Equlibrium Magazine for Wellbeing

ISSUE 66, 2018

• • • • • • •

What Defines a Successful Life?

Urban Artist & Mental Health Rising to the Challenge The Day of Turmoil #IfYouCouldSeeMe Project Wellbeing News Poetry

MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING

Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion, 2008.

What Equilibrium means to me‌.

WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list to get the magazine four times a year (no spam!), please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium).

Equilibrium is devised, created and produced by . students with experience of the mental health system.

Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved, 2011.

Graphic Design: Anthony J. Parke

I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together and we were made to feel very welcome.

Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy.

One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you.

Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further.

Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice.

I have been with Equilibrium since 2007 and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoyed writing articles, and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year.

Angela

EQUILIBRIUM 2

EDITORIAL Welcome to the latest issue of Equilibrium Magazine. I hope you are all feeling relaxed after a beautiful summer. As always, we have a wonderful variety of different contributions, two of which focus on the theme of travel: Dev’s suspenseful and affecting account of his journey through the streets of Calcutta, and Ricky’s heart-warming and enthusiastic discussion on the North Yorkshire Moors Railway. We are also delighted to have two new writers on board: Angela McCrimmon, whose striking poetry captures the darkness and desperation that can underpin mental ill-health, and Erin Mahone, a mental health advocate on a mission to reduce the negativity associated with a cause that’s close to her heart. I hope you enjoy reading the work of our wonderfully dedicated writers. Creativity is truly Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Namaste.

Emily, Editor

DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by students. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Any material that has been reprinted is, as far as we know, in the public domain. If you have any concerns about anything printed within Equilibrium, please contact the team via the email below.

Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk

THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Students: Dev, Nigel, Richard.

CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 0208 489 4860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk.

CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos and articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.

EQUILIBRIUM

3

Image: The Guardian

Marvin Sordell

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 4

Summer/ Issue 38

Mental Health News Anthony Macina

Footballer Marvin Sordell uses writing to cope with mental health struggles.

Professional footballer Marvin Sordell has spoken with the Guardian about his mental health struggles and how writing poetry has given him an outlet to express his emotions.

The athlete and author has opened up about his struggles with depression,

Davidson revealing she plans to take five months of maternity leave after the birth of her second child, showing politicians can behave like normal human beings.

Article available through the Times, behind a paywall, but summarised by the BBC here.

attempted suicide and the racist abuse he

Symptoms of mental health disorders for

has suffered in the beautiful game.

one in three freshers.

Full interview available here.

Conservative politician rules out leadership bid for the sake of her mental health.

The Scottish Conservative leader, Ruth Davidson, has opened up to the Sunday Times about her history of self-harm and depression, explaining that she values her “mental health too much” to put herself forward for that role. She once described being Prime Minister as “the loneliest job in the world” when referring to David Cameron’s time in office. Her reluctance to leave Edinburgh is due to her pregnancy, with

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

The onset of school and university is a stressful time for many young people, compounded by pressures such as moving from home and financial struggles. So it’s no wonder a new study that’s part of a World Health Organisation initiative found such a high rate of symptoms of disorders among first year students. Depression, anxiety and substance abuse are all common, with a median onset of fourteen, meaning many students arrive with these symptoms.

Full article available here.

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 5

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 6

Summer/ Issue 38

#IfYouCouldSeeMe Project Erin Mahone

#IfYouCouldSeeMe is a multime-

conversations around mental health

dia storytelling project designed to

is essential if we ever expect to have

change the way we see ourselves

comprehensive, effective services

and one another. We are commit-

to help people recover. We have to

ted to spreading compassion and

speak out. #IfYouCouldSeeMe was

making change through art. People

only an idea, an intention, until these

don’t take the time to see each other. We make judgments, we attach labels, we assume, we often do not see. I believe in seeing, hearing, learning and being present with one another.

We believe in the power of Stories for Change. These art and storytelling events shine light into the darkness, help us all to see the humanity in ourselves and in others, and can be the place where big change begins. The normalisation of

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

brave people had the courage join me in bringing it to life.

In its most recent iteration, seven magnificent women shared their #IfYouCouldSeeMe stories of bipolar disorder, addiction, sexual trauma and depression. In the months leading up to the live event, participants meet one to two times per month to develop their performance pieces, build a group dynamic and have their portraits taken.

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 7

I live with anxiety and depression.

go to our parents, having faith that

During #IfYouCouldSeeMe events,

they will guide, support and nurture us

I address what that feels like in the

in our uncertainty.

mundane, everyday applications of

My great-grandmother was a

my life. Sometimes I sing. We speak

Ukrainian, Jewish immigrant, expelled

about our mental health diagnoses,

from her birth home for the crime of

sharing stories of triumph, disappoint-

existing as a Jew. When her young-

ment and perseverance. Our pictures

est child, a sweet, sensitive, sad-

hang from the walls, enormous post-

faced boy, approached her with his

ers (2 ft x 3 ft) showing every flaw and

concerns that something was not

wrinkle but also bringing to vivid life

right, she told him to keep his mouth

the magnificent, individual spark of

shut. I am certain that she said this out

each participant. Sadness, mania,

of fear and love, but a message was

aversion, irreverence, hope, kindness,

sent. She told him he was fine, and if

pensiveness are reflected through the

he kept saying things like this some-

eye of our magnificent photographer

one would lock him up. That was the

and co-conspirator, Dean Whitbeck.

end of the conversation.

