Alice & The Mums Issue 16

A L I C E & T H E M U M S Health Anxiety KAYLEIGH WITH

HER

SHARES MENTAL

HER

EXPERIENCES

HEALTH

Social Media & Mental Health HOW

IS

THE

INFLUENCING

ONLINE

OUR

CHILDREN?

Adoption CLAUDIA

TELLS TO

US

ABOUT

ADOPT-

THE

THE

ISSUE 16

PROCESS

UPS

AND

THE

SHE

WENT

DOWNS

MAY 2021

WORLD

THROUGH

C O N T E N T S 04 EDITOR'S NOTE 06 TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY? 10 PANDEMIC BABY AND ME 14 COVER STAR: CLAUDIA'S ADOPTION

STORY

TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY?

IT'S THE QUESTION WE ALL GET ASKED Nicola tells us why it isn't always easy to answer

POOP!

18 THE WORKING MUM LONELINESS 22 ON THE COVER: DEALING WITH HEALTH

MOTHERHOOD WELCOMES A FASCINATION WITH SOMETHING UNEXPECTED

25 JOURNEY WITH POOP

Nappies, potty training, pooing during labour- Karen talks through her top tips for number twos!

ANXIETY

TIPS ON LETTERING LIKE A PRO

28 TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT

DIVERSITY

30 ON THE COVER: MENTAL HEALTH &

SOCIAL MEDIA IN CHILDREN

DIVERSITY

AUNTIE K IS HERE WITH SOME ADVICE Teaching our children about diversity and educating ourselves is vital. Find outmore on page 28.

PANDEMIC BABY NEW BLOG ALERT

Find out more about Vik and her start to motherhood over on page 10.

CONTACT US INSTAGRAM @aliceandthemumsmag

EMAIL ALICEANDTHE MUMSMAG@ HOTMAIL.COM

EDITOR'S NOTE After a year of magazines, I promised myself that no topic would be off limits going into the second year. This issue is a perfect example of exactly what I wanted to achieve.

In this month's issue we cover the taboo. We cover honest topics and the ones we don't hear about often. This issue covers everything from the loneliness and guilt associated with being a working mum, to living with health anxiety, to adoption, and even an article talking all about POO! I also wanted to announce that from the release of July's issue I will be taking a short break in releasing magazines. I've planned the break to last about 3 months but may extend it longer if necessary. This is so I can start a new venture to work alongside the magazine, as I will be following a dream of mine and be completing a personal stylist course. I can't bloody wait!

I hope you enjoy reading this one just as much as I've enjoyed putting it together.

Alice King Editor-In-Chief

ALICE & THE MUMS | 4

TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY?

By Nicola Duffy

So, I am currently snuggled up on the sofa with my little man watching The Rescuers. In my opinion one of the best Disney movies!

However, I am not thinking about Disney movies. I am thinking if I ever want to add another addition to my amazing family.

When I was 16, I learned that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant due to a condition I have.

So, my hopes for a family vanished. I gave up hope and just focused on a career and living my life on the edge.

Mainly by me trying out extreme sports and going to places that I couldn’t go to.

I even joked about with my parents that I would adopt a child!

Then in 2015 I fell for my husband. I didn’t know how he would react when I told him that the chances of us having a family would be very small. To my surprise he accepted this and even went with me to speak to a specialist. After this appointment we both were deflated.

We accepted that if we were wanting to have a family we would have to go through IVF. We thought about this and adoption.

It was a tough time for us. But, we carried on living our life. We decided when the time was right, we would look into IVF more or adoption. We

ALICE & THE MUMS | 6

accepted that we might not have a mini person in our life.

We found a home for us to move into. On the day we moved in together Sean proposed (very Parks and Recreation) so we focused on getting some of the house done and planning the wedding.

Then the day before we went to a wedding fayre. We discovered that we were having a baby! I was in disbelief! Surely, I can’t be! I thought my chances were very slim.

