The Phoenix 2015-2016 Issue 6: Purim Edition

A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Issue 6 • Purim 2016 / 5776

The Phoenix Permanently Shuts Down

By Esther Levy Junior Editor

After decades of reporting the Yeshivah’s news, The Phoenix has announced that it will permanently stop printing, effective immediately. When they heard the news, students were unconcerned.

“Huh? What’s a Felix?” said Junior Ben Wade when I asked him what he thought of the latest issue of The Phoenix. I pronounced each syllable, FEE-nicks, and I even spelled it out. “Oh, like that Harry Potter thing,” Waide said before walking away.

This is a typical response among Flat-

bush students. Only 1 out of every 93.5 students even knows that the school has a newspaper, and those who know certainly don’t read it. “Ugh,” sophomore Brenda Tawil explained. “It just looks so boring.

Like, even reading a sentence of it would suck all the energy out of my entire day.”

When asked if she thinks the poor quality is due to Mr. Hofstetter, the English teacher who oversees the school newspaper, she said, “Who?” before exclaiming, “Oh! Mr. Hofstetter—he’s the short, dark one with the beard, right?”

Speculation over the reason for The Phoenix’s sudden closure abounds. Some blame the toxic relationship among the

student editors who produce the paper. There’s no unity or friendship at all. In fact, it’s the opposite. rs AboTve OF Junio Just last Wednesday, YAverage on PSA Junior Editor David Azrak was seen on the balcony shoving Web Editor Joey Baum into a locker, shouting,New Teachthe: r Spotlig m Lam “You’re a disgrace to mankind!Ms.A disgrace, I tell you!” The incident is believed to have stemmed from a disagreement over the use of an Oxford comma in an article Azrak and Baum were co-writing.

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Mr. Engel Causes Global Wool Shortage

By Daniella Babaee Entertainment Editor

Clothing stores across the world are suffering from a devastating scarcity of sweaters. In fact, wool products of all kinds—coats, hats, and even teapot cozies—are unavailable for purchase worldwide, and beloved history teacher Mr. Engel is allegedly the one to blame.

Known for his signature sweaters, worn whether it rains or shines, he recently caused chaos throughout the world’s wool-related businesses. Approximately three weeks ago, Mr. Engel, who also serves as the Sophomore Grade Ad-

In This Issue Alumnus Profile: Bernie Sanders ('58) Page 2

viser, was saddened over having to discipline yet another sophomore for his, um, sophomoric behavior. To cheer himself up, Mr. Engel went shopping. But what started as an innocent trip to a sweater store soon spiraled into a whirlwind sweater-shopping spree that has left men’s clothing stores around the globe reeling.

“There are no available sweaters in any of the stores,” said a spokesman for Macy's. “We’ve been out of stock for a while now.”

The hardships are being felt all the

continued on page 4

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New Teacher Spotlight: Mrs. Frizzle #sorrynotsorry

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said the incident is pretty typical. “We had to stop having meetings because of all the fistfights that’d break out.”

Naomi Sanders, Junior Editor, added, “Lots of what goes down is from the incapability of some writers to handle sass and … that’s just their problem. I’m just here to gain college credit. If you’re interested in fighting, do it on your own time, and from a distance.”

Others blamed Editor-in-Chief Michelle Harari, who was described as un-

If you haven’t heard of our newest addition to the Science department, Mrs. Frizzle, you’ll have no problem spotting her. All you need to identify her is to look for her curly red hair in a bun and yep, that’s Mrs. Frizzle!

Mrs. Frizzle, commonly known as “The Friz,” initially taught third grade at Walkerville Elementary School. She specializes in all types of sciences, but The Friz is best known for her exotic trips on her magic school bus.

Mrs. Frizzle wasn’t always sure that she was destined to teach science. After teaching for 20+ years, she decided to pursue her long desired dream of acting.

However, her Disney career didn’t go anywhere because the Disney audience often confused her with Merida from Brave.

When she decided to abandon her brief acting career, she knew she was destined to come teach at Flatbush.

Standard of Fabulous: District 12: Yeezy, breezy, beautiful Page 7

Ente and Prejudice Pride and oh my!

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Tennis on Page 8

|1 oenix.com atbushph www.thefl

continued on page 3 Her hobbies include endless hours spent searching for a parking spot on Avenue J for her magic school bus, driving Liz (her pet lizard) all over Brooklyn the Sunday before chesed hours are due, and walking up and down Ave J and East 16th looking for Ready to Roll.

“I am aiming to strengthen the school by instituting a program called MagicFinders,” The Friz explained. This program is designed through the Science department to create daily trips for students. It enables real-life experiences at dangerous locations on Mrs. Frizzle’s school bus.

Another change Mrs. Frizzle hopes to implement is the removal of the alarm on the annex door. “This way, my students have the freedom to go on MagicFinders trips all day without having the displeasure of constant blaring alarms!”

The part she most enjoys about Flatbush is the unity of the student body. “I mean, it’s truly uplifting when I see every single girl unite at Chock just to buy a green tea lemonade,” she exclaimed.

Clearly Mrs. Frizzle is extremely happy to be working in this school. She’s up for anything, as long as it pays enough for the gas in her magic school bus!

Sports: James Buchanan, lacrosse superstar Page 8

www.theflatbushfauxnix.com | 1

Meet a Flatbush Family

Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian

By Gabi Cohen School News Editor

Teachers and students alike have been buzzing with anticipation, excited to meet the newest Flatbush family: Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian, and they are finally here. The Kardashian sisters have recently become Flatbush students after getting expelled from Magen David. In an exclusive Fauxnix interview, the sisters refused to discuss their expulsion but they did say that they are most excited for Mrs. Pahuskin’s fashion class. Our interviewer heard their momager, Kris Jenner, screaming in the background, “Tell them you all can’t wait to get your diploma!”

Academically, the sisters are struggling to adjust to their rigorous classes,

although Dr. Wolowelsky mentioned that Kim’s arithmetic is improving slowly and steadily. Otherwise, teachers say that class is no different from before they arrived, except for the increase in the number of selfies taken during class.

