Religious
Trauma ART DIRECTOR & MODEL SRIRAM NATHAN PHOTOGRAPHED BY COLTIN HILL
I. Genesis The first lesson the Christian church taught me was obedience. Honor thy father and thy mother. Love thy neighbor. Thou shalt not steal. The Lord detests lying lips.
lay awake and weep not because of the monster that was hiding in my closet, or the fear of the dark, but because of the dread and terror I had about spending eternity in Hell. I would tally everything I did during the day that could be seen as bad or sinful and beg for forgiveness in my nightly prayers.
In the beginning you are taught to be good. I was raised Christian; I was baptized in the Nazarene church that my parents met through and were married in. My childhood was filled with memorizing Bible verses, sitting silently in rows of dusty pews, Sunday school, and prayer circles. I attended a Christian school until the fourth grade, and spent my summers at Vacation Bible School. Every waking moment of my childhood revolved around God. Among the virtues Christianity teaches, the main one is obedience. To listen, behave, be truthful, be kind, and be good. And I was. I was an obedient child. I was described as mild and reserved, and although I was quiet and polite like God wanted, it wasn’t out of sheer devotion, but out of fear. There were countless nights when I was little where I would 21 ALIGN
I would beg God to forgive me for everything. I thought everything I did was going to send me to Hell. When my family switched to a non-denominational church, the fear didn’t go away. This church praised enthusiasm, and the ones who showed the most eagerness for being at church were given the invisible badge of loving God the most. At this point, I had been led to believe that being a good Christian meant to keep my head down and silently follow instruction, but I wasn’t being rewarded for that anymore. Now, I was being judged by how devout I was. The workings of the world were explained to me as black and white, good or bad. All I knew was that I had to be on the good side, and this ideology was poison to me.
