The Phoenix 2020-2021 Issue 5: Purim Edition

The Fauxnix A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Vol 56, Issue 5 • Purim 2021 / 5781

Coach Gurock chosen Seniors granted one as next principal additional year of HS

By Kaden Harari Editor-in-Chief

Principal-Elect Gurock makes himself comfortable

By Betty Hidary Entertainment Editor

Coach Michael Gurock has been officially selected as the new Principal of Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School, following the promotion of Rabbi Beyda to Head of the School.

After making the decision to promote Rabbi Beyda, the school board was burdened with the difficult task of hiring a replacement principal. They began their search outside the Yeshivah of Flatbush circle, but soon realized that everything they were looking for may be closer than they thought. They interviewed an overwhelming number of faculty members

and eventually narrowed it down to their top three contenders: Coach Gurock, Ms. Mauskop, and Mr. Engel.

Ms. Mauskop was an obvious choice, being one of the school’s top disciplinarians as music teacher for almost 40 years. A second music teacher, Gustavo Rocque, was even hired in case Ms. Mauskop’s new role as principal would be confirmed, but her rising success as rapper Li’l Mau-Swizzle led them to decide she was more of an asset to the music department and should not be removed from her primary calling.

Mr. Engel was considered as well, un-

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Flatbush installs school bells in student bedrooms

By Elie Esses Junior Editor

While once-a-week Zoom days are officially a relic of the past, quarantined students are still forced to use technology. Almost all students have expressed their fondness of Zoom days: “It was basically a weekly one-day vacation” explained one student. But because of this attitude, lates and cuts during Zoom days reached alltime highs, and now the administration has found the perfect solution to curb

In This Issue

School News: Student lawyers defend classmates Page 3

that behavior.

Day after day, admin meeting after admin meeting, everyone was stumped!

That is until Rabbi Galpert had what he describes as a “stroke of genius.” During one standard meeting with the administration, Rabbi Galpert found himself dozing off, until the blaring sound of the bell struck him awake. “EUREKA! Guys!

What if we install bells in the students’ bedrooms?!” After the rest of the administration sat gaping for the five minutes until the second bell brought them from their awe of this brilliant idea, they

Two days ago, Rabbi Beyda managed to gather the senior grade into the Bet Midrash during Inquiry for an “exciting announcement”: the seniors will get to hustle freshmen through these halls for another year. “All I needed was mass deferral approval from colleges, which was actually much easier than expected,” the Rabbi shared. The Board of Columbia University told Rabbi Beyda to “keep them for as long as you please. Please.

We will most gladly wait.”

Asked his thoughts on the announcement, senior Maurice Pardes said, “What? Oh, I don’t know. I slept through the morning every day this week.”

Except for those who slept through the announcement, seniors across the board are rejoicing. Gaby Weinwurzel exclaimed, “I already bought Pat’s whole new line of more modest skirts! In every color available!” Some seniors were even moved to tears, like Marilyn Didia, who was heard gasping, “What did we do to deserve this?!” in between sobs (of gratitude, The Fauxnix confirmed).

Many have been spotted wearing sweatshirts boasting “I always knew we were the favorite” in flashy maroon and gold; Mr. Engel confessed to providing this brilliant fashion advice. Students in other grades are envious of the situation—besides wanting another hoodie to add to his collection, sophomore Solomon Terzi warned, “If my grade doesn’t get that same treatment, I guess I’ll just have to make sure I’m left back a year.”

There have been various speculations as to why the seniors could have been so lucky. Most people assume that the move is being done to make up for the Covid-tainted senior year, so that the seniors can eventually have a real Seminar and senior trips.

Principal-Elect Gurock has a different theory, pointing out, “It’s no surprise that this news is coming out right after the board’s decision of promoting me. brainstormed on its implementation.

Rabbi Beyda contributed the next part of the new technology: “Two words: Pat in the morning.” The plan to install bells

Page 5 Entertainment: High School Musical: The Hebrew Play

Truth, everybody wants the seniors to be able to have me as their principal.”

Contrary to Coach Gurock’s stance, Rabbi Galpert claims that this has been in the works for years, and it’s the small things that count: “I could always tell by their eagerness how important my MAKE THE SWITCHES emails were to them. I knew they’d just be so thankful to experience it for one more year.” He adds, “Maybe they will buy me another cake. Tell them I want Rachel Green’s trifle.”

The administration ruled to have the seniors’ schedules next year be elective-based, where they choose specific classes in which they particularly would like to further their education. College guidance reported being overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of students who requested Music Appreciation with Gustavo and Hebrew. Chair of Hebrew Department Omer Adam said, “I told you I… em… weel mek dem injoy more de shiur.”

Aside from college deferrals, the administration had other factors to take into account. Rabbi Galpert is willing to transfer his power of being in two places simultaneously to those students taking a gap year in Israel. Also, some rights of the incoming seniors will be revoked to respect the current seniors; instead of current juniors being elected to next year’s Senior Council, a Council of Elders will be set up, consisting of current senior students.

A concern was voiced regarding the physical accommodations of an additional grade in the building, but Rabbi Beyda addressed this issue: “Physical space is not an object. But all of these Flatbush students together is mentally too much to handle. For that reason, we are considering building a new-new building designed specifically for this purpose.” He mentioned, “If you are interested in donating for a dedication please contact Principal-Elect Gurock.”

programmed with beloved Flatbush greeter Pat, and her angelic and soothing voice, has proceeded to evoke mixed

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Fashion: Mr. Engel’s fashion influence Page 7 www.theflatbushphoenix.com | 1

Faculty Freshman: Gustavo Rocque

By Shelley Shamah Senior Editor

Hailing all the way from Hollywood, California, Mr. Gustavo Rocque has joined the YOFHS music department.

Gustavo, after establishing Rocque Records more than 20 years ago, admitted that he hasn’t “hit a homerun since the boys,” meaning the world renowned Big Time Rush. Kendal, James, Logan, and Carlos have all evolved onto bigger and better things since they last stepped out of Rocque Records in 2013. “I’ve been searching for new talent for almost a decade!” Gustavo stated. “I knew Flatbush was brimming with it.” However, there hasn’t been much harmony in the sub-basement since his arrival.

“He has no discipline!” Ms. Mauskop exclaimed. After running the music program with different choir directors over the past 30 years, Mauskop stated, “We’ve always worked together, never against each other.” Ms. Mauskop prefers to teach her students in a controlled and respectful manner. “When I was in my country, there was a certain level of maturity. Yes, we had tough love, it’s called Russian discipline for a reason, but Mr. Rocque is out of control.”

However, Gustavo has other plans.

He claims that his harsh teaching tactics, his “red face mentality,” just works.

He logically explains, “Look how far BTR went! Have you ever seen me teach them how to dance around piano keys!?”

His screaming and yelling have won the hearts of many students around school, including many seniors, sick of typical teaching techniques, who embraced this like a breath of fresh air. Junior Rena Angel said that Gustavo “just makes it more bearable.” Though senior David Hidary pointed out, “I feel like it doesn’t have the same effect without the spit flying when he screams, because of the masks.”

