The Fauxnix A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 54, Issue 6 • Purim 2020 / 5780
Sikowitz to replace Beyda as principal By Danielle Mehani Entertainment Editor
Erwin Sikowitz, the acting teacher at Hollywood Arts High School in Los Angeles, is moving all the way to Brooklyn, New York—to become the new principal at the Yeshivah of Flatbush. After the release of Victorious on Netflix, the high school reality television show starring Sikowitz, Flatbush students were truly inspired by his teaching techniques and have voted to overthrow Principal Rabbi Beyda. Students reached out to Sikowitz through TheSlap.com and offered him unlimited coconut milk as a part of his salary. Sikowitz is known for teaching many important life lessons that he writes on the board every day before class, something that students at Flatbush can really benefit from. “Improv is like fine cheese, but not really,” Sikowitz once wrote. This quote left Flatbush students in awe, never having heard such motivational words outside of Seminar. Soon this quote was
seen scribbled on classroom walls and ly—for team purposes, of course. student’s notebooks. Since then, grades Leaving Hollywood Arts was hard have signififor Sikowitz, so cantly imhe did come to proved and Flatbush with attendance has a list of furincreased. The ther demands YOF school for the school board believes board, as that, with more shown below. inspiration “A coconut from Sikowvending maitz, Flatbush chine MUST can become be added to the leading yethe Crawford’s shivah in the Cafe so that I country. can get my daiHaving ly serving of been the ping coconut milk.” pong team “My mothRabbi Sikowitz has big plans coach back at er MUST be Hollywood banned from Arts, Sikowitz wishes to make the Flat- the Flatbush premises. Every time she bush team the best. He has already de- comes to visit, she hurts my feelings.” manded from the school team jerseys, a “A pay raise would be nice. Tie-dyed van for away games, and $1,500 annual- clothing is back in style and becoming
rather pricey.” “A new PearTV MUST be installed in my classroom so I can play my acting reel on a continuous loop—for educational purposes, of course.” “Have security stop searching my satchel every morning. What’s inside a man’s satchel should be private.” On top of all this, Sikowitz will be receiving a classroom on the first floor of the building so that he can come and go through the window, and the janitors have been told to sweep the sidewalk around the school every morning because Sikowitz refuses to wear shoes. It is well known that if you hand Sikowitz two dollars before entering school in the morning as he sits on the side of the building, you can receive extra credit in his class. The board has agreed to comply with every one of Sikowitz’s requests, and he will take over as principal on the next Rosh Chodesh.
Russia meddling in Color Galpert takes on more jobs War, FBI confirms By Bonnie Melamed Senior Editor
By Diana Gindi School News Editor
A massive team of Russian operatives have been scheming for months in a covert effort to disrupt the upcoming Color War, FBI officials confirmed. Russia sent hackers and spies into the Yeshivah to assist in perpetrating Russia’s largest interference scheme yet, the FBI
In This Issue
School News: Vote Mike for Senior Council! Page 3
Rabbi Dushey calls his boss said. U.S. intelligence officials briefed Rabbi Beyda and Ms. Marcus about the Russian plot last week. “Every year, kids joke that Color War is fixed,” Ms. Marcus said. “Well, this year it’s no joke.” Federal agents uncovered multiple inflammatory social media posts and memes designed to plant false ideas in
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Entertainment: Mauskop drops rap album Page 6
Due to the acceptance of over 180 freshman students this year, many departments in the school feel overwhelmed by the amount of work necessary to meet the needs of all the students. The Pathfinders department, Crawford’s employees, and the Chanies all complained that they need an extra set of hands to meet the demands of Yeshivah of Flatbush students. To fill these gaps, the administration has promoted Rabbi David Galpert as a new Pathfinders, Crawford’s, and Chanies stand-in, since he has the most free time on his hands out of the entire faculty. Senior Esther Spigel testified that Rabbi Galpert has more free time than he does have actual work to do: “Yeah, it’s like when I go into his office we’re always making jokes that he never has anything to do.” Rabbi Galpert will be sending e-mails daily to the entire school on behalf of the Pathfinders team to alert the students about new summer internships, which
Fashion: Novetsky and Cohen launch fashion label Page 7
“I have absolutely nothing to do! speakers they can attend, and how to sign up for educational trips. He will also be chaperoning every trip. The Chanies feel that the second-lunch rush has become extremely intense and crowded, and they do not have enough hands on deck to handle it. Rabbi Galpert, in addition to ringing
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Sports: TikTok team has the moves Page 8 www.theflatbushphoenix.com | 1
Faculty Freshman:
Dr. Wolowelsky
By Kaden Harari Junior Editor
As months morph into years and modern buildings are constructed, Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School boasts an ever-evolving faculty. The most recent addition to the crew is Rabbi Dr. Joel B. Wolowelsky, who apparently “shows great promise,” according to Rabbi Beyda’s standards. Upon being hired, Dr. Wolowelsky was warmly welcomed into the Tanakh department, and his colleagues have extolled his impressively vast bank of knowledge. One was even overheard expressing her concern over becoming outdated and extraneous if Dr. Wolowelsky proceeds to climb up the ladder
of stature within the school. She fearfully whispered, “I’m slightly intimidated. … This is ridiculous! Rabbi Galpert couldn’t stop raving about the potential he sees in this newbie. What will become of us veterans?” Nevertheless, not everything is as it seems. Dr. Wolowelsky’s first lesson left students with mixed attitudes toward the class. A number of ninth-year Tanakh students hesitantly received his style. It has been reported that students were frequently forced into reading an Op-Ed article that consists of nothing relating to Sefer Bereshit—the topic at hand. Similarly, senior Isaac Sutton complained, “I just want to learn Tanakh, but tomorrow isn’t looking so favorable in doing so; what even is culture day?!” Students admitted that there was an aura of mysteriousness surrounding Dr. Wolowelsky’s “thorough storytelling and in-depth learning,” which aroused their suspicion. Others exited the classroom with overwhelmingly positive reviews, feeling enlightened and awestruck; “Doc must have had a rigorous education,” remarks junior Etty Jajati, “His precision to detail made me feel as if he lived through the times of Abraham and Sarah!” Little do they know. Indeed, he has experienced the times of Abraham and Sarah. There is a secret lurking in the shadows of Dr. Wolowelsky’s past—a past that did not even include a high school diploma, all the more so “rigorous education.” Instead of receiving a formal educa-
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Flatbush Family:
The electrifying Engels
Mr. Engel with his two sons
By Rose Sternberg Religion Editor
Every Flatbush student is familiar with the amusing antics of the group consisting of Mr. Justin Engel, Sam Cohen, and Ari Weingarten. Now they are reportedly taking their act to the next level, as they plan to become a traveling circus troupe known as “The Electrifying Engels.” The act includes Mr. Engel as the ringmaster, running the circus like he runs his class; Sam, with his incredible disappearing act and feats of magic; and Ari performing daring tricks on his unicycle.