Socially, however, the Kardashians are making their presence felt. You might see Kourtney and Khloe making fun of Kim, the oldest Kardashian, but it’s all in good fun. Kim gets her revenge on the Dance team, where she outshines her younger sisters. SGO president Danielle Ashkenazie reports that Kourtney and Khloe are becoming an essential part of the school, starting Fashion Business and Modeling Commissions.

All three girls agreed that learning Talmud is more exciting and intellectually stimulating than photo shoots or working in their family clothing store.

Rabbi Levy is especially happy to have the Kardashians sisters at Flatbush, and he has high hopes they will lead the Torah Bowl team to victory.

It warms everyone’s hearts to see them in the lounge passing out their hand-medown clothes. They are all examples of a Ba’alat Chesed. Lastly, the Kardashians have graciously offered to pay all students’ tuition, as a token of their gratitude to Flatbush for letting them in when no other school would.

Alumnus Profile: Bernie Sanders (’58)

By Diana Hoffstein Junior Editor

His Brooklyn accent is now well known to all Americans, but few people know that presidential candidate and current U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders got his start in politics at Yeshivah of Flatbush, where he starred on the Debate team and ran unsuccessfully for SGO President in the spring of 1957. His platform, much like it is today, was based on equality and sharing the wealth. Specifically, he called for all students to receive the same grade of B- in every class, rather than having some students enjoy A’s while most of the school had to get by with C’s and D’s.

Despite a move to Vermont years ago and a bid for the White House, the Flatbush alumnus has not forgotten his roots. In fact, his ties to the Yeshivah are closer than ever now that his grandniece and -nephew Naomi and Perry Sanders are students here. Perry certainly takes after his grand-uncle, who was in every Flatbush production until his graduation in 1958. Bernie has often FaceTimed Perry in the middle of a nationally televised debate just so that they can catch up. This is why Hillary Clinton sometimes looks so frustrated.

Associate Principal Ms. Jill Sanders claims that her brother-in-law reminds her of the character George Costanza on the show Seinfeld.

Bernie is a crucial branch in the Sanders’ family tree. Uncle Bernie hosts the bi-annual Sanders Thanksgivukkah Barbecue. He said that these barbecues are loads of fun because he and Naomi have a tradition of singing karaoke until

Sanders rehearses for the Hebrew Play (1956)

the sun comes up. At their last barbecue, Bernie and Naomi belted Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself.”

After discussing his love for his family, Sanders reminisced about his years in high school. “I remember back when the pool was still a pool, there wasn’t a fancy auditorium, and the cereals were still knock-offs.” He said he always had the main role in the Flatbush plays and had a passion for being on stage. In his freshman year, he played Piglet in a Hebrew version of Winnie the Pooh: The Musical, and the rest is history.

He recalls that whenever his friends forgot lunch money, he would split his Bagel Hole order equally among all of them. “Democratic socialism means that we must create a system that works for all, not just those who can bring lunch money to school,” he remembers telling them. They didn’t quite understand him back then, but he still believed he could make a difference.

Today he credits his time at Flatbush with preparing him for a life in politics: “If I can find a parking spot on 17th, how hard can it be to run the country?”

Student Survey: Did you respond to this survey?

Yes: 28% No: 54% Not sure: 18% 642 responses

The Fauxnix Staff Editor-in-Chief: Michelle Harari Managing Editor: Miriam Zenilman Senior Editor: Gabriel Vizgan School News Editor: Gabrielle Cohen Religion Editor: Sarah Torgueman Entertainment Editor: Daniella Babaee Music Editor: Esty Fromer Sports Editor: Albert Dweck Fun and Games Editor: Merle Dweck Standard of Fabulous Editors: Sylvia Ashkenazie, Aida Hasson Web Editor: Joey Baum

High School Administration Rabbi Raymond Harari Head of School Rabbi Ronald Levy Principal Ms. Jill W. Sanders Associate Principal Director of Admissions Ms. Sari Bacon Associate Principal Rabbi Joseph Beyda Assistant Principal

Junior Editors: David Azrak, Diana Hoffstein, Mimi Lazerowitz, Esther Levy, Naomi Sanders, Jane Zakay Sophomore Editors: Daliah Ben-Ari, Mary Jajati, Marlene Levy Design: Therese Berkowitz Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter

www.theflatbushfauxnix.com | 2

D’var Torah: Check Your Lulav

By Sarah Torgueman Religion Editor

Breaking news: lulavim are no longer kosher! Sukkot is just around the corner and the preparations have been outstanding. Sukkot have been popping up around the neighborhood since Rosh Hashana. Last-minute errands are being made in preparation for the upcoming chag, but will the Jewish community be unable to fulfill the mitzvah of shaking the lulav this year?

The Zika virus has infested 90% of the lulavim that have been grown for this year’s chag of Sukkot, thus they can no longer be shipped. The infested lulavim will be destroyed immediately and used for fertilizer to grow next year’s lulav crop. Lulavim are no longer kosher, considering that the majority of the shaking will be done to only the hadassim and arevot. The middle spaces of the sets will be empty.

This outbreak cannot stop the chag from taking place. Sukkot will remain the chag of simchah, or happiness. As stated in Deoraytah, or the Torah shebichtav, it is a mitzvah to be happy on Sukkot. The infestation of lulavim will not stop the simchah of Sukkot. Please, refrain from worry about not being able to fulfill the full mitzvah of shaking the lulav.

In the Sha’arei Teshuva (Orech Chayim 625), we find that “one should in-

crease the giving of charity on … Sukkot.”

As stated in the Gemara, one is required to own his own lulav on the first day of Sukkot, considering the word “lachem.”

In other words, one that belongs to him.

However, when it comes to the remaining days, borrowing is permitted.

