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Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love in any form. Whether romantic or platonic, we use this special day in the middle of winter to With Valentine warm our hearts by declaring Box Ideas For Kids our love for the people in our lives. In elementary schools everywhere, children celebrate Valentine’s Day by giving each other cards. Big, small, decorated with stickers, or filled with candy, these cards are the children’s first foray into articulating their respect and appreciation for each other and it is an important part of the Valentine’s Day tradition.
Celebrating Valentine’s Day
By Michelle Bery
In order to give and receive these cards, the children often create their own Valentine box in which they collect their cards. And, as is often the case, these boxes are constructed at home and then brought to school for the festivities. For those craft-challenged parents faced with the prospect of helping their child with such a project, there are several easy Valentine box ideas that will have your child ready for Valentine’s Day in no time. First and foremost, the shoebox is your best friend when it comes to simple Valentine box ideas. All you need to do is take an ordinary shoebox and cover it with brown paper – turn a grocery shopping bag inside out and you have all the brown paper you need. Or, if you have any on hand, you can cover the box with Valentine’s Day wrapping paper –anything, white, red, or pink will do. Once the box is covered, cut a slit in the top of the box lid so that cards can
FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
be slipped inside the box. Then let your child go to town decorating the box with stickers, drawings, fabric, glitter, beads, paint – all of which you can pick up at your local craft store. Just make sure that their name is on the box somewhere. Another one of the equally popular Valentine box ideas is to take an empty Valentine’s Day candy box – heart shaped or otherwise – and cut a slit in the top into which you can slip cards. Again, cover the box so that your child can decorate it the way that they want to and be sure they put their name on the box somewhere. The most important part of any Valentine box ideas, of course, is that your child has fun doing it. Make it a craft that the two of you can do together by gathering all the materials and shopping for what you need. Then you can both sit down and plan the design of their special Valentine box.
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January & February, 2009
18 Peddle Your Way to
Weight Loss
All You Need to Get Started By Brette Sember
2
Celebrate Valentine’s Day
11 APPLE FamilyWorks
With Valentine Box Ideas for Kids By Michelle Bery
4
Why Bad Spending Happens to Good People
Tips Harness Your Impulses
By Nick Tasler
News
15 Creative Potty Training
6 I Can’t Say That!
Ideas for One of Parenting’s Toughest Tasks By Paul Jason James
16 Introducing A New Partner
Initiating the Hard Conversations By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, MFT
8 Beating the Rainy Day Blues
Too Soon - Too Fast by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
17 Summer Camps
With Balloon Fun
By Penny Warner
Sign-up Early
10 Your Teen Just Started Dating What to Do? By Dane Masters
FamilyWorks Magazine is published by FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Editor:
Lew Tremaine
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© 2009 FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org www.familyworks.org
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
Why Bad Spending Happens to Good People by Nick Tasler
There you are basking in the soft, warm glow of department store lighting knowing you should leave. Yet you don’t. The next thing you know your bag is a little heavier, your credit debt is a little deeper and you can’t help thinking: Ugggh, why did I do that?!? Whether it’s clothes, cars, dinners, or homes we all buy things we regret. With the possibility of recession and even depression looming large, impulsive spending can be more than just annoying. It can be downright fatal to our financial health. So why do we do it and what can we do to prevent it? Impulsive spending starts with the pumping of an excitable brain chemical called dopamine. Dopamine can be a lot of fun. It’s what makes you feel giddy when you see something you want like a pair of shoes, a promotion, or an attractive mate. It pours into your brain’s frontal lobe--the part you use for rational thinking--and focuses all your thoughts and emotions on obtaining that thing. But when the object of your desire plays hard to get, dopamine doesn’t throw in the towel. It kicks into overdrive. Dopamine’s dark side can inspire you--against friendly advice and your own better judgment--to dial up your ex-mate a few too many times or buy something you wish you hadn’t. When your rational brain should tell you to save your money or to put FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
the phone down, it is silently drowning in a sea of dopamine. That’s when impulse overpowers reason.
Here are a few tips to harness your impulses: Dream a Good Dream Dopamine can be a gift. It keeps you striving to obtain what you want until you get it. It’s only hazardous when you focus on obtaining the wrong things. Instead of imagining how exciting it would be to have those new shoes, imagine the excitement of finally being debt-free. And really imagine it. Literally, day-dream about sleeping peacefully without the worries of debt burdening you. Imagine quitting that job you hate, or getting your kids into that great class that’s just a little beyond your reach. The clearer that dream becomes in your head, the more it will edge out your impulse to buy shoes, clothes, or furniture that you don’t really need.
