JUNE 2021| ISSUE NO.17
A L I C E & T H E M U M S PARENTING EXPECTATIONS VS PARENTING REALITY In this month's Auntie K column
HOW TO STOP BREASTFEEDING
Top advice from an experienced mum!
DISCUSSING LOSS & INFERTILITY
RAISING AWARENESS AND SUPPORT 4 STORIES FROM MUMS THAT HAVE BEEN THERE
C O N T E N T S 04
Editor's Note
17
One Way Ticket to A&E
06
How I Stopped Breastfeeding
20
The Gap Between Parenting Expecations & Reality
10
Millennials & Mental Health
23
My Journey with Infertility
12
Making Your Environment Your RouteTo Success
27
Losing Jack
14
Living With Severe Sickness in Pregnancy
30
My Missed Miscarriage
33
The Heartbreak of Loss
EDITOR'S NOTE Welcome back to another issue!
CONTACT US EMAIL aliceandthemumsmag@ hotmail.com INSTAGRAM @aliceandthemumsmag
Another issue has arrived, and this is the second from last before my little magazine mini break. I'm calling it a break, but really what it is is a step towards something even bigger and even better... Watch this space! I have to let you know that this issue comes with a massive trigger and sensitivity warning, as it largely covers the topic of loss and infertility. I wanted this issue to raise awareness of the cause, but also for the women who have been there to seek comfort in. To the contributors of this issue, boy-oh-boy you are bloody brave, powerful and indescribably strong.
Love you all xxxx
Alice
King
Editor-In-Chief
ALICE & THE MUMS | 4
How I Stopped Breastfeeding WRITTEN BY HELEN MARSHALL Starting breastfeeding is a pretty daunting experience; if it’s your first baby that you’ve fed in
unhelpful things when all you really want is support. But, what about when you want to stop? I was
that way you don’t know if you’re doing it right, you
clueless, I just knew that I wanted it to be gentle, but
doubt yourself and then you wonder when you’ll start
I didn’t really know where to start, so, much like the
getting some time to yourself. Even if you love it,
rest of motherhood, I decided to wing it!
there’s always the sense of doubt hanging over, whether internal, or whether people suggest
ALICE & THE MUMS | 6
How did I do it?
As lockdown hit the UK, she was wanted to feed
better than I expected. Then with cuddles and a LOT
more and more in the day, but after a couple of
of encouragement, she’d drop off sans boob. Over
months, I had to start saying no, as I was fed up with
the course of around two months, I slowly reduced
my top being pulled down whenever I sat down!
the boob time. She wasn’t always happy, but with
Within 2 days of saying “no” and distraction
reassuring words and more cuddles, she usually
techniques, she was day-weaned. The night-time
settled down. The next job was weaning through the
feeds were what I wasn’t looking forward to, as I
night and, to be honest, I just went for it. The first
knew she wouldn’t give them up without a fight.
two nights, I just started saying “no”
So, about 2 months before she turned two, I started to make changes. First, I decided to still feed her at night, but not fully to sleep. She had a good understanding of what I was saying to her by this point, so we’d feed for around 20 minutes (timed by our good friend Ollie the Owl), then I’d just say “no more boobies now”. She took to it far
"AS LOCKDOWN HIT THE UK, SHE WAS WANTED TO FEED MORE AND MORE IN THE DAY..."
ALICE & THE MUMS | 7
when she woke up wanting boob, she wasn’t happy, but offering cuddles instead worked again; within the week, she was almost completely weaned. We kept the morning feed to reconnect after the night, for a couple more weeks, but she stopped that, and that was the end of our feeding journey. I know it sounds very simple, but I think because of her age, it was a slightly easier process than if she’d been younger. Maybe it’s simply that I’m lucky, as I know other mums don’t have such an easier time with older children, but I think that if it’s time for you stop – your choice, if you want to naturally wean do that, don’t let anyone dictate it but you and your child – the best way is with comfort, reassuring words, and lots and lots of cuddles!
Did it feel strange? Yes, I went through a lot of emotions – though mainly internally, because that’s who I am. I felt weird; useless; like I’d failed; happy; free and, most importantly, I felt proud. No matter when you stop,
"I felt weird; useless; like I’d failed; happy; free and, most importantly, I felt proud. " be that after a day or 3 years, always be proud of yourself! I think my strongest feeling was of relief, I felt like a weight had been lifted, there was no longer a pressure associated with my choice to feed and no longer a pressure on myself of HOW exactly I was going to do it. I know I’m very privileged to be able to feed my child with my body and be able to wean her in such a way, but, mamas, you can do this, it’s not forever, you might miss it, you might not, but it’s YOUR JOURNEY, so you do you.
