ISSUE 65, 2018
• • • • • •
Time Credits Mindfulness Holistic Benefits of Therapy Navigating Your Way Out of a Crisis Sugar & Depression Wellbeing News
MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING
Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion, 2008
What Equilibrium means to me‌. WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list to get the magazine four times a year (no spam!) please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium). Equilibrium is devised, created, and produced entirely by team members with experience of the mental health system. Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved 2011.
Graphic Design: Anthony J. Parke
I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together and we were made to feel very welcome. Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy. One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you. Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason is that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people, who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further. Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice. I have been with Equilibrium since 2007 and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoyed writing articles, and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year. Angela
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EDITORIAL Hello, readers, and welcome to the spring issue of Equilibrium Magazine. It is both incredible and strange to think that we are nearly halfway through 2018. As always, our awareness and knowledge of mental health and, of course, mental ill-health, is constantly developing and expanding. For example, new research has shown that 50% of recently bereaved individuals feel obligated to go back to work, and 40% experience isolation in the workplace following bereavements Link. In this issue, we have included articles detailing both the effects of excessive sugar consumption on mental health and the intricacies of different therapeutic models. We have also included a superb selection of creative contributions that deal with subjects like the intensity of the artistic mission and the desire for warmth and compassion. As always, I would like to thank our hardworking and talented writers; you are the heart of Equilibrium. I hope you enjoy reading the contributions presented in this edition. Be well and happy reading. Namaste. Emily, Editor/Team Facilitator
DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by service users. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Any material that has been reprinted is, as far as we know, in the public domain. If you have any concerns about anything printed within Equilibrium, please contact the team via the email below. Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk
THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Editorial team: Dev, Angela, Nigel, Richard, Richard.
CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 0208 489 4860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk.
CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos and articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.
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3
Time Credits EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 4
Summer/ Issue 38
“There were many reasons why I first began volunteering. As someone who suffers from social anxiety disorder and depression, I wanted to find a way to combat it head-on, but in an environment where I felt comfortable. I also wanted to gain new skills that could help me
A
t first, I was unaware of Time Credits when I decided to
become a volunteer; they are defi-
towards one day finding a
nitely an amazing incentive to keep
job.�
going.
Charlie
be extremely isolating. Those of us
Suffering from a mental illness can who are often look for a safe space, a place they can be free from the stigma. I found that safe space at the Clarendon Recovery College. Although I was extremely nervous about attending at first, my anxiety eventually gave way as I quickly found that the people were warm and welcoming. I was able to go from rarely leaving the house to signing up for a range of short courses. This
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included everything from the intrigu-
earn Time Credits. Time Credits give
ing debates of philosophy to the fun
you access to countless opportunities
and supportive exercise classes to
around London for free. This means I
more creative and sociable subjects
have been able to experience things
such as knitting and beading. The
that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’ve
courses were definitely an enjoyable
lived in London my whole life but had
and helpful first step in improving
never truly explored it. However, this
my mental and physical health. I still
past summer, thanks to Time Cred-
attend some courses and have been
its, I was able to treat myself and my
able to gain new hobbies through
cousin to a trip around London. This
beading, where I’ve been allowed
included a hilarious and informative
to go from simple beading to wire-
guided tour of the Tower of London
work to chain maille. I am now able
by a Yeoman Warder; a climb up the
to make a range of jewellery through
three hundred and eleven steps of
the supportive guidance of the
the Great Fire of London Monument,
instructor.
which was rewarded by an amazing
Once I got comfortable, I decided view; a boat ride across the Thames to challenge myself further by
River with the Thames Clippers; and a
volunteering at the Hideaway Café
visit to see inside the stunning St Paul’s
located inside the college. I started
Cathedral. This was all paid for with
as a kitchen assistant and then
Time Credits, which meant a trip that
became a cashier and barista when
could have cost upwards of £100 was
my confidence grew. As I continued
completely free! And yet we had only
to gain courage, meet new people
scratched the surface of the incred-
and gain new skills, I was also able to
ible opportunities available to us.
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Summer/ Issue 38
One of the best things about volunteering is the ability to meet new people and socialise. Time Credits has allowed me to organise fun trips with fellow volunteers, e.g. seeing a film at one of the cinemas that accepts them. I also plan to continue looking after my physical wellbeing by joining a gym that accepts the Credits. I know many people who have benefited immeasurably from receiving Time Credits and have used them to pay for courses around London, join self-defence classes or even attend one of the outings organised by Spice, including quiz nights and exploring Kew Gardens. If anyone is on the fence about volunteering, I would definitely recommend it, not only for the benefit of working with amazing people while giving back to your community, but to gain access to all the opportunities afforded to us by Spice Time Credits.