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Steer Clear of Test Drives Have you ever thought about why car dealers want you to testdrive? Customer test drives take up more of the sales person’s time. They add miles to the car. They burn gas that dealers will then have to replace on their own dime. They risk damaging a car that would otherwise be safe sitting empty in the lot. Still, dealers would love for you to take the car for a spin. If you are cruising down the road in that car, adjusting the temperature, switching on your favorite radio station and yelling at illusory kids in the backseat, you are going to have a much clearer vision of what it will be like to really own that car. And guess what that means? Suddenly, your dream of being debt-free is curbed by the very real dream of driving home that new car. Now, a surge of dopamine is on the job to help you make the new car dream come true. The same holds true for trying on a new pair of shoes, free mini-makeovers at the mall, or food samples at the grocery store. Despite your best intentions only to take a quick jaunt around the store, dopamine has other ideas the moment you slip those beauties on your feet. And you don’t want to challenge dopamine to a battle of wills. It can and will disarm your rational thought processes. Covet Your Own Goods When it comes to impulsive spending, idle desires are truly the devil’s workshop. Wellintending commandments that tell us what not to covet fail to address what to covet. That’s dangerous because you can’t simply turn off desire. Since we are all suckers for new things, our
desires will naturally wander toward something new and visible like thy neighbor’s car, clothes or house. Once you start coveting, dopamine returns to the scene until you get what you desire-often despite your best interests. But with practice, you can guide your desire. I’ll bet that you sort of like your family. You probably already own a favorite outfit, and your health is not too shabby. In other words, you already possess a lot of goods worth coveting. Remind yourself daily what they are. Every morning, scribble down a few covetable possessions on a piece of scratch paper and read it a few times throughout the day. Do this every day. Eventually, focusing on the goods you have will become a steady habit slowly
eroding the impulse to spend. Be confident in the well-documented fact that the one desire even more enduring than our common want for new things is our universal drive not to lose what we already have. Nick Tasler is the director of research and development for think tank and consultancy TalentSmart®. His new book, “The Impulse Factor: Why Some of Us Play It Safe and Others Risk It All,” reveals how a newly discovered gene mutation affects our individual levels of impulsivity and discusses the advantages and pitfalls of impulsive, risky behavior. “The Impulse Factor” is published by Simon & Schuster.
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FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
I Can’t Say That! How Do We Have a Productive Conversation?
So what can she say?
by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.
Author’s note: This article is a compilation of many stories I have heard over the years and not about any one family. As a licensed therapist, I deeply honor and maintain clients’ confidentiality. FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
Here is a re-play of what happened (in bold) – with my suggestions (in italics) for what Kayla and Jack can say to themselves or one another that will Kayla says to her friend Nancy: improve the dynamics and communica“Jack is such a pain! He’s tion pattern. so demanding. When he Jack comes through the door, walkcomes home he expects me ing past Kayla, and throwing his to wait on him. I’m supposed briefcase on the couch, saying over his to be sorry for him because shoulder, “When’s dinner?” he’s worked all day. What does he think I’ve been do- Kayla : Slow down. Greet your partner. ing – sitting in front of the Hug him. Sit down and ask how TV? When he comes home his day went. he goes right to the boys and doesn’t lift a finger. Jack: “She’s had a long day, too. Dinner is a nightmare. He I should give her a hug and see laughs when Sean burps and how I can help.” eats with his fingers. When Jack’s gone on business trips Kayla starts to fume – thinking,its much easier. Sometimes “Nice hello that was! What does he I dread him coming home. think? I’m his maid?” It’s like having another child.” Kayla: Breathe deeply. Listen to your automatic negative thinking/asNancy: “I don’t know why you put sumptions of negative intent. up with it. You should tell Assume positive intent. i.e. him to grow up.” “He’s tired and hungry.” Using few words, ask for what Kayla: “But I can’t say that!” you DO need. “I need the kids www.familyworks.org
hands washed and the table set in ten minutes.”)
Just relax. You’re always so uptight.”
Jack: “She looks angry. Maybe she wants something?”