ALICE & THE MUMS | 8
@stylingbyaliceking
Styling for the
Whole Family
MILLENIALS AND MENTAL HEALTH BY KERRY JOHNSON COUNSELLOR
To be classed as a millennial, you would have been born between 1981 and 1996. Followed by Gen Z and now generation Alpha. When we look through history, different generations of people from the Lost generation to the Baby boomers often share some collective struggles due to the state of the economy, common values, world wars, technology changes and much more. While all our circumstances are unique to us, there’s a lot of common issues that arise for Millennials. One being student debt. We were all promised, get a degree and your employment opportunities will be better. Yet many of us find ourselves in non-graduate jobs with salaries lower than we anticipated. Other issues we face are unemployment, caring for ageing parents, and of course housing costs. Many millennials would do anything to win their place on the property ladder like their parents did, but are unable to save for a deposit and left with no choice other to rent, making it difficult then to save. Another issue is the large advancement in technological developments over such a short period! Those of us born in the 80’s and early 90’s were born into a world where mobile phones and laptops were more of a mystery than they were an
ALICE & THE MUMS | 10
essential item, and through the years we have watched technology advance at a rapid rate, and we have learnt to navigate our way through this, while our younger Gen Z and generation Alpha friends and family know little different to this technological world! We saw the birth of social media, whilst still remembering a time before its existence! Many of us see ourselves as brands in a world of endless consumerism, and some may feel that an inability to keep up with technology may disadvantage them while being negatively impacted by the technology itself. We are subject to constant comparisons, trying to keep up a certain image, keeping up with what’s going on, when previously we really would have no idea what people were doing, and I’m not sure that we cared either? Simple CBT interventions can be powerful for helping us manage the technological difficulties. For example, learning to turn off your phone at a certain time can reduce anxiety. It’s your way of telling people, you’re not available at every moment of the day, and this is ok! This can be difficult for millennials as the real world and social media world can become blurred accompanied by the demands of the ‘digitalised workplace’
and needing to be continuously available. Discovering and displaying these boundaries might do wonders for your anxiety and stress levels. We are now more aware of worldwide problems than ever before. We have great news platforms, Youtube, Ted Talks. And while it teaches us ways to better ourselves, it also informs us of everything there is to worry about – hence, more anxiety. We need to be aware of this information overload and learn to take a break when we have the information that we need. I recently discovered the concept of being ‘paralysed by choice.’ We have more options than ever before, and this can produce a lack of direction or structure. We fear making the ‘wrong’ choice and therefore fear regret. Do we travel? Where should we travel? But if I travel I won’t be able to save for a house deposit, but if I don’t travel then I will regret this! What do I do? This is accompanied by a fixation on outcome and goals, there is a pressure for millennials to do things in the right way at the right time. For example, ‘how we should be pregnant’ and the ‘right time to buy a house.’ And of course, the right time to start a family, when does the transformation from ‘You are too young to have a child’, turn into ‘You need to start trying, you’re not getting any younger.’ But it’s not bad to have too much choice is it? I think it can be, because when we are uncertain in our choices, it fuels our anxiety in an already uncertain
world. It might be helpful to sit down and look at what’s important to you, don’t feel obliged to travel if you don’t have a natural desire, and don’t feel obliged to buy a house if you don’t want to. There are good and bad things about any decision, but it’s important to assess how these decisions will impact on your mental wellbeing and happiness, and to not fixate on the opinions and the fears people may project onto us.
ALICE & THE MUMS | 11
MAKING YOUR ENVIRONMENT = YOUR ROUTE TO SUCCESS By Ben Simpkins London Fitness Mamas
This post is going to be looking a
how well you hide the packet of
little at mindset and a little at
Oreo’s behind the Chia Seeds, they
habits, which will hopefully help
will get eaten.
you get going towards your goals in the coming months. There is a known law in nutrition
ALICE & THE MUMS | 12
Your brain knows they are there, even if you haven’t seen it for a couple of days. Your brain logs
coaching for anyone who has
where there is a really tasty burst
qualified with Precision Nutrition,
of energy hidden away and when
and that rule is if a food is near you
you feel a little tired your brain
and available, you will eventually
goes “ HEY YOU! There are Oreo’s
end up eating it. Doesn’t matter
!!”.
Insert your own sweet treat into this
1) Food prep. Make the “right” actions
Take some time to go through your
scenario. But have you ever had a real
easy.
cupboards and clear out what is
quick desire to finish off the chocolate
either not going to support your goals
that has been sat in the fridge for the
I don’t mean cooking chicken, broccoli
or that is out of date! There will be
last few days. The brain keeps track of
and rice, bodybuilder style. But if I
tonnes of stuff hidden away in
where energy is and will keep pushing
were to ask you what your nutrition
cupboards that are taking up space. It
you towards it when you are lacking
“should” look like. You will most likely
is stressful trying to prep food in a
energy.
be able to reel off a menu to support
packed kitchen.