This new infestation teaches a crucial lesson. In times of need, it is important to understand the idea of achdut, or unity. The Jewish people are united as one, ke'ish echad belev echad. Tragedies will occur, struggles will come, and infestations can take place. We cannot let this obstacle, or unfortunate occurrence, hinder the Jewish people as a whole from fulfilling the mitzvah. It is important to perform the mitzvah to the best of our abilities. For those 10% of Jews who were fortunate enough to own their own Zika-free lulavim this year, they may take advantage of the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of giving charity on Sukkot; they can lend their lulavim to those who need to fulfill the mitzvah.

This outbreak can be seen as a sign as well. The four minim of Sukkot can represent many different objects, ideas, or concepts. Without the lulav as the spine that holds up the hadassim and aravot, the hadassim and aravot have the opportunity to stand on their own without having to rely on their spine to carry them through. Without the lulav, the etrog is still has the power to stand on its own.

The heart has the strength to beat without the reliance on the spine. As Sukkot approaches, let us remember to step up as leaders without relying on the “spines” in our lives so that we can fulfill the mitzvah of charity on this chag. Together, we can work together and make the best of what we do have with us for Sukkot this year.

Chag sameach and stay safe!

Phoenix Shuts Down... continued from front page likeable and abusive by many members of the staff, who all requested anonymity in order to avoid Harari’s vengeance. Teachers, who are similarly afraid of Harari’s violent temper, described her as irresponsible, immature, and “chutzpadik,” whatever that means.

Rabbi Levy, who approves all articles before they can be printed, has also weighed in on the demise of The Phoenix, noting how fed up he was with checking boring articles. “It’s torture reading those articles,” Rabbi Levy stated. “I’m actually retiring just to escape.”

Rabbi Levy and Ms. Sanders revealed

Flatbush to Welcome Syrian Refugees

By Michelle Harari Editor-in-Chief

As of March 2016, the Yeshivah of Flatbush has decided to take it upon itself to help solve the Syrian refugee crisis in a creative way: take them in to the Yeshivah as students.

Watching the Syrian civil war play out from afar, the Flatbush School Board decided to take matters into its own hands.

“The government has a rigorous screening process before allowing any refugees into the country,” said Associate Principal Ms.

that banning The Phoenix has been discussed on multiple occasions—almost every day. “We were just waiting for an excuse,” Sanders exclaimed, excited by the idea.

However, such action, or rather the lack of action, had angered much of the faculty, who protested the continuation of The Phoenix. “The level of discourse is simply atrocious,” remarked Ms. Bloom.

“The whole thing is rubbish.”

Ultimately none of our sources were able to pin down the precise reason for the newspaper’s termination. However, nobody seems to be sorry to see it go.

Sanders, who oversees admission. “We have a rigorous screening process before allowing any students into the school. It’s a natural fit.”

The administration believes this will aid the homeless and scared Syrian children as well as the Flatbush high school students.

“We’ll teach them math and English and they’ll teach the students self-defense and combat skills,” noted Assistant Principal Rabbi Beyda. “It’s a win-win situation.”

Principal Rabbi Levy explained the process. First the refugees will be absorbed into the high school and, after the administration analyzes how well they adapt to the life here, they’ll be admitted to the elementary school as well. “We will begin enforcing further security measures for the first couple of weeks, until we smooth things out fully,” Rabbi Levy added. “We really want to try to bring them in before the seniors leave so

Trump Taps Kaplowitz as VP

By David Azrak Junior Editor

GOP presidential candidate and hair enthusiast Donald Trump has finally announced his running mate in anticipation of his inevitable nomination, and it is none other than our own Ms. Shelley Kaplowitz.

“She’s fabulous. Frankly, I wish I could marry her. Maybe I will when I inevitably tire of my current wife. I can assure you there’s no problem. I’ve never met Shelley Kaplowitz, but my dear friend Senator Rokita told me she would be a perfect running mate,” Trump said in an exclusive Fauxnix interview.

On Monday, Trump could be seen landing his helicopter on the Yeshivah’s rooftop tennis court to take Ms. Kaplowitz to Trump Towers for the formal announcement.

When asked about the unexpected nomination, Ms. Kaplowitz said, “It truly is an honor to be working with such a great man. I have adored Mr. Trump ever since he first started publicly insulting highly accomplished women based on their appearance. I especially admire his position on immigration, his embracing of the KKK, and the way he has restored class and dignity to the presidential debates. I feel very much like Sarah Palin, a truly intelligent and successful woman

whom I deeply admire.”

As part of the “Trumpification” process, Ms. Kaplowitz will be given a spray tan, a Trump-like hairdo, and have her fingers shrunken in order to better convey what the Trump brand truly means.

In fact, Trump will now be running with a brand new slogan: “My fingers may be small, but I’ll still build that wall!”

Only one question remains, of course: what will become of Kaplowitz’s classes?

“None of my students follow current events so they have no idea this has happened,” Ms. Kaplowitz explained. “In fact, they’re probably not reading The Fauxnix either. So they’ll find out when I stop showing up to class. For now, though, my classes will be taught by Mr. Engel and Mr. Lazar.”

Mr. Engel, currently in hiding after wiping out the world’s wool supply, was unavailable to fully comment and merely said “Really?!” 12 times. Mr. Lazar answered our questions in Latin, which we are just going to casually ignore for lack of comprehension.

Finally, as part of a new sponsorship deal, the Yeshivah of Flatbush will now officially be called Trump Yeshivah.

Trump wigs will replace kippot as mandatory headgear, Mr. Kweller’s business elective classes will now be part of Trump University, and the Spanish department has been deported.

Editor's Note: For those unable to detect sarcasm, Ms. Kaplowitz would like it known she would rather chew off her own foot than be associated with Mr. Trump in any way.

Welcome, Class of 2020!

they can all learn a thing or two from each other.”

When asked for comment, Mr. Galpert responded that he’s now swamped with even more work, trying to arrange new schedules and timings for all these new students. He added, “But there is no way they can make it

on to senior ski trip, I’ll tell you that much!”

