ISSUE 62 / 2017
>> Bring Back the Joy >> Nature of Forgetting >> Overcoming Despair >> Wellbeing News >> Art, Science & Reviews >> ... and much more!
MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING
Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion 2008
Front cover courtesy of Reimund Bertrams
What Equilibrium means to me‌. WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list and get the magazine four times a year (no spam!) please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium). Equilibrium is devised, created, and produced entirely by team members with experience of the mental health system. Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved. 2011
Graphic Design: Anthony J. Parke
I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together and we were made to feel very welcome. Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy. One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you. Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason is that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people, who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further. Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice. I have been with Equilibrium since 2007 and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoying writing articles, and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year. Angela
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EDITORIAL Welcome to the 62nd edition of Equilibrium. As the new editor of this wonderful magazine, I would like to say how happy I am to join such a great team. Thank you for making my Friday afternoons so enjoyable. I would like to take this opportunity to thank our former facilitator, Kate, for allowing me to shadow her; you, along with Anthony and the rest of the team, all made me feel so incredibly welcome! I wish you the best of luck with your PhD. This edition is a cornucopia of touching contributions, from living with schizoaffective disorder to experiencing the happiness caused by becoming a dog owner. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I have. If you would like to send us your own insights, please see below. Remember: Equilibrium is not possible without you. Namaste. Emily, Editor/Team Facilitator
DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by service users. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk
THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Editorial team: Dev, Angela, Nigel, Richard, Richard.
CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 0208 489 4860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk. We are in the office on Friday afternoons 2.30-4.30, but you can leave a message at other times and we’ll get back to you.
CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos, plus articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.
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Illustrations: Ella Baron ‘There’s a claustrophobia about student life; you work and eat and drink and dance and sleep together. It gives everything a painful intensity. But living back-toback can leave you feeling so alone. I hate hearing the music coming through my neighbour’s wall.’
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Summer/ Issue 38
Wellbeing News Mental Health in Pictures
The Vulnerability of Prince Harry
Ella Baron creates eleven vivid snap-
In April, Prince Harry demonstrated the
shots of how undergraduate students
vulnerable and introspective part of
perceive university milieus. This is a
his personality during an interview with
response to the results released by the
Bryony Gordon. He explained that
Higher Education Statistics Agency
losing his mother had had a signifi-
(HESA) that indicate a 210% increase
cant impact on his mental health,
in dropouts prompted by mental
but twenty years elapsed before he
health issues. Visit the page below
admitted to himself that he needed
to see these gorgeous and thought-
therapeutic intervention. Various
provoking pictures (see left).
mental health professionals have
Read more...
commended this admission, as it has
The Garment Project The Garment Project was formed by
provided others with the strength to ask for the support they need. Read more...
Erin Drischler, who previously suffered with an eating disorder. Inspired by her own experiences, she and Jordan Tomb set up the organisation to help women in similar situations forget about the size of the clothes they wear. By providing said women with clothing items devoid of sizes, the organisation tries to assuage the concerns that may be experienced by women getting over eating disorders.
The Garment Team, Jordan and Erin
Read more...
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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Happy Hour - Bring the Joy Back “The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight” - May Sarton
Natasha Bergg
J
oy is defined in the dictionary as a feeling of pleasure or happiness. We know it’s a
feeling that we like, but, from my experience, it’s elusive: we can’t find the time to do things we enjoy, for example, or we somehow don’t allow ourselves the space to relax and have fun. Sometimes, we even seem to search too hard for it, to no avail. I’ve certainly found that it’s a sneaky feeling that pops up every now and then. It can be a spark that fades almost as it lights up or, occasionally, a more long-lasting feeling. Because how often do we do something, or allow ourselves to do something, for the sheer pleasure of it, particularly in the fast-moving world of a big city? As a freelance artist and educator who has worked on community theatre projects with young people and adults for a number of years and who specialises in a playful approach to workshops, I have the privilege of doing something purely for the fun of it more than most people I know. I have friends and family who work in a variety of different
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professions and who are trying to make a
levels, however open they choose to be
range of different lifestyles work. Recently,
about sharing it.
