ISSUE 64, 2018
MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING
• Anxiety and Art • Coping with Bereavement • Thoughts on Nervous Illness • Local Artwork in Haringey • Interview: Bereavement and ‘Presences’
What Equilibrium means to me‌. Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion 2008
WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list and get the magazine four times a year (no spam!) please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium). Equilibrium is devised, created, and produced entirely by team members with experience of the mental health system. Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved 2011.
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I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together and we were made to feel very welcome. Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy. One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you. Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason is that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people, who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further. Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice. I have been with Equilibrium since 2007 and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoying writing articles, and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year. Angela
Front Cover credit: igorovsyannykov
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EDITORIAL Welcome to the 64th edition of Equilibrium Magazine. I hope that you have all entered 2018 with peaceful minds and full stomachs. This issue focuses largely on bereavement, i.e. what can happen when we lose someone close to us. Unlike previous editions, we have included an extended interview with Dr Jacqueline Hayes on the subject of ‘Experienced Continued Presence’. This is buttressed by a very poignant insight into how we may cope with the loss of a loved one. Our third contribution offers supportive words to those readers that might need comfort and encouragement. As always, I hope that you find these pieces both uplifting and illuminating. Namaste. Emily, Editor/Team Facilitator
DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by service users. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk.
THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Editorial team: Dev, Angela, Nigel, Richard, Richard.
CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 0208 489 4860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk.
CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos, plus articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.
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Summer/ Issue 38
INTERVIEW With Jacqueline Hayes and Zoe Shaughnessy
Jacqueline Hayes is a person-centred counsellor, lecturer and researcher at Roehampton University. In this interview with Equilibrium Magazine, Jacqueline and her colleague Zoe Shaughnessy discuss her current research on how people experience presences during periods of bereavement.
Emily: Jacqueline, can you describe your
there have been some controversies about
research in your own words? What were your
what these experiences mean. Are they
initial predictions?
hallucinations that are indicative of some
Jacqueline: The inspiration for this study
psychological problems, or are they normal
comes from research I did during my PhD, as
aspects of dealing with the fact that some-
well as other qualitative research in this area.
one extremely close to you has gone? There’s
As part of my PhD, I collected stories from
a polarity in the field about what this means.
people about their experiences of continued
Should we view them with suspicion in terms
presence. These included experiences of
of how the person is coping, or should we
voices, visions, a feeling of touch or a general
see that it can have a really positive function
feeling of presence which suggested that the
for some people? What I wanted to do was
deceased person was still with them. These
try and get at what individuals were going
were very personal narratives, and people
through at different stages of their grief, and I
told me some really interesting stories. This led
found a real range of consequences that this
to several different analyses. I looked at the
has had for people. We were trying to open
impact of what was happening, because
up the debate a little bit to show that this
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can sometimes be really helpful for people. For
determining which form they are taking, e.g.
example, one person told us about a voice that
voices, visions or feelings. We’re asking people
helped them solve a really practical problem of
whether it’s helpful or comforting for them, or
fixing a sink. The information that he heard came
whether it’s undermining. We’re trying to get
from the voice of his deceased grandmother. It
at some of the proportions of the people that
helped him figure out which pipe needed twist-
are experiencing these different types of pres-
ing! You get these everyday examples that are
ences, and we are hoping to get some more
really quite facilitative, where the knowledge of
general numbers on how many people in the UK
the deceased person becomes very important.
are currently being affected by this. We will be
It’s almost like having their knowledge or wisdom
recruiting people to fill out the survey very soon;
with you. There are times when the feeling of
we’re just going through the ethics process at the
presence can be so vivid that it actually magni-
moment.
