The Fauxnix A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 56, Issue 5 • Purim 2022 / 5782
Perpetually broken elevator finally getting replaced
By Jeanette Cohen Junior Editor
Fed up with countless elevator breakdowns over the past several months, operations manager Grace Minyan announced this week that Flatbush will be replacing the constantly broken elevator with a brand new high-tech system that is guaranteed to work every day. Flatbush students have been blessed with all sorts of technology, including Chromebooks (which every student uses as their primary computer), Smartboards in every classroom, and most importantly, elevators. Student use of the elevators is strictly prohibited, of course; nevertheless, the elevators are still there, though their purpose remains unclear. This will be the first time this technology is being put to use in a school, after years of laboratory tests that monitored mice as they experimented with this new technology. You’ve heard of STEM. Well, this
state of the art technology is called STEP, which stands for Streamlined Transportation Efficiency Product. It’s very complicated to explain in layman’s terms, but I am confident that our readers can achieve — at the very least — a basic understanding of its complex workings. Pay attention. Instead of a primitive, vertical tunnel where passengers ride in a box that basically hangs by a single cable, clumsily thumping up and down our building, this new generation elevator involves an array of rectangular platforms. Each of these platforms is elevated five inches above the last. After every 15 or so platforms, there is a large plateau surface which leads to — wait for it — yet another set of 15 new platforms continuing upward. Unlike the current, outdated elevator technology, which breaks down when it carries more than a few passengers, there is practically no limit to how many students can use the STEP system at once. Some even say over 100 is possible.
Coding students travel abroad to immerse themselves in language
“I don’t know why the school felt the need to improve anything — everything here is perfect already,” said senior Marc Lessler. It should be noted that Flatbush values nothing above students safety; therefore, STEP includes a gray railing that we don’t anticipate will spread germs at all. And rest assured that your tuition dollars will cover the cost of STEP technology to extend from the sub-basement all the way to the rooftop tennis courts with doors on every floor to allow for entry and departure. The best part of this new initiative is that it will be available to all students — even the meditation team — not just the injured and infirm. If students had their way, this new STEP system would be only for students, especially because many teachers don’t like change and struggle to adapt to new technology. As a way of deterring teachers from using STEP, the width will be 1.5 times narrower than engineers have
Editor-in-Chief
By Jacqueline Halabi Sophomore Editor
Coding students went on trips to two different countries last week to better learn the languages they are studying in class.
In This Issue People: Page 2 D’var Torah: Page 4 Sports: Page 8
Students in Mr. Robertson’s freshman coding class recently took a field trip to Python, China in order to reinforce their learning by speaking Python full time. “The rich and powerful culture was incredible,” said freshman Ariel Eizenberg.
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Entertainment: The Flatbush Oscars Page 5
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Flatbush lowers room temperatures to prepare students for Antarctica By Nicole Muravsky
Mr. Robertson’s students show off their mastery of Python
Blueprints for the new STEP system show how the advanced technology works
The Flatbush administration has secretly been lowering temperatures in some classrooms to prepare students for a move to Antarctica. During COVID, Flatbush students complained about not having snow days with the advent of Zoom. The administration listened to the students’ concerns and decided that it would be best to relocate the school to a place where students can always enjoy the snow; because of global warming, New York is no longer suitable. Rabbi Jeffrey Rothman has been leading the construction of the new Flatbush campus in Antarctica; that’s why he can
Fun and Games: Merle’s alter egos Page 6
never be found in the Avenue J building. The relocation plan is top secret and has been revealed only to The Fauxnix staff. To acclimate students to the conditions of Antarctica, the thermostats within all odd-numbered classrooms have been dialed down to -52°F. A handful of other classrooms have also been kept colder—specifically, rooms 206, 403, 212, A-01, and A-02. “Last year, I always kept an extra sweater in my locker to wear when going to these freezing classes,” senior Vivian Hamui commented. Some students are benefitting from the chill. “There wasn’t any room in my freezer at home, so I just leave my mazza in Ginz’s room,” senior Yvette Dayon
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Fashion: Enjoy the comfort of full body pants Page 7 phoenix@flatbush.org | 1
Faculty Freshman:
Kanye West
By Maurice Silvera Junior Editor
Mr. Kanye West, our newest addition to the English Department, has been a light in the Flatbush community, imparting the importance of creativity to students and fostering a love of learning. If getting through English Department chair Ms. Bloom’s vetting process is any indication, Mr. West’s credentials are above par, to say the least. He has been the heart of the music industry since the early 2000s, but in his own words, “I felt like it was time for a change, you know? Music just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. And I was being paid nothing. Figured maybe I would make more as a teacher.” Because West has a master’s degree in English Literature and a bachelor’s in Education, Ms. Bloom felt he would be the perfect replacement to take
on all her old classes, most notably AP Lit and AP Lang. Surprisingly, what drew West to Flatbush specifically was the Judaic studies departments. Mr. West is a pious man, even naming one of his most recents songs “Praise G-d.” He told The Fauxnix, “I dreamed about teaching Talmud too, but I didn’t get the job. You know how it is.” Fortunately for him, though, Flatbush was looking for a faculty member to lead the Torah Bowl team to victory, and Mr. West gladly took the job. “We meet on Mondays and Wednesdays during first lunch in the first floor library conference room,” he said. “Come try out—we’re always looking for new members!” Currently, Mr. West’s AP Lit students are composing poems in iambic pentameter. Once they finish writing their poems, they’re going to have to turn them into rap songs. This project is part of the Hamlet unit, his favorite play to teach. “It’s mad cool, knowumsayin?” he remarked, expressing his deep understanding of the play and its many themes. Mr. West’s AP Lang students are in the midst of learning about different rhetorical devices. This week they’re focusing on biblical allusions and looking through all of Mr. West’s music to see how this device can be utilized. His teaching ability is only one of the many things the staff loves about him. “He’s an incredible man with outstanding morals,” Rabbi Prag said of his daily lunchtime companion. They can most often be found enjoying tuna sandwiches in the lunchroom together. Not only is Mr. West well learned in the humanities, but he is also “a true mathematician” in the words of Dr. Wolowelsky. They fre-
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OPINION
Let’s read some real books By Sabrina Zami World News Editor
Despite all the books that we read in class, we are missing out on appreciating the real classics. The books we read in class are overused, overread, and overrated, and are far below our reading level. Dorian Gray? Julius Caesar? The Great Gatsby? Of Mice and Men? Basic. And too easy for high school students who come to school looking to be challenged. Instead, we should be reading true American classics — lengthy book series with true quality literature like Junee B. Jones, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Cat in the Hat, and more. For example, the Junee B. Jones and Diary of a Wimpy Kid book series are complex, important bildungsromans— tales of growing up, acclimating to changes, and learning new things, which are topics extremely pertinent to high
schoolers. They are so much more relatable than any so-called “classics.” I mean, why are we even reading William Shakespeare’s works? We should read books by authors who are actually well-known and not written by someone who died, like, a bazillion years ago. Also, Billy Boy talks about a bunch of random issues that no one can relate to. Families who don’t approve of who you love? Doesn’t happen anymore! Double double toil and trouble? Who cares or even knows what that means! The themes in his works are not at all relevant to the twenty-first century. If you want to read those waste-of-timers, read them on your own time. The English department should veer toward reading more picture books with easier language. Honestly, I’m not convinced that I even know how to read. I think I just memorized a bunch of words. Picture books would inspire me to want to see the eye-catching images and try to read whatever else is on the page.
