Akwaaba Family Magazine Fall 2015 Edition by Akwaaba Family Magazine

LOVE & MARRIAGE

In FOCUS

LIFESTYLE

COVER STORY

Surviving the Adventures and Misadventures of Romantic Relationships.

Crucial Health Conversations We [Not only Men] Conveniently Ignore.

Ditch your Preconceived Expectations before You Pull your Hair Out

When You Wake Up Someday to the Reality that Your Child isn't Einstein, Please Don’t Freak Out

HOOK ME UP

ALSO IN THIS ISSUE 06 DECODING YOUR TEENAGER’S SILENCE. Nurturing Relationships with your Teenager takes Effort and a Lot of Patience.

11 STARTING COLLEGE AT 45. Sacrifice, Rewards, Net Worth, Self-Confidence, and Future. Which way is Up?

18 WHY YOUR KIDS DREAD 4TH GRADE. Psychological and Developmental Factors, and What Parents Can Do about Them.

24 AM I TOO SEXY FOR SUNDAY CHURCH? Is there a Dress Code for Church or all that Matters is a Person’s Heart?

26 HERITAGE AFRICA Important Facts your child [and many Adults must know immediately .

28 6 HABITS OF VERY HAPPY FAMILIES. Simple Everyday Tips to Help Turn your Family into a Happy One

31 LETTERS TO SISTER AKOS

35 LET’S TALK ABOUT BULLYING.

© 2015. All Rights Reserved Corporate: Akwaaba Family Magazine P.O. Box 1322 Manassas, VA 20108 Tel: (703) 395-0534 Fax: (571)207-6102 www.AkwaabaOnline.com Press & Media: Overbrook Press & Graphics/NY Atlantic BG —Media Division/Houston

Straight Talk Responses to

Caring Adults have an Important

Letters from our Readers.

Role to Play to Prevent Bullying.

COMING IN the next ISSUE: THE UGLY SIDE OF SOCIAL MEDIA

FROM THE EDITOR

VOL. 3 ISSUE 3 FALL 2015

AKWAABA FAMILY MAGAZINE

Not Always as Easy as 1-2-3 B

ack to School can be fun or a headache depending on how full your plate gets at this time of the year. If all you have to worry about is one child in kindergarten you wouldn’t lose as much hair as the mother with two kids in high school. Either way we have some excellent articles and ideas for you. Also, just in case your child is not Einstein, you don’t have any cause for concern; we covered that too. Our guest writer pokes holes (harmlessly, of course) into individual notions about appearance at public functions, in this case, the church. The article that had our staff laughing all week was about dating. Finding a love connection but without any guarantee of a spark. We think the piece on blended families is important, and very timely. Like it or not the family portrait has changed a bit, but rather than dwelling on family structures and societal challenges, our concern in this issue is giving blended families useful tips for building a successful family, and enjoying the process. What began with a simple conversation in an editorial session stole the show this summer and is forcing our team to introduce a new column starting with the Fall 2015 issue. We will call this Heritage Africa. The media has botched the conversation on Africa through the years. What sells (therefore what the media shows) is the arid deserts, wild animals everywhere, and people starving like the little boy in the Feed the Children infomercial who is too hungry to even swat a fly from his face. We know that is so far from the truth, and hopefully we can use the opportunity to educate ourselves, and our friends around the world also. We wrap up his issue on an important note, encouraging parents to take active steps to help put a stop to bullying. Every one can do their part, being vigilant, and speaking up. After a summer of trips, weddings and a few awkward parties, we hope to get our readers back on track with fun but invaluable ideas in this issue. Until next time, encourage one another, and let grace find a home in your heart. Have a great time getting back to school. Sincerely, E. Obeng-Amoako Edmonds Editor@AkwaabaOnline.com

PUBLISHER

NANA MANTEAW ANOBAH EDITOR

E. OBENG-AMOAKO EDMONDS ASSOCIATE EDITOR

SAM MINTAH

PARENTING EDITOR

BRUWAA ANOBAH ADVERTISING / SALES MANAGER NICHOLAS ANOBAH KWASI AWORTWI CONTRIBUTORS NATHAN ABABIO JASMINE BAAH WIREDU NIIKOI TETTEH-COMMEY CHRISTOPHER ODOI SACKEY DELA AGBEBOR BARIMA ASARE PRISCILLA KORANTENG CHRIS-VINCENT AGYAPONG FEBIRI RESEARCH JEREMY H. BOATENG KEVIN MYERS-CLENDON

Akwaaba Family Magazine is a quarterly publication by Akwaaba News Network. The magazine is distributed free through libraries, community centers, African markets, local churches, advertisers, and family –oriented businesses in the United States. We invite you to visit us online at www.AkwaabaFamilyMagazine.com for upcoming events, resource lists and many more. Be sure to sign up for our free e-newsletter. Any reproduction of this publication, in whole or in part, is strictly prohibited without the written permission from the publisher. For advertising rates and details, see the advertising section of our website, or contact our sales and advertising representatives directly with an email to advertising@AkwaabaOnline.com or call 703-3950534

