Yo' Mama Magazine - Winter 2007

Yo’ Mama A Magazine by Young Mothers for Young Mothers

The Best of Yo’Mama

$3.00

Volume 2, Issue 5, Winter 2007

Inside Yo’ Mama News & Views

Letter from the editor

Relationships

The Dating Mama’s Manifesto Fathers: The Importance Rude Attitudes The Baby Father Breakup

Health & Safety

On Tha Real: The Beauty of Stretch Marks You Are What You Eat Tales in Transit Melody’s Menu: Mango’s Leash Moms

Parenting

Baby Teeth Raising a Special Needs Child TTC and Strollers What You Need To Know About Breastfeeding The Importance Of Reading To Your Child

Education

Child Support News From The Hood: Women On The Move Getting Your Child Care Subsidy What Is FAS? When Mom Cries More Than Baby

3

4 5 6 7

8 8 9 10 10 10 11

12 13 13 14 15

16 16 16 17 18 19

Anxiety Abusive Relationships Creating a Safety Plan Your Body, Your Self Sleeping? Or Not...

Little Feelings Are A Big Deal Midwives Rhythm & Rhyme Time Sexually Healthy Children...

Children’s Aid 101 Ways To Praise Your Child

Resources

From There To Here The Morning After Pill Want Free Condoms?

Word Search: Contest

Words & Wisdom

Mama I Envy You To My Life

Yo’ Mama is produced and distributed with the support of:

20 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

32 33 33 33 33

34 34 35

News & Views Letter from the editor

Yo’ Mama’s People Editor-In-Chief: Amanda Cain Layout Design and Art: Andrea Vriesen

Hello readers! Welcome to 2007!

I’m so happy to write this intro… there are so many changes here at Yo’ Mama to tell you about.

Recently I was named editor-in-chief of the magazine, and if you’re a frequent reader, you may recall reading about me in the summer 2006 edition. If not, here’s some quick insight about me.

I’m a former teen mom whose son is now 9-years-old. I’m a community activist and lover of the urban arts.

I’ve worked in book publishing, music and television broadcasting and have a degree in corporate communications. I love bike riding, playing soccer and dancing (you may just see me cutting up the floor at your local jam).

Cover Photography: Amanda Cain Contributing Writers: Melody Boreland Amanda Cain Hermina Campbell Candice Curtis Jacqueline Graham Victoria Grant Trina Ivany Ju-lee Kerr Lindsay Kretschmer Tonika Morgan Deb Scorsone Danielle Scott Martha Sharpe Michelle Vogn Andrea Vriesen Vanessa Young Contact Information:

Since it’s inception, I have been an avid fan of Yo’ Mama and hope to take the magazine to the next level, such as expanding our distribution throughout Ontario. I’m also excited to tell you that Yo’ Mama is now a totally youth lead / young mum run publication.

Literature for Life 7 Labatt Ave., Suite 208 Toronto, Ont. M5A 1Z1

Big up ladies!

Tel: 416.203.9830 Fax: 416.203.2597 Email: staff@literatureforlife.org Web: www.literatureforlife.org

Here at Yo’ Mama, we thought it appropriate to create a Best of Edition to highlight our achievements over the past four years and bring all of our hottest articles to our expanded distribution list.

In Spring 2007 we will be featuring Money, the Summer feature will be Going Back to School (for you and your children) and in the Fall, we will feature Family Planning. This summer will be our fifth year of publishing Yo’ Mama, and that edition will be brimming with upgrades!

We are always on the lookout for events to cover and issues to address, please contact us with any of your ideas you’d like to see or read about. Be sure to also keep your eyes open for contests within the Yo’ Mama pages.

I hope you enjoy this edition. If you’d like to send in your comments or would like to participate with us, please feel free to contact me at acain@literatureforlife.org or 416.203.9830.

Peace, Amanda Cain Editor-In-Chief - Yo’ Mama, what chu’ sayin? “One time for my independent women and all the single mothers that be getting that cake” ~ Ludacris

Charitable # 89431 8617RR0001 ©2007 Literature for Life Publications The use of any part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisher is an infringement of copyright law.

The opinions expressed in Yo’ Mama are those of the respective authors, and do not necessarily represent those of Yo’ Mama or Literature for Life.

Yo’ Mama and Literature for Life will not be liable for any losses or damages sustained by any persons, however they may result, due to reliance on the information, ideas, activities or products mentioned herein.

Yo’ Mama strives to provide practical, safe and accurate information at all times, but we encourage all readers to seek professional advice where appropriate.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

3

Relationships

The Dating Mama’s Manifesto Written by: Deb Scorsone (first published Fall 2003) Single is a great way to be. The best way to get to know yourself is to spend time with yourself. The fact is, lots of young mothers are single and are getting by just fine. On the other hand, there may come a time when the single life is leaving something to be desired. Indeed, many women find that from time to time they need a little...shall we say...action. Hold on a minute HornyPants; let’s be smart about this. As many of us single mothers know, we’re fighting a battle for two. Any decisions made by the parent will somehow impact the child.

Whether Mommy is too depressed from a fight to pay attention during story time or is so in love that she and Mr. Right want to take Jr. to the park five times a day, your child is affected by your decisions.

The same way you show your child the importance of nutrition by feeding healthy food, you should also demonstrate how couples are supposed to treat each other when you expose her to your dating life. So is dating over forever the moment morning sickness kicks in? Heck no! Moms are people, too. Young mums are just “older”, wiser, and have a greater respect for bodily functions than most people their age. Think you’re too young and full of spunk to get married? Good for you. Why not date a while before you jump off that deep end?

You’re young, intelligent, beautiful and desirable; love it while you have it. The key is trying to date while leaving your little tyke with as few emotional scars as possible. Here at Yo’ Mama we have a few suggestions you may want to consider before going back out into the wild and frightening world of dating:

Are You Ready To Date?

Maybe you’re on the mend after an abusive or otherwise sour relationship. Maybe you were so young when you entered your last relationship that you don’t really know yourself. Maybe you have too much on your plate right now to bring someone new into your life – i.e. work, school, new place, or...oh yeah, A CHILD! There’s nothing wrong with cruising solo for a while. It will probably make dating more fun later if you aren’t going into it with extra baggage.

4

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

Be Picky.

Tall, dark and depressed was fun while it lasted, but it’s soooo last season.

You Already Have Enough Stress.

A good relationship is the union of two equals. If you are the only one putting any effort into this relationship, you are not equals. If this relationship is more work than fun; leave. That’s the point of dating, you aren’t stuck. You don’t owe this guy your energy. Most importantly, your child needs a mom who’s happy, not exhausted or angry.

Avoid the introduction like that bowl at the back of the fridge.

Remember, Jr. doesn’t have to meet this guy until he has to meet this guy. If you don’t see long term and his name coming together in the same sentence, why should your kid ever see his face? If your kid’s father or grandparents have overnight visits, why not work your dating into your visitation schedule? Try hiring a babysitter.

Although we know the guy you pick will just love the fact that you’re a mother, isn’t it nice to be…alone?

You’re The Boss!

Once you have decided that this person is good enough to meet your child you must still maintain a level of control. It’s important that your child and your partner get along. Your child shouldn’t be permitted to boss around your partner. And, he might offer you advice, but you’re still the woman of the house. You are a good mother and make all final decisions when it comes to your child. A good guy will respect that.

Your Child Must Think You’re a Virgin.

This means no overnights or outrageous displays of affection. I’d like you to picture for a moment your own sweet mother gettin’ it on in wild and kinky ways in front of you. Once your eyes stop bleeding, you may understand the need for this rule.

STD’s Are Bad For Your Health.

Can you say Chlamydia? Gonorrhoea?

Syphilis? Herpes? AIDS? These are just a few reasons to get tested at least once a year, and use condoms ALL THE TIME. Even pretty boys can have yucky pee pees.

Condoms, especially when used along with another type of birth control, have the added advantage of preventing your child from having to deal with any competition for your affection - such as a sibling.

Keep Watching.

No matter how much you like this guy, keep an eye on his interaction with your child. Some guys pretend to like kids to get in mom’s pants, or worse, some guys pretend to like mom to get in kid’s pants.

I’m not saying your guy is like that, but we live in the real world. Watch for outbursts of anger, put-downs or your partner wanting to spend too much time alone with your child.

If they’re old enough, ask frequently what he or she thinks of your new partner and believe the answer. If this guy does turn out to be a weirdo, there is no reason your child has to learn first hand.

Don’t Forget About Your Friends.

Remember those people who helped you through that last break up? The ones that make you laugh no matter what mood you are in? Friends are adults who like you even when you’re not wearing that red negligee.

They’ll probably miss you if you’re gone too long.

Don’t Forget About One On One Time.

It’s fun to spend time with your boyfriend, or all together, but sometimes you need to curl up with a good book and your number one babe. This will help your child not feel resentful of your relationship. Your child needs to know she is still the most important person in your life.

Relationships Every child has a father by birthright, however, the man defines the term father in how active he is in his child’s life. Involvement may vary by one visit a month, to seeing his child or children every day while participating in their development and taking the time to play. Some fathers are proud to have stuck by their family and physically live with them.

However his overall attitude towards his family may be negative and produce the same or worse effect on his child’s development than if he were not there at all.

According to the Canadian Institute of Child Health, “Every child needs access to caring, involved and responsible fathering to enhance health development, well-being and resiliency.” In addition, “children who grow up without an involved father face a number of increased risk factors including, but not limited to: increased poverty, increased likelihood of dropping out of school, increased likelihood of becoming young parents themselves or lower self esteem.”

Fathers: The Importance Written by: Andrea Vriesen (first published Fall 2003)

“I don’t need a man and my baby don’t need him.”

Sound familiar?

In truth, if your child’s father is a positive influence and actively involved, he is needed for the longterm well being of his child.

It’s easy to become a father all it takes is some sperm. But to be a real father takes attentiveness, love, involvement, caring and consideration. Anyone can be a father, but it takes more to be a dad.

Various studies have shown that the quality of a child’s parental relationship is predictive of the child’s future marital success. So, the way that the father treats the mother and vice versa is what the child will likely look for in a relationship when they pursue one. Monkey see, monkey do: with children as blank slates, parents are role models to see life’s possibilities through. If all a child sees is the negative and not the positive aspects of life, they will grow up with that view and might take it as their own.

Keep in mind that children don’t know why you act the way you do or why your life has been the way it has so far - all they know is what they see with their eyes and hear with their ears. It is your responsibility to fill in the blank spaces with knowledge and positive influence to the best of your capabilities.

If that means choosing to avoid negative influences for the sake of your child then you might need to make that choice. The impact a father’s presence has on his children is highly underestimated.

Being an active father through his child’s eyes would simply be to spend time and play with his child. It might seem that it has become socially acceptable to be an uninvolved father but a question to ask yourself would be, if you want to influence your child’s life or leave it up to peers, media and many other figures that may come into their life. If ever there was a time to feel important and become involved, it was the moment you became a parent and had the power to influence an entire life.

Free resources for fathers in Toronto.

Lawrence Heights Community Health Centre

Program Name: Father’s Talk Program Description: Fathers of all ages share their experience with others Dates/Times: Tuesdays 6-8 p.m.

12 Flemington Rd. Tel: 416-787-1661

Early Development Centre

Program Name: Family Time Program Description: Drop in centre for fathers and their children 0-6 years Dates/Times: Saturday 9:30-12:00 p.m.

32 Heath Street (Yonge/St.Clair) Tel: 416-920-3515

Jessie’s Centre for Teenagers Program Name: Father’s Group Program Description: Teen Fathers Dates/Times: Tuesdays 4:30-6:30 205 Parliament Street Tel: 416-365-1888 www.jessiescentre.org

Macaulay Child Development Centre Program Name: Teen Parent Program Program Description: Drop in program Dates/Times: Varying 2010 Eglinton Ave. W., Suite 400 Tel: 416-789-7441 www.macaulaycentre.org

Scott Mission

Program Name: Food and Clothing Program Description: Fathers with small children who need food and clothing Dates/Times: Drop in hours 502 Spadina Ave. Tel: 416-923-3916 (call for appointment)

Father Resources International

Program Name: T.O. Father’s Resources Program Description: A group for fathers who have questions about family law Dates/Times: every Wednesday 7-9 p.m.

310 Danforth Ave. entrance on Jackman Tel: 416-861-6626 (call for information) www.fathers-resources.com

Family Service Assoc. of Toronto

Program Name: Father To Father Program Description: Fathers of all ages share their experience with others.

Dates/Times: ongoing 700 Lawrence Avenue West, Suite 420A Tel: 416-595-9618 www.fsatoronto.com

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

5

Relationships

RUDE ATTITUDES Written by: Trina Ivany (first published Fall 2005)

defensive mode, which in most cases is a natural response. But if you react that way, you have to ask yourself “Was this worth losing my cool? Could I have handled this situation better?” If we don’t respond with kindness, what else is there? If you’re a mother or a father, do you want to see your child answer things with rudeness, or learn how to make mean comments themselves?

The way you handle the comment that was said to you. Ask yourself before you react, “Is this how I want my child to learn how to handle this situation?” Do you want them to think that being rude right back is the way? Do you want them to think that violence or verbal arguing is the answer?

When someone makes a negative comment, it is more often then not something they don’t like about themselves, or something they have been taught. What the person on the receiving end of a comment must remember is to be the bigger person.

Even if you’re not a parent, it is best not to play into the game of comments made by other people. Do you really want to stoop down to that level? I know that sometimes it is hard to listen to people talking trash, and in many cases people take them seriously, or even worse personally. You can’t take the things other say personally, or to heart. The trick is to have confidence in yourself and think highly of yourself no matter what others say. To throw off most people a simple “Thank you for noticing me” works. It usually makes the person who said the comment confused for a moment or two, and it gives you time to walk away calmly, with your cool intact.

