Your Teen For Parents: May -June 2018 by Your Teen Media

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

Alone or

Lonely? WHAT TO KNOW. HOW TO HELP.

The Middle School YouTube Craze

GAMER GIRLS

Confronting Online Sexism PAIN MEDS

Do They Really Need Them? When Teens Are Too Hard On Themselves

VOL. 10 ISSUE 5 MAY-JUNE 2018

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WHEN YOUR OLDEST BABYSITS

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

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Finish faster!

Tri-C has the lowest tuition in Northeast Ohio so you can earn college credits and save money this summer. Credits transfer seamlessly to four-year colleges and universities.

Enroll in summer classes.

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CONTENTS MAY-JUNE 2018

FEATURE: Is Your Teenager Lonely? p. 32 Photo: Beth Segal

p.9 9 Bulletin Board

We asked teens #ParentHack Book recommendation By the numbers

12 Stuff We Love

Gifts for moms, dads, and grads

15 In A Minute

ADHD and sleep Seatbelts and fatalities

p.19 17 Move-Out Skills

How to return a purchase

19 In the Kitchen

Sweet potato, bacon, and pesto wrap

p.25 25 Science Rocks

The benefits of a summer spent outdoors

27 Book Review The Hate U Give

20 Did You Know?

29 Study Skills

22 In the Spotlight

30 Family Matters

Self-compassion for upset teens Scary Mommy founder Jill Smokler

How many AP classes is too many? Ugh! Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so hard on me

COVER PHOTO: BETH SEGAL YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

CONTENTS MAY-JUNE 2018

32 Feature Is loneliness normal for

47 Saving for College How to choose a

teenagers?

38 Crossroads Teens and opioid painkillers

48 Healthy Living Vegan, paleo, and other

40 Perspectives When a teen canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stop

stressing about school

leaders

52 Tween Talk Is YouTube okay?

their health?

45 College Corner Experts weigh in on the best

restrictive diets

51 Pathways How teens become

43 Ask the Doctor Is that technology hurting

529 plan

54 Tech Talk Sexism in online gaming

use of summer

56 Hot Topics Author Kelly Corrigan 58 Small Stuff The benefits of a secret

family language

60 Snapshot When your babysitter

p.38

needs a babysitter

62 All About Me

Want more from Your Teen? Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get regular updates on middle school, high school, and everything else about raising a teenager. YourTeenMag.com/Sign-Up/

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YOUR TEEN

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YourTeenMagazine

MAY-JUNE 2018

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p.51

May-June 2018 Volume 10, Issue 5

LOV E F RO M O U R FA N S . . . Thank you for the great posts. As a dad with teen and tween daughters, they are helpful! —Jeff Wood @A_Dads_Tale PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Susan R. Borison

STAFF EDITORIAL

CREATIVE

WEB CONTENT

MANAGING EDITOR

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

SPONSORED CONTENT EDITOR

PHOTOGRAPHER

SEO MANAGER

Sharon Holbrook Jennifer Proe

Meredith Pangrace Beth Segal

Mindy Gallagher Jessica Port

I love to talk about books with students, but reading together is a great, not-too-intrusive way to gain access to your own child’s thoughts. I learned this firsthand when my daughter Emily and I wrote a parent/teen book review for Your Teen. She chose Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Purple Hibiscus. Thanks to Your Teen editor Susan Borison and to Jessica Lahey for recommending us for this fun project! —Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC, author and counselor at Sheridan School, Washington, D.C. Thank you! Your magazine is fantastic! —Mary Connelly @MaryConnelly, Executive Producer of @TheEllenShow

DIGITAL MARKETING MANAGER

SENIOR EDITOR

SALES

Jane Parent

Shari Silk Joan Fortman

COPY EDITOR

Laura Putre

Cary Nagy Swain

WEB EDITORIAL MANAGER

M O R E @ YO U RT E E N M AG .C O M

Whitney Fleming

CONTROLLER

Lisa Lindenberg

PROOFREADER

Emma Freer

CIRCULATION CIRCULATION & DATA MANAGER

Eca Taylor

EDITORIAL CONSULTANT

Diana Simeon

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

Elizabeth Alterman, Nancy Schatz Alton, Mary Helen Berg, Jack Cheng, Cathie Ericson, Bonnie Jean Feldkamp, Whitney Fleming, Sean Grover, Bryan Johnston, Mina Jones, Jessica Lahey, Evan Mermelstein, Ilana Mermelstein, Esther Noe, Kim O’Connell, Nancy O’Connor, Jane Parent, Catherine Pearlman, Jennifer Polk, Jaimie Seaton, Diana Simeon, Sarah Smith, Aimee Wimbush-Bourque, Linda Wolff, Lisa Woodruff, Kristina Wright

What Is Juuling?

ADVISORY BOARD Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Heather Rhoades

Lauren Rich Fine

Founder and owner, GardeningKnowHow.com and mother of five.

Managing Director at Gries Financial.

Nancy Hill

Julian Peskin, MD

Founder of The Agency Sherpa. Past President and CEO of American Association of Advertising Agencies.

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Chris Seper

Regional General Manager, Digital at The E.W. Scripps Company.

Amy Speidel

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.

bit.ly/juuling

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED

Adjunct Assistant Professor of P sychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University.

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

Your Teen, Vol 10, Issue 4, May-June 2018 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2018 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

ADVERTISING

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Teach your teens these easy ways to get out of uncomfortable (or troubling) circumstances.

Expert Julie LythcottHaims, author of How to Raise an Adult, gives her advice.

bit.ly/teenexcuses

bit.ly/stopoverparenting

Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

HAWKEN READY!

CONGRATULATIONS

CLASS OF

2 18 !

For more information about attending or visiting Hawken, please call 440.423.2955 or go to www.hawken.edu

Co-ed Preschool-Grade 12

EDITOR’S LETTER It’s painful to watch our children sitting alone at home while the other kids are hanging out. The worry looms—is my kid lonely? Over the last 28 years of mothering, I’ve been plagued with worry. My youngest says he doesn’t like people. It’s not entirely true—but it kind of is. When he was little, if a “friend” was coming up the front walk, he would get this look of terror and say, “Can you tell them I’m not home?” Last summer he planned to complete his volunteer hours for school. He did not want to work with kids. He did not want to work with people with disabilities. He did not want to work with the aged. He found the perfect volunteer job—he boxed books for a non-profit that distributes free books to underserved communities. And then he came home and hung out with me and my husband.

When my older kids spent time at home, I always hovered on the edge of concern.

I worried about depression, lack of popularity, loneliness. The reel of worry barely took a break.

kid is lucky. (And that’s beyond the inevitable loosening of the rules that comes with parenting your fifth kid.)

My daughters would mention that all their friends were busy. I’d always suggest that they call and see what everyone is doing. In my mind, if you want plans, call a friend. In the mind of a teenager, “That’s awkward.” I was left with only one solution—I would worry in that unhealthy, obsessive way.

We’re hoping that our feature story— on teens and loneliness (page 32)—can provide the same kind of reassuring perspective. And that’s not all. Your Teen is here when we’re all in the thick of everyday worries over our teens like: Is it okay that she won’t eat carbs/ meat/eggs? (see page 48), What does my high school student really need to do this summer? (pages 25 and 45), or What is it with kids and YouTube? (page 52). We get it—and we get the expert advice we all need.

I got a new perspective when I met a psychologist who had written a fascinating paper on loneliness and teenagers. I learned that good can come out of loneliness. Of course, there are times when parents should worry—an isolated teen can be depressed. But there was this whole other piece of loneliness that was healthy and developmentally appropriate. I felt grateful to have a new perspective.

Enjoy the read.

My youngest son really benefitted from this shift. Rather than pushing him to call someone and making him feel bad for hanging out at home, we just enjoy his company. Sometimes the youngest

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

KELLY CORRIGAN

isn’t afraid to explore the deep, tender parts of what it means to be human. The bestselling author and mom of teen daughters gets personal with Your Teen on page 56.

CATHERINE PEARLMAN

is a professor, parenting coach, and the author of Ignore It! She shares her wisdom about how to work through parent-teen clashes starting on page 30.

JILL SMOKLER

is the founder of the popular parenting website Scary Mommy. She opens up about her changing professional and personal life, including becoming a mom of teenagers. See page 22.

SEAN GROVER

is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. He weighs in on how to help an overstressed high school student. Read his advice starting on page 40.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

T H E I S L A N D G E TAWAY YO U C AN D R IVE TO Cedar Point is a place like no other. Where you can relax on a mile-long beach and then defy gravity on record-breaking coasters like the new Steel Vengeance. It’s a place to splash away the day at Cedar Point Shores Waterpark. And then chill out around a fire at the classic beachfront resort Hotel Breakers. It’s the getaway you’ve always wanted, and it’s closer than you think. Start planning your trip today. CedarPoint.com #CPLikeNoOther

BULLETIN BOARD

WE ASKED TEENS...

What do you get tired of hearing your parents say to you? That I am not worth anything. That I can't do anything. It wears me down a lot and it gets to me and makes me question a lot. Anonymous, Milan, NH

“Have you done ______ yet?” As a new teen in college, I feel like I should be taking care of things myself! (Although a small reminder never hurts that much, I guess.) Tara, Newark, DE

“ You need to shower.” Anonymous

“B's in school aren't good enough.” Selah, Olathe, KS

“ You need to learn how to drive.” I’m tired of this because I’m well aware that I need to learn how to drive, I’m just swamped with other priorities. Ilana, Atlanta, GA

“ You should have done this earlier.” I don't want to hear this because I already know! I don't need them to tell me how I screwed up. The reason I came to them was to get help to get out of the situation, not to be told what I could have done to avoid it in the first place. Telling me this doesn't help and just makes me feel guilty and worthless. Lilah, Lake Worth, FL

“ If you were really a Christian, you would [insert thing I'm not doing here].” Kellyn, The Dalles, OR

“ Because I said so.” It doesn't give me a reason or explain why I can't do something. Brooklynn, Roseville, CA

“ Do your homework.” Logan, Shaker Heights, OH

“ You need to shape up and be a lady for your future husband.” I hate being told this because it’s too early in my life to be thinking about marriage. If there is something I need to change, why can't my parents approach me about improving something for my benefit? Jolaina, Philadelphia, PA

I'm tired of my mom asking me if I have plans for the weekend. I'm pretty independent, and she doesn't mind that I tend to do things on my own schedule, but it makes me feel un-trusted that she wants to know every time I get gas. Jeanne-Marie, Cranston, RI

“ Save your tears. There will be worse things to cry over.” As we learn and process what it means to navigate life, tears help us cope with the struggle this oftentimes brings. There may be worse events we will face in life, but right now, not being shamed for our emotions is more important. Emma, Livingston, NJ

#ParentHack

My Teenagers Have Mini-Apartments

rowing up, I loved spending time in my bedroom because it was the one space in our family home I had control over. My sister and I grew up in the country and had few children our age close by. To pass the time, I created a game where we pretended our bedrooms were apartments.   When I had children of my own, I wanted them to feel a sense of ownership over their space, too. I helped them decorate and redecorate their bedrooms every few years to reflect their personal tastes. As they aged, I moved more and more of their personal toys and possessions out of the living areas of our home and into their "mini-apartments."   Now 16 and 17 years old, my children are in full control of their bedroom apartments and shared bathroom. They order clothing and bathroom supplies when they need them, clean their apartments (I require it weekly), and let us know when they want to make upgrades or repairs. I even let them have mini-fridges with drinks and snacks. This subtle shift in terminology has made a world of difference in the ownership they feel for their bedrooms. For me, it’s meant a lot less nagging, and the knowledge that they are growing in independence and readiness for the next stage of life and that first real apartment. Lisa Woodruff is a home organization expert, productivity specialist, and author. Find her at Organize365.com.

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

THE TIME IS NOW. TO BE PART OF A FUNDRAISER LIKE NO OTHER. The Time Is Now to join an audience of community members as we come together to show our support for the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center. Be inspired by a concert performed by over 100 local celebrity leaders as they Sing Out! to • Create awareness • Inspire change • Unite a community The Time is Now to let survivors know they are not alone and prevention is possible.

THURSDAY, MAY 24TH Severance Hall

5:30pm VIP Pre-performance Party 7:00pm Sing Out! Performance 8:30pm Post-Performance Dessert and Champagne Reception Seating is Limited To purchase tickets and for more information, visit:

www.clevelandrapecrisis.org/support/sing-out/

Cleveland Rape Crisis Center supports survivors of rape and sexual abuse, promotes healing and prevention, and advocates for social change.

