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My child is a bully Dealing with disgraceful behaviour
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Step-parenting Create your own role within the family
A news magazine and online resource for families
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DUNEDIN / ISSUE 63 / Autumn 2014
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inside this issue
From the editor Contents I was staggered when I read the statistic that as many as one in four New Zealand families are blended families.
4 Step-parenting
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hen my next thought was; why is there not more material available for stepparents, and a greater focus on the specific parenting challenges that come with being a step-parent? Parenting itself has challenges. But stepparenting comes with a whole other set of baggage, whether the situation comes about through separation of biological parents, or death of a spouse. Having not been a step-parent myself, I can’t write from personal experience. I have, however, been a stepchild of sorts, at least when visiting my father who remarried a lovely woman who already had children of her own. In some ways, there was not so much pressure on that situation because it was always a temporary visit and I liked my father’s wife, but there was still definitely that feeling of, “where do I fit in this family,” and “these kids are not entitled to my dad’s time.” Of course, kids’ brains are not fully developed at a young age and able to process the situation from a logical perspective. Therefore, their actions are often purely from a self-preservation perspective and steeped in emotions that they may not be able to fully label or express. As such, they don’t appreciate the immense challenges that the situation presents for the step-parent. But that’s the thing about being the adult – you get to take all the responsibility and in return may receive belligerence, the silent treatment, or the dreaded, “you’re not my
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Features
Forge your own role as a step-parent.
4 real mother,” (or father, as the case may be.) What I have learned through writing our main feature article about step-parenting this issue is that step-parenting is a very different experience for everyone. Some become step-parents when the child is quite young, and the adjustment isn’t as difficult. Some are lucky enough to be in a situation where the biological parents’ split was reasonably amicable, and there is not the same resentment from the biological mother toward the step-mother, or biological father toward the step-father. Stereotypes, of any sort, simply don’t cut it when it comes to step-parenting. For an insight into a step-parents’ world, and some great expert advice, check out our step-parenting article this issue. Plus keep turning those pages for more parenting, health and education articles, as well as lots of opportunities to win with our competitions and giveaways. Enjoy.
15 Preteen corner
6 My child is a bully
Practical tips on how to change your
Eva-Maria talks step-parenting tips to win preteens.
child’s bullying behaviour.
Comment
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8 Kids’ corner
Competitions, games and reviews.
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7 Reengaging kids in maths
How to bring out the maths whiz in your child.
11 Autumn camping spots
The Department of Conservation recommends stunning autumn vistas.
12 Bonding with your baby
Parent-baby attachment isn’t always an automatic experience.
14 Kids and fundraising
School fundraising teaches kids financial literacy.
Resource information 5 School term dates 10 Calendar of events 11 Entertainment 13 Help is at hand
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feature story
Being a step-parent We all grow up with fairytales of handsome princes, blushing maidens and happily ever after. But what if you find yourself cast as the evil stepmother?
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stimates suggest that up to a quarter of New Zealand families are remarriages or new partnerships with existing children. Research also suggests that many of those new relationships won’t stand the stress of the new family unit, and will dissolve within the first few years – especially if the new family unit is established without forethought and preplanning.
Evil step-parent? Whether you are a step-mother or stepfather, you will have stereotypes to deal with. A new step-parent often enters the new family unit with a mixture of fervour and trepidation, says Christchurch-based family psychologist Prue Fanselow-Brown. But, their determination and striving to avoid the pitfalls of the archetypical “evil” stereotype often ends in tears and failure: sometimes none of their own doing, and sometimes misguided notions of how the child or children will respond to them. Step-children have undergone the loss (either through death or separation) of a biological parent, and even if that parent is not what you might regard as a good parent – if they are a criminal, a drug-addict, or simply a dead-beat – the child will usually retain strong feelings
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of loyalty to that parent. The result, says Fanselow-Brown, is that a sense of betrayal may accompany any positive feelings that the child has towards the step-parent. “I think step parents need to be quite patient and lower their expectations a bit in a new relationship. “Step parents coming into that sort of relationship need to be very aware of how that feels for the child, to see their parent overtly affectionate with somebody new. That sort of affection is best to be kept away from the children initially. Be a respectable friend who will respect their needs. If you’re aware and patient, it can go very well.” In extreme cases, the child may view the step-parent with suspicion, or as a threat to their ties with their biological parent. They may try to sabotage the relationship between their parent and step-parent, act-out with behaviour issues, or seek to re-establish the relationship between biological parents. All of this is within the realm of possibilities, and couples about to embark on a journey as a daughter for five years. She says that being new blended family need to be aware of it. a step-parent has been one of the hardest definitions that she has ever struggled with. The role of a step-parent “I think the most important thing going into it Rather than try to be a parent, step-parents was knowing that I wasn’t going into it to beneed to establish their own role according to come a mother - she has one of those already. Fanselow-Brown. Primarily, at least early on, I’m just me; she’s always called me by my the step-parent’s goal is to be a warm friend nickname “Gen” and continues to do so.” to the child, she says – keeping a distance so that the child has a space in which to observe the step-parent and approach when comfort allows. That’s a strategy that has worked for stepparent Geni McCallum. Geni has been a stepmother to her seven-and-a-half-year old step-
Discipline Discipline can be a dicey subject between two partners even in their first marriage, with their own biological children. A parent’s own upbringing, the influence of
grandparents and friends, and a parent’s own individual preferences can lead to conflict when it comes to how to discipline a child. Add a step-parent into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for catastrophe, if it’s not talked about and decided on in advance. Fanselow-Brown recommends that parents in blended families decide on support, rules, consequences and household tasks in advance, and also how to encourage adherence. She says that the “hard stuff” happens when punishments or consequences are required for defiance or failure to comply. In this case, she says that the biological parent
feature story
The four cornerstones of good step-parenting
You and your partner are a team space has been disrupted to make room for
must adopt the lead role of disciplinarian, with the step-parent in a supporting role. Initially at least, the step-parent can perhaps stand beside the biological parent, or behind them, and nod in agreement, wordlessly. Over time, the step-parent’s role in discipline may change as they build the child’s trust and as the child begins to feel secure in the longevity of the new relationship.
