Your Teen for Parents September-October 2018 by Your Teen Media

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

BACK-TOSCHOOL ISSUE!

How to Manage the Everyday Chaos Parenting the Video Game Fanatic When Parents Can't Do Anything Right Should EKG Testing be Mandatory? VOL. 11 ISSUE 1 SEPT.-OCT. 2018 $ 3.95

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Post About Me, Mom! yourteenmag.com

CONTENTS SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

FEATURE: How to Manage the Everyday Chaos p. 32

Photo: Beth Segal

p.8 8 Bulletin Board We asked teens

p.19

p.28 Skills

28 Tech Talk A retro idea for family time

#ParentHack Book recommendation By the numbers

19 In the Kitchen Waffle Fry BBQ Bites

30 Family Matters Do parenting rules need to

11 Stuff We Love Get ready, here comes fall!

21 In the Spotlight Interview with comedian Joe Sib

15 Getting Organized Organizing your teen’s room

25 Book Review Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now

16 In A Minute

27 Looking Ahead Raising a confident

teen

Don’t post about me, Mom! The scoop on protein powders

18 Move-Out Fill ‘er up!

make sense?

32 Feature How to Manage the Everyday Chaos

38 Crossroads How to help when a teen self-harms

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

CONTENTS SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

40 Perspectives The struggle to be myself 43 Did You Know? Should EKG testing be mandatory?

45 Ask the Orthodontist Treating anxious patients 46 Healthy Living Parenting the video game fanatic

49 Middle School Corner Helping your middle

schooler get organized

50 Tween Talk Help your daughter

sidestep “the confidence slump”

53 College Corner How to make the best

of junior year

p.58

55 Saving for College Middle school is the time

for a savings check-up

56 Hot Topics Interview with Keith Carlos 58 Small Stuff When parents can’t do

anything right

60 Snapshot Making space for the joy

p.46

of reading

p.56

62 The Last Word

Special thanks to our cover sponsor, Cuyahoga Community College, where learners, leaders, and citizens are educated. Tri-C offers honors and scholars programs as well as stipends and scholarships for transfer and career. Learn more at tri-c.edu/honors.

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COVER PHOTO: BETH SEGAL

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

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LOV E F RO M O U R FA N S . . .

September-October 2018 Volume 11, Issue 1

I started following this page a few months back, and it’s making me feel “normal” again! We are parenting our first “tween” (12), and I feel like there were so many groups (Moms club, MOPS, etc) that helped me through the early years...but you get to this phase and it’s a desert! I keep reminding myself that it’s the 1st time we’ve been parents of a 12-year-old girl, and we’re learning too. —Jennifer Mavros, via Facebook I swear you are in my home this week! Super grateful for how relevant the articles have been for me this week, I’ve really needed to hear much of this. — Danyel Stealey-Munro, via Facebook

PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how helpful your articles and newsletter are to me. I have four kids (with three being teenagers) and your topics are always extremely relevant to my situation. I work on communications in my job, so I know the challenges of writing meaningful, engaging content. I just wanted to commend your team for their great work. — Robert, via email

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Susan R. Borison

STAFF EDITORIAL

CREATIVE

WEB CONTENT

MANAGING EDITOR

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

SPONSORED CONTENT EDITOR

PHOTOGRAPHER

SEO MANAGER

Sharon Holbrook Jennifer Proe

Meredith Pangrace Beth Segal

Pardon us if we brag for a moment... Your Teen was named WINNER, Best Print Publication in the 2018 Content Marketing Awards by Content Marketing Institute! And FINALIST, Best Special Topic Issue, for Your Teen Parents’ Guide to College Admissions! We’re proud to be the trusted source of information, guidance, and support for parents raising teenagers. Be sure to read us online at yourteenmag.com, subscribe to our e-news, and follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for more great advice.

Mindy Gallagher Jessica Port

WEB EDITORIAL MANAGER

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CIRCULATION

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CONTROLLER

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CIRCULATION & DATA MANAGER

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EDITORIAL CONSULTANT

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CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

Nancy Schatz Alton, Mary Helen Berg, Katie Bingham-Smith, Galit Breen, Lisa Damour, Jen Jones Donatelli, Phyllis L. Fagell, Laura Kastner, Ellen Keefe, Cheryl Maguire, Shannon Shelton Miller, Kim O’Connell, Gail O’Connor, Jane Parent, Amy Paturel, David Rockower, Jaimie Seaton, Diana Simeon, Addison Smith, Elizabeth Walker-Ziegler, William Lucas Walker, Jaden Webb, Wendy Wisner, Linda Wolff, Kristina Wright ADVISORY BOARD Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Julian Peskin, MD

Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Heather Rhoades

Lauren Rich Fine

Managing Director at Gries Financial.

Founder and owner, GardeningKnowHow.com and mother of five.

Nancy Hill

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Founder of The Agency Sherpa. Past President and CEO of American Association of Advertising Agencies.

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Chris Seper

Regional General Manager, Digital at The E.W. Scripps Company.

Amy Speidel

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA

What to Expect in Middle School

Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.

10 Surprises for Parents bit.ly/middleschoolchanges

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED

Adjunct Assistant Professor of P sychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University.

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

Your Teen, Vol 11, Issue 1, September-October 2018 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2018 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

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EDITOR’S LETTER What’s for dinner? What’s for dinner? What’s for dinner? What’s for dinner? What’s for dinner? What’s for dinner. A typical day in a house with five kids and a husband. What are we doing this weekend? What are we doing this weekend? You get the pattern. I found the repetition supremely annoying. With each subsequent family member asking the same question, my tone increased in annoyance and aggravation. (Forget the poor soul who asked a second time.) I knew there was a solution. All I needed was an old-fashioned blackboard. Write the daily news on the blackboard once and be done. Kind of like the daily camp schedule or a meeting agenda. Everyone is happier when they know what to expect. I thought about this solution often. And yet I never did it. Sometimes—like with laundry—I did try to fix the chaos. I was drowning in laundry. Even when I managed to get

all the laundry done, there was still the sorting and putting it away. My first attempt at delegating was to pile the clothes on a couch and tell everyone to take their stuff and put it away. That system was a failure for several reasons. Someone occasionally took something that didn’t belong to them—causing an unnecessary blowup. No one took the socks. And the nagging was incessant. So I moved onto another system. Everyone was given a laundry basket for their own dirty clothes. I taught them how to do laundry. And they were completely in charge. This was a great plan. It was much less daunting to have your own little basket to wash and put away. And, if you didn’t take care of it, the mess was in your room, and I didn’t care. Success.

but not knowing quite how to fix it. Or, thinking you know how to fix it—but how to get everyone on board? Back-to-school time is one of those key turning points in the year when we can capitalize on new beginnings and maybe really get things running smoothly this time. Turn to page 32 for our feature on managing the everyday chaos and getting your family out of those pesky ruts. Don’t miss the rest of our great content this issue—everything from the tough stuff, like parenting a teen who selfharms (page 38) to the fun stuff, like the benefits of watching TV as a family (page 28). It’s all part of the wild ride of parenting teens and tweens, and we’re glad to share the journey with you. Enjoy the read!

I’ve tried to implement so many systems. Most didn’t last. But each time, everyone learned something. In that way, even the failures were successes. Most families will recognize the dilemma of knowing something’s not working,

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

Celebrity chef and New York Times bestselling author Devin Alexander has been part of The Biggest Loser TV show since 2006. Her cookbook You Can Have It! offers recipes for nutritious, healthy, and family-friendly comfort food. On page 19, we share her tempting recipe for Waffle Fry BBQ Bites that we bet will be a hit with teens and parents alike.

Joe Sib has spent most of his life entertaining, whether performing with his punk band Wax, cohosting a podcast, running a record label, or doing standup. Behind the scenes, though, he's busy raising two teenagers, ages 14 and 17. We spoke with him about what it's like to go from rejecting authority to becoming the authority. Read our interview with him on page 21.

Psychologist and bestselling author Lisa Damour puts on her parent hat to review the book Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now (page 25). Her daughter, Ellen Keefe gives the teen perspective on this engaging novel. Damour is the author of Untangled, as well as the forthcoming book Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.

YOUR TEEN

Growing up in a tough area of Bridgeport, Connecticut, Keith Carlos saw football as his ticket to a better life. But after making it to the big leagues and playing for the New York Giants, he made a surprising pivot into modeling and acting. We chatted with him to discuss his path to celebrity and what he has learned along the way. Get his unique insights on page 56.

| JULY-AUGUST 2018

BULLETIN BOARD

WE ASKED TEENS...

Tell us about your plans for this school year. I’d like to be more organized next year and more focused on college, but I also want to make sure I spend enough time with friends. Ilana, Atlanta, GA

During my next school year, I would like to try to broaden my horizons and not focus only on schoolwork but also on extracurriculars and volunteering. Adaline, Berrien Springs, MI

This next school year, I really want to fully consume and remember the information that I learn and really put effort into forming good study habits, as well as maintaining them throughout the entire year. Madison, Shaker Heights, OH

I want to grow in both knowledge and kindness to others around me.

Looking to the next school year, I want to begin to challenge myself to reach out to others. It can become easy, especially as a high schooler, to become self-centered and primarily focused on my current stressors. The more I reach out to my classmates, the better my next school year will be.

Grace, Knoxville, TN

Katie, Marysville, OH

Next year, I would like the average school day to be more structured and similar, with special assignments to be more spread out through the school year. This year, it felt like some days were crammed with extra projects and work, and on others we didn't have to do anything. Next year, I will be taking classes that are higher levels than we've ever had the option to take, and I want to keep my grades consistently good.

I'd like to be more mentally prepared, take on more projects, do more good things for my community, and be more true to my beliefs.

Jaden, Alexandria, VA

I'm happy with my grades, I would like to improve as much as possible. Liliana, Brooklyn, NY

The main goal I have for the upcoming school year is to finish writing the first draft of a story I am currently creating and to hopefully start the second draft by the summer. I also wish to try to be better in the social department and talk to more people instead of just staying with the same few people. Tova, Lake Forest Park, WA

I'm switching schools for 8th grade, and I'm hoping for a better learning environment with teachers and students. I want to finish off middle school strong and get involved in my new school. Harry, Boston, MA

Sage, Newark, DE

I want to be more disciplined. I'm a bad procrastinator.

I would like my teachers to quit picking on introverts. Lydia, Battle Creek, MI

Rebecca, Evart, MI

I want to socially insert myself into groups next year because sometimes I hold back, thinking I'm not wanted. Academically, although

I would like to get closer to my teachers this year. Anna, Battle Creek, MI

#ParentHack: Keeping Both Hands Away From Distraction

have three kids who will become drivers in the very near future. I’m terrified to have them behind the wheel of a car generally, but one of the major reasons is because of all the people I see on my daily commute who are texting and driving. I remember when I learned to drive, one of the hardest things to learn to was to coordinate using my feet and hands at the same time. YOUR TEEN

There’s a whole lot to concentrate on already. I don’t want my new drivers to be distracted by texting, reading Twitter at a red light, or playing music. So when we recently bought a new car for our family, I made sure to buy a manual instead of an automatic. My logic was you can’t text and drive if you’re using both of your hands to steer and to shift. Hopefully, it will force my kids to concentrate on

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

driving. Plus, it’s cool to know how to drive a stick, and not many of their friends will. Hopefully this will also keep my kids from letting their friends drive the car. And it’s a skill they’ll have their whole lives. —Anonymous in Connecticut

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

B O O K R E C O M M E N D AT I O N

By the Numbers...

The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It This book packs a lot of information between its covers. Co-authors Warren Farrell (Why Men Are the Way They Are) and John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) provide a wealth of data, analysis, and advice on the areas in which boys and young men are struggling. While much of the information they present isn’t new—for instance, we’ve known for years that boys are falling behind girls in school and are more likely to have ADHD diagnoses—it’s been overshadowed by the equally important issues of girls and young women. The Boy Crisis isn’t a takedown of feminism, but it does point out how boys are harmed by sexism and stereotypes as well. Farrell and Gray also emphasize the importance of involved fathers, especially for boys. They lay out the harsh truth in statistics: boys without actively engaged fathers are more likely to drink, do drugs, drop out of school, and be imprisoned. Fatherlessness among boys has been implicated in everything from mass shootings to ISIS recruitments.

73%

of teens have access to a smartphone.

15% have only a basic phone.

Pew Research Center

38%

of boys in middle school and high school reported using protein supplements. 6% admitted to experimenting with steroids. Strange But True

of teens say they have met a romantic partner online.

Pew Research Center

55%

of youth between 12-18 volunteer.

Likewise, gendered expectations for boys have powerful and painful repercussions. A “purpose void” is caused when boys lack a sense of meaning to their lives while still being held to old-fashioned and outdated ideals of masculinity and manhood.

Corporation for National and Community Service

The crisis of boys is a health crisis for the U.S. and the world, which makes The Boy Crisis a timely and meaningful read for parents, educators, and policymakers.

29%

of Americans prefer autumn over other seasons.

— Kristina Wright

YouGov

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2018

GET THE TOOLS YOUR TEEN NEEDS TO MAKE IT TO COLLEGE GRADUATION DAY

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YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

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STUFF WE LOVE

For Your Teenage Hipster Ooh, where did you get that?