Many people endure rude comments throughout their lives, perhaps even more so if they are of a different culture. Some people get extremely angry when someone makes a rude remark.

I know what some of you are thinking - I don’t want to say thank you if someone says something about my weight, age, or child! I know the usual response when someone is making comments, especially if they involve your child, is to react fast and think later. Most people react in the

Shopping centres and riding the transit are big places where you see many people go off on one another, with yelling and talking back. I have even seen some of these arguments turn to fights. We have been living in a culturally diverse world for quite some time now, and it’s hard to believe

A rude comment from someone who knows nothing about you or your life, is something that everyone has had to go through in their life, at one time or another. What makes the difference?

that some people are still rude to others because of cultural differences. I guess that many people forget that, after all, we are all still human beings. I have seen many teenagers get in to huge physical fights over stereotypical comments toward one another.

With all the fighting that has gone on in the history books, and in the teachings through school, it’s hard to believe that people still believe that one culture or person is superior to another, or that one culture has something to fear. Or that fist fights are the best way to solve things.

In actuality, we are all humans trying to get the best out of life. I have asked some people how they handle rude comments from others, and I have gotten many different responses. Some say it’s best to ignore the comment and keep going - don’t let others take you down to their level.

Another way is to smile and say something nice back to them. You are making them stop and think, and replying with kindness.

I mean, everyone has things in life to get past, their own hardships to overcome.

No one should be making fun of or saying rude things to others, but if it does happen to you, do all that you can to get past it.

Think about the things that matter, not the ignorant things that were said by someone who doesn’t know you, or your life.

Did you know Jessie’s Centre for Teens is 25 years old?

The Jessie’s Alumni Committee wants to throw a big reunion party just for us grads.

How can we invite 25 years worth of graduates if we don’t know where you are?

Contact us and make sure we have your up-to-date information.

In person: 25 Parliament Avenue at Queen Street, Toronto On the web: www.jessiescentre.org/grads By telephone: 416.365.1888 By email: jessiesalumni@sympatico.ca

6

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

Relationships

THE BABY FATHER

BREAK-UP Written by: Victoria Grant (first published Summer 2005) The initial intensity of the love is gone. Whatever kept you two together is no longer a determining factor in your relationship. It is over, and now you feel nothing but hatred and resentment. You were together with him and probably cared a great deal for, if not loved him. You carried and had his child. Speaking from personal experience, I know that it is really hard to look past the break up.

Yet the fact remains you share a child with this man, and you two will be tied for the rest of your child’s life.

Negative emotions can be extremely hard to deal with. Sometimes you may feel abandoned, betrayed, confused, distraught, hurt, or resentful, just to mention a few, and sometimes you may be feeling all these things at once.

I know, because I have been there. I have felt those emotions. In my case, we spent so much time hating each other and working against each other that we didn’t think of our son. We didn’t take the time, nor put half the energy into working together, as one parental unit.

My mother told me that a man can be an excellent parent, but may be a horrible partner. I thought about how much fighting we were doing.

How unhappy I was at the end of it. I thought about how ending this relationship would open up doors for me. It was clear that we could not keep going this way because it was not good for me, him or our child.

What worked for me was looking at my break up as a positive thing.

It is my belief that everything in life happens for a reason, and sometimes bad situations can turn out for the best. My break up allowed me to take the time to work on myself. I could be happier, and focus on me. I could now take some time for me, and learn and grow as a person. I could also be

a better person for my son to look to as a role model. All of these factors would make me a better mother.

I learned that we didn’t have to be together to be parents. I would just have to learn to work with my son’s father, rather than work against him.

Instead of spending so much time on the phone arguing with him, I would minimize the conversation. I would restrict our conversations to things related to our child. If it didn’t have anything to do with our son, it would be better not to discuss it. For me, this mentality helped minimize those bad emotions. You have to adopt a maturity about these things.

Life goes on, and sometimes you end up back together, and sometimes you do not. But what remains a hard concrete fact is that children need their parents to co-operate and work together. It does them no justice to see their parents arguing and disagreeing all the time.

Children are innocent and precious, and it is our responsibility to provide them with a safe, loving, and nurturing environment. Rather than viewing him as your enemy, look at him as your ally. Share this knowledge with him also. Help him to look at it the way that you do. It may seem like it is easier said than done, but it is well worth the effort. I’ve been through it, and we are doing a great deal better. Yes, we have times when we disagree, or our personal issues block our outlook on our parental roles.

Whenever that happens I take a step back and I re-evaluate the situation.

I look at my son and remember how he needs me to be in a peaceful state of mind. I remember how he needs both his father and I to be working together for him.

And most of all, I remember that the most important relationship in our trio is our relationship with our son.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

7

Health & Safety

On Tha Real The Beauty of Stretch Marks Written by: Lindsay Kretschmer (first published Fall 2005)

Walking down the shady street, I peep these two young girls struttin’ along; one blonde, one brunette. The blonde looks like a fairy with her wispy hair and petit figure. She flutters by in a gauzy skirt the colour of rice pudding, her sparkly violet shirt revealing her torso, which is smooth, flat, and firm.

Her partner, the brunette, wears her hair in long braids that drape down her small back and swish over her chocolate skin. She looks like a goddess in her stilettos and her yellow Capri’s, sporting a pale pink halter top that exposes her washboard tummy.

So flawless these girls seem, I think to myself as I pass them. I wonder what others would think if I were to sport a halter-top. I laugh to myself, for the idea is absurd. I no longer have what Blondie and the Brunette have – which is a firm and flat tummy. Rather, I have what I affectionately call my “play-dough tummy.”

I have a pouch of swishy squishy skin that is riddled with an array of shiny silver ribbed indents, scattered across my stomach area, leaving it looking like a confused road map. I used to hate it. “Used to” being the operative phrase.

Pre-pregnancy, I had an attractive body. I was thin, firm and radiant. During pregnancy, I was told wives tales about how to reduce stretch mark probability. I followed directions and slathered coco-butter and vitamin E concoctions and remedies all over my swollen belly, in the hopes that in a few short months I would be back to my normal shape and appearance. After all, everyone told me I would lose the weight quickly etc, etc. How wrong could they be!? By my eighth month I started seeing signs of the stretch marks, as they sneakily crept their way up from my lower belly and clawed their way across my torso, leaving my tummy looking like something was trying to get in, not out!

I was mortified after the birth of my first child when first I glanced down and grabbed a big fat roll of wrinkled jelly. Months after the birth, I waited patiently for my stomach to flatten out again, but like stubborn dough it was still raised. I tucked my little pouch away 8

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

in shame that I had lost forever the figure I had. I felt fat and blemished.

I was under 20 years old and I had more wrinkles on my stomach than most seniors have on their entire bodies! It took time, but I eventually learned to cope with and come to terms with the fact that I would never have a flawless tummy again. However this wasn’t to mean I could never be thin or fit again. It simply meant I would carry with me my birthing battle scars as a reminder that I was a warrior who endured great pains, and triumphed. I’d used my body’s temple to bring a beautiful child into this world –my child.

These marks that have been named stretch marks are not hideous, but rather they are beautiful. They are etched upon your body to remind you of the beautiful child you sprang into this world, and so they should be named Beauty Marks…

Ladies, too often we concern ourselves with appearance. For what?

Is it for you or is it for others? Ask yourself that question the next time you paint your face with make up or squeeze into painful shoes or pants, ‘cause at the end of the day it’s not about pleasing other people, its about making YOU happy. Pregnancy and childbirth is an incredible experience and yes, it does have side effects. Changes in your body occur and some leave lasting effects.

Stretch marks are a part of nature and, for most, they are inevitable. They vary in degree, shape, size, and depth. You may have few or you may have many and they aren’t always just in your torso area. Sometimes the legs, breasts or other areas are stretched, causing the marks. It depends on your skin’s elasticity and ability to readjust after it has been stretched excessively and extensively.

True stretch marks never do go away. They fade with time, and their visibility can be reduced by methods like tanning and creams, but the bottom line is they are there, and they are a part of you now. It is unfortunate that stretch marks have received such a bad rep.

It’s hard to love something that has been branded unsightly. It’s rare we see women reveal areas of their bodies where they have stretch marks because they are self conscious about the appearance of those thin narrow grooves carved in their skin. If society said that they were beautiful then it would be so, but because we have been taught to believe they are unattractive we feel that way. We are conditioned to believe that these marks are unpleasant, when truly, they are a testament to the beauty of childbearing and life.

On the real, these marks are what they are, and you can accept that you have them, or not. Is it a gift or a curse? Personally, I think neither, ‘cause I believe they are not my burden nor my wish. But I deal with it, and I have learned to accept that I am never gonna have a flat, flawless belly. It’s not in my cards.

If you insist that you want it all back, then be realistic and settle for half of what you had.

Go to the gym, tone up all that loose skin and try to find safe remedies to assist in speeding

Health & Safety YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT Written by: Julie Kerr (first published Fall 2004)

rich in omega 3 and 6, help ensure that you are getting the nutrition that you need to get throughout the day.

You’ve just scarfed down a super-sized Big Mac meal with a chocolate shake and extra fries, when you’re confronted by your stomach rumbling “Bad Idea”. You’re quite quick to agree now that you feel like a puddle of grease. (But it did taste good for the 4 minutes and 32 seconds that it lasted).

Are those brief moments of lustful ingestion worth all the pain that will follow you around for the rest of the day and possibly even the night?

So, what if you’re clear about the quality and quantity of foods yet you’re stumped when it comes to eating out of boredom, frustration, loneliness, depression or even happiness.

Eating that chocolate or cake in the name of emotion seems harmless enough when it occurs once in a while but when it becomes a consistent ritual, that is when you should take a step back and look at the situation. If you find yourself eating for a reason other than nutrition, try distracting yourself from eating by doing something else that is fun or interesting.

From the time we are able to eat solid food most parents are persuading us to finish everything on our plate, whether we are still hungry or not. Whatever happened to stopping when you’re filled up? Dissuading wastefulness is good and all but don’t you agree that eating more than you can digest is just as wasteful or even life threatening?

Come on; be a little more modest when it comes to your tummy.

I’m sure you’ve heard somebody say, “Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.” Food portions in North America are almost always over sized and a single meal can be equivalent to three. That more is better is drilled into our heads everyday in every way imaginable, especially when it comes to consumer advertising.

up the fading process. Be wary though, cause’ there are a ton of products out there that A) don’t work B) cost a fortune and C) may be harmful.

Talk with your doctor for suggestions and advice on a plan that’s best for you. Stretch marks are beauty marks, no matter how bad they seem. You sacrificed your body to give life to your child, and for that you should commend yourself, and believe that you are beautiful no matter what you dislike about yourself. No one is perfect through and through.

Even Blondie and Brunette have flaws.

Blondie’s got webbed feet, and Brunette has a giant mole on her back, but so what? You see poster girls and think they look so perfect, but hell, them girls are air brushed, and hungry too, by the looks of some. You do not have to work hard to be beautiful because you already are – just like your child, you were born beautiful. Never forget that

Portion sizes and the quality of the foods you eat go hand in hand; meaning, a variety of unprocessed fruits, vegetables, grains and protein are all valuable assets (in moderation) at each sitting. Here, try this: divide your plate into imaginary quarters, fill three of those with fruits, veggies and grains and the other quarter with a protein such as chicken, fish, beef, beans or tofu. This ratio ensures a balanced and wholesome meal. (As long as you are not heaping on a mountain of grub, that is.)

Quantity should always be considered when planning a meal, although quality is just as important. Processed foods can be very deceiving and extremely unhealthy for you whether you eat them in small portions or not. Many of the vitamins and minerals in these foods are stripped of their goodness during processing and the nutritional value of the product is drastically decreased. Cutting back on ‘packaged foods’ like cookies, chips or crackers and replacing them with fruits, vegetables; whole wheat grains, breads and pastas as well as lean meats and fish

Here are some tips on ways you can avoid eating out of emotion: Drink water - Dehydration can most definitely influence the way you feel. You need at least 8 glasses (250ml p/glass) a day to keep all bodily systems functioning at their peak. So if you’re feeling lethargic or even hungry – it could very well be that you just need good old H20.

Start a “food mood” dairy - This will help you determine exactly when you are eating, what you are eating and how you are feeling at the time. By doing this you can attempt to figure out more constructive ways to satisfy your emotions without turning to that rocky road ice cream.

Emotions change constantly - They all have a beginning, middle and an end. If you can hold off eating for at least 10 minutes, it is highly likely your ‘trigger emotion’ would have transformed into another feeling.

Enjoy treats that are NOT edible - Call a friend, write in your journal, read a book or have a long, hot bubble bath. All these can ease your stress and help you deal with the deeper issues that are tempting you to eat. (If all else fails, be strong and choose a healthy munchy like cheese on crackers or yogurt and fruit.)

With life stresses and challenges bombarding you daily, it is important to make sure you nourish your body in the best ways you can.

When you feel great, you look great and more importantly you make wiser decisions based on a respect for your body and mind.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

9

Health & Safety TALES IN TRANSIT Written by: Lindsay Kretschmer (first published Summer 2005) I am standing on the corner of Parliament and Dundas waiting for the 65 Parliament bus. It is rush hour and my daughter squirms impatiently beneath the plastic stroller cover that shelters her from the cold. This bus stop has no shelter and no bench. I stand shivering, waiting. Always waiting for that great big red and white to collect me and carry me off.

I see it, heading towards me, it’s blue lights a welcome comfort. It arrives and people climb off and I bravely scramble on with my stroller with no help from the driver or the passengers, who watch me with blank stares. I make it to the top step and the driver tells me there is no room for my stroller. I tell him too bad, it’s cold and I am not waiting for another bus. He slams the doors closed and gases it, causing me to waver unsteadily. I mush past people, who give me barely an inch.