fies grief, and we found this earlier on in bereave-
Some of the things that brought about this
ment. There was one woman who told us about
research project were questions that had come
her boyfriend that died, and she really felt him
out of the qualitative interview study. I spoke to a
next to her, holding her. This brought him back
colleague who had done some similar research,
so vividly, but she had to lose him again, which
and I had a hunch that the more hostile expe-
magnified and foregrounded her grief. We’ve
riences seemed to be associated more with
also spoken to people that report hearing voices
deceased parents, as opposed to other bonds,
that are undermining and hostile towards them,
e.g. partner or child bonds. I had a hunch that
perhaps because they had problematic relation-
there was a pattern there, but I hadn’t spoken
ships with the deceased. Those elements of hostil-
to enough people, so I was going for a more
ity and conflict can continue through the voice.
in-depth approach to ascertain whether this was
We were finding a range of consequences, and
a more widespread pattern or whether it was
it was too simplistic to say that it is a positive thing
only relevant to the people that I was seeing.
that we should celebrate or that it is something
I was also curious about whether these more
we should be concerned about, because it is
difficult or unwanted experiences were more
highly individual.
associated with hearing voices, for example,
Now we have a new programme of research,
hearing language that somehow insults you or
and it involves several elements. We are working
undermines you and whether that was lead-
on a wider social survey of how many bereaved
ing to more difficult consequences. It seemed
people are experiencing these presences and
from the qualitative research that these conse-
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quences, or the experiences that the person was
widespread these feelings of isolation and stig-
having, were dependent on the relationship with
matisation are in wider society.
the deceased and what that was like when the person was alive. Previous research has focused on people who have sought help for their experiences. This included sharing the fact that, during the grieving process, the person had come back to them and that was quite joyous for them, or it was very joyous in the moment, but then it made them miss the person even more. Some were experiencing these presences every day, and it was really difficult because it was interrupting what they wanted to do with their life, or the voice was putting them down when they were trying to do things. This piece of research showed that, when people brought these problems to professionals, the vast majority felt they received very unhelpful responses from them. They either felt dismissed or a little bit patronised, that the professionals didn’t believe them. This shows that we have a mismatch of how widespread this is in bereavement and the kind of issues it can bring up for people and the way in which we as professionals respond to that. One of the things we want to ask in the survey is whether people have sought support from professionals or whether they have spoken to other people in their life about them, or whether they felt they
Emily: Who will you be sending your survey to? Jacqueline: We’re going to have an online and a paper version of the survey. We were hoping to approach CRUSE, a nationwide charity that support people after bereavement, so we’re hoping to make links with them and use their email list. We’re going to send it out to all of our contacts, and we will also be using our Facebook page to reach people. We also want to reach people that are less likely to be online; another thing that Zoe will be doing is going into services that provide support for the elderly, so we’ll be liaising with places like AgeUK and local community centres in London and taking the paper version into them. That way we’ll reach a full adult demographic. Have I missed anything, Zoe? Zoe: As Jacqueline has already said, it’s UK wide. We’ll be able to deliver the paper surveys to people in London and it will also be available online, and we’ll using our Roehampton channels, e.g. our Facebook page, to cascade the information. It’s quite handy because we’ll have the link as well, so it will be easier for people to access it online and fill it in there.
had to keep it very private because they were
Emily: On a personal note, how did you feel
ashamed. We also want to find out what kind
when you heard that bereaved people were
of support they would find helpful, which would
being met with discouragement when they
allow us to dig a little deeper to determine how
sought support from mental health professionals?
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Jacqueline: To be honest with you, I wasn’t enor-
ety, this doesn’t have very good connotations.
mously surprised to see that piece of research,
This suggests that you’re experiencing a double
because, from what people were telling me
isolation, a double stigma, and hearing about
in the interviews, there were themes of isola-
these findings made me feel more mobilised to
tion and stigma. I think there were people from
do something. I come at this from an academic
certain cultural backgrounds that felt they could
perspective but also as someone who has had
share more with their family. For example, I think
personal experiences of these things as well,
there was one British Indian lady that indicated
and it felt good to be able to do something, to
that she could talk to her mother quite openly,
change something.