From writing papers to selling paper Alumni Interview: Michael Scott (HS ’95)
By Linda Abramson Features Editor
After graduating from Yeshivah of Flatbush in 1995, Michael Scott has advanced to pursue his passions as the Regional Manager of a paper company in Pennsylvania. At the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin, Scott “inspires, motivates, and is best friends with” each worker in the branch, with the notable exception of Toby Flenderson, the Human Resources representative. While overseeing more than 20 employees, Scott also owns several small businesses. He founded Cafe Disco, a coffee shop in the office complex that houses Dunder Mifflin. “Contrary to popular belief, I’m the one who came up with the idea for Cafe Disco, not Erin or Kelly— it’s mine.” Scott further proved his point by giving The Fauxnix an exclusive look at his idea journal, featuring several toilet-related designs such as Toilet Guard and Toilet Sponge, patents pending. Additionally, Scott owns a share of Serenity by Jan, a scented candle company developed by his former boss, Jan Levinson. Scott went on to give a detailed account of each Dunder Mifflin employee, spending most of the time describing Ryan Howard’s goatee. Scott added, “even though he’s a lowly temp, Ryan is one of the greatest, hottest, nicest, amazing, most perfect… men in the universe.” Although it seems as if he holds all his employees in high regard, Scott spent even more time listing every flawed action Toby Flenderson has committed. According to Scott, Flenderson is the leading suspect in the Scranton Strangler Case, and asked if Flatbush has a Human Resources department for Flenderson to transfer to. When informed otherwise, Scott asked if the Yeshivah of Flatbush would be willing to trade Flenderson for Rabbi Galpert. Michael Scott, business manager and entrepreneur, also functions as the host, and frequent recipient, of the annual Dundies awards show. This show
is exclusively open to Dunder Mifflin employees, where they’re awarded for “being [my] best friends and workers, except for Stanley Hudson, who’s too lazy to leave his desk unless it’s cookie day,” as stated by Scott. Dundie categories include Whitest Sneakers, Diabetes, Extreme Repulsiveness, and Worst Salesman awards. Although Michael Scott has moved to bigger and better things, his roots in Flatbush are not forgotten. Scott is still remembered as the best hockey player in the Yeshiva League, and Flatbush even has a tradition to touch a statue of Michael Scott before each game for good luck. Scott says the reason for his world-renown success is because he “missed one hundred percent of the shots [he] didn’t take.” Scott also denies any alleged connections to NHL player Wayne Gretzky. Scott is not married, but explained that he is currently in a serious relationship with Levinson, which began on a joint venture to Jamaica. Scott adds that he is excited about his new relationship with Jan, as well as his new plasma screen TV, which he plans to showcase at his next dinner party. In his free time, Scott enjoys doing chesed. As a Flatbush student, Scott volunteered at SBH, but instead of participating in the Disney marathon, he organized a “fun run” for rabies awareness. Nowadays, Scott frequently visits the local penitentiary, where he spends time with his old friend, Prison Mike. Scott says he learns so much from Mike, such as the dementors that are constantly roaming the jail cells, sucking the souls out of prisoners’ bodies. According to Prison Mike, he was arrested for “stealing, robbing, and kidnapping the president’s son,” while never getting caught. Scott credits Senora Ovadia and Rabbi Besser with instilling his love of chesed. He is also known for giving generously to tzedakah. In fact, he once promised to pay an entire third-grade class’s future college tuition. When asked about “Scott’s Tots,” who are currently Flatbush juniors, Scott declined to comment. So what advice does successful graduate Michael Scott have for current Flatbush students? Go through high school with a smile, he said, and “don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or … or where you’ve been … ever. For any reason, whatsoever.” Also, he added, never plug in a George Foreman grill on your bed.
The Fauxnix The Phoenix Staff Editor-in-Chief: Nicole Muravsky Senior Editor: Jack Saad School News Editors: Marc Lessler, Alison Mudick Religion Editor: Ronnie Mizrachi World News Editor: Sabrina Zami Features Editor: Linda Abramson Entertainment Editors: Jenna Ashkenazie, Marcelle Setton
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Fashion Editors: Grace Hidary, Jennifer Neuman Fun & Games Editor: Joyce Louz Sports Editor: Simone Amkraut Junior Editors: Jeanette Cohen, Beverly Dweck, Isaac Dweck, Lydia Ezon, Maurice Silvera Sophomore Editors: Aliya Abergil, Jacqueline Halabi Design: Carolina Cohen Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter
High School Administration Rabbi Joseph Beyda, Head of School Ms. Esther Hidary, Associate Principal Rabbi Yigal Sklarin, Associate Principal Rabbi David Galpert, Assistant Principal
Security guards’ new band New vending machines will crushes Lunch ’N Listen debut carry dress code accessories By Beverly Dweck Junior Editor
DTM practicing their hit single “Where do you think you’re going?”
By Maurice Silvera Junior Editor
Yeshivah of Flatbush’s very own security team, more commonly known as “the Mikes,” performed at Lunch N’ Listen this week as an a cappella group under the name Drop the Mikes, leaving students and faculty in awe and desperate for more. Drop the Mikes was a last minute entry and nearly missed the cut-off to sign up; however, as luck would have it, they got the last slot at the end of the second lunch. After 40 minutes of pubescent singing filled with voice cracks galore, the crowd had lost interest, and an incessant chatter filled the cafe. But as soon as Drop the Mikes began their rendition of “Me Too” by Meghan Trainor, a hush fell over the room. After three minutes of heavenly sound, the cafe erupted in cheers, and soon, Drop the Mikes were receiving a full-blown standing ovation. One student even reported fainting as the song concluded. “I had no idea the Mikes could sing! I thought their job was just to not let us out to lunch early,” exclaimed junior Benny Mizrahi. This seemed to be a common theme among the majority of
the Flatbush populace; most had no idea of the Mikes’ musical aptitude. However, one person has been aware of the Mikes’ talent for quite some time now: “I hear them singing most mornings when I come in for early arrival,” Rabbi Dushey recalled. “That is, when I arrive to early arrival on time, of course.” Not everyone was a fan of Drop the Mikes concert, though. “They were a little pitchy,” a more-than-irritated Mrs. Mauskop remarked of the up-andcoming group. She feels that her own protéges were outshined and there should be an age limit for performers. However, when she approached Rabbi Beyda about the matter, he promptly shut her down. “After this performance, I’m inclined to make Lunch N’ Listen exclusive to the Mikes,” he told her. “Your students are on thin ice.” There is a question about what this means for the future of Flatbush security. “Who’s going to make sure we’re signing in?” asked extremely concerned and frequently absent junior Jennifer Kreizman. Although there are no definite answers at the moment, the general consensus is that Flatbush should prioritize the Mikes’ signing career over their security duties.