Then a panic sunk in. How are my parents going to react? So, we decided to tell them on the same day. As they knew about my condition to my astonishment, they were excited and worried at the same time. I remember my dad shouting yes then having a whisky to celebrate!

My pregnancy was hard. I faced really bad morning sickness. My

anxiety was through the roof and I was worried every single day.

Due to my condition I had to get scans regularly. To check everything was ok. For my first scan I was so nervous- what if it showed that I wasn’t pregnant? What if the scan showed abnormalities? Was I ready for this?

So many thoughts were rushing through my head. Until I saw my little man. We didn’t want to find out the sex. So, we could have a surprise.

When I saw him, my heart flipped I think I even shed a few tears of joy.

I could actually have a baby!

Of course, photos were sent to the immediate family.

However, I still had to make a decision to have amniocentesis test where the results are accurate but the chances of a miscarriage is high due to the test being invasive. Or continue

ALICE & THE MUMS | 7

to have more growth scans.

I really didn’t want the chances to increase of me having a miscarriage so we decided to continue having growth scans. We had growth scans every 6 weeks.

I was still anxious and scared. The morning sickness didn’t help either!

Then to top it off I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes!

So, before every meal I had to test my blood. As a nurse I knew the procedure but I really didn’t realise how sore it was! We both changed our diet. We reduced our milk intake which was hard, really hard. I even managed to not put much weight on.

Luckily, I didn’t have any cravings but I was put off some food. One was steak. So, I stopped eating steak. I had to change my diet completely for this pregnancy. I was missing milkshakes. I was missing having a nice sweet treat.

When I get anxious, I eat. So, I had to think of other ways to reduce my anxiety. Instead, I focused on the nursery and the theme of it (there has to be a theme!)

I didn’t want to buy too much, as I didn’t want to jinx it. I was so worried that I couldn’t carry full term.

So close to 9 months my little man arrived in this world. I was so relieved that he arrived safely. However, I was still anxious. Anxious about his condition. I was hoping that my condition wouldn’t pass onto him.

During the stay at the hospital, he was seen by 4 doctors. Assessing him and ensuring everything was ok.

Most of the doctors were great and were happy with his condition.

However, there was one doctor who wanted me to stay another day. I was already in there for 2 nights with little sleep (thanks to snorers and an incredibly loud door lock!)

I said no. I was exhausted. I simply

ALICE & THE MUMS | 8

wanted to go home. Luckily, the last doctor who spoke to us said that we can go home and will phone us with the results. Think she actually felt sorry for me.

So, we finally went home. A few days later we got the call from the doctor who advised that James is fine and he has no issues and doesn’t have my condition. I was so relieved and so happy. Spending all of my pregnancy worried about him and changing my diet was worth it.

However, could I do this all over again? I don’t know. My pregnancy was tough and I was a little bit younger but I don’t know if my body can go through it again. The chances would be higher of my next child

I didn’t want to buy too much, as I didn’t want to jinx it. I was so worried that I couldn’t carry full term. having my condition. Also, I don’t know if I can even have another baby.

I love my son unconditionally but we can’t guarantee that we will be as lucky. We are so lucky to have a mischievous and clever son.

In the meantime, I am just lucky enough to have my little family that I have dreamed of for a long time.

That’s why I can’t answer the question many mum’s get asked “will you have another baby?” As I really don’t know. I will be quite happy with a dog!

PERSONALISED HOMEMADE DOG TREATS ETSY.COM/UK/SHOP/PHOE BESDOGTREATS INSTAGRAM:@PHOEBESDO GTREATS

PANDEMI C BABY AND ME

BY VIK PALMER Hello, my name is Victoria (but please do

into something productive and positive -

call me Vik), I’m 30 years old and I am

I started a blog!

mum to Olivia who is 11 months old and a pandemic baby!

