Akwaaba Family magazine Spring 2016 by Akwaaba Family Magazine

In FOCUS

LOVE & MARRIAGE

FAMILY MATTERS

LIFESTYLE

Far from Natural, Innate and Easy?

One Couple’s Truth about Long Distance Marriage.

parent. . .

ALSO IN THIS ISSUE 10 FACEBOOK BOOMERANG DECODING THE LOVE AFFAIR

There are no guarantees when it comes to dealing with the most complex creatures known to any

13 DECLUTTER 101 HOW TO CUT CLUTTER AT HOME

14 THE NEWLYWED TRAP THERE IS A LOT OF WORK TO BE

WITH THE CLASSIC FOMO SYN-

AND CREATE A CLUTTER-FREE

DONE AFTER YOU SAY "I DO" AND

DROME AND WHY YOU KEEP

SPACE WITH HOME ORGANIZATION.

IT COMES WITH A TRANSITION

GOING BACK. 29 SIX CREATIVE IDEAS FOR YOUR 6 24 ADDICTED TO REALITY TV. . . YEAR OLD. CREATIVITY AND FUN INSIDE THE FASCINATION ARGUE DOESN’T HAVE TO COME WITH A STEMS FROM A DESIRE TO PROHIBITIVE PRICE TAG. FANTASIZE ABOUT THE PROSPECT OF EASILY ACQUIRED FAME. © 2015. All Rights Reserved Corporate: Akwaaba Family Magazine P.O. Box 1322 Manassas, VA 20108 Tel: (703) 395-0534 Fax: (571)207-6102 www.AkwaabaFamilyMagazine.com Press & Media: Overbrook Press & Graphics/NY Atlantic CG —Media Division/Houston

23 A CHRISTIAN VIEW OF MARRIAGE IT IS A COMMITMENT FOR LIFE, AND NOT JUST FOR THE TIMES WHICH ARE EASY.

INTO A STRANGE NEW WORLD. 30 THE "PERFECT" PARENT IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A "PERFECT" PARENT?

31 LETTERS TO SISTER AKOS STRAIGHT TALK RESPONSES TO LETTERS FROM OUR READERS.

COMING IN SUMMER ISSUE: AGYA KOO NIMO. A LEGEND

FROM THE EDITOR

The year 2016 has already left its own trail of surprising headlines and mindboggling social confrontations. At the forefront of it all is the Black Lives Matter protests that is sweeping the nation in the wake of deadly use of force on African American young men, from law enforcement officers. In this Spring issue, we take a look into one aspect of this reality, as mother searches desperately for the right words for their sons before they out of their doors every morning. This issue also examines the pros and cons of enrolling a child in private school. Just as is the case for any decision in life, there are some downsides that come along with the beautiful upsides and this conversation is one of such. As one would imagine, our editorial team is not an advocate for either school systems, in fact this discussion often leads to an interesting dialogue in our offices. We hope the lessons and the observations will be useful to our readers also. Similarly, with summer on the horizon, weddings will soon take center stage and every social media platform will have its fair share of cute quotes and creative pictures. But beyond the festivities , decorations and the pardonable tantrums from the Bridezillas and Groomzillas, real life happens on the other side of the curtain. Both articles offer a unique and excellent perspective for newlyweds, and our hope is that some of the lessons shared will be immensely helpful to someone else who is setting out on this journey. Finally, topic’s like the “a Christians view of marriage "retraces a few steps into the God-ordained institution, and point to what it would be, not what we want to change it to mean. There will also be a few nuggets of wisdom for the month who is having a hard time walking away from a television’s remote control.

VOL. 4 ISSUE 1

SPRING 2016

AKWAABA FAMILY MAGAZINE

SPRING FORTH

PUBLISHER

NANA MANTEAW ANOBAH EDITOR

E. OBENG-AMOAKO EDMONDS ASSOCIATE EDITOR

SAM MINTAH

PARENTING EDITOR

BRUWAA ANOBAH ADVERTISING / SALES MANAGER NICHOLAS ANOBAH KWASI AWORTWI CONTRIBUTORS NATHAN ABABIO JASMINE BAAH WIREDU NIIKOI TETTEH-COMMEY CHRISTOPHER ODOI SACKEY DELA AGBEBOR BARIMA ASARE PRISCILLA KORANTENG CHRIS-VINCENT AGYAPONG FEBIRI RESEARCH JEREMY H. BOATENG KEVIN MYERS-CLENDON

As usual, Sister Akos share her no no-nonsense responses to the questions rom our readers. Here at Akwaaba Family Magazine, we only hope that the stories and articles are as exciting, just as they are thought-provoking.

Akwaaba Family Magazine is a quarterly publication by Akwaaba News Network. The magazine is distributed free through libraries, community centers, African markets, local churches, advertisers, and family –oriented businesses in the United States.

We wish you an excellent Spring season, and we hope that it is one that will be filled with all the beauty and sunshine for every endeavor. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.

We invite you to visit us online at www.AkwaabaFamilyMagazine.com for upcoming events, resource lists and many more. Be sure to sign up for our free e-newsletter. Any reproduction of this publication, in whole or in part, is strictly prohibited without the written permission from the publisher.