I didn’t ever let myself be treated badly or without respect though; it’s important to stand up for yourself whilst you’re building the relationships in your family. “Just like any parent, my role changes and our relationship is fluid - it took me a while to find my place but I love it now.”
Dealing with dislike
Author Flora McEvedy was 29 when her boyfriend introduced her to his two daughters, ages six and two. Although both parties tried, the relationship between her and the girls quickly disintegrated, as she described in an interview with The Telegraph while promoting her book, The Step Parents’ Parachute. “Most of the time, the girls ignored me with Geni says that has been her experience. studious concentration. But there were “I did wait for a while before I began enforcalso endless scenes - tantrums thrown left, ing rules at the beginning because it wasn’t my right and centre by both them and me. The place to come in and change her life around. girls would stand in my path whenever I
“Once I abandoned any attempt at friendship, it took root of its own accord. They thawed visibly, and started to tell me stuff.
It is natural to crave inclusion in the elite club of blood relatives, but remember you are not an outsider. You are already in a strong relationship, so don’t shut out the person who introduced you to stepparenthood. Talk to your partner about your anxieties, without criticising the child’s behaviour. Try not to compete with your step-child, and give your partner space to love you and the child separately.
someone who is usually seen as an intruder. In self-defence, step-children will try to hurt you because they identify you as the one who has ruined their happiness. Of course it’s difficult being treated like a criminal in your own home, but don’t take their rejection personally. They are probably feeling as paranoid and unsettled as you are.
Know your role
At the start, all you have in common with your step-child is your link with the natural parent. In time, you need to build a direct bond with the child, and, for this, you need to cultivate trust. Even when antagonism has frozen all goodwill, a compliment and a little praise go a long way. However gradually, dedicating yourself to being a positive presence in the life of the step-child will bring stability to your family. *Paraphrased from The Step-Parents’ Parachute: The Four Cornerstones of Good Step-Parenting by Flora McEvedy, available online with Amazon.
If step-children take an instant dislike to you, remember they are not biologically programmed to love you. You may bend over backwards to please them, with little or no thanks, but normal social rules do not apply. Even if the step-child seems to be punishing you for simply existing, try to understand that you may always come second to natural parents, but that second place is not so terrible.
Keep rejection at arm’s length
The arrival of a step-parent can turn a child’s world upside down. The family
approached their dad, and yelp at our friendly overtures. They’re just kids, I told myself, when they refused to eat the macaroni cheese I had cooked.” She says that she started to “burn with resentment,” because no matter how hard she tried, the situation just got worse and all her attempts to be liked were mercilessly scorned. The turning point for her began when she decided that rather than look to her step-daughters for approval, to turn to a different quarter for reward for the work she was putting in with them.
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Monday 20 April to Friday 3 July
Term 3, 2015
Monday 20 July to Friday 25 September
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Your step-children need your love
“It dawned on me that I didn’t have to justify myself to my stepchildren, and that I hadn’t been asked to be a step-parent, but had simply become involved with someone who already had kids. So the obligation is to my partner, alone. I owe it to him to make the best relationship I can with his children. When I sweat and toil to look after a stepchild, what I am actually doing is looking after my relationship with my partner.” As McEvedy began to disengage from her need for acceptance, she found the situation began to turn itself around. FEBRUARY 10 TO FEBRUARY 23, 2015
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When your child is the bully Few parents ever expect the call: your child’s school principal wants to talk to you about your child’s bullying behaviour.
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or most parents, the reaction is one of disbelief, ranging from “It can’t be my child,” to “Maybe the situation has been manipulated by the other child,” to “There must have been extreme mitigating circumstances.” Horror and embarrassment is a normal reaction according The Parenting Place creative producer and presenter John Cowan. “But not always... some parents justify their child’s actions. Some see bullying as a normal and even useful part of human life and others see the persecution as being justified. By all means, emotionally support your child but that does not mean minimising the offensiveness of bullying.” No parent wants to learn the truth that their child is displaying behaviour that belittles, hurts, or abuses other children. The situation raises fear, anxiety, and defensiveness – after all, aren’t children a reflection of their parents? Cowan says not always. “All kids make mistakes. Bullying is a mistake: it is a kid trying on a dud strategy, coupled with some immature logic and immature impulse control. Therefore, any child could be a bully.”
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As kids begin school, parents are no longer the sole influence around their lives. Kids have unsupervised time with other kids, and parents are not around to witness - let alone monitor - their child’s behaviour. However, experts say that it is important not to justify your child’s behaviour because of your own fear or sense of shame or failure. There can be many reasons behind bullying behaviour that may not be self-evident from the surface. Author and educator Rosalind Wiseman, who wrote the book Queen Bees and Wannabees, which inspired the movie Mean Girls, urges parents to understand that: • Roles change. Today the bully. Tomorrow, the bullied. Children are not fixed in their roles. Depending on the situation, children can just as easily be the bully as they can the target. • They have a private life. Parents must assume and accept that they won’t know everything that goes on with their child. • Kids have two sides. Children will act differently at home than they will at school. • You’re still a good parent. There are many reasons why parents aren’t aware of their child’s inappropriate behaviour, and it’s not always because the parent is irresponsible. So, if you’ve just received that call from the school principal, the first thing to do is to take a deep breath, take a moment to process what you’ve just heard, and be grateful that you have been alerted. That at least gives
you a chance to address the issue at what is hopefully an early stage. Cowan recommends the following course of action to take with your child:
1 Address the issue while supporting the
child. Even as you are telling them off (and you should!) let them know that your main disappointment is not that they are “bad” but that you are upset because you know they are a good kid and capable of better behaviour. It may be appropriate to set penalties and wind back trust around technology that has been used for bullying but let them know, even as you are removing the trust, that you looking forward to trusting them again.
