Articles from Portal Inspirational pentru Lumea Ta First-Aid tips to manage close persons who constantly complains 2014- 05- 12 20:05:49 D.O.R. Romania
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Do any of your close persons seem t o be relent lessly complaining, invading your personal space wit h a st eady st ream of personal problems and negat ivit y, leaving lit t le or no room f or you t o share your own emot ional lif e; ref using t o st op? Dysf unct ional Int erpersonal relat ionships such as t his are quit e prevalent wit hin t he general populat ion and t hey can t ake t heir t oll on your happiness. Managing wit h persons wit h whom you do not have a close relat ionship is quit e easy: you can ignore t hem or even avoid. But how do you handle close persons, part of your f amily, a work colleague or a close f riend?
Why people complaints? Some parent s t each t heir children indirect ly how t o complain inst ead of t aking responsibilit y whenever somet hing wrong happens. For example if t he kid f ell on t he f loor and cried some parent s beat t he f loor in f ront of t he kid, in ot her way t hey are t elling t he kid you are OK it ’s t he f loor’s mist ake!! Some ot her people have learned t o complain all t he t ime because of want ing t o be not iced. If a child wasn’t given enough at t ent ion t hen he might grow up t o become an adult who always complains. T he person who always complains does it f or a reason even if he isn’t aware of t hat reason. For example some people complain whenever t hey f ail just t o prove t o t hemselves and t o ot hers t hat t hey are wort hy and t hat t he f ailure wasn’t t heir mist ake. T hose people might be complaining because of t he f alse belief s t hey have about f ailure, in ot her words t hey t hink t hat f ailing will make t hem wort hless.
“A thankful person is thankful under all circumstances. A complaining soul complains even in paradise” - Bahaúllah T he f irst t hing you need t o do t o deal wit h people who complain all t he t ime is t o f ind out t he exact reason t hat is mot ivat ing t hem t o complain. Are t hey prot ect ing t heir self -worth? Are t hey af raid t o t ake responsibilit y? Do t hey want t o cat ch at t ent ion? Once you know t he reason you must be aware t hat most people will resist whenever you conf ront t hem wit h t heir real int ent ions and t hat ’s why you must be very caref ul not t o t ell t hem direct ly about what you f ound.
What’s in your mind when someone close to you keeps complaining? T he emot ions most of t en experienced are ones of resent ment and anger. You may f eel like you are caught in a t rap and t he more you st ruggle t o get out , t he t ight er become t he clamps and t he less f reedom you have. T hese f eelings are underst andable but t hey t end t o be driven by irrat ional t hought s t hat get in t he way of rat ionally addressing t he sit uat ion. If t his sounds like you, t hen it is import ant t o get clear on t he t hought process t hat is leading t o t hese st rong negat ive emot ions. Typically, it is driven by a syndrome of f ault y t hinking errors t hat can lead you t o self -def eat ing ret aliat e wit h anyt hing f rom name calling t o physical aggression. So what does t his self -dist urbing t hought process look like? General “emotional reasoning” process I must not be forced against my will to hear your constant complaining Therefore, it is awful that you just won’t stop. Therefore, I can’t stand it any longer Therefore I must do something to get you to stop
Does
either
of
these
think
Damning “emotional reasoning” process I must not be forced against my will to hear your constant complaining Therefore, it is awful that you just won’t stop Therefore, you are an awful person Therefore, I can’t stand you Therefore I must not put up with you anymore processes
resemble
your
own?