Sincerely, E. Obeng- Amoako Edmonds Editor@AkwaabaOnline.com

For advertising rates and details, see the advertising section of our website, or contact our sales and advertising representatives directly with an email to advertising@AkwaabaFamilyMagazine.com or call 703-395-0534

||| In FOCUS

THE MOTHERHOOD MYTH: Far from Natural, Innate and Easy?

ruth be told, nothing in life is instinctive. Not even the air we breathe. But I cannot be the only one who has heard the saying “motherhood is instinctive”. Really? I am sure anyone who has gone through the 10 -month ordeal (and yes, pregnancy is more than 9 months) of carrying a baby, there is nothing natural and instinctive about it. Then you get home only to find out that all the pointers the hospital gave you during those pre-birth seminars are almost useless. Well, not all, just most of them. The art and science of motherhood is a learned skill, even for the people to whom it comes almost naturally. From breast-feeding, potty-training, disciplining, cooking, schooling, or scheduling, welcome to this brave new world of motherhood. Our parenting editor Bruwaa Anobah spoke to new mothers on a range of topics and found some great information to share from the good people at Mamiverse. Don’t worry, we know that motherhood can sometimes be downright difficult, and that is where we hope these words of wisdom will help you so that you don’t throw your babies out with the bathwater, figuratively speaking.

When will the umbilical cord fall off? The umbilical cord can fall off anywhere from 10-20 days after birth. Until that time, make sure you keep it dry and clean. To clean it, moisten a cotton pad with rubbing alcohol and let skin dry. No tub

baths yet.

How often do I apply diaper cream? Any time you see redness starting is a good time to apply diaper rash cream. It is also smart to apply it before bedtime at night, simply because this is when baby will (hopefully) sleep for the longest stretch of time and it will help to block wetness from the skin. If you use cloth diaper, you may not have to use it at all. Is it normal for my milk-makers to hurt? Yes, it is completely normal in the first few weeks to experience pain for the first few seconds of a feeding, while the baby is trying to latch. The skin is getting used to being used as a milk factory nearly around the clock! Give it time and use lanolin cream as a skin protectant. If you experience severe pain call your lactation nurse or doctor.

How many poopy diapers are normal in a day? Breastfed babies can have three or more poopy diapers in a 24 hour period. Formula fed babies will have at least one poopy diaper in a 24 hour period. And no, there isn’t such a thing as too many poopy diapers during the first few weeks. Does my baby recognize me? A newborn baby is born knowing its mothers voice. It actually takes the baby 15-20 days to recognize dad’s voice outside of the womb. Babies also have a heightened sense of smell and will recognize their mom in the dark. Don’t worry; the baby will know exactly who you are. When can I cut my baby’s nails? Baby nails seem to grow at a faster speed than we can find our baby clippers. You do have to wait at least two weeks to cut them for the first time because they are actually paper thin and very sensitive. To avoid scratching, I’ve dressed my babies with onesies where the sleeves fold out into mittens. How do I know if it’s colic or if there is something else wrong with my baby? Colic is a fancy word for the tummy ache that happens to babies because they have gas pains. Laying them on their backs and doing leg stretches can help, while some people swear by gripe water. They will grow out of it and it will get better. I promise.

In FOCUS

MOM SAYS: I'm on the phone. KID HEARS: Now's a good time to ask me anything, really, the sky's the limit. MOM SAYS: It's bedtime. KID HEARS: Nothing.

MOM SAYS: Brush your teeth before bed. KID HEARS: Get your toothbrush wet and stick it back in the holder, because I wasn't a kid once, and I totally never tried that trick myself. MOMS SAYS: I have a headache. KID HEARS: Time to break out the toy drum set and give it a whirl! MOM SAYS: You can't come into my room at 3 a.m. anymore. KID HEARS: Wait until 4 a.m., then climb between Mommy and Daddy. MOM SAYS: I'm going to the bathroom; I need some privacy. KID HEARS: Stand outside the bathroom door and stick your toes in the crack between the door and the floor. Breathe heavily. MOM SAYS: Come here, I need to brush your hair. KID HEARS: I just bought a medieval instrument of torture on eBay, and I'd like to try it out on your head. MOMS SAYS: Clean your room. KID HEARS: Shove a couple things under your bed, then go play video games. MOM SAYS: Close the fridge. KID HEARS: Stand in front of the fridge with the door wide open for the next five minutes or so while the electric meter spins. MOM SAYS: No. KID HEARS: Well, maybe, but you'll have to ask at least four more times. MOM SAYS: Go to the bathroom before we leave. KID HEARS: There's a perfectly good bathroom at the McDonald's 20 minutes away, so really, why bother using ours?

||| LOVE & MARRIAGE

From Kumasi, with Love

One Couple’s Truth about Long Distance Marriage. By Sammy and Emilia Ankomah.

here are many reasons why a married couple could spend most of their lives apart, and still think it is completely normal. In fact, that is the nature of the world we live in now, at least that is what I told myself a long time ago. The reasons why couples can end up living separately ranges from school, military service, work, family commitments, and last, but perhaps the most common in the circles in which I hang out, immigration issues. I have to admit that mine was slightly different because I had just met my soul mate who was visiting her family in Kumasi, and fell in love. She lives in Florida in the United States and from the very first day I mustered the courage to ask her to marry me, I knew it would come with its own set of challenges. We have managed to see each other, or it may be better to say that she has come back to Kumasi to visit, a few times in the last 4 years. She is still in the process of applying for a Green Card, which means she will be able to apply for me to visit her or even join her in the US in a few years. Until then, we are caught in this almost inescapable circus of long distance marriage, where almost everyone I have shared my story with quickly jumped to the same conclusion that something has to be seriously wrong. Of course it is understandable that many people automatically assume that a relationship is broken when people are happily living apart. Again, my idea of marriage is not the kind that I find myself in now, but certainly I am doing my best to work within the parameters that life has afforded me. While living apart has its obvious red flags and warning signals, it can also echo a level of confidence and commitment that can’t be otherwise expressed.