2 If the child doesn’t know already, you
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should leave them in no doubt that bullying is completely unacceptable. Express it in terms of rules (kids
understand rules): no hitting, no rude or threatening talk or texts, etc.
3 Displace the need for bullying by helping
your child build their self esteem in healthier ways – opportunities to play to their strength, feeding back to them about their good qualities, etc.
4 Engineer opportunities for them to mix
in more positive groups to form new friendships where bullying probably isn’t part of the group culture (e.g. sports, scouts, youth groups, hobby clubs etc).
5 Challenge the attitudes of intolerance
that made him think the victim deserved bullying. Instead, encourage a culture of “heroism;” intervening to defend and protect in a heroic way.
6 If appropriate, seek ways that amends could be made with the victim.
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Reengaging kids in maths Research over the past few decades shows that kids in the Western world are disengaging from mathematics by middle school (intermediate age) and not regaining that interest.
themselves a positive role model for valuing math. In fact, parents’ own interest in math is another important component that Martin identified as important to a child’s interest in math. Did you, as a parent, hate math and pass on that attitude to your kids, for example?
“Did you, as a parent, hate math and pass on that attitude to your kids?”
The question is, why? University of Sydney researcher Andrew Martin set out to investigate why kids are switching off to maths in his 2012 report published in the Journal of Educational Psychology. And he believes that with some effort, both parents and teachers can turn the situation around. The results of his study, based on 1601 Australian middle school students from 200 classrooms in 33 schools, showed that the key factor turning kids off maths is self-efficacy: students’ sense that they are competent and able enough to solve mathematical problems. The second element critical to switching students onto maths is the value they attach to the subject, and the third element is students’ love (or lack of love) for the subject. Martin recommended that to foster and encourage kids in maths, that teachers and parents “restructure learning so as to maximise opportunities for success,” by building on skills that students have already mastered, and helping kids set challenging but realistic goals: a challenge that is wellmatched to a child’s skill level, with clear goals and unambiguous feedback. Also, parents can demonstrate that maths is important in the real world, and make
Here are some tips to foster a love for maths in your child:
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Buy your children lego
Building with Lego helps kids to conceptualise big, complex abstractions from small basic parts.
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•
•
Buy your children the card game Set Multiple mathematicians have cited the card game Set as particularly inspiring, according to Business Insider. The game provokes the ideas of permutations, combinations and probability. And there is a very good app for it. Origami Origami is not only a fun and colourful art project: it also conditions a love of geometry, which is especially great for tactile learners.
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Use everyday situations
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Ask your kids wide open questions that involve estimation and math, as opposed to the specific questions that they get at
school. For example, “how long will it take to fill this pool?” This kind of open-ended puzzle is tantalising and incorporates a variety of math skills. Teach your child to play chess Chess has relatively straight-forward rules that remove chance and build analytical, problem-solving skills. Familiarise yourself with learning standards If you know what your child is learning, it
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will be easier to complement those skills with home activities. Plus, you might even get to up-skill yourself. Be an example Many parents hated math at school – try not pass on that attitude to your child. Show that you are confident with routine mathematical tasks like balancing your bank statement. Point out the usefulness of math in everyday life, and the amazing careers that math can lead to – architecture, medicine, fashion design, computer programming, and more.
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KIDS TIM E Welcome to Kids’ Time at Family Times. Enjoy the fun activities and competitions. For competitions, enter online by visiting www.familytimes.co.nz and click on the competitions link.
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Design a fabulous, magical Easter Egg Hunt in preparation for the Easter Bunny’s April adventures and describe what’s happening in your design. Send us your picture (either via post 116 vegetables. Design a spring outfit out of flowers and or email) and youmade will be in to win a wonderful prize Itpack for creative kiwiyour kidsmum, from your Crayola. could be for you, dad or anyone else. Please describe what is made out of. entry Send us your picture and be in to9-12. There are itthree separate age groups: 1-4, 5-8 and your$50 design an A4 sheet of paper and either post it win Create an amazing prizeon pack from Crayola! orentry scan age and groups: email itpreschool to us. Don’t to write/type your name, Three (ageforget 1-4), 5-8, 9-12. age, description postal (so wethe cantemplate send you your prize if you win!). Post: Create your design onand an A5 sheetaddress or download and PO Box 36 004, Christchurch 8146. Email: jackie@familytimes.co.nz - Entries close 1 entry form from www.familytimes.co.nz. Post in to PO Box 36 2015. 004,May Christchurch 8146. Entries close on 11 October 2014. A huge congratulations is in order to our winners of issue last issue’s competition too: Congratulations to our competition winners from our last Designdesign your very own to 4-year-olds Maia Andrell New1Zealand superhero. Thank you also to kidsonscreen for the idea, DVD prizes; ourjudge: tent, Felicity my family is inside it.”Christchurch Art Gallery Te Puna O and “This also toisour Milburn of the Waiwhetu. They are: 5 to 8-year-olds Juni Leung Luke“Rainbow Harrison, Treehouse: This (1-4 years old) is the treehouse I designed for my family.” James Yang, (5-8 years old) 9 to 12-year-olds Sam Gormack Wairaamia Taratoa-Bannister , (9-12 years old) Visit www.familytimes.co.nz to view the winning entries. 116
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cool activities
Calendar of Events Open Arts beginners’ printmaking Wrap the family up nice and course. Learn printing techniques. Cost $90 warm and head out to enjoy for the day, all materials provided and plate some gorgeous autumn days with your imagery prepared before the class. At MacAndrew Bay community hall. Email: at the following family-friendly 4rooster@clear.net.nz or phone 03-4780983. events. For more event and entertainment ideas, 29 March Sunday Sounds blues concert. Enjoy a lazy visit www.familytimes.co.nz summer Sunday with friends and family. Pack and enjoy our large, familya picnic, grab a rug and enjoy live music, while friendly resource. lounging on the lawns of the Dunedin Botanic Garden. From 1-2.30pm, free.