Because t he second process involves damning your close person, it is more likely t o promot e more aggressive responses, f or example, t hreat ening or even assault ing t he ot her. So you should consider how you are handling t he complaining. If you f ind yourself very angry, t hat is irat e, not just at t he complaining but at your close person as a person, t hen t he second damnat ory emot ional reasoning may mat ch your own. In any event , ident if ying your emot ional reasoning can help you t o ref ut e it bef ore it leads t o regret t able consequences. Here ref ut at ion means showing t hat it s premises are irrat ional. Toward t his end, let ’s look at t he damnat ory reasoning, which also cont ains t he irrat ional premises involved in t he nondamnat ory version. Not ice t hat , in t he f irst premise, you are saying t hat you must not be f orced against your will t o hear t he complaining. T his “MUST ” is import ant because it set s t he st age f or t he rest of t he inf erences you are making in your t hinking process. It indicat es a demand, not just a pref erence, t hat t he person complaining ceases his or her complaining. Demanding somet hing is very dif f erent f rom pref erring it , however. In demanding t hat your close person st op complaining you are cat apult ing your pref erence int o a law-like expect at ion like when you expect an object t hrown up t o come back down; and you are assuming t hat such a lawf ulness cannot and should not be ot herwise. But t his is clearly irrat ional, f or t here is no law of t he universe t hat says t hat your close person must cease his or her complaining. Of course, you want it t o be so; and surely it would be bet t er f or you if he or she did st op; but t hat is not t he same as t hinking t hat he or she must st op. Accordingly, you should back your must down t o a pref erence, f or it is irrat ional t o t hink t hat a person complaining must st op t he complaining as t hough t his were some t ype of law-like cosmic necessit y. Realizing t his can help put t he complaining int o a more rat ional perspect ive. For now you can see t hat t he second conclusion (“T heref ore, it is awf ul t hat you just won’t st op”) is irrat ional, t hat t he complaining, while not what you would pref er, really isn’t t he awf ul t hing t hat you t hought it was. Yes, there is “noise” in the universe; but there is also a considerable amount of order. Thus, you are not trapped in a chaotic universe that is flying out of
control. So you needn’t damn your close person f or doing such irreparable damage t o you or t he world. Indeed, you can condemn t he deed (t he persist ent complaining), but it is irrat ional t o damn t he person complaining. Perhaps he or she has also done some very considerat e t hings; perhaps he or she is t here f or you in t ime of need; perhaps you have had some nice t imes t oget her t oo; perhaps your sex lif e is quit e good. In any event, what is true of the part is not necessarily true of the whole, so even if you think that your close person’s complaining is no good, that doesn’t mean that he or she is also no good. T hus you can, in t his manner, ref ut e t he t hird damning premise t hat t he complaining person is an awf ul person. Accordingly, you can now also see t hat f ourt h damning conclusion t hat you can’t st and t his person is also irrat ional. For he or she is not really t his awf ul person who in any lit eral sense cannot be st ood or t olerat ed. Indeed, while you cannot st and t o be choked t o deat h, you can indeed st and t o hear complaint s. Of course, you do not like t he complaining and wish it would st op, but it is st ill somet hing you can st and, if you choose t o. Now, once your emot ional reasoning is so ref ut ed, you can const ruct a new, more rat ional t hought process in place of t he prior irrat ional one: Rational thought process I accept that your complaining is part of this imperfect world; even if it is one that I prefer not exist Therefore, I will confront with courage the challenge of dealing with your complaining Therefore, I will continue to respect you as a person even though I do not like the fact that you complain so much Therefore, I can and will tolerate you by remaining respectful toward you Therefore I will try to rationally address my issue with your complaining in a respectful way “Acceptance means no complaining, and happiness means no complaining about the things over which you can do nothing.” ― Wayne W. Dyer You may now f eel somewhat t orn bet ween t he prior irrat ional t hinking and t he present rat ional t hinking; f or you st ill may f eel t he f orce of t he irrat ional t hinking against t he t ide of t he rat ional t hinking. It may f eel like you are swimming upst ream in order t o heed t he rat ional t hinking. T his is a nat ural part of making const ruct ive change, however. Your goal should be t o wit hst and t his so-called “cognit ive dissonance” by exercising your “willpower muscles” in f avor of t he rat ional t hinking. T here are a couple of t hings you can do t o inf luence people like t his, but f irst , you need t o know what you can’t do (which is probably t he very t hing you want
t o do!)
