Equilibrium Magazine for Wellbeing Issue 68

ISSUE 68, 2019

• Speak Up! The Mental Health Podcast • Recovery Through Spirituality • Count Ourselves Lucky • Combat Stress • Paintings, poems and fiction

MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING

Front cover: Pixabay/ Free-Photos

Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion, 2008.

What Equilibrium means to me‌.

WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list to get the magazine four times a year (no spam!), please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium).

Equilibrium is devised, created and produced by . students with experience of the mental health system.

Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved, 2011.

I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together, and we were made to feel very welcome.

Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy.

One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you.

Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further.

Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice.

I have been with Equilibrium since 2007, and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoyed writing articles and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year.

Angela

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EDITORIAL Hello, Equilibrium readers. I hope you are having a wonderful summer, be it here or somewhere beautiful and exotic. As always, we have a rich and varied selection of contributions. In a brand new short story, K gets an unexpected surprise when she finds herself in the bowels of a magical staircase, and Polly Granger’s poem is a dark meditation on the complexities of existence.

Meanwhile, Astharte discusses her views on the importance of spirituality as part of the recovery process. I hope you enjoy reading the pieces in this issue and hope that you continue to share our wonderful little publication with friends, family and mental health enthusiasts.

Namaste.

Emily, Editor

DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by students. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Any material that has been reprinted is, as far as we know, in the public domain. If you have any concerns about anything printed within Equilibrium, please contact the team via the email below.

Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk

THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Students: Dev, Nigel, Richard Graphic Designer: Anthony J. Parke

CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 0208 489 4860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk.

CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos and articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.

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Summer/ Issue 38

SPEAK UP! A London-based podcast about mental health

Pauline Blanchet

L

ike many of us, I grew up unaware

of the complexities of mental

back on how I felt when I was a

illness. Many questions remained

teenager, confused, angry and

unanswered around why, sometimes,

frustrated with life. I didn’t understand

the people around me were ‘down’ or

my emotions, always guessing what

‘feeling blue’. It was only later when I

I should feel. In my second year of

saw mental illness manifest into serious

university, I decided it was time to do

outcomes that I knew that I had to

something. I knew that I wanted to

educate myself on what was going

reach the teenagers who needed

on. I have lost three friends to suicide.

support when it came to mental

That can’t be right: we live in a city

health. I was awarded a grant from

which should be abundant in free

02 Think Big to start a podcast. It was

mental health services. It’s a disgrace:

important for me to also work with

teenage suicides increased by 107%

the Brent Centre for Young People,

last year in London.

a charity based in Brent that helped

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

As the years went on, I reflected

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me through difficult times. After

June in 2018. The episodes range from

partnering with the centre, being

masculinity, the use of social media

granted the funding and compiling

and role models. The response to

a list of possible interviewees, I was

the episodes was amazing; people

ready to go. I wanted teenagers to

felt like they were not alone, that

hear young adults and professionals

their stories were experienced by

talking openly about mental health in

others too. I wanted listeners to walk

order to remove the stigma and get them talking.

I started with my friends and

the people around me, asking them to share their stories of struggles with mental health. To my surprise, they were more than happy to share their experiences. It was also vital to have interviews with people in the field of mental health, as well as Louis Theroux, who opened up about the making of his documentary on anorexia.

After three months of hard work

away and talk about mental health, talk about their struggles and join the conversation. If the stigma is removed, more people can go and seek help and feel more comfortable with what they are going through.

After the success of the first

season, we decided to create a second season, which was released on the 15th May. It will see another range of young people coming forward with their inspirational stories.

Using mediums such as podcasting

and endless interviews, the first season

can be a great way to keep pushing

of SPEAK UP! was polished and ready

the conversation around the mental

to be published. It was released at

health difficulties which London’s

an event in the House of Lords last

young population are facing.

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Summer/ Issue 38

The Fabricated Mermaid Polly Granger Waking eyes, lifting with glacial effort, Pressed down with fathoms of water, with sorrow, Resenting the fact that it is another tomorrow.

