Your Teen for Parents: November-December 2018 by Your Teen Media

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

Rediscovering

Childhood Joys The Stress of Parenting Teens: How to Deal What Teens Know About Internet Firewalls Could It Be OCD? What to Look For VOL. 11 ISSUE 2 NOV.-DEC. 2018 $ 3.95

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CONTENTS NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

FEATURE: The Stress of Parenting Teens p. 32

Photo: Beth Segal

p.8 8 Bulletin Board We asked teens

p.16

p.30 28 Tech Talk What parents should know

16 Move-Out Skills How to take a flight alone

#ParentHack Book recommendation By the numbers

19 Launchpad Preparing for college with an IEP

10 Stuff We Love What wish lists are made of

20 In the Kitchen Roasted Tomato and Feta Risotto

12 In A Minute

22 In the Spotlight Nancy Lublin, founder and CEO

Rediscovering childhood joys; Teen knee problems

15 Pathways

College courses in high school

of Crisis Text Line

25 Book Review The Selection

about VPNs

30 Family Matters Is Mom sweet, or over the top? 32 Feature Parenting stress—and how to

work through it

38 Crossroads Obsessive-compulsive disorder

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

CONTENTS NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

40 Perspectives I wanted my grandfather

47 Healthy Living When families are

estranged

to die

43 Did You Know? The latest Youth Risk

Behavior Survey

45 Ask the Doctor New menstrual care options

49 Middle School Corner The upside of failure 50 Tween Talk Group texting 53 College Corner Personal safety at

p. 43

college

55 Saving for College Grandparent gifts 56 Hot Topics CNN Medical Correspondent

Sanjay Gupta

58 Small Stuff How to listen so they’ll talk 60 Snapshot When Christmas got quiet

p.47

p.55

62 The Last Word

Special thanks to our cover sponsor, Cleveland Museum of Natural History, where discovery starts with you. Learn more at cmnh.org

Want more from Your Teen? Sign up for our weekly newsletters to get regular updates on middle school, high school, and everything else about raising a teenager. YourTeenMag.com/Sign-Up/

COVER PHOTO: BETH SEGAL

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

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YourTeenMagazine

yourteenmag

November-December 2018 Volume 11, Issue 2

LOV E F RO M O U R FA N S . . . High school educators- this magazine is a fantastic resource for students, parents, and educators! Great ideas, info, tips to navigate the teen years! Highly recommend!!! —RossiterPrincipal @RossiterElemenx Congratulations on your Content Marketing Award wins! I've personally been subscribed to Your Teen Magazine for Parents for a couple years now. I'm also subscribed to your emails, follow Your Teen on Facebook, and have often shared some of your posts. I was excited this magazine got the recognition it deserves! —Krissy Leskovec, Cleveland, OH

PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Susan R. Borison

STAFF EDITORIAL

CREATIVE

WEB CONTENT

MANAGING EDITOR

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

SPONSORED CONTENT EDITOR

PHOTOGRAPHER

SEO MANAGER

Sharon Holbrook Jennifer Proe

Meredith Pangrace Beth Segal

The story we did on teens who act out sexually [bit.ly/juvenilesexoffender] really had an impact. One of my sources contacted me a few weeks ago to say that a mother who is dealing with this contacted her after reading the story. It gave her the courage to reach out. I'm so glad we did that story.” —Jaimie Seaton, Your Teen writer

Mindy Gallagher Jessica Port

WEB EDITORIAL MANAGER

SENIOR EDITOR

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SALES

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DIRECTOR OF CONTENT PARTNERSHIPS

CIRCULATION

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COPY EDITOR

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M O R E @ YO U RT E E N M AG .C O M

CIRCULATION & DATA MANAGER

Eca Taylor

CONTROLLER

Lisa Lindenberg

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

Liz Alterman, Sam Alterman, Nancy Schatz Alton, Mary Helen Berg, Anne Bogel, Sarah Bogel, Jack Cheng, Daniel Diffen, Casey Durkin, Hope Dougherty, Cathie Ericson, Bonnie Jean Feldkamp, Lisa Fields, Whitney Fleming, Jennifer Goforth Gregory, Courtney Harris, Cassidy Hilmar, Shannon Hilmar, Erin Jay, Gail O’Connor, Kristin O’Keefe, Jane Parent, Jennifer Proe, Diana Simeon, Wendy Wisner, Linda Wolff, Kristina Wright ADVISORY BOARD Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Lauren Rich Fine

Managing Director at Gries Financial.

Nancy Hill

Toby Maloney

Angel investor and advisor for start-ups

Heather Rhoades

Founder and owner, GardeningKnowHow.com and mother of five.

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Founder of The Agency Sherpa. Past President and CEO of American Association of Advertising Agencies.

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Amy Speidel

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED

Overloaded with Extracurriculars?

Adjunct Assistant Professor of P sychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University.

Why I keep supporting their crazy schedule bit.ly/crazyschedule

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Your Teen, Vol 11, Issue 2, November-December 2018 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2018 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

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Healthy Social Life

Puberty

Mean kids, cliques, and other struggles

Teaching your daughter to use tampons

bit.ly/teensociallife

bit.ly/tampontalk

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

How do my husband and I disagree on parenting? Let me count the many ways. When my oldest daughter Rebecca was a toddler, she never slept. Rebecca and I were exhausted and cranky; we were a terrible pair. I wanted to put up a gate and let her cry herself to sleep as the doctor recommended. My surgical resident husband Dan was on call so I seized the opportunity. The night was awful, but I was prepared for the three-night cure. Dan would be home for night two. I had warned him that we would need to gird ourselves for a tough second night. He arrived home and promptly announced that he was going upstairs to rescue his crying baby. Desperate to reverse chronic insomnia, I had to practically restrain my 6-foot 2-inch husband from going upstairs. Five kids later and that dynamic never changed.

EDITOR’S LETTER My youngest son Jacob needed 10 hours of sleep when he was in sixth grade. He was delightful when he had enough sleep and a bear when he was tired. I tried to stick to a 9:30 p.m. bedtime. Jacob and Dan were watching TV and joking around. I poked my head in to say that I was leaving and asked Dan to make sure that Jacob went to bed on time. I said it once; I begged the second time. And then I walked out of the room.

other hand, tend to look at the big picture. I’m the kale. Dan wants fun always, while I want fun when it makes sense.

I paused for a second outside the door. They too waited a second, and then they erupted in the most joyous and conspiratorial laughter. A highfive, we’re-on-the-same-team laughter that meant: We’ll be ignoring bedtime. Needless to say, I was exasperated.

Our feature this issue tackles the stress of parenting teens, especially when you and your co-parent disagree on how it should be done. Check it out starting on page 32. Don’t miss our other great content, including how to get your teen to open up to you (page 58), how to deal with the never-ending middle-school group text (page 50), a beautiful teen essay on saying goodbye to grandpa (page 40), and much, much more.

Dan and I ultimately want the same thing: happy, confident, and independent kids. But we often disagree about the means to that end. Dan tends to respond to the immediate situation, either fixing some tears or adding laughter. I, on the

Dan still gets to play the role of a “Disney Dad” 28 years later, but the biggest change is that I now laugh along. Because I came to appreciate our collective power. Our combined differences have yielded responsible, laughter-filled kids.

Enjoy the Read.

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

Sanjay Gupta is CNN’s chief medical correspondent, a neurosurgeon, an Emmy winner, and even one of People magazine’s “Sexiest Men Alive.” He’s also a parent. Find his interview with Your Teen on page 56.

Nancy Lublin is the CEO of Crisis Text Line, a mental health texting hotline for teens and, well, everyone. She’s also a creative, socially-minded entrepreneur and a mom of one teen and one tween. See page 22 for more.

Anne Bogel is a book blogger at modernmrsdarcy.com, an author, and the host of the podcast, “What Should I Read Next?” On page 25, she and her teenage daughter review the popular YA novel The Selection.

YOUR TEEN

For years, KJ Dell'Antonia was the editor of the New York Times Motherlode parenting blog. She's also the mother of four tweens and teens, and she thought she could be happier about that. On page 9, check out our review of her new book, How to Be a Happier Parent.

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

BULLETIN BOARD

WE ASKED TEENS...

Have you ever received a gift that seemed odd or surprising?

My mom got me dresses that made me look like a baby doll. And she made me wear them to church! They were terrible, but now it makes me laugh.  —Grace, Nairobi, Kenya  My mom has always given me nice gifts such as a new video camera, phone, or bike. Little did I know that for my 15th birthday my mom would give me a fantastic gift. I opened my bedroom door and saw a painting on the wall. My mom had hired a painter to make a painting with actress Carol Channing screaming "Raspberries!" This was taken from the movie "Thoroughly Modern Millie" and was my

favorite scene ever since I was little. I had not asked for this gift, but it has a lot of meaning and I would not have wanted any other gift.  —Liliana, Brooklyn, NY  This past Christmas, my mom gave me a drawing prompt book. At first, it made me smile, but I never touched the book after she gave it to me. Although I sometimes scribble little things in the corners of papers, I have never found a passion for drawing. Perhaps someday I will open it and make the most amazing pictures, but for now, I prefer to stick to simple doodles, drawn out of boredom.  —Sage, Newark, DE Gum. It was just … odd.  —Joshua, Woodbridge, VA My parents don't really give me gifts outside of my birthday. I'm always cautious when my dad talks to me to see if I have any interest in a certain gift idea he has for me because oftentimes he really just wants it for himself.  —Havilah, Greeneville, TN

My parents normally know me pretty well, so it's an odd occurrence for them to give me something that makes no sense. But one day, my dad came home to a package at the front door. He opened it and smiled, pulling out a copy of the Disney classic cartoon, "Snow White"! I could have collapsed in laughter! Although I love classics, this was definitely too much of a younger-audience movie for me!  —Sydney, North Las Vegas, NV  My dad bought me roller skates. He bought them because he thought I said I wanted them one time. I think I was 8 when I said that.  —Cylese, Columbus, GA My mom gave me funky-looking curtains. It was misguided. —Fe, Ft. Washington, MD  My mother once gave me underwear at Christmas in front of everyone. It was so embarrassing. It's definitely funny now because I probably overreacted, but she still could have given them to me in private instead of at the Christmas tree with my family.  —Madison, Ontario, Canada

#ParentHack: Family Email

he idea for a shared—or family—email account was born out of desperation. Despite clearly listing two email accounts on our children’s school registration, only one of us ever received messages from the teachers or administration. Although our school's website did not list contacts as primary and secondary, it was obvious that they were treated as such. My wife was not receiving any school-related communication.  At first, we tried to correct the situation by sharing my wife's email with the teachers and mine with the school. Somehow, that plan only led to even more missed messages. Add YOUR TEEN

in similar situations with soccer, softball, math club, scouts, and summer camps. It seemed impossible for both of us to get the information we wanted from everyone. No matter what the organization, they only ever contacted whomever was listed on the registration. A third of them went to me, a third went to my wife, and a third ended up in somebody's spam folder.  So we decided to implement a family email. Together, we chose a new email address that we could both access, which was solely for communications that we both wanted to receive. We only shared this email with our kids' activity groups and made sure the

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

settings were such that nothing was filtered or labeled as spam. We synced the new account to our phones so that we would both receive activity and school news the moment it comes in.  Now, when a coach emails us a last-minute game update, we both get the message, and neither of us needs to worry about remembering to forward the info to the other!   Daniel Diffen is an aspiring author who lives in Austin, Texas, with his wife Becky and their two children.

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

By the Numbers... B O O K R E C O M M E N D AT I O N

How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute KJ Dell’Antonia's book has one goal: to help you be as happy as you can be while doing the hardest job in the world. Dell’Antonia is the former editor of the New York Times Motherlode blog, and fans of her parenting articles will find a lot to love here. With humor and wisdom, Dell’Antonia gets to the heart of nine common subjects that can make family life less happy, including homework, chores, screen time, and sibling friction. From getting kids up and out of the house for school in the morning to managing holidays and vacations, How to Be a Happier Parent offers practical, actionable advice based on years of research, interviews, and personal experience.   Dell’Antonia’s writing style is friendly, funny, and always understanding. She’s not judging how you do things—she’s simply offering a less stressful alternative that might bring you greater happiness. Often, she recommends that the best course of action is simply doing less: less obsessing, less planning, less expecting, less worrying … just less. It can be easy to overlook the joys of raising a family, and Dell’Antonia reminds us of that even as she makes us laugh at the ridiculous expectations we have for ourselves. How to Be a Happier Parent delivers on its premise: When we let go of the unnecessary stuff that weighs us down in parenting, we absolutely are happier. Actually letting go, of course, is the hard part.

47%

of high school students said their most important relationship was with their mother. Statista

24%

of American teenagers say road or mountain biking is their favorite outdoor activity. Statista

62%

of high school seniors have had sexual intercourse.

Centers for Disease Control & Prevention

42%

of American teens reported they were not doing enough or were not sure if they were doing enough to manage their stress. American Psychological Association

72%

51%

of parents and of teens feel that the other person is distracted by their phone when they’re having in-person conversations.

— Kristina Wright

PEW RESEARCH CENTER

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

STUFF WE LOVE

For Their Room (Or Yours) Turn a plain old bedroom into a haven. PhoneSoap 3 Phone Cleaner

Your phone is the dirtiest thing you own. Kill 99.9% of germs on your phone in under 10 minutes, leaving your phone cleaner than when you bought it. Perfect for the germaphobe in your life! $59.95, phonesoap.com

Hydros 64 oz. Pitcher

Jackery Bolt Rechargeable Battery

Fast charge all your devices wherever you are. This one is so powerful, you can even charge your laptop with it. For Apple and Android devices. $29.99, jackery.com

kaikai & ash Hello New York! Canvas Storage Box Bedshelfie

Maximize your living space with this clampon nightstand shelf. Safely holds up to 15 pounds of your most important bedside items (laptop, phone, tablet, water bottle, books) within arm's reach while you sleep or relax. Great for anyone on that top bunk or loft bed. $40, bedshelfie.com

You know how much water you are supposed to drink every day, right? Fill this goodlooking pitcher with tap water and have freshly filtered water in under a minute. $32, hydroslife.com

Sound of Sleep LectroFan EVO

Sleep better with soothing fan sounds and lots of options for white noise—as well as the pink and brown noise you didn’t know you needed. Ideal for sleep, relaxation, study, or any environment where you’d like more audio control. $59.95, soundofsleep.com

These adorable 13-inch canvas storage boxes are a great way to organize a bedroom. Personalize your room with one of the more than 40 designs. From $15, kaikaiash.com

Sweet Stuff Sometimes they just want to be a little kid again. Lovely Candy Company Candy

Gummy bears, lollipops, and hard candies that are organic and vegan? What a treat! All made without gluten, GMOs, artificial ingredients, and high fructose corn syrup. From $4.99, lovelycandyco.com

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Sour Punch Candies

Embrace your wild side with a resealable bag of mouthwatering sweet and sour candies. Low-fat and kosher certified, too. From $2.29, sourpunch.com

Red Vines

Try the delicious original licorice twists or the new Made Simple variety, with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. From $2.29, redvines.com

Outdoor Fun

Kammok Field Blanket

Grab some fresh air before the snow falls.