Move over, Matt’s Munchies: a new vending machine is coming to Flatbush. But, this isn’t any regular vending machine. This is a dress code vending machine. Everyone has experienced dreadfully waking up on a Monday morning. When Flatbush students get ready for school on that early morning, slippers, sweatpants, and a nice comfy hoodie are the only remotely appealing options from the closet. While walking into school, though, they are bombarded by teachers and administrators yelling that their clothing choices are all wrong. Now, instead of kids getting sent home, they are able to purchase the school wardrobe from right downstairs! Flatbush students will now have to pay for their “allowed clothes” that the dress code vending machine contains. Located in the basement where the snack vending machines used to be, the dress code vending machines are currently open for student use. For only $45 an item, the vending machines supply collars. Not collared shirts, just collars. They also provide shavers for your beard, so your face can get cold! They also provide leggings to replace your comfy, warm, fuzzy sweatpants. They even supply stiff dress shoes to replace your slippers that make you feel like you’re walking on clouds. Who wouldn’t want that luxury? The dress code vending machines have anything you may need. The vending machines accept Apple Pay, credit card, and cash. All proceeds go to Crawfords as an incentive for them to lower their prices. “I think I speak for all of us when I say we need Drop the Mikes more than we need our safety!” shouted English Department chair Ms. Bloom as she stood atop a chair at an impromptu town hall meeting regarding the matter. “If Drop the Mikes go, so does Mica!” she threatened. The Mikes have certainly surprised
Some students are ecstatic about the new machines. “The vending machines saved me! I forgot my gym shirt at home and was able to get one from the vending machine. I wouldn’t want to get all sweaty and disgusting in my regular shirt from laboriously meditating!” sophomore Esther Lazerowitz said. On the other hand, other students aren’t too pleased. “I went to the vending machine for a snack. I put in the traditional order for the sweet, crunchy, crumbly, delicious bag of M&M cookies to satisfy my cravings. Instead, I got a pair of shoes! How am I supposed to eat that?!” senior Mark James Levy complained. Kippot are not sold in the machines, to avoid competing with the lucrative kippah-selling business of the security guards. many with this new development, and there’s no telling what lies in store for them. The Fauxnix can only say this: don’t forget us when you blow up! For more Drop the Mikes content, follow them on Tik Tok and Instagram @drop_da_mikes1609. Twitch coming soon!
School cracks down harshly on minor offenses By Sylvia Saad Contributing Writer
Recently, the administration has begun to crack down on student rule breakers. Sending students home for dress code infractions or elevator joyrides was just the beginning, and the consequences are getting more intense for smaller crimes. The administration unanimously issued a statement: “Unfortunately, we have to intensify our punishments considering the rise in offenses. There are now no other possible options.” They hope that with the bringing of these consequences, violations will decrease. Beginning on Monday, students who are absent more than the permitted eight times will be immediately suspended, and will not be allowed in school for a week. “If you miss too much school, we can’t let you
come to school. It’s just common sense,” explained Assistant Principal Rabbi Galpert. The consequences only get stricter from there. One recurring issue that seems to be plaguing YOFHS is the theft of lemon juice from Crawford’s. Students have been caught putting unacceptable amounts of lemon juice on their cucumbers or even adding lemon juice to their water bottles for a refreshing beverage. Any student caught smuggling lemon juice will be forced to take a picture immediately after biting into a whole lemon; the picture of the student’s contorted face from the sourness will be used as their graduation photo instead of the one taken on picture day. The school is also cracking down on students who call Ms. Baltimore the “Baltigoat,” a combination of her name and
the acronym for “greatest of all time.” Although this seems harmless and even flattering, Ms. Baltimore is anything but pleased. She is frustrated at the comparison of herself to a goat, which she says “is an uninteresting animal with no special qualities.” She continued, “I am upset and frankly insulted. At least compare me to a hawk or lion or something better!” Ms. Baltimore has threatened to give any student who calls her the “Baltigoat” a failing mark on their upcoming exam. Freshmen everywhere: beware if your next Global History mark plunges. More serious misbehavior will even result in jail time. One such felony is calling peers derogatory words or names such as “te’eel, hajj, odee, c’mon,” which is considered highly inappropriate on campus. One student took it upon himself to call his own teacher te’eel. Being interviewed in his jail cell, senior Joey Falack said, “I got in trouble for calling my teacher te’eel, but that’s not what I said. I said Theil! Her name is Ms. Theil! I
have been wrongfully accused!” The administration is mostly cracking down on freshmen. Dozens of freshmen have been caught sneaking out of school during lunch periods. As Mrs. Winkler put it, “Freshmen leaving school to get lunch is so detrimental to their ability to make friends!” The administration is now installing “freshie detectors” on the doors to make sure no freshman can escape. As a freshman comes within a meter of an exit, a facial recognition scanner identifies the freshie, which triggers an alarm calling three security guards to come and escort the runaway freshman back into the basement gymeteria. Any freshman caught trying to leave the building will have to remain locked inside the building for all of eternity. Adamant about this punishment, Rabbi Beyda exclaimed, “When we said ‘four years for the rest of your life,’ we meant THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!”
