This riding season has been a challenge due to the weather at times for sure. I don’t know how many times this year we were going to head out to ride and mother nature threw us a curveball and changed the plans for the day. Some people have had to pick and choose what events they go to or how many tanks of gas they can afford to put through their machines. Many people have suffered damage to their properties, businesses, and events on a scale we have not seen recently. So many Iowans have been hurt by storms, tornados, rain, hail, flooding, and road closures on top of elevated prices the past couple of years. It has certainly been interesting, but sadly, we are closer to the end of the riding season than the beginning. If there are any August or September events that you want to go to, make damned sure that you have them planned and can get there. If there is that one bike night that you want to hit yet this year, make it happen. If there is that one place you have been dying to go and grab a cold drink at, take a day and get your ass there. Is there a burger/pizza/BBQ joint that you have been meaning to visit or revisit? If so, make the plans and make it happen. We all need the riding for our own souls and mental health as much as all the event organizers and businesses need us to walk through their doors. We NEED to ride, they NEED to have people come through their doors, so in August, let’s make it happen! Get out and about and ride as much as you can. Ride as much as you can take time for. Ride as much as you can afford. Stop at as many places as you want. Enjoy the heat of the summer before it goes away. Ride like there is not going to be a tomorrow.
Since we have had some issues getting out and about to different things this year due to the weather, not enough time to get everything done we need to, and just generally being busy, we are asking for a touch of help from our
On the Cover the
A great pair, Hayley and the Dyna C. Hayley grew up on the back of her mom’s Harley. Her mom rode a 2004 HarleyDavidson Sporty and that is where it started for Hayley. She now owns and continues to ride this same motorcycle. All of Hayley’s close friends that have become family ride. They just returned from the Freedom Rally. Hayley is adorning Mark Fountain’s 1999 Dyna Convertible. He wanted a used bike for quick trips in and around town. His buddy Don found him this clean bike, and after a trip to Butterfield’s M-C Parts and then over to Harley Joe’s for some slight changes, it was nice and roadworthy. For these photos, all of the “convertible” parts were taken off for a cleaner look. Mark’s photo work can be found on Facebook at Fountain Photography or fountainphoto. net, worth a look for some of his amazing work.
readers. We are asking for some submissions for the Thunder Cam page in the magazine. If you have any great shots that you would like considered for print on our pages, email them to vernon@thunderroadsiowa. com. We give no guarantee that what you send will be used, but look forward to seeing what ya got! Please send them in high resolution so that they can be printed, and no logos, watermarks, text, or dates added to them. If there is anyone that submits on a regular basis to us, you could end up on the contributor list on the staff page if you are so inclined. Thanks in advance, and we hope to start seeing some stuff from our loyal readers!
The Thunder Roads Magazine of Iowa Event Listing and Thunder Roads Magazine of Iowa Bike Night/Supper Ride Listings are in the back of the magazine yet again this month. Check out those pages and keep an eye on our Facebook page for our weekly updated posting of both of those lists. We have always tried to keep the most comprehensive list we can. If you know of an event or bike night that we don’t have listed, you can email it to me at vernon@thunderroadsiowa.com and we will get it added. We need the basic information for the events list including the date of the event, name of the event, and starting location town. For the Bike Night listing, we need the name of the hosting location and town, and the day of the week, including the recurring schedule and such for their bike nights. We appreciate all the help you can give. Thanks tons in advance.
I hope everyone has a great August! Ride Safe, Ride Often, Rinse and Repeat!
Vernon Schwarte
Proud Editor/Owner Thunder Roads Magazine of Iowa
Owner Thunder Guns and Thunder Guns West
IMDA Board Member
MRF Iowa Assistant State Rep COC Liaison
NCOIR State of Iowa Representative vernon@thunderroadsiowa.com
Quote of the Month: “The first week of August hangs at the very top of summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of a Ferris wheel when it pauses in its turning. The weeks that come before are only a climb from balmy spring, and those that follow a drop to the chill of autumn, but the first week of August is motionless, and hot. It is curiously silent, too, with blank white dawns and glaring noons, and sunsets smeared with too much color. Often at night there is lightning, but it quivers all alone.” — Natalie Babbitt
Summer continues to roll along, and all the able-bodied bikers we know are still grabbing every opportunity to ride their old fave routes or try out new ones recommended by friends. Around here, we’d be pretty happy just to find a road where we could travel more than 5 miles without hitting a construction detour! Is it only our corner of Iowa having that problem right now or is the whole state similarly afflicted? If you live in the center of the state, the thought that those who live along the borders can easily ride into a different state and find better roads sounds like a dream come true, but if you live on the east side of Iowa, you know that Illinois roads are no dream –not unless you dream of being launched into the air by a big old boil in the highway! All I know is that now when it comes time to plan a trip, we get all suspicious and want to Google the route to find out what’s happening with the roads.