Let me tell you, it is such a joy to be

Just over 3 months ago, ‘Pandemic Baby and Me’ was born and it gave me and my brain a new lease of life. With

able to sit here and write this article

over 1.5k followers on instagram and

knowing that I am connecting with

20,000 hits on the blog, it’s reached

women who are currently walking in my

heights I hadn’t thought possible...But

shoes as first time mothers during these

before I talk about the blog, let me tell

beyond belief times.

you a little bit about me and my journey

I am not a writer by trade (I actually work in Banking and have done for a

into motherhood.

It all started in early 2019 when I was

long time), but during my maternity

training for the London Marathon. I

leave I decided to put a passion of mine

started to get really bad pains in my

ALICE & THE MUMS | 10

pelvis area and my periods had become

difficult watching the people who loved

heavier and more painful (they were bad

her as much as we did, long to hold her

to begin with). On the day of the

and know that they can’t.

marathon, I was in agony and bled pretty

So here I was, a first time mum in the

much the whole way round. Two months

middle of lockdown, boyfriend (not

on, the pain continued and I had no

husband - I know) had gone back to

choice but to seek help...and thank god I

work, no support network and pretty

did.

much on my own. Thankfully, I was born

In the July, I was told I had stage 4

to be a mum - I absolutely loved every

endometriosis and would need surgery

minute of it. Those night feeds and

ASAP to remove it. I was wheeled into

cuddles, playing with her, weaning, etc. I

theatre a week later and post surgery,

really feel that I made the best out of a

the doctors informed me that my case

bad situation. I am not saying it was

was so severe - my ovaries were attached

easy. The days were long at times, she

to my womb and other organs had endo

wasn’t a great sleeper and I am needy by

wrapped round them. Following further

nature so not having human contact or

Investigation, I was also told my egg

interaction was very difficult for me. I

count was low and that if me and my

desperately missed my mum at a time

partner wanted children...now was the

when I needed her the most (she lives 2

time to start seriously thinking about it.

hours away so doorstep visits were not

Six weeks later, I was pregnant and

possible) and my closest friends weren’t

couldn’t believe my luck. However,

local to me. But I was with my beautiful

pregnancy did not suit me - not even a

and healthy baby who needed me…it was

little bit. I was sick as a dog every single

enough to get me through.

day until I had her, had severe SPD from

However, by the time lockdown 3.0

24 weeks (was completely immobile by

came along, I was tired. Every day was

the end) and had crippling braxton hicks

like ground hog day, the same routine of

for as long as I could remember. But

play, eat sleep, park, repeat took its toll

come the 18th May, after 4 long days of

on me and my mental health. I stayed

constant contractions but no dilation,

active and positive, but I needed more -

Olivia arrived via emergency c-section

Olivia needed her mummy to be given a

and she took my breath away. Partly

nudge to bring some life back to her.

because I was instantly out of my SPD

And then one day whilst she was

pain but she was just so perfect. Every

napping, I got out the laptop and I just

part of me loved every part of her.

started typing. My hands were unleashed

She was born in the middle of the

and it was like verbal vomit on a web

first lockdown, so not ideal. Guidance

page - the blog was born. I made a

around covid and babies was really

website, an insta account and off I went!

unclear at this point so we kept our

By the time she woke up, I had written

friends and families at a distance

my first post (ironically about sleep) and

(doorstop and garden visits) and didn’t

sent it to all my friends, family and my

let anyone hold her for so long. It was so

social media accounts. I felt like a new ALICE & THE MUMS | 11

woman and it gave me something to focus on, rather than being consumed with Liv’s sleeping habits and how much milk she had drank that day.

A fire has now been lit inside of me I am passionate about the topics I write about, I want to reach out to other women in the same situation as me, mothers who need someone to relate too, and most importantly, I needed to do something for me.

So that’s the start of my story (well in a nutshell). But you can find out more about us by visiting the blog (https://pandemicbabyandme.s quarespace.com/home) or my Instagram page (@pandemicbabyandme).

Please do get in touch, I would love to hear from you.

But for now, sending you all my love and stay safe.