This project is part of a journey

It would be nearly fifteen years

that began when I was thirteen. My

until he received a schizophrenia

grandmother told me that when my

diagnosis. His ultimate saviour, partner

grandfather was about my age he

and defender was my grandmother.

began to feel something was not

When he was diagnosed, members

right with his mental health. He had

of her family, and his, encouraged

no language for what he was expe-

her to institutionalise him, dissolve

riencing. It was the late 1930s, and

their marriage and move on. No one

he went to his mother because that’s

would blame her.

what we do when we are kids – we

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 8

She refused, and they spent forty-

Summer/ Issue 38

seven years taking care of each

healing, empowering and enlight-

other. “He didn’t deserve to be

ening experience of my life. My

put away like an animal,” she told

grandparents taught me that every-

me. My grandfather had this diag-

one deserves love, acceptance

nosis; sometimes he was unsure

and dignity. The #IfYouCouldSeeMe

of what was real, and sometimes

Project is my way of sharing with

he was abrasive, or just “weird”.

others the immense love they gave

We accepted these pieces of him

to me.

because he was also generous,

There is no end to the power

funny and loving. He was more

that comes with finding our voice

than just a “schizophrenic”. He

and embracing the pieces that we

was one of us. His life wasn’t insig-

all try to hide from the world. In this

nificant, because he had people

process, we reclaim our narrative

who loved him. Without him, none

and remind others that they are not

of us would be here. He was essen-

alone in their grief, struggle and feel-

tial. The people who wanted to put

ings of ‘otherness’. The worst thing

him away assumed that no one

that a person can feel in this life is

would ever be able to see beyond

invisible. To be seen is to be truly

the diagnosis. They implied that he

alive.

couldn’t be of value to the world.

They were wrong.

No one is disposable. Hearing my grandfather’s story was the begin-

Visit www.ifyoucouldseeme.com for more information.

ning of everything I will ever do that shines light into darkness. Learning to tell the story of my family and my own diagnoses has been the most

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 9

image: Sara G EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 10

Summer/ Issue 38

INTERVIEW

With Jules or ‘recording booth’, singing along to my B*Witched CD into a lamp! So, basically, singing out loud and my love for pop music made me want to get involved in music!

Can you remember your earliest image: Grace T

influences?

In terms of singing, I had a lot of pop influences, but my all-time favourite song is Kiss Me by Sixpence None the

I

n this interview, urban artist Jules talks to Equilibrium about her recent EP, her

experiences with mental ill-health and the magical power of art and music.

How long have you been interested in music? What made you want to get involved in music?

Richer. The lead singer’s vocals are so unique, and the lyrics are so innocent. I also really loved Kelly Clarkson and Pink!

Have they changed over time? If so, why might that be?

While I still love the artists I mentioned before, my influences have definitely changed over time, I think mainly

I’ve been interested in music from a

because of the phases I went through

very young age. I used to pretend I

growing up, at school and in university.

was the sixth member of the Spice Girls,

I went from pop music to garage (So

performing on top of my parents’ sofa

Solid Crew, Craig David and Mis-Teeq).

when I was a kid. I would turn every

When I was a teenager, I was banging

room in the family house into a stage

out rock and indie music - Paramore,

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 11

You Me at Six, Coldplay, Keane and

it’s unique. If I had to describe it, it’d

System of a Down were my favourites.

be experimental melodies and lyrical

Naturally, I also wanted to be in a

rhymes.

band! But as I turned eighteen and moved away for university, I had a

Can you talk about your EP? What

Japanese housemate, who introduced

inspired your lyrics? How long did it

me to Japanese hip-hop artists,

take to write the songs and produce

such as M-flo, Rip Slyme and Teriyaki

the album?

Boyz. Teriyaki Boyz have actually

The concept of the EP was to retell my

collaborated with some of my favourite personal journey with mental health; American rappers - Kanye West, Busta

I wanted it to be like a storybook,

Rhymes and Pharrell Williams! My

with each song being a chapter/

younger sister also introduced me to

stage/emotion of the journey. I keep

Korean pop music, and, through that,

a notebook with me, in case I want

I researched other genres such as

to write down what I’m feeling in that

hip-hop & R&B in Asia. I was naive at

precise moment, so some of the lyrics

the time, because I was really blown

came from that. Others were inspired

away when I saw individuals who

by various events that took place in my

represented my culture performing

life. I’ve had the idea for the EP since

those genres. At that point, I thought:

summer last year but didn’t work on it

“I want to try rapping, too!” I try

properly until October, all the way to

to incorporate all of these musical

March this year. The timing for writing

influences into my music now.

and producing varied; for example, Pink Skies was completed in two

How has your own music changed

sittings, whereas Bad Day took a bit

over time? How would you describe

longer.

your music at the moment?