If you go to the ABATE or MRF meetings, you know that if you’re planning a cross-country ride there are a few other things besides road construction that you should check on for each state you’ll be riding through. Are you required to wear a helmet? Eye protection at all times? Do they allow California stops or do both feet have to touch the ground at every stop? If you have straight pipes, what about local noise ordinances? Handlebar height? What about lane splitting? We’ve volunteered with CMA a number of times at Sturgis, and when working the courthouse parking lots we’ve seen plenty of people trudging in to pay fines they incurred because they were unaware of the laws of the state they were in. In many of the cases, a little research could have saved them time, money, and a lot of aggravation. On the other hand, they may figure it’s a lot easier to plead ignorance of the law that says “The handlebars of a motorcycle must be no higher than the shoulder height of the person operating the motorcycle” than it is to change their whole handlebar setup before they go. They may still get a ticket, but I doubt that South Dakota will extradite them over it if they don’t get the fines paid before they leave!
Our lives tend to mirror a similar pattern. When we’re young, we generally begin by running blindly along paths that seem good to us. After hitting a few forced detours, most of us wise up and start doing some independent research and do a bit of a course correction. But when it comes to the laws of life, I think most of us still want to weigh the penalty against the pleasure. And I get it – every time we’re in Sturgis and I’m dutifully putting my feet down at a stop sign on a back street where there’s NO ONE else in sight, I feel pretty silly. But I do it because I value my money and I don’t want to part with $150 for a ticket. But we’re only talking about the loss of some money here. How do you weigh the penalty against the pleasure when the loss is something that seems completely intangible?
Your body is the visible “you”, while your soul and spirit are intangible. We can’t touch or see them, but they surely exist and are the essence of who we are. Upon a person’s death, we can still see their body, but their soul and spirit are gone. It seems to me that our souls are the part that communicate with other humans, while our spirits are meant to communicate with God. And while our bodies are existing in the “Kingdom of Here and Now”, our souls and spirits are citizens of another kingdom – the “Kingdom of God”. As Leon Russell would say, right now we’re “Strangers in a Strange Land” – but the kingdom we really
belong to has extradition rights. At the time of our physical death, our souls and spirits will appear before God to be examined in his court to see if we lived up to his kingdom’s laws or not. The Bible tells us that the penalty for not following God’s law is the eternal death of our soul and spirit. God created humans – and all of nature – to be in communion with him, but Adam and Eve chose to break the one law that he gave them. They chose to gamble that pleasure would be worth more than the penalty. That act of rebellion broke the link between their spirits and God’s spirit, and cemented the break for every human born since then.
Proverbs 14:12 says “There is a way that seems right to a man. But its end is the way of death.” That was true of the path that Adam and Eve chose. Thank God that their sin didn’t catch God by surprise, and in his mercy, he provided a payment for our penalty (Jesus Christ, who died in our place) and then provided an attorney (also Jesus Christ) to argue our case against the Enemy of Our Souls, the one who wants to devour and destroy us. Our part is to acknowledge that we are incapable of living according to God’s laws but that we have accepted the payment of Jesus’ death in place of our own death. Romans 5:15-17 describes our rescue like this: “For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death . . But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through Jesus Christ . . . God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins. . . For all who receive this gift will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ.”
I don’t know about you, but when it’s my turn to show up at the courthouse in the Kingdom of God, I want to know that Jesus Christ is there to meet me and to defend me. You have the same opportunity. Choose wisely.
Blessings – Karla
Mark & Karla Cornick are with the Christian Motorcyclists Association. Find out more about CMA and God’s plan for you at www.cmausa.org
The Biker Friendly Business Directory is a list of establishments throughout Iowa that sponsor the magazine. You can pick up your copy here every month. Let them know that you saw them in TRMI. If your business would like to advertise in Thunder Roads Iowa Biker Friendly Business Listing and become a part of the network, please email vernon@thunderroadsiowa.com
Biker Accessories
Crispy’s Biker Apparel Cedar Rapids, Iowa Find Us On Facebook
Dirty Biker Design 122 S. John Wayne Drive Winterset, Iowa 50273 www.DirtyBikerDesign.com 515-444-9050
USA Fluid.Com
641-745-9360
Voice Only, NO TEXT Talk to Fready
Dealers
Baxter Cycle 311 4th Street Marne, Iowa 51552 712-781-2351 www.baxtercycle.com
Heartland Harley-Davidson
117 S Roosevelt Ave Burlington, IA 52601 319-754-1100
www.heartlandhd.com
Indian Motorcycle of Mason City
Mason City Powersports 12499 265th Street Mason City 641-423-3181
Masoncitypowersportsinc.com
Metro Harley-Davidson 2415 Westdale Drive SW Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52404 319-362-9496
Big Barn Harley-Davidson 81 NW 49th Place Des Moines, Iowa 50313 515-265-4444 www.bigbarnhd.net
Edwards Motorsports and RV’s 1010 34th Avenue Council Bluffs, Iowa 51501 712-366-8400 fullthrottleia.com
Harley-Davidson of Carroll 1327 Plaza Dr Carroll, Iowa 712-792-1610 www.carrollcycle.com
Food and Drink (Popular Poker & Fun Run Locations)
Ambro’s Roadhouse 917 Guthrie St De Soto, Iowa 50069 515-468-2236
Great Food!