A man taps my arm and offers me his seat. I think to myself, his mother must have raised him right, for he is so kind. I plop down next to an elderly woman who stares sideways at me. She wants to say something, I know it. I make the mistake of making eye contact. She mumbles something about babies having babies and I smile sarcastically, indicating that I am not amused. This is far less insulting than firing words, which I am very tempted to do.

The bus rattles and bumps along, it stops and people get off and on. So many faces of those I’ll never know, so many races, colours, smells and sounds. This day I smell wet damp mould combined with a poignant perfume that suffocates me. I glance around and see tired faces, happy faces, and solemn faces. I hear languages that aren’t familiar and cruel laughter from the kids at the back.

10

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

con...

Melody’s Menu

Written by: Melody Boreland (first published Spring 2006) This issue’s menu features nice juicy fresh fruit, specifically the mango.

Mangos are native to eastern India, Asia, Burma and the Andaman Islands, and are also grown today in other warm climates, like Mexico.

They grow on evergreen trees that grow to be 60 feet tall. Buddhist monks brought mangos to eastern Asia and Malaya in the 5th century B.C. Mangos vary in colour – from green to yellow to orange to purplish-red - depending on the type and how much sun they get. For this reason, colour is not a good way to tell if a mango is ripe or not. The best way to tell if a mango is ripe is to smell it and to squeeze it. When you smell the end where the stem was, there should be a nice scent of pine and peach.

A mango without much smell likely won’t have much flavour. When you squeeze it, the flesh should give way slightly. So, prepare for a tasty tropical treat and try these mango inspired recipes.

Mmmmmmango Drink

½ medium cantaloupe cubed ½ can crushed pineapple, drained 1 cup orange juice or juice of 4 medium oranges ½ can of pineapple chunks 1 ripe mango Chill fruit and blend all ingredients at high speed until smooth.

Serve immediately over ice.

Substitute cantaloupe for papaya or banana if you prefer.

Mmmmmmango Salsa

1 large ripe mango, peeled and chopped 2 tbsp lime juice ¼ cup chopped red onion 1 clove of garlic, minced 1 large tomato, seeded and diced 1 small jalapeno pepper, seeded and finely chopped ¼ cup minced fresh cilantro ¼ cup diced green pepper

A word of caution!

The juice from jalepeno peppers hurts like crazy if it comes in contact with your eyes, so be sure to wash your hands well after touching these peppers.

Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate for at least two hours. Serve with tortilla chips, chicken, grilled beef or seafood.

Parenting TALES IN TRANSIT ...con

LEASH MOMS Written by: Melody Boreland (first published Summer 2005) So, I’ve decided to get a leash for my daughter.

Am I a bad mother? It depends on the person you ask.

Three weeks ago I decided to take my daughter to the mall for a treat and a surprise at McDonald’s. So here we are, hand in hand strolling up and down the mall, window shopping and enjoying the evening.

You know how most kids are when they see something they want, and we said no... yes, the squeezin’ and bawlin’. Or if they know the name of the forbidden treat, it’s “Mommy can I have some chocolate? Pleassssee, mi want chocolate mommy! I want chocolate!”

Well, mine was “Can I have ‘I’m lovin it’, please mommy?” I said yes. She was all excited, and started telling the mall shoppers “Mommy taking me to ‘I’m lovin it!’(Which is McDonald’s, just in case you haven’t seen the TV commercials.)”

Anyway it’s Friday evening, and in this place lines are always long, and my daughter has zero patience. She kept saying “I want ‘I’m lovin’ it!’” constantly. I try the “Wait patiently, please.” Sometimes their inability to be patient just gets to you and you just say to hell with it, and walk out. Whatever the case, more or less, the routine is always the same; finally you order and the food arrives.

So we sit down and enjoy a Happy Meal.

After that, I asked her “Are you ready to go?”

She replies “Yes Mom.” Now, here comes the exciting part... I went to throw the leftovers in the garbage, and my daughter decides to run. I call her name, she slows down and turns. It looked like she was going to stop, but no she didn’t. She just looked at me, smiled, turned and ran. This time when I called her name she didn’t stop.

I start running after her, shouting her name.

No answer, and I cannot see her (if you are

beating down on two hundred pounds, and have some big you-know-what’s in front, you know it’s not easy to run after these little creatures!). My daughter was about 50 yards away from me.

When I finally reach her, she’s laughing.

I just take her hand calmly and walk out of the mall. At home, I do not know if it was joy, sadness relief, anger or frustration, or whatever that came over me that made me very calm. I said to her “What you did at the mall made Mommy very sad.” She said “Mommy don’t be sad, don’t cry.” I know I should be squeezing, yelling at her, but how could I, with all this said? Anything could have happened to her with all the creeps and perverts about, who are out there waiting for opportunity like this...and our little ones are vulnerable. I think I was lucky. I was just ecstatic that she was safe.

I do not take chances with my child, and I hope if your child is like mine and thinks that a mall is a big playground, that you’d take any precaution necessary. For me that is a leash. As a mom I will be in control of the distance between us and the constant tugging that will be coming from her will definitely make me feel a little safer when we are at the mall or anywhere that is crowded. A stroller could help, but I want to allow her to be a little independent, and I think a child who is bigger than a stroller should walk. One more thing...

I take her to the mall early in the morning on the weekend, when it is less crowded, and there’s less need for the leash.

So when you see us, don’t let your mind fill up with negative thoughts. Just ask yourself why a mother would want her child on a leash, and one of your thoughts may answer your question. It takes seconds for a stranger to snatch them, and a mom’s love to leash them. Love to all leash moms!

I hear a man on his cell phone telling someone he lost his job. I absentmindly glance at the PSA’s and narrow in on the one about homelessness which is positioned right next to the one offering great mortgage rates. I find this ironic, but I am not fazed by this propaganda any more than I am about the little devils hooting “hey mama” to me from the back of the bus. We stop at Carlton and a woman grabs the handle of my stroller for support. I throw her a look; she looks back at me oblivious.

I get irritated. I tell her to hold on to the pole, not my kid’s stroller and she shakes her head. She cannot speak English.

A woman weaving her way to the exit passes me, smiles and tells me how cute my baby is. I smile back and thank her for her compliment. In this moment my daughter decides to holler. I jiggle the stroller, hoping to cease her wails but she does not stop. I lift the plastic covering and roll it behind the handle, causing the woman holding it to fall back into another woman and so on – domino effect. Oh well, I warned her. I lift my screeching, flailing little person and place her on my lap where I speak to her soothingly and try to hush her.

The elderly woman shakes her head and sighs. I am becoming increasingly annoyed with this woman.

My daughter is not convinced by my attempts to tame her, as she indicates she is hungry by clawing at my bubble jacket to get in. I balance her on my knee while using my left leg to hold her stroller in place. I use my right hand to unzip my coat and I lift my shirt up and begin feeding her. The elderly woman is not impressed, nor is the driver who tosses me a dirty look through the rear view mirror. I think, too bad. I need to do what I need to do and I feel no shame. In spite of the weight of this negativity, I hold my head up high.

Finally, we arrive at the station, and it is a relief to exit this sardine can on wheels. Though it is not completely over, I have yet to catch the train...

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

11

Parenting BABY TEETH chew on, this will prevent any choking hazards.

•

• • •

Written by: Melody Boreland (first published Fall 2004) As parents we anticipate our child’s first teeth.

We get frustrated when they start late but we still enjoy those toothless grins. Generally, the earliest age your child will start teething is about 4-6mths, however, they may not appear until several months later. By the time your child is about two and a half they will have about 20 baby teeth.

Generally, you will be able to tell if your child is teething months before the first tooth appears, because they may be rubbing their gums, they may be irritable/cranky or just drooling excessively. Some children may even get a rash around the month caused by the continuous drooling (contact your doctor if your baby’s rash persists).

The best thing you can do for your child is to make sure he/she is comfortable.

Some things you can do to alleviate the pain are: •

Put a wet washcloth in the freezer for 30 minutes. (Be sure to use a clean washcloth every time)

•

Give your child something big to

12

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

Teething rings are designed especially for the teething process. They are large, plastic, ribbed rings that are usually filled with water for the purpose of soothing.

Before using teething gel or ANY overthe-counter mediation, first consult a doctor.

DO NOT give your child raw vegetables/fruits or cookies as a method of relieving the pain.

As the child gets older different comforts may be needed to control the pain.

Other symptoms of teething include: diarrhea, mild temperature, vomiting, loss of appetite, coughing, rash on the face and wakefulness.

Most parents will see that their child doesn’t experience the symptoms of teething all the time. Some children will have one or two teeth appearing unnoticed while other times they will appear with common or different symptoms. Baby Tylenol, Anbesol, and acetaminophen may help to relieve the pain.

It is important to FIRST contact your doctor before using any one of these pain relievers on your child.

Before and after the first teeth appear it’s important to care for them, because most of them will be in use for a long time. Even before the first one appears it is good to use a wet washcloth to wipe the gum and tongue at least twice a day. As the teeth start to appear you can continue to use the washcloth or use a soft bristle baby toothbrush. 1 Stage is a good brand for babies, however there are other brands that are available at most drug stores.

Brushing should take place in the morning and before bedtime, or after ever meal.

It is important to take care of your child’s/ children’s teeth because tooth decay can develop even when they are small. Tooth decay is caused by plaque. Plaque is caused by bacteria that form and build up from food left on the teeth without being brushed properly. Sugar and starchy foods tend to be the most common cause of tooth decay.

To prevent tooth decay: •

Always brush and floss to remove plaque.

•

Take your child to your dentist regularly. If you cannot afford a dentist. Contact your Toronto Public

Health Department.

• Never let your child go to bed with a bottle of juice in his/her mouth.

•

Use cups instead of bottles for juice, if possible.

•

Control the amount of sweets your child eats.

As our children start to grow they will probably ask for more sweet snacks. It’s important for parents to limit the amount of candy that their child consumes. Try giving your child something that is a healthy rather than sweet snack eg: cheese milk, yogurts, whole grain, and food that will help to form healthy teeth and bones.

As your child’s teeth begin to grow you may want to give him/her regular toothpaste.

Regular toothpaste contains fluoride. Fluoride (also) prevents cavities and gingivitis that promote healthy teeth. If children between the age of 3-5 use too much fluoride, they can end up with fluorisis or white spots on their teeth. It is best to avoid fluoride toothpaste until your child/children knows how to spit out toothpaste properly. Public Health recommends that children should only use a “pea-sized” amount of toothpaste, and be encouraged not to swallow the excess. Parents may not know that there is fluoride free toothpaste available. Fluoride-free is a new kind of toothpaste, most children will enjoy the flavor and it’s also safe to swallow. This toothpaste is available at most drug stores and is inexpensive. As a parent you will notice that your child may not like his/her teeth to be cleaned.

They are a few ways you can help: •

Try to introduce brushing as early as possible.

•

Make brushing fun; sing, dance or even tell funny jokes.

•

Have your child around when you are brushing. Children love to mimic their parents

•

Make it a routine. Your kids are going to have to brush their teeth for a long, long time.

And lastly, do not give up even if he/she is stubborn and resentful. As your child gets older you will see that your hard work at trying to keep his/her teeth healthy will pay off.

Parenting

Raising a Special Needs Child Written by: By Trina Ivany (first published Spring 2006) Having a baby and starting off your life with the child you have always dreamed of is one of the best things possible, as a lot of mothers will tell you. Raising a child is one of the most special jobs in a mother’s life. But when a mother finds out that her child has special needs, the job gets a lot harder. There are many questions, the first usually being “Why did this happen?” Then it is usually followed by guilt, the “this is my fault. What did I do wrong?” In these moments, the child’s problems are forgotten for a split moment.

But when you see your child smiling, you wonder, “How can I do my best to raise this child?” So, how do you go about doing that?

It can’t be the same way as any other child, can it?

Do you treat them like that fragile glass vase that sat on your grandmother’s table? You know, the one you could not touch because you would break it and it would be impossible to replace. Who are we kidding? We all know that at some point, we did touch that vase, and it did not break! Even though your child has special needs and may have to be raised with some different considerations in mind, can you really treat them as if they are going to break? Can we put them on a shelf and say “Don’t move, you might break!” Remember, no matter what is wrong, your child at some point is going to see other children doing things that they are going to want to try.

How can we tell them “No, sorry honey, you can’t play with the other kids. You are too different, you have too many problems” when what it really comes down to is our fear that something might happen to them. We know what it is like to be there through the endless doctor’s appointment, the tests, the operations and the medicine.

But what we can’t understand is the child’s feeling on these things: they don’t understand why they’ve got to do it and no one else does.

Then, when they have time to play and be like the other kids in the neighbourhood or at school, how can we teach them to try new things and be strong if our fears won’t let them be kids.

As a mother with a boy who has special needs, and who spent a better part of his kindergarten years in a hospital, I try to treat

him as I would if he’d never had a problem.

He has his fun, but I do explain to him as much as I can about what he needs to know, and the signs that he has to slow down. He does know that he is different, but he also has learned how to deal with the other kids. He needs the social skills that school, and just doing things a child does, will teach him. He does have to take time out to do his routine of medicine and breathing machine, but he also has the time to be involved in group activities, and to make the most out of his childhood.

I pray the doctors are wrong when they say my son won’t live more than four years. If by some chance they are wrong, as they have been before, and he makes it to be an adult, I know I did what was right for him by letting him be him and not letting him get away with things just because of his problems. And if by some chance they are right, I want to be able to say he had a happy life and did what he could, and we made the most out of it. I will admit I still have my moments. Like right now, I’m watching him play with his friends and all I can think about is him falling, and then another trip to the emergency room with a broken arm or something, darn he’s so fragile. But it changes when he runs inside, out of breath and smiling and says “Mom they say I’m good. See, I told you I would not get hurt” My moment of thinking my little boy -who is six years old, no more than 28lbs and still the size of your average three year old - should not be playing with those kids, is gone. He knows he is different and accepts the things he has to do to take care of himself.

