MEN AND FOOTBALL

Calm down, ladies. I cannot take credit for writing that. Please don’t go Tom Brady on me and deflate a football so you can successfully shove it up my derriere. Those words actually came from a Facebook meme.

I’ve interviewed numerous plastic surgeons, but I’ve never heard one talk about surgically removing a football from a man’s backside. From that, I can confidently conclude that no man in Lake County ever uttered those words to his wife.

That said, since college football and the NFL officially kick off this month, I thought it would be an appropriate time to examine man’s bizarre fascination with football.

You see, part of being a man means plopping down on Saturdays and Sundays to root for our favorite football teams. We cheer wildly when a defensive player makes a hardhitting tackle, and we even yell at the television to let a coach know he called a dumb play…as if there’s a snowball’s chance in Hades he can actually hear us or cares what we think.

tackle, and we even at a called a dumb if there’s a can hear us or cares what we think. And after we’ve hours

And after we’ve spent hours watching OTHER people making tackles or throwing a football, male football fanatics proudly claim that “we” won or “we” lost. In reality, the only thing “we” accomplished is packing on a few pounds courtesy of the beer, chips, and salsa. which, to us, is more American than hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet. And it sure beats attending an art exhibit, going to a friend’s wedding, or spending a night out on the town dancing.

Our obsession with football also brings out the hypocrite in us. We may take an anti-gay stance, but we have no problem wearing the jersey of our favorite male football player with his last name emblazoned across our back. We drink beer and smoke cigarettes during the game, but then we blame our favorite football team’s struggles for slowly killing us. We tell our children to quit fighting, and then we engage in a childish myteam-is-better-than-yours argument with our buddy. We may forget today is garbage day, but we’ll never forget the two years Florida defeated FSU to deny the Seminoles a national championship (1996 and 1997, thank you very much).

But we love our families more than anything. Please don’t forget that as we’re glued to the television set this month watching the Gators, Seminoles, Hurricanes, Dolphins, and Buccaneers. It’s just that every now and then it’s nice to escape the everyday demands of work and family obligations.

I’m a male football fanatic who’s not married. But if I were, I would NEVER tell my wife to be quiet until February. Not only is it wrong, but I’d also fear the painful repercussion mentioned above.

Well, I have to abruptly end this article. My beloved Kentucky Wildcats are only minutes away from their season opener against Southern Mississippi. No phone calls or text messages, please.

Yes, our super male fandom is odd, and we’re of it. We love the

Yes, our super male fandom is odd, and we’re proud of it. We love the sport,

I’ll be available first thing Monday morning.