Ambro’s Roadhouse on Facebook
Bloodline Irish Pub 214 Public Square Greenfield, Iowa 50849
Bloodline Irish Pub on Facebook
www.metro-motorsports.com
Route 65 Harley-Davidson 1300 S Jefferson Way Indianola, Iowa 50125 515.962.2160
www.route65hd.net
Storm Lake Honda 3040 Expansion Blvd
Storm Lake, Iowa 50588 StormLakeHonda.com 712-732-2460
Zylstra Harley-Davidson 1930 E 13th Street Ames, Iowa 50010 515-232-6223
www.zylstrahd.com
Entertainment
Just 1 More 515-570-4206 641-757-0159
309 Railway Jamaica, Iowa 50128
McCanns Tap NE 14th & 54th Des Moines, Iowa 50313 Bike Parking M-F 2:00-2 S-S 11:00-Close
Mi Casa Family Restaurant 512 Market Street Harlan, Iowa 51537 712-755-2258
Catfish Charlie’s On the Mississippi River 1630 E. 16th Street Dubuque, IA 52001 (563)582-8600 www.CatfishCharliesDubuque.com
Desperados
105 E 5th Street Atlantic 712-243-7087
Home of Cold Beer, Good Times, Pizza & Wings
Flaming Office
201 W High Street Toledo 641-484-2255
Outdoor Patio, Happy Hour 5-7
Flaming Office on Facebook & Google
Haverhill Social Club 202 1st Street Haverhill, Iowa 50120 641-475-3321
Western Iowa Ice 514 East Street Shelby, Iowa 51570 402-681-6521
Ice Delivered to Your Location
Wilson’s Tap and Recreation 1008 Story Street Boone, Iowa 50036/ 515-433-1395
Hobbies & Collectibles
Treasure Island Diecast/Facebook Hot Wheels, M2, Matchbox, Jada Ertl, Lightning, Harley, Maisto Buy-Sell-Trade 641-521-8036 rayaustinhd@gmail.com www.treasureislanddiecast.com
Insurance & Financial
State Farm
Clark Ahrenholtz, Agent 2114 12th Street Harlan, Iowa 712-755-5724
Clark.ahrenholtz.jb69@statefarm.com
Legal
Ullrich Photography PO Box 1842 Clinton, Iowa 52733 563-243-8715 www.natanic.com
Shops & Fabricators
Butterfield’s M.C. Parts 8025 Blondo Street Omaha, NE 68134 402-391-3768
Chuck’s Cycle Service and Repair S&S and Drag Specialties Dealer 307 E 5th StreetWashington, Iowa52353 319-461-5278
Cycle Clinic 2209 ML King Pkwy Des Moines, Iowa 50314 cycleclinicdm.com 515-288-6954
F & J Racing 701 N 3rd Ave Marshalltown, Iowa 50158 641-752-8651 www.fandjracing.com
The Biker Lawyers, P.C. Riding & Defending Your Rights for Over 30 Years 877-209-9452
Custom & Full-Service HD Repair Mon-Fri 9-6, Sat by appt only 515-367-7336
The Biker Friendly Business Directory is a list of establishments throughout Iowa that sponsor the magazine. You can pick up your copy here every month. Let them know that you saw them in TRMI. If your business would like to advertise in Thunder Roads Iowa Biker Friendly Business Listing and become a part of the network, please email vernon@thunderroadsiowa.com
not so USELESS RAMBLINGS not so USELESS RAMBLINGS
HOW DID WE GET HERE?
Published on June 8th, 1949, George Orwell’s novel 1984 was a chilling tale of a dystopian future. The story depicts a state where daring to think differently is met with torture, where every second of your day is monitored, where you’re rewarded for believing the lies you’re told, and where governments are completely unaccountable. Does this sound even just a little familiar?
Winston, the main character, works for The Ministry of Truth and his job is to rewrite history to better align with current political thinking. We see this happening today, yesterday, last week, last year, last election. How many politicians have you seen make statements about a topic or issue only to have them attempt to deny that they said it, regardless of having video evidence that they did, in fact, say it?
