The Phoenix 2016-2017 Issue 6: Purim Edition

A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 51, Issue 6 • Purim 2017 / 5777

Ms. Agassi Outed as Fortune Teller

By Sarah Weingarten School News Editor

Reports of papers flying mysteriously in Ms. Agassi’s classroom seemingly have confirmed long-held suspicions that Ms. Agassi has secret abilities that allow her to see into the future. While full investigation regarding Miss Agassi’s fortune-telling talents and reported side business are underway, students and teachers have been coming forward to share bizarre episodes about her role in various psychic occurrences within the school.

Rumors about Ms. Agassi’s involvement in the dark arts have been circulating for years, due mostly to her habit of dressing like a gypsy fortune-teller.

But there was never any concrete evidence of Ms. Agassi’s supernatural abilities until this year.

The administration opened an official investigation into Ms. Agassi’s psychic powers last week after Ms. Kaplowitz complained about a strange occurrence in Ms. Agassi’s classroom.

Ms. Kaplowitz said she heard a loud bang coming from down the 4th Floor hall, which worried her enough for her to interrupt one of her students’ detailed explanation of current events so she could search for the source of the noise.

Upon entering Ms. Agassi’s class-

room, Ms. Kaplowitz says she witnessed dozens of papers flying all around the classroom. “It was like a windstorm of papers, except the papers were flying in a uniform circle,” she said.

Disturbed by the unusual sight, Ms. Kaplowitz dismissed her class early to have double lunch, as she often does, and ran to inform the administration.

Mr. Galpert, misunderstanding the situation, simply dispatched maintenance workers to clean up the papers.

When they arrived, they found Ms. Agassi sitting at her desk watching The Long Island Medium on her cell phone.

When interrogated, Ms. Agassi said she simply dropped a large box of papers. However, when maintenance workers opened the closet to investigate, they found a box filled with voodoo dolls and psychic reading business cards. The principals opened an official investigation immediately.

Investigators already have discovered that, indeed, Ms. Agassi has a magic closet in her classroom. Whatever a student needs, whether it’s a stapler, waffles, or just about anything else you can imagine, Ms. Agassi can pull it out of her closet like Mary Poppins pulling a coat rack out of her handbag.

Perhaps the most bizarre story of Ms. Agassi’s abilities comes from a student in her 11th grade Honors class.

Sammy Burekhovich told The Phoenix

that back in 2015 he accidentally had seen a message from Ms. Agassi on Mr. Hofstetter’s phone. The message, posted in the famous English department WhatsApp chat, said, “IMPORTANT MESSAGE DO NOT LET ANYONE SEE.” Tempted, Burekhovich peered further. “I couldn’t control myself not to look. It was right there. I had to look,” he explained.

The next message to appear, also from Ms. Agassi, read, “The Cubs will win the World Series next year.” Burekhovich said he pretended he didn’t see it while Mr. Hofstetter quickly put his phone away in his bag. As a Mets fan, Burekhovich said he ignored the message as nonsense, only to remember it in November 2016 when the Cubs, in fact, did win the World Series—for the first time in 108 years.

“I was freaked out,” he said of his state of mind immediately afterward. “I stopped going to Pizza Time and started eating Jus salads. I figured that if $13 worth of kale didn’t make all my problems go away, nothing would.”

Afraid he would be ridiculed for believing that Ms. Agassi had strange powers, Burekhovich kept his discovery to himself until last month. When the administration opened an official investigation into the matter, asking students to come forward with infor-

mation about Ms. Agassi’s mysterious abilities, he finally shared his story.

Ms. Agassi’s coworkers are struggling to react to the news. Ms. Bloom dismissed the investigation as “rubbish,” but other members of the English department were more forthcoming.

“She told me I was having a baby girl,” Ms. Pahuskin said. “And of course she was right, as she always is.

Mr. Hofstetter admitted that he has known about Ms. Agassi’s powers for years. “I bet thousands on the Cubs winning the Series,” he said. “I made a fortune. How else do you think I can afford to buy all these socks?”

Source of Engel’s Illnesses is Wool Allergy

By Estelle Saad

ed to run some tests,” he explained. “He discovered that I have a rare disease that gives me colds and fevers when I wear wool! As you can imagine, this has caused madness, mayhem, and chaos.”

The disease is called kumbayatis, and it is not life-threatening. To remain healthy, Mr. Engel simply has to stay away from wool.

But what is Mr. Engel without his legendary sweaters? Students rejoice when winter starts, for this indicates

the start of the sweater season, and the arrival of spring is bittersweet because it marks the return to plain old button-downs.

When asked about the effect this diagnosis will have on his wardrobe, Mr. Engel responded that students have nothing to fear, because he has replaced his wool sweaters with sweaters made of a new fabric called “cotton.” This will allow him to look his best while staying

Religion:

Fashion:

Sports:

Gurock earns smicha

The Joey Sweatshirt

Putin leads dominant Ice Dancing squad

Senior Editor

It is well known that Mr. Engel often gets sick, but the surprising reason has just come to light: the wool in his signature sweaters has been triggering allergic reactions.

Mr. Engel discovered during a recent trip to the doctor that indeed, beauty hurts. “My doctor noticed me scratching from my sweater, and decid-

In This Issue World News: Mr. Saadia deported Page 3

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Meet a Flatbush Family

Alumnus Interview:

The Gingers

Jared Kushner (’99)

By Daliah Ben-Ari Junior Editor

Teachers and students alike have been shocked to find out that our Flatbush Family has expanded in great mass after learning that all red-haired students in the school are related. This realization came to light once Rabbi Lubner and Dr. Fruchter’s AP Biology class took a trip to a DNA testing center, where each student was able to extract and replicate their mitochondrial DNA sequence to examine and compare with others.

