A L I C E & T H E M U M S Issue 5 | June 2020
WORKING MUMS EDITION Stories from mum bloggers and influencers on juggling motherhood with their working lives
WHAT IS PEP RASH? Krupali Gore shares her experience with PEP rash and gives tips on how to deal with the persistent itching!
TWIN BIRTH Emini Jaggan on the birth of her twins and ignoring your birth plan
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CONTENTS 05
08
05
08
TWIN BIRTH
PEP RASH
Emini Jaggan tells us about how her birth didn't go to plan- but that didn't matter with the birth of Ralph and Reuben.
What is it? How is it treated? Why does it happen? All your questions answered.
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13
KAYLA PART TWO
ONE OUT OF THREE
Last month Kayla told us about her Wendy Woodside explains what her pregnancy. This week she tells us her first pregnancy was like and how birth story! things are now with her three girls.
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22
20
24
16
18
SADIE'S BIRTH
EDITOR'S REVIEWS
From a possible C Section to epistomy and forceps, read the ups and downs of Sadie's birth.
Read reviews from our Editor! This month it's Valentus coffee and Tropic gradual tan.
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22
BUGGYCLEANVALET
CAREER DRIVEN
Nicola Spencer tells us all about how Megan Bath on juggling her career she made her passion her career. driven attitude around her little boy.
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26
34
31
36
26
PHD MUM LIFE
DEAR COLLEAGUES
Faye Acton on spinning many plateswork, being a mum and completing a PHD.
Editor Alice King writes an honest open letter to her colleagues.
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31
THE WFH MUM
LETTING GO OF CONTROL
Lauren Xena Campbell on the expectations vs reality of working from home.
Nicola Duffy tells us how she felt returning to work and worrying less.
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36
WORK AFTER MAT LEAVE
LOSE TO WIN
Sub Editor Helen Marshall on how Rebecca Thompson tells us about going back to work gives you back a how the return to work will leave sense of 'you.' you missing the kids and loving adult life again all at once.
EDITOR'S NOTE This issue is predominantly full of stories for and by working mums. When you have just cracked that crazy new role as a mother, the idea of work comes along and throws a spanner in the works. Some women don't want to go back to work, some women can't afford not to. But whatever your circumstances, there is no denying that being a working mum is absolutely exhausting. With it comes a new collection of choices to make- nursery? Childminder? Nanny? Grandparents? Evening work only? Work from home? Get a new business up and running? No matter what choice you make, you'll be full of doubt and ounces of guilt that you just. Can't. Shake. Being a working mum doesn't make you any less of a mum, it just makes your mum role different. It gives you another layer of motherhood- you aren't only a care giver, but you are financially responsible for your child too. You have to stroll into the office each morning, longing to hold your child, kiss their forehead and tell them you love them. Being a working mum isn't all that bad, don't get me wrong. You gain back a bit of your pre-mum life. You have some freedom and independence that stay at home mums may not have. You get to use your brain again! HURRAH! And spend time with actual adults... and wear something other than jeans and trainers. It's all about striking a balance, and that balance isn't always there and it often changes and rebalances, but a happy mummy equals a happy baby, and sometimes there are things that we must just do... ALICE & THE MUMS | 4
Alice King Editor & Director
A NATURAL TWIN BIRTH
EMINI JAGGAN DREAMED OF A TWIN BIRTH WITHOUT MEDICATION WITH A PERFECT BIRTH PLAN. ALTHOUGH NOT FOLLOWING THE PLAN, SHE STILL HAD A BEAUTIFUL BIRTH...
ALICE & THE MUMS | 6
From the moment I found out I was pregnant I always envisaged how I’d want my labour and birth to go, as does any woman I imagine! This all swiftly changed at 7 weeks pregnant when I was told I was expecting twins shocker! Multiple pregnancies are classed as high risk, which does pose a problem for those Mums who want to labour in their own way as I did. I wanted to labour unmedicated, in a birthing pool with time after birth for delayed cord clamping on each twin. None of this happened but I’ll get into that in a bit. Most doctors recommended that twin mum’s should give birth before 37 weeks. As recommended, I was booked in for my induction at 36+6 (FINALLY!) I honestly felt like my pregnancy went on for years. At 28 weeks I was already measuring at a 40 week singleton pregnancy so I was dreading getting any bigger and I just wanted to meet my boys as soon as possible. Luckily for me, both of my boys were head down & Twin 1 was already engaged ready to come out. It meant I was able to avoid a C-Section - something that absolutely terrified me, although, I think the thought of pushing out two babies did too! I went in for my induction in the morning. My midwife (Jess her name was and she was my saviour, in my deluded state I probably saw a halo shine over - a literal angel!) proceeded to do an internal just to check if I was fully effaced or dilated in anyway. She actually mentioned that she could already feel Twin 1’s head and told me with the pessary that I’d be in active labour in no time… and she was right. They inserted the pessary and stuck me on a monitor and within 10 minutes my contractions had started and the only advice I was given was to walk. Walk walk walk! I walked up and down Broomfield Hospital for about 6 hours. All I could think to myself was “wow this is easy, if it’s like this till I give birth then I’ll be ok”... how wrong was I. After about 6/7 hours, my contractions started getting so
intense and strong, a common symptom of induced labour, to the point they were making me vomit. I was given codeine and told to go and soak in the bath, I literally felt like a hippo in a small puddle! I kept asking the midwives to check how dilated I was and they did - I was 4cm! Time to move to the labour ward yay! I was transferred to the labour ward and by this point I’d envisaged moving about, bouncing on a ball, etc. all that jazz that I was told helps with contractions and make you more comfortable. Unfortunately due to being high risk you have to be monitored constanty, so, I had a BP cuff around my arm, I had 2 cannula’s in for various medications and I had 2 foetal heart beat monitors strapped around my belly (these were SO annoying and kept slipping off, in the end they put a clip on Twin 1’s head to measure his heartbeat that way). I also had various injections being stabbed into my leg and I’m telling you those gave me agro for weeks after birth! I was pushed to have an