“The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” - George Orwell, 1984
Newspeak, from the novel, is defined as “propagandistic language that is characterized by euphemism, circumlocution, and the inversion of customary meanings.” Language changed to fit political thinking. Definitions to words used for hundreds of years were rewritten to fit political thinking. This has also been happening a lot lately. When was the last time you had a hard time defining woman, man, gender, or patriot?
our children fear us or hate us, wanting our children to go to them with problems rather than us. The government also created the Department of Human Services and Child Protective Services; both of these agencies have entirely too much power when it comes to your family and your children. A simple phone call to CPS by a “concerned citizen” can get your children removed from your home until the courts get involved and make a determination on the safety of your home for the child. Your own child can make that call when they get pissed off at you for not letting them do what they want. Go ahead, ask me how I know! And they’ve done all of this to drive a wedge between the parent and the child in an attempt to break up the nuclear family.
Today you’re being told that up is down and down is up, 2+2=5, men are women and women are men, murdering babies in the womb is fine but not in a school, patriotism is fascism and fascism is patriotism. The classic song Baby It’s Cold Outside by Frank Loesser was deemed to be “rapey” and completely inappropriate, while the song WAP by Cardi B was played everywhere. In case you didn’t already know, WAP stands for wet ass pussy.
We send our children off to public school systems hoping that they’ll gain the knowledge needed to function as an adult, instead they are being taught to hate America. The government created and controls the Department of Education which has led to a massive shift in the curriculum from useful information to diversity, equity, and inclusion. The vast majority of educators now seem to be liberals with an agenda; wanting to mold our children with their own values and thoughts rather than just educating them reading, writing, & arithmetic. Some of them even attempt to make
We spend our days being distracted by the latest season of our favorite TV series, the next game that our favorite team is going to be playing in, the next social media craze, or maybe it’s the latest game app that keeps you staring at your phone and tapping the screen. We allow our opinions to be swayed by our favorite actors or musicians, as if these people are even remotely in tune to what is actually happening in the middle class while they make their statements from their multimillion-dollar mansions, behind tall fences with armed security.
The entertainment industry has been glorifying alcohol, drugs, sex, and violence and pushing it all into the faces of our young people and our government has been helping them. Rather than attempting to slow the use of drugs, we have taxpayer dollars funding centers for drug addicts to use in a clean environment with medical staff on-site that will provide clean needles. Movies and music are inundated with sex and violence, lionizing the thug life or that it’s ok to be a slam piece.
Don’t worry, it’s perfectly acceptable to have a body count higher than the number of years you’ve been in school. What’s the big deal if you’ve been through Planned Parenthood’s local clinic 3 times during high school and 4 more times during your freshman year of college, just as long as you had a great time on your way to a degree in a field that has absolutely no hope of ever earning you a living wage. I mean, that’s what the government is for, right? They are there to take care of you and provide for you. Bring on Universal Basic Income, debt forgiveness, free medical care, and didn’t a few politicians tell you that housing is a basic human right?
The welfare state has made it so much more lucrative to be a single mother with 3 sperm donors rather than be in a committed relationship with just one. Instead of making
the nuclear family a goal and incentivizing it, divorce and government assistance is incentivized while the basic structure of society and family is left in shambles.
At the risk of repeating points I’ve made in other pieces, we have allowed ourselves to be taxed into poverty. So much so that the standard 40-hour work week is no longer sufficient to survive. If you’re lucky enough to have the nuclear family, you both have to work 40+ hours a week just to eke out a living. You pay for utilities, mortgage, insurance, car payment, and groceries only to be left with just enough to fill up the gas tank so you can spend the next week commuting to work. Do yourself a favor, don’t look at your paystub. Try not to focus on the 15 hours that you worked this past week for free; it’s your contribution to the greater good. You know the politicians will spend your money much more effectively than you ever would.
her WAP? How did we walk away from the Brady Bunch into a world where a vast majority of the Disney starlets have all become complete skanks?
Complacency. Decades of complacency.
I guess I’d refer you back to NSUR in the March 2024 issue of TRMI, “Weak Men Create Hard Times.” The founders of this great nation were strong men. They were smart men. They fought long and hard to create this nation and set it up on a solid foundation. They sacrificed everything to set us on a great path. Only through the efforts of strong men have we been able to keep it and flourish. But that great nation provided the ability for people to become complacent and believe that everything would be great for eternity. Sadly, we have been caught with our pants down.