The group has been training for months, practicing multiple tricks and slights of hand without anyone noticing. For example, you didn’t really think Mr. Engel was that tall, did you? In reality, he’s been learning to walk on two-foottall stilts. Or have you noticed that Sam is never in class? If not, then it’s because he’s perfected the skill of slipping out of class unnoticed, seemingly disappearing. Seriously, he hasn’t been to class in two months! “This was simply a trial run,” Mr. Engel explained when asked what brought them to Flatbush. “We wanted to see how
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Four years for the rest of humanity Alumnus interview: Tony Stark (HS ’96)
By Raquel Silvera Editor-in-Chief
At Flatbush, the high school experience truly embodies our slogan: four years for the rest of your life. One of the school’s most beloved alumni, genius bil-
lionaire Tony Stark, has attested to that very sentiment and was kind enough to grace The Phoenix with an exclusive interview in which he got very personal. When asked about how his interest in engineering and robotics were sparked, it was almost obvious that he had Mr. Robertson’s robotics team and coding class to thank for his skills. “Without Flatbush who knows where I would be, I could’ve gone to any high school I wanted but I knew Flatbush’s engineering programs were unbeatable,” Stark explained. He then attributed his unwavering wit to Ms. Bloom, who taught him the art of speech and rhetoric in AP Lang, and who helped him create his whole persona. Stark has donated millions to the school and often comes in for a bagel with cream cheese from the Chanies or occasionally a Kedem instant soup. He claims that out of all the cuisine he’s tried throughout his world travels, the Chanies’ is still unbeatable. While in Flatbush, Stark took Tse
The Phoenix Staff Editor-in-Chief: Raquel Silvera Managing Editor: Jayne Haddad Senior Editors: Claudine Hadef, Bonnie Melamed School News Editors: Diana Gindi, Stella Lessler Religion Editor: Rose Sternberg World News Editor: Sarah Dagmy Entertainment Editors: Rachel Lincer, Danielle Mehani
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U’lmads such as nuclear physics, intense math problem-solving, and nutrition. He claims Senora Birman’s Zumba moves have helped him keep in shape all these years. He admitted that although he is the epitome of cool nowadays, he was quite the nerd in high school and shut most people out, especially after both his parents died when he was just 17. He says his SAFE classes helped him through that difficult time. Stark said his greatest motivation in creating Stark Industries as well as in his side hustle as the most sarcastic member of the Avengers is the positive impact he has on people’s lives all over the country—as well as the great Pathfinders internship Ms. Hanon found for him, of course. His technology is unprecedented and his imagination is otherworldly. While some might say that the Hulk or perhaps Captain America is more impressive than Stark’s Iron Man, his brains prove to be just as invaluable as supernat-
Food Editor: Sarina Shalom Fashion Editors: Rose Kurland, OrDavid Menashe Fun & Games Editor: Reuben Goldstein Sports Editor: Nathan Sidaoui Junior Editors: Carole Cohen, Terri Elmann, Kaden Harari, Michael Oved, Jennifer Salzman Sophomore Editors: Elie Esses, Nicole Muravsky Staff Writters: Sylvia Mizrahi, Natalie Ryba Design: Carolina Cohen Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter
ural or lab-made powers. Stark also expressed how important it is to him to take part in pro bono projects such as mentoring a young man from Queens and turning him into the Amazing Spider-Man. And in his free time, though he doesn’t get much of it, Stark also enjoys spending quality time with his fiancée Pepper Pots and talking to his computerized assistant JARVIS. He also finds pleasure in flying over California skies to clear his head. He hasn’t had an easy life: he has shrapnel in his heart and has seen things most people would never believe, even after he saved the world from intergalactic monsters multiple times. But Stark made it a point to add, “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Flatbush taught me to overcome challenges through school and Seminar. How different is an alien invasion from an argument with Ms. Kaplowitz? After surviving four years at Flatbush, saving the world is a snap.”