Arise, leave the room, pressing through Blue frightening inkblots, Open the door, get out of my house, struggling through my black depths.

My stomach is ebbing and churning.

Others ignore me, my wild flowing hair, My breasts and my hips, their lonely contours.

No one notices that my eyes are filled with tears.

I feel I don’t exist, even though there are those around me that know I do.

They would have heard my desperate song, Known that my voice and my body and soul are real.

But there are those who cannot believe.

I was a cautionary story, My voice a fabrication, my spirit a myth.

If they knew I was real, with more purpose than legend, They would notice my tears and my graceful, ghostly movements, Spectral like love in a fractured heart, The tail that takes me further away from land pixabay/ LeandroDeCarvalho

And into the wreck of lifeless eyes and invisibility, The callous ocean that reminds me that I do not exist.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

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PAINTINGS Skye Ali

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Summer/ Issue 38

Wellbeing News A few stories from the world of mental health

A Study in Loneliness have difficulty socialising in contrast to 13% of people over the age of 55. These findings indicate that loneliness is perhaps more prevalent in younger generations.

Image: coyot/ Pixabay

NOCD App

MyFilmClub have carried out a survey on 2040 people to examine the link between going to the cinema and loneliness. The results showed that 13%

NOCD have designed a free

of the participants experience constant

app for those experiencing OCD.

isolation. 22% of this total were 16-24

It provides self-help exercises,

year olds, 18% were 25-34 year olds

guidance and support to help with

and only 5% were aged 55 and over.

episodes, a community space for

Additionally, 59% of respondents have

those experiencing the condition

stated that they often feel isolated.

and the opportunity to work with a

Furthermore, 40% of 16-24 year olds

therapist online.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

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Summer/ Issue 38

Count Ourselves Lucky Dev Chatterjea

A

s a person living in the UK, we can

may be due to lack of funds. Some

consider ourselves lucky. There

mental health treatments cost a lot of

is an increasing awareness of mental

money, possibly in the millions. So, for a

health compared to other countries.

person of the lower classes, it is next to

One of the reasons for this is that

impossible to get any sort of treatment

there have been several awareness

in these countries.

campaigns within the UK run by Heads

Together, Mind, Mental Health UK and

(WHO) did a survey in India to see

Rethink Mental Illness. But this is not the

how much awareness there was of

case in other countries. This is because

mental health. 87% of the respondents

they have little or no knowledge of

showed that they had some awareness

mental health issues. In fact, some

of mental illness. However, 71% also

have completely pushed the subject

used the “usual or negative terms”

of mental health under the carpet. This

associated with stigma. In other

could mean that people who have

words, they would have heard people

mental health problems are faced

around them, e.g. friends, family,

with ridicule and labelled ‘crazy’,

acquaintances, neighbours and other

‘mad’, ‘stupid’ and ‘retarded’. In some

members of the public, talking about

instances, they might find that they do

people with mental health issues

not get any support whatsoever. This

in an extremely negative manner.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

The World Health Organization

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These terms are unfounded and are

for counselling, medicine, social

expressed by people who pretend

support from day centres and mental

to be knowledgeable but are not.

health charities, etc. Often people

However, when challenged by other

in Third World countries must take

more knowledgeable people, they

up unsavoury jobs like working for

are unable to prove their negative

criminals as messengers, removing

viewpoint. This ignorance can cause

waste products (dung, animal

more harm to the mentally ill person.

carcases, hazardous waste), working

It could even lead to anti-social

in insalubrious bars as dancers, etc. All

behaviour.

of this just to pay for their treatment.