Gustavo supposedly plans on recruiting students to drop out of high school and make it big in Hollywood with him, though he won’t admit it to the administration. “He has a three year contract,” said Rabbi Beyda, “I don’t know where these rumors started.” However, accord-

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Flatbush Family:

The Francos

By Joanie Dweck School News Editor

The Franco brothers are a duo commonly seen around Flatbush. Most known for their extensive careers starring in Flatbush plays, James, a senior, and Dave, a freshman, are taking Flatbush’s Arts department by storm. James, who is constantly harassed by Rabbi Beyda to shave, has played a lead role in many of Flatbush’s plays, such as David Skylark in The Interview, Laird Mayhew in Why Him, and Oz in Oz the Great and Powerful. Dave, however, is not far from following in James’ footsteps. He has taken on the roles of Jack Wilder in both Now You See Me and Now You See Me 2, Ian in Nerve, and multiple supporting roles in various shows. Their next endeavor is Flatbush’s Hebrew Play series, ‫מחזמר‬ ‫תיכון ספר בית של העברי‬: ‫העברי המחזמר‬: ‫העברי הסדרה‬: ָ‫העברי גַָצַההה‬: ‫מחזמר‬ Though one might presume that the two would be close, especially since they share a common interest, in fact the two could not be farther apart. They are in constant argument about both of their acting careers. James claims that Dave is trying to undermine his career and outshine him, when clearly acting was his thing first. He said, “Dave is the epitome of an annoying younger brother who’s just instigating and joining acting

Stock trader and philanthropist gives back Alumnus interview: Robin Hood (HS ’15)

By Michael Oved Senior Editor

Mr. Robin Hood, a 2015 Flatbush alumnus, has procured recent media attention for his contributions to Wall Street and stock trading. However, what many don’t know is the story that ensued during and after high school that led to his achievements.

Since his freshman year, Robin has always loved finance. The head of the Tzedakah Commission, he worked alongside Señora Ovadia to raise thousands of dollars for families in need. He founded the Stock Market Commission, now headed

by Ms. Caroll Dweck, and chaired the Business Commission as well. His grades practically speak for themselves: A’s all around. And despite being offered a full merit scholarship to Harvard, Robin decided to go to Sherwood Forest College, one of the worst colleges in the country.

Why? To follow the lady of his dreams, Gamette Stoppe.

With blonde hair, blue eyes, light skin, and pure Polish-Ashkenazi ancestry,

Gamette Stoppe had it all. So he followed good friend, Ditt, about the situation. her to college, hopBut the conversaing to pursue a fution only served ture with her. Two to drive Stoppe years later, Hood’s away from Hood plan proved suceven more. Then, cessful. He was one day a couple dating the prettiest months later, Robgirl in school, he in caught Stoppe was on track to be- Hood was captain of the Flatbush archery team and Ditt discussing come a successful stocks—in a room businessperson, and he had a very close alone—without him. He was heartbrofriend who he thought would always be ken, and never heard from either of them there for him, Eric “Red” Ditt. again.

As Hood’s junior year of college came After that debacle, everything seemed around, he felt as if he was the king of the to go downhill for Robin. His finances, world, with his beautiful queen by his his schoolwork, his stock portfolio. Evside. Still, it seemed that the more affec- erything. Naturally, he blamed it all on tion Hood showed for Gamette, the more his former love, and vowed revenge. she pushed him away. By senior year, she After college and after working hard stopped answering Robin’s texts, didn’t to improve himself, Robin picked himself send him full face pictures on Snapchat up. He started his own eponymous mulanymore, and even began liking other timillion-dollar company to trade stocks, guys’ Instagram posts. She started buying RobinHood. He also continued the habonly Ouri’s and Jus salads, still using his its he developed as head of the Tzedakah money — a huge financial burden!

Commission, and is known worldwide After a while, Robin consulted his for collecting money from wealthy pa-

The Fauxnix Staff Editor-in-Chief: Kaden Harari Managing Editor: Adelle Ayash Senior Editors: Michael Oved, Shelley Shamah School News Editors: Vivian Cohen, Joanie Dweck Religion Editor: Jennifer Salzman World News Editor: Etty Jajati Features Editor: Diane Azrak Entertainment Editors: Renee Cohen, Betty Hidary

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Food Editor: Evelyn Tawil Fashion Editors: Sarah Benun, Lillian Louz Fun & Games Editor: Natalie Ryba Sports Editors: Joey Alhadeff, Terri Elmann Junior Editors: Jenna Ashkenazie, Daniel Beyda, Elie Esses, Nicole Muravsky, Jennifer Neuman, Jack Saad Sophomore Editors: Simone Amkraut, Ralph Askenazi Design: Carolina Cohen Faculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter

Dave (left) and James Franco

to bother me.” Dave, on the other hand, claims that James is “gatekeeping” and that he is so “stuck up and scared that I’ll be more successful than him” that he belittles and argues with Dave in order to persuade him to quit.

Despite their disagreements, to the outside world it seems as if the two are each other’s biggest supporters. Many students said they have seen James running lines with Dave and giving him acting tips, and Dave helping set up back stage for James’ shows. They always seem to be around each other, and the two are among some of Flatbush’s most talented.

All those who have starred alongside the Franco brothers are certain they have talent, potentially being able to turn it into a successful career for the both of them.

Frankly, after seeing them act one has to disagree. They’re good for high school students, but there’s a slim to none chance that the world will know the names James and Dave Franco. But if it does, the brothers have promised to “always attribute our success to our Yeshivah of Flatbush.”

trons and giving it to the poor.

And over the years, Red Ditt founded an international social news and networking platform, called Reddit. At his side was a now-faithful wife of five years, Gamette Stop-Ditt. Just recently, Gamette drew international attention for being the prettiest woman alive. Reddit users nationwide bolstered her appearance and every social media site was buzzing about her beauty. The stocks belonging to the renown video game store, GameStop, even went on a high because the company name bore a resemblance to Gamette’s. And if you thought the cancelling of Keeping Up With the Kardashians drew national attention, that is nothing compared to how much attention Gamette got. Still, out of spite for his old friends and jealousy of Red, Robin refused to allow anyone to trade GameStop stocks and released a statement condemning Gamette and her “attention-seeking” husband.

This feud is far from over. And the drama is only getting started. Yet despite this, Flatbush is proud to declare Robin Hood our alumnus. A good Jew, a hard worker, and a successful businessperson, Robin Hood is continuing down the road of values learned.

High Administration High School School Administration Rabbi Raymond Harari, Head of School Rabbi Joseph Beyda, Principal Ms. Sari Bacon, Associate Principal Ms. Esther Hidary, Assistant Principal / Director of Admissions

Covid vaccine gives some New commission provides teachers special side effects wronged students with lawyers

By Vivian Cohen School News Editor

As more Americans get vaccinated, doctors have seen that people react to the vaccine differently and develop a variety of side effects. It’s been only a few weeks since Flatbush teachers started getting vaccinated, and many are already showing symptoms—of superhero powers.