Speidel Pilot Watch

1 Voice Beanie

It’s a hat, it’s earbuds! Enjoy your favorite playlists anytime, anywhere. With no dangling wires, these Bluetooth wireless speakers are perfect for walking, running, skiing or just hanging out. $59, thegrommet.com

This cool, retro aviator-inspired watch will appeal to anyone with an eye for vintage style. It's water resistant, employs smooth quartz movement, and is available with a leather or solid stainless steel band. $109.99, speidel.com

CleanWell’s Natural Hand Sanitizer Foam

Speed Stacker Cups

It’s not just a fun game—it’s an individual and team sport. Develop hand/eye coordination, build reaction time, and have fun doing it. This kit has everything you need to start stacking!  $44.99, speedstacks.com

Clean is cool. These foaming hand sanitizers are natural and botanical-based—and free from harsh chemicals to keep you clean, healthy, and active throughout all your outdoor adventures.  $5.49, cleanwelltoday.com

Little Snowie 2 Ice Shaver Shaved ice is a hot trend. Get your budding entrepreneur started making light, fluffy ice with the fastest, most impressive home ice shaver in the world. Easy and fun to use, too. $199, snowie.com

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

STUFF WE LOVE

She’ll Love This! Got a teen with style? Get these. Mynxx Women’s Shoe Ice Grips Rock your cute shoes even when it’s icy or snowy outside. These rubber ice grippers fit snugly over women’s flat or low-heeled shoes and boots. And they're perfect for stashing in your bag or backpack. $38, mynxxicegrips.com

Heart on Your Wrist Necklace

Give her a necklace she’ll never forget with a message just for her, in your own handwriting. Handmade in sterling silver. $158, heartonyourwrist.com

Sunshine & Glitter Awesome Sauce

This magical lotion will leave your skin looking radiant and you feeling like a rockstar! No PABA or animal testing. $12.95, sunshineglitter.com

Many Ethnicities Hair Products

All-natural products meant for multicultural hair. Shampoo, conditioner, and leave-in conditioning cream to maintain the shape and body of your natural curls. With all-natural and gentle ingredients, it’s perfect for both adults and children. From $20, manyethnicities.com

Hallu Bath & Body

Shower time was never so fun. Choose from the Unicorn, Mermaid, Fairy, or Gnome collections—each with its own unique fragrance for bath bombs, body scrubs, butter bars, lotions, or body mists. From $3.97, halluescape.com

Healthy Stuff Tasty treats they’ll love Smart Flour Pizza Crust

The whole family can enjoy these gluten-free pizza crusts. Clean ingredients such as sorghum, amaranth, and teff give the pizza crusts a delicious taste, classic texture, and nutritional punch.   $4.99-5.99, smartflourfoods.com

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

TahiniBAR Energy Bars

You'll definitely want to try this gluten-free take on the energy bar. The grab-and-go sesame seed snack has only 100 calories. And all varieties are certified OU Kosher and dairy-free. $3.99- $4.49 for a 7-pack box , absolutelygf.com

Tech Stuff That is so cool! Buggy Turbo Fan

This portable handheld fan keeps you cool wherever you are. It has a silicone universal grip that is easy to wrap around wrists, bikes, car handles, backpacks, beach chairs, and more! The fan also has a nifty flashlight feature to keep you safe when taking early-morning or late-night walks. $25, nikiani.com

RHA MA390 Universal Headphones

These noise-isolating, in-ear headphones work with both phones and tablets. They come with a three-button remote that allows you to take calls, use Google assistant, and control your playlists with one click. $29.95 , rha-audio.com

Kwilt Shoebox

Jill-E Smart Tablet Purse

The Kwilt Shoebox is a tiny, yet powerful, device that turns any USB drive into your very own storage cloud. It's perfect for teens who take a ton of pictures and selfies. Currently available on iOS and available soon for Android.   $59, kwiltshoebox.com

Carry all your sundries and charge your tablet or phone in style, all at the same time. This lightweight, leather crossbody also has a padded RFID protection pouch to protect your credit cards, ID and passport. $149.99, jill-e.com

yuxi zheng

Vanderbilt University School of Medicine, Class of 2020 • Medical School Peer Advisor, 2018-present • Ophthalmology Clinical Director, Free Clinic, 2017-present Case Western Reserve University, BS, Biochemistry, 2016 • Educational Services Tutor, 2012-2016 • Volunteer Officer, CASE for Sight, 2012-2016 Peer Mentor, Beachwood High School National Honors Society, 2010-2012

Beachwood High School - CLASS OF 2012

changING the world

Learn more about how Beachwood develops intellectual entrepreneurs with a social conscience by scheduling a tour today.

www.BeachwoodSchools.org

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

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GETTING ORGANIZED

Mission Impossible?

Organizing Your Teen’s Room

How to tame the clutter and make mornings better for everyone. By Nancy Schatz Alton

When Cheryl Newsted helps her son Tyler sort through his cluttered bedroom, she remembers her husband’s favorite saying: Don’t poke the bear. “My husband and I made a pact that we are going to choose our battles,” says Newsted, a mom of three teenagers. Instead of arguing, she shuts Tyler’s bedroom door and reminds him that it is almost Saturday. The Newsteds started “Chore Saturday” when all three of their kids were in elementary school: bedrooms must meet a minimum standard of tidiness before the kids can hang out with their friends.

Tips for Taming the Chaos

Try the Seasonal Purge

• To make a closet more accessible and functional, take off the doors, add drawers, and vary the rod heights to accommodate long and short items.

While the Saturday tidy-ups are helpful, Newsted finds that seasonal purges are also necessary to help tame the chaos in her son’s room. The first step is getting your teenager’s buy-in. Newsted’s teenagers receive a set amount of money to spend on fall and winter clothing; the purge inventory helps with their shopping list. Parenting coach Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW, recommends starting the conversation long before the purge happens. Put major clean-ups on the calendar and ask open-ended questions to help teens come up with solutions. “Examining the room together is how parents and kids can figure out solutions,” says Stephanie Antunez, vice president of California Closets for northern and central Ohio. “Tally what needs to be organized, and then start planning. If you know your teenager has 10 hoodies, you can create space for them. There should be a place for everything.”

Antunez offers these proven tactics for helping your teen get and stay organized: • Relocate the sports gear from the bedroom to the garage. • Place a cleat hook on the back of the door for that wet towel. • Drill grommets into the desk to thread electronics cords through. • Organize items in the closet by color and length to save time. • Use drawer dividers to separate items (like socks from underwear).

• Install a pull-out valet rod in the closet where teens can place tomorrow’s outfit. • Designate the space under the bed for seasonal storage.

Designate a Homework Space

to school.” Make sure there is a designated place for their laptop, keys, and papers to turn in, for example. Antunez also recommends personalizing their space to make it more enticing. “Put shelves above their desk for personal items like pictures and trophies, to make it a space they enjoy,” she says.

Step Out and Close the Door

Once you’ve organized the room together, step back and let it be their space. “When our kids are teens, their rooms become their practice apartments,” says Natkin. “As their landlord, we can set some ground rules, like snack plates need to make it back to the kitchen, or you need to straighten up for ten minutes on weekends.” In fact, Natkin’s daughter no longer participates in the family’s weekly 10-minute room clean-up. “I wish she did, but I need to respect her need for ownership and privacy,” she says. “Between purges, a shut door can help your parent-teen relationship thrive.” In other words, don’t poke the bear. Wait until the next seasonal purge to see what’s behind bedroom door #1. n

Annoyed by your teen’s inability to find and turn in assignments? Resist the urge to help them find missing homework in their room’s clutter. Lost points in the teacher’s grade book may be the incentive they need for creating a functional homework space. The solution, says Antunez, is to “organize the teen’s workspace so that they have access to everything they need to complete their homework and are able to grab what they need in the morning as they run out the door to get

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| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

IN A MINUTE

Photo: Beth Segal

Don’t Post About Me, Mom! You want to connect with friends and family— but your teenager wants online privacy.

s my kids have gotten older, they’ve made multiple requests that I refrain from posting photos or stories about them on social media. I try to honor this as much as possible. But I will admit that I feel conflicted— after all, social media is one of the prime ways I connect with fellow parents, friends, and extended family. Rachel Annunziato, Ph.D., an assistant professor of clinical psychology at Fordham University, counsels parents like me to abide by our children’s requests. However, she recommends beginning a conversation with your teenager so you can understand more specifically how they feel, and

YOUR TEEN

perhaps learn if there are any nuances to their objections. It may be that your teenager would like the courtesy of being asked before each and every posting. Or maybe they just want to set some rules about what you can (and can’t) post. You can ask, for example, if it’s generally okay for you to post a family picture from a recent trip or to write about an awesome accomplishment, suggests Annunziato. “If you reach an impasse, then I do think it's important to respect your teen's wishes, especially once you have a better sense of their reasoning,” says Annunziato.

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

If your teenager wants a flat-out ban, it’s natural that you might feel disappointed—and concerned about the sense of community you’ll lose when you are no longer able to share certain aspects of your parenting life. But perhaps you can think of this as an opportunity to find other ways to connect with friends and family, proposes Annunziato. “I also recommend reframing,” she says. “Yes, there are many who use social media as a forum to share their children, but I think about my online friends, and at least the same amount do not (or do so very sparingly).” —Wendy Wisner

The Scoop on Protein Powders Teens are asking to use protein powders to bulk up or supplement their diets, but are they safe?

f you are the parent of an athletic teen, you may have been asked (or begged!) to purchase protein powder so your teenager can bulk up, or increase muscle mass. You are likely wondering if these supplements (usually mixed into a smoothie) are really needed—or safe.

per day, says Dr. Casares. While highly competitive teen athletes might need more, Dr. Casares recommends that you consult a dietician to determine whether protein powders are necessary, and in what amounts. She warns that excess protein can overwhelm the kidneys and liver.

Most nutritionists agree that protein powders, while generally not harmful, are unnecessary. “Hardly any teens need to use protein powders,” says Dr. Whitney Casares, a Stanford-trained pediatrician and creator of ModernMommyDoc.com. “In most cases, they can get more than enough protein from eating a well-rounded diet of real food.”

Before recommending protein powders for teens, Dr. Jacqueline Winkelmann, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital of Orange County, warns parents that contamination is a risk. “The FDA does not regulate protein powders, and studies have found many contaminants, including heavy metals—lead, arsenic, and other chemicals” in them, she says.

Teens on average need 1 gram of protein per kilogram (kg) of body weight

Colene Stoernell, a registered dietician, suggests contacting compa-

nies directly to find out if they employ third-party testing to ensure safety. What if you are concerned about your teenager’s nutritional intake— for instance, if your teen is a vegetarian or underweight? Under the guidance of a dietician, protein powder may be appropriate in some cases, says Stoernell. But even then, Stoernell says your best bet is to get protein directly from real foods. Beans, lentils, soy products, chickpeas, hemp seeds, and even powdered peanut butter and dried milk powder added to smoothies are superior alternatives to protein powders. —Wendy Wisner

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

MOVE-OUT SKILLS

Where’s the gas tank? Before you pull up to a gas pump, ask your teenager to locate the gas tank cap. This might seem obvious, but they may not know it is not always on the driver’s side. On your vehicle’s dashboard near the gas gauge is a triangle-shaped arrow. The arrow will point to the side of the car where the gas tank is located. (Only one in 10 drivers know about the gas tank indicator arrow, according to AAA). Pull up so the gas pump is on the same side as the gas tank and close enough so that the nozzle will reach your car. How will you pay? Cash or credit? You can use a credit or debit card to pay outside, but cash will require a trip inside to the clerk. Does your teen know they can put in just a few dollars at a time? It’s a good thing to know for those times when they don’t have enough money to fill up the car. Which grade of gas do you want? Explain the difference between premium, midgrade, and regular. And that you probably don’t want to ever go to that diesel pump, which has a differently-shaped nozzle to keep you from accidentally using it. You can likely stick to filling your car with regular gas unless you're driving a vehicle with a high-powered engine (such as a sports car or a large SUV), in which case it'll be better to fill up with either midgrade or premium gas to keep the engine running smoothly.

Learning How to Fill ‘Er Up Learning how to drive also means learning how to gas up the car. This is something every teenager will need to figure out before they get their license. Why not start learning now?

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

Put the gas nozzle into the gas tank. Pull it down slightly until it’s secure. Pull up on the nozzle’s trigger, and lock it into place. It will automatically shut off when the tank is full. Carefully remove the nozzle when the machine stops pumping gas, to avoid spilling. Screw the gas cap back on. It’s easy to forget. But if the gas cap is left off, gas can escape from the system. When this happens, many vehicles run a self-test of the performance system and will detect this leak in the evaporative emissions system. The check engine light will then come on. —Jane Parent

IN THE KITCHEN

WAFFLE FRY BBQ BITES

Serves 4

INGREDIENTS: For the Waffle Fry Bites: 12 (4 ½ oz.) sweet potato waffle fries (preferably natural) 12 tablespoons BBQ Beef, reheated if necessary 1 ½  tablespoons barbecue sauce (look for one that’s relatively low in sugar) For BBQ Beef: 1 cup plus 5 tablespoons whole grain oat flour 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder 1/8 teaspoon onion powder 1 lb. trimmed top round roast or steak, cut into ¾-inch cubes Olive oil spray (propellant-free) 3/4 cup low sodium beef broth  2 tablespoons liquid smoke (preferably natural) 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons barbecue sauce, divided 1 head butter or Boston lettuce

Healthy Comfort Food Teenagers Will Love

DIRECTIONS: 1. In a medium plastic resealable bag, combine the flour, garlic powder, and onion powder. Add the beef, and shake the bag until the beef is evenly coated with the flour mixture.

Celebrity chef and New York Times bestselling

2. Let the beef rest for 15 minutes, unrefrigerated (though not longer, for food safety reasons).

author Devin Alexander has been part of The

3. Preheat a medium nonstick soup pot over medium high heat. When it’s hot, lightly mist the pan with spray; then add the beef. Brown the beef on all sides, about one minute per side, then turn the heat to medium, and add the broth and liquid smoke. When the liquid comes to a boil, reduce the heat to low (the liquid should still be boiling slightly). Cover and cook the beef, stirring occasionally, for 1 to 1½ hours, or until it’s very tender (the pieces should easily fall apart when smashed with a fork).