BULLETIN BOARD

By the Numbers... B O O K R E C O M M E N D AT I O N

The Grown-Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans Josh Shipp was an at-risk youth whose path in life was changed by a loving foster parent who refused to give up on him. Now an adult whose professional focus is youth advocacy, Shipp talks about his own experiences in an engaging and relatable way, shares the advice of experts, and helps parents understand and relate to their kids.   The Grown-up’s Guide to Teenage Humans is filled with actionable advice and helpful scripts for dealing with many issues teenagers face, such as stress, bullying, depression, and peer pressure. The end of the book is jampacked with helpful resources, including a section on 21 ways to ask your teen “How was school?” without actually asking the question, 42 ways you can connect with your teen, and a cellphone contract for parents who want to establish firm ground rules before a problem arises. For parents of young teens, The Grownup’s Guide to Teenage Humans is a terrific book to have on hand when life throws your kid a curveball and you’re not quite prepared for the conversation. For parents who feel like they’ve got it all covered, Shipp offers fresh perspectives on familiar topics, like how to establish clear house rules and open the lines of communication with your teen. The advice throughout is valuable, practical, and relevant. This is one of the best books on understanding teens to come along in recent years.   — Kristina Wright

28% 25

of 16-year-olds have a driver’s license. PEW RESEARCH CENTER

The age at which structural reorganization of the brain is finally complete. (It began in adolescence!) LIVESCIENCE.COM

30.1% of high school students today have had sex in the past three months, compared with 37.9% in 1995. CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION

90%

of teens age 13-17 who have a cellphone say that they use it primarily to text. PEW RESEARCH CENTER

33% of 16- to-19-year-olds either have a summer job or intend to get one. BUREAU OF LABOR STATISTICS

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

STUFF WE LOVE

Getting Ready for College Must-have goodies for the grad

Stadler Form Q Fan

CouchBed

CouchBed is the new, cool-gel memory foam mattress that doubles as a couch. Ideal for dorm rooms, apartments, and everything in between. You’ll have somewhere to sleep on Parent’s Weekend! $299 (twin)-499 (queen), couchbed.com

Prep U Body Spray and Active Dry Powder

Designed specifically for boys. With all-natural ingredients and clean, soothing scents, Prep U products offer a welcome relief to the dirt, sweat, and smells of boyhood. Dude, there’s no reason for that funky smell. Body Spray, $12, Active Dry Powder, $14.50 prepuproducts.com

iKeyp Pro Safe

Keep your student’s medications and other private or valuable items secure at school with this safe. Its companion app allows 24/7 monitoring and alerts you whenever someone tries to open your safe. $149 , ikeyp.com

Sabre Runner Personal Alarm with Adjustable Wrist Strap

We love our college students, and want them to stay safe. This personal device emits a piercing alarm that calls for attention up to 1,000 feet away. Wear it running, walking the campus late at night, or Ubering with a stranger. $19.99 , sabrered.com

YOUR TEEN

MAY-JUNE 2018

Can a fan be adorable? Your Teen’s Circulation Specialist, Eca, thinks so. Tiny, compact, with three speeds, perfect for a dorm room or apartment—this baby’s not getting thrown out in the dumpster after spring finals. $199.99 , stadlerformusa.com

For Dad... For Father’s Day— or any day

Lifeprint Photo and Video Printer

Graduation pictures on your phone? Why not print the best ones and take them to college?This pocket-sized, inkless portable photo printer creates prints straight from your phone. So 21st century! $129.95 , thegrommet.com

Uncommon Green College Mug

Your kid’s going to college—and you’re getting this mug, Dad! Select the town where you send your tuition dollars. You can create a mug for any town in the U.S. $19, theuncommongreen.com

ISOtunes Bluetooth Noise-Isolating Earbuds

Tune out your roommate with this Bluetooth, noisecancelling lightweight pair. Hear the sounds you want to; tune out the rest. Boom. $79.99 , thegrommet.com

Tablift Tablet Table

Does Dad like to lounge in bed or on the sofa with his tablet? Now he can bingewatch, read, or surf the internet handsfree without having to balance or hold his tablet. Game changer! $39.95, thegrommet.com

Curoxen First Aid Ointment The first and only all-natural, organic ointment helps to heal everyday cuts and scrapes better and faster than traditional over-the-counter ointments. Tuck it into your college kid’s steam trunk for that first piercing or tattoo! $9.99, curoxen.com

Motorola Talkabout T480

Every family should be prepared for emergencies, and these two-way radios with weather channels and alerts, an FM radio, and 35-mile range are just the ticket. Plus, this is the cool kind of gadget that dads love. $69.99 per radio, amazon.com

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

STUFF WE LOVE

For Mom... Get ready to relax on your day off Cat's Pajamas Mirabelle Design

These slightly stretchy, lightweight, ultra-comfy PJs in fun, cheerful prints are perfect for lounging or snoozing. Naptime! $96, thegrommet.com

Shihreen UV protection hat

Keep mom safe from the sun’s harmful rays with this packable cotton hat coated with UPF 50. Doesn’t she deserve a hat as cool as she is? $38, thegrommet.com

Perfectly Pink Bag

The perfect zippered pouch for girls of all ages who dream of being at the beach year-round. Put your phone, keys, and sunglasses in here and throw in your tote. And it’s so Snapchat-able! $20, pinklyperfect.com

BROADWAY SUMMER CAMP A musical theater camp unlike any other for teens (14-19) who love to act, dance and sing. Includes master classes with Broadway professionals.

playhousesquare.org/camp 14

YOUR TEEN

MAY-JUNE 2018

IN A MINUTE

Could ADHD be a

SLEEP DISORDER? It’s not your imagination: The number of kids diagnosed with ADHD is on the rise. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in the 1980s, 1 in 20 U.S. children ages 4-17 were diagnosed with ADHD. Today, that number is roughly 1 in 9. There are a lot of theories about what is causing the increase— and in recent years, a new one has popped up. A debate is brewing in the medical world about whether ADHD could be a sleep disorder. Dr. Preetam Bandla, Director of Pediatric Sleep Medicine at Swedish Hospital of Seattle, doesn’t think sleep issues cause

“Therefore, there are kids who are misdiagnosed with ADHD, when, truly, they may have a sleep problem,” he says.

Dr. Syed Naqvi, a pediatric sleep expert at UT Southwestern's Peter O'Donnell Jr. Brain Institute who attended the conference, advises parents to watch for signs of nighttime breathing issues (like snoring or episodes of halted breathing), and to measure how long their child is sleeping at night.

Some doctors also express concern that ADHD medications themselves may interrupt sleep, according to a Science Daily report on a recent scientific conference in Paris where scientists in psychiatry discussed the potential link between sleep issues and ADHD.

Other signs of a sleep issue may include daytime sleepiness, mood changes, irritability, and changes in school performance—or little improvement in school performance after your child has already been on ADHD medications.

ADHD. But sleep deprivation and ADHD share symptoms, such as trouble with focusing, paying attention, and staying on task. Unlike adults, tired kids don’t always appear sleepy.

YOUR TEEN

It’s worth screening kids with ADHD for sleep disorders, Dr. Bandla says. “If you have the diagnosis, it’s worthwhile ruling out or considering sleep issues before going down the medication pathway.” —Bryan Johnston

| MAY-JUNE 2018

IN A MINUTE

Buckle Up Using seat belts—in front and rear seats—saves lives Worried parents of new drivers probably won’t be surprised to hear that car accidents are the leading cause of mortality among U.S. teenagers—they account for one third of all deaths of young people between ages 12 and 19. More startling, perhaps, is the fact that more than half of teens who died in car accidents in 2016 (the most recent data available) were not wearing seatbelts, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Why aren’t teenagers wearing their seat belts? Researchers have been

YOUR TEEN

studying various risk factors, including: Teens are tired. Lack of sleep—meaning seven or fewer hours a night— has been linked to bad decision making, such as texting and driving, riding with a driver who has been drinking, or not wearing a seat belt. Rear seats may seem safer to teens. Many passengers don’t realize they need to belt up in back seats. A recent study found that in fatalities involving back seat passengers, 77% of teens who died were unbelted at the

MAY-JUNE 2018

time of the accident. Furthermore, during a collision, unrestrained rear passengers become projectiles that can nearly double the risk of death for front seat occupants.

SETTING EXPECTATIONS

It’s important to keep reinforcing your expectations and not take for granted that teens already know certain safety precautions. Wendy Tischler Thomas, a certified child passenger safety technician with a teenage daughter, says, “I've tried to lead by example as I've driven

her friends over the past several years. I remind them to sit properly, not to turn around to talk to the backseat passengers, and never to lie down across the back seat.” In addition, creating a parent-teen driving agreement can help families spell out expectations of driver behavior and set consequences for infractions. A ready-made agreement can be found at cdc.gov/parentsarethekey/ agreement. —Jack Cheng

MOVE-OUT SKILLS

Returning a Purchase It might sound easy, but remember how scary the sales clerk was the first time you had to bring something back to the store? This is a skill everyone needs to know, even in an online world.

STORE RETURNS:

ONLINE RETURNS:

1. Find your receipt. You will likely need the receipt or invoice to return the item for a full refund. Some stores will refund without a receipt, but others may only give a replacement or store credit.

1. Check the website. As a rule, it’s best to know the return policy before you make an online purchase, just in case. Go to the online site where you purchased your merchandise. Find and read the return policy. Most online stores will only accept returns of unused and unopened items. If it is clothing, you must keep the tags on the clothing in order to return the purchase.

2. Collect the item. Bring the item to the store, along with all original packing materials and accessories. 3. Identify why you want to return the item. Before heading back to the store, you should know why you want to return the item; e.g., you bought the wrong item, you don’t need it anymore, or it doesn’t work.

2. Follow website directions. Most online stores have step-by-step instructions for processing a return. Follow the steps and select the reason for the return.

4. Research return policies online. If the store has a website, you can read the return policy in greater detail so you know what to expect.

3. Print a return shipping label. Follow the website instructions to print a label. Affix the label to the package, seal it with shipping tape, and drop it off with the designated carrier (U.S. mail, UPS, or FedEx).

5. Tell the clerk you want to return the item. Go to the returns department if there is one, or to a cashier. Smile and explain that you want to return an item and why. Remember to be friendly. You are more likely to get what you want that way. Plus, it’s just good manners. Explain whether you want a replacement or a refund.

4. Call customer service. If you are unsure of any aspect of returning an item, call or email customer service for the website that you purchased the item from. Or contact the seller directly by email to arrange a return or refund if you have purchased an item from a third-party seller such as eBay or Amazon.

6. Don’t delay. Some stores allow returns, but only for a certain amount of time. For example, many stores only allow returns within 14 days of the purchase. You’re going to get better results the sooner you try to return the item.

—Jane Parent

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

GILMOUR ACADEMY Educating the mind Empowering the heart

Their minds know world cultures. Their hearts know people. At Gilmour, state-of-the-art resources and travel abroad programs provide students the opportunity to engage with international peers and connect with global issues. On-campus dorms house students from Asia, Europe and Canada fostering an exchange of ideas and perspectives on today’s most important issues. Our Holy Cross mission prepares students with not only the skills needed to address challenges posed by globalization, but the understanding and compassion to help those affected by them. It’s the advantage of educating the mind and empowering the heart. It’s the advantage of an independent and Catholic school. Call today to schedule a personal tour. 440 | 473 | 8050 gilmour.org/visit

Gilmour Academy is an independent, Catholic, coed school in the Holy Cross tradition. Montessori (18 months - Kindergarten) and Grades 1-12

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YOUR TEEN

MARCH-APRIL 2018

t ion ternac ales interna erto in r aeropu n villeda mo Ó

IN THE KITCHEN

Simple Sweet Potato Wraps (Yes, your teenager can make this) You want your family to eat something healthy at the end of a busy day, without spending all your free time in the kitchen. Check out this recipe from Aimée Wimbush-Bourque, a chef and blogger at Simple Bites, a family-oriented community that believes in unprocessed, nourishing food that kids can help make. “Nourishing and simple to make, these wraps are among our favorite lunch or breakfast-on-the-

the bacon and double up on the spinach for a veg-

ROASTED SWEET POTATO, PESTO, AND BACON WRAP

etarian version, add scrambled eggs for a breakfast

From The Simple Bites Kitchen

wrap, add a slice or two of avocado for a little creami-

Kitchen Makes 2 wraps

go wraps. They are endlessly versatile—leave out

ness, or swap out the pesto for green olive tapenade

INGREDIENTS:

for a bright burst of flavor. If you have a little bacon

1 medium sweet potato, peeled 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil

grease left over, toss the sweet potatoes in that in

¼ teaspoon sea salt

place of the olive oil. If you aren’t cooking for chil-

¼ teaspoon sweet or hot smoked paprika ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

dren, add a dash of cayenne in addition to the papri-

2 whole wheat wraps

ka,” says Wimbush-Bourque.

2 handfuls baby spinach 2 slices thick-cut bacon, cooked 2 tablespoons basil pesto

DIRECTIONS: 1. Preheat oven to 425° F. 2. Cut sweet potato in half lengthwise, then cut each half into four wedges. Toss wedges with olive oil, paprika, salt, and pepper. Arrange in a single layer on a rimmed baking sheet, and roast for 20 to 25 minutes, turning at least once, until light brown on the outside and soft on the inside. Cool completely. 3. Spread basil pesto over the wraps, then divide the spinach between the two. Arrange four roasted sweet potato wedges on each wrap, and top with a slice of bacon. 4. Roll wrap tightly, and then wrap in wax paper. Slice on the diagonal, and enjoy right away or keep refrigerated until ready for lunch.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

DID YOU KNOW?

When Teenagers Are Too Hard on Themselves Teaching self-compassion is key By Nancy Schatz Alton

While teaching an eight-week self-compassion class to teens suffering from eating disorders, Karen Bluth saw a girl realize for the first time that being kind to herself was an option. “She said, ‘Oh! I don’t have to beat myself up and I can still succeed? I never thought of that!’” Bluth, an assistant professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, has seen dozens of adolescents experience similarly eye-opening moments. She created the Making Friends with Yourself course with Lorraine Hobbs, director of youth and family programs at the University of California San Diego Center for Mindfulness. Bluth’s research shows that teens who practice self-compassion are less anxious, stressed, and depressed than teens who are harsh with themselves.

