The Phoenix 2018-2019 Issue 6: Purim Edition

The Fauxnix A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 53, Issue 6 • Purim 2019 / 5779

Mashiach Is Coming Next Tuesday

By Jack H. Dweck Sports Editor

According to Mrs. Schulman, The Torah states somewhere that when Mashiach comes, there will be peace in the world, the Beit Hamikdash will be rebuilt, and the Kingdom of Judah will return.

Well, we have been blessed to be in the presence of the Mashiach on “random” Tuesdays. On those Tuesdays, Mashiach, a holy man who exudes the greatness of the Torah to us mere mortals, struts in with his sharp business suit and a carry-on suitcase that constantly tails behind him.

What does his mysterious suitcase contain? According to Rabbi Mizrahi, it contains the “kelim” that hold the elixir of life. The glowing liquid gold is transferred by Mashiach to the Kodesh Hakodashim, where it is then tested. The tests determine the purity of the donor, and to see if the “randomly” selected student is fit to remain during Techiat Hametim.

However, the students who are selected

Senior Ronnie Menashe, seen here receiving his shot, still contracted the disease

Mashiach is always watching to meet Mashiach are only the best of the best, and have been given a once-ina-lifetime opportunity to witness greatness. The students who have the honor to encounter Mashiach are greeted with a lavish banquet of water bottles in the boys’ locker room. They are then invited to converse with the holy man while reclining on luxurious furniture. Many stu-

dents pick the brain of Mashiach, gathering invaluable information about the workings of HaShem.

Stanley Cohen, a senior, had been eagerly awaiting his chance to encounter the Mashiach, and hoped to receive a blessing from the holy man himself. “I always ask Rabbi Beyda when Mashiach is coming, and he only says Mashiach

will come ‘if we all get along,’” Cohen proclaimed, “but I never knew he would really come, and I thought it was all a fantasy.”

Cohen and 15 other boys were chosen to receive the honor of meeting Mashiach on February 26.

Among those boys was senior Joey Levy, who was quite nervous regarding his meeting with Mashiach. Levy stated, “I didn’t know what to expect. I had no idea what he wanted from me because he’s the holiest man in the world already; it’s not like he can ask me for notes or something.”

Levy was shocked to learn what went on in these meetings. When he peeked into Mashiach’s suitcase, he saw a faint glow, an almost golden light, coming from the suitcase. “That’s the presence of God,” he thought. “God really gifted us with Mashiach.”

Hopefully Mashiach will continue to be a source of knowledge and inspiration throughout the Yeshivah of Flatbush and the world.

Scholarships Will Help Sophomore Plague Shuts Students Afford Crawford’s Down Entire School

By Jamie Ashkenazie Senior Editor

Starting after Pesach, Flatbush students and faculty will be able to apply for financial assistance in order to help pay for their Crawford’s purchases.

Students have reported that their families have gone to great lengths in order to enable them to continue to eat at Crawford’s. Some families had to cut back on clothing purchases, some haven’t gone on vacations this year, and others saw no other option but to take out another mortgage on their homes, both in Brooklyn and in Deal.

Additionally, the faculty has been begging for increased pay ever since Crawford’s opened; teachers have even offered to work extra hours just to be able to treat themselves to a small snack at Crawford’s once a month. “I need a raise in salary so I can afford a raisin and

In This Issue

Entertainment: Mishmar: The Movie Page 5

celery!” Mr. Rothbort declared.

The financial aid program will provide eligible students and faculty with food stamps to present to the cashier at Crawford’s. It will also offer the students discounted prices on certain products, and create special food deals and packages to help cut down costs. Eligible students will now be able to buy a bagel with cream cheese and an iced coffee for $22 instead of the usual $45.

One potential loser in the new system is Ms. Chani Guttman, who provides lower-priced items in the school cafeteria. Concerned that the new financial aid program will lead them to lose business, Chani said she plans to take matters into her own hands, if necessary. “All I’m saying is that the people at Crawford’s had better watch out,” she told The Phoenix, but that vague threat is probably nothing

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Food:

World’s best bologna cake Page 6

By Teri Franco School News Editor

Last week a terrible disease spread like wildfire throughout the Yeshivah of Flatbush. The Sophomore Plague, also known as the flu, infected hundreds, leaving only a few brave students in class at any given time.

Several teachers were initially unaware of the epidemic and were surprised to learn that students had been sick. As Ms. Wielgus explained, “I teach seniors; I never have more than four kids in class even when they’re healthy.”

A reported 400 students were absent last week due to this raging illness, and had to fly to Florida to recover there.

However, the 9:00 AM flight from JFK to FLL was so packed with diseased students that the virus mutated and the students got even sicker. The overflow of YOF students within the same 2-mile ra-

Fashion: It’s a coat!

It’s a gown!

Page 7

dius in Aventura resulted in a quarantine of the area and students had to relocate.

“I’m just lucky to be alive,” said one stunned sophomore.

When the students returned to New York, they had recovered, but the Sophomore Plague continued to spread, this time infecting the faculty. Mr. Engel was reportedly hit especially hard, and several witnesses overheard him complaining about his health, his age, and life in general.

Despite having almost every teacher call in sick, the administration was forced to keep school open because they had already canceled school so often for snow that never came. As a result, healthy students came in to a virtually empty building. They immediately took advantage of the lack of supervision by riding the elevator for two hours straight.

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Sports: Falcons.

Actual falcons.

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Meet a Flatbush Family:

Accompanying the Alkagrabis

By Julie Saadia School News Editor

Stephanie left and Sarit The Alkagrabi sisters, Sarit and Stephanie, are two busy girls. In addition to getting top grades, participating in several extracurricular activities, and roam-

ing the halls wearing the newest fashions, they star in their own reality show, Accompanying the Alkagrabis.