24 March Talking about Tangata Whenua: An Illustrated History. This free talk offers a glimpse into an exceptional new history that is important to all New Zealanders. Hutton Theatre, 5.30pm.
26 March WW100 Toitu Commemorative Poppies. Participate in creating a poppy wall at the museum. Knitting, crotchet patterns, wool and needles will be available. From 10am2pm, Toitu Otago Settlers Museum. Free. Visit www.toituosm.com.
28 March
29 March Town Belt Traverse. An 8.2 kilometre from the Southern Cemetery to Woodhaugh Gardens taking in the heart of the Dunedin Town Belt. Buggy friendly. From 10am – prizes to be won. Visit dunedin-amenities-society.org. nz.
3 - 6 April Gypsy Fair Original. Popular famous fair that comes to town only once a year, featuring thirty gypsy families in interesting housetrucks and buses. Come check out these fabulous homes. The Oval, Princes Street, 9am-5pm.
Higlanders vs Stormers. The Highlanders 4-19 April will be out to right the wrong of Cape Town when they host their South African opponents Museum Explorers. Get ready for more at this Forsyth Barr classic match-up. Tickets crafty and amusing drawing challenges at Toitu Otago Settlers Museum. Pick up a clip0800-224-224. board from the front desk or the NZR foyer, explore the galleries and get creative. From 28 March
HORSE RIDING LESSONS Fun and learning on a riding school horse or with your own horse. Improve your riding skills and develop a rapport with your horse or a riding school horse. Lessons also available after school, during weekends and school holiday courses.
Ph: 489 8600, Mobile: 021-808 596
Get into Summer Sounds at the Dunedin Botanic Gardens. 10am-5pm, visit www.toituosm.com.
12 April Sunday Sounds. Enjoy a lazy summer Sunday with friends and family. Pack a picnic, grab a rug and enjoy live music from Mosgiel Brass, while lounging on the lawns of the Dunedin Botanic Garden. From 1-2.30pm, free.
18 - 19 April The Autumn Colours Outing. Travel from Dunedin to Arrowtown over the weekend. Each vehicle is given detailed route instructions and other information to help get them to each of the organised food stops. Visit www.mainlandclassic.co.nz.
22 April
Copenhagen Royal Chapel Choir: Ascension. The 46-strong choir including 30 boys aged 13-16 years, is rated as one of the finest in Europe with Le Figaro. St Paul’s Cathedral, 7pm, tickets 0800-224-224.
e h t r Fo e t a m ulti ut! day o
11 Christie St, GREEN ISLAND
PH: 03-488 4448
www.combatzonepaintball.co.nz
25 April ANZAC Commemorations. Toitu Otago Settlers Museum will open immediately following the Dawn Service. Join for morning tea and ANZAC biscuits in the Josephine Foyer, opposite Queens Gardens, 7-9am.
11 May National Young Leaders Day. Give your child the opportunity to be inspired and challenged by attending a National Young Leaders Day. Dunedin Town Hall, 9.30am – 2.30pm. Child $49, adult $25, tickets 09-531-4070.
14 - 23 May The Sound of Music. Taieri Musical is thrilled to present the beloved Rodgers and Hammerstein classic to a new generation of theatregoers. At Mosgiel Coronation Hall, 7.30-10pm, adult $45, child $30, visit www. taierimusical.org.nz.
Otago Museum spirit collection. Otago Museum is offering a new This bug-tastic exhibition is on at the Otago perspective on some of nature’s leastMuseum until 10 May 2015 understood creatures. Now on, Bugs: the Mega World of Minibeasts, takes you deep into the lives of these tiny animals, which make up 90% of the world’s species. From clapping cicadas to pleasing fungus beetles, these little critters aren’t as creepy as you might think! Find out about their incredible abilities including strength, metamorphosis and camouflage, and learn about the outsized impact they have on our environment, our economy and our lives. More than 800 items are on show, including exotic bugs from the historic A butterfly in Discovery World Tropical Forest, Otago Museum.
Open until 10 May 2015 Free exhibition, 10am−5pm www.otagomuseum.nz www.familytimes.co.nz
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Entertainment Need a fun activity to beat the autumn blues? The weather may be cooling down, but there’s still plenty of fun to be had at a plethora of events and entertainment destinations around the city. Here are a few ideas to get you started, and we’ve got heaps more at www. familytimes.co.nz. Otago Museum No matter the weather, Otago Museum is always the hottest place in town! Experience a lush, living Tropical Forest, where you’ll meet live butterflies and other tropical creatures in their natural paradise.
Rialto Cinemas This autumn bring the kids to Rialto Cinemas to see Disney’s remake of classic fairytale Cinderella, fun adventure tale Tinkerbell: Legen of the Neverbeast and quirky new animation Home.
Royal Albatross Centre The only place in the world to see Albatross on the “Mainland” is at the tip of Dunedins’ Otago Peninsula.
High-impact entertainment at Laserforce.