High School Administration Rabbi Raymond Harari, Head of School Rabbi Joseph Beyda, Principal Ms. Sari Bacon, Associate Principal Ms. Esther Hidary, Assistant Principal / Director of Admissions
Rabbi Kramer revealed Security Mikes running as famous posek RABAK for Senior Council “Rabbi Kramer” is an anachronistic blessing no longer in disguise. It was hard enough for Rabbi Kramer to juggle being a style icon and beloved teacher, so he felt that sooner or later he would crack under pressure if he went on without revealing the truth. Rabbi Kramer expressed, “I am … shh … so excited that I can … shh … finally embrace … shh … my true self and teach my talmidot with my whole heart.” Truly inspiring words from a great sage. Ever noticed how stylish and avant-garde his ties are? That’s because he borrows from his study buddy and fashion icon, the Rambam. After modeling his ties and kippot clips on the The RABAK in action cover of Jewish Legends magazine, Rabbi Kramer gave them a statement saying that he requests to be referred to only as the moniker RABAK. By Jayne Haddad Frustrated with having to live a douManaging Editor ble life all these years, the RABAK’s outAs of just last week it has come out let was to give his students wacky and that our very own Talmud teacher Rabbi cute nicknames like “Mim” for Mimi or Kramer has secretly been concealing his “Jizayle” for Gisele. true identity: the RABAK, a prestigious The “historic legend of a holier time” Talmudic thinker from the era of the has also asked that autographs and paRishonim. Posing as Rabbi Benji Kram- parazzi be kept to a minimum and for er, the RABAK has truly fooled us all. He students to try and refrain from fainting has been fooling students into thinking in his presence. He even claims a student that his side job was comedy, with his had proposed to him when she found out undeniably hilarious jokes, puns, and of his great lineage. water bottle smacking. Superfan Sarah Frastai shared, “BeHis students knew that his weekly ing taught by such a celebrity has made parashat hashavua lessons were intense it hard for me to focus, and I can’t help and powerful, but are now stunned by pestering him for selfies and information how lucky they’ve been to have him as about his son’s wedding in Israel. I even their teacher considering he was born kept a piece of floss he pulled out of his sometime between 1000-1400 CE. pocket when he returned my phone.”
Slip ’N Slide installed in Student Commons By Stella Lessler School News Editor
As Flatbush continues to grow in numbers, the administration is continuously looking for new and innovative ideas on how to increase the speed and efficiency of traffic in the Student Commons. At the most recent meeting regarding this issue, an idea proposed by senior Ikey Dweck was brought to the administration’s attention. The innovative senior proposed that a Slip ’N Slide be placed in the Commons in order to increase the speed of traffic in the hallway. The Slip ’N Slide would begin at near the elevator and extend all the way to the entrance of the library, with a smaller, connected Slip ’N Slide branching off the main route to create an makeshift “exit” into the Crawford’s area. “This idea could of course be extended throughout the entire school,” Dweck suggested when asked about the potential future applications of this new technology. He even proposed the revolutionary idea that a traditional twisty Senior Joey Blanka heads to class slide be installed from the 4th floor
By Carole Cohen Junior Editor
Senior Council Vice President Mike Kameo has just announced that he is resigning from his position. “I had to focus on getting into Yale,” said Kameo. He is a hard working student who maintains a 97.7988 average and allegedly received a “1780 on [his] ACT.” When asked who he worked with as a junior, he responded, “A top of the line ACT tutoring company called I am Smart Tutors. I also work there every Sunday.” With one man out, Ms. Marcus will be holding a special election to determine Kameo’s replacement. “We need a new Mike, so I’ve decided to limit the candidates to people named Mike,” Ms. Marcus explained. For that reason, all three Mikes from the security staff are competing against each other for Senior Council. Just like any election, our candidates have slogans. “Vote for Mike, I can ride a bike!” This is the slogan of beloved security guard Mike. You might be wondering, what does this mean? Mike responds, “It’s a unique talent I have.” Our next candidate, Mike, has an even more eccentric slogan. “Vote for me, or else...” He promises to make the school better by “taking away the SATs and rewarding all students with a 68 average a triple lunch.” He also promises to continue upholding the school’s strict uber eats policy as he knows many students approve. This scared the two other Mikes in the election. In response, both Mikes formed a coalition against Mike. While they had an official “security dinner” one night, Mike and Mike decided to go to Mike’s bathroom and place purple die in his shampoo. It was a bad night for Mike. Mike’s slogan is “Do it right, vote for Mike!” While his slogan doesn’t quite rhyme and is extremely vague, he claims his slogan is basic but powerful. He added, “I’m not sure what I’ll do for these seniors, but it’ll be good.” Making matters even more confusing, all three Mike’s have the same campaign manager. Junior Perla Berkovitz explained that, as part of the school’s AV squad, she is in charge of all the mikes, so she had no choice. During 7th period this Wednesday, the Mikes will go head to head at Crawford’s. They’ll read speeches and try to
to the sub-basement so students could save time when going to gym and lunch throughout the day, and that the Slip ’N Slides be extended out of the front doors and all the way down Avenue J so that he could “get an uzi from Baguette Express faster.” The administration was surprisingly agreeable. “It’s a fantastic idea,” Rabbi Beyda stated, “one of the best ideas Flatbush has heard in YEARS.” Rabbi Beyda was so impressed by the idea he decided to fast track it through the approval process and have it installed as soon as possible. To cover the cost of the project, Rabbi Beyda stated they would simply grab funding from the main education budget, as “learning how
Mike (top), Mike (middle) and Mike (bottom) convince the student body why they should be a part of the Senior Council. All three Mikes expressed confidence about the election, but especially Mike. “At the end of my speech, I’m going to drop the Mike,” he said. “And then I’m going to drop the other Mike.” To vote for your favorite Mike, please go to www.mikevsmikevsmike.com.
to Slip ’N Slide properly is a fundamental part of a student’s education here at Flatbush. It teaches them grace, speed, and as always Derech Eretz.” The faculty was on board as well. “Anything that gets my students to class on time has to be a good idea,” Ms. Kaplowitz said. “But it would be nice if they would towel off before walking into the classroom.” The Slip ’N Slide system will be dedicated to the senior class of 2020, as it was their brilliant minds that thought up the idea in the first place. “This will be their everlasting legacy in Flatbush” remarked Rabbi Beyda.