Football games, tailgaters, bonfires– you’ll be cozy and warm when the snow falls. Backed with a waterproof ripstop shell, soft microfleece interior, and modular snaps, this packable blanket will keep you warm in the bleachers this fall. $95, kammok.com

Circle Society Roller Skates

Every kid should have a pair of roller skates. And these adjustable 1970s inspired skates grow with your child’s feet! Available in a variety of fun prints in youth sizes up to the equivalent of women’s size 8. $49.99, amazon.com

My Fashion Crate Subscription Box

What fashionista wouldn’t enjoy receiving a box of stylish clothing, beauty items, and gift cards every month that were picked especially for her? It's so much more convenient than heading to the mall. Starting at $35 per month, myfashioncrate.com

Easy Style Time to refresh your closet!

Kut from the Kloth Eveline Moto Jacket

Vegan suede with studded sleeves? Yes, please! In a beautiful raisin hue to flatter any hair color or skin tone. $118, kutfromthekloth.com

My Little Steamer Go Mini Speidel Pilot Watch

This cool, retro, aviator-inspired watch will appeal to anyone with an eye for vintage style. It's water resistant, employs smooth quartz movement, and is available with a leather or solid stainless-steel band. $99.99, speidel.com

Wrinkles can really cramp your style. Whether it’s a presentation for class, a formal, or a job interview, this handy steamer will keep you looking neat and pressed. $29.95, hsn.com

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

IN A MINUTE

Why Teens Enjoy Rediscovering Childhood Pleasures Don’t be surprised—or judgmental—if your teenager’s childhood love of dinosaurs, Legos, or Harry Potter makes a comeback.

ot too long ago, I was regaled by the sound of my teenage daughters whooping it up in the basement as they played with a video game that had been collecting dust since the fifth grade. I've also heard reports of other teens who enjoy watching re-runs of “Hannah Montana” or “That’s So Raven.” What’s going on with this behavior? Should parents be concerned when they find their teen curled up on the couch watching “The Lion King” for the 20th time or reading Captain Underpants? According to Lisa Damour, psychologist and best-selling author of Untangled, when teens reach back

for these touchstones from their early childhood, “they’re putting themselves in a time machine to when things felt less stressful and they had more mastery in life. It’s actually a brilliant way for teens to restore themselves.”

nosaurs they loved as a child at the natural history museum. But Damour recommends keeping the bar low. “Be as neutral as you can, while presenting it as a non-negotiable outing.” If they suspect an agenda, she says, it is doomed to failure.

One of the major draws, says Damour, “is the total predictability. They know how things are going to turn out.” Contrast this with the constant unpredictability of their lives, like what grade they’re going to get on a test or who is asking whom to the homecoming dance.

And when it turns out they actually had a great time coming along for the ride? Resist the opportunity to say, “See, I told you this would be fun!”

As parents, we can try to tap into this need to return to childhood pleasures when we invite them on family outings to the zoo or to see the di-

Says Damour, “A lot of parenting comes down to what you don’t say. This would be one of those times to just put a piece of chewing gum in your mouth and say nothing.” —Jennifer Proe

Photo: Beth Segal

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Ouch! What’s Wrong with That Knee? It could be this common teen disease. “I have good news and bad news,” the doctor said.

The good news? The problem would resolve itself.

For two weeks, my son had been complaining of knee pain, but my physician wife, who sees adult patients, had no clue what was wrong with him.

Osgood-Schlatter is a condition where the quadriceps muscle pulls the tendon connecting the kneecap and shin and stresses the growth plate in the stillgrowing adolescent bones. The result is painful swelling and tenderness below the knee—and possibly a bony bump as the growth plate tries to heal itself.

In contrast, the pediatrician took one look and diagnosed the problem: Osgood-Schlatter. The bad news: there was nothing the doctor could do to address the underlying issue. To handle the painful symptoms, he suggested icing the knee, stretching, and reducing running and jumping activities.

The condition affects up to one-fifth of teenage athletes, according to the Harvard Medical School health website, especially if they play sports that involve lots of running and quick changes of direction like basketball or soccer. Osgood-Schlatter used to be

YOUR TEEN

thought of as primarily affecting boys. However, as girls’ sports participation grows, an increasing number of girls are being diagnosed with OsgoodSchlatter, according to the Mayo Clinic. Teens with knee pain should see their doctor to rule out another problem that needs intervention. If it’s OsgoodSchlatter, though, it’s mostly a waiting game. As our doctor informed us, the best cure is to finish the adolescent growth spurt. “By the end of puberty, when the bones become denser and stronger, all symptoms usually resolve 100%,” says Dr. Mitchell Tunick of Boston Children’s Hospital. —Jack Cheng |

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

I am earning my first degree at ÂŽ Tri-C

At Tri-C, Rebecca Groth discovered she has what it takes to succeed in college

tri-c.edu 216-987-6000

18-1099

Rebecca was skeptical about college. She knew she was smart, but didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know if the college experience would be right for her. Then she came to Tri-C, where she quickly discovered a valuable support network of faculty, staff and fellow students who not only helped her succeed academically, they helped her find a purpose and a future.

PATHWAYS

College Courses in High School? Why getting a leg up on college can pay off for your high school student. By Wendy Wisner

f parenthood has taught me anything, it’s that the days are long, but the years are short. Which means that while my oldest is just in middle school, college (I’ve been told) is about two seconds away. And with the skyrocketing price of tuition—along with the uber-competitive college admissions environment— like most parents, I worry. A lot. I think about what I could be doing now to ensure that my kids will enter the college of their choice … and leave without exorbitant debt. Here’s an idea that hadn’t been on my radar until recently: having my high schooler take coursework at a community college. Not only could this save us a bundle on tuition, but it could also help my kid feel more ready for college when the time comes. The practice is becoming increasingly popular, says Angela Johnson, vice president of access and completion at Cuyahoga Community College (Tri-C) in Ohio. In fact, high school students are the largest growing population at the majority of community colleges across the country, she says.

How It Works

There are several ways your high school student can enroll in community college courses, Johnson explains. The first is called “dual enrollment,” where the coursework they take at their community college counts for both high school and college credit. The second is for students to enroll in courses independently of their high school, attending classes on evenings or weekends. The third is that many community colleges offer coursework online, too.

“Some students may be attending an online high school and use these courses to supplement,” Johnson says. Some colleges even bring the coursework (professor and all) directly to the high school through an outreach program.

The Financial Advantage

Tuition savings are a prime reason parents enroll their high schoolers in community college. The courses are generally less expensive than at fouryear institutions, and in many cases high schoolers get reduced-cost or nocost tuition. For example, in Ohio, the Department of Education subsidizes the courses, Johnson says. Laurie Septaric, whose daughters attended Tri-C while in high school, can attest to this. Septaric’s older daughter, Nicole, completed 45 hours of college coursework at Tri-C, saving over $20,000 on tuition. Her younger daughter, Kristen, completed high school with a whopping 83 college credits and now needs only 37 more credits to complete her B.A. But the advantages weren’t only financial, says Septaric. Her girls were also able to deepen their learning and home in on their interests at the pace that was right for them.

Who Should Enroll?

Johnson, but “we also have students who are focused on robotics, want to learn a trade, or have another special interest,” she says. While parents may be enthused about the idea of saving money on tuition or accelerating their student’s course of study, it’s not for everyone. “Students have to be extremely self-motivated, self-disciplined, and organized,” Septaric says. Moon agrees that parents and students need to consider this option carefully, but notes that “the experience of attending a community college could benefit the student by helping them mature.” This was certainly the case for Septaric’s daughters. As she gets ready to drop Kristen off at college this fall, Septaric feels “very comfortable and confident” that her daughter is prepared. And with her advanced standing, Kristen is now poised to complete her B.A. in two years and then head off to medical school to fulfill her dream of becoming a doctor. I’m not sure yet what the future holds for my kids in terms of college (or how on earth we will pull it off!), but I’m happy to have one more promising idea to add to the list of options. n

A high school student who has “exhausted the AP and honors courses at their local high school” and is looking for further challenges tends to be a good fit for community college, says Kristen Moon, an independent college counselor and founder of college guidance program MoonPrep.com. Many of the students who enter Tri-C fit that description, according to

YOUR TEEN

From Your Teen for Cuyahoga Community College, Ohio’s oldest and largest community college, offering dozens of courses for teens to get a head start on college. Learn more at tri-c.edu.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

MOVE-OUT SKILLS

Learning to Fly Solo Whether it’s traveling alone to visit relatives or to take part in a student exchange program, there might be a point when your teenager flies solo, without you there to help. Before they leave home, why not teach them how to catch a flight on their own?

Let them shadow you. Next time you travel together, make your teenager your apprentice through each part of the process. Letting them share responsibility for each step as it happens is an easy way for teenagers to learn the ropes of flying and to build confidence that they’ll be able to do it alone in the future. Get there early. Teens should know to arrive at the airport 90 minutes before the scheduled departure time (more if it’s an international flight.) to allow time to clear security, check bags, and check in for their flight. Teenagers may not have developed a strong sense of punctuality, but timing is crucial. Explain that the first thing they should do is get through security and find the gate. Grab a snack or go to the bathroom after they arrive at the gate so they don’t lose their seat or miss their flight. Memorize basic flight information. This includes the airline, gate number, departure time, estimated arrival time, and seat assignment. Encourage them to write this down on a card, and stick it in a zipper pocket of a jacket or purse, as their phone will be turned off in flight. Bring identification. According to the TSA, passengers under 18 are not required to have identification for most flights

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

climb higher within the continental United States (check with the specific airline to be sure), but it’s good to have as an extra safety precaution. If your child is old enough to have a driver's license, bring it along. Even a student ID card is better than no identification at all. For international flights, every traveler, including minors, must have a passport that does not expire for at least an additional six months from the travel date. Remind your teenager to check the expiration date well in advance.

With our signature focus on experiential learning, HB empowers girls of all ages to find their passions, embrace challenges, gain confidence, and maximize their own potential.

Be efficient at the security checkpoint. Teach your teenager what to expect going through security, so it’s less stressful when they do it alone. They should observe other passengers in front of them and listen to instructions while waiting in line. Teens should know the basics: Remove your shoes and jacket before you get to the conveyor belt in security. Load all belongings into a bin, including any loose change or keys in your pockets, and place the bin on the conveyer belt. Wear clothing and shoes that are easy to get through security: Limit belts, jewelry, and laceup shoes. Double check when leaving security to ensure nothing is left behind. Travel lightly, with minimal luggage. Not only can extra baggage cost big bucks, it can cause delays at the airport and slow down your teenager's navigation through the airport before and after the flight. Plan ahead for the actual flight. Your teenager should download music, movies, or books on their phone or tablet ahead of time. They may not realize that WiFi may cost money—or be unavailable—during the flight. And they should charge their devices fully and bring a charger cord. Finally, they should pack or plan for in-flight food; some airlines have very limited options if the passenger did not order and pay for a meal ahead of time.

Discover what you’re made of at HB.

Prepare for snafus. Delays and cancellations happen, and flights and connections get missed. Discuss ahead of time what your teenager should do in these cases. Usually, they should ask for help from airline employees. Lastly, be prepared with a charged phone, snacks, and a small amount of money.

GRADES 5 –12 OPEN HOUSE Thursday, October 18th

5 – 7 p.m.

Call 216.320.8767 or visit HB.edu/openhouse

—Jane Parent

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

I STAND I THINK I SEE I AM up so I can be heard

in characters and colors

myself leading

about to change the world

IAMHIRAM The New Liberal Arts 18

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

LAUNCH PAD

Can Teens Take Their IEP to College? Helping a student with learning differences prepare for the college transition. By Nancy Schatz Alton

My daughter Annie was 6 when she was diagnosed with a learning disability. Her idea of a coping strategy at that age was to have her older sister read for her. Now that she’s in 7th grade, we’ve all come a long way in learning how to help her advocate (and read) for herself. Still, I know we have more work ahead of us as the college years approach. I’ve been Annie’s main advocate as we create her yearly Individualized Education Program (IEP), the written plan for public school children who qualify for special education services. Throughout middle and high school, we’ll continue to have IEP team meetings with her case manager and teachers to adjust her accommodations for dyslexia, dyscalculia (a math learning disability), and slow processing speed. However, disability services change in college, where IEPs and 504 plans (another kind of educational accommodation) from high school are no longer valid, and students are responsible for requesting their own accommodations. Now is the time to prepare students like Annie to take ownership of their learning issues.

What’s Different?

Once a student turns 18 years old, federal law changes with regard to disability services, says Kevin Feisthamel, director of counseling, health, and disability services at Hiram College in Ohio. “The onus is on the student to be proactive in college. Students work with the campus disability office to figure out accommodations based on each student’s particular learning disabilities,” says Feisthamel.

Based on the student’s documentation of a disability, Feisthamel provides an accommodations letter that spells out the services the college will provide for them. In turn, the student hands this letter to each of their professors. Feisthamel advises parents to explain this system to their child in high school, while helping them learn self-advocacy skills, too.

Passing the Baton

To become self-advocates, teens must learn what they need to be successful and practice asking for it, says Elizabeth Hamblet, author of From High School to College: Steps to Success for Students with Disabilities. Explain to your student how you are advocating for them prior to college. “Be specific. Say, ‘Here are the accommodations we have in place for your ADHD,’ and explain why you think it is helpful to them,” she says. “At the end of every quarter, ask if they’re using the accommodations or if there’s something else that might help them learn better.” Parents should coach their student about how to talk to their teacher or case manager if they have a problem at school. This will help prepare them for potential situations they may encounter in college.

kid will struggle to some degree with time management at college. We also help kids figure out how to read for comprehension, study for tests, and plan out and write essays and research papers.” The goal throughout the high school years should be for the student to gradually transition to handling all their own work independently. “Kids with learning differences should know if they put the effort in now, and seek help when needed, they will succeed at college,” says Hamblet.