The sisters had a special message for Fauxnix readers. “Sarit and I don’t look alike. We are not twins. So everyone has to get over themselves. Just because we are the only ones in the school who dress well doesn’t mean we look alike,” said Stephanie, who looks exactly like her older sister.

The sisters said they were happy that the school fulfilled its promise to add a helicopter landing pad to the roof of the new building. Beforehand they took a the renowned pink limo to school every day.

“Such a hadj. We would have to be stuck in traffic for minutes on end,” said Sarit, a senior. “Being a celebrity is not easy.

When we have parties in LA and tests on the same day we need to be able to fly back in and go straight to class. So I’m just happy Rabbi Beyda kept his promise to have a helipad.”

Stephanie, on the other hand, is still upset that the administration denied her

Alumnus Interview:

Dr. Stephen Strange (HS ’01)

By Sarah Dagmy World News Editor

Dr. Stephen Strange, a 2001 Flatbush graduate, strangely excelled in both secular and Judaic studies. Strange, known to his Flatbush classmates as Stevie, is both a prominent neurosurgeon and a zealously religious Jew who resides in lower Manhattan. Throughout the day he performs complex surgeries, while at night he studies various ancient Judaic texts, including the Talmud, Mishnah, and Zohar. “These texts made me the person I am today,” Strange said. “Most people don’t recognize the power they can give you.”

Although Strange was Yeshivah of Flatbush’s valedictorian in 2001, he was known for being a firebrand and trouble-

maker. During his junior year, Strange popularized the concept that, instead of climbing up Flatbush’s never-ending flights of stairs, students should ride the elevator. When students began to take advantage of the elevator policy, teachers began to penalize those who would ride the elevator, and ultimately Strange’s plan backfired. Nevertheless he persisted and tried to construe solutions to avoid climbing up the stairs. Eventually he stumbled upon a dusty and damaged book with an obscured cover in the school library. Through this strange book Dr. Strange learned the mystical methods of ancient Jewish Kabbalists and how to manipulate the laws of nature. Strange also uncovered the enigma of the Mirror and other dimensions, and how to utilize them for teleportation. With this

The Phoenix Staff Editor-in-Chief: Sam Beyda Managing Editor: Albert Saad Senior Editors: Jamie Ashkenazie, Ezra Faks School News Editors: Teri Franco, Julie Saadia Religion Editor: Rebecca Coopersmith World News Editor: Sarah Dagmy Entertainment Editors: Raquel Oved, Raquel Silvera Food Editor: Danielle Mehani

2 | www.theflatbushphoenix.com

Faculty Freshman:

a walk-in closet in the basement. “They can make a wellness room for the teachers that no one uses, but can’t give me a closet?” said the sophomore.

When asked who their favorite teacher is, their responses were quite interest- By Jayne Haddad ing. “Rabbi Quavo is definitely up there,” Junior Editor Stephanie said. “I feel like he understands me, you know? He knows what it’s like to have so many fans yelling out at you. I’ve actually been to one of his concerts; he’s pretty good. Skrrt skrrt!” said Stephanie.

Sarit on the other hand said that her favorite teacher is Mr. Saadia because she likes to stare at his Rolex in class.

My next question was who their favorite family member was: their parents, Simon and Sofia, or one of their sisters, Sarah, Savanna, and Stella. Both of them answered simultaneously: “It’s def Momager.” Sofia schedules their photoshoots, interviews, and Ariel Cohen SAT prep classes, and plans their exclusive parties.

Having siblings in the same school is not always easy. Stephanie can attests to this. “I try to avoid her whenever I can.

They say blood is thicker than water.

I’ve experienced this firsthand. She once spilled her red ice tea from Chock all

Ms. Puff

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book, Strange was able to teleport from the sub-basement to the fourth floor without even taking a step, thus finally making it on time to Ms. Kaplowitz’s AP U.S. History class. With his new ability, Strange was able to profit off of the laziness of Flatbush students; he charged all students a flat rate of $10 for each teleportation. “Back in those days, $10 was enough to buy two slices at Pizza Time,” he reminisced.

What truly changed his life, however, was the Sephardic Heritage trip to Tibet led by Ms. Wielgus. After graduating from Flatbush and attending college and medical school, Strange returned to Tibet, where he studied under the guidance of the Ancient One, a master mystic more commonly known as Mr. Engel.

Strange wrote a memoir about his journey, which inspired an executive at Marvel Studios to create a superhero based on this true Flatbush success story.

Although the movie’s plot was a distorted, unrealistic account of Strange’s life and adventures, Strange still found the movie amusing and exciting. “I’m proud that somehow Marvel incorporated my Jewish traditions in the motion picture,” he said. “For example, in the movie my tallit was adapted as the Cloak of Levitation, which was considered my partner in crime.”

Dr. Strange said he often thinks back on his time at Flatbush—the times Rabbi Beyda made him shave his goatee, the times he teleported out of lunch hold, and of course the Hebrew Play—with a smile. “It’s really true what they say: Four dimensions for the rest of your life.”

Fashion Editors: Sarit Alkadaa, Celia Banbahji Fun & Games Editor: Allie Saada Sports Editor: Jack H. Dweck Junior Editors: Jayne Haddad, Claudine Hadef Sophomore Editors: Kaden Harari, Michael Oved Design: Carolina Cohen Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter

Do NOT make her angry

Holy mackerel! Something fishy is going on at the Yeshivah of Flatbush. Since September, Mrs. Poppy Puff has been teaching the junior and senior girls’ Halakha class.

Older students might remember Mrs. Puff as a local driver’s education instructor. So why did she shut down Mrs. Puff ’s Boating School to join the Flatbush faculty? “Halakha has always been my passion,” she explained. “And there was one driving student who really made me crazy sometimes.”