Vik xxx ALICE & THE MUMS | 12

Claudia's Adoption Story ALICE & THE MUMS | 14

BY CLAUDIA-JANE GARDNER AS FIRST REPORTED BY LOVEWHATMATTERS.COM

A surprising package……becoming a mum for the first time was not quite how I’d imagined it. It wasn’t the tiny baby wrapped up in a pure white blanket, the perfectly decorated nursery, the special little trinkets and handmade gifts all about. In fact, it wasn’t even with the man who I thought would be the father to my children, he had long since left. Left me in house too big for one and with a broken heart. For me, becoming a mum for the first time came with pigtails, a crazy little donkey t-shirt and all the fun and laughter that only a three year old can bring.

The moment I turned around in the car to see a little face beaming at me is a moment that is etched on my heart forever.

Jessica was a baby when her mum passed and Nigel, the man I was starting to fall in love with a widower. Seeing her for the first time, was a huge reality check for me…..For now it wasn’t just about him and me….it was about her too. A little girl with a huge void in her life that

she hadn’t properly discovered yet. I have to admit, I did feel a great pressure not to mess things up, there were three sets of emotions at play. On the first day I met Jessica, I tried to be ‘in the moment’ and take it all in. We went for a trip to the seaside and all the fun of the fair (I absolutely hate rides but I didn’t let her know that!) She was such a happy little girl full of joy and unaware of the trauma she’d been through.

As the day unfolded, we found ourselves collecting feathers and shells on the beach. It was like pressing fast forward on my life. One moment alone, next moment a ready made family. As our 'first date' drew to a close I knew I would never leave them During the early part of our relationship, at times, I felt I was living somebody else’s life.

That feeling stayed with me for a few years after. I imagined what sort of mum Emma was and wondered if I was doing things the way she would? Would she approve? There were

ALICE & THE MUMS | 15

moments I felt jealous at how wonderful her little family was…..having come from a relationship that ended in such a shit show. Somehow we had been pushed together, we all needed and wanted what the other had to offer. It was this that glued us together. We were all looking to love and be loved in return, which is the greatest gift that any one of us could ever hope for.

The actual adoption process was exactly the same as any other adoption which really surprised me considering that Nigel was her biological father. Therefore, it involved all the kinds of checks that social services would usually carry out. There were a number of visits to the house and interviews both individually, as a couple and as a family. I have to say that I did feel quite vulnerable and at times, felt like I was being judged……was I good enough?

Did I meet their expectations? What other first time mum had to go through all this?

I would love to say that it was plain sailing from here, it should have been, being signed and sealed in one final court hearing.

However, the night before we received

ALICE & THE MUMS | 16

a call from our social worker to say the adoption had been contested by some family members. It was a complete shock as we thought that everybody was happy for us. We were devastated. On the day of the hearing, the judge decided he wanted to refer our case to the High Court in London. This was going to be messy.

So instead of going home to tell Jessica that I was going to be her Mummy we had to tell her she would have to wait. The whole process ended up taking 11 months with yet more meetings with family members supervised by social workers.

Inside I was angry, angry that I had stepped forward to take care of Jessica…. forever and that somehow it was wrong. It seemed as though everybody had a say in our lives.

Were they trying to destroy our relationship? Didn’t they want Nigel and Jessica to move on? It felt impossible to please everybody. I remember sitting through some of the meetings and my whole body physically shaking. It was like we had opened pandoras box, and out of it spewed anger, grief and resentment. I

"Over and over I kept thinking if this was my little girl, what would I want for her?"

tried desperately to see all sides but couldn’t help but feel it had gone too far, too many words spoken that should have lay dormant. It seemed no longer about what was best for Jessica but about what was best for them? Over and over I kept thinking if this was my little girl, what would I want for her? I felt sad for Nigel, after everything he had been through.

Surely, they both deserved a chance to be happy once more?

On the 18th July, 2016 I officially adopted Jessica and we were invited to

meet the Judge at The High Court for a celebration. It was one of the most emotional days ever! Seeing Jessica’s little face light up when the Judge presented her with the adoption certificate was priceless. It was worth every hurdle that we had to jump through. I knew to my core that this was the right and proper thing to do for her. I hoped that Emma would rest easy knowing that her little girl wouldn’t have to navigate this world alone. I loved Jessica and from that moment on, the ties that bound us together were unbreakable.