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SELF-COMPASSION VERSUS SELF-CONFIDENCE

Can being kind to yourself be as helpful as being self-confident? Slogans like “Just Do It” convey that believing in ourselves leads to success. But research shows the self-esteem movement was bearing imperfect fruit, says Rachel Simmons, author of Enough As She Is. “Researchers studying self-confidence found that it has an unintended side effect of competition among young people,” says Simmons, “because there is a need to feel better than someone else in order to feel good about yourself.” That act of comparing separates teens from each other. “While being connected is important for everyone, belonging is critical for teens,” says Bluth. “Being a member of a ‘tribe’ is

essential for becoming an adult.” Self-esteem isn’t the right tool for critical moments—say, after missing the winning soccer goal, says Simmons. Self-confidence helps you feel brave before a big moment, but self-compassion helps you recover after you screw up. “It’s an integral practice to help teenagers soothe themselves,” she says.

FOSTERING SELFCOMPASSION IN TEENS

Bluth walks her students through an exercise where they imagine how they would treat a good friend when the friend is having a hard time, and then how they’d treat themselves in the same situation. They realize they’d treat themselves much more critically than they ever would a friend.

“Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kind of kindness and care that you would treat a good friend who is having a hard time,” explains Bluth, who credits pioneering self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff for developing this easy-to-understand definition. To help develop that self-compassion, focus on these building blocks: Mindfulness. Simmons teaches students in her workshops and assemblies to ask themselves how they feel after something bad happened, like failing a chemistry test. Teenagers are better at catastrophizing and denying than understanding their emotions, she says. If they fail a test, “they wear the darkest goggles and say, ‘Now I won’t get into college’ or ‘I did badly because the teacher hates me! Screw her!’ But mindfulness is how you

feel right now: ‘I feel really worried and disappointed,’” says Simmons. Feelings are not a long-term disaster, and feelings can pass.

is like learning any skill. If your teen practices it outside of tough moments, they’ll be prepared to be kind to themselves when they need it most.

Acceptance. Teenagers should understand that they’re not alone. Whatever emotion a teen is feeling right now, it is a universal feeling, and others are feeling it, too. “I tell my students the five worst words you can ever say to yourself are: ‘I’m the only one who,’” says Simmons. “Hey, you’re not the only person who screwed up a chemistry test. Yes, you are unique, but your experiences of suffering are shared experiences of suffering.”

Parents can model self-compassion during their struggles. Show and verbally say how you are taking care of yourself after your not-so-stellar work day. And if your teen fails an exam, rather than saying, “Maybe you should work harder next time,” try: “I know you feel bad and would have liked to do better.” The question What do you need right now? is a fundamental self-compassion tool, says Bluth. By asking this, parents teach kids how to be kind to themselves. Bonus: When they tell you what they need, you might get to help them feel better, too. n

Self-kindness. “When you are feeling bad, you can actually be nice to yourself,” says Bluth, who, in addition to teaching classes, wrote the at-home guide The Self-Compassion Workbook for Teens. Learning self-compassion

Super parents paren Find Yourself

at Cuyahoga County Public Library

Free Homework Tutoring

YOUR TEEN

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IN THE SPOTLIGHT

QA &

...with Jill Smokler

Ten years ago, Jill Smokler founded a little blog for her family and friends when her three kids were just babies and toddlers. It became the wildly popular website Scary Mommy, which is known for its irreverently honest approach to parenting. Smokler recently sold and began to step away from the site, just as her kids were reaching their teen years.

What made you first sit down and write your first blog? Smokler: It was just feeling completely alone in raising three kids. I had a newborn and a 2- and 4-year-old. My house was madness all the time. I was in this new, ill-fitting neighborhood. And I couldn’t relate to anyone I knew. You were trying to take away this notion of perfection in parenting that we all are burdened with, and you did it in a way that resonated so well. Now that your kids are getting older, has it changed how you write? Smokler: Absolutely—I barely write anymore. It is much less entertaining. When they are little all the stories are universal— they use a swear word or whatever, little things they get into that are funny and relatable. But now that their stories are really their own, it’s so much more complicated. Being in the moment with them now, I don’t want to share with strangers. If I want to share something I will put it on my personal Facebook page. I don’t need to be sharing with 3 million people about what my daughter is going through. I am uncomfortable with it in a way that is different from when they were little. Do you have a sense that people wish you would keep writing about your older kids? Smokler: Yes. Occasionally when I post something on Facebook, people say that they miss my voice. I do miss the con-

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nection. I miss communicating over commonality. I’m trying to figure out how I can do that without compromising my kids and their trust in me. You will figure it out. Do you feel like you are a better mother having done the blog? Smokler: I would have answered “yes” five years ago. When the kids were little it gave me perspective. My mom would come over and say my house was so loud and insane and ask how I wasn’t a drug addict or alcoholic, and I would say it was the blog. Whenever they were driving me crazy, I would get on and tell people and they would laugh with me and I would feel better. That really served that purpose so well. Now I would say no. I think the only thing that makes me a better parent is talking to parents of kids the same age. I am realizing I need to write again. It would help me, but I haven’t written in so long. One of the things we try to confront at Your Teen is this Facebook world of family life where it looks like everyone else is always having the perfect vacation. Smokler: Even the lighting. How do they all get it to be so perfect? It’s miraculous where they are. No one had rain except for us. Smokler: Exactly.

So as your kids enter the teen stage, do you have any sense that you are prepared to mentor them in this online world, and draw that line between what is honest and what is cultivating an image? Smokler: It is so frustrating. Last year on Mother’s Day, my daughter posted a picture of the two of us. She must have taken 20 pounds off me, fixed my hair, and gave me higher cheekbones. I told her I was not comfortable with that—that wasn’t what I looked like and I didn’t want that out there. I made her take it down. She was really unhappy with me, but I felt like it was a really important stance. I can empathize with her when she is having a rough day or dealing with a mean girl. I can tell her I understand and I remember what it was like—but we didn’t have this real-time witnessing of what you are missing out on all the time. If you weren’t invited to a party on a Saturday night, you maybe found out about it on Monday. But you weren’t watching it happen on Saturday night when you are home alone. It is tough. You make it clear you are not a parenting expert. How do you define your expertise now? At the end of the Scary Mommy journey, what are you? Smokler: I am definitely stronger. I thought I always knew who I was, because I didn’t care what people thought, and I thought that was the same thing. But this last year—separating from my

husband, moving into a new house, and taking care of the kids all on my own— I realize I can have my own rules in my own house. I just sort of realized what I want, and what I want my life to be. That has been empowering, realizing I can make the decisions now for us. This was my biggest fear, the life I am living right now. I didn’t want to do it alone. And yet—I can’t say it’s the happiest I’ve ever been, but I don’t remember the last time I cried. Whereas I cried every day before, all the time. So that feels better. I wish I had the ability to see that my “worst-case scenario” was better [than where I was], and I couldn’t see that when I was in it. That is great advice for our kids, too. It is so hard to tell kids that don’t have the same experience that we adults have that it gets better, because they have nothing to draw on to prove that. Smokler: Exactly. And life evolves and you just don’t know. It is crazy, it just is. You never know how things will evolve and what relationships will resurface and how it all happens. n Interview by Susan Borison

YOUR TEEN

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Meet the

NOW OPEN flying reptiles that ruled the prehistoric skies.

Ever wonder why fireflies shine like stars in the dark of night? Or how certain fish illuminate the darkest depths of the ocean? Join the Museum on an adventure to uncover the facts behind natureâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s glowing mysteries at Creatures of Light at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.

NOW OPEN They flew with their fingers. They walked on their wings. Some were gigantic, while others could fit in the palm of a hand. Millions of years ago, the skies were ruled by pterosaursâ&#x20AC;&#x201C; the first vertebrates to achieve flight. Not dinosaurs, birds or bats, pterosaurs were flying reptiles that lived in the world of dinosaurs 220 to 66 million years ago. This exhibit from the American Museum of Natural History, New York, showcases rare fossils, lifesize models and activities to bring pterosaurs to life.

Pterosaurs: Flight in the Age of Dinosaurs is organized by the American Museum of Natural History, 1 WADE OVAL DRIVE, UNIVERSITY CIRCLE, CLEVELAND, OHIO 44106 New York (www.amnh.org)

cmnh.org

1 WADE OVAL DRIVE, UNIVERSITY CIRCLE, CLEVELAND, OHIO 44106

cmnh.org

SCIENCE ROCKS

Brain-Boosting Summer Break It’s time to hit the outdoor classroom. By Nancy O’Connor

You can’t see it, and sometimes you may wonder if it’s working. But your teen’s brain, weighing in at roughly three pounds, is moving through critical stages of development right about now. After a school year of sitting at desks and looking at screens, it’s time for a change—and the best thing to help that brain grow might be to take it outside. “Outdoor education and nature exploration are tailor-made for the robust development of a teen’s cerebellum, and other brain areas as well,” says psychologist Thomas Armstrong, author of The Power of the Adolescent Brain. The good news is that there are a growing number of outdoor programs offered by recreation departments, nature centers, and museums that are geared toward teens. Even your backyard can become an “outdoor classroom” by planting a vegetable garden, building bird feeders, or installing a composting system. “I find teens learn well outside because it is a fully immersive experience. They can be engaged with all of their senses,” says Julia Swanson, outdoor education coordinator at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. “They can enjoy the mental challenge of solving a scientific puzzle, the physical challenge of collecting the data, and the emotional reaction of being in a beautiful place, all at once.”

The Science Behind Outdoor Ed

The scientific term is “experience-dependent neuroplasticity”—but it’s a simpler concept than it sounds. “Certain areas of the brain, as they are being pruned and wired, are extremely respon-

sive to the experiences teens have in the outer world,” says Armstrong. “So, if an adolescent decides to spend his summer in front of the television or playing video games, then that’s going to be wired into his brain.” That’s not the best thing for a teenage brain. “On the other hand, if he spends time with outdoor sports, hiking in nature, exploring the fauna and flora of the outdoor world, and in other active behaviors, then the brain is going to be wired in a more complex and functional way,” says Armstrong. It doesn’t take a brain scientist to conclude that teens with more complex and functional wiring will be better positioned to take on the emerging challenges of adulthood.

Learning Comes Naturally Outside

Swanson finds that teens who accompany her each summer on the museum’s weeklong backpacking excursion learn a whole lot about plants, wildlife, camping etiquette, nature conservation—and themselves. “They learn they can step out of their comfort zone and survive,” she says. “And they learn how their choices and attitudes make an immediate difference to each other and to our planet.” Tabby Banks backpacked with Swanson last summer. “The first few days can be pretty rough, getting used to carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders,” she recalls. “And my bug spray was essentially ineffective! But I learned I enjoy nature a lot more than I thought I did. When you have just a tent separat-

ing you from nature every night, it makes you appreciate what you have—like a house, a television, your cellphone. But being outdoors was relaxing and calming compared to everyday life.”

A Boost for the Classroom

Whether or not teens are aware of it, the great outdoors is filled with handson lessons in math, science, and art. No wonder outdoor experiences can positively impact academic performance. “The cerebellum is important in carrying out complex motor actions like those required in sports, camping, climbing trees, and hiking in nature,” explains Armstrong. “More recently, scientists have discovered that this area of the brain is also important in higher cognitive processes that are involved in reading, mathematics, and related skills.” So, when you’re brainstorming ideas to keep your teen occupied this summer, don’t skimp on outdoor activities that can maximize the physical, emotional, and cognitive benefits of connecting with nature. n

From Your Teen for the Cleveland Museum of Natural History, where discovery starts with you. Learn more at cmnh.org.

Photo: CMNH/Laura Dempsey

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

You Are the #1 Influence on Your Teen Graduation celebrations. Prom. End-of-the-year parties. Do you know where your teens will be and what they will be doing? As parents, you should have open discussions about expectations before your teen heads out to a party, event or activity. The Party Checklist and Teen Promise below are great tools to guide these conversations. C Pa r t y

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For Information: Chris Ruma-Cullen, LISW-S, CDCA Director of SAY

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school throughout Cuyahoga County. *SAY school-based services are offered for free in the following suburban school districts: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst.

YOUR TEEN

MAY-JUNE 2018

216.320.8203 cullenc@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org

BOOK REVIEW

The Hate U Give Angie Thomas pulls no punches in her bestselling YA novel about teens, race, and America's unfinished business

TEEN REVIEW

PARENT REVIEW

At the beginning of the year, I vowed to read more in 2018. After looking through seemingly endless lists of the best books of 2017, one book that appeared on them all seemed to stand out. That book was The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. From the very beginning, the writing style gripped me and brought me into Starr Carter’s world. It was just so raw and real. And then the book only got better. The story focused on Starr’s personal life and the big social issues she faced as a black girl in modern America, covering things like the smaller acts of racism from her peers as well as things on a national scale, like police brutality. The Hate U Give felt like a real person telling me a story. That, along with the well-crafted storytelling, made this book easily one of my all-time favorites. It’s a rarity: a book for teens that deals with civil rights in the modern world, a time when we shouldn’t have to—but do have to—worry about people being targeted for race. The characters in this book have depth. They are relatable and interesting, unlike other books I’ve read that tackle big issues like racism, sexism, and homophobia. Also important, the issues in The Hate U Give are handled well and correctly, not misrepresented or drawn one-dimensionally. The Hate U Give was a very good book. I would recommend it to anyone interested in a book that discusses important social and cultural conflicts in a raw and gripping manner.