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or many parents, one of the most challenging notions to come to grips with is the fact that your son or daughter has issues that weigh on them, or give them sleepless nights. After all, you are the parent, and you have walked in the shoes your child wears now, so you know that what they are dealing with doesn’t matter in the big picture. Your teenager is happy to shut off the world and all the life that had once been fun to him. He shuts himself off even from family. Problem is, your child doesn’t see the “big picture,” and in the interest of fairness, every parent knows what they know about teenagers because of their wisdom through the years and the benefit of hindsight. But your son and daughter doesn’t yet have the luxury of hindsight. So when they think their work is falling apart, do not dismiss them. As simple as this advice may sound, it is probably one of the hardest things for most parents to embrace. Add into the equation a mother or father who grew up anywhere in Africa where they supposedly didn’t have the comforts that their children have now, and the equation just gets even more complex. So you have a teenager who is so upset that he does not want to talk. Some people refer to this as the “no talking” phase. It gets tricky when the child goes through the strange cycle where he enjoys talking to one parent, and shows no interest in talking to the other. Silence is not the end of the world. Before you hit the panic button, there is nothing you are probably doing wrong as a parent, and it is completely natural for a parent to want to know what is going on a child’s life. The most important thing to remember is that your child can say a whole lot through his actions, so you still can pick up basic non-verbal clues by paying attention and doing your absolute best by being present. First, there is no need to blow a gasket. Patience pays incredible dividends when your teenager is struggling to understand that parents care about them, and that parents’ sole mission is not to make their lives miserable. Second, enjoy their presence despite their lack of communication. I know what you are thinking -- a-w-k-w-a-a-r-d. Yes, it may seem and even feel awkward, but the important thing to realize is that there is tremendous value in expressing genuine warmth. Many parents suggest teenagers use “silent treatment” as a mechanism to freeze parents out, and forces parents to leave them alone. This is why you are the adult-- don’t get sucked onto their tantrum turf. Keep the communication lines open, and let them know you care without being overbearing. Muscle your way through the discomfort because getting through to your teenager is one of the most important tasks you will have as a parent. It is perfectly fine for your teenager to live through disappointment and even get upset. Such is life. Sooner or later they will have to develop their problem-solving skills and coping mechanisms, but it is counterproductive for parents to get into the silent treatment ring with your child to show them who is the boss. Decoding your teenagers’ silence can feel daunting and stressful but you have every arsenal in your parent toolbox to pull it off. By Kayode Chinwenzu

NURTURING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEENAGER TAKES TIME, EFFORT, AND A LOT OF PATIENCE . . .

In FOCUS

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Hook Me Up. . But It Better Work Out Easy to forget that the most OBNOXIOUS, FILTHY, INCONSIDERATE AND RUDE PEOPLE also have friends, brothers and sisters who will swear that they are the BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.

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Newsflash: there is no guaranteed strategy to find your soulmate. No dating site or crystal ball can guarantee you will find your perfect match anytime soon. You will think adults will know and appreciate this simple truth, but when it comes to love, people get completely delirious and unreasonable. It is all fine and dandy when someone whispers about the cute guy or girl they know who would be a perfect person to meet. Unless they are a professional matchmaker who offers their services for a fee, there is no contract involved, and certainly no assurances included. Not even E-Harmony or Match.com can give you anything more than options and possibilities. A long time ago, most people of African descent lived their whole lives in their own countries and towns and villages. Life was much simpler, and meeting people for potentially romantic relationships, love and marriage wasn’t too much like rocket science. People lived in communities, and attended school and churches with potential suitors, so by the time they were ready for a partner, there was a pool of candidates to pick from. This was the case for both men and women, and just in case a person was taking a much longer time than expected to decide on a potential suitor, the family would step in with a list of recommendations. Life was relatively straightforward. Arranged marriages came out of this context, but so did the basic “hookup”, which is the introduction of one person to another for the sake of developing a love interest. In recent years, many young men and women from African countries end up overseas to continue their education or in search of a better life. Some young men and women leave behind people they knew, other they admired, and some of whom they once considered their love interests. Some hope to be back home soon after their studies, but life took a slightly different turn with internships and job searches, and returning home takes much longer than originally planned.

Finding love becomes a tricky adventure. Friends introduce friends to brothers, sisters, cousins, and old schoolmates. Church members attempt to help eligible bachelors and spinsters with Singles Ministries, especially when groups like the choir and ushering team don’t attract them. If a person attends a church largely made up of his own nationality, he gets a pool to choose from, albeit a much smaller pool. Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a great platform to find people in networks and politely ask for introductions if you can garner enough confidence to afford to look strange. FaceTime and Skype makes distance almost a non-issue, at least in the short term, while people get to know each other better. So there is hope.

But what if the cute introductions and hookups don’t turn out just as we expect? Let’s face it, not every “hook-up” will lead to a trip down the aisle. I would hate to be a Debbie Downer but the most obnoxious, filthy, inconsiderate and rude people also have friends, brothers and sisters who will swear that they are the best thing since sliced bread. They are also in the pool waiting for you to find them, so no wonder it is a madhouse out there. In all fairness, the people who are happy to recommend their friends, cousins and coworkers have not been on a date with this person who may very well be the obnoxious, filthy, inconsiderate and rude person, so no wonder they think that person is perfect for you. In many cases, it is when the images in our minds doesn't measure up to the reality on the ground that the frustration sets in. Usually the first person we unleash our wrath upon is the well-meaning person who often introduced the two people in good faith. How could they have known that the person would have ended up to be such a blunder?

Not every hook-up will be worth your time, but the process itself may very well be worth it. For every person you meet in whom you discover one thing that you detest, you get one step closer to finding what you really want and what that ideal person would look like. Physical appearances aside, the best way to know yourself is to take the time to have genuine conversations with people who may challenge you to see the world in a different way. Who knows, the person you know may know someone whom you otherwise would never had known if you hadn’t taken the leap of faith. Enjoy the process, don’t make any promises along the way, and be honest enough to say goodbye when goodbye is the best thing to say. If all “hook-ups” worked, there wouldn’t be one unmarried person on planet earth. One of the most difficult realizations is to come face-toface with the fact that you may like someone who is not the least bit interested in you, or vice versa. There is nothing wrong with this uncomfortable reality, and it shouldn’t leave you frustrated. Your mother, pastor or home girls don’t have any secret sauce to picking out the person of your dreams. Fitting a square peg in a round hole is always a proverbial mismatch, and the same is true when it comes to finding love. Don’t take it personally if you feel rejected.