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Russia meddling with Color War, FBI confirms continued from front page
the minds of Color War judges by smearing specific grades and their team generals, Marcus explained. A recently declassified FBI report shows that Ms. Pat Musco and Rabbi Max Dushey, two trusted faculty members at the Yeshivah, have been working alongside the Russian government for years in preparation for this year’s takeover. Ms. Musco, who has been working at the Yeshivah for over five years, was flown in from Russia to begin the operation in 2014. Ms. Musco successfully has been gaining trust from the Yeshivah’s administration, as well as the entire security staff, which helped her introduce the idea of “fingerprinting” to the school. While the administration and student body were led to believe that scanning fingerprints in the morning is simply for attendance purposes, Ms. Musco was able to collect student data via finger scanning for years. She then shared it with her handlers in Russia so they could target which students’ potential victories in Color War would cause the most chaos and disruption at Flatbush. Another Russian hacker, who had just arrived last year, was sent as Ms. Musco’s backup as Color War 2020 slowly approaches. Rabbi Dushey was given the task of handling the attendance in late 2018 and has discreetly been collecting data from the students from the moment he arrived.
What Ms. Musco and Rabbi Dushey plan to do, according to the FBI, is to gather information about the students, as well as data from the past Color Wars, to skew the results of the “war” in favor of the students that they feel are unfit for the victory in order to throw the school into anarchy and weaken its international standing. The revelation that the two people overseeing attendance and dress code violations have been working for a foreign government sent shockwaves throughout the student body, who are suddenly wondering whom they can trust. “If Rabbi Dushey is a Russian spy, then maybe I haven’t been absent as many times as he says,” suggested senior Rose Kurland, arguing that her spotty attendance record is simply a Russian hoax. Other students had similar thoughts. “I knew there was no way I missed minyan 38 times last semester!” declared sophomore Elliot Almaghrabi. “Some people blame my alarm clock but I know it’s really the Russians.” Frequent skirt violators were equally appalled. “I just can’t believe that Pat is working for the Russians,” said one anonymous junior. “I really thought she cared about me when she yelled at me about my skirt length, but I guess she just wanted me to cover up for the cold Russian winters.”
Galpert takes on more jobs continued from front page
up lunches, will be the chef behind the scenes in the sub-basement. When you smell split pea soup or the sweet aroma of caramelized red onions in the hallways, you’ll know it’s Rabbi Galpert preparing lunch for the entire school. Rabbi Galpert, however, is not only limited to serving and making lunch downstairs, but since a lot of his free time is spent in the cafe, Crawford’s has recruited Rabbi Galpert to make paninis and acai bowls. Last but not least, since the new building elevator is not as speedy and efficient as Rabbi Galpert, he will be available to carry any student with an elevator pass to their desired location in the school. As the student you have the option to have Rabbi Galpert sweep you off your feet and carry you like a fairy-tale princess, or you may choose to be piggy-backed up the stairs. Rabbi Galpert explained, however, that he would like everyone to keep in mind, “BOUNDARIES! Only male students will be allowed, and I prefer to carry them on my back. We’ll move faster that way.” Because Rabbi Galpert will be taking on many jobs, and has admitted to napping in the back of the Graphic Design
By Rose Sternberg Religion Editor
As we near the end of the year, we realize who are our closest friends are. The stress of APs and finals are looming, homework is piling up, and tensions are rising. The closer you get to the end of the year, the more you notice it. But that isn’t all you notice. You notice that other students seem friendlier, you seem to be becoming more popular, everyone is asking for special favors because you’ve become oh so close. Are these people really your friends? When it comes down to it, what is friendship really? Is it giving them the notes that they’ve missed (all year), or is it them being the shoulder to cry on when the stress gets to be too much? Who are the friends whom you want to carry with you into the coming years. The first parashah that we read in the Torah is Bereshit, and it begins with how G-d creates the world; it ends with a haftarah from the story of David and Jonathan. This parashah is the perfect parashah to begin the Torah—the perfect metaphor of what life should be. It embodies all the core values of life. The creation of your world, such as what you do, where you live, and where you go. Then there is man’s sin and the punishment, exemplifying the hurdles and stumbles in our life and how they’re overcome. And, last but not least, we end with the haftarah, the story of Jonathan saving David’s life from his father and
their promise to stay by each other’s side and always support each other. This story is the perfect example of what friendship should be. Jonathan is willing to risk his rule for his greatest friend David, he’s willing to put his life at risk to warn him of Saul’s wrath, and above all he promises to give all he is to David, and David does so in return, just so that nothing could come between them. They are the greatest example of friendship; willing to put their lives in each other’s hands, to trust each other with their whole being, to put each other first, ahead of anyone else. They became so close they were like brothers, even closer than that with a bond intended to last for generations. That’s what friendship is. It’s giving your whole being to another person, flaws and all, and knowing they will do so in return. It’s being so close to them that they literally know your every secret as though they were truly a sibling that you were raised with. They are the shoulder to cry on, the person to rely on when everything is collapsing. So yes, you should build your world and try your hardest to overcome life’s obstacles, but realistically speaking, eventually those things are going to fail or become too difficult, and when they do, only those true friends are going to be there to pick you back up. Those friends who you carry with you in the coming years should also be the ones that carry you. Have a great Simchat Torah!
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Galpert in his new role room—the only room that locks on the outside—on Fridays when he gets bored, the staff bathroom on the first floor of the new building will be converted into a bedroom for him to stay in when necessary. Finally, Rabbi Galpert will be working around the clock, and literally never have to leave the building! Rabbi Galpert expressed how eager he is to join more departments in the school. “I’m excited to see what my new jobs have in store. I was waiting for some sort of promotion; sleeping in the back of Ms. Cohen’s classroom is getting old.”