Biggest Loser family since 2006.  Her cookbook You Can Have It! offers recipes for nutritious, healthy, and family-friendly comfort food. Chef Devin says: “Ideally, you’ll have 12 relatively uniform pieces of fries for this recipe. For

4. Using a slotted spoon, drain the beef of any excess liquid, and transfer it to a medium bowl. Using a fork, separate the pieces so the beef is somewhat shredded, then mix in 1/4 cup of the barbecue sauce.

a serving, measure out 4 ½ ounces of fries, divide the beef proportionally among the fries, and eat one fourth of the fries, beef, and sauce per

5. While the meat is cooking, cook the fries according to package directions.

serving. Want to save even more fat and calo-

6. Transfer the cooked fries, evenly spaced, onto a serving platter in a single layer. Mound the beef evenly among them (about 1 tablespoon on each fry). Drizzle the sauce evenly over them.

ries? Consider making the fries yourself. Try to find a barbecue sauce that has no more than 6–8 grams of sugar per 2-tablespoon serving.”

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

Their minds know world cultures. Their hearts know people. At Gilmour, state-of-the-art resources and travel abroad programs provide students the opportunity to engage with international peers and connect with global issues. On-campus dorms house students from Asia, Europe and Canada, fostering an exchange of ideas and perspectives on today’s most important issues. Our Holy Cross mission prepares students with not only the skills needed to address challenges posed by globalization, but the understanding and compassion to help those affected by them. It’s the advantage of educating the mind and empowering the heart. It’s the advantage of an independent and Catholic school. Call today to schedule a personal tour. 440 | 473 | 8050 gilmour.org/visit

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YOUR TEEN

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IN THE SPOTLIGHT

QA &

Joe Sib has spent most of his life entertaining, whether performing with his punk band Wax, co-hosting a podcast, running a record label, or doing standup. Behind the scenes, though, he's busy raising two teenagers, ages 14 and 17. We spoke with him about what it's like to go from rejecting authority to becoming the authority. Your daughter is nearing the end of high school; have you started talking about college yet? My daughter’s definitely her own person. Be careful what you wish for when you say, “I want an individual that does things the way they want to do it, regardless of anyone around them.” We're not grinding her on the whole college thing. When she was in fifth grade, she decided she wanted to go to Immaculate Heart, an all-girls Catholic school here in Hollywood. We had been having her in a very progressive type of academic atmosphere, right until that point— no desks, no homework, no grades. Right before sixth grade, she said she wanted to go to Immaculate Heart. I was like, “Okay. There’s tests and grades there.” She said, “I know. That’s what I want.” As she’s going through Immaculate Heart, school is definitely a priority, but I’d be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that it’s such a grind. Now she’s getting ready to graduate, and she basically said, “I'm going to apply to the colleges that I want to go to, and if I’m accepted into one of those colleges, then I’ll go tour it.” She’s like, “Why would I go on a college tour of a bunch of schools I might not get into?” How did you feel when your daughter didn't want to go to the school you chose? I’ll tell you right now, it’s so hard for my wife and me. I fought authority my whole entire life, and now I am the authority. I always tell my kids, it’s my first time having teenagers, and your first time being teenagers. I’m learning

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

“ I fought authority my whole entire life, and now I am the authority.” of comedy comes from something that has happened, like a situation like my daughter having a party at the house, or coaching my son’s baseball team. Those types of things where I’ll say something off the cuff, and my wife, or even sometimes the kids, will say, “That’s funny. You should talk about that.”

this gig on the job, as we both do it. I don’t try to claim I know what’s going on. My daughter wanted to go down this path, whereas my son has a different academic path. How does your son's path differ? He started out at one school that was super, super progressive that was great. We discovered early on that he has ADHD. We were lucky enough to find a new school and also deal with the ADHD. Now, in May, he’s one of the kids that’s getting an academic award because of his grades. Three years ago, we were in such uncharted territory with our son, and it felt so never-ending. You start worrying. Is he going to get the education he needs? Sure enough, with the right time, and the right people, and then figuring out how ADHD worked, and now he’s getting this award, which is a full-circle moment. You've spoken about monitoring your daughter's texts and social media activity; what made you decide to do that? It’s no different than learning to swim, or riding a bike, or driving. You need a copilot with you when you're learning those activities, and I feel social media

YOUR TEEN

now is one of those activities. I know there are plenty of parents who are going to read this and be like, “We don’t condone social media, and we're not going to do the phone.” I’ll tell you this right now, if you can make that happen for your son or daughter, I would put your face on a stamp. You should be given awards. There should be a day off in the United States because you kept your kids away from that. For our family, being here in Los Angeles, it’s way more difficult. We have to drive everywhere. There needs to be some sort of communication with your kids, but that’s going to turn into social media. I feel my job is to be a copilot with my child on those particular apps, and on that technology. She knew I was on there. It wasn’t a secret. It’s really great because I learn about the type of kids my children are hanging with. When you do standup and talk about your family, do your kids have any boundaries they don't want you to cross? As they’ve grown up, there’s times where my son or daughter will come to me and they’ll say, “Hey, I’ve got to talk to you about something, and don't make it into a bit.” For the most part, my kind

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

Can you tell us about the podcast you co-host, Rad Parenting? My cohost, Anea, and I started the podcast two years ago. When I started the show, I just wanted it to be a vehicle that would be fun.But once we dove into it, we saw the amount of emails and questions we get, and how it’s driven so much by a community of parents. Basically, they're getting free advice from Anea. What I realized was that we were providing a service. What's something you've learned from doing the podcast with Anea? The biggest thing that I’ve gotten from doing the show the last two years is learning to take a breath whenever you're in a situation with your kids, when they ask a question that you don't have an answer for. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be like, “Let me get back to you on that. Let me give you a real answer.” Also, not beating yourself up as a parent when you blow it. The hardest thing for me was I thought, “I have to be a perfect parent.” That’s impossible. You're going to get upset. You're going to say things you wish you didn’t say. Now I’ve learned that that’s okay. You just start over and repair the rupture. n Interview by Susan Borison

High School Students: Do you... Have an idea? Want to be heard? Want to make a difference?

Join the SAY

Student Leadership Council SAYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Student Leadership Council is for students in grades 9-12 who want to learn leadership skills, meet and work with fellow teens, and help promote positive teen behavior. Students meet 1-2 times each month at Bellefaire JCB and receive community service hours for each meeting and event attended. Contact Nancy Schaumburg at schaumburgn@bellefairejcb.org or visit e-say.org for meeting dates and times.

Campaigns/Initiatives include: Teen Dating Violence I Anti-Bullying I Distracted Driving I Bias Prescription Drug Abuse I Underage Drinking I Human Trafficking

For Information: Nancy Schaumburg, LISW-S SAY Coordinator 216.320.8469 schaumburgn@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org

Chris Ruma-Cullen, LISW-S, CDCA Director of SAY

SAY â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are offered in six east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Orange, Shaker Heights and Solon.

YOUR TEEN

216.320.8203 cullenc@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

Super parents paren Find Yourself

at Cuyahoga County Public Library

Free Homework Tutoring

Experience the Tradition Open House Date:

Sunday, October 7th, 2018 12:00pm to 3:00pm

Placement/Scholarship Exam Dates:

Saturday, October 20th, 2018 9:00am to 12:00pm

Parent info session at 11:00am in cafeteria

Saturday, November 3rd, 2018 9:00am to 12:00pm

Parent info session at 11:00am in cafeteria

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Parent info session at 7:30pm in cafeteria

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YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

BOOK REVIEW

Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now In this fast-paced novel by Dana L. Davis, 16-year-old Tiffany Sly discovers unexpected truths about the mother she lost to cancer, the father she has never met, and herself.

TEEN REVIEW

PARENT REVIEW

From the moment I heard the title, I knew Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now would feature a strong and inspiring female character. Quickly after diving into the book, I discovered that Tiffany was truly an independent character, and so much more. Sixteen-year-old Tiffany Sly is born and raised in Chicago, but after her mother dies of cancer, she is shipped off to live with her controlling and wealthy father, Anthony. Anthony was absent from her life until then, and this worries Tiffany greatly. To add to her stresses, a man named Xavior claims to be her real father. Tiffany bears all of these events while struggling with anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and alopecia. Tiffany Sly is a wonderful character, kind but assertive. Empathetic but strong-willed. Overall, she is just so real. Her beautifully unfiltered opinions on the issues presented in this book, such as racism, colorism, and homophobia, force the reader to think deeply about the topics as well. Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now is jam-packed with captivating themes such as faith, love, and acceptance, and portrays each theme in very authentic ways. The characters are realistically described, each coming with their own set of strengths and weaknesses. The story is hilarious, suspenseful, and heartbreaking, but above all, it is a vividly real story of family and fate. Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now is, in my opinion, a mustread. Through an engaging narrative, very real-life concepts are presented in their true form. I believe anyone who enjoys thinking about both political and personal issues in a deep way will like this book.

Dana L. Davis’ Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now takes off quickly and holds the reader’s interest until the end. The story begins as 16-year-old Tiffany, whose mother has just died of cancer, flies across the country to live with a stranger who may or may not be her father. A second man has come forward to claim Tiffany as his daughter, thus creating a mystery complete with clues, red herrings, and twists.  While the plot skips along, the book’s themes are anything but frivolous. Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now weighs subjects such as mortality and bereavement, stereotyping and discrimination, organized religion and spirituality, and the complex social dynamics of high school. These tricky topics are pitched at a level appropriate to any thoughtful adolescent reader thanks, in part, to Tiffany’s role as an engaging, wry, and candid narrator. Adults should know that the book deals with several sexual topics, including grown-ups having multiple romantic partners in short order, an adolescent girl providing oral sex and regretting having had intercourse, unwanted pregnancy, and abortion. Depending on the age of your teenage reader, you may also want to read the book and use it as a springboard for some key conversations at home. Tiffany Sly Lives Here Now has its shortcomings— a few of its adults have chameleon-like personalities that shift to keep up with the plot—but they do not outweigh the book’s significant strengths. Davis serves up a compelling and buoyant story that takes detours, at moments, into the profound. Dr. Lisa Damour is a psychologist, monthly New York Times columnist, and the best-selling author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood.

Ellen Keefe is a ninth grader at Shaker Heights High School.

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

A PLACE TO THRIVE

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YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

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LOOKING AHEAD

Destination: Confidence To raise a confident teen, try switching from GPS to Siri. By Jen Jones Donatelli

Ever become so reliant on your GPS navigation that you feel utterly lost without it? It’s helpful to keep this metaphor in mind when raising teens: If you always tell them which way to turn, they’ll feel lost without you. Conversely, the more you let them find their own way, the more confident they’ll be. While all teens can benefit from this approach, girls may be the most in need of it. A national survey of nearly 1,400 girls, commissioned by The Confidence Code for Girls authors Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, found that girls’ confidence drops by 30 percent between the ages of 8 and 14. Additionally, three out of four teen girls worry about failing. Amy Lechko, associate dean of student affairs at Ursuline College, is familiar with this trend. She leads a Women’s Circle group on campus, where the conversation topics range from academics to body image to friendships. One contributing factor may be well-intentioned parent interference, says Lechko. Take, for example, the parent who called the college to request a different roommate for their daughter after viewing the prospective roommate’s Facebook page. “We live in a stressful society, with students experiencing a lot of anxiety, so I can understand why parents are more protective and apprehensive,” says Lechko. However, parents who call to argue about a low quiz grade or to solve minor roommate disputes are not doing their kids any favors. “It’s important to let students handle these things on their own,” says

Lechko. “Those are the things that will develop confidence,” when they realize they can handle tricky situations themselves, she says.

Pause the Route Guidance

So, how do we get them there? Courtney Macavinta, CEO and founder of The Respect Institute, suggests parents of teens “switch from being the GPS to being Siri or Google Assistant.” That means only answering questions when asked rather than giving unsolicited advice or guidance. “The key skill to hone as a parent is the ability to listen without fixing or giving advice,” shares Macavinta. “This forces your teen to start mapping out their own plans for small and big decisions.” Macavinta believes that self-confidence is built through “action and experimentation.” Giving teens the chance to try new things—and the freedom to make mistakes—is what gives them the gumption to try again.

Get Out of the Comfort Zone

Malissa Bodmann learned to let go when her 14-year-old daughter wanted to take part in an Australian summer exchange program for rising 10th graders. Though Bodmann and her husband were mostly receptive to the idea, Bodmann says she “had an internal freakout for a month” before her daughter left, worrying about how she would handle the solo flight. In fact, making the trip on her own gave Bodmann’s daughter a huge boost in self-confidence. “She had to navigate layovers, gate changes, and going

through customs without an adult,” shares Bodmann. “Travel forces kids to find their voice because they need to learn to speak up and advocate for themselves if they need something. And it pushed her to take risks and try new things, like sand-dune surfing.” Bodmann says taking her hands off the wheel helped her daughter adjust more easily and made Bodmann rethink her own tendency to over-parent. “She’s already thinking about another trip to a different location next year,” she says. “I know she is developing the confidence she’ll need to take her place in the world.”

Model Behavior

Letting teens find their own way doesn’t mean that parents have to step out of the picture completely. Rather, Ursuline’s Lechko would like to see parents lead by example, rather than leading the way. “As mentors and role models, we need to be cognizant of the messages we’re sending, and demonstrate how to ask for help or self-advocate,” she says. “Young women need to see their mothers and other women modeling the confidence we want them to have.” n

YOUR TEEN

From Your Teen for Ursuline College, providing a supportive environment where students can become their most confident selves. Learn more at ursuline.edu.

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

TECH TALK

TV Time Can Be Family Time As individual screens explode in popularity, gathering around the television gains new meaning as a way for families to bond. By Jaimie Seaton

efore I became a mother, I swore that I would not let my future children watch television, especially when they were young. That lofty idea went out the window when I was home alone with a toddler, who exhausted me by 10 a.m. By the time my daughter was two years old and I was pregnant with her brother, we had developed a routine of going to the park in the morning and returning home for lunch, after which we’d settle on the sofa to watch Arthur, followed by Zoboomafoo, on PBS. But we weren’t just watching; we were engaged. She asked a million questions, and we’d discuss everything that was happening on the screen. These are some of my happiest memories of my daughter’s younger years.