Mrs. Puff expressed enthusiasm about joining the “so-fish-sticated” Flatbush staff and pursuing her passion of educating the students about using their “imagination.”

She has earned praise from students and principals for her nuanced approach to disciplining and guiding the students with the use of a “good noodle chart,” as well as gold stars for excellent conduct. “When one wishes to be a good noodle, one must behave like a good noodle,” she explained.

She also went on to say she doesn’t tolerate class clownfish or DoodleBobs of any kind. She is known for blowing at her students often, and is especially volatile when they call her a “big fat meanie.”

Mrs. Puff is very keen about teaching the laws of Kashrut and is particularly sensitive about instructing her students to eat fish only with fins and scales. She puts her heart and sole into helping her students swim in the sea of knowledge. She is known to have taught everyone in her town to pass the road test with flying colors, with only one exception. Despite having attempted the driving exam 1,258,056 times, that well-meaning student continues to return to Mrs. Puff to repeat the course.

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High School Administration Rabbi Raymond Harari, Head of School Rabbi Joseph Beyda, Principal Ms. Sari Bacon, Associate Principal Ms. Esther Hidary, Assistant Principal / Director of Admissions

Flatbush Students Suffer from Gang War Erupts Between Abundance of Free Time Crawford’s and Chanis

By Michael Oved Sophomore Editor

By Kaden Harari Sophomore Editor

If you’ve ever stressed over any aspect of school, you are alone. The rest of the student body is standing beside you when you inevitably feel underwhelmed

by JBHS. According to a recent Phoenix survey, 106 percent of students agree that they have too many leisure hours on their hands to the point where they have run out of ideas how to spend them.

The root of the problem is that students are dissatisfied with the paltry level of pressure placed on their shoulders.

Some have requested a heavier workload but, as usual, teachers are reluctant to assign any homework or tests. As sophomore Ikey Tawil admits, “I’m seriously debating asking Mr. Rothbort to assign more graphic organizers for homework; I just have nothing to do.” When Tawil expressed this to his classmates, they nodded in agreement.

Not only do students fantasize about having more work to do, but they also crave a densely packed test schedule. “I can’t believe I wasted money on the Flatbush planner,” proclaimed senior Adina Cohen. “I never have anything to write in it!” Cohen explained that she has joined 38 extra-curricular activities to help fill her otherwise empty time.

Many students have become exhausted from trying to think up ways to occupy themselves. Take sophomore Betty Hidary, for example: “With all this free time, there is nothing to feel productive about anymore! Sometimes I even get

sick of binging Netflix.” After all, there are only so many times she can rewatch Ross exclaiming to Rachel, “We were on a break!”

Junior Bonnie Melamed offered a suggestion that may help the situation.

She explained, “I’m rarely ever stressed out, and I thought I would be kept busy by taking a bunch of APs. I guess I was wrong; maybe we should have longer school days.”

Other students decided to take matters into their own hands. Outside the door of Rabbi Beyda’s office, they can be found chanting and parading around holding protest signs with phrases like, “Come at us, Flatbush” and “Bring it on.”

Observing the scene, one freshman was overheard saying to his friend, “This is facts. Coming into Flatbush, I thought I would be forced to sleep at, like, 11 o’clock or later every night because of school,” one of them said, “but that’s literal jokes. We all know the truth.”

The Guidance department reports that it has been highly overwhelmed when deluged with students’ complaints and concerns that, thanks to their minimal obligations, time management skills are being lost.

Students desperate for work to do but constantly excused from class have been roaming the halls looking for education anywhere they can find it. “My only option at this point is to go on Pathfinders trips,” junior Joseph Hasbani lamented.

“It’s the only learning I do all day.”

Stay hopeful, students! New shows are coming to Netflix next month!

Chaos erupted in the Student Commons last Tuesday morning as students arrived in school to find red stains splattered on the walls, broken glass littering the floor, and two people lying unconscious.

This incident was the latest escalation in the ongoing feud between the Chanis and Crawford’s, the two rival food-vending street gangs in Flatbush.

The turf war began in October, when Crawford’s muscled their way onto the Chanis’ territory. But what began as a cold war has reached a fever pitch.

At 11:00 p.m. on March 3, Chani and Chani entered the school and managed to get into the Crawford’s freezer and taint their Acai Bowl ingredients. The next morning, as Crawford’s began selling its acai bowls, the effect was almost immediate.

“All of a sudden, students were getting sick and throwing up,” said Catherine, a Crawford’s employee. “That morning, I was greeted by an unusually long line of students wanting acai bowls.

The second I finished serving them all, I heard a student moan.” All throughout the morning, any student who ate an acai bowl began wheezing and clutching tables around them. Some even vomited.

And, in all the commotion, the school nurse traced the cause to the tainted acai.

No one knew what to say. But, everyone knew that they couldn’t trust Crawford’s food anymore.

Crawford’s employees couldn’t believe that their food was the cause. After watching footage from the school’s 8 billion security cameras, they learned that the Chanis had sabotaged their food. Eddie, the owner of Crawford’s, stormed down to the lunchroom to confront Chani, Chani, and Esther. When he saw them, his eyes narrowed and his face tensed. “How could you?! How could you do such a thing?!” he hollered. As he walked away, witnesses heard him mutter, “This means war.”

Unfazed by his threat, the Chanis seemed pleased that their plan had worked, and business in the sub-base-

Acai bowls were sabotaged ment was booming once again. That afternoon, everyone was lining up for food at the lunch room and no one visited Crawford’s.