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The things you’ll carry
Flatbush Family: The electrifying Engels
Faculty Freshman: Dr. Wolowelsky tion, he dropped out of school in eighth grade after being held back too many times, and went on to spend his years perfecting his (no longer) classified time machine, the Ray Dee-Us version 3.14. Fed up with schooling systems, this groundbreaking innovation grants “Doc” the privilege to visit the past as he
D’var Torah:
pleases; learning through experience is the most valuable learning, after all. His lack of schooling provides reason to his well-rounded character and to his being well-versed in a multitude of subjects—except for mathematics. “There is logic as to why the road not taken is in fact not taken. Math is dangerous terri-
the act would be received. These past few months were spent perfecting our acts, polishing them and making them seamless.” He further stated that the experience has taught them many new tricks. Mr. Engel has now learned both how to “juggle my personal and professional lives” and how to “jump through the hoops of students requests.” Sam has learned fantastic contorting feats and can now touch the tip of his nose with his tongue, as well as magically vanishing all his cuts and detentions. Even Ari has expanded his
act to include comedy, both verbal and physical (Gotta love prosthetics. What, you thought he actually looked like Engel?), and a trick called “The Diablo.” Now the group plans to take their talent to the next level as they go on tour, beginning at Mr. Engel’s classroom and ending at Sam’s hometown in the library. “If this tour is a success, then we might look into getting a bigger venue,” Mr. Engel finished. “Maybe America’s Got Talent, or, even better: shaking Lunch-andListen up a little!”
tory, an abyss of darkness that I wouldn’t dare look down. Anyway, it doesn’t make a difference that one plus one is 11,” asserts the rabbi/doctor, “as I am fortunately a teacher here without it.” Apparently, Dr. Wolowelsky’s background was too unimpressive to be mentioned in his original job interview. On what premise was he hired, you ask? According to the notes found in locked drawers of the office, the mere “Joel B.” present on Dr. Wolowelsky’s birth certificate was sufficient enough for his qualification. The opportunity for Joel Braver-
man’s legacy to be continued on through another Joel B. was too precious to be passed up. With this new light shed (Bereshit 1:3), administrators and students alike are hoping to get a glimpse into the pages of the Tanakh, his early years, by taking a swing in his beloved Ray Dee-Us 3.14. Buckle your seatbelts: the next class trip will be a ride at 88 mph, heading back to the past. Rumor has it that an immortality potion is in the works.
Entertainment TV Review:
Music Review:
YOF reality show to begin Mauskop drops rap album filming By Frieda Dabbah Contributing Writer
After months of rumors, Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School is proud to announce the premiere of its new reality TV show, tentatively titled American Horror Story. Filming begins on April 1 and will capture all the Flatbush drama as it unfolds. The teachers room has been wired with cameras and microphones, and following April 1 the room will be under surveillance during all school hours. However, producers of the show must still knock before they enter the teachers room. Student interviews will be conducted in the Commons during both lunches, though only the juiciest confessions will be included in the shows pilot episode. Rumor has it Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest will be stopping by on the first day of production to oversee the efforts. Entertainment editor Danielle Mehani interviewed Seacrest for some behind the scenes secrets. Mehani swears that not only does Seacrest have a glowing aura but also smells like flowers and
Drama in the teachers room sunshine. She reports that the famed producer is bringing his talent to Avenue J with the hope of making a new hit. Ever since his biggest success, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he has been on a hunt for his next big break and he believes that Yeshivah of Flatbush is what the people want. As of now the show is set to premiere on E! at the beginning of the 2020-2021 school year. A sneak peek of the pilot episode will be played at graduation at Ford Amphitheater in June. Many students are very excited about starring in what is sure to be a hit TV show. The pilot episode, titled “Deal or no Deal,” will focus on students’ Pesach plans and promises to be especially riveting.
The movie is over. So over.
Would you watch this?
By Elizabeth Nadjar Contributing Writer
As of late it appears that Hollywood has been suffering from a horrible lack of creativity. It seems that most of the movies coming out nowadays are either sequels or remakes of old ones. I mean
how many more Iron Man movies can Marvel make, and how much more Botox does Sylvester Stallone need to continue Rocky? In an unprecedented effort to eliminate this growing problem, a consortium of major movie studios announced this week that they will stop making movies.
By Joanie Dweck Hip-hop fans across the globe are celebrating the news that Yeshivah of Flatbush’s very own Ms. Lilia Mauskop has just launched her first album as a hip-hop artist. Ms. Mauskop’s trademark as a hiphop artist is the way she lays down samples of slapping classical music to back her flow. Her singles feature all the (literal) classics, such as “Requiem,” “Toccata and Fugue,” “Rondo alla Turca,” and the senior grade’s personal favorite, “Symphony #40.” In an exclusive interview with The Phoenix, Ms. Mauskop said she is “supa dupa excited” to drop her debut album, Straight Outta Commons. “The rhymes just bubbled up out of me, straight fire,” she explained. “The hardest part was picking a cool stage name. I wanted to call myself Danger Maus, but it turns out that name is kind of taken already.” Instead, Ms. Mauskop will be known as Li’l Mau-Swizzle. Li’l Mau-Swizzle was enthusiastic as she discussed upcoming tour dates and venues, and motifs that run through the album. Li’l Mau-Swizzle says that students should “get hyped” for her tour, claiming it will be the hip-hop revolution of the century. The tour will also showcase unreleased tracks such as “Ky-
rie Ellieson” featuring Kanye West, and “Symphony #5” featuring Da Baby and Justin Bieber. In her first music video, Li’l Mau-Swizzle is shown sitting down at a piano to play a bit of Beethoven, then pushing it away dressed in full hip-hop attire to showcase her shift from a classical musician to an up-and-coming hip-hop artist. Although this may come as a shock, certain students claim they have heard Li’l Mau-Swizzle blasting Astroworld when no one’s around. Additionally, rumor has it that if you stick around long enough for a full music class period, she hands out backstage passes for her upcoming tour. Mauskop’s fans, known collectively as Mausketeers, are already praising her work. Juniors Nathan Shabot and David Ronen are often seen singing along to bootleg copies of her not-yet-released singles as they wander the halls. Of course, Li’l Mau’s biggest fans are the Flatbush English department, who teach a hip-hop unit to 11th graders. Ms. Setton, Li’l Mau-Swizzle’s biggest supporter, says “I’ve never heard anything like it! She spits the most genius lyrics and puts such a modern twist on songs that used to be considered old and boring.” Straight Outta Commons is available for pre-order through Amazon.com and Ms Marcus’s office.