“At first I thought it was just a coincidence, you know? But then as more and more results came in, I started to notice a pattern between me and the other redheads around that was becoming too obvious to be coincidental!” said junior Laury Arazi, who attended the trip.

The gingers’ lineage can now be accurately traced back to their greatgreat-great-great-great-great-greatgreat-uncle Ronnie Marcus, more commonly known as Ronald McDonald, who was married to Wendy Thomas, heir to the Wendy’s fast food fortune.

These newfound siblings are academically dispersed everywhere in the school. “I find it very helpful now that

By Sylvia Ashkenazie

we’re all family,” said freshman Grace Khezrie, “I can get old notes and homework from my new cousins and siblings since there’s a redhead in every single grade. All I need to do is bully them into giving it to me, which is OK since we’re family now.”

Their appearance is taking over the school the same way white Adidas sneakers did: they’re everywhere. “I used to eat alone during lunch because I can never go out in the sunlight, but now I have a whole family of people who are stuck inside with me on sunny days. And I can spot them easily from across the school,” junior Gregory Pinkhasov told The Fauxnix, “We often share lunches and skin-care solutions.”

Learning about Satan’s relation to all current redheads in the new Judaic Studies curriculum was unnerving, especially to the recent relatives, but all was well and everyone was relieved after finding out this topic will not be asked on the Yerushalmi exam.

Although it’s tiring for the redheaded students to consistently hear that their hair looks like a giant Cheez-It that’s on fire, they’ve made a comeback that’s greater than all the other Syrian families could ever do: be a family that’s bigger than the community itself.

SOF Editor

Jared Kushner has come a long way from the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School class of 1999. Back in the day, Kushner was known for his hockey skills and for being a member of a popular clique called the Jets. Like many other Flatbush graduates, Kushner soon followed his father into real estate, becoming a major success in the field. But recently Kushner has transitioned to a new career in politics.

He credits the well-rounded education he received at Flatbush with making him versatile enough to succeed in both arenas. “Flatbush throws so many things at you all at once that you have to be pretty versatile in order to succeed here,” Kushner said. “Besides, if I could advise a Color War general, surely I can advise a President.”

Many people mistakenly assume that Kushner attended Kushner Academy, the yeshiva high school named after his family. But Jared felt strongly that he’d get a superior education at Flatbush.

Kushner and his wife, Ivanka, have three young children, and all three are Jewish, as their grandfather likes to

Kushner and his date at his senior prom

point out.

Kushner, who has recently moved to Washington, D.C., to further his political career, said he often tells his children stories about his days at Flatbush.

“Flatbush was truly my home away from home. I was always the last one to leave AP Physics because I didn’t want to go home, but then Mr. Kennard would laugh and call me a geek, so I left,” he said. “I would give anything to go back and sit in his class.”

Kushner said his new career has been challenging, but the lessons he learned in high school help him every day. “It’s true what they say: four years for the rest of your life,” he said. “I just wish it could be four more years.”

Student Survey

What’s your favorite animal?

?

12

Vanilla: 206 Motorcycle: 132 Twelve: 85 Other: 39 462 Responses

Left to right: Sisters Sarah, Nanda, Stella, and Sara

Engel Allergy... continued from page 1 healthy. He has been wearing the cotton sweaters for two days now, and since this change he has stopped complaining about being sick and gone back to complaining about being old and tired.

“I’m just so relieved,” Mr. Galpert said, in tears. The teachers around him nodded in agreement. “Mr. Hofstetter’s and Mr. Lazar’s sweaters were poor substitutes. Mr. Engel’s sweaters bring me so much happiness, and now we’ll get to see him in them more often.” Mr.

The Fauxnix Staff Editor-in-Chief: David Azrak Managing Editor: Jane Zakay Senior Editors: Esther Levy and Estelle Saad Religion Editor: Deborah Coopersmith School News Editors: Naomi Sanders and Sarah Weingarten World News Editor: Mimi Lazerowitz Entertainment Editor: Allan Kurland

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Galpert has even tried to follow in Mr. Engel’s footsteps, and has begun wearing sweaters of his own on occasion.

With the sick days Mr. Engel will now be able to save, he plans on taking his children to Washington D.C., where they will learn about the founding of

Music Editor: Rena Weitzman Standard of Fabulous Editors: Sylvia Ashkenazie and Aida Hasson Fun & Games Editor: Diana Hoffstein Sports Editor: Victor Allaham Junior Editors: Daliah Ben-Ari, Dorette Dayan, Mary Jajati Sophomore Editors: Sam Beyda, Ezra Faks Design: Therese Berkowitz Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter

our country and about the government.

Several of Mr. Engel’s wool sweaters will be auctioned off at a Ladies Auxiliary event in April, and all proceeds will go to the research of kumbayatis.

Someday we will find a cure.

High School Administration Rabbi Raymond Harari, Head of School Rabbi Joseph Beyda, Principal Ms. Jill W. Sanders, Associate Principal / Director of Admissions Ms. Sari Bacon, Associate Principal Ms. Ester Hidary, Assistant Principal

Mr. Kennard Joins College Guidance

By Naomi Sanders School News Editor

Everyone’s favorite Physics teacher, Mr. Ricky Kennard, is becoming the newest addition to the Flatbush College Guidance Department, he announced earlier this week.