It appears that many teachers’ natural abilities have been enhanced by the vaccine. In the middle of a talk with her class about their listening skills, Ms. Marcus could just tell that one student was deciding between kale tempeh and kale tuna for lunch. Before anyone even asked how she always knows what’s up, Ms. Marcus responded, “The vaccine gave me mind reading capabilities! Now nothing can get past me.”

Rabbi Besser has been keeping his newfound invisibility a secret, until he faced the truth: “I thought I could scare people into going back to class, but turns out they can smell me coming anyway,” he shared.

After taking Moderna six times and Pfizer twice (one can never be too careful), it is clear that Mr. Rothbort has developed super speech. Setting the world record at 452 words per minute, Mr. Rothbort has been seen murmuring to himself, “You go! No, stay.”

Senior Marcy Ashear was first to notice Rabbi Galpert’s superpower. “He was yelling at me to wear my mask properly in the library and stopping my kale tempeh from entering the building at the same

time!” Unfortunately, being in two places at once has no use to Rabbi Galpert; he wishes he could have received a different power. Dejected, he sighed, “I’ve always wanted to try carrying the weight of the school on my shoulders. Super strength probably would’ve been cool.”

Surprisingly, it was Ms. Benzakein who developed super strength, and she is now able to carry the millions of math finals that students have failed over the last century down to the old student lounge.

“It was about time to take them out of the frames in my office” was her stated reason. Rabbi Galpert has been reported to be looking on with envy.

Meanwhile, Mr. Engel revealed that his ultimate dream was made reality with the ability to time travel. He now sings with the original Gullah community that initiated the song “Kumbaya” every day during lunch; he refers to them all as “my children.” With grateful tears in his eyes, he expressed, “I would’ve never believed I could have gotten to this point in my life. My literal and figurative children, I want to thank you for all your love and support.”

Not wanting to directly admit it to other members of faculty, Ms. Shalom disclosed to The Fauxnix, “Baby Nathan whispered to me that I have the best power: supermommy!” She is spending the remainder of her maternity leave experimenting with the impacts of her power.

The superpower that most affects the female students is Pat’s newfound ability

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Omer Adam hired to chair Hebrew department

By Sarah Benun Fashion Editor

After not much thought by the administration, it has been unanimously decided that Israeli singer Omer Adam will be the next chair of the Hebrew Department.

Omer Adam’s interview went relatively fast; once Rabbi Beyda saw Adam stopping by Ms. Hanon’s office to pick up candy, he just knew he was a perfect fit for the school. “I am sure all the students will benefit from his knowledge,” Beyda said.

Knowledge is indeed what Adam hopes to introduce to his future students; he has told the school that he plans to remodel the entire Hebrew curriculum. Instead of learning stories and poems, each class is now going to critically analyze his songs. As the final exam, students must perform one in the auditorium for the entire student body and choreograph a dance to “Tel Aviv.” Mr. Adam is also removing traditional extra credit. Instead of extra points, he feels it is beneficial to

reward his students with discounts to his upcoming concerts: “Dey weel… em… injoy de shiur more.”

Some Hebrew teachers are enthusiastic about working under such a prestigious man, but others are intimidated and frustrated. After 53 years of teaching, Ms. Theil still has had no promotion. “Centuries of students have come and gone and I am still not sitting on the Hebrew department throne,” she remarked with a pout upon hearing news of her new boss.

Some are unacquainted with working alongside celebrities and have begun to act strangely toward their new colleague. As Adam first stepped foot into the building, his first encounter had been with Ms. Schulman.

After hearing about a new face in Flatbush, she had been eager to post on her Instagram account, @jewhistory. Omer says he felt bombarded as she repeatedly asked him which hashtags are most popular. Students later showed Adam the recently posted picture of him, captioned #israelihottie and #mancrushmonday, along with 15 other hashtags. He seemed

By Nicole Muravsky Junior Editor

After frequently hearing their exasperated teachers ask them, “Are you his lawyer?!” seniors Joe J. Gindi and Teddy Hara formed a new commission called “Justice FTB (For The Boys),” deciding that they are in fact their peers’ lawyers.

If a student believes that something a teacher Senior Jacob Mosseri argues with Rabbi Safdieh on behalf of his client, freshman Joe Vidal has done is unfair, newly installed intercoms can nior Estelle Setton was the prosecutor be used to contact a student lawyer from of the case and demanded that since the this commission to defend him/her by students had to teach themselves the mastanding next to the student and yelling terial that they missed out on because of the exact same things at the teacher. the consecutive latenesses, which is overThe student lawyers are the elite group, whelming considering it’s Hebrew, the the creme de la creme of the school. class should get part of Ms. Rosenbaum’s Showing up in ties, suits, and a tendency paycheck distributed to them equally. to meddle in others’ business, they seem Setton’s infallible logic won the case, more professional than most of the staff and since the Hidary vs. Lamm case set in the building. They have already nego- precedent for naps during class, everytiated discounts on their lunch, scholar- one used the money for sleeping bags ships to afford Crawford’s, special pens and pillows. Because of her loss, Ms. to hand out with their names (and emails Rosenbaum was denied the Hebrew defor those who still can’t remember the partment’s favorite lunch of a plop of standard form), and even Mike’s desk in tuna salad and a piece of lettuce. the Pathfinders office. Mike said, “I’m sad With the start of the new commisto lose my desk, but I’m so honored to sion, teachers have to be more careful have lost it to those icons.” with their language. Last Thursday, a This month, one of Flatbush’s land- complaint was urgently filed over the mark court cases took place: Ms. Lamm intercom against Rabbi Prag for allegedgave Ronnie Hidary a green card for fall- ly telling students to “have a nice day.” ing asleep during her class, which makes Freshman Esther Lazerowitz said, “These sense considering the major Gemara teachers are so demanding. I felt presshteiging he was doing the night before. sured to make sure my day went well! I’m Hidary claimed that he was paying at- always forced into things. I even made tention the whole time, but Ms. Lamm sure to hog appointments with Mrs. wouldn’t hear of it. Student lawyer Joe Gins at least three times a day to make J. Gindi, Esq., heard what happened and my days even nicer!” Student lawyer Miimmediately took this new client under chelle Belenkiy immediately accosted his wing.

Rabbi Prag on her client’s behalf; because An excerpt from Gindi’s winning de- of his loss, Rabbi Prag wasn’t able to use fense went as follows; “On February 17, his podium to shuckle when teaching the 2021, Ronnie Hidary was given a green freshman boys. card for not paying attention during In addition, Ms. Hadef was sent home class; however, Hidary was listening to yesterday because she was excessively the class in his dreams. In article 253, complimenting students and pumping paragraph 517, section 893, clause 617 of too much confidence within themselves. the student handbook, it only states that “Can you believe?! She told me to re“a student must be attentive during class,” member that I can do anything I set my but does not say anything about what he mind to. Talk about superiority comshould be attentive to. And Ronnie was plexes! This needs to stop now!” junior paying close attention to his dreams. Shoushou Ashkenazie exclaimed. StuNow, Ms. Lamm, do you have the abili- dent lawyer Ralph Betesh worked out a ty to determine his state of mind during compromise, and Ms. Hadef now attends that class? No? I didn’t think so.” weekly under-sensitivity training.