My lyric writing structure hasn’t really

What are your experiences with mental

changed, but I find that the more I

health?

practise my delivery and flow, the freer

I have always suffered from having

my music becomes. I’d like to think

low confidence and anxiety. I used

my music is not predictable and that

humour against myself and gained a

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 12

Summer/ Issue 38

lot of weight due to this. However, as

which can help people understand

an adult, it became worse when I kept

what they’re going through or what

thinking constantly: “What if I was in a

mental health is. It’s very easy to think

better place? Wouldn’t I be happier

the world is against you when you

than I am now?” And it just manifested

feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, but

as deeper, darker thoughts. Those

charities like Mind are there to show

thoughts turned into horrible mood

you that that’s not true and that

swings, and then I would put this on a

somebody cares. I also wanted to

back burner, because my close friends

find a way to thank them, when I was

were going through horrible times.

making this EP.

When I realised that I was pushing away the people I loved, and it wasn’t

What advice would you give to

getting any better, I referred myself for

anyone that might be struggling with a

counselling at my local Mind centre.

mental health issue?

You’re not alone, and there are

Do you think it is important to combine

people out there who are willing to

mental health and the arts?

help and listen to you. Take your time

Absolutely! Art is creative. It’s a way

to look after yourself, know that you

to express yourself, and it can act

are just as important as anyone else

as a place you can escape to, or

and reach out to your family, friends

it can help get something off your

or charities such as Mind or Samaritans

chest. People with mental health

if you prefer to talk to someone in a

issues can sometimes find it hard to

neutral situation.

talk about how they feel, so turning to art, whether it’s music or drawing or writing, makes it easier for them to communicate.

Was it really important to involve a mental health charity in your work?

I think it’s important to showcase the fact that there are resources out there

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/7n8B UBIc22tfJrQ4XNBu5k?si=knylh4tWRsirYpOPa1j 2dQ

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/ take-care-of-yourself-ep/1355769400

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 13

Like Space Junk for Wishes Wendy Waters Author of Catch the Moon, Mary

W

hat defines a successful life?

identity? Are you a failure? Loser?

Love and that magically

Misfit?

designed ‘other’ who will complement,

Let’s take a hard look at the

if not complete, us? A home? Friends?

accoutrements of a successful life.

A job that doesn’t bore you stupid?

Meaning?

But what if you are one of those

JOB. A weekday ritual most people hate but stick with because they need the money for food, mortgage,

people who, like me, have no partner,

mindless distraction and romance. Even

a rented home, an incomplete circle

though most jobs are soulless, money-

of friends, no religion and no national

driven and boring, we stick with them

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 14

Summer/ Issue 38

because it’s what successful people do.

It’s about self-respect, right?

THE OTHER HALF. One day the scales

The world is drowning in clutter, and, in the search for meaning, we are forced to machete our way through

drop from our eyes, and we see our

a jungle of labels and a constriction

perfect other half in the unforgiving light

of rules. The towering edifices of facts

of reality. He/she is not, after all, Prince

in every area of life block the light at

Charming or Wonder Woman but a

the exit, literally and figuratively. We

mere mortal, fragile and broken like us,

garner and deflect so much information

not always nice and not as faithful as

that the act of living is clogged with

we’d hoped. But it’s better to be part of

intellectual excrement as useless as

an imperfect couple than alone, right?

space junk for wishes. Call me naïve,

RELIGION AND POLITICS. No matter how skilfully argued, religion and politics are not pillars upon which to build your

but I still wish on falling stars, and I feel duped if it’s just space junk!

Now, for those of us who have

faith. They are human constructs of

failed to achieve the mandated

labyrinthine negations calculated to

achievements in life – partner, home,

inhibit thought, navigation and impulse.

great job, money – it’s time to look

Drummed into us since birth are two

elsewhere for meaning.

supernatural addendums to our identity

Deciding that Earth was too slippery

– a difficult God and original sin. Even

a slope to find traction, I started looking

the date of our arrival tells us who we

to the stars for answers. No roadmap

are – Geminis, Leos, millennials, boomers

in the night sky. Only a few zodiac

– and the day of our departure, carved

appellations and cosmological theories.

in stone, seals our span. But our God

The truth is no one really knows what

is the only God and our country the

the stars are made of. Cosmologists

greatest, right?

can read their light and make some

What chance do we have of finding our own identity in all this appellative clutter?