I’ve noticed that our conversations often
And so I’ve started a new project called
fall upon their feelings of needing a break,
Happy Hour, which is open to adults of all
being just too busy and not being able
ages and is currently running as early even-
to find time and space to do things they
ing workshops. I hope to eventually run
enjoy.
this as a longer course of sessions, where a
Having started Theatre Troupe (http:// www.theatretroupe.org/), a community arts organisation that works with young
small group can get to know each other over an extended period of time. Each session starts with a visual art or
people with acute and complex mental
making activity. Participants don’t need to
health problems, I came to realise that
arrive right at the beginning, so it doesn’t
the successful way in which we’re working
matter if you’re running late. There’s tea
with young people who almost all suffer
and chat, and then we move on to the
from some kind of anxiety could easily
more active part of the session, which
and effectively be applied to working with
usually features some gently imaginative
almost any group in any setting, in order to
exercises that bring participants together
establish a safe, supported space where
in pairs, small groups and the group as
people can relax, connect with others, be
a whole, with the aim of being in the
creative and have fun. It feels almost a bit
moment and…yes, you guessed it, having
selfish to not share this way of working with
fun! This is combined with a few guided
other groups, particularly as many adults
activities around things that you enjoy and
I know experience anxiety at different
exchanging ideas with the group about
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how to get more joy into daily life. The
stopped, and yet the steady beat of
session is brought to a close with a final
her heart carried on, her breath’s regu-
round of tea and a few moments for
lar rhythm gently causing her chest to
reflection, with the option to stay and
rise and fall. She smiled.”
chat for a while. Having done a bit of research around wellness at work, it seems that some companies are taking some really good steps to address the effects that a rapidly changing, often uncertain, urban world is having on their employees. For me, the key to this is to offer play, laughter, a chance
Happy Hour workshops currently take place from 6:30pm – 9:00pm on Wednesday evenings in Clerkenwell at the trial rate of £7.50 per person (£10 for 2 people if you bring a friend). For more information, please email Natasha at bringthejoyback@gmail.com. You can also find out more by visiting bringthejoyback.wordpress.com.
to be in the moment, reflection and a space for face-to-face (rather than electronic) connection with others. This is what I’ve tried to do with Happy Hour. Maybe I’ll see you at a workshop sometime. “And she stood and looked around at the open, friendly smiling faces around her and swam deep in the silence. And she continued to do nothing but stand and look, feeling a sense of connectedness that needed no explanation. The complete stillness of the room made her feel as if time had
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Summer/ Issue 38
Mustard Snarls Emily Sherris
I step through the door, Eyes are filled with “what was that for” Tears. The fears are dervishing within my core, And I try to remember the minutiae that ebb wickedly. That woman: the subject of suspected bluster. I think I shook my head, flustered, But I am au fait with how a murmur may Be akin to the mustard snarls of others. This is what they say. The uncertainty does not make them deplore themselves In the same way. But, I must say, I was flirting with an urge that was hurting my moral compass. The train station id that passengers hunger for. The rush hour surliness that explodes when someone bumps us. When she shoved me to one side, I shied away from fiery “are you blinds?” And in my furious imagination, I relished all kinds of punitive thoughts. But my conscience is fraught: did I say the monstrous words that were in my mind?
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Summer/ Issue 38
Cutting Corners Sandra Poku
W
ill I ever learn? I ask myself
we accept our situation, the sooner
this time and time again. I
we can begin the battle to over-
believe that things come in threes
come it. When I lived in London, I
for a reason, an odd number. No
lived the life of fast living. I rushed to
equal pairing here. My parents had
find work after university, anything
three children, and I am the middle
as long as it was a permanent job.
sibling in the family. However, I
I rushed to buy a car, a flat, all the
didn’t share the unique bond that
grown-up things that are expected
my brother and sister shared. I have
of young Londoners. Yes, I admit I
lived in three places in my time:
felt pressured to live the fast, excit-
London, Liverpool and Poole. I have
ing London life that you hear about
had three long-term relationships,
in the media all the time.
and I have three health conditions
I was constantly on the go. I
that I battle with to this day. They
rushed to work for five days and
are eczema, asthma and the last
spent the weekend sleeping to
illness that I want to share with you.
recharge my flickering batteries.