Completely. “We’ve been out of ideas for years, but we just kept making movies,” said Motion Picture Association of America CEO Victor Dweck. “Sure, we’ll make less money if we stop making movies, but nobody becomes a movie producer or studio executive for the money.” Some people are upset about this new development, but it might be for the best. The movie industry has been living off sequels for the past decade, and people are sick and tired of watching the same things. What’s coming next, Luke Skywalker has a jedi grandson that’s green and looks like Yoda? Many blame the lack of original movie ideas on the industry’s loss of millennials. They can’t keep a hold on them and fear that if they don’t reel them in soon it will break the industry all together. So
better to not even try. Who can blame Millenials for not wanting to pay $16 to watch Elsa ditch the crown and run into the forest to lead the weird people living in it? In the past decade we’ve had remakes of Annie and Footloose, they’ve made Thor 1, 2, 3, and 4, and they added three more to movies to the Fast and Furious series. How furious can they still be after 9 movies?! Also, they changed our childhood movies! Why can’t you just let cartoons be cartoons? Now I’m watching real-life versions of Aladdin, The Lion King, and The Jungle Book. The next thing you know they’ll be mashing up movies and Captain America is marching down the yellow brick road with Dorothy and Snow White trying to find Cinderella and give her the cube from Transformers. Actually, I’d probably watch that.
Contributing Writer
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Fun & Games Ask Merle Nothing You’ve been asking me stuff all year. To flip things upside down for Purim, I’m not waiting for your questions; I’m just going to tell you some things I need to get off my chest. Merle’s Favorite Facts: 1. There are 10 million tons of diamonds on Jupiter and Saturn. So the question is, why are we trying to go to Mars?! 2. A “moonbow” is a rainbow that happens at night. I’ve tried to look for ’em but it’s usually dark outside. 3. Scientists discovered an organism with a disappearing posterior. Human trials are yet to begin. 4. Someone once tried to sell New Zealand on eBay, although personally, New Zealand seems like a knockoff Australia.
5. Cotton candy was invented by a dentist, and that folks, is entrepreneurship at its finest. 6. Chocoholics, beware: the smell of chocolate makes people want to buy romance novels. 7. Minnesota has more shoreline than California, Florida, and Hawaii combined, and I’m still asking: what’s Minnesota? 8. “Shemomechama” is a Georgian word meaning “I accidentally ate the whole thing.” Shemomechamading is me on the daily. 9. “Umop apisdn” is “upside down” spelled upside down. What a mouthful.
GLASS HALF FULL • Yay Purim • I’m excited to do a mishloach manot exchange • Senior Masquerade + rikudim is what I live for • Making Hamentaschen with my mom is one of my favorite traditions • My class is literally bonding over calling me “Nat” • Catcher in the Rye really made school fun for a bit. • I’m starting Driver’s Ed and thank G-d, because I cannot sit through another “Material Girl” with my dad.
GLASS HALF EMPTY • Clowns. Need I say more? • I kinda just wanna hide for Purim this year because I’m busy. I’m too gosh darn busy for one of my favorite holidays. • I went to visit Hunter College and came to the awful realization that deep down I’m an elitist. • A doctor on Fox News said buying masks for coronavirus is a waste of money.
THINGS TO GET YOU THROUGH THE WEEK SHOWS+MOVIES
Happy Days The Sound of Music Taxi Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
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12. Human bodies can move for more than a year after death. This is why I have nightmares. 13. Diamonds can grow inside of other diamonds; it’s like finding a baby pepper inside a mommy pepper. 14. Shaking your head to get water out of your ears after swimming can lead to brain damage; explains a lot. 15. Why I’m a dog person: cats recognize their own names but likely don’t care. 16. Parent PSA: Video games may help fight depression. 17.
Hairiness
correlated with a higher I.Q., which explains why Flatbush boys always have their shirt’s second button open—they’re showing off their intelligence. 18. “Lethologica” is the word for when you can’t remember a word. But is there a different word for when you can’t remember the word for when you can’t remember a word? 19. David Hasselhoff ’s divorce settlement included ownership of the nickname “The Hoff.” Is it Hof or Hoff, @ MrHof(f)? 20. Barbie and Ken have full names. Meet Barbara Millicent Roberts and Kenneth Carson.
is
10. Hitler plotted to kill Churchill with exploding chocolate. Instead, Churchill bought romance novels. 11. Almonds being a part of the peach family is
The Natareeze
b
the reason I don’t believe in science.