What You Can’t Do Despit e how much we t ry t he t rut h of t he mat t er is we really can’t change anyone, part icularly t hose who are t hat ‘closed minded’, t hey have shut up shop. Somet imes, t he more t ime and energy we spend t rying t o change anot her person, regardless of how benef icial t hat change would be, t he more resist ant t o change (and quit e possibly resent f ul) t hey will become. T he real t rut h here is, we really only have the power to change ourselves. „Never speak disparagingly of others, but praise without distinction” – Abdu’l-Bahá However, depending on t he t ype of changes we make in ourselves, somet imes t hose very changes can bring about ef f ect ive changes in ot hers as a consequence - somet imes willingly, somet imes not . It ’s not t hat we can’t help, support or inf luence people out right in a posit ive way – we cert ainly can, but it ’s usually only when a person want s t o change t hemselves t hat t hey may be willing and open enough t o hear what we have t o of f er.
When change is f orced upon anot her, especially when t hey are very much set in t heir ways, it is ext remely rare t o f ind someone who will not become resist ant t o t hat change, no mat t er how well-meaning our int ent ions are. You see, regardless of how well and how caref ul we are in expressing ourselves, regardless of how respect f ul we may t hink we are being, t he underlying message t hat we relay t o a person whom we are t rying t o help and change is t hat t hey are ‘f lawed’, t hat t hey are in need of ‘f ixing’ and t hat t hey are t heref ore not accept able as t hey are. No one want s t o be considered t hat way, nor would t hey respond f avorably t o t hose labels regardless of where t hey might be on t heir own personal development journey and whet her t hey are open minded or not . Be t rut hf ul now, would you?
What You Can Do T here a number of t hings you can do: T here are “int ernal act ions” – t hose t hat help you cope, as well as “ext ernal act ions” – t hose t hat may, as a consequence bring about t he changes you desire in t he ot her person. T he more you adopt , t he bet t er your out come will be, especially if you are exposed t o someone wit h t hese t rait s on an ongoing basis.
Internal actions
Int ernal act ions are basically f inding ways in which YOU t hink dif f erent ly, ref raming a sit uat ion so t hat it has a more f avorable ef f ect on YOU. Internal T ip 1 T his t ip is part icularly ef f ect ive if you are t he t arget of t he complaint s. In your own mind, ask yourself , “I wonder what has happened in this person’s life to make them the way that they are?”. What t his does is t ake t he f ocus of f t he way t his person is af f ect ing you and put s t he f ocus on t hem. T he answer you come up wit h may just also bring you some insight and underst anding as t o why t hat person behaves t he way t hat t hey do. While it is not an excuse f or t hem t o do so, t here may be valid reasons behind t heir behavior. “I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.” ― Indian Proverb Internal T ip 2 Recognize and be grat ef ul t hat you yourself are open-minded and willing t o bot h cont inue growing in your own personal development and t o explore new possibilit ies. Somet imes we don’t realize how well we are doing nor how much f urt her along we are in lif e unt il we come across t hose who are st uck or not doing as well – so wit hin t he f rust rat ion t hat you might be experiencing when dealing wit h someone wit h t hese negat ive t rait s, t ake a moment t o recognize t he gif t and result s of your open mindedness and express genuine grat it ude f or it . “Complaining opens the door to conflict and thankfulness slams it shut!” ― Evinda Lepins Internal T ip 3 T his t ip may seem a lit t le out rageous but if you are able t o do it , it really does change your int ernal react ion (wit hout t he ot her person suspect ing a t hing!). Using your imaginat ion at t he t ime t he ot her person is complaining or nagging, in your mind, change t heir voice so t hat it sounds like Mickey Mouse and/or put circus music in t he background. Go one st ep f urt her and visualize t hem as a cart oon charact er and add a f unny act ion like t heir pant s f alling down. Now a word of caut ion – be respect f ul – t his is ONLY happening in YOUR mind f or YOUR benef it . Seriously, it works! “Life is like a rollercoaster with highs and lows. So quit complaining about it and enjoy the ride!” ― Habeeb Akande Internal T ip 4 Accept t hat t here are some people who will never change, despit e how much help, how much inf ormat ion is available and how much of a dif f erence it would make in t heir lives if t hey were t o accept and adopt it . We can never know every aspect of anyone’s lif e t o eit her underst and or judge why someone behaves t he way t hat t hey do – t here are f ar t oo many variables. So be accept ing of ot hers just as we ourselves wish t o be accept ed and respect ed.