What happened to common sense? When did it become acceptable to act like a complete idiot? When did a lack of morals and decency become cool? When did rational thought become a taboo? If things don’t take a turn soon, we’ll be living in the real-life version of the movie Idiocracy. If you haven’t seen it before, give it a look. I will warn you, this movie is, in my opinion, really not very good. I thought it was dumb, and maybe that is the whole point of the movie. Maybe, like Orwell’s 1984, this movie is a warning of where society is headed if we don’t bring back common sense and rational thought. In a society that has been designed to be intricately fair and judicial we are lacking in one of the most basic of abilities of the human brain. To think and act clearly, and with common sense.
How did we get here? How did we go from the time of Leave it to Beaver to idolizing a half brain dead entertainer that pushes the “Go Green” and climate crisis agenda while flying back and forth across the country 18 times in a week using one or two private jets, one of which is valued at over $40 million. How did we go from Good Times to Cardi B’s caterwauling about swiping your nose like a credit card in
Like Winston, we’re living in a world where we are told what to think and what to believe. We are under 24/7 surveillance with cameras on almost every street, but definitely in every single one of our “Smart” devices: your phone, TV, laptop, Alexa, Siri, even your fancy new car. We sit idly by and watch as our government circumvents the Constitution with executive orders. We watch as one party prosecutes and attempts to jail every opposition they encounter for crimes of which they themselves are guilty, but we’re expected to believe that it’s the opposition that are the fascists.
I suppose the better question would be… how do we get back?
“Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.” - George Orwell, 1984
- David McCoy - david@thunderroadsiowa.com - FaceBook.com/TRMIDave - FaceBook.com/TRMINSUR
The Blind Pig
3325 Center Point Rd NE
Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52402
319-200-4127
Sun-Mon 11:00 AM - 2:00 AM
Tues-Thurs 11:00 AM - 12:00 AM
Frid-Sat 11:00 AM - 2:00 AM
We always try to find the coolest places to grab some vittles when we are out and about, and especially like to search for new places we have never been to when in areas away from home. When I had to go to hang out with The Biker Lawyers for some business stuff a short while back, I was watching the clouds and the forecast, and got over there dry, and wanted to stay that way. There were supposed to be some storms moving in that evening, so I looked for what was close to my home away from home for the night and came across The Blind Pig. I am sure glad that I did!
The curds arrived in short order and the light breading on the fresh tasting curds was nicely accented by the garlic flavoring. It tasted like the curds were of the garlic flavored variety prior to breading, not just garlic added to the breading. The horseradish dipping sauce just added an excellent level of flavor that was welcomed and unique. The garlic and horseradish with the cheese made a great combination even before adding the crispy breading. My tenderloin and chips arrived when I was partway through the appetizer and looked almost too good to eat. The chips were golden brown, crispy, and quite delicious. Adding the smoky onion horseradish dip to the chips was also a wonderful choice to add flavor to the homestyle potato chips. The tenderloin came on a kaiser roll with the typical garden on top. I thought the breading looked familiar to tenderloins of days past, and I was correct. The seasoned flour with crushed saltine style crackers completed the crispy and delicious breading on the tenderloin. It was in fact tender, and pounded out and breaded by hand, but not too thin. The meat in a breaded loin is sometimes too thin and that makes the breading
I was able to park the bike right out front, in front of a window with an empty table right inside. I went in and was instantly greeted with a smile by the wait staff and told I could sit wherever I wanted, so chose to look right out the window at my own motorcycle. There were a couple of other bikes in the lot parked back away from other vehicles, so figured it may be a good choice if other bikers dig it. I ordered myself a cold drink as it was a plenty warm enough afternoon ride, and decided to grab an order of White Cheddar Curds as an appetizer and got them in the garlic variety. I had never really seen that choice and thought it would be a nice addition, and I didn’t really want the other option at that time, which was red jalapeño. For my meal I ordered a Tenderloin. The menu said it was the best in Cedar Rapids, so I had to give it a try. For my side I got the house chips and got some of the smokey onion horseradish dipping sauce for the cheese curds and chips.
overpowering, but not at The Blind Pig! They have a great ratio of meat to breading making what I would say, very well may be the best tenderloin in Cedar Rapids, and beyond!
If you ever get south of Collins Road on Center Point Road, stop in and check out The Blind Pig. Tell them Thunder Roads Magazine of Iowa sent ya!
Sitting in for Melanie this month, Vernon Schwarte
If you have a WRTE location for us to visit, please let me know at Melanie@thunderroadsiowa.com.
Marriage is like Indian food. It starts hot and spicy but ends up with someone crying in the bathroom and regretting their choices.
I went to see my Doctor, and she said: “You can’t eat anything… fatty.” I said: “What, like bacon and fried stuff ?” she replied, “No. Fatty, you can’t eat anything.”