RESOURCES FOR FAMILIES Families may also find these resources helpful in supporting a student with learning differences: • The book Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools, and Solutions to StressFree Homework by Ann Dolin • The SQ3R Reading Method, which helps kids learn how to read for comprehension • Understood.org, an online resource and community supporting parents of kids with learning and attention issues

Key Strategies for Success

Still, prepping your kid for college is mostly about making them academically ready for college, says Feisthamel. Many colleges have academic support centers that offer services like peer tutoring and assistance with time-management skills. “However, it’s helpful if students arrive at college knowing how they learn best,” he says. “Almost every

YOUR TEEN

From Your Teen for Hiram College: merging classic and contemporary liberal arts offerings with high-impact experiential learning opportunities and mindful technology. Learn more about the New Liberal Arts at hiram.edu.

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

IN THE KITCHEN

ROASTED TOMATO AND FETA RISOTTO Serves 4-6

INGREDIENTS: 6 garlic cloves, unpeeled and whole, plus 4 garlic cloves, minced 2 teaspoons olive oil 1 ½ lbs. grape or cherry tomatoes 4 tablespoons butter 1 large onion, diced ½ cup white wine 2 cups short-grain white rice 4 ½ cups vegetable broth Salt and pepper 3 oz. crumbled feta cheese 2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese ¼ cup chopped fresh chives

DIRECTIONS: 1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Redefining Fast Food with an Instant Pot Bestselling author Laurel Randolph expertly mixes traditional cooking methods with the convenience of multi-cooker cooking. In her new cookbook, The Instant Pot No-Pressure Cookbook: 100 Low-Stress, High-Flavor Recipes, Chef Laurel shows you how to create a wide range of healthy, flavorful meals using fresh ingredients—without taking hours of your time. “If you aren’t using your instant pot to make risotto, then stop right there. You’re having risotto for dinner,” says Chef Laurel. “The cooker takes ordinary rice and turns it into a creamy, decadent dish, and you barely have to stir.”

2. Coat the whole garlic cloves in ¼ teaspoon oil, and place on a small piece of foil. Crumple the foil into a ball around the garlic, place in a small pan, and put in the oven. Bake for 5 minutes. 3. Meanwhile, toss the tomatoes with the remaining oil on a baking sheet with sides. Once the garlic has been roasting for 5 minutes, add the tomatoes to the baking sheet, uncovered (keep the garlic in the foil) and cook with the garlic for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the tomatoes are all burst, but not burnt. Let the garlic cool a bit before scraping out all of the roasted insides and mashing it into a paste. 4. Turn on the Sauté function on the Instant Pot. Once hot, add the butter, followed by the onion. Sauté for 3 to 4 minutes, until the onion is translucent. Add the minced garlic and cook for 1 minute. Add the wine and cook for 3 to 5 minutes, or until the alcohol smell has cooked off and the wine has reduced by half. 5. Turn off the Sauté function. Add the rice and broth. Season with salt and pepper and stir. Secure the lid. 6. Cook at high pressure for 7 minutes and use a quick release. 7. Add the mashed roasted garlic and stir well for a creamy texture. Add 2 ounces of the feta and the parmesan and stir. Taste for seasoning. 8. Serve topped with the tomatoes, chives, and a sprinkle of feta cheese. Note: This recipe works well with short-grain brown rice, too. Follow the recipe as written, except cook at high pressure for 25 minutes.

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

SAY FALL FORUM Walk the Walk & Talk the Talk:

Action Steps for Moving From Tolerance to Inclusion

SAY–Social Advocates for Youth invites you to attend an engaging, interactive program for parents, students, school staff and other professionals who work with youth. Presented by

Julia Ellifritt LISW-S Cornerstone of Hope Social Workers, Counselors and Psychologists attending the presentation will receive 2 free CEU’s!

Thursday, November 29, 2018 Registration » 3:00 p.m. Presentation » 3:30-5:30 p.m.

The Wuliger Center on Bellefaire JCB’s Campus One Pollock Circle 22001 Fairmount Blvd. Shaker Heights, OH 44118

(Free and open to the public)

Program Part 2 of

Moving From Tolerance to Inclusion *You do not need to have attended Part 1

Inclusion begins with us and spills out to our neighborhoods, schools and communities. Join SAY for this informative, interactive workshop that will help participants become part of the change for a more inclusive community. Participants will leave with specific tools that will enhance their words and actions of inclusion when interacting with youth.

Please RSVP: Nancy Schaumburg, L.I.S.W.-S. SAY Coalition Coordinator 216.320.8469 schaumburgn@bellefairejcb.org

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are offered in eight east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst.

Chris Ruma-Cullen, L.I.S.W.-S., C.D.C.A. Director of SAY 216.320.8203 cullen@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

QA &

...with Nancy Lublin

A self-proclaimed former “weird” teen, free-thinking entrepreneur Nancy Lublin is making her mark on the world through a series of socially minded ventures, from her founding of Dress for Success in 1996 to her current leadership at Crisis Text Line, an outreach platform for teens (and others) who need help. She’s also raising her own kids, ages 13 and 11—and as you might expect, she’s doing it in her own unique way. Can you walk me through how you got to where you are today professionally? I went to law school because I was a girl with a lot of opinions and ideas, so back then that meant law school. Then I got to law school and thought, This is terrible, this is not what I’m like at all. I started Dress for Success, dropped out of law school, and then I got bored because Dress for Success was doing well. I left and came to DoSomething.org, [a social action site for young people], and then that was going well. Crisis Text Line grew out of that, and now Loris, [a for-profit subsidiary], has grown out of Crisis Text Line. Really the only common thread between all of them—and it is only now clear to me looking back—is that every one of these things is about helping someone else live their best life. With your career path taking so many unexpected turns, how would you advise helping teens today find their own purpose or passion? One of the things that I’m trying to do is make sure that my kids see lots of different kinds of opportunities. I only saw doctors, dentists, lawyers, and teachers, so I thought those were my only options. So, just expose kids. Not, “Let’s try to figure out what your thing is, or what you’re good at, or what your passion is.” But show them that there are so many different tasks. What were you like as a teenager? If I was assigned an essay at school, everybody else would an-

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

swer the question, and I would do something weird. I once wrote an essay where every single sentence ended with a question mark. The entire essay was just questions. We had to write about a world leader who we admired, so everybody wrote about Churchill or Margaret Thatcher, and I wrote about Attila the Hun. We had to write a book report on something, so I wrote a new last chapter of the book. Back then, the teachers and my parents were thinking, This kid is smart, but she’s a little weird. How is she going to support herself someday, who is going to marry her, how is this going to turn out for her? What was it like to be a teen who didn't conform? It’s emotionally hard to be the nail that sticks out. It’s lonely. No 13- or 15-year-old wants to be weird. You want to fit in. Most entrepreneurs that you talk to will say that they had a hard time growing up because they didn’t fit in and they really wanted to. I would have loved to have just been a cute junior varsity player and B student and just get by. I’m not wired this way. That’s why it’s so funny to me when people go to school to become an entrepreneur, or say I really want to be an entrepreneur someday. Most people who are doing it didn’t pick this. It picked us. I don’t think I would be a great employee somewhere. Do you think your experience as an entrepreneur impacts your teenagers? Totally. Both my husband and I are entrepreneurs, so I’m convinced that my kids are going to grow up to be accountants or

What are some of the weird traditions? On Father’s Day, we try to do as many ice cream shops as possible in one day. I think our record is six. On Friday night we have dinner together, and we go around the table and say our favorite moment of the week. We’ve watched every single episode of the original “MacGyver” as a family.

dentists. They’re going to rebel by taking some very stable, routine job. My daughter is a bit of a rule-follower, which is really funny to us. But they’ve definitely seen the roller coaster that is entrepreneurship. The only thing that’s harder than being an entrepreneur is loving one, so being the child of an entrepreneur, that’s really hard. You’re on the same roller coaster, but you have no control over it.

Any other advice you have for parents of teenagers right now? You have your pulse on kids today through this texting hotline. I get asked a lot about the devices, and my husband actually turns off the kids’ apps after 8 p.m. and limits their app use on their phones, mostly because we think they become boring when they just look down at their phones all the time. We’d rather they talk to us. I get parents who really believe that social media and the phone are what’s causing their kid’s depression, anxiety, or both. When my daughter looks at Instagram and there are a whole bunch of girls in a photo and they’re tagging each other and she’s not part of it, that’s painful. That stuff has always been painful. I remember that in the ’80s, too. But it would be too easy and too convenient to believe that there’s one thing that’s contributing to your kid’s challenges. Technology can be good, and it can be bad. Some of the stuff is painful, but you can also find stuff that’s really helpful, like the Calm app or the Headspace app, or Crisis Text Line.

How do you think your own parents contributed to who you are today? I like to say that I’m from a mixed marriage. One parent was a Democrat, and one was a Republican, and they were both politically very switched on, so every night we would have dinner and watch Walter Cronkite. We talked politics, and you were expected to have an opinion, and you better know what you were talking about. I was always a free thinker, because I would waver between them, politically, on different things, so I always had a mind of my own. How would you describe your own parenting style? I aspire to be a little more helicopter. We are consciously freerange parents, and also unconsciously because my husband and I are just too busy. We’re working a lot. Monday they started code camp in New York City, and my husband and I both had meetings, so we said, “Here’s the address, have fun.” They had to get themselves to NYU.

Should parents be suggesting Crisis Text Line to their kids? You could put a card about us on your refrigerator, but we don’t want to be the thing that parents tell their kids to use. We want to be the thing that kids tell each other to use, which is how we’ve grown so far—but we also want parents to know, we’re here for you, too. We’re here for everybody, all ages. n

Do you have any family rules? We don’t allow video games in our house, so there’s a whole chunk of time that’s available. They’ll play it at their friend’s house, and it’s on their phones, but at home, we don’t have an Xbox, a Wii, or any of that stuff. I just don’t think that’s interesting. So, instead we have all kinds of weird family traditions.

Crisis Text Line

Nancy Lublin founded the nonprofit Crisis Text Line in 2013 to provide free crisis intervention via text messaging. Since then, the hotline has exchanged more than 76 million messages. Anyone can text in with a problem they're dealing with at any hour of the day. In the U.S., you can text CONNECT to 741741 (in Canada you can text 686868), and a trained counselor will do their best to help you calm down and problem-solve. Anything you text Crisis Text Line is completely confidential, but they do collect anonymized data

to improve the service they provide as well as help others handle crises. They've also decided to open up their technology so that others can use the text line. For example, you can text 4Hope to 741741 to get Ohio-specific resources, and Crisis Text Line provides the data to the state to help improve their own crisis handling. The National Eating Disorders Association lets you text NEDA to 741741 to get help. One thing the company has learned from talking to so many teens is just how little sleep they all get. "One of the things we’ll ask at 4:00 in the morning when they’re

texting us is, tell me, when is the last time you had a solid night’s sleep, and they’ll say last month, two weeks ago," says Lublin. "It’s amazing how little sleep people are getting." While the original goal was to better cater to younger people who may be more comfortable asking for help on their phones, Crisis Text Line is open to all. “We’re here for everybody, all ages,” Lublin says. “It’s heartwarming: When parents text in and say, ‘I’m a father of two and I just can’t take it anymore.’ Then if we save that person, we’re also saving his kids.”

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Grief Support in the Classroom Western Reserve Grief Services provides communitybased grief support to anyone who has experienced a death. Led by experienced grief support specialists, our School Services program offers age-appropriate support in a classroom setting to help grieving teens. •

In-school grief support groups for students who have experience the death of a loved one

•

Interactive class presentations can be customized for health or other appropriate classes

•

Staff and Parent Education Programs provide training and resources.

Contact Jane Arnoff Logsdon at jarnoff-logsdon@hospicewr.org or 216.486.6287 to learn more.

hospicewr.org

YouTH CHAllEngE:

A Place for Teens to Volunteer, Have Fun, Find Friends & Make a Difference. Does your teen need service hours? Contact us today to see how they can get involved.

(440) 892-1001 • youthchallengesports.com PRogRaMS on botH tHe eaSt anD WeSt SiDeS of ClevelanD

East: 19910 Malvern Road, Shaker Heights // West: 800 Sharon Drive, Westlake 24

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

BOOK REVIEW

The Selection You may have thought their princess phase was over, but the first book in Kiera Cass’s dystopian romance series may have your teen caught up in a different kind of fairy tale.

PARENT REVIEW Like many mothers, I read The Selection at the urging of my teen daughter. And like many adults, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the book, as well as the next four in the series, which I read entirely of my own volition. In this gently dystopian novel, 35 young women compete for the hand of Maxon Schreave, heir to the throne of Illéa. The book takes its title from the competition: Not only is the competition a game, but it is also a reality TV show for the citizens’ entertainment. Adults will recognize the parallel to The Bachelor, though teens may find it feels more like The Hunger Games. Author Kiera Cass says her real inspiration came from Queen Esther of the Bible: she married a king, but what if before she met him, she was in love with the boy next door? Our heroine, America, finds herself in exactly that dilemma. She’s in love with her childhood friend Aspen; she knows they’ll marry, despite their complicated situation. Each caste is assigned a number. Neither America nor Aspen belongs to a high caste, but as a Five, America enjoys a better life than her love Aspen, a Six. She only enters the Selection to make him happy: He couldn’t bear to think he would prevent her from experiencing a better life.   When America is chosen to compete in the Selection, she is only biding her time; she has no interest in Maxon. But when she meets him, he’s not what she expected. And Aspen doesn’t behave quite like she expected, either. Now that I’ve inhaled the entire series, I understand why teenagers (and their moms) love to root for America. These stories are fun to read and provide much fodder for good conversation: female friendship, first and enduring love, wealth and poverty, rebellion and complacency.

TEEN REVIEW When I picked up The Selection at the library the day before leaving for vacation, I did not have very high hopes for the book. Based on the cover and the description, this did not seem like the kind of book I'd enjoy. But most of my friends at school loved it, so I thought I’d see what the big deal was. To my surprise, I couldn’t put the book down; I finished it in a few hours. By the end of the week, I had read the whole series. Seventeen-year-old America Singer thinks she has her life all planned out. She’s saving up to marry Aspen, her neighbor and family patron who is below her in Illéa’s caste system. When she is given the possible opportunity to compete for the hand of Prince Maxon with 34 other girls, it takes much convincing to get her to apply for the drawing. Finally, she gives in because her family needs her to. As the competition begins, America is only in it for the small payment her parents receive regularly from the royal family. But as the group of girls becomes smaller, she is torn between two options: live a life of comfort and wealth at the palace with Maxon, or live with her true love, Aspen, and go to sleep every night hungry. This book fits quite a few genres. It is slightly dystopian with some romance and a bit of humor. There’s just enough romance in the book for those who like that. Others, like me, will enjoy following the story of a girl who stands up for the lower castes, will not let Maxon call her “my dear,” and treats her maids like sisters instead of servants. She quickly becomes a favorite across the country and almost everyone wants her to win. But does she want to? Sarah Bogel is an eighth grader in Louisville, Kentucky. She likes field hockey and Harry Potter.