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SONG THE UNSUNG
Wendy Walters
“Most men lead lives of quiet despera-
you have no currency. Against a back-
tion and go to their graves with their
drop of such prejudice, how do you
song unsung.” Henry David Thoreau
find the courage to ‘sing your own
But how to sing a song that has no
song’? You’d have to be crazy.
value in a world hobbled by numeri-
Never in human history has there
cal quantification, where everything is
been more emphasis placed on mental
measured against an inflated stand-
illness and more willingness to ‘cure’
ard – your bank account, age, weight,
it. But what if mental illness is a sane
height, IQ. All must meet an invisible
response to an insane world? What
bar, and if you fall below the bar (or
if the pursuit of your own song is the
above in the case of weight and age)
sanest thing you can do with your life?
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Summer/ Issue 38
I have depression, anxiety and a mild
a few people owning more than half
form of Asperger syndrome. My life is
the world’s wealth while billions starve.
ordered around the chaos of my imagi-
And worst of all, humanity is brain-
nation, which leads me into unknown
washed into obedience by a daily
worlds. And I follow, because I trust my
invective of death, war and disasters.
imagination more than I trust reality,
The media-induced panic proliferated
and herein lies the key to the myriad
every hour on the hour keeps human-
triggers that contract my conscious-
ity in a constant state of low-grade fear,
ness into despair, anxiety or depres-
and anyone who sings his own song is
sion. From where I sit, I think the world is
suspect.
insane. I see a world addicted to drama and twisted into reactive vengeance. People never question the decisions of politicians who lead them into conflict. They never question the rightness of
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“I put my heart and soul into my work, and I have lost my mind in the process.” Vincent Van Gogh. Vincent sang his own song, and today
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we celebrate his genius. The crazy man
date one traveller at a time. The roads
is dead. And now that the progenitor
less travelled are steep and lonely but
of Irises and Starry Night is safely silent,
oh, the view.
we are free to rhapsodise over his
In the centre of our galaxy, there
legacy and romanticise his suffering.
is a black hole – a collapsed star with
But would we have lent him money for
a gravitational force so profound
paints had he come knocking? Would
it consumes everything around it –
we have spurned his rather excessive
ingesting entire galaxies for its own
love? Probably. Passionate people are
sustenance. The black hole regards
difficult to be around. They have this
its surrounding magnificence – stars,
pesky dedication to excellence that
planets, comets and light – as its due
makes the non-achiever look slack and
and raids freely. Black holes are at the
incompetent. Who needs it?
heart of almost every galaxy. They will
We do. If we are to find meaning
be their destruction. However, before
and purpose in life, we need to sing
the greedy sucker gluts the feast, we
our own song, set ourselves challenges
are treated to a stream of exuber-
that defy gravity and follow paths so
ant light that outpaces anything
narrow they can only safely accommo- known – the quasar’s light show. The
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Summer/ Issue 38
by-product of rampant consumerism
bright is this by-product of consumption
is exquisite, apposite light. I posit that
that it defines the culture it outshone.
society has a black hole mentality. The
Galleries, bookshelves, walls and minds
super-rich amass more than they can
are illuminated by Art, Thought, Wisdom
consume in a lifetime and are lauded
and Love.
as high achievers, while the poor are
These are the values we acquire at
dismissed as losers. Do we feel inade-
a distance, but the progenitors suffer
quate by comparison? We’re supposed
the pangs of non-acceptance at close
to. People who do well are generally
range, crazy–mad with excitement and
regarded as successful. People who
perplexity as they follow the uncharted
own nothing and have low-paying
paths of pure imagination rather than
jobs are generally regarded as losers.
the mainstream routes trodden into ruts
Van Gogh and Mozart were both losers
by generations of followers.
by that measure. And crazy. But they
Not everyone is born with genius,
shone so brightly we still admire the light
but, rest assured, it is acquired at the
they left behind. In fact, when the dust
apex of the road less travelled, and it is
of past civilisations settles, art, music
worth the risk. Even if it is crazy.
and literature is all the light we see. So
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Navigating Your Way Out of a Mental Health Crisis Charlotte Underwood
There may be a time in your life, if there hasn’t been already, when the world becomes so heavy and overwhelming that you lose control of your own independence...