Now if that food isn’t in the house,
your goals. You don't need to follow
Give yourself room to enjoy cooking
or you have REALLY hidden it behind
those meals exactly but can you cut up
and give yourself space to fill up your
everything in the cupboard, it makes it
some extra carrots and peppers when
kitchen with nutritious foods.
a little harder for you to get to and the
making dinner. Store them so they are
brain has a trade off. Is it really worth
ready to snack on.
the hassle of having to take everything
4) Recruit support
When getting fruit ready for your
out the cupboard just for a couple of
little one can you spend an extra 2
We flourish when we have a squad all
biscuits? Chances are it is probably
minutes cutting up more so they are
driving towards the same goal. We can
not. The brain will focus on what is an
ready for you to eat later on. Get as
support, motivate and help keep you
easy fix, a quick rush, to give you a
many snacks ready as possible and go
focused on the end goal. Creating your
boost.
to those first, before a more
team, whether it be your other half,
processed option.
family members, friends or people at
The goal here is to make it as easy as possible to get hold of nutritious foods. And extremely hard to get hold
your fitness classes. They can all help 2) Shop smart
of processed ones. Obviously there is
keep you pushing forward when times get tough.
nothing wrong with having treats and
If you can, buy a smaller size product
everyone knows at the end of the day,
of what is the main culprit. If it is
sometimes, you just need a little
chocolate can you just buy a small bar
something to reward yourself for
rather than a family sized bar. If it is
then our new intake for the Strong
making it through the day after
biscuits you can buy a single rather
Mama Project goes live from 14th
getting asked “WHY???!?!” for the
than a double pack. Smaller portions
June. We help mums over a 12 week
26734 time.
lead to consuming less.
period change their health and fitness
The focus needs to be on making it
Reduce or eliminate foods that do
Find your squad, and lift each other up. If you want help finding a squad
to get lasting results. All this while
harder to get hold of processed foods,
not support your goals. Even if you
working with an amazing group of 4
not eliminating them 100%. That just
only make a slightly better choice that
other like minded women.
isn’t possible and who doesn’t like
is still a step in the right direction.
getting an ice cream with their little
Take one step at a time, making the
over to our Instagram account for our
one on a hot day?!
changes you feel comfortable with.
post on the new intake. Also the
If you want to find out more head
application form is available in our Steps For Setting Up Your
3) Kitchen clean up
bio @londonfitessmamas.
Environment For Success
ALICE & THE MUMS | 13
Living With Severe Morning Sickness (in second pregnancy) BY LAUREN XENA CAMPBELL WWW.AGENTLEWOMANANDASCHOL AR.COM
When I had my first child, I thought my sickness had been bad. I was being ill every day without fail and threatened with hospitalisation several times when I couldn't eat for days straight. Thankfully I always managed to avoid this due to still being able to retain fluids. However, by the midpoint in my pregnancy, I was on anti-sickness meds and has days where I could barely lift my head off the pillow, let alone get any work done. My one fear for having a second child was that I would have to face the same sickness again - only this time, with a toddler in tow. During one of my postpartum visits, my midwife
ALICE & THE MUMS | 14
tried talking to me about my health and wondered if I would have another baby. I was honest and voiced my fears, as my sickness with my son (having started at just four weeks pregnant had lasted up until delivery) had taken it's toll and I just couldn't imagine suffering through that again whilst trying to be a caring, involved parent. My midwife, however, was very reassuring and brushed aside my fears. She told me that just because I had had bad sickness this time around didn't mean I would again and that it shouldn't stop me from getting pregnant again. And besides, if it did come about again, there were treatments, and as I had been ill before, it
would be more quickly resolved the second time around. And so, over the course of almost a year, I thought about it and eventually, my husband and I decided to try again. With the positive pregnancy test, I was filled with both unbelievable joy and apprehension. I was so happy to be blessed with another child, yet at the same time concerned about the next 8 months. However, for the first few weeks, other than some slight nausea, I was fine. Then it hit. Around 7-8 weeks pregnant the vomiting started. It wasn't every day this time, but it was worse. More violent, multiple times a day and would leave
"AROUND 7-8 WEEKS PREGNANT THE VOMITING STARTED. IT WASN'T EVERY DAY THIS TIME, BUT IT WAS WORSE.".
weeping in pain, frustration and embarresment, leaving me feeling flat for days after. I felt sick and extremely tired all the time, and on bad day's when I couldn't eat, I also couldn't keep fluids down either. By week 12, it really started to hurt. My pelvis had dislodged during my previous pregnancy and thanks to Covid all appointments to get it sorted had been canceled. I was already struggling to walk and when the sickness was really bad it would also cause issues with bladder control, ue to the retching being so violent. With nothing staying in my stomach I was mainly throwing up bile and by the end of week twelve, I had given up. I felt like I couldn't go on. I was exhasuted, defeated and just a crying wrech. I called the midwives, and ended up being admitted to the hospital.