While living apart has its obvious red flags and warning signals, it can also echo a level of commitment that can’t be otherwise expressed. You can only imagine she is dreaming of you. In different parts of the world (the United States leading this trend) commuter marriages is a nickname for a situation where one of the spouses is away from home for a period of time, often due to work requirements. The ever changing economic landscape has given rise to more and more of these scenarios and the couples in these situations are learning to manage with their reality as well. At least that is my guess. Infidelity is a very common concern for long distance relationships like ours, because I have wondered more than once if my wife is truly as faithful as I hope she is, because I have no way of finding out if she has another life that doesn’t include me. I am sure the same is true for her and just that thought can be a bit numbing at times. At the end of the day we have both come to terms with developing a quality relationship based on trust and respect for one another which makes everything else fall in line, and makes the impossible, manageable. There is no magic pill, so everyday has brought its own set of challenges, and

in an unusual way, we have developed a friendship and understanding that we would otherwise have developed had we cuddled up every morning. Optimism, like a drug, is the potion that keeps us going strong. Just the thought that this arrangement is a short term obstacle makes one look at the entire situation and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Intimacy has taken on a whole new meaning, and understandably so. We use our moments together on the phone or on Skype to build memories and exchange heartfelt emotions. These are a few things that make our lives challenging and just as intriguing, at least to many people who wonder how I would see my wife for two weeks in a year and still be happily married. Perfectly reasonable questions and we are on the verge of making what may become the toughest decision of our adult lives. We have to decide where we should live, Florida or Kumasi, but one thing we know is that it can’t be both.

||| LOVE & MARRIAGE

Facebook Boomerang: Decoding the Love Affair with the classic FOMO Syndrome and Why You Keep going Back.

Admittedly I have a love-hate relationship with social media, Facebook in particular. I have thought again and again about quitting Facebook permanently but I seem to be going back. Hence the boomerang. I have found all the friends I could find from my kindergarten years, and even found out the hard way that only 3 of the 2000 people on my friends list are my real friends. Some smart people refer to the act of ditching social media and then returning as ‘social media reversion’, and while the name itself doesn’t sound too intellectual, I am convinced I am part of the statistic they are referring to. I am by no means addicted to Facebook, or so I thought, until I became the weird one among my friends for not having a Facebook page. I travel to Ghana during the summer and for every friend I make in the 2 months I do my best to take a hiatus from Facebook, the first question after knowing my name is “Do you have Facebook?” I don’t have any social contract with Marc Zuckerberg, but I found that wanting to break away from Facebook and actually doing so without getting the jitters were 2 different actions. What keeps me hooked to Facebook? The same thing that keeps millions of people checking posts, liking pictures, checking more posts and liking more pictures. In one word, - nosey. We all know Facebook doesn’t make anyone happy per se. So what’s the point? In a strange way, we all like to be relevant.

Some of us more so than others but we get stuck to social media in general because that is the only way to stay “on the grid” and be relevant. No one cares that you don’t have anything newsworthy to share - in fact most people don’t - but the idea of staying connected to a world where everyone is crying to be seen and heard appeals to the deepest part of all of us (or most of us). One answer: The classic FOMO rhetoric. Contrary to what we have been led to believe, “what you don’t know will not

kill you.” The fear of missing out of whatever is happening around us can lead to a strange feeling that we have to be in an inner circle to stay abreast with the hottest topics and the tweet-worthy stories. So we have to watch every one we know post pictures of everything they can find, from their cats to the license plate on their car. Social media, especially Facebook, has become the platform that you have to be on if you want to be in the know. The intriguing part of the grand exit is when you see these same people reappear in Facebook-land after brief, inactive months during which they have convinced themselves to be the same as a deactivated account, every photo, comment and timelines reappears. Maybe the “Close Account” button should change to “Hibernate”,

so that at least people who are not too keen on walking away from their 800 kindergarten friends will not entertain any illusions. There are people who leave Facebook, because frankly, it makes them feel miserable about their lives. Arguably no one puts their “bad sides” on social media, but assuming you misconstrue those to the “normal sides” of people, and compare it with your “normal”, you will more than likely be depressed. That is not rocket science. I heard someone say, “if Facebook makes you miserable, life probably makes you miserable too.” If you need to leave social media, leave. There are no explanations necessary and certainly no need for grand exits. Now the bright side - it is entirely possible to really do quit Facebook - and never return. Whether you feel like it is a distraction from your otherwise productive life, or using it too much to track unnecessary life stories, you make the final call. You can plan to live your life away from Facebook-land if required by some professional obligation or in order to ditch your last effort to avoid certain awkward situations. No one can say when "Facebook fatigue" will kick in for anyone, but one thing we know for sure is that Zuckerberg and the rest of the 4000 friends you have amassed will not be missing you. And believe me, you will not be missing much.

By Jasmine Baah Wiredu

LIFESTYLE

Declutter 101 How To Cut Clutter At Home Start the year off on the right foot by creating a clutterfree space and dealing with home organization. The start of a new year is the perfect time to declutter. The effects are so immediately apparent, they'll give you a sense of accomplishment -- the perfect mindset for tackling more challenging goals. Stay Motivated Incorporating decluttering into your lifestyle is actually about forming a new habit, and you know how challenging that can be! The first three weeks will be difficult, but after the first month or so, you'll be over the hump. Keep decluttering in perspective: it shouldn't take over your life. It's a small, short activity that you do so your home works well and looks good, and so you have time to do what you like. Do one Job at a Time It's easy to get pulled into another clutter zone and desert the job you started. Don't. Then you'll have two partially decluttered areas, and it will look like you've accomplished nil. Stick to one part of one room till it's complete. Set a Time Limit Don't say, Today I'll organize the garage. Instead, say, I'll spend an hour on the gardening tools; next week I'll work on sports equipment. If you haven't finished in an hour, keep going, or return to the job another day. Establish a Routine Set a regular schedule based on your lifestyle and personality: for instance, 10 minutes a day, two hours each weekend, or a full day once a month. A little time spent decluttering daily is definitely the best way to maintain order once it's been achieved.