and there was another family that could talk
What I’ve found, and this is really encour-
to each other, but for many other people, and
aging, is that people are endlessly fascinated
particularly those that were experiencing the
by this topic, and people really want to know
more negative aspects of these presences, they
about it. We’ve got this strange paradox where
found it very difficult to seek support. Part of the
it’s something people are fascinated by, and a
fear was that they were worried that they were
huge percentage of bereaved people have had
going to be put on medication or have their
these experiences. Yet, people who are in the
medication increased when they were trying to
midst of their bereavement feel unable to speak
lower the dosage, so that was one of the reasons
about it with others. I find the public interest in
why people kept it private. I wasn’t enormously
the topic really encouraging, because I think it’s
surprised, because of what people had been
about opening minds, and I think when people
telling me, but it was another call to action. I
start to hear other people’s stories, they will
think there’s a double stigma for these people;
realise that these are everyday people that are
there’s the stigma of death, bereavement and
experiencing this. I think it does reduce stigma,
grief, and one of the things we’re trying to find
and I think it does reduce the judgements that
out in the survey is how widespread these feel-
people sometimes have. I think it’s also a way of
ings are. Many people don’t know what to say
opening up a different attitude to people that
to bereaved people, and, as a society, we
are hearing voices or hallucinations in other situa-
need this to be much less of a taboo, because
tions that are not related to bereavement, which
people are already suffering, and it increases
is also a deeply stigmatising experience as well.
their isolation, alienation and confusion. If you’re
There’s a lot we can do by talking to them and
experiencing the turbulence of grief and nega-
helping them work out what the meaning of this
tive voices, for example, we know that, in soci-
is for them.
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Emily: What brought about your interest in this
situation, and I was handing out a lot of medi-
subject in the first place? Was there anything
cation every day. Part of my role as a support
in particular that prompted you to pursue this
worker was to pop out all the little coloured pills
research for your PhD? Was it a professional/
for everybody in the mornings and evenings, and
academic interest, or was it something more
I found it quite extraordinary to see how much
personal to you?
medication people were on. For instance, if
Jacqueline: There is a personal element to it, and
someone was hearing voices, they would be on
there’s also a wider element that’s about clients
medication for that, and then they would take
I’ve worked with, and it’s about injustices and
medication to deal with the particular side effect
unnecessary suffering that I’ve seen. There are
of the medication that’s targeting the voices.
different elements to it. I was working in mental
There would also be medication to deal with the
health services in my early twenties and work-
side effect drugs. They might have diabetes or
ing in a supportive housing environment. Most of
high blood pressure, which is probably caused
those women had been in long-term psychiatric
by the medication they are on and the inactive
situations; some of them had been in asylums
lifestyle they have, so they have to take medica-
for a couple of decades before the asylums
tion for that. And so it goes on, and some people
were closed, and they were so institutionalised
were on nine or ten tablets, morning and even-
because they had not had their own independ-
ing, and I was seeing the effects of these side
ence. This meant they needed to be looked after
effects. People who are working in that situa-
twenty-four hours a day in the house. However,
tion, e.g. carers and support workers, especially
they had the freedom to go to the shop and visit
during cuts, are in very demanding and honour-
friends, which was an element of freedom that
able jobs, particularly if it’s long-term. I was doing
they did not really have before.
it for about two and a half years, and it was
Some of the people I worked with had diag-
really tricky sometimes, but it was also an amaz-
noses of schizophrenia and had gone through
ing opportunity to get to know the people that
regular ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) and
you’re looking after, and people start telling you
had been on high doses of antipsychotic and
their stories about what happened to them. For
tranquilising drugs for decades. Others had one
example, you may have experienced domestic
or two episodes of being hospitalised in more
violence throughout your whole life, and now
modern-day psychiatric services. They were then
you’ve been told you’ve got this illness called
discharged but were seen as not ready to go
‘bipolar disorder’, and you’re on this medication,
back into society fully. So I was working in that
and your health is really suffering, and no one
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is talking to you about the fact that you have
disentangle after some time, the effects of treat-
this huge amount of trauma caused by huge
ment can have what we would call ‘iatrogenic’
traumatic episodes, with dents in your head and
effects, which can, at times, increase suffering.