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Coding students travel abroad continued from page 1
“We got python snake-shaped candy from the hotel gift shop and paid for it in cryptocurrency.” The students enjoyed the multiple cultural features of Python, like the binary traffic lights and the “if statement” hotel room keys. Eating in Python was a very interesting experience for the freshmen as well. “The restaurants were very clean, because the whole country is meant to be anti-virus,” freshman Jacob Shamah explained. “But eating was really annoying because we had to eat eight bytes at a time,” he continued. Meanwhile, Mr. Chaya’s sophomore classes visited Java, Indonesia. “The plane ride was really cool. The pilot on the loudspeaker was speaking in JavaScript, which was a little bit confusing, but at least the java chips were good,” said sophomore Ezra Rosenfeld. “We went to this museum with the fastest computer in the world, and one of the rooms had screens on all four walls covered in Ja-
vaScript. When we ran the program it displayed an ad for deodorant.” Java is known for its unique language pronunciation and fashion trends. When the sophomores came back from their trip, it was obvious that they’d bought some new clothing over there. “They all came back wearing these silver metallic hoodies with weird letters on them,” sophomore Linda Benun explained. “They also decided to speak Java together as an inside joke. I felt like they had just come from an alien planet or something.” Regardless of the confusing language discrepancies, however, the students were disappointed to return. “I loved that trip, even if it was a short one. I actually got to speak to people in Python, even though I only knew how to tell them to multiply 70 by 13,” said Eizenberg. “Still, it’s so much better than going to Mexico with the Spanish class.”
Perpetually broken elevator finally getting replaced continued from page 1
suggested, so grown adults will feel uncomfortable and claustrophobic. This sleek, streamlined system of intertwining quadrilaterals hurtling Flatbush into the future while being far more energy efficient and environmentally friendly than the current elevator. STEP runs only on human energy, which — as we know — is 100 percent renewable and will not cause the school’s electric bill to rise even a single penny! The new system also cuts down travel time. It is always available, so students won’t have to wait around for an elevator to come. When the bell rings, you just go! Thus STEP is expected to cut time between classes down to a precise three minutes. STEP never breaks down and doesn’t need a yearly inspection. The only drawback is that STEP is projected to cause some issues with wearers of central skirts. However, we anticipate that those wearers will simply
Signs like this will be obsolete
push against the friction and not adjust their skirts in any way to accommodate for greater range of movement. Any skirt adjustments will be cause for expulsion. Flatbush is taking us into the future one STEP at a time!
Flatbush lowers temps to prepare for Antarctica continued from page 1
commented. There have been other benefits. Students in 4-HR students spilled water all over the floor of the Music Room, which froze immediately, forming a quaint ice skating rink. Ms. Mauskop used the opportunity to teach the students a valuable musical dogma: “If you don’t C sharp. You’ll B flat.” Crawford’s is profiting from the temperature change as well. Instead of the cookie dough that they sold cheaply, they now sell cups of cubed, crushed, nugget, spherical, and teddy-bear-shaped ice cubes for $15.67 a cup. On the other hand, some facul-
ty members and students are fervently against the change of temperatures. “It’s so cold that my arm physically froze and broke off! I’m still waiting for the school to pay my medical bill,” one angry sophomore complained. “The upside was that I got an elevator pass, but the elevator is always broken so that doesn’t even help.” Nurse Fayge has also been protesting the movement from the underground by having a side hustle selling heat packs, which are meant for injuries, to students. Ms. Fayge uses all of the proceeds to purchase hot chocolates from Dunkin Donuts for the freezing students.
Faculty Freshman: Mr. West continued from page 1
quently exchange math books with one another and engage in complex discussions about linear algebra. Mr. West’s immense wealth of knowl-
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edge can seem intimidating at first, but the students have taken a great liking to him. Sari Kassin, an AP Lang student, proclaimed him her favorite teacher:
D’var Torah:
The real story of Purim By Sabrina Zami World News Editor
On the holiday of Purim, we have a mitzvah of “והגדת לבנך,” or the mitzvah of telling the story of Purim. So, in honor of Purim, let us recount the story of the salvation of the Jewish people. The story starts with a king, Pharaoh, who threw a huge party that lasted for days for all the citizens of his kingdom in Babylon. On the last day, he called for his wife, Dinah, to come to his party so that he could show her off. Dinah refused; after talking to his friends, Pharaoh decided to banish Dinah for her disrespect. This was unfortunate for two reasons. The first was that Dinah was Pharaoh’s previous Grand Vizier’s half-sister; before this incident, he was on pretty good terms with the family. The second, and most important reason, was that now he was lonely without a wife. Regretting his decision about Dinah, he asked his friends, “What should I do?” Their answer was simple: find another woman to marry. He sent officials throughout his kingdom to find beautiful young candidates for his next wife. This brings us to the house of Moses. Moses was a very famous Jew, known for taking the Jews out of Egypt a little while beforehand. Moses had an orphaned cousin, whom he had adopted. She was a young, beautiful woman named Ruth. Ruth was found by Pharaoh’s officials. She was taken to the palace and was then sent to Pharaoh after a complete makeover. Pharaoh was so impressed by her beauty that he married her, and she became the queen. Ruth never told Pharaoh that she was Jewish. Moses, her cousin and guardian, came to the palace to check on her. While sitting by the palace gate, he overheard two palace guards plotting to overthrow Pharaoh. He reported this to Ruth, who told Pharaoh. The two guards were killed, and the whole event was documented. During this time, Pharaoh promoted Laban, one of his advisers. Everyone in the palace was required to bow to Laban; however, Moses, who was by the palace a lot, refused to bow to him. Laban got angry and decided to go to Pharaoh. He made sure not to mention that the nation that he wanted to destroy was the Jewish people;
“He’s legit a genius. His class is my favorite. We learn a lot but we also have a lot of chill class discussions. He even lets us call him ‘Ye.’” Mr. West notes that this is all part of his classroom atmosphere ideology. He believes the key to being a successful teacher is connecting with your students, and that can only be done if they feel comfortable in class. “Ye is the best. We have dance battles in class but, known, I always win,” says
Pharaoh’s last Grand Vizier, Joseph, was Jewish, and Pharaoh was pretty fond of him. Pharaoh allowed Laban to wipe out the nation that he intended and made him the Grand Vizier, which was especially good for Laban as he had already picked a day to destroy the Jews. It’s important to mention that Laban’s hatred of the Jews was not only because of Moses; Laban had a Jewish son-in-law that he absolutely hated. He was always getting ahead in business and even had the gall to leave with his wives and children! Laban was quite happy to kill all the Jews. Moses was very disturbed by the new law. He begged Ruth to appeal to Pharaoh. Ruth at first refused because it was dangerous to come to Pharaoh if he had not called you to come. Moses told her, “Don’t think that — because you’re a convert — Laban will spare you. If you don’t save us, someone else will.” Ruth agreed and went to Pharaoh. Thankfully, he didn’t get mad that she came without being called. She invited him and Laban to a feast that day. At the feast, Pharaoh asked Ruth what it was she wanted. She asked him and Laban to come to another feast the next day and that she’ll tell them then. That night, Pharaoh couldn’t sleep, so he requested to have the royal archives brought to him. He read about Moses saving him from the palace guards and realized that he never rewarded him. Pharoah asked Laban what he should do for someone that he wanted to honor. Laban, thinking Pharaoh wanted to honor him, described an elaborate royal parade. Pharaoh summoned Moses and ordered that this parade be carried out at once. Laban was so angry to see a Jew honored, but he couldn’t really be surprised since Joseph the Jew was Pharaoh’s last Grand Vizier. That day, Pharaoh and Laban attended Ruth’s second feast. Pharaoh asked Ruth what it was she wanted, so she told him. She said that she was a Jew, and Laban was seeking to kill her and her people. Pharaoh was so angry that he had Laban killed and the decree reversed. We celebrate this victory every year to remind ourselves that if we fight for what we believe in, we will prevail.