Anne Bogel is the creator of the blog Modern Mrs. Darcy and host of the podcast What Should I Read Next? She is the author of I'd Rather Be Reading: The Delights and Dilemmas of the Reading Life.

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Career. You want to help others. Help shape the future of healthcare.

A respected leader in the health and healing professions, Ursuline offers bachelor’s, master’s and doctoral nursing degrees—and Ohio’s only bridge program in art therapy and counseling. Here, you can launch a successful career while making important contributions to your world.

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

ursuline.edu

LOOKING AHEAD

Raising a Caring Teen Why compassion matters more than ever By Gail O’Connor

My friend Michelle recently told me a story that might feel familiar to any parent of teens. “My 14-year-old kept badgering me to take her to the store to get more of her special shampoo,” says Michelle, who’d spent the day horizontal on the sofa, clutching a wad of crumpled tissues. “I said, ‘Honey, don’t you see that I’m sick?’ She looked at me and said, ‘But I need my shampoo, Mom. Can’t you just take me?’” Said Michelle, shaking her head, “I sometimes wonder: Does this kid have any compassion?” Well, yes ... and no. By all expert accounts, these are the years when kids are more focused on their own needs and the opinions of their peers, a developmental phase that doesn’t always favor thinking of others. However, compassion—defined as having sympathy for someone else’s suffering as well as the desire to alleviate it—can be learned. The same goes for empathy, which is the ability to understand and feel what someone else is feeling. Beyond raising nice kids, why is it important to develop these traits? “Compassion and empathy not only help strengthen our relationships and make us kinder people. They also help in our relationship with ourselves,” says Nicole Lambert, a licensed mental health counselor who works with adolescents in Rochester, New York. “If we don’t learn to think compassionately, it can lead to greater levels of self-criticism and can eventually lead to depression or other mental health issues.”

Putting Compassion into Action

Not only are empathetic and compassion-

ate adolescents more likely to share and help others, these so-called “soft skills” can become valuable assets when it comes time for college and careers. Theresa Koch, a mother of five, has always encouraged compassion in her children, having them write letters to homebound parishioners of their church and visit elderly relatives in the hospital when they are sick. “I think small acts like these, and seeing that others need to be cared for, comforted, and loved, helped them grow into empathetic young adults,” says Koch. Her daughter Valerie is now putting that compassion into action as a nursing student at Ursuline College in Pepper Pike, Ohio. “Compassion is essential to nursing,” says Valerie. “If you’re only task-oriented, patients will be lacking the emotional support they need for their recovery.” As part of her clinical rounds, Valerie not only gets to apply her knowledge of math and science, but also to practice connecting with patients in a caring manner.

Soft Skills Matter

“Soft skills are essential for success in today's workplace, and employers are looking for those who can differentiate themselves by effectively exhibiting compassionate behavior,” says Patricia Sharpnack, dean of the Breen School of Nursing at Ursuline. For example, she says, “Nursing requires a high level of honesty, integrity, compassion, and critical-thinking skills.” Volunteering at a hospital, nursing home, or any other place that requires patience, understanding, and compassion is a great way for teens to develop these skills, adds Sharpnack.

Whatever your teen’s interests, it’s worth finding ways to build compassion into their skillset. Got a kid who loves dogs? Look into volunteering for an animal rescue center, fostering a pet, or holding a birthday fundraiser to donate food and supplies to a local shelter. If your teen grimaces at the trash strewn on the soccer field, spend 10 minutes together picking up tossed water bottles to recycle. “The environment in which we’re raised plays such an important part in the development of personality and behavior and the kinds of people kids will become,” says Lambert. “This is an area where parents can really help make a difference.”

Compassionate Careers to Consider

Teens who seem well suited to caring careers might do well to consider a career in nursing. The field offers tremendous growth potential as a national nursing shortage looms, according to the American Association of Colleges of Nursing. Other careers to keep in mind include education, veterinary medicine, social work, and counseling. n

YOUR TEEN

From Your Teen for Ursuline College, educating undergraduate and graduate nursing students who practice with the highest level of care and compassion. Learn more at ursuline.edu.

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

TECH TALK

What Parents Need to Know About Virtual Private Networks Are your teens getting around website controls at home and school? By Jennifer Goforth Gregory

smiled when I saw a photo of my daughter pop up on her Instagram account last week. She was playing her flute during high school band class. Then I was a bit confused. The picture was posted during school hours, and I knew her school’s wireless network blocked social media access. “Oh, no big deal. I just used my VPN to get around the school’s control,” was her nonchalant response later that night.

A few questions later, and I had the gist of what was going on. She had downloaded a free application on her phone for a Virtual Private Network (VPN), which is a secure connection that people often use to keep online transactions, such as banking transfers, secure from cybercriminals. The VPN lets her secretly use the school's wireless network to connect to Instagram. That's because the VPN's encrypted connection makes it look like she is connected

directly to the social media site, thereby bypassing the school’s controls on Wi-Fi use. And of course, she said that “EVERYONE” at school uses VPNs. I quickly learned that my kids and their friends were not alone in using VPNs. Denise DeRosa, cyber safety expert and founder of the website Cyber Sensible, said that many teens are using VPNs to get around school filters and parental controls. This allows them to download content without Photo: Beth Segal

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

their parents’ knowledge or to access social media or games that their school may block. Teens also use VPNs to surf the web anonymously, says DeRosa. That’s because their internet browsing history is not tracked on monitoring devices, which are meant to report what websites they visit or how long they play an online game. I quickly realized that with a simple free app, my teens could access any site at any time, including pornography. And if they deleted their history, which even a rookie would probably do, then I was none the wiser. After some research, I learned that one way I could make it harder for my teens to use VPNs was to use parental controls to restrict them from downloading new apps on their phones without my permission. But I decided that

since my kids were older teens, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Laura Tierney, social media expert and founder of The Social Institute, recommends a bigger-picture approach to the issue. She said that teens using VPNs to get around monitoring devices is just another example of how they will always be one step ahead of us when it comes to technology and social media use. “Trying to keep up is like playing a game of whack-a-mole,” says Tierney. “The latest monitoring tool may work for a while, but then a new challenge will inevitably pop up.” While monitoring tools can be helpful, she says that they should not replace short, informal conversations around common social media scenarios. She calls these conversations “huddles.” “Whenever you huddle, keep your

cool and don’t overreact,” says Tierney. “Ask questions and try to understand where they’re coming from.” “When you proactively huddle with your child, you build trust and equip your child with a foundation to make thoughtful, real-time decisions in the future. That’s the ultimate win-win.” This advice resonated with me. Instead of demanding that my daughter remove the VPN from her phone, I decided that the next day, on the way home from school, I would talk with her about internet safety. I want her to understand the reasons why the school blocks social media, as well as why I want to keep her and her brother from visiting certain websites. Most of all, I hope that these conversations will equip her to make the right choices now—and in two years, when she’ll be on her own at college. n

Experience the Tradition

Interested in being a Namer for the Day? Please contact: Trace Althoff | Director of Admissions 440-886-0300 ext. 100 talthoff@holynamehs.com

Placement/Scholarship Exam Dates:

Saturday, October 20th, 2018 9:00am to 12:00pm

Parent info session at 11:00am in cafeteria

Saturday, November 3rd, 2018 9:00am to 12:00pm

Parent info session at 11:00am in cafeteria

Wednesday, November 7th, 2018 5:30pm to 8:30pm

Parent info session at 7:30pm in cafeteria

6000 Queens Hwy, Parma Hts 44130 P: 440-886-0300 • www.HolyNameHS.com www.facebook.com/holynamehs • @HNGreenwave

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

FAMILY MATTERS

Is Mom’s Sweet Gesture Over the Top—or Just Good Manners? When my 16-year-old son gets invited to a friend’s home, he and I often become locked in the same bittersweet battle. It’s not about if his homework and chores are done, how long can stay, or whether MOM he his pal’s parents are home. While he’d like to bolt out the door immediately, I usually ask him to wait so I can send him with a plate of treats. “No! I want to go now,” my son says. I understand where he’s coming from. But I also think it’s good manners to bring something with you— especially if you’ve been invited for dinner or you’re spending the night. As anyone who’s attempted to keep up with the appetites of growing teens knows, any extra food is appreciated. “No one else ever brings stuff. Why should I?” he asks, exasperated. I get it. Growing up, my mother always sent us off with batches of homemade Rice Krispies treats. (True confession: I remember being annoyed when she’d ask that I remember to bring home her pan.) But now I understand that by supplying us with sugary snacks, she was also providing us with a lesson in etiquette. By starting now, maybe Sam won’t be the kind of guy who shows up at a barbecue or holiday party emptyhanded. I certainly don’t think it’s always necessary, nor do I expect it in return, but it's a nice gesture, and if it only takes an extra few minutes, why not? Liz Alterman is a mom of three boys and a writer. She is currently working on a memoir chronicling her adventures in unemployment.

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

TEEN

Whenever I go to a friend’s house, my mom insists that I bring a plateful of Rice Krispies treats, brownies, or any other dessert she feels like making.

This seems like a great thing to do, right? Wrong. This annoys everyone involved. First of all, it always takes time to package the food. Stacking brownies on a plate, covering them in plastic wrap, and maybe even putting a bow on top takes time, and waiting for my mom to finish making food for my friends is just very irritating. Next we have the logistics problem: If I sleep over at my friend’s house, and I’m carrying a sleeping bag, video game controllers, fresh clothes for the morning, and all my other stuff, the last thing I want is another thing to hold. The addition of a dessert usually leads to awkward trips to the front door where I need to walk very carefully to make sure I don’t drop anything. Another problem we have is the plate situation. Whenever we bring a dessert, the plate almost always gets left behind at my friend’s house. We then have to pick it up later, and nobody wants to do that. None of my friends bring dessert to my house when they come, and I think it’s time for us to stop. Sam Alterman is a high school junior. He enjoys playing football and baseball and riding roller coasters.

PRO Liz and Sam are both taking considerate approaches to a situation that could seem simple at first glance but clues us in to a common conflict between parents and teens: The parent wants to share their values, and the teen wants to make independent decisions. It’s clear that Liz values etiquette. I’d encourage Liz to begin bridging the gap by considering what other thoughts, words, and behaviors exemplify

manners. Which of these is Sam demonstrating regularly? Etiquette can take different forms and come in different packages, varying by the situation and personal preference. Sam can show generosity in a variety of ways, and some may feel more comfortable and natural than others. He is figuring out what feels best for him, and it’s meaningful for Liz to recognize his efforts and skills. Sam took some awesome first steps by clearly naming his feelings and his observation of what is happening. Next, I’d encourage him to consider his needs so he can make clear requests. Sam can think about what he values in this situation. For example, “I need space to decide what it

means to be a good friend,” or “I need choice about whether or not I take snacks.” This model is adapted from Nonviolent Communication, a conflict resolution strategy, and its 4-Step Process. Clearly naming feelings can help make communication between teens and their parents clear, open, and effective. (Google it for more info.) If and when it feels fun for Sam to contribute snacks, and easy for Liz to help, I say go for it! As a certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator, Courtney Harris guides parents and supports tweens, teens, and young adults in finding their voice, growing in confidence, and thriving. Find her at courtneyharriscoaching.com.

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Parenting Stress is Real By Mary Helen Berg

YOUR TEEN

Photos by Beth Segal

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

It’s affecting you, and it’s affecting your adult relationships. Here’s how to manage— and how to foster a healthy partnership with your spouse or co-parent through these rocky teen years.

our teenager asks for permission to spend a glorious summer weekend sleeping on the beach with a couple of friends. Your spouse views this as an outdoor adventure and a bonding opportunity for close pals. You see red flags—empty beer bottles, and the peril of open water. Arguments ensue. Parenting an adolescent is more demanding and perplexing than parenting a younger child, and the pressure of raising a teen can strain your marriage, says Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., and author of Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence: How to Understand, and Even Enjoy, the Rocky Road to Independence. When children are young, couples often make joint decisions on breast vs. bottle, cloth vs. disposable, preschool or not. But the teen years present a barrage of judgment calls on dating, drinking, curfews, co-ed sleepovers, social media use, sex, sexting, truancy, failing grades, college decisions, and more. The breakneck pace of change during adolescence gives couples little time to ponder choices as a team, and personal differences can make it difficult to come to consensus. Over time, divisive decisions can drive couples and families apart, according to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. The stress of parenting teens can spill over into a marriage, and couples argue more during the teenage years than at any other stage of their child’s development. The more couples argue, the less likely they are to be happy together; as adolescence progresses, marital satisfaction often decreases. Parents of teens are already nearly as stressed

as people who are chronically ill or work potentially dangerous jobs, according to a nationwide survey, “The Burden of Stress in America,” by the NPR/Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Harvard School of Public Health. The upshot? The challenges parents face during this stage of development can threaten a couple’s “stability, predictability, authority, intelligence, sleep, and even sexual patterns,” writes psychologist Suzanne Phillips, blogger for PsychCentral, an online mental health resource. When stepparents and co-parents are involved, the dynamic is even more complicated. Fortunately, good communication and a willingness to compromise can safeguard a marriage and help the whole family emerge from the teen years as a stronger unit.

Why Couples Collide

Each parent brings distinct values, experience, personality, and family history to the mix, so it isn’t surprising that couples diverge when they confront challenging decisions about how to raise their teen. Parents tend to want to duplicate their own adolescence, if their experience was positive, or veer in the opposite direction if it wasn’t, Pickhardt says. When parenting styles collide, tensions build, and tempers flare. Instead of finding common ground to deal with their teen, stressed parents turn on each other. Phillips likens it to being caught in a traffic jam and taking the stress out on your companion in the car.

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Feature YOU’RE #1

Parents should find ways to prioritize their marriage and partnership over the relationship with their adolescent, no matter how demanding a teen is, says Vicki Hoefle, author of Parenting as Partners: How to Launch Your Kids Without Ejecting Your Spouse. “Without that, the family structure changes significantly,” says Hoefle, a parent educator for 30 years. “If the marriage is on the back burner, everything else is going to suffer.” And don’t feel guilty when you set aside time for yourselves, Phillips adds. “If teens see you abdicate your role as people and as partners, you do them no favor,” she says. “Although some parents think, she needs me, he needs me, they don’t need you at the cost of your marriage.”