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Summer/ Issue 38
... Your body may start to ache and
When you feel out of control of your
feel like gravity’s pulling down weights
own mind, when suicidal thoughts
attached to your limbs. Your heart
and ideas of self-harm become all-
may feel laboured, and each breath
consuming, when you are an immedi-
can feel like swallowing something
ate risk to yourself and, on some occa-
sharp.
sions, others, that is generally what is
It’s a very difficult experience to go through, because that is a part of
known as a mental health crisis. I’ve been in crisis a handful of
you that still wants to live, to get better
times before. The first time was hard,
and not let the black dog take that
because I did not understand mental
last little bit of hope away from you.
health. I’d never heard of depres-
However, when you feel so mentally
sion or suicide before, at least not out
and physically exhausted that you feel
of the movies. I remember feeling so
unable to think or move, that’s when
angry at the world and so confused
death can start to seem like the only
about who I was. I felt like I was the
option.
unluckiest person in the world and that
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EQUILIBRIUM 13
the universe had a personal vendetta
squirm. On the Thursday I was due to
against me.
head to my college course, but I knew
I did not seek help when it first
I was at my limit, so I called a local
happened, mainly because I didn’t
mental health team who had seen
know that that was an option, and I
me a month previously to assess me
couldn’t bear to tell my parents and
for psychosis. I was scared, because I
risk their disappointment. Once I took
hate making phone calls, but I pushed
an overdose, and I could feel my body
myself to dial that number. I needn’t
getting cold, my head going a bit fuzzy
have worried, because I was offered so
and then falling asleep. When I woke
much support. They calmed me down
up, I was so disappointed.
and also gave my husband advice.
However, I am still here. Despite the
They then told me to come in and said
fact that my last crisis was only a few
that what I was feeling was valid. I had
months ago, I have been doing very
been through a lot and I really needed
well in myself and have been seek-
to hear that.
ing help. The truth is that recovery
I was then taken to A&E, where
will never be linear, and a crisis can
I was seen by the crisis team. They
happen to anyone at any time, so it
spoke to me about my thoughts and
doesn’t make you a failure if you feel
feelings, and we put a plan in place. I
like you are struggling.
was then kept under watch, with visits
The crisis started on a Monday. I
every other day from the team for two
noticed I was feeling very tired. Then,
weeks. By the end of these visits, I was
over the next few days, I became with-
in a calmer place, because I had been
drawn. I got angry at little things. I had
listened to, and I had an outlet.
no focus, and if my husband touched me even slightly it would make me
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I will soon start therapy, which will hopefully prevent me from falling into
Summer/ Issue 38
another crisis. My head is thoroughly
I feel safe in my own skin. I have no
above water, and it’s been smooth
desire to harm myself or end my life.
sailing for a little while now, but it has
Sometimes, when we let thoughts
been hard work to keep afloat. A crisis may build up over time, or it may happen suddenly. It is so important that you learn your own signs and symptoms so that you can call for help before your life is at risk. I did this, and, though I was nervous to seek help, I am so glad I did. During a crisis, you should not overwhelm yourself. I took it very easy and focused on my recovery. I tried to rest
fester, a crisis can creep up on you, so being productive is important. You need to make sure you have no time to allow negative thoughts to manifest. I myself will clean, write and jump about on the trampoline in my living room. I am not constantly doing things, but I am doing enough to distract and change my mindset. I want to let readers know that life
my body and mind, as attending lots
is not hard, but what you are feeling
of events and making plans can cause
is valid, and the physical pain is just a
a drop in mood. During this time, it is vital to remember that it is okay to say no, that you can take time off work or education. Your life is more important than anything else. I now work hard to maintain a stable mood. I am never in a really
response to the stress. A therapist once told me that mental health is in everyone; we all just deal with it differently, and that’s important to remember. You are not a failure or a problem. Mental health can be managed, and you
good mood, but neither have I felt low
can live your life to whatever full you
for a while. I’m just sort of in a blank
desire.
state, but it is not a bad feeling, and
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The Holistic Benefits of
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Summer/ Issue 38
Therapy ASTHARTE DE LOS SANTOS
T
here are different ways to deal
psychologist, that assists us in navigating
with the stressors of life. One of the
through life.
oldest and most effective ways is by
The word ‘holistic’ is defined by a
talking about those stressors, which is
practice that not only addresses the
what most of us consider to be thera-
physical problem of mental illness or
peutic. Sometimes these stressors are
diagnosis but, rather, tends to look at the
caused by everyday life situations or by
individual as a whole. It takes into consid-
a deeper reason, and talking about it
eration a balance of the mind and body
always seems to work. We usually have
in order to ultimately improve wellbeing.
a person we trust when we are feeling
It is an alternative form of client treat-
down, stressed or need advice. Some
ment that can help with a range of
of us even see a mental health profes-
ailments. By looking at the individual as a
sional, such as a therapist, counsellor or
whole, many factors can be considered,
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EQUILIBRIUM 17
e.g. lifestyle and diet. These things can
however, therapy can become an
affect mental health. Slowly develop-
additional tool to help individuals that
ing new habits and becoming more in
are undergoing psychiatric treatment.
tune with yourself will lead to greater self-awareness. For people who struggle with
Many consider alternatives to traditional therapy, such as yoga, massage therapy and meditation. For some,
mental illness, it can be quite challeng-
these practices facilitate the release
ing to deal with everyday life stressors,
of negative energy and stress by help-
so a therapist who can help the indi-
ing individuals find newer, more natu-
vidual learn better coping skills may be
ral, ways to cope. There are also those
the best approach. For the most part,
who consider spirituality and believe
I find therapy to be quite useful in my
talking to a pastor or priest may bring
life. As I heal from my past, I embrace
about a sense of comfort.
my present and focus on my future.