ALICE & THE MUMS | 15
Whilst I was in A&E waiting for the first of many blood draws, I passed out and had a seizure because I was so weak and dehydrated. I remember waking up to the concerned staff asking if I was epileptic, and suddenly I was being taken to a ward. I had at least four IV's over the course of the next several hours, and was being pumped full of antisickness med that had the aweful sideeffect of making my dizziness worse. Nurses came by every half hour to ensure I was drinking plenty of water and to bring me cups of sweet tea, and I ended up being monitored throughout the night. My blood pressure and sugar levels were so low that dehydration was ultimately ruled as the cause of the seizure I suffered. They kept giving me liquids throughout the next day and were reluctant to let me leave following my last IV, as relapse is common among suffers of what we know knew I had - hyperemesis gravidarum - but I was desperate to get back to my little boy and husband, and with strict instructions for my self-care, was eventually able to go home. I'm now over twenty weeks pregnant and whilst every day is a struggle, the medication helps. Taking medication three times a day is by no means something I'm happy about, but it allows me to stay hydrated and out of hospital, even if I still have bad days spent shivering on the bathroom floor. I cut my hair off since being in the hospital, as I got fed up of having to wash it in the middle of the night on
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said bad days. I put all my nice clothes away and only have old cleaning one to wear most of the time, as I am constrantly fearful of making a mess. I also pack spares in my sons nappy bag just in case. I now also keep bottles of Lucozade around the house for when nothing is staying down, relying on the electro lights to help me regain my strength more quickly after a bad bout. All the conventional tips such as crackers and ginger have never helped me and often the idea of eating is repugnant enough to make me just want to keep to my bed, though that' not an option. Takeaways have become more commen then I'd like to admit as cooking smells have becoming challenging and often my husband and I can't agree on what or when to eat as my stomach is so finiky at times. Shopping had also become a dreaded chore. All I can do is take my medication, try to eat a little and often, even after being sick (nothing worse than being sick on an empty stomach, trust me), learning to live with the embarrassment of throwing up and peeing on myself routinely and avoid what triggers I can. Minimizing car trips has helped, and I don't drive when taking my meds as they still make me dizzy. I've turned down all the air fresheners and no longer use scented shampoo, candles or perfumes. I brush my teeth with charcoal toothpaste, as the take of mint makes me nauseous. I hold my breath when cutting up me son's fruit, especially banana's and
my poor husband has even started offering to change certain nappies for me as the smell always makes me retch, which in turn leads to vomiting. I feel more fatigued than I did the last time, often finding myself falling asleep straight after dinner and struggling to get up on time in the mornings. I regularly get migraines and am constantly concerned by my currently awful diet, which seems to lean towards warm sandwiches, noodles, and other starchy foods and sugar-free fizzy drinks, as these are the only things I can stomach at times. I miss salad and fruit which I no longer by for myself as I know they will go to waste. Add to this the plethora of guilt I feel each and every day as I struggle with housework and work commitments, and because I don't have the energy to run around the park with my son as often as I'd like to. There are days when it just seems everything is out of control and I am ashamed at not being a stronger person. But I've also come to learn that it's okay. This state is only temperary. Hyperemesis gravidarum isn't the easiest thing to live with, and whilst I do have my bad days, I do consider myself lucky. I know it could be worse. I know that other women have had and will have more severe sickness than I do and others still will have few symptoms at all. Every pregnancy is after all different, and whilst I am not the best pregnant woman I know, I'm just so happy to be bringing my son a sister soon.
One Way Ticket to A&E By Karen Legge
You know your child best. And you know when they’re not right. You can bet your bottom dollar it will be on a weekend or a bank holiday. For me it was a refusal of a gingerbread man and the desire to head home rather than bomb around the skate-park. It’s plain miserable to see your little love out of sorts. Home we went to snuggle on the sofa. Home we went to take his temperature and watch it steadily increase. Home we went to try and cajole him to take calpol and overcome his fear of syringes (a
result of some particularly nasty medicine we’d had to hold him down to take – poor little man has not recovered). Then the million-dollar question: to phone 111 or not to phone 111. In your heart of hearts you know they’re OK. But what if… What about that small chance that they’re not. If there were a flow chart it would go something like this: Call 111 -> Wait for a call-back from an advisor -> Be directed straight to Accident & Emergency -> Do not pass GO, do not collect £200. Because much like you, the medical professional on the other end of the line is just not willing to take the chance when it comes to little people either. You’ll go through the obligatory assessment with the myriad of questions that ‘may not seem relevant.’ Yes, he is conscious. No, he is not fighting for every breath. No, he has not bled profusely in the last few hours. But yes, he’s been up all night with belly-ache and none of us have had a jot of sleep. Yes he has a temperature of 38.9. Yes, he’s got ongoing issues with constipation and yes, I’m now convinced he has a compacted bowel or some horrific, related condition that a Google search will only further compound. Profound relief described my feelings when I was informed that Harry should see an out-of-hours GP rather than a trip to our local emergency room. ALICE & THE MUMS | 17
"TO PHONE 111 OR NOT TO PHONE 111." ALICE & THE MUMS | 18
We bundled our teary, little poorly parcel into the car. However, there’s no ignoring the oneway-111-ticket to A&E already had been issued the moment we had called for advice. Would he sit to have his ears poked, his belly prodded, his heart-rate monitored? Not likely! The vital statistics she did garner as he writhed and wailed like a rabid beast on my lap made her opt to err on the side of caution. “I want you to take him in to A&E.” In my heart of hearts, I knew it was coming. So why hadn’t I prepared for it? If you’ve been blessed not to have visited the emergency room with your child, please let me share with you the lessons I have learnt in my four long visits in his short lifetime. I give you: Top Tips for Children’s A&E Change of clothes. Bodily fluids are abundant in such a location – be it your child’s or quite possibly someone else’s projectile. Make sure you’ve got a change of PJs, nappies or pants, a zippy hoody, something to keep you cozy and conversely a bikini as it will either veer from polar to equatorial in temperature (bikini optional obviously) Water. Adult A&E = coffee machine, cokes, all the liquid sustenance. Children’s A&E = a barren wasteland with not a vending machine in sight. Take plenty of water to keep you both hydrated. I’d recommend those tins of Starbucks Double Espresso too – in abundance Snacks. You’re going to miss one meal or another. Make sure you have goodies to keep your energy levels up. Fruit.