By Natalie Ryba Staff Writer
SONGS “Going to California” by Led Zeppelin “Love” by John Lennon “Child of the Moon” by The Rolling Stones “I Am Waiting” by The Rolling Stones “Blueberries For Breakfast” by The Mamas & the Papas
THAT’S SHOW BIZ BABY • I was talking to Rabbi Besser in his office while a teacher of mine came in right behind me to confirm seminar arrangements and the fact that he wouldn’t be there for my class. I felt so cool and dangerous with the knowledge that I had so skillfully acquired. Two minutes later I saw that teacher again and couldn’t keep a straight face. My friend said, “Nat, you’d be a terrible spy,” and the teacher said, “That she would.” • Recently, I got a notification that Greta Thunberg has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. A prize that people are awarded after a lifetime of work, is within arms reach of a girl who’s my age and has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum. One would think this would motivate me to do my homework or recycle a water bottle, but I’m just going to sit here and watch Ellen and Bill Gates guess grocery store prices. Good luck Greta. Follow me on Instagram @thenatabreeze
The Food Corner Don’t you just love licking the bowl of cake batter, brownie batter, or even cookie dough? Me too! But eating raw cookie dough can be unsafe, as eggs contain salmonella and can make you sick. Try this delicious safe-to-eat cookie dough, which can be baked into cookies as well! I guarantee it’ll be your new favorite snack! INGREDIENTS: 1 bottle Elmer’s Liquid School Glue 1 bottle shaving cream 1 bottle Sta-Flo Liquid Starch 1 teaspoon vanilla extract ½ cup chocolate chips Red and green food dye DIRECTIONS: Pour the whole bottle of glue
By Sarina Shalom Food Editor
into a mixing bowl. Next, add in shaving cream until thick and gloopy, and your vanilla extract. Dye your dough with two drops each of the red and green food dye (you may need to adjust, but the goal is to reach a cookie dough colored dough). Add in your chocolate chips and mix until well distributed. Lastly, pour in your liquid starch little by little until your dough comes together. Do not over-mix, because we want a soft dough! Wrap with cling wrap and chill for at least a half hour in the refrigerator Eat up and enjoy as is, or pop ’em in the oven at 350 for 13 minutes!
Standard of Fabulous Can’t-miss trends for 2020 By Judy Tawil Contributing Writer
This year has brought us the greatest fashion trends we’ve seen so far. More than any other year, 2020 single-handedly saved the fashion industry from falling to pieces. Here are some prime examples.
The most unique trend we’ve seen so far is Brandy Melville clothing. The originality and bravery it takes to wear a Brandy hoodie or sweats to school is unfathomable. It is so rare to walk down the halls and spot a ‘Yosemite,’ or ‘Honey’ top.
One word; crocs. The comfortable and fashionable shoe is a Winter ‘20 staple. The class of 2020 even had a ‘Croc Day’ recently to honor such a cool, urban trend coming back in style. Designer, Kanye West, launched his own take of the shoe back in September. The Yeezy crocs clearly sold very well, as you probably know so many people with a pair of their own.
One faculty member has been way ahead of the game. Coach Black’s black clogs are iconic, to say the least. She also brought back that chunky highlight trend from the early 2000s. We stan.
Crazy socks are always a fun way to go. If you’re looking for fashion inspo, Mr. Hof is our style icon. If you don’t notice them from across the hall, you’re doing it wrong.
The same goes for MadHappy. Most students have probably never even heard of the brand, as it is somewhat underground. I am sure nobody would get sick of seeing the same stitched hood on almost every student in school.
And finally, seniors have been experimenting with trends a lot thanks to Spirit Week. Hawaiian Day was a major success. The floral button-downs were definitely not too feminine for men to wear on a regular basis. Keep an eye out for this trend when Spring comes along.
Art department launching fashion label By Simone Dweck Contributing Writer
Funky maxi skirts are definitely a must-have. Teachers such as Ms. Zaltsman, Ms. Winkler, and Pat need to let us know where they shop. The brighter, the better.
Also in the spirit of winter, layers are in, and in a very big way. Nobody layers like Ms. Bloom, who can be be seen with a pair of gloves and a matching scarf on any given day. Take note, as she is always prepared for anything. Nobody pulls off knit accessories better than she does.
Thanks to clout culture, some students in Flatbush are always seen with the drip. Quavo, also known as Mr. Kweller, will often flex high-end brands such as Palm Angels and Heron Preston. Even the coolest hypebeasts of the school turn to him for fashion advice.
Word is spreading that Flatbush’s very own graphic design teacher, Ms. Carolina Cohen, along with art teacher Mr. Jason Novetsky, are quitting their jobs after this year for something greater! To make the subjects they teach more lucrative, they both decided to establish a fashion company together, using their unique designs and phenomenal creativity. The new brand will launch as soon as the AP exams are over. Ms. Cohen and Mr. Novetsky have continuously displayed their love for design to their students throughout their teaching years, as well as inspiring students to make their own creations. “Although we love forming relationships with our students and sparking their creative minds, it’s time to display our passions worldwide!” Ms. Cohen said. They’ve decided on the perfect name together: NovCo Label. Cohen is currently working on a promotional video for their brand and already designed the tags, and Novetsky made some sketches of his apparel, excluding small details. They also
have been saving up money to buy property in Manhattan for their office and shop. It’s nothing new that Mr. Novetsky has to move all his art materials to a new art room, since he pretty much does it every year. He said he is especially excited for the grand opening: “I usually carve and paint styrofoam for Flatbush occasions, and now I’m going to use those skills to present our opening of this spectacular brand Ms. Cohen and I have been working on!” Ms. Cohen also plans on utilizing her skills performed in Flatbush to develop her brand. “I’m going to miss showing my students how I Photoshop my daughter into clouds,” she says. “And having Crawford’s 30 seconds away!” Ms. Cohen said the biggest challenge will be designing the company logo, business cards, and an ad for their products. “I wish someone could teach me how to do all that,” she lamented.