Sort Purchase six bins that are easy to carry and to see into. Label them: Keep in This Room, Store Elsewhere, Give Away, Garbage/Recycling, Repair, Not Sure. Sort items from an area into these bins; organize what you plan on keeping and then get rid of the rest as quickly as possible. Organize Once you've whittled down your possessions, move each to a proper home to avoid creating more clutter. Store an object closest to where you use it, but also consider how often it's used, giving premier real estate to the most frequently used objects in an area. For instance, saffron probably wouldn't be placed in front of salt on the spice shelf. Find an Emotional Rescue When clearing clutter becomes emotionally daunting, take a break. If you keep setting a time to return but never do, ask yourself, do I want to face this now? If you don't want to, then don't. You'll do it when you're ready. However, if you want to face the clutter (and the emotional stuff), don't go it alone -- ask a friend to help, or hire a professional organizer. In the meantime, move on to a less emotionally charged job, like the junk drawer. Internalize that your value is not in your “stuff”. It is just “stuff”. And realize that your value grows when you share your “stuff”. Hoarding is a selfish act.

Credit: Style at home

||| LIFESTYLE

There is a lot of work to be done after you say "I do" and it comes with a transition into a strange new world.

wo groups of people that

If you can before having children, you

to maintain your sexual health, keep

need all the coaching in

should consider it because you’ll never

things interesting, and make sure you

the world are babies and

have this time alone again.

and your spouse are satisfied.

newlyweds. At least the first group can be excused for just getting into the world, but newlyweds are still learning the ropes of marriage and often make some bone-headed [that is slang for “lame”] mistakes

Once children arrive, they will have to be the focus of your attention. Your heart certainly has room for children and a spouse, but you should spoil one another while you can.

which anyone who has been married for longer than 6 months, will look at from the corner of their eye. Please don’t give up on them, we all learned. When the dust of the new romance settles, reality sets in too. There are millions of issues that immediately spring to the forefront that mysteri-

ously hadn’t been there this whole time. At least so it seems. But that is life. In fact, if you pay close attention to your-

your DNA. Give the child 10 to 14 months and once they learn to walk, the rest is gravy.

That is the same with newlyweds; it

address them and do what you can to improve the situation. TAKING A PARTNER FOR GRANTED Remembering all the reasons you love your spouse and appreciating the little

GOING INTO DEBT

things he or she does for you and your

Starting off your marriage with bills

family takes some work. But it’s an

you can’t afford is a terrible beginning. It’s an additional strain on your relationship that you can't afford. If you are already in debt, make a plan to get rid of it. Stay on budget, get your finances in order and you’ll probably fight less. If nothing else, you’ll sleep better at night.

self long enough you will discover habits you didn’t even know were part of

When problems do arise, you should

integral part of building a strong marriage. Once you start to forget or simply expect your spouse to do certain things for you, he or she may feel unappreciated and you could start having problems. GETTING OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT WITH YOUR IN-LAWS If the damage has already been done, do whatever you can to improve the

TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE Presumably, you married your spouse because you are in love with him or

her. If that’s the case, then there’s no

relationship you have with your in-laws. Be the first to extend the olive branch because the only person who gets hurt when you fight with the in-laws is your spouse, who feels caught in the middle.

takes time, patience and practice.

good reason for changing your spouse.

An exciting new world if I might add. A word of caution here: there will nev-

change, so your best bet is to accept

er be a day that you master all that

ways he or she is unique and different

makes another person tick.

and not in spite of those things.

It is a constant discovery, but the first

Trying to change your spouse will only

waiting for you at home.

year’s curveballs after the bridal

hurt his or her feelings – and damage

shower and honeymoon shouldn’t

your marriage.

As a married person, there are behav-

Frankly, most adults don’t drastically your spouse and love him or her for the

leave you scrambling for dear life. ABANDONING YOUR SEX LIFE RUSHING INTO HAVING CHILDREN Some couples don’t give themselves enough time to be married to each other.

ACTING LIKE YOU’RE STILL SINGLE Hanging out with your friends all night and going to clubs was all right when you were a single person with no one

iors that are no longer appropriate. You know what’s right and what’s wrong, so just do the right thing.

Marriage does not have to mean the end to good sex. It is part of your job as married people

Additional Credit: Francesca Di Meglio Newlyweds.about.com

||| LIFESTYLE

SCIENTIFIC TIPS FOR RAISING HAPPY KIDS. THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH THE MOST COMPLEX CREATURES KNOWN TO ANY PARENT. . . BUT DEFINITELY WORTH THE EFFORT.

urns out the best way to raise good kids doesn't involve expensive private tutors or fancy summer camps. Instead, it all comes down to making them care. There are many ways to raise happy, welladjusted kids, but science has a few tips for making sure they turn out okay. From keeping it fun to letting them leave the nest, here are 5 research-based tips for good parenting.

LOL! Joking Helps Lighten up! Joking with your toddler helps set them up for social success, according to research presented at the Economic and Social Research Councils’ Festival of Social Science 2011. When parents joke and pretend, it gives young kids the tools to think creatively, make friends and manage stress. So feel free to play court jester — your kids will thank you later.

Nurture Your Marriage If you’re a parent with a significant other, don’t let your relationship with your spouse or partner fall by the wayside when baby is born. Parents who suffer from marital instability, such as contemplating divorce, may set their infants up for sleep troubles in toddlerhood, according to research published in May 2011 in the journal Child Development. The study found that a troubled marriage

when a baby is 9 months old contributes to trouble sleeping when the child is 18 months of age. It may be that troubled houses are stressful houses, and that stress is the cause of the sleep problems.