"IT WAS THAT MOMENT THAT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LABOUR EXPERIENCE." epidural, something I had agreed to just in case I had to be rushed for an emergency CSection, but I wanted it later on in labour. Much to my dismay that didn’t happen and I was given the epidural at 4cm. This was by far the most horrendous experience of my life, Twin 1 was crushing my Sciatic nerve. Every time the anaesthetist inserted the needle into my spine he would strike the nerve and make me cry out. It was excruciating, he tried twice to insert the needle into different areas and eventually decided that it would be painful wherever he went in (cue the traumatic experience). This then led to my birthing partner and midwife holding me still whilst he gave me my epidural. It was that moment that completely changed my labour experience. It left me shaking and sobbing. I shook for the rest of my labour until I gave birth. This happened at 10:30pm. I gave birth at 6:12am and 6:24am. The rest of my labour was a bit of a blur. I kept vomiting, I was trying to do my breathing, I was also trying to sleep, hoping the epidural would give me some respite from those god awful contractions but it didn’t. Eventually at 4am, I was told I was 10cm dilated so I could push! I had about 15 people in my room whilst I gave birth, 2 of which were birthing partners and the rest were doctors, midwives and paediatric consultants. At that
B Y E M I N I J A G G A N
point I was already naked, covered in my own vomit and had lost all self respect and dignity so I didn’t have a care in the world at who saw my pum! I listened to the lead midwife so attentively, pushing when she told me to and, finally, after what felt like a lifetime, Reuben was born. He was placed on my belly for about 20 seconds and his cord cut straight away, no delayed cord clamping there. But it didn’t end there, so after a 10 minute breather I told my midwife I needed to push again. At 6:24am Ralph came flying out in the world. He came out so quickly that he couldn’t catch his breath and was taken away to be given oxygen. Again, no cord clamping. He was so small (4lbs 11), much smaller than Reuben (5lbs 9). But my two boys were here and they were (and still are) beautiful! The aftermath is a bit of a blur to be honest, lots of adrenaline, bleeding and soreness and all I wanted was a shower... oh and the world famous tea and toast they give you! The shower was the hardest shower I’ve ever had, my adrenaline must have kicked in so I again began to tremble and couldn’t even talk or hold myself up. I didn’t get the exact labour that I wanted but it was an experience in itself and nothing really goes to plan does it? I certainly didn’t plan on having twins and yet we were blessed with them anyway. We got two beautiful children out of it and it’s certainly not putting me off having anymore! I think my labour and birth has taught me not to be so planned and regimented in my ways. I had written my birth plan and I’m telling you not one thing that was on there had been done but that’s ok. As long as you’re happy and comfortable and have a beautiful baby (or two) at the end of it then everything is perfect in my eyes. ALICE & THE MUMS | 7
PEP RASH IN PREGNANCY
1/150 WOMEN ARE EFFECTED BY THIS PREGNANCY RASH. KRUPALI TELLS US MORE ABOUT HER STRUGGLES... BY KRUPALI GORE I was absolutely over the moon when I became pregnant last year; I had always dreamed of becoming a mother and loved the feeling of growing a little human inside me. However, I was taken aback in my third trimester when I suddenly developed a pregnancy rash called PEP (Polymorphic Eruption of Pregnancy, and also known as PUPPP, Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy) which left me housebound; scarred with scratches from the unbearable itching; and severely sleep deprived at a time when I was heavily pregnant. PEP is reported to strike around 1/150 pregnant women and usually appears in the stretchmarks of the bump, generally
occurring later in pregnancy. More stretching often occurs in first pregnancies or when carrying multiples, so PEP predominantly manifests in these scenarios. Fortunately, the rash is not said to pose a risk to the baby; plus, it’s useful to know that while there is no treatment. as such, there are recommendations to try to manage the discomfort. The rash typically goes away by itself a few
"THE RASH DOES NOT POSE A RISK TO THE BABY." weeks after baby arrives, so it can sometimes end up lasting for several months depending on the timing of its onset, like it did for me. My rash first started with small pimples on my fingers, bump and feet at the start of my third trimester. These pimples then quickly developed into a red, hive-like rash and spread ALICE & THE MUMS | 9
aggressively across my décolletage, chest, breasts, arms, underarms, bump and inner thighs. Eventually, this all blistered and merged into large deep purple/brown plaques. If I’m honest, I couldn’t stand the sight of my my body - I found it unrecognisable and, frankly, quite traumatising at the time. I could barely wear clothes without causing more irritation, I couldn’t leave the house as the sun/heat made it flare up, and it was the start of a heatwave. It was very difficult being cut off from my social world in the last few months pre-baby; I was even unable to attend one of my own baby showers and I had to take an early maternity leave. Thankfully, I had the company of my little gymnast inside my bump along the way, kicking, hiccuping and bringing me flashes of joy and motivation each day. The main silver linings which helped me throughout my months with PEP were knowing that baby was safe, as that was the initial concern, and also that PEP does not usually spread to the face! However, the worst part, was the relentless itching; I had never been in so much discomfort in my life. The itching was constant and intense. It was round the clock and stopped me from sleeping at night, when I was most exhausted in my third trimester. Home remedies I tried (after consulting with my midwife) included: Using cold compresses/wet cloths Using a fan or air conditioning unit Applying fresh aloe vera to calm and soothe the skin Applying natural oils to moisturise and relieve itchiness - e.g. olive, almond and coconut oils (I moisturised at least 45-60 minutes to try to hydrate the skin and relieve the itching) Wearing loose, pure cotton clothing. Other tips I would give are Soaking in an oatmeal bath Wearing mittens to prevent scratching These methods only provided fleeting relief to my escalating rash. I had been to Urgent Care and visited multiple GPs some of whom seemed to be learning about PEP from me! I tried so many different prescriptions, but nothing helped me. Eventually, I had to visit a dermatologist who prescribed steroid ALICE & THE MUMS | 10
creams suitable for use in pregnancy, which I reluctantly tried. These were the most effective, but still did not reduce the itching to a manageable level. I wanted to share my honest account to inform and support other expecting mothers and new mums, as I feel I didn’t have this knowledge or support myself. So, to any women out there suffering from PEP, I know it can be awful, scarring and you may not love looking at your amazing, pregnant body at this time. That’s okay. Things will improve and you will become increasingly more focused on the arrival of your baby as the due date draws closer. It’s all part of our incredible, surreal pregnancy experiences and once your little baby is in your arms, this rash will be the last thing on your mind, I assure you.