By all means, don’t feel obligated to fall in love with the first person you meet in your effort to be nice to the person who introduced you to the potential suitor. Falling in love is a beautiful process, and while the opportunity to find your Mr. or Ms. Right could come with its own surprises, remain open, be honest with yourself, and hope for the best. By Jasmine Baah Wiredu

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Start with classes that don’t make you dizzy. Rushing to enroll in Accounting and Trigonometry classes will bring you back down to earth. Enthusiasm is no substitute for actual knowledge, so don’t trick yourself to believing that you can paddle your way through the classes that require some additional foundation.

NS TO IMPLICATIO S U O M R O E HAVE EN FUTURE. OUR OWN E SACRIFIC Y H T D F N O A , S E D C R -CONFIDEN THE REWA RTH, SELF O W T E N YOUR OWN

Intimidating? Yes. Almost confusing? You bet. Rewarding? Absolutely. If a person has stepped away from the classroom for a number of years, getting back into the groove of learning and doing homework can feel a bit strange. I know this because I just graduated at age 49. Thanks to adult education initiative, the stigma that hung around mature students going back to school like a thick cloud has gradually given way to a society where it is never too late to go back to school.

s with any pursuit, a person will be rusty if he has not practiced for a while. Education is an even more complicated beast because the brain cells are not very forgiving. If the last time you saw an algebraic equation was 20 years ago, you would be unwise to ignore the steep learning curve that you will have to go through. That is why it is intimidating. The rewards of going back to school come with fulfilling a dream or your personal expectations. You may have heard before that education is a gift to yourself that no one can ever take away from you. That alone makes the journey worthwhile, and so when the long days and nights come (and they will come), keep your focus on the big picture. For most people, community college is great entry point. This is usually because while the workload may not be any different from a traditional four-year college, smaller classes mean a little more attention from teachers to assist you if needed. The bonus is that you are more likely to find other people who are in the same boat as you, and they may very well become your much needed support system in the most critical period of your life back in college. This advice goes for every student but particularly for older students. Have a good reason for going back to school and stick with it. The reason ought to be good because there will be countless times that you will be tempted to throw in the towel.

o matter what happens in your life, don’t take a semester off. As simple and almost inconsequential as this may sound, the probability of going back to school once you take a break is very low. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself why it has taken you 20 years to get back to the classroom. When all else fails, at least enroll in one class. My favorite class was Speech 101 because all I needed to do was show up and start talking. That was a guaranteed A for me, and the boost I needed to get back into the grind. To be successful in college as an adult student, there is a long list of things that you should be careful to avoid. First, don’t judge, cut the kids some slack, and remember you were 19 once. Most kids are happy to leave home for college, and in most cases homework and failing grades are the last things on the minds of freshmen. Secondly, you’re not in school to babysit. Your good intentions can quickly backfire and you will become the old creep in the back of the classroom that everyone shuns. You may have had a nightmare high school experience, but college can quickly become déjà vu if you miss the bar. It is worth repeating, - stay focused. Social media won’t do your homework for you, so just before you join all online networks that your classmates are jumping onto, remember they did not leave their wives and kids at home. The teachers may be in your age group, but they are not your buddies. You school mates will see that you are trying too hard to belong, and in most cases, you will not score any cool points. Like they say, the old man in baggy jeans at the club is still too old to be in the club. Finally, my advice to every mature student is to bring something to the table. After all you’ve been there, and done that, so this is not the time to be mediocre. As and Bs are still cool like it was back in the day, and if you do the work, you will not have to be chasing around professors like a Pavlovian dog at the end of the semester looking for extra credit.

alancing work, family and life can be tough when you choose to pile on college life onto those. Believe in yourself, and give it your best effort. Who knows, you may very well be an inspiration to someone else. By Dela Agbevor

LIFESTYLE

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WHAT IS KILLING OUR YOUNG MEN?

or young people, making funeral arrangements are the farthest away from their minds. And why shouldn’t it? Being young generally means you have a whole lifetime still ahead of you, to enjoy family, children, your hard work, and see your dreams come true. It turns out that such romanticized image of youth went out of the window a long time ago but we never came to terms with the harsh truth. Young men are dying everywhere you turn, and for every one of such cases you hear, it comes with the same question, “What is killing our young people?” It would nice to know the answer to this question but we came to terms a long time ago with the idea that we cannot play God, so we won’t even try. What we can do, however, is to ask the simpler questions, and promote a dialogue that can encourage young people to play an active role in their health. Akwaaba Family Magazine’s Parenting Editor Bruwaa Anobah sat down with Dr Nana Armah Gaisie, an internist at the Cox Health Hospital to discuss this topic and to hopefully shed light on some fundamental issues young people generally shove aside. We don’t know what [certainly not who] kills our young men, but maybe some of the excellent talking points will continue the dialogue in your homes and your communities.

Bruwaa Anobah (BA): Let me start with this, - Ghanaian journalist in the UK, Komla Dumor passed recently, and had a lot of people wondering what happened. Did that shock you? Dr. Gaisie: Oh yes. That caught everyone off guard, and our hearts still go to his family. No one saw that coming, and this is something young people don’t even think about at all. BA: And why is that typically the case? Dr. Gaisie: Well, it is a combination of things. In the African societies, death is not a conversation you have with anyone, so generally anything that insinuates death doesn’t even get into our consciousness. Then there is the “forever young syndrome”, which has given us reason to assume that we leave life in the same sequence we came in, so our grandparents, and parents have to die, before it gets to our turn. Of course that is a wrong assumption but that is a young person’s world view. BA: What kills more people, infectious diseases or noncommunicable diseases? Dr. Gaisie: The statistics vary from year to year, but looking at the recent data point from World Health Organization (WHO), noncommunicable diseases were responsible for 68% of all deaths globally in 2012, up from 60% in 2000. So the trend is upwards. The four main noncommunicable are cardiovascular diseases, cancers, diabetes and chronic lung diseases. Communicable, maternal, neonatal and nutrition conditions collectively were responsible for 23% of global deaths, and injuries caused 9% of all deaths.