scars all over your body. This was being dealt with
So I thought there must be more that can
through medication, not through talking, sense-
be done psychologically and through talking
making, emotional processing or sharing the
therapies that would have fewer permanent side
horror of what has happened to these people.
effects. Therapies have a pretty good success
There is something very self-fulfilling about this
rate in general, so if we’re finding that these ther-
system. You’re told you have a psychotic illness
apies are not achieving that success rate with
and that people don’t recover from psychosis,
some people, then maybe we need to change
and that becomes very self-fulfilling, which was
and develop them, and there are lots of other
very striking to see first-hand.
people out there trying to do this. The client who
I remember one person, a refugee, had
was a refugee said that she was hearing a voice
heard a new voice but was trying to get her
that said, “You’ll never go back home,” which, to
medication lowered because her periods had
me, had a very clear meaning. There was a very
completely stopped for about two years, and
emotional process going on there related to the
she was in her early twenties and wanted chil-
fact that she had to leave everything behind.
dren at some point. She was sleepy all the time
She was divorced and was disassociated from
and gaining weight, and there could have been
everything she knew. Rather than giving her a
lots of causes for that, but when you look through
regular place to talk about that, her medication
the medication leaflet those are among the side
was put back up again. Her keyworker told the
effects. Somehow I feel we’ve lost the balance
psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist put the medica-
between the benefits and side effects. I think
tion dose back up. This was against the client’s
the evidence for long-term use of these drugs
wishes, but she was on the section, so it becomes
is a lot poorer than for short-term use, and most
difficult in terms of choice in that sort of situa-
people end up on it long-term because they’re
tion. I think it was seeing these missed opportuni-
told they need it long-term, and if they come off
ties and feeling there was so much unnecessary
it they will relapse, which is almost always fulfilled.
suffering going on that made me think, “Come
Whether it’s fulfilled because their biology and
on, can we do it better than this?” So one of the
neurology have adapted to having this chemical
things I wanted to do was find out a bit more.
substance inside them or whether it’s due to an underlying pathology that makes it impossible to
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People’s voices, which are called ‘verbal hallucinations’ within the system, are seen as
Summer/ Issue 38
symptoms of an underlying pathology or disorder.
I was lucky enough to talk to Ivan about those,
They seem to have these clear links with what
because I knew he wouldn’t be scared. I also
has happened to people in their lives. It seems
know that going to therapy and talking about it,
so clear and simple. There’s been some really
and being free to talk about it, actually helped
interesting research that looks at voices in terms
me to work that out and decipher what it meant.
of people’s biographies, but there’s still much
I think that it’s an area that also says a lot about
more that needs doing in this area. I spoke to
who we are as people, how separate we are
someone that had been my professor during my
from other people, and when you start looking at
degree, and he said why don’t you come back
the grief voices, those links become even more
and do some more research with me on hearing
apparent. These intersections between ourselves
voices. His name is Professor Ivan Leuder, and he
and other people are talked about by develop-
and a psychiatrist called Phil Thomas had writ-
mental psychologists; people like Vygotsky talked
ten a book on it called Voices of Reason, Voices
about how the child internalises the speech of
of Insanity. Part of this looked at the meaning of
others into their own inner speech, and this is
voices and how that meaning has changed over
how children start to regulate their own activity
time and in different societies; they have a chap-
and form their own sense of self. There are lots of
ter on Socrates, for example, that looks at the
theories out there from different areas of psychol-
meaning of what he would call his ‘demon’. It’s
ogy, social psychology and sociology that really
kind of a sketch of the history of voices, but it also
point towards the importance of others and the
looks at how voices are presented in the main-
other in the self, and yet, when we treat prob-
stream media now. They interviewed people
lems, we treat them as very individual matters
who were hearing voices about what the voices
and as something that’s pathological, and I
were like, what language was used, what that
think we miss the point when we do that; there’s
language meant and how it related to people’s
something much more relational about these
biographies and histories. And so that was really
problems. It’s always to do with relationships with
part of the inspiration as well.
others at some level.