KAYLA S STORY: PART 2 '
Las t is s ue we h e ar d Kay l a t e l l us al l a bout he r pre gnancy , but n o w is t ime fo r t he s e c o n d pa r t o f he r s t o r y . . . t he birt h!
By Kayla Van Wyk
On Wednesday, 13th March I went for my 38-week
At 1 am on Friday morning, my contractions got
scan and little did I know that two days later we
so bad, I asked for the epidural. That was the worst
would meet our princess. But it wasn't all sunshine
mistake I had ever made in my entire life. My
and roses meeting her for the first time.
birthing story took a turn for the worst instead of
I was induced Thursday evening at 7 pm. I was
my blood pressure being high it dropped drastically
dilating very slowly and the midwife was sure they
which caused me to blackout. My birthing story that
would have to give me more meds to escalate the
was supposed to go smoothly turned to be horrific.
process. At 11 pm I was only at 4cm but my water
If only I had known that would happen, I would
didn't break yet. As soon as the midwife examined
never have taken the epidural. I don't know what it
me, my water broke. I asked the nurse, "did I just
was but it wasn't good for me.
pee myself wet?" She laughed and replied, "no, your
Past 4 when my gynae came in, he looked at the
water just broke" with a smirk on her face. That's
monitor and looked at me. I was worried, but I kept
when my contractions got worse.
quiet. God says "Be still and know that I am God". I
ALICE & THE MUMS | 11
never once let my fears take
exceeded our expectations in
importantly she has taught us
flight. My gynae said these words
every way. She is a beautiful ray
how important it is to allow God
that I wished he'd never said, "I'm
of sunshine with so much
to steward our plans in order for
sorry but we will have to do an
personality. She was so loved at
us to accomplish our purpose as
emergency c-section". My heart
the hospital that the midwives
parents. She has also made us
fell to the ground but I still
would come to fetch her in
realize we can do nothing without
trusted God. No matter what
between feeds just to play with
Jesus.they left off.
happened as long as we could
her.
save our precious baby girl we
We can not imagine our lives
would do anything.
without her in it. She completes
So they wheeled me in at 5 am, I
our family in every way
got sick on the operatingtable but
imaginable. She has taught us
the staff was amazing. At 5:20 am
how to love unashamedly, with no
on that beautiful Friday morning
limitations. She has taught us
the 15th of March 2019, our curly-
that small things do matter and to
headed baby girl was born.
cherish each day. She has taught
She was everything we had ever prayed for and more. God
us that you can love someone with everything you have within you. But most
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"She completes our family in every way imaginable."
The First of Three
By Wendy Woodside
Wendy tells us about her first pregnancy with her daughter Savannah, who turned out to be a whopping 11 pounds! it was January 20th 2011- the day I was due to give birth to my baby girl, Savannah. But before I talk about my birth, I will begin 9 months earlier. I had been trying to concieve for 4 years, months after month and with 1 miscarriage I got to the point of giving up... and then there were 2 lines! I was excited, and felt so many emotionsscared, happy, nervous, but most of all relief. It felt like forever waiting for that first scan, when i get to see this little life of mien growing inside me- and there she was, all healthy. I was so happy that she was all happy and snug. Then as I couldn't wait to find out if they were a boy or a girl, I anticipated the 20 week scan. She was a girl! And everything was fine. She just grew so fast I was showing more and more each week, each time i was measuring larger than the average when the midwife asked me to do a gestational diabetes test. This is when they check your blood sugar levels to see if you have a spike of insulin in your blood. This sometimes happens in pregnancy and it means that you have what is called gestational diabetes. I was cleared o f that and my blood sugar levels were normal. At 34 weeks, I had a growth scan to see the size of my baby. I had the scan and she was estimated at 10 pounds in weight and in breach position, which didn't surprise me as I knew she was big. She wriggled and kicked around relentlessly and even woke me up at nights from moving. She was quite a strong kicker. I was advised to have an elective C Section
ALICE & THE MUMS | 14
because she wouldn't turn from breach and
heard the loudest cry and I knew my Savannah had
because of her size this would or could be risky. It
arrived. I held her. She stopped crying and she
was just a safer option at the time.
was trying to look for me. The love I felt was so
So back to the 20th January and I was in the hospital at 6AM. Oh the nerves of mine. Almost there. "Am I next?"
pure and like nothing I've ever felt before. She turned out to be 11 pounds exactly and she was a healthy, lively baby. I went on to have 3 lovely, beautiful girls. Astrid
"When are they coming to take me?"
2 and a half years later and Ahsoka 6 years after
And finally they called my name. I was taken
Astrid. All three were different. Three completely
down to theatre. At this point I was anxious and
different pregnancies and all three turned out fine.
panicking. The whole ordeal of the epidural really
And i thought I would never have any of my
frightened me. It was fine, it was quick and I was
children!