Some even resort to begging and

This sort of viewpoint is not

only an issue in India; there are other

prostitution. It is shocking and

countries around the world that have

unbelievable that people have to

similar attitudes. One reason for this is

go to such lengths just to get help

that there has not been an easy way

for their mental illness. Think about it:

of talking to people about mental

what is a person who comes from an

health.

impoverished background supposed

to do? Many mentally ill people must

On continents like Africa, Asia

and South America, people are

also financially support family members

expected to fund their treatment

and look after elderly parents. Like

themselves, depending on the type

all people with mental health issues

of treatment needed. This contrasts

in other countries, they also want

with the UK’s NHS. This is an extra

to get better. Luckily, thanks to the

burden for people with severe mental

underestimated and under-funded

health issues. In some cases, people

NHS, we in the UK do not really have to

must take two-three jobs just to pay

go that far.

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In the case of the NHS, people

who are poor or working class can get

like Mind, Mental Health Foundation, Young Minds, Heads Together and

the same, or similar, treatment to every Together, who give support to the other person. We do not realise how

public. Councils also have mental

lucky we are to have the NHS. Several

health support services in place in

friends from India and some parts of

the form of wellbeing colleges, drop-

Africa have said: “You have no idea

in centres, etc. This is not the case

what it is like when you must pay for

in other countries around the world.

your mental health treatment without

Firstly, not all countries provide this

the NHS”. Even if you go private, it is

type of support or institutions set up

far more expensive when you are in

for mental ill-health. In fact, some

other countries. The situation becomes

countries don’t have any whatsoever.

much more severe when you think

If they do have them, they are very

about getting help in the Third World

poorly maintained, as they cost an

and developing countries. Those

arm and a leg to look after privately.

countries may not have any type of

This may be due to lack of funds,

mental health support services.

support and a lack of knowledge

about mental health. Some countries

The NHS provides a lot of

treatment and services for people

have very little interest in mental

with mental health issues. Okay, some

health and invest very little in it. Most

of the services may vary from area

people in other developing countries

to area, city to city, but to be frank,

may never get any support. By

there is still support available. Patients

reading this article, you can hopefully

can still access support from other

understand why we in the UK are so

areas in their city or county, even if it

lucky to get mental health support on

is at a ‘small cost’. There are charities

the NHS in this country.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

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Image: Comfreak/ Pixabay

When You Left Liv Johannesson ”Suicide is not chosen; it’s when pain exceeds the resources for coping with the pain.”

What was your pain?

Why didn’t you let any of us share that pain with you?

People are resources.

I have learnt that now.

It took many tears to reach out my hand and touch someone else.

But the tears that fell then will always be worth the joy I have now.

You taught me how fragile life is, that we must live as if those we love will never leave but could be gone before we realise they were leaving.

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Summer/ Issue 38

Recovery through Spirituality Astharte De Los Santos

W

hen I think of recovery, I

I believe spirituality and recovery

automatically think of a beach:

are related because, in the moments

a beautiful serene setting that inspires

when I needed God the most, he was

you to write a poem or to paint. A long

there as a source of comfort. Now maybe

walk by the shore, finally answering life’s

your God is Buddha, and through rituals

toughest questions, and contemplating

you feel more spiritual. For me, spirituality

how this addiction or mental health

begins by having a true relationship with

problem has affected your life and how

GOD. Prayer is essential for this because it

you can develop better coping skills to

allows you to connect to God in a deeper

overcome them when times get tough.

way by having a conversation about your

feelings. I also study the Bible because I

According to studies, alcoholism

and drug abuse are among the most

believe it is a holistic tool for overcoming

common, devastating and costly

many of life’s obstacles. Whatever support

problems in the U.S. In fact, there are

you may need throughout recovery, hold

approximately 53% of adults in the U.S

on to it. It is important to rely on something

who have reported that one or more close relatives have a drinking problem.

For me, spirituality and recovery

go hand in hand. You must submit your will to some form of higher power to be liberated from addiction. Whether the higher power is God is something personal that only you can decide.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

bigger than you during this process.

Spirituality is a broad concept

with room for many perspectives. It is the notion that something bigger than us is present in our life. That all good things in this world such as hope, love, wisdom and kindness come from that higher power.