BA: And I assume the difference is not too significant between low-income and high income countries? Dr. Gaisie: Actually it is pretty significant. Or maybe a better way to restate it is that different things kill people in different places.

BA: And obviously that is why it is a bit difficult to pinpoint a cause. Dr. Gaisie: Yes. Men are slightly interesting case studies. I’ll give you an example of a Ghanaian man who eats all the banku and fufu they can, drink all the beer, they can find.

BA: Let me ask you a question about a bothersome statistic. Men commit suicide at a rate of 3 to 1 to women. What is going on with that? Dr. Gaisie: The WHO puts the global ratio around 2:1. Different people give their own explanations for this, largely because no one really knows the whole truth. One thought is that men are often taught to be "masculine" or “macho” and to suppress emotion, so they aren't asking for help when they need it most, and so by the time we find out it is almost too late.

BA: So would you say the issue is with the type of food we eat? Dr. Gaisie: To a large extent, yes. Mind you they have never stepped in the gym before, and have no plans of walking even around his neighborhood. Unlike women who generally have to worry about their weight, most men don’t think too much about such issues. Because of this, men tend to eat and drink anything, and before you know it, the wheels are falling off with diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and just about every other disease.

BA: Do you see this play itself again in the number of medical screenings for men? Dr. Gaisie: As a medical professional, I will say there are many excellent opportunities for everyone to take preventive measures to health. Most people don’t take advantage of them. Evidence suggests that fewer men will go for their annual check up, see a dentist or talk to a pharmacist. Men tend not to talk about health. They are likely to talk about sports, women, cars and politics. Men in general feel they are invincible and have a reluctance to seek help or ask questions abut anything. BA: But won’t the physical help detect issue before they get worse? Dr. Gaisie: That is precisely the point. But maybe that is a memo most men didn’t get. We are working on it though. There is hope. BA: Do you think that is what happened in the case of Komla Dumor? Dr. Gaisie: I don’t know, and even if I wanted to speculate, I won’t even know where to begin. A person’s health is a function of many complex events including diet, exercise, adequate rest, absence of stressors, and a long list. So the best thing for everyone – not just men – is to be mindful of how our daily actions are adversely affecting our health.

BA: Wouldn’t you say that is where the spouses can step in? Dr. Gaisie: Yes, but wives and spouses are not babysitters. Men have to take the responsibility and know that everything we do in life has an impact on our life and health, negative or positive. BA: What is the number one killer of most men? Dr. Gaisie: According to a recent statistic from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), heart disease is easily leading causes of death, sometimes even as high as 80 percent in men. That alone is a good enough reason for men to wake up. BA: You mean take preventive steps? Dr. Gaisie: The good news is that many of the causes can be prevented, men can take steps to avoid them by knowing the symptoms, by having regular checkups by a doctor or health care provider. That is a big step. Simple things like eating a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol and high in fiber, keeping a healthy weight, and getting regular exercise. The American Heart Association recommends at least 30 minutes of moderateintensity aerobic activity at least 5 days per week for a total of 150 minutes, and an average 40 minutes of moderate- to vigorous-intensity aerobic activity 3 or 4 times per week for lowering blood pressure and cholesterol.

BA: We can’t have this conversation without mentioning the ugly C word Dr. Gaisie: Ugly word. What we know is that the leading causes of cancer death in men are lung cancer, prostate cancer and colorectal cancer. The numbers can get scary, but that's why its important to have an annual visit with your GP or primary care provider who will order an age appropriate cancer screening test. That helps in detecting cancer at an early stage. Again, there is no substitute for regular checkup and taking care of yourself. And like anything, early detection can save lives BA: Do you see that in local communities, people are taking these realities a lot more seriously, or just about the same? Dr. Gaisie: I would say that overall, there is a good sense of awareness in communities to educate people, - both men and women — with occasional screenings and health fairs. It is important however to paint the right picture that its about paying attention to your lifestyle, and making choices in your daily habits that wouldn't adversely affect you own health. Over and over we are detecting some of these diseases at the early stages, and while there is work to do still, it is fair to assert that we have made a lot of progress. BA: This is a conversation we have to pick up next time, a lot more to cover, but hopefully the message is that men [and women] must play an active role in their own health. Dr. Gaisie: Well said. And it’s really that simple. BA: I thank you very much for making the time for us. Dr. Gaisie: Thank you also.

Dr. Nana Gaisie is an Adult Medicine Hospitalist for Cox Health in Springfield, Missouri. He is Member American College of Physicians, American Medical Association and Ghana Medical Association

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AVOIDING THE BLENDED FAMILY SINK-HOLE The last time I heard, a whopping 75 percent of women and 85 percent of men remarry after divorce. Half of these are remarried within the first five years, so step-families have become a common family structure, not only in the United States, but even in African countries.

On the upside, each group comes with lessons learned from past relationships, so it is reasonable to assume that the adults will have a lot more wisdom well water to draw from.

As you may imagine, every family comes with its unique challenges and daily struggles, and just in case you are not convinced, look back at your own. For this reason, blended families add a new dimension of complexity but often we find that the adults who set this stage treat it as though the families are not blended. Regardless of what “understanding” and fancy names you give to yourself to skirt the issue, the fact remains that a successful blended family will require a little more strategy and prayer to make things work than a non-blended One. Being a step-parent is no easy gig. It is almost as thankless as being a politician, except that a step-parent can reap rewards of a carefully woven family, while the politician can never get everyone applauding even their most noble of efforts. But it comes with challenges, many of which are impossible to prepare for. There is perhaps not a more dangerous pitfall than when a step-parent tries to "parent" too soon or comes into a relationship with unrealistic expectations. Some marriage counselors suggest that it may take three to five years and many family discussions to truly blend the family. There is always the opportunity to provide a supportive and loving environment where the adults and the children can genuinely excel as a unit and appreciate their differences.

