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ETHEREAL ALMS GIVER ( UNGENEROSITY )
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It’s around Christmas. The Occupy Movement ! has been very active during the holiday season ! asking for economic equality. I felt possessed ! by that protesting energy…
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! ! ! !
Customer: Could you please stop the protest?
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Me: I am very sorry but I can’t do anything to ! stop the protest outside.
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Customer: (Clinking her champagne glass with ! the silverware as a sign that I need to refill it.) Clinking will get you ignored for at least 10 ! minutes. I am a waiter, not your slave… I had already my own little protest going on.
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Me: Here is your bill. (equal to $252.28) What was left in the check presenter, you ask?
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Customer: …and here you have $7 cash and ! $60 in gift certificates to the Williams Sonoma ! Store! !
! ! !
Me: Nice! (I declared myself the winner!) (One Week Later)
! !
Once at the location of the store Williams ! Sonoma a sign outside said: Out Of Business. ! Thank you very much Lady Ungenerosity!!
! ! !
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IT’S ALL ABOUT ME ( EGOISM )
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One by one I got screwed by all my customers! today. The tour de force was my four-top of ! snippy Brazilians who had spent the better ! part of my shift running me around for a million ! things, including an unexpected dessert after ! their tab was already closed.
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! !
Customer: Do you accept credit cards?
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Me: Yes, we do. I will split your $835.12 dollar ! check. The credit cards have been swiped and ! approved. !
! ! ! ! !
Me: Now, just sign here, you are all set. Customer: What am I supposed to sign?
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Me: (to Lady Fudge Egoism)The cardholder’s ! name please. ! Customer: “Obrigado” (“Thanks” in Portuguese) She proceeds to draw a picture of a naked ! lady- with large boobs -where her signature ! should be.
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Me: Uh Ma,am, I don’t think this is a valid ! signature. Customer: Just try it; it will work! Uh I need to ! stop drinking so much… The signature worked just fine, and each ! couple left me exactly one dollar as a tip.
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MY PET IS MY WORLD! ( GREED )
! ! ! !
Me: Welcome to Ta-boo’! How can I serve you?
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Customer: (with a heavy accent) How long is ! this going to take?
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Me: We are extremely busy today, it might take ! around 12 minutes to bring your food out.
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Customer: All right, we will share a soup, I will ! eat a Chicken and Pears PIZZA, and he will eat ! your mahi-mahi fish dish.
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Me: Thank you for waiting, here is your food.
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Customer: (with a heavier accent this time) ! Wrong order you know very well that we ! wanted the Chicken and Pears SALAD ! to save the greens for my baby pet, not this PIZZA. !
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Me: I am sorry, sir. Here is your SALAD.
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Customer: (to me) That is not all; we want ! milkshakes too. ! Customer: (to her husband in Spanish) This ! place is terrible, it is very slow, and our waiter ! is probably not very smart. (they laughed and ! continue making fun of me, asking for dessert, ! coffee, and lots of dishes to go.)
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Me: (in perfect Spanish, my first language) It ! was a pleasure to serve you today. ! Lady Greed spilled some coffee on herself.!
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THE “ALLERGY” GLAMOUR ( OBSESSION )
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We worked lunch shifts: 10:30 am till 4:30 pm, ! straight through. We rarely took even a 15 ! minute break, plus we had a ton of cleaning, ! set-up, and side work to do. I can still pinpoint ! my best days, remember them and laugh! For ! this story lets substitute “gluten” with ! “tomatoes” and “Celiac Syndrome” with ! “allergy.” !
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Customer: I am allergic and I’d like no ! tomatoes on my sandwich please.
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Me: Is your tomatoes allergy mild, serious, or ! severe?” ! Customer: Serious!
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Me: Okay, and you said you wanted fries with ! your sandwich (writing.) Would you like cajun ! mayo, ketchup, or mustard for dipping?
! ! ! !
Customer: Ketchup please. Me: Of course. Our manager may stop by your ! table to discuss your allergy with you. ! Customer: Why would the manager talk to ! me? ! Me: You said you have a major allergy to ! tomatoes. But you ordered your fries with KETCHUP... !
! !
Customer: (smiles glamorously)!
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