ALICE & THE MUMS | 17

THE WORKING MUM LONELINESS

BY ALICE KING

I love being a working mum.

I love the independence it gives me, the elements of Alice that returned as soon as I went back to work and the financial security of having a second income.

But with being a working mum also comes a lot of negatives, and the level of guilt and loneliness you can feel in your thoughts is difficult.

I have a lot to be grateful for. A wonderful family, lovely friends, A mortgage.

Plenty of clothes on my back and a belly full of food. I really can't complain, but what does get to me is that I feel constantly like I'm left without choice.

Being the passionate feminist I am, the lack of choice I have only highlights the struggles women still

ALICE & THE MUMS | 18

face in this country. I had to

but also looking after

go back to work.

yourself and your focusing

Financially, there was no

on your family bubble.

other option. Sadly I don't

I'm very fortunate to

know any other mums in

have a great set of friends

this situation, and that for

who get it and never

me is isolating. Those I

question it, however there

know who went back to

are people that don't

work could do it part time,

understand how tiring,

and did it because it was a

difficult, draining it is.

choice to.

Taking time out for you and

Given the choice, I would

yours is a priority and don't

love to work part time

let anyone convince you

instead of full time, but

otherwise! Trust me, being

finances unfortunately do

a teacher during a global

not permit that. I'd love to

pandemic while also

strike the balance I crave

juggling a small business as

between work and home,

well as a toddler is enough

and dedicate more time to

to deal with as it is...

"I REALLY WISH FOR A WORLD WHERE WOMEN CAN WORK FULL TIME WITHOUT SOCIETY TELLING THEM THAT THEY ARE DAMAGING THEIR CHILDREN"

my son.

What I really wish and hope

Part of the struggle is also

for is a world where women

watching the majority of

can work full time without

your salary disappear each

society telling them that

month to pay for childcare

they are damaging their

costs. Those with parents

children or missing out on

who are retired or work

too much. How many dads

part time and can provide

go on to form incredible

childcare for them- you are

relationships with their

so very lucky!

children despite working

Then there is the level of

long hours Monday-Friday?

busy that comes with

Exactly. Until 'traditional'

working life meets mum

roles are banished within

life. The juggle of keeping

our culture, we must

up to date with everyone

continue to fight harmful ALICE & THE MUMS | 19

misinformation and perceptions.

Rob and I don't take on traditional roles, but instead share the jobs equally between us. We both work full time and therefore child care, housework, bills, everything is split between the two of us fairly evenly. In fact, if I earned more, and enough to be in this position, Rob would likely have a part time job and spend the rest of the time as a stay-at-home dad while I went out to work, and I think we would both very much enjoy that set up!

I find that women mostly find their strength within each other, and when women don't have others to compare their experiences to, they can be left feeling lost, confused and quite frankly, very lonely. This is where tools like Instagram are so helpful and resourceful.

I wish I knew more mums of preschool children in this situation. It seems pretty common that once children are older and in school that women go back to work full time, but with a baby or toddler it is taboo.

My set up may not be my ideal situation, with steep childcare costs and no flexibility in working hours, but I also am fortunate enough to have lovely long holidays. I also have a little boy who is incredibly independent, sociable and kind because of the time he gets to spend around other children. My only breaks in my career have been for my mat leave, and that will eventually benefit me in the long run- even if it doesn't feel that way now and as wrong as that is.

There's not many who are in the same position as me, but I wouldn't change what I have for the world. All I can do is hope that everybody tries to understand the difficulties of each other's situations, rather than battle with 'but I've got it ALICE & THE MUMS | 20

worse' type attitudes.

Looking to meet new mums? Want to feel more empowered in your post pregnant body? I am looking for women Who are mums of 2 year olds and under to fill out a short survey.