Full of swag after winning the case, The competent and persistent lawyers Gindi strutted out, proudly saying to Hi- of “Justice FTB” are yet to lose a case. dary, “You’re welcome, achi. #FTB.” Members of faculty are pushing for “JusIn another situation, Ms. Rosenbaum tice FTB” to be expanded for inter-teachwas subpoenaed to appear in court be- er cases as well. cause she came late too many times. Jua little frightened, but they reassured him that this would one day make him famous.

Adam also amended the style and uniform of all Hebrew teachers. They now must wear designer clothing. He put Ms. Schulman in charge of coordinating outfits after spotting her in an Alexander Wang skirt.

Adam told The Fauxnix that his ulterior motive for working in Flatbush is to make a shidduch for himself with Ms. Peles’s daughter. Ms. Peles replied that

she would be delighted for her son in law to be Omer Adam. “My only condition is that he join us in Punta Cana every couple weeks to visit my brother—you know, he is the Chabad rabbi there.”

Adam is looking forward to working with such a close knit department and enthusiastic students. He feels that he will bring a new Israeli aspect to the school and is eager to benefit from the millions of streams that learning his songs will give him.

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Queen Victoria claims D’var Torah: right to English throne Yom Kippur

By Diane Azrak Features Editor

Queen Victoria of Bachelorham Palace dethroned the beloved Queen Elizabeth of England Monday night after the latest episode of the reality dating show aired.

Immediately after Victoria Larson stepped into the new Covid-edition Bachelor Mansion, her sparkling crown and cutthroat attitude set the tone. She was quickly labeled as the villain by fans and the other contestants; steamrolling over others at wedding photoshoots, starting drama at cocktail parties, and even bullying her subject Sarah into leaving “on her own accord.” But she sought more than the reign of mere Bachelor participants.

Just as Larson stole the time with Matt James from the other women, she marched right into Buckingham palace, found Queen Elizabeth, and proclaimed: “Excuse me, Princess, the queen is here,” and plucked the crown right from her head.

The guards couldn’t argue with that logic, and a baffled Queen Elizabeth was sent to live in Kensington with her children—just like Mary Lynn, who was kicked

to the curb by Matt under Victoria’s rule. The family was devastated, unsure of what they could do to end Victoria’s power trip.

This ruthlessness doesn’t come as much of a surprise to Bachelor watchers, who are familiar with the new Queen’s opposition to empowering others and supporting other women. But her two hours of airtime on the telly once a week cannot compare to being heir of England’s throne.

“If she can’t figure out how to successfully apply concealer, how will she be able to handle the grace and sophistication it takes to be a true royal?” said Kate Middleton desperately as she held her dear daughter Charlotte to her chest.

“She is not a role model to anyone other than racoons.”

Sir Chris Harrison has sent out a formal apology to the royal family, expressing his regret for creating a monster with his production team. When Victoria was sent home, we’d all assumed that would be the last of her until Paradise. The truth is, that was just the beginning. And Paradise is the last place we’ll be in the current climate.

Gurock named new principal continued from front page

til the board realized how much weight he holds in the fashion industry. “We felt that with Mr. Engel as principal the focus would shift from the excellent learning facility we have created at Flatbush, and we would begin to attract people just looking to meet Justin Engel, the fashion icon,” explained Ike Silvera, board member and head of the search committee.

Once both Ms. Mauskop and Mr. Engel were out of the running, the choice was clear. The board spoke to Gurock and together forged an agreement.

Gurock’s well-deserved rise to principal may seem sudden but in fact he is simply following the classic career path that so many other gym teachers/SAFE teachers/morning Zoom announcements guys/principals have done before him. “The minute I was born I decided to chase my dream of becoming YOFHS principal,” he said. “My only moment of doubt was when David Dweck was hired as a SAFE teacher too, but once they asked me to be the host for the 2020 Hebrew Tony Awards play I knew I had this in the bag.”

Gurock was even asked to help with the senior mentor program and to speak in a video for the Torah Takeaway, both

common stepping stones to the principal position.

Gurock said there will be some changes in policy under his rule. Second period announcements will be called “Get Up with Gurock,” all teachers and students will be required to participate in an annual schoolwide dodgeball tournament twice a week, and the dress code for Fridays will require everyone to wear tuxedos. He has also convinced the school to find room in their budget to replace Crispy Rice and Coco Roos with name brand cereals at breakfast.

“The breakfast issue was something that many SGO presidents before me have been trying to fix, but none have succeeded. None of them were Gurock,” he confidently said, “And with more events like dodgeball tournaments this school will be better for everyone. Y’all need a break every once in a while to let loose. Also, I just like wearing my tux.”

His groundbreaking contributions to the school are recognized by all and will hopefully only grow in his new position.

Gurock mentioned, “I’ve been told I have big shoes to fill, but my shoe size is pretty large.”

Vaccine has special side effects continued from page 3 to fly. She can more efficiently judge the length of girls’ skirts and distribute detention with a bird’s eye view. “My eyes were limited before. Now I can do the job right,” she assured. In fact, she said that the many ankles she witnesses while flying inspired her to create a new, more

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modest line of skirts.

The teachers are ecstatic over their new superpowers. However, not all members of the faculty had such side effects. Rabbi Beyda, whose vaccine gave him nothing more than a brief headache and immunity to Covid-19, constantly

By Marc Lessler and Ronnie Mizrachi Contributing Writers

Judaism is a faith of action. Action to inspire. Action to grow. Most applicably, action to kickstart teshuvah.

In these ten days leading up to the ultimate Day of Atonement, one must first understand the concept of teshuvah and how to achieve it in order to move forward.

The process of teshuvah is often misunderstood in 21st century Jewry. While self-reflection in the form of prayer is integral to the process, action is indispensable. Say a man stole 17 mangos from a struggling business: recognizing his misdeed and internal reflection is the first step.

But that doesn’t correct the wrong.

That doesn’t miraculously erase the misdeed. The mangos, or their monetary equivalent, must be returned to

complete the process. While that last step may seem intuitive, people often omit part from their repentance process. They often apologize for their past actions and ask for forgiveness.

But without that last step to amend our behavior in the future, the teshuvah process is incomplete. It’s almost meaningless. A year later, and the criminal requests teshuvah for another misdeed. Forgiveness is used as a means to repeat this cycle, one in which true teshuvah can never be achieved.

As we progress from Rosh Hashanah into the Aseret Yeme Teshuvah, let us remind ourselves that it is not enough to just regret our action; it is not enough to gain sympathy and forgiveness; it is not enough to pray for hours on end. Instead, we must change our ways. We must amend the wrong through action. And, most significantly, we must end the cycle of senseless apologies.

Flatbush installs school bells in bedrooms continued from front page

reviews from the student body.

The IT team labored tirelessly in making the new technology come to life. In addition to the classic “Good morning,” they added her trademark “Happy Monday!” and threw in a few more catchphrases, like “Kippahs on,” “Where’s your collar?” and “Are those slippers?” just for good measure.