YOUR TEEN

Over the years, my children and I have shared many happy moments in front of the TV: eating in the kitchen and laughing to iCarly, gathering with their father for American Idol, and enjoying the sharp political satire of Stephen Colbert. When my children were 10 and 7, we watched the PBS production of The Diary of Anne Frank in short installments, which gave us the opportunity to discuss each episode and allowed them to learn about World War II from a child’s perspective. Now that my children are teenagers and often holed up in their rooms glued to various screens, television is a way for us to come together, and to continue learning. Watching Black-ish spurs discussion about race in America; during Kids Baking Championship we talk about the importance of kindness.

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

Enjoy the Shared Experience

Despite concerns about screens that date back decades, TV is not inherently bad, says Dr. Eric Rasmussen, author of Media Maze and an assistant professor at Texas Tech University whose research focuses on children and media. “Watching together gives families the opportunity to talk about things, even hard things,” says Rasmussen. Parents shouldn’t pretend that unpleasant topics don’t exist. “Our first reaction is to circle the wagons and prevent them from watching certain media,” but rules alone don’t usually work, because teens regularly share media with each other away from parent supervision. By watching together, we can go from protecting our kids to empower-

ing them, giving them the tools to deal with difficult content. But it pays to be selective about programming. If parents and teens are watching together, it can be tempting to think that any and all content is okay since we’re chaperoning, says Rasmussen. “But there’s a whole bunch of research on co-viewing that shows that when parents and kids watch TV together, it enhances all the effects of that content, for good and bad,” he says. “We can selectively choose TV with good lessons to watch,” he adds. “It can help supplement the lessons and morals we are trying to instill in our kids.”

Choose Something Positive

Dr. Richard Freed, a child and adolescent psychologist and the author of Wired Child: Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age, agrees that watching programming together isn’t enough when it

“glamorizes violence, unhealthy sexuality, or other problem behaviors.” “Media is so powerful, and the people who put together the shows are so good at communicating those messages, that I struggle to believe a parent’s comment can undo that messaging,” Freed says. “It’s not realistic for parents to step up every few minutes to talk about the perils of violent or unhealthy sexual behavior. I much prefer parents finding a show to watch with teens that sends a more positive, or at least not negative, message.” In an ideal world, says Freed, parents and kids would have a movie or show that brings everyone together. In Freed’s family, Elf is the go-to movie for shared laughs. “Much like going to the same restaurant for a birthday, it’s the 15th time you’ve all seen the movie, and it’s a shared family experience,” Freed says.

One Screen at a Time

When families do watch a show or movie together, it’s vital for everyone to leave their phones in another room, and really focus on the experience together. Even if the phone is on silent, if a parent picks it up, it can hurt kids’ feelings and normalize the whole family being on their phones. “A lot of the kids I work with will say, ‘We’ll watch a movie, but my mom’s on her phone,’” says Freed. “We don’t recognize how hurtful this is, as kids feel we’re choosing to do something else rather than be with them.” I have to confess to being one of those moms who was always on my phone, until my kids spoke up and told me how ignored it made them feel. Now, before we head to the TV room, I leave my phone on silent in the kitchen. At first it was hard to disconnect, but I now relish the time to spend with them, completely uninterrupted. n

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YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

FAMILY MATTERS

Do Parenting Rules Need to Make Sense? A few days ago, I took my two younger kids out to run errands and get haircuts. My oldest, who’s almost 15, wanted to stay home. While we were out, he called to let me MOM know some of his friends wanted him to meet them downtown to go bike riding. I told him no; I felt too distracted trying to get everything done so I could get home and get dinner. I didn’t want to have another thing to worry about. Plus, what if something happened—like he got hurt or there was another emergency? I was 10 miles away from home, and I might have been driving or had bad reception. I could easily miss a call or text. I didn’t feel good about it at all. When I’m home, I let him have plenty of freedom to go spend time with his friends—and he always follows the rules and comes home on time. This wasn’t really about me trusting him—but it did cross my mind it might be too tempting for him and his friends to hang out at our house without a parent. The bigger issue was I would be too distracted to spend quality time with my other kids because I’d be constantly checking my phone and worrying about him. I just feel better if I’m home when he’s out with his friends. Katie Bingham-Smith is a mother of three and full-time freelance writer who loves to paint and drink Diet Coke.

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

I asked my mom if I could go hang out with my friends the other day after school, and she said no. TEEN The reason was because she was “out running errands and didn’t feel good about it.” It doesn’t make any sense. I was only asking to go one mile from home and hang out with friends like I always do. I’m always home on time, and just because she’s farther away than usual doesn’t seem like a reason not to let me go. We were doing what we always do. My friends’ parents don’t have to be home for them to come hang out—their parents work outside their home, and my mom is just used to being home all the time because that’s where her office is. I know if she would just let me go hang out with my friends once while she’s not home, she would see everything is fine and feel okay about it. It doesn’t make any sense to me, and I think it’s kind of a dumb reason—I’m almost 15! Addison Smith is a 14-year-old who loves biking, lifting weights, and skateboarding with his friends.

It doesn’t make any sense to me!

I don't want another thing to worry about!

his track record and maturity entitle him to the same trust and independence.

PRO This mom and her son both have valid perspectives. Mom gives her son “plenty of freedom to spend time with his friends,” but this time she wants to avoid worrying and prioritize her other two children. Her son feels like he has been trustworthy with his friends, and since his peers are allowed social time without a parent at home, he believes

Mom wants to prioritize her worry-free space, but she doesn’t acknowledge that kids develop competencies by being given increasing freedom. Furthermore, they comply with rules when they see decisions as fair. Her reasoning “doesn’t make any sense” to him, which can stoke a teen’s fervor to go rogue. Parents risk their children’s trust in them when decisions don’t feel fair or when the child’s feelings and needs aren’t understood. While Mom is entitled to say no to

her son, at the very least, she could reassure him that she hears his need for more freedom and intends to grant him more in the future. After all, when teens are granted opportunities to be responsible with independence, they develop the muscles for selfgovernance—a big part of competence-building.

Laura Kastner, Ph.D., is a clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington and author of Getting To Calm: CoolHeaded strategies for raising tweens + teens and Wise-Minded Parenting: 7 Essentials for Raising Tweens + Teens.

Want to share your story? Email your idea to editor@yourteenmag.com.

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

How to Manage the Everyday Chaos

Tips for getting your teens on board with new routines for the new school year By Kim Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Connell

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

new school year is, in many ways, a clean slate—a chance for teens to try a new activity, work harder at a particular subject, make new friends, or debut a new hairstyle. But, for parents, it’s also a chance to push the “reset” button—an opportunity to take stock of unhelpful family habits, or encourage a new approach to things like screen time, homework, and schedules. Patricia Fuentes Burns pushed “reset” with her three daughters last September. With the girls at different stages of development—ages 14, 11, and 7—it was all too easy for divergent schedules to lead to disorganization, stress, and arguments. “I find my kids are forever asking me what is happening on any given day,” Fuentes Burns says. “It seems to cause a lot of anxiety and confusion when they aren’t sure what’s happening. So, at the start of last year, every Friday I’d put together a sevenday schedule to post on the fridge. It included details about all the events, activities, school deadlines for the family, and my teenager’s babysitting gigs.” The Arlington, Virginia, mom reports that the girls quickly adapted to the new routine of checking the schedule and adding to it as necessary. “I think it made them feel secure and more in control,” Fuentes Burns says, “and it was a good way to gauge if we were getting too busy and needed to build in some downtime.”

Photos by Beth Segal

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

FEATURE

The new school year is a perfect time to do things in a new, fresh way. Fuentes Burns also made other key routine changes, such as implementing a “snack-first” rule after school so that the girls weren’t in and out of the refrigerator all afternoon, and using an app that set time limits on everyone’s devices. “They learned to be intentional about their device use and save up time if they wanted to watch a show, play a game, or video-chat with friends,” she says.

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It can be challenging, however, to get teens to change longestablished routines. If they’re used to unlimited screen time, new limits will feel like a deprivation. If they like to roll out of bed at the last minute, getting up earlier (especially as the winter months approach) might take some getting used to. We talked to some experts who offered advice about how to get teens on

board with a new routine so they can stick with it.

Talk about it first.

It might seem obvious, but it’s essential that you sit down with your teens and talk about why you want to start a new routine or implement a change, says Catherine Peterson, a licensed clinical social worker

and therapist from Alexandria, Virginia. “The new school year is a perfect time for parents to evaluate the family system and find ways to do things in a new, fresh way,” Peterson says, adding that her comments should not replace professional medical, legal, or therapeutic advice. “The first step is to ask questions. If the child expressed a desire for something to be different, be curious about that. Then help brainstorm and problem-solve.” Peterson suggests not waiting until the night before the first day of school to make any changes, but to get the conversation going about three or four weeks in advance, if possible.

Be specific about goals.

Just telling your teen to do something different—whether it’s using electronics less or completing their homework on time—is often too vague to result in lasting change. Teens are much more likely to adopt a new routine if parents give them concrete steps, says Lisa Podell, founder of the New York coaching firm Better Sessions. “Instead of saying, ‘You’re expected to clean your room each morning,’ say, ‘Let’s come up with three tasks you can do in your room to make it look presentable,’” says Podell. This could be, for example, picking up five items off their desk or floor or hanging up any clothing that’s on the closet floor.

Offer some choices.

Being dogmatic with teens can often backfire. Instead, give your teen some choices, says Amy

Give the Family Meeting a Makeover

s kids get older, it’s harder to gather everyone around the dinner table or even in the same room at once. Yet holding regular family meetings can be an essential way to connect with teens and help them adopt positive routines. They key is to make the meetings fun and engaging and give teens opportunities to take the lead, says Tina Feigal, a parenting coach and director of family engagement at Anu Family Services in St. Paul, Minnesota. “At first some teens won’t want to come to the family meeting, but if there are other family members who attend, the teens can hear that it’s fun and pleasant and all about giving them more responsibility and engaging them in the solution,” Feigal says. “You just can’t say, ‘We’re the parents and you’re going to do what we want you to do.’ That causes more strife, and when dealing with the tween and teen years, relationshipbuilding should be first on your agenda.” Feigal suggests several ways families can up their family-meeting game—not all of these will be a fit for every family, but consider these options:

Take turns as the meeting leader.

Empower your kids by allowing them to serve as the meeting leader or moderator, meaning they set the agenda, call on speakers, and the like.

They can delegate someone, even one of the parents, to take minutes. They should also get the chance to decide on snacks or drinks, if that’s going to be part of the meeting, too.

Make it a ceremony.

Whether you light a candle, play a song, recite a particular saying, or do something else, calling your family meeting to order with a sense of ceremony will help your kids understand its importance. Bonus points if you make it feel like something out of their favorite fantasy novel or movie, too.

Use a “talking piece.”

A “talking piece” is a physical emblem or token that indicates that the person holding the piece has the floor, which limits interruptions and gives your kids a feeling of authority. You could decide whether the talking piece goes around in a circle so everyone talks in turn, or just gets passed back and forth as needed. Crafty kids could make and decorate the piece themselves out of a block, stick, stone, or some other household object. “Kids want to be needed,” Feigal says. “Busy families often don’t stop and take a breath and tell the kids that they really matter and they are needed in the family. Family meetings can help you gather the kids back in and let them know that.”

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Morin, a Maine psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. “Ask questions like ‘Would you rather take your shower before bed or in the morning?’ and give your teen the chance to take some responsibility.”

Do it together.

It’s not always possible, but implementing a new routine is much easier when the whole family participates, so there’s reinforcement and accountability. “I do find it’s so much easier to implement new rules and systems if everyone is on board, so I try to do the same thing I’m asking of my kids,” Fuentes Burns says. “For example, because I work from home I tend to snack all the time. But with the new snacking routine, I wait so I can enjoy the moment and food with the girls.” Peterson agrees. “Any behavior that a parent wants to see in a child, they should be modeling themselves,” she says. “Otherwise, the children see the discrepancy immediately and they can become resentful.” Offering a family reward can also help if everyone can stick to the routine for a certain number of weeks, she adds. That incentive might be something like a special hike or an ice cream or movie outing.

Write it down.

It can also be helpful for parents and teens to write down their new goals or routines in some communal area such as a chalkboard or bulletin board in the kitchen, as Fuentes Burns did with her weekly schedule. Some families might

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want to consider drawing up and signing a formal written contract, Peterson says, such as one governing cell phone or internet use. Writing things down also takes the parent’s voice out of the equation. “Set your teen up for success,” says Amy Morin. “If your teen is forgetful, create a checklist of what he needs to pack for school. Then, rather than nag him to pack everything or doing the packing for him, simply ask if he’s gone through his checklist to make sure he has everything.” Podell suggests keeping a written list of the successes that occur as your teen adopts new habits. “Seeing a visual of

your tangible results provides proof as to why you want to engage in the practice,” she says. Be compassionate and understanding if your teen backslides into undesirable habits—or if you do. This just means that it might be time for another family meeting (see sidebar) and more conversation. “Try not to criticize or shame your teen for falling off the train,” Peterson says. “Find some family time so you can stay on the same page and reinforce the infrastructure you’ve created. You can hold yourselves and your kids accountable, but in a gentle, loving way.” n

FEATURE : TEEN SPEAK

My House:

Predictable Chaos

y family is huge. There can be six of us in the house at any given time, along with a guest—a family member or friend—staying with us. With my grandma, mom, dad, brother, sister, and me, our mornings can get hectic. In the summer, coexisting is easier because we all have our own schedules. But when the school year comes around, everyone in the house has somewhere to go, whether it is a job or school. In the morning, my brother and I compete for the bathroom. It takes me 15 minutes to brush my teeth, get dressed, wash my face, and do other things. It takes my brother twice as long. After I am ready, I move into the kitchen, which is the hot spot for all of our activity. Depending on who packed their lunch the night before, there could be anywhere from two to five of us in the kitchen at one time. In the morning, my mom makes her

tea, my sister packs snacks for her lunch, my dad cooks food, and my brother stands around in the kitchen. Eating breakfast is usually the last thing we all do before leaving the house. When everyone is done, my dad is out the door first, around 6:30 a.m. My mom leaves with my brother, who is always scrambling out the door after finding his backpack with his breakfast in his hand, around 7 a.m. My grandma and sister leave around 7:20 a.m., and I start biking to school at 7:35 a.m. The afternoon is a little bit calmer. I get home first around 3 p.m., and I’m able to finish most of my homework before anyone else arrives. My grandma brings my sister home at 5 p.m. and begins to cook dinner. My dad and brother get back at 5:30 p.m., and my mom arrives at 7 p.m. Half of the time, we eat dinner together. When my brother takes too long B:7” on his homework,T:7” I have to do all the household chores— washing dishes, takS:6.5”

ing out the trash, cleaning our pool and bathrooms, and vacuuming and sweeping the floors in our house. My brother takes hour-long showers and wastes a lot of time. I believe our disorganization is a result of his lack of independence, which is something he could work on. We could also all do more things the day before so not all of us have ten different things to do in the morning. Eventually, the chaos becomes predictable and we settle into a pattern. But this year, I would like to be able to have more free time for myself so I can practice my guitar, work on my drawing skills, and do more coding outside of school. Jaden Webb is a tenth-grader from Alexandria, Virginia. He runs track, works at A.A. Rental Station and wants to major in computer science.