This illness is not something I can
How long could I keep this up for?
ignore or dismiss. I can’t pretend
Yes, I ignored the warning signs of
it’s not happening. There comes
fatigue, moodiness and loneliness.
a time when you have to accept
Until that Sunday in October
illness. I have learnt that the sooner
2008 when I turned up at my mum’s
cont.
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house, unsure of where I was or who I
no control over what was happen-
was. I went into the kitchen and stared
ing to my mind and body that Sunday
at my mum with a blank expression on
morning. What I did know was that my
my face.
life would never be the same again. I
“Sandra, are you alright?” she asked. I just stared back at her. “Sandra, what’s wrong?” I ran out
was entering a new chapter in life, one month before I turned thirty-five. I was picked up by the police and taken
of the kitchen, out of the front door and
away in an ambulance with an animal
continued to run down the street. I was
cage in the back. I had no idea where
running for my life.
I was going, and I was not able to run
My mum shouted to my sister,
away. I was, however, running away
“Michelle, come quickly! Sandra is not
from my past, my childhood. Soon I
well.”
would be confronted with it all at the
I had an out-of-body experience whilst in my flat; something had left
end of the cage journey. There would be no more wing-
my soul. That afternoon, I would have
ing it, no more unexpected temper
all the answers I needed in my life.
tantrums and unexplained emotional
Answers: isn’t that what we are here
outbursts. For when my road journey
for? We want answers to all kinds of
ended and I had reached my destina-
questions. We live our lives for answers.
tion in the ambulance, thirty-four years
For thirty-four years, I didn’t understand myself, my strange behaviour and intense emotions. I felt like I had
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of unexplained behaviour would finally become clear to me. I would wake up in Mascalls Park, a
Summer/ Issue 38
psychiatric hospital in Brentwood, Essex.
“What about my rights?” I screamed.
I realised that these surroundings would
I soon discovered the power of the
become like a second home to me.
section; in essence, I didn’t have any
Later that week, I would be diagnosed with an illness that would come to dominate my life. Daily medication
rights. The medical staff were in control of my life, and that was the end of it. Fast forward eight years. My diagno-
would distort my appearance and
sis may have changed to schizoaffec-
change how I lived my life. I desperately
tive disorder, but the same battles are
tried to hang onto my size 10 frame
still there. I must stress the importance
and battled to stay awake. My label
of talking to the medical professionals
would no longer be plain and simple
about your experience with the different
Sandra. I was Schizophrenic Sandra and
medications; what works for someone
no amount of arguing with the doctors
might not work for you. After trying four
would change that. As I let the medica-
different medications in eight years, I
tion dissolve in my mouth like a baby
discovered that Quetiapine appears
unable to swallow, I realised that they
to give me the fewest side effects. I am
had turned me into a zombie. I also had
compliant.
to battle with my new-found desire to eat bread every five minutes.
I have finally accepted my diagnosis and have adjusted my life in unimagina-
“I am not schizophrenic,” I pleaded
ble ways to keep out of hospital. I have
with the doctors. They had made a terri-
relocated, changed employment hours
ble mistake. In fact, I wanted to know
and slowed right down in order to go
why I was in hospital in the first place.
back to being plain and simple Sandra.