K
ids’ moods can change in a flash – one minute they are happy, then bored; cranky, then sweet. With babies and toddlers, those mood swings are usually related to need: the need for food, a nappy change, comfort or sleep. But as kids begin to grow, they start to experience emotion and moods. It’s what they do with those emotions and moods that can set them up for a life of emotional stability or vulnerability. Helping your child to learn about their moods in a healthy way will enable them to make healthy choices, according to Carl Pickhardt, author of Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence. “No matter what your child is feeling, you first job as a parent is to empathise,” said Pickhardt. “Let your child know that you care what they are feeling and you have a sense of what they are feeling.” Also, helping them identify exactly what it is that they are feeling- or figuring out why they are in a bad mood – will teach them to look for the source of the problem and to resolve it. It’s about helping your child learn a key skill: How to bring herself back up when she’s feeling down, said Pickhardt, and teaching her how to do that it in healthy ways; i.e. not eating junk food or binge watching television to numb the feeling. After all, everybody gets sad, mad, or upset sometimes; the key is knowing that you don’t have to stay that way, and how to find happiness again. Teaching those skills from a young age ensures that your child has an open line of communication with you, and feels free to discuss their feelings or mood with you as they embark on preteen years, and even teen years. Here are a few basic emotions to help your child identify from a young age: 1 Sadness. Sadness is a normal emotion
Getting into the great outdoors this autumn Make the most of the settled weather, end-of-summer warmth and quieter holiday season by taking your family out into nature this autumn. Department of Conservation (DOC) rangers share their top places to visit for those wanting to get away for a week, a weekend or even just a day.
Laserforce Laserforce Generation 6 Supernova is a thrilling, state-of-the-art, high-impact game that brings out the competitive streak in everyone, as well as laughs and smiles – it’s just good fun!
Inflatable World Bring the whole family and bounce on into Inflatable World. Visit our website to find a location close to you: www.inflatableworld.co.nz.
Managing your child’s mood We all are partial to different moods, and kids are no different. But depending on temperament, moods can change with gentle ebb and flow - or a giant swing.
cool activities
that human beings feel, for a variety of reasons. Try to talk with your child to identify the source of their sadness. Start the conversation by trying to label the emotion: “I notice that Tommy didn’t play with you today. Is that making you feel sad?” Sadness may not be resolved in a moment, but talking – or even going out for a walk - certainly takes the sting out of it. 2 Anger. Some kids have a more explosive temper than others, but even those who are quietly angry experience the stress of this emotion. Find out why your child is angry, and ask him what would make him feel better. For example, if another child snatched his toy, it’s not okay to snatch it back, but perhaps ask for it to be returned. Don’t tell him that he shouldn’t be angry – suppressing anger can be dangerous, but learning to manage it and to let go is healthy. 3 Disappointment. Things don’t always go the way that we want. Maybe your child doesn’t get that part in the school play or a position on the soccer team. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings, and the fact that we don’t always get what we want. Allow the disappointment and the hurt, and teach them not to pretend that they don’t care, but how to focus on another goal or desire and to keep trying.
No set up, no clean up at Chipmunks With a hot meal and drink for all, all-day play, no clean up charges and a playground chocka with awesome equipment, Chipmunks is party central. Chipmunks take the hassle out of self catering or hosting a party at home. Simply book your party and let us take care of everything, all in your very own party room. Chipmunks Dunedin offer free entry for adults and under 1s, and a cafe menu with tasty food and great coffee in a warm centre with comfortable seating.
Day: Allans Beach, DOC Dunedin ranger Karen Connor Allans Beach on the Otago peninsula, Dunedin, is wild and remote. With only a short walk from the road end to the beach (5 minutes), you can take your surfboards or, on a calm day, enjoy a family picnic or simply stroll along the beach. The beach is home to much of coastal Otago’s special wildlife— hoiho/yellow-eyed penguins and pakake/sea lions. Please respect and give space to these rare and beautiful animals.
Weekend: Lindis Pass Historic Hotel campsite, Central Otago, DOC Twizel ranger Kiersten McKinley Lindis Pass Hotel in Nine Mile Historic Reserve is such a cool place to take kids under 12. A 5km gravel drive to the site might put some people off, but for our good ole’ kiwi family it is great. When we went in my hubby drove our vehicle while two of our older kids (aged 8 and 10) cycled in with me. Lovely green campsites surround the old hotel, which is great for young kids to run around and explore. Then it is only a 1 km walk to Watties Cottage—a super easy walk for young kids on an old farm track.
Week: Kidds Bush campsite, DOC Wanaka ranger Annette Grieve
A great and popular destination on the Lake Hawea foreshore for families, Kidds Bush has walks and water activities to keep campers of all ages happy. Starting from the campsite, Kidds Bush Nature Walk (1km) is a great option to get little (and big) people to stretch their legs and explore our mountain beech forests. The campsite is located within easy reach of Mt Aspiring National Park to the west and biking tracks to the east. Visit www.doc.govt.nz to find out more about these awesome places and to plan and prepare for your trips.
Party at Chipmunks for
safe, guaranteed fun!
• Hot party meal & drink for each child • Your own party room • Stay & play all day Adults entr y is • Chipmunks lollies ALWA YS • Party loot bags* free • Ice cream cake* • Party game & prize* ive All inclus om fr • Special premium gift packages for your birthday child* per child • No clean up charges
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Your choice of 5 popular party themes!
Remember to bring your socks! (No socks, no play)
Book your party now!
373 Princes Street, Dunedin Phone 03 477 6762 dunedin@chipmunks.co.nz *Party “loot bags”, party game & prize, premium gift for birthday child, are inclusions in bash & bonanza packages.
New Zealand An invitation to all girls aged 5 to 18... Come join the fun & friendship at any of our nationwide locations.
www.girlsbrigade.nz www.chipmunks.co.nz
E-mail: info@girlsbrigade.org.nz
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baby & toddler
Bonding with your baby You’ve been waiting nine months for this little bundle of joy to come into your life, and finally, after the pain of labour, your precious little one looks up at you in wonder and expectation. What do you feel in that moment?
hormone dopamine that’s coursing through your body is also helping your baby to attach emotionally to you.