I need to accept the fact that even though he is sick, he does still need to be a kid. I know this is my way of thinking, but if I do not let him be a kid, what are my other options?

I believe that most mothers want the best for their child, problems or not. And isn’t one of the best things for our children to let them be children. Guide them, help them, and let them learn, just as we would if our child was perfectly healthy. My boy does have chores time, homework time and playtime just like any other six year old. I don’t know what is going to happen one day to the next, but I want to take the time to learn with him and grow with him. He deserves that much, and so do I.

TTC and Strollers Written by: Danielle Scott (first published Summer 2002) A few days ago a bus driver told me that I couldn’t get on the bus with my stroller. I got mad. So I decided that I was going to call TTC and get this all sorted out, once and for all.

Here’s what their Media Spokesperson, Marilyn Bolton had to say.

•

Strollers are allowed on the TTC anytime, as long as they can be accommodated safely behind the white line.

•

Strollers are comparable to wheelchairs, canes and walkers, a necessary mobility device.

•

Strollers are always welcome on the TTC. If you have a problem with a driver, please take down the number of the bus (which is on the front and back of the bus) and call 416393-3030. Remember what the day and time is as well.

Tips for TTC Travel •

Sit up front on buses and streetcars during rush hour and at the rear the rest of the time

• • •

If possible, avoid rush hour Bring toys!

If you need help with your stroller don’t hesitate to ask.

It’s not often that somebody will be able to look at you and your baby and say no.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

13

Parenting

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

BREASTFEEDING

Written by: Martha Sharpe (first published Summer 2002)

Can I still breast feed if I go back to school or work?

If I breastfeed, do I have to give my baby water as well?

No. Since breast milk is 90% water, it is not necessary to give your baby water.

Yes you can. Pumping is quite simple and easy. I would also recommend you feed your baby before you leave and as soon as you return home. Store all pumped milk in the freezer or refrigerator.

I’ve heard that bottle feeding is the easiest way to feed your baby. Is this true?

Is it normal for my baby to spit up even though I am breastfeeding?

It is easiest to breastfeed your baby because you have a ready supply. Also, breast milk is always the right temperature – on tap. It can cost $250 or more each month to formula feed.

How do I know that my baby is getting enough milk?

Breastfeeding works as a supply and demand system. If you think that your child isn’t getting enough milk you should look at these signs: Insufficient weight gain, few bowel movements, little urine output and changes in your breasts.

14

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

It is quite normal usually it is just extra milk.

Is it safe to breastfeed if I am taking medicine, drinking alcohol or if I’m not feeling well?

It all depends on the medication and also the sickness. Your best bet is to talk to either your doctor, pharmacist or Mother Risk at Sick Kids Hospital. The number is 416-813-6780.

What is extended breastfeeding?

Pretty much it is breastfeeding past infancy.

If you happen to be curious about what age a child is at infancy, they are under the age of one.

What are growth spurts?

It’s when your child grows really quickly for a short period of time. During these times you might find your baby wanting to breastfeed more often. It is perfectly normal.

When are you supposed to wean your baby?

There is no exact time that you should wean your baby, it is more about when you want to wean him/her. In many cultural groups around the world the earliest age of complete weaning is between 18-36 months. The Canadian Pediatrics Association encourages breastfeeding for as long as the mother feels comfortable.

Parenting The Importance of Reading to Your Child Written by: Andrea Vriesen (first published Fall 2003) You are your child’s first teacher and learning starts with you. Children who fall behind at an early age (even in kindergarten and grade one) fall further and further behind over time.

According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, “Without remedial help, reading problems do not diminish over time, but persist through the school years and into adulthood.” Reading to your child from infancy 20 minutes a day is a powerful tool used to develop speech and language development, preparing them for the school years. Most importantly, it helps develop a positive relationship between you and your child. When reading with your child they will eventually recognize certain letters which will progress into the recognition of words.

Research shows that reading to children from infancy increases school readiness, gives a solid base for language and gives your child a broad knowledge base from the content of the book. Reading encourages speech through a fun activity and builds concentration, listening and communication skills. Being able to communicate with people through reading, writing and speaking opens the door to advancement. Each step involved in learning is necessary for further learning.

Even if a child does not produce immediate results, you can be sure that their eyes and ears are always open, continuously observing their surroundings. Children learn at their own pace so try to be patient, observe how they learn and work with them for best results.

Repetition is also another way children learn and the effect of what was taught may show up later after they have had time to internalize what they have heard so often. When a child is listening the information is being processed.

The act of listening is the first step.

Do not pressure your child - when they are ready they will pay attention to what is presented to them. By reading to your child from a young age you will prepare them for the school years; you will make the path for a good transition, adjusting them to new things and helping them take more away from the learning experience. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, 74% of the children who are diagnosed with reading problems in the 3rd grade continue with problems into the 9th grade.

The reading experience can be positive or negative, and that can contribute to the overall relationship between you and your child. The most important thing to remember is to listen to the actions of your child: what they seem interested in or bored with is very important.

Your child will associate reading time with whichever experience you make it into. If you choose a book for yourself and not your child and force them to listen to the story or make it “boring” using a monotonous tone throughout, your child will not be interested in reading time.

Try this: Make reading part of your schedule for 20 minutes every day before bedtime.

By doing things such as choosing a book according to what your child would find interesting, being interactive by physically moving with the story and changing your voice to suit the characters, or going with the flow of your child you’ll make it a fun and rewarding time before bed. The most important thing you can do for your child is give them the best start in life possible by helping them on the learning path. Empowering your child with knowledge enables them to create their own paths and builds concrete beginnings for future learning ventures.

Tips • •

Be a good role model: READ.

•

Turn off all the sounds so all attention is on the book.

•

Get into it and act out the characters or move with descriptions.

•

Involve your child with anything they can do to be part of the experience i.e.- turning pages, shaking the book, moving with you.

•

Pick the interesting stuff. If she isn’t interested in books yet sings songs, use nursery rhymes or find a book made of cloth or other interesting material.

•

Don’t focus on expensive books because children can find the simplest things interesting. When choosing books be careful to distinguish between your interests and those of your child. They may be different.

•

Expand the story. Don’t always stick to what the book says. When your child expresses an interest in a picture or something non-related, stop and explain.

•

Label items and parts of your living space that are used every day to show familiarity with words and objects.

When a child sees the same word on his shirt drawer that says “shirt”, they will eventually begin to recognize the word. (You can label items with a piece of paper, a marker and a piece of tape, and put labels on everything you can).

•

Make your own reading obvious when you are reading a book, newspaper, street or store sign, recipe instructions or any other print. Say it out loud and point to what you are reading.

Eventually your child will realize that words are very important in everyday life and feel motivated to want to read as well.

Find a consistent time and make it a part of your day that your child will look forward to it.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

15

Education

CHILD SUPPORT Written by: Candice Curtis (first published Spring 2005) So, your baby’s father isn’t being very helpful, and you need to get some help to make him take some responsibility. Where can you turn? Here is what you need to know about where to go to start getting child support. The first step is a court order, and to get a court order you will need a lawyer.

Legal aid:

Legal aid can provide those who can’t afford a lawyer with the chance to have legal representation with little or no cost. Legal Aid can also help with legal stuff other then child support, such as custody issues and restraining orders. Once you’ve gotten a court order for child support, it is the role of the Family Responsibility Office (FRO) to make sure that child support is being paid.

They receive every support order made by a court in Ontario and enforce the amounts owed under the order.

FRO can take the following actions against payers who don’t pay: • Collect funds from federal sources (such as income tax refunds and employment insurance benefits)

• Report payer to the credit bureau • Seize the payer’s bank account or

assets

• • • •

Suspend the payer’s passport

References: Child support guidelines 1-888-373-2222

Seize lottery winnings Suspend the payer’s driver’s licence Take the payer to court

Family Responsibility Office (24 hour automated info line) 416-326-1818 Toll Free: 1-800-267-7263 www.thefro.ca

Things to note: If you are on social assistance and want to get or are getting child support then speak with your case worker and they’ll speak with the family support worker who can help with the process of child support.

If the payer (father) is on social assistance, then the recipient (mother) doesn’t receive child support but the arrears will accumulate.

When and if the payer gets a job, they will still owe the amount which the recipient is owed.

To get a court order for child support, go to a court house in your area that deals with family law.

Child support table Canada.justice.gc.ca/childsupport Go to publications Go to simplified tables Downtown Legal Aid 375 University Ave. Suite 204 Toronto,Ont M5G 2G1 Telephone: 416-598-0200 Fax: 416-598-0558 Scarborough Legal Aid 1921 Eglinton Ave E. Unit 1A Toronto,Ont M1L 2L6 Telephone: 416-750-7172 Fax: 416-750-7184 North York Legal Aid 45 Sheppard Ave. E. Suite 106 Toronto,Ont M2N 5W9 Telephone: 416-730-1588 Fax: 416-730-1625 Etobicoke Legal Aid 5415 Dundas St. W. Suite 101 Etobicoke,Ont M9B 1B5 Telephone: 416-237-1216 Fax: 416-237-0301 www.legalaid.on.ca

Women Moving Forward

Women Moving Forward is a program in the Jane/Finch community for ambitious young mothers, ages 20-29, who are interested in going to college, university, trades school or starting their own business. With a supportive team of workers, women are given the opportunity to determine out what kinds of careers they are interested in and what training they need to enter their industry of choice.

Within the program, 20 women will participate in a number of workshops 4-5 days per week. Besides, the workshops, trips, and guest speakers, the Women Moving Forward will also pay for applicant’s applications to college/university, as well as a women’s studies course at York University (where you have the chance to get automatic entry into York), and computer training courses at Seneca College. In addition to that, you will meet a group of motivated and inspiring women who, like you, are ready to move forward.

What type of participants are we looking for? Women that want a better life for herself and her child(ren), a career with benefits, vacation pay, and a consistent salary. We are looking for women that know that they deserve more from life For information about joining this program, please contact: Tonika Morgan, Project Manager, at 416 663 2733 Ext. 250 or tonikam@janefinchcentre.org or www.womenmoveforward.com.

16

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

Education

Getting Your Child Care Subsidy Written by: Andrea Vriesen (first published Fall 2005) Help me please! Yes, yes, I know…you’ve been spending every waking hour with your child for the entirety of their life.

Well I hear ya.

Oh wonderful stress! The time has come for some daycare, so bring it on. So what is this subsidized childcare thing, you ask? A program that helps with the cost you pay for childcare/ daycare. Firstly, a daycare spot for your child in Toronto could range anywhere from $600-$900 per month. That’s rent! Now I don’t know about you, but I for one cannot afford to pay double rent. So if you are in need of financial assistance regarding your childcare needs, this is for you... Step 1 would be…Applying If you are receiving social assistance, you have to go through your caseworker. Just tell them that you need daycare and they will tell you what needs to be done and refer you to whomever necessary.

If you are a parent working a minimum of 25 hours per week, self employed full time, a full time student or a family with a special need, then this is your important number, Kids Line @ (416) 392-KIDS. This is the number to call for questions as well as to receive a complete package with all the info to be mailed to you. Call with questions, from what office to visit, to where to find out what daycares have vacancies. They have all sorts of information for you. Just ask to find out. For a jump start on childcare searching, check out a current list of vacancies in the Greater Toronto Area at http://www.toronto. ca/children/index.htm

How do you know if you are eligible? By all of your financial information… and I mean all of it. They get you to show them everything.

You’ve gotta dig up stuff that you forgot you even had. Any assets, including but not limited to property, RRSP’s, child’s RESP and money in the bank are all taken into account. If in total all of these things amount to more than $5, 000 you will not be eligible for subsidy. They also look at how much income you bring in from all sources, as well as your expenses. Oh, but remember it’s not over when you get the subsidy. You have to maintain it. Oh yeah, it’s never that easy.

When you talk to the subsidy office at your interview, they will tell you all the details that include how many vacation days you can take and about updating them with any changes to your income/situation/expenses, etc, as well as your yearly meetings.

But that aside, all in all it’s worth it. It actually makes childcare available and if the proper paperwork has to be coughed up to get it, then so be it. Access to childcare, and to subsidies, is needed for many parents to be able to do the things that are needed and wanted. So good luck, and happy hunting!

Questions to ask and things to look out for when touring a childcare centre: • • • •

What is provided, such as meals and/or snacks?

What is the programming like, what have they planned to do with the kids?

How clean is it?

How many teachers there are to children?

Guidelines for childcare centres in Ontario under the Day Nurseries Act: Infant: 0 - 18 months, there should be one teacher to three children.

Toddler: 18 months - 2.5 years, there should be one teacher to five children.

Preschool: 2.5 - 5 years, there should be one teacher to eight children.

Kindergarten age: 5 - 6 years, there should be one teacher to ten children.

School Age: 6 - 10 years, there should be one teacher to 15 children.

Keep in mind.

There is a waiting list, that runs on a first come first serve basis, so the sooner the better!

• Your child is either in school or going to be in school, so try and find a daycare in a school or affiliated with one.

• Close to home is best, it cuts down on the traveling time.

