A Brand New Me

BY GLORIA MCDANIEL

“I can finally breathe, don’t be mad. It’s just a brand new kinda free, that ain’t bad. I found a brand new kinda me. Don’t be mad. It’s a brand new time for me.” — Alicia Keys

“There’s transformation on the other side of tragedy.” — my therapist

Letter written by me to one of my abusers –

I’ve been contemplating writing this letter to you for years and I finally have the courage to write it and send it.

I want you to know a few things: 1. When you sexually molested me, you really messed up my life. You were one of my favorite relatives and I trusted you. That made it worse. I was only 6 or 7 years old when it started. I remember the exact circumstances and I remember everything that you did...and all the locations in which you did those things. 2. I did not enjoy any of those encounters. No matter what you think. Each time hurt me severely. Each time made me more and more damaged… more and more unable to speak up for myself. 3. I can’t and have never been able to sustain a healthy relationship because of what you did. You took my voice away. 4. I did tell my mom, but she didn’t completely believe me because she couldn’t imagine that you (of all people) would do such a thing. It hurt her so much. 5. I have confided in a few people that I trust. 6. It would be nice if you would at least apologize, but it’s okay if you don’t. I don’t need it now that I’ve gotten this off my chest. 8. I don’t wish you ill will because I don’t know what happened in your past. I just want you to know how what you did impacted my life. 9. I’m wounded but I’m not broken. I’m going to be okay, now that I’ve told you how I feel.

For as long as I can remember, I never really loved myself. I was so “different!” I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t like everyone else. I was different in all the wrong ways — I was taller than everyone else, darker than most of my relatives, more developed than girls my age, my feet were too big, my arms were too long, and my hair was nappy and short. Who could love me? I didn’t fit – ANYWHERE. Then on top of all of that, I began to be abused by a close family member when I was a first grader.

Later in life, I began to realize that the reasons why I didn’t really love myself came from things that had been said and done to me decades ago. I also realized that I have made mistakes – so many mistakes... bad choices, bad relationships, bad alliances — because of how I thought of me. With a past like mine — how could I be worthy of more?

I tried to rationalize it all – but I just couldn’t. There had to be something wrong with me. I was envious of people who had never experienced abuse. I often wondered how much better off I would have been if I hadn’t experienced all of these tragic events. I didn’t know that there was any other way to look at myself – other than to think I had been created to live a life of loss, of sadness.

Through YANA (I’m not kidding), I started to believe that these things aren’t true. I have gotten so much help and strength from my YANA sisterhood! Even though I haven’t connected with everyone in the same way, there are people in this group I can reach out to with the most outlandish questions or to tell them the most outrageous things – and they respond with no judgment, but also ensuring that I don’t continue to make bad choices.

I heard from so many of you about the benefits of therapy during our retreats and meetups. So, after a few years, I sought out a therapist! I have gotten so much help from the one that I now have. It took a minute to find the right one – but I found her. She also passes no judgments. She doesn’t even flinch at some of my worst thoughts or about the things I’ve done.

I have finally found the power and the voice to speak up for myself. I finally got past the notion that protecting me has to come at the expense of someone else’s feelings. I finally understand what it means to love me – just the way I am. I finally understand that loving myself does not have to be at anyone else’s expense. I finally took a really deep breath… and reached out for help. I am unapologetic for taking steps to protect and love me.

Worst of all is that I had convinced myself that God didn’t love me or know that I exist. If God does exist, how could He have allowed these things to happen to me? How could He continuously turn His back on me and let me be abused – sexually, physically, and emotionally? Now, because I love Gloria, I realize that I experienced these things not because God had abandoned me – but because I have a higher calling. I am living proof that we can go through things and still become beacons of hope for ourselves and for others.

I wrote that letter that I had been contemplating sending for years...and I sent it! When I clicked send, it felt as though a thousand pounds had been lifted off my chest. I was finally able to breathe. And it doesn’t matter whether or not he acknowledges all that he did to me. I love me and I am ready to live the rest of my years making sure that I prove to myself how much I am loved.

GOD’S GOT ME — I AM SURE OF IT.