Cereal bars. And all the chocolate. All of it. Buggy. So Harry is a bit too big to opt for his buggy these days but believe me, to pop his buggy, put the seat back and let him like down there rather than sprawled across me and two plastic seats was a god send. Plus you then have a plastic donkey to ferry around the worldly belongings you have packed when you’re called after three hours Phone charger. I know no numbers off by heart. Whilst Harry drained my phone watching ‘Blaze and the Monster Machines’, I was frantically trying to locate a pen to scribble down Daddy’s number for when we needed picking up Pen. See above! Thanks to Covid, only one parent was allowed so believe me – husband was told to be on high alert for when the ‘pick me up as soon as humanly possible’ call came through. Change for a payphone is also advisable Grit. Let’s face it – you’ll be there for the long haul. Keep your patience! Triage will mean some littles will be seen before yours and it will be for good reason. It’s never nice. It’s often precautionary. But the feeling of getting home with the all-clear and the knowledge that you did the right thing is the best. It’s never a waste of anyone’s time. If ever unsure, pick up that phone and book yourself on the 111 A&E express is my advice.
ALICE & THE MUMS | 19
THE GAP BETWEEN PARENTING EXPECTATIONS AND PARENTING REALITY
AS FEATUED IN 'INDY100 CONVERSATIONS!' You can be fully prepared for the
frustrated you can feel with a small
practical side of parenting, with a huge
human, yet be so forgiving.
list as long as your arm of all the
I work with and speak to a lot of first
paraphernalia you will need and books
time parents. Often, when they are
telling you what to expect at each stage
struggling it is because they have set
but, nothing can fully prepare you for
their expectations of what parenting is
the emotional side of parenting. You
going to be like far too high. Sometimes
won't ever be prepared for how you can
this is because they feel pressure to be
love someone so much that you feel your
the best, sometimes it is because social
heart might explode. You won't ever be
media makes it look easy, but often, it is
prepared for just how proud and
because nobody really talks about how it
honoured you feel to be a parent and,
actually is.
you won't ever be prepared for how
ALICE & THE MUMS | 20
There is an unwritten rule that when
you are speaking to new mums-to- be,
ringing the doorbell. The washing will
you do not mention anything at all
need doing, you need to spend time
remotely negative. While I do agree that
doing your life admin or just simply try
telling a woman who is about to give
and wash your hair. And, you can
birth how horrific your own birth was is
guarantee, the one time you do decide
not ideal, I do think that our own
to nap, the baby will wake just as you've
parenting realities should be talked
drifted off!
about more and perhaps, even be a part of antenatal classes. Tiredness is talked about a lot but,
The biggest reality check I think for many though, is just how much your life changes. You know that it is going to
until you experience the absolute
change but until it happens you don't
exhaustion for yourself, both mentally
properly appreciate just how much it will
and physically, you can't fully understand
alter. The huge sense of responsibility
what it is like. The whole "sleep while the
that takes hold makes you realise that
baby sleeps" advice is completely
everything you now do has to fit around
unrealistic. In principle it works but,
this tiny little being, who has completely
seldom do we get the chance to put it
captured your heart and placed
into practice. We are either so paranoid
themselves firmly at the centre of your
about something happening to the baby
world. This responsibility can feel
(something else that is unexpected) that
overwhelming and can be very
we have to spend the time they are sleeping watching them or someone is
consuming. You start to feel like a circus clown, juggling lots of balls, trying to do
ALICE & THE MUMS | 21
everything and be everything to everyone
know that the way you are feeling is
but rarely being able to fulfil it all. While
completely fine. It doesn't mean that you
the responsibility can be overwhelming,
are a bad parent and it doesn't mean
parenting often leaves you feeling
that you don't love or appreciate your
underwhelmed. It can be monotonous,
child. You will have days where you are
extremely boring and lonely some days
totally 'winging it' but, you will also have
and you feel like your identity has gone
days where you are totally 'bossing it'
AWOL, leaving you craving your old life.
and it is vital that when others offer their
Being overwhelmed and
opinion, you remember that it just that,
underwhelmed can happen
an opinion. Accepting and embracing
simultaneously and leave you feeling like
your new reality and adjusting your
you are failing. You place unnecessary
expectations accordingly, will without a
pressure on yourself and enter a vicious
doubt make your life a whole heap
cycle of piling on the pressure to
easier.
succeed and then failing because you
Parenting is certainly much tougher
have piled on too much pressure. To
than most parents are prepared for,
combat all this, it is important to admit
however, would new parents listen if
defeat, ask for help when you need it
they were told the stark realities?
and remember that no parent finds it
Perhaps not, but isn't it worth a try
easy all the time. Also, it is important to
anyhow?