laying there listening to all the doctors. Then I
ALICE & THE MUMS | 15
SADIE'S BIRTH STORY BY SADIE O'CONNELL Friday 13th December, I was 40+5 weeks and by this point I didn’t think this baby was ever going to make an appearance. It was 1pm and I hadn’t felt her move all day, I had to go to assessment for a check after doing all the usual things. Everything was fine and as always as soon as I went on the monitor the baby was wiggling all over the place. As I had been in for a couple of episodes of reduced movements a Dr came to speak to us. She completely threw me off as she said if I wanted to stay in I could be induced, or I could have a sweep. I opted for the sweep and wow does that feel weird. It does exactly what it says on the tin and you feel every inch of it! We got home at about 4.30 and I was in agony. By 6.30pm I was on my Gym ball with contractions coming every 5mins or so. I tried to stay busy and we ordered a takeaway so I could try and get a big meal in me. The pain from the contractions was intense but I was coping. By 10pm they were worse and I was having my 2nd bath of the night. Something I didn’t realise was that your body decides to completely empty itself before labour. Wow I really regretted that takeaway! My husband sat on the bathroom floor and was timing the contractions using an app on his phone. I was really in pain at this point and I’d rung the midwives who said I still wasn’t ready to go in. At midnight I was pacing the living room watching Beauty & The Beast. Not even a Disney film could help right now. 4.30am and I’d had enough I was struggling so bad and knew we had to leave. My contractions were 1 – 3 minutes apart and were very intense. We arrived at the maternity unit just after 5am. I was put in a room that had a huge birthing pool that I couldn’t wait to get into! I didn’t really write a birth plan but knew I ALICE & THE MUMS | 16
wanted a water birth. I got straight onto the gas and air and the midwife asked me to undress for an examination. As I took my trousers off I felt a HUGE pop in my lower stomach. I said to the midwife “ I think mywaters may have just gone” But I was confused, It looked like a load of brown gunk was coming out of me. This is when things took a different turn. The Midwife said it was Meconium. Basically the baby had pooped inside me, this is apparently common in over due babies. I couldn’t stay in the maternity unit and had to be transferred upstairs to the delivery unit as I had to stay on continuous monitoring. I was devastated, I knew there was no birthing pool there and I hated the thought of being stuck on the monitor, but it needed to be done to keep the baby safe. At this point I was only 3cm and was told to be prepared for a long day. I was transferred upstairs and wow my contractions were kicking in harder. I was biting so hard on the gas and air tube and shouting into it. My husband was telling me to be quiet which was not helping. I begged for some pain relief and opted for an epidural. Things started to get pretty scary after this. The babies heart rate kept jumping around so there was talk of putting a clip on her head. I had a lovely midwife called Lucy and she decided to wait a bit and it seemed to have settled. However they had noticed that my heart rate had started to climb and I had a high temperature which are all signs of an infection. I had to be put on some antibiotics so as well as my epidural I ended up having tubes everywhere! They managed to settle my temperature and my heart rate was slowly coming down. I had an examination at 11am and we were all being hopeful that I would be 5cm. I was 9! Lucy said that I’d been having back to back contractions on top of one another and no wonder I was begging for an epidural. I felt relieved as I thought I had been acting like a right wimp. By 1pm I was finally fully dilated and it was go time! I did a few big pushes and gave it everything I possibly could! No sign of the baby still. Lucy was struggling to feel her position as she was covered
in meconium. She managed to get a good feel of her head and realised that she had flipped and was now back to back. Her face said it all. I knew this wasn’t going to be straight forward. I was flipped about on the bed and was put in the most unflattering positions, It’s true that you lose all dignity giving birth. I pushed and pushed for over an hour but she was not budging. As soon as Lucy said she was going to get the Dr I started to panic. The Dr tried to move the baby and I tried pushing some more. She then said something that had never entered my mind. A C-section. I really hadn’t thought about one and I just burst out crying in fear. I had to sign a big yellow form that said they were going to try to deliver with Forceps first and if that fails it’ll be a section. I was taken to theatre and my husband was there in his scrubs. I had a stronger dose of epidural and there must have been about 8 people in the room. It was very daunting. The Dr said she was going to give me an episiotomy and start the forceps procedure. I was asked to push and it’s a weird feeling because I had such a high dose of epidural I couldn’t feel a thing yet my body was still able to push. Finally at 15.51 on December 14th 2019 my baby girl was born weighing 7lbs 5oz. My husband brought her over, and I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t quite believe she was mine, it was such a surreal feeling seeing her for the first time. My birth was completely opposite to what I had imagined, and I wish hadn’t set my heart on a water birth. My advice to anyone about to go through this is have an open mind and don’t set your heart on anything. These little babies do what they want, and mine certainly wanted to enter the world as a little drama queen. Fast forward almost 6 months and she’s still a little diva!
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ALICE & THE MUMS
EDITOR'S REVIEWS FITNESS
VALENTUS BRAZILLIAN ROAST he Valentus Brazillian Roast
T
has helped me lose 10lbs in just 4 weeks. It's completely changed my eating habits and I truly needed it during lockdown! I am a constant snacker, but I found since lockdown my habits were uncontrollable and I was ditching my healthy snacks for choclate and biscuits. I was gaining weight quickly, and felt so sluggish and my esteem was low. I had one coffee in the morning and within a few days I noticed I wasn't craving food throughout the day anymore and my meal sizes were smaller. I felt so much more energetic and positive and noticably was putting better food into my body! Please note that this is not a meal replacement- it should be drunk
BEAUTY
TROPIC GRADUAL TAN I have used a number of Tropic products now, I love their cleanser and will probably tell you all about the Super
something else I've never seen with any other tan. I applied before bed and slept with it
Greens oil next month because its
on over night. No evidence was left on the
REVOLUTIONISED my skincare routine. But
bedsheets and I didn't get that "I need to
my favourite product to date is the gradual
wash this tan smell off me immediately!"
tan.