Our experts offer this advice to protect your time as a couple: • Make and keep a date night each week. Be intentional about time together. • Let your teen know you won’t be doing all the driving; encourage them to make carpool arrangements with friends. • Tell your teen when you need time with your spouse. If you want to watch a movie as a couple, it’s okay to ask for privacy.

COMMON GROUND

Disagreements between parents are inevitable, says Hoefle. It’s key to respect each other’s perspective and avoid making unilateral decisions or choices that will cause resentment. “The most important thing is to understand your own upbringing and why you came to the conclusion you did about parenting,” Hoefle says. “Because that history is what’s driving your decision.” If you clash over whether your daughter can attend a co-ed sleepover or wear those short shorts, discuss your feelings without using inflammatory language. If emotions rise, take a break and cool off before continuing the discussion, Pickhardt advises. “You have to be able to talk through issues—and that doesn’t mean that you necessarily like every joint decision that you make, but you can live with it, and you understand it, and there’s give on both sides,” Pickhardt says.

Our experts offer this advice to find common ground: • Articulate your position without trying to prove you’re right. • Try to find one point that you agree on and start there to find a solution. • Remember that your teen learns how to negotiate and handle conflict from watching you. • If you feel you’re in over your heads, seek professional counseling.

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

TEEN SPEAK

My Parents Have 7 Kids. But Their Marriage Comes First.

the occasional date night. This is usually y parents just recently celedinner or, once in a great while, a movie. I brated 30 years of a wonderful stay behind and watch my younger siblings marriage. They are parents of while they get the chance to just be the two seven adopted kids, each with of them. their own problems. They've parented six In the summer, Mom and the rest of us teens already and are going to be parenting head up north, which gives my parents less their seventh and last teen soon. time to be together. But Dad takes the time Their marriage has persevered to drive up on the weekends, and once or through the test of time. Through the chaltwice a summer he takes a week off work lenges and the hard times, they’ve always and stays longer. While my siblings and I been a team. They are partners, watching swim in the river, Mom and Dad are spendeach other's back and supporting each othing time together. They sit in the boat and er all the way through. Despite their busy talk while we splash around and play. At hours and days, the two often make time to night, they take the time to walk together, be together at the end of the day. too. Sometimes I join them and all three It's not often that my parents go out, of us walk. just the two of them. With Mom homeMy parents fight once in a while, at schooling three kids still in the nest and least a little. But a lot of times it's not really Dad working all day, it can be difficult to a fight; it's actually something more playful. find the ideal night. Nevertheless, they OH_2018_YT_half.qxp_Layout 1 10/2/18 4:29 PM For Page 1 example: I have an activity I need to get don't let the business of life keep them from

to Wednesday night. Dad says he'll take me, but Mom knows it's been a long day and says she'll do it. There's no yelling or shouting, but they do take a minute or two to negotiate who will take me. With that said, they both understand that each of them has had a long day, and therefore each wants to lighten the load of the other. From this you might gather that my parents are perfect and have a perfect marriage. No marriage is perfect, but I am especially blessed that they've stuck with each other and have kept their marriage alive and healthy. They've made the time and energy to spend time with each other and have certainly honored their vows: To love and cherish, till death do us part … Hope Dougherty is a Christian writer and artist. She loves to write passionately about her many ideas and is a junior in high school.

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YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

Feature

Parenting Teens Can Stress All Families Even if you're not married, parenting teens can stress you out. Here's how you can take care of yourself and your adult relationships. CO-PARENTING

Couples who separate or divorce face additional complications when co-parenting teenagers, including households with completely different sets of rules. One household believes teens learn responsibility when they set their own curfew, while the other swears that nothing good happens after midnight and enforces an 11 p.m. deadline. How confusing are these differences for teens? Should co-parents try to agree on a shared set of rules? In general, teens are usually flexible and resilient enough to handle two different sets of standards or expectations from parents in separate households, Phillips says. But co-parents should communicate frequently, share issues that arise, and find a way to agree on how to address important matters that affect the health, safety, and welfare of their child.

Our experts offer this advice on co-parenting: • Don’t worry too much if the rules at the other household differ from yours. Part of the reason you’re not together may be that you don’t collaborate well. • If your teen prefers the rules at the other household and tries to convince you to change yours, view this as an opportunity for them to learn how to negotiate and selfadvocate. If they present a strong case, consider their argument. • Communicate frequently and cooperate with your co-parent in a positive way for the sake of your teen. Professional counseling— even if you go alone—can help.

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

SINGLE PARENTING

STEPPARENTING

Single parents of teens may not experience the hassle that comes with negotiating every decision with a partner or trying to resolve conflicts over value differences, but they bear the weight of every choice and must face the dizzying adolescent rollercoaster alone. It’s a draining combination that puts single parents of teens in two high stress groups (single parent and parent of teenagers) and makes them among the most stressed people in the country, according to the NPR/Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Harvard School of Public Health survey. “It’s so much work to make every single parenting decision about really big issues and not have somebody to bounce ideas back,” says Hoefle. “It’s also exhausting from a practical standpoint because you’re the person who gets all the emotional ups and downs.” But single parents are often effective decision-makers who recruit their teens to help run the household and find solutions to family problems, an approach that is “very formative, very powerful, and teaches a huge amount of responsibility,” says Pickhardt.

Being a stepparent can be an “absolute minefield,” says Pickhardt, who also wrote Keys to Successful Stepfathering. A teen is less likely to bond with a stepparent who joins the family during adolescence. And stepparents often walk a tightrope as they become a family insider but remain an outsider at the same time. Depending on family dynamics, a stepparent may be involved with the teen at various levels—as an equal and active co-parent, as a consultant to the original parent, or as an observer/nonparent. Regardless, stepparents of teens can offer a fresh perspective that the original parent may sorely need, Pickhardt says.

Our experts offer this advice on stepparenting: • Don’t allow the teen to pit you against your partner. (For example, if the teen's parent mandates family dinners and you support the teen's desire to eat dinner out with friends, try to present a united front and discuss it with your spouse later.)

Our experts offer this advice on solo parenting teens:

• Even if the relationship with your stepchild is precarious and you want to avoid conflict, you must share any information about risky or dangerous behavior with their parent.

• Make your physical and emotional health a priority. • Take alone time to re-energize, both for good health and to be emotionally available to your teen. • Build a tribe, a trusted group of friends or family who can provide backup and reliable advice.

• Be as actively involved as possible. Although you are not the teen's original or biological parent, as a caring, interested adult in the home, you occupy an important role in mentoring the teenager.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed, consider seeking professional counseling support.

• As needed, a professional counselor with expertise in stepfamilies can help define roles and aid in conflict resolution skills.

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

CROSSROADS

Does Your Teenager Have

OCD?

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easy to confuse OCD with just being super organized, but OCD is a potentially serious illness. By Cathie Ericson

Photo: Beth Segal

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

The teen who lines up all their shoes and folds their T-shirts just so. Or the one who double-locks (then triple, then quadruple, and on and on) to ensure the door is secure when they leave. Maybe these teens are just organized and careful, which might sound like a dream to those of us with messy or flighty teens. But if a teen’s behaviors are compulsive and repetitive, and they interfere with normal functioning, it might be a sign of something more. That’s when parents should consider whether the behaviors could be a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder, commonly known as OCD.

What to Look For

How do parents know whether their teenager just has a few quirks, or there’s actually a larger issue? Ginger Lavender Wilkerson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, California, works with teens experiencing anxiety and OCD. She explains that the American Psychiatric Association defines obsessions as intrusive thoughts or images that cause distress or anxiety, and compulsions as behaviors that a person feels compelled to do in order to ease their anxiety or suppress the thoughts. Since parents can’t read their teenager’s thoughts, Wilkerson suggests parents look for these outward signs that could indicate OCD: • A significant change in routines, especially if a teen is spending a lot of time on simple tasks such as leaving the house, or seems to be obsessing over certain topics, trends, or ideas. • Compulsions or obsessions that are impairing functioning in school, at home, or around the community. “They might

be late, or missing activities, or be overly afraid of making mistakes and not doing things correctly,” Wilkerson says.

Talking with Your Teenager

Many parents are reluctant to bring up OCD, fearful it will plant an idea that’s not yet there. But that’s rarely the case, says Misti Nicholson, director and clinical psychologist with Austin (Texas) Anxiety & OCD Specialists, who says teens typically experience tremendous relief once the topic of OCD is introduced. “They are usually already aware that they are doing things that other teens are not,” says Nicholson. “And it can be normalizing to learn both that there is an explanation for their experience and that they are not alone.” To start the conversation, she encourages parents to share their observations and ask open-ended questions. For example, you might say, “You’ve seemed preoccupied lately. What’s been on your mind?” Then ask your teen if they have noticed these behaviors, and if they see them as a problem or something that they cannot control by themselves, suggests Amanda Petrik, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Topeka, Kansas, who often works with teens who have OCD. Once the problem is identified, you can gently explain how OCD is impacting the family’s functioning, being careful to emphasize the problem is the condition, not the teen. “I often compare mental health issues to physical issues, such as asthma or diabetes, and explain that this is not something the child has chosen to have, but that there are treatments that can help,” Petrik says.

YOUR TEEN

The Importance of Treatment

While some OCD might be channeled positively in the form of increased attention to grades or sports by certain highachievers, the downsides indicate that parents should seek out a professional. Treatment is important because, in addition to living with the uncomfortable symptoms of OCD, a teen may also struggle with related problems, says Wilkerson. These may include: • Anxiety • Depression, including diminished selfworth due to shame about inability to control impulses • Difficulty with managing friendships or family relationships because of OCD symptoms—for example, when a fear of getting germs leads to avoidance of others • Other forms of extreme obsession like trichotillomania, the irresistible urge to pull out body hair Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the therapy most often recommended for patients with OCD. CBT can help teens significantly lessen OCD behaviors and substitute supplemental coping skills. “For example, if a teen is worried about germs and constantly washes their hands before moving to the next activity, you could try to go from eight times per day to just four,” Wilkerson suggests. The good news, experts agree, is that OCD is highly treatable. With help, teens who have OCD are likely to get relief from the weight of their obsessions and compulsions and free up energy and time for the things that really matter to them. n

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

PERSPECTIVES

I Wanted My Grandfather to Die Processing death and dying can be difficult for teens. Here’s how one family handled it, and what the experts recommend. .

TEEN By Cassidy Hilmar

When we reached my grandfather’s room, I held my breath. Everyone told me to expect the worst, but I didn’t know what the worst looked like— until I saw my once-lively, bright-eyed grandfather sprawled out on a bed with thin sheets covering his dwindling figure. His eyes looked glossed-over and dull as he stared blankly in the direction of a program playing on the small television. My Aunt Amy and I walked over to his bed and both of us kissed his forehead. She made small talk for a while, but I knew it was hurting her. I sat quietly, wishing I could do or say something to make it all better. “Do you know our names?” my aunt asked. He uttered an almost indecipherable “yes,” nodding his head. “What are they?” she prodded. He let out a breath, while Aunt Amy and I held ours. His response gutted both of us. “Rupert and Richard,” he declared. I tried to hide the tear sliding down my face. My mind raced backwards two years, when my friend buried her head in my embrace and whispered, “I wish it was over … I wish she would just die.” I’d frozen. How could someone say that about their own mother. Her mom was suffering through an aggressive stage 4 cancer, and my friend was forced to watch, powerless, as the

YOUR TEEN

most important person in her world deteriorated before her eyes. Now I was navigating similar waters, but with my grandfather. A year earlier, he’d had a stroke. Like the fighter he was, he began to recover. Nothing could bring him down. Until he had another stroke on the opposite side of his body a month later. Together, those strokes overpowered the strongest man I had ever met, and he began to rapidly decline. He was confined to a bed and could barely move. He’d been so fiercely independent, and now he had to be spoon-fed just to stay alive. He had once loved talking, but after he got sick we couldn’t get a word out of him. Soon, it became clear his condition would worsen—and we would be forced to watch him struggle to control a body that no longer followed his commands and to wait patiently while he mentally scrambled to figure out the word for yogurt. Over time, he faded into a stranger we couldn’t recognize. A stranger who couldn’t talk, laugh, sing, walk his obnoxious but beloved dog, move on to the thousandth level of Candy Crush (a latelife addiction), or yell at the football players on TV as if they could hear him. I couldn’t help but think that my grandfather would cringe if he could cognitively grasp what had become of him. Even at 78, he had been one of the most vibrant people I knew. He dove for the ball during beach volleyball, was the first to hop on an inner tube in Lake Tahoe. And no matter how many times he injured himself, he’d get back up and keep going—just like an athlete determined to push past the pain of an injury. He doted on his nine grandchildren,

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

lifting up the ones he could and relentlessly tickling the ones he couldn’t. We all used to say that he had never met a stranger. He would talk to anyone and everyone who would hear him. I knew my grandfather wouldn’t want to be stuck in a wheelchair staring blankly at the walls. He wouldn’t want to listen to the myriad activities going on around him without participating. He would have wanted to be the lively center of attention, as he used to be. He was someone I looked up to, someone I wanted to emulate. How could I look up to him if I couldn’t even recognize him? I had always felt close to my grandpa. I should have been able to help him. Yet I was as helpless as he was. As his health deteriorated, so too did my confidence that I could hold it all together. I couldn’t be calm or at ease around him as everyone else seemed to be—and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for walking up to his wheelchair to say “hi” at family events but feeling paralyzed as I struggled to plant a kiss on his forehead and then retreating to the bathroom to cry. I hated that I couldn’t be strong for my mom and my family because I felt terribly weak. We were trapped in this purgatory for more than a year. Waiting for something— anything—to happen. And while I prayed for my grandpa to get better—to revert back to the man I knew and loved—deep down I knew nothing could improve for us until it got worse. I thought again about the words my friend said to me so long ago and I knew my nightmare had become my truth: I wanted my grandpa to die. I wanted him to escape the pain and break free of his de-

crepit body. And I wanted my family to finally be able to grieve what had already been lost for months: our patriarch. Minutes after he died, nearly a year after his second stroke, my mom told me she saw two hummingbirds dancing in a nearby tree. In the last years of his life, he filled hummingbird feeders with sweet nectar so he could watch the birds flutter about in his backyard. After he passed away, each one of his family members began doing the same. Now when I see hummingbirds playing in the sunshine, instead of feeling pangs of sorrow, as I had when he was alive, I feel overwhelming peace. It’s as if I can feel my grandpa’s love for us, as if he is right by our sides, finally free. Cassidy Hilmar is a senior at Beckman High School in Irvine, California, and plans to go to college next fall. .