Unfortunately, and more often than not, the well dries up quickly and turns into a sinkhole that soon sends the family into even more chaos. We dug around for three things to avoid when combining families: Avoid interference with the child's relationship with the non-custodial parent There is always going to be the influence of the “real” mother or father. There is no way around that. While that arrangement may be uncomfortable, and frankly, sometimes you may wish that person was either dead or in jail, they are not dying anytime soon, and certainly have no plans to change their address to the county jail’s. You cannot replace the biological parent, regardless of how pathetic you think they are or how irresponsible they have been to the child. Just in case you don’t believe it, ask the man who did all he could to become the “real” father to a young girl for 20 years only for her to need her “real” father to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. The stepfather nearly fainted, but that was a ditch he dug for myself.

Avoid the hope to be instantly loved Little known fact about step parents: children often see you as whatever is wrong with the universe. At least in the beginning, the children even think you are the reason why their parents went through the divorce or separation, as if you had been waiting next door all your life. As ridiculous as this may seem, this is just how a child processes your sud den entrance , hence there is no love cookie waiting for you. Get with the program. After all, you fell in love with the man or woman, but it didn’t come with an assurance that the kiddos would be falling head over heels for you as well. It may be intimidating and uncomfortable, but do your best and be your authentic self. Avoid rigid expectations about your new family Preconceived expectations will drive you nuts. Both families are coming into the new family with their own baggage. You will have to relearn almost everything you have learned in your previous relationship because you are dealing with a completely new audience, some of whom may not be friendly. In the end, a blended family can be a beautiful experience and a chance for a clean slate when death, divorce or some other separation creates such union. While the new relationship will make the adult feel rejuvenated with a refreshing change, it can be confusing and scary for your children.

Your priority and primary responsibility as a parent in a blended family is the welfare of the children, so when you have tried all you can, get professional parenting advice. We wish you all the best and a happy family. By Niikoi Tetteh-Commey

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Is your child a genius . . Or that’s just what you think? WHERE ALONG THAT CONTINUUM DOES ENCOURAGEMENT FALL FLAT ON ITS FACE AND REALITY SET IN?

ver since the beginning of time, parents cheering on their kids is something all of us have come to expect, so that in itself is not a novel sentiment. There is nothing wrong with that. Even before the day a child shows up in kindergarten, most parents see the next Einstein or the next Archimedes waiting in the wings, and there is nothing anyone can tell them that would make them think otherwise. Just in case you have fallen into this mental trap before, maybe in your haste to celebrate their successes, your toddler’s ability to remember the alphabet – even in any sequence – is earth shattering enough to make him or her a little genius. At least in your own eyes. And there is nothing wrong with that. Fast forward to first grade, and then second, and third, and on and on. Through the years, the little genius gets a harsh dose of academic reality, but parents are still happy to live in the same bliss from years gone by. Everyone’s child is a genius, still. But whose child is the one who struggles in school, and can barely identify the first two letters in the alphabets? I can bet you that, if you ask their parents, they’ll say that little boy or little girl is a genius too. At least that’s what someone once told him or her. What is a parent to do when he or she suddenly wakes up to the reality that their third grader still only remembers alphabets in the same wonky sequence that made the world smile not so long ago?. When math and reading have become a daily struggle and the thought of going back to school makes a child cringe, what is a parent to do? TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION The encouraging thought is that it is never too late to get your child’s academic aptitude on track. This takes a very optimistic outlook on life and assumes that every child – irrespective of cultural and social background – has a propensity to excel. When a parent sees a child lagging behind in school work, it is important to remember that there is some catching up to be done to bring the child up to par. Taking immediate actions may mean getting a tutor, or getting involved as the tutor. In the formative stages of a child’s development, an assertive parent can quickly put the train back on the rails, but the parent has to act quickly.

ASSESS CORRECTLY. TRUST YOUR HUNCH Contrary to what we are made to believe, thanks to social media and television, pills don’t solve everything. If you think your child has a problem, you child probably does. But it is incredibly important that you not be lured by quick fixes to buy into what appears to be a solution which in fact gives birth to a problem even more complex than what you were trying to resolve in the first place. Seek second, third and fourth opinions before you sign up your child for special needs. Children are eager to explore the world around them, and often that manifests in hyperactivity and a lack of attention. While it is important to not discredit medical conditions, the school’s psychologist can be also be wrong. Trust your hunch.

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It is not the school’s fault, the government didn’t fail your child, and it certainly has nothing to do with the brand of milk you fed your child five years ago. DON’T GET CAUGHT IN THE BLAME GAME Teachers are the usual suspects because parents have gradually signed onto the idea that it is their responsibility to turn their children into geniuses. Teachers are not miracle workers. It is a parent’s responsibility to ensure that a child is engaged in academic activities and has the foundation for the teachers to nurture. It is not the school’s fault, the government didn’t fail your child, and it certainly has nothing to do with the brand of milk you fed your child five years ago. If your child has a challenge with reading, math or learning in general, you would be better off seeking help than pretending your child is a late bloomer, a genius waiting to shock the world. For the sake of the child, we all hope he ends up exceeding academic expectations, but it’s a parent’s job to ensure that the child gets all the help necessary to be successful. By Sirina Opare Bampoe

chool plays an essential role in every kid’s life. The joy in the face of a parent as the child heads off to school is priceless. Suddenly school turns into a chore and your fourth grader is not too happy to roll out of bed, or eager to meet his friends at the bus stop. The underlying factors may range from psychological and developmental to external factors like bullying — but it usually is a combination of these. We hope, with a new year comes a fresh start, but here is some of what we have found keeps children up right after they have had all the fun they could in second and third grade. HOMEWORK It is difficult to blame kids on this one. Many adults hate it too. For some kids, it’s like bringing the hell of school to your home. Time at home is meant to be free of school and anything that resembles a book. The trick is for a parent to be expressly enthused about homework and let kids understand that it’s not a punishment to learn at home.