The Chanis had a long line of customers again the next morning, even before they opened. Yet, as soon as the Chanis opened for business, a putrid stench permeated from their kitchen. Apparently, someone had put a live skunk in the drink fridge. The lunchroom broke out in a frenzy. And, after Animal Control came, the Chanis’s attention turned to the obvious perpetrators: Crawford’s.

Leaders of the two gangs agreed to a final showdown, winner take all. Armed with spatulas and spoons, and wearing pots as helmets, staff from each side met in the Commons at midnight. Acai Bowl ingredients were thrown everywhere. Glass cups shattered on the floor.

Screams from the melee were heard as far away as Coney Island Avenue.

Then, amidst the chaos, Eddie shouted, “Wait!” A silence fell over the Commons. “Why are we doing this?” he asked. And, after hours of late-night discussions, the Chanis and Crawford’s agreed to a price-fixing scheme to gouge students and faculty with overpriced items by merging businesses. Finally, there was peace.

Just as the deal was finalized, two men from the custodial staff arrived, as

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Hair from Classroom Floors Donated for Wigs

This is how most classrooms look by fourth period

By Claudine Hadef Junior Editor

Are you ever sitting in a class and all around you is hair? Hair on the floor,

your chair, and all over your desk from the girl in front of you? Some students even find hair all over their long, black Centrals. No matter what room you are in, strands of hair are bound to turn up.

But what most Flatbush students don’t know is that the hair they’ve been finding is part of a new chesed program.

When students began complaining about the random hairs they would find in their classrooms throughout the day, Senora Ovadia found inspiration. She contacted Locks of Love, a nonprofit organization that uses hair donations to make wigs for children.

“Ordinarily we only accept hair of a certain length and quality so that we can make the most lifelike wigs,” a Locks of Love spokeswoman explained, “but when we saw how much hair Flatbush had collected, we couldn’t say no.” She added that she is particularly impressed with the variety of hair length and color that Flatbush is able to collect.

As part of the new program, the janitorial staff sweeps up all the floor hairs at

the end of each school day and collects it in a mysterious room in the basement.

Every few weeks, when the amount of stray hair becomes overwhelming, Rabbi Besser leads student volunteers to package it all up, while Senora Ovadia makes sure the students receive chesed hours.

Violette, a beloved member of the maintenance staff, was thrilled to hear about the new program. “I like knowing that I’m helping put the hair to good use instead of just throwing it out. I mean, there’s so much hair. So … much … hair.

But now that it’s going to a great cause, I don’t even have nightmares anymore!”

Many Flatbush girls are so enthusiastic about this new chesed program that they have stopped using static spray on their skirts before coming to school so that they can collect even more hair for those in need.

www.theflatbushphoenix.com | 3

Narkson University New Shaatra Training Acceptances Set Record Elective for Sophs

By Albert Saad Managing Editor

A record number of Yeshivah of Flatbush students have been accepted to the prestigious Narkson University this year.

The New Hampshire university, which boasts the 11th-best pre-med program in the world according to US News and World Report, has been notoriously harsh on Flatbush students in years past; it has never accepted even a single student. However, this year the Yeshivah has had multiple students accepted to the school, and both seem very excited.

Mazal Zebak, who applied to both Harvard University and Narkson in the Early Action period, has been accepted to both schools.

Forced to choose between the two prestigious universities, the decision was very clear for her. She stated, “Harvard’s pretty cool and all but it was always really just my safety school. Attending Narkson has always been my dream. Go Wolfpack!”

Senior Jack Rosow is the second student to be accepted, and he appears to be extremely excited about attending Narkson next fall. When asked to comment on his acceptance, he simply said, “YEEEEEAAAAAAA! OK! OK! THANK YOU!”

Members of the College Guidance department, headed by Ms. Amber Long, are all extremely proud of Flatbush’s newest members of the Wolfpack.

Ms. Long explained, “When I first heard these students wanted to attend Narkson I scoffed. I mean, this school is legendary. It taught the likes of Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Kanye West, and Rabbi Akiva. How could we expect anyone from Flatbush to get accepted? Never in my life would I think I would meet a Narkson attendee, but now I’ve actually gotten two of my students into Narkson? This is beyond a career milestone for me.”

While Ms. Long attributes both of these students’ acceptances to their hard work, Rabbi Beyda accredits it to something else as well. “Do you really think that it’s a coincidence that the new building opens and two students get into Narkson in the same year? I don’t. I mean, I even sent the head of Narkson Admissions a Crawford’s bagel. Some might call this bribery, but I like to call it a $4,376.89 gift. Plus tax.”

When asked for advice for future Flatbush students hoping to get into Narkson, Rosow had this to say: “COUNT YO PENNIES! YEEEEAAAAA! KEEP GRINDIN, BOY!”

Scholarships Will Help Students Afford Crawford’s continued from front page 1 to worry about.

Meanwhile, financial aid comes too late for some students, who bought snacks so often that they bankrupted

themselves and ended up homeless. Fortunately for them, Flatbush is also planning to create a homeless shelter at Mrs. Hanon’s house.

Sophomore Plague Shuts Down Entire School continued from front page 1

Next, Robert Adler started a silent rave in the library and students even placed their feet on the ottomans, which deeply upset a few senior boys.

“I’m always careful to be quiet and respectful in the library,” senior Stanley Cohen said. “I can’t believe students would disrupt my concentration with such wild behavior.”

Students also enjoyed freely using

their Airpods in the hallways. When faculty came back, the building was spotless, as the students spent the previous night sweeping and scrubbing every surface.

The administration then decided to give everyone a week off to completely recover so that the school will be 100% flu free. A record 86,000 make-up tests will be given this Thursday in the auditorium.

Accompanying the Alkagrabis

4 | www.theflatbushphoenix.com

By Rebecca Coopersmith and Allie Saada Phoenix Editors

The list of elective courses for next year just got longer, as Ms, Bacon announced that Flatbush will be offering a new Shaatra Training elective course exclusively for girls.