Most of these practices are well-
That’s what I’ve found in therapy; it
regarded and accepted, but, in some
allows me to be more receptive to a
cases, your mental health needs might
different perspective and reinforces
require more traditional types of ther-
the positive things I have going for
apy, which is also a great option. The
myself.
main focus of therapy is to provide the
I do see how therapy on its own
client with a non-judgmental environ-
can be an effective way of dealing
ment where they can work through
with problems you may be facing.
their problems. Most types of therapy
Used in combination with medication,
have the same goal, which is to help
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Summer/ Issue 38
the client see what the underlying issue is and work towards an agreed goal. The types of therapy out there vary and are recognisable by the techniques used by the mental health professional. Psychoanalytic therapy, also known as ‘talk therapy’, encourages the individual to speak about their problems without being judged. Being offered empathy by the provider allows individuals to speak freely about their feelings in a safe environment. Founded by Freud, its main goal is to help individuals see how their childhood events and unconscious feelings contribute to their mental health issues or maladaptive behaviour. The client sits on the couch, and the mental health professional begins the session by prompting the client to think of a happy or a sad moment in their childhood. They then attempt to find a connection between these memories and situ-
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 19
ations in the present, whilst helping the
together for support and encourage-
client resolve these issues through self-
ment. Most groups have guidelines to
awareness. This type of therapy is recom-
abide by. This creates a safe place
mended for long-term illnesses such as
where individuals struggling with the
mood disorders like depression and bipo-
same problems can relate to one
lar disorder. It gives the client more clarity
another. These groups are mostly organ-
and helps them deal with the everyday
ised by facilitators that usually
struggles caused by their illness, thus
have experience
encouraging better coping skills.
as clients. This
Cognitive or behavioural therapy
set-up is ideal
helps individuals target a specific behav-
for those
iour by encouraging different thought
who
patterns, which in turn lead to a more
strug-
realistic way of thinking and discourage
gle with
faulty or dysfunctional behaviour.
drug
By changing their thought patterns,
addic-
clients can free themselves from issues
tion,
like phobias or anxiety. Usually, the
alcohol-
provider gives the client homework or
ism and
a task to work through that enables the
other mental
client to work themselves out of their
illnesses. Being
fears.
part of a group
Group therapy allows clients to come
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where there is no
Summer/ Issue 38
judgement and where participants
There are many therapeutic ways in
are usually going through similar issues
which you can deal with your personal
can be quite helpful. They usually get
struggles. Just make sure the one you
together at a scheduled time, either
choose is the right one for you. Only
weekly or monthly, and relate their
you can determine which therapy can
personal experiences to each other.
help you rise above your issues and
This helps listeners feel a sense of
address them accordingly.
hope that one day they may also live healthy
I leave you with this‌
lives and that they are not going through their problems alone. It can also become a great
giving yourself time to heal. You will move forward; just know all it
way to
takes is an active and
social-
willing participant to
ise and meet new people.
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Be kind to yourself by
make therapy work in a truly holistic manner.
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Mindfulness
Be Here, Now
Barbara Smith
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H
ardly a day passes where we do
is offered by many health centres and
not come across this term in refer-
therapeutic organisations across the
ence to its therapeutic value for a
globe.
myriad of mental health issues or as a
Broken down to its simplest form,
tool to aid spiritual growth and under-
however, it can just mean focusing on
standing.
the task at hand. How often do we
But what is mindfulness? Contrary
rush through our daily tasks and chores,
to what it implies, it actually involves
our minds racing to the next thing
the practice of emptying the mind of
before we’ve even completed what
everything, relaxing the body, focusing
we’re doing? How often do you find
solely on the sensations within (includ-
yourself on ‘autopilot’, with barely any
ing the breath) and remaining in this
memory of driving to a place? Have
meditative state long enough to regain
you ever done the shopping and then
a sense of calm and equilibrium.
realised that your mind is already on
This ancient Buddhist practice has
the next thing? Have you ever sat in
gathered much attention in the West
front of a screen where an hour has
in recent times, not least because of
passed, and you have no recollection
the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, a professor
of what you read or watched?