C O N T A C @ A L I C E A N D M U M S M A G I N S T A G R A M M O R E D E T A

T T H E O N F O R I L .

ALICE & THE MUMS | 22

The Sweet Life of Kay

Dealing with Health Anxiety BY

KAYLEIGH

WILLIAMS

I very rarely speak to my family and friends about certain battles I have in my life, purely because Ive always felt embarrassed to be dealing with this sort of thing, but I feel like we should never be afraid of expressing who we really are deep down, and its good to share our experiences with others as we never know how much something can help someone else.

I remember falling ill in 2019 (September through to October) in what I can only describe as COVID symptoms. I had never felt that poorly in my life; I couldn't breathe, my head was constantly hurting, my ears were too and I had the most awful cough and chest pain ever, it was really scary. I genuinely felt like I was dying and it was honestly the most horrible experience in the world. I think because I felt so close to dying it meant I never wanted to feel like that again, and every time something went wrong with me, I felt instant

ALICE & THE MUMS | 23

anxiety from it, and it always brought me back to

what it feels like. I don't want to feel the way that I

feeling that way again.

do. I would love to not worry for a day, but I think it's so hard to not worry when you've done

I found a lump in my neck and to say my anxiety

excessive amount of it for a long time.

got worse from that point on was a major understatement. I remember just sobbing thinking

I've accepted that this is who I am, and whilst I do

I would never see Harry grow up, or that I would be

sometimes feel embarrassment from it, I should

the unfortunate one to die young - all of the

never be afraid to express my feelings. I'm

irrational thoughts that I genuinely couldn't

beginning to learn from them and use it to support

control. It was such a draining process to go

other people where I can because I feel like it's so

through, and it wasn't until I got the all clear that I

important and so handy to support others using

started to feel better.

our own experiences. One of the things I've found useful from Facebook support groups is that those

One thing I've found about health anxiety is that it

who have been through similar, understand you so

doesn't just go away. It never does. I started

much more. I was also quite surprised in those who

obsessing my body, and I still do, but I just felt like

went through the same but had never spoken of it

I was overreacting everything that might be wrong

to anyone before, it made me so sad that people

with me. I would start to obsess over headaches

feel this way.

and instantly think I was dying of a brain tumour, or any random cramp or pain in my body meant the

I think it's so important that we all understand that

dreaded "C" word. I felt so selfish for thinking that

regardless of how we feel, how crazy we may feel

far into things, but I just couldn't control how I felt.

on a daily basis, we are all so worthy of ourselves.

Life is never meant to be easy, and it would be so

I find It quite embarrassing really that my mind

boring if we didn't all feel emotions and go through

thinks to the extreme about things like this. I

things. It's okay to feel like the waves are too

barely speak to anyone about it because I've always

strong, as long as we know our balance that is all

felt like people would judge me for it, only because

that matters. Never be afraid to speak out about

I feel like its very hard for people to understand

how you feel- it's a good thing.

ALICE & THE MUMS | 24

Journey With Poop!

BY KAREN LEGGE

There’s no getting away from it, once you’ve birthed a baby, you have begun an intimate relationship with… poop.

Yep, no matter how you package it - code brown, poonami,

of orange told me we needed to cut back on the carrot

faecal matter – it becomes part of everything from your

puree. It was like a friendly, yet stinky, heads up.

Google searches to teatime discussion.

This all-consuming fascination with excretion is in my eyes a healthy obsession. Everyone told me that I’d understand my

Choppy Waters

little man’s cries; I’d learn to communicate with him. But

It’s not all been smooth sailing however. There have been

although I couldn’t always differentiate between a ‘hungry

times when the number-twos have trounced me.

cry’ and a ‘tired cry’, I was always enlightened by the

Every parent is surely familiar with the up-the-back

contents of a nappy.

explosion. You can bet your bottom dollar it has happened

His poops told me when he was teething. The distinct hue

when:

ALICE & THE MUMS | 25

1

You’re running late for a health visitor/baby class/essential-can’t-be-latefor appointment...