ALICE & THE MUMS | 22
My Journey with Infertility (And how I'm using it to help other women!)
By Bethany Dempsey
As a teenager it was ingrained in me too be careful, because pregnancy is just something destined to happen at any chance you take, every mistake you make, every slip up and forgotten contraceptive pill…there will be a baby at the end of it. Right? WRONG.That just wasn’t the case for me, it began fun you know, lets hop right too it -whip off the clothes and have fun, whenever, wherever!
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"I was young, I was healthy, I didn’t smoke or barely drink." Each month my period arrived and I was, well…. A little confused. Perhaps I was naïve to think that I could just GET PREGNANT, but I was young, I was healthy, I didn’t smoke or barely drink, it was just… WEIRD! Each month things got a little more regimented ,until eventually I was like an army sergeant “GO GO GO! We have 24 hours of opportune baby making sex before this month is ANOTHER failure” Turns out this isn’t entirely sexy and as you can imagine between my regimented demanding of sex and the sheer amount of money I was spending on different types of ovulation tests, lubes, and pregnancy tests...each evening I’d line up the test I’d taken in the morning and obsess over any possible line. I spent a whole holiday, not drinking because I didn’t have any tests on me and god forbid I drunk and my pregnancy didn’t work out, a pregnancy that wasn’t there nor likely to be. My relationship was doomed for failure. I spoke to a GP who told me that it was very unlikely that anything was a matter with me, I was young, healthy and nothing screamed out infertility but he referred me anyway for peace of mind. A few years on, four to be exact, and after a ton of tests and tablets I finally DID get pregnant with my new partner. It was scary, but it had happened… and I was going to have my very own
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baby, and become the mom I always
my period, perhaps it was just something
wanted to be; and that is EXACTLY what
to do with that. I was wrong, and it was
happened!
confirmed I’d lost the baby. Devastated, I
I thought my days of infertility and
believed it must just be one of those
suffering were long behind me, all it took
things. I began to obsess again, googling
was some tablets, a tube flush and to think
the chances of it happening again.
that I could never possibly have a baby. WALAAAH magic. Then it came to wanting baby number
We tried again, each time working out what the age gap would be, getting further and further away from what I’d hoped.
two and of course, I was worried but we
Each one ending in heartbreak and
tried. I couldn’t believe it when I got
miscarriage.
pregnant almost immediately, my
My last miscarriage at 9.5 weeks was
infertility was a thing of the past – I was
enough for me to give up. There’s some
almost ready to announce it to the world
real pain in knowing your baby is dying
when I got in the shower and… BLOOD.
inside of you and not knowing WHEN
What was happening? Was this implantation ? it was around the time of
they’ve gone or WHEN the bleeding will start, or WHY the hell your body is doing
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this. I spent hours with a doppler to my
t Boxing day 2018 I had the most amazing news
stomach praying to find a heartbeat, that the
after 4 miscarriages that I was expecting our
slow heartbeat the doctor had found was wrong
rainbow baby, who is indeed with us now, after
and that my baby would make it through. There
the help of baby aspirin and progesterone
was no miracle, I gave up. The pain was all too
pessaries.
much.I had my miracle boy and that’s all I was too have. Christmas Eve, I added a beautiful rainbow
I’m one of the lucky ones, which is why I’ve begun my own fundraiser to raise money for desperate to be parents, who need financial
decoration along with some angel wings to our
help towards IVF .I never want there to be
tree, who knows if subconsciously I knew, but
another me!
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LOSING JACK By Sarah Houlding
Having a baby in 1994 was just as exciting as it is now, just without ‘gender reveals’! My first pregnancy went without a hitch, until I went for an antenatal appointment at 30 weeks where they decided to scan me. They asked me to wait to speak to the consultant, which seemed a bit odd at the time. I’d gone on my own being confident that all was OK. It wasn’t. It was the day my life changed, the day that I changed. The scan had shown that my baby had a heart defect and I needed to go to Guy’s Hospital in London the following day for a detailed scan of the baby’s heart. This showed he had Aortic Stenosis; a
narrowing of the Aorta. They gave him a 75% chance of survival, and told me I would have to deliver him at Guy’s otherwise he would die. The next few weeks went past in a haze of mad optimism and desperate sadness until the day came for us to travel to London. On 19th October 1994 Jack came into the world and Clive and I became parents. Jack was a fighter; he had open heart surgery at a day old, and consequently had other operations until at five weeks old he just couldn’t take any more. We fought with him and if I could have died to save
"It was the day my life changed, the day that I changed." ALICE & THE MUMS | 27
"There came a point where I knew I had to start living again and so I went back to work, and we began fundraising in Jack’s memory."