We’re all looking forward to an interesting end-of-term and especialy in the future, when the Syrian refugees will no longer be considered merely refugees here, but just another part of the Syrian community of Brooklyn.

www.theflatbushfauxnix.com | 3

Mr. Rothbort Leaves to Pursue Comedy Career

By Naomi Sanders Junior Editor

After much tension with the administration, Mr. Howard Rothbort, Chair of the History Department, has decided that he is done with teaching and is ready to start a new chapter of his life.

While the administration is struggling to remain calm, Mr. Rothbort says he wants to “turn back time” to pursue his childhood dream of becoming a standup comedian. “No need to give out plus fives to students telling me I look young, by the way. Doing standup comedy helps me feel young again, like back when I had hair,” Rothbort explained. “I don’t want to be on a teacher’s salary for the rest of my life. I have no money anyway.”

Mr. Rothbort says he is leaving Yeshivah of Flatbush because he’s “not gonna take it! No! We ain’t gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it anymore!” He claims to be “hadjed with the kibbe lahmajin” that goes into teaching students who have “no shot of passing this class.”

Mr. Rothbort adds, “Also, they’re such a tough crowd; it’s time I am appreciated for my humor.” The administration has tried its best to get Mr. Rothbort to stay and even offered him better transportation (instead of his moped),

"I'll be here all week."

Seniors Ditch Senior Ditch Day

By Gabe Vizgan Senior Editor

If you missed this year’s Senior Ditch Day, the day when upperclassmen unanimously decide to miss school for a day of grade-wide fun, you’re not alone. For the first time ever, seniors decided not to attend the refusal to attend school. This seemingly paradoxical statement is really quite logical. Instead of ditching school, seniors attended all classes, took notes, participated in class discussions, turned in assignments when required, and went home.

Some teachers speculated that the seniors’ decision to ditch Ditch Day was made

but the genie is already out of the bottle. Associate Principal Ms. Sanders expresses her despair to Mr. Rothbort in an e-mail: “Surely there is something we can do to get you to change your mind?”

His response: “Don’t call me Shirley.”

When asked about the correspondence, Mr. Rothbort replied, “The administration can’t touch this. No touchy.”

Will his comedy career be successful?

Only time will tell, but Mr. Rothbort is confident. “I figure my funny ties alone will get me a one-hour comedy special on HBO. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just quote lines from The Princess Bride.”

This is hardly the first time Mr. Rothbort has changed careers. He said he used to work in the food businesses. For example, he used to work for a bakery but he wasn’t making enough dough. He also worked for Tropicana, but his boss said he couldn’t concentrate. He also has put his muscles to the test as a lumberjack but, sadly, they gave him the ax.

We were going to ask whether he ever worked in a bank, but we lost interest.

However, he is excited to finally be pursuing his calling every weeknight, where his jokes will be on a roll, not a bagel.

Mr. Rothbort told The Fauxnix that now he is only working nights and will have more time to spend with his kids, Tehila, Zeke, Shishi, and Eliav, and take care of his cats, Salt and Pepper. He says, “I’ve always told my students that they gotta get out more. It’s time I took my own advice.”

His departure leaves the History department in turmoil. With Mr. Lazar leaving for Rome, Ms. Kaplowitz pursuing her political aspirations, and Mr. Engel in disgrace after ruining an international industry, Mr. Kweller will be the new department chairman. Asked for his thoughts about handing the reins to Mr. Kweller, Mr. Rothbort said, “Mr. Kweller is very tall.”

Long Live Rothbortji! out of laziness, as this year’s seniors can’t even be bothered to not even be bothered to go to class. However, the truth turned out to be quite the opposite.

Over the years, Senior Ditch Day has gained a negative reputation as a day of ne'erdo-wells acting recklessly and doing inappropriate things. This year’s senior grade simply respects the faculty too much to let them prepare lessons and materials for a class that doesn’t show up. Thus the seniors decided to ditch Ditch Day as a testament to the school’s character, and to showcase their dedication to their studies.

“We’re practically adults. We’re too mature for this nonsense,” said one senior who requested anonymity to avoid taking credit for the wonderful middot of his peers.

“I don’t want to be associated with delinquency,” senior David Bendayan said when asked why he was partaking in the refusal to partake in this event. “My parents pay a lot for tuition; why would I waste even one day of my education?”

"I will no longer be a victim," the vending machine declared.

Vending Machine Attacks Student

By Marlene Levy Sophomore Editor

Exasperated after years of abuse, one of the vending machines outside the Student Lounge erupted last week and attacked junior Jack Bawabeh of class 3-T. “Every day that kid hits me and shoves me against the wall,” explained the middle snack machine. “Yesterday he shoved his entire arm in me and tried to rip out my insides. I figured it was time to let him know what it feels like.”

Several students who should have been in class at the time told security

guards that they saw the machine violently shake Bawabeh for several seconds until Bawabeh eventually coughed up a Kit-Kat. Mr. Hofstetter, who for some reason teaches most of his classes in the Music Room despite being an English teacher, heard the commotion and intervened, yelling at the machine to unhand the student.

Witnesses say that Mr. Hofstetter simply yelled, “I’m trying to teach a class in here! Keep it down!”

The machine remained enraged for several minutes, calming down only when Leiby arrived and gave it a soothing pep talk. Unfortunately that was soon interrupted when Jimmy approached and he and Leiby started arguing for reasons still undetermined.

Even a few days after the attack, Bawabeh was clearly shaken (sorry, we couldn't resist). “There was a sign on the machines a few months ago that said two Americans are killed by vending machines every year. I almost became one of them,” he said.

Wool Shortage... continued from front page way down the supply chain. Not only has this shortage of sweaters caused businesses selling wool products to lose a staggering amount of income, but also manufacturers are suffering. Factories have been shuttered internationally, some temporarily and some for good.

“My livelihood is ruined,” said Bangladeshi factory owner Hasan Dweck.

“How will I feed my family? Without wool, I cannot manufacture clothing.

Now I can’t afford to buy clothing for my children. Oh, the situational irony!”