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There are many practices that can

In Solapur, India, they have had

strengthen your spirituality. Depending

a baby-dropping tradition every year

on your religious beliefs and culture,

for the past five hundred years. A priest

spirituality may already be part of your

stands at the top of the shrine and drops

customs.

a baby on to a sheet, fifty feet below.

In the U.S there are many different

Family and friends hold the blanket,

faiths and religious practices due largely

hoping this ritual will bring everyone

to immigration. Throughout the years,

involved good luck and even better

the U.S has been considered “a melting

health.

pot” because of all the different cultures

mixed together.

unique tradition between two rival

churches in the small town of Vrontados.

This country is mainly structured on

In Chios, Greece, there is a very

Christian values and beliefs. Most people

They celebrate Easter Sunday by

who do engage in religious activities go

exchanging colourful fireworks and

to church on Sundays. They also believe

rockets at midnight. These two rival

in baptism and “being saved”, an act

churches prepare a ‘rocket war’ by

where you submit your will to Jesus, who,

launching thousands of rockets and

in exchange, grants you eternal life. In

fireworks, with the objective of hitting

American Christian homes, most families

the bell on the other side of town.

sit at the table and pray over the food

They prepare for the event by sealing

before they eat, and in church they sing

windows and covering up the cathedral

and clap joyfully as they worship.

with protective wire mesh.

Another example of a spiritual

Spirituality around the world

ritual can be seen in Sinhalese Buddhist

Customs and rituals are what make us

ceremonies of Sri Lanka. There is a ritual

individuals, collectively. They give our

to cure people of illnesses. In this ritual

culture a personality of its own, making

they believe physical ailments and

it something that belongs to us and that

“spiritual sickness” relate. They perform

we are characterised by.

an elaborate exorcism ritual that

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Summer/ Issue 38

involves all-night dancing, singing,

Prayer

and role-playing, which usually lasts

This should be an integral part of your

from midnight until 6am. At midnight

recovery. Prayer is important because,

costumed actors appear as demons,

not only are you connecting with a

and as the night goes on, they begin

higher power, when seeking guidance,

to be portrayed as ridiculous.

but there is also a sense of hope and humility in praying. Hope because

Enhancing the recovery process

prayer allows you to feel like there is

Many of these religious practices take

support, that you are not alone and

place in their country of origin, but

that the higher power is a source of

some of these rituals and traditions

comfort, and humility because you

have found their way into holistic

are relying on an outside source for

spiritual practices that our country has

encouragement and strength.

embraced.

Meditation Yoga

This is a form of spiritual practice that

Yoga has taken on a life of its own in

encourages one to disconnect from

this country. Many believe that it is just

the ego’s self-centered chatter and

a fitness activity. It may surprise you

reunite with awareness of self. The

to know that yoga is a five-thousand-

most familiar forms of meditation

year-old Indian body of knowledge.

associated with Western culture are

It is a Hindu, spiritual and ascetic

from Buddhist sects that practise

discipline which, along with breathing

meditation such as Zen and Tibetan.

control, simple meditation and

The goal is to reach inner peace;

specific body postures, can enhance

this is sometimes referred to as

relaxation. It is a series of holistic

“spaciousness” or “the mind of God”.

exercises that integrates elements of

Many wellness and fitness centres

ancient knowledge, effective yoga

around the U.S offer meditation as

postures and breathing techniques.

a means of relaxation. Nowadays in

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our culture, it has become normal to

rituals can be used for sexual practices

suggest meditation when someone is

such as the term “tantric sex”, since the

under stress or has too much on their

art of Tantra seeks access to the Divine

plate.

through the physical body.

