What is the big deal?

WHY DO WE NEED TO ADDRESS SEXUAL ABUSE AT ALL?

Skrevet av Mary Jo Sandholm

A 5 year old child, who hears footsteps heading to their room each evening and knows that their father will soon come and act out on them the secrets they must keep, the stories that could tear their family and their world apart.

A 10 year old who knows that it is her own fault, her love for attention, that keeps her older brother and his friend coming back to ask her to perform sexual acts on them.

A 15 year old who feels a pit in her stomach because she loves her boyfriend but hates the responsibility of the things she must do to help him not to feel so sexually frustrated.

A 15 year old boy who knows that in order to keep these friends he needs to go along with some of their sexual acting out with eachother … It makes him feel sick, but it’s not that big of a deal, is it?

A 25 year old wife who cries herself to sleep after sex because their cold interactions of the day culminate in sexual desires of her husband’s night that she feels she must fulfill in order to be a good, fun, Christian wife. Her husband knows she feels this way and promises to do better but it never changes.

Sexual abuse is a common occurrence in Norway. According to a recent study by NKVTS, 22 percent of youth in Norway have experienced sexual harassment or abuse from other youth, and 6 percent have experienced sexual abuse by adults.

All of these scenarios happen also in our church. And they tend to be confusing, overwhelming, and often infused with a sense of shame.

One aspect that makes many cases of sexual abuse particularly challenging is that most often it is perpetuated by a family member or close friend. This raises tons of questions about why they would do that if they love you, whose fault it is, the stress of carrying the secrets so the family won’t be torn apart, and because it is just so confusing especially to a smaller child to figure out what is actually healthy love and what is crossing boundaries, what is normal and what is not.

As Christians it can feel particularly upsetting: Why would God let this happen? Why didn’t our parents, teachers or pastors prepare or protect us? It may change inner dialogue to be full of shame and self-blame, and can lead to being further taken advantage of by others, leading to even more struggling.

Some of us that hear about or experience such things and justify them as, “It doesn’t have to be such a big deal… it is just one aspect of my life, I don’t want to deal with it” but in reality, our sexuality and the experiences we have can have lasting consequences. The good news is that they don’t have to if we face our past, take charge of our present with the support of God and others, and get help!

But what is the big deal? Why do we need to address sexual abuse at all?

There are thousands of research articles about sexual abuse because health care providers, mental health experts and researchers have realized what lasting consequences it can have. These consequences can manifest immediately, or they can take years. They can last a lifetime or be short lived. And the different reactions are numerous and diverse. But most of them can be traced back to the toxic stress that people experience as a result of the abuse. Their bodies release stress hormones, which change both the way their bodies work, as well as how their brains perceive life and react to stress. These changes can affect friendships/relationships, ability to focus and therefore learn and work, and contribute to physical illness. There are elevated inflammatory and immune responses. These changes in the body and brain may also impact behavioral choices, brain growth and the way a person develops mentally, emotionally and physically.

While it is too large of a list to name all possible outcomes, here are some of the most common responses. It is important to keep in mind that other causes of stress can illicit the same responses, so these are not definite signs that sexual abuse has happened, but they can be indicators that something stressful has happened, sexual abuse being one possibility.

In young children, it is often manifested in behavioral symptoms, such as bed wetting (even though they were previously potty-trained), changes in appetite, anger outbursts, nightmares, clinging or insecure behaviors, poor boundaries, and other symptoms of anxiety. We may often see sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age. Obesity is one of the earliest physical manifestations of toxic stress in a child but can be seen at all ages. It may be the

result of many different results of toxic stress: the body’s insulin becomes more resistant as a results of stress hormones, the body holds on to fat cells, and children eat as a means to comfort themselves. It appears from early research, that there are also epigentic factors that contribute. Some people that have experienced sexual abuse have expressed that being fat makes them feel safer. However, many people who are obese have never been abused.