On a personal level, I’d had occasional expe-
As well as the survey, we’re working with other
riences of hearing voices, but there were times in
researchers like Pablo Sabucedo, Chris Evans,
my life when it was actually quite useful informa-
Anastasios Gaitanidis and other researchers at
tion, and actually being scared of it could have
the Centre for Research in Social and Psycho-
closed down that information. It was telling me
logical Transformation. We have a research
something about my situation at the time, and
clinic at Roehampton, where we try brand new
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therapies and recruit clients. The clients that we
mid-February.
see get free therapy and, in return, they take part in the research, which usually involves filling in a couple of forms and agreeing to the recording of sessions. So we’re starting a new project there. We’re investigating how we can help people who are experiencing the presence of the deceased person in an unwanted or unwelcome way and in a way they find distressing. The presence might be hostile or it might be because they’re seeing visions of a person who was ill towards the end of their life, and they’re seeing them in pain, which is hugely difficult. We don’t want to say that it’s a problem, but it is for some people, and we felt that the needs of those people were being missed. This is a minority of people, but it is a significant minority of people whose needs are not really being met, from what we can gather from research. For this project, we are trying to recruit those who are experiencing the presence of a loved one who has died or someone close to them who has died that is finding it unwelcome or distressing in some way. We’re offering person-centred relational therapy in the clinic, and we were just about to start recruiting our clients for that. Part of the research programme is the survey and part of it is the clinic study. At the moment, we’re also putting together a radio documentary with Ed Lawrenson for Radio 4’s Short Cuts, where we’re presenting people’s personal testimonies of their experiences of presence and grief. This will air in
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Emily: You talked about how these people often feel dismissed by mental health professionals. Do you think the results of the study will help equip mental health professionals with the right tools to help those that are experiencing these presences? Jacqueline: Yeah, I think we’re hoping to produce some basic guidance and training for health professionals, such as counsellors and therapists, but also other medical professionals like GPs and psychiatrists, so they feel better equipped when a client or a patient does go to them with this issue. It’s not about blaming these professionals, because there’s obviously a gap in their levels of training, knowledge or comfort. We’re hoping to provide more information about what we’ve found helps people within therapy and provide some methods for helping, just some very simple guidance. I suspect that, actually, giving people the very accepting, empathic space to discuss this is what’s needed and what’s missing, and I think it’s probably going to be something as simple and as human as that. I suspect we won’t need to use many fancy techniques, but we’ll see.
Emily: I was wondering how people have responded to the idea of this particular study? Jacqueline: I find that people are endlessly fascinated by this topic. When you tell people about
Summer/ Issue 38
it, they just want to know more. I think it has a
what’s going on for them and what they need in
personal resonance with some people. Psycho-
order to support people in this situation. I think we
therapists often say to me, “I had a client in the
could go down the route of exploring people’s
other day that was talking about this,” and it
experiences of hearing voices more generally
really does pop up quite a lot in therapy sessions.
and looking at their life experiences. There’s
So I’ve found that other professionals have been
been some great research on this in recent years,
very welcoming and embracing of the idea, and
and I think we can expand on that so that we’re
other people are passionately behind it as well.
reaching a better understanding of exactly how
It’s been very positive.
people are hearing voices, when it becomes a problem and when that meaning makes it prob-
Emily: Finally, do you think the results from this
lematic for some people. We know, for example,
particular study will influence further research?
from wider surveys of society that there are a lot
Jacqueline: Yes, we’re certainly hoping so! We’ve
of people that do hear a voice at some point in
got a PhD student working with us now who will
their life, but only a very small minority of those
hopefully be taking it forward into his own career.