Tai chi

Spirituality in recovery

Tai chi is defined as an internal Chinese

When you enter rehab and experience

martial art, practised for both its

a life in recovery, you will learn different

defence training and health benefits.

ways to grow your spirituality. Now,

Just like yoga, it is characterised by

there is quite a difference between

movements that bring together the

being religious and being spiritual.

spirit and body. There are five elements

Religious people often practise

involving tai chi: taolu (hand and

traditions and customs and are sure

weapon routine), neigong & Qigong

there is a God. To be spiritual, you don’t

(breathing and awareness exercises),

have to accept or embrace a divine

tuishou (pushing hands) and Sanshou

power; you just need to have that

(forms). Practising meditation even on

desire within to connect to the self, the

your own can help decrease stress and

universe and nature.

help you refocus your mind during the

day.

recovery is how essential prayers are to

One thing I have learned in

building strength against temptation,

Tantra

how important it is to stand firm and,

Having influences on both Hinduism

with a sense of gratitude, bow my head

and Buddhism, Tantra is an ancient

to say thank you to my higher power.

Indian tradition of beliefs and ritual

practices that seek to channel the

loud about your day, your worries

divine energy of the macrocosm, or

and affliction, or an intimate moment

godhead, into the microcosm, to attain

before you start your day. Either way,

‘siddhi’ and ‘moksha’. Sometimes these

feeling like you are not alone is a

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Sometimes prayer is talking out

Summer/ Issue 38

rewarding experience when you are

in recovery. Spirituality strengthens

decision that you will make, because

this aspect of your journey.

your life depends on it. You can be

So spirituality encourages self-

reflection that in turn will lead you to

This is the most important

clean and live a sober life, but you must change from within. Learning

happiness. These spiritual practices

about the practices that encourage

can enhance your recovery

spirituality can be helpful in the long

experience. It will give you the extra

run. The recovery process can be a

support you need in order to gain

lot more fulfilling when you exercise

and retain a sound mind, while you

your spirituality.

learn to retrain your mind.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

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JudaM pixabay EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 22

Summer/ Issue 38

Poems by Gill Swan

Laughter Amusement wells up, Exploding out into sound, Releasing feelings.

Outside stimuli Changing inside perceptions, A chain reaction.

Rippling freely, Laughter erupts, spilling out Unexpectedly.

Atmosphere changing Expressions of happiness, Highly contagious.

Therapy Trauma Hidden at the bottom of a deep pit.

Experiences from the past Rotting under a dark shroud.

Anger flickering and consuming silently, Painful terror Yearning for expression.

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

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pixabay/ArmyAmber EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 24

Summer/ Issue 38

Combat Stress The Ex-Servicemen’s Mental Welfare Society (Large parts of this article have been sourced from www.combatstress.org.uk)

Ricky Writes

I

have been a supporter of the charity

issues and psychological problems,

Combat Stress for many years,

such as shell shock (now referred to as

contributing financially and publicising

post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD),

it. It is my way of supporting an armed

anxiety and depression, received little

forces veterans’ charity in a field in

or no support from the public and were

which I have had a long personal

often sent to mental war hospitals.

experience (mental and nervous illness).

They acted to change that.

History

Last year marked one hundred years

could be helped with their mental

since the end of the First World War,

health problems through rehabilitation.

and this year marks the centenary of

Striking out against the contempt and

the founding of Combat Stress, whose

misunderstanding around mental health

original name was the Ex-Servicemen’s

at the time, they began fundraising to

Mental Welfare Society.

introduce homes for veterans, offering

occupational activities, such as basket

The founders saw how thousands

They believed that veterans

of servicemen returning from the war

weaving, to help them rebuild their

with trauma-related mental health

lives. That was in 1919, and the first

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‘recuperative home’ was opened

at their symptoms and current

in 1920 on Putney Hill in south-west

medication, exploring ways to make

London.

changes to behaviour.

A process known as ‘psycho-

Present Treatment Programmes

education’ looks at the causes of

Since then, services have changed

their mental health issues and how

significantly. For example, Combat

this affects them. This helps them

Stress now provides nationwide

understand their symptoms and

treatment and support to former

includes:

servicemen and women from

• the impact of traumatic events

every service and every conflict via

• the effects of trauma on their family

evidence-based clinical programmes.