of medicine and practising Buddhist,
The stresses and strains of our daily
who created the Mindfulness-Based
lives contribute to this mindless way of
Stress Reduction (MBSR) programme. It
being, and it may seem that we are
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never really able to enjoy being in the
surface of each bubble…..feel how
moment nor feel happy and content
light the frothy foam is against our
to be so. In fact, this may become so
skin..…smell the fresh lemony/piney
habitual that even the things we really
fragrance of the soap…..hear the
value and are passionate about lose
bubbles popping softly on the surface
their appeal and become less enjoy-
of the water…..then, we take the cup,
able over time. We find ourselves not
carefully removing all trace of this
bothering to engage in these pastimes
morning’s coffee…..see how clean it
and begin to lose our joy and enthusi-
is? You get the picture…
asm for life. How do we regain a more moment-to-moment awareness? Let’s take a moment to become
You may wonder how spending a little extra time doing this can be beneficial, but gradually extending this
mindful in our daily routine. You know
mindfulness to ALL areas of your life,
how we all LOVE to do the washing-
and just being FULLY present in each
up? Yeah, right….. But let’s say we fill
moment, can really enhance your abil-
the sink with warm soapy water, marvel
ity to keep stress at bay. You are not
at the comforting feeling of having
allowing negative thoughts to intrude
our hands immersed in warm water-
on your focused mind, which enables
observe closely the delicate shades
you to really enjoy just being here,
of pink, blue, green and purple on the
now.
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Summer/ Issue 38
RICKY WRITES I thought I’d share with you this poem that I have seen on sympathy cards and have heard read out at funerals. I find it very comforting and moving and hope you do as well.
All is Well
Henry Scott Holland
Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you, Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, Speak to me in the same easy way which you always did. Put no difference into your tone, Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow, Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was, Let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am just waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. If you would like to read more of Ricky’s insights on mental health, please follow the link: http://www.mindinharingey.org.uk/blog-richard.asp#.WvDPG5ch2Uk
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You Put on That
Uniform Amy Tynan
Let’s reduce Stigma together, I promise us patients will remember it forever. It can happen to anyone. Yes, anyone. Maybe YOUR mum, Or even your son. You put on that uniform, Please don’t transform. You’re still you. The one that smiles at your child, Checks on your mum and has fun. Please, Nurse, tell me your name. You know mine. Talk to me, Help me to feel fine. I know you’re busy, but a smile doesn’t take any time. That one small thing to you, That you would have forgotten about, Is massive to me. Shall I ask for a cuppa tea? Or will they say, “I’m not free”?
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Summer/ Issue 38
She looks scary, Should I be wary? She seems nice, She made eye contact. It’s such a shame, I don’t know her name. What do you see when you look at me? When you switch off the light and say, “Goodnight”. Forget the day, go home and play. I’m still left alone now you are home. That smile could have helped me by a mile. It’s a job for you but a life for me. I wish you would see the real me, Not the mask that’s taken years to grasp. See me, wave, nod or smile, Or even do them all at the same time. So please, Nurse, when you next walk past, Think how much your impressions will last.
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No Added Sugar to Your
Depression EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 28
Summer/ Issue 38
Liv Johannesson
M
ost of us have a sweet tooth,
increased risk of developing depres-
that one thing we can’t resist.
sion and anxiety. There is also an
For my part, it’s chocolates. If you are
increased risk of recurring depres-
battling depression, you might want
sion. Habitual sugar intake has the
to work a little harder to resist those
potential to alter our brain function
sugar cravings. In an article published
and increase the risk of inflamma-
by Food Pharmacy on their blog in
tion. In 2016, Dr Malcom Preet, a Brit-
October 2017, two studies published
ish psychiatric researcher, explained
earlier that year showed a direct link
that sugar suppresses a key growth
between sugar and depression.
hormone in the brain that triggers the
One study done within the MooD-
growth of new connections between
FOOD project, sponsored by the
neurons (How excessive sugar hurts
EU to investigate the correlation
our physical and mental health,
between food and psychological
Irish Examiner). This growth hormone
diseases, shows that those who eat
is lower in people suffering from
67g of sugar per day have a 23%
depression and schizophrenia, while
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 29
the nature of these conditions often
from my diet. It’s easy enough to cut
make sufferers less mindful of what
out sweets, juices, soda drinks and
they eat. One should also bear in
cake, but once you start turning all
mind that sugar has an addiction-like
packaged food and drinks upside
effect.
down to read the ingredients list, you
The SUN study from Spain saw the
realise how common sugar really
same increased risk of depression
is. This is a problem for people with
for those that consumed more than
diabetes but also for the rest of us
60g of sugar each day. This included
who want to avoid sugar. Go ahead
hidden sugars from common edibles
and have a look at your favourite
such as ready-made meals. The
sauces, ready-meals or breakfast
NHS recommends a daily intake
cereal. Chances are that sugar is
of no more than 30g. In Britain, we
one of the first ingredients on the list;
consume twice that recommenda-
that is, sugar is one of the main ingre-
tion on average; that is to say, we
dients. When you know what you’re
are right on the borderline of putting
looking for, you can also spot all the
ourselves at risk of depression. At the
hidden sugars, e.g. dextrose, fruit
same time, depression is predicted
sugar, glucose, starch syrup, glucose
to be a leading cause of disability by
syrup, etc.