PARENT By Shannon Hilmar

“Since Grandpa passed away, everyone seems much better,” my daughter, Cassidy, said as we drove home from an impromptu family get-together. Her words cut me to the core. My dad had heart surgery in January

2017, followed by complications ranging from strokes to a life-threatening bacterial infection. The repeated attacks on his system transformed him. Once a prankster, poet, and fitness enthusiast, he now sat motionless in a bed or chair, unable to spoon his own food. During my twice-weekly visits, I updated my dad on every detail of my life. I told him what my kids were doing, what I was doing, what was going on in the world. When news ran out, I recalled funny stories from my childhood with him, all while feeling conflicted about missing time with my own children. No matter where I was, I felt guilty. But watching my three kids grapple with emotions they couldn’t name? That was heartbreaking. My 11-yearold tried to engage my dad in conversation. Sometimes it worked. Most of the time it didn’t. My 14-year-old talked at my dad—whether he responded or not. And Cass? Cass struggled. Always the one to walk into a room like she was running the show, she suddenly became a wallflower. She was nervous, antsy, uncomfortable—but only around my dad. She kissed him, said hello, then shied away. My dad was a prankster, and Cass was his partner in crime. They loved being silly together. After our visits, she felt guilty and sad because she didn’t know how to be with him anymore. “Everyone else seems to know what to do, but I feel so uncomfortable,” she

YOUR TEEN

said. “I am almost afraid to touch him. It’s just not him.” She was done with limbo. She wanted him to die. She wanted life to go back to “normal.” She didn’t understand that while our guilt over how to best be with him might dissipate, our lives would never be the same. The gaping hole my dad left behind can never be filled. Every celebration, no matter how joyous, will not be complete without that missing puzzle piece. As a 17-year-old in her prime, Cass doesn’t fully grasp that. And I’m glad she doesn’t. I’m glad she can be in the moment without looking back on the past—without missing my dad. Five days after my dad died, Cass dressed in a stunning blue gown (my dad’s favorite color) and attended the prom with her boyfriend, while I looked on mired in a complex mix of joy and grief. I tried to be in the moment with Cassidy while simultaneously stifling my pain. Knowing this was just one of life’s wonderful moments ahead of us without him. “So yes, Cassidy, everyone seems so much better now,” I said. “But really, we are just hiding the pain. We’re shedding our tears behind closed doors. And, those who spent our lives with this loving, larger-than-life guy, we’re grieving every day.” Shannon Hilmar is a mother to three children and a health clerk at an elementary school in Tustin, California.

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

PERSPECTIVES

EXPERT By Casey Durkin

A grandparent’s illness is often a teen’s first encounter and struggle with potential loss. The death of a loved one— whether this is a grandparent, parent, sibling, or dear friend—can be a distressing experience for any teen. Teens often work hard to hide their feelings. In spite of what they may show outwardly, inwardly teens have the capacity to have exceptionally strong and deep feelings of loss. For this reason, it is important that adults support teens who are ready to return to their typical activities. Often, teens turn to their peers and their normal routines for support. They may wish to return to school days after a parent’s funeral, when adults may need to take off a week or two or more from their jobs. It’s important that we understand

this to be normal and, likely, healthy. Teens don’t always want to talk about their deep feelings. However, they are often willing to share their feelings in other ways. Teens may take opportunities to express their grief in activities such as creating a collage of photos and memorabilia of the deceased for others to reminisce and enjoy, writing a poem, or even helping with the eulogy. Cassidy’s essay above is an exceptional example of a teen expressing deep feelings through writing. Many adults would be upset (just as Cassidy was when her friend shared her own feelings) that she wanted her grandfather to die. Watching your loved one’s health change dramatically is overwhelming. Cassidy was expressing love and compassion in her wanting her grandfather’s pain and deterioration to stop. Adolescence is a vulnerable period. Many teens may identify with Cassidy’s description of feeling paralyzed at family gatherings or struggling to publicly display her love by planting a kiss on her grandpa’s forehead. Paralyzed and struggling—very much normal parts of adolescence. All big feelings are appropriate at this time, includ-

ing anger. Anger is a very normal stage of grief for all ages. Cassidy’s mother, Shannon, understands the role Cassidy played in her grandpa’s life, the true connection her father and her daughter shared. Shannon’s sharing the story of the two hummingbirds following her father’s death was a true gift not just for Cassidy but for all family members. Establishing new traditions through grief can be a valuable coping tool. As Cassidy shared, each family member now filling hummingbird feeders is a great example of a new tradition that provides healing and legacy. Grief can be overwhelming for some teens. It is important to know when to refer a teen to a professional. Signs of depression, a teen isolating themselves, and changes in behavior and grades are all concerns that are best addressed with professional help. Casey Durkin, a licensed independent social worker, is the director of children and family programs at The Gathering Place, a nonprofit serving individuals and families facing a cancer diagnosis. She has over 20 years of clinical social work experience.

• Helping a child or teen with cancer

learn how to manage friends, family & medical ‘stuff’

• Helping siblings make sense of what’s

going on

• Supporting parents & guardians during

& after a child or teen’s diagnosis & treatment

• Providing programs & activities for the

entire family

TO LEARN MORE CONTACT: Casey Durkin, LISW-S Director, Children, Teen & Family Programs durkin@touchedbycancer.org • 216.455.1523

W h e n A C h i l d o r T e e n H a s C a n c e r... T h e G at h e r i n g P l a c e c a n h e l p

www.touchedbycancer.org The Gathering Place provides free programs and services to support individuals and families currently coping with the impact of cancer in their lives

YOUR TEEN

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

DID YOU KNOW?

The Nation’s Largest Survey of

Youth Risk Behaviors By Kristin O’Keefe

Key Findings from the Study What risky behaviors are teens engaging in? The YRBS found that, in the 30 days before the survey: • Nearly 40% of high school student drivers had texted or e-mailed while driving.

hen Jeanne Rossomme’s teenage son underwent shoulder surgery during wrestling season, she initially worried about his pain, not his pain medicine. But one particular memory from that time stands out in her mind: “We brought our son home from the surgery, and, even though he was still woozy from the anesthesia, he gave me his Vicodin pills. When I asked why, he told me he was already getting texts from kids at school asking about them.” Misuse of prescription opioids by teens was one of the concerns found in The National Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), which is conducted every two years by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The findings are used to improve adolescent health and understand the factors that contribute to the leading causes of illness and death among young people. If you don’t have a forthcoming teen like Rossomme—and even if you do— the YRBS can help parents know what to keep an eye on in their teenagers and among their teens’ peers.

Current Challenges for Teens

Adolescent health has improved overall, says Vincent Guilamo-Ramos, Ph.D., founder of the NYU Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health, and coauthor of a number of parent fact sheets for the CDC based on research related to parenting and adolescent health. Guilamo-Ramos, as both an expert and a parent educator, is in a unique position to translate the YRBS statistics and numbers into information families can use. (See our sidebars for key findings and for parent tips.) It’s not all good news. “Condom use among youth has decreased, adolescent depression and obesity are at all-time highs, and opioid overdoses and related deaths among youth have significantly increased,” he says. Guilamo-Ramos also cautions parents that the YRBS shows that some kids are at additional risk for unhealthy outcomes. “Within the overall youth population, sexual minority youth—those who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual or who have sexual contact with persons of the same or both sexes—are particularly

YOUR TEEN

• Close to 30% reported current alcohol use and 20% reported current marijuana use. • About 14% of U.S. high school students reported misusing prescription opioids, a behavior that can lead to addiction, injection drug use, and increased risk for HIV. • More than 14% used an electronic vapor product; about 9% smoked cigarettes. Mental health also continues to be a concern. In the year leading up to the survey: • 31.5% of students felt so sad or hopeless they stopped doing their usual activities. • Nearly 20% of students had been bullied on school property. • 7.4% students had attempted suicide.

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Communication and parenting tips vulnerable to disproportionate rates of bullying, depression, drug and alcohol use, and violence.”

Parents Matter

Risky behaviors established during childhood often persist into adulthood. Adolescence is a crucial time for developing healthy behaviors—and adults have an essential role to play. “Students are more likely to thrive if they feel safe and have a sense of belonging—and if they have parents, adults, teachers, and friends who they know care about their success,” says Kathleen Ethier, Ph.D., director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health. Guilamo-Ramos agrees that parents have an essential role in impacting adolescent decisions regarding health and overall well-being. “Too often, parents are unsure if what they say actually matters,” he says. “The truth is that research says it does. Teens want to hear from their parents on important issues and desire specific guidance.” In the case of Jeanne Rossomme’s family, she and her husband tried to be open and honest with their kids on topics like drug use and abuse. She believes those conversations helped her boys make the right choices during high school, including the handing over of prescription pain medicine. Just like medical check-ups, parent check-ins are good for your teen’s health. n

from Dr. Guilamo-Ramos • Start early and check in regularly. Listen carefully to how your teen is feeling and what they are thinking. • Show interest in what’s happening in their life. Let them know you care. • Set clear rules and expectations about what you are okay with and what is not okay. Be fair and consistent about how you enforce rules. • Before your teen becomes sexually active, teach them how to use condoms correctly and explain that condoms must be used for each act of sex, including oral sex. • Encourage your teen to get at least an hour of physical activity every day. It’s often tricky to fit in, but this can improve their physical and mental health.

• Monitor prescribed medication in your home closely and keep it with you, even if a doctor prescribed it to your teen. And dispose of leftover pills. • If you think your teen might be depressed, help them connect to and speak with a school counselor, psychologist, pediatrician, social worker, or other health professional. • For LGBTQ kids, honestly face any complicated emotions you may be having about your teen’s sexual orientation or gender identity so that you can better accept your teen for who they are. Also, help your teen find youth-focused LGBT organizations that can support sexual minority youth to develop a healthy identity within a society that is often unaccepting.

• Explain to your teen that opioids are addictive and can be deadly if mixed with alcohol.

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ASK THE DOCTOR

Tired of Tampons? Most women grew up using pads or tampons for their periods. But there are menstrual products available now that you might not have heard of. We spoke with Dr. Monica Svets, OB-GYN at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, to learn the latest. How do you use a menstrual cup? The cup is very soft and pliant. You fold it in half and squish it into your vagina at a medium depth. Then wiggle your leg a little until you feel it pop open. Once it is situated correctly, it forms a suction seal around your cervix and catches the flow of menstrual blood into the cup. Once that seal is formed, there is really no leaking. You can wear it for up to 12 hours, emptying it more frequently if necessary. Overnight is no problem. The instances of toxic shock are extremely rare. After your period is over, boil the cup to sterilize it. What are the advantages of the menstrual cup? First, comfort. Tampons have either a cardboard or a plastic applicator that scrapes the sides of the vagina, which is made of very sensitive muscle tissues. Depending on how heavy the flow is, you may be dry inserting or removing a tampon, which may cause a lot of discomfort. A girl can experience an-

ticipatory pain and contractions of the vagina, which make it even more difficult to insert a tampon. The cup is much kinder to the body. Second, [teenagers tend] to be very environmentally conscious. Plastic applicators don’t biodegrade, and you are adding waste every month to landfills. The cup is reusable, and you don’t need to buy a new supply every month. Also, it’s more convenient. A pad is messy, and it has that diaper feeling next to your skin, which can be irritating and uncomfortable. With the cup, you can go longer without worrying about it. What are the disadvantages of the cup? The main disadvantage is some girls in this age group may feel squeamish about using it. In my practice, I see women in their 20s or early 30s using the cup. They love it. It is less painful; it is more convenient; you really can forget about it. Some younger teens may be squeamish about inserting it; but if you can use a tampon, you can use the menstrual cup. It may just require a little bit of practice before you are comfortable. Removal also requires a little bit of practice. The cup has a stem on the bottom, but if you just yank on that, the suction will just increase. Instead, compress the side of the cup to break the seal. As you become better at removing it, there is less mess.

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Some women use a sea sponge. Is this a good option? The natural sea sponge is inserted into the vagina to absorb menstrual flow, and can be rinsed out. It’s soft, easy to get in, and natural, and removal is easy as well. However, there is an increased risk of toxic shock. The sponge will retain bacteria and hold it right against the cervix. Boiling the sponge after each use would be the only way to be sure you have destroyed all the bacteria. What do you recommend for teens learning to manage their period? For young teens, pads are easiest. Mothers can give them to their daughters without a lot of instruction. The downside is they’re messy, not convenient for athletics or swimming, bulky under clothing, and give that diaper feeling. The tampon is still the mainstay for most teen girls. When a girl is ready to try them, I recommend getting the kind with the curved, plastic applicator. Start with the thinnest, smallest size. Use some KY gel or lubricant on the tip of the applicator. Sit on the toilet with your knees apart. Don’t try to insert it straight up into you, as the vaginal canal curves. Instead, point the tampon towards the tailbone so it goes up and backwards at an angle. n Interview by Jane Parent

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

ASK THE DOCTOR

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HEALTHY LIVING

When Families Are Estranged, Teens May Be Caught in the Middle As the holiday season approaches, our experts offer advice on parenting teenagers through a family rift. By Erin Jay

Perhaps you and your sister have not communicated since the most recent presidential election, and she no longer wants to visit you. Your teens are very disappointed that their only aunt won’t be there for Thanksgiving again, and nothing seems to be improving. What if your sister wants a relationship with your kids, so long as you’re not involved?

Modeling Healthy Relationships

One of the most important tasks you have as a parent is to teach your child how to build lasting relationships. “You do this partly by modeling good relationships and partly by talking about good and bad choices,” says Christy Monson, M.S., retired marriage and family therapist. Parent modeling will impact the way kids look at the world. In some cases, estrangement from a family member can be a way for parents to model healthy boundaries and the importance of keeping oneself safe.

less important than safety when considering whether to allow a relationship with the relative. “If the estranged family member has a decent life and is doing the best they can, use your best judgment about whether to allow your child a relationship,” says Monson. Keep in mind that teens are growing in independence and will soon be making these decisions on their own. Parents’ ability to allow or not allow certain relationships is waning. Discuss your concerns with your teenager, and “help the child have enough information to make choices that will be good for them.” Horowitz agrees that parents should try to step back from their own issues with the family member. “If the issues are not sufficiently compelling to block the relationship, they should allow their teen to pursue the relationship. Try to be respectful of your teen's choices and don’t interfere with the progress of the relationship,” he says. n

For example, if the estranged family member is violent, abusive, or has an addiction, a parent may impose some measure of estrangement in order to keep their child safe, Monson says.