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B:4.875”

T:4.875”

S:4.375”

IWitnessBullying.org

CROSSROADS

How to Help When a Teen Self-Harms By Mary Helen Berg “No one knows about me cutting. I’m so scared. I don’t want anyone to know because I know my mom will scream at me and yell at me and I don’t want to make her cry because then I get upset and I cut. I don’t cut too deep but I cut deep enough that there’s blood dripping down my legs.”–from Reddit’s self-harm online forum

This anonymous post from an online forum is disturbing, but it illustrates the intense feelings associated with non-suicidal self-injury. The behavior puts teens at risk for suicide and is being reported at an alarming rate, according to a recent study by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, a division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).ot

Photo: Beth Segal

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TALKING TO YOUR TEEN Hollander and Whitlock offer tips to help parents navigate this complicated topic.

Self-harm “increases the likelihood that you will be suicidal at some point in your lifetime.” Self-injury, which includes cutting, punching, burning, and other practices intended to hurt oneself, is often used to regulate overwhelming emotions, experts say. Up to 25 percent of U.S. teens have experimented with self-harm at least once—more than any other age group. Between 2009 and 2015, emergency room reports of self-harm rose 18.8 percent among 10- to 14-year-old girls and 7.2 percent among girls 15 to 19, the CDC report found. (Boys’ rates of selfharm, which are lower, remained stable over the same period.) The sharp increase in reported selfharm cases could be a measure of teens’ reactions to an increasingly stressful world, says Michael Hollander, Ph.D., the author of Helping Teens Who Cut and the director of training and consultation for 3East, a residential therapy program for adolescents and young adults at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts. Self-injury feels like an effective coping mechanism for some people. However, the practice is a clear indicator, says Hollander, that “your teen isn’t managing something in their lives right now.” While parents should be concerned about the spike in reported cases, it’s unclear whether the number of teens who self-injure is actually rising, or if the stigma surrounding the behavior has decreased and more teens and fam-

ilies are reporting to emergency rooms for help, says Janis Whitlock, director of the Cornell Research Program on SelfInjury and Recovery and the author of the forthcoming Healing Self-Injury: A Compassionate Guide for Parents and Other Loved Ones. But since rates for suicide, anxiety, and depression are all on the rise among teens, “it’s not too much of a stretch to assume that the same is true with nonsuicidal self-injury,” says Whitlock. Most self-injury begins between the ages of 11 and 15 and continues intermittently for five years or so, according to Whitlock. Parents should be aware that media depictions and social media chatter about the behavior can’t cause teens to self-injure, but can trigger or help spread the behavior among vulnerable teens, Whitlock says. Teens who self-injure intend to physically hurt themselves, but typically are trying to relieve negative emotions rather than end their lives. Self-harm, however, “increases the likelihood that you will be suicidal at some point in your lifetime,” Hollander says. “The theory is that you’re kind of behaviorally rehearsing harming yourself, so you’re approximating suicidal behavior.” The bottom line? Parents should take self-harm seriously and get help for their teen. n

YOUR TEEN

Focus on Health Discuss healthy ways to handle strong emotions and use self-harm as one example of an unhealthy method. However, don’t focus on selfharm alone. “Once adults shine a spotlight on any particular thing, it becomes an object of curiosity, so we don’t really want to do that,” Whitlock advises. Be Alert to Signs Self-harm may be a sign of depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, but not every teen with mental illness will self-harm. If your teen frequently dresses in long sleeves during hot weather, avoids bathing suits, or wears multiple wrist bands, they may be trying to hide marks on their body, Whitlock says. Stay Calm If you think your teen is selfinjuring, take an approach that is balanced and nonjudgmental but direct. Screaming: “This is crazy! What the hell’s the matter with you?” won’t get you very far, says Hollander. Instead, Whitlock suggests using gentle, compassionate language. For example: “I love you. I’m here for you no matter what. I want to understand and am capable of understanding what’s happening. I’m not going to be grossed out, and I’m not going to judge you, and I’m not going to punish you. I’m concerned that this might be happening and here’s why.”

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

PERSPECTIVES

The Struggle to Be Myself Dad and daughter share what it means for a teen to feel different—then and now. .

PARENT By William Lucas Walker forward with what I’d just learned about The original myself. No support groups, no internet, “Planet of the no Will & Grace, no Ellen. There was Apes” hit movie only instinct. The instinct to hide. screens 50 years As I moved into high school, I beago. Like every gan to realize there were other boys like other sixth-grade me. In classrooms, hallways, and lockboy in America, I er rooms, we were able to spot one anlined up for tickets other, recognizing the shared look of the day it opened in my town. And like terror lurking behind each other’s eyes. every other sixth-grade boy in America, We knew enough never to speak of it, once the movie was over I found myself our radioactive secret. We rarely became staggering out onto the sidewalk, my friends. Too dangerous. mind blown entirely. We had all wanted the same future Unlike my peers, however, I was not as most of our peers: marriage, children, responding to the famous shocker ending. I security, and the love of our families. But was actually reeling from a scene much earit felt as though our bodies had betrayed lier in the film: the sight of Charlton Heston us, making such a life seem impossible. stripping out of his spacesuit, diving naked I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who into a lagoon, then running around for the burrowed in that dark corner of the library, rest of the movie in a strip of leather the size nervously thumbing through the dicof a Kleenex. I’d never seen a grown tionary in search of its scariest man naked. I liked it. entry: homosexual. I’d gone to the movThe definition was ie expecting apes, not short, clinical, and a sexual awakening. “I was not like damning. As if, like us, Stumbling back into it would have preferred the daylight, three every other not to be found there. things became clear sixth-grade In 1968, its real-world to me: boy in meaning could not 1) I was not like have been more clear: ever y other sixthAmerica.” You are a sin, a mistake, grade boy in America. a crime. Keep quiet. 2) I could never tell Even today I rememanyone why. ber their faces, those boys “like 3)I needed to see this me.” Many never made it past their 20s, movie about a thousand more times. the weight of our shared secret taking It was 1968. I was 12. There were them down by alcoholism, drugs, AIDS, no road maps or paradigms for moving

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or suicide. Others survived by hiding in plain sight, marrying women, and passing for straight. I knew that to save myself, I had to get out of there. So, like Charlton, I boarded a spaceship to the future. It took decades, but I finally landed on a planet I could never have imagined as a teenager. Okay, I didn’t find my husband skinny-dipping in a lagoon. Shocker ending: We found each other at church. For the past 19 years, we’ve built a flourishing life and family together, raising a son and daughter who—so far—appear to be gender-conforming heterosexuals. But that’s their struggle. William Lucas Walker was born and raised in Clinton, South Carolina. He lives with his husband and family in Hollywood. His writing credits include The Huffington Post, as well as the television series Frasier, Roseanne, Will & Grace, and The Chris Isaak Show.

TEEN By Elizabeth Walker-Ziegler My high school experience has been completely different from my dad’s. Growing up in Los Angeles, I have been exposed to all religions, races, sexualities, and economic backgrounds.

dad talked about growing up in South My dad grew up in a small town in South Carolina, coming to terms with his sexuCarolina. Most of my family still lives ality, and his subsequent success as a gay there, so we visit frequently. man and father. I’ve realized that big cities—not I know that definitely would not the whole country—are the actual melthave been how a bullying situation was ing pots of America. Compared to Los handled when my dad was growing Angeles, I’ve observed that small up, and I’m proud to know that towns typically are not reppeople like my cousin are resented by diverse or acmaking their difference cepting populations, but in other parts of the I think that is changing country. with the most recent “Differences are Though it is easigeneration. er and more accepted Throughout something to be to be different in my my childhood and celebrated, not generation, social meadolescence, I have dia has created a new learned that differdisrespected.” obstacle for us. We’ve ences are something come a long way from to be celebrated, not what my dad experienced, disrespected. but my generation has our own I go to an all-girls Catholic social barriers due to cyber-bullying. high school. Catholic schools typicalI’m not dealing with the same issues as ly have the reputation of having conservamy dad did, but social media has in some tive minds and uniforms. For my school, cases become as dangerous as the hallthese stereotypes do not apply. We have ways my dad used to walk. always been referred to as the “progressive It’s difficult for me to be my full, auschool”: We are very focused on social justhentic self online. At school, it is super tice and equality for all, and our morals are easy to be me because I am around all of high—much like our skirt length. my friends and everyone I know. But what My school is made up of all races, I put out on social media is a filtered, more religions, and sexualities. It is extremely refined version of myself. It’s easy to besupportive of students with transitioning come a little self-conscious since I’m litergender identities—so, yes, at an all-girls ally on display for millions to see. school, some of my closest friends are guys. So, there has been both progress and As the daughter of two gay dads, new setbacks for today’s high-schoolers. I expected to be bullied at my school. Social media has some negative effects, but Instead, my friends approached the situI’m still thankful that it created a platform ation with a lot of curiosity and excitethat makes it possible to share what makes ment, which slowly grew into them being each person unique all over the world. And more interested in my parents than me I am proud to be part of a generation that is at times. more celebrating of diversity. One of the major differences I recognize between my parents’ high school Elizabeth Walker-Ziegler is a rising high experiences and mine is how much more school senior in Los Angeles, where she accepting my generation is, not only in plays varsity volleyball. Outside school, she Los Angeles, but also throughout the works as a babysitter, academic tutor, and summer camp counselor-in-training, as well country. as volunteering at the preschool of Alexandria In South Carolina, one of my cousins House, an L.A. residence for homeless women stood up for a gay classmate who was beand their children. In her free time she enjoys ing bullied for his sexuality. Afterwards, eating Takis and watching reality TV. my cousin organized an assembly and invited my dad (his uncle) to speak. My

EXPERT By Galit Breen Times have definitely changed from Bill’s high school years to Elizabeth’s high school years. At first glance, it seems like it’s now easier to be a teenager. After all, as Elizabeth points out, kids with many different identities can now feel a sense of belonging. However, as she also notes, social media presents new challenges for teens wanting to fit in with their peers. The two sides of the social media coin are equally shiny. Our children have access to amazing things online with just a few clicks—support, friendship, resources, and information. Our creatives can show off their photography and wordsmithing. Everyone has a voice online, which absolutely means something to our introverts, our slow-to-warm children, and our activists. But as Elizabeth mentions, two things that teens can experience online are cyberbullying and the relentless pressure to present a perfect life. I call this second one “Greener Grass Perception.” One of the most useful digital skills parents can teach teens is how to focus on what we can control—and what we can control is how much meaning we give to others’ posts and to their reactions to our posts. Fact: When we look at others’ social media feeds, we’re looking at their highlight reels. We’re seeing their shiny moments. The ones they’re choosing to edit, filter, share, and remember. It’s easy for both adults and teens to forget that behind highlight reels there are always—truly, always—bloopers. So on an emotional day or a tired day or a just plain-and-fine gray day, we compare our bloopers to others’ highlights. And from that we take on Greener Grass Perception.

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PERSPECTIVES

This is what’s happening when your child becomes insecure or anxious scrolling through social media. They’re assuming that, based on the curated feeds they’re seeing, others must have have shinier, happier, and fuller lives and they may even be tempted to curate their own feeds in this same way. The good news is that this is amazing fodder for conversations with your child—here’s how to talk to tweens and teens about Greener Grass Perception: 1. Talk to your child openly and honestly about highlights and blooper reels. Share your own “real story behind the perfect picture” examples. Every parent can scroll through their phone and find a perfectly postable smiley photo and know in their heart-of-hearts that the moments before (or after) were everything but sunshine and roses. Share that.

be to see that everyone else has them, too; and others’ perfect feeds won’t loom as large in how much they impact your child.

“Based on curated feeds, [teens] assume others must have shinier, happier lives.”

3. Discuss why people curate their feeds. The reasons are different for everyone, but sharing why you and your teenager have done this will shed light on the positive—lovely memories, pretty photos—and the negative—pressure, insecurity.

4. Once that light is shined, help them move forward. Without disregarding a teen’s feelings, the best way to begin moving forward is to first help them zoom in on what they’re seeing online (steps 1-2 above), and then zoom out on the why of what they’re seeing (step 3 above). Finally, the teen can move forward by detaching themselves— 2. Leave the door open for your child step 3 may show that the online activity to do the exact same thing. that’s bothering them has nothing to do The more aware they are of their own OH_2018_YT_half.qxp_Layout 1 easier 7/26/18 it’ll 11:02 AMwith Page 1 them—and refocusing on something highlights and bloopers, the

else. Noticing and being aware of something is very different than fixating on it. Moving forward from negative experiences online simply means acknowledging that you can’t control what others do— you can only try to understand and then choose how it’s going to impact you. Listening to your child and being vulnerable with them about your own experiences will give them the space to open up and think more critically, freeing them up to use both the internet and their voice the way they were meant to be used. And, speaking from experience, grabbing two spoons and cracking open a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream while you do so certainly won’t hurt.