There is no better time to read Angie Thomas’s novel The Hate U Give, a story about the birth of a young activist. As I write this, young activists across the country are discovering their voices, rising up, and insisting on their right to be counted in the political process. Starr Carter, the heroine of The Hate U Give, is a perfect role model for these young revolutionaries as they navigate the challenges inherent in speaking up in a society that’s not always ready to listen. Starr straddles two very different worlds: her home in Garden Heights, a black, poor, and often violent neighborhood, and Williamson Prep, her white, affluent, and cosseted private school. Thomas deftly articulates the line between these existences by making Starr code-switch in her dialogue. (Codeswitching, the practice of shifting languages, dialects, or cultural contexts in different settings, is a common experience for many people of color in the United States.) When Starr witnesses the murder of her childhood friend Khalil during a routine traffic stop, Starr must decide whether to risk her anonymity and safety in order to stand up for him. Khalil was unarmed, and Starr is called on to testify against the police officer who killed him. As the story unfolds—and Khalil’s case becomes a divisive national issue—Starr is torn between her two cultures with their disparate truths and views of the world, and is less and less able to move fluidly between them. For a generation raised on tidy Disney endings, the conclusion of The Hate U Give may leave some readers on edge. I think this is a good thing. Thomas’s ending reflects the world we live in, one that is often upsetting, unfair, and unsettling. It’s important to visit the edge, a place we should probably commemorate as a landmark. It’s where kids like Starr, tomorrow’s political and cultural leaders, will launch themselves forth, soar, and create a more equitable world than the world that kids like Emmett Till, Trayvon Martin, and Khalid experienced. In Starr’s words, “Fairy tale? No. But I’m not giving up on a better ending.” And neither should we.

Mina Jones is an eighth grader at Haas Hall Academy in Fayetteville, AR. She is Jess Lahey’s niece.

Jess Lahey is a teacher and the author of The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed.

YOUR TEEN

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STUDY SKILLS

AP Classes: Load Up or Lay Off? When it comes to Advanced Placement classes, sometimes less is more. By Linda Wolff

When my son was in high school, he piled on Advanced Placement classes like delicious, gooey cheese on a plateful of nachos. He had set his sights on going to an Ivy League college and was determined to take every AP class he could muster. It should be noted that this push did not come from us, his parents. In fact, we didn’t have even one AP class between us. We could do little more than provide him with food and hugs. Although he handled it well, I questioned his decision to take such a heavy load. There is a part of me that feels that kids should be kids. College will come soon enough. But taking those courses ended up paving the way to his dream school and made his first semester at college a breeze.

Are APs Right for My Kid?

So, does every student need to take AP courses? The short answer is, not necessarily. Knowing your child and being realistic about their ability and time constraints is a good place to start. “Some kids can take on a heavier load than others and be comfortable with it,” says Emily Levitt, vice president of education at Sylvan Learning. “You really need to know your work ethic and how much commitment you are willing to make because these courses are challenging and ask much more of you than a regular course would.”

One thing to note is that it’s not necessary for students to take AP classes as freshmen, or even as sophomores. “Junior year is when students tend to load up on AP courses because that’s when they’re starting to position themselves for the colleges they’re going to apply to,” explains Levitt. “That’s when they may need to start thinking about making their transcripts more attractive.” However, it’s quality, not quantity that should guide your student. “It is not a matter of taking as many AP classes as you can. It’s a matter of taking as many AP classes as you have a passion for,” says Cyndy McDonald, a former high school college counselor who now advises other counselors. “Colleges don’t want to see a student slack off by taking all easy classes, but they also don’t want a student to stress themselves out with so many AP classes that they don’t do well, or they burn out.”

well on the AP exam? If so, then I would say get a tutor and tough it out. If that’s not the case and they’re worried about their GPA, then I would drop down to an honors level or its equivalent.” Kelly DeBie’s son, a high school junior, struggled to keep up with all the work in AP U.S. Government this semester, so he dropped to an honors-level class. His grade improved from a D to an A, and the class was still weighted an extra .5 towards his GPA. “He didn’t see the point in torturing himself to get a low grade in a subject he has no interest in pursuing as a career,” says DeBie. Levitt wants parents to keep this in mind: “The main thing colleges want to see is that students challenge themselves. The world doesn’t come to an end if they don’t take all APs. Rest assured, they will still go to college.” n

When It’s Too Much

While rigor is important to admissions officers, so is maintaining a good grade point average— so if your student is floundering, it’s time to have a conversation. “If a student is struggling in an AP course, it’s important to keep in mind the ultimate goal in taking that AP course,” says Levitt. “Was it the experience of taking a college-level course and trying to do

From Your Teen for Sylvan Learning, where our personalized approach to learning— including AP class support— can make all the difference. Learn more at sylvanlearning.com.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

FAMILY MATTERS

I’ve Had a Hard Day, and This Is How She Treats Me

TEEN

It’s been a long day at school. I start off my morning by sleeping in past my alarm. There’s no time to eat breakfast, and I forget my lunch.

It’s safe to say things don’t improve throughout the day. I am looking forward to going home and just relaxing. Yet I’ve barely parked the car in the driveway—and before I even close my door, my mom has begun her daily interrogation routine. She always asks the same questions. How was your day? Did you learn anything new? Why didn’t you clean the kitchen this morning? I always give the same answers. Fine. No. I thought it was clean. And yet, she always asks. No sooner has my final answer left my lips when the commands begin. Take in the groceries! Let out the dogs! Don’t walk into the house with your shoes on! Go vacuum the driveway! (Okay, maybe not that last one.)

MOM

It’s been a long day at work, with plenty of stresses and concerns. The phone rang nonstop, I had to deal with an unhappy customer, deliveries were late, and bad weather was interfering with our work schedule.

The kids left the kitchen a mess when they hurried out the door that morning, leaving scrambled egg remains drying on the counter, dirty dishes in the sink, and milk souring in smudged glasses on the counter. I haven’t even begun dinner preparations and am already planning which child has to go where after school. Now I hear the slam of a car door in the driveway, announcing loudly that the teens are home from school. I happily greet them with a big smile on my face, hugging bodies laden with monstrously heavy backpacks. Imagine my shock when I am met with surly faces and monotone answers to my sweet queries about their days and subtle requests for help with bringing in the groceries.

Of course, I comply sweetly and without complaint (even with the most bewildering requests) so as to avoid the wrath of my mother, and then I attempt to slip away unnoticed. But I hear my presence being beckoned once again. Always one more chore.

When I try (oh-so-gently) to pry information out of these humans that I gave birth to, the coldness could freeze boiling water! At the teensiest request for a little assistance, the children act like they are being forced into heavy labor.

Sometimes I just can’t wait for college.

I roll my eyes and do it myself.

Sarah Smith is the spectacular third child of Jennifer and is ready to embark on a worldwide yak-hunting tour after high school graduation. Or she may just go on to school to be an engineer.

Jennifer Polk is the weary mother of four challenging children. Sarah is her third. Jennifer is an engineer and owns a business in South Carolina.

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PRO

Teens and parents cohabitate, but they are of ten on very dif ferent planes. Jennifer and Sarah’s struggle is a common one. With a few adjustments, this situation could be greatly improved.

Share feelings. Parents and teens each have their own stresses, but neither Sarah nor Jennifer seems to be able to empathize with the other. Each should have five uninterrupted minutes to explain how she is feeling. They can speak about what they need from the other without saying what the other doesn’t do. For example, Sarah can say, “When I get home from school, I need a little time alone to decompress.” Jennifer is more likely to hear and understand this than if Sarah said, “You never leave me alone. You are always nagging about something.”

Set clear expectations. Jennifer can set clear expectations and communicate those expectations—preferably in writing—and then enforce consequences consistently. She will then avoid feeling like a nag or just doing it herself, and this will be better for both mom and daughter. Lastly, it would be helpful for mom to avoid reinforcing some of her kids’ unpleasant behaviors. This can be done by ignoring the whining, complaining, and provoking behaviors that teens use regularly to avoid having to participate in family activities or do chores. Instead, Jennifer could focus her energy on rewarding her kids when they listen, follow through, or are pleasant. Catherine Pearlman is the author of Ignore It: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. Catherine is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of The Family Coach.

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

Understand teen development. Sometimes, without a more appropriate way to gain independence, teens lean toward the rude and obnoxious. Realizing that this is developmentally appropriate can help Jennifer not to take it personally. Consider parents’ feelings. Similarly, it would benefit Sarah to learn that how she interacts with her mother directly impacts the way her mother responds to her. If Sarah brushes her mother off and doesn’t do what is asked, it only makes sense that Jennifer will become aggravated and intrusive.

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Photos by Beth Segal

Alone in the Crowd HOW TO HELP WHEN YOUR TEEN FEELS LONELY By Mary Helen Berg

Emilia S. of Olathe, Kansas, was a popular chatterbox in middle school. She was a student leader who helped integrate younger students on campus, participated in tons of activities, and spent weekends hanging out with a half-dozen friends. Freshman year, everything crashed to a halt. Her friendships faded as her class split up to attend different high schools. She didn’t make her high school drill team or the school play and couldn’t seem to find a spot in the right club. On weekends, she stayed in her room or watched movies with her parents. “I think it was really tough on her,” says Emilia’s mom, Julie. “I felt for her, too. It was a rough year.” To make matters worse, on social media, Emilia’s former middle school friends looked like they were having a fabulous time together at their new school. Emilia retreated into her shell, and Julie began to worry. Finally, Emilia admitted that she ate lunch alone every day. “She just kind of felt like she didn’t have anyone,” Julie recalls. No parent wants to picture their teen sitting alone in a crowded cafeteria, but research shows that feelings of isolation are common among adolescents. Seventy percent of 18-year-olds report recurring bouts of loneliness, according to a study published in the Journal of Sociological Inquiry. And though it’s not unusual for a teen to spend a lonely afternoon with nothing to do, prolonged feelings of isolation can be damaging, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Research shows that lonely adolescents are more likely to be bullied and feel depressed, and are at a higher risk for suicide than other teens. The impact can last into adulthood, making loneliness “an important public health concern,” according to the journal study.

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FEATURE

IS LONELINESS NORMAL?

Despite potential long-term consequences, feelings of loneliness are not only inevitable, but somewhat necessary for teens, says Jeff Rothweiler, a clinical psychologist at St. Louis Children’s Hospital. “I’ve never met a teen who didn’t have an occasional period of loneliness,” says Rothweiler, who has treated teens for 28 years. “Some of the tasks they need to complete for their development require a little alone time.” This partly explains why teens hole up in their rooms. Solitude gives adolescents the opportunity to develop autonomy, form opinions, and define their value system, he says. “Partly, it’s about pulling back from certain people in their lives, from parents and family of origin, in order to help them establish a better sense of identity,” Rothweiler explains. This means parents shouldn’t panic if their teen seems lonely. After all, every teen has conflicts

and separates from friends now and then, Rothweiler stresses. But keep an eye on it. If loneliness persists and your teenager seems troubled for two weeks or longer, it may be cause for concern, he cautions.

THE LOOK OF LONELINESS

Loneliness may look different with your teenager than it does with others, so it’s important for parents to stay attuned to their teen’s individual needs and distinct personality. Even teens with a lot of friends can feel lonely, says Katie Reeves, a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner for the Children’s Health Council in Palo Alto, California. “There’s a real loneliness that’s possible with kids who appear to be social,” Reeves says. They may be interacting with their peers, “but not effectively, or not in a way where they feel understood. Or maybe they’re trying to interact with peers that aren’t necessarily there to support them.”

Reeves says she sees a lot of social kids who say they feel misunderstood, or that their parents, friends, or family members don’t really get what they’re saying. That feels isolating, too. Your teen’s personality also helps determine their tolerance for loneliness, says Dr. Brian Primack, a researcher and professor of medicine and pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh. “You might think introverts are going to be more lonely because they spend more time by themselves,” Primack says. But introverts generally are more comfortable with solitude, spend time alone by choice, and don’t need to reach out as much as other personality types. Extroverts, however, draw energy from crowds and other people, so an extroverted teen with few friends may suffer more with loneliness than an introverted teen, explains Rothweiler. Ultimately, though, “no one is immune to loneliness,” he says.

How to Help: As always, with teens, “there’s a tricky balance between micromanaging and not being supportive enough,” says Primack. He advises parents to let teens work out issues themselves as much as possible, so that they develop resilience.

 DO:

• Listen, empathize, and nod, says Reeves. Validate your teen’s feelings, and don’t try to fix the problem until you really understand what’s going on. • Suggest that your teen broaden their social network. They can pick one or

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two kids from class that they want to know better and start by saying hello, recommends Rothweiler. Later, try a brief conversation. Then make an invitation. An activity in a new setting— outside of school—can also expand a teen’s social circle. • Seek counseling or mentoring, if needed.

 DON’T:

• Let teens completely isolate, warns Dr. Evans. Keep them enrolled in school and engaged in family, church, and community activities.

