What you child may be feeling?

Anger

Your children may become angry with you, the other parent, siblings, themselves, and may, in fact be angry at the whole world.

Their internal or verbal dialogue may sound like How can you ruin my life like this? , You’re only thinking about yourselves! , How come my parents are getting divorced? ,Why does this have to happen to me?

It is very important to reassure your child during this stage that, while it is okay to be angry, it is important to direct this anger in an appropriate way. Hitting a pillow is acceptable, while hitting a sibling is not. During this stage, children often try to assign blame for the end of the family that they know and may try to place the blame on the “missing” parent. While this may give you a twinge of satisfaction, it is extremely important that you not allow your children to do this. Constant reminders that both parents love them are necessary to overcome this part of the grief process. Let them know that you understand they are anger and continue letting them know you love them. Dialogue & Bargaining

As the children move into the dialogue and bargaining phase, they will try to get the family back together.

Their internal or verbal dialogue of your child may sound like ‘If I behave better, maybe Mom and Dad will get back together’, “If you come back home, Daddy, I swear I will be good.” “I will keep my room clean, Mommy, if you just come back home.” They will fantasize about reconciliation and will promise to be good if their parents will just reconsider. They may even devise ways to get the parents together such as being sick or getting into trouble at school.

This is their way of working through the guilt of feeling that they were the reason for the divorce or separation. Remind them they did not break up the family and it is not likely that they can get the family back together. This too is part of accepting the permanence of the divorce or separation. It is important to remember that children go through the grief cycle at different speeds.

Depression

As the children sense that their life is falling apart they may withdraw and feel sad and detached from their family and friends.

Internal or verbal dialogue of your child may sound like ‘I feel so sad and alone’, ‘I don’t want to talk to anyone about this’, ‘I just want to be by myself‘’. In some cases, children may act out feelings of sadness as aggression. Of all the emotions during the grief process, this is the one that is the most healing. It is important for your children to be able to grieve while letting go of their “old” lives and accepting that things will never be the same.

While there are no “timelines” as to how long this stage lasts, it is important to be aware that this stage can also lead into depression. As a parent you need to differentiate between sadness and depression. If as a parent you are concerned that your child is depressed, you may need to get help from a professional.

Acceptance:

Reaching the acceptance stage means that the child has adjusted to the reality and permanence of the divorce and separation.

Child’s internal or verbal dialogue of your child may sound like ‘I’m not happy about it, but I understand that Mom and Dad aren’t getting back together’, ‘Mom and Dad don’t live together anymore, but they both still love me’. It may also mean, especially for the older children, they are ready to take a chance on love.

The entire grief process is one of dealing with loss and requires that children overcome the sense of rejection, humiliation, unlovability, and powerlessness that they feel.

It takes time for your children to adjust to separation and divorce, just like it takes time for you to adjust. Before your children can accept it, you must accept it. They will take their lead from you. As your children are working through the divorce process encourage the children to maintain their normal schedule and activities. Never put the children’s lives on hold.

How can I as a parent help the situation?

As a parent, the biggest gift you can give your children is to acknowledge their hurt. And the only way to acknowledge it is through communication. Not talking about the issue and brushing it under the rug can only hurt your relationship with your child.

Your approach to the initial conversation will play a significant role in how they manage their feelings moving forward. Regardless of your children’s ages, they need to be able to understand the underlying message. Here are some general guidelines on how to approach the topic of divorce, listen, and be more self -aware before starting the conversation:

Do it at the right time.

Children need to hear a clear, strong message regarding your decision to divorce. An indecisive message could confuse your kids and make everything much more difficult. Don’t say anything to your children about divorce until you know with certainty that it is going to happen.

Give simple, factual explanations.

Whether your child is two years old or eighteen, keep your communication simple, factual, and straightforward. Your child does not need to know all the complex, intricate details about all of the stressful events that led up to this point. Less is more.

Tell your children together

Even if you are disagreeing about everything, try to agree on what to tell your children. Ideally, parents should break the news as a team. Telling your children together avoids confusion—they will hear only one version of the story, which demonstrates that it was a mutual decision.