Mamas, Be Good to Your Sons A close relationship with their mothers can help keep boys from acting out, according to a 2010 study. A warm, attached relationship with mom seems important in preventing behavior problems in sons, even more so than in girls, the research found. The findings, published in the journal Child Development, highlight the need for "secure attachment" between kids and their parents, a style in which kids can go to mom and dad as a comforting "secure base" before venturing into the wider world.

Don't Aim For Perfection Nobody’s perfect, so don’t torture yourself with an impossibly high bar for parenting success. According to a study published in 2011 in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, new parents who believe society expects perfection from them are more stressed and less confident in their parenting skills. And no wonder! Make an effort to ignore the pressure, and you may find yourself a more relaxed parent. Credit: www.livescience.com

In FOCUS

||| COVER STORY

Our Sons and the Police TOUGH CONVERSATIONS EVERY FAMILY OUGHT TO BE HAVING . . . WITH OUR BOYS

mpulsively, he pulls a mediumsized object from his pocket, thumbs over its surface and nervously lifts it towards his face in the direction of an unfolding drama. The repetition of such actions in society today has yielded a great number of citizen journalists in our communities, who have been able to use their phones to document societal woes such as the rampant brutality between some police officers and some members of minority groups such as African-Americans. For a parent to lose a child under any circumstance is nerve-wracking. After recent tensions between predominantly black communities and the police departments it is obviously unfair to lump all men in uniform in one broad category as “anti-black”. Sure, there may be police officers who do not like black people for whatever their reasons are, just as there are black people who may dislike people from other races, or even fellow black people. I will leave that subject to the psychotherapists and experts to dissect. My own father is a retired police officer and my next door neighbor also, but I have done my best to leave my bias at the door.

Mothers (and parents) will have to find ways to explain to their children that ever since the beginning of time there has been this tension between citizens and authorities who are supposed to be serving and protecting them. That tension is not new. One can describe the conflict between African-Americans’ and the police as an asymmetrical conflict where the power of the gun overpowers words of altercation or in some cases, words of explanation. It is very unfortunate that the very people that are supposed to symbolize law and order, sometimes seem to go against the law. The trouble is that all it takes is one bad cop to get the entire community in uproar, especially in the case of totally avoidable confrontations. I have no way to predict how a police officer will act in any instance; neither do I have any control over it. There is a school of thought that will argue that in order to resolve this issue of police brutality among black people, it is incumbent on us as a people (Africans, African-Americans and other members of the minority group) to instill conflict resolution skills in ourselves, our children and our community as a whole.

It is entirely possible that pre-existing notions of a group drives police actions in a confrontation unless the officers are honest enough to leave their own prejudices before they don the uniform. The fundamentals of conflict resolution start from the very beginning of a person’s life. Parents, teachers and community leaders should encourage and support activities that focus on building tolerance, respect and patience in young children. Once these values are entrenched in the core of one’s being, it presents itself as some form of defense mechanism in the future. To some extent conflict resolution mechanisms may earn a frown and be derided as budging to a rude cop or giving up a freedom to express oneself. Two things are true; first courage and restraint can coexist, and neither action suggests losing any freedom to another person. Secondly, there may be no guns used in the confrontation and no lives lost. Someday in America, the NRA and the government will come to terms with the fact that the gun culture breeds a society where the act of shooting is not stranger than tying up a shoe lace. A sad reality but that is the ugly truth. As a mother, I have done my best to tell my sons that our main weapon against any potentially violent confrontation - including one with police - is to arm ourselves with intangible weapons. There are no easy answers for a mother (or any parent) watching their teenage son losing his life at the hands of a man or woman who swore to protect him. There are deeper issues in our society that ought to be addressed, and maybe teaching our young boys to avoid violent altercations or confrontations will only be a drop in a bucket. But that is a crucial drop, and a lifesaving one at that.

||| COVER STORY

||| FAITH

A CHRISTIAN VIEW OF MARRIAGE W

Singleness, with its freedom and flexibility, is described as ‘a gift’ in the Bible. And Jesus, the founder of the Christian faith, was himself unmarried.

hen a man and a woman get married they commit themselves to spending their lives in a new relationship. It is a partnership of love, made richer and deeper through sex. Like many people, Christians regard it as the best context for nurturing children. It is also seen as the best (many Christians would say the only) setting for sex. In any marriage ceremony the bride and groom must confirm that they want to marry each other, and after the opportunity has been given publicly for anyone present to prevent the marriage if there is a legal reason, the couple join hands and make promises. They exchange rings, which are worn as a reminder of these promises for the duration of their married life. If the marriage begins with a wedding service in a Christian church, the minister conducting the wedding reminds all present that marriage forms part of a pattern of life established by God. The first marriage that the Bible tells of is between Adam and his wife, Eve. God declared, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’

Some Christians believe that marriage vows are unbreakable, so that even in the distressing circumstances in which a couple separates, they are still married from God’s point of view. This is so in the Roman Catholic church, although occasionally a marriage is declared to be null (in other words, it never really was a marriage).

In a church service there are readings from the Bible which explain the nature and significance of marriage. The couple make promises to stay together ‘for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish until death us do part’. It is a commitment for life, and not just for the times which are easy. Prayers are said for the newlyweds, which recognize both the joys and difficulties ahead, and ask God’s blessing on the couple. While marriage is honored and affirmed among Christians, there is no suggestion that it is necessary for everyone.

Other Christians have accepted divorce and remarriage in some circumstances - for example, to relieve one partner of intolerable hardship, unfaithfulness or desertion. There is rarely divorce without pain. Even when divorce comes as a relief, it follows the pain of broken relationships and dreams, and great anxiety about the impact on children. Christians seek to uphold the seriousness of wedding vows while responding with compassion to deep hurts by recognizing that divorce is sometimes necessary. God grieves alongside the people for whom such a painful separation is taking place. Credit: christianity.org.uk. Read more Christian articles on Christianity.org.uk, powered by Christian Enquiry Agency Ltd.