Ultimately, the shortage goes all the way back to the sheep themselves, as shepherds around the world are unable to keep up with the increased demand of an Engel shopping spree. Several countries that lead in wool production have extended their shepherds’ working hours by 50% to support the growing demand.

“All I see is wool all day and night.” says New Zealand shepherd John Tweed.

“All I want is to go home and see my family after a long day of work.”

Shepherds in countries that economize their wool, such as New Zealand and Great Britain, are threatening to strike. But even with increased hours, shepherds are unable to keep up with orders for their wool.

“My sheep are exhausted,” Tweed said. “They can’t grow the stuff fast enough.”

“Aye,” agreed Scottish shepherd Jack “Scotty” McTawil. “I’m giving her all I’ve got, but the sheep, she can’t take no more.”

Meanwhile, despite the new additions to his wardrobe, Mr. Engel remains despondent, though his depression is now due to his guilt over destroying an entire sector of the world’s economy.

“Sigh,” Mr. Engel said sadly. “I apologize for the madness, mayhem, and chaos.” And then he coughed up a hairball.

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Board Room Becoming Nursery

By Mary Jajati Sophomore Editor

With so many Flatbush teachers either pregnant or having given birth recently, the administration has decided to transform the school’s Board Room into a nursery.

For the 2016–’17 school year our lucky teachers will have somewhere sort-of safe to put their children while they work, and they’re ecstatic about it.

They praise the proximity, which will allow them to visit the nursery during their free periods.

Assistant Administrator David Galpert explained that the transformation will cost the school nothing, as babysitters are built in. “There are always students in the office. Instead of dealing with their complaints I can just ask them to wait in the nursery for a minute. They’ll get distracted by all the cute babies, and voila—free childcare. Better yet, they’ll forget all about whatever reason they came to talk to me!”

Staff children of any age will be welcome in the nursery. However, the school is expecting mostly babies, due to the fact that 14 of them have already been born to members of the faculty this year and another 27 are expected within the next two months. And that’s not even counting Mrs. Hanon’s grandchildren!

During national or Jewish holiday,s a bigger bunch is sure to show up. Preg-

nant English teacher Ms. Marcus said, “I’m so glad I’ll have somewhere to put Eddie (and whomever comes next) on days like New Years or Chanukah when daycare is closed. Normally, I would have to either pay for a babysitter or take the day off.”

Rabbi Beyda expressed excitement about the change. The principal-to-be said he’s “delighted that during my first year as principal, Flatbush will be taking this big step to support our faculty.” He added that he will be happy to help if any of the babies need to clear cuts.

Students are unanimously in favor of the situation. For example, sophomore Moshe Finkel said, “The nursery will definitely comfort the teachers. More comfort means better moods. Better moods mean more generous grades. Everybody wins.”

Jeff Fried also likes the plan but for a different reason. “The teachers will be distracted by the fact that their kids are just a few flights of stairs away. They’ll go to check on their babies, they’ll get caught up, and suddenly I’ll have double lunch!”

The only person who expressed disapproval was Mr. Engel, who waited for years to get his own official classroom, only to lose it a year later to a bunch of babies. When asked for his opinion, he let out a deep, sad sigh, before adding, “This is depressing. Maybe I’ll go buy a new sweater to cheer myself up.”

"Vale, acetabulis!"

Mr. Lazar Moving To Rome

By Jane Zakay Junior Editor

One of Flatbush’s most beloved History teachers, Mr. Lazar, is saying farewell this year. You may know him as your Global History teacher, or as your Latin instructor, or even as the previous owner of the world-famous Lazar Diamond. Some know him to be the best person to go to if you ever need a motivational speech to help get you through the year. The faculty knows him as a best friend, a great coworker and a really respected individual.

This school will really be lost without him.

Mr. Lazar is moving to Rome because

he has been selected for a highly secretive position in government. As a bonus, he gets to practice his Latin and increase the amount of steps he takes on his Fitbit while walking up and down the famed Spanish Steps. He was able to receive this position because Flatbush’s very own Señora Birman happens to be a childhood friend of Pope Francis and she recommended her great friend, Mr. Lazar, for the job. When the Birmans went back to Argentina over Winter Break, they met up with Pope Francis and he asked her if she knows anyone that knew Latin and teaches history from New York who lives in the

Seminar to Be Held On Cruise Ship Continued repairs at the Somerset Hotel and constant weddings at the Berkeley Oceanfront Hotel have left Dean of Students Rabbi Besser with no suitable land-based venue to hold Seminar. Never discouraged, Rabbi Besser says the show will go on. Starting next year, Seminar will be held instead on a cruise ship, the S.S. Tipton.

In preparation for this new venture, students next year will be able to take several new tzei ulemads, including knot tying, semaphore, Morse code, and the especially popular “Salty Sailor Talk.”

The manager of the S.S. Tipton, Marion Moseby, said he was hesitant at first, reluctant to allow a large group of students on his ship. In his initial e-mail to Rabbi Besser he wrote, “I don’t need any more hooligans running around my lob-

by.” However, Moseby’s outlook changed when he realized that the size and frequency of the Flatbush contingent would fill all available rooms and thus impress his boss, Mr. Tipton.

The Tipton family seems excited as well. London Tipton, heiress and permanent resident of the ship, simply exclaimed, “Yay me!”

Rabbi Besser assured worried students that the S.S. Tipton has an extensive variety of facilities that will be available to the Yeshivah of Flatbush to use for Seminar. For example, the Shabbat meals as well as the tisch will be held in the ship’s atrium, sessions will take place on the Fiesta Deck, and other activities will be available on the huge Sky Deck.

Although swimming, using the hot tub, and other water activities will be off limits due to issues of tzniut, there are many other fun activities such as fishing, playing shuffleboard or miniature golf, and rock climbing. Students can even complete a few of their chesed hours by playing bingo with the senior citizens on the Neptune Balcony.

The S.S. Tipton staff is looking forward to having Flatbush on deck!

Five Towns and has four children. She, of course, thought of Mr. Lazar.

