The Fauxnix A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 54, Issue 6 • Purim 2020 / 5780
Sikowitz to replace Beyda as principal By Danielle Mehani Entertainment Editor
Erwin Sikowitz, the acting teacher at Hollywood Arts High School in Los Angeles, is moving all the way to Brooklyn, New York—to become the new principal at the Yeshivah of Flatbush. After the release of Victorious on Netflix, the high school reality television show starring Sikowitz, Flatbush students were truly inspired by his teaching techniques and have voted to overthrow Principal Rabbi Beyda. Students reached out to Sikowitz through TheSlap.com and offered him unlimited coconut milk as a part of his salary. Sikowitz is known for teaching many important life lessons that he writes on the board every day before class, something that students at Flatbush can really benefit from. “Improv is like fine cheese, but not really,” Sikowitz once wrote. This quote left Flatbush students in awe, never having heard such motivational words outside of Seminar. Soon this quote was
seen scribbled on classroom walls and ly—for team purposes, of course. student’s notebooks. Since then, grades Leaving Hollywood Arts was hard have signififor Sikowitz, so cantly imhe did come to proved and Flatbush with attendance has a list of furincreased. The ther demands YOF school for the school board believes board, as that, with more shown below. inspiration “A coconut from Sikowvending maitz, Flatbush chine MUST can become be added to the leading yethe Crawford’s shivah in the Cafe so that I country. can get my daiHaving ly serving of been the ping coconut milk.” pong team “My mothRabbi Sikowitz has big plans coach back at er MUST be Hollywood banned from Arts, Sikowitz wishes to make the Flat- the Flatbush premises. Every time she bush team the best. He has already de- comes to visit, she hurts my feelings.” manded from the school team jerseys, a “A pay raise would be nice. Tie-dyed van for away games, and $1,500 annual- clothing is back in style and becoming
rather pricey.” “A new PearTV MUST be installed in my classroom so I can play my acting reel on a continuous loop—for educational purposes, of course.” “Have security stop searching my satchel every morning. What’s inside a man’s satchel should be private.” On top of all this, Sikowitz will be receiving a classroom on the first floor of the building so that he can come and go through the window, and the janitors have been told to sweep the sidewalk around the school every morning because Sikowitz refuses to wear shoes. It is well known that if you hand Sikowitz two dollars before entering school in the morning as he sits on the side of the building, you can receive extra credit in his class. The board has agreed to comply with every one of Sikowitz’s requests, and he will take over as principal on the next Rosh Chodesh.
Russia meddling in Color Galpert takes on more jobs War, FBI confirms By Bonnie Melamed Senior Editor
By Diana Gindi School News Editor
A massive team of Russian operatives have been scheming for months in a covert effort to disrupt the upcoming Color War, FBI officials confirmed. Russia sent hackers and spies into the Yeshivah to assist in perpetrating Russia’s largest interference scheme yet, the FBI
In This Issue
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Rabbi Dushey calls his boss said. U.S. intelligence officials briefed Rabbi Beyda and Ms. Marcus about the Russian plot last week. “Every year, kids joke that Color War is fixed,” Ms. Marcus said. “Well, this year it’s no joke.” Federal agents uncovered multiple inflammatory social media posts and memes designed to plant false ideas in
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Entertainment: Mauskop drops rap album Page 6
Due to the acceptance of over 180 freshman students this year, many departments in the school feel overwhelmed by the amount of work necessary to meet the needs of all the students. The Pathfinders department, Crawford’s employees, and the Chanies all complained that they need an extra set of hands to meet the demands of Yeshivah of Flatbush students. To fill these gaps, the administration has promoted Rabbi David Galpert as a new Pathfinders, Crawford’s, and Chanies stand-in, since he has the most free time on his hands out of the entire faculty. Senior Esther Spigel testified that Rabbi Galpert has more free time than he does have actual work to do: “Yeah, it’s like when I go into his office we’re always making jokes that he never has anything to do.” Rabbi Galpert will be sending e-mails daily to the entire school on behalf of the Pathfinders team to alert the students about new summer internships, which
Fashion: Novetsky and Cohen launch fashion label Page 7
“I have absolutely nothing to do! speakers they can attend, and how to sign up for educational trips. He will also be chaperoning every trip. The Chanies feel that the second-lunch rush has become extremely intense and crowded, and they do not have enough hands on deck to handle it. Rabbi Galpert, in addition to ringing
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Sports: TikTok team has the moves Page 8 www.theflatbushphoenix.com | 1