people end up with a diagnosis or end up in
I see this research programme going on for
mental health services. In fact, 10% of the people
quite a few years. I think there’s a massive field
that do hear a voice actually receive some kind
of research questions that we need to answer.
of treatment or help for it, which suggests that
I think there are so many routes of enquiry that
there are lots of people out there that do not
we can see already, and this is something that
experience it as a problem. One really interesting
can generate a lot of new, different research
avenue of research concerns when this becomes
projects. So I see us building on this research
a problem and when it doesn’t, and if we can
programme that others have also contributed to
understand that better, then we can help people
for at least a decade. The survey project will be
in better ways when it does become a problem.
a fairly short project, and I’m really excited to see
We can enhance and build on the good prac-
what we’re going to find in terms of the patterns
tice that is already happening.
and trends. I suspect that will lead to in-depth research that would explore those patterns and trends further. For example, if we find patterns within the help-seeking or the responses from
If you would like to take part in this study, please contact Zoe Shaughnessy: Zoe.Shaughnessy@roehampton.ac.uk.
medical professionals, that could lead to more research with health professionals to find out
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Image: James Garden
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Summer/ Issue 38
Nervous Illness The following tips come from self-help books, professionals and are based on my own experiences. Ricky Writes
D
r Claire Weekes is, in my view, the author-
out of it!” She says that what she advocates is
ity on nervous illness, and her books Self-
simple but not easy. There is no such thing as
Help for Your Nerves and Essential Help for Your
Dr Weekes’s method; it is nature’s method.
Nerves are still available. Susan Jeffers’ book,
She hasn’t cured anyone; she has shown others
Feel the Fear and do it Anyway, is recom-
how to cure themselves.
mended. These books explain how the nervous system and its tricks work, and so, as you
These are some of her treatments and tech-
come to understand it, they take away your
niques:
bewilderment and help to remove the “fear of
• Face the situation or fear, and don’t run
fear”. Anxiety and the myriad of other ghastly
away
feelings are likely to become more manage-
• Accept the feelings; don’t fight and practise
able, less overwhelming and are more likely to
a relaxation technique
go quicker.
• Float over the feelings as best you can
Dr Weekes’s books contain a lot of repeti-
• Let more time pass; try to be patient.
tion, but she makes no apology for this. As she says, “You have repeated the wrong advice
If you have an anxiety attack or fear grips
enough times to get into the mess, so you need
you, try to let the feeling of fear and anxiety
to repeat the right advice enough times to get
happen without adding ‘second fear’ to it,
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 17
e.g. “Oh my goodness, it’s happening!”;
Cope with yourself, not a situation. Eye
“What if this doesn’t end!” etc. ‘First fear’
contact is very useful and important when
will always die down on its own after reach-
talking to, or in the company of, another
ing a peak if you do not add second fear
person or a group of people. Having this
to it, as this prolongs it. Recovery lies in the
pointed out, and by putting it into practice
places you fear; seek them out with utter
myself, has helped reduce the feeling of
acceptance. The only way out of fear is
depersonalisation and has encouraged
through it, which is, of course, the title of
reintegration, thereby making me feel
Susan Jeffers’ excellent book.
more like a part of humanity and a person.
Do not expect to get the hang of the
I have listed some more observations
suggestions straightaway. The important
from Dr Weekes. I find it so useful and
thing is to try to do them first. A thousand-
comforting to hear them and have them
mile walk starts with the first steps.
explained; you then don’t feel so alone.
The same applies to panic attacks. If you try to let them happen, they will not last as long and will become further apart. “Peace lies the other side of panic.” However, just when you think you’re cured,
“Well one day, ill the next. Fine one week, not the next.” “A difficult morning need not mean a difficult day.” “I know how possible it can seem on
one can come out of the blue and strike
Mondays and impossible on Tuesdays.
you bitterly. When you’ve got over the
Float past those impossible Tuesdays
shock of it, apply the same acceptance
until all those possible Mondays come
technique and the panic/anxiety will
along. I know how possible it can seem
subside.
on Mondays and impossible on Tuesdays.