Kayla: Breathe again. Nothing will be gained by interacting when someone is in their Dino- brain/ fight-flight mode. “I am tense. You’re right. Let’s talk later about how we can smooth out our evening routine. I’ll put dinner on the table. Hope you come soon.”
The two boys come flying down the hall and pounce on their father. He wrestles with them and Sean screeches. “Ben kicked me.” Jack keeps up the horseplay. Kayla: It’s great that the kids love Jack and want to play. We need a routine before dinner. Jack: The kids are getting wound up. They need to chill and get ready for dinner.
Jack: Accept the peace offering and consider your part in the problem.
By disengaging this way, at least you eat dinner and at best the boys have not had to be in the middle of an uglier Kayla: “Guys! The dinner is going to fight. get cold. Pu-l –l e- e - ase!” Now you’ve dodged the escalation, and it is time to deal with the underlying Kayla: Announce: “Dinner is on the issue: a communication pattern of mutable. I’m eating.” Sit down tual blame and negative assumptions. and eat. The others will learn I am guessing about now that some of that, “Dinner is on the table,” my readers think that I am suggesting means just that and will notice that Kayla throw in the towel and “let that the food is cold w h e n the boys get away with bad behavior”. they finally arrive. If they Or that Jack let go of his desire to play with the boys and buckle under Kayla’s complain just state, “I’m sorry but I didn’t want to nag. demands. Actually, I am suggesting that both I was starved.” She is disengagmanage themselves and negotiate staning from the power struggle. dards and roles. Dictating, demanding Jack: Listen to the announcement, sup- and demeaning will buy nothing. In trying to wield power over our partner, port your partner, and know it’s time to get hands washed we move him/her into being like a child, inviting child-like responses. Things go and sit down to eat. south from there. Absent the change of communication patterns - the scenario continues How do we have a productive conversation? and tension escalates: 1. Write down the context, triggers, Kayla goes into the living room, and what was said in the difficult hands on her hips, brow knitted, jaw situation. tight. 2. Look at the issues. Kayla: “Jack, the least you can do is bring them into dinner. I’d 3. Is there one primary issue and the rest like some help for a change.” fall out from it? If there are several issues – prioritize them as to their Jack: “Yea. I’ve just been sitting importance to you around all day doing nothing www.familyworks.org
4, Write down the automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) that popped up for you before you said something AND after the other person said something. (E.g. “S/he always ignores me.”; “I have to do all the work.”; “He’s just another kid.”; “She’s so uptight.”) 5. Write down the exceptions to these ANTS so that you can breathe deeply and go into the conversation with hope rather than fear. (E.g. “We do have fun together.” We both work hard.”) 6. Think about how you will share your concerns and move to mutual problem solving. Note: Share and mutual. Ask yourself what you DO want (NOT what you don’t want). 7. Write down what you will say. Remove all blaming, guilting, negative statements. Include positive, hopeful statements. 8. Request a time to talk with the other person when both of you will be most relaxed and the kids won’t present. 9. Keep the conversation VERY brief and to ONE topic. The scenario above had several issues. I focused on the first: • Connecting at transition times • Sharing chores • Hygiene • Table manners Keep your expectations focused on how you will manage yourself. Success comes when you state your concern, make your request calmly AND do your best to hear the other’s response. (Not necessarily understand it, or agree with it.) Continued on page 9
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
Beating the Rainy Day Blues With the winter weather upon us, we’ll soon find the kids indoors - bringing with them the rainy day blues. Here are some tips for keeping the kids busy - not bored - and beating those wet weather woes. And all you need are a few simple helium balloons. They make great boredom busters! By Penny Warner Bird in a Balloon Here’s a magic trick using a helium balloon that will keep everyone guessing - except the kids who made it! Mix up one-fourth of a cup of flour and 1 cup of water to make a thin paste. Inflate a helium balloon for each child (use a Balloon Time Helium Balloon Kit to make it quick and easy). Have the kids dip a few feet of colorful string or yarn into the paste and let the excess run off. Wrap the paste-covered yarn around the balloon-every which way (don’t worry about covering every inch.) Keep wrapping until the balloon looks like a cage. Let the yarn dry by hanging it near a heating vent (not too close!) When dry, pop the balloon and discard it. Tie a length of string or yarn to a small toy bird (available at craft shops)-or make your own bird with construction paper. Cut a small hole at the top of the cage, drop the bird inside, and tie the other end of the string to the bottom, making sure the bird dangles in the middle of the cage. Tie another length of string to the top and hang the bird and cage from the ceiling. Piggy Bank Balloon A rainy day is the perfect time to save up for, well, a rainy day. Have the kids make their own piggy banks and start saving for their college educations. Inflate a helium balloon for each child and lay out several sheets of tissue paper in a variety of colors. Cut out five cups from a paper egg carton for each pig. Use masking tape-to-tape four cups onto the bottom of each balloon to make the pig’s feet. Tape the fifth cup on the side to form the FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
