CONNECT: Can You Feel The Power of Love? (Winter 2022)

HE IS

by Karla Lorraine Booker

When I was 12, I had a crush on my brother’s best friend, Kent Smith. He was really cute and that made me blush; but what I remember most was how safe he made me feel… how tender and careful he was with me. How I could tell he was looking out for my well-being whenever he was in my presence. There is no way Kent could have known how much his kindness meant to little Karla, especially as a girl who had already endured so much, including sexual abuse.

Fast forward 38 years to 2013 when, through the wonder that is Facebook, I saw his name on my sorority sister’s page. My heart went pitterpat and I smiled effortlessly. I immediately went to his page and saw a picture that still haunts me to this day – Kent, smoking his last cigarette, after 35 years. I thought he was so brave and so vulnerable to share this attempt with the world, so I messaged him just that!

He responded his thanks and mentioned how proud my husband and I must be with the recent marriage of our daughter. I replied, “Yes, we are very proud, but I’m not married.” He answered, “I’m on my way!” We began messaging and connecting in a way that, to that point in my life, I had never known. I felt seen and heard and inherently understood. I felt friendship and loyalty, empathy and compassion, romance and intimacy. Two months later, he came to Atlanta so we could see if this ‘true love’ we were feeling through Skype would stand up to the wrinkles and belly and emotional baggage that had kept both of us in a space of singlehood at 50 years old.

He looked different than I had expected and there wasn’t this immediate physical attraction. But when he spoke, the love that had grown between us consumed me. And that was all it took. I realized it is the spiritual connection that will last, not the physical one. Within months, I adored every wrinkle, lovingly kissed his balding head, and rested on his snuggly belly to nap. I was smitten.

Eight months later, he surprised me with a marriage proposal! And, in September of 2014, Kent moved to make a home with me in Atlanta. Our plan was to build his business in Atlanta and then marry in June 2015. A few days later, I drove him to catch the megabus back to Richmond, not knowing that my life was about to be forever changed.

Four hours later, Kent called to tell me something was wrong with his hand and he could not hold anything. I’m a physician, so I immediately got on the phone for consultations. We all agreed he should stay on the bus and go to the ER as soon as he got to Richmond. I waited, and after what seemed like forever, Kent called to say that his CT scan showed bleeding in his brain. I quickly hopped on a plane and upon landing received a barrage of texts about cancer. I was dumbfounded. The next day, we learned it was Stage 4 lung cancer with brain metastasis. 2% chance of 5-year survival.

Kent’s health rapidly deteriorated but we were allowed one hour out of the ICU on October 27, 2014 to marry in the Healing Garden at the Medical College of Virginia. With tears in our eyes, we realized our dream of becoming man and wife. And, 71 days later, Kent died in a hospital bed in our home, with all the boxes he’d moved in still unpacked. I cannot describe the hurt and anger I felt. I could not understand why my destiny continued to be filled with disappointment, loss, and heartbreak.

I kept hearing God say, “Trust me. I know what I’m doing.” But, I would stop Him midsentence and say out loud, “Talk to the hand. None of this makes any sense. You could have clipped out those 20 months and sewn the timeline back together. But you didn’t. And I’ll never understand why.”

Thank God my story didn’t end there.

My journey back to sanity and hope for this life took two years. My YANA experience was a major turning point. Someone on Facebook felt my anguish and told me I needed Imani. We messaged, then she called me around midnight and held my pain and tears as if she’d known me forever. I attended two retreats and could finally see some light in the midst of the storm. I learned the power of the vision board – powerfully and intentionally laying out my hopes and dreams – and keeping them before me. I timidly devoted a corner to LOVE & ROMANCE, knowing I still longed for a life partner.

And, in 2017, I met him — Kenneth Strickland. He checked every category on that year’s vision board: healthy and health-focused. Educated and rounding out a career. Fiscally sound and savvy. Someone’s grandfather. Handsome. And most important – loves God more than he could ever love me.

Kenneth is the consistent one. The cautious one. The provider. The one with the bird’s eye view, who evaluates situations from a 360-degree perspective. I didn’t know how much I needed this in my life… I’m the fun one. The energetic one. The impulsive one. The dreamer. The possibility oriented one. The “throw caution to the wind” one. He didn’t know how much he needed this in his life either.

Having someone say, “I’m not going anywhere” and watching them show that in every aspect of our interaction has shifted everything for me. My whole life has been undergirded with paralyzing, fearful thoughts: NO ONE IS HERE FOR YOU… NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP… NO ONE WILL SACRIFICE FOR YOU… ALL YOU HAVE IS WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF. And, although I think it made me very strong, it has been a debilitating, deprivation oriented way to live. I’ve also found that the strength I have is nothing but sinking sand; eventually it will fail because it’s really God that I didn’t trust to stick around. Soooo, having this really firm foundation in my marriage – which could only be as firm and foundational as it is through God’s love, provision, and grace – has allowed me to risk discomfort and push past my fears.

We sharpen one another. But, I think the real growth has come in how we soften one another. The safety and security that we bring allows us to be vulnerable, and this provides an intimacy that expands and endures. It also helps that Kenneth appreciates the journey that brought me to him. Every year, on the anniversary of Kent’s death, Kenneth reminds me that he loves Kent too – because I wouldn’t be the wife I am for him – if I hadn’t been the wife I was for Kent.

I lost someone who changed the way I felt about love… Who changed the way I felt about and saw myself… Whose death had me reeling and finally crawling home, bloody and bruised to My Heavenly Father. Now in retrospect, I’m clear: Just because something feels awful doesn’t mean that it IS awful. And if I look for God in every circumstance, no matter how it feels, I will hear Him whispering, “Trust me. I know what I’m doing. I have a plan.”

I thank God for Kenneth and for my life every single day. Because of who he is, and because of all that HE IS, I am fulfilled… from the inside out.