• surviving guilt

They offer a twenty-four-hour helpline,

• readjusting to civilian life

help online and in the community,

• addictive behaviours

and at their treatment centres across

• depression management

the UK, where occupational therapy

• sleep hygiene – exploring ways to

is still offered.

sleep better.

Specialist clinical teams use

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and the treatment offered is in line with the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) –

Training is offered to help them

learn to manage and understand difficult thoughts, issues, feelings and memories. This can include:

www.nice.org.uk.

• mindfulness – this is where you pay

attention to the present moment,

The charity runs stabilisation

programmes at their treatment

your own thoughts and feelings, and

centres, giving discipline and skills

the world around you

to better manage life on a day-to-

• anxiety management

day basis. The programme is tailored

• anger management

to the individual veteran and looks

• grounding techniques – a coping

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Summer/ Issue 38

strategy designed to ‘ground’

hundred thousand veterans. Their

or connect you with the present

service is not routinely available on the

moment. It is often used as a way of

NHS or elsewhere, but veterans are

coping with flashbacks.

often referred by their GP, Royal British Legion, other veterans and family or

Different therapeutic activities

friends. Right now, they have never

are offered to help veterans manage

been busier, and demand is growing.

their symptoms, including:

Former servicemen and women

are ordinary people who have had • physical exercise and outdoor pursuits • occupational therapy • art therapy • structured health and wellbeing activities.

In 2018 the charity started to

extraordinary experiences. Combat Stress believe they need help in their hour of need.

A lot has been done, but there

is still much to do.

Everything is free of charge to

each veteran, and the charity could

roll out additional non-residential

not do what they do without the

programmes, making it easier for

generosity of the Great British public.

veterans with family and work

commitments to undertake treatment.

can. Please consider them and, if you

are able, give as much as you can.

A PTSD teletherapy study, which

They have given more than they

piloted the use of video technology to provide therapy to veterans living or working in remote locations, was successfully completed. Due to its success, they have planned to make this nationally available in the next three years.

Since its founding, Combat

Stress has helped more than one

www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium

Contact details: Combat Stress 24-hour helpline Tel: 0800 138 1619 Text: 07537 404719 Email: helpline@combatstress.org.uk; contactus@combatstress.org.uk Website: www.combatstress.org.uk Postal address: Tyrwhitt House, Oaklawn Road, Leatherhead, Surrey KT22 0BX.

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GALLERY

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Summer/ Issue 38

Paintings by Andrew Howard

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Summer/ Issue 38

THE WOMAN WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH STAIRCASE Anthony J. ParkĂŠ

T

he world had often seemed an

Her abiding fixation was that the

unfathomable place to K. She had

locals wanted her dead. Her incessant

struggled interminably to make sense

harassment of the cleaners who worked

of her position in life. Perhaps it was

on her large sprawling property ensured

her unconventional childhood. She

her fixation was based in fact.

had been raised amongst the fiery

admonitions of an overbearing mother.

became both the beast which chained

A mother that was strictly religious,

K to her mother and the release from

and desperately jealous of all K was,

maternal purgatory. The staircase at

and could be. On top of this she was

Broadwell was like no other. Its sprawling

a grotesque drunk. Mostly, her mother

helical structure was bejewelled with

despised K’s innocence. If she were to

the finest 18th century mahogany

suffer, then why not K too?

carvings of gargoyles and angels. It

took ten artisans over a period of two

K grew up in an affluent

Broadwell Hall, the family home,

environment, in a wooded and

years to carve its ornate mahogany

secluded manor house on the outskirts

embellishments. But it was less the

of St Albans. Her father had worked

external features of the staircase which

for the Foreign Office and had been

seduced K, rather it was the inner

stationed in India for many of the years

chambers which climbed within the

leading up to partition. It was in India

helical interior - chambers which would

where her mother became consumed

soon becomer her home.

with hysteria and began her drinking.