When the Teen Wants a Relationship—And You Don’t

What if Mom or Dad is estranged from the relative, but the teen wants to pursue a relationship? Be honest about the cause of the estrangement and communicate that to your teen. “Parents must be clear about whether or not their estrangement issues are sufficient to prevent their teen from pursuing the relationship,” says Richard Horowitz, Ph.D., founder of Growing Great Relationships, a relationship coaching practice. Monson says that teenagers are old enough for a nuanced discussion about the strained relationship. Arguments and disagreements among the adults are

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Practical Tips for Parents Broken family relationships are painful and complicated. Horowitz offers this advice: • Accept that your own estrangement is not a sufficient reason to prevent your teen from engaging in a relationship with the family member. • Share, as fairly as possible, what events created the problem and explain why those issues prevent your reconciliation. • If the relationship is not unsafe, assure your teen that you will not sabotage their relationship with the family member. • If necessary, negotiate how you will manage the logistics of the contact between the teen and the estranged individual. For example, will you drive the teen to the relative’s home?

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

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MIDDLE SCHOOL CORNER

The Upside of Failure Why letting middle schoolers fail is not letting them down. By Nancy Schatz Alton

As the director of a middle school, Dr. Michelle Harris has seen plenty of students struggle with the idea of failure. Over the years, she has formed a definite opinion on the topic. “I agree with [educational philosopher] John Dewey that failure is instructive,” says Harris, a clinical psychologist and director of the Middle School at Hawken School in Lyndhurst, Ohio. Of course, in order for failure to be instructive, we first have to allow our kids to fail. Some failures we cannot prevent, like when they miss the winning soccer goal. Other mistakes can be harder to let happen, say, by not bringing their forgotten lunch or homework to school, or not waking them up when they oversleep and miss the bus. Although it can be hard not to step in, here’s why parents should want their kids to sometimes get a zero in the gradebook or a tardy slip in the attendance office.

The Failure Zone

Middle school is actually the perfect setup for failure, says Jessica Lahey, an educator and author of The Gift of Failure. At this age, the brain’s frontal lobe—responsible for higher-order thinking—is developing, and that development won’t be complete until their early 20s. At the same time, we load them up with seven different classes, numerous transitions throughout their day, a locker, and a school full of kids whose brains and bodies are also under construction. “For better or worse, middle school asks more of them than they are actually capable of giving,” says Lahey. “It’s not a matter of if they’ll fail, it’s a matter of when and how often.”

Still, Lahey recommends that this is the time when parents should step back from being the main communication source between home and school. They forgot their homework or failed a quiz? Let them sort it out. Every time your middle schooler talks face-to-face with a teacher to fix a mistake, they’re practicing self-advocacy. Stepping back from in-person advocacy doesn’t mean completely relinquishing your role in helping a teen rebound from mistakes. For example, you can email the teacher to give a heads-up that your child needs to talk with them about an issue, says Lahey. But then, let your child do the talking.

Failure as a Life Skill

From her years at Hawken, Harris knows that middle school is a time when students begin to grapple with difficult situations. That’s why she wants them to get all the practice they can. “Failure takes practice because kids have to develop the skills to turn mistakes into opportunities for growth,” she says. For parents, that means trying to be quiet in the aftermath of big and small disasters. Our first instinct is to empathize and define their experience for them. “When the shot misses the goal, it’s hard to let the sulky teen in the backseat be,” says Harris. “If we give them time and space to feel, we might learn that they’re upset not because they missed the goal but because it was so public. Or that they don’t even want to be playing soccer.” She recommends that adults offer empathy, saving their opinions and emotions to share with a partner or friend later. After you listen to your kid unload, try

gently asking open-ended questions about how they want to deal with the situation, says Harris. “Giving our kids agency to decide how to respond is a loving and powerful message. It says, ‘I believe you are capable of steering your own boat.’”

Bouncing Back

Letting teens respond to small setbacks on their own prepares them for larger failures later. Your problem-solving discussions can guide tougher situations down the road— for instance, when your kid makes a bad decision at a party. “Even if you initially get angry, the second, calmer conversation is about helping them figure out what to do the next time they’re faced with a difficult situation,” says Harris. “Then they know, ‘Yes, Mom will get mad at me when I really mess up, but she’ll also listen and help me process what happened and what I’d like to do differently next time.’” That’s the good news when it comes to letting our kids fail. “Hurt and failure are a fact of life,” says Harris. “If we allow our kids to fully experience failure while helping them develop the skills to bounce back afterwards, healthy growth and development will take place.” n

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From Your Teen for Hawken School, an independent school serving boys and girls in Preschool through Grade 12. Get ready to do school differently! Learn more at hawken.edu.

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

TWEEN TALK

Is Texting Trouble for Tweens? Middle school social life is happening via group text. Here’s how to help kids navigate the ups and downs. By Whitney Fleming

ast year, my family took a cruise for spring break. Because the ship did not have free Wi-Fi, my 12-year-old daughter spent seven days sans phone without complaint. As we disembarked, I handed her iPhone over, and she excitedly powered it on. While we stood in line to go through customs, I heard her exclaim, “Wow, it just won’t stop!” I peered over her shoulder and noticed text messages appearing like rapid fire. The end count was north of 1,500 messages from two different group chats.

YOUR TEEN

I was shocked. My daughter had only had her phone for a few months, and while I monitored it, I found most of the messages were innocuous. Right before we left, some friends added her to two groups where 10 to 15 girls seemed to be texting non-stop. More surprising than the sheer volume of the messages, however, was the tone of the communication. Although not directed at her, there seemed to be several disagreements and mean-spirited comments. I started questioning whether this mode of communication was right for my tween.

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The Group Text Social Scene

“In comparison to other forms of social media, texting is pretty safe, but that doesn’t mean parents should back off entirely,” says Phyllis Fagell, licensed clinical professional counselor at Washington, D.C.-based Sheridan School and author of the forthcoming Middle School Matters. “Middle schoolers are doing the same stuff in text chains that they’re doing in the cafeteria, a sleepover, or in the hallways. They may be trading gossip for status or making someone else feel crappy—or they may be making plans or talking about a soccer game.”

Fagell has seen kids as young as 8 texting, and she believes younger kids are too immature for this form of communication. “By middle school, I think it’s fine to let kids text as long as parents stay involved,” says Fagell. Texting now occupies a key place in the middle school social scene, and Fagell cautions against completely banning it to protect kids. “At an age when kids are asserting their place in the pack and figuring out their identity, they’re going to try out some mean behaviors,” she says. “But they’re going to do that in person too, and if you don’t let them text, they’re going to feel socially isolated. And texting isn’t just a vehicle for gossip or cruelty—it’s often used to lift each other up or check in about homework.”

When Texts Turn Ugly

What’s a parent to do when a group text goes off the rails? Whether it’s your kid or someone else’s who has made mistakes, consider this an opportunity to teach your tween how to handle this and

other tricky social situations. “Teach your tweens not to be reactive. If their heart rate goes up or they feel angry, encourage your child to step away from their device and don’t engage,” says Devorah Heitner, Ph.D., founder of the blog Raising Digital Natives and author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World. “Sometimes kids don’t recognize drama as it’s unfolding, so parents need to teach them how to refrain from reacting. When possible, tweens should address their peers face-to-face.” Heitner encourages more mentoring than monitoring of text messages. Instead of just scanning for inappropriate content, parents should use digital communication as an opportunity to teach some basic social skills. For example, “Tension can develop from something as minor as an unanswered text,” she says. “Tweens’ feelings can get hurt quickly, so they need to understand that every text may not get answered im-

mediately for a variety of reasons, and that they need to be patient with their friends.” Sometimes behavior occurs in a text thread that may make others uncomfortable, such as name-calling, swearing, or bullying. Heitner advises that tweens should always feel okay to exit out of a group text. “Make sure your child has an out if they are uncomfortable, such as saying that their dad reads all their texts or another excuse,” she says. “If bullying is happening, they should not address it in the group, and instead communicate directly with individuals.” If group texting is stressing you out as a parent, Heitner offers some hope. “Group texts are often for new users, particularly fifth and sixth graders. By eighth or ninth grade, many teens only use group texts to make plans or for team communication.” n

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COLLEGE CORNER

Personal Safety at College Yes, you do need to talk about it. By Linda Wolff

When your son or daughter is getting ready to head off to college, they’re likely excited about the chance to enjoy some delicious freedom. You, on the other hand, may be thinking about all the ways they could get into trouble, far from your watchful eyes. By the time I dropped my kids off at their college dorms, they were tired of hearing my voice. I snuck in advice whenever and wherever I could in the hopes that some of it would sink in. Don’t walk alone at night. Leave with the friends you came with. Don’t drink the punch. Nothing good happens after 2 a.m. They will act like they don’t want to hear it, but I can promise you two things: One, we really do need to have these awkward conversations. And two, they are actually listening. So, here’s what they need to know:

1. Use the Buddy System

“Talk to your friends before going out about your intentions for the night. Develop a plan for how to look out for one another, and stick to that plan,” says Jennifer McCary, assistant vice president for student affairs and Title IX coordinator at Bowling Green State University. “Alcohol and other drugs make things unclear, and statistics have shown that alcohol-related sexual assault is a common occurrence on college and university campuses.” Everyone needs a wingman or woman.

2. It’s Okay to Say No Thanks

“Students tend to believe that everyone at college is drinking, but that’s not the

case,” says McCary. Of those who do drink, many are doing it only because their friends are. She believes students might be surprised to learn just how many others would be on board with having an alcohol-free evening. “It’s okay to put water or ginger ale in that red cup. No one will know that you aren’t drinking a beer,” she tells students. If a student does plan to drink, she suggests, “Tell your friends that you don’t plan to have more than one or two drinks, and then hold each other accountable.” The goal is to avoid binge drinking, an increasing problem on college campuses and one that can have life-threatening consequences. Binge drinking typically happens when men consume five or more drinks or women consume four or more drinks in about two hours. This truly is the time for your teenager to “just say no.”

3. Set Clear Boundaries on Consent

While the primary focus of parental worry for college kids might be drugs and alcohol, it’s incredibly important to have conversations about sex as well. This applies to both sons and daughters. “Students need to understand what constitutes consent and be sure to have clear consent before engaging in any sexual activity,” says McCary. Nelson Nio, Founder of SHIELD Women’s Self Defense System in Los Angeles, gives this advice: “If someone does something that crosses your boundary, say, ‘That doesn't work for me,’ and stick with it. Trust your in

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stincts and always be aware of your surroundings. Never be embarrassed to run or create a scene if you feel threatened. Don’t just say ‘No,’ yell loudly: ‘Stop!! This is rape!’”

4. Speak Up

Students may be hesitant to make a report for fear of any negative repercussions. But McCary strongly advises them to speak up or intervene if they see or experience something that is wrong.“Don’t be afraid to step up and step in if necessary.” She suggests signing up for bystander training if your campus offers it. “Take advantage of resources provided by the university,” she adds. “If you need help, or need to support a friend, there are several offices designed to assist you, including confidential resources. Use them.” “Report concerns of sexual misconduct, relationship violence, stalking, bias, or any other concerning incidents.” Hopefully, your student will never need this advice. But just on the off chance … have the difficult conversations. n

From Your Teen for Bowling Green State University, which is yearly ranked one of the safest campuses in the United States. Learn more at bgsu.edu.

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

THIS IS MY. . .

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CollegeAdvantage is a 529 college savings plan offered and administered by the Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, a state agency. To learn more about CollegeAdvantage, its investments, risks, costs, and other important information, read the Plan’s Offering Statement and Participation Agreement available at CollegeAdvantage.com. If you are not an Ohio resident or taxpayer, learn if your home state offers state tax or other benefits for investing in its own 529 plan.

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SAVING FOR COLLEGE

The Grandparent Gift That Won’t Get Returned Sure, clothes and electronics are nice. But the best gift of all might be money for college. By Diana Simeon

ll I want for Christmas is … money for college. Okay, that’s not how the song goes, but perhaps it should be? Giving money to help a grandchild pay for college might not have the same wow factor as the latest gadget or gizmo. But when it comes time to pay the bill, it will be much more meaningful. That’s because college is a lot more expensive than it was when many grandparents were putting their own children through school. According to the CollegeBoard’s “Trends in College Pricing 2017” report, the average in-state tuition and fees at a public four-year institution is more than three times as high in inflation-adjusted dollars as it was 30 years ago. Private institutions are more than twice as high. Meanwhile, real average wages (wages when accounting for inflation) have barely budged in decades, according to the Pew Research Center. No wonder so many families struggle to pay for college. “If you take into account tuition, room and board, books and fees, you’re often looking at more than $25,000 a year at a public institution and a lot more at a private institution,” says Tim Gorrell, executive director of the Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, which manages CollegeAdvantage, Ohio’s 529 Plan. “For many families, being able to save enough money for college is no longer possible, so grandparents can be really helpful if they have the means to do so.”

Giving Money for College

Giving money for college is a little more complicated than just writing a check

for your grandchild. Rather, grandparents will want to ensure that the money is provided in a way that offers the biggest benefit when the bills are due. That typically means gifting the money to the grandchild’s parents, explains Jack Schacht, founder of the My College Planning Team, based in Naperville, Illinois. “You want to be careful that the student doesn’t pile up a lot of money in their own savings account,” he explains. “While it’s nice for the student to see the money grow, it will raise their expected family contribution.” When colleges determine how much a family should pay—the “expected family contribution”—they take a close look at the value of both the parents’ and student’s assets, including money in non-retirement accounts. Parent assets reduce need-based aid by 5.64 percent of the asset’s value, but student assets are dinged at 20 percent. “This is why we never want money held in a student’s name,” notes Schacht.

Consider a 529 Savings Account

The exception is a 529 college savings account. Money in these accounts is assessed at 5.64 percent, whether it’s a dependent student or a parent who owns the account. Think of the 529 account like an IRA or 401(k). Money invested in the account grows tax free; withdrawals from the 529 are also tax-free when used to pay for qualified education expenses, which include tuition, room and board, books and supplies, and even computers.