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

clever guesses, but they don’t really know. So here is the perfect domain

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 15

for exploration. Nobody to tell you

delusional clutter of all the things we

in song, verse or scripture how you

think we know. To discover nothing

should receive the light of a star.

and forge a relationship with infinity,

Observing an unblemished

observe the stars and allow yourself

night sky, no city lights bleaching,

an identity free of addendums. You

I have a sense of myself in relation

may never be able to explain yourself

to silence. Whilst life on Earth seems

to anyone. You may decide you

stuck in never-ending loops of noisy

don’t need to. Group agreement

justifications of war, greed, poverty

has led to wars, cults, one-size-fits-all

and stultifying endeavour, the

politics and hand-me-down religions.

stars say nothing. NOTHING. And

It’s all second-hand rags by the time it

everything. Immersed in silence, I

dresses your identity.

hear my soul. In the space between

Tonight, or tomorrow if it’s cloudy,

impulse and action, resolve and

go outside and look at the stars. Feel

choice, there is potential. Suspended

the symbiotic connection to your own

in consciousness are the seeds

breath and let it map your soul.

of future worlds and lives. To feel

Forget the observable

reverence for the portrait of infinity in

accoutrements of success. Be

the night sky is to harness possibilities

the observer and conduit for the

and ignite creativity through

immaculate unknown where anything

considered choice. Authentic choice.

is possible, and NOTHING exists in

If the vast majority of people are

symbiotic harmony with EVERYTHING.

stuck in socially acceptable routines,

Consider the possibility that, within

then freedom exists in the unmapped

you, all and nothing coexists in

inner terrain of I AM-ness. We need

perfect harmony. And then, hit the

time and silence to explore this

reset button.

territory, not more rules, prayers or data. Time and silence to bypass the

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 16

Summer/ Issue 38

Angela McCrimmon

Duvet Day

Stage Fright

I woke up today with that feeling inside,

Today I picked up my paper and pen,

Can’t face the world, I just want to hide.

I sighed and put it back down again.

Not sure I can wear my trademark smile,

I stared at the space in front of me,

Not sure I can walk yet another mile.

Blank, right where my words should be.

I’m filled with that feeling of such deep dread,

I tried, but it was soon over and done,

I overthink all the things that they said.

My hands were cold, and my heart felt numb.

Paranoia sets in, yet they cannot see,

My vocabulary had disappeared,

This is just a regular day for me.

They think that I’m weak, They don’t see that I’m strong, I’ve been fighting this battle for so, so long.

I’m tired, but I know I’ll continue to fight, So desperate to turn the wrong into right.

So desperate it seems I’m misunderstood, They don’t take the time, even those that should.

‘Stage Fright’ like I’d always feared.

I looked around, desperate to see, Something that stirred inside of me.

Something that could touch my soul, Make this emptiness seem whole.

The words are usually always there, We’re always together, always a pair.

“Attention seeking” they continue to say,

Never have we fallen apart,

So I continue to push my feelings away.

I end the sentence when they start.

I can’t face the world, I’m too tired to try,

I felt frustrated, wound up inside,

So drained of the tears I don’t want to cry.

Panic or grief, I couldn’t decide.

So scared for fear they might never stop,

The fear stopped me in my tracks,

I cancel my plans and just say I forgot.

It was in that moment I realised that...

I don’t forget; they just won’t understand,

Sometimes you need to quiet the mind,

But today I’m not sure, not sure if I can

It’s often in silent moments you find

Step into the world, climb out of my bed,

The subconscious thoughts that long to escape,

So I think I’ll stay under my duvet instead.

Put down your pen, take a deep breath and wait.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM 17

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 18

Summer/ Issue 38

The Day of Turmoil Dev Chatterjea

I

t was late 1984. For reasons I can’t

and the rest of the family. Up to the end

remember, the three of us, my mother,

of October that year, things were still

brother and I, were living in Calcutta

sour between the Sikhs in Punjab and

(before it became Kolkata) with my

the Prime Minister, Indira Gandhi. News

father’s side of the family. Both my

of the storming of the Sikhs’ holy temple

brother and I had been enrolled in a

(the Golden Temple in Amritsar) was still

school called Calcutta International

on people’s minds, but my seven-year-

School, a place where children from

old brother and I were oblivious to this.

other parts of the world, including

Well, we had some knowledge of the

Indians, aka Non-Resident Indians,

situation because of the interactions

would come to study. Most of them,

between Sikhs and members of the

like me and my brother, were only there

public.

for a short time. Back then, I was a

Things would get really bad on

rather naïve, goofy nine-year-old, who

Wednesday, 31st October 1984. The

had somehow mastered the Bengali

day had started like every other day:

language very quickly. The school was

Mother was getting us ready for school;

in the southern part of the city, and we

my uncles were screaming about

lived in the northern part.

something or other; my cousin and aunt

The whole year had been scarred

were rushing to get to their respective

by family troubles, illness, family politics

schools. Our dad had decided that he

and the shocking death of my favourite

would take us to school. Nothing had

auntie. It was around mid-October

gone wrong yet. The school morning

that my dad flew over from London to

was the same: classes, assembly and

spend some time with the three of us

lunch. It was in the afternoon when

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM 19

things changed. Lunchtime had

against the Prime Minister and the

ended, and a group of teachers had

northern half, which was in favour of

rushed us into our classrooms. They

her. This was a big problem for me and

looked tense. It was obvious that

my brother. We were on the wrong

something had happened, but the

side of the city, and we needed to

teachers were keeping things quiet

get back home. Back in the safe

so that the students would not get

boundaries of our school, the staff

frightened. We were left alone.