2030. You can read more about how
The good news is that the SUN
the SUN study came about in the
study saw that those who eat
Oxford University Press, International
wholemeal and carbohydrates
Journal for Epidemiology, Volume 35,
high in good quality fibres reduce
Issue 6, December 2006.
their risk of depression by 30%. To
In 2015, I started avoiding sugar,
quote nutritionist Mary Carmody
although, even before that, I went
(also mentioned in How excessive
through spells of cutting out sweets
sugar hurts our physical and mental
EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 30
Summer/ Issue 38
health): “There is a tendency for people on antidepressants to crave sugar, so you have to be aware of that. I encourage people to cut out sugar and use alternatives…” Foods rich in vitamin B and high in magnesium, such as nuts and pumpkin seeds, have
KALI Barbara Smith Kali come. Kali come last night, and she take my hand, Take me to a land I don’t understand, Where my feet can’t root on the shifting sand,
been noted as mood-enhancing.
Where my eyes grow small and my ears expand.
According to the Food Pharmacy
Can’t hear the words, but I can hear the band,
article, antidepressant medicines
And nothing goes quite the way it’s planned.
are only effective in 50% of the
My ship is moored but no longer manned,
cases and can also have many
And I’m sinking…
negative side effects. So, if you are battling depression, whether long-term or temporary, you might want to start cutting out the sugar from your diet and adding more vegetables and fibres. Perhaps it’s time to, like me, become that
O, Kali, come. Kali come and free my mind tonight, Steal my darkness, bring me to the light. Show me how to stand and fight; I’m weak And filled with rampant fright.
annoying customer who turns all
I’m almost fragments...but not quite.
packages around to check what’s
My soul is ready to take flight, but
in them. Start making your dinners
The rope is long and the noose is tight,
from scratch. Why add any sugar
And I’m drinking...
to your depression.
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 32
Summer/ Issue 38
THE SCULPTRESS Orphan T. Kayne
S
he postured like a woman, no one
is a monastery: no chatter or giggle or
was gonna deny that. Slender
clatter, no laughter let in. Why do that,
calved, waxed and shapely legs
open the windows, let them in?
beneath the pixie dress, but anxious,
So, the windows stayed shut, closed.
too, inside, she in her third-floor studio
You take that iron pot, you fill it with
art pad, musty-smelling workplace,
water, boil it up, sip it back. You do that
looking out over common trees, rustling
because water is fine and pure and
in the breeze. And knowing she’s not
God only knows you can’t go no place
quite a woman, not yet, unripe and not
without a glass or two. You ever see an
quite… fleshless down to the stone. A
animal drink water brutally? Well, work
bell-shaped roof of a school, verdigris
the clay and sip the water and all will
and lit, peeked through trees. The
be fine, you’ll see.
glittering sounds of children fell dead
A dim light cast grey silhouettes over
against the impenetrable barriers of her
the woman’s sculpture, not a cloud
wide shut windows. And there, behind
in the sky, not one… only bright blue,
her closed features, staring out into
and children’s voices, trilling in the
trees, wanting to be complete, inside,
distance, falling flat, dead, against her
some place, alive, but not quite. Not
windows. And she was in the business
yet. Mostly stone or clay but not ripe.
of making things breathe, injecting life
Not yet.
into inanimate materials, and it hurts
Why draw open those big bay
to know that works give so little back:
windows? Why do that? Let them
kind of lifeless, standing silent with never
in? Children, their songs, their singing
a word of gratitude. Silent. Dumb.
glitterings, their youthful shrills? A studio
Objects. In two thousand years, not a
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 33
single word. Or two, like, “Thank you”.
that was just coincidence… well, no,
But she went on, sold her Self, wound
not entirely, like a pair of Siamese twins,
that clock, got it ticking. Why? Because joined at the psychic hip, like a freak she’s an Artist! Don’t let go of that,
show. See the bond, don’t see the
child, or you’ll be lost in the big, bad
bond! But pay your money, because
ocean, swamped and sunk. Hold on to
this is Art, you mute spectators hear
that raft for all it’s worth; it’s all you’ve
that?
got, you hear, all you’ve got! She thought about taking a cool
This piece is gonna rock the world. Big homage to Giaccometti,
bath, imagined her body soaking up
watershed, a divergence in style and
that cool liquid. You can sip water
approach, for she, young up-and-
through pores, did you know that? Like
coming Artist, was finally gonna be
dragons’ capillary legs, step in the stuff,
heard!