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him I would have. On 22nd November 1994 we had to make the terrible decision to take him off life support, and he died in my arms. Even at the end I hoped he would breath on his own and miraculously survive but he was just too poorly. During the five weeks of Jack’s life we stayed at Ronald McDonald House which was just around the corner from the hospital. This was a ‘home from home’ where we could stay free of charge with our own room and a direct phone line to the hospital (no mobiles in those days!). It meant we could be with Jack every day of his short life. So, we returned home to an empty nursery and a life very different to the one I had dreamt of. His funeral, the tiny coffin, the endless sympathy cards, and the tears…. There came a point where I knew I had to start living again and so I went back to work, and we began fundraising in Jack’s memory. Clive and I both worked for the same company and they were very supportive; in the end we raised several
thousand pounds for a cardiac monitor for the paediatric intensive care unit that had looked after Jack. We also started trying for another baby, and after a miscarriage I finally stayed pregnant and our daughter was born in April 1996. This pregnancy, and the following one which gave us another son, were an anxious time but I had very good care from the hospital which included fetal heart scans. I have three children, but only two with me. They grew up knowing that Jack was their brother and it has made them aware how important family is, and also that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. In 2012, the year Jack should have celebrated his 18th birthday, I decided to do some more fundraising. Together with my daughter we began to raise money for Ronald McDonald House to thank them for the care they gave Clive and me. We planned to take part in a 11 day trek through the Rift Valley in Tanzania, and by the time we went in 2013 we had raised over £11,500. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience, and although challenging, it was easy with Jack in our hearts to spur us on. Now, I mark Jack’s birthday and anniversary each year by posting on Facebook and talking about him as much as possible. I make sure he will never be forgotten. I remind people that having children is indeed a blessing, and however difficult it is at times, they should always treasure them. The worst feeling is that he will have come and gone from this world without people knowing about him, and that isn’t something I will accept. I’m a different person to the one I would have been if Jack had survived and his legacy will always be that he taught me to embrace life, have adventures, and most of all to treasure those you love. If your parents die, you are an orphan, but there is no word to describe being a parent of a child that has died. It’s not a club that I ever wanted to join, but 25 years down the road I have met many people who are members with me. More than I would have ever thought possible. Losing a child isn’t something you ‘get over’, no subsequent children replace the one you lost and the pain doesn’t go away. You find a way to live, to carry on, and although part of you dies with them, they also give you the gift of love, and you carry them in your heart as you go through life. I feel privileged to have had Jack, even for so short a time, and will forever be grateful for those precious five weeks.
MY MISSED MISCARRIAGE
REBECCA TALKS HONESTLY ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE WITH A MISSED MISCARRIAGE, THE TREATMENT AND SUPPORT GIVEN. BY REBECCA CAMERON-MCINTOSH I am the mum of two wonderful boys, aged 5 and 2. Yet, on a regular basis I have a little moment or two and a little cry wondering about my two ‘what if’ babies. It gives me all the mum guilt. If those two pregnancies had gone full term I wouldn’t have my boys, but yet I still think about what might have been. Before both of my boys were born I suffered from miscarriages. My first pregnancy ended in what is known as a ‘missed miscarriage’. This was something I had never heard of. For those, like me, who have no idea a missed miscarriage, sometimes called a delayed miscarriage, a silent
miscarriage or rather heartbreakingly a missed abortion, and is when the baby has died but has not been physically miscarried. Usually there are none of those typical signs of miscarriage – no bleeding, no cramps, nothing. I want to share my story so more people are aware that not all miscarriages are like you see in the soaps; a dramatic clutch of the stomach, a trickle of blood down a leg. Some are quietly devastating, taking you from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in the blink of an eye. It was a Tuesday and our 12 week scan was happening
"I WANT TO SHARE MY STORY SO MORE PEOPLE ARE AWARE THAT NOT ALL MISCARRIAGES ARE LIKE YOU SEE IN THE SOAPS." ALICE & THE MUMS | 30
around lunchtime. I vividly remember texting my husband from work that I was so excited to see our baby for the first time. And I really was. We’d already started having conversations about names and if we’d prefer a boy or a girl. We went into the scan room, the gel went on and we waited to see that familiar flicker on the screen. Instead the sonographer asked if I could go and empty my bladder and would I mind if they tried an internal scan. As I left to go to the loo, I looked at my husband and just said ‘this isn’t right, this isn’t what happens.’ When I was rescanned it transpired that the baby was measuring around 4 weeks, not 12. Consequently there was no visible heartbeat. They said that it was likely that the baby had died, but I’d need to go back a week later so they could measure it again and confirm the loss. I’d walked into that room expecting to meet
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my baby for the first time. Instead I was told there was no baby. We were crushed. I cannot fault the support we got from the hospital. We were whisked away into a side room and introduced to the Early Pregnancy Unit staff who explained what the next steps would be. We had three options: let nature take its course, medical management where drugs are given to force the miscarriage or surgical management which takes place under general anaesthetic. Not wanting an anaesthetic or trusting nature by this point we opted for medical management. We were then incredibly unfortunate in that it didn’t work and after a weekend in hospital ended up having the surgical procedure anyway. Whilst processing all this, there’s also a lot of practical issues too. I was expected back in to work that afternoon. They just knew I had a hospital appointment, I hadn’t said what it was so I had to phone and explain I wouldn’t be back in. We’d told our parents and now had to let them know that their first grandchild wouldn’t be arriving just yet. And my wonderful husband had to get a sobbing mess out of the hospital and back home while dealing with his own emotions too. I’ve always been more than happy to talk about both my miscarriages but it’s still really hard to just drop into conversation. There will be friends reading this that have no idea – not because I haven’t wanted to tell them, but because there’s never really been the right time. It is so important to speak about miscarriage. The number of people who said ‘that happened to me too’ was so surprising. No-one ever know quite how to talk about miscarriage, whatever type it may be, but it is so incredibly important we try to normalise them so those one in four of us that suffer them can get swept up in love and support and start to rebuild our lives.