When bonding isn’t formed immediately
Not every mother feels an instinctive bond with her child at birth. In fact, studies have shown that about 20% of new mums (and dads) feel no such bond in the hours immediately following delivery. Sometimes it takes weeks, or even months, before that bond is secured. The reason could be a sick baby in intensive care that you are unable to hold, a multiple birth, an Many mothers describe the experience as adoption, feeling overwhelmed at the arrival of “complete euphoria,” surpassing any other your baby, sheer exhaustion after childbirth, a feeling of love or affection. It’s a special traumatic birth, or any number of factors. attachment, or bonding, that takes place between mother and child. But not all births – It’s quite normal, and experts say that it’s or all bonding experiences – happen that way. really important not to feel guilty over something that you have no control over. In What is bonding? fact, increased stress levels over the issue Bonding refers to the special attachment that are counter-productive to relaxing into a forms between a mother and father and their relationship with your child. new baby. That bond is what sends parents rushHow to create – or ing into their newborn’s room in the middle of strengthen – that bond the night at the slightest whimper. It’s also what Experts recommend skin-to-skin touch makes parents want to instinctively care for and immediately after birth, for both mum and nurture their child, and attend to the variety of dad, to start the bonding process. But bonding cries that they exert to express their needs. happens in many ways over time. When you How is bonding formed? look at your newborn, touch her skin, feed her, The hormone oxytocin, which is released and care for her, you’re bonding. Rocking your during pregnancy and in greater amounts baby to sleep or stroking her back can establish during labour, helps to create a feeling of your new relationship and make her feel more euphoria and love for your newborn. You may comfortable. When you gaze at your newborn, feel an overwhelming urge to protect your she will look back at you. In mothers who baby from the first moment you see her. And breastfeed, their baby’s cries will stimulate the while you’re savouring the high, the feel-good
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The parent-child bond is a key factor in the way that your infant’s brain organises itself and influences their social, emotional, intellectual and physical development. A secure bond provides your baby with an optimal foundation for life: eagerness to learn, healthy selfawareness, trust, and consideration for others. An insecure attachment bond – one that fails to meet your infant’s need for safety and understanding – can lead to identity confusion, learning difficulties, and a struggle to relate to others in later life.
Dads and adoptive parents Bonding frequently occurs on a
different timetable for dads and adoptive parents, partially because they don’t have the early contact of breastfeeding that many mothers have. There are many ways to start and strengthen that bond, and the earlier the better. Where possible: • Participate in the labour and delivery of your child. • Feeding: where baby isn’t being breast-
• • • • • •
fed, bottle feeding (either formula or expressed breast milk) helps establish a bond. Read or sing to baby. Give baby a bath. Mirror baby’s movements. Mimic baby’s cooing and other vocalisations — the first efforts at communication. Use a front-baby carrier during routine activities. Let baby feel the different textures of your face.
win win win 5 lullaby CDS to win
Breastfeeding support in many ways
OTAGO PAEDIATRICS
Meet breastfeeding mothers ContaCt a trained breastfeeding counsellor Read a book from our library BRowse our website Join and receive aroha magazine Buy books and leaflets donate to help La Leche League help more mums like you.
Dr Andrew Kelly CONSULTANT PAEDIATRICIAN
Regular private clinics held in Dunedin, Queenstown and Cromwell.
• Minimal waiting times • Infants and Children of all ages seen for the range of Child Health and Development issues
CONTACT US: (03) 476 6579 or 467 5599 EMAIL: help@lalecheleague.org.nz facebook.com/LLLNZ lalecheleague.org.nz
Contact Mornington Health Centre, Dunedin 03-466 5011 www.mhc.co.nz
Pregnant? Have you thought of sharing this special time with a student midwife? The focus for our first year midwifery students is to ‘follow through’ pregnancy, birth and the early weeks at home, with women and their families – the role being that of a companion/support person. Our students enjoy these experiences which provide their best learning opportunities. If your baby is due before early November and you think you might enjoy sharing your childbirth experience with one of our students, please contact:
Emma Morey, School of Midwifery 0800 762 786, emma.morey@op.ac.nz
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Experience We can help with those unfamiliar challenges.
The importance of bonding
From internationally acclaimed pianist, Carl Doy and the members of The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra, come 20 exquisite lullabies from all around the world. Simply go to www.familytimes.co.nz to enter to win one of five copies of this beautiful CD. Entries close 14 April 2015.
Let us join your journey with.. Advice Our trained team will listen and help you get what you need.
let-down of milk. For many parents, bonding is a byproduct of everyday care giving. You may not even know it’s happening until you observe your baby’s first smile and suddenly realise that you’re filled with love and joy.
0800 762 786 www.op.ac.nz www.familytimes.co.nz
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Support for separated parents
support services
Find out about the support services available to separated parents wanting to reach agreement over the care of their children.