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Summer/ Issue 38
The Trials of a Dog Owner (The secrets that dogs know) Nigel Prestatyn
L
ooking back over the years, we’ve had twelve dogs in the family. I’m
Rose began as a loan dog. Is loaning a dog even ethical? Every two
not going to inflict all their names on
weeks or so, her mother (human)
you, even though I am sorely tempted.
would allow us to keep Rose for the
These twelve dogs (Chico was one)
weekend. In fact, she would loan Rose
have spanned a forty year period.
to a whole network of friends and
Always ‘family’ dogs. I personally have
family. Rose was a lot for her to handle,
never owned a dog of my own – that
by all accounts. A newly acquired job
is, until Rose walked into our lives two
meant that mum was no longer at
weeks ago. This little shih tzu/ bichon
home through the day. The son, who
frise (yes, I know) has altered our lives
lived with his father part-time, was also
somewhat; perhaps much in the way,
not around enough. That meant Rose
though to a lesser extent (obviously),
was either home alone or being sent to
that a newborn child does. Rose has
multiple surrogate owners (of which we
introduced me to THE GREAT BRITISH
were one).
OUTDOORS! Well, yes, I knew there was
At some point in this loan system,
one out there, but, frankly, I never paid
Rose’s owner comically suggested that
it much attention.
we take ownership of Rose. Let’s put
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 15
this offer into context. This offer coincided
the owners of Rose and entered into an
with our constant searching on animal
extended family of dog lovers – or, more
shelter websites for a dog of our own. Our
specifically, an extended family of Rose
kids wanted a dog. We tried fobbing them
lovers. Every fortnight, when the son returns
off with the lure of a gerbil, but that some-
from his father’s for the weekend, he gets
how didn’t work. We upped the stakes and
to spend quality time with Rose. If they
offered them a cat. This pricked up their
require her more, we parley.
ears mildly, but they weren’t buying it. A
I’m writing this today, because this is
cat just wasn’t a dog. For one, a dog has
the day I have realised just how much
a fully fleshed out personality. Cats don’t.
Rose has positively affected our lives. I’m
They are rudimentary at best, and kids
self-employed. In fact, I’m close to being
know that. And so, our relentless search
a workaholic. Taking a lunch break is
for a cute, little, low-maintenance dog
unheard of for me. But today was differ-
persisted, until rumours of a possible trans-
ent. Today, I took the entire morning off.
ference of ownership began to surface.
Opening the curtains, the sun was shining,
A glitch in these ‘talks’ soon arose. The
beckoning me (after a few overcast days
son loved the dog but, like the mother, was
of drizzling rain). Rose sat there, gawping
never around enough for Rose. This made
at me with doe-like eyes. I actually set off
it unfair on her, and they both knew it. Then
for work. I got in the car. I drove for five
the owners had a eureka moment. One
minutes. And then I thought, Hold on. Why
day, we got a phone call from the son. He
don’t I take Rose for a walk! Go with the
wanted to turn the tables. As a result, we
FEELING...
have become Rose’s new owners, and
We have a lovely nature reserve at
we loan her to them every fortnight for
the back of our flats. A mile or so stretch
the weekend! And this is how we became
of abandoned railway, given over to
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Summer/ Issue 38
dog walkers and joggers. This nature
But she mocked, chased, barked and
reserve runs into an expansive Finsbury
mocked some more. However, she didn’t
Park. One of the drawbacks of having a
know about the creature lurking behind
new dog is getting them to come back.
her. A chocolate Labrador came bound-
These are the hidden stresses of owner-
ing up to her, corralling her into my arms.
ship. We walked for two hours, and then,
Rose needs training. ‘Train or Lose’ is my
in the park, I let her off the lead. Dogs
new dog motto.
are supposed to run free. However, I’ve
This story is about how one little dog
come to realise that letting a dog off the
can change the pattern of a near worka-
lead is far easier than getting a dog back
holic overnight. For my part, I look forward
onto the lead. I suddenly saw visions of
to Rose stealing me away from an envi-
our cute, fluffy furball bolting off into the
ronment which is not a particularly natural
distance…FOREVER. You’ve seen the post- or healthy place to be. I look forward to ers on the trees. She listened attentively to
Rose stealing me away and taking me
my feeble requests for her return.
to the green spaces of London. We are so blessed to have a plethora of beautiful parks and walks in this city, green areas which I don’t tap into as often as I should. I neglect the health benefits of these natural spaces. The outdoors is good for the spirit. No doubt there are a thousand papers dedicated to studies on the subject. Rose knows this, and Rose is teaching me this, too.