Galit Breen is the bestselling author of the guide to teaching internet kindness; the TEDx Talk, “Raising a digital kid without having been one”; and the online course Raise Your Digital Kid™. Galit lives in Minnesota with family. Find her at TheseLittleWaves.net.

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DID YOU KNOW?

Should EKG Testing Be Mandatory for All Young Athletes? Amid a community-based push for routine electrocardiogram screening, there’s no medical consensus that it saves lives. By Shannon Shelton Miller

he stories are heartbreaking. A high school or college athlete with no known health conditions collapses and dies during an athletic event or practice, and only then do their parents learn that the teen had a heart condition that put them at risk for sudden cardiac arrest. Each year in the U.S., about 75 athletes between the ages of 13 and 25 die following a cardiac episode. Christiana Jones hopes she’s less likely to be one of those grieving parents. An electrocardiogram (EKG) detected a genetic heart condition in her daughter, Eva, 10, which led to the discovery of the same disorder in her older two children. Because of the diagnosis, the Shaker Heights, Ohio, mother manages their conditions through a daily medication regimen that allows them to continue their participation in competitive sports. “You almost always find out after a tragic event,” Jones said. “Finding out beforehand is such a gift.” Jones now supports mandatory EKG screening for student athletes, a sentiment shared by a growing number of organizations and foundations that offer free or low-cost screenings to young athletes. But medical experts say there’s no consensus that routine EKGs in children and teenagers will reduce the number of deaths caused by sudden cardiac arrest, noting that EKG testing can produce false diagnoses or miss conditions that could lead to a cardiac incident. In 2014, the American Heart Association and American College of Cardiology released a joint statement advising against mass screenings in young peo-

ple, citing a lack of consistent standards across the United States and limited data on the number of lives saved as a result of testing. “Sometimes it is not clear whether the patient is truly at risk with subtle findings, even after extensive evaluation,” said Dr. Timothy Knilans, a pediatric cardiologist and director of clinical cardiac electrophysiology and pacing at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. At the same time, “a normal EKG does not eliminate the risk of a life-threatening event.” In other words, test results don’t always provide clear answers.

When Testing Is Most Important

Knilans says a screening can be beneficial for higher-risk patients, which include those with a family history of sudden death under age 50, passing out with exertion, or cardiac abnormality on a routine physical examination. Those considered low risk who still want to pursue EKG screening should do so “with the knowledge that the likelihood of a significant finding is low,” he said. Jones’ case illustrates both the potential benefits and limitations of widespread EKG screening. Her daughter first told a school nurse last October that she wasn’t feeling well, and the nurse began to suspect a potential heart problem when Eva’s blood pressure remained high all day. Later that day, Eva began experiencing chest pain, and a pediatrician ordered an EKG that flagged an abnormality. Subsequent testing with a cardiologist led to a diagnosis of Long QT syndrome, a heart rhythm abnormality that causes chaotic heartbeats often triggered

by significant physical activity. But EKG screenings of Jones’ oldest two children, Logan, 15, and Hudson, 12, came back normal. Without Eva’s diagnosis, Jones wouldn’t have known to pursue genetic testing, which ultimately detected Long QT syndrome in both boys. “It can be fatal to athletes, and my three children who had it were athletes,” said Jones, who learned through genetic testing that she was a carrier. “Discovering this was a complete, utter fluke.”

Seeking the Safe Side

Like Jones, Julie Walker wants all parents to have access to routine screening. The Central Pennsylvania mother started the Peyton Walker Foundation in honor of her daughter, Peyton, who died in 2013 at age 19 from sudden cardiac arrest due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a genetic heart condition. Walker and her three children all have the disorder, and the children were all on medication to manage the disease, including Peyton. Walker says the foundation has screened more than 1,700 children, and about five percent were flagged for abnormalities that resulted in further testing and the discovery of genetic disorders that affected other members of their families. With that information and a treatment plan, she says they’re less likely to suffer a serious cardiac episode, potentially saving lives. Walker is grateful that she knew about her three children’s heart condition, even if she couldn’t save Peyton. “We thought we had done everything right, but at least we knew,” Walker said. “What about all the other parents who don’t know?” n

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

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ASK THE DOCTOR

to lift their leg or talking about movies or sports. They’re welcome to listen to their own music with headphones if that helps. Some patients may have sensory issues and may not like the feel of cotton rolls in their mouths. So we will offer options other than cotton that feel different in the mouth.

Ask the Orthodontist

Treating Anxious Patients Teens and tweens may not always admit it, but they care about the health and appearance of their teeth. Braces can play a big part in both. But what if going to the orthodontist gives your child a severe case of anxiety? We spoke with Philip D. Bomeli, D.D.S., M.S., of Solon Orthodontics in Solon, Ohio, about treating anxious patients. Why are some kids anxious about going to the orthodontist? Getting braces often comes with feelings of fear about the unknown. Your child has never had treatment before, and they don’t know what to expect. They may have heard scary stories from friends or siblings who may be embellishing their own experiences a little. Sometimes kids take their cues from parents, who may also suffer from their own anxieties. We also have some patients who may be special needs or are on the autism spectrum, and they may have tactile concerns about the feeling of something in their mouth. What are some of the specific anxieties patients have? Usually it’s not knowing what’s going to happen. It may be seeing a sharp or scary-looking instrument on the tray. Some kids are scared of shots. They are always relieved when I assure them that

there are no needles in my office and they will never get a shot from me. It may be noisy equipment, or the fear that something is going to hurt. Some patients are scared that they will gag or vomit when we take teeth impressions because someone else has told them about their own experience. How can you make treatment more comfortable for these patients? We find that walking these patients through every step of the treatment really helps with anxiety. We have brief 30or 60-second animated videos that show them exactly what we’re going to do on that visit. They can touch any instrument on the tray if they’re worried about sharp objects. We have a small handheld mirror at every chair, and some patients really feel reassured if they can hold the mirror and watch what we’re doing, to see exactly what’s happening. My own daughter is currently receiving orthodontic treatment, and some patients are relieved when I tell them she has this same issue with her teeth, and this is exactly the same procedure that I’m doing with her. Are there any other ways you can help patients get over their anxiety? We try to do whatever a patient needs to meet them wherever they are anxiety-wise, and we have a variety of techniques we use. With many anxious kids, being involved in even minor decisionmaking can help them relax. We distract patients, whether it’s by asking them

Should parents inform an orthodontist if their child is anxious? As soon as treatment begins, I can usually assess their level of comfort. When we know that a patient is very apprehensive, we can schedule more time for an appointment to talk through each step and give them the opportunity to take a break if they’re uncomfortable. We may try to schedule a time of day when the office will be quieter and not quite so busy. In addition, we have an open office and encourage parents to come back to the treatment area with their child if that reassures them. What can parents do to help anxious kids? I really encourage parents to have an open mind, even if they didn’t have a great experience with dental or orthodontic care themselves. Kids really take their cues from parents. When parents are encouraging, positive, and optimistic, kids usually have a better outlook as well. n Interview by Jane Parent

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Brought to you by Solon Orthodontics, treating people— not just smiles. Delivering personal care and attention to your comfort and your orthodontic needs since 2008. Learn more at solonorthodontics.com.

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

HEALTHY LIVING

Parenting the Video Game Fanatic When gaming is their favorite thing, should parents steer them toward traditional extracurriculars? By Cheryl Maguire

“It’s time for karate class,” I said to my 13-year-old son. “Do I have to go?” “Yes.” This has been a common exchange between us for a variety of activities over the past 10 years. He has tried everything from baseball to cooking class—yet nothing holds his interest as much as video games. Every now and then I wonder if it is worth investing money and time into classes or sports he doesn’t want to participate in. But if I hold off on signing him up for things,

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he does nothing except play video games until we try something new again. It’s a never-ending cycle.

Are Video Games Healthy?

My son is not an anomaly. According to the Pew Research Center, 72% of teens—and 84% of teen boys—play video games. There is a lot of conflicting information about video game use, so it can be hard for parents to know what to allow. It’s screen time, of course, but vid-

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

eo gaming is often also a social activity played together with friends either in the same room or online. And if it’s a popular pastime among a teen’s peer group, some parents may be inclined to let them play for an unlimited amount of time with their friends. Playing video games can have positive benefits, says Dr. Larry D. Rosen, a professor at California State University and author of The Distracted Mind. Gaming “can offer some skill-building, including reaction time, executive functioning, and strategic thinking,” says Rosen.

Playing video games can be very addictive and create problematic thinking, including desensitization to violence.

He cautions, though, that “playing video games can be very addictive and create problematic thinking, including desensitization to violence.” Rosen recommends that video game play should be limited, since research shows physiological arousal increases when playing—and kids need breaks from that. He suggests limiting gaming for teens to 60-90 minutes at a time, even if parents decide to allow more total time daily. Maria Sanders, a licensed social worker and certified parent coach, also recommends creating clear boundaries with your teen regarding when and how long they are allowed to play. She says an example of boundaries might be letting teens choose to play an hour of video games either before or after completing homework. She encourages parents to learn more about their teen’s interest in video games, and to sit down and play the games with them. “The child will see that you have an interest in what they are doing,” she says, “and you will learn about why they are so attracted to the game.”

Encouraging Other Activities

Teens should live “balanced lives and not live solely in the video game,” says Sanders. But if your teen doesn’t express interest in anything else, it may be difficult to figure out which activity or sport to encourage. Sanders suggests asking your teen about the type of video games they like to play. Then you might be able to figure out an activity that uses similar skills or gameplay—an avid Fortnite player, for example, might enjoy a laser tag league. Parents should avoid simply announcing which activities their teen must do.

Rosen stresses the importance of including the child in the decision-making process. With your child’s input, create a list of the types of activities they could do at home during unstructured times or when they feel bored. Similarly, involving your child in discussions about organized extracurriculars will prevent them from feeling forced into participating in certain activities.

Stay Positive about Video Games Often parents make comments like “video games are a waste of time” or “video games are unhealthy” in an effort to decrease video game use. Rosen says this almost always backfires. Instead, parents could reward the child for responsible behavior. For example, when a child demonstrates that they can stop playing on their own without parent badgering, parents might loosen strict time limits on screen time. Instead of making negative statements about video games, Sanders says, “The best thing a parent can do is guide their child down a path of self-reflection. Asking questions like, I notice you seem pretty tired after playing video games. How are you feeling? will help your child figure out their own beliefs about video game use.” Parent negativity can make a teen feel as if they are being judged and misunderstood. Focus on their strengths while playing a video game—perhaps, for instance, their ability to help a friend get to another level. A parent should notice that ability and point out how it might connect to real-life situations. Next step: Parents can help them get out there and do just that. n

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When to Worry Video game addiction is not yet a disorder recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, but the World Health Organization recently recognized the existence of “gaming disorder” for the first time. Excessive video game play and other types of addictions do show similar patterns, says Rosen. Some signs parents should look for are: • Isolating behavior or ignoring family and friends • Sneaking video game play at night or at friends’ houses • Changes in eating or sleeping patterns • Decline in academic performance or not doing homework • A need to continue playing video games beyond a time limit • An interest only in playing video games, at the expense of other activities • Always thinking about video games If you are concerned about your teen, you can contact a mental health professional to discuss counseling options.

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

UPPER SCHOOL VISIT

Tuesday, September 18 8:30 am Grades 9-12 Gates Mills Campus

LOWER & MIDDLE SCHOOL PARENT VISIT Tuesday, September 25 9:00 am Preschool-Grade 8 Lyndhurst Campus

ALL SCHOOL OPEN HOUSE

Sunday, October 21 RSV toda P 1:00 pm y! Preschool-Grade 12 Lyndhurst & Gates Mills Campus To RSVP and for more information 440.423.2950 (Preschool-Grade 8) 440.423.2955 (Grade 9-12) or visit hawken.edu Gates Mills Campus Grades 9-12 12465 County Line Road Gates Mills, Ohio 44040

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Hawken. Get Ready

to do school differently. The best way to get to know Hawken is to spend time on our campuses. For more campus visit dates go to hawken.edu/admission

Lyndhurst Campus Preschool-Grade 8 5000 Clubside Road Lyndhurst, Ohio 44124

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Birchwood School of Hawken Preschool-Grade 8 4400 West 140th Street Cleveland, Ohio 44135

Coed Preschool-Grade 12 hawken.edu

MIDDLE SCHOOL CORNER

Get it Together! Helping your middle-schooler get— and stay—organized. By Gail O’Connor

When my friend Lisa’s son started middle school, she worried about how he’d keep his binders, assignments, and schedule organized—with good reason. “The first two weeks we were running to the store every night for another folder system he thought would keep his classwork organized, says Lisa. “He definitely struggled with keeping everything together.” In frustration, Lisa even considered calling an organizational consultant for help. How can you help your middleschooler have a smooth start and stay organized all year long? First, you’ll likely need to fine-tune your approach. “As kids become older and crave more independence, they respond less to dictation about how they should keep their things organized, which may have worked just fine in elementary school,” says Vonceil Strobel, coordinator of academic support and a learning specialist at Hawken School in Gates Mills, Ohio. “It helps to approach kids this age more in a spirit of collaboration, as they become more self-aware and independent.” That means having an ongoing conversation about what works and what doesn’t, especially since kids’ organization skills are still evolving. “Executive functions—like planning, paying attention, managing time, and organizing materials—are quite weak in middle-schoolers,” says Katie Davis, a clinical child psychologist in New York City. The brain’s frontal lobe, which controls these high-level skills, doesn’t fully develop until our twenties.

The good news, says Davis: “Organization skills aren’t innate abilities. They can be developed and practiced.”