Benjamin Lin, another AP Lang student. The results of a recent poll show that 99% of juniors in honors plan on taking AP Lit next year. Mr. West says that his favorite thing about working at Flatbush is the free lunch, but his time at the school has not been perfect. He admits that he was disappointed to learn that there are no students of Armenian heritage at the school, but even more upsetting is that “everyone here wears Air Force Ones!”
Entertainment The Chrises are taking In the mood for a terrifying thriller? over Hollywood Movie Review:
By Marcelle Setton Entertainment Editor
If you’re in the mood for an action-packed thriller, The Fauxnix strongly recommends the extremely tragic story surrounding a male and his wife who finally settle into their beautiful home with their newborn child. Their joy is short-lived: their home is brutally attacked, the wife is killed, and the husband is left to take care of his son all on his own. After the tragic death of his wife, the father becomes fearful and overprotective of his son; he’s especially worried since his son has a physical deformity from the attack. At first, the father’s anxiety seems unnecessary. But, years later, the son begins school, and all of the father’s fears become a reality when the son is kidnapped while he is on a class trip! The father catches a glimpse of his son just before he disappears, and chases after him. Along the way, he meets a mentally disabled woman who saw who had taken the son but does not have the mental capacity to remember. Together, the father and the woman endure a treacherous journey and are almost killed on several occasions. Just as the unlikely pair think that nothing can get worse, they are captured. The woman’s optimism inspires the male to let go of some of his fears. Finally, they
escape. Meanwhile, the son is physically unharmed but is trapped by a dentist, along with several other prisoners. Together, the prisoners hatch a plan to escape, but it fails. However, when the son learns that his father has been trying to find him, they make another attempt to escape and succeed—or do they? Painfully, the father finally locates the dentist’s office, only to find his son lying on the floor, lifeless. Heartbroken, the father heads back home, not realizing that his son is, in fact, still alive. Before long, the son catches up to his father, and they are finally reunited! But their celebration is cut short when they realize that the woman who helped the father has now been trapped yet again. The son hatches a plan, and the father reluctantly agrees to let him put himself in danger to try to save the woman. It works, and the three then head back home where they lived out the rest of their lives. The father learns to trust his son and live without constant fear that his son will die as his wife had. The son goes back to school to continue his learning, and he develops an appreciation for all that his father has done for him. If you are intrigued and want to put yourself through this emotional roller coaster, be sure to watch Finding Nemo on Disney+.
Jenna Ashkenazie Entertainment Editor
You have to be living under a rock to have not heard of at least one of these famous Chrises. Chris Hemsworth (known for playing Captain Kirk in Star Trek), Chris Evans (the Australian actor mostly known for playing Thor), Chris Pine (noted for his role in Parks and Recreation and Star Lord in the MCU), and Chris Pratt (the lovable Captain America). These Chrises have been so busy making movies, sometimes it’s difficult to remember which one is which! Chris Hemsworth will be reviving Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movie, with the release date to be determined. This movie has been in the works since 2016, and has finally moved into the “it’s really going to happen” stage. Meanwhile, Chris Pine is preparing for his third child, which is his second child with his
new wife, Katherine Schwarzenegger. He and his wife will also be featured on the second season of Netflix’s hit show “Get Organized.” While those Chrises are busy with those projects, Chris Pratt is gearing up for his voice acting debut in the new movie Lightyear, which focuses on the beloved Buzz Lightyear from the Toy Story movies. After passing down the Captain America mantle and leaving the MCU, Pratt has proved to the world that he can play more than a superhero — even though he was the only actor to play two MCU superheroes — in his 2019 movie Knives Out. Meanwhile, Chris Evans will be returning to the big screen as the Norse god Thor in Thor: Love and Thunder, which will premiere on July 8th of this year. Come back next month for updates on Christopher Walken, Christopher Lloyd, and Christopher Robin.
Left to right: Chris Pratt, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth
Yeshivah of Flatbush presents early Academy Awards By Samantha Ryba Contributing Writer
In advance of next week’s Academy Awards, Yeshivah of Flatbush held its first ever Teacher Oscars on Sunday, March 13. The award ceremony was a night unlike any other, celebrating the unique and invaluable qualities of Flatbush’s faculty. Students crowded into the building in anticipation as faculty nominees came out of their limos and strode along the red carpet into the auditorium. The show opened on the beautiful auditorium stage with an incredibly moving dialogue from Macbeth performed by Ms. Kaplowitz and an uplifting, operatic “You Raise Me Up” by Rabbi Galpert. To introduce the categories of the night, a stellar Prezi was presented by Ms. Wielgus outlining the categories of each of the awards, including but not limited to Best Male Supportive Figure, Best Female Supportive Figure, Most Memorable Comeback, Most Convincing Performance, and so much more! Dr. Chattah hosted the evening with a booming voice that made his microphone almost unnecessary. He effortlessly presented the awards, including his own award, which he won in the category of Most Convincing Performance as Dr.