The goal of the course is to “help prepare our students for life after high school—immediately after high school,” Ms. Bacon explained.

The class will be taught by a different guest lecturer every week, each one a Flatbush alumna with at least 3,000 Instagram followers and flawless makeup.

All tests will be administered by Ariel Cohen, and instead of a regular classroom the class will meet in Ouri’s.

In addition to teaching basic skills like how to make mazza and how to build your own Instagram businesses selling homemade challah, jewelry, and Syrian cheese, the course will use a creative, interdisciplinary curriculum to cover the most important skills associated with being a perfect Syrian wife. For example, students will learn advanced math skills such as how to double a recipe.

Science-focused lessons will cover how to get different stains out of a tablecloth and how to get your nails to dry faster.

Required reading will include Colleen Hoover novels and Pomegranate’s weekly sale flyers. Even physical education will play a role, as students do Soul Cycle to build up the stamina necessary for a fullday shopping spree. The only department in the school not represented in the curriculum somehow will be Hebrew, as any true shaatra hires tutors.

Naturally, the class is open only to sophomores, as most of the juniors and seniors in school are already engaged.

Studying for the mazza exam

Faculty Freshman Ms. Puff continued from front page 2 During her free time, Mrs. Puff enjoys visiting Glove World, catching jellyfish at Jellyfish Fields, and hanging in Chock Full o’Nuts. She likes to indulge in goofy goober sundaes, Crawford’s paninis, Krabby Patties, Chani’s bagels, and the

occasional bucket of chum. She noted that she will miss her star pupil, Patrick Star, and her old neighborhood of Bikini Bottom dearly, but is excited to be teaching in Flatbush.

Gang War Erupts Between Crawford’s and Chanis

continued from front page 2 over me in the cafe and told everyone I got a nose bleed while the whole school watched. The cameraman got it all on video, and it’s also on the seniordahaks Insta. Hadj already.”

Her sister Sarit has her own grievances as well. “It’s ridiculous! She always comes in my room and takes my Central skirts. It’s so te’il! I have to wear my short skirts, and I get skirted by Pat. I really can’t afford any more sign-ins! I

Students learn to fold clothes for their future children

need to use them for my photoshoots in the City.” When I asked her why she didn’t simply buy more skirts, she answered: “I have a limit on how many ugly things I can have in my closet, and buying more skirts passes that limit.”

Everyone should check out their new clothing label, S and S. If you like the outfits they wore on the last episode you can buy them on their website. Use code FlatbushFauxnix for free shipping.

continued from front page 3

they do every morning before the school opens. They were not bothered by the extraordinary mess they would have to clean, as they are used to such things because students routinely leave the area even dirtier just from eating lunch. But the acai stains all over the walls looked very much like blood, and the two men fainted.

So it was, that on the morning of

March 5, when the students arrived at school, they found red stains splattered on the walls, broken glass littering the floor, and two people lying unconscious.

As they tried to make sense of the harrowing scene, they noticed something else: a big sign at the entrance to the Cafe that said, “Grand Opening Today! Eat at Crawnis!”

Entertainment Movie Review

TV Review

Game of Thrones Delights Families

By Raquel Silvera Entertainment Editor

As March drags on, and April is still weeks away, Game of Thrones fans of all ages are drowning in anticipation of season 8, the final season.

The TV series, based on George RR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice series of fantasy novels, is all about the warring Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and all the drama and tragedy that is so commonplace in this fictional world. The show has gained so much popularity, tha it’s not surprising that The New York Times calls it the next “feel-good show of the year; the perfect blend of lightheartedness and passion.”

If your younger siblings aren’t caught up, now is the perfect time to watch previous seasons with them.

Aside from the occasional war and gore scenes, including dismembered limbs, charred flesh, corpses, and bloodshed of all sorts, the show really is quite heartwarming. It’s the ideal show for family members of all ages to binge watch together and bond over.

Only a few critics commented that “it was endangering their immortal soul” and that’s probably just an exaggeration.

If anything, the show is very edu-

cational, teaching its audience about the colorful use of profanity in medieval times as well as the proper warfare etiquette of the time, such as different battle strategies and sometimes captivity. It also shows how complex family dynamics can be and how you never know who’s your friend and who’s your foe. The show also provides an interesting take on the traditional white wedding by providing its own twisted “red” and bloody version.

Is there a young child alive who can’t benefit from seeing such creativity in action?

All in all, the show is mostly innocent and sweet. It has been coined “the new and improved Brady Bunch” with a historical and often violent spin. After watching just a couple of episodes, the nightmares don’t last too long, and little kids will be sleeping soundly again within a week or two.

In all its murderous and backstabbing glory, Game of Thrones will no doubt be the number one family-friendly-rated TV series for an eighth consecutive year. With even more shocking deaths to come, and more blood and darkness to follow suit, it is truly a wholesome and virtuous production.

Mishmar: The Movie

By Albert Saad Managing Editor

Directed by and starring Rabbi Yitz Rosenblum, Mishmar: The Movie has had limited box office success over its extended running period. Despite its lack of a steady profit flow, its strong fan base has praised the film as the best after-school movie since the cult classic Tuesday Night Learning, during which mazza was served.

Freshman learning enthusiast Yosefi Goldensteinberg dubbed the film “the greatest ever”—or at least it sounded like that’s what he said as he shoved four slices of complementary Benny’s Pizza into his mouth at a recent viewing.

