CONNECT: Can You Feel The Power of Love? (Winter 2022)

ALWAYS BE MY BABY

by Tamara Derouselle

“We were as one, for a moment in time...”

The day I saw the two blue lines on my pregnancy test, I was resigned and cautious about my optimism. After three miscarriages, this was not my first rodeo. But time went on and five weeks later, I heard a heartbeat. That was when I really let a tiny seed of hope grow.

It’s amazing how fear and hope can coexist. I have a “Corona Baby,” and these are crazy times to be pregnant. COVID added another layer of fear. And while I was terrified of losing my baby, I continued to set milestones to ration out a few more ounces of hope: the DNA testing at 16 weeks, viability at 24 weeks, full term at 37 weeks, and then, in my 41st week, my Cam Bam decided he was ready to meet the world.

After nine months of holding my breath, I thought childbirth would allow me to finally let it go. But initially, I mostly experienced shock and the fear took a different shape after 26 hours of non-medicated labor.

Honestly, the labor was the easy part. He was here, now what? I was responsible for a whole tiny human. And I was not ready. I’m still not. Everything from breastfeeding to sleep schedules feels like a herculean feat. I would never have believed that I would learn to be okay with things like wearing pee and spit-up stains, and perpetually smelling of breastmilk. (FYI, #boymom = got peed on.). It is difficult, precious, unique, and beautiful all at the same time. I would not trade it for anything in the world.

Despite all of that, you cannot tell me he is not the most beautiful baby boy ever. His laughter is the stuff all my dreams are made of. He is the answer to a million prayers, and not just my own. He is a revelation of love. And not just mine for him, but also the love those around me have for him and for me. There are so many ways Cameron is a discovery of love in my life. The loss of babies can be isolating, but the miracle of a newborn opened me in new ways to a mother’s love and all the love of those who were cheering for us.

Gratitude doesn’t begin to describe how I feel for my baby and for my village. In these quarantining times, I haven’t been able to share him with those I love as much as I would like. And as Cam grows, I keep trying to bottle the moments. His first real smile and laugh, his first time rolling over, his first taste of food…. I know there are years of firsts to come, but it all seems to be moving so fast. I have never felt this way about another human being.

My love song for my son is Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby.” I know kids grow up and grow on, but for now, he and I are inextricably connected.