Chattah the Double to students 24/7. It Agent Who Gets Tea should be noted that from Students and actual guidance counReports Back to the selors and Safe teachAdministration. ers were ineligible for The night continthis award due to the ued with Mr. Engel unfair advantages of winning the award their training, years for the Most Intricate of experience, and job Collection of Sweatduties. ers. He, of course, was The real debate so shocked and excitwas about who would ed about the win that take home the title of he began his speech Matriarch of the SciMr. Engel had a big night saying, “It’s hard to ences. Was it Math say thank you when I barely have two Mommy Mrs. Shulman or Chem Mombrain cells to rub together.” After stand- my Dr. Jelenik-Cohen? Before Dr. Chating at the podium for 15 minutes without tah was able to announce the winner, the saying anything else, he disappointedly two STEM teachers got into a brawl. As uttered “Dag Nabbit” and ran out of the fists flew, Dr. Wolowelsky quickly broke it auditorium. up by saying, “If you keep fighting, there’s Next, Coach Robyn Dweck and Ms. going to be a lot of paperwork to fill out. Mia Erdos won Best of Friends On and Good day, folks.” The two fighting teachOff Set. ers understood and then came to their Mr. Hofstetter received the award for senses. Best Male Supportive Figure. “I mean, reThen, Dr. Chattah began to presally, if you have never ranted to Mr. Hof ent the award for Most Musically Inabout all your problems, have you even clined Teacher. The nominees were Ms. been going to Flatbush?” asked senior Mauskop — for her piano performance Ruthie Khaski. Unsurprisingly, Señora of Chopin’s Nocturne in E-flat major, Op. Ovadia won the Best Female Supportive 9, No. 2., and Mr. Saadia for his rendition Figure by providing unofficial guidance of — well, it’s unclear what he was try-
ing to play — on the triangle. Of course, Mr. Saadia won for his exquisite performance. If you have seen almost any performance put on by the Yeshivah of Flatbush, you can almost guarantee that Mrs. Sally Shatzkes was somehow involved in this spectacular showcase. The audience was delighted when she won the award for Most Talented Cast Member, which she, of course, showed to her boyfriend Rrrrafffiiiii immediately upon receiving it. Almost all awards seem to pale in comparison to the vibrance and exuberance emanating from the clever words of Mr. Robertson, the clapback king and winner of Most Memorable Comeback. Mr. Robertson has such great comebacks on a daily basis that he took all five nominations for the award, each for a separate roast of his students. Last but not least, the final award of the night, “Students’ Best Friend,” was a major upset. Experts had predicted that Rabbi Yanetz would take home the award, but instead it was awarded to Ms. Julie Baltimore, known for her kind, warm, and caring character. Rabbi Yanetz did not attend the ceremony because he was in his third-floor office, as always.
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Fun & Games Ask Merle’s Alter Egos Hi Merle, I love you! I’m your biggest fan, and I read your section all of the time. I have to ask: what is it like being Merle? Best, Lily Dear Loser, Here’s my advice to you. Ditch class, don’t study, fail your tests, drop out of school, run away from home, steal a motorcycle, ride off into the sunset, and definitely stop reading Merle’s trash. Take it from me. She’s got nothing worth your time. If you want to laugh, go steal a baby’s Purim candy, and act like they’re invisible. You’ll really get a kick out of that. But then again, it’s all fun and games until Rabbi Beyda calls your mom, and you’re stuck on probation for reenacting one of Shakespeare’s explicit scenes in front of your class. Signed, Sherle, Merle’s evil twin
Hi Merle, I can’t seem to find the lost and found. Can you help? Thanks, Charles ‘Ello! Innit ironic babe! That yo lost tryna find the lost n’ found! The lost n’ found is quite lit’rely one of the woust sistems in this gowd fowsaken school! There is bloody clothin’ layin’ there from ages ago! Last Chewsday I found a duhtee ol’ wah-uh-boh-ul sittin’ der. Oh, Charlie boy! I do ‘ope you find it one day! If only we ‘ad ‘arry Potta and his spell book — then we could wish up yo belongings in a jiffy! Wouldn’t that be swell! Oh well. I gotta run, luv. It’s tea time! Toodloo, Merilda from the UK
Dear Merle, I am embarrassed to be my friend’s friend. She has managed to lose her bright yellow backpack in school with her laptop inside and has yet to find it! This ignorance and irresponsibility is simply intolerable! What’s even worse is that she doesn’t seem to care that she’s lost it! I knew I should have put an airtag in it when I had the chance. I just don’t know if I can put up with this anymore. Best, Jillian Dear Jillian, I know exactly who you’re talking about. She’s infamous for singing old show tunes in the hallways and is always eavesdropping in on people’s conversations. That’s why her hair’s so big; it’s full of secrets. Last week, she told me about this junior who has beef with a freshie over a locker on the fourth floor. They’re
planning on fighting it out traditionally — with a ping-pong tournament after school (obviously). Loser has to bench 250 in the fitness center after scarfing down six oily pizza slices. I’d say root for the freshie, but he’s one of those kids who rips down photos in the staircase. I also got word that there’s an undercover Wordle tournament being run in the third-floor science lab. Kids have been trying to keep it from Ms. Wielgus for weeks! And did you know that Mr. Katz actually has a pet cat? It’s name is Dawg and Mr. Katz hides it in the backroom. He also keeps a secret stash of cat food in the library. That’s what’s really behind all those shelves that look like books! Ugh, there’s too much going on in this school! But if you hear anything else, I want to know. XOXO, Gossip Merle
Reactions to the Rosh Purim Cartoon Chodesh Adar program “Been here for four years and never knew Mikes had last names.” — Senior
“There are Crawford’s gift cards?! I know what I want for my birthday.”
By Jennifer Kraeizman
“Is Teddy Chattah really in Weight Watchers?” — Faculty
“Dndndnd nndndndn NAAAAAAHH AAALLEEHHH” — Freshman
— Sophomore
“DANGG, MS. KALPOWITZ’S GOT MOVES. LET’S GET HER IN A TIKTOK.” —Anonymous Student
“I thought I saw Rabbi Galpert talking to himself in his office the other day…” — Student
“I GUESS MERLE’S LAST NAME IS SCHWARTZ TOO?” — Student
“All those years of giving my students partial credit and I can’t get points for the first name?!” — Spelling Bee Contestants
“I’M OFFENDED.”
— Jose Valle (security guard)
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“SHE’S STILL CHANI IN MY EYES.” — Junior
“We’re never allowed to get points off for spelling ever again.” — Students
Administration: “Dress up like students Teachers: *put on pajamas and a backpack*
“These outfits are kind of comfy.” — Teachers
“My boyfriend Rrrrrrrrrrrafii!” — Everyone
“We tried.” — AV Team
In the spirit of Purim and the Mitzvah of giving, we are raising money to chip in and buy Rabbi Galpert an iPhone for his Instagram lives. Please direct all donations to the Fauxnix Charity Department. All amounts are appreciated. We accept Venmo. Thank you.
