BEFORE YOU GO
RETAIL RANDOMS
NIPPED IN THE Famed for its palm-lined beaches and coral reefs, the tropical paradise of Fiji is not without its share of retail crime. On Saturday, for example, police were called to a supermarket in the town of Nasinu, after reports of a man prowling around inside it and helping himself to stock. They’d received a call from the store’s manager, who was inexplicably watching the villain’s progress on a live CCTV feed at the ungodly hour of 5am. Hip to the likelihood of in-store surveillance, the burglar had taken the somewhat unconventional countermeasure of concealing his identity with a rather fetching yellow-and-blue golf umbrella. Given Fiji’s high humidity, he likely thought this preferable to sweating buckets under a Ronald Reagan rubber
LIDL
POT. LIDL. BLACK. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Tell that to Lidl, which is taking Tesco to court for ripping off its logo, claiming Tesco’s ‘Clubcard Prices’ graphic infringes its trademark.
BUDD
mask like Patrick Swayze’s bank-robbing character in Point Break. It probably explains his lack of footwear too. However, unlike 1980s middle-distance athlete Zola Budd, who could cover 800m in two minutes sans trainers,
TESCO
This from the knock-off master that brought us ‘Danpak’ butter, ‘Neo’ cookies and Wholegrain Wheat ‘Bixies’. If only Lidl made an own-brand metal polish, it could it use to shine up its extremely brass neck. Given that blue and yellow are complementary colours (they’d
the hapless burglar could only run into the arms of waiting cops. A police spokesperson said the case against the shoeless umbrella bandit was “open and shut”. They didn’t – that was a barefoot lie.
NICE DAY
probably make for a rather fetching golf umbrella), and a circle is the oldest geometric shape in the universe, it’s a more than a bit cheeky to claim exclusive dibs on chucking them all together. No doubt Lidl will try to sue the weather the next time the sun comes out.
WEDNESDAY 15TH JUNE 2022/ ISSUE 109 / SLRMAG.CO.UK I 29