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pig’s snout. Tear the tissue paper into strips. Pour white glue into a shallow bowl and add a little water to thin it down. Dip a strip of tissue into the glue mixture and lay it over the balloon. Repeat until the balloon is completely covered with several layers of colorful tissue paper. Allow to dry, and then glue on googly eyes and insert a pink pipe cleaner into the tail end and curl it. When finished, parents should cut a slit at the top (popping the balloon) so the kids can insert their coins. Balloon Ride Photocopy color pictures of the kids and cut them out. Stand the pictures up in a strawberry basket or small, lightweight box (no lid), with tape. Cut a ribbon into four equal pieces, 3.5 to 4 inches long each. Inflate a balloon with helium and tie it off. Attach the ends of the ribbon to the balloon. Now, release the balloon and watch it float around the room. Balloon People Fill the room with balloon people featuring all your family and friends! Inflate some helium balloons. Give the kids stickers and markers to create silly, scary, funny or familiar faces, or use a Balloon Time Create-A-Face Sticker Kit. Have them trace their shoes onto construction paper and cut out the shapes. Decorate the shoes with stickers and markers, and then overlap the insides slightly at the heels. Punch a hole in the overlapped part and insert the tied end of the balloon into the hole. Tape a few coins underneath the feet if you want the Balloon People to stand on the floor or a table. If you want them to float, just let them go!
I Can’t Say That! continued from page 7 Balloon Sink or Float Here’s an activity that will not only keep the kids busy for hours, but they’ll also learn something about scientific properties (just don’t tell them it’s educational)! Inflate one helium balloon for each child and tie it off with a three-foot string. Tell the kids to gather some things from around the house to test a theory. The idea is to see if they can figure out which objects will float in mid-air-not touch the ground or the ceiling. For example, if they tie a shoe to the string, the balloon will most likely sink to the ground. If they tie a piece of paper to the string, the balloon will most likely touch the ceiling. What can they find that will only float in mid-air, not touching the ground or the ceiling?
Penny Warner has more than 25 years of experience as an author and party planner. She has published more than 50 books, including 16 specific to parties. Additionally, Warner writes a weekly newspaper column on family life, penned a column for Sesame Street Parents magazine and has appeared on several regional and national TV morning programs. Her latest book, LADIES’ NIGHT, was released in November 2008 from Adams-Media.
State your feelings: “I’m sad about the tension in the evenings.” Ask for feedback: “What thoughts or feelings do you have about this?” If the other person starts “dumping”, gets defensive, blaming – take a deep breath and invite him/her to say how s/he feels. Reflect back- “It sounds like you feel…” “So, as I understand it, you think…” “Is that right?” After you have reflected back the other’s thoughts and feelings – which may feel repetitive and unneccessary to you –the other person might be willing to hear you out. Remaining calm is the hardest and most important thing to do at this point. Say to yourself, “I am fine. I am a good person. I mean well. S/he is fearful, upset, and worried I will attack or find him/her at fault. I will NOT attack back.” ONLY if the other person is signaling an interest in mutual problem solving do you go to the next step, because when emotions run high, they block the think-
ing process. (Be sure to seek safety if it becomes emotionally or physically abusive.)
Now let’s imagine that the other parent is receptive and listening:
“It sounds like you may be concerned too. I have a couple of ideas that I’d like to put out there and see what you think.” (Note: you are not prescribing/demanding the solution.) “How about we have a little more time between your arrival and dinner? That way, you can play with the kids and not feel rushed. I’d like to connect with you, too.” When the other person feels valued for themselves rather than their usefulness, they are more likely to cooperate. There are many ways to improve this situation. The primary goal is to develop a pattern of respect, clarify roles, and shared power, including sharing authority over the children. I work with couples and whole families to help them shift their communication patterns and find ways to be respectful, trusting, and work as a team. We begin by hearing the concerns and the wishes of each party and move forward to identify the patterns and the automatic assumptions. Then we practice effective tools that work for that particular couple or family. It takes practice and patience. Communication is a fine art.