Mr. Kennard has been very effective in encouraging students to do their best and prepare for their futures, which is why College Guidance Chair Michelle Biller-Levy (MBL) asked him to join her department. He said, “College guidance is always pushing everyone to take AP Physics, and who can better determine which students are right for the class than me?”

Mr. Kennard currently teaches at Midwood High School in the mornings and then comes to Flatbush to teach Physics C and AP Physics every afternoon. He will continue teaching at Flatbush but, to make room in his schedule for his new responsibilities, Mr. Kennard has quit his job at Midwood.

Senior Isaac Farhi, better known to Mr. Kennard as Faraway, is known to be extremely enthusiastic about everything, and this topic is no different.

“He’s my favorite teacher, and his guidance in class has made me a better student overall,” said Faraway.

Mr. Kennard constantly tells his AP students that AP Physics is a difficult subject and that he will drop unmotivated students from the course because it is harmful to their averages otherwise. However, one student who has stuck with Mr. Kennard over the years, such as Ma-Babe-Abe, AKA Abe Madeb, said, “He has taught me everything I know about physics from Fnet=ma to centripetal force and loop de loop. I wouldn’t be going into engineering without his influence and mad teaching skills.”

Mr. Kennard will say “Let’s back up” because he take the time to make sure every student gets the hang of things.

And when they are unable to figure things out, Mr. Kennard empathizes and reassures them by saying, “I’m not sure how to do this problem either, but let’s try.”

“He’s always there to say a kind word

and put our stresses into perspective,” says junior Eli Feldman. “He reminds us what we’re going to school for and that we should do it for our family and for our heritage.”

Another technique Mr. Kennard uses to push students to be their best is to be straightforward with them.

“He always says what’s on his mind, and afterwards he says, ‘Sorry for the harsh language.’ That’s how you know he cares,” said senior Jacques Mosseri, AKA Frenchman.

Junior Jason Dayan has a great appreciation for Mr. Kennard as well.

“The best advice he has ever given me,” Dayan said, “was ‘G-d, Jason, common sense!’ It’s worked for me ever since.

Common sense is so useful.”

The College Guidance team is very excited to be working with Mr. Kennard. Aside from his vast schooling, which he did in Guyana, MBL appreciates that she and Mr. Kennard have a special bond. “He and I are both always cold. I’m glad I’ll have a friend in the office who understands my struggle, and will team up with me to tell Rabbi Rosenblum to cut the AC,” she said.

Ms. Natov also said that she is excited to be working with Mr. Kennard.

“I’ve always seen students write on their resumes that they’re in the Ricky Kennard Fan Club, and now I get to see what all the fuss is about.”

Mr. Kennard has already been preparing students in his class with a college-ready mentality and teaching them what “real men do at real colleges.” He also encourages students to take all their classes seriously because he knows how competitive the college process is.

He tells his students, “This is your kingdom—own it.”

Students and faculty alike are excited to see Mr. Kennard in the College Guidance office, crying out to Gandhi for help.

Mr. Saadia poses in front of his new home

Mr. Saadia Deported

By Ezra Faks

Sophomore Editor

President Donald Trump’s crackdown on Syrian refugees has had some unfortunate consequences, as Global Studies teacher Mr. Eily Saadia has been deported back to his homeland as part of the “extreme vetting” process enacted by the Trump Administration.

Although Ms. Kaplowitz has been the most vocal member of the History Department in criticizing these policies, it is Mr. Saadia who has suffered their consequences.

Homeland Security’s new, tougher vetting process makes it almost impossible for Syrians to enter the United States, and Immigrations Customs Enforcement (ICE) is increasing efforts to find and deport illegal immigrants.

This proved to be a devastating combination for one beloved history teacher.

Though the President claimed that the move was made in the name of “national security,” Trump’s critics have have suggested another reason. An anonymous source within the White House told The Fauxnix that the president is simply intimidated by how big Mr. Saadia’s muscles have become after his long hours in the gym and enacted an executive order to deport him.

While we always knew that Mr. Saadia emigrated from Syria due to his Syrian accent and “chicken” handwriting, we had always identified him as one of our own. “I already miss the way he pronounces the word ‘hominid,’”

said one heartbroken freshman.

This disheartening loss is being felt far beyond the Flatbush family. Mr. Saadia’s deportation has already begun to affect U.S. tax revenue, as Mr. Saadia is the world’s richest man. The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost their their #1 fan as well. When asked for comment about the deportation, Cavs forward LeBron James said, “I don’t know who that is. Stop bothering me.”

Despite widespread sadness at Mr. Saadia’s forced departure, there are some positives to the situation. Sophomore Julie Saadia, for one, could barely contain her glee. “Finally, people at this school will stop asking me if he’s my father. He’s not my father!”

Additionally, the freshmen are already covering the course material more quickly, because their substitute teacher spends more time actually teaching and less time saying “ehhh” as he tries to think of a word.

In an interview we probably weren’t allowed to have, Mr. Saadia told The Fauxnix that, although he will miss his students, Gatorade, and good-tasting water, he is tyring to look on the bright side of the situation. He said, “My wife can finally make my lachmeba’ajein with the, ehhh, proper birghol and camun, which is, ehhh, something I’ve been missing.”

Mr. Saadia said he is also excited to move into his new apartment, which is centrally located right in the heart of downtown Homs.

Faculty Freshman: Mr. Feeny

By Dorette Dayan Junior Editor

If you’re wondering whether your lower school teacher has stalked you all the way to high school, then you are correct in assuming that Mr. George Hamilton Feeny has recently joined the faculty at YOF Joel Braverman High School.