• Go see the daycares! As many as possible so you can compare and find one right for your and your child.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

17

Education Drinking During Pregnanacy

What is FAS? Written by: Lindsay Kretschmer (first published Summer 2003) It is finally summer! After a long, cold winter it’s about time we came out of our hibernation and enjoy the warm weather. Summer is a time for going to the beach, chillin’ with your friends and, for many, drinking. For you expectant mothers I’m sure you’ve all heard the myths about drinking; including, you can drink occasionally, you can drink Guinness because it has some nutritional value, and, alcohol can only harm your baby if you drink during the first trimester. WRONG! A can of beer, a glass of wine, a shot of liquor or a cooler all contain about ½ ounces of absolute alcohol. If you consume two or more drinks within one hour, your baby could have blood alcohol content higher than you. An alcohol molecule is very tiny and it passes easily from the mother to the baby, where it can destroy brain cells and can have adverse effects on the developing organs. Believe it or not, one drink during pregnancy can cause Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

What is FAS? FAS refers to a group of mental and physical birth defects. These defects occur in some individuals whose birth mothers drank alcohol while pregnant. The most common symptoms of FAS include growth deficiency before and after birth, central nervous system dysfunction resulting in learning, disabilities and physical malformation in the face and cranial areas. Other alcohol related birth defects involve central nervous damage like FAS, but without the physical abnormalities.

FAS is the leading known cause of mental delays.

There is no cure for FAS, if a child is born with it, they will have it for life.

What are some of the effects of FAS? Babies born with FAS may have some of the following physical characteristics: • Small, widely spaced eyes • Short, upturned nose • Low birth weight • Smooth, wide philtrum (the part between 18

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

• • • • • • • • •

your nose and top lip) Flatter midface Smaller head circumference Hyperactivity Inappropriately friendly with strangers Immature school behaviour Attention deficits Memory deficits Difficulty with abstract concepts Difficulty learning and understanding consequences

How do you know if your child is born with FAS? If physical characteristics are not visible then the child may not get a diagnosis of FAS. However, they may have some of the neurological symptoms which are not as easily recognizable in infants. Though some infants with FAS do not have distinctive physical characteristics, they can show signs of the invisible symptoms. For example, most infants with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder (FASD) are irritable, don’t eat or sleep well, have a strong startle reflex and are extra sensitive to sensory stimulation.

Some infants may have head defects or suffer anomalies to the eyes, ears, liver or joints.

Only about 10 % of affected children receive proper diagnosis of FAS, while the other 90% have what is called Fetal Alcohol Effects.

Alcohol Consumption During Stages of Pregnancy First Trimester – During this stage of pregnancy alcohol consumption interferes with the migration and organization of the developing brain cells.

Second Trimester – Drinking, especially between the 10th and 20th week after conception, can cause more clinical features of FAS then at any other time during the pregency.

Third Trimester – During this stage the hippocampus, the part of the brain that plays an instrumental role in memory development, can be greatly affected by alcohol consumption.

This can lead to problems with encoding visual and auditory information (i.e. math and reading).

Quick facts about FAS • • • • • •

•

•

10% of children with FASD have an IQ below 70.

FASD is the leading known cause of mental retardation Over 50% of women of childbearing age drink alcohol Only 30% of women over the childbearing age know what FAS is.

20% of women who know they are pregnant continue to drink during pregnancy.

Although only the mother’s drinking can cause FAS, the father’s drinking can lower testosterone levels, decrease healthy sperm and increase the risk of disorders in offspring.

The brain and the central nervous system are developing throughout pregnancy. Therefore, the baby’s brain is always vulnerable to damage from alcohol exposure (see image above) No amount of alcohol is known to be safe during pregnancy.

Education

When mom cries more than baby...

Postpartum depression (PPD) Written by: Julie Kerr (first published Spring 2005) OK, let’s say that you just gave birth to your beautiful, baby girl and you are quite shocked that you’re not googly eyed for her. Actually, you hardly want to touch her. Your usual sense of happiness has plummeted to new depths and you feel confused and uncertain about this whole “being a mother” thing.

seeing things that are not there and/or she may become delusional (distorting the truth). This could pose a threat on all the people involved.

Treatment is recommended straight away.

Avoiding PPD • •

I’m sure most of us felt that way in the beginning. At this time hormone levels are like a yo-yo and take a while to balance out.

The baby blues are common at this stage, but when the feelings become more intense, lasting longer than a few days or weeks, you need to re-evaluate the situation If you have had a baby, miscarriage or weaned within the past few months you are at risk.

Other than that, postpartum depression does not discriminate. It’ll find you regardless of your social status, race, religion or bank account - so NEVER assume “It won’t happen to me.” Ok, we got the baby blues, which might occur in the days directly after childbirth. This could last anywhere from a few hours to two weeks. Expect mood swings and possibly a feeling of loneliness. Getting over the blues usually consists of talking with other new mothers in a support group or other setting.

Postpartum depression could show itself within a few days or even months after giving birth. Feelings may be similar to the baby blues, yet are more intense and the duration is longer. This may have a negative affect on relationships and the ability to take care of yourself and your baby. RED FLAG see your doctor ASAP. Symptoms could get worse if not treated with counselling or even medication, depending on the severity.

Postpartum psychosis is another story. This is an extremely serious diagnosis and is considered a mental illness. It occurs within the first 3 months after giving birth and is so severe that apart from the common symptoms, a woman could start hearing and

• • • • • • • • • •

Sleep, and get enough of it. (Nap when the baby naps, the dirty dishes aren't going anywhere) Exercise moderately. Try to get outdoors regularly.

Vent, whether it be talking, writing, music or sports.

Eat well, gain energy.

Socialise and meet new people.

Don’t let other peoples actions consume your thoughts.

Nurture your relationship with your partner.

Drink lots of water.

Don’t expect too much from yourself.

Enjoy the little things in life.

Take a time out, whenever possible.

Remember if anything, it’s not what happens to you that makes you a hero, it is how you react to it.

Symptoms of PPD

IRRITABILITY

Restless

SADNESS

TEARS, TEARS, TEARS

Lack of energy

HEADaches

FEELINGS OF

WORTHLESSNESS

Depression

INSOMNIA

Weight GAIN

Memory loss

Trouble focusing

No feelings of pleasure

THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE

GUILT

Drug or alcohol abuse

Resentful feelings to your baby

Mood SWINGS

Paranoia

INDECISIVENESS

ANXIETY

Chest pains

Always feeling tired

FRUSTRATION

Sleeping too much

No appetite

Heart palpitations

Isolation

Irrational fears

NUMBNESS

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

19

Education

ANXIETY:

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT? Written by Hermina Campbell (first published Winter 2006) Ok, so I’m 20 years old, and a mom of a two-year-old. At the same time, I’m trying to do the college thing and trying to cope with little to no money! Worst part of it is I have an anxiety disorder. Something I really don’t need right now! I mean come on...don’t I have enough to deal with? My schedule consists of 5:30 am wake ups, breakfasts for “little miss picky” (a.k.a my daughter, who is going through a terrible twos phase), runny noses, major school projects, deadlines, daycare calls (that pull you out of class), laundry, dinner, bills, rent, etc… Does it ever end? Of course not. And smack dab in the midst of it all, I have to deal with the overwhelming want and need to run away from it all. My chest gets tight, my heart beats, like, a million miles an hour, and I can’t seem to catch my breath. What’s worse is I feel like I have no control and I can’t calm myself down. Sound familiar?

Anxiety! It’s really scary if you don’t know what it is or understand it!

It’s very common and often misunderstood.

You can control it and it doesn’t have to take over your life. Here’s a textbook description of what an anxiety disorder is in general, quoted from the McMaster University Medical University Centre.

“Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by excessive anxiety and worry about a number of ordinary events or activities such as work or school performance, their health or safety, or simply just the thought of making it through the day. The worry must occur daily for at least six months. The person often finds it difficult to control the anxiety and worry and becomes unable to carry out even the most ordinary daily activity. The worries are often associated with three or more of the following symptoms; restlessness, feeling keyed up or on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, headache and sleep disturbance.”

There are many different types of anxiety disorder, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which is s long-lasting and low grade; panic disorder, which has more 20

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

dramatic symptoms; phobias; performance anxiety; obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD); and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Some of these can be very serious and require immediate help with coping and overcoming them.

The most common symptom for an anxiety disorder is the feeling of any type of panic in a particular situation or environment. The common feeling you get is what triggers your body to act the way it does (heart racing, tight chest, short of breath), causing you to panic or feel overwhelmed. I call it the “locked-in-a-box-so-tight-that-you can’tbreathe” feeling. It’s very important to know your body and to listen to the messages it sends you. As parents, we have to be able to stay in control. Although the symptoms can vary according to the specific anxiety disorder, I found a chart that lists common symptoms to look out for. If you have 2 or more, see a doctor and she/he should be able to help you, or refer you to someone who can. Okay, so now that you realize that you have two or more of the above symptoms, what do you do? Well first, go see your doctor. He will ask you a series of questions and run tests. A lot of people don’t do this because they don’t want to face their problems.

You have to face the problem in order to fix

it. Facing problems is a part of life and part of maturing and developing as humans. We gotta do it.

Anxiety can be triggered by a number of things. So what are they? Well to begin with, stress is a big one, and worrying about things such as money, school, lifestyle, and kids are all stressors! Maybe even a past situation or environment that you’re scared of being in can set it off. Traumatic experiences can cause anxiety. When you try to block them out and you have a sudden memory, it can be very intense. It’s best to seek help in situations like that. Anxiety can also affect your social and personal relationships, causing you to stay home and talk to less people. You can become depressed when you lock yourself away from others as well, and depression on top of anxiety is no fun.

Here is a list of some helpful ways to cope: Antidepressants: Can be helpful, but must be prescribed by a doctor.

Exercise: Any physical activity is great.

Exercise such as yoga helps you control the mind, as well as concentrate on proper breathing techniques that can calm you down.

Education

FREE computer upgrading course

Lifestyle changes: Such as finding hobbies, going out, and more R & R. Take a class in your community. These can help with any social barriers you may have.

Deep Breathing. Taking deep breaths calms you down. The slower the better. (It’s kind of like when you’re in labor and they tell you to breathe a certain way to bring back your focus and help you stay calm.)

• Realizing that anxiety is what it is.

• If you’re always worrying about the future, try bringing yourself back to the present. Focus on what’s currently going on. (Again it’s bringing yourself to focus)

www.accestrain.com

I interviewed Debbie Lifshen, MSW RSW Psychotherapist, about ways of controlling anxiety. These are the tips that she gave me:

• Doctors will most likely offer you medication, but it is preferable to speak with a therapist. (Do go to a doctor to be sure about your symptoms)

• A lot of people feel alone, as if

no one will understand. Making connections with people can help validate that you are NOT alone.

• Break isolation. Anxiety is the

perfect opportunity to seek out people who may feel the way you do, and have the same experiences.

This way, you can help each other (helping someone is always fulfilling).

Hopefully this helps you understand anxiety, and steps to stay in control. As parents, we must always be willing to help and nurture ourselves. It is equally as important to take care of your physical and mental health. Life can be hard and sometimes gets the best of us. In order to do so, we must try to maintain and stay in control. Anxiety does not have to take over your life, so don’t let it. If you feel like you are having mixed feelings about your health and mental health, make sure you speak with somebody, do some research and find out what’s wrong. Sometimes, it’s really nothing to be worried about at all.

Are you a single mother who is receiving Ontario Works?

If so, the START program may be your new beginning!

• Enhance your Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Access, HTML, Internet and E-mail skills.

• Gain a clear career direction and job search tips • Job placement assistance

CALL

Toronto: 416-921-1800 Scarborough: 416-431-5326

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

21

Education

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS...

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY AND WHEN TO RUN Written by: Candice Curtis (first published Winter 2006)

The Facts: •

•

• •

•

•

•

In a 1993 violence against women survey, Statistics Canada reported that 51% of all women had experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual abuse by the time they were 16 years old. From the same report, one in four women had been abused by a partner at least once and 34% of women who had been abused by their partner feared their lives were in danger at least once.

Statistics Canada 2004 Statistical Profile of Family Violence in Canada found that females accounted for 85% of all victims of partner violence reported to the police departments.

Women 25-34 years of age experienced the highest rates of partner violence.

Women are 8 times more likely to be victimized by a partner than men are (Fitzgerald 1999).

21% of women abused by a marital partner were assaulted during pregnancy; 40% of these women said that the abuse began during their pregnancy (Fitzgerald 1999).

In a recent survey, 12% of women aged 18 to 24 reported at least one incident of violence by a marital partner in a one-year period- 4 times the national average (Fitzgerald 1999).

Women married to or living with heavy drinkers, are 5 times more likely to be assaulted by their partners than women who live with non-drinkers (Fitzgerald 1999).

Women constitute 98% of spousal violence victims, and victims of kidnapping/hostage taking and sexual assault (Fitzgerald 1999).

Physical abuse is: • • • •

Hitting, slapping, punching, using weapons or objects Choking Shoving Physically restraining

Sexual abuse is: • • •

Forcing sex Unwanted sexual acts or behavior Unwanted touching

• • •

• • •

•

Constant criticism Humiliation Put downs

Effects of abuse on women: • • • • • • • • • • •

Chronic headaches Stomach pains Vaginal infections Sleeping disorders Eating disorders

• •

Voice your concerns and offer support and options The love and help offered should be consistent Don’t get upset if she doesn’t leave right away (it could be awhile before a woman decides to leave).

If you try to rush her you’ll only make her feel more upset and guilty.

Don’t tell her “I told you so”, or tell her “you shouldn’t have stayed in the first place”.

Be supportive in any way you can.

Early warning signs that a partner may have abusive tendencies: 1.

Extreme Jealousy

High stress levels

2.

Possessiveness

Long lasting fear and anxiety

3.

Controlling attitude

Depression

4.

Low self esteem

5.

Wild mood swings

6.

Alcohol and drug use

7.

Explosive anger

Low self-esteem

Fatigue Posttraumatic stress syndrome

What is abuse?

Abuse can be physical, sexual and emotional or psychological. Although there are different kinds of abuse, they are all very serious. They all have detrimental effects on a woman, and are hard to deal with on many levels.