A man was playing on a new golf course and lost track of what hole he was on. He asked a lady playing ahead of him. She responded: “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th.” Later, the same thing happened, and he asked the lady again. She responded: “I’m on the 14th and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” After finishing the course, he saw the lady sitting at the clubhouse. They end up chatting and discussing work. She said she was in sales and he asked what she sold. “I’m scared you’ll laugh,” she hesitated, but the man promised he would NOT laugh. “I sell tampons,” she said. The man burst into laughter. “See!” she yelled. He replied,” No it’s not that! I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
A wealthy financial backer of a hospital goes on a tour with the director, and can’t help but notice a patient masturbating. She is shocked, but the director explains “Th man suffers from Semenitis, a rare medical condition where his testicles fi ll up too quickly.” The woman says “I suppose it is ok then”. Continuing their visit, they now walk past a room where a patient receives oral from a nurse. Shocked again, the woman asks, “And why is THIS happening in your hospital??” The director calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”
How can you tell when the dishwasher has stopped working? She’s in bed next to you.
An old couple in their 70s visited a sex therapist. The man asked if she could watch them have intercourse, and she agreed. Afterward, the therapist said everything was normal and the couple was actually doing great considering their age. The couple seems happy and leaves after the man pays his $80 co-pay. Surprisingly, the couple returned every Wednesday for six weeks, repeating the routine. Puzzled, the therapist eventually asked why. The old man explained, “Well, you see, we can’t do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can’t do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $130 a night. But my co-pay here is only $80.”
Why can female chipmunks make great girlfriends? Because they love eating nuts.
A taxi driver picks up a nun and hesitantly asks her a question, fearing it might offend her. The nun reassures him, saying she’s heard it all. He confesses: “Well… I have always had a fantasy of receiving oral from a nun.” The nun, a bit surprised but calm, responds “that is fine, my son. I can help, but only if you are not married.” The driver responds quickly: “that’s not a problem, I am not married!” They stop, and she fulfills his fantasy. However, when they start driving again, the driver admits: “I’m sorry but I have lied to you, I’m married.” The nun replied “That’s fine, my son. I haven’t been very honest with you either: my name is actually Freddie, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
My friend got his medical license revoked. All of this is just because he slept with a patient. It’s unfortunate because he was a great veterinarian.
I couldn’t believe that my dad and mom divorced. My dad always described their marriage as: “Being just like Christmas.” Later, I learned he meant it’s because Christmas only comes once a year.
A cannibal family eats dinner together. But the son, visibly upset and not interested in the food, refuses to eat. The cannibal dad says: “Your mother cooked very long and hard to become this meal and I expect you to eat it.”
A woman catches her husband with another woman in bed and gets angry. He hurriedly explains, claiming he was just helping the girl. He says: “The girl was hitchhiking but didn’t know her relatives’ address, so I took her home to check an old phonebook. When we got here, I saw her shirt was worn out, so I gave her a nice t-shirt you hadn’t worn in years. Her shoes were falling apart too, so I gave her one of your pairs that had been sitting unused for three years.” She thanked me profusely and then jokingly asked, “Is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?”
What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk.
A guy went to the emergency room, and the Doctor told him: “You have lettuce sticking up your butt. The man replied: “that is just the tip of the iceberg.”
What do Disney World and Viagra have in common? Both make you stand around for over an hour and wait for a two-minute ride.
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at
him. After a few hours of this, the man finally gets fed up and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach it a lesson. He hears the parrot squawking and kicking for a few minutes, but then all goes quiet. The man opens the freezer up, the parrot calmly steps out onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor to correct my behavior.” The man is astounded. As he’s about to ask the parrot what’s caused this sudden change in attitude, the parrot continues, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
A politician dies and stands in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter says he will need to spend one day in hell. “It’s a requirement for people in your line of work,” he says. Scared of hell, the politician begins to try and charm Saint Peter into not going, but it’s no use. He drops him into the clouds and the politician falls in hell. He wakes up in a hotel room smelling bacon and hearing ocean waves crash. He opens his eyes to see a butler walking in with a Mai Tai, “Your drink, sir,” the butler says. “Who are you,” the politician says. “Satan!” He is too stunned to speak, so Satan fi lls the silence. “I know it’s a shock, people expect the whole eternal misery and really it’s just a lot of… what you would call, sins.” Satan hands over the Mai Tai, and the politician hears his wife’s voice calling. He looks out the window to see his wife and all his best friends. The man realizes he looks and feels 20 again and runs outside with his drink. Surrounded by his friends and beautiful wife, he spends the day surfing, drinking, and catching up with everyone. The man and his wife, who haven’t seen each other in 6 years, talk and drink for hours before going to the room and making love like they did on their honeymoon. He is the happiest he’s ever been. And then he wakes up suddenly staring at the pearly gates again. Saint Peter starts, “Okay, what will it be?” “I can’t imagine there’s anything better than hell,” the politician says. “Well, heaven is the angels with gold wings, whole chorus singing and white robes thing,” St Peter says. “Ummmm… no, I’ll take hell please,” responds the politician. “Yeah, that’s what people usually say,” Saint Peter says before dropping him again. Awakening to stifling darkness, distant screams pierce his ears. Flickering flames in the distance reveal tormented souls. A lightning flash exposes Satan beside him, wickedly grinning with a soldering iron and razor-wire. “Where’s my wife? Where are my friends and all the drinks?” the politician shouts in despair. Satan leans in, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. But now, you have just cast your vote.”