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Summer/ Issue 38
DESPAIR This is a personal account of how to overcome very low self-esteem and feelings of despair. J.C.
L
iving through eight years of the
going to drink or take drugs anymore.
horror triggered by childhood
I want to control my thoughts, feelings
sexual abuse brought about many years of despair and no confidence
and my life. From that day onwards, I have
in myself. I had a personality where I
never had a drop to drink or taken
tried to make people like or love me,
any illegal drugs. I realised that,
as I thought that this would make
throughout my life, I was always
my life complete. I also thought that
allowing others to control my
taking drugs and drinking would solve
thoughts and feelings, and this
ALL my problems and pain. However,
included my abusers. The drink and
I found out the hard way that this
drugs were also controlling me.
wasn’t the answer. After twenty years I learned to heal
I had many sessions with some amazing counsellors who allowed me
myself. I woke up one Sunday morn-
to find my voice and take charge of
ing, and the first thought that came
my life. I am not saying every day is
into my head was:
wonderful, because it isn’t, but the one
I am in control of my life and I can decide what I do with it. I am not
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
thought that I do always have is this: I am in charge of my thoughts and life.
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Any form of abuse gives power to the abusers. They have this hidden power of controlling you 24/7. You live your life with these constant lies. You cover everything up, and in the end you don’t know what is real and what isn’t. How many of you are reading this and thinking, No, that’s not me! You won’t leave or you won’t stop drinking. You probably think none of this is relevant. I thought that for years. No, I don’t have a problem. Who was I kidding? My life was a mess and I just didn’t want to see it for what it truly was. I
When you take control of your life and thoughts, you find a new freedom. So, instead of going to get a glass of wine or beer, go into the kitchen and make a cup of tea or coffee. Instead of taking those drugs, go and make a cake or something else that you like. Your abuser will be due home
always thought it had to be my fault,
in a couple of hours, and you are
as though I was the bad person.
starting to get that feeling in your
That was so far from the truth.
stomach. You’re shaking inside, your
I am a great person and I deserve to be happy and loved.
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hands are becoming sweaty and you think that you are being stupid, but
Summer/ Issue 38
you just can’t stop that awful feeling. I
you deserve to live your life without fear
always used to keep a well-hidden bag
or pain.
packed with emergency clothes, just in case. So, the person who is abusing you
Try to look at the good within you. Write down all the good things about yourself. Go and behave like a child
has walked in and is shouting, “Why
again. If it’s raining outside, go and
were you not in when I called you?
jump in puddles of water and feel
Who were you with? I bet you were with
totally free in what you are doing.
that bloke from down the road or talking
Go to the local park and play on the
to your stupid friends on Facebook!” As
swings.
the person comes towards you, just say, “I need to go to the toilet.” The next decision is going to be hard to make straightaway. Instead of going to the bathroom, walk out the front
You are an exceptional person and there are things you are really good at. Believe in yourself and not the negative comments you have been living with. This is only the start of the journey,
door and leave. Try to find the strength
but if you believe in yourself, you will
to walk away. Find some protection:
make great progress. You will start to
friends, family or even the police.
heal your life.
You will be thinking, I shouldn’t have
The main thing to remember is this:
done that. They will be after me and it
I am a good person and I am in control
is my fault.
of my life.
It is not your fault. You are a good person. You deserve to be happy, and
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
Good luck and just believe this is the first day of your life.
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The Nature of Forgetting PRESS RELEASE
F
ollowing a sell-out run at the 2017 London
and inspired by interviews and workshops
International Mime Festival, Theatre Re’s
with organisations, such as the Alzheimer’s
The Nature of Forgetting is a powerful, explo-
Society. While the medium of performance
sive and joyous piece about what is left when
may be an unusual resource for the transmis-
memory and recollection are gone. It is part
sion of science, it shines a light on issues around
of British Council Edinburgh Showcase 2017.
memory that offers a new perspective.