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It was by chance that K one

EQUILIBRIUM 31

day stumbled upon the clandestine

penultimate step of the staircase,

entrance. Perhaps it was a residual

heaving and stumbling, all the

maintenance entrance only partially

while cursing K’s name. Hearing

disguised by its creator. Perhaps the

her daughter’s moans immediately

creator had known that two hundred

below, she set to spit loose her venom.

years later K would desperately need a

But even in her stupor, she was

sanctuary.

dumbfounded to see that when she

reached the groundfloor, there was

K’s mother had been drinking

relentlessly for what seemed an entire

nothing but an empty hallway before

month. Her father was off on a hunting

her.

trip for woodgrouse; the game, of

course, was his new mistress who far

the helical stairs. The secret entrance

better grasped the etiquette of St

tightly closed. A musty dampness

Albans’ sobriety. That day, K heard her

curled into her lungs. To her bafflement

mother cursing her name intermittently

it was not at all dark. Rather, a misty

through woeful cries of self-pity.

glow emanated from a tiny window.

She could hear the cacophony of

Why would a window be placed under

her mother’s thumping footsteps

a staircase? She wondered. With a

thundering down the stairs. In panic,

child’s curiosity she leant in, peering

K stumbled, hitting her left temple

through the window. Until she realised

against one of the staircase’s wooden

it was nothing of the sort. The light was

gargoyles. Face down against the cold

little more than a photograph... but

stone floor, eyes blurry and tearful, she

one which eerily glowed.

gradually refocused her vision. She saw

a seam beofre her which ran along

saw the face of a boy in the sepia

a horizontal panel on the side of the

print. Of 12 or so. The sides of his mouth

helical stairs. Succumbing to her fate

curled and seemed to form into a

with an idle curiosity, she thumped her

smile. Startled, K reeled back, hitting

slender pale fist against the inlay panel.

her head against a buttress. In a daze,

The seam widened to half an inch.

she refocused on the photograph. She

watched as the boy’s face seemed

K’s mother struggled down the

EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 32

K found herself underneath

When K’s eyes adjusted, she

Summer/ Issue 38

to grow. With a little forcefulness,

Helical Man never returned. Staircase

his face appeared to pop out of

was still waiting.

the photograph. K watched the

glowing emanation levitate and find

other,” The Helical Boy said. “You

a tidy crevice within the wooden

would need to remain here with me!”

stair structure. The face of the boy

embedded itself into the grain of the

felt herself shrink and flatten. Looking

staircase.

around, she could see she was inside

The boy turned to face K.

“We could look after each

Feeling suddenly powerless, she

a window, glowing with light. Then the

Smiling. “I am Staircase. The Helical

horrible truth dawned on her. It was

Man made these stairs for me.”

not a window at all! She was inside a

photograph, pinned to the wooden

K rubbed her eyes. “Your name

is… Staircase?” she asked, bewildered.

staircase. Beside her was the boy, but

He smiled.

he was no longer emanating light.

“And you were made by who?”

He somehow seemed more real. He

she asked.

“The Helical Man,” the boy said.

The boy who called himself

‘Staircase’ briefly recounted his story.

The maker of the helical stairs had placed the boy here for his own

smiled at her. K watched the boy rise to his feet. He walked towards her, waving at her with the tips of his blackened fingers. She watched as he turned and walked towards the exit door in the staircase. Then he was no

protection. The house had been filled

more.

with a malevolent woman, a woeful

matron who had beat him mercilessly.

it reverberated through the entire

The Helical Man decided to secrete

helical staircase. The she heard a loud

him away in the photograph under

thump above.

the stairs. He said he would return one

day, and that if he didn’t, he would

dealt with mother,” he said sheepishly.

make sure another would. But the

“Now it is just the two of us.”

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K let out such a shriek that

In time, the boy returned. “I’ve

EQUILIBRIUM 33