The film has been heavily advertised by the Yeshivah, yet it has stirred up little to no buzz among students. For months, promos and trailers for the movie have been placed in extremely costly spots such as The Daily Update, The Flatbush Flash, and The Open House Video. However, random passersby in the Student Commons polled about their thoughts on the film responded with answers such as, “What’s Mishmar? I’ve never heard of that.” Rabbi Rosenblum even stands outside the theater before many showings, offering discounts to students to

just come in and give the movie a try, an unorthodox move that proved to be ineffective as well.

As for the movie itself, the plot is somewhat predictable but production quality is admirable. Then again, my opinions are influenced by the abundance of pizza I consumed throughout the duration of the film. Perhaps the movie would have gotten more traction had Pizza Time pizza been served. The way to the typical high school student’s heart, after all, is through food.

This movie is Rabbi Rosenblum’s passion project and its very mild success was a much-needed rebound from his previous effort, Application: The College Guidance Story.

Many attribute the movie’s lack of profitability to all the free Benny’s Pizza and Archon Credit given to attendants.

Despite the cost, Rabbi Rosenblum deems these provisions “essential to enjoying the art.” In fact, those who turn down the pizza are escorted out of the theater and sent directly to Guidance.

Ultimately, Mishmar: The Movie is a solid production and worth a look, especially if you need to stay in school late.

Just make sure to come hungry. 3 stars.

TV Review

Keeping Up With the Katzoffs

By Jamie Ashkenazie Senior Editor

Season 4 of Keeping Up With the Katzoffs has been even more shocking and unpredictable than the previous seasons.

After last week’s announcement of Ms. Katzoff ’s engagement, AP Chemistry students around the world have been waiting for this Monday to roll around to finally get a glimpse of the engagement party, wedding planning, and her life as a fiancée. They’ve been on the edge of their seats, especially since she hasn’t shown

up to class since last week’s episode aired.

The episode opened up with the engagement party, and the students couldn’t be happier, but then the show took an unexpected turn. Guests continued to arrive and enjoy themselves but Ms. Katzoff never did. I came to a point where she was way past fashionably late.

After the producers, Rabbi Beyda and Ms. Bacon, spent hours searching, Ms. Katzoff was finally found lying unconscious in the street. Witnesses reported that she was forcefully hit by a car on her way to the party. The produc-

ers rushed her to the hospital and, after multiple operations and an extensive recovery, she was released. She’s been stuck at home healing, and her students were forced to learn with Ms. Katzoff ’s archrival Mr. Cohen instead. But don’t worry! Ms. Katzoff was so desperate to teach again that she dedicated the second half of this week’s episode to a chemistry lesson, and has promised that until she is fully recovered and ready to return, she will continue to virtually teach her students through KUWTK.

www.theflatbushphoenix.com | 5

Fun & Games Ask Merkel

By Angela Merkel Chancellor of Germany

Dear Merkel, What does a day in the life of the first female German chancellor look like?

Anonymous Lieber Anonym,

Je d e n Morgen stehe ich um vier Uhr morgens auf, um die Ziegen zu melken, Butter und Jodler zu den Hühnern zu bringen. Die Arbeit eines ehrlichen Morgens in der Farm verbindet eine mit ihren Wurzeln und erinnert sie daran, woher sie kamen. Dann nehme ich meinen stärksten Hosenanzug heraus und esse ein herzhaftes Frühstück mit Butterbrot und siebeneinhalb Würstchen. Dann gehe ich zur Arbeit und diskutiere mit meinen politischen Hochschulen die momentan dringlichsten Angelegenheiten in Deutschland. Wir machen Veto und genehmigen Gesetzesvorlagen und Gesetze, basierend auf der Länge und dem Umfang des Namens. Um fünf Uhr gehe ich zu meinem Mann nach Hause, und wir verbringen einige Zeit miteinander, gehen in die Oper, machen eine Wanderung, besuchen ein Wurstfestival oder jodeln. Dann essen wir zu Abend und ich gehe ins Bett, um noch einen Tag

als erste deutsche Kanzlerin zu beginnen.

Merkel Dear Merkel, I’ve heard so much about how good your wienerschnitzel is. Can you please share your recipe?

Anonymous Lieber Anonym, Mein Wienerschnitzel-Rezept ist seit Generationen in meiner Familie. Kafka sagte zu meinem Urgroßvater, dass es das Beste war, das er je geschmeckt hatte, dass es ihn später dazu inspirierte, Metamorphose zu schreiben. Mein Rezept ist wie folgt: Platzieren Sie jedes Kalbskotelett zwischen zwei Stücke Plastikfolie und klopfen Sie es mit der flachen Seite eines Fleischschlägers bis zu etwa 1/4 Zoll dick. In Mehl eintauchen. Rühren Sie in einer mittelgroßen Schüssel den Parmesankäse, Eier, Petersilie, Salz, Pfeffer, Muskatnuss und Milch zusammen. Legen Sie die Brotkrumen auf einen Teller. Tauchen Sie jedes Kotelett in die Eimasse und drücken Sie dann die Semmelbrösel ein. Beschichtete Schnitz e l auf einen Teller legen und 1 Stunde oder über Nacht im Kühlschrank lagern. Butter in einer großen Pfanne bei mittlerer Hitze schmelzen.

Kochen Sie die panierten Koteletts, bis sie auf jeder Seite gebräunt sind, etwa 3 Minuten pro Seite. Auf eine Servierplatte geben und die Pfannensäfte darüber gießen. Mit Zitronenscheiben garnieren.

Und los gehts!

Merkel

Crossword Puzzle

Dear Merkel, What is your favorite brand of lederhosen?

Anonymous Lieber Anonym, Meine lieblingsmarke für lederhosen war schon immer Ludwig & Therese. Sie haben seit dem 19. Jahrhundert hochwertige materialien hergestellt. Ich habe noch ein paar meiner lederhosen meiner Großmütter von 1921 in meinem Badezimmer.