Tom has just turned 55. As he dresses for
Director Guillaume Pigé comments: The
his birthday party, tangled threads of disap-
Nature of Forgetting is not about dementia.
pearing memories spark him into life, unrav-
It is about the fragility of life and that eternal
elling as a tale of friendship, love and guilt.
‘something’ we all share that is left when
This ambitious project with actors, mimes and
memory is gone. Our collaboration with
musicians has been created in collaboration
Professor Kate Jeffery and our interviews with
with UCL Neuroscience Professor Kate Jeffery
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people living with dementia and their carers
Summer/ Issue 38
have resulted in a life-affirming journey into
poignant work. Its shows examine fragile
a weakening mind, where broken does
human conditions in a compelling, physi-
not have to mean defeated. The development process for The
cal style, embracing mime, theatre and live music.
Nature of Forgetting lasted for 16 months, funded by Arts Council England. The piece is co-commissioned by the London
Pleasance Courtyard (Forth), 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh, EH8 9TJ
International Mime Festival, The Point and South Hill Park. Established in 2009, Theatre Re is a London-based international ensemble, creating thought-provoking, tangible and
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
Thursday 3rd – Sunday 27th August 2017 (not 14th), 12:00 www.chloenelkinconsulting.com @TheatreRe, #Thenatureofforgetting, @ThePleasance
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Summer/ Issue 38
DEPRESSION Ricky Writes
C
linical depression. Dr Weekes
dose. I was on amitriptyline and was told,
calls this ‘depletion’, as that word
“It’s an old drug, but it works for you.” I
suggests the body can ‘replete’ itself
was weaned off it many years ago when
and doesn’t sound as fatalistic as the
I no longer needed it.
word ‘depression’, which has a terrible reputation. She says depletion is an illness like
Occupation in the company of others is a major crutch. You can go downhill if you’re not with other people; it helps
influenza is an illness, and nature is wait-
even if you’re in a cafe or library and not
ing to heal one as heal the other, if you
interacting with others. If you can’t get
let her. That is acceptance. Don’t make it
suitable paid work or you are unable to
worse - this is very easy to do. It can take
go to a day or evening class, some form
a while for nature to take its course.
of voluntary work may be helpful to you
As a psychiatrist said to me: It will come and go during different times of the year and then eventually go altogether.
(as well as others) or drop-ins and day centres. It comes through thrashing a flat emotional battery, i.e. going over the
Anti-depressants are a very helpful
same emotions repeatedly, adversely.
crutch, but you need to be prescribed
A psychologist told me that anxiety
the one that works for you, and the right
can get worse when depletion goes, as it
cont.
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EQUILIBRIUM 25
acts as a cushion. Depression is you: it’s not the world
make reparations if you want, but you should stop yourself feeling guilty.
that’s so terrible. Setbacks are part
That’s it in a nutshell, but he obviously
of recovery. If you’re feeling washed
elaborates in his book.
out and drained, negative thoughts
I’ve found that very small things
are bad and you feel you want to be
and incidents can cheer me up when
somewhere different, the treatment I
I’m down, such as ‘please, thank you
was advised to pursue is a change of
and sorry’ from other people when,
scene taken as a holiday. It’s difficult to
for example, holding a door open for
get up and go, but as soon as you’re
them or getting a smile from someone.
away you feel better. Lasts two or three
Incidentally, if you see someone not
weeks.
smiling, give them one of yours if you
The ‘feeling unhappy sort’
can! There is a country and western
I found the Sheldon Press book
song called ‘Happiness’ and includes
‘DEPRESSION’ by Dr Paul Hauck very helpful. He lists three main causes of depression:
the words: “Happiness is what you make it; don’t try too hard. Happiness is where
1) Self-pity: feeling sorry for yourself.
you find it; don’t look too hard. Make
(Incidentally, Dr Weekes says, “There
the most of every day, even if in your
must be no self-pity for one’s nervous
heart.”
illness, and that means no self-pity.”)