THE ROLE OF SOCIAL MEDIA

The human need for real-world interaction has evolved over millions of years. It isn’t about to change with the click of a keyboard, says Primack, who has studied the link between social media and feelings of isolation in young adults. “Eye contact, listening to laughter, touch. If those different things are now being achieved more through an emoji rather than an actual laugh, or through a virtual discussion, rather than an actual in-person discussion, it doesn’t mean it’s evil,” notes Primack. “It just brings up the question: Is that an appropriate and sufficient kind of substitute?” So far, research shows that virtual contact isn’t adequate. Social media provides countless avenues for teens to connect, but offers just as many ways to feel excluded—and doesn’t replace personal contact. Researchers have found a link between Facebook use and symptoms of depression—because users feel bad when comparing themselves to others, according to a 2014 study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. In addition, a study published in the November 2017 edition of the journal Clinical Psychological Science found that a surge in adolescent mental health issues and suicides directly corresponded to increased use of smartphones and other media. However, social media isn’t always the bad guy, Rothweiler says. It can be a resource that helps teens jumpstart connections that eventually ease loneliness. If face-to-face contact seems intimidating, social media can provide a comfortable way for teens to reach out, initiate plans, or even launch relationships with others.

YOUR TEEN

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FEATURE

RED FLAGS

Chances are that a teen who squabbles with their best friend or breaks up with a partner will feel temporarily lonely and sad. Depression is more long-term, lasting at least two weeks, and can be a serious mental health issue, says Primack. It is often accompanied by other symptoms, such as feelings of sadness and guilt, a loss of interest in activities, an inability to concentrate, changes in appetite or sleep, or thoughts of death or suicide. “If you see your teen socially isolating themselves like they never did before, that’s a big red flag,” says Dr. Yolanda Evans, an adolescent medicine doctor at Seattle Children’s Hospital

and author of Teenology 101, the hospital’s blog for parents of teens. “When kids pull away from any and all social outlets or contacts, or really don’t want to engage in activities they enjoyed before, parents should start to worry.”

ONE MOM’S APPROACH

Sometimes being around new people can help. Emilia’s mom, Julie, eventually recruited a school counselor, who met with Emilia and then asked teachers to switch up seat assignments and create small work groups in class to help the teen make new friends.

Ultimately, little changed at school, but Emilia, now a 16-year-old sophomore, seems to accept being alone more, and she occasionally spends time with friends from a Taekwondo class outside of school. “I don’t know if it’s solitude and she’s happy with that, or if it’s loneliness,” Julie says. “When I ask, I get the ‘that’s a stupid question’ look.” For now, Julie says she’ll keep an eye on Emilia, try not to worry, and adjust her own expectations. “Maybe you just have to accept that they are happy,” Julie says. “Even if it looks different than what we would want for them.”

What to Say to a Lonely Teen First, determine whether your teen is temporarily lonely or suffering from prolonged isolation. If the problem is short-term, Rothweiler suggests phrases for parents: This, too, shall pass. Log off. Get face-to-face. Look up and say “hi” to people. It always gets better. You might have to work on it, but it can definitely get better.

If your teen suffers from prolonged loneliness, speak up, particularly if you notice changes in behavior. Primack recommends these questions: Would you say that you’re sad? Have you lost interest in things? Have you had problems with sleeping or eating? Are these feelings so bad that you’re thinking about hurting yourself?

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If your teen has selfharming thoughts, seek counseling and make a pact with them, Primack says. Say: If you ever start feeling that way again, you come and tell me right away.

TEEN SPEAK

Lonely But Never Alone For as long as I can remember, true friends have been hard to come by. When I was little, there were two neighbor girls whom I considered my best friends. Then one day without warning, they decided I was too young to associate with them and left me behind. It broke my heart. What was wrong with me? Had I done something? Was it my fault? I couldn't understand why they had deserted me. For a year I would sit on the couch and watch them walk past, wishing things could have ended differently. Years later, I was a part of a youth group where we were all close friends. Suddenly, it shifted. My friends shut me out without explanation. I was no longer accepted as myself, but instead scorned and teased. It was just over, and I was left feeling utterly broken and alone. Every time my friends rejected me, I blamed myself. I was sure the problem was me. However, my family helped me to see the truth. They listened to my cries, understood my pain, and encouraged me. When I was depressed, my mom would take me shopping or watch a movie with me. In the evenings, my dad would stay up late to talk, while my older brother made a point of hanging

out with me. Through them I knew beyond a doubt that I was abundantly loved, even if I wasn't accepted by certain others. Though I was lonely for friendship, my family never let me feel alone. I've learned that we all have our flaws, but we all are uniquely special. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just me, and no one should ever try to be something they're not. True friends love and accept you just the way you are. I know there are other teens who are hurting and feel alone, but they don't have to be. They need love and encouragement. They need to see just how incredible they really are. Not for the way they look or the things they do, but for who they are on the inside. Spend time with the teens in your life. Let them know that they are loved and never alone.

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Esther Noe is a fun-loving teen from Minnesota who enjoys reading, music, playing the guitar, dancing, crafts, and baking. While she enjoys moments of solitude, she prefers spending time with her family and wonderful friends. You can find more of her writing at stargazersforhim.wordpress.com.

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YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

CROSSROADS

Teens and the Opioid Epidemic Think twice about filling that painkiller prescription. By Jaimie Seaton If your teenager has had wisdom teeth removed, it’s possible the dentist sent them home with a prescription for an opioid such as Percocet (oxycodone) or Vicodin (hydrocodone). Prescription opioids were developed to treat severe pain, but in the past two decades, they have been marketed for widespread use. The rapid-release painkillers are chemically similar to endorphins, the body’s natural pain reliever. Opioids also release the hormone dopamine, which creates a feeling of euphoria. While they are effective for treating pain, they may not be necessary. A

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new study has found that they are no more effective than non-opioids. (In this study, they were specifically tested in treating back, hip, and knee pain.) Most concerning is that opioids are extremely addictive. They pose a huge risk for kids who may start off taking them for legitimate pain relief, but get hooked.

Addiction Can Happen Quickly

“They’re playing Russian roulette,” says Donlon Wade, who has been a

teen substance misuse counselor for over 40 years. “They take one and get a pretty good high, and it either scares them away because the cravings come so quickly—or, instead, they want to repeat the euphoria.” When the bottle of pills is gone, the addiction continues. This can lead the teen down even more dangerous paths. Wade treated a teenage girl from an affluent community who sold everything in her home while her parents were away in order to buy opioids, which cost at least $1 per milligram on the street. In extreme cases, this can translate into an $80-per-day (or more) habit.

“If you child is having surgery, talk to the doctor about whether they actually need a narcotic.” “We often see patients who may have started using prescription opioids and then start using heroin or fentanyl because it’s less expensive and gets to a more potent high,” says Sarah Bagley, a pediatrician and specialist in adolescent addiction at the Grayken Center for Addiction at Boston Medical Center.

What Can Parents Do?

If you child is having surgery, talk to the doctor about whether they actually need a narcotic. Dr. Bagley says it’s perfectly reasonable to have that conversation with your provider and share in the decision. “There are still going to be times when opioids are indicated,” says Dr. Bagley. “We don’t want teens or other people to be in pain, but there are times when we can treat with non-opioid medication.” If the doctor does prescribe an opioid, keep careful track of the pills. “Parents can play a really important role by being aware of how many pills are prescribed, keeping them in a secure location, and monitoring what their child is taking,” says Dr. Bagley. “Once the pain is resolved, you really want to take those extra pills and dispose of them.” Police departments, pharmacies, or city offices often have safe depositories to dispose of leftover or excess prescription medications.

Look for the Warning Signs

Wade says the signs that indicate opioid abuse are the same as for other types of drugs or alcohol.

“If grades start going, if money starts disappearing, if their attitude changes, if secrets start flying, you’ve got some issues,” says Wade. Dr. Bagley says that if you notice changes in behavior, then you should work with a healthcare professional to figure out what’s going on. Your child may have become more withdrawn and moody for other reasons—depression or anxiety, for instance—but you won’t know until you investigate. “It can be hard; you need to trust your parental gut,” says Dr. Bagley.

Prevention Starts with Communication

An open, honest relationship with your child is the best preventative measure you can take, both experts say. “They need to be able to talk to you in a way that’s safe, so they are not going to be punished about what they share,” says Dr. Bagley. It’s also important to continue providing structure. Be aware of where your child is after school and on the weekends. Set rules and stick to them. “Something that will really help is the quality of the relationship you have with your child,” says Wade. “If you’re not in communication, and not doing things with them, you have a good chance of never knowing all this stuff is happening.”

“When families are in the throes of this, they forget that teens can get better—do get better,” she says. “But it’s a condition that’s going to require continuing care over time.” If you suspect your teen is using opioids, reach out to your family medical provider, who may refer you to a substance misuse counselor, or an organization that offers support to addicted people and their families. Above all, do something. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away. n

RESOURCES FOR PARENTS Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator on their website at findtreatment. samhsa.gov. Their hotline, 1-800662-HELP (4357) offers free, confidential information in English and Spanish for individuals and family members facing substance abuse and mental health issues 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For more information, also see National Institute on Drug Abuse at drugabuse.gov and Partnership for Drug Free Kids at drugfree.org.

This Disease Responds to Treatment

Dr. Bagley stresses that it’s important for parents to understand that addiction is a disease, not a moral failing, and that treatment works.

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PERSPECTIVES

STRESSING ABOUT

Schoolwork PARENT By Evan Mermelstein In my experience, parenting a toddler, a child, and a younger adolescent involves direct instructions a n d re s p o n s e s . Parenting a teenager, on the other hand, involves more indirect participation. I want to allow my teenager to have independence, to try new things, and have new experiences, but the flipside is that she is still a child and needs parental assistance on major decisions that may impact her future. My daughter, a high school sophomore, is trying to maintain a delicate balance between overloading herself with things that will impress colleges and what she can successfully handle, stress-wise. She is an overachiever who will accept responsibility for too many of these supposedly impressive things. When she eventually gets overwhelmed, she has a meltdown because she is unable to complete them all to her exacting standards. It appears to me that she is not alone: High-achieving high schoolers are caught between a rock and a hard place when it comes to satisfying college admissions offices. Because they want to gain ad-

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TEEN mission to the best possible college, they cannot enjoy their high school years. With my daughter, I have found that my simple counseling will not change her internal drive. For example, I have suggested that she either learn to be okay with not completing everything, or find a new friend group—as her friend group generally includes similarly driven individuals. But neither solution is acceptable to her. I also had her meet with a college counselor to get an independent opinion about her college application readiness. The counselor told Ilana that she is in great shape for admission to a high-level college, but this has not lowered her desire to overachieve. Thus, I have become more reactionary than proactive: My daughter gets overwhelmed and has an emotional meltdown. We try to talk through it and figure out how best to overcome it, and, eventually she moves past it. We then await the next situation which will lead to a similar breakdown. I am hopeful that there is something I am missing that can help her avoid or reduce this vicious cycle.. Evan is fortunate to both like and love his two children, ages 18 and 16. When not working, he likes to write poetry, listen to ‘70s music, and hang out with the family dog, Ruby, and the family cats, Zeus and Lilo.

By Ilana Mermelstein I’m currently trying my best to get through my sophomore year of high school, although high school is seemingly becoming less and less about high school—and more about college. Everything we do is to prepare us for the next step, whether it be the PSAT, the SAT, or end-of-course testing. Whatever that next step may be, the end goal is always college. Sure, it seems a bit unnecessary so early on, but the sad part is that it isn’t. College has become so competitive that doing your best doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. If you aren’t piling on more than you can handle, you’re behind. All this competition and preparation and stress is quite overwhelming. Nevertheless, we all feed into the culture of preparing for college because there isn’t really another option. What is it like to cope with the pressure of the impending college process? Stressful, but in a weird way. I look forward to researching the place where I’ll be spending four years. Writing college essays sounds thought-provoking and inspiring. Touring possible schools looks

like an interesting time of exploration and discovery. It’s all the stuff in between that creates stress. Knowing that I won’t attend the college of my dreams if I don’t meet certain standards is a weight on my shoulders. The goal, I guess, is to lift that burden off my back to get to the fun part. But that burden is heavy—really heavy. I guess I’d compare it all to riding a bike uphill. The closer you get to the peak, the harder the ride becomes. One wrong move, and you’re sent flying backwards down the hill. Once you manage to get over the peak, though, everything comes easy, and you’re able to enjoy the ride for the first time thus far. Right now, I’m nearing the peak of the hill. My pace is strong and steady, but my legs are burning. I refuse to give up because making it over that hill is the only thing I have. I feel like a setback would send me backwards down the hill, and it would be near impossible to get back where I was. So I keep pedaling, no matter how hard it gets.

Ilana Mermelstein is a sophomore from Alpharetta, Georgia. She blogs at youngandthoughtful.weebly.com. In addition to writing, she enjoys petting dogs and playing her ukulele.

EXPERT By Sean Grover Dear Evan, I want to congratulate you on raising such a determined daughter. Here are some tips for helping your overachiever: 1. Schedule Downtime Make it a priority to schedule downtime with your daughter, no talk of college or academics. During these times, unplug

as a family—no technology. Constantly checking messages or social media dulls the senses, fuels anxiety, and undermines peace of mind. 2. Maintain Healthy Home Structures Hold fast to routines and schedules. Structure soothes anxiety and reduces stress. When teenagers complain about stress, they are usually caught in a reactive loop—obsessing, ruminating, and not sleeping enough. Setting limits is unpopular, but you can’t be a good parent and be popular all the time. 3. Limit Discussions about the Future Be mindful not to spend too much time speculating about college. Anxiety usually springs from unknowns, and a teenager’s future is full of them. Do your best to adopt a chill attitude and say, “Let’s talk about this tomorrow.” Don’t let discussions drag on. If possible, schedule a day to review college essays instead of endless everyday discussions. 4. Maintain Balance Academics is a part of teenagers’ lives— not their whole life. Rather than talk about school problems all day, go for a run or hit the gym. For example, a cardio workout of 30 minutes or more lowers anxiety and depression in teens up to 70%. Your daughter will feel better, think more clearly, and sleep more soundly afterwards. 5. Keep a Positive Attitude Don’t be a fixer. Rather than solve your daughter's problems, which increases dependency, listen more than you talk. Listening is curative, the basis of all therapies. Help your daughter come up with her own solutions. Remember, she won’t have you beside her in college to guide her. Dear Ilana, Clearly, you’re intelligent, articulate, and ambitious! You’re destined to succeed in life, regardless of what college you attend. Follow these simple suggestions to lower your stress levels.