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
A man is speeding down a highway when he gets pulled over by a cop. The officer comes up to the car and says, “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?” The man replies, “I’m sorry officer, I was rushing to a lecture about the negative impacts of alcohol abuse and the importance of staying within the law.” Intrigued, the officer asks, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man smirks and says, “My wife.”
A man walks into a bar and sees a piano player, but the piano player is only a foot tall. He asks the bartender, “What’s with the tiny piano player?” The bartender says, “Oh, I found a magic lamp and the genie granted me a wish, but he’s hard of hearing. I asked for a twelve-inch pianist!”
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. “Son, where were you today?” The son says, “At school, dad.” Robot slaps the son. “Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!” “What DVD?” “Kung Fu Panda.” Robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was an adult film!” Dad yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what an adult film was!” Robot slaps the dad. Mom laughs, “He’s certainly your son!” Robot slaps the mom.
A man goes to a priest and says, “Father, my son is possessed by a mute spirit.” The priest replies, “Sorry, I can’t help. I can’t deal with silent treatment.”
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave. The barber asks him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he can get a closer shave around his cheeks. The man asks: “But what if I swallow it?” The barber replies: “No problem, sir. You just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”
Vegans don’t moan during sex because they don’t like the idea of getting pleasure from meat.
A man was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. “All right, son,” asked the father, “what does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
Road Trips and the importance of Audio
It is always noisy, it’s a constant barrage of different sounds, and there is a never a pattern. It’s never the same noise, no matter what the adventure.
Sometimes it’s a song that just keeps playing over and over and over and over, other times it might be a conversation from my wife, boss, a kid, or who knows…most of the time it’s a song, a conversation, a message from my wife and random commercial jingles from who knows when all playing at the same time. It’s a sound like the tuning of a radio station in a movie, constant static that never ever stops. I am talking about of course just the noises in my head. It starts the minute I wake up and goes on all day.
I just assumed it was pretty normal, I mean we all have a barrage of shit coming at us all the time in a non-stop motion of crap trying to penetrate our melons. I learned recently that it’s called an “inner Monologue” and that it’s rather
normal and nothing to worry about. Not that I was, I just found it interesting because I feel that it actually fuels my creativity when I use it to get done what I need to get done.
Now, are you ready for this shit? This “Inner Monologue” only affects about 30-50% of the population. WTF you mean to tell me that possibly half off all people walking around don’t have like 13 things going on in the brain at the same time? I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I really don’t, I can’t imagine my brain being that calm and not thinking about anything.
When I am riding, I may look over at a field, those people would see a field, while I on the other hand would wonder how far along that corn is, what kind of yield it is it, did it get planted by a Kinze drill, who farms it, what kind of deer are around, I wonder if it has pheasants, I wonder If I could hunt pheasants there, you know what I haven’t had lately? Slow cooked pheasant in a mushroom sauce over Angel Hair pasta, I wonder where I put that recipe, man I love pheasants, they are so pretty and so tasty, but I miss deer hunting even more I wonder if there have been aliens creating crop circles.
Then ten seconds later I noticed something else.
I don’t clear my mind during a ride. I wish that was the case. I hear people all the time tell me how they jump on the bike for 10-20-200 miles, whatever, and when they are done riding their mind is clear and they are ready to start again. I always feel recharged when I wrap up a ride, but the brain never stops spinning.
Most of my riding this year has been for work related transportation and it’s awesome. A radio studio about 20 miles away, then a warehouse that is 30 minutes from there, a store front that is 30 miles from the Warehouse and 28 miles from home allows me some great saddle time during the week that is really bonus head clearing time, if my head actually did calm down, yet it still does and it gives me a strange recharge. I don’t mind riding to and from work, truth is, I love riding, but I love my jobs and it works out.
One of the distractions I get to enjoy, and I know you are NOT supposed to be distracted when you ride, so let’s not go down that rabbit hole. I am simply talking about the distractions in my brain that are always firing like an UZI in an 80’s cop movie is the soundtrack of my riding playlist, and the playlist makes zero sense whatsoever. That shit’s all over the place.