BULLIES We all know the statistics on bullying, and in fact it is all over the place. Watch for all the cues you can and be assertive. A slight comment can damage a child’s psyche for a lonAg time so you want to be on the lookout (and listening) for signs of any physical or emotional bullying. GETTING UP IN THE MORNING Kids love to stay up late and for some odd reason third grade is when all their favorite TV shows come on in the wee hours of the night, so they want to stay up. Waking up in the morning is no fun for most adults either. As a parent, it’s your job to get creative and get the kids to sleep early. If that means you sleep at 8:00 PM too, go ahead and jump in bed too, you probably need it anyway. GRADES That is no fun, for most people anyway, and if most people had their own way, exams would no longer be part of going to school. Wouldn’t that be fun? Well, since that is not happening anytime soon, be their cheerleader, and arrange tutoring sessions to help them master the subject.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION I used to think every kid wanted to play, so physical education should be a no-brainer favorite class. There are children who will do anything for a chance to play on their school’s soccer team, but not every child wants to run in the sun, or even go outside. Playing a sport or physical education in general is good for their health, so get them pumped to get out and play. NO FRIENDS Not every kid has the confidence to walk through a crowd without losing a heartbeat. For most kids, having friends is an important piece of enjoying school. This is especially the case when kid changes schools and is the new kid on the block. The best you can do as a parent is to create a fun environment at home so that your child is not counting on the kids in school for adventure and fun. By Celine Opare

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AM I TOO SEXY FOR SUNDAY CHURCH MAYBE THE IDEA OF IMPROPER CLOTHING IN CHURCH HAS MORE TO DO WITH THE EFFECT OUR CLOTHING HAS ON OUR INFLUENCE, THAN ADHERING TO A DRESS CODE.

oes God have a dress code? Going to church on Sunday is a Christian tradition for many around the world. When I was back home in Sierra Leone, Sunday was a big deal and a day when everyone wore their best attire, showed up at church early and left late. Going into the presence of God was a joyful encounter and we looked forward to it all week. I remember when we ironed our clothes on Friday night, and ironed them again to be sure that the creases were still as straight as they could be. We were going into the presence of God, and that was reason enough to wear our very best and present ourselves in the best way possible. True or untrue, we bought into the idea that no one cared about outward appearances because we served a God who was only concerned about our hearts. I am in my mid 20’s, a professional model, and almost every dress I own enhances my curves. So when I show up in church on Sunday, even without giving it much thought, my tight skirt gets all the attention. But what about people who deliberately show up in church with their most scandalous outfits seeking new admirers? Does God even care? I know the ushers and pastors care, but let’s face it, no one goes to church because of ushers and pastors. What about the young men and women who are turning church into a fashion show? Well, one school of thought argues that this is a byproduct of convincing ourselves that anything goes. If nothing is out of bounds, women can walk out of a club on Saturday night with their short skimpy skirts and find their way to the front pew in the church without losing a heartbeat. But just before we throw the lady under the bus for dressing inappropriately to church, that could very well be the best attire the lady had and didn’t think impure thoughts when she put it on.

The curious question is: will that be the way the young lady showed up in the White House if she got an invitation from President Obama, or even from one of her favorite celebrities? I will guess not. How about the rest of us who go to church in flip flops or the same jeans we wouldn’t want our mothers to see us wearing? Maybe this whole idea of improper clothing in church hovers more around the effect our clothing has on our influence, than adhering to a dress code. After all, if a Christian’s drive to please God is rooted in the invitation to be “salt and light in this world”, then what we wear is an important part of our testimony. Culture gives society many of its norms, and decides what is deemed acceptable. Over the years, some cultures, especially America’s, have become so causal that a person seldom dresses up for anything. Jeans and T-shirts, once considered rather sloppy except for those engaged in physical labor, are now considered fashionable. I think back to when I was growing up in Sierra Leone and my parents repeatedly reminded us of the need to become an example with how we dress. Perhaps just as it is important that a woman’s clothes not expose areas of the body that draw attention from the opposite sex, showing up to churches unkempt and sloppy is not an excellent testimony to Christ’s work in us. So maybe there is such a thing as too sexy for Sunday. The standard is Jesus, so perhaps the age-old question, “What would Jesus do” is still as important as it is relevant. By Hawa Sessay

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HERITAGE AFRICA WHAT YOUR CHILD [AND MANY ADULTS] MUST KNOW IMMEDIATELY

he National Basketball Association (NBA) was in Johannesburg, South Africa in August, for the NBA Africa Game 2015. The commentators on ESPN made an innocent yet basic mistake, and spent the rest of the broadcast trying to clean it up. Chances are it went under the radar, so most people watching the game were too enthralled in the game itself to catch it. The commentator referred to Africa as a “country.” I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say she misspoke -- she surely knows Africa is not a country, it is a continent. Trouble is, there are many people in America who for whatever reason, truly believe that Africa is a country in some faraway place -who cares where. Africans and non-Africans with a slightly enlightened sense of world geography smirk at this common snafu, because it happens more often than you think. Knowledge of Africa is an afterthought in most circles; hence stereotypes and wacky generalizations dominate the conversation. For Africans in America, there are many statements (often ignorant ones) that we know it’s not true. The problem is that when it comes to your children, that reality competes with what their friends tell them, and with what they see on TV.