If the other person starts “dumping”, gets defensive, blaming – take a deep breath and invite him/her to say how s/he feels. Reflect back- “It sounds like you feel…” “So, as I understand it, you think…” “Is that right?” www.familyworks.org
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
Your Teen Just Started
Dating... What Do You Do? By Dane Masters
The idea of your teen dating can strike fear into the hearts of the parents in question. You’ve been around the block and know that things can go wrong in the dating scene. After all, you were once a teenager! Maybe you remember coming home crying because your date turned out to be too aggressive, or made a mean remark about your outfit. But not all your dates turned out that way. Some dates were thrilling, with compliments and fun from beginning to end. So it’s not all bad news. There will be ups and downs, and your job as a parent is to be there for your teen and guide them in this new interaction with their peers. The atmosphere that parents promote at home has a significant influence on your child. Teen dating will also be influenced by the principles and values one learns from their family. Children often learn from imitation and parents are the closest examples of how grown ups can act in certain situations. The social skills that children learn at home will also prove useful (or not so useful) during teen dating. If they see parents respecting one another, with care and understanding, they will also be able to behave like that later in life. 10 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
Do not barge into your teenager’s feelings. Try to find out more about them, when it comes to teenage dating, but don’t make them feel like they are being grilled by the FBI. Here is how you should act when they tell you they are going on their first date: Encourage double dates or group activities for starters. This makes it easier for your child to get into the swing of teen dating. A double date at the county fair allows both girls and boys to be more relaxed with one another and just have fun. Both boys and girls have someone of their own gender to chat with if self-conscious or nervous feelings surface. A group of boys and girls going bowling or to the skating rink is another good choice. It will help them build confidence in teen dating. Respect their privacy. Teens are very sensitive about the subject of teen dating. Be careful to let them know you'll be there for them without fostering an atmosphere of intrusiveness on your part. There will be times when they won't want to talk about every little thing. If you respect their privacy, they'll eventually come to you for your advice and opinions. There may be temptations when teens date. There can be drugs involved, or alcohol consumption, so teach your kids about the perils that they might encounter. Make them understand that they will not be punished in case they find themselves in such a situation and that you will be there to help them and take them home if they call for you. Teen dating should not be scary for teens or parents. With a little care and understanding, you will see your teenage kid returning home happy after their first date.
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Vallecito Students Brighten the Holiday for APPLE Special Needs Clients The students at Vallecito Elementary School provided special holiday cheer for the families served by APPLE FamilyWorks’ Developmental Disabilities Program. The students decorated and filled over 160 Christmas stockings, tailoring each stocking to the age and gender of each family member. The stocking project was coordinated by Vallecito parent volunteer Kristi Carey. APPLE’s Developmental Disabilities Program provides in-home parenting support and independent living skills instruction to parents with developmental disabilities and parents who have children with developmental disabilities. “It is truly gratifying to see the smiles of happiness on the faces of our special needs families when they receive those beautifully decorated stockings full of love and gifts. We are truly thankful to Vallecito School for bringing joy to our families,” said Developmental DisParent volunteer Kristi Carey presents stockings made by Vallecito students to abilities Program Coordinator Katherine APPLE FamilyWorks’ Developmentally Disabilaties Program Assessment Associate Arnsbarger. Lew Tremaine.
Tripple Match For Donations to APPLE FamilyWorks APPLE FamilyWorks has been helping Bay area families for the past 30 years, and now, more than ever, we need your support and donations. And there is no better time than now, because two charitable funds have agreed to give a 100 percent match for every donation made to APPLE . That means that every individual donation will be worth three times the donated
amount. Donations to APPLE FamilyWorks are used to provide our many services to families that might not otherwise be able to afford them. Our services include counseling for individuals, couples, teens and families; supervised visitation for families in high conflict custody disputes; temperament assessments; parenting and co-parenting classes. These www.familyworks.org
services are offered with sliding scale fees, made possible by the generous donations of individuals and businesses in the community. Help us reach three times as many families by sending a donation to: APPLE FamilyWorks, 4 Joseph Ct., San Rafael, CA 94903.
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
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Parenting Programs The Most Effective Parenting Programs Ever Parenting is complicated and challenging. Work and family pressures are huge. FamilyWorks’ parenting series helps the whole family thrive. Parents have fun as they learn the most effective tools to guide their children to be cooperative, responsible and caring.