• • • •

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

What someone on the outside can do to help:

Emotional abuse:

Effects of abuse on children:

22

Boys who witness domestic violence against their mothers are five time more likely to grow up to be abusers, while girls who witness violence are five times more likely to grow up to be victims of abuse.

Depression Very aggressive Low self-esteem Behavior problems at school

8. A history of abuse with family or past partners. Abuse may start as one type and progress to others. It may begin with possessiveness and occasional insults and progress to sexual aggression and other physical violence.

Education

If you are being abused you can create a safety plan: 1. Make a list of emergency telephone numbers: Toronto police service telephone directory (416) 808-2222 Assaulted Women’s Help Line (416) 863-0511 Victim services program of Toronto, Inc. (416) 808-7066 You can find your local crisis centre in the front of the telephone book, the number is usually there.

They can help you find a shelter, support services, counselling and social assistance.

2. Start a savings account in another bank.

3. Move important stuff to a secure location (i.e. identification, cash, credit cards, children’s belongings, medications and clothes).

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

23

Feature

Your body, your self...

help and hope for eating disorders at Sheena’s place Written by: Julie Kerr (first published Spring 2005)

BULIMIA: The practice of purging either by vomiting, laxatives or extreme exercise.

BINGE EATING: Consuming a large amount of food in order to fill an emotional void.

ANOREXIA:

When a person deprives him or herself of food for an extended period of time due to a distorted personal body image.

I got the opportunity to speak with a young mother who has been battling bulimia, as well as bouts of anorexia. Her story involves a support system that she swears by, right here in Toronto.

Her presence was surreal as I observed a weekly workshop at “Sheena’s Place”, an organization dedicated to supporting women and men with eating disorders. Their program focuses on solving the problem by empowering their participants, providing them with a caring, confidential atmosphere, while encouraging a sense of self and a respect for their body.

When I met Alexandra she was participating in a workshop called “Breaking the Chains of Low Self-Esteem”. She described this particular group meeting as inspiring yet challenging. “Obviously an eight week course won’t be enough to cure me of my illness, but it is definitely a foundation for beginning the route to recovery.” Alexandra says. This specific meeting consisted of topics such as body image, stress relief and lifestyle management. Participants were free to share or not, but by the end of the sessions the instructor couldn’t shut us all up.

24

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

According to Alexandra, “Sharing your story with other’s in the same boat is shockingly therapeutic and brings out those feelings that you try to gorge yourself with. Learning the techniques that train your brain to think differently should be taught in school, not just centres for illnesses.”

Positive thinking, affirmations and visualizations are all part of the process of living in health. Little things that we don’t take seriously like sleeping enough can throw you off and affect everything from how you eat, move and present yourself. Yoga, Pilates and dance are other programs offered in an attempt to provide support, by gradually changing the image of the person involved. Arts, crafts and music teach the individual to express their feelings in a positive and constructive way.

“You wouldn’t imagine a yoga class helping an eating disorder, but it gives you the esteem to enjoy your body, feel good about it and in turn makes you want to nurture it rather than deprive and torture it.” Support groups for family and friends encourage loved one’s to learn about eating disorders in turn offering empathy and a shoulder to cry on.

Sheena’s Place

3. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.

4. Surround yourself with positive people.

5. See yourself as you want others to see you.

6. Mute the negative voices in your head by replacing them with positive reinforcements.

Nutrition Is… •

• • • • • •

For more info contact (416) 927-8900 or visit www.sheenasplace.org.

• • •

Six Steps to a Positive Body Image

•

1. Keep a list of things that you like about yourself. Read your list often.

2. Appreciate your body and what it can do.

Take time to enjoy all the things your body can do.

•

Replenishing your body consistently throughout the day with adequate fluids, food, air, experiences, thoughts and companionship.

Choose foods you enjoy.

Taking your time with your meal and savouring each bite.

Enjoy preparing your food.

Recognizing your reason for eating.

I.E. hunger, sadness, anxiety etc, and choosing to deal with it accordingly.

Consuming the appropriate amount of food for your age, weight and height.

Finding the balance in your eating habits so you feel satisfied without being wasteful.

Sleeping enough.

Asking for help when you need it.

Trusting your body to send accurate messages about what you need for nourishment.

Creating daily habits that promote your own health.

Knowing what is best for your body.

Feature

SLEEPING? OR NOT...

SLEEPING PATTERNS AND PROBLEMS Written by: Candis Curtis (first published Fall 2004)

The second night, leave your child for 10 minute intervals The third night, leave your child for 15 minute intervals etc.

Health Complications From Eating Disorders • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Heart attack, irregular heart beat and heart muscle, Congestive heart failure, Loss of brain mass Loss of hair Growth of excessive body hair Heightened risk for diabetes Illness and infection Infertility Loss of menstrual cycle Chronic constipation or diarrhea Decreased energy Feeling of cold constantly Electrolyte imbalance Ulcers Tooth decay or enamel erosion Muscle weakness Arthritis Sore throat, sores in mouth & gums Swollen glands Ruptured blood vessels in throat and stomach Restlessness / anxiety Obesity Retardation in height growth Early osteoporosis Weight gain Rectal bleeding Seizures Swelling of feet, hand & legs Depression / suicide

It’s two in the morning, you have bags under your eyes, you look terrible and you haven’t slept in weeks (or at least it feels like you haven’t). Still your child insists on waking up your sleepy head. Sound familiar?

If your child is anything like mine, then you can kiss your sleeping days goodbye.

Newborn babies may sleep anywhere from 12 to 20 hours a day, waking every 2-3 hours for feedings. Most babies don’t develop normal sleeping patterns until about four or six months of age, where as toddlers and pre-schoolers can sleep an average of twelve hours a night with one nap during the day. School-aged children require less sleep as they get older.

Encourage them to sleep at least 10 hours a day. Sleep patterns in children take time to develop into normal sleep cycle, so whether a sleep pattern or habit is abnormal depends on the age of the child and the child as an individual. Most sleep experts agree that any attempt to encourage a baby to sleep through the night should be left until the child is at least six months of age. “Prior to that time, a child’s brain and nervous system are simply not sufficiently mature to enable him/her to sleep through the night” explained Dr. Charles Pohl, the director of the pediatric sleep centre at Thomas Jefferson University.

The Ferber Method: Many parents choose to use the Ferber method to teach their babies to sleep through the night. This method involves minimizing the amount of night time interaction between parent and child.

Example:

The Ferber method is considered highly effective. Most parents see improvement in their child’s sleep patterns within days.

However not everyone agrees that this method works. Including Dr. Marc Weiss Bluth, a pediatrician and the author of ‘Healthy Sleep Habits,’ he argues that it makes more sense to leave and encourage parents to respect rather than attempt to alter their baby’s emerging sleep patterns.

“Parents can’t change the evolving rhythm of a baby’s sleep pattern anymore than they can change the seasons” he said. “What’s more, parents who artificially interfere with their child’s sleep patterns risk doing more harm than good.”

Tips recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics to prevent sleep problems • Keep your child as calm as possible

by avoiding too much stimulation during the night so he/she can fall back asleep easily.

• Try not to let baby sleep as long

during the day. As soon as baby is tired put him to bed immediately. In this way he will learn to relax himself to sleep.

• Rocking or holding a baby until she

falls asleep creates a habit. Soon the she will need to be held and comforted back to sleep every time he/she wakes in the middle of the night.

• Avoid putting baby to sleep in

your bed. Aside from the fact that some recent studies have reported increased incidence of crib death of babies sleeping with their parents, this can also create poor sleep habits and consequently sleep problems.

The first night, leave your child to cry for five minute intervals Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

25

Feature

Little Feelings are a BIG Deal: How parents and caregivers can support emotional development in young children Written by: Vanessa Young (first published Winter 2006) From the moment your child is born, they experience many different emotions that you and I experience on a daily basis. Surprise, anger, joy, sadness, disgust, and fear are all called primary emotions because they are present at birth. These different emotions help the child communicate to their parents or caregivers. At approximately one and a half years old, children begin to develop self-conscious emotions, which are empathy, jealousy, embarrassment, pride, shame and guilt. These emotions require the child to be aware and conscious about what is going on.

Even though children are born with different emotions it’s the parents’ and caregivers’ responsibility to raise and nurture emotionally healthy children.

To raise emotionally healthy children, parents need to have a healthy, stable, trusting, and loving relationship with their children. From the time your child is born, they are trying to figure out who they can trust in this world. If you respond to their needs to be fed, clothed, changed, bathed, talk to, played with, and comforted when they are upset, they will begin to trust that you will be there when they need you.

As they grow older, these children are more likely to come to you and discuss their problems, concerns and feelings. An easy and effective way to build a trusting relationship with your child is to maintain a routine within the household. When children have a set routine, they know what’s going to happen next and they feel a sense of security. Along with routine, parents should have age-appropriate rules and consequences. When children are 26

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

able to predict what the consequence of their actions will be, they are more likely to trust that if they break the rules, you will respond the same way each time. Remember, in order for the rules and consequences to work, parents and caregivers need to be consistent and the rules and consequences need to be age-appropriate.

As parents, it is critical that we teach our children about different emotions and help them understand why they feel certain ways.

Depending on the child’s age parents can help children differentiate between emotions by labeling or having the child label how they feel, what caused them to feel that way, and then parents can help children find a solution to the problem.

This method is called emotional coaching.

By doing this, parents are not only expanding their child’s vocabulary, they are also explaining or having the child explain why they feel the way they do. Having children talk about how they feel helps them cope with their emotions in a very positive way.

Young children need help verbalizing their emotions; parents and caregivers can help children express themselves by following these three easy steps:

“I know you are really upset, but you can not go around pinching your friends. Here’s some play dough to play with, you can pinch it if you like.” At around four to five –yearsold children begin to understand that the same event can cause different people to feel different emotions. Parents can help their child understand this concept through everyday play. Parents can ask their child to label how another child might feel during playtime.

Parents can also read stories that involve the characters feeling different emotions. Parents can then explain or have the child explain why that character feels the way they do.

Sometimes parenting can be difficult and exhausting, especially when your child is throwing an emotional fit. Many parents find it easier to ignore, deny or try to change the negative emotions that the child feels. This is called emotion-dismissing parenting, and it’s not the best way to support your child’s emotional development. Next time, instead of ignoring, denying or trying to change your child’s negative emotions, or saying “Big boys/girls aren’t scared” when he/she says “Mommy I’m scared”, acknowledge how they feel and try to understand why and what can be done to make the situation better.

When parents neglect their child’s emotions by saying comments such as “You’re not scared,” and “That’s silly, there’s nothing to worry about” they are setting their child up to feel fear, confusion, shame and resentment.

These emotions can have a detrimental effect on the child’s development. Children should be encouraged to express how they feel in a positive way because a child who suppresses emotions is more likely to have bigger problems as they grow older, as these concealed emotions resurface.

Step 1 - Verbalize the child’s feelings for them. By saying, for example: “What seems to be the matter Childs name, you look upset.”

Keep in mind that you are your child’s number one role model. You are also the first teacher your child will have, and hopefully, the most influential. Children look up to their parents, therefore the way you handle your own emotions will affect how your child deals with their own emotions. By responding in an emotionally positive way, by talking about how you feel, controlling your own temper and by taking responsibility for your own emotions, your child in turn will model exactly what you have shown them.

Step 2 - Accept the child’s feelings and express them by saying something like: “I know your really upset because… (The child will feel reassured that you understand how they feel.)

So be sure to only model behaviours that you want to see in your children. Supporting their emotional development will help your child grow up to be an emotionally happy and stable individual.

Step 3 - Provide a way to express the child’s feelings in an appropriate way. For example:

Feature

MIDWIVES:

A SIMPLE SOLUTION

Written by: Deb Scorsone (first published Summer 2003) With the number of SARS cases in Toronto in the past few months, hospitals have become a scary place for expectant or delivering mothers. In light of this, Yo’ Mama wants to provide some insight into one alternative to hospitals: midwives.

A midwife is a different type of birth attendant. Ever since I was a wee lass I have been preoccupied with what most people call the ‘olden days’ and the idea of the simple lives in the past. It seemed natural to me when I got pregnant to do what they did in the times long gone. Where hospitals were few and far between and every baby was delivered with the help of the village midwife.

In those days, the honored position would often be filled by a woman, possibly the mother of 12 or more, who had a love of pregnant bellies and toothless grins. I was lucky: unlike in the olden days, in my village of Toronto, there is not one, but dozens of midwives, all of whom have at least a four-year Bachelor of Health Sciences, which includes five three-month mentorship placements.

After a few phone calls and word-of-mouth inquires, I found a midwife who worked in my area and who I knew I could trust. As my pregnancy progressed, I was surprised to learn how many women don’t have any idea what a midwife does.

The role of a midwife is almost identical to the role of an obstetrician but with a greater emphasis on the woman’s needs and choices.

“You’re not just a womb, uterus and vagina,” says Mary Sharpe of Riverdale Midwives, “but a whole woman who had feelings and

spiritual and emotional needs.” Midwives embody this philosophy in their daily practice.

A huge emphasis in midwifery care is placed on explaining all the tests and procedures and allowing the pregnant woman to choose whether or not to have them. This is called informed choice. Appointments can last up to an hour. A midwife is on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. This 24/7 care continues six weeks after the baby is born. “If you have a question at 11:00 at night and you’re really worried about it, you can page, which I think is nice.” says Anita Bright of the Midwife Alliance of Toronto.

The most well known difference that the midwife provided is the choice of birthplace.

A midwife will assist a birth in a hospital or at a woman’s home. Long ago, when my father was young, most babies were born at home.