The author of the wildly popular Tarzan of the Apes, Edgar Rice Burroughs, never went to Africa his entire life, but he made a fortune telling the world what Africa looks like. And the world believed him. The reception exceeded the author’s wildest dreams, and he went on to write twenty-three more Tarzan novels over the next thirty years, never stepping in Africa. Now that is impressive, and a bit sad. Sad because a whole generation of Americans grew up convinced they knew all there is to know about Africa, having painted their worldview of Africa though Burroughs’ lenses. Their subsequent generations are who you children will be hanging out with. The line between innocent mistakes and ignorant comments is blurry. It is up to parents to teach their children, and share the basic knowledge that they have been fortunate to know without much effort. It will amaze you what your child doesn’t know. There is only so much YouTube can show; your knowledge and experiences are powerful too. Here are a few simple facts to jumpstart the conversation about Africa, some of which you may have not even thought of yourself. Knowledge is important, especially in the global society where we live, and not everyone would be as forgiving of an intellectual blip when you child passes a comment that shows how little he knows about the world, and about Africa in particular.

There are about 57 COUNTRIES AND ONE “NON-SELF-GOVERNING TERRITORY,” the Western Sahara, in Africa. Africa is larger than China, USA, India, Mexico and a big part of Europe combined. In fact it is the second largest and second most populated continent besides Asia. Africa has about one billion people. AFRICA IS NOT A DESERT. While there are a few deserts in Africa (like the Sahara Desert in the North and the Namib Desert in the Southwest), large parts of Africa, especially central Africa, are tropical rainforests. Contrary to popular belief, there are NO WILD TIGERS IN AFRICA. Only in Asia.

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AFRICANS DON’T LIVE IN mud and dung huts. There are buildings and towns and cities in every country in Africa. There are tribal people that still choose to live in their traditional villages in huts, but the bulk of each country doesn’t look anything like you saw in Tarzan.

Before colonial rule AFRICA COMPRISED UP TO 10,000 DIFFERENT STATES AND AUTONOMOUS GROUPS with distinct languages and customs. There is also nothing like the African language. And “African” is not a race. Among the native population of Africa, there are more physical variations than on any other continent in the world.

Arabic (in various dialects) is the most common language spoken in Africa with about 170 million speakers, primarily residing in North Africa. In the continent as a whole, THERE ARE MORE THAN 2,000 RECOGNIZED LANGUAGES SPOKEN.

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HABITS OF VERY

FAMILIES

HAPPY FAMILIES DON’T JUST APPEAR FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. OF COURSE NO ONE, AND CERTAINLY NO FAMILY SITS ON CLOUD NINE EVERY DAY, BUT PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND THE BUILDING BLOCK TO A HAPPY FAMILY ALMOST ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY ONE.

HABIT NUMBER ONE

HABIT NUMBER FIVE

Make Healthy Eating Easy. You won’t break the bank by ensuring most of the foods in your home are healthful.

Go Outside Sometime. Researchers say taking a walk in the neighborhood is a simple exercise that helps develop peace of mind, creativity, cognitive flexibility, improved problem solving and self-esteem. Who knew?

Lining your refrigerator with every color of flavored water and soda is a sure way of setting your family on the wrong course. Watch what you buy, and you will not have to struggle so much with what your family eats. You are what you eat, so the first step to living happily is watching what you munch on.

HABIT NUMBER TWO Have Meals as a Family. Most parents agree with the ageold wisdom that family meals are excellent opportunities to share in your children’s lives. They are also the perfect platform to engage your children in conversations about almost anything. A family that eats together stays together.

HABIT NUMBER THREE Celebrate Successes. Happy families don’t wait for their children to win the Nobel Peace Prize or land on the moon before they celebrate them. The small wins put the much needed winds in their sails to keep pushing ahead. Of course your family may look weird at the football games cheering on a little toddler who can barely kick a ball, but happy families don’t mind looking strange.

HABIT NUMBER FOUR Communicate. Communication, not just talking. Happy families speak to, and most importantly, listen to each other. In the world of iPhones and Facebook, it is easy for people to live in the same house and yet be complete strangers. Communication is a two-way street, and it requires a deliberate effort to ditch the gadgets and engage in human connection. Happy families know this, and they do it so well.

Sure, you may miss your favorite television show, or not get the chance to respond to emails in less than ten seconds like you like to. But there is a world out there to be explored, and it doesn’t cost anything to step out. Try this sometime.

HABIT NUMBER SIX Give Thanks—No Matter What. Expressing gratitude is good for our overall well-being. Happy people are usually more aware of every moment they live and every little thing they have. They appreciate everything and are thankful for where they are in life. This is a society filled with so much chaos and sad stories, gratitude can almost feel like a thing of the past, but happy families purposefully find something to be grateful for. Start with the fact that you are alive today, something a few hundred people could not say just a few minutes ago.

BASIC HABITS like good eating, exercising and sleeping lifestyles begin very early in life. The good news is that such habits, once they have been deeply rooted into a person’s core, are a bit harder to break. Parents who succeed with having healthy families understand this principle and plan very early for what they want their future to look like. By Ewura Abena Martinson

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Letters to Sister Akos

No nonsense answers from a woman who knows almost everything. A marriage counselor for 32 years, a management consultant for Fortune 500 companies, former professional cheerleader and assistant prison warden. No question is out of bounds, but brace yourself for the candid answers from Sister Akos. Send letters to Akos@akwaabaOnline.com

Daycare costs are killing me. Luckily a church member is offering a cheaper option to watch my child at her home. What should I do? The church member may save you on the costs but remember that there is a tradeoff. You cannot play by the same rules you would if you took your child to a daycare center, so weigh the options. Without sounding overly negative, that last thing you want is an act of generosity that ends up driving wedge between your relationships. But if you have no other option, maybe the church member may be an angel after all. Just remember it comes with a price, too. I am dating a woman who is separated from her husband for 3 months. He moved to another state and left the kids with their mom, but I feel sometimes that they can get back together. Am I wasting my time? Separated for 3 months and dating already? That’s a topic for another conversation. Your love interest will always have a relationship with the husband, nothing at all, because of the kids. If you feel like you are been taken along for a ride, you probably are. Take your own advice and jump off the train before it heads south.