“It is hard for me to leave behind my students, since they are like another family to me,” said Mr. Lazar. “I just feel like, as a historian, this is an opportunity of a lifetime to live in a country with the richest history.” We all know that Mr. Lazar recently left us for the weekend of February 21st. He went to go visit his future home country. He said that Rome’s Jewish community welcomed his family with open arms. “It’s a little different there because they don’t go by Sephardic or Ashkenazi traditions but rather Roman costumes that started even before those, but my family and I will still be keeping our traditions.”

Students expressed deep disappointment in his departure, and many said they will miss his enjoyable and completely reasonable homework assignments.

“Honestly, without Mr. Lazar’s homework I’m going to have nothing to do all weekend. Who wants all that free time?” said sophomore Dubby Sasson.

Teachers were dismayed as well. “I can’t believe he won’t be around anymore,”

Ms. Wielgus lamented. “I don’t really care about him personally, but he makes the coffee in the teachers’ room. I need my coffee.”

“I’m going to miss him,” said Rabbi Skolnick, and then added, “Wait a second—does that mean I get his classroom?

I get his classroom now, right?”

The move will also be hard on Mr. Lazar’s children. His oldest, Yaakov, who could once recite the names of all the U.S. Presidents in order, will now have to learn all the Popes. This move will be hardest on the newest Lazar, Teddy, who is named after Theodore Roosevelt. Mr. Lazar said the family is considering changing Teddy’s name to Silvio after Italy’s greatest-ever Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi. Daughter Yoella, however, will be joining the Italian Olympic team for gymnastics. She tried out and they said she was the best they’d ever seen.

Mr. Hofstetter had perhaps the most poignant words about Mr. Lazar’s upcoming move: “Lazar? That doesn’t sound familiar. I don’t think I know him.”

by Mimi Lazerowitz Junior Editor

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Entertainment & Fun Book Review: The Scarlet Letter SparkNotes

By Esther Levy Junior Editor

Music Review: Justin Beiber puts “The Erlking” Back on Top

By Miri Zenilman Managing Editor

Many YOF students know “Der Erlkönig,” or “The Erlking,” from the music class taken sophomore year. Franz Schubert took Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s poem and set music to it in the 19th century, and it lives on as one of the profound love songs ever made. Recently, Justin Beiber released a cover of “The Lied,” which instantaneously topped the Billboard Hot 100.

“The Lied,” as many students know, is about a misunderstood fairy looking for love while an overprotective father simultaneously tries to shield his daughter from the world. In the end, the Erlking

meets the girl and is finally given the father’s blessing. It became an instant hit in Germany back in the 1800s, when it was first composed. It quickly spread across the ocean and reached America. However, its popularity faded in the early 2000s.

But as soon as Bieber released his cover, “The Erlking” regained its prestige in the United States. People of all ages have tuned into local radio stations, almost all of which have the new single playing on repeat.

Critics have praised the revival of “The Lied” but censured Beiber’s German, saying it sounded “choppy” and “as offbeat as all of his other songs.” But the fans have spoken, and the message is clear: America loves “The Lied”!

Ask A Disney Princess

By Merle Dweck

Fun and Games Editor

Dear Snow White, I’ve tried whistling while I work, but my short story research project is not getting done any faster. Can you spare any helpful birds? It’s due next week. Please advise.

Desperate Sophomore Desperate, I advise taking a walk in the woods and stumbling upon a house full of old dwarves who invite you in. Please, trust these strangers immediately. They’ll build you a great casket when you die, and they will surely help you with your research paper. Just watch out for Dopey: he could delete everything on your computer. Oh, and don’t listen to Grumpy. Stay in school; good does come out of it.

Always, Snow White

Dear Elsa, How do you spend your time in the summer?

Sincerely, Aspiring Princess Aspiring, I guess that’s for me to know and you to find out. I think the Frozen 2 release date has come out. Stay tuned. I may just turn spring into fall.

Always, Elsa Dear Elsa, One day school is oppressively hot, and the next day it’s cold in every classroom.

Please make up your mind.

Signed, Fire and Ice Fire and Ice, I’m not sure if you got the memo, but I’m a woman. I change my mind constantly. One day I want to lock myself in my

All readers yearn for the same feeling: to be able to start reading and not want to stop until the message of the book is swarming through their bodies, flowing through their veins, and taking up every thought of their brains, making it impossible to breathe. It’s a feeling that only a few authors can provide; the author of The Scarlet Letter chapter summaries on the SparkNotes website is one of them.

When you first open up to the website we all know, love, and frequent so often that it’s not merely bookmarked but permanently opened on our screens, it can be a little overwhelming. The task of having to read not only 24 chapter summaries, but also the Plot Overview, Character List, Important Quotations, Themes, and, of course, the Quiz can be daunting. But once you click on any of the blue-worded links and start reading, all that dread instantly disappears as you find yourself glued to the screen, rapidly scrolling and scrolling through key quotes and in-depth analyses, which are filled with vibrant diction, dashes, and sentence-length variation that really help set the tone for the story.

This makes The Scarlet Letter easily every Flatbush student’s favorite SparkNotes novel. It’s hard to even walk through the halls without overhearing lively debates over anything from the symbolism of the town gossips to the true meaning behind Hester’s embroidery skills.

“The gossips are clearly a reflection of one’s inner self-analysis,” scoffs junior Deborah Coopersmith, rolling her eyes.

“Are you insane?” yells fellow junior Estelle Saad from the other side of the hall as she whips out her phone to present proof from the Symbolism section of Sparroom and the next I want to let it all go and live my life. So what? I can’t crave French fries and milk at the same time? What if I wanted to wear a blue dress for half my life and then burst into song and change my whole outfit and hair entirely? Would you object so strongly? If you order pizza and a soda but want water, are you going to deprive your body of the H20 it needs to survive just because you refuse to change your mind? No no. You can’t hold it back anymore. Stand in the light of day and let the storm rage on. Buy the soda AND the water bottle.