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I'm infamously known for my constant
The colour was perfect- not too dark
need to fake tan. I'm sickly pale naturally,
and matched my skin tone. I applied it on
and because of my dark hair people
my face too and after cleansing and
always assume that I'd tan easily.
moisturising I didn't feel the pore blockage
Unfortunately that's not the case. We all
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The thing I noticed first when applying it was it's gorgeous smell. It smells nothing
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BEFORE AFTER ALICE & THE MUMS | 18
Working Mum Stories
BEFORE
MAKE YOUR PASSION YOUR CAREER! BY NICOLA SPENCER
AFTER
I have always been told when looking for a job ‘to concentrate on what you love’ – find your passion and build a job around that and not only will you be happier in your work but you’ll also excel in it as you will genuinely love what you do! I’m Nicola, mum of two, and the owner of buggycleanvalet – a buggy cleaning service based in Chelmsford. I love buggies (I am a little bit obsessed… OK a lot obsessed) and I have probably owned most models at some point – my children are 5 and 2 so we are just about getting out of the buggy stage (which is a shame – I cried when I sold my Bugaboo Donkey – such a great double buggy but I couldn’t justify keeping it) and so to have other peoples buggies into the workshop is such a joy and then to have them restored to new is just amazing! There is nothing more satisfying than mums telling you they’ve saved so much money being able to use their existing car seat and travel system for their next baby! Like many other mums, I had a great career before I had children. When my first daughter, Rosie, was born I switched to part-time but I stopped working altogether when Sophie, my second, arrived. I freely admit that I missed going to work every day, plus the actual work,
hand buggies and I did not want my baby to be sitting in an unhygienic buggy, so they were given a good deep clean, I had fixed wheels and replaced handles restoring them to new! Because of this I am able to advise parents on their buggy and trouble spots to look out for. We all know how expensive a travel system can be and how much value they lose when you sell them– so I was already a pro at cleaning and have the knowledge on how to restore various types of buggy and the tricky areas to watch out for! For any Mums that are looking for a career that fits in and around children I would say find something that you are good at, something that you love and think about ways that you can turn that into a career. Will it be easy? No. It will be hard work.Will it be worth it? 100%.
however I did not miss the mum guilt! (or nursey fees). I needed something that would fit in with school term-times and school hours, as all parents are searching for those jobs, they really are like gold dust! It’s akin to trying to win the lottery – not impossible – but really bloody hard! I felt so annoyed that the government are trying to get women in the work force but do not actually offer adequate assistance in order to work and bring up a family! Why do you get free funding when your child turns 3? What are you supposed to do for childcare in the ages 1-2? Don’t employers realise how many women are leave the work place, not because they want to, but because they have to?! After many an unfruitful job search, I decided to set up on my own. I’d built a career as an accountant, but decided to explore a new avenue (although I’ll always hold my qualification and do still prepare tax returns). So I followed what I was passionate about and buggycleanvalet was born! I am now a buggy restorer! I’ve always been told to find something that you are passionate about so buggies it was! Due to my own experience of chopping and changing my own buggies all of the time, I had invested in a cleaning machine. I had always bought second
CHECK OUT NICOLA'S BUSINESS AT @BUGGYCLEAN VALET ON INSTAGRAM OR ON HER WEBSITE: WWW.BUGGY CLEANVALET. CO.UK
ALICE & THE MUMS | 21
T hSummary e Career Driven Mum By Megan Bath Prior to having Harrison, my career was my
women can’t work because they couldn’t
baby. I was so driven to finish University and
afford childcare.
create the life that I wanted. I had given
So, yes I have a job, and one I love and yes
thought about having children, I knew I
I still am able to spend time with and love
wanted children but I always wanted to be in
Harrison. I'm not saying that working whilst
a stable environment first.
raising a child is easy, and I don’t really know
Since having Harrison, Ive learnt that
what to say when people ask, ‘How do you do
being a mum is an incredible leveller. It
it all?’ Maybe the best answer is ‘I don’t.’ So
forces you to change your priorities, to see
maybe rather than asking that, the question
the world differently and to truly cherish
should be, ‘How do you make it work?’. The
every day. So when your maternity leave is
answer would be that, I give myself
up, and it's time to stick or twist, it's a HARD
permission to have a sink full of dirty dishes,
decision. Deciding to be a stay-at-home mum
be the mum with the child at nursery that
is SOOO appealing, yet it's a full-time job
always has super crazy hair, and be OK with a
with no respite. As your toddler grows so
walk down the street as my exercise that day.
does the task of entertaining them from the crack of dawn until In the Night Garden ends.
The best advice I can come up with is: Be flexible, lower your expectations, laugh at
I was told by family and friends that I
yourself, be present and try to enjoy the little
wouldn’t be able to hack it, that I'd struggle
moments. I am now getting into the stride of
to leave Harrison for a day whilst I venture to
being a mum. But, here’s the truth and I go
work. BUT .. I chose work not because I have
back to the beginning for this. Being a career
to, but because I can. I’m very privileged to
driven woman is hard, add a child into the
be able to choose whether or not I work.
mix and you reach new levels of difficulty.
Some women work because they have to in
And it’s about time we all stopped pretending
order to feed their families. Some.
it’s any other way. We
ALICE & THE MUMS | 22
need to create a society where women can ask for help without feeling “weak” and be
Summary
honest about their commitments to their
children without the feeling of fear. We need to stop pretending we can do it all.
My advice to full-time working mums is to know your limits. Know how much time you need alone – outside of work and kids – because when you are burnt out, both of your jobs will suffer. So key things I have learnt as a career Mum: 1. I have learned that it's OK to ask for everyone to muck in whilst mum simultaneously prints 4 documents, and cooks dinner of course. 2. That life is going to be chaotic for a little while. 3. That I get just as excited about new clients as I do my sons birthday card being read out on CBeebies. 4. That I’m successful in my career because of my amazing friends and family around me. 5. Sometimes when you have had a bad day you just need to ‘let it go’ – yup, seen frozen too many times. 6. That my career will grow with my family, not my family grow with my career. Kudos to every mum out there. None of us are doing it perfectly, but every mum I know is doing her best. The most important thing we can do is not judge each other and give each other – and ourselves – grace.