soak it up, swallow and gulp, it’s fresh
She looked again at herself in the
and fine down in the belly depths. Take
mirror. In some place, at some time, her
a bath, take a drink, but don’t touch
lazy stomach had retreated within the
the food.
cavern of its ribcage; her patterned
She pulled back a flap of clay
ribs stood out like street railings, and,
from her sculpture’s body, scraped
as she ran her fingers along the railings
beneath with a palette knife until
of her body, she half expected a
the figure’s roughly hewn shoulders
lullaby to ring out. She stroked the
decreased in size. She saw herself in
hollow of her cheeks, smudged clay
her full-length mirror, in the corner,
into her face, took a handful of clay
looking strange and distant, she and
and drew it diagonally across her
clay woman similar in height, inner
breast, finger marks from clavicle
armature measured at 5’ 7’’, though
to flattened stomach. In the mirror
no self-portrait, not that, barely any
she saw her shoulder blades pierce
resemblance in truth, and height? Well,
through stretched skin, like books falling
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Summer/ Issue 38
from shelves, wiped clay across her
creation, to become so cumbrous
emaciated buttocks, feeling bone
and brutal, to live like a humungous
beneath, so angular, so pronounced.
clod of dirty food-filled earth?
She came around her sculpture’s
She threw her knife to the floor,
back, placed her hand on the figure’s
clawed away chunks of clay. First
rear, felt for protrusions. Finding none,
the arms, pared them into bony
she took her knife and carved away
branches, barely concealing
heavy curls, watching scallops of clay
armature, removed a dozen inches
fall to her feet. Her buttocks were now
or more from the greedy waist,
emulated in the work, bony backsides
clawing with hungry fingers all the
identical, and her spine, a row of
while, spun herself around the figure’s
nodules strung together in beaded
ugly clay slab of a back. Where was
necklace formation. She gripped the
the sinew, the beauty of bone, the
knife hard, carved off clay, extracting
curve and striations of dancers and
identical bone nodules from the poor
mothers and brittle old home nurses
sculpture. Breasts retreated into safe
whose bodies buckled and bent in
caverns, work to be done. She clawed
weird formations? She stripped away
her fingernails into the woman, drew
voluble slabs, pleased at the struggle.
clay from its breast, clawed deeper
This was Art, wasn’t it? Well, no matter.
and deeper and deeper into the
She scraped back shavings from the
clay fabric replica, and where the
sculpture’s cheeks until angular and
sculpture’s eyes sat blank, gouged out
sharp, thinned the neck into a dead
hollow spaces, pressed thumbs deep
branch stalk, seeing all the while
into the giving material, pressed into
nothing but perfect unrestrained
lead armature brain.
Beauty. Inner thighs too full, pulled
Her work, always grotesquely
back handfuls of the unnecessary. It
obese, fat and vulgar and unlovable;
came off gratefully, as though never
how had she allowed this woman, her
attached, just hovering over the
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 35
essentials like unwanted baggage.
result of struggles over the last months,
She ran around the figure, excited at
there to be witnessed by anyone who
where she was headed, where the
cared to look.
work was taking her. It was making
She collapsed onto her old couch,
sense. She scratched, clawed and
possessed by a singular thought: more
savaged the clay, incrementally
than anything she wanted to eat. If
reducing the entirety, thinning it down
only she could complete this work
as though it were a carcass on African
first, she would be fine. The corporate
plains, scavenged, in time-lapse. All
people would see the beauty of
pared, but not to death.
her work. Not at first, perhaps. But in
And the figure fell away, to the
time. Hail it a success. People would
floor, revealing beginnings of lead
admire her creation. Admire her. They
armature. The sculptress watched on,
would circle the plinth upon which she
feeling satiated and at ease, smiling
stood—upon which her work stood.
and exhausted. An inner peace
They would discuss their pleasure
coming over her as though she’d
at the figure’s hollowed, childlike
simultaneously purged something
innocence, see the figure was good
awful and good within, something
and thin, a thing of beauty, that the
that had to be extracted at all costs.
thinness revealed proportions worthy
And looking at herself in the mirror,
of universal admiration, not just theirs.
dark clay drew patterns across her
And she cried a little. When her
greenish, pallid skin. The bones of
tears subsided, she saw clearly that,
her knee caps stood out like stones
where she might fail or falter in life or
ratcheted into soft, fibrous tissue, her
fall away from the world, her figure,
pelvic bone hanging out of her body
her creation, her sculpture would
like a broken musical instrument; she
remain and continue. She smiled,
rubbed the instrument’s ridges feeling
knowing she would never be lost or
a smooth, porcelain beauty… the
forgotten or abandoned, never feel
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Summer/ Issue 38
isolated or imprisoned. That was good. She pulled herself up off the couch
order, looking tragic all the while. She’d pawed over Giaccometti’s
and went to the fridge, wiped a cluster
women, prior to her work, found them
of drying tears from her eyes, swung
distasteful, emaciated, isolated near-
open the fridge door, an acrid smell,
death figures. Something tragic there,
drawing her back. Rotting meat, stale
as though reflections, or shadows, of
bread, furred vegetables. She saw
humans, poor humans, malnourished,
an emptiness in the space, like her
strained and tortured. And yet there
belly, as though she were staring into
was something, a refined beauty,
her own terrifying life. She turned from
something proud and regal, tall and
the fridge and let her tired, naked
willowy in amorphic state.
