Games parents play

The child as the “prize”

When parents are in conflict, one of them may try to “win” by getting a child on their “side.” The “prize” is getting their child to believe that they’re in the “right” and that the other parent is “wrong.”

One of them might tell the child too much about the causes of the divorce. Or one parent might say negative things about the other parent. Nobody wins if children are hurt. When children get older and understand more about what happened, they may feel they have been used.

The child as a ‘good time’

When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting. i.e. being a ‘Disneyland daddy’ or ‘Mummy Santa’.

The best thing you can give your children is your time and yourself. Over-compensating with presents and outings for the loss your children have suffered is usually the result of the parent feeling guilty, It an excuse to avoid your parental responsibilities and will not help your children.

How to set boundaries?

There are a number of techniques that parents can use to protect children from the toxic effects of intense conflict. Among these are reframing their relationship into a respectful, business-like partnership for parenting. In so doing, parents agree to set clear boundaries and ground rules for interaction that include respecting the child’s right to a healthy relationship with both parents, when it is safe to do so, establishing and abiding by an agenda for all meetings to discuss children and other matters pertaining to the divorce, not using the children as messengers or informants, and keeping children’s transitions between parents safe and respectful.

One of the most important things you can do for your children is protect them from conflict between you and the other parent. The research is clear that low conflict between parents is critical to children’s well-being after separation or divorce. Conflict creates a climate of tension that can be harmful to children. This is true even if there’s no physical or emotional abuse. If the conflict continues for a long time, it can cause stress, fear, and emotional and behavioral problems in children. For example, studies show that conflict between parents can affect • how children do in school • children’s physical and emotional health • children’s social interactions—with you, other family members, their friends, and even later in life with their own spouse