Merkel Dear Merkel, What places and activities would you suggest to someone visiting Germany for the first time?

Anonymous

The Food Corner Purim is here, and we can all agree that it’s one of our favorite holidays. I mean, who doesn’t like eating tons of candy and dressing up in crazy costumes? Of course, my favorite part of Purim is the Mishteh, when I get to cook for my whole family. When it comes to this meal, I love to get creative, but sometimes having to cook a whole meal and dessert can be overwhelming. So, this year, I decided to shake things up a bit and cook all of my main courses in dessert form! Why not hit two birds with one stone? I can’t wait for you all to try this delicious foossert (see what I did there) at home!

Bologna Cake My first thought when it came to foossert was that I needed to make a cake. If you know me, you know that all of my cakes must have multiple layers separated by lots of frosting. And what better food to stack than bologna? With the salty,

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Lieber Anonym, Es gibt so viele schöne Orte in Deutschland zu besuchen, unser Land ist wunderschön. Zu meinen Favoriten zählen die Stadt Kölns, die von deutschen Markenzeichenstilen geprägt ist, die historische Stadt Dresden, der Ostseebad Lübeck. Aber ich bin sicher, Trip Advisor hat bessere Vorschläge.

Merkel Dear Merkel, Have you ever been to Oktoberfest?

What’s it like? What’s your favorite part about it?

Anonymous Lieber Anonym, Ja. Und bier und viel davon.

Merkel

By Danielle Mehani garlicky taste of bologna, a pareve sour cream frosting is the perfect topping. Call Gordon Ramsay—I think I’m onto something here.

Ingredients: • 1 lb sliced bologna • 2 tbsp grated onions • 8 oz package of vegan sour cream • 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce • 1 package Ritz crackers Directions: • Mix softened sour cream, worchestershire sauce and grated onions • Place a slice of bologna on a plate, smear it with a layer sour cream “frosting,” and repeat the process until all bologna is used.

• Ice the cake with the rest of the sour cream mixture (And lick the bowl while you’re at it. I know you want to!)

• Crumble ritz crackers on top of the cake and enjoy!

Standard of Fabulous Coolest. T-Shirt. Ever. Interview with a Glampire Moncler Designer Rachel Moncler Talks Coat Dresses

By Sarit Alkadaa Fashion Editor

By Celia Banbahji

Not sure whether the party you’re going to is casual or fancy? I’ve encountered this same situation multiple times, which is why I’m so excited to announce that Balenciaga has the solution. Behold, the stylish “T-shirt shirt,” a casual T-shirt with a dressy button-down attached! Paired together, this shirt will have you looking fabulous no matter the occasion. Go straight from basketball game to job interview, and look great doing it. The best part is the price: an absolute steal at $1,290. Imagine the stress that’s taken off your back, and the style that’s added to your front. Order yours now before it’s completely sold out!

Fashion Editor

Warmest Gown in Town

SOF: How did you come up with this fabulous idea?

Moncler: It was the idea of having a coat and a jacket in one that was strikingly to me. Working as a head designer for Moncler, I was always pushed and pressured to come up with the greatest ideas. Living in 2019, everything you begin to think of has probably already been done before. The coat dress has surprisingly not been, and I’m shocked at that, because who doesn’t want a coat and dress in one? During a winter party?

What more can you ask for? I’m shocked it wasn’t done before. I’m proud of myself on this one.

SOF: It’s going to be hard to top this trend that’s for sure. So, where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?

Moncler: Obviously I love combining different articles of clothing into one, so I hope to keep doing that for years to come. Who know what fantastic combinations I’ll come up with next? Sneaker pants? Tank top eyeglasses? Underwear gloves? A T-shirt with a button-down shirt attached to the front? The possibilities are infinite!

By Sarit Alkadaa Fashion Editor

Winter’s behind us but, even with the weather warming up, it is crucial to incorporate coats into every aspect of fashion. We here at Standard of Fabulous know the struggle that ladies face at weddings, engagement parties, and classes in room 205: it is just too cold! Well, don’t fret, Moncler’s got you covered.

Moncler recently announced a new fashionable addition: Puffer coat gowns. These gowns have a stylish glossy effect with a cute, bubble-shaped bottom.

The gowns look just like your average puffer coat, just a dot longer. You know what that means—no more struggling to find a coat that matches your dress!

I know what you’re thinking—you’re glad your entire body will be covered in elegant parka, but what about your hands? Not to worry. Many of these gowns come with matching gloves as well!

These stylish items give off the same effect: puffy, glossy, and to die for! What more can a girl ask for?

Not only are these dresses super cute, but they come in a tremendous variety of colors as well, so you can seem as lively as ever. Personally, I would pair up maroon gloves with an exquisite army-green gown, along with a mustard yellow coat.

The perfect match!

And don’t you worry, these dresses cost only $2,710! How can something be so convenient and so cheap at the same time? The gloves, which I highly recommend, cost an additional $1,500, and you can add a matching puffer coat for around $2,100. Altogether, this remarkable outfit will cost you a mere $6,310, or roughly the cost of lunch for four at Crawford’s.

Stay warm, stay fashionable, and stay puffed!

Fashion Fact: The first lipstick, invented in the 1600s, was an actual wooden stick that was stapled to a woman’s lips. Irritation from the stapling caused the lips to take on a deep red color, a trend that is still popular today.

SOF: How do you manage to stay up to date with the trends and know what the people in the fashion world want to see and want to wear?

Moncler: I don’t want to brag, but it’s not easy. Coming up with the coat dress idea was one of my biggest accomplishments to this day, and one of my biggest moments. What I’ve learned in the past few years in this industry is that you don’t let the “wearers” tell you what they want to see; rather, you give them what you believe is best for them to wear.