Standard of Fabulous Jump on these hot new Spring trends It’s time for new socks
By Nicole Muravsky Editor-in-Chief
As we near the next fashion season, designers are swapping out their designs for others that are more eye-catching. One of the hottest trends today is fish-tank pumps, which are high-heeled shoes with a compartment to store a maximum of two live fish. Neiman Marcus designers felt that as the weather becomes more beautiful in the upcoming months, aquatic pets shouldn’t be isolated indoors when there is much for them to see beyond the restrictive walls of their stationary tanks. However, the main impetus for the design was when the pet
fish of CEO Karen Katz almost died after numerous times when she forgot to feed it. Out of sight, out of mind. So she fished for alternative ways to reinforce her memory, and voila! E-fish-ent for getting the job done, the shoes reminded her to feed her fishies; if she doesn’t,
the fish will repeatedly bang against her shoes to remind her. Furthermore, the representatives of leading denim brand Levi’s recently met at the Annual International Pants Conference (AIPAC) last week in Italy. The pants connoisseurs around the table determined that the pants industry is failing. They each murmured around about why so many people are wearing belts. “Can’t they find a pair of pants their size?” one expert expressed. To fix this problem, the group unanimously agreed to design fullbody pants and promoted them with the slogan: “Stop attempting to tighten; just put yourself right in.” These pants are designed to envelop your whole body, instead of just your legs — since getting pants to fit people’s legs posed too great of a challenge. Even your hands are tucked into the pants to help you resist the instinctual urge to pull up your pants, which is no longer needed as the pants cannot get any higher up. Flatbush girls, keep watch of these pants; according to the student handbook, these count as a shirt and are therefore allowed in school! Designers are also attempting to take wearing layers to new extremes. The CEO of American Eagle Jay Schottenstein declared that the unpredictable March weather makes wearing many, many more layers a must. “I control how much clothing I wear, not the temperature outside or what everyone else is wearing,” he said. Students are especially adamant about following in the footsteps of Joey Tribbiani — the original creator of this
trend and from where Schottenstein got his inspiration from — with their layers. “Why have a full closet, if you don’t have a full outfit?” Freshman Rebekah Chichester concisely explained. The layers of clothing trend escalated to include layers of accessories — and gloves in particular. As the outfit wearer walks down the street, he’s able to give out gloves of all shapes, sizes, and colors to anyone who wants to join the “Layer up! That’s what’s up!” worldwide movement. Hands down, this outfit is the “gloveliest” one out there!
Need a new makeup routine? Go bold By Jennifer Neuman Fashion Editor
Say goodbye to the smokey eyes and glossy looks and hello to the new makeup trends of 2022! Recently, new glam looks have come into light and are being worn by A-List celebs like Hannah Montana, Daisy Duck, and the famous fashion duo Drake & Josh. This new makeup style introduces a clean and fresh vibe that everyone is falling head over heels for! Do you want to know how to look trendy while feeling good with this new makeup look? Well, you’ve come to the right place, because we have all the info on the hottest look right now. First, you’re going to want to run to your local Party City and buy a large palette of face
paint. Make sure that it includes all the neutral colors for your soft and natural glam look, like green, orange, purple, black, and pink. If you would like to add some spark to your look, you can grab a can of any colored hairspray while you’re at Party City. Next, you have to prep your face. Start with a primer that will help you achieve a glossy look, like some lip gloss or vegetable oil. Then put on the first layer of your choice of color all over the face. We recommend starting off simple with a white layer, so you can add more colors on the eyes and lips as you go. Then you’re going to start contouring. We also recommend you use a darker shade for the jawline and cheekbones, such as a blue or purple. Now let’s move on to the eyes. Take a bring color on your palette, like a pink or orange, and apply it around
By Grace Hidary Fashion Editor
A new accessories brand is coming out soon, and you’ll be surprised who is behind it. He’s known for his crazy, funny socks and giant watches. Mr. Hofstetter — the man who teaches English, Writing, and Journalism — will be releasing his new sock and watch brand called HeadtoToe. We all get a little jealous of Mr. Hofstetter’s interesting socks and watches. He created this brand so that he can share his love for these fashion choices with his students. Do you ever get tired of asking people for the time? Do you find watches to be uncomfortable? Your problems are solved. Mr. Hofstetter took some of his favorite sock patterns and combined them with a watch by creating technology, thanks to senior Morris Madeb, which allows for the time to be shown right near your ankle on these new, inventive socks. On the website, you will be able to choose your sock pattern and combine it with your option of watch. Your choice of sock-watch can be a physical watch or an LED light with the correct time. “I’m calling it a ‘Swatch,’” Mr. Hofstetter announced triumphantly. He explained, “I created this brand to combine two things I love the most and to make it really practical for my students to know when my class starts. They can stop coming late to class, and they can look good doing it.” He also recently revealed that he’s collaborating with Rolex and Prada, so the Syrian girls and boys will want to buy from his new brand. Prada will be creating some sock designs, and you will have a choice to pick a Rolex watch. The socks are rechargeable using an iPhone charger. “My students already spend every day asking everyone they see for a phone charger, so nothing will really change,” Mr. Hofstetter said. The website launches Monday, March 21, at 1:00pm. Next time you are shopping online in class while you pretend to take notes, be sure to buy quickly before everything sells out!
and underneath the eyes. Take another bright color and line your eye. If you’re feeling fancy, you can give yourself a cat wing in the neon color of your choice. Then take a darker shade, like red, and outline the blob you made around your eyes. Lastly, to complete the look, you have to do the lips. For this look to be completed, you have to create a gorgeous, long-lasting, plump smile, like the one that the Joker has. If you’re feeling creative, you can once again use any color of your choosing, but we recommend a nice yellow — a color which symbolizes happiness. First you have to overline your lips, creating that plumped look, and then you’re going to extend the corners of your lips to give yourself that smiley look.
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Sports Flatbush meditation team Mr. Rothbort’s NY Mets career takes on the competition Sportsman Spotlight:
comes to confusing end
By Simone Amkraut Sports Editor
By Robyn Beyda Contributing Writer
Mr. Howard Rothbort has long been an outstanding personality here at the Yeshivah of Flatbush. His extensive knowledge of history and politics, along with his lively class presence and corny jokes, have made him a beloved teacher by students and faculty members alike. What most aren’t aware of, though, is that education hasn’t always been Mr. Rothbort’s claim to fame. Long ago, before beginning his career as a history teacher, Mr. Rothbort was a member of the New York Mets. “It was definitely one of the most impactful experiences of my life,” he remarked. Mr. Rothbort, always a huge fan of the Mets, had a dream of playing professionally for them when he was growing up. Though he lacked the baseball skills to actually land a spot as a player, Mr. Rothbort — through his quick reflexes and stamina — was able to earn a job as team “helper.” During the season, Mr. Rothbort’s job was to run around the field making sure each player was staying hydrated by giving them water bottles. He would also get the players cool towels upon request and make sure to clean up the broken bats off the field. Occasionally, during some home games, he would put on the Mr. Met costume and act as team mascot. “I was really a Jack of all trades, but I think my favorite part was being Mr. Met,” he recalled. “There’s nothing better than connecting with the fans and getting everyone hype. I would run around the field with a microphone screaming, ‘Alright sport fans, who’s going to win this game?’ and everyone would chant ‘Mets! Mets! Mets!’” he continued. For two years, Mr. Rothbort did a phenomenal job as team helper, according to team manager Joe Palaia. “He was
“Whoomp! There it is!”
one of the most underrated components of the team,” said Palaia. So much so that he got promoted to field coach right before the Mets played in the World Series. His job then was to yell at the players on the bases and to instruct them to run or stay on base when necessary. “I was on a roll, or a pita, or a shawarma, or whatever you want to call it,” said Mr. Rothbort. “That is, until I made that mistake at the World Series,” he admitted. During Game 7 of the World Series against the Oakland A’s in 1993, the Mets were down 3-5 with two men on base in the last inning — one was out left. When Johnson got a big hit, the Mets were sure to win the game. Mr. Rothbort, all excited, started telling the runners, “You go! You go girl!” but he instinctively followed it with a, “No, I mean stay!” The players, confused, never made it to home plate, and the Mets lost the World Series that year. Mr. Rothobrt, ashamed, quit to pursue a career in education and eventually made his way to Yeshivah of Flatbush. I wouldn’t change a thing,” said Mr. Rothbort. The lessons I learned about teamwork, responsibility, and building up other people are things that I still carry around today and hope to teach my students.”
