How to spot an online Narcissist when you first meet them

So, we’re all in lockdown, times are tough, we’re isolated, restricted, separated, lonely, our very way of life feels threatened. But however tough things are, narcissists are having it tougher.

Everything a narcissist does and says is designed to extract a favourable response from the people around them - admiration, recognition, appreciation. This is narcissistic supply and a steady stream of it distracts the narcissist from the true self that they loathe. It feeds the false self that they have carefully cultivated down the years, to cover up the empty void at the core of their being.

In lockdown, narcissists will have lost some if not all of their supply and that makes them very dangerous. Unable to go out to find new sources, the narc will turn to the only medium left to them – the internet. And it’s here that they can be doubly destructive, particularly to those who are struggling emotionally and mentally during these tough times.

The survivors of narcissistic abuse fill online forums and therapy couches all over the world. People report losing trust in others, themselves and the world. They lose sense of their own views, boundaries and personalities.

The trauma of narcissistic abuse can run deep, as a narcissist, given time, will inveigle their way right into the core of another, and over time, use every scrap of knowledge about that person’s hopes, dreams, vulnerabilities and existing traumas to obtain supply.

Extracting yourself from a narcissist’s web can be difficult, particularly if you’re trauma bonded to the narc, and as with any other addiction, it rarely comes without a cost. You may feel grief, loss, abandonment, or whatever it is you are prone to feel in traumatic times. The earlier you can get away, the better, and best of all would be not to attract them in the first place.

But narcs can be notoriously difficult to spot, particularly in the early stages.

In popular culture, narcs are usually seen as preening, vain, self-promotional types who use their charm, looks and manipulative tactics to get what they want and don’t care who they use or walk over.

Not all narcissists behave like this. Some hide their grandiosity and use covert tactics. Others present themselves as caring, loving, giving to the point of selflessness and wait for it, empathic, in order to gain the admiration that they crave.

When you first meet a narcissist, he or she can appear to be anything from an alluring bundle of charm and energy to the most capable and reliable person you ever met. It’s all a front of course, designed to get past our defences and weedle their way into our lives.

The narcissist’s famed toxic behaviour comes later: gas lighting, crazy making, projection, circular conversations, word salad, misrepresentation and so much else. In essence, these tactics are essentially designed to maintain control and happens when we start questioning them, or attempt to make them accountable for their words and deeds.

Most experts agree that the only way to deal with a narcissist is to get away from them, but the longer they’re in your life the harder this is.

It’s not impossible to spot a narcissist in the early stages of your encounter, though. If you know what you’re looking for, their essential nature will show up, albeit usually in more subtle ways.

What to look for

• Lots of selfies and self-promotional posts about them doing good deeds. Whereas a person who is actually interested in the good cause might just post about the cause itself. • How they become very familiar very quickly – ask lots of questions, want to know all about you. This is information gathering and it enables the narc to get under your defences, gain your trust and work out how best to use what makes you tick, to their advantage. • They’ll bombard you with compliments and flattery to make you think that they like you, have noticed you, rate you and have marked you out for special treatment. The real aim is to get you to rely on this admiration for your sense of worth, so in time, they become indispensable to you, and you addicted to them. • They’ll present an unerring ability to seemingly be, precisely whatever you need at that moment –they’ll seem to like what you like, think the same way as you, believe the same things. Narcs have a chameleon-like quality that enables them to bend into whatever shape they need in order to gain supply and control. • They’ll tell you that you’re exactly what they need, too. It’s almost as if you’ve met your soul mate, rescuer or knight in shining armour, or your guru. If it sounds too good to be true, though, then it probably is. • They’ll come with a story – often they’ll say that they have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, themselves. Presenting themselves as vulnerable is an attempt to make you feel sorry for them. But it is also an early warning sign of more obviously toxic narcissist qualities such as projection, blaming, judgement and lack of accountability. • You’ll soon find yourself complimenting them a lot, almost like a compulsion, sharing intimate details, trusting them (they’ll use the trust word a lot). • They’ll narrate their own story “I am a very trustworthy person, I’m an expert in… I’m very good at……” “I was treated very badly by”….. “Look at what I’m doing today”. • They’ll be surrounded by people who seem overly keen to sing their praises and maybe one or two who tell you a very different, an darker, story about them.

Not all people who present these behaviours when you first meet them will be narcissists. Although if someone does show most or all of these signs, early on, it’s very likely that they are.

If you’re not sure, there are ways to put that person to the test. The narcissist’s dark side remains hidden, but it will appear under certain circumstances. • Ask the narcissist to do something for you that you know will have no resulting benefit for them in extracting supply. Something mundane and functional that no one else will know about. • Disagree with the narcissist over something where the narcissist has presented themselves as an expert. • Try to take the lead in a mutual project or discussion. • Suggest that another person should be involved, or even just talk favourably about another person. Narcissists think competitively and anything you or another

person suggests, they see as a slight on them. • Establish a boundary and stick to it, even by saying something as simple as “I am only available to speak online between these times.” A narcissist will expect you to be available at their whim. • Ask the narcissist to provide evidence of a claim that they’ve made. If they say they used to work at the United Nations, that they are an NLP Master, live in a big house in Mayfair or know Rod Stewart, get them to show you proof. • Ask the narcissist to follow through on a promise they’ve made. If they say they can get you a job at the local University, know of a way to cure your ailment, or claim that they can turn water into wine…. then challenge them to follow through with it. You’ll get a lot of excuses and righteous indignation that you don’t trust them. But remember that in the first place, the narc made this promise for effect – to gain your admiration, for supply. They had no intention of following through with it and certainly didn’t expect you to call them out on their

promise. With a narc words and actions will not match.

Do all of this, and the narcissist will become frustrated as they are having to work too hard for their supply.

They will also be afraid that more scrutiny will show up cracks in the (fake) false self and reveal the (loathsome) true self. They will soon show their true colours, and start displaying all those abusive and avoidant behaviours that narcs are known for when things aren’t going their way. Or better still, they’ll just move on and leave you alone.

Cris Andrews is a freelance writer based near Tring. He also runs the Mind Body Spirit Portal, an online service to help people, during the Lockdown, to connect with card readers, psychics and mediums, healers and other Mind Body Spirit practitioners and retailers.

https://mindbodyspiritportal.com/