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The Heartbreak of Loss Written By Carla Davison Founder of Basking Babies Lucky to be mother of 3
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Writing this is definitely something that I have had to psyche myself up for. Whilst I am 100% believer that sharing our stories of loss is essential to breaking the silence around the topic and helping others who are going through it or have experienced it, it doesn’t mean that it is an easy thing to do. Experiencing loss is a pain that I just cannot describe and whilst the passage of time can help, that pain is something that I know I will live with forever. My world changed back in 2017. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am exceptionally lucky, I already had two beautiful boys at this point. I then fell pregnant again and felt pretty awful for the first 12 weeks – tired and sick like I had never experienced before. I was also larger than I was with previous pregnancies. I remember clearly on the day of our 12 week scan I came out of the shower feeling light headed to the point I thought I would faint and said to my husband, ’something is wrong or this is twins’. It was a flippant comment, but turned out to be right. As I lay on the bed in the sonographers room she instantly said ’well, I
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can see two babies’. It definitely took me by surprise, and it was a lot to take in, but I also felt blessed. I had always wanted 4 children, so why not have the last two in one go!? Unfortunately though, it was complicated. We were immediately sent to see the midwife after the scan who said we had identical twins sharing a placenta (monochorionic). We needed to come back again in a couple of weeks to see the specialist consultant. In those couple of weeks that passed I am not sure that I slept at all. My mind was racing about every aspect of having twins, from how do we make the car work to how will we tell them apart? I frantically googled everything and ordered myself a couple of huge books on twins that I began to devour. The consultant appointment was different to any other pregnancy appointment I had been to before. The room was full of medical people wanting to look and learn as the consultant scanned me. Whilst it was incredible watching my two babies on the screen, there was a chilling sense that the consultant wasn’t happy with something. She explained that she was
looking out for signs of TTTS – Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome - which is a significant risk (15-20%) that identical twins sharing a placenta face. We were referred to London (UCLH) to start seeing the specialists there. Over the course of the next month it was back and forth to London to be monitored, each time they could see an imbalance of amniotic fluid between the two babies which can be an early indicator of TTTS, so we had to continually be monitored so that they could detect if anything changed. At around 18 weeks they told me that the fluid had balanced and things were looking great (they also confirmed that I was having girls). I didn’t have to go back for 2 weeks. I felt so relieved – best news ever! This feeling didn’t last long though. The next appointment wasn’t good news. Things had progressed for the worse and the twins were stage 2 TTTS. I was told to go home and come back the next day ready for laser ablation surgery. I was petrified. The statistics were not good (providing my girls with 70% chance of survival), but better than doing nothing (chances of survival would be nil). Leaving me no choice but to go for the surgery, with no reassurance whatsoever that everything would be ok. I was gowned up ready for the surgery, having taken the required medication, now laying on the bed whilst the consultant did a quick ultrasound to check where he should make the incision. The atmosphere of the room completely changed. The silence felt like forever until he said, ’I don’t believe it’, turned off the machines, put the implements down and told us that one of our babies had died. The pain was indescribable. I roared like an animal at the loss of my baby. (Tears are now streaming down my face as I write this.) How could this happen? Why didn’t they operate the day before? There were no answers. This situation was unusual. Apparently, there is normally plenty of time from stage 2 TTTS before the worst case scenario of stage 5 – death. We were then told that the chances were not good for my other baby. If she survived then there is a high chance she would be brain damaged, but that often once one baby has died the blood then rushes to the surviving baby it is only a matter of time before they die too. We had to wait 24 hours and then go back in again to have a scan to find out if our other baby would make it. I’m not sure I even considered that if the baby survived it would most likely be brain damaged. I spent those 24 hours praying that she survived. Not to be. The next scan was another harrowing beautiful boys
experience, showing a screen with my babies with no heartbeat. I roared like an animal again. I was broken. What should I have done? What did I not do? How have I let them down like this? The ordeal was not over. I now had to go home and explain to my boys that their sisters hadn’t made it. I gave birth to my sleeping baby girls on 15th July 2017. The emptiness, the helplessness, the pain. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. My boys gave me strength to carry on. Life will never be the same having lost my baby girls. I wanted more than anything to have these babies in my arms and watch them grow up with my boys. There is so much more I would like to share. For instance, my experience of pregnancy after loss, my ideas on things to help cope with loss, how to help support others through loss etc. But for now, I hope that by sharing my story it goes some way to breaking the silence and helping others to know they are not alone. Sending all those who have experienced or are experiencing loss all the love and courage in the world.
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