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Inside the fascination with reality television which many argue stems from a desire to fantasize about the prospect of easily acquired fame.

he truth is, no one has died from watching television. Fair to say, it is as harmless as entertainment gets, of course that is assuming that the nature of the programming is reasonably sane.

Since Reality TV shows from the original “Real Word” to “Flava of Love”, down to “Real Housewives of any City you can think of, the television world was flipped upside down and even by reasonable people standards. The magnitude of trash we see on TV sets in 2016 is beyond baffling. No wonder the more you watch TV, the worse your life gets, or so it seems.

to keep the cameras rolling and their acting career alive. Assuming that is true, the only real character in this scenario is the person behind the screen, whose whole life is put on hold watching other throw tantrums and curse at each other. The best counter thought I heard was from a selfproclaimed junk TV addict who described the onslaught of reality TV shows in a rather sophisticated term - an anthropological study of fame and the lengths people go through to achieve it. Beautiful.

The reality TV programs may not be overtly designed for women, but increasingly every statistic points to women watching these shows at record rates as opposed to men. Even then, it is almost unfair to lay the blame solely at the doorstep of women. After a long day’s work, everyone deserves a little break.

Everyone - almost everyone agrees - that Reality TV is often documentaries of social train wrecks, and watching them often let us know that our lives are not as wasted as we thought. If a man named Flava Flav (a normal adult man with a wall clock hanging on his neck) can find enough desperate women to do just about anything to fall in love with him, chances are the world is truly coming to an end sooner than we thought.

The trouble is when your children get the memo that Mummy’s me-time with the Kardashians and Nene Leakes is more than entertainment. Mummy is addicted to an alternate reality where she is enthralled in cameras following people around while they run errands, have lunch, talk to other people, so much so that she identifies with the events and people.

But that is somewhat reassuring - a glaring reminder that there is hope for everyone. Whether it is "Celebrity Rehab," "Celebrity Fit Club," MTVs "Real World" series, BET Network’s "College Hill" or every show on Bravo these programs have become an escape mechanism to distract yourself from the real world, your children are also paying attention.

It is one thing talking about reality personalities as if you know them personally, but when you are willing to put your life on hold to watch this voyeuristic entertainment and get your sugar high from someone watching someone else live their life, there may be a little problem. Reality TV dominates small-screen and every phone app in contemporary society. Fortunately we have been clever enough to connect the dots,-that reality TV is not real, and the cast are often wanna-be actors who do everything and anything

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Is private school worth all the $$$

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o one can unequivocally say that private schools are a scam, and public schools do not offer anything different from a private school. Same? Yes,..no…maybe. One thing that is not debatable is that one has a steep price tag, and the other not so much. What I expect as is the case every time I have discussed this topic - is that everyone will have strong opinions on how reasonable it is to spend your life savings and sink into debt on a child’s education – especially when you don’t have to. In a recent report from the Council for American Private Education, there are more than 30,861 private schools in the U.S. – excluding military or boarding schools, with price tags anywhere from $5,000 a month to $60,000 a year. That is a boatload of cash for many who don’t come home with that much cash after a year’s work. After all, public education doesn’t cost anything, and you can’t compete with free, right? Let’s get this straight though, a fair assumption is that most parents end up considering private education because they only want the best for their child. There is also a certain prestige to saying you attended a private school, or that your kids are attending one. I don’t have any right to judge if that prestige is worth the price tag, because like anything else, cars, shoes, handbags, and even toilet paper, - it comes down to individual choices. ACADEMICS One thing that is well documented is that private schools have a reputation for having smaller class sizes, great teachers, and strong academics. Real or imagined, private schools lend itself to the same rules as any business enterprise; hence it is much easier to scrutinize the results.

Of course there are exceptions, and there are many public schools that boast of excellent academics. The advice is that you cannot determine whether a school is academically better just because it is private. I recently stumbled across a newspaper article that offered this insight: “Over a nine-year period, most parents will end up spending $72,000 per child — assuming tuition never increases.” After completing a nine-year private K-8 schools curriculum, your child will still be unable to expunge a brain tumor, argue a case before the Supreme Court, or have the business acumen to run a Fortune 500 company. Why? Because, with very few exceptions, K8 private schools are still teaching the same basic stuff that the public schools do: reading, writing and arithmetic.” FINANCES This is the tricky part. Can you truly afford to send your kids to private school? Only you and your bank account can tell if $10,000 is a stretch. And the curveball, private school is not just about private school tuition, there are additional costs for uniforms, sports fees, and extracurricular activities that your child would most likely not care to participate in. Someone’s got to pay for it. Sending your children to private school can mean making some big sacrifices. It may mean less money in your savings account, and essentially your child becomes your 401K. The only risk here is that your child will not know how much you are banking on his success for your retirement and vacations, and that is why it is a bit tricky. The best advice is that you must be able to take on a significant expense for multiple years, so it only helps to take an honest look at your finances.

Small classes, state-of-the-art facilities, impressive course offerings, and carefully selected teachers, and one parent will argue that it is worth the cash. Another parent will argue that depending on where you live, there are public schools that offer much more. I don’t particularly take any side of the argument but where I cringe for the pro-private school group is that flawed underlying assumption that once their children are accepted, their future is guaranteed. Not so fast, buddy. I have to commend any parent for seeking the best education for their child. Thanks to the cringe-worthy news headlines every day, public schools at all levels range in quality from abysmal to outstanding. The worst ones stick out like a sore thumb, and the best ones are often scoffed as outliers. So we cannot blame a parent for doing what they think is best, but jumping to conclusion that private schools are always superior to public schools is not a sound argument. Public school education can be a hit or miss, especially if you are a parent counting on the school to do the heavy lifting for your child’s education. Public or private, there is no substitute for parent involvement in a child’s education. Just as there are pros to every size of the debate there are cons too. Often the downsides to public school are well advertised. If you can’t pay for private school without going into debt or compromising other important goals, it’s probably not a great idea. The moral of the story: the reason to jump on either side of the private school - public school debate has to be for what is best for your child, not what cute stickers you will put on the back of your car.