Exercise is helpful: it doesn’t cure
2) Other-pity: feeling sorry for other
but can clear the head and bring you
people.
out of yourself if you need a ‘bit of
3) Self-blame or guilt: you blame your-
oomph’.
self for things that have gone wrong. He says you should admit your guilt and
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Praying then writing down a problem and/or talking about it can be
Summer/ Issue 38
helpful. Talking in general can be
Some may advocate a stay at Aunt
helpful. Concentration can also be
Maude’s, who lives in a cottage at the
difficult with depression and the
far end of a valley, turn left and at the
personality seeming to be in pieces.
far end of another valley. The peace
It’s a nuisance but part and parcel of
and solitude may fix Mary but not quite
the condition, and the worry of it isn’t
the way you want Mary fixed! It can
so bad if you accept it as such. As Dr
be better for a depressed person to be
Weekes says: “If you can read only
in a busy cafe with all the distractions
a little then read only a little.” It can
of comings and goings to take their
improve somewhat when you’re more
mind off themselves from time to time.
together, and that comes, as said,
Having something to look forward
from doing something practical, exer-
to, or a routine you like, can be a help
cise and being with other people.
in pulling you forward.
Further comments Occupation in the company of others. It’s obviously got to be something you’re capable of doing, but
On the other hand, keeping an appointment can be an absolute nightmare! If you need a holiday, staying with
nervously ill people can do quite a lot
a friend/relation or at a youth hostel
if they’re allowed to get on at their
(you don’t need to be young!) will
own pace, without a pair of critical
save money.
eyes looking over them. Doing something distracts you and
As a good psychiatrist once said to me: “Yes, sleeplessness, symptom
takes your mind off yourself from time
of depression!” Every so often, I go to
to time, even if it’s only, as Dr Weekes
bed at a normal time but can’t get to
says, to criticise the office girl’s new
sleep until 3 or 3.30 in the morning.
hairstyle!
If you’re awake and it is not worry-
cont.
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ing or undue anxiety causing it, then
illness can be useful practice in getting
knowing sleeplessness is a symptom and
self-management.
normal in the circumstances means you don’t worry about not being able to get to sleep. It’s a nuisance, but I just lie in bed as best I can and wait for sleep to come. Half the time you don’t realise you’re
You can feel brighter late at night and think you’ve turned the corner and then wake with the same head of lead in the morning. Don’t pray to be better when you wake: pray to accept your-
flat or unhappy or lack the oomph until
self as you find yourself when you wake.
you come back out of it!
One morning, it’ll change, and you will
Coping with depression and nervous
feel brighter.
ARMADILLOS Barbara Smith
My face is lying in the waste bin on a tissue full of lies. My outer skin is in the closet being eaten by the flies. And as I lie here like a turtle that’s been ripped out of its shell, I imagine all the women going through this living hell. The soft and pulpy creatures underneath the hard gloss covers Who have learned to be crustaceans from their armadillo mothers. And I decide that, from tomorrow, when I wake to face the morning, I will burn all my protection…and wear black for it in mourning.
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PHOTOGRAPHY: JO COCKLIN
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Mandelstam by The Fence Poem by György Faludy Translated from Hungarian and edited by Thomas Ország-Land
György Faludy (1910-2006), a JewishHungarian humanist, was a towering figure of 20th century European literature and a dominant voice of the anti-Soviet and anti-Nazi resistance. His work in English translation is just beginning to take its rightful place in the bookshops, lecture halls and libraries of the West. He spent some of his most fruitful writing years in exile as well as political imprisonment, where he had to entrust many of his poems – including the piece below – to memory. His work is once again heavily ignored by the servile Hungarian literary establishment under the country’s current authoritarian rule. However, the city of Toronto has adopted Faludy as its own poet and named after him a park beneath the apartment where he had spent fourteen years of his exile. In Britain, Faludy’s memoir of resistance to the Nazis and imprisonment by the Communists, My Happy Days in Hell, is published as a Penguin Modern Classic. The poet Osip Mandelstam (1891-1938), another Jewish humanist, was murdered during Stalin’s purges in his native Russia, where his work is at last widely read.