Installation has already been completed in many houses, and Rabbi Galpert said he expects every student’s bedroom to contain a bell by the end of Pesach vacation. “When everyone is in Florida, it’s the perfect time to break into their homes and get it done,” he stated.

Some students have praised the innovation of the administration. In junior Betty Hidary’s words, “They’ve figured it out! This is the first period in my life where I’ve been consistently on time for school!” Many students expressed similar sentiments.

Others however, find the new addition a bit too invasive. “It’s not enough that I have to be face-to-face with my

classes from my bedroom, now I have to be woken up by Pat?! LEAVE ME ALONE!” declared one angry sophomore. Notorious latecomer David Hidary stated, “Personally, it doesn’t make a difference. I sleep through my parents yelling at me every morning. I can sleep through this, too.”

The faculty is divided as well. Most teachers approve of anything that will get students to class on time. But some, like Ms. Kaplowitz and Mr. Hofstetter, said they don’t care about lateness enough for it to matter. “I don’t know why we have to bother,” Ms. Kaplowitz said. “I don’t even notice when students come late to my class.”

Regardless, the administration is very pleased with the new bell’s results. Rabbi Dushey stated that he barely has to deal with sending any late emails. Rabbi Beyda is delighted at the “opportunity to incorporate cutting edge technology in a productive and educational way” and hopes to undertake similar endeavors during his reign as Head of School.

Faculty Freshman: Gustavo Rocque continued from page 2

ing to an anonymous source, choir director Mr. Mordy Weinstein revealed to his tenors that “a new faculty member may or may not be plucking you guys out one by one.”

In addition to possibly putting together some more hits for us back in Hollywood, Gustavo has another major event coming up. “I’m tying the knot!”he told some students last week. His fiance, Kelly Wainwright, has “been in love with me since she started working as my assistant,” said Gustavo. “It was only a matter

of time!” Gustavo announced last week that he will be flying select students to his wedding next month in Beverly Hills, California, and yes, BTR will be performing.

“I’m so happy he’s moved on to tormenting other children,” said former protege Kendal Knight. “They’re off to great things!”

We can be sure that Gustavo will change our school, for better or for worse, and we’re happy to be here for the ride.

feels left out. “Where’s my superpower?” he asks daily with a frown. His successor, Coach Gurock, suggests he check the office drawers.

Like the vaccine itself, scientists do not know how long these side effects will

last. But Ms. Kaplowitz, who can now see what students are doing behind her back, is making the most of her powers while she has them. As she explained, “In addition to managing my classroom better, I can now—Hey! You! Stop that!”

Entertainment Drama in school choir

High School Hebrew Musical:

The Hebrew Musical: The Hebrew Series: The Hebrew Play: A Musical

By Etty Jajati Inspired by Disney’s High School Musical: The Musical: The Series, this year’s upcoming Hebrew play, ‫העברי מחזמר‬ ‫תיכון ספר בית של‬: ‫העברי המחזמר‬: ‫העברי הסדרה‬: ָ‫העברי גַָצַההה‬: ‫מחזמר‬ (High School Hebrew Musical: The Hebrew Musical: The Hebrew Series: The Hebrew Play: A Musical), has both the faculty and students brimming with anticipation. The play, set to premiere next Hanukkah, follows the basic plot of the original: high school seniors, nearing graduation, put aside their differences and come together to perform an outstanding production and re-enactment of their new beloved show, High School Musical: The Musical: The Series, but in Hebrew. Filled with drama, confusion, and of course music, ‫של העברי מחזמר‬ ‫תיכון ספר בית‬: ‫העברי המחזמר‬: ‫הסדרה‬ ‫העברי‬: ָ‫העברי גַָצַההה‬: ‫ מחזמר‬has something for everyone.

Director Sally Shatzkes began the process of executing this play a year early.

She explained, “I had a feeling we’d need it.” Indeed, the turnout for auditions was so overwhelming that tryouts alone took three months (compared to the customary two days allotted). Apart from the whole process becoming more tedious than ever, the competition for lead roles has been too much for some students to handle. “The tension in classes now is so thick you could practically cut it with a knife,” junior Olivia Rodgrigo reports.

Sophomore Belle Shatzkes said, “I still don’t know what ‫של העברי מחזמר‬ ‫תיכון ספר בית‬: ‫העברי המחזמר‬: ‫הסדרה‬ ‫העברי‬: ָ‫העברי גַָצַההה‬: ‫ מחזמר‬is really

about, but I definitely want a good role.”

Currently, senior Leor Yazdi and sophomore Chuckie Sultan are in the running for the lead, Richard Bowen. “I feel like a celebrity,” Yazdi commented.

“I get stopped on the way to class for interviews and autographs, but it only puts more pressure on me to get the part.”

Sultan added, “Ever since Olivia was banned from tryouts, it feels like all eyes are on me. Everyone has been holding their breath in anticipation for the cast list.”

The fliers, spanning three pages just to fit the title, have also been attracting quite a bit of attention lately (some might even say too much); it has not been uncommon for areas with the most recently updated fliers hung to be jam-packed with students trying to get a glance at the latest regarding ‫של העברי מחזמר‬ ‫תיכון ספר בית‬: ‫העברי המחזמר‬: ‫הסדרה‬ ‫העברי‬: ָ‫העברי גַָצַההה‬: ‫מחזמר‬.

Freshman Jacob Nussbaum shared his concern regarding the audiences that have been accumulating in the hallways: “It’s a madhouse out there. There’s no way to get to class before the bell with these crowds—unless it’s right after my lunch, and even then I have to camp out twenty minutes early just so I can find room to squeeze through somewhere on the third floor.” There have been suggestions to appoint hall monitors and stagger class times to avoid trampling the smaller students.

Meanwhile, most teachers are simply confused by the play’s title. “I speak fluent Hebrew, but I don’t even understand this in English,” said Mr. Rothbort. Rabbi Rosenblum added, “What is this mishegas?”

raeli home. It’s so fake,” laments avid fan Ms. Peles.

While the ratings have soared, so have the critics. The public is calling for more airtime of Rosette, as glimpses of her recent adventures roller skating and at school have piqued interest. Critics threaten to boycott the show until she gets the airtime she deserves, but they’re really addicted, so everybody knows there’s no way that’s happening.

Hebrew teachers all over the solar system are rioting at the Hebrew-ish and lack of character development. Hebrew department chair Omer Adam filed a complaint to the executive director that having the actors say “kilometers” in an Israeli accent instead of “kilometrim” is spreading false information and negating Mr. Adam’s cause. Virtual riots have begun including viral hashtags #WeWantMoreRosette and #WhereAreTheBoys seen on Ms. Schulman’s instagram. The strong fan base

misses boys Sion and Elliot, for the show’s demanding hours has caused these actors to cut ties. The on-screen brothers have been hiding from the public and keeping a low-profile since the split, but Sion has been rumored to sign for season two.

World News Editor

Rodrigo during her solo

By Jenna Ashkenazie Junior Editor

The Yeshivah of Flatbush’s annual pre-Purim choir performance began without a hitch. The choir performed all of the customary songs, like Al HaNisim, in which seniors Joshua Basset and Sabrina Carpenter sang a duet. But junior Olivia Rodrigo stole the show when she started to sing her own solo to an original called “‫רשיון נהיגה‬.”