Always, Elsa Dear Pocahontas, Every day I talk to the tree in my back-

kNotes. Such discourse is usually followed by hordes of freshmen and sophomores rushing past with their hands over their ears, fearful of catching a spoiler before they have a chance to read the SparkNotes themselves.

The condensed analysis of the book has taken such favor with students that Ms. Bloom, Chair of the English Department, has recently announced that from now on every Tuesday will officially be known as “The Scarlet Letter Analysis Day” (TSLAD) and delegated as a day set aside for students and teachers to discuss—and quote from—the SparkNotes Analysis. Bloom explained that the idea came to her one day when Joe BenHaim, a junior in her AP Language class, ran into the room in tears, incoherently mumbling about the “elevated diction” employed by SparkNotes and his desperate need to discuss the beauty of the chapter summaries.

Ms. Bloom explained that TSLAD is not only for her classes, but also for the whole school to partake in weekly discussions. Freshman and sophomore classes are focusing on Background and Historical Context in preparation for junior year, when they will read the brief synopsis of the book. Meanwhile they will have to settle for the SparkNotes version of classics like Oedipus and Julius Caesar. yard, but it never talks back. Just once I would like a little bit of sage advice, delivered lovingly by a large plant. Any tips?

Sincerely, Brown Thumb Brown, Well, this just got awkward really fast.

And it was going so well. This is Merle speaking with a quick interference announcement. I’m sure this question is filled with witty humor, but, alas, humor I will never understand. OK, I’ll say it: I never saw Pocahontas. I’m a deprived child. Any other questions?

Always, Merle

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Standard of Fabulous Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, and Yeezy

By Sylvia Ashkenazie SOF Editor

Purim is here. It’s a time to eat big meals, spend time with the family you never see, and just have fun. It’s also the one day of the year when you can dress up as anyone or anything you want and no one will judge.

Instead of buying some boring costume from the store like you do every year, make one yourself. It’s time for a Purim costume DIY! The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins is still incredibly popular. But everyone is going to dress up as Katniss, Peeta, Haymich, Effie, and any of those boring other main characters. I mean, we all know that the peasants from District 12 are the best people in the entire book. So obviously, this DIY is all about the peasants. This costume is going to look fabulous and it only takes a couple of steps.

Step 1: Rub black eyeshadow all over your face to make it look like dirt.

Do the same to your hands and arms once you have put on the full costume.

Mascara may be used to give your eyelashes any extra length that you may want to add.

Step 2: Don’t wash your hair for at least a week before Purim. This will give your hair a dirty yet natural look—you don’t want to be the loser at the party who tried to make his hair look dirty but severely failed. Your hair will have the wild and unkempt look that every good peasant needs.

Step 3: Purchase a shirt, pants, and a pair of shoes from Yeezy. Not only will these clothes give you the correct degree of bagginess and neutral color tones, but also they are available for purchase at incredibly cheap prices. Only one piece of this outfit can cost anywhere between $200 and $750! What an incredible steal!

Step 4: Put all the components together and you’ve got yourself one fabulous Purim costume. Everyone at the party will be oozing jealousy and it’ll only cost y o u the equivalent of three years of cell phone service. Isn’t that just the greatest thing you’ve ever heard?

Be sure to catch up with us again next year for another Purim DIY!

Trend Alert: Plastic Bhats

By Aida Hasson SOF Editor

OK, guys, you are going to freak out about how beautiful this is. The newest trend is plastic bhats. What is a plastic bhat, you may ask? Well, it’s a plastic bag hat, but the people in charge of fashion think that putting two words together is more fun. Which, it obviously is. So bag and hat become bhat (pronounced b’hat). Past trends like this include jeggings (jeans and leggings), earrings (rings in your ears), etc.

To achieve this look, all you have to do is get a clear plastic bag and place it over your head! Sure, there are lots of

Sam Says

By Sam Contributing Writer

April Showers Bring May Superpowers

By Sylvia Ashkenazie SOF Editor

Even if it was just in kindergarten, everyone has had the dream of becoming a superhero with incredible superpowers at one point in their lives. Well, this is your chance to fulfill your dream and cross one more thing off your bucket list.

Associate Principal Ms. Bacon told The Fauxnix that she will personally be giving all students capes and other superhero attire, which they will be allowed to wear to school throughout the year.

Every superhero needs to have a name. Each student will receive a cape and some fabric paint. Capes come in maroon, gold, pink, blue, or green. All paint is either silver or white. One period a day for the next week will be dedicated to painting and designing your very own superhero cape. After you’ve finished your cape it will be left to dry along the railing above the gym and on the bleachers. Once the capes dry they

will be placed in students’ lockers, folded and pressed. The superhero name on your cape will be the name your teachers will use in class, so pick one that you really like.

After finishing the capes, students will be required to purchase silver spandex skirts/pants. Recent studies have shown that sitting in class in boring casual clothes has decreased the amount of participation that occurs throughout the school day. Wearing something comfortable yet out of the ordinary will actually increase students’ desire to participate in class. Researchers predict that adding the spandex bottoms to the superhero cape will increase participation in class by 89%.

Assistant Administrator David Galpert has put barcodes on the underside of every cape; capes and bottoms must be returned to the office by the time a student graduates or he/she will have to complete an extra 25 chesed hours in order to graduate. Of course, superhero work is a great way to get those hours.

Cape designing will begin the week before Pesach vacation. Bottoms will be available for sale that Monday; all funds go to SBH. You know what they say: dress for the job you want!

cases of death by plastic bag suffocation, but sometimes fashion is worth a bit of pain.

The advantages are countless. First of all, it’s clear colored, so it literally matches anything you wear. Then there is the fact that you don’t have to worry about your hair because the bag will smush it all down anyway. You also don’t have to worry about not being able to see, which is a huge problem in fashion trends these days. (For example, brown paper bhats, garbage bag veils, and Sia’s bangs.)

And here’s a huge bonus: there’s no need to worry about rain! No more “What should I wear today? Is it going to rain?”

It doesn’t matter when you have a bhat!

If you haven’t seen people wearing plastic bhats on the streets, you need to look up from your phone once in a while.