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Sports Faculty basketball game TikTok Team kicks off gets out of hand inaugural season
Left to right: Couch Gurock, Rabbi Yanetz, Rabbi Dushey, Rabbi Beyda, Rabbi Galpert
By Nathan Sidaoui Sports Editor
Scranton, PA-- Our very own faculty held a pickup game of basketball last month to decide whether the teachers or the administration would have to come in to work on Presidents’ Day, a punishment for a “faculty ditch day” the week before in Pennsylvania. When asked about this ditch day, the administration team’s 6’7” big man Rabbi Galpert mentioned, “Hey cut us some slack, either way I’m just sitting around in my office with no work all day. I’m back in Mill Basin with the three-hour plane ride by 2 PM sharp every day anyway. I don’t see what the big deal is.” As the teams took the tip-off, the teacher squad was led by future two-time NBA MVP Rabbi Yanetz, who vividly described the game as “good” and “fun,” resembling his early childhood memories playing pick-up games in Greece. For the administration team, cap-
tain Rabbi Beyda took over the floor, saying, “I was sinking a few. You know, swish, swish, swish, and their jaws just dropped to the floor.” While playing the game, Rabbi Beyda says he likes to think about his favorite quote of all time: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” [-Wayne Gretsky] (-Michael Scott) -Rabbi Beyda The game ended with pure heartbreak, as Rabbi Dushey committed a flagrant personal foul, ending the game. Rabbi Dushey decided afterward to resign from Flatbush and practice playing basketball at The Center full time, committing his life to breaking students’ ankles and sinking deep three pointers in the faculty-senior basketball game. Although the game ended on a bad note, it was interesting to see teachers showcase their talents outside of school. Mr. Chattah, another member of the teacher team, concluded with the following: “Bears, beats, Battlestar Galactica.”
Sportsman Spotlight:
Steven “Sonny” Natkin continues domination
By Fred Salem Contributing Writer
When you envision a true Falcons superstar most people would think of Deion Sanders or Julio Jones, but here in Flatbush you instantly think of Steven
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Natkin. Widely recruited out of elementary school, Natkin ultimately decided to come to Flatbush after the Chanies offered him free bagels instead of a scholarship and Ness Ades promised him a shoe, a deal he couldn’t refuse. Nicknamed “Sonny” for his bright, shiny outlook on life, Natkin has been the captain and the starting point guard of the Varsity Boys Basketball team for all four years of his high school career. During that time he led Flatbush to two championships while winning league MVP and making the playoffs all six years. Natkin’s greatness motivates people around the community to play basketball and to be like him. Senior Kal Abed decided to try out for basketball along with the Chess team and Torah Bowl after watching Natkin play last season. Although Abed didn’t make the roster, Coach Gurock decided to let Abed play
They’ve got the moves
By Claudine Hadef Senior Editor
The Hype House, the For You page, and Mr. Kweller—the three cornerstones of the TikTok craze. This upcoming Saturday night is the first annual Yeshivah TikTok dance competition. Mr. Kweller has been coaching 12 students for the past three months, hoping to bring home the win against some of the best schools in New York. Not only will the winner win a trophy to bring home for their school, but they will be able to make a TikTok with the hype herself, Charlie D’Amelio. Just like in real life, the winner will be determined by whoever gets the most views. When asked about the team’s chances in the upcoming competition Mr. Kweller solemnly said, “Yeah, Renegade, Renegade, Renegade. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, let’s go.” Students students who were caught in the girls bathroom or dancing in the back of classrooms were not punished, they were instead recruited for the team. To prepare, the Flatbush team spends two hours every Tuesday and Thursday on the practice squad. Abed said, “Steven is a hero to me, without him I never would have found basketball.” On senior night, Coach Gurock surprised Abed with his own jersey, and he suited up for his first-ever game. In the final seconds of the game, Natkin found Abed for a layup for his first career points. The crowd went wild, and everyone congratulated him. No one was happier to see Abed succeed than Natkin, a true testament to his character. Natkin is an inspiration both on and off the court. Each year he takes it upon himself to finish all of his first-semester chesed hours and helps others complete theirs by April 1 as well. Many people might not know that, before his breakout season in Flatbush
night perfecting their Renegade and Out West dance moves. Mr. Kweller tests his team by announcing lyrics to songs at each practice, and if they don’t get the dance moves right they have to dance to “The Box” by Roddy Rich and rap it perfectly or “throw it back.” “Your little heart goes pitter-patter. I want your liver on a platter,” Mr. Kweller tells his team to motivate them during their dinner break. The team is reportedly dancing to “Say So” by Doja Cat and remixing it with “ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas. Team uniforms are being designed by the hottest new designers in Brooklyn, NovCo Label. Rumor has it that D’Amelio and the Hype House will be performing their most viewed TikTok from the “for you” page at the competition. Rabbi Galpert says that he wishes this competition has been around for his high school years so he can meet D’Amelio, his personal idol. As the competition gets closer, the members of the team are increasingly confident that they will bring home a championship. As Mr. Kweller always says, “We come alive at midnight.”
in 8th grade, Natkin was on the practice squad of the Crown Heights Yeshiva team. “It’s only fitting that Steven started from the bottom and worked his way up to the top,” explained Coach Gurock, “It shows his character.” Natkin is being recruited by many top colleges in the nation; however, he is heavily considering taking his talents to Maccabi Tel Aviv to showcase his skills in basketball and, more important, in the Hebrew language. Even with all of that going on in Natkin’s life, he has only one thing in mind: winning his third championship. Natkin and the Falcons will be taking on the Ilan Invaders in Deal, NJ, next Sunday night at 8pm. Come out to show your support!