“Her song was heartbreaking, the lyrics were incredible, and her beautiful voice made it only ten times better,” choir member Emma Dayan shared.

Rodrigo completely upstaged the duet. Rodrigo didn’t get this solo approved by the choir director Mr. Weinstein, but he couldn’t complain. Many people in the audience were brought to tears from her performance. An anonymous freshman said, “I have never heard anything as haunting and beautiful as

this song.” A junior asked, “When will this song be on Spotify? I must add this to my playlist.”

According to many of Rodrigo’s friends, she is “an incredibly sweet and generous person; she would never hurt a fly.” So this of course raises the question of why she would try to upstage Carpenter and Basset. Rodrigo declined to comment, so there are only speculations.

According to different choir members who wish to remain anonymous, Rodrigo and Basset were supposed to sing the duet together, but after they broke up, they couldn’t handle singing together, so the female part was given to Carpenter, Joshua’s new girlfriend. It is believed that Rodrigo was upset over losing her song and her man to Carpenter, so she decided to take matters into her own hands.

In any case, “‫רשיון נהיגה‬.” is in fact available on the choir’s Spotify for anyone who wants to revisit the spectacular performance.

TV Review:

Dweck’s Aliyah Adventure

By Adelle Ayash Managing Editor

After its recent change of location in mid-January, Dweck’s Aliyah Adventure has begun to soar in ratings and positive public opinion, gaining 2 million and 54 followers and over double the amount of viewers, making it the most popular show on the platform. Streamed on provider IGTV, the series is based upon members of a family, the Dwecks, who leave their settled lives as Americans for a life in Israel. First aired on October 15th, the show was set in Brooklyn, New York.

With the development in the plot came movement to Deal, New Jersey; however, with the mid-season special came the biggest climax of them all: the move to Ra’anana, Israel. This is the first show since Dora the Explorer to feature one and a half languages—in this case, English and Hebrew-ish. Israelis and Americans alike have to watch the show with

subtitles.

The Dweck family consists of David, Rachel, Elliot, Sion, Sonia, and Rosette, and the show focuses on their journeys to and in Israel. The show’s producer, David Dweck, pulls double duty as the protagonist,, for he felt no one could fill the spot as he envisioned it other than himself. Some highlight episodes that fans couldn’t get enough of are the “Garden Tour by Rosette,” “Our First Shabbat in Israel,” and “Rosette and Sonia Talk Show Part 2.”

The production crew aimed to create the most authentic content for viewers.

With his booming voice, lead character David was already immersing himself in the Israeli way prior to the relocation. It melded him right into the culture and his role as dominant character of the show. However, the Ra’anana setting is very clearly a green screen. “With all of its popularity, I would think their budget could’ve managed a more convincing Is-

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Fun & Games Ask Pearl Greetings Students! Merle is sitting this issue out. I’m her sister, Pearl, and I know I give much more practical advice.

Dear Pearl, I have so many things to do and I just never do them. Any tips to stop procrastinating?

Stumped

Dear Stumped, How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One! And the lightbulb has to want to change. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Let nature take its course; you don’t need to put “effort” in school because your grades themselves have to want to improve, you can’t force it.

Best, Pearl

Annoyed, I think you should march up to your teachers’ faces and let them know that a half-hour lunch isn’t going to cut it and it’s not your fault that there’s no second bell.

Best, Pearl

Hi Pearl, I’m so tired but I just can’t go to bed early enough to get seven hours of sleep because of all my work. How do I put a stop to this endless cycle?

Sincerely, Tired

Good Morning Tired, I say skip your homework because it’s designed to tire you out so you don’t go party. If you go to bed early you’re completing the purpose of the homework so com ci com ca.

Best, Pearl

Pearl, Since vacation I keep coming a little late to classes and I think it’s going to affect my grade. What should I do?

Annoyed

The Nata reeze

b

JUST A GLASS

• I have made an appointment with almost every guidance counselor in the department. Ms. Dayan, look out.

I’m in the second semester of my senior year and I am the only one in my family who thinks I should still be showing up and completing work. Why. Why, Mom. Why. • I went to Central Park with my friend and while passing through the zoo, we saw an otter jump for fish. It was pure bliss. Just go to the zoo and be happy.

• I am not an awkward person. I’m clumsy and say weird things but on any day I own it. But on my birthday, I will make everyone in the building uncomfortable. Someone will give me a birthday hug and I’ll say, “Happy Birthday.” They’ll say “Happy Birthday,” I’ll say, “You too.”

If people sing “Happy Birthday,” I’ll sing along. It’s just this crazy vicious cycle that comes once a year.

• I will pay someone actual money to get my mom to stop talking about Bridgerton, greeting me Victorianly, and calling me “Daughter.”

THAT’S SHOW BIZ, BABY

• My immaturity levels have skyrocketed in the past week just because in Psych we talk about “love” and the kind our parents have vs. newlywed couples but I can’t handle it. So I have a laughing fit while the rest of the class sits and waits • My mask was tugging on my ears in music class so I was touching the backs of my ears because they just hurt from the tugging. When the music being played

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By Natalie Ryba Fun & Games Editor

stopped I said, “Wow that was so good!

Can you play it again?” A bunch of people around me started laughing because they thought it was sarcasm. They were imitating me covering their ears saying, “Yeah, totally play it again,” and the teacher dubbed me the source of disrespect in the corner.

• I was baking some cookies with the children I babysit and one of them wanted to lick the whole spatula when we were done. I said, “I don’t want you to because you might get sick from the raw egg and flour.” He retorted, “Ugh why did Hashem even invent raw things, they’re so annoying.” I said, “He invented them to be raw so you don’t eat all of the batter before we bake the cookies.” He frowned but hey, that’s just good ole showbiz baby!

I FORGET THE REST...

Shows and Movies

• The show with Kevin James • The show with Mayim Bialik • That show with an animated Nick Offerman and Alanis Morissette • The Netflix show with a cranky lady walking outside Songs • Dada da dah dah dah dah dah dah by the old guy • Dahhhhh da dummm by the even older guy • Dum Dum De De, De De by the old guy in the wig • Do Do AHHH Doo Doo Doo Ahh by the group of young guys in Hawaiian shirts

The Food Corner Although Purim might look different this year due to Covid, you can show off your cooking skills by whipping up one heck of a good trifle for your Purim seudah. Crank it up a notch with a trifle inspired

by Rachel Green in Friends. Layered with chunky potatoes, mushy chop meat, sweet melted ice cream, soured sauerkraut, syrupy strawberries (staying nutritious with fruit!), chopped kalamata olives, and a hint of chicken consomme, you can’t go wrong! This trifle has the perfect amount of creamy, combined with just enough tanginess to make this recipe an all-time favorite. Use the greatest quality ingredients in your trifle: go to the ends of the earth to get the sourest sauerkraut and make sure your water is the ultimate level of unfiltered! Sacrifice whatever it takes for you to get a taste of this exceptional trifle because I am positive that you’re going to love it.