Child-Centered Co-Parenting
Parenting
Parents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend in separate classes and learn to:
You will Learn Keys to Increasing:
• Deal with each other respectfully
Positive & Peaceful
• Cooperation • Self-esteem • Responsibilty
• Communication • Respect • Discipline
Viewing Life Today • Being a Proactive Parent • Identifying Your Universal Principles
Growing Great Kids
• Increase cooperation
Nurture ! e e Fr Groups
• Make co-parenting decisions calmly
For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to 9 months)
• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably
English speaking group: Weds. 6:00-7:30 PM at FamilyWorks
• Manage constantly shifting schedules
• Understanding How Kids Work • Ensuring Goodness of Fit • Making Work Fun
• Stop tantrums and dawdling
Listening and Talking
• End rudeness & backtalk
• Listening Effectively • Decreasing Impulsive Behavior
Problem Solving that Gets Results • Using the Magical “When...Then” • Designing Charts that Get Results • Revamping “Time Out” So It Really Works
• Design consequences that work
Seven Tuesday evening classes: January 13 February 24 , 2009 Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.
Spanish speaking group: Friday Noon to 1:30 at Marin Community Clinic 300 Professional Center Dr. Novato • • • •
Share experiences, ideas, and support Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood Learn how to increase infant health & happiness Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress
Feeling More Confident • Being Positive and Persistent • Sharing Successes • Setting Positive Consequences
Four Tuesday evening classes February 3 - 24, 2009 Sliding Scale 12 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime
415-492-0720
www.familyworks.org
Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime
Therapy and Life Skills Center Sometimes We All Need A Caring Ear and Good Advice
Assessment and Consultation
Couples Counseling and Family Therapy Counseling, concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through: • Child Behavior Management • Resolving Hurts and Conflicts • Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Addictions • The Art of Listening • Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play • Managing Anger • Child Development
Using temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential. Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make homevisits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available.
Therapy with Teens FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood. Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.
Visit our website for More Program Information
Individual Therapy Utilizing a variety of theoretical approaches, FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including: • Life Stage Transitions
• Conflict Resolution
• Anxiety Disorders
• Anger Management
• Occupational Problems
• Improved Self-Esteem
• Mood Disorders
• Bereavement and Grief
• Individuation • Postpartum Depression
• Stress Reduction • Substance Abuse
Therapy with Children In FamilyWorks’ childcentered “playrooms,” skilled therapists create a safe and accepting environment for children to share their experiences and express their feelings through a guided, self-healing process. Using a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance.
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FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
13
Support for Individuals with Disabilities Who Do We Serve? We serve adults and children with developmental disabilities, as well as, parents with children with or without developmental disabilities (pre-birth through age eighteen years of age). Our mission:
OUR STAFF: Program Director, Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MFT insures service excellence with her experience as a public health nurse, life-skills coach, parenting educator and marriage and family therapist. Program Coordinator, Katherine Arnsbarger, brings her education and experience as an educator and anthropologist to provide culturally sensitive and individualized services. Support Staff Include: Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT, Lew Tremaine, Candace Fraser, and Diana Wilkins.
To enhance each individual’s health and development, including interaction with friends, family, work and community. Services take place in the consumer’s residence, community facilities and other natural environments in the area served by the Regional Centers: SARC - RCEB – GGRC – NBRC. The all-inclusive, wrap-around program, is cost-effective and eliminates duplication of services.
Our SERVICES:
Parenting Support Services
Independent Living Skills
• Parenting and Co-Parenting • Childbirth Education • Child Development and Family Planning • Behavior Management, Stress Reduction • Early Intervention in Postpartum Depression • Positive and Peaceful Discipline • Family Health Promotion and Hygiene • Injury Prevention, Nutrition, Exercise • Household Management, Transportation • Financial Management and Budgeting • Development of Social Support Systems • Linkage with Others Services
• Academic Growth • Behavior Management • Stress Reduction Skills • Injury Prevention • Nutrition • Health Promotion and Exercise • Hygiene and Self-care • Housekeeping • Transportation Skills • Community Access • Employment Readiness • Financial Management and Budgeting • Development of Social Support Systems Services will be written into an individual service plan by FamilyWorks and approved by Regional Centers or CPS case managers.