"Be flexible, lower your expectations, laugh at yourself, be present and try to enjoy the little moments." ALICE & THE MUMS | 23
SPINNING PLATES: WORK, PHD, MUM BY FAYE ACTON Jack of all trades master of none...that's how I feel a lot of the time. I work part time as a researcher for a local university, I am studying part time for a PhD and I am a mum…I clearly don’t like the quiet life! My little boy, Jake, is now 17 months old, I went back to work when he was 10 months and I feel like I am still getting used to life as a working mum. Having a baby changes you in many ways, but one of the ways I wasn't expecting it to change me was with regards to my selfconfidence and self-belief. As a new mum you constantly question your abilities and if you are doing the right thing. Some days just getting to the end of the day with everyone alive and well felt like an achievement! I thought that going back to work and back to my study would be different, but it seems that some of the doubt has crept in. After a long conversation with my line manager (who luckily is also my PhD supervisor) I have started to realise it is all about mindset and positive talk. I need to change my rhetoric and tell myself that I am capable, I can do it and I have got the skills to take me through. I have always been a pretty organised person; I love a list and a planner to set out my week and my tasks. However, soon after going back to work I seemed to lose control a bit which was scary. Things that I had to do quadrupled and the time to do them in seemed to half! I have had to take my planning skills up a level, I colour coordinated my diary for work, personal and Jake and have a sperate ‘to do’ notebook to keep a track of all the boring mundane tasks which need to be done to keep everything moving along. ALICE & THE MUMS | 24
I will possibly never feel fully in control of everything at once and I need to make pace withthe fact that some days will be tougher than others. I think it is a bit like the spinning plates scenario – I need to keep them all spinning, it is okay for some to wobble and not spin perfectly all the time, but I need to make sure they don’t fall and smash! Organisation and positive talk is the key and if I can offer one piece if advice to anyone going back to work after maternity leave it would be to be kind to yourself. It will take time to get your head back into the game and that is okay!
"I NEED TO CHANGE MY RHETORIC AND TELL MYSELF THAT I AM CAPABLE, I CAN DO IT AND I HAVE GOT THE SKILLS TO TAKE ME THROUGH."
ALICE & THE MUMS | 25
A LETTER TO MY COLLEAGUES By Alice King Editor
Dear colleagues...
I’m sorry if some days I seem distracted, like I don’t want to talk or if I just stick my headphones in and get on with it. Some mornings it’s difficult. I wish you knew how it felt to leave your child every morning, knowing you won’t be able to hug them again until 5:30. Not knowing if they’re upset, if they’ve hurt themselves, if they need you. I know he has the best of days, playing with his friends and learning new things. But living with the guilt of that, and his big blue eyes as I say goodbye haunts me some mornings. But you’ll notice, being a mum doesn’t stop me from doing my job the majority of the time. If anything, I work harder now, I’ve got more drive and someone to work hard for other than myself. I need to provide. I need to prove myself even more now I’m juggling more balls, spinning more plates. I will
never let being a mum stop me from achieving my goals or working my way to where I want to be. Maybe that’s why I struggle so much when others don’t pull their weight. That’s why I get so angry when I put in so much effort and there’s those juggling far less balls that don’t put in the same. I recently read a passage from a feminist, motivational book, and the passage was about how it’s impossible to have it all- a career, a family, a strong relationship, a social life, hobbies, all at once. It’s true. You want to have everything, but you can’t. Working mum life is full of compromise. So on a Friday of a tough week, when you can go down the pub and have a pint, full to the brim with stories returning that Monday morning, remember there is nothing I want more than to join you, but I’d prefer to go home and snuggle on the sofa watching ALICE & THE MUMS | 27
Toy Story for the 176th time with Ted. Then there are the days that I have to let you down, because Ted is unwell and he needs me. I sit on the sofa, holding him close to me, letting him sleep on me, and I check my emails, feeling another sort of guilt, because you have to cover my lessons, pick up my workload, and now there’s a competing guilt. But that competing guilt would never outweigh the one I would feel if anyone else would have to care for him but me. It’s difficult when you want what’s best for everyone. When you can’t afford to not work and can’t afford to work. When you essentially work just to pay childcare some months. I wish I could afford to work part time and build my businesss during naps and in the evenings, but I can’t, so I’m making do in the best way I can. I hope you understand that. I hope you realise that despite all that, ALICE & THE MUMS | 28
I never self pity. I could complain, I could cry, I could get stressed or worked up. But I don't. What good would that do me? I get on with it and regardless do a brilliant job. I thought being a mum was the hardest job in the world, but being a working mum is even harder. But it’s so worth it for those precious weekends, holidays and being able to treat my boy. It’s not ideal- but this is my happy little life. I know it's not going to change any time soon, but actually, that's okay with me. Anyway, the pros of the teaching profession is we get to make up for it all in the holidays! We certainly do cram in as many activities and as much as possible. And although there is no real balance -ever- and it truly is ever-changing- especially with these weird circumstances we are in during this pandemic, we do our best. Doing our best is all anyone could really ask for.