Setbacks are to be expected and are
Strange how all those possible Mondays fail
part of recovery. If you are faced with a
to convince when one impossible Tuesday
sudden problem and mental shock hits
comes along.”
you, as soon as you realise it is shock, ride it.
“Unhook” your mind if necessary. You
When it has died down, you will be able to
are not your thoughts. You may be able to
deal with the problem, or what has caused
let unwanted thoughts out of your head
it, more effectively.
from time to time, but the best way to
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remember is to try too hard to forget.
Rule 2: When you can’t take one more step,
If you have an anxious thought, half-smile;
refer back to rule number 1!
it takes the edge off it. A full smile might be asking for too much. If you’re feeling anxious, try and work out what you’re actually feeling anxious about, and then you will be better able to tackle it. Exercise is extremely beneficial (I like swimming in particular). It doesn’t necessarily cure, but you should feel better afterwards. With a clearer head, you’re better able to tackle any problems you have. My coping mechanisms for stress, anxiety, tension, nervous illness etc., built up over the years, are: acceptance, relaxation, meditation, medication (I’m on olanzapine, which was originally on the market for schizophrenia but is now also prescribed for mood and anxiety – check with your doctor), faith, exercise, healthy diet (thanks,
Confidence with specific things comes from doing those things you think you cannot do. It comes from doing the difficult thing again and again, until it becomes an in-built part of oneself. The price one pays is doing the difficult thing, and you must expect a reaction. This will get less as you practise, as a result of doing it. Don’t wait for confidence to come before doing something difficult. It comes whilst doing it or afterwards. What you need first is to try and pluck up the courage to do it, despite the feeling of fear. Confidence earned by your own experience will never leave you completely. As Dr Weekes also says: “In the end, no way can bring confidence more effectively than
GP), keeping to a routine, going out, being
recovery from nervous illness, when it has
with people (even if I’m not interacting with
been coped with the right way.”
them), some occupation such as volun-
Failure is not finality; it has no legs to
tary work (incidentally, occupation in the
stand on, unless you give it yours. The great-
company of others is also another very
est failure is the failure to make the effort.
useful major crutch), eye contact and talk-
The only people who never fail are those
ing. Not everything all at once!
who never try. Or as Churchill said: “If you’re going
Two rules for winning:
through hell, keep going!”
Rule 1: Take one more step
Good luck!
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Dealing with Short-Term
BEREAVEMENT Dev Chatterjea
D
ealing with the passing of a family
This is then followed by panic and possi-
member who is close to you, or
ble crying. It takes a long time for the
that you look up to, can be very trau-
original shock to reduce; it may take a
matic to say the least. Hearing the shock-
few days. To put it in a nutshell, there will
ing news can cause a wide range of
be uncontrollable feelings. For instance,
feelings such as horror, panic and confu-
anger (“Why did you leave me?”); frus-
sion. It can give you the shivers or force
tration (“What do I do now?” “What’s
you to consider what to do next, etc.
next?”); guilt (“Why didn’t I look after
It’s a massive jolt to the system. A close
him more?” “Why didn’t I see him more
friend once told me it’s like a thousand-
often?”).
volt electric shock hitting you in one go.
People deal with grief in different
At first, the brain does not know what to
ways. Grieving can become a lot more
do with the news and may not accept it.
devastating when you have mental
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EQUILIBRIUM 21
health issues. The feelings are more
someone to listen and/or comfort you.
heightened and more difficult to
It will be difficult to come to terms with
handle. In the worst-case scenario, it
their passing, and it will feel as if there
could cause a person to lose contact
is a massive gap in your life. In time,
with the real world; they may experi-
you may want to find ways of filling
ence denial, believing that the death
that gap. You may want to take up
of their loved one has not happened.