I ride an older bike, I love it, I have looked at new bikes, my wife wants a new bike, but I just freaking love my bike. I can flat out ride that bitch and it’s a natural extension of my body, it just flows with me, and I can crank out mile after mile and it’s just so easy to do. But that said, it is an older bike with the original stereo in place. Cassette, CB, AM FM and NO MP3 or Bluetooth capabilities. We are the very definition of old school. I have upgraded the speakers to some killer weatherproof Rockford Fosgate speakers, and I chose that brand for a couple of reasons. They have fantastic sound, and they are super durable, but it also helped they were just about the only company that made a speaker that fit exactly into the spots where I already had speakers. I didn’t want to change the dashboard or the rear backrest, simple swap is what I was looking for and it worked. I powered my connection via cassette tape adaptor that worked pretty well, I just didn’t like the cords that came with it. I have run through a couple of those adapters; I usually always have a brand new on the bike in case the current one takes a shit on a road trip. Last thing I want it to be sans tunes when I am just East of Strawberry Point and have hundreds of miles left for the day.
Again, the cord I think always bothered me and this past winter, while hitting golf balls with a buddy whom I will call “Bill” (because that is his name)…well, it was Men’s Night at Bill’s Golf simulator, and we were talking about all levels of audio stuff. Bill is brilliant, he’s really into good, quality sound, anyway he asked me “Why don’t you get a Bluetooth cassette adapter?”
Hanna Montana Say WHAT?
Look, I have been in the audio world for over 6 decades now, and why or how I have never heard of or thought of a Bluetooth cassette adapter is beyond me. It’s like the first time you see accidental titties, it stays with you. You don’t forget where you were when something that amazing hits you.
I had one in 48 hours; it was still winter, but the roads were dry and when it was delivered, I had to take it for a ride… man, what a game changer that turned out to be. I love it.
I have changed my riding playlists, added tons of new songs to this year’s options, and have enjoyed every single mile. It has been the reason I have not upgraded my bike, and the reason my bride is still on my ass to upgrade.
I get over stimulated when I am left to my own thoughts, a problem? Nah, I don’t think so and the system of jamming to tunes while going down the road keeps me at bay. Unless I forget to charge my adapter.
Todd “Crash” Davis
Thunder Roads Magazine of Iowa Iowa Bike Nights and Dinner Rides and
Back Forty Bike Night at the Barn Des Moines (2nd Wed May, Jun, Jul, Sep)
Benolas Baxter
Cruise Night Britt (3rd Wed Jul-Sep)
Pete & Shorty’s Clarksville
Whiskey Throttle Bar & Grill Cherokee
Croz Nest East Des Moines (Every Other Wed)
Supper Rides Harley-Davidson of Carroll (2nd Wednesdays)
Dinner Rides Zylstra HD Ames
Thursday
Edwards Bikes on the Hundred Block Council Bluffs (3rd Thursday)
Roar Into Harlan (3rd Thursdays)
Stumpy’s Bar & Grill Duncombe
Metro HD Cedar Rapids (2nd Thursday May-Sep)
East of Omaha Bike Night Griswold (1st Thurs May-Sep)
VFW Post 9662 Des Moines (Every Thurs Apr-Oct)
Screamin’ Eagle Waterloo (May-Jul)
Chommy’s Bar/Grill Eldon (3rd Thursday)
Thunder N2 Atlantic Bike Night Atlantic (2nd Thurs May-Oct)
Tip Top Lounge Ames (start Jun 1)
McGrath Powersports Cedar Rapids (Last Thurs May-Aug)
Maggie’s Rumble Room
Capt. Roys Vintage Bike Night Des Moines (1st Thurs)
Eddie’s Tavern Seargeant Bluff
This list is what we have found and what has been submitted. Before heading to any event, please check weather and make sure the event is not cancelled. Not responsible for misprints and typos. If you have any other events to list, please email vernon@ thunderroadsiowa.com
Friday
The Talk Shop Lounge St. Charles (Every Friday)
Kilroy’s Redfield (1st and 3rd Friday)
Cruze N’ to Corydon Bike Night (3rd Fri May-Aug)
Bondurant Bike Night at the Rails (4th Fri May-Sep)
Thunder Nites Newton (2nd Friday Jun-Aug)
Off Point Pub Davenport (Every Friday)
Burt’s Dog House Boxholm (Every Other Friday)
Wet Spot Runnells (Every Friday)
Mean Machine Cycles Elkhart (4th Friday May-Aug)
Tavern 36 Mitchellville (1st Friday)
American Legion Post 232 Polk City (2nd Friday May-Sep)