Mr. Feeny is Flatbush’s newest History teacher—or maybe he’s an English teacher. It’s never really been specified but it’s got to be one of those, right? He teaches freshmen now, but the plan is that each year he will teach the next grade Mr. Feeny with his favorite student, Ness Bawabeh up, so that he will always have exactly the same

students.

Mr. Feeny first began his teaching career teaching a local 6th grade class in Philadelphia, where one student in particular inspired Mr. Feeny to further his career by teaching at John Adams High School. Eventually he was able to gain the position as principal, where he filled the lives of his students with Nerf guns and life lessons that don’t apply to them.

Freshman Cory Matthews, who somehow has been in Mr. Feeny’s class for several years already, said he is a big fan of Mr. Feeny’s. Matthews’s one complaint, however, is about an incident when

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Dvar Torah: Tu b’Shevat Tu b’Shevat is the New Year for trees, and as society has become more aware of environmental crises and deforestation it has become a day to raise Jewish

However, these two possible complications were not all; there were 13 other things that had to be just right for the universe to exist, such as gravitation, electromagnetism, nuclear strong force, and nuclear weak force.

For example, if electromagnetism was too strong then the stars would be too cold and never form a super nova and if it were too weak, then stars would be short lived. The essence is that the world had to be fine tuned for there to be life, planets and a universe.

awareness about environmentalism.

The day teaches us the importance of taking the time to appreciate the nature that surrounds us. As former Flatbush Jewish Philosophy teacher Rabbi Haber often says, “It is so improbable that it’s near impossible that the world was created without the hand of God.” In Parashat Vaera, Hashem is called Shadai, He who said to his world enough because if the world continued to grow and expand there would be no life or even planets. Modern cosmology discusses the flatness problem: if the subatomic particles were moving too fast they would not have formed into atoms and later stars, and if they were moving too slowly then gravity would have stopped the acceleration and brought them back together into a mush. If the rate of the expansion was 10 percent faster or 10 percent slower ,we wouldn’t have a universe. The odds were 1 over 10 to the 54th power that we would have a universe with stars.

Another potential issue was the smoothness problem. If, in the initial of the big bang, the particles were too rough, they would have come out clumped together and thus they would have turned into massive universal black holes. However, if they were too smooth then gravity wouldn’t have acted on them and there would have just been subatomic particles floating around the universe for all eternity.

Robert Penrose, a leading mathematician, estimated the margin for error here is 1 over 10 to the 10,123 power.

To put that number into comprehensible terms, it would be all the leaves on all the trees in North America multiplied by 300.

Hashem made a conditional contract with Benei Yisrael that in exchange for following his commandments, they would have fertile soil and peace.

Many of the mitzvot emphasize proper stewardship of the land and thanking Hashem for the produce. Tu b’Shevat is essentially a reminder to improve our interactions with one of Hashem’s greatest creations, the world.

In Pirkei Avot, the Torah is called the “tree of life” to symbolize that trees represent the highest Jewish values. Trees also are used to discuss sustainability.

A Midrash says Hashem first showed Adam HaRishon the trees in Gan Eden to express how imperative it is not to destroy the trees, as they are necessary for human life. Jews should plant trees first when they arrive in Eretz Yisrael.

Trees represent the long-term necessities of the land and people. Each day, 24.7 million trees are cut down and it is detrimental to our future. Replanting trees or cutting them down in a sustainable manner will decrease the buildup of carbon dioxide and other harmful gases, restoring the previous abundance of biodiversity and release oxygen into the air. One large tree can provide oxygen to four people, and forests are the home to 70 percent of the world’s documented species.

As Jews and people we must become more aware of our interdependence with nature, as our survival depends on it. By becoming more cognizant of our relationship with the natural world we can better prepare for a sustainable future and a closer relationship with Hashem.

Happy Tu b’Shevat!

By Deborah Coopersmith Religion Editor

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Rabbi Gurock Earns Smicha

By Deborah Coopersmith Religion Editor

Coach Michael Gurock inspired so many students and teachers with the Torah Takeaway he wrote for this past winter break that many of them urged him to earn smicha to officially become a rabbi and teach Torah more formally.

His d’var Torah, which mentioned finals, basketball (of course) and Torah (of course), discussed the importance of remembering one’s moral and communal values despite the exodus to somewhere other than Flatbush.

Coach Gurock was so moved by the warm reception to his teachings that he spent the rest of winter break studying at the PE Theological Seminary (PETS) in downtown Zurich, Switzerland. Just as he discussed switching mindsets from the individual to the “the collective nation” in his d’var Torah, he transformed into a rabbi for the masses.

Many students have noticed that recently there have been long lines to learn from Rabbi Gurock how to throw a football like spinning a dreidel. Senior Allan Kurland now make sure to go to gym every day for that extra Judaic insight while learning about sports. “Sports and Torah are my two favorite things on Earth,” Kurland said, adding that he might follow in Rabbi Gurock’s path and become a rabbi and gym teacher himself someday. Kurland is most excited for the possibility that this career might bring him back to Flatbush, where he hopes to spend his entire adult life.

Getting ordained before winter break ended was a difficult proposition even for someone who attended Ramaz. To accelerate his studies, Gurock learned at PETS each day from 12:00 AM to 11:59 PM in order to complete his training within 10 days. Rabbi Gu-

rock was grateful for the one-minute break in order to eat, call his wife, and get some sleep before he began another day of intense learning. He says that his favorite rabbi at the seminary was Rabbi Gelber, a renowned talmid chacham who is well versed in Navi, Mishna, giving cuts, and rooting for the team with the worst losing streak in baseball history.