1. Keep College in Perspective Don’t buy into the hype—your entire future does not depend on getting into a particular college. Some teenagers are accepted to their dream college, only to be disappointed, and others attend one of their safety schools and love it. 2. Strive, Don’t Stress Professional athletes rarely use the word “stress.” When you call something stressful, you increase tension in your body and create psychic pressure. Strive, don’t stress. It will sharpen your mind and lower your anxiety. 3. Aim for Balance Exercise, diet, be creative. Academics are a part of your life—not your entire life. An unbalanced life breeds unhealthy obsession and rumination. Mindfulness practices such as yoga or meditation are great ways of bringing more peace into your life. 4. Take Regular Breaks Many brilliant thinkers came up with their best ideas while on vacation. They understood the value of releasing pressure. Maintaining a brutal schedule leads to burnout. Self-care and academics are equally important. 5. Put “Fun” Back in Your Planner Schedule “fun-breaks” and “academic-free” zones in your week. Reboot creative activities. Visit friends, go to a concert. Playfulness lowers tension and reinvigorates. Sean Grover, LCSW is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker with over 25 years of experience helping parents fend off nervous breakdowns. He is the author of When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully—and Enjoy Being a Parent Again. Find him at seangrover.com.

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

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ASK THE DOCTOR

Tech-Related Injuries Is technology hurting your kids? Adolescents who spend hours each day using electronic devices can be at risk for repetitive strain injuries. We spoke with Dr. Scott E. Van Valin, pediatric orthopedic surgeon at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee, about avoiding tech-related injuries. What are repetitive strain injuries? These are musculoskeletal injuries that we see from doing the same movement over and over again. It describes discomfort and, occasionally, loss of muscle strength and function. Typically, these kinds of injuries affect the neck, back, hands, and arms. We saw this phenomenon a few years ago described as “Blackberry Thumb” or “Text Neck.”   Are teenagers at risk of developing “Texting Thumb” from cellphones? Believe it or not, we are seeing fewer and fewer of these kind of repetitive thumb, hand, and forearm strain injuries in adolescents. The Blackberry Thumb that was such a problem for a few years has really abated, due to a combination of factors. Most devices now have easy touch keyboards that don’t require users to exert quite so much pressure. And you can use other fingers on smartphones instead of just thumbs. Plus, Wii and Nintendo controllers are more ergonomically designed. Blackberry Thumb, frankly, is a much bigger problem in adults than in adolescents. What tech-related injuries are you seeing now? The biggest thing we treat adolescents for is what we call “Text Neck” or “Phone Neck.” It’s poor posture caused by people tilting their heads down, either when they use their phone to text, or when they cradle the phone between their head and shoulder. Most people aren’t thinking

about how heavy their head is—around 10 lbs—and the strain that looking down puts on their neck. If you are sitting up straight, your spine, shoulders, and ears should be aligned and form a straight axis. When you’re spending hours texting, hunched over your phone, your spine is curving forward, your spinal column is arched, and you are putting a lot of strain on the cervicothoracic junction— that bump at the very bottom of your neck where the neck connects with the upper back. The more time spent looking at your phone in this posture, the more repetitive strain injury and associated neck pain you’re going to experience. How much screen time is too much? Interestingly, there haven’t been any studies yet to determine that answer. The American Academy of Pediatrics, however, recommends no more than two hours a day of using your phone or tablet. And this can be an additive problem: hours and hours of cellphone usage—combined with slouching and those really heavy backpacks many teenagers carry—can lead to these kinds of musculoskeletal problems. How can teenagers avoid neck strain? Make sure your desk is set at the proper depth. If you sit in front of a computer for hours at a time, you can get neck and back pain or sore wrists if you don’t have your chair or keyboard at the right height. The proper measurements are available on the internet. Look forward while you type and

not down. Parents, take a photo of your teenager and show them if they are slouching or if their neck is leaning forward. Remember, you want your ears to be positioned basically over your shoulders so your spine is correctly aligned. Sometimes people don’t even realize they have bad posture until they see what they look like.

How should you treat any soreness or pain? Physical therapy is the best way to treat repetitive strain injuries. For neck or back pain, we encourage postural awareness. Stay active; increase your core strength and also your back muscles. Persistent posture problems can lead to back pain and even spine surgery in the future, so be aware before it’s a significant health issue. Have you seen any other injuries as a result of tech use? There is a whole separate category of tech-related injuries that affect adolescents. A national database tracks techrelated ambulatory accidents in hospital ERs. These are injuries such as walking into a wall, or falling and hurting yourself while texting. Twenty-five percent of reported injuries happened to patients who were younger than 20 years old. So inattentiveness while texting or talking on phones injures lots of young people. Interview by Jane Parent

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What Should Your Kid Do This Summer? College experts give their opinion By Linda Wolff

Summer, once the last sweet bastion of youth, has become for many collegebound high school students just another opportunity to set themselves apart. When I was growing up, summers meant jobs scooping ice cream or answering phones behind a desk, with weekends at the beach. The paycheck wasn’t much, but it was a symbol of delicious freedom. For most of us applying to college back in the day, our summer activities were rarely fodder for an amazing college essay. Fast-forward to today’s competitive college environment. What does the ideal summer activity look like to a college admissions counselor? Should your teen take enrichment classes, work, or volunteer? With so much seemingly at stake, it seems more important than ever to make summer count. But the truth is, there is no one “right” choice. “You need to keep the individual student in mind and see what works for them,” says Cecilia Castellano, vice provost for strategic enrollment planning at Bowling Green State University. “I like to see that students have done something with their summer, because I think that leads to a better, more wellrounded student both in and outside of the classroom. However, there’s nothing wrong with working at the local ice cream shop. Having the experience of being responsible and showing up are valuable life lessons.” If your teen needs to beef up their

transcript, this could be the perfect time to take another class. Burying their nose in a textbook or coddling a Petri dish may not be their ideal summer, but if it helps to lighten their load during the school year and boost their GPA, the tradeoff could be worth it. “If your goal is to be admitted into an Ivy League school, how you spend your summer is a different conversation than if you’re looking to be admitted to a school within your state or a private school that is moderately selective,” says Castellano. If it’s Ivy League or bust, summer may be a time to be strategic. “In addition to perfect grades and test scores, you’ll need to consider a job or community service chosen with intention that makes you stand out and will help you contribute to those elite institutions.” College counselors are an invaluable resource to help students make their summer plans. “When students ask me what they should do over the summer, we come up with exactly what they're missing right now or what they wish they had more time to devote to,” says Sara Harberson, college counselor and founder of Admissions Revolution. “Summer should be spent filling a void—either a personal or an application one. One specific thing doesn't fit all students.” Volunteering can be a great way to help spend the summer, but only if it’s genuinely fulfilling for your teen. “My kids volunteered not because it looked good on their college application but

because we value contribution to the community as a family,” says Ohio mom Bonnie Jean Feldkamp. “You have a better work ethic when you understand that you are part of a community and your job contributes to a better quality of life for you and your neighbors.” Summer school, working, and volunteering are not the only options for collegebound teens. “Attending summer camps can also be a great way to do some career exploration if you’re interested in a particular major or field of study,” says Castellano. Most would agree that even though the impetus is to do something meaningful and productive, all work and no play is a mistake. “Students also need to have some downtime,” recommends Castellano. “I don’t think that students need to be scheduled 40 hours a week. There’s something magical about summer when you’re a student, so you still want to let them enjoy that.” n

From Your Teen for Bowling Green State University, which is proud to sponsor 500 study abroad programs in more than 400 countries. Learn more at bgsu.edu.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

THIS IS MY. . .

COLLEGE SAVINGS PLAN For as little as $25, you can open a CollegeAdvantage 529 account and start saving for your child’s future — no matter what your goal. Our online tools and calculators make building a 529 plan that suits your family’s needs simple and easy. Make college doable by starting your taxadvantaged college savings plan today at CollegeAdvantage.com/YourTeen

CollegeAdvantage is a 529 college savings plan offered and administered by the Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, a state agency. To learn more about CollegeAdvantage, its investments, risks, costs, and other important information, read the Plan’s Offering Statement and Participation Agreement available at CollegeAdvantage.com. If you are not an Ohio resident or taxpayer, learn if your home state offers state tax or other benefits for investing in its own 529 plan.

YOUR TEEN

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SAVING FOR COLLEGE

Choosing the Right 529 Plan By Diana Simeon

ou’re ready to take the plunge and start saving for college with a 529 plan—a tuition savings account that offers tax advantages. But did you know that you don’t have to choose the one in your own state? With plans available in all 50 states, it makes sense to evaluate your options. Here’s how to go about it.

Step 1: Start with Your Home State

There’s no rule saying you must invest in your home state’s 529 plan, but the majority of states offer their residents tax incentives for doing so. “More than 30 states offer a tax credit or deduction for contributions to a 529 plan,” explains Kathryn Flynn of Savingforcollege.com. Incentives vary by state. In Ohio, for instance, it’s a deduction of up to $4,000 a year on your state income taxes starting in 2018. Just go online and search “529 plan” and your state’s name—or use a site like Savingforcollege.com, which aggregates information about every 529 plan available. Once you get the details for your state’s plan, read them over. But don’t jump in yet. Next, it’s time to see how your state’s plan stacks up. “The benefit of a tax deduction or credit may be outweighed by a plan’s lessthan-stellar performance,” notes Flynn.

Step 2: Evaluate Plans

Here’s what you’ll want to look for when evaluating plans side by side. If you’ve done any retirement planning, these criteria will be familiar to you. Past performance: While past performance can’t tell you how the 529 plan will fare in the future, it is an indicator of how well a fund has been managed.

“Look closely at performance over the long term,” recommends Timothy Gorrell, executive director of the Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, which manages Ohio’s 529 plan, CollegeAdvantage. How the fund did last year is helpful, but how the fund has performed over a longer period—or since its inception—matters more. Management: Gorrell also recommends that families pay attention to the investment firm managing the fund. While states operate these funds, they tend to partner with investment firms—like Vanguard, Fidelity, and Blackrock—to handle the day-to-day management of the 529. Just as you would in selecting an IRA, you’ll want to make sure your 529 will be managed by a firm with an excellent reputation. Fees and expenses: As with any other investment, “fees and expenses can eat away at your gains,” says Flynn. Compare plans side by side to make sure you’re not getting soaked. Investment options: Flynn also recommends making sure you’re comfortable with the fund’s investment options. Again, like IRAs, 529 funds typically offer different types of investment portfolios— from more conservative to more aggressive—for families to invest in. “Most also offer age-based options where you can pick your investment portfolio based on your child’s age,” she says. “Early on you can be more aggressive, but as you get closer to the time you’ll want to use these funds, you will want to get more conservative,” explains OTTA’s Gorrell. “The age-based plans are readymade to follow that glide path.” Ease of use. How easy is it for you or your relatives to contribute to the plan? How easy is it to access the money when you’re

ready to use it? And, most importantly, can you afford the required minimum contributions? “That is certainly a priority for us,” notes Gorrell. “We have kept the initial minimum and ongoing contributions low. Our hope is that even if investors start modestly, they will see what a small contribution does and be encouraged to do more.” Ohio’s 529 plan, CollegeAdvantage, also provides a portal where friends and family can easily contribute and qualify for their own Ohio tax deduction. Ratings. It’s helpful to look at ratings, just as you might for the funds you pick for an IRA. Using a website like Savingforcollege.com can help you compare 529 plans based on the criteria that matter most to you. Last, but hardly least, once you select a plan and start to invest, you’ll want to check in from time to time to make sure the fund continues to perform to your expectations. With a little luck and a lot of due diligence, you’ll be ready to write that first tuition check when the time comes! Note: The recommendations in this article are for direct-sold 529 plans. If you work with a financial advisor, you can ask your advisor to recommend an advisor-sold 529 plan.

From Your Teen for Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, administrator of CollegeAdvantage, Ohio’s 529 College Savings Program. Helping families save for college for more than 25 years. Learn more at collegeadvantage.com.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

HEALTHY LIVING

Vegan, Paleo… or Just Plain Picky? What to consider when your teenager adopts a restrictive diet By Cathie Ericson

ori Sawyer of Spokane, Washington, wasn’t completely surprised when her daughter Annie announced at age 13 that she wanted to be a vegetarian. “She has always been a huge animal lover and flirted with the idea a few times before, but it never stuck,” she says. When Annie changed schools last fall, several of the kids in her class were vegetarian. Seeing them make it work gave her the confidence that she could stick with it, too, Sawyer says. Annie is hardly alone. Five percent of teens identify as vegetarians, and veganism is growing rapidly among young people. Paleo, gluten-free, and other alternative diets are also becoming more popular.