children after you’ve separated. To find your nearest programme click on the “who can help” tab on the Family Justice website. This information and advice may be enough to reach agreement with your ex-partner on the care arrangements for your children. However, if like Mary you feel it would be helpful for a neutral professional to assist you s a separated parent, Mary wanted both to reach agreement, then you may like to make changes to the child care to contact a Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) arrangements she and her ex-partner John provider. The FDR provider’s role is to help had in place for the last three years. Mary’s you both reach an agreement on how to best son was about to start primary school and care for your children. The FDR provider is she was worried that John taking over care on not there to take sides but is there to guide Monday mornings might not work because he you to find solutions that work for you both lived some distance from the school. While and work for your children. Mary and John were on speaking terms, she The FDR provider may also suggest you get did not feel confident raising these issues legal advice if you haven’t already. If you are directly with him. eligible, you may be able to get free advice Have you found yourself in this situation, or from a Family Legal Advice Service lawyer. are you recently separated and unable to More than 80% of people who have gone reach agreement with your ex-partner over through FDR have been able to reach the care arrangements for your children? agreement. FDR places less strain on your While most parents are able to agree on how children, as it helps you keep their interests at to look after their children, some benefit from heart and resolve issues without the stress of support. A number of new services in the going to court. Alternatively, there are other community to assist people to resolve their public services available that can help. You can care arrangements without the need to go to find these on the Family Justice website or court were introduced by the Government you can seek advice from your local Citizens in March 2014. As a first step you may find Advice Bureau. that developing a parenting plan, in discussion The family justice website is www.justice.govt. with your ex-partner, is a useful process for nz/family-justice. agreeing on care arrangements. The parenting Advertorial plan is a useful resource, which will help you think about all the things that may happen and help you to reach agreement. The parenting Literacy Aotearoa (Dunedin) Inc plan and other useful guides are on the Family Carnegie Justice website (see below). Centre, Separating parents are also able to attend Phone: 110 the free information programme Parenting 03-477 2055 Through Separation, which is run by non-profit Moray Place organisations throughout the country. This FREE COURSES programme has helped thousands of families • Learner Licence Courses and gives practical advice to help you deal with • One to one workplace literacy tuition • Basic computing • Writing Family Stories separation and the affect it has on your children. • Communication in the Workplace It will also help you plan how to care for your
A
Sometimes you need Help is some information @ hand or an answer to a curly question. Why not pick up the phone and call the relative support agency? You’ll find professional caring people ready to assist you.
The Immunisation Advisory Centre is an
independent source of evidence-based information on immunisation and vaccines. For questions about vaccines or diseases Phone: 0800 IMMUNE (466 863) or visit immune.org.nz
Dunedin Budget Advisory Service
5 Barbie in Princess Power DVDS!
win win win
Barbie™ stars as Kara, a modern-day princess with an everyday life. One day, after being kissed by a magical butterfly, Kara™ soon discovers she has amazing super powers allowing her to transform into Super Sparkle, her secret, crimefighting alter ego. Simply go to www. familytimes.co.nz to enter to win one of five DVDs. Entries close 14 April 2015.
Dunedin Community Childcare Association Dunedin Community Childcare Association (DCCA) is celebrating its 40th birthday in September. Established in 1975, it is still going strong as a large, not-for-profit organisation. A real strength of the DCCA is its transition to school programmes run in its centres and home-based environments. New entrant teachers speak highly of DCCA children. They arrive at school with excellent numeracy, literacy and social skills and are well prepared to be happy and successful learners. The beauty of being part of DCCA is that parents get to choose tailor-made care and education for their child. There are some vacancies still for 2015 so be in quick to secure your place in one of DCCA’s excellent centres or with a highly-skilled and
trained home-based educator. Check out DCCA’s website for more info - www.dcca.
org.nz or ring the head office 03-4563213.
Jackson enjoys a laugh with Dunedin Community Childcare Centre teacher Jenny Atkinson.
Phone: 03-471 6158 Free confidential advice on personal budgets. How to manage your money, options and plans for debt repayment.
If you need help...
SUPERGRANS is a free, confidential and non-judgemental service. SUPERGRANS share their life skills with families in need. SUPERGRANS are mature people who work on a volunteer basis because they care.
Contact Marie Sutherland Phone: 03-474 0582
E-mail: supergrans.dunedin@xtra.co.nz 13
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• Speech problems • Language and understanding difficulties • Feeding & swallowing difficulties CARA can help.
CARA Ltd P: 03 455 7018 E: admin@carateam.co.nz www.carateam.co.nz
Happy children learning in happy places. Qualified, caring teachers and educators in childcare centres and in homes across the Dunedin area. P hone 03-456 321 3 for the perfect match for your child. www.dcca.org.nz
market place
Why fundraising is a good thing As your child drags home another giant box of cookies for sale, or tickets to the latest school raffle that you need to palm off, the temptation is to sigh in frustration. “Oh no, not again! We just finished the bake sale!” But fundraising has its benefits for youngsters, and research shows that it’s a great way for parents to teach philanthropy, and that helping others can be fun while also building and supporting the kind of community that you want to live in. Young children generally become involved in fundraising as a result of a school activity or parental involvement. As children become older, their ideas of philanthropy expand and their acts of helping and sharing increase with their new understanding of volunteerism and basic financial concepts. Children involved in fundraising are also committed to their causes. It’s important to involve children in philanthropic activities when they are young because as they grow, these behaviours will become second nature to them. Additionally, fundraising gives children a sense of empowerment. Children do not often have the monetary resources available to them to bring about change, but through fundraising, they can acquire the financial means necessary to begin the process of change. They see first-hand that they have the ability to make a positive change in their communities. And there are some practical life skills that fundraising can help your child learn.
that their child can do it of their own accord. However, learning to be organised, make a plan and not leave the fundraising to the last minute is a great life lesson to learn – whether they succeed or fail.
3 The value of money
Learning the price of a dollar is a lesson that is never in vain. Explain that some people in the world live on just one dollar a day, and then show your child your grocery bill. Or let them experience how much effort and work it takes to sell chocolate and raise $100, and then how far that $100 goes towards building his new school playground.
4 Communication and interpersonal skills
Whether it’s door knocking (with a parent), calling people to ask for donations, or setting up a booth at a local mall, your child will have to learn how to effectively communicate about the fundraising project, their personal goal, and why it’s worth the investment.
Heating
1 Have a goal
Almost all fundraisers have a goal amount that they need to raise, whether it’s a local notfor-profit or your child’s school fete. Within that wider goal, your child can be encouraged to set their own goal of how much money they would like to raise in support. Maybe it’s a whole box of chocolate they need to sell, or a dollar value that they want to reach, i.e. if they are doing the 40 Hour Famine. Either way, it’s a great way to help them identify a challenging but reachable goal.