“I believe that I am destined for greater things in our community and that my past life will be in the rearview mirror in the greater scheme of things,” Rabbi Gurock said in an interview for the Amkraut Times.

He had a midlife halftime similar to one at a basketball game and plans to improve on the second half by doubling the amount of hours he practices with the basketball team. Senior Kevin Haddad recited the entire Torah on one foot during our interview, illustrating what is now occurring on the court. Rabbi Gurock has now been using the basketball as a way to teach Torah and Gemara. He is reusing his notes from both Ramaz and SAR, which have both declared him the 2017 Alumnus of the Year.

Thanks to Rabbi Gurock’s popular YouTube videos in which he uses a basketball to explain parashot and midrashim, the entire JV Boys team has now begun wearing fur shtreimels when they play.

“It gets a little sweaty under all that fur, but it’s worth it if it helps us earn Rabbi Gurock’s approval,” said sophomore Jack Rosow.

Rabbi Gurock has stirred millions to become closer to the faith of basketball and/or Judaism because they are the only great sports on this planet. He hopes to someday be enshrined in the Torah Hall of Fame, but the Flatbush administration is just hoping he’ll contribute more Torah Takeaways over summer vacation.

Rabbi Gurock reads the Megilla

Entertainment TV Review:

The Rise and Rise of Donald Trump: Hard to be a God

By Allan Kurland Entertainment Editor

The Rise and Rise of Donald Trump, an absurdist comedy chronicling the fictional election of a celebrity buffoon to the office of the President of the United States of America, demands an imaginatively open viewership and stomach for disgust but rewards its audience completely. The show rests in a state almost exclusively forgotten in today’s era of broadcasting, a vacuum in which the viewer flees to a world so completely esoteric and unimaginable that it creates an escape from reality.

Clearly this story could never happen in real life but the show doesn’t strive for practical realism. It itches for irrational, harebrained, albeit meaningless but hey-at-least-it’s-entertaining comedy wrapped around an insightful analysis of personality, a character study not unlike Taxi Driver, only Trump plays Sport and Ivanka plays Iris.

Beyond the commendably hilarious absurdity lies Donald Trump, the program’s title character, a complex, twisted, contradictory personality hidden unknowingly under an idiot façade, a classically dynamic character handled with care by undoubtedly one of the greatest actors of our generation. Surely the character of Donald Trump will be studied by actors of theater and film for decades to come (whether legally obligated or otherwise).

The height of the first season comes in an unbelievably grand battle scene, unparalleled in either film or television.

The Battle Against Reality is executed brilliantly: the camera follows Trump through one exquisite long-shot as he cuts down oncoming facts with his bloodied, alternative longsword (made

in China). Neither Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings can compete with The Rise and Rise’s ruthless portrayal of war. This scene itself, as well as the scene in which Trump returns America to greatness using plans that are so complex only he can understand them, have placed the program at the very forefront of the press’s attention, which is fake attention.

Although reviews have been mixed, negative reviews of TRRDT have outnumbered the positive by approximately 2.8 million, though Trump’s producers claim to have proof that those reviews are fraudulent. Ratings for the show are about as high as the murder rate in the United States, which Director Steve Bannon says will prove to decrease in Season Two. The sky will

be bluer, the grass will be greener, and paper will be white enough to appoint to a cabinet position. “Season Two,” Bannon says, “will be the final solution to the struggle of the first season.” One can only hold in the excitement for so long until one has to draw a breath.

Due to legal restrictions forbidding political prisoners from being filmed, the part of Melania has been cut from the show but can be seen on the DVD set, which is distributed daily in the Kremlin, and includes behind-thescenes featurettes explaining such mysteries as how the crew made a niche under every Trump podium in which Rudy Giuliani can fit comfortably, a great little gift for the devoted viewer.

In the box set, the producers decided to leave out the constant fact-checking

after every sentence uttered by Trump, which relieves the show of the unnecessary and annoying weight of truth.

The Rise and Rise of Donald Trump has been crafted in hopes of creating not only a wonderfully organic work of art, but a functional historical documentation of the period for when our children open up their textbooks to the first and only page about the Trump presidency. That page will read, “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”

The Rise and Rise of Donald Trump is a perfect exhibition of incomprehensible creativity. The creators have fabricated a world so beyond imagination, something that could so clearly never exist, that one must be in awe of the show’s utter ingenuity. Orwell couldn’t have come up with this stuff if he tried.

Newspaper Review: The Phoenix’s Purim Issue

By Esther Levy Senior Editor

This week, The Phoenix released its Purim Edition, The Fauxnix, filled with jokes, sarcasm, and enough fake news to give CNN a run for its money. While in previous years The Phoenix’s Purim edition The Fauxnix (known as The Feeniks in 2015) was been a resounding hit among both faculty and students who ate up articles about such phony topics as Di Fara’s going kosher, The Phoenix shutting down, or Rabbi Prag causing a worldwide wafer shortage, the most recent issue has left fans divided.

This year’s issue features articles on falsehoods including Vladimir Putin’s ice-dancing skills, Mr. Engel discovering he has allergies, and even a dry and

tacky article reviewing the very issue itself.

Public opinion is thoroughly divided on the Purim issue’s success.

Some readers, like Yair Chaya, were ecstatic over the inclusion of a Vladimir Putin article alone. “When I saw the article, I was thrilled,” Chaya commented with a big grin before showing off his Vladimir Putin phone case and uttering either compliments or racial slurs in Russian (a translator was not present).