Clear the lanes: the Falcons are ready to roll! By “Turkey” Lebowski Contributing Writer
“The Flatbush Falcons are thrilled to present the newest varsity sports program—the bowling team,” announced Mr. Barry Neuberger, Flatbush Director of Athletics, in Tuesday’s Daily Update. Despite the school’s concern that the sport is too violent, a torrent of student petitions persuaded Rabbi Galpert, Assistant Principal for Student Experience, to give it the green light. “I wanted to show our students that I am all about the Experience, and after my Experience hearing from so many students about their tremendous desire to Experience bowling, I could not deny them the Experience of rolling against other yeshivot.”
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Senior co-captains Elie Ojalvo and Ronnie Benun are confident in the prospects of a winning Team. Just last week, Ojalvo received his eighteenth D-1 Bowling scholarship offer and has promised his throngs of admirers that he will announce his college decision by April 1. Ojalvo was recently named to the Nike All-Star Bowling team after scoring 18 six-badger games in one season (six strikes in a row), a tremendous step up from his 12-turkey season in his junior year (a turkey is three strikes in a row). The Bowling Falcons will make history as the first Flatbush co-ed team, since the only contact is with the balls. As for uniforms, the bowling boys will be required to play in collared shirts, while the girls will bowl in Centrals—most likely
The success of the Physical Education department’s new meditation program has inspired students to start the school’s brand new meditation team. Competitions, which will be co-ed, promise to be fierce as schools battle each other for complete dominance in keeping calm. It all started with the innovative Mindfulness and Stress Management unit introduced to the Phys Ed curriculum this year. “We were confident that the program would be well received by our students. But in the Flatbush tradition, good enough is never good enough, and so we decided to take our Mindful Meditation to the next step,” commented Mr. Eric Amkraut, Chair of the Physical Education Department. So, close your eyes, focus on your breathing, clear your mind, and get ready for the new world of competitive Mediative Sports! Stress and Flatbush go together like a horse and carriage, so getting student athletes stressed out about relaxation was a natural fit. As Flatbush’s Director of High School Guidance Dr. Etty Mizrahi explained, “We really wanted to find something that might help our students on a larger scale. Thanks to the soothing voice of Mr. Amkraut, we may have found it: the Virtual Meditative Competition.” And that is how Virtual Mindful Competition was born. This Virtual Reality — or rather Mindful Reality — program does not require students to be in the same physical space as their opponents, but instead, allows students to be both “in the zone” and “on the court.” Flatbush robotics coach Mr. Yair Chaya and Mr. Amkraut melded the mindfulness activities of the PE classes with the scientific tools used in robotics to develop a special piece of headgear that will allow students to connect virtually over the internet, while also engaging in stress rolled up to their knees. Ojalvo and his boys are fine with the dress code, “so long as we don’t have to wear skirts, too,” he asserted. Co-captain of the girls team Shoushou Ashkenazie commented that she “would prefer to play in shorts, like all the girls in yeshivot outside the metropolitan New York area;” however, Ashkenazie admitted, “As long as I get to wear those cool polyester button-down bowling shirts with a Flatbush Falcon on one side and my name on the other, I couldn’t be happier!” As for a leader on the sidelines, Flatbush did not have to look far to find the perfect coach: longtime Flatbush teacher Ms. Kaplowitz. “I spent many hours ‘trodding the boards’ in my youth for theater,” stated Coach Kaplowitz, who observed that bowling “just uses a different set of boards.” Coaching the Flatbush Bowlers is a perfect opportunity for many more cheers of “Kaplowitz Kapow,” the exclamation she shouts every time a student of hers brings home a 5 on the AP US
management exercises — reducing stress — while engaging in competition, all at the same time. “The science is nothing short of revolutionary,” an ecstatic Mr. Chaya beamed. This new form of competition was welcomed by many students, but especially by those who had to sit out the present seasons because of vaccination issues. “This is amazing!” exclaimed senior Alexa Greenstein. “I was frustrated all year long not being able to compete alongside my teammates on the basketball court. Now, all I need to do is stretch out on a mat, put on the special oculus, and there I am, alongside my teammates and competing head to head in meditation against student-athletes from other schools. I couldn’t be more excited about being calm!” The Falcons will be competing against other yeshivot in meditation, mindfulness, and stress management. “No other team even has a chance against us,” screamed team captain Moselle Goldstein. “We’re going to relax so hard we’ll explode!” Co-captain Ronnie Mizrachi shared Goldstein’s confidence. “We’re going to destroy them,” he raged. Goldstein and Mizrachi were chosen as captains because of their intensely competitive nature and their insistence on victory at all costs. Their intensity is shared by Dr. Mizrahi, who is serving as the team’s coach. Known for her unrelenting demands and putting the team through grueling workouts, Dr. Mizrahi is all about results. “If you’re not holding your breath for seven seconds, you’re doing it wrong,” she barked at a recent team practice. “Any less and you’re off the team.” It may seem counterintuitive to make mindfulness so nerve-wracking, but Dr. Mizrahi insists that the only way to strengthen students’ minds is to push them to their limits. “The best way to teach stress management is to load up students with stress,” she stated.
Ojalvo is known for his perfect form
History exam. The team already is taking inspiration from their rookie coach, as evidenced by the raucous cheers of “KAPOW!” yelled in unison each time a Falcon rolls a strike. Nobody was surprised when junior Simone Amkraut made the roster. “I never doubted she would roll her way onto the team,” stated Ashkenazie. “If it can be rolled, bounced, batted, bunted, blitzed, dribbled, gloved, kicked, shot, swiped, served, swatted, checked, headed, passed, punted, or played, Simone will be there.” To make room for a bowling alley so that the team can practice, the third-floor science wing will be demolished.