In older children and youth we see the development of self-harming or promiscuous behaviors or eating disorders, anger out-bursts, withdrawal from social interactions, changes in self-care, increase in drinking or drug use, and depression.

In all ages we see changes such as general vague health problems such as headaches, stomach aches, not talking as much as usual/keeping secrets, and anxiety.

As those who have experienced abuse reach adulthood their symptoms may increase to more chronic illnesses, such as fibromyalgia, diabetes, obesity, depression and many others. They may experience anxiety, fear of new places or people, and struggle in their relationships, making keeping a job or finishing their studies particularly difficult. A healthy

sex life is also particularly challenging to achieve without help.

Fortunately, research shows that getting help can create a turning point toward healing, and it is never, ever too

late! Engaging in activities that decrease our stress responses are a key, and these include telling about the abuse to safe people so that you can get the help you need. If you don’t get help right away, tell someone else, and keep telling until someone pays attention. You are not alone. This happens to very many children, youth and even adults! Connecting with safe adults and other who have experienced abuse where you can ask questions, be angry, cry, tell all the details you feel you need to talk about, and feel validated and supported is crucial. This may take time, even years, but it is worth it to get the help you need so you can be healthy and happy and free. Other things that help to calm down the stress response is recognizing triggers that keep you reacting to situations around you that in some way remind you of the abuse or other stressors that were happening alongside the abuse. Recognizing and talking about these with safe people is also helpful. Other ways of cal-

ming down our stress response systems include, exercise, good nutrition, good sleep habits, meditation and prayer, and fellowship with others.

Norway is a fortunate country, because we actually have the only center in the world that we know of that is specifically for children and youth to begin healing from sexual abuse. It is called Stine Sofie senteret and you can be referred there by your fastlege. You will be able to stay at a beautiful resort center and attend groups with other children, youth and families that have experienced abuse. It does not cost anything.

Lastly, research has shown that faith, or a belief in a God that cares and sees you, can be very healing. If you haven’t already done so, consider telling God

about the abuse too. Maybe get really mad at Him, cry and scream at Him, and let Him hold you when you are ready. Your sorrow, grief, anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal can never be too much for Him. He is patient and long-suffering, and He feels your pain with you and one day has promised to make all things new.

DET ER ALLTID HJELP Å FÅ!

Alarmtelefon for barn og unge: ring 116111 www.116111.no Har du opplevd overgrep bør du lese mer om hjelp du kan få her: www.dixi.no/hjelp/ Eller her: www.stinesofiesenteret.no/ Er du bekymret for noen kan du sende barnevernet en bekymringsmelding her:

Lær mer om overgrep mot barn her: www.reddbarna.no/vart-arbeid/barn-inorge/vold-og-overgrep/seksuelle-overgrep-mot-barn/

Kilder: Augusti GSHoE-M. Ungdoms erfaringer med vold og overgrep i oppveksten: En nasjonal undersøkelse av ungdom i alderen 12 til 16 år. Oslo, Norway: NKVTS - Nasjonal kompetansetjeneste om vold og traumatisk stress; 2019 2019.

https://www.bufdir.no/Nedsatt_funksjonsevne/ Vern_mot_overgrep/Vold_og_overgrep_mot_barn_og_ unge_med_funksjonsnedsettelser/Tegn_pa_vold_og_ overgrep/Seksuell_vold__seksuelle_overgrep/

https://www.helsebiblioteket.no/fagprosedyrer/ferdige/seksuelle-overgrep-mot-barn

https://voldsveileder.nkvts.no/blog/innhold/risikofaktorer-og-tegn-2/seksuelle-overgrep/

Harris NB. The Deepest Well. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt; 2018.

Gardner R, Feely A, Layte R, Williams J, McGavock J. Adverse childhood experiences are associated with an increased risk of obesity in early adolescence: a population-based prospective cohort study. Pediatr Res. 2019 Oct;86(4):522-528. doi: 10.1038/s41390-019-0414-8. Epub 2019 May 13. PMID: 31086283.