Chaya’s fellow AV member, Josef “Ivan Drago” Kusayev, mirrored his excitement, remarking that even though “The Phoenix is assur” he couldn’t help but read this issue. Others considerably disagreed.

Known Phoenix hater and Varsity

Poker team coach Rabbi Prag complained that, “The Phoenix is the biggest waste of paper since the Hebrew Department. Why do they use so much colored paper anyways?” arguing that the school’s administration should shut down the newspaper immediately.

Junior Brenda Tawil was the most adamant among haters. Tawil, who avoids the spotlight at all costs, is still seething over being quoted in a madeup article in last year’s Purim issue. She says she was humiliated and “there’s nothing I hate more than being falsely quoted in fake articles.”

Loud shouting

was heard coming from the Teachers Room as several Judaic Studies teachers argued over the merits of the newspaper. Unfortunately, none of the students who overheard the argument speak Hebrew so nobody was able to translate his comments. They might have been talking about something else entirely.

While sporting a “#NotMyPresident” pin, senior Max Shemtob lamented that The Fauxnix is “the worst thing that has happened since the election,” before starting to tear up.

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Fun & Games

Ask Merlin

By Merlin

solves all of your problems. Hard work is the real key to success.

Bippity Boppity Boo, Merlin

Legendary Wizard

Merlin, What happened to Merle?

Concerned Fan Concerned, I was resurrected for the purpose of answering your questions and you will be grateful. Now stop asking about Merle and focus on me. I, the great Merlin, am far more interesting than a teenage girl.

Warm Regards, Merlin Merlin, I heard you’re a wizard. Does that mean you can grant wishes and stuff?

Because boy, do I have a wish for you.

It involves my SAT score. Do you think maybe you could work your magic and help me get above a 1350?

Wishing for Success Wishing for success, I am a wizard, not a genie. I don’t just “grant wishes.” Go rub a lamp somewhere in Agrabah. However, even as a wizard, I don’t believe that magic

Feeny... continued from page 3 Mr. Feeny publicly ridiculed him for not understanding the importance of love as expressed in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Matthews stated, “I WAS ELEVEN!” Other Flatbush students have quickly warmed up to Mr. Feeny, and can often be heard in the halls and outside Mr. Feeny’s house chanting his name to get his attention. This “Feeny call” often gets extended and overdramatized, making it sound like “Fe-he-he-nay.”

In conjunction with his teaching career, Feeny began a “Stay in School” initiative in New York City, advocating for students to at least gain their high school diplomas. “I believe it is im-

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Hey Merlin!

How do I get a letter to Hogwarts?

I’m a wizard but I haven’t received mine yet and I’m turning 16 next month. You gotta let me in on your secret. Where did you get your education in magic?

Not A Muggle Not A Muggle, I would not like to offend you but if you are 16 and still haven’t received your Hogwarts letter, you may very well be a muggle. There are many perks to being a muggle; not all can handle the great responsibility that comes with having magic at your fingertips. I did not earn my magic degree in Hogwarts or any other magical school. My magic is as innate as can be. I didn’t need an elder to teach me my craft, for I was given this gift from G-d himself. Being a muggle is nothing to be ashamed of.

(I wouldn’t know, but that seems like the right thing to say…)

Warm Regards, Merlin

Merlin, portant for students to understand that without a high school education, you can never go on to become the next Stuart Minus or Topanga Matthews,” Mr. Feeny explained.

Mr. Feeny was discovered by the Flatbush administration from “Stay in School” posters placed at the Avenue J train station. Within a few days, they had offered him a full-time teaching job in the … we really wish we knew which department.

“We are very lucky to have a teacher like Mr. Feeny, with such a vast knowledge of an endless number of topics, especially life, “Rabbi Beyda said. He added, “His experience working with biblical and Talmudic texts is simply

Can you please share your famous recipe for Chicken Marsala?

Magically HungryMagically Hungry, I wasn’t aware there were such things as “recipes”. I do all of my cooking by wand. In order to answer your question I asked the stars for help. The stars have shown me a new type of magic called “Google,” though I’m not quite sure how it works. This is a kind of sorcery even I have never encountered.

Use it carefully, for it is very powerful.

But since you asked, the key to chicken marsala is a light coating of flour that’s thick enough to accelerate browning but not so thick as to be overpowering.

Magically yours, Merlin Merlin, You were a great football player, but I liked you even better as an actor. You were incredible in Little House on the Prairie! With a name like Merlin Olsen, I bet you’re pretty tired of hearing jokes about having the same name as the famous wizard. Does it get annoying, or is it still funny?

Your Biggest Fan To My Biggest Fan, I think you may have gotten the wrong Merlin. I did a bit of quick research and learned much about this other Merlin. I think he might understand how I sometimes feel. He was both a football player and an actor; I am both a prophet and a wizard. We both have a rather substantial set of talents. He is lucky enough to share a name with me and that is no laughing matter. To have the title of Merlin is a responsibility and a astounding.”

The 97-year-old Mr. Feeny said that his biggest challenge at Flatbush has been adjusting to the use of iPads and SmartBoards in the classroom. “I don’t understand why we simply cannot use physical text to read books and now need to use something called ‘I Books.’

This is not even correct grammar!” exclaimed Feeny.

Despite this obstacle, we know that Feeny will be a valuable addition to our school. He says that if he could impart only one lesson to his students, it would be this: “Believe in yourself. Dream.

Try. Do good.”

privilege.