O
sip, you made me jump… Here I was squatting near to the barbed wire fence that runs along
the edge of this autumn woodland nearly bereft of foliage, by the bed of a purple spring, where I shed my role as a prisoner as soon as I bent over the carpet of leaves beside my knees. What wealth, what plenitude of colours and shades! The melancholy brown of the horse-chestnut leaves
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stretched out, their wrinkles straightened out, reshaped by the smothering-iron of time, disintegrating already in places but held together still by networks of threadlike blood vessels. Lying supine, the leaves of oak trees still retained their spots of green and red, reminders of bygone youth and age, and here and there their surfaces blistering like thickening porridge stirred on a cooking stove, perhaps protesting the end of their sailing days or mourning their flight with every passing breeze. And then‌ two tiny leaves bent and conjoined and shaped like flower petals or maybe a barge, one ochre-yellow and the other pink; they must have fallen prematurely – but from where? That leafless bush, I guessed, five paces away, the one hardly taller than a dove. I gently picked the pink one by two fingers but did not sense a substance held between them. Such leaves do not disintegrate, I mused, they surely would evaporate tonight. ‌And also hard and oval little leaves, and others coloured like a bacon rind, and tar-streaked, lemon-yellow leaves, like bygone imperial flags, shed by a wild pear tree. The other leaves did not expose the surface of mass destruction; many twisted up to take the shape of tidy cigar wrappers, or cylinders or tubes or mini-mummies. I touched one; it rolled down along the slope towards the shallow basin of the spring, and many others fell in line behind it until they stopped and huddled. Then I bent down over their communal grave once more,
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inhaled the heady, sylvan scent of death and I rose. The sky was blue; the Evening Star shone through the branches. Even here, I sighed, I am surrounded by such gifts of splendour, and that was when I saw you standing there, you, Osip Mandelstam. Beside the fence you stood in your short jacket and a hat. The barbed wire fence was visible through your body. Your face was very pale and fresh and calm. I knew that you would visit me. How often I’d thought of you, at home, in bed, when I lay drenched in sweat and tried to calm myself by stroking my cool walls with my damp hands! And how many times on my straw mattress here when I am woken by the howl of bloodhounds! Our destiny is one. We’ve much in common… I do not like to bring this up, it may sound bragging. Still, we two, and we two alone, have dared to raise our voice in public poetry to challenge Stalin in his own domain. Why did you frown? I know we were not brave (I take the liberty of speaking for you as we have shared one fate), we were not brave. No, we were scared when we conceived our poems and trembled while committing them to words, and we grew really desperate when the works were finished and we found that they’d become integral parts of us, our flesh, our bones… Our images scared us from every mirror, our constant fear drained out our very life-force, and, at our desks, we sat with shaking ankles,
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imagining them dangling in the air. You raised your arm… what would you like to add? I know. That this was very far from all. That we were not just frightened, that we also distributed our poetry, risking all, perhaps as we perceived a hundred signs that – verse or no verse – we would disappear, whatever we would do or fail to do, not just for what we wrote but who we were. And we were not just scared, we were delighted that some had at long last described our Genghis, our linguist with the moustache of a cockroach, the father of the nations gulping sickly red Georgian wines upon a throne set high on corpses… this our arid walking death, whose orgasms explode not in his flesh but in his cruel, calculating skull. But why do I go on about the living when you and I have so much more to say as one corpse to another?... Or are you alive in far Siberia in a camp, composing verse after your dreadful daily load of labour? How can you bear it? Or have you surrendered? Have you been beaten, worked or frozen to death? Why don’t you answer? Then the bell was sounded – time for inspection, and I had to run at once to try to make up for my absence. Occasionally, I looked back. I thought he might be gone. But no. He stood before the fence in his short jacket and his hat, barbed wire visible across his torso. (Recsk slave labour camp, Hungary, 1951)
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