Family Getaways Experience Stewart Island with Elwing Discoveries The Elwing Discoveries team wants you to join us aboard the yacht Elwing for the adventure-of-a-life-time in Stewart Island this April! Our holiday adventure voyage will run from 13-17 April and is a stunning opportunity for anyone in Years 6, 7 or 8. Don’t miss this rare opportunity to discover the quiet coves and sparklingly clear waters of Stewart Island, all the while learning about conserving our precious environment and how to live in harmony with Stewart Island’s wilderness. Witness bird and sea-life in their natural habitats, explore untouched bush on foot and in kayaks, swim and snorkel in gorgeous sheltered bays and even learn to sail if the weather permits. Young adventurers discover new stengths while overcoming fears and learning to face challenges with confidence. Don’t hesitate to get in touch as our 10 berths will fill up fast! Phone 027-276-8817 or 03-481-1040. Email: elwingdiscoveries@gmail.com or visit www.elwing.co.nz.
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2 Be organised
The number one pitfall for parents is taking over the fundraising project. This may be because they feel their child will never reach the goal that they have set, or that has been set for them, or because they don’t believe
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Education Free counselling
Relationship, parenting, child and family counselling available
e h t r o F e t a ultim ut! o y a d
At the Kowhai Centre, our Bachelor of Social Services (Counselling) students are supported by lecturers and experienced counsellors to provide you with a free service which is professional, respectful and accessible. Family challenges > Relationships Parenting > Grief and loss > Stress Self-esteem > Planning and goal setting Life changes Services on campus or weekly in East Otago. Phone 03 479 6198 (please leave a message) Email Kowhai.Centre@op.ac.nz
11 Christie St, GREEN ISLAND daviesheating@xtra.co.nz
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Floor units from 3.3
Step-parents and preteens: What Modern Family’s Jay Pritchett taught me
I
’ve recently been re-watching one of my favourite shows, Modern Family. I think what draws me to it (apart from the entertainment factor) is that many of the problems the three families face are very real for families today. My absolute favourite character to watch is Jay: a middle-aged man, married to an out-of-his-depth beautiful Columbian Gloria, with her son from her first marriage Manny. Whether you’ve seen the series, or are a step-parent yourself, take note of the top three things this family has taught me about step-parenting:
1. Ninety per-cent of being a good parent is just showing up. Jay struggles (to say the least) with Manny’s real father’s absolute disrespect to stick to basic time management. Random visits with expectations to sleep over, broken promises to Manny, bringing his new girlfriend unannounced – all these are realities families face today with a parent vaguely outside of the picture. It’s hard to live up to expectations of a parent figure who seems just so “cool,” but Jay puts aside his hate and isn’t there so much to pick up the pieces, but rather just to be there.
2. “While others are out there kicking the ball on the field, Manny’s looking at butterflies.” Trying to shape a child is hard work. Especially if you have a certain dislike of how they have turned out so far. Jay’s biggest goal in life seems to be to turn Manny into a man
while Manny passionately tries to live up to the romantic his mother tries to parent him into being. Be on the same team as your partner! If something irritates you, don’t say it – suggest an alternative parenting method. You are now a team so be on the same page.
3. “I killed the turtle.” In one episode, after Jay accidentally drops a picture on Manny’s pet turtle and kills it, Jay develops a master plan to make Manny believe that a raccoon got into his bedroom window and killed his pet turtle. Not a good parenting choice overall, but when you are a step-parent, honesty is even dearer to preteens in the family. They almost want to feel that you can be more of a friend to them so they expect you to not tip-toe around them the way that their biological parent sometimes does. It’s so easy for you to become the bad guy in a quick flash, so stick to the facts – be truthful. By Eva Maria Eva-Maria is a 23-year-old on a mission to help improve 10,000,000 adult-teenager relationships around the world. She is the author of the bestselling You Shut Up! and sequel Shush, You!. She travels throughout New Zealand, Australia and Russia coaching families, running workshops and speaking at conferences and events about the importance of intergenerational relationships and youth in the workforce, offering understanding from “the other side.” www.eva-maria.co.nz.
Letters to the Editor We welcome letters to the editor. If you would like to comment on something you have read in Family Times, email editor@familytimes. co.nz. Letters may be edited for space restraints or legal reasons.
Dear editor,
I agree with Dr Annick Masselot’s call for New Zealand to have “a conversation about reproduction and how best to support families.” However, I was concerned by some of the assumptions that underlay other comments in the article. She asserts that the reason for maternity leave is to “recover from giving birth.” That was certainly not my primary purpose in taking it - rather it was to care of my baby! To love and nurture it, and to rest myself when I could. At the conclusion of the article we read that “the main thing is that there should be choices for people.” Perhaps this is the “main thing,” but I would like to see some research to support this statement. Perhaps choices are what best leads to the wellbeing of families, but I suspect not. It seems likely to me that there are other more important factors allowing that the well-being of families is the key issue we are discussing - such as secure loving bonds between infant and the primary
caregiver (usually the mother), and warm support for parents struggling to deal with the needs of a newborn, which is so very difficult at times. Furthermore, I consider myself a feminist and hope my daughters - and son - will grow up to call themselves feminists too. But I do think that parenting is still, and will ever be, a gendered concept. I am my children’s mother, and I delight in that role. The way I love and nurture my children, and family as a whole, is different from the way their father loves and develops them and I think that is wonderful. Eliza Bartlett Aro Valley Wellington
Dear editor,
I just wanted to say thank you for so eloquently putting across your belief in the “real” meaning of Christmas in your editor’s letter in Issue 60. I love that you have expressed your love for all parts of Christmas; the fun, lights, joy of it all, but also to pause and remember the real reason for the season. I love it all too and make my own advent calendar each year so there are days when we share our favourite carol with each other and sing and dance to them, and others days where we read the “Christmas Story” and put up our nativity scene on a window (which I printed and coloured myself due to lack of such resources). Great to have a balance of everything. Thanks heaps, Rochelle
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