They are wearing a brand new, cute-as-a-button outfit you’ve not yet had chance to photograph/ Instagram the life out of...

3 ALICE & THE MUMS | 26

2

You are wearing white jeans (OK… possibly just me stupid enough the brave white jeggings with a baby but you get the gist!)

Then there’s of course been the extreme changing.

You can keep your bungy-jumping and wake boarding.

it becomes really, really scary.

With the help of prescribed medicine, we are now

There should be an extreme sports category for changing

through that dark, dark place. And Daddy is almost over

bums. From car boots to underground trains, I fear every

the trauma of sharing a bath with a pre-schooler and a

parent has had the misfortune of having an out-and-about,

poop

no changing facility poonami situation.

that could’ve frankly sunk ships. We are still not 100%

Who hasn’t had to navigate the Herculian feat of holding

successful with unleashing hell on the potty but it’s looking

a baby’s legs up, whilst simultaneously grabbing 24 wipes

far more promising for when he starts school in September.

(they never come out singly), holding open a nappy sack,

I don’t want others to suffer the slings and soils we have

trying to circular breathe through your mouth like an over-

had to, so I want to leave this glorious adventure into

enthusiastic didgeridoo player and balancing precariously

excrement with my top tips for keeping it on the regular and

on the playground bench in the winter?

keeping it in the potty…

Little darlings. Faces so sweet and innocent. Backsides that resemble the ‘Bog of Eternal Stench.’ They don’t like to make it easy for us parents.

Brave New World

Top Tips for Number Twos 1. As hard as it is, don’t put on the pressure! Try not to keep asking “do you need a poop?” It will help them

And no sooner than you have learned all the tricks of the

recognise their own body cues as well as not feel

stealth change, then comes that mucky milestone where

performance fright!

you wave goodbye to the nappies and enter a new realm of

2. Buy lots of pants. Lots of them. Have them on hand.

portable potties and asking incessantly “do you need to the

3. Pimp your potty. Give them stickers to make it their own.

toilet?”

4. Consider somewhere for it to go where it’s a little more

Potty training has been the steepest learning curve so far for me as a parent. Some kids just get it. A week and they’re off – pants down, piddle, poop, flush and wash.

private – who wants to plop in front of an audience?

5. All the fibre – sneak it in wherever you can. We are a fan of raspberries and all things wholemeal. Then do the

This. Is. Not. My. Child.

sneaky mum trick: bran in muffins, a spoon of milled

There have been reward charts. Bribes of epic

flaxseed in porridge.

proportions. Endless replaying of the “Poo Goes to Pooland”

6. All the water – flavoured water, ice lollies,

app. Tears (mine). Frustrations (both of us). Happy dances.

watermelon… wherever and however you can get liquid

Glimmers of success.

down.

And constipation.

7. Do a happy dance when there’s success.

I didn’t start him super early. He was three when we

8. Let them watch you poop. Leave aside any

began potty training. He showed enough of the signs of

squeamishness – make it an ordinary thing.

readiness to get cracking. But what I didn’t factor was the psychological side to pooping outside of the security of a nappy.

And remember, they will get it!

It feels different. Suddenly everything is exposed.

For us, it just didn’t click. He could do it. He did do it. But something mentally was stopping him from doing it where I wanted it.

And this led to him not doing it. For days. At which point

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TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT DIVERSITY It is never too early to teach your children about diversity as research shows that from around the age of two, children are aware of physical differences and that from around two and a half they may start to feel uncomfortable about these differences. From around age three, they may start to ask about their skin, hair or eye colour and may want to know if it will remain the same throughout life. At around age four, children may begin to express negative and discriminatory views about skin colour and appearance.

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So, how can you as parents ensure that your children grow up to be culturally sensitive and respectful and take a stand against bias, racism and insensitivity?

It's All About You It begins with you, the parents. Children are constantly watching and learning from their parents. You are their first role models. It is imperative therefore that you model being culturally sensitive and respectful and that you show that you are

against bias, racism and insensitivity. If you do have your own prejudices then you need to resolve these or prevent yourself from inflicting them on your children so that they are able to be open to new experiences and people.