Working From Home: BY LAUREN XENA CAMPBELL I thought I was being wise when I entered into my pregnancy with the expectation that my working life was about to become a hot mess. I thought that, if I prepared and was thrifty with my time, then I just might be able to make being a full-time mum and work-from-home writer work. I spent the first few months of my pregnancy attempting to prepare and maintain a foolhardy positivity that experienced parents chuckled at. My plan was to spend my maternity working on my own writing prior to going back to full time freelancing. Reality has a way of making us laugh at ourselves. As equipped and optimistic as I tried to be; I neglected one simple fact – for all former routines and plans, just one tiny misstep or hiccup in my day, would not only throw off my days' productivity as I expected it too but often pushed my whole weeks' goals out the window. As I steadily got in the swing of being a new mummy I knew I also had to adapt my working routine. Creativity had to be instant – I could no longer wait for inspiration or the morning coffee to kick in. I just had to get up and go. My son and I are still working it out. At four months old, his feeding is slowing down ready for weaning but breastfeeding is still the biggest timesuck on my day. With up to 6-8 hours of holding my son whilst he feeds, I had to adapt my methods. That is why this article was drafted on my mobile phone whilst my son enjoyed breakfast. I keep a laptop stand next to the sofa, so I can respond to emails rather than watch TV. I use a dictaphone for recording notes if I don’t have a phone to hand. I'm very fortunate to have a supportive husband who tries to be on baby duty in the evenings and at weekends. I express milk so if I have to get some uninterrupted work in, he will take over a feed. He is also brilliant in the fact that he will help out with the washing and does chores so as to free up
Expectation VS Reality
the limited time I have in a day to focus on the more important but less urgent stuff (The Eisenhower Matrix). I try to utilise when Seth is sleeping, even if it means going to bed at midnight and getting up at 5 am. My son is a fantastic sleeper at the moment, sleeping through the night but that usually means he refuses naps during the day. This is very important to me as I would rather keep his awake time for bonding and play. I often suffer from feelings of guilt if for any reason I have to do something whilst he is awake and my husband is at work. If it does happen though, I try to include Seth as much as possible. I hold him either in my arms, in a baby carrier or let him sit in his bouncer with music whilst I attempt to carry a tune, dance in my office chair and write all at once. This often creates a fusion of chaos that often results in an entertained, giggling baby, many spelling errors and inserted song lyrics on my part. The biggest challenge I have found though is not juggling the workload of a baby, a business, and a household but rather finding the willingness to let some stuff go. And not judging myself, (or allowing others too) for it. I refuse to allow myself to be mumshamed in any way. It doesn't matter if the house isn't pristine or if I can't keep up with all my selfinflicted deadlines so long as my son is happy and healthy. Everything else will naturally come about in its own time. No doubt I will eventually come to rely on baby free business hours and the current plan is to have Seth go to nursery two or three afternoons a week as I gradually allow clients back into our routine after my maternity period ends. But for now, I'm enjoying my time with my little man, safe in the knowledge that this time doesn't last forever and I just want to enjoy it whilst I can. A work-life balance is a great ideal but ultimately all that matters is that I get to spend my day with my boy.
"I refuse to allow myself to be mum-shamed in any way." ALICE & THE MUMS | 30
Relinquishing Control
B Y
N I C O L A
D U F F Y
Starting work after maternity leave arrived in a wave of emotion for myself. This particular wave started to build up to a tsunami. I felt guilt that I wasn’t there with my son. I couldn’t help but wonder if he would notice that I wasn’t there. Well, you are not alone in feeling these emotions. So, imagine this… you work a twelve-hour shift and you hear from your parents who were telling you what your little amazing person has been up to. Maybe doing a milestone that they have been working up to. When I dropped my son off with family, who were delighted to have him. I continued to cry uncontrollably in the car on the way to work. I have never felt so bad leaving my son with my family. Never! I just sobbed in my car for 10 full minutes. It was heart-breaking. I felt heartbroken. I wanted to stay with my son so badly. I had never been away from my son for so long. The longest I spent away from him was 4 hours. Let alone 12 hours. Where I would only see him when he wakes up and when he would go to bed. I wouldn’t be able to read a bedtime story to him. I wouldn’t be able to make sure that he ate well at meal times. It’s hard - very hard - when working a twelve-hour shift. I miss most of the day with him. I miss his dirty laugh and I miss him walking to me to give me a hug and mis him shouting go! Even though he can be mischievous and can drive me nuts by throwing toys everywhere! A lot of people say “oh, you will be glad to get a rest when you are at work away from him”. However, I am not glad to be away from him. I felt that I should have stayed with him and that I shouldn’t work. However, I need to work so I can give him the childhood that I had. A childhood where we can go off on adventures and go on mystery tours. Where he and I can share magical moments together. Is that too much to ask? No! However, at this moment in time it is not possible. This does put slightly more stress on me. Fun fact, being a mum is two full time jobs! As you can imagine working two long days and spending a lot of time with my son means I have very little time to focus on myself (I know I
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should).As a mum I feel a lot of pressure to work and deal
guilt builds up inside and then suddenly the tsunami hits you!
with the guilt of leaving my son behind. I miss him terribly. I
So, you hide in the toilet and have a little cry to yourself.
miss him wanting to dance with me and his adoring big blue
Missing your little person’s touch and laugh. Missing their
eyes staring up at me. Why do I feel the guilt? The pressure!
milestones whether it will be the first time they said a name
It goes hand in hand with the guilt. It’s like a combination
or took a first step in the great outdoors. You just wish you
meal you get from a takeaway. This meant that I had to
could twitch your nose and move to where they are so you
relinquish my control over to my family. I had to ensure that
can see them. It’s heart-breaking.
they knew his routine and made sure they knew what to do
I have been working for the past 10 months and just like
when he would get upset. I also had to ensure that they
waves my emotions come and go. Sometimes I am so busy
knew how to handle my son when he became angry and the
that these emotions don’t build up but other days they
way I deal with his behaviour. That was one of the hardest
do. So, I here you ask, what do I do? I find a quiet place,
parts for me. I like to have a sense of control and be in
close my eyes and count taking deep breaths to calm me
control for most of the time so that I can provide the
down. It does work and my eyes don’t go red (a big plus
upbringing I want for my son. So much so, my family
there) and I feel calm and happy that my little person is
provided a report of how my son was throughout the day. It
showing off to other people who he loves.
included what he ate, how long he napped for and what he ate (it also noted if he had a bowel movement). When I work weekends, this means that I have to pass
As mums we get scrutinised if we are not working and also when we are working. Not fair! Do dads get scrutinised? No So why do mums get the pressure from
over the control to my husband. I know, that must be fine.
others? Do dads get the same pressure, more so, do dads
Initially, I found it hard. I had to message him and check my
get treated the same? I will leave that for you to decide! It
phone ensuring that they were both safe and well. I still do. I
has been well known for a long time that the dad works and
constantly worry about them when I am at work. If I haven’t
becomes the breadwinner and the mum stays at home and
heard from him recently, I would worry. I would worry that
becomes the house maker. Now times have changed and the
my son would have a nasty fall or he was playing up for his
cost of living has gone up. Therefore, both parents have to
dad. My head would be spinning with what if scenarios. I
work to not only pay for the essentials but also to pay to
would build this up until I would go into a panic. So, I knew I
create an amazing childhood for their little VIP!
had to handle this better.