My husband just signed for a $300,000 home mortgage in Ghana, and we are barely making ends meet living in the Bronx, NY. Is this a good investment? I am taking a wild guess you don’t even live in Ghana, so why do you need a mortgage there? Generally, homeowner ship is a good investment, but when you are struggling to make ends meet, a $300,000 mortgage sounds like a bad idea anywhere. I hate to tell you this, but you are probably asking your question a little too late. My pastor said my mom is a witch, what should I do? How did your pastor find out about such “odd truth”? I didn’t it think I will live to hear stories like this again, but wonders never end. My best advice, - talk to God yourself. And while you’re at it, you might have to start looking for another church. I am 29. All my friends are getting married. Am I late to the party? Sweetheart marriage is not a party. Unless you are planning on getting married for the right reasons, I recommend you stay single for a while longer. The most immature decision you can make it to get married because everyone is getting married.

My 16 year old son is head over heels in love with our housekeeper. Is this something I should tolerate or put my feet down? First, unless your housekeeper is also 16, there is something terribly wrong with the picture. But if your housekeeper is 16, you may be breaking some laws in your state. Assuming the scenario is legit [and I don’t see how], or your teenager is only hinting of his youthful fantasies, please don’t entertain that. Put your feet up or down, wherever you want, but there is nothing cute about that equation. A Ghanaian woman recently committed suicide after finding that her own mother was pregnant by her husband. What would you have done? This story makes me cringe just hearing it again. For the sake of human decency I will rather assume this will never happen ever again. Therefore since it will never happen again, there is no point answering your hypothetical question.

||| EDITORS’ PICKS READING IS RELAXING. READING IS STIMULATING. Here at Akwaaba Family Magazine, we strongly encourage reading at all age levels, and think it gives a wealth of knowledge. We even think reading reduces stress. It takes time and takes concentration, but there is nothing as fascinating that being engaged in an activity that helps you immerse yourself into the text. Our focus IN THIS ISSUE, as always is to give our readers some suggestions for excellent reading.

AFRICAN LITERATURE Gender Discourse, Religious Values, and the African Worldview Safoura A. Salami-Boukari

How do we resolve the insider/ outsider interpreting conundrum? What drives peculiar critical reactions, canon formations and such issues which determine the survival of cultural productions or their continued adoption as useful bolsters for a people's self-definition or indeed self-preservation and selfdetermination? TIGRESS AT FULL MOON Obiwu Tigress at Full Moon is his second volume of poetry since Rituals of the Sun (1992). Obiwu's other publications have been widely acclaimed. “In this collection the poems are not just about mundane action and destruction, but of the infinite beauty and eternal repose which is the future. This is a triumph of poetic wish fulfillment… the stuff [of which the] mythic imagination is made.” Review by Afam E.

THE PROMISE OF HOPE Kofi Awoonor Selected and edited by Awoonor’s friend and colleague Kofi Anyidoho, himself a prominent poet and academic in Ghana, The Promise of Hope contains much of Awoonor’s most recent unpublished poetry, along with many of his anthologized and classic poems.

FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE Markman, Stanley & Blumberg Since 1994, the best-selling classic Fighting for Your Marriage has been the go-to reference for couples that want to enhance their marriage and prevent divorce. The authors have included a wealth of proven, research-based techniques and down-to-earth guidance for all couples who seek to promote greater character and pleasure in their long-term relationships. YOU’LL GET THROUGH THIS Max Lucado You fear you won’t make it through. You fear the depression will never lift, the yelling will never stop, the pain will never leave. Will this gray sky ever brighten? Based on the life of Joseph in the Book of Genesis, You’ll Get Through This is a survival guide for difficult times. God is in the business of redeeming the broken. He was then. He is still. Do you crave some hope for these tough times? Then this is the message you need. AFRICA RISING Vijay Mahajan Recognize that Africa is richer than you think. With more than 900 million consumers, the continent of Africa is one of the world’s fastest growing markets. Companies are recognizing opportunities from diapers to music to medicine in a market growing younger every day.

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LET’S TALK ABOUT Caring Adults have an Important Role to Play to Prevent Bullying

ow often do you ignore a person’s malicious action toward another as a “part of life”. Has public reactions—from our homes and around local communities—given such insolent, inconsiderate and maltreatment a free pass to such extent that it has allowed bullying to become an epidemic? Bullying rears its ugly head in schools, local community groups, work place, and any setting you can imagine. Yes it happens in church too. And no, Jesus is not the one being bullied. The USNLM gives a simple definition: bullying is when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker or who they think is weaker. It may come in the form of direct attacks such as hitting, name calling, teasing or taunting. Other times, it would be indirect, such as spreading rumors or trying to make others reject someone. Parents should especially be on the lookout for bullying signs, and take immediate steps to help put a stop to it.

WHAT IS A PARENT TO DO: Help kids UNDERSTAND BULLYING. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how to get help. Keep the LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN. Check in with kids often. Listen to them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their concerns. MODEL HOW TO TREAT OTHERS with kindness and respect. Children are always watching and always learning. Parents have an excellent opportunities to show children how to treat others. By Jeremy H. Boateng For more information, visit www.stopbullying.gov

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