Keep It Simple

The school supply aisle, with its bevy of colored folders and binders, beckons with so much promise. But there’s no need to go overboard filling the shopping cart. “I find that when families try to be too fancy and have really intricate and complicated organization systems, things fall apart,” says Davis. “The best system is one that’s streamlined and easy to stick to.” A good first step is a planner. “It can be paper or digital and is something that students can view each evening to help prioritize their work,” says Strobel. Your student may not want you looking over what’s in it, but you can help scaffold their planning skills by sharing the family calendar with them. That way they’ll know what commitments they have, whether that may be a birthday dinner at Grandma’s or family tickets to a basketball game.

For others, one accordion folder with a homework section for each subject may work better. When it comes to project management, parents must learn the art of the gentle nudge. “Encourage them to start something the day a long-term assignment is given,” says Strobel. “Then plan backwards from the due date so they don’t run into a time wall.” It also helps to model good habits at home by cleaning out your own basket or folder of paperwork at the beginning or end of each week. Then suggest that your teen do the same with their backpack and locker.

Digital Solutions

Our kids live in an age where most of what they need is online, including assignments and grades. Your student might consider using a separate Google Drive for all their schoolwork. Auto-saving platforms like Google Docs make it far less likely your student will lose their work. n

Be Flexible

Middle-schoolers seem to have a special talent for misplacing their assignments— even the ones they’ve completed. While you may have organizing strategies you swear by, what works for you may misfire with your student. “Use a flexible approach, like ‘What could you do that might work better for you?’” advises Strobel. Some students might prefer a separate folder per subject.

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From Your Teen for Hawken School, an independent school serving boys and girls in Preschool through Grade 12. Get ready to do school differently! Learn more at hawken.edu.

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

TWEEN TALK

Help Your Daughter Sidestep a Confidence Slump 4 Ways to Support Your Tween By Phyllis L. Fagell

lara, a 5th grader, twisted a Rubik’s Cube in my counseling office. “It’s not fair,” she said. “I never get to play basketball at recess. The boys won’t pass the ball to me. Today, Dylan said it’s because I suck and he doesn’t want to lose. I called him a jerk and walked away.” “If you had told him how you really felt, what would you have said?” I asked. Clara paused. “I would have said that I’m really good at basketball, because it’s true,” she said. “I would have told him that if he wants to win, he should pass the ball to me. And if he doesn’t want me around, he can play something else.” She might have had an easier time asserting herself when she was younger. As girls get closer to adolescence, their confidence takes a hit. Research backs this up. Claire Shipman, author of The Confidence Code for Girls, notes that boys and girls tend to start out with the same confidence level, but “after age 8, girls go straight down,” dropping 30 percent between ages 8 and 14. “Boys experience a bit of bumpiness in puberty, but girls drop well below them and never get back up to the confidence level of men,” she explains.

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“You can’t go to pieces when she fails. You have to convey this is a normal part of life.”

The tween phase poses unique challenges, but it also presents an opportunity. Some kids are still playing make-believe while others are listing their crushes. Although tweens are becoming more aware of their strengths and weaknesses, they’re not yet as hindered by the idea of an invisible audience judging them. “I don’t want to generalize an age group completely, but on balance they’re less self-conscious than adolescents,” says Rachel Simmons, author of Enough As She Is. “There’s more playfulness and more risk-taking, which are great ingredients for creating confidence.” Here are four ways you can capitalize on those strengths to counteract the confidence slump.

“me” to “we”—when she feels like she’s part of something bigger—can also put personal worries in perspective and give her a sense of purpose. Think beyond traditional notions of confidence too, Simmons says: “Your child can be confident when she has to walk into a room where she doesn’t know anybody, or when she’s doing a science project, or when she’s expressing her inner dork.” A girl who’s willing to be silly around her friends is confident because she’s not worrying about what others think. It’s not the big bungee-jumping moments, it’s the day-to-day challenges, Simmons notes. “Confidence-building is like weight-lifting. You start light and gradually increase your challenge.”

1. Encourage small risks and expand your notion of confidence.

2. Be a role model.

Make space for risk-taking, struggle, and failure. Shipman recently prodded her 12-year-old daughter to try debate. “She’s athletic, and sports are more in her comfort zone, but I thought it would be useful for her to stretch,” she explains. “There were times when she said, ‘I’m never going to forgive you; this is the worst thing ever.’ I thought she’d pass out during the first debate, but the second debate went all right. By the third round, it was, ‘I’m not bad at this; I can do this.’” Some tween girls are more motivated to take risks if they’re advocating for a cause, whether it’s animal rights or gun control. A shift in emphasis from

Verbalize when you’re taking on a challenge with an uncertain outcome. “Narrate your thought process in a way that models calm and self-compassion rather than self-criticism,” Simmons explains. Say, “I had to present something in a meeting today, and I was nervous and sweating. I took a deep breath and told myself I’d do my best, and it went pretty well.”

3. Teach her to express vulnerability, but know when she needs limits.

Encourage your daughter to take emotional risks and build friendships based on honest communication. “Help her understand how powerful it is to

express how you’re feeling in a way that’s vulnerable and not aggressive,” Shipman says. Similarly, Simmons advises parents to teach their daughters how to manage painful moments, such as not getting invited to a party. Social media can amplify disappointments. “She won’t magically be the unicorn who doesn’t feel left out,” Simmons says. If your daughter knows she hasn’t been invited to a sleepover, talk to her about her options. “She could put her phone away for chunks of time, or turn off Snapchat or Instagram for the weekend,” Shipman says. Parents can’t make social media go away, but they can set limits to try to inoculate tweens from a constant focus on who’s doing what.

4. Arm her with mantras and other strategies.

Your daughter can be her own coach, Shipman says. “She can come up with boosterisms, such as ‘I’ve got this.’” Or she can use visual imagery to picture achieving her goal. “The most important thing as a parent is that you can’t go to pieces when she fails,” she adds. “You have to convey this is a normal part of life and help her change the channel. Don’t go into analysis when she’s in the throes of it.” When you process the setback, underscore that confidence is about more than taking on a challenge—it’s also how you regroup when things don’t go your way. n

YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

G O FA R .

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COLLEGE CORNER

Ways to Beat the Junior Year Crunch How to make the best of this challenging year. By Linda Wolff

Junior year: Two words that can strike fear in the hearts of high school students and their parents. Yes, junior year is serious business from a college-prep standpoint. This is the time for your teen to take stock of their grades, class schedule, extracurriculars, and test scores. But is it really as bad as legend would have it? It doesn’t have to be if you do a little advance planning with your teen.

1. Be Ready for Rigor.

One of the best ways to prepare for the pressures of junior year is to start planning at the beginning of freshman year. The start of high school is a good time to begin thinking about grades and an appropriately challenging curriculum. Colleges like to see students continue to challenge themselves each year. “Students should pay attention to their GPA throughout high school, not just during junior year,” advises Andrea Spoon, director of admissions at Bowling Green State University. Junior year is also a time to start taking the ACT or SAT. Be sure to make note of test dates as they are limited, and students may want to take the tests more than once, says Spoon. “This allows time to get testing help if they are unhappy with their scores or want to improve their chance of a scholarship.”

2. Take Missteps in Stride.

Many students begin piling on honors and/or Advanced Placement classes in their sophomore and junior years. Some students will be fine juggling the load,

while others may struggle. Not to worry, says Spoon. “It can be discouraging for students, but in many cases, a less-than-stellar junior year won’t affect getting admitted to college, though it might impact scholarship offers,” she says. Keep in mind that grades and test scores are not the only criteria schools use to judge an applicant. Other activities—like sports, clubs, meaningful volunteering, and teacher recommendations—are also factors.

3. Reduce the Squeeze.

Other ways to avoid feeling the junior year crush? “Take online courses during the summer, or take classes at a local community college,” says Cyndy McDonald, a college counselor/instructor with GuidedPath.com. “The classes often count as college credit. Having an open period in your day (if your school allows it) will make a big difference to you during the school year.” Rather than piling on new activities, says McDonald, students should concentrate on the ones they’re already involved in. “This is the year to move your level of involvement up a notch to be a leader in a club, sport, community organization, or in the classroom.”

to take a college tour.” Plan to use holiday breaks or summer vacation time to explore schools and learn what your teen likes and doesn’t like. “Don’t be afraid to ask the admissions personnel for a personalized visit to really get to know a school,” she says. If you’re not able to visit the school in person, don’t fret. Many offer great virtual tours online.

5. Just Love Them.

What can parents do? “My approach was to just be supportive,” says Lisa Kendall Packer, whose daughter Kelly just completed her junior year. “I encouraged her to get enough sleep and eat healthy meals. I listened when she needed to vent and never got after her about her grades. She already knew the stakes were high; she didn’t need me reminding her of that.” Junior year can be the best of times and the worst of times, all rolled into one year. Remember, this too shall pass— and with a little preparation, junior year doesn’t have to be the pits. n

4. Plan Ahead for Campus Visits.

With so much going on, it can feel stressful fitting in college tours during the school year. But Sarah Zachrich, assistant director of admissions for BGSU, says, “Don’t wait until your senior year

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From Your Teen for Bowling Green State University, which offers tours and visit opportunities for students of all grade levels, in particular junior and senior year. Learn more at visit.bgsu.edu.

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

THIS IS MY. . .

feeling good about the future

COLLEGE SAVINGS PLAN No matter the age of your child, Ohio’s 529 Plan — CollegeAdvantage — is how forward-thinking parents make college doable. Use our online tools and calculators to build the 529 plan that suits your family’s needs. Start your taxadvantaged college savings plan today at CollegeAdvantage.com/YourTeen

CollegeAdvantage is a 529 college savings plan offered and administered by the Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, a state agency. To learn more about CollegeAdvantage, its investments, risks, costs, and other important information, read the Plan’s Offering Statement and Participation Agreement available at CollegeAdvantage.com. If you are not an Ohio resident or taxpayer, learn if your home state offers state tax or other benefits for investing in its own 529 plan.

YOUR TEEN

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

SAVING FOR COLLEGE

Middle School: College Savings Check-Up Time Now is the time to start talking with your teen about saving for college. By Diana Simeon

ollege can seem far off when your teen is in middle school. But consider this: in just five to seven years, you’ll be writing a check for the first semester of freshman year. Will you be ready? If you’re not sure, now’s an excellent time to review your savings plan. Haven’t started saving yet? It’s not too late. Here’s what the experts recommend for your college savings check-up.

1. Set a Monthly Goal.

The big question: How much should you save? It depends, says Tim Gorrell, executive director of the Ohio Tuition Trust Authority. Start by establishing a goal. Are you saving for an in-state public university? A private college? Or perhaps a community college or trade school? What will those different kinds of institutions cost you? And how much of those costs are you willing—and able—to cover? You’ll need to answer these questions to come up with a monthly savings goal. “Some parents decide they’ll save up for the cost of an in-state public university, while others may really want to attend a private school,” says Gorrell. “Setting goals helps you focus on how to tailor your savings. You can always change your goal later on.” Online college savings calculators can help. For example, the calculator at Savingforcollege.com uses your annual income to provide an estimate of your costs at four different kinds of institutions (after financial aid). You can then see how much you’ll have to save each month to cover those costs. You don’t need to save 100 percent of your costs before college starts. Most families pay for their share of college costs with a combination of sav-

ings, current income, and loans. Still, an important goal is to keep debt as low as possible. “For every $10,000 borrowed, you should expect a monthly payment of about $100-$125,” explains Gorrell. “You want your student to graduate from college and enter a career in which they can thrive, without having to worry about paying back hundreds of dollars a month in loans.”

2. Start (Or Step Up) Your Savings.

Once you have a monthly goal, then it’s time to start saving—or bring your current savings into line. An easy and effective way to save is a 529 college savings account. You can think of a 529 like an IRA, but for college. Contributions to these accounts grow tax-free. Withdrawals are also taxfree, so long as the money is used for a qualified education expense, such as tuition, room and board, books, supplies, and even computer equipment. What’s more, if you invest in your own state’s 529 plan, you may save on your state income tax. “In Ohio, residents can deduct up to $4,000 per beneficiary per year,” explains Gorrell. Most 529s allow account holders to set up monthly withdrawals from their checking account. This automates the savings process and makes it more likely you’ll stick with your goals. Above all, say the experts, don’t beat yourself up if you’ve yet to start saving for college or haven’t saved enough. “Families that put off saving for their child’s college education until the child is in middle school are more common than you would think,” says Mark C. McKaig, a partner with Centurion Wealth Management in McLean, Virginia. “It’s

not as if these families wake up one day and say, ‘Holy cow, we better start saving for college.’ On the contrary, most families realize the need to begin saving early; it’s just that for many reasons they never got around to implementing a savings plan.”

3. Talk with Your Teen Early and Often.

Now’s also an important time to start talking to your student about the costs of college, including what your family will likely be able to afford. “If you start having that conversation in middle school and continue through high school, it’s much easier to manage expectations when it comes time to apply to college,” says Gorrell. Families that don’t talk honestly about college affordability run the risk of their student applying to—and falling in love with—a school that’s out of reach. “A lot of parents have a hard time saying, ‘We can’t afford that school,’” says Gorrell. “But if you’ve been having these conversations all along, your kid is more likely to have realistic expectations.” n

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From Your Teen for Ohio Tuition Trust Authority, administrator of Ohio’s 529 Plan, CollegeAdvantage. Helping families save for college for more than 27 years. Learn more at collegeadvantage.com.