My job is already mentally challenging. I had to work out how to not worry as much. I mean he was with his dad. He will be fine. Then I go and make it worse in my head. The
I have slowly released some of my control to my husband during this crazy time when I am at work. I am learning to become a better mum even when I am at work and becoming more patient and enjoying more of my time with my son.
ALICE & THE MUMS | 33 NOMADIC |
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Work After Mat Leave BY HELEN MARSHALL SUB EDITOR
It’s so strange, as soon as you’ve had your baby,
to work until Christmas Eve.
the first thing people seem to ask (well, not the
Many people smirked at that, but it was such a
first thing, but one of the top 10) is “when are
nice ease back into working life and the routine, it
you going back to work?” Really? I’ve just had a
was a blessing in disguise (it’s not like my then 11
baby, the last thing on my mind is going back to
month old had a clue what was going on)! It was a
the office!
joint decision that I would go back to work three
“Oooh, but it will come around quickly!” is usually
days a week, any more or less didn’t make sense
what I was greeted with when I responded by
with my salary and childcare costs, but that’s
shrugging it off – you know what, they were right.
another article for a different time. So, I really got back into the swing of things in
Maternity leave goes by in a blink of an eye. I gave birth in January and when I had the mandatory
January and, do you know what? It wasn’t as terrible
‘Back-to-Work’ meeting in August, I was facing the
as I imagined. I’m very lucky in that I have a
terrifying reality of leaving my baby at nursery with
wonderfully supportive boss and team, which made
strangers and stepping foot back in the office. I was
the transition so much easier for me, but I do like to
lucky, as I had all my holidays to use and didn’t
let other mums know that it really isn’t going to be
actually go back
as
ALICE & THE MUMS | 34
"I was a working mummy and that title both scared me and gave me a great sense of accomplishment. "
Now, I’m not going to lie, if you have a child that survives on minimal sleep like mine, going back to work can be a daunting idea. It was for me and it’s hard. The bad nights make the days slow and you wish that sometimes the little one didn’t need picking up from nursery, so you could go home, order a takeaway and lay down for the whole evening. However, I found that once you see their little face after 8 hours away, you get awful as you think it is. It was hard to be away from my little girl for
such a burst of oxytocin and adrenaline,
so long, but the nursery was a phone call away and has an app that I
that you wiz through tea, bath and bed
can keep updated with. I actually got to drink a hot cup of coffee for
time. Then you crash. Then you don’t get a
the first time since I brought my little one back from the hospital (it
full night’s sleep. Then you do it all again,
wasn’t even good coffee and it was absolutely heavenly).
because the love you feel for that
My first full-on day absolutely flew by, it gave me back a bit of
miniature human carries you through.
who I was and am; I wasn’t just mummy any more. I was a working
Plus, working in an office (although is hard
mummy and that title both scared me and gave me a great sense of
work) is absolute child’s play compared to
accomplishment. I could do something for my little girl other than
being at home with a toddler all day.
be at home with her all day. I can show her to take pride in what she
You’ll be thankful for the break. I know
does and go after what she wants. It actually gave me the courage
you’ll still worry, I did too, but you can do
to ask for more responsibilities at work, even though I was working
this, you will do this and you absolutely
reduced hours. I felt like I could actually do it. I’ve given birth, what
have got this!
the hell could be as scary as that?!
ALICE & THE MUMS | 35
TURNING LOSE-LOSE INTO WIN-WIN
THE WORKING
MUM BY REBECCA THOMPSON When my daughter, Daisy, was born in 2012, I was slap-bang in the middle of my undergraduate degree. I took some time off, which my uni were supportive of. After I returned, I had so many comments from friends, family and randoms (whose opinion I had not asked for, as with so many parenting tips) to the effect of how astounded they were that I had returned. Actually, I didn’t find juggling uni and a baby that challenging and I went on to get my postgraduate diploma and train and qualify as a solicitor. Fast-forward to 2018, I went on maternity leave for the birth of my son, Felix. I had a calendar on my phone continuing down the days until I was off. Everyone had told me maternity leave wasn’t a holiday and whilst they were right, it was a wonderful time. Slow-paced and in those days I mused about becoming the earthy mother I had always dreamed I would be: baking cakes, taking up haberdashery, going for oat milk coffees at independent cafes. Of course, the reality was that to sustain our life as we knew it, I had to return to work. As the time drew nearer, I forced myself to contemplate what it was about work that I didn’t want to return to. ALICE & THE MUMS | 37
"They have both had the opportunity to forge meaningful relationships with other caregivers in their lives and just as having a second child does not diminish the love for the first, these additional relationships that they have don’t diminish my bond with them." Firstly, I didn’t want to leave Felix. I felt guilty, I felt like a lesser mother because I wouldn’t be with him all the time. I even felt jealous that my in-laws and the nursery would get to spend so much time with him. My indignation was palpable, he was my baby, I deserve the most time with him. Now, I can see that this wasn’t a well-founded fear. I spent lots of time apart from my daughter and we have an incredibly strong bond. Additionally, my husband had to return to work when both kids were young and he is just as close with them as I am. They have both had the opportunity to forge meaningful relationships with other caregivers in their lives and just as having a second child does not diminish the love for the first, these additional relationships that they have don’t diminish my bond with them. My other main concern was the work itself. I knew I hadn’t been happy in my role before maternity leave and the thought of going back to that daily grind just didn’t appeal to me. I brought my bad days home with me and was resentful of the additional hours I had to put in. So, I started looking for a new role and we evaluated our finances and decided that it would be possible for me to drop a day. I found a job with a new employer which had a greater emphasis on the importance of work-life balance and a boss who understands that sometimes my family will need me at short notice. I’m now almost exactly 1 year on from my return to work. At first, I told myself to give it a grace period of 6 months. However, it took me less than that to realise that for me, the return to work was necessary. I relish the adult chat and being able to switch off from being ‘Mum, Mummy, Mama’ for 8 hours a day. Because of the time I spend at work, my hours at home are forced to be quality time. So do I miss my kids? Sometimes, yes. Am I glad I work? Absolutely. ALICE & THE MUMS | 38
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