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529 plans offer other tax advantages, too. “Beginning in 2018, Ohio residents contributing to Ohio’s 529 Plan can take a deduction of up to $4,000 per beneficiary on their state taxes,” says Gorrell. “And, if you contribute more than $4,000, there’s unlimited carry-forward so you never lose the deductibility of the rest of your contribution.” In other words, if an Ohio resident contributes, say, $5,000 in 2018, they can deduct $4,000 on their 2018 state income tax and carry forward the remaining $1,000 as a deduction on their 2019 state income tax. Grandparents can also contribute to a parent’s 529 account for which the grandchild is the beneficiary. “This may be the simplest way to go,” says Gorrell, adding that many 529s—including CollegeAdvantage—offer easy-to-use online portals for grandparents to make such contributions during the holidays. Or any other time, for that matter. Adds Gorrell: “A grandparent can go online and make a contribution directly from their bank account. It couldn’t be easier.” n

From Your Teen for Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, administrator of Ohio’s 529 Plan, CollegeAdvantage. Helping families save for college for more than 27 years. Learn more at collegeadvantage.com.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

HOT TOPICS

Interview with

Sanjay Gupta Sanjay Gupta is the chief medical correspondent for CNN, playing an integral role in all of the network’s health and medical coverage. He has traveled around the world for his work and has won multiple Emmys. At home, though? He’s the parent of three daughters and, like the rest of us, he’s figuring it out.

You talk a lot about multitasking, and how we think we’re being efficient, but we’re not really. How does this culture of multitasking affect teenagers? People have the perception that they are more efficient than they are. You may accomplish more tasks, but maybe not at the level you could. I just spent some time with Jean Twenge, a behavioral

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psychologist out of Stanford who wrote this book called iGen. It fascinated me. She made the case that the brains of teens who were born after 2005, who are just becoming teens now, versus the brains of teens before that, are fundamentally very different. For various reasons, including smartphone technology. It’s one of the biggest behavioral shifts ever recorded.

Do you have firm limits on technology in your house? We're not great with that. We allow our kids to get a phone when they finish 6th grade, which they constantly remind me is late. They’ll pull up articles and show me the average age is 6 years old. We allow my oldest to use social media, but we have made an agreement that we have access to all that social media as well. We check in on certain

“I’ve been at birthday parties where it’s in a great location with a pool, and every kid is sitting off, maybe next to each other, but all on their devices. It’s really frightening sometimes.”

accounts that are private. We limit her screen time. We have certain things in the house where we can turn off Wi-Fi at certain times so the kids are not on devices.

What surprises you most about technology? What really struck me is some of the statistics that kids are safer now than in the past. Twelfth graders now go out less than 8th graders used to go out. They drink less; they get their driver's license later. But my oldest, if she dives into social media for a while, a lot of times, she comes out of it less happy. Physically safer, but mentalhealth-wise, more affected. What do you think about everyone photographing everything? Lived experience isn’t enough unless you can brag about it. It’s mystifying. In the middle of something really beautiful, our brains and our minds are not enough to record this wonderful thing that you are seeing. It’s not even recorded unless you record it. I’ve been at birthday parties where it’s in a great location with a pool, and every kid is sitting off, maybe next to each other, but all on their devices. It’s really frightening sometimes.

in the family. Part of it is personality, and part of it is that she does spend more time with them. If I’m not spending as much time, I don't think it’s appropriate to be the enforcer.

What kind of parent are you? What has been really good for me as a dad is that I am a lifelong learner. I think knowledge is one of the greatest things I could possibly give my kids. They may moan and groan when I say we're going to talk about X today, I'm going to tell you things that I’ve been thinking about, and I want to hear what you think. The moaning and groaning happens at the beginning, just like when you ask somebody to go to the gym—but then when they're done with the workout, they love it. How do you balance family life with your profession? I don't think I’m a person that you’d look at and say, “He’s figured that out.” I don't think of it as a balance. I let my kids in on my professional life, and I ask their opinion on things, stories that I’m doing, and I think they love that part of it. I’m gone more than I should be, more than I want to be, but it seems to have worked out okay so far.

Are you a strict parent? I think if you were to ask my kids, my wife is definitely the enforcer

You’ve had some criticism. How do you process that? Do you bring your girls into that? You can’t hide from criticism these days, especially when you have kids who have social media and they can surf the internet. I think my kids have Google alerts on me so they know what’s happening with Dad at any given time. We do talk about it. I think it’s an opportunity. My approach is, I’m not perfect. If I got criticized and I deserved it, then I’ll listen to it and fix it. If it’s not a warranted criticism, then you can’t use the emotional and mental bandwidth in thinking about it. I tell my kids, nobody is perfect. If somebody is critical, listen to them. If you think it has merit, fix it. If it doesn’t, move on. You were one of People magazine’s Sexiest Men. Is that a big moment in your life? It was sort of a funny thing because I have always been who I was, and suddenly you do television and now you're a sexy guy. You haven’t changed at all. You’re still the same person. I was a single guy at the time, although my wife and I had been dating. We joked that we're all going to get old, and one day I’ll look back and show the grandkids. It was a fun experience. But it’s not something we memorialized in any way. n Interview by Susan Borison

YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

SMALL STUFF

When Your Teen Won’t Talk to You Get closer by trying these listening techniques. By Lisa Fields

When stress was having negative effects on her 16-year-old daughter’s academic performance, Sheri Saurer of Indiana, Pennsylvania, was desperate for information. But she couldn’t get her daughter to talk. She’d pepper her teen with questions but get no responses. “Was her homework done? Why didn’t she turn in her assignment? Why were her grades dropping? What did she do today?” Saurer says, recalling her line of questioning. “She sat silently. She listened. And then went to her room.” Eventually, Saurer asked her daughter what she was doing wrong. “Her answer was, ‘Just accept me,’” Saurer says. “Everything changed from that moment on. I made a conscious effort to listen, rather than talk and tell her what I thought she should do.”

YOUR TEEN

Parent Pitfalls Common communication mistakes can hurt parents’ relationships with their teens. In addition to rapid-fire questioning, another misstep is waiting for a pause in the conversation to jump in and explain why the teen should have done something differently, says Graham Bodie, Ph.D., a listening researcher and professor of integrated marketing communications at the University of Mississippi. Listening only distractedly to the teen—perhaps with a cell phone in hand—is also counterproductive. These responses can lead to missed opportunities for parents to dig deeper and connect with their teens. And when teens feel lectured or ignored by their parents, they often clam up or talk to their peers instead.

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“When our stories are interrupted or responded to with advice, lectures, or even reciprocal stories that take the conversation away from helping us process things, we are not getting what we need,” says Bodie. “Chances are, we are not going to open up as much, or at all, the next time.”

New Approaches Parents who have lectured or zoned out in the past can improve communication by becoming better listeners. Try these conversational techniques: Focus. First and foremost, Bodie says, when your teen comes to you, put all your other thoughts and tasks aside. Follow up. Ask good follow-up questions to stay focused on the matter at hand,

and respond with actual comments— and not just those silence-filling “uh huhs” that keep the conversation flowing—to show that you’re really tuned in. Celebrate. Be supportive when your teen tells you something that he’s proud of. Even if you’re not particularly invested in your teenager’s Fortnite game victory, they are. “If you can’t be encouraging during the positive times,” Bodie says, “they won’t feel like you will be supportive when something goes wrong.” Be specific. Reframe the way you ask about your teen’s day to demonstrate that your listening style has changed. Inquire about specifics, instead of asking vague questions. What made her proud today? What did she accomplish? What did she struggle with? “These types of questions elicit stories,” Bodie says. “‘How was your day?’ elicits one-word answers.”

Slow down. Don’t ask more than one question at a time. Grilling your teen can lead to the silent treatment. Consider timing. Right after school isn’t always the best time for a chat. “Many parents with teenagers do the equivalent of verbal waterboarding: You come into the house and you get piles of questions,” says Alan Kazdin, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Yale University. “When she comes home, let her go to her room. Let her have a half hour. And then do something with her.”

Quiet Time Together Spending more time together can improve communication channels with your teen, too. That’s true even if you don’t talk about anything in particular. Read across the room from where your daughter is texting, or have her do homework in the kitchen while you’re preparing dinner.

“Quality and quantity time aren’t a substitute for each other, but quantity time can make a difference,” says Kazdin. “With togetherness, more things will start to come out.” Trying to fit a stream of questions into a small window of time can be counterproductive. “The blockade goes up. If you just spend time together, the blockades go down. And we know from research that teenagers want to talk to their parents.” You can insert togetherness into any situation. When you run errands, bring your teen along, and occasionally stop for a meal or dessert. “It’s not about the food—it’s about more time together in the same setting,” Kazdin says. “Sit there in silence, and the silence will be broken by the child.” n

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YOUR TEEN

| NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2018

SNAPSHOT

When Christmas Got Quiet By Bonnie Jean Feldkamp

We lay there staring at the ceiling. Something was off. It was quiet. No squeals. No patter of excited feet running down the hall to our bedroom. Just dark and quiet. Every year on Christmas morning, my husband and I were forbidden to get out of bed. An unspoken law of sorts. The way it was supposed to go was that the children were to burst in and jump on the bed and wake us. “It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!” they’d say. But this year we lay there, eyes wide open. We’d periodically allow our phones to illuminate for a moment, so we could double-check the time, but not for long enough that a child might catch us awake. No. That wouldn’t be good. “Aw, you’re awake?” they’d say, and we’d know that we had ruined Christmas. So, there we lay. While visions of sugar plums apparently still danced in their heads, visions of coffee danced in ours. And also dreams of a quick jaunt to the bathroom. “This is ridiculous,” my husband whispered as the room began to lighten with the dawn. “What do we do?” I answered. That’s when my husband unlocked his phone screen and texted the teenager. Can we please commence the Christmas morning wake-up routine? They were older; we understood that. The gift requests alone would clue you in to that fact. Puzzles were

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500-piece, not 24, and stockings were stuffed with gift cards, not Matchbox cars. (Though, at ages 15 and 11, the kids still appreciated the chocolate.) Christmas traditions should be changing as they grew, but who were we to say when? Each year, the eldest played along with the Christmas morning ritual because she enjoyed the magic of Santa and wanted her younger sister to hold on to the fun. I remember when the youngest first questioned us about Santa. She walked into a room of gifts to be wrapped at a relative’s house and saw that on some of the gift tags someone had written, “From Santa.” I was prepared for a conversation about the Christmas Spirit and how it lives in all of us—I always enjoyed the giving side of the holiday and hoped she would, too. I knew the questions would happen sooner or later. But it was not time yet. Her sister stepped in to rekindle the magic, and I wouldn’t have that talk with the youngest until the following year. Once Santa’s cover was blown, a few more years of surprises under the tree kept the excitement alive. The girls still wanted to burst through our bedroom door to get the much-anticipated show on the road. Eventually, a quiet Christmas morning was bound to happen, and here we were. My husband and I lay in bed bored and waiting while our ado-

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lescents slept through the dark winter morning, knowing their gifts would wait. My husband’s text message to the eldest said “delivered” but it had not been read. Even the dogs still contentedly snored. You’d think they might have told us, “Mom. Dad. Wake us up when the cheesy potatoes are done. We’re sleeping in this year,” and not left us lying around, wondering if this was the year Christmas would change. I glanced at my husband and tried to determine whether he was annoyed with the delay or shared my pang of sadness at this end of a parenting era. I got out of bed, put on my housecoat, and shuffled to the kitchen to make coffee. This roused one of the dogs, and I smiled at the appropriate jingle the tags on her collar made. As I drank my cup of coffee and the oven warmed for our traditional Christmas breakfast, I warmed to the idea of a quiet Christmas morning. I could enjoy a moment of peace and remembrance next to the lit tree. Soon, my husband joined me. Then, one by one, the kids made their way down the hall sleepily, yawning and rubbing their eyes. I gave each a squeeze. “Good morning. Merry Christmas.” n Bonnie Jean Feldkamp is a writer, wife, and mom of three kids whose ages span two decades. Find her on social media @ WriterBonnie.

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THE LAST WORD

I Thought the Kids Were Needy. Maybe It Was Me All Along. By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

When the kids were little and I worked part-time, I rushed home to see them, smell them, read with them, bathe them—all of it. I needed it (even though I told myself they needed it). They were so happy to see me—Mommy!!! Big kisses, hugs, snuggles—the whole thing. Yum. I could never tire of this. Fast forward 10 years, and there were two in high school and one in middle school. At that point, I was working from home a lot. Strike that—working a lot, mostly from home. I tried desperately to schedule outside meetings during the school day, so I could be home for the kids—even if it meant sitting at the kitchen table working. Most days I was in a full sweat, having rushed to get home before the kids arrived. I earned the name lead foot. On one particular day, I slipped in from the garage 30 seconds before the onslaught of kids. Not even a minute to appreciate the quiet state of the house. The first one came home, dropped his backpack, and headed to the family room to turn on the television. I was working in the kitchen—didn’t he see me? Clearly, I was wearing the Harry Potter invisibility cloak. Weird, I didn’t even remember putting that on. Hey to you, too, I muttered under my breath. Next one came in, dropped his backpack, and headed to the piano. This

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one definitely had to see me; in fact he maybe even bumped my chair when he walked past me to get to the piano. Yeah, these kids were really crying out for my love and attention. Kid #3 entered the house. I gave her my best sad puppy-dog face. Taunting her to acknowledge me, hug me, ask me how my day was. She could feel my stare. Nothing. “How was your day?” I offered meekly. “You’re so needy,” she replied. Gotta love the gene pool smirking back at me. Ouch. “Just wanted to check in—was your day okay?” “Why do you always ask that?” She seemed annoyed. “’Cause I care?” It was definitely a question—not a question of whether I cared, but of why I bothered to ask. “Fine. Are the boys home?” “I think so.” I didn’t want to appear needy. “How do you not know if they are home?” Instead I appeared stupid—so much better.

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“Yeah, I think I heard them come in a bit ago.” I’d show her who’s needy. Not me. With that, she exited the room. Truly so glad I killed myself to get home. I sat at the table for the next 30 minutes, catching up on email that hadn’t been checked since the wee hours of the a.m. Why do I do this to myself? They don’t care whether I’m here. Child #1 entered the kitchen—he had decompressed and began foraging for a snack. “How was your day, Mom?” the headless body asked as he leaned into the refrigerator. I looked up, feigning surprise. “Who, me? Yeah, it was good. Busy, but good. How was yours, Cook?” (I’m still holding onto his nickname from long ago.) Then Kid #2 and Kid #3 showed up— and like that, we were all together at the kitchen table, snacking, doing homework, taking jabs at each other. It was noisy, messy, smelly, and frantic. Just how I liked it. Who could tire of this? The “Mommy!” days are over, but I need this, too. n Stephanie Silverman is the publisher of Your Teen.

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the me I never expected

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