rushed to their classes and pulled out

An hour went by, and the

all the older brothers, asking us all to

atmosphere in the school started to get go and collect our younger siblings. tense. The students had started to get

Hearing this, I worried about what

worried and were wondering where

was going to happen to us and if my

all the teachers were. It transpired that

brother and I were going to be alright.

they were in the library, watching the

I ran to my brother’s classroom on

news like a hawk. Suddenly, without

the ground floor. As I burst in, I said: “I

any warning, a teacher rushed into

am here for my brother.” His teacher

my classroom. She started to mutter in

hurried over to me and murmured,

a panicky voice: “The Prime Minister

“You know what has happened, don’t

of India, Indira Gandhi, has been

you?” Gathering my breath, I replied,

assassinated by her Sikh bodyguard.”

“The Prime Minister is dead, and there

At this point, my nine-year-old brain

is some rioting going on.” The teacher

realised that this was not going to go

smiled and beckoned to my brother.

well.

“You have to be brave; you and your

Outside the secure school grounds,

brother are on the wrong side of the

rioting had started in the four main

city.” Feeling scared, I looked over at

cities, including Calcutta. This city had

my brother and took a deep breath.

been split into two rioting groups: the

We walked to the main gate where the

southern half of the city, which was

other siblings were gathered. Our head

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 20

Summer/ Issue 38

teacher, Mrs Venkateshwar, walked

driver and his friend (who was sitting in

up to us. Speaking in a firm voice, she

the seat next to him) took us on board.

told us that our parents had been

This was a big risk for us, as the Prime

informed and were on their way.

Minister was killed by a Sikh, and, at

After a short while, our dad arrived,

that time, people were not happy

trying to keep a calm face. He

with them to say the least. The driver

pointed at us and muttered to our

looked at the three of us. He pointed

head teacher: “They’re my sons. I

at our innocent faces and smiled,

have come to collect them.” I looked

saying a prayer as he slowly started to

back at him. I knew things were not

drive through small, winding streets in

right. For a nine-year-old boy, this

order to avoid the trouble on certain

was very scary. We could hear the

roads. Throughout this journey, we

sounds of car windows being broken

could hear people screaming and

and people screaming. I looked at

shouting, things breaking, guns going

my brother’s face and realised that I

off. And it got louder each time.

had to be strong. Grabbing his hand,

Unfortunately for us, we were

I walked over to my dad, who, like

heading in the direction of the chaos.

me, was keeping a calm face but was

Eventually, we got to a point where

clearly very worried inside.

we had reached the boundary

Holding our dad’s hands, we

between north and south, a famous

slowly walked down the road, asking

road that was a tourist spot and a

reluctant cab drivers if they would

very good shopping district. It looked

take us to our house in north Calcutta.

a lot like a war zone, with homemade

None of them would. The three of us

bombs going off, stones bouncing off

kept on walking down the bumpy

the cab roof, people shouting, “Get

road, which was filled with stones,

them!” Our hearts started to pound

sticks and glass. Eventually, after

like heavy and fast drums. Eventually,

several nervous minutes, a Sikh taxi

we entered a road covered in sacks

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM 21

and barricades. Seeing this, Dad

This did not last. Luckily, we had

pushed our heads down as the car

made it to the northern side of the

went down the road. It was as if he

city. The riots were still going on around

was protecting us from any flying

us while we were going down the

objects that could come through the

alleyways. As we approached the

back window of the car. After a few

main road, a group of rioters came

seconds, several violent men rushed

charging towards us. A heavy stone

over with sticks. They were shouting,

flew in our direction, bouncing off

“Hit them! Destroy them!” They were

the car bonnet. The driver started to

also carrying a Khara (a regional

reverse the taxi, retreating down the

slang word for a sword with a curved

alleyway. Suddenly, the car came

or hook-shaped blade), a Boti (flip

to a halt. Another rival group was

knife/chopping tool) and stones. My

approaching from the other end. It

heart started to pound even harder.

turned out that both groups had heard

The only thing that stopped me from

about each other and were heading

freaking out was my brother’s strangely

towards one another. And, just to

calm face. It was as if he knew that

make things more interesting, we were

everything would be alright. The taxi

in the middle of those two groups,

driver leapt out and shouted, “What

both of which were getting closer. As

are you doing? There are children in

we shuffled between them, we were

this car!” It did not stop there. Seeing

pelted with stones, sticks and bottles.

the bright yellow taxi, the men started

They were even more violent because

to throw heavier stones as they got

our driver was a Sikh, and it was a Sikh

closer. The driver drove quickly down

that had killed the Prime Minister. As

the road and began turning into

they ran towards us, the rioters could

narrow, bendy alleyways. Gradually,

see his bright blue turban through the

the taxi started to slow down as the

taxi’s windows. Suddenly, a stone flew

streets became calmer.

through the rear window and over

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 22

Summer/ Issue 38

my head, bouncing off the front

major cities before her cremation

seat. It was clear that the stone was

in Delhi. As for the bodyguard who

aimed at the driver’s turban. Both

killed her, he was sentenced to

my brother and I were holding on to

life in jail. As a result of this event,

each other, scared and shaking as

tensions were rife between the

the stone flew by us.