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SIX CREATIVE IDEAS FOR YOUR 6 YEAR OLD Creativity and fun doesn’t have to come with a prohibitive price tag. Very soon school will be out, the sun will be high, and every parent will be scrambling to find something for their kids to do for 3 months without burning the house down. We found some fun and creative activities to save kids the boredom and save you the anguish. Refrigerator Box House Turn a large appliance box into a playhouse to use indoors or outdoors (don’t have one? Ask at your local appliance store). Work with your children to paint it and cut out windows and doors, then let them add details like siding, bricks, and roof tiles with black sharpie markers. Use fabric scraps for curtains and pieces of cardboard to create a welcome mat and chimney. Nature Walk and Collage Take a nature walk with your children, either in your backyard, neighborhood, or at the local park or trails. Ask children to collect leaves, twigs, flowers and more. Come back home and put them all together to form a nature collage.

Family Newspaper Talk to your children about newspapers and magazines and show them examples. Ask older children to create their own family newspaper featuring stories, advertisements, cartoons, and more.

Spray Bottle Art Set up a large “canvas” in the backyard. Use an old white sheet or long strip of paper from a paper roll (purchased from your local craft store) and weigh it down in each corner. Fill plastic spray bottles with water mixed with tempera paint and allow children to spray their oversized canvas to create one huge (and slightly messy!) outdoor masterpiece. Bug Hotel Poke holes in the lid of a jar, plastic container, or shoebox and allow children to decorate the outside. Have children collect grass, sticks, leaves and more to fill the box then lead them in a bug hunt. Catch bugs and let them stay (temporarily!) in the “bug hotels” the children have created. Children can take photos, draw pictures, or write about the bugs they find.

Homemade Popsicles Fill ice cube trays with fruit juice and put them in the freezer. Insert popsicle sticks (available at craft and grocery stores) once the ice cubes are almost frozen but still slushy. Allow your children to combine fruit juices to create their own colors and flavors and see who comes up with the tastiest frozen treat! Credit: www.babble.com

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FAMILY MATTERS

Is there such a thing as a "perfect" parent?

any people believe in the myth of the perfect parents - the ideal mother and father who raise happy, well-adjusted problem-free children. In truth, there is no such person as a perfect parent - or a perfect child. Problem behavior is common among school-age children and takes up a significant portion of a parent's time. At any one time, on average, school-age children have about five or six traits or behaviors that their parents find difficult. These might include not complying with simple requests, avoiding chores, spending too much time watching TV or playing videos, engaging in sibling rivalry or having difficulty completing homework. Other common problems for parents are dealing with a temperamentally difficult child, or coping with a child who either wants too much independence or hasn't achieved enough autonomy. Parents also sometimes encounter the dilemma of a child who prefers friends or activities not approved of by his mother or father.

istakes are OK As a parent, you need to recognize that it is normal to feel worried, confused, angry, guilty, overwhelmed and inadequate because of your child's behavior. That is part of being a parent. It is futile and self-defeating to try to be perfect or to raise perfect children. Think back to how you behaved, or misbehaved, as a child, about how your parents dealt with your behavior, and how you felt about their disciplinary techniques. They were not perfect, but neither was anyone else. Do not try to overcompensate for their shortcomings by trying to be perfect yourself, and by getting caught up in statements like "I'm not going to make the same mistakes my parents made."

All parents and all children make mistakes in their attempts to communicate and deal with one another and in trying to solve problems. Parents need to trust themselves and their instincts. Mothers and fathers tend to have good intuition and knowledge of their own children. They often know more than they think they do, and they should not be afraid of making mistakes. Children are resilient and forgiving and usually learn and grow through their mistakes. Parents tend to be just as resilient and forgiving.

lexible Parenting However, parents who "live for their children" are putting themselves in a very vulnerable position, setting themselves up for possible disappointment, frustration and resentment. They are also being unfair to their family. Parents should not expect to receive all their personal fulfillment from their children or from the parenting role. As a parent, you need to develop your own philosophy - one with which you feel comfortable - within a flexible and adaptable framework. Take into account your own expectations, parenting style, and temperament, and how they fit with each of your children and your spouse, and their own unique preferences and temperaments. You should take comfort in the fact that in the vast majority of cases, children do turn out well. But along the way, keep your sense of humor, trust your instincts and seek help and advice early rather than late. While parenting is a great challenge, it can also be one of the most rewarding and enjoyable experiences of your life. Credit: American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org

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Letters to Sister Akos

No nonsense answers from a woman who knows almost everything. A marriage counselor for 32 years, a management consultant for Fortune 500 companies, former professional cheerleader and assistant prison warden. No question is out of bounds, but brace yourself for the candid answers from Sister Akos. Send letters to Akos@AkwaabaOnline.com

My mother can’t stand my in-laws. Is this something I should try to fix or stay out of it? What two adults decide to spend their day bickering about is their own problem. You will be better off minding your business and focusing on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for 4 months. She has all these “female friends” who keep calling him at all times. I have asked any guy friend I had to not call at late hours but I can’t get him to agree to do the same. What should I do? My best guess is that both of you are still clinging on to “friends” from your past. He can’t manage his communication with them like you do, hence the problem. The truth is, the moment you decided to get married was when you should have begun shedding of the friends of the opposite sex. You may be both playing with fire with you ex’s and “friends” lurking in your relationship.