Sorry to disappoint, The Better Merlin Dear Merlin, I am very upset that I wasn’t able to pull the sword out of the stone, and I’m feeling inadequate because of it. Can you please explain why I wasn’t chosen?

Rejected Rejected, Did you even read the engravings on the stone? It clearly said: “Whoso pulleth out this sword from this stone, is right wise King born of all England.”

Not all can be the king of England; only those with the blood of the monarchy can be chosen. It doesn’t make you inadequate, it just means that you didn’t have the blood of a king running through your veins. If anyone could be king, what kind of government would we have? Did you see King Arthur? I would like to say that I am the reason for his success, but … actually, I completely am. Without me all of you mortals are inadequate. Am I doing this wrong?

Warm Regards, Merlin

Standard of Fabulous School Dress Code Receives a South African Face Lift

By Sylvia Ashkenazie SOF Editor

The school dress code has always been the subject of debate in our school, and incoming assistant principal Rabbi Craig Justin Lubner has his own two cents to add to the conversation.

Over his eight years teaching at Flatbush, Rabbi Lubner has noticed that students seemed to feel blue while adhering to the current dress regulations. He says, “I walk into my class and all I see are my students staring in despair at their clothing. Something needs to be done to fix this problem. The students should be looking like that because they don’t want to sit in class, not because of what they are wearing.”

In his new position of Rabbi Lubner models the new power, Rabbi Lubner has monogrammed uniform decided to implement some well-needed changes. Beginning in September 2017, every student must be wearing an article of clothing monogramed with the letters CJL. Unlike the elementary school, this logo MUST be bigger than a quarter. Anything smaller than a quarter will result in immediate detention. For girls, “CJL” will be monogrammed in big bold letters down the right side of their centrals, in either white, gray, blue, maroon or yellow. For boys, “CJL” will be monogrammed on the cuff of the right sleeve, in either black, white, gray, blue, maroon or yellow.

Rabbi Lubner said this idea was years in the making. Ever since he was a little boy, he has dreamed of being assistant principal of a Jewish school. The idea of being second in command, of having the power to do as he pleases, is what drove Rabbi Lubner to pursue a career in education.

He’s also always been careful about how he dresses. The way a person presents themselves, both with their attitude and clothing, plays a major role in how a situation will play out. This is one of the reasons why Rabbi Lubner is pushing so hard for this new change in the dress code.

The other is a purely selfish reason. “I’ve always wanted to see an entire student body monogrammed with my initials. There’s just something so incredible about seeing hundreds of students respecting your name,” he said.

Trending: The Joey

By Sylvia Ashkenazie SOF Editor

Most people agree that the worst part of owning a pet is that everyone you know is constantly asking to see pictures of your pet and hear funny stories about that cute thing your pet did last week. Most pet owners just want a break from talking about their pet so they can hear other people’s stories.

Well, the fashion world has finally solved this universal problem. Instead of talking about your pet all the time, just bring your pet along in your pocket! It’s no wonder that the hottest fashion trend around the world is the Joey.

The Joey is a unisex hoodie whose front pocket is enlarged and made to hold cats, dogs and other small animals. This sweatshirt is perfect for people who have pet-obsessed friends.

Now you can bring your pet with you anywhere and everywhere so your friends can stare while you go about your daily routine. The pocket is the perfect size to hold your pet while on the subway, train or any other traveling vehicle. Its pocket can also fit cellphones, iPads, or even a bunch of water bottles!

The Joey received its name from its uncanny resemblance to a mother kangaroo’s pocket for its baby kangaroo, or joey.

Fashion blogger Suzie Creamcheese calls this new trend “the hottest and coolest invention of all time. It’s the perfect mix between casual and black-tie formal.”

According to famous fashion blogger Man Repeller, the Joey is going to be the biggest thing since the invention of the car. The Joey allows people to look their very best while showing off their pets and getting work done.

The Joey comes in all colors and sizes for both young children and adults. Pocket sizes can be custom made to fit the size of your pet. The hoodie also comes with a complementary lint roller for all the animal hair that will inevitably stick to all your clothes and ruin them so you may never be able to wear them again. Well that’s mighty generous of them isn’t it? Order the Joey now to your very own!

Samantha Says

By Samantha Anonymous Student

Fashion Fact of the Month: The first turtlenecks were made out of actual turtles.

Hello, people of Flatbush, I’m Samantha. Well, that’s what I’m calling myself, at least.

I’m “Sam Says’s” little sister and I took his computer and put this in the newspaper while he wasn’t home instead of what he wrote. (His was so boring.) I think it’s time that girls finally have some say in fashion. Every month all of the fashion writers are boys, all of the people who read it are boys, and I think that girls should have equal importance when it comes to fashion. I am here to say that girls deserve the chance to try out fashion, too, sometimes.

And by the way, I don’t know why you people actually listen to my brother’s fashion tips.

His style is so weird. Instead, listen to mine. Girls, take back fashion by wearing oversized sweatshirts in bland colors this month. We got this, girls! You’ll see me in the high school in a few years, so when I come, you can try to find out who I am. I’ll be wearing my famous dirty sneakers. See you in a few years!

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Sports Flatbush Lacrosse Wins It All

By Victor Allaham Sports Editor

Putin fires up the crowd at last week’s school pep rally

Sportsman Spotlight: Vladimir Putin

By Mary Jajati Junior Editor

Flatbush’s brand new ice dancing team is doing very well this season, thanks to its charismatic captain, Vladimir Putin.