Sikhs and the rest of India. However,

Dad looked around to find a way

since Manmohan Singh (a Sikh) has

out of the alleyway and saw one

become Prime Minister, tensions

leading to a main road. We could

have reduced somewhat.

still hear the rival groups shouting at

For the following fifteen years, I

one another: “Get them! Let’s beat

was petrified of going out by myself.

them to a pulp!” Seeing a small open

In those first eight years, I needed

area, the driver manoeuvred the

to have one of my parents with

car through the alleyway and on

me wherever I went. Up until 2009

to the main road. Taking a chance,

I was really scared of large crowds

we drove through the roads paved

of people or any large marches

with sticks, broken bottles and knives,

taking place in the area. Even after

straight into a neighbour’s garage.

returning to the UK in 1986, I would

For the next two weeks, everyone

find it very difficult to be in crowds;

spent their time indoors, and for

in fact, I would freeze. Whenever

the first and only time in the city’s

there was turmoil or violent situations

history, the roads were empty, with

going on in the world, I would recall

the exception of the army and

that day in 1984. As I grew up, I

the police driving down the empty

gradually realised that this fear was

streets to see if everything was okay.

making it difficult for me; I could not

After two weeks, the government

do anything. I realised that the only

decided to take Indira Gandhi’s

way to get rid of my fears was to

body through the streets of all the

face them, and that’s what I did until

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM 23

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 24

Summer/ Issue 38

Rising to the Challenge Learning to play the violin

Anthony J. Parké

O

ne of the biggest challenges

persisted with it. In fact, I couldn’t

I’ve encountered as an adult

put it down. I played every day for

is, unquestionably, learning to play

a minimum of thirty minutes. Never

the violin. With little or no musical

more than an hour. Then it dawned

background (other than knowing a

on me that I was obsessed with

handful of guitar chords), I decided

something in particular: rising to the

to take up the violin. This happened

challenge. This instrument defied

on the back of my seven-year-old

every element of so-called skill and

daughter taking up this instrument

hand dexterity I could throw at it.

several weeks before. My aim was

Nothing made it sound good. Nothing

only to help her. I personally had

but time…

no interest. Little did I know I would become completely obsessed by it.

Learning to play the violin brought

As I looked into the instrument, I soon realised that the violin is considered one of the most difficult

barely any gratification in the first few

instruments to learn/master. If not the

months. I could’ve easily decided

most difficult. For one, it has no frets.

that it was unbearably noisy and

If you tap a C on the piano, you get

not for me. But, for some reason, I

a C. On a violin, you have to find the

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 25

C by ear. Once found, it only gets you so far. Tap the piano C, and you get a

read music.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve

perfect C. Play a C on the violin, and

begun to take on something new, only

it can sound completely horrendous.

to watch it fall by the wayside. Usually

Why? Because there are a multitude

from disinterest or a presumed inability.

of variables involved when playing a

I recall travelling to India, purchasing

note. Many elements have to coincide

a sitar, taking lessons, returning to

to make it a pleasurable sound. Most

England, taking a few more lessons,

come from bow technique. Believe

then leaving its case untouched for

me when I say volumes have been

the next thirty years. I had notions of

written on simply having correct bow

learning to sculpt in clay; two years

technique. I fought relentlessly with my

later, the clay remains unused in the

bow for a year.

fridge. I had notions of writing a book

I have just passed the one-year

of fiction. Two failed drafts, and the

mark. Now I have come to an impasse.

idea was hurriedly shelved. Where this

There is a gaping hole staring at me. To

inability to follow through leaves one,

progress, I have to deal with this hole.

I couldn’t say. What I can say is that

You see, I can’t read music. So far, I

pushing through the numerous levels

have been 100% self-taught. Playing

of resistance I’ve experienced with the

by ear. But, finally, I succumbed. I

violin has left me with a profound sense

have found a violin teacher who, for

of achievement. We can build pictures

thirty minutes, once a month, gives me

in our minds of how we think we are:

feedback. Her feedback suggests that,

“I cannot do this, I cannot do that…”

if I want to progress, I have to learn to

etc. For an entire lifetime I’ve held a

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 26

Summer/ Issue 38

hitherto unshakeable belief that I

beautiful challenge. Playing the

cannot read music, that it involves

violin beautifully, competently, is a

too much work. Growing up, I never

dream I’ve held since picking up the

knew anyone who could read music.

instrument just over twelve months

But each day I happily watch this

ago.

myth crumble as I delve deeper and

With sight-reading in my future

deeper into Etudes (special studies

arsenal, I’m considering the possibility

designed to improve reading and

of taking music grades - alongside

technique). My entire focus has

my daughter. Together, we’re

shifted entirely to grasping a strong

growing as musicians, and it has

foundation of sight-reading. To grow

created a special bond between

as a violinist, this skill is required.

us. In this special relationship, we are

Currently, two weeks have passed since starting this new challenge,

both teacher and student.