My 9 year old daughter likes to play with the boys and detest hanging out with the girls. Is this a tendency I should be paying attention to or she will grow out of it? Please let the kids be kids and stop the unnecessary extrapolation.

My maternity leave is 6 weeks and I am dreading leaving my baby at daycare at 6 weeks old? Am I being paranoid or it’s not a big deal? I have been there, and I can tell you this is a tough one. Find a good daycare that you are comfortable with, and express your concerns to the manager or owner. Find one who accommodates your fears instead of one who dismisses item as “new mother drama”. You are perfectly normal, and in fact if a mother doesn’t cringe leaving their 6 week old in the care of a perfect stranger, that mother need to be mentally examined immediately. Congratulations on the baby. My son is allergies force us to stay indoors for the most part. I notice he is becoming a couch potato and I am struggling to find a balance between staying indoors and encouraging him to go outside. Any ideas? Find out what he is allergic to, it cannot be everything outside, and he cannot stay indoors forever. Be specific so that you will know how best to protect him. Encouraging him is one thing but you should do some research to narrow down the causes of the allergic reactions, and help him to overcome that trepidation.

I am 19 weeks pregnant and not sure who my child’s father is. Should I wait until the baby is born or contact the possible guys now? I didn’t want to put the baby through any mess? Honey, you should know by now. You have already put the baby through enough mess to be concerned about his well-being. Hopefully there are not as many possibilities as your letter reads, and they can do a quick paternity test to clean up some of this mess. Be grateful you didn’t come away with any STDs, and this should be a huge wake up call. My pastor is very open about his dislike for homosexuals. I personally don’t care but the church is becoming divided with people with strong opinions and others who are more tolerant. What is the best way to navigate this? Your pastor is entitled to his opinion. He answers to God, not to constitutional amendments and provisions so I cannot fault him for saying that is what his bible teaches. The bible does not condone hate under any circumstance. What you should be pondering though [I am guessing you are also a Christian] is what God expects of you as a Christian.

Whether it’s washing off the dirt from a day in the garden or sweat from your kids’ sports game, your shower is likely to see more use during the summers. Be sure to remind everyone to keep a window open or the fan on during every shower to prevent humidity (which is the perfect environment for mold).

Summer is the time for eating outdoors. Whether you’re firing up the grill or hosting a potluck, you’ll most likely be spending a lot of time on your patio this season. When it comes to patio furniture, you can use a gentle mixture of detergent and clean water give it a good scrub down.

The key to prepping the laundry room for a summer full of washing, drying and folding grass-stained Tshirts and shorts is organization. Since summer presents an entirely different set of stains you’d encounter in most other seasons (condiments, ice cream, grass, dirt), you’ll no doubt need to be able to sort what clothes needs pretreating and those you can simply toss into the washer — which may require more room than you’d think!

Hot temperatures cause a stinky reminder that this is a great time to give your garbage can a scrub down. While spring cleaning is all about organizing and surfaces, summer is the perfect time to get into the nitty gritty of everything else in the kitchen — like appliances.

Even if your house is sparkling clean when you walk through, there’s something about a pantry that gets overlooked. This is the perfect time to organize all the usable items (after throwing away the expired or “why-did-I-buy-this?” kinds of foods, of course) for easy access — because there’s nothing worse than a house full of people rummaging for something in the very back of the pantry and knocking everything over in the process!

||| EDITORS’ PICKS Continued from page 24 READING IS RELAXING. READING IS STIMULATING. Here at Akwaaba Family Magazine, we strongly encourage reading at all age levels, and think it gives a wealth of knowledge. We even think reading reduces stress. It takes time and takes concentration, but there is nothing as fascinating that being engaged in an activity that helps you immerse yourself into the text. Our focus IN THIS ISSUE is topics for parents and excellent reading.

LOVE & RESPECT Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs

THINGS FALL APART

China Achebe

Are you stuck in the "crazy cycle"? Do you want to feel close and valued? You can experience marriage the way God intended. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can learn to meet one another's needs quickly, easily, and biblically.

Two intertwining stories, both centering on Okonkwo, a “strong man” of an Ibo village in Nigeria.

THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES

FIGHT FAIR! Winning at Conflict Without Losing Love

Gary Chapman

Marriages may be made in heaven, but they must be nurtured here on earth. Dr. Gary Chapman explains how people communicate love in different ways, and shares the wonderful things that happen when men and women learn to speak each other's language.

These perfectly harmonized twin dramas are informed by an awareness capable of encompassing at once the life of nature, human history, and the mysterious compulsions of the soul.

Tim & Joy Bowns

Everyone disagrees on some things; this is inevitable. The question is, how can we disagree with those we love, but increase the odds that we will live and love to fight another day. Fight Fair! is a candid and realistic "rulebook" for married couples to ensure that their conflict is Godhonoring and respectful of their partner.

I stumbled onto an article a few years ago in Psychology Today magazine and it hit the nail on the issue perfectly. What is behind the obsession or the fascination with reality TV characters? What makes supposedly “normal people” be enamored by watching extremely privileged, and often very conceited people live their lives? According to the Psychology Today article, the fascination with reality television “stems from a desire to fantasize about the prospect of easily acquired fame”. Of course no one will readily admit this, but underlying all of this could reasonably be the social comparison theory that reality TV lovers (or addicts) love to refute. We watch because it makes us feel better about ourselves What about the shameful catfights, the fashion choices, and ego-driven condescending discussions add any value to a mother’s life? Would our time be well spent if we stepped outdoors and went for a hike, or psyched ourselves up to take up drawing, painting, dancing or some other creative activity

The harsh reality in all of this is to be sure you don’t get stuck in a make-believe world while the real world passes you by. By Maame L. Gyamfuah

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In FOCUS

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