An Informed Decision

It’s easy to be caught off guard when your teen suggests such a major life change.

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Whether it’s for ethical or health-related reasons, there should be a “why” behind the change, says certified nutrition coach Hope Pedraza of inBalance, a fitness and wellness studio in San Antonio. “Parents should discuss with their teen the reasons behind their decision, and factor out the possibility of an eating disorder,” she says. “Changing eating behavior should come from a healthy mindset, not one that honors restriction or control.” Pedraza also recommends that parents ask their child to research the diet. Are they really ready to never eat eggs, cheese, pasta, or burgers?” “Sometimes this research helps them see that they are, in fact, biting off more than they can chew—and it isn’t a sustainable life change,” she says.

Is It Healthy?

Courtney Schuchmann, a registered dietitian in Chicago, encourages families

to seek advice from a healthcare provider about ensuring adequate nutrition. She also advises doing both initial and periodic follow-up bloodwork to help ensure that the diet remains healthy. Weight loss is a common concern with limited dietary choices, and it may indicate an unhealthy relationship with food—especially if a teen is underweight or loses a lot of weight very quickly. Schuchmann does not recommend restrictive diets for picky eaters—teens who aren’t open to trying new foods or aren’t interested in eating healthy staples like beans, nuts, and seeds. While Sawyer didn’t see a health provider about her daughter’s vegetarianism, she did discuss her nutritional expectations. “I told Annie I had no problem supporting her, but it didn’t mean she could default to carbs and cheese, which she admitted was true for some of her vegetarian friends,” says Sawyer.

WHEN TO WORRY

Instead, together they discussed a diet that would include more veggies and fruits, along with beans, eggs, and other healthy sources of protein.

A child who is more interested in the control and restriction of certain foods, rather than health or ethics, may be vulnerable to an eating disorder, Pedraza cautions. Parents should also be on the lookout for lethargy and frequent sickness—as well as nutrient deficiencies that may be indicated by changes in: Eyes: night blindness, dryness

The Hassle Factor

It’s not unreasonable to consider what a teen’s special diet might do to your kitchen. After all, many parents feel like short-order cooks as it is. With the Sawyers’ older two sons off to college, accommodating Annie hasn’t been an issue. “My husband Ben and I don’t mind eating vegetarian, so most of the time I just make meals we can all eat,” she says. Or she’ll adapt the meal, such as adding ground turkey to a vegetable bean soup after serving Annie’s portion. Consider also that teenagers interested in new ways of eating can be expected to pitch in on new ways of cooking, too. Making a meal to share with the whole family can be a way for everyone to understand and enjoy the teen’s new diet. In addition, joint meal planning and shopping can emphasize a team approach to this lifestyle change and help ensure a balanced diet, says Schuchmann. Participating in cooking and meal planning can also help teens stay educated on how food affects them and their bodies, adds Pedraza, and hopefully validate why they made the choice in the first place.” n

Nails: soft/brittle, ridges, white spots Hair: hair loss/thinning Skin: inflammation, bumps, flakiness, dryness, eczema Mouth: changes in taste, mouth sores, bleeding gums, very cracked/peeling lips, swollen tongue Muscle: soreness/spasms or restlessness of legs/arms Other signs of disordered eating, adds Schuchmann, are constant concern over weight, significant weight loss, avoiding foods for fear of weight changes, avoiding social outings because of food restrictions, and having to eat in front of other people.

Blake Atherton Georgetown Law, JD, Class of 2020 University of St. Andrews, MLitt, International Security Studies, 2017 Georgetown University, BSFS, School of Foreign Service, 2016 Congressional Intern, Office of the Speaker, John Boehner, 2015 St. Petersburg State University, Russia, 2014 Georgetown University Men’s Varsity Soccer, 2012

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FINDING HIS

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YOUR TEEN

MAY-JUNE 2018

PATHWAYS

Your Teenager, the Changemaker? It’s not a question of if, but when. By Nancy O’Connor

hen my son graduated from high school, he left behind a dozen misplaced hoodies, several costly calculators, and a few frustrated teachers. I realize this is not uncommon. But I also know it is possible for teens to leave behind a more, shall we say, robust legacy. Take Firas Abboud, for example. Firas, a senior at University School in Hunting Valley, Ohio, cares deeply about promoting acceptance and celebrating diversity. To this end, he helped create a Diversity Day program that has now become an annual tradition at his school. He also created a multicultural fair for student clubs focused on diversity and inclusion. As a result of his efforts, “Firas will be remembered as a guy who wanted to make sure everyone at the school was valued and felt valued,” says Bruce Wilhelm, the school’s assistant headmaster.

EVERY TEEN CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Firas’s example doesn’t have to be the exception. All teenagers have the capacity to be changemakers, says Seth Godin, author of What To Do When It’s Your Turn (And It’s Always Your Turn). “It’s not a question of can it be done; instead, we’re only talking about degree. Every teen has inspired at least one other person, lent a hand to a friend in need, shared an idea, or told a joke that made someone smile.”

Wilhelm agrees that every student has the potential to lead, but adds that they may find that potential at different times. He advises parents to “be an ally, but don’t try to forge the path for them. Instead, look for opportunities to support your teen’s interests and pursuits, comfort them in their failures, and model leadership and integrity at home. Ultimately, kids will find their own paths.” For most teens, the opportunity to make their mark will flow naturally from their involvement in academics, sports, theater, or community service. Others may find that political activism on a particular issue propels them into action and inspires them to work for change.

HELPING TEENS FIND THEIR LEADERSHIP LEGS

Whatever school, community, or societal issue your teen cares about, they can have a greater influence today than ever before, says Godin. “We live in a powerful moment in time, when anyone who cares can raise their hand, offer an insight, share an idea. A moment when, for the first time, we can spread ideas, connect with millions, and lead our people on a journey.” For Firas, that moment came at a student diversity leadership conference during his freshman year. That experience ignited his desire to make a difference. “I wanted to be a leader in bettering my school community,” he

says. “It was important for me to share what I had learned: that it is important to listen, versus making assumptions about others and their ideas.” While we want our teens to become independent agents of change, the reality is that they cannot do it in a vacuum. “As parents, we need to teach our kids to lead, to solve interesting problems, and to care enough to fail along the way,” says Godin. For his part, Firas was very appreciative of the support he received along the way from his teachers, friends, and parents. “In our senior yearbook, I had almost 50 people to thank for helping guide me,” he says. And if your teen is a late bloomer like mine, take heart. That kid who left hoodies in his wake as a high schooler forged his own path in his 20s, teaching English all over the globe and creating a positive change in his students’ perception of America. n

From Your Teen for University School, serving 870 boys in Junior Kindergarten to grade 12, and whose mission is to inspire boys of promise to become young men of character who lead and serve. Learn more at us.edu.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

TWEEN TALK

Can YouTube Be Safe for Tweens? Despite new safety measures, YouTube is still risky By Whitney Fleming

y kids first started watching YouTube a few years back when a friend from school introduced them to Steve, the Minecraft guy. I didn’t understand the obsession, but after painstakingly watching a few of the episodes, I felt it was harmless and allowed it. Steve opened the door to an entirely new world for my three tweens. We started watching videos of girls creating purses out of duct tape, in-depth makeup tutorials, how-to segments on cake decorating, and lots of funny animal videos. Our entire house was hooked, but then we started seeing the dark side with a few simple mis-clicks. There is a lot of scary stuff on YouTube. Questionable content, in addition to adult content, includes physical dares

such as the recent Tide Pod challenge, girls promoting their achievement of a thigh gap through aggressive dieting, and a slew of vloggers (video bloggers) whose goal is shock value.

Middle School = YouTube

“If you go onto any schoolyard, you can hear kids talking about the latest YouTube video,” says Elizabeth Milovidov, founder of DigitalParenting. com and author of The Parent's Guide to YouTube and YouTube Kids. “I think those conversations indicate that the shared online experiences contribute to their social culture language.” To connect with their friends, middle-schoolers often want to be plugged into what’s happening on YouTube. At the same time, parents are concerned about the content their kids might see.

Kids love discovering new videos on YouTube, and that often means exposure to iffy stuff—even when they're not seeking it out. Most tweens find out about new videos either from their friends or by clicking on the related video links (which may or may not be appropriate).

Do Parental Controls Work?

In recent years, YouTube has increased the parental controls available on its platform. The company developed an app, YouTube Kids, which is intended to be loaded with only family-appropriate videos, thereby dramatically reducing the exposure to questionable material. (Note that journalists have flagged disturbing videos that were not caught by the YouTube Kids filters, so there is no guarantee of appropriate content even here.) Photo: Beth Segal

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Unfortunately, many tweens find the content too limiting and geared to younger children. YouTube also offers restricted modes of viewing to block objectionable content— but it functions differently on each device, which can be frustrating to parents. Restricted Mode filters out any adult content or content that other YouTube users have reported as inappropriate. This setting can be accessed simply by scrolling to the bottom of any page on YouTube or its app and clicking the “on” button. “Most tweens are smart enough to figure out that the Restricted Mode can be turned on and off with the click of a button at no risk of the parent finding out,” says Chris McKenna, founder of Protect Young Eyes. “That’s why we recommend kids younger than high school only have access to YouTube through a browser that has third-party-filter controls installed.”

McKenna also suggests parents frequently tell their tweens that they will review their internet history through monitoring software. “Nothing is as great an indicator of what is on your child’s mind and heart than what information they are seeking online,” he says. “Spying doesn’t teach them anything. But, being openly accountable for our actions teaches them a lot about being careful with their clicks.”

No Magic Solution

The problem with YouTube videos is that inappropriate content can spread across the platform like wildfire before parental controls or parents themselves can identify it. “I suggest that parents watch how their children interact with their devices,” says Milovidov. “For example, are they angry, aggressive, depressed, or anxious after watching certain channels or episodes? Obviously, if that is the

case, parents need to intervene.” Parents who expect YouTube control software or third-party apps to filter out inappropriate content will quickly become frustrated, she adds. Using such filters will help, but moms and dads are the ultimate parental control. The classic screen advice to parents holds true here, too: Watch some videos with your kid to get a sense of what they’re seeing and, to the extent possible, keep screens in public parts of the home. “Parents can start conversations with their children about appropriate viewing early on, and keep them going so that the kids are aware of potential issues,” says Milovidov. “If children know that their parents will not yell or remove their devices for months at a time, they will feel more confident coming forward when they do have a problem.” n

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YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

TECH TALK

Gamer Girls

Talk to boys and girls about sexism in online gaming By Bonnie Jean Feldkamp

“Get back in the kitchen.” “Go make me a sandwich.” These are some of the more PG-rated sexist comments that Malory Fox of Cincinnati hears when she’s playing an online multiplayer video game. She’s not alone. “The industry was long structured as a kind of ‘boys club,’ and those ideologies are often reinforced still,” says Shira Chess, author of Ready Player Two: Women Gamers & Designed Identity. Traditionally, gamers had two options: Play a friend or play the computer. The internet has added a third: Play online with strangers. That can sound scary to parents, but it’s not all bad news. “The beautiful thing about gaming these days is that it is so accessible for so many people,” says Jenny Haniver, the founder of the website Not in the Kitchen Anymore: Chronicles of a Female Gamer. With games on our phones, computers, and

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MAY-JUNE 2018

TVs, there really is something for everyone, she says. Chess agrees that gaming can be a positive experience, and she reassures worried parents that video games are not necessarily “toxic spaces.”

When Harassment Happens In a way, online gaming is an extension of social media, with both text and voice chats. Like any conversation, these gaming chats can be harmless or hurtful— but online chats don’t contain the social cues that tend to keep face-to-face interactions more civil. Players can “friend” other players within each game and choose to play with them again. But many times, a player jumps online and joins a game spontaneously—and in this case, harassment is more common because of the lack of ongoing community accountability. Some game genres tend to foster more sexist barbs. In shooter games, for

example, the objective is to dominate and survive—a stereotypically “masculine” arena. This type of game tends to exist in extreme environments like war or apocalypse, and to include overly sexualized female characters. Fox says if her character takes a kneeling stance for combat she’s likely to hear, “She’s on her knees again!” In online games, players are embedded in a fantasy world. All a player sees about the other players is a gamertag, an avatar, and a character—and they may hear the sound of their voice in their headset. As Haniver says, “You can lose sight of the other player’s humanity, making it easier to say things you wouldn’t say to someone face-to-face.”

Preventing Online Sexism Nevertheless, it is important that teens are comfortable talking to parents without the threat of the game necessarily being taken away. “There are a lot

BASIC GAMING SAFETY of beautiful, developed, complex stories that are increasingly being told via video games, and parents should not deny their kids the opportunity to play through these stories, simply out of fear of sexism,” says Chess. In many cases, there are steps parents can take to mentor their teens through these situations without imposing an outright ban on gaming. “It is a small minority of people who act inappropriately,” stresses Haniver, and players have resources when they do. Players can: • Mute an individual player in the game’s chat function. • Block another player from messaging them in the game. • Mute the entire chat.