body collapse into the couch, pulled
She walked around her work, her
a sheet over her body, her skeletal
finger and thumb pressing buttons of
form knuckling through material in
clay into places, her knife removing
unnatural, angular shapes, dreamt
more layers, shavings of clay falling
of the completed sculpture, of how
about her naked feet, clinging to her
everything would make sense once it
skin. Day in, day out, her own image,
was finished, finally finished, not those
the image of Giaccommeti’s women
putrid in-between stages when others
and her forming female sculpture
would judge, but finally finished, hailed
remained sole points of reference. She
as a perfect thing of beauty.
enjoyed changes throughout the day;
She climbed from her sofa in pain
as light dimmed, her features dimmed,
and hunger. In her full-length mirror, she
her body dimmed, the Giaccommeti
saw her features, tired and haggard,
woman faded… a kind of vanishing in
her skin sallow in hue, her sore, red eyes
subdued light, with windows closed,
weighted with dark circles beneath.
the sound of children falling dead
She pulled her hair back from her face,
against her closed bay windows. Shut
tossed it back in some semblance of
out.
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 37
The Sum of My Parts ‘My’, to me, was just a hole, A void, avoiding, whilst collecting rot and mould, Soiled stress ball, a free-for-all, for you to shape and mould. I eclipsed my own sun. “You’re just a piece of fun” was let in by the cold. Then inner walls fall, veils slide, my abandoned thresholds, Where lost parts hide, truths remain untold. Dictating inane rules inside, and still my life unfolds. I learned the sum of my parts were more and less than ‘my’ whole. The black room, calling out, “I want Mummy.” I thought it was the true nature of ‘me’, My painful emotions, innately bad and naughty, That same rot deepening, Blackened roots became intestinal intentions of a once pink tummy. I thought I was a toy, my sleeves all bit and scummy. One part decided, “Just be funny.” Another ‘branded herself’ consumable, thought she was so yummy, Out with innocence, her world became un-sunny. Parts want to dodge me yet try to be seen. My hand writes automatically, “Why don’t you care about me?” A scribe from my set-to-self-destruct, toxic inner family. The parts would flirt, Get me hurt, All to protect the heart, That most dangerous part.
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Summer/ Issue 38
Bambam
Some parts don’t want to be seen, Pulled out of the cupboard, they still kick and scream. Others intent on treating me mean, Teasing those hell-bent on keeping things clean. I’ll return this offer of love, please, in exchange for the obscene. Serene, Drama Queen, Prune and preen, Envy and green, Lost in a dream, Then work … and work … and work ... Until I’m diseased and left fleeing. The mirror changed, then and now, from haggard through to lean. Unsweet sixteen waves out at me, amongst my faces daily seen. Some didn’t mean to show up and be seen, In therapy, that profound scene, of outer body, can’t now be unseen. Clearing up the mess, Has created more confusion and stress, Free-falling into my own abyss, Whilst waiting for the NHS. In digging, I become more of less and less of less, I say, “No” then “Yes” then “No” then “Yes,” Until I’m frozen in my room, in my atrophying-ness. I feel certain in this poem … though, in therapy, something’s still… amiss. But, according to psychology… it’s me that I actually miss.
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And so, my parts are still at war, Push, pull, shun me to my core. “My core, core, core, blah, core,” Just being understood, connecting body, mind and mouth, The excruciating chore, She always stops me being seen, even by me, The girl in her own war still sets the scene. And she’s the most frustrating part; I befriended the bully from my inner playground, She was trouble from the start, always sullying my name, To keep me safe and sound. To her, my mouth is just a game, She’s lost on me and everybody now, so now I can’t be found. In her, and them, I’m almost drowned. No matter how hard I blow the whistle, parts scatter out… for different things, Fighting myself for a makeshift life ring, Against the flood, I’m heaving air, Into deflated water wings. Again, I wheeze into the whistle, I am only just afloat. My lungs taped up, now plastic and gristle, The key to the kingdom, long lost in the moat. Never swimming, My head is sinking, Growing thistles in an inflatable boat. My parts are … not… … winning? I just can’t stop them thinking. I always was, and still am, the joke.
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Summer/ Issue 38
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