P.S. This is a secret recipe! Only share with those worthy of this unique and flavorful recipe!

Recipe: 1 lb I&D chop meat (will not work from anywhere else) 1 medium-sized onion 7 cups of tap water 1 ½ bag of potatoes, par-boiled in advance 1 pint of parve Oreo flavored ice cream (Mehadrin is preferred!)

3 cups Kalamata Olives (NO prechopped) 3 gallons of strawberries 2 handfuls of sauerkraut 2 tsp of chicken consomme

By Evelyn Tawil Food Editor

Directions: Allow the Oreo ice cream to melt for at least three days before making this recipe, or until ready to use.

Preheat the oven to 600 degrees Celsius Boil 5 cups of hot water. Allow the potatoes to boil for 13 minutes and 40 seconds exactly. Not longer, or they’ll be too soft for the trifle.

Remember, we want chunky potatoes. Then, mash the potatoes and mix in chicken consomme.

Cut the olives.

Chop up the onion. In a separate pot, sautee the chopped onion for 3-5 minutes, until translucent.

Then, add in the chopped meat and break it apart using a fork. Allow the meat to brown for 7 minutes, then add the remaining water (2 cups) to the pot and let it simmer for 20 minutes. Then allow the meat to cool.

Now it’s time to assemble, layer by layer, into a trifle: ½ cup mashed potatoes ½ cup meat ¼ cup melted ice cream 2 tbsp chopped kalamata olives 1 tbsp of sauerkraut sprinkled over the top Repeat this process a dozen or more times, until all ingredients are used.

Strawberries go in between each layer. If forgotten, throw the whole thing away and start over Time for the oven! Bake until golden brown Enjoy! Don’t follow me on instagram @Foodsnobs101 for recipes like this

Standard of Fabulous Pat introduces longer skirts Engel continues to set trends

By Terri Elmann Sports Editor

This past week, Ms. Pat Musco has collaborated with the administration to implement new and improved skirt lengths for the girls at Yeshivah of Flatbush. The current length of “centrals” were deemed not modest enough by Pat and have now been extended by several feet to resemble the long train of a bridal dress.

“Girls in the hallway are always picking up their skirts and rejecting the requirement of skirts being past the calf. I’ve seen way too many ankles for my liking,” Pat explained. “Now, the skirts will be long enough that girls will be unable to lift their skirts and will finally adhere to the dress code.”

The new dress code states that skirts must now trail at least six feet behind the student at all times, which is also conducive to enforcing social distancing requirements; students are unlikely to gather close to each other if there is a risk of tripping on their skirts.

“Cancel culture” has also had an influence on the new rule; the word “central” that girls use to describe their long skirts has now been recalled. Patt has concluded that calling skirts “centrals” is offensive to those that live significantly north, south, east, or west of the school, rather than in the center of the community. Some students have put in a peti-

tion to respect skirts that are color fluid and don’t conform to the standard norm of black.

Students have had mixed reactions to the new rules. One tenth grader, Heidi Haddad, remarked, “It’ll feel like every day is Purim. We’re all going to look hilarious.” Others, such as Lela Cohen in eleventh grade, condemned the new rules, comparing Pat to Queen Victoria and wondering aloud if the students are starring in a live-action version of “Pride and Prejudice.”

Students were especially angered after hearing that the female teachers won’t have to conform to this new rule. In protest of the inequality, Ms. Bloom decided to wear them as well, pressuring her English department clique to join her in helping the students with this transition.

There have been some rumors that this decision might have been influenced by the recent Netflix show “Bridgerton.”

Students of the AV club have hacked into Pat’s Netflix account, learning that the show was on her “watch again” list, seemingly confirming the rumor.

To validate the complaints that girls won’t be able to walk in the streets for fear of dirtying their skirts, the school is offering a solution: specially designed clips that latch the rolled up skirt in the back to the waistband. That way, girls will be able to walk comfortably before they enter school and after they leave.

The administration recommends shopping at “Chani’s Skirts” in order to purchase an authentic train. Teachers who want to buy the skirts will receive a $2.50 discount.

Covid-safe Purim costumes

By Lillian Louz Fashion Editor

Mr. Engel has been reported to be one of the newest fashion influencers behind some of the trendiest looks this season.

From sweater vests to monochrome outfits, Mr. Engel has been the master of it all.

For years Mr. Engel’s wardrobe has been a source of pleasure for students— so much so that they have confessed that while it may seem like they were zoning out during another one of his tangents, they were really admiring Mr. Engel’s outfit of the day and googling where they can find similar pieces.

“Mr. Engel never lets me down. When he is in school, he shows up to class in something fun and spunky. He has lowkey been the inspiration for quite a few of my outfits,” admits senior Eva Cohen, who has been sitting in the back of her history classroom loving his style for two years now. On the frequent occasions he is at home with a cold, his students are bummed about not seeing the day’s look.

“I have been rocking the monochromed look since ’81, so it’s really a shock to me that it took everyone this long to hop on board. It’s about time they realized my cool, but I guess better late than never,” voiced the history teacher, who has been trying to get everyone to hold hands and sing Kumbaya in stylish sweaters.

Similar to this year’s vintage trend of the old becoming the new, Mr. Engel’s outdated fashion is not as unfashionable as once thought. People have been scrambling to get their hands on just about everything Mr. Engel has worn. The thrift

shops were once filled with Mr. Engel’s old sweater vests, but with all the hype they’ve earned, it’s become close to impossible to find any to call your own. If you do get a chance, jump on it and ship to senior Lillian Louz.

Mr. Engel refused to reveal where he shops. However, he did hint at being inspired by The Golden Girls.

Looking at our students’ streetwear, and even other teenagers nationwide, you can clearly see the impact of Mr. Engel. Many teens have been spotted wearing argyle sweater vests, which are Engel’s favorite kind. Some critics have even been calling his influence “the Engel effect;” Gucci reached out to Mr. Engel, commending him on his style and requesting a collab.

So after quite some time we are finally ready to give Engel the title he rightfully earned: the “Standard of Fabulous icon.” We do apologize to Ms. Schulman for taking that crown away from her but we must give credit where credit is due.

By Jennifer Neuman Junior Editor

Want to dress up for Purim and avoid catching the coronavirus? These costumes will help you do both!

The coolest game this year is being brought to life with these new costumes!

You and your friends can match this year, wearing different colors. And it’s CDC approved!

This must-have costume is a creative way to make the virus look fashionable.

In this new and innovative Covid-19 Not only is this virus friendly, but it’s also costume, you can keep the germs out and virus trendy! the fun in! No need to worry about maintaining social distance, this costume will do all the work for you. This costume can keep you 6 feet away from your friends at your next socially distanced Purim party!

If you want to look out of this world this Purim, then make sure you buy one This great mask will allow you to cele- of these. No mask required when you’re brate Purim safely—all Weeknd long! wearing this costume. It’s safe and stylish!

You’ll be the most wanted person at your next socially distanced purim gathering wearing this one! This popular costume is selling out faster than you can imagine. It’s the hottest thing right now.

Warning: for the costume to take effect, you have to wear it twice.