So, I look forward to the next

and I can now read music.

twelve months and beyond. There

Competently? Not in the least. It is

are some challenges in life that we

slow and arduous. Surrounded by a

shy from and others that we just

sense of impossibility. Playing by ear,

can’t help embracing. When you

I usually play Satie or Shostakovich.

feel that connection, that embrace,

However, now that I’m sight-reading,

it makes the journey a whole lot

I play Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star! One

more enjoyable, a force impossible

step backward, for several steps

to deny!

forward. Once more, I’m faced with a challenge. But it really is a

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 27

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 28

Summer/ Issue 38

The North Yorkshire Moors Railway Ricky Writes

T

his article is about one of Britain’s

Geography, about the forming of the

many heritage steam railways: the

Newtondale Gorge, through which much

North Yorkshire Moors Railway, which runs from Pickering to Whitby on the Yorkshire coast.

In 2017, it celebrated the 50th

of the railway runs.

Go back 10,000 years to the last ice age. The North Sea was full of ice, which meant that surface water on

anniversary of when it was founded

the moors was not able to flow into it.

in 1967, two years after the closing of

As a consequence, Lake Eskdale and

the line by British Railways as part of

Lake Wheeldale were formed. Water

the infamous ‘Beeching Axe’. Known

from these lakes then gouged out

then as the North Yorkshire Moors

Newtondale Gorge and formed Lake

Railway Preservation Society, it is now

Pickering. Water from that carved out

the premier heritage railway in Britain

Kirkham Abbey Gorge and continued

and, quite likely, the world, with over

south-west towards York. Kirkham Abbey

350,000 passenger journeys a year. It has

Gorge is used by the York to Scarborough

become a registered charity.

railway line to this day. Newtondale and

History, Geography and Scenery But what of its history, geography, scenery and development?

I don’t know much about the area around the beginning of time, but a lot is known, as it is taught in A-level

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

Kirkham Abbey Gorges are known as ‘glacial overspill channels’.

Early 1800s Let’s skip forward to the early 1800s and the coming of the railway.

Apparently, Whitby was worried.

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 29

Whaling and ship-building were in abrupt

conquered by pile-driving Baltic fir,

decline, and mineral workings on the

heather stuffed in sheepskins and whole

cliffs had fallen on hard times. Frustration

trees and hurdles covered in moss to

increased. Local forests were very

secure a firm foundation. There was an

productive, stone quarrying had begun

inclined plane of 1 in 10 or 10% (as steep

at Goathland and limestone was worked

as Muswell Hill, here in Haringey) rope-

at Pickering, but, in all three cases,

worked at Beck Hole near Goathland.

development was hindered by the lack

Traffic exceeded expectations from

of direct communication needed to

the outset, but there were also financial

transport the materials.

difficulties due to the actual cost of

In this era of uncertainty, there was

construction being grossly in excess of

a significant meeting in railway history

the estimate. (Things haven’t changed,

when my namesake, George Hudson

have they?) Hudson declared that the

‘the Railway King’ (no known relation),

best way of rejuvenating the railway was

came to Whitby in 1834 and, by chance,

to turn Whitby into a holiday resort, and

met ‘the Father of Railways’, George

rows of terraced boarding houses were

Stephenson, and they became firm

built on the West Cliff, where George

friends. George Stephenson was asked

Street and Hudson Street remain to this

for his comments on building a simple

day.

horse-drawn line, and he came down in favour of it.

An Act of Parliament was obtained

In 1845, the line was re-built for steam locomotive haulage rather than horses, and a larger tunnel was constructed

in 1833 without opposition, and a survey

at Grostmont, the original one now

went ahead. The first sod was cut on

being a footpath to the North Yorkshire

the 10th September 1833 at Whitby,

Moors Railway’s locomotive repair

and construction proceeded rapidly.

sheds. Whitby got a new lease of life

The River Esk was crossed nine times by

due to the local mining of jet, which

bridges between Whitby and Grosmont,

crept into popularity when Queen

and at Grosmont there was a tunnel.

Victoria selected it for mourning her late

Fen Bog, 20 feet deep, near the present

husband, Prince Albert.

Fylingdales Early Warning Station, was

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 30

In October 1861, the rope on the

Summer/ Issue 38

incline broke, and, although there

and the track bed is now a footpath

were no fatalities then, worse

called the Heritage Rail Trail. There is

happened in 1864 when the rope

a lovely, convenient, unspoilt pub at

snapped again, and two people were

Beck Hole, a few yards from the foot

killed. A four-and-a-half-mile deviation

of the incline and, personally, well-

was built at a steep gradient for a

recommended! Diesel multiple units

railway (1 in 49).