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

HOT TOPICS

Interview with

Keith Carlos After making it to the NFL and playing for the New York Giants, Keith Carlos made a unique pivot into modeling and acting. Growing up in a tough area of Bridgeport, Connecticut, Carlos realized football was a ticket to a better life, but once he attained that freedom, he was able to focus on finding something he truly enjoyed doing. We sat down with Carlos to discuss his path to celebrity and what he learned along the way. What was it like growing up in Bridgeport? People hear Connecticut and they think white picket fences and tee-ball games. Bridgeport is the ninth most dangerous city in the United States, according to CNN. I grew up in that environment where all the people I looked up to— uncles, cousins—were in and out of jail. My father passed away. I was doing things in the streets that were really bad. I got kicked out of school. I was in a treacherous situation. My older peers who knew I was a really good athlete didn’t want me to do what they were doing in the streets, but I wanted to do what they were doing because it seemed cool at the time. My friend was murdered, and that sparked something in me—hearing my mom cry, saying she didn’t want me to end up like him. That helped me to get everything in

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line. If I wanted to make her situation easier, if I wanted to make my life easier, I would have to straighten up in school, and really make it in football to get an opportunity to make it out.

What made you decide to leave the NFL? I remember in third grade when the teacher asked me what I wanted to do, I said I wanted to play in the NFL. I always was a standout on every team I was on, from flag football to high school and college. But by the time I got to college, I was burned out, mentally. I disliked football, but I did it because I knew that was my way out, to get an education. I got out of my environment, but I realized I still had family, and I was dealing with their problems and dealing with my own problems. I was exhausted from football

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

with the politics, but I stayed with it. I felt like I owed it to my family and myself to keep at it. I don’t have anyone to pay for college, so I had to do it. In the NFL, if you get injured, they cut you and bring on other people. I got injured, and I recovered from it, but I got the opportunity to go on America’s Next Top Model, and that worked out for the best. I never looked back. It’s a whole other struggle trying to make it in the NFL.

Is it tough being on a reality TV show like America's Next Top Model? Yes, depending on what personality you have. I’m kind of numb to a lot of things because of the way I was brought up, and football. We get critiqued hard in football, cussed out, kicked, whatever. When it comes to modelling, and someone tells you you're this and that, it rolls

off me. I have thick skin. A lot of the other contestants who weren’t raised like that, or weren’t in sports, they take it a whole different way, and it breaks them down. Mentally, some of them don't recover from it. The modeling industry as a whole is a hard industry for people who are not like me because you're constantly critiqued. Even me, I’m insecure now. I find myself thinking about things because they constantly tell you you're too fat, too skinny, you have too many tattoos, you're too black, too white. There’s always something. You have to have tough skin.

If you could tell your teenage self one thing, what would it be? I would tell myself to educate myself about credit, and no more tattoos. A lot of people that grow up in situations like I did, urban America, we're not educated on how important good credit is. It

really sets you up for life. A lot of us have bills because our parents are illiterate to it, so they put little bills in our name, and don't pay it, and it’ll mess our credit up down the road. If I was speaking to my younger self, I would educate myself on that. I would also have less tattoos, body art. Everything else, I really wouldn’t change because I feel like it made me who I am.

As a new father to a six-monthold son, how do you plan on instilling that same grit in him, despite the fact that he is growing up in a very different world? I always wanted someone like myself that I could look at and try to be like him, to learn something. I didn’t know if I touched the stove it would burn my hand. With my son having me, I feel like he’ll be able to look at me and my accomplishments, and that’ll inspire him.

I’ll just impart everything that I have learned up to this point that I wish I had known back then. Now that I have a name, and I have connections, I’ll be able to set him up, but also make him earn it at the same time. n Interview by Susan Borison

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| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 11/22/17 2018

10:42 AM

SMALL STUFF

When Parents Can’t Do Anything Right Why your teenager is so critical—and what you can do about it By Amy Paturel

When Randy B. of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, was leaving the house for an important work meeting, her 16-year-old daughter said, “You’re going to a meeting? You look like you’re going to yoga!” Then, when she started freelancing from home (where yoga pants were more acceptable), her 14-year-old son said she should have kept the full-time job she detested because the family would have more money. Unfortunately, such criticism is commonplace among teens—and experts say experimenting with rude behavior is a sort of rite of passage for teenagers. But navigating it without losing your sanity can be a challenge. “Part of growing up is both creating a sense of identity that’s immersed with others, and also differentiating ourselves from others,” says Michael Ungar, Ph.D., Canada Research Chair in Child, Family, and Community Resilience at Dalhousie University. This developing sense of self means that as kids en-

YOUR TEEN

ter their tween years, they begin to think more critically. The adolescent mind is designed to apply this critical thinking to primary role models, and to essentially knock parents off their pedestals. But just because critical, and even disrespectful, behavior is normal, it doesn’t mean it should go unchecked or unpunished. Use these six strategies to deal with unwanted critiques—and coax more kindness out of your tween or teen: Don’t take it personally. In nearly every case, unrelenting criticism from your teenager isn’t about you. It’s about your teenager’s need to become independent and push the limits, says Ungar. The developing teenage brain makes it difficult for kids to manage their changing emotions and control their impulses and responses. Ask for their guidance. If your daughter criticizes your clothes or makeup, consider asking her to go shop-

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ping with you or to show you a new way to apply your makeup. And if your son complains that you make soggy vegetables, ask him to cook for the family or to show you a new way to prepare veggies. Offering teens a voice may ease their urge to express their growing independence in rude ways.

Let the small stuff slide. Critiques and impolite behaviors may push your buttons, but they don’t necessarily require a response. “Often, the best thing you can do is ignore the small stuff,” says Katherine Lewis, certified parent educator and author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. Stay calm and keep any communication short and sharp. Something like, “Let’s discuss this when we’re both feeling calmer.” Then, exit the room. “Otherwise, you run the risk of your kids not responding when you really do have to discipline them,” says Lewis.

18265 mercial URED

Establish boundaries. While it makes sense not to engage with a kidâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rudeness, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also important to teach teens how to express themselves appropriately. Decide, in advance, which behaviors require action and which are better left unrecognized. For example, you can choose to ignore minor critiques but refuse to let cursing or name-calling slide.Â Â Â Just make sure your child knows which behaviors are unacceptableâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and then come up with reasonable consequences that fit the crime. â&#x20AC;&#x153;So instead of taking away your kidâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gaming system, decide not to prepare his dinner or buy his favorite ice cream,â&#x20AC;? says Ungar. You can say something along the lines of, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am not going to be of service to someone who treats me unkindly.â&#x20AC;?Â Â Â Model respect.Â Parents have plenty of opportunities to model respectful behaviorâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;especially when they disagree with someone or feel theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been treated poorly. If you scoff at the way your teen dresses or what they do with their free time, your kid is likely to respond

in kind. Similarly, if you yell, scream, and try to demand respect, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re opening yourself up for a power struggle. So, when your teen says somethingÂ hurtful or disrespectful,Â instead of saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re rude!â&#x20AC;? try something like, â&#x20AC;&#x153;It hurts my feelings when you ________.â&#x20AC;? Or, just say â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ouch,â&#x20AC;? and leave the room.Â Â Notice good behavior. Instead of constantly calling out your kids for disrespectful behavior, compliment them when they show respect. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s important to appreciate kids for good behavior. And when theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re having a bad day, view it as an opportunity for both of you to get more practice.Â Â Â Most important, recognize that, as with all things, most disrespectful behavior among teens is a phase. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Adolescence is your last chance to forge this relationship with your children that they will remember into early adulthood,â&#x20AC;? says Lewis. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If you want them to see you as an ally, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;tÂ let them push you away, and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be a pushover. Kids see limits as love as long as theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re reasonable.â&#x20AC;?Â Â n

What if theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right?Â Ugh, Mom, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so wasteful! You should use the reusable bags and not all that plastic.Â Dad, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re always messing with your phone when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re driving. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re such a hypocrite!Â Â Teens often have a strong sense of justice and idealismâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and you may find those qualities directed at you.Â Â If you bristle when your teen makes a fair criticism, try acknowledging the truth buried in the critiqueâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;while at the same time setting limits and coaching your teenager on their delivery.Â Try this, for example:Â Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, I shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be on my phone. I appreciate you reminding me, but you may not call me names. I just feel angry and attacked when you do that. Next time you disagree with me, can you please be respectful and kind about it?

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YOUR TEEN

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2018

SNAPSHOT

Making Space for the Joy of Reading By David Rockower

When my kids were born, I was determined to make reading a priority. We bought books of all sorts: nonfiction, fantasy, rhyming books, and poetry. I savored the moments when, as toddlers, they pointed—googly-eyed and drooling—to their favorite illustrations and smiled. They were befriending characters, rejoicing in the recognition of familiar faces. I didn’t need quantitative research to tell me they were learning, growing, thinking. From kindergarten through fourth grade, we read aloud as a family each night. I still have the list of books we completed together: Charlotte’s Web, Harry Potter, all the books by Roald Dahl and Kate DiCamillo. But as they headed toward middle school, our reading lives changed. While my 12-year-old daughter, Maddie, reads regularly, my 14-year-old son, Nathan, only reads if it’s required for school—or, on the rare occasion when I’ve found him a “perfect” book. As an English teacher, I know some students are everyday readers and others are not. I realize that each of us finds our reading path at different points in our lives. But, because I’m now a reader—I was a sporadic reader as a kid—and I model it consistently, I expected both of my children to follow suit. It hasn’t worked out that way. I found myself fighting (and failing) to help my son become a reader. My own mother hated the television and referred to it as the idiot box. She did her best to encourage reading over viewing. Maybe

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I could blame Nathan's disinterest on the idiot box—as all parents know, these now come in every shape and size. But it was more than that, and I started to realize that my insistence on his reading had become counterproductive. By instituting forced reading times and badgering him to pick up a book, I was essentially making reading—which should be one of life’s great joys—a chore. I realized I needed to back off and let him rediscover the art of reading for pleasure. But how? My son is a sports addict, so I tried a subscription to Sports Illustrated for Kids—but each issue was given a cursory glance and set aside. Recently, as I was reading an article online about our hometown team’s chances of being selected in the NCAA Men’s basketball tournament, I forwarded it to him. To my surprise, he read it in its entirety, and we had a long talk about why he disagreed with the author’s analysis. Later that week, he emailed me a link to another article with a different perspective on the same topic. Since then, we’ve been sharing articles with one another. He wasn’t reading novels, but he was reading. Excited about this new discovery, I looked through my own collection and found For the Love of the Game by Michael Jordan. I resisted shoving it into Nathan’s hands, telling him he’d love it. Instead, I left it on his nightstand with a note: This guy was my favorite athlete when I was your age.

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The next night, as I was headed to bed, I noticed that his light was still on. “Dad, this book is awesome,” he called to me. “Read this page.” A door had been opened. I took advantage and have been leaving other sports-related nonfiction titles on his nightstand; some he abandons, some he reads. And that’s okay. He’s reading more often now—maybe not what, or as much as, I’d like—but that’s my problem, not his. I’d like him to rediscover the joy of reading, but I now realize I can’t force it. That joy was there when he was a toddler, when he was smiling with Goodnight Moon and giggling with Frog and Toad. During those years, there was no pressure from me; I did not take away his toys and replace them with books. I simply put the books by his side, on the floor next to his bulldozers and matchbox cars, and sometimes, he chose a book over a toy. So, now, as he ventures through his teenage years, I will not take away his devices, schedule reading time, or badger him to pick up a book; rather, I will give him plenty of invitations. Some of these may be handwritten, others might be verbal, but many will be unspoken. I’ll leave it to the stories—the magic inside the pages—to do the convincing. n David Rockower is a teacher and freelance writer. He has published articles in The Washington Post and Education Week, and is a regular columnist for State College Magazine. With a sports-obsessed 14-yearold son, a spirited 12-year-old daughter, and a goldendoodle who looks like a Muppet, he has a lot to write about.

THE LAST WORD

It’s Summer. Why Am I Sad?? By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

I should be happy. Strike that: I should be ecstatic! I am in my season. As I write this in July, summer is here: No early morning kid wake-ups, no crazy late nights filled with homework. The pool is open and it is hot out. Evening lap swims that I’ve longed for all year are finally here. In Northeast Ohio, as our former beloved LeBron James said: Nothing is given. Everything is earned. We earn our summers. But when the (stupid) calendar says July 1, I get that sick feeling that it’s the beginning of the end. I wonder what’s wrong with me as I am overcome with sadness. I have three theories behind my melancholy: Theory #1: It’s my mother’s fault. When we were young, my parents scraped together whatever they had to take us on a family vacation. We were excited to go anywhere—the location didn’t matter. Without fail, on the second day of vacation, my mom started talking about the trip home. I don’t think it was intentional, but she would say something like: “So, I was thinking that on the day we leave...”

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Or:

can’t get away from it.

“I wonder how the traffic will be on the way home?”

There is no escape, so I must create one.

Or, this doozie: “Only __ days left.” Kill. Joy. Fast forward about 40 years, and while my “affliction” isn’t as acute, my head goes there, too. (Thanks, Mom.) Theory #2: It’s the mall’s fault. I enter the mall and I am instantly appalled. Apparently, retailers see July 5 as the official start of fall: Back-toschool clothing adorns the mannequins, boots are on full display. No boots for this girl. As the last firecracker is launched on July 4, I envision the retailers (two full months before Labor Day) looking innocently at each other, but a bit smug, too: “We got ‘em again!” with a loud high-five. Theory #3: It’s my job’s fault. As I write this piece, I realize this is for our Back-to-School issue—the very thing I am complaining about. I live in a business that is driven by deadlines— rolling the editorial calendar forward, planning for next year, talking to clients about the next school year already. I

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For starters, I am getting rid of August. I am going to call it July Part II. In my head, we are in the full swing of summer. No August = no sadness. Easy. Our August vacation will now be called July Part II vacation. Although I have to give some thought to my firstborn, who has an August birthday; hopefully, he’ll understand. Two, no back-to-school purchases until the day school starts. They can tempt me all they want with their sales, adorable scarves, super cool boots, whatever. This girl will not take the bait. I am stronger than that. Third, and toughest, is the work piece. There’s no getting around it. As I write this for our fall issue, I stare outside at the sunny 86-degree day, think about my lap swimming later today, and have a good laugh to myself—as you, the reader, are getting the school supplies and backpacks ready. Last laugh: Me. n

Stephanie Silverman is the publisher of Your Teen.

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