Eventually the idea caught on that if women didn’t have to endure the pain of childbirth they shouldn’t have to. Hospital births then became the norm with access to painkillers and the added security of having surgeons and the NICU available at a moment’s notice. In the sixties and seventies, when feminism was on the rise, it was thought that doctors, mostly male, had taken childbirth away from women.

Women had begun to resent the increased use of interventions such as forceps, episiotomies and caesarian sections that were associated with hospital births.

So back to the midwives they went! Back to home births and the olden days, when childbirth was women’s stuff. When asked what kind of home is good enough for a home birth, Anita Bright replies with a laugh: “If you have running water, electricity and a phone, that’s about good enough for us!”

She also points out that an ambulance has to be able to access the property in case of an emergency.

In 1994 midwives became legally licensed to practice in Ontario. Before this time, there had been a legal gray area with no law and midwives got funding to practice from the Ministry of Health. This gave them easier access to hospitals and allowed them to send women for ultrasounds and other tests. With the approval of the Ministry of Health and regulated midwifery programs at schools like Ryerson, Laurentian and McMaster, midwifery became mainstream.

Suddenly it was not just for women who smell like patchouli and eat garbanzo beans for breakfast. Women from all backgrounds could have the confidence in midwifery care.

In the waiting room at my first midwife appointment, I was surprised at the variety of women – there were ‘hippies’, teachers, professionals, young mums, and women from all cultures. “Women who are residents in Ontario are covered by the Ministry of Health for midwifery care even if they don’t have OHIP. That’s why we do have a lot of non-OHIP clients,” says Anita Bright.

Overall I loved my experience of pregnancy and even labour, which I decided to have at home. I gained a sense of unity with my body and my femininity during those months. It could have been the realization of the intense changes and endurances that women’s bodies are capable of. However, I believe a large reason for my good experience was due to the respect that my midwife gave to my body and my choice.

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

27

Feature RHYTHM & RHYME TIME...

Music and Child Development Written by: Jacqueline Graham (first published Winter 2006)

When was the last time you sat down with your child and made shakers out of toilet paper tubes? Or sang an old time favourite? Or even bought or made them a pair of maracas? If you’ve been doing these kinds of things, well the benefits are coming in!

From the time my daughter was in the womb, I sang and played music for her. Not only did it relax me, but it relaxed her too. While it’s true that every child develops at his or her own pace, researchers have found that music serves as more than just a form of entertainment. It also plays a role in child development. For my daughter, this realization came to me around the time she was ten months.

It was just a few days earlier, I recall myself telling her day-care teachers how busy she seemed - exploring the world around her, never seeming to keep still. She’d move

it across the page as she scribbled. Her facial expression told me that she believed that it made sense. She looked like she was hard at work: as if she didn’t want to be interrupted.

And so I didn’t. This is when I realized that my busy child was acquiring the art of concentration, another skill cultivated from the influence of music. Because a child must focus on a particular activity for an extended period of time, a musical instrument will help to develop concentration.

My family and I always sing songs to and with my daughter, so she’s surrounded by music. At church, they play tambourines along with other things, and she even has one for herself. And it’s almost a ritual now at her baby sitter’s for her to clap her hands and say “Yai” as soon as Mrs. Higgens opens the door. You see, J’anne recognizes her as the lady who always sings “Clap Your Tiny Hands”.

Music helps children develop positive associations with fun people and places, and helps them develop their memory skills. I had several opportunities to sit in on circle time led by Mary Rykov, the music therapist at my daughter’s daycare. She had a big drum, shakers, bells, maracas and other interesting instruments for the children to play with.

They were learning songs about parts of

daughter and I were at home doing our little medley of songs. She cut in with a “Roo, roo,” twirling her hands around and then lifting them up in the air. She was singing “Rolly-Polly,” a song from daycare - so I joined in. She smiled with pride, showing her two teeth, feeling reassured that her attempt to use communication to request a song was understood. Singing songs with my daughter is a relaxing time for us. We always have fun and she always looks forward to it. And she does not even realize that she is developing her brain. She’s just having fun.

I would like to share an experience I had at a Supporting Young Families’ Christmas party that was really interesting. They had a drummer come in to entertain the parents and children. The children moved in closer and even participated. As the drummer manipulated beautiful sounds from the African drum, he asked the children to do some fun, silly things. They were so excited by the fast beating of the drum and the challenge of imitating animals that they didn’t care how funny they looked, or who’s feet they were stepping on. That’s kids for you! The beauty of it all was that while they were jumping up and down, having fun, they were also using and developing their social skills. And their listening skills too I guess, as they were asked several times to sit back.

The first few years of a child’s life is a crucial time for building the physical, mental, and emotional foundations that will carry them through the rest of their childhood, and even further in to the future. You’ll be surprised at how powerful a tool music is in this development. I’ve seen how music helped to develop my daughter’s hand-eye co-ordination and concentration. Music can also help to develop a child’s communication skills. Singing and chanting repetitive songs and rhymes all help in building up confidence in using language and remembering new words. Listening to different types of sounds made by different objects is a good way to build up the skill of concentrated listening, and the ability to differentiate between sounds.

from one thing to another, with a very short attention span of interest in any particular thing. Then a few days later at home, as I worked on my project with loose papers all around me, I saw my daughter pick up a pen and act as if she was writing. She really believed she was. I watched her properly adjusting the pencil in her hand, looking at it for accuracy in position. She literally took the pen, looked for the ballpoint, turned it around and positioned it knowingly between her fingers, preparing to write. I’ve never seen a child hold a pen with such accuracy before, as if it was nothing new to her, maneuvering 28

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

the body, and farm animals and the sounds they make. My first reaction was to wonder, “Why would it make sense to teach songs to a daycare full of newborns and infants, who don’t yet have the use for words?” Yes, we sang to my daughter at home, as it was a time for bonding, but singing at school? At first you would think that these infants had no clue of what was going on. But really, they do.

They are building and developing their mental capacity to recognize sounds and words. I realized this once again when my

A significant relationship has been found between music instruction and positive performance in mathematics, reading, listening and motor skills. Children with little else in common can come together at circle time, and in other musical activities to clap, sing and play together, developing their social skills. As for my daughter, along with all her other amazing development. She’s now going around the house, banging pot covers together and blowing through paper towel rolls...and making her own music with anything else she finds.

Feature

Sexually Healthy Children…

Is What My Child Doing Normal?

Written by: Lindsay Kretschmer (first published Fall 2003) It’s bath time. Time to wash your hair, your feet, your legs and your ‘cookie.’

Now lets not confuse food with body parts.

After all we certainly wouldn’t give an Oreo a bath would we? I could probably give you about 50 or more names for the female genitals but none of them would be correct.

My mother called ‘It’ a ‘cookie’ and let me tell you…I went through the first six years of my life thinking that was the proper name.

I went through another two years feeling embarrassed whenever I heard the word ‘vagina.’

When we use incorrect names for our child’s body parts we are not only confusing them but we are also sending them a message that sexuality and private parts are something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. We live in a time where it is not necessary to be all hush- hush. My daughter has a VAGINA not a cookie. Little boys have a PENIS not a birdie. When we don’t call our child’s body parts by their proper names then what are we teaching our children about ourselves? Are we showing them that, because we are too embarrassed to say it, that they should be?

If that’s the case how will your child ever be able to talk about a situation where another child or person may have touched them in a way that was inappropriate - they won’t be able to describe their feelings because they have already learned that talking about sexual things is shameful.

The fact is humans are sexual beings. Children are not unique in this sense. Children are curious: they want to know where babies come from, why male and female body parts are different and how bodies function.

You are your child’s first sex educator. It is important for us to communicate openly

with our children about sexuality at an early age. Because around the time a child begins school they will start to learn about sex through friends, the media and society. The information they receive from these sources may be wrong, harmful or confusing. Your child needs to know she can talk to you about her feelings and be comfortable about her own sexuality.

When I first noticed my daughter touching her vagina I considered my options on how to react. I could have: A) told her to stop doing that because it was dirty; OR, B) told her that it’s okay to do that, but she needs to do it in private. I chose option B. It is completely normal for children to touch their genitals for pleasure. The important thing is to teach them that certain parts of their bodies are private and should not be touched by others and that they should not touch themselves in front of other people. If your child is touching themselves in front of people, explain that what they are doing is okay and that they need to do it in a private place like their bedroom or bathroom.

Do not react in a way that will make your child feel ashamed or embarrassed.

children from harm. So if you are concerned about your child’s sexual behavior or if your child expresses verbal or physical discomfort around a family member or friend it is important to talk to your child and to seek help.

There should be no secrets between you and your child. Your child needs to know this as well - she needs to know she can tell you things and she needs to feel comfortable saying them.

Resources For more information visit your local library and ask about books and videos on speaking to your kids about sex and sexuality. There are appropriate materials for both children and parents.

For more information on children and sexual health contact: Parent Help Line 1-888-603-9100 AIDS and Sexual Health Info line 1-800668-2437 Public Health (416) 392-7451

It is also quite common for children to engage in various types of sexual exploration and play. We have all heard about Jimmy and Susie “playing doctor.” Don’t be shocked if you walk in to find your child and his friend or sibling examining each other’s body parts. If these sexual explorations are simply curiositybased and do not involve coercion on the part of either child, these behaviors are considered typical and harmless. It is not recommended that you allow your much younger child to explore with an older child as the younger child is more vulnerable. Whereas an older child may take the play more seriously since they have already passed the discovery point.

There are some sexual behaviours in young children that are not so common; some of them could be signs of sexual abuse. For example: if a child is touching his genitals so often that they begin to neglect other activities; he touches his genitals in public even after being told to stop numerous times; she knows too much about sex for her age; she imitates intercourse or uses “dirty” words that are not his/her usual habit. Some children may not do any of these things, however if you suspect your child is or has been abused you need to talk to someone about it.

First, you may want to speak with your family about your concerns. Then you should speak with a Public Health nurse, social worker or someone you trust. It is absolutely essential for us as parents to protect our Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

29

Feature

CHILDREN’S AID Friend or Foe?

Written by: Anonymous (first published Summer 2006) As a child I was afraid of the big bad wolf and other mythical monsters. Having a child of my own brought out real fears, fears of failure and fears of having my child “taken” by the Children’s Aid. I had my first child before I turned 15 and so the hospital performed their routine duty to call them. When they came, I was sitting in my hospital bed clutching my baby for dear life. I thought for sure they had come to take him. I was wrong, they only came to inspect. And 3 months later they were still inspecting. They had determined that based on my lack of parenting knowledge and skill - bottom line, my age and maturity level - I was in need of support. I, on the other hand, disagreed. I felt threatened by their “support” and so I resisted their attempts to communicate with me. They created a “plan of care” which labeled me “high-risk” based on my background and age.

They gave me a set of court ordered conditions to comply with in order to keep my child, and all I wanted to do was shut the door in my worker’s face and carry on with my day. I lived at a shelter for young moms during the first few months of my baby’s life and during those months there was a constant battle between me and social workers. I was tired of people meddling in my business and telling me how to feed, bathe and hold my child. Mothering began to feel unnatural. I felt like every decision I made was wrong and that there was always some college or university graduate who had all the answers.

I grew angry. Here I was, out here on my own, trying my best with what I had to work with, and I was surrounded by people who weren’t listening. I felt like I was standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one would even flinch or show any signs of hearing me.

30

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

I was tired and fed up and so I started to retaliate. I started slipping, I stopped going to the already random drop-in programs and parenting groups. I was hostile to my CAS worker and on a few occasions threatened her. I lost all interest in trying to prove myself and instead slipped further away into my own selfish anger, and it wasn’t long before the CAS were at my door, police in tow, ready to apprehend my son. I screamed and cried and begged them not to, but I was powerless. I struggled to stand up as they carried him away and placed him in the car.

I threw myself down and pounded my fists against the ground and wailed, knowing that I couldn’t bring him back and that it was my fault he was gone.

I hated the CAS for taking him; I hated them for taking away other children, and for bugging my friends and inspecting their homes and lives, and instilling fear in them.

I hated myself for hating them, and everyone else who had tried to help me. I became even more absorbed in my anger. After leaving court and watching my child slip through my fingers again, as the judge granted custody to a more responsible family member, I realized that I would always be angry.

I stayed angry for almost three years before the news of a second pregnancy. I was almost 18 years old and four months pregnant before I realized that the CAS had not been out to get me before. They were trying to help me understand why those conditions were important to the well being of my son. They weren’t brutal baby snatchers, but rather protectors and helpers.

Over the years I watched the news and discovered that many children all over our city suffered various methods of abuse, and that without the protection of the CAS, these children might have to go on suffering.

While by no means did my firstborn suffer

any serious neglect, I did fail to better myself for his benefit. My second pregnancy gave me new insight on CAS, and while I wasn’t 100% certain it would work, I picked up the phone anyway. I thought better me than a nurse or someone else. I called CAS on myself, if you will. I called them and told them I needed help and support and that I wanted to keep my baby, but given my history there might be concerns.

And so began my “voluntary agreement” to work with the CAS. I was a little older, a little wiser and a little more open-minded when I began my working relationship with them again, and it turned out to be a good experience. I had an awesome worker who listened to me, and as a result, I learned to listen to her. I began to understand her job and how difficult it must have been. The first six months of my daughter’s life were spent with me busting my butt trying to better myself and provide her with all that she needed. I had great supports from other agencies, and I learned that CAS was also a very significant part of my support which ultimately lead to my success at parenting my child.

My message to women who have CAS involvement is to fight your feelings of negativity. Your CAS worker is not your enemy, and when you can begin to see them as a support and work with them instead of against them, you can accomplish so much more. They are not paid, nor mandated to unjustly take children away; they work to keep families together. Resistance and anger will not help any situation. Understanding that they are there to help you and your child, and that they want to see you succeed, may be hard to believe but it is true. This much, I have learned.