Fashion is not a choice, it’s a decree.

SOF: What advice do you have for aspiring fashion designers?

Moncler: Be ready to fight. Fight hard for what you want. As I’m sure you’re all aware, this business isn’t easy.

Don’t ever change yourself for anyone.

If you like something, pursue it. Even if every single person on Earth tells you it’s a terrible idea. I saw a vision of the coat dress, and I chased after that dream and made it happen, even though everyone—and I mean everyone—told me I shouldn’t. So my advice is to just ignore the critics. And the consumers. And the other people you work with. If you want to make a dress out of coats, make a dress out of coats!

www.theflatbushphoenix.com | 7

Sports Pool Will Replace Laniado Gym Flatbush Falconry Takes Off

By Jack H. Dweck

rid of the Laniado Gym and replacing it with a pool. Proponents of the proposed Sports Editor plan for a pool include the boys HockAthletic Director Eric Amkraut, on ey team, the Baseball team, and the Volan Instagram press conference hosted by leyball team. “It’s about time this school David Dweck, made a very exciting an- finally got a pool,” Hockey captain Rafi nouncement earlier this week: the hope- Nemet declared. lessly dilapidated Laniado Gym, with its Against all odds, the new Synchroold scoreboard, its buckling floorboards, nized Swimming team, filled with uncoand its crumbling bleachers, will finally ordinated 15-year-olds, has a chance to be demolwin a title, ished. as Flatbush In its is the only place, Flatschool that bush will be competes in building a this soonswimming to-be-popupool for the lar sport.

Ye s h i v a h ’s Coach newest team: Gelber, who boys synchrowas instrunized swimmental in ming.

Led the foundSynchronized swimming practice

by Coaches ing of synMike Gelchronized ber and Mike Gurock, the synchronized swimming, stated, “It has been my dream swimming team will be a new, innovative to share this beautiful gift with an eager way for students to stay active. group of students, which I cherish with According to JV Synchronized Swim- all my heart. I really want them to be hapming captain Simon Masry, “A new, py, and I hope synchronized swimming state-of-the-art aquatic facility is long will make Flatbush students happy.” overdue. We used to have to play in the Coaches Gelber and Gurock have alold, flooded art room because that was ways had an urge to help kids. They bethe only place that had enough room for lieve that the new pool that is set to reus to swim.” place the dump that we call the Laniado A student body survey suggests that Gym will be a step in the right direction. almost all students are in favor of getting

A girls team will debut next year

By Sam Beyda Editor-in-Chief

On March 7, the Flatbush Falcons soared—literally—to a second place finish at the first-ever MYHSAL Falconry competition.

Boys Falconry team captain Perry Sanders had high praise for his teammates and his falcon, accrediting the win to a “good build-up of chemistry over the past two years.” Sanders, of course, is referring to the head start the Falconry team received in the spring of 2017, before a league for Falconry was even a thought in the MYHSAL commissioner’s head.

The team is led by Coach Rabbi Galpert, who had his first experience bonding with birds in the spring of 2017 as well.

Practices are held twice weekly in the

auxiliary gym after school. The sport focuses on a bird of prey’s innate skills and habits, flying overhead until it spots a target, then swooping down and attacking with its talons. The team’s peregrine falcon, Freddy, can fly up to 217 miles per hour and drop 300 feet in one second, easily killing a rabbit or pheasant.

In the stands at this month’s meet was AD Eric Amkraut, who was inspired by what he witnessed and hopes to add another falcon to the team for next season.

He said, “We’re in a tough situation because the right bird costs over a million dollars, but luckily I have a few donors lined up. Next year we might have a Dweck Family Falcon, that’s all I can say.”

What’s clear is that the Falconry team is set to dominate the league for years to come. Go Falcons!

Sportsman Spotlight: Amber “The Trampler” Long

By Ezra Faks Senior Editor

Flatbush’s newest head of College Guidance is well loved by everyone at school, but many students find Ms. Long a bit intimidating due to her encyclopedic knowledge of colleges and, most notably, her past as a professional wrestler.

As a three-time world champion in the ring, Ms. Long was known as by her stage name, “The Flying-When-Denying, Amazing Amber ‘The Trampler’ Long.” She was even recently recognized

by Wrestlers Weekly as one the “greatest wrestlers and college guidance counselors to ever grace G-d’s green earth,” and she often boasts that she got a perfect score on the SAT (Sleeper holds, Atomic wedgies, and Tomahawks).

Few of her students were surprised to learn about Ms. Long’s unorthodox past. “At College Night I was talking to the head of admissions at Drexel and he basically told me I had no shot of getting in,” said an anonymous senior. “I told Ms. Long and she leapt off the table, performing a perfect flying dutchman 360 windmill slam on the poor man. Needless to say, after he woke up from the coma, I got accepted!”

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This raises the question of why Ms. Long retired from wrestling to focus full time on college guidance. “Believe it or not, these two careers have a lot in common. I used to force people to submit in the ring, and now I force people to click ‘Submit’ in the Common App,” she explained. “You know, I find that many of the skills I learned while wrestling really translate to my new career working with high school students. Determination, hard work, and grit are essential for both. And when that doesn’t work, brute strength or bribery are solid backup plans.”

Recent reports revealed that, much like the student body, the rest of her department is a little intimidated by Ms. Long’s skills. Rabbi Rosenblum has been seen wearing his old hockey gear to department meetings, “just in case.” They will need to build yet another expansion of the college guidance offices to have more space to house their trophies, so get ready to move back to the trailers.

When she heard about Flatbush’s wrestling team she decided to pay them a visit at their most recent meet. If you have any information about their current whereabouts please contact the police immediately.

Ms. Long shows off her moves to Ms. Dressler