Parents of both boys and girls can also play an important role in setting standards for appropriate gaming behavior—and enforcing these expectations. Smack talk—teasing in the spirit of competition—is expected to an extent. However, when it crosses the line to attack someone’s gender, race, or sexuality, it becomes harassment. “It is a game and it’s meant to be fun,” says Haniver. “The minute you begin harassing a fellow gamer, something has gone horribly wrong.” Chess is optimistic about the future of gaming for women. “Things are changing,” she says, “The more that young women get involved in console gaming, the more it dilutes the sexism. Increasingly, there are a lot of gamer girls, and that gives me hope.” n

Parents should also remind their teens about protecting their identity:

❖ Don’t use your real name or an approximation of your real name as your gamertag (player handle). ❖ Don’t put your exact location in your bio. Say “United States” or “Kansas”—not “Highlands High School, KY—Go Blue Birds!” ❖ Don’t talk about personal identifiers, such as email addresses, phone numbers, or birthdates in party chat. ❖ Don’t use a photo of yourself in your profile. Use an avatar (cartoon creation) or other image. ❖ Don’t use a gamertag that is the same as or is similar to your Twitter or Instagram handle.

• Report another player.

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HOT TOPICS

Interview with

Kelly Corrigan Kelly Corrigan, author of the recently published New York Times bestseller Tell Me More: Stories about the 12 Hardest Things I'm Learning to Say, is known for her honest and humorous storytelling. She is also the mom of two teenagers, Claire, 14, and Georgia, 16. We talked with Kelly about what she’s learned—and is still learning—about raising teens.

Has having teenagers changed how you are willing to speak and write about yourself and your kids? Corrigan: It doesn’t change what I’m willing to share about myself, but I am limited in what family stories I can tell. I pick stories that we as a family have already processed together that I know are fair game. There is so much pain in adolescence, and I can’t use those stories to make a point. People feel pain from middle school and high school into their adulthood. There is a tenderness that I am not going to touch. What do you find is the biggest challenge transitioning to parenting teenagers? Corrigan: One thing I am sort of surprised about is I find myself kind of tongue-tied sometimes when I try to

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initiate a deeper conversation. I default to these really dumb topics like asking if they have a lot of homework. I don’t know why I am asking. Nor do they care to tell me. But it’s like this dumb default. What I really want to talk about is how it feels to be them these days. What made them happy today?

Would they engage in that kind of conversation? Corrigan: It's kind of awkward sometimes. Teenagers are just like anyone else. They aren’t in the mood to talk about what makes them happy. When I think back on my teenage years, I did not care what my mom thought about anything. I’m just a tiny small voice over here. That’s exactly how I was at their age, and that’s fine. It’s just funny,

because I thought I would be really good at this part. This was when I was going to kick in as a really valued advisor. And nothing could be further from the truth.

When your kids aren't open to these conversations, what is the alternative? Corrigan: I am so into the potted plant theory, which is if there has been a potted plant in your room your whole life and then someone were to take that out, you would notice it was gone. Just be a potted plant for your kid. Let them look over and see that you are there, and if they should need you, you are right where you are supposed to be. You are available. There is a lot of comfort in having another person in the room.

Now that you have two teens, if you could have prepared for it, what do you wish you would have known? Corrigan: We were projecting way too far into the future. We didn’t realize how much they were going to change every six months. So they would have a habit that would worry us and then we would go all the way to the end of their life and it was like she is always going to struggle with that. Then nine months later, the habit disappeared. I wish I hadn’t been so fatalistic in my thinking in terms of their character traits. They are really still in development, but they don’t look like they are in development anymore. They have stopped growing; their bodies settle into what their bodies are. So they look like finished adults, but they aren’t even close.

so much in common. For instance, in our school you have to play an instrument in sixth grade. Georgia chose to play the saxophone. We had to rent the instrument for a year. But if they lose it we have to pay for it. We were irked that she picked the saxophone because it is enormous and expensive and if she loses it, it’s a disaster. Sure enough, she lost track of it for a day. We were beside ourselves and so full of judgment and disdain. A month later my husband left his brand-new Bose headphones in the overhead compartment of an airplane. A month after that I lost my brand-new iPhone. Sometimes we just talk to them like we have never in our lives done the things they are doing right now. n

We never stop growing, so why do we think our kids would? Corrigan: I can get into this really judgy place. But I need to realize that we have

Interview by Susan Borison

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YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

SMALL STUFF

Our Family’s Secret Language How parenting shorthand can limit lectures and encourage good behavior By Kim O’Connell

MGLA!

FTF!

n a balmy summer day last year, my 11-year-old son and I were on about mile 10 of a 15-mile bike ride when he started to complain. “My butt hurts,” he said. “It’s hot.” And of course, “How much longer?” I smiled at him and said, “FTF.” I didn’t have to explain what that stood for, because he recognized it immediately: Find the fun. FTF is just one of the many acronyms that have changed our family lexicon for the better. The idea began when my son was being mouthy and petulant about something one day and I blurted out, “More gratitude, less attitude.” We both laughed at the rhyme, which I immediately wrote down as MGLA on the whiteboard in our kitchen. Now, when my children act ungrateful or selfish, I simply say “MGLA” and they often are able to course-correct. I knew from experience that my children would tune out if I lectured them too long about their behavior, a trend that only worsened as my oldest approached the teen years. Raising my voice often escalated the situation into a shouting match. By removing excess language from the equation, these mantras have helped us get to a more positive place pretty quickly—and without rancor. We worked together to grow our list,

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which now includes terms like GNG, for “Giving, not getting,” SIS, for “Say ‘I’m sorry,’” and TAB, for “Take a breath.” Over the holidays, saying GNG every so often helped my kids to focus on what they could do for others, instead of just thinking about their own holiday haul. SIS often helps to keep an argument from escalating. And TAB reminds all of us to pause and be mindful of the moment. When one of my kids gets wound up over something, I will say “How about we TAB 5?” We’ll then take five deep, cleansing breaths together. Things always seem a bit better afterwards. It turns out that these kinds of mantras are aligned with the positive behavior reinforcement that child psychologists recommend. “What I love about these mantras is that they were created collaboratively, outside the heat of the moment,” says Dr. Alison Gardner, a child psychologist and principal of Nurture Child and Family in McLean, Virginia. “You’re naming the behavior that you want them to do. You’re modeling skills you want them to emulate.” She adds that when children are emotional they’re often unable to tap into the part of the brain that’s receptive to language and reason. These short sayings help children to cross that mental divide more quickly.

The acronyms also fit in with the texting shorthand kids use already, says Marian Moldan, a licensed clinical social worker and principal at New Yorkbased Childhood Anxiety Solutions. “These mantras are important for children because they are short reminders conveyed in a familiar way,” Moldan says. “Most youngsters will tune out with long-winded explanations. Lecturing can be conceived as nagging and opens the door to pushback. Instead, these are quick and nonjudgmental reminders that are spoken in the technological language of today.” Moldan adds that although having a common shorthand can help avoid conflict, it can’t replace those in-depth conversations that we need to have with kids, too. On that long bike ride, my son had a hard time coming up with anything that was fun about being sweaty and tired. But I’d opened the door for a more creative way of thinking about it. Eventually, he suggested that we yell out each milepost as we passed it, counting them down. We found the fun. The other day, my daughter wrote ILYTTMAB on the kitchen whiteboard. She explained what it meant: “I love you to the moon and back.” That acronym doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like the others, but she’s got the right idea. n

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YOUR TEEN

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SNAPSHOT

When Your Babysitter Needs a Babysitter By Elizabeth Alterman

When our oldest son Sam turned 15, I breathed a sigh of relief. Here was our new babysitter, already in-house and delightfully available to watch his 9- and 11-year-old brothers. The days of coughing up $12 to $15 an hour were finally behind me. It also meant I no longer had to rely on my mom to cover when those pricey sitters were otherwise occupied. While beloved Grammy takes excellent care of her grandsons, she arrives bearing enough sugary treats to kill your average diabetic—and when we return, there’s always her well-intentioned FBI-style interrogation. What did you eat? Who did you see? What were they wearing? Imagine my excitement at the thought of coming home to kiss sleeping children on the tops of their heads and collapse into bed. No cash exchanged, no questions asked. At 10:15 p.m., as we were paying the bill at a local restaurant, the text came from Sam. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” “Okay! Thanks for taking good care of your brothers!” I responded, including a string of thumbs-up and smiley-face emojis. I was feeling a smug exuberance as I envisioned all our future nights out— concerts, the theater, and more dinners that didn’t involve spilled chocolate milk or arguments over who was getting that last piece of fried calamari. But as my husband and I approached our home, we were surprised to see all the lights on and Ben, our 11-year-old, sitting alone on the couch looking out the window for us. When I questioned the “sitter” the next day, he said, “I told you I was going

YOUR TEEN

MAY-JUNE 2018

to bed; I never said anyone else was.” We waited a few weeks and tried again. All seemed to go smoothly. The following morning, I asked Ben, “So how did your brother do last night?” “Oh, Sam is an amazing babysitter, and I do mean amazing!” Ben responded. “He was able to jump over the entire coffee table.” When he saw my confusion, he immediately explained. “I don’t mean this way,” he gestured, indicating a 2-foot width. “I mean this way,” he continued, stretching his arms to their maximum wingspan. My heart sank as I realized that each time we went out, we’d now have to worry that the same kid who refused to join winter and spring track was possibly leaping a solid 8 feet through the living room and had the very real potential to end up face-first in the fireplace. Of course, I’d assumed that in our absence the boys would serve themselves mountains of ice cream and perhaps binge-watch all the television shows I'd banned. I hadn’t anticipated that they’d transform our combined kitchen and family room into a makeshift Wimbledon as they played a spirited game of tennis after fashioning a net out of two chairs and an afghan—which is how we found the house when we returned another evening. Was I being overly critical? Should I simply focus on the fact that everyone was alive and happy? Our home still standing? I refused to believe my dream of having a babysitter at the ready could come to an end this quickly. And so I persisted. When I recently told Sam we’d be going out Friday and

would require his services, he looked exasperated. “I don’t understand why you and Dad want to go out together, you know, like, at the same time,” he said. “I mean it’s nice that you like each other. But still, I guess what I’m asking is: Is this really necessary?” I pointed out that we are a family and we help each other when we’re asked. I tried not to rant about the interminable hours I’ve spent inside a Chuck E. Cheese for him, the thousands of cupcakes I’ve baked on his behalf, the fortune I’ve wasted on products that claim to remove even the toughest stains from his baseball pants. After much trial and error, Sam is growing into a more reliable sitter. The coffee table has remained in place. The boys have stopped pretending they are the indoor versions of Venus and Serena Williams. When I enter our silent home after an evening out and tiptoe up to bed, I open the boys’ doors and smile as I breathe in the heavenly stillness. But just as I’m drifting off to sleep, thinking this may actually work out at long last, Ben, a bubbly night owl and just as inquisitive as his Grammy, alights on the edge of our bed. “So, what did you have? Appetizer? Dessert? Did you bring me any leftovers? Tell me everything!” People say there is no such thing as a free lunch. I’d argue that there’s no such thing as free babysitting. n Liz Alterman is a mom of three boys and a writer. She is currently working on a memoir chronicling her adventures in unemployment.

YOUR TEEN

| MAY-JUNE 2018

ALL ABOUT ME

Uh Oh. Am I the Person My Teenagers Think I Am? By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

Teens are often (justly) accused of being annoying, weird, needy, naggy, lazy, insensitive. What I didn’t realize is that my teens assign the same labels to me—usually when I think I am being just the opposite. Here’s a sampling of the adjectives the kids have used to describe me (this week): Annoying Weird Needy Naggy Lazy Annoying Insensitive What? I wouldn’t use any of those words to describe myself. I think I’m…

Caring

Empathetic

Child #2 enters the room, and sees I am talking to my sister (again). “You are SO needy,” he quips. “Hang on,” I tell my sister. I give him the stink eye. “Didn’t you just talk to her yesterday?” I think about it for a second. I did talk to her, maybe for a minute or two. That hardly counts. “So?” He rolls his eyes, exits stage left, muttering something about my neediness under his breath.

“How was _____________?” I ask child #2 as he is having a snack and doing homework. “Fine.” “Oh, you seemed worried about it last night.” “Oh my god, you are SO annoying.” Insert: my confused face (which I hide from said child, ‘cause that could be even more annoying).

Proactive

I ask child #3 to pull her chair in, as I notice she is sitting about 3 feet from the kitchen table. A gutteral noise, followed by “You’re. So. Annoying.” She exits stage right immediately after eating.

Text to the kids: “Guests coming tomorrow for the holiday. Please—everything off the kitchen and dining room tables. Thx.” I hear one say to the other, “Ugh, she is SO naggy.” They laugh together at their common enemy.

Fun

Industrious

Minding my own business, blasting the music to Dear Evan Hanson and dancing as I prepare for the holiday dinner, child #3 walks in. “Ucchhhh. You are SO weird.” Hair flip. Exit stage left.

At 10:30 p.m., I yawn for the eighth time in a 10-minute period. Child #2 observes my yawn. “You are SO lazy.” “No, I am exhausted.” “Hmmm, just looks like lazy.”

Helpful

YOUR TEEN

MAY-JUNE 2018

Sensitive Child #3 enters the room. I am smarter now. Don’t ask, I say to myself repeatedly. I remain silent, and that is not easy. Frankly, I am kind of proud of my restraint. “Aren’t you going to ask how things went today?” she spouts. “You know I was so worried. You don’t even care.” She stomps out of the room. I guess from my kids’ point of view: different words, same meaning. Mom is annoying. Oh, my point of view? So glad you asked. No matter what they think, I know moms are… Always Right

Stephanie Silverman is the publisher of Your Teen.

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