Everyone will have their hands all over you in this costume! You’ll be sure to catch everyone’s attention wearing this one.

If you want to wear something simple yet stylish, then get yourself one of these costumes! Easy to make and even easier to wear, this costume is sure to scare the virus away.

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Sports Tennis team revealed as Flatbush teachers create ruse invented to support fantasy student league myth of rooftop courts

By Daniel Beyda Junior Editor

By Ralph Askenazi Sophomore Editor

Alan Frastai. Stephanie Tarrab. Moe Sutton. Grace Hidary. Leo Rahmey. Esther Benjamin. The other Esther Benjamin. Frauds, every single one of them, as are everyone else who has been claiming to be on the Flatbush tennis team.

The Fauxnix has learned that the tennis team does not exist at all, and was merely an elaborate scheme to convince gullible students that the legendary tennis courts on the roof are real.

“Haha, we totally got you!” declared “Coach” Gelber, who masterminded the entire hoax over the past four years.

“Freshman weren’t falling for the old ‘tennis courts on the roof ’ trick anymore, so we needed to make it more convincing,” he explained. “It was simple. All I had to do was hold fake tryouts, convince a bunch of kids to stay after school pretty often for fake practices, order uniforms, and coordinate with every other yeshiva in the tri-state area. So easy.”

Gelber had help from 40 students,

who not only claimed to be on the tennis team but went so far as to hold fake matches just so the school could post photos on Instagram.

David Cattan was one of the students playing along. “When I was a freshman, seniors tried to tell me about the rooftop tennis courts, but I knew they were sketching. I have 23 older siblings who went to Flatbush, and the joke about courts on the roof was already old when they went here. So when Coach Gelber asked me to help him make it believable, I was all in,” Cattan said.

Most students were amused when the hoax was revealed. “Wow, they really had me believing!” laughed Sheffy Dweck, a junior who is often seen wearing Falcons spiritwear around school. “I even stayed after school to go to their games! But it’s OK, I love school so much that I don’t mind staying here for a few extra hours.”

Others say they suspected all along.

Sophomore Simone Amkraut claimed, “Of course I knew. It’s the only team I’m not on, so it couldn’t possibly be real.

Sportsman Spotlight:

Rabbi Giannis dominates

By Joey Alhadeff Sports Editor

After leading the Milwaukee Bucks to the Eastern Conference Championship series, Rabbi Giannis took his talents back to Brooklyn and straight to the classroom. This year, Rabbi Giannis is inspiring tons of students and has started up the Bucks with a fresh season in the hopes of making it to the Finals. Pivoting from the Bet Midrash to the court, Rabbi Giannis does it in style. Averaging 53 dapim of Gemara per day, 28 points, 12 rebounds, and 6 assists, the Rabbi handles the pressure with ease.

Rabbi Giannis began in YU pursuing his passions for Torah and Misvot, and later moved to Greece to play basketball

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and study ancient texts. “I want to show other players how to juggle religion and sports, and I want to be an example for Jewish kids that they can achieve their dreams,” he shared. His elegance and eloquence brought Yanetz to eventually be drafted to the NBAFBDE (the National Boys Association of Flatbush Basketball with Derech Eretz) in the first round of their draft in 2013.

“My passions for Torah drive me to succeed and excel on the basketball court. I really feel a divine presence with me when I play,” he explained. Recently, Falcons’ Coach Amare Stoudemire converted to Judaism and is now a religious Jew who is committed to Torah and misvot. Coach Stoudemire attributes his conversion to Rabbi Giannis and often

Last Thursday, a snowed-in student working on a project stumbled into the old student lounge, accidentally discovering one of the biggest scandals in school history.

This student, who requested anonymity, detailed what was dozens of teachers huddled around a table with piles and piles of tests from across all grades stacked on top. After quickly glancing at the faculty’s undercover operations, he was forced to flee from the scene when making eye contact with Ms. Benzakein.

“It was one of the weirdest things I had seen in my whole schooling career,” the student said. He also said that it “made no sense” how and why Ms. Benzakein was holding a massive stack of old math finals, and that “something sketchy is definitely going on.”

Further investigation by The Fauxnix, along with detective work by the brightest forensics students, has revealed that this anonymous student stumbled upon the Flatbush faculty’s “Fantasy Student League,” in which teachers bet on students’ performance and success.

Each teacher drafts their team of students before the semester starts based off of previous years, similar to a traditional fantasy league. According to Ms. Bloom, “Students are ranked based on their grades, absences, cuts, green cards… This is why I make a big deal out of someone who’s late. It’s a necessary way for me to remember, guys.”

Each team requires at least one student from every class in school—“yes, including seniors,” Ms. Zaltzman remarked. The drafts often see most honors students selected in the first round, but students taking too many APs can be dangerous picks because their grades can suffer from the heavy workload. Expert analysts say the key to victory is often in finding the “sleeper picks,” students who spent the previous year dozing off in class but who use impending college applications or threats from their parents as motivation to finally reach their potential. speaks to the public about how easy the decision was for him after Rabbi Giannis opened up his mind.

Rabbi Giannis’s true passion is teaching, and that will remain with him forever; “I can’t always be playing ball, but when I get older and my body wears down I can certainly continue to teach … basketball.”

Admired by his students as an educator, and especially the city of Milwaukee as an NBAFBDE star, Rabbi Giannis inspires us all to chase our dreams and to be able to remain religious Jews while doing so.

Rabbi Giannis looks to lead the Bucks to the finals this year and our Yeshivah of Flatbush family will certainly be rooting him on. He might be considered for Flat-

Each team faces off against each other and the team with the most points accumulated at the end of the round is the winner. A student earns points for their test grades in that “week,” so if a student received a 98 on a Chemistry test, he would be awarded with 98 points for his team. (Points on any AP science test are doubled, as students rarely score above 40.) Unexcused absences take away 10 points each, while the damage of cuts varies from 10 to 15 points depending on which subject the student cut. Kissing up to the teacher can add as much as a whopping 65 points, while green cards take away the same number.

For teams lucky enough to make the playoffs, final grades replace test grades as the main source of points. The last round of the playoffs overlaps with each semester’s finals, and the two teams in the playoffs are judged based on their students’ report card grades. The winner of the final round is awarded an additional five paid vacation days the next semester. “Why do you think I’m out so often? I’m a winner,” said Mr. Engel.

The second place winner receives an additional $2.50 off of lunch from the Chanies for a week, enabling them to have a second scoop of tuna at no extra charge.

At the start of the second semester, each player takes part in a second draft consisting of freshmen and students cut from other teams’ rosters. Teams are able to add on exciting rookies. This past year, Mr. Saadia was able to take home the crown in the second semester despite having an underwhelming performance in the first semester campaign. When asked how he was able to right the ship, Mr. Saadia admitted that the source of his success was from the help of a few freshmen he was able to pick up in the second semester draft.

Mr. Saadia entered this year as the reigning champion, going as far as to call himself “the king,” but after failing to keep it up this past semester, Rabbi Yanetz was able to pull away with the extra vacation days this time. He said, “I am lucky to be so good at sports.”

bush varsity basketball team captain this coming year.