new hobbies such as art, sports, walk-
In some cases, a person may think that
ing, going to events, socialising. This will
he or she is in contact with the dead
help you with filling the void that the
person’s spirit. A possible sign of this is
person has left.
when the person starts to talk to the
Saying this, grieving is a natural
deceased as if they are with them.
process and can vary from person to
They may try to deny their death franti-
person. There are people who don’t
cally.
show what they are going through, and
If you know someone who is experiencing this or if you are having difficulties coping with the grief, then
some people find other ways to grieve. There is no textbook way of grieving. Memories of the person, good or
maybe you should consider speaking
bad, will come to you. Not being able
to a friend, work colleague or even
to deal with these memories, and the
your doctor. You may be surprised by
fact that the person is not physically
what sort of support you can get. This
there, can be traumatic. At first, it may
is when you need support from friends,
be unbearable to even think about the
co-workers, family and other people
person; this could mean the shock of
you trust. What you need most is for
their death has still not faded. You may
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Summer/ Issue 38
want to lash out angrily, or, in extreme
about the deceased, a wide range of
cases, you may flow in and out of
extreme feelings reappear. Imagine
psychotic episodes.
the shocking feelings you had when
For those who don’t have ‘mental
you first heard about their death, reap-
health problems’, it is several thou-
pearing when you think of that person
sand times worse than you might think.
or see photos of them. In some cases,
It may cause your condition to get
this can cause psychotic episodes. I
worse, and you may think that your
would say that if you suspect you may
current medication dosage is not
be experiencing this, or know some-
working. When you don’t have mental
one else who is, you should consider
health problems, you have ways of
seeking medical or psychological
knowing when the memory is not real,
support.
and when you are just thinking of the
Sometimes when you are griev-
person and what they used to do.
ing, you don’t know what to do with
Dealing with that memory may still
yourself, especially in the following few
be painful, but you may find different
months after their death. There is the
ways of controlling it. But for a person
matter of dealing with their day-to-day
with mental health problems, the abil-
affairs and what they have left behind.
ity to control that thought might not
This may be trickier if you lived with the
be there. Putting it in simple terms,
person. On a personal note, when I
the person with mental health issues
came back after my father’s funeral
may not know how to deal with the
abroad, I found it very difficult to deal
thoughts or what to do with them.
with him not being there. The follow-
Each time he or she has a thought
ing two months were full of empti-
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EQUILIBRIUM 23
ness. I would always expect him to walk
can be traumatic, even more so when
out and do something funny. I would
you have mental health problems. This
desperately wish he was still around.
is mainly because you have minimal
Every day I would tell myself he is not
control over your thoughts and feelings.
coming back. It wasn’t until the third
George Orwell said: “They say that
week that both my mother and I real-
time heals all things!” In short, grieving
ised that we had to deal with his affairs:
takes time to heal. Mental health issues
banks, pensions, telling friends, photo-
or not, it is likely you will slowly want to
copying the death certificate, mailing
go back to your usual routine. If needed,
information to all the required places,
maybe you could take up some
etc. The next thing was dealing with all
bereavement counselling. This is some-
the things he had accumulated. Each
thing that will take time. You will always
thing would bring up a good and a bad
have memories of that person.
memory of my father. There were also times when we would forget that he was no longer around. We would talk about
There are two comforting thoughts I would recommend keeping in mind
him as if the last few weeks and months
1. They are always watching over you.
had not happened. It was obvious that
2. Think of what they would say to you
both of us were missing him a lot.
when you have done something.
I would say the worst point was when I had to take his last remaining clothes
Think of all the good things they have
to the charity shop. Saying that, the
done and how much they loved you.
saddest thing about grieving is that all
As my friend once said, a person never
you have left are their memories and a
dies. He or she continues to live in you,
few possessions that you have kept as
and each time you think or speak of
a memory of that person. Yes, grieving
them, they are with you.
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Local graffiti art in Haringey...
Parkland Walk, Crouch End
Wood Green
Tiverton Primary School
Carlingford Road, Turnpike Lane
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