A sophomore known for his bubbly personality and charitable nature, Putin has helped the team reach the championships in its first year. The Dancing Falcons will take on the Yeshiva of Atlanta next week with everything on the line. Putin is confident, and exclaimed, “We will not give up until we claim what’s rightfully ours; we will defeat Georgia once and for all.”

Thanks to Putin’s leadership and on-ice performance, the Falcons have lost only once all season. In an unrelated story, the referee of that match has since disappeared, along with a Phoenix reporter who criticized Putin’s form on the ice.

Putin, a recent transfer student, said he switched to Flatbush because “the ice-cold classrooms remind me

Season Preview: Varsity Poker

By Sam Beyda Sophomore Editor

After a humiliating defeat in the quarterfinals of last year’s Charlie Sheen Memorial Tournament, the Falcons Varsity Poker team is looking to come back strong in the upcoming competition this April.

In 23 years of competition, Flatbush has never won the tournament, which is hosted annually by Yeshivah of Atlantic City. Yet this year there is more

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of home. I especially like Room 205.”

He is a very dedicated student athlete, and can be found practicing at school during all hours of the day, regardless of how many cuts he receives. Putin declared, “Nothing will stop me from defeating my opponents.”

Most Flatbush teams elect their captains but Putin is self-appointed.

He said, “Obviously, I am the right person for this job. Everybody knows I’m superior to the other players, and I’m the only qualified candidate, so I just did the honors and appointed myself.”

Teammate Albert Arazi says he likes Putin’s style. “I’m a little more graceful and artistic than he is, but he has raw power that I envy. I’ve learned so much from him already.”

Putin has dreams of someday becoming a professional ice dancer, as he is very committed to the sport. “Someday I’d like people all over the world to know who I am,” he said. “But most of all I just want to bring people joy through my dancing.” buzz than usual surrounding the group because of a crop of freshman talent.

Joining the strong core of veteran seniors comprised of captain Alan Maleh, Albert Arazi, Allan Kurland, Aaron Kubie, and Hymie Bildirici will be promising freshmen Shawn Edery, Jacob Antebi, and Nathan Cohen.

Poker Coach Rabbi Prag had high praise for the group, saying, “In all my years as a rabbi, teacher, wafer supplier, and international poker champion, I have never seen such a talented group of young gamblers.”

Even though they are young, the incoming rookies aren’t inexperienced, as poker has been a growing activity in Flatbush Elementary ever since more practical pursuits such as football and “suicide,” a trademark of recess in Jewish day schools, have been outlawed.

March 3 marked the end to another successful season of lacrosse for captain Yoel Goldberg and the Flatbush Falcons.

For the second consecutive year, Goldberg led the team to a championship, while also leading the league in goals scored and assists.

Goldberg was ecstatic after the victory: “It’s a dream come true, you know.

The ride has been very fun and I never thought I’d be playing varsity lacrosse on such a high level.” Goldberg will be attending Syracuse University next year on a full scholarship he hopes to continue his Flatbush legacy and to help the Orange win a championship of their own.

When asked about how he feels on playing for John Desko and his Orange-men, Goldberg clearly had LeBron in mind: “I’m excited to take my talents to South Beach, excuse me, I meant Upstate New York. I’m gonna take my talents to Upstate New York and help them with whatever I can.”

Flatbush defeated Heschel to capture the seventh lacrosse championship in school history. Co-captain David Schmool was awarded the MVP of the championship game after delivering the winning goal with only nine seconds left in the game. In addition, he had six total goals to go with three assists.

Schmool’s game totally broke out this year after first-hand coaching from assistant coach Jack “Bangus” Bawabeh. Last year, Bawabeh was a key player on the

team and almost broke the record for the most single-season assists in league history. However, his grades kept him off the team this year so he decided to help out as assistant coach.

“Yeah, it was tough, but if there’s any way I can help the team win games, I’m all for it,” he said. “Obviously I would’ve loved to tear it up in my senior year but, you know, life goes on.”

In a post-game interview, Schmool, in tears, told the media, “We played our hearts out today. We gave our blood, sweat, and tears for this game and the man above gave us the final push. Flatbush, this is for you!”

Other seniors on the team include Jack Sedaka, Abie Rosow, Tomer Harari, and Isaac Levi. Sedaka spoke on behalf of the team in the award ceremony, saying how much of a pleasure being a part of this team has been: “My teammates and I are sure going to miss putting that maroon and yellow jersey on day in and day out. In all honesty, this has been the greatest experience of my life. We couldn’t be happier to bring home another championship.”

The Flatbush lacrosse team will be honored next month at Flatbush’s annual sports dinner, where they’ll each be given a trophy and a varsity jacket in recognition of their hard work and success as a Falcons.

While the seniors look back on a magical season, younger players like sophomore standout Sonny Setton hope to keep the momentum going. “I smell a threepeat,” he boasted.

A tense moment at the 2016 Sheen Tournament

The Sheen Tournament begins with one representative from each of six randomly selected schools together at each table. The top two players left standing at each tables move on to the next round, keeping the money they won at the previous table. This is a highly controversial rule, as a player who barely survived the first round doesn’t get a fresh start in the next game, as in many other sports. To combat this, Coach Prag has instituted the now-famous Prag Approach: going “all in” with a strong hand toward the end of a game

and then playing conservatively so as to retain enough money to compete in the next round.

In addition to young talent and new strategies, the club is also bringing back Norman Esses, more commonly known as Normdog, as an assistant coach. Esses will travel with the team to Atlantic City. Even with Esses the odds of a Flatbush victory are long, but the group is hopeful. After all, poker is a game of chance.