(two or three carriages joined together

The line had been linked to the York

with a diesel engine under one of

to Scarborough railway in 1845 by a

them) were introduced in 1958 and

branch from Malton to Pickering, and,

seemed to be a lifeline, but, although

with the opening of the deviation,

packed on summer weekends, there

there were through coaches from

were all too many empty seats,

London King’s Cross in the summer.

midweek and midwinter.

In the First World War, six miles of the track from Levisham to Pickering were reduced from a double-track to a

Beeching The Beeching plan proposed that

single-track, the rails being destined for

all rail routes to Whitby be withdrawn,

the war effort in France. Unfortunately,

but, after a local outcry, the line from

the ship carrying the rails was sunk in

Middlesborough via the Esk Valley and

the English Channel, so they never

Grosmont was spared and is still in

arrived.

existence. Harold Wilson, in opposition,

1945 and after After the Second World War, excursions, scenic rail tours and

said he would save the Grosmont to Pickering line, but, when he became Prime Minister, he changed his mind, and the line was closed.

through coaches to and from London all reappeared in the summer months, but the upsurge in private motoring led to a considerable drop in passengers. The branch to the foot of the incline at Beck Hole was closed,

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

This article will be continued in the next issue. It will discuss the re-opening of the line by the North Yorkshire Moors Railway Preservation Society and then how I became involved with this charity as a member and volunteer.

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 31

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 32

Summer/ Issue 38

What Do Burnouts and Skyscrapers Have in Common?

Liv Johannesson

I

woke up one morning…

bump, impact and trauma, tension

contemplating…that a burnout is like

builds within it. It doesn’t show, and

breaking glass.

the surface looks the same. Scratches

A few years ago, the American TV

or dents might not be visible, but the

programme MythBusters were testing a

tension is there. “Probably for 10,000

myth about a lawyer who repeatedly

times, nothing will happen, but you

threw himself against the window of the

are dealing with a very brittle material,

skyscraper where he worked to prove

and it doesn’t give you any warning …

that they are unbreakable. One day,

it just goes pump…” says Pat Quinn,

he threw himself against the window; it

a structural engineer featured on

broke, and he fell to his death from the

the show. Eventually, there is enough

twenty-fourth floor.

tension that the smallest bump shatters

The MythBusters simulated this

the glass into a million pieces. The

situation: the reasonable weight of the

MythBusters continued their tests,

person, the reasonable speed with

changing the speed of impact and the

which he hit the window, getting hold

distribution of the weight, etc. Suddenly,

of a typical skyscraper window glass, as

after several tests, the unbreakable

well as factoring in other environmental

glass shattered.

factors. Initially, the glass didn’t break.

Glass is a tricky material. For every

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

A burnout, in my experience, has similarities. It’s easy to question a person

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 33

who is being weighed down by

situation described in the myth.

stress. How can they not cope with

Here is where glass and people

A? Why don’t they just deal with B?

differ. With the shattered glass, you

And C is not even stressful! It might

would sweep all the little pieces

be true that A, B and C are not

together and chuck them in the bin.

very stressful or hard to handle one

Maybe, if you have the facilities, you

at a time, but combine them, and

would melt and reuse the glass.

it’s a different story. Add to that no

Now imagine that you had to take

sufficient means of stress release, for

all those shattered pieces of glass

whatever reason, and that tension,

and, like a puzzle, try to fit them all

just like in the glass, is going to

together again. That is what you

start building until it hits a breaking

do after a burnout; try to fit all the

point. Once the breaking point is

pieces that you were made of

there, the thing that tips the scale

into a functioning whole again. It’s

might seem insignificant. Because

not easy: it’s a painstakingly slow

each individual stress factor seems

process, and there will always be

trivial, it can be hard, even for those

scars where the pieces never quite

who experience it, to anticipate

come together again.

the impact. You might sense that

Oh, and in case you missed it,

something is wrong, but the final

the unbreakable glass is breakable.

breakdown still comes unexpectedly. Just like how those who suffer from The MythBusters had not changed

burnouts are not necessarily the

the total weight of the test dummy,

weakest people but the strongest. It

and the speed before impact in the

can happen to any of us – if enough

final test was reasonable given the

tension starts to build.

EQUILIBRIUM 34

Ernestine Astharte De Los Santos My dearest Ernestine, You’re such a pretty sight to see.

The thought of you engraved in me, taking the best of me.

You truly live a life of dreams, heartaches, pains, all while beautifully serene.

A glass doll you will always be that bats her eyes like leaves falling off a tree.

When we’re together, sharing moments, leave the lights on, please, So I can see you completely all over me.

You fight the hardest battle that a human can bear.

When reality seems to rely on what’s going on up there…

And your to-do list makes you crawl back into bed.

And life seems like a list of words unsaid.

Fight your fight, for there are better days ahead.

Ernestine, fight your fight, for you deserve the very best. My love.

EQUILIBRIUM 35