“Resources are hired to give results, not reasons.” ― Amit Kalantri
External actions Ext ernal act ions are t hings t hat you physically do t hat bring about change primarily in yourself and in ot hers as a consequence. External T ip 1 When t he subject of a complaint is about why somet hing isn’t happening or why somet hing can’t be done, inst ead of you coming up wit h solut ions and suggest ions, inst ead of arguing, plant a seed in t heir mind and put t he onus back on t hem by asking t hem in a subt le manner, “so, how can you ….?” or “so, how could ….. come about ?” “We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.” William Arthur Ward External T ip 2 When most people cont inually repeat a behavior, regardless of how irrit at ing it is t o t hem or ot hers, you will f ind t hat t here is a secondary gain f or t hem t hat keeps t hem doing what t hey’re doing. For example, it may be t he only way in which t hey f eel (or do) get at t ent ion – negat ive at t ent ion is bet t er t han no at t ent ion at all, even if it ’s in t he way of an argument . If t his is t he case, cat ch t hem when t hey are doing somet hing t hat is more f avorable and bring more at t ent ion t o t hat behavior – make a comment , even praise t hem – do somet hing t hat will give t hem at t ent ion and encouragement f or t he behavior you want and you will see t he unwant ed behavior st art t o diminish. External T ip 3 Always be ready t o help, support and guide t his person should t hey decide t o
move out of t heir comf ort zone and ask f or your help. You will have much more of a posit ive impact on t hem when t hey seek your assist ance t han when you t ry t o impose it upon t hem. Have ot her resources on hand as well, recommend books, kindle books and audio books t hey can list en t o at t heir leisure. Even if t hey do not end up accept ing or act ing upon what you of f er, be sure t o st ill acknowledge t heir willingness t o have list ened t o you as it will encourage t hem t o possibly ask again. T hey may just need t o get used t o asking f or help a f ew t imes t o st art of f wit h bef ore t hey act ually t ake some act ion. “It’s not bad to cough. But cover your mouth when coughing. It’s not bad to complain. But cover your mouth when complaining, else you’ll spread infections of complains on us!” ― Israelmore Ayivor External T ip 4 Be a remarkable role model – people act ually learn more f rom wat ching what you do rat her t han being t old what t o do (especially children!) so show t hem your best . Some people will consider changing aspect s of t heir lif e only once t hey see t hat it is possible in t hose whom t hey know, part icularly if t hose people are close f riends and/or f amily members. Let t hem see you reading relevant books or bet t er st ill, if t hey are in t he same environment as you, list en t o relevant audio books or mp3 recordings out loud so t hey can’t help but overhear. “The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener— a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system.” ― Dale Carnegie External T ip 5 Following on f rom t he previous t ip and now knowing t hat you can only change yourself , be a lif elong learner and cont inue seeking and learning more about yourself by undert aking cont inual personal development in a f orm t hat suit s you. Personal Development is a huge f ield and is now available in many, many f orms including online and of f line courses, seminars, t hrough books, kindle books, digit al audio books, mp3 recordings, CDs, DVDs and more. Join groups, seek like-minded people and be willing t o move out of your comf ort zone on a regular basis t o experience lif e t o t he f ullest . Whet her it does end up bringing a consequent ial change in t he ot her person or not , you will def init ely be bringing posit ive change t o yourself . Keep in mind t hat even small improvement s also represent progress. But , at t he end of t he day, you will invariably live more f unct ionally, wit h less st ress, by accept ing t hat int erpersonal relat ions such as yours are part of an inherent ly imperf ect and f lawed societ y. Here is your opport unit y t o build your own charact er by courageously conf ront ing t hese imperf ect ions, while t reat ing your close person wit h respect , and rat ionally addressing t he t hings you would pref er t o change. Inspired by: ht t p://www.2knowmyself .com
ht t p://www.psychologyt oday.com ht t p://kat iejohnst one.hubpages.com Kredite online beantragen c re ditplus .de /Kre dite
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