Feature

101 ways to praise your child Written by: Unknown

1. Wow 2. Way to go 3. Super 4. You’re special 5. Outstanding 6. Excellent 7. Great 8. Good 9. Neat 10. Well done 11. Remarkable 12. I knew you could do it 13. I’m proud of you 14. Fantastic 15. Superstar 16. Nice work 17. Looking good 18. You’re on top of it 19. Beautiful 20. Now you’re flying 21. You’re catching on 22. Now you’ve got it 23. You’re incredible 24. You’re fantastic 25. Hooray for you 26. You’re on target 27. You’re on your way 28. How nice 29. How smart 30. Good job 31. That’s incredible 32. Hot dog 33. Dynamite 34. You’re beautiful

35. Grand slam 36. You’re unique 37. Nothing can stop you now 38. Good for you 39. I like you 40. You’re darling 41. You’re a winner 42. Remarkable job 43. Beautiful work 44. Spectacular 45. You’re so precious 46. Great discovery 47. You’re spectacular 48. You’ve discovered the secret 49. You’ve figured it out 50. Fantastic job 51. Hip hip hooray 52. Bingo 53. Magnificent 54. Marvelous 55. Terrific 56. You’re important 57. Phenomenal 58. You’re sensational 59. Super work 60. Creative job 61. Super job 62. What a terrific job 63. Exceptional performance 64. You’re a real trooper 65. You are so responsible 66. You are exciting 67. You learn it 68. What an imagination

69. What a good listener 70. You are fun 71. You’re growing up 72. You tried hard 73. You’re very caring 74. Beautiful sharing 75. Outstanding performance 76. You’re a good friend 77. I’m love you soooo much 78. I trust you 79. You’re so special to me 80. You belong 81. You’ve got a friend 82. You make me laugh 83. You brighten my day 84. I respect you 85. You mean the world to me 86. That’s correct 87. You’re a joy 88. You’re a treasure 89. You’re wonderful 90. You’re perfect 91. Awesome 92. A+ job 93. You’re A-Okay 94. My buddy 95. You made my day 96. That’s the best 97. Super 98. A big hug 99. A big kiss 100. I’ve never been so proud 101. I love you

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

31

Words & Wisdom From There To Here... with Elisha Wilmot Written by Michelle Vogn (first published Spring 2003)

Where did your journey as a successful teen mother begin?

It all started when I was a 16 and attending an all girls Catholic Secondary School. I missed my period.

What happened during labour?

First, my mucus plug came out. I called my doctor who said “so what.” He was very unsupportive. He had a very stereotypical view of me. Hours later I had horrible back pain. My mother asked me what was wrong and called the doctor. The doctor said I was in labour. My sister was too nervous to drive me so we called the ambulance. As soon as they arrived, the paramedic asked me if the man pacing back and forth was the father, smiling, I said yes.

The funny thing was that when I was in labour they did not let me do any of the things taught in prenatal classes. I wasn’t dilating, so they induced me.

Unfortunately, they didn’t tell me what was going on. They were too busy What did you think it was at first? teaching student doctors and showing everyone my vagina. I just laid there I told my boyfriend. Then like any smart 16-year-old, I went to the docthinking. The first thing that came into my head was that my baby had melted tor not knowing I would leave kicking myself. I told my doctor I was into liquid at that very moment. Soon the pain became unbearable. I was getting sick midday, He told me “it sounds like Mono, a kissing disease.” acting so rambunctious, I was scaring the other people in the hospital. Finally they gave me a separate room and an epidural. After the nurse told everyone From his office I went to a birth control centre, they told me “You’re to shut up, I went to sleep. pregnant, two month to be exact!”

Just then my doctor called, he wanted to talk to me about his results.

Now I’m thinking, I’m pregnant and I’ve got some disease. When I got to the doctor’s office, my doctor said, “You don’t have Mono. It’s a lot more than a mere kissing disease, you’re pregnant!” The problem was that he was my family doctor. Fortunately he didn’t say anything to my parents.

Who did you tell?

I didn’t tell anyone at first. I was going to school and wasn’t showing.

The only person who knew was my boyfriend. I remember him asking me, “What scares you most about being pregnant?” I answered “My parents.” He told me, “Your parents shouldn’t be a reason not to have a baby.” We agreed to have the child. The first person we told was his father. We came to him together telling him we had to talk. He said “Let me guess.” First he wanted to talk alone with his son asking the usual ‘are you sure it’s yours?’ and ‘do you want to be with her?’ The real test would be telling my family.

Since my father was out of town on a trip I thought this would be a perfect time to break it to my mother and my big sister. She’s couldn’t believe I’d do something like this – before her. My father was overseas and when he came back I had two choices, keep the baby and stop seeing my man or get rid of it. Actually, I had three choices, I could also leave.

Obviously you kept your child. Did you stay or leave?

Like any girl in love, I was out of there. This was a very sad time for me. I was living with my man’s father who was an alcoholic, going from strict religion to barely any, it was a big change. I got tired of living with an angry alcoholic and moved into my man’s mother’s house – which worked for three days. While I was there I received a call from my sister, whom I hadn’t spoke to for seven months. She asked if I needed anything. I told her I needed a sweater. Shortly after seven months of not talking, we talked. My mother told me to come back home and my boyfriend was more than welcome to visit. I moved back to my parents’ house.

What was it like being at your parents’ house again?

It was like nothing had changed. Near the end of my pregnancy my family became excited and involved.

What did you do about your education at that time?

I was completing correspondence courses for grades 11 and 12, which was very hard. French was the hardest. I would practice with my sister and she would ask me what language I was speaking.

32

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

Eventually I took part in a government employment program and got a job at a daycare. Then I was forced to go to college (I didn’t think I had the brains) but I lasted four years and came out with my Bachelor of Child and Youth Work.

How did you manage school with a new baby?

It wasn’t easy! My man worked in the day while I worked at night. My son was looked after by a baby sitter.

You’ve been ‘there’ and where are you now?

Today I am the proud supervisor of the Massy Center Early Learning Center a place that helps out girls who are also in the situation I was. I’ve had jobs in between. But this is the job I think makes the most difference. And despite my past situation I’m where I want to be today.

Resources Emergency Contraceptive Pill

A.K.A

The Morning After Pill Emergency contraception is a birth control method used after sex. If your condom broke, or you didn’t use anything, or if you were sexually assaulted, this is a good contraception to use.

ECP or Emergency Contraceptive Pills formerly known as the Morning After Pill.

You can take these pills up to 72 hours– that’s three days– after unprotected sex.

You take the first dose as soon as possible and the second one 12 hours later.

Some woman feel nauseated after taking the pills and others nothing at all.

You can get it from a sexual health clinic, a doctor’s walk-in clinic, community health centre Or If you don’t have a health plan card, you can buy it from the Bay Centre for Birth Control for $15 dollars.

Want Free Condoms?

Bay Centre for Birth Control

790 Bay St. 8th Floor (Bay & Dundas W) (416) 351-3725

Anne Johnston Health Station

2398 Yonge St. (Yonge & Eglinton) (416) 486-8666

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health 33 Russell St. (Spadina & College) (416) 535-8501 Ext. 6591

Hassle Free Clinic

66 Gerrard St. E (Church & Gerrard) Men call: (416) 922-0603 Women call: (416) 922-0566

Jessie’s Centre for Teenagers

205 Parliament St. (Queen E & Parliament) (18 years and under) (416) 365-1888

Syme-Woolner Neighbourhood and Family Centre 2468 Eglinton Ave. W (416) 766-4634 ext. 223

Not to mention community centres!

Winter Word Search YO’ MAMA CONTEST! Here’s a 22 word-a-thon for you to figure out. For added difficulty, complete within five minutes.

When you’ve completed it, mail or fax in your completed copy for a chance to win a set of V.C. Andrews books!

CENT CENTAVO CENTIME CROWN DINAR DINERO DOLLAR DRACHMA EURO FARTHING FRANC

GUILDER

KUPECK

KRONE

LIRA

MARK

PESO

POUND

RUBLE

RUPEE SCHILLING SEN

X N E Q N G T F R A N C E B W Y D N I X P F C R O W N I D O E O O O T P T G W M I V N S R N R R D O L L A R L V DX N U N E K A K M G N I L L I H S E U D K O P E C K I E Z K U D P I L P N E P Q Y L O S Q N P X K I P X E F R B B V R U P M S F U H G P Z U A O V O D R S N A G H NU R M T M P Q A R I L T R U L E E O D D E C G S E V H E N L MT H J N I C A D E A I N T I I NN T B C N Z R X P N I A H WE A U E S W A N D Z G DG C S V L N F F R E R R Y Y V J S O H E M I T N E C A S I M F M I T R I A W M A R K M Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

33

Words & Wisdom

Mama Written by: Hermina Campbell (first published Spring 2006) Mama,….

Maaammmaaaaaahh??!!

Mama?

Yes baby?

How come I can’t have candy right now?

Because you ‘bout to have your dinner.

Mama?

Yes darling?

How come I gotta eat vegetables, yuck?

To make u big and strong!

Mama?

Yeah…

Why do I have to take a bath?

U wanna be clean don’t chu?

Mama?

Yes sweetheart?

How come I gotta go to bed?

Cus u got to get up early baby.

Mama?

Yes lovebug?

How come the kids in the commercials get to stay up late? .*chuckle*.because they are robots….and ain’t got nowhere t’go.

Mama?...MAMA?....

MMMAAAAMAAAAHH!?

WHAT?!

Why do I gotta do all these things EVERYDAY?? ….CUS YOU HAVE TO…..cus you have to…and because you’re my princess and I love you!...

Mama?

Yes sugar?

When I grow up, imma make sure you don’t have any candy before dinner, make sure you eat all your vegetables, take bubble baths, 34

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

wake up early and remind you ‘bout the robots in the commercials who don’t got nowhere t’go…and u gotta do it everyday…you know why mama?

No, why baby?

Cus you’re my princess and I love you!

Goodnight mama Goodnight sweety……

I Envy You… Written by: Lindsay Kretschmer (first published Fall 2004) I envy you, Though it hurts my pride, My longing for yours Burns me inside.

In contrast to me you have everything.

Me? I am getting by, Though the silent tears I cry Don’t fall from my eyes.

They fall from those of which Are the depths of my heart and soul.

A place you’ll never come to know.

You are whole.

I am empty.

You and yours I can’t be.

Though I long to be you relentlessly.

I torture myself mentally.

A puzzle I am with pieces missing.

All the while I never stop wishing That it were me not you In that house with that pool, With that car and that money.

It almost seems funny, Comical not logical.

Material things bring brief pleasure

For beyond all of that you have a greater treasure.

You have something I want so bad It tears me apart.

You have time The essence of which sets you and I apart From my heart.

All I have –my baby, my reason for my existence Yet it comes to you so easy there is no resistance.

I battle my own metal war While wanting what I can’t have My baby girl with me My other puzzle half.

See, if I could I would not work at all.

Instead I’d be there for her when she calls.

When she says my name I can no longer hear her.

I can’t even get close I can’t even get near her.

Time continues to pass so much time I can’t replace, As I try to see her ever changing face.

You with your fancy stroller, pressed clothes and smart shoesDo you even know how much time there is to loose?

How hard it is to choose?

Never have you been forced to decide, Work or your child, And you wonder why I watch you with envy in my eyes.

Words & Wisdom

To My Life, My World, My Blessing Written by: Victoria Grant (first published Summer 2005) This one is dedicated to my son Javon, a beautiful boy.

When I think about you I’m filled with so much joy.

It fills up my heart and makes me feel as if it would bust.

You have proven to me that you can never love too much.

I didn’t know I could love another so immensely.

I was selfish, self-centered, and didn’t know I was capable of loving so intensely.

But then you came along and you proved me wrong, I am capable, brings tears to my eyes like a beautiful song.

You’re so small yet smart, and it gives me great satisfaction to know, I’m responsible for moulding you, shaping you, and helping you grow.

I must be permissive yet strict, set guidelines and rules, Teach and guide you pass on certain values: Don’t ever feel you are too small or insignificant You are a strong black male, have pride and confidence.

Impatience is frowned upon always think

before you speak.

Don’t let anyone fool you; show your emotions, you can never be considered weak.

The world is yours for the taking, set your goals up high.

Handle as much as you can handle, be brave, and reach for the sky.

Give each and everything you do one hundred and ten percent, Real men handle their business, keep their word, and come correct.

Don’t ever put your hands on another out of anger and frustration, Always maintain your composure, education is key; give that your full concentration.

Do remember it doesn’t matter what you do, As long as you work hard, try your best, I will always be proud of you.

Life is full of obstacles and roadblocks , yes indeed.

I’m telling you perseverance is the key to succeed.

Things will not always go your way; times may get hard and difficult.

I will always be with you, go forward do not act whimsical.

If push comes to shove and it seems like there is no outlet for survival, If you can’t come to me you can always rely on the bible.

As for your life partner, she is your equal; you do not treat her as some other.

You treat her WITH THE SAME love and

respect as you would your mother.

A word that will not be used in your vocabulary is “lazy”.

Do not go out there producing random babies.

You will have children when you are financially able, You have someone to assist you, you’re secure, and your whole lifestyle is stable.

I’m only telling you this because I know that it’s best for you.

I do not want to see you struggle as much as I had to do.

You are my husband, my man, you are my best friend.

If death should do us part our bond will never come to an end.

And if one-day death should do us part.

I would only hope that you would forever keep me in your heart.

Fill your heart of love and rid it of hate I personally know you are destined to be great.

You mean more to me than life itself, You mean more to me than all the power, jewellery, riches, and wealth.

Take this with you forever, and remember it’s true.

Take these words to heart Javon, I LOVE YOU!!

Yo’ Mama Winter 2007

35

ISSN 1712-2643