Articles from Portal Inspirational pentru Lumea Ta How to listen with empathy 2014- 05- 21 13:05:53 D.O.R. Romania
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Empat hy is paying f ull at t ent ion t o what is going on in someone else’s mind. T he empat hy is part of t he 2 spect acular keys f or a healt hy relat ionship t hat we have present ed in a previous art icle: „list ening wit h empat hy” and „speaking wit h assert iveness”. To understand another person’s thoughts and feelings thoroughly,with the meanings they have fo rhim,and to be understood by this person in return–this is one of the most rewarding of human experiences,and all too rare – Carl Rogers Pay very close at t ent ion t o t he ot her person in order t o learn t hree t hings, and t hen say t hem as brief ly as you can in your own words: 1. How they feel (Try to name their feeling, e.g., “You sound relieved,” “You don’t look too happy,” “I imagine you must be frustrated”.) 2. What the feeling is about (What specific event or experience are they reacting to? What has happened?) 3. Why they are reacting this way (What specific need, belief or difficulty of theirs is making them react this way? In other words, what really matters to them?) T hen pause and keep paying at t ent ion, giving t hem t ime t o let of f st eam, t ime t o t hink, and t ime t o say more. When t hey do say more, repeat t he process. At f irst you may be uncomf ort able wit h t his way of list ening because you are not used t o it . But it is wort h persist ing, because if you do you will soon begin t o not ice t he sat isf act ion and pleasure it gives people when you t ry t o see t hings f rom t heir point of view. For t hem it will be a rare experience, and t he penny will event ually drop f or you t hat in giving t hem your at t ent ion in t his way you are giving t hem a generous gif t . T his is not a mechanical or art if icial t echnique, but a way of making a genuine connect ion. Every-day lif e provides f requent opport unit ies t o pract ice – as shown in t hese examples: Example 1
Imagine you are t rying t o get someone working f or you t o change t he way t hey do a part icular t ask. T hey say, “Okay, I’ll do it if you really want me to. But I’ve never done it this way before”. Now imagine yourself in t heir shoes in order t o select which of t he f ollowing t hree replies makes t hem f eel most underst ood:
A: Yes I do want you to. Thank you. B: You don’t sound very happy about it. It’s probably because you don’t like change. C: You don’t sound very happy about it. I sense you’re worried you’ll make mistakes if you change to the new method. I know how much it matters to you to get things right. Response A shows no empat hy at all, and risks t he t ask not being done t o your sat isf act ion. Response B picks up t heir reluct ance, but risks giving an insult by int erpret ing it in a way t hey would hardly be proud t o admit t o even if it were t rue, so t his is not really empat hy. Response C shows a more generous level of underst anding and connect s bet t er. If your guess about t he reason f or t heir reluct ance is wrong, t hey can easily put you right . By f inding out what is act ually bot hering t hem you are much more likely t o be able deal wit h t heir dif f icult y and get t he t ask done t o your sat isf act ion wit h t heir whole-heart ed commit ment . Example 2 Empat hy is of t en missing f rom our conversat ions. When it is present t he conversat ions are much more sat isf ying. Here is a f airly normal brief exchange wit hout empat hy. Imagine you are t he woman, and t ry t o sense t he at mosphere – how t he conversat ion is making her f eel:
HE: How was your day? SHE: Awful. HE: Me too. The car broke down. SHE: I’ve been telling you for weeks the car needs a service. My boss was in a bad mood again. HE: You should look for another job. How understood did she feel at the end of this conversation? Try to score how she felt on a scale from zero (= totally misunderstood) to 10 (= perfectly understood). Here they are again, but this time the man gives her his full attention, listening with empathy: HE: How was your day? SHE: Awful. HE: Sorry to hear that. SHE: My boss was in a bad mood again. HE: You sound very upset. SHE: I am! I’m beginning to think I should get another job. HE: It’s as serious as that then? SHE: Yes, it’s horrible being shouted at when all you’re doing is trying to help. It’s making me nervous about going to work in the morning. HE: That’s why you don’t feel you want to put up with it any longer.
SHE: Exactly! I think I’ll start making enquiries about other jobs in the morning. HE: I’m sorry it’s turned out this way. SHE: Me, too! How was your day? HE: The car broke down. I missed my appointment. SHE: How aggravating! You’ve been working so hard lately I’ve been worried about you. You haven’t even had time to service the car. How dif f erent was t he at mosphere t his t ime? How underst ood did t he woman f eel (0–10)? Not ice how t he empat hy she received creat ed an at mosphere in which she could also empat hize wit h him. Example 3 Here is a sit uat ion encount ered every day by sales people – a cust omer raises an object ion when an est at e agent is showing her around a house.
She says, “There isn’t much built-in cupboard space, isn’t it?” Imagine you are t he cust omer. How underst ood do each of t he t hree responses below make you f eel (0–10)? A: I see what you mean, but in view of the house’s many attractive features surely you agree its good value. B: Yes, but have you seen the garden? There’s room there to build as much storage space as you want. C: That obviously bothers you. I get the impression you like the house but can’t see where you would keep all your belongings. A and B are at t empt s t o reason wit h t he cust omer – but t he t rouble is she is unrecept ive t o reason because somet hing is bot hering her.
Response C helps her admit and express t he underlying f eeling, let of f st eam, clear her mind and t hink af resh. She would probably not have ment ioned t he built -in cupboard space unless she liked t he house, and if she really does like it you are helping her open her mind t o t he idea t hat t he t ime might have come t o get rid of some of t he clut t er she no longer needs. Why not experiment , when you have t he opport unit y, wit h your own responses t o t he t hings people say. Pay at t ent ion t o t he f eelings behind t heir words. You will soon experience t he dif f erence it makes when you set your own t hought s and f eelings aside in order t o give your f ull at t ent ion t o someone else. T he Series of art icles on LIST ENING WITH EMPATHY and SPEAKING WITH ASSERTIVENESS will cont inue t o be published in t he coming weeks. T o ensure t hat you read t he art icles as soon as t hey are published, YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE HERE T O OUR NEWSLET T ER. Vacanca - Ferienhäuser vac anc a.c o m
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