People everywhere have been wearing them for ages, but they really took off a few weeks ago when fashion designer Lady Gaga was inspired by a bhat wearer (a homeless man on the street) and decided to create a high-end bhat made of more durable plastic. She pitched the idea to Shark Tank, and it has since been blowing up the fashion world.

Fashion police all over the world are stopping people and handing them cheap plastic bhats to wear until they can buy

a nicer version. Buy yours today before you are embarrassed and stopped by the fashion police! (It’s way worse than being stopped by the tzniut police, trust me.)

Prices for bhats range from $675 to about $1,800. Don’t settle for a cheap knock-off! The more expensive the bhat, the better the quality, and the longer it will last. They are available for purchase at local boutiques, as well as in the paper goods aisle of any supermarket. You can also purchase them online directly from Ziploc, which has raised its prices dramatically since this trend began.

Hello there, Flatbush, Sam Says here. You know what? This month Sam DOESN’T Say. OK? Maybe Sam doesn’t even like fashion and is just doing this for the Archon credits. When I wake up every morning, do you think I have time to think “Oooh, this will look good with

this”? NO. No one has time for fashion.

Fashion stinks! Who gets to decide what’s fashionable, anyways? Not any of us, no.

The heads of the fashion world are just sitting in their castle monitoring all of the fashion. And then they say, “Hmmm, what extremely strange trend that actually

makes no sense should we create next?”

Thanks for nothing, fashion people. You know, when I went on a date and tried to be all fashionable and cool, I got dumped, so fashion DOES NOT WORK. Thank you all, I will not be seeing you next week because I quit.

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Sports

Early tryouts for the new team looked promising, said Coach Wolowelsky

YOF Quidditch Team Will Start Play Next Year

By Miri Zenilman Managing Editor

The Yeshivah of Flatbush has announced an addition to the Athletics Department: Quidditch.

“Colleges across America have Quidditch teams,” Athletics Director Mr. Amkraut said. “It was only a matter of time before Flatbush set the precedent for high schools.”

Mr. Amkraut said he had been pushing for the addition to the school for months, but Coach Black also claimed credit for the new Flatbush sport.

“This was all me,” she said. “Bringing gymnastics was the first step. When that was proven to be a clear success, Quidditch became the obvious next move.”

The announcemenet of the new team included the news that Dr. Wolowelsky has accepted the coaching position. He has been an avid Harry Potter fan for years, so the choice was easy.

“I’ve studied the sport since the release

of the first novel,” Coach Wolowelsky explained. “It’s my dream to lead a Quidditch team. Students trying out should know I expect the best from them.”

Asked what he’ll be looking for at tryouts, Coach Wolowelsky said, “Obviously we’ll need someone fast for the seeker position. Beyond that, I definitely favor well-rounded students. Those who regularly read op-eds will be given special consideration.”

The magical game will be also be played in gym class. Mr. Amkraut said students will be able to enjoy themselves while also learning new skills. Coach Black, however, thinks there is more to be done.

“I think we need to focus more on defying gender roles,” she said. “Next year I plan to bring ballet to the boys and curling to the girls. It builds both muscle and character.”

Team tryouts are to be held next week. Students are urged to bring their own brooms.

Season Preview: Bullfighting

By Esty Fromer Music Editor

After a disappointing 2015 campaign, Flatbush Boys’ Varsity Bullfighting is off to a strong start for 2016.

Taking the helm this year as the team’s new coach is Flatbush's own Señora Birman. With her knowledge of Mexico and her ability to shout “Olé” at impressive decibel levels, Coach Birman is perfectly positioned to lead the Bullfighting Falcons to the playoffs.

The coaching position is far from the team’s only personnel change. The only holdover from last year’s roster is senior

Dweck shows perfect form in a March 7 match

Albert Dweck, whose teachers say he has earned his nickname, “Master of Bull.”

Everyone else on the team is new this year, but scouts are expecting big contributions from junior Alan Frastai and

Sportsman Spotlight: James Buchanan

By Albert Dweck

With 22 teams in the growing Flatbush athletic department, there’s no shortage of impressive student athletes to feature in this space. Today we focus on a player who’s gotten a lot of attention on a team that is not often in the spotlight at Flatbush: lacrosse.

James Buchanan is a once in a generation player, someone who is born with the natural skills not only to excel at the game but to be the best, a gift to the world of sports. Though lacrosse is often ignored at Flatbush, Buchanan has been recognized by Division I schools across the nation and has received scholarship offers from Boston University, Duke, Florida State, and Harvard.

Buchanan’s beginnings were simple by Flatbush standards: he grew up in a little log cabin on the outskirts of Brooklyn, taking his potty breaks in an outhouse. He received his first lacrosse stick—a homemade version with

a broomstick and hairnet—at the age of two, and practiced by knocking birds out of trees from 10, 50 then 200 yards away.

He played for his first organized team at age five and was soon recognized to be a prodigy, as he learned the nuances of the game under the tutelage of Lacrosse Hall-of-Famer and Flatbush graduate Frank Pierce.

In lacrosse there is no bigger name than Pierce, the former New York Lets superstar. And Pierce can’t stop gushing about Buchanan’s talent. “I thought I was good, but then I saw the kid. He's truly amazing; it's a shame he's not recognized.” And recognized he should be, as Buchanan has now scored more than 250 goals in his Flatbush career, demolishing all previous school records.

Despite his humble beginnings, Buchanan is well on his way to a spectacular finish, with the potential to be the greatest lacrosse champion of all time. So go out and support the man who could first bring lacrosse glory to the halls of our school.

sophomore sensation Elie Feldman.

“Señora not only helps us get fit with her Zumba class and extensive knowledge of the Spanish language, she also helps us prepare for the oncoming force of the animal,” said junior Jacques Mos-

seri, another new member of the team.

With Dweck already getting a scholarship offer from Universidad de Madrid and the team featured in prime time on MSG Varsity, the new season looks promising. We’ll see you in the playoffs!

Sports Editor

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