Educate Yourself It is OK not to have all the answers or know everything but if you are unsure take the time to find out. Your children will look to you for answers. Don't ignore their questions or comments about differences,

explain you don't know and offer to find out the answers together.

Ignoring questions or comments will make your children see these differences as a negative thing.

Have Toys and Books That Reflect Diversity Young children learn through play and so having toys such as small world figures, dolls, puzzles and role play clothes and items that reflect diversity are important. Books are also a great learning tool so ensure you have a good selection that show

it is good to be different.

Eat Food From Other Countries It is very easy nowadays for your children to sample cuisine from other countries and it is a great, tasty way to introduce them to different cultures. Involve your children in the cooking process too to make it fun.

Have a Globe, Atlas or Map Physically being able to see a country can spark great

conversations about that area of the world and allows your children opportunities to ask questions and explore different cultures.

These are all very simple, easy ways to ensure that you equip your children with the right attitudes and behaviours that will hopefully change their future world into a more accepting and respectful place.

As with all my Top Tips, they are brief but to the point. I will happily give further advice and help so if you have any questions please do get in touch.

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MENTAL HEALTH IN CHILDREN PART 2: SOCIAL MEDIA

BY KERRY JOHNSON

While some parents grew up with a certain amount of exposure to the web, it is unlikely to compare to the digital world of today. When I was growing up you couldn’t use the phone and the internet at the same time. Many children now have their own phones, Ipads and even apple watches that give them 24 hour access to the internet.

Not only does this pose many dangers, but an increase in social media addiction that often goes unnoticed. Social media addiction combines excessive media consumption, with an increasing reliance on social media as a way to feel good.

Many of us may be addicted to our phones, but how many of us recognise this? Phone and social media addiction goes unrecognised for adults as well as children, but can have many negative effects, including emotional, behavioural difficulties, changes in mood, withdrawal and anxiety.

Setting boundaries with phones and internet use may seem impossible when

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even our televisions and Alexa’s are linked to the internet, but it’s important to try.

Leaving your phone in another room before going to bed can help with sleep, setting time limits to use social media and adhering to them gives us a chance to wind down and make sense of what we have seen, read or watched. If we as parents can demonstrate a healthy balance between the ‘real’ world and ‘internet’ world, this should reduce the ‘normalisation’ of social media reliance, as these worlds continue to become more blurred for us all!

What else can we do to help our children? My number one recommendation seems simple, but is often missing, which is very basic listening skills from parents.

Most issues arising from schools, friendships, Covid, and of course online are unfortunately largely out of our control.

However, my young clients tell me their parents will bombard them with unhelpful solutions, judgement and

sometimes disregard of their struggles.

There is a misconception that online issues such as cyberbullying are easier to deal with than bullying outside of the internet. If you can simply listen and empathise with your child and acknowledge that the issues they face are real, this can sometimes be enough. Having the space to offload to you as a responsible parent allows them to make sense of their issues, while also giving you an insight into their world. Often they are able to deal with things themselves but simply need the space to ‘vent’. If they know their problems are going to be met by a lack of empathy or a bombardment of ineffective solutions, then they are more likely to withhold their pain. This can build up and intensify some of their negative emotions. If the child knows they will be met by warmth and understanding they should feel safe enough to be more honest and open with you.

It might also be worth having conversations with your child about the comparisons they make with others online. It might be more difficult for children to recognise that people do not always portray the truth on social media, and that images are often filtered, edited, and represent a mere snapshot in someone’s life rather than their whole lifestyle.

A combination of boundaries, warmth and understanding could be key to helping our children manage their mental health but there is no one size fits all approach. As stated in my previous article, if your child is really struggling, the sooner you can seek more professional help the better before it manifests into a larger problem in adult life. Communication is key and remember you are parents, not mental health experts, and it’s ok to seek help when needed!

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