Call Katherine Arnsbarger (415) 492-0720 ext. 226 or visit www.familyworks.org 14 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
www.familyworks.org
By Paul Jason James
Many parents approach potty training with the same enthusiasm they would have for gum surgery; it’s a necessary evil to be tolerated. It doesn’t have to be all drudgery though if you use a little creativity to make it interesting for everyone. When To Get Creative
Certainly, if you are already in the potty training process and things aren’t going especially well, getting creative is better than getting frustrated. You don’t have to wait until you’re at that point though. Using some creative ideas to introduce the potty training concept to your child can prevent resistance.
Introducing the Idea
If potty training is your child’s idea (or he thinks it is) the entire process becomes easier. A few thoughtfully planted comments about big kids using the potty and little kids wearing diapers can spark your child’s desire to be one of the big kids and have him asking you to help him learn to use the potty.
Creating Ownership
Let your child be part of the potty training advice planning process. Take him shopping with you and let him choose his own big boy underwear and stickers to use on his potty training success chart if you use one.
Rewarding Success
Some parents are reluctant to give rewards for potty training success because they feel the child is only doing what he’s supposed to do anyway. Others have great success with potty training charts where a child places a sticker each time he uses the potty with a small reward being earned for every few stickers. Rewarding children for good behavior reinforces the behavior. Rewards don’t have to be candy or snacks and are better if they aren’t. A trip to the park, an extra story at bedtime, special recognition for an accident-free day all work to motivate the child to do well again. By spending a little time thinking of creative ways to potty train your child, you make the process more interesting and less of a chore for everyone. Visit www.pottytrainingtipsonline.com for articles and information on Potty Training Advice for new parents. Great free help, links and more. www.familyworks.org
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
15
Introducing a New Partner
Too Fast... Too Soon... By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
Even though a spouse may have contemplated separation for years, to the partner, the news comes as a shock, even in view of a tumultuous relationship.
For the children, the shock is even greater. 16 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
Even though a spouse may have contemplated separation for years prior to informing their partner, to the partner, the news comes as a shock, even in view of a tumultuous relationship. For the children, the shock is often even greater. Gary Direnfeld, To intensify matters befallingBythe children, the LCSW spouse who is emotionally further along the separation process may already have or may soon have a new “significant other”. If the relationship to that significant other developed prior to separation, the likelihood of the children taking to that person will be remarkably diminished. If the relationship comes after the separation, but before the child has an opportunity to emotionally and psychologically adjust, the likelihood of the child taking to the new person is also quite diminished. A parent may view the separation as an event, but to the child, the separation is a process. A child’s mourning and grieving the loss of their parents’ marriage typically takes months to years. The process is similar to the adjustment of a death and include; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The child cannot believe the change in circumstance. It confronts their belief that they lived in and would continue to live in an intact family. This is true even in cases where a child is worried about their parents’ marriage. Worry does not equal a desire for a parental separation even if they tell you so. Worry generally means they want the parents to improve and stabilize their marriage. When it becomes increasingly apparent that the marriage is not surviving, the child feels emotionally betrayed and is hurt and angry. This may be expressed directly to a parent, or indirectly through Continued on page 22
www.familyworks.org
As seen in the New York Times & Nick News For 35 years, children have run away to join our circus in beautiful Mendocino County! Kids learn respect for themselves, others and the environment through our multicultural curriculum of circus and performing arts. Directed by Wavy Gravy & Jahanara Romney
Now you can afford to send your child to a Jewish summer camp AND Jewish preschool! Financial aid is available to help Jewish children attend Jewish overnight summer camps across the U.S., Canada and Israel. Camp applications are due March 2, 2009. Apply online now! Visit www.bjesf.org and click on financial aid. Or, for applications, call (415) 751-6983 x107 or email finaid@bjesf.org.
Plus, emergency Jewish preschool scholarships are available now for this year! Apply through your participating school. Midyear preschool scholarship applications are due January 30, 2009. The Bureau of Jewish Education administers this financial aid program on behalf of the Jewish Community Endowment Newhouse Fund and Albert and Janet Schultz Foundation of the JCEF. Financial assistance comes from the Jewish Community Endowment Newhouse Fund, the Albert and Janet Schultz Foundation of the JCEF, Charlene and Sid Tuchman Residential Camp Scholarship Fund, Dr. Walter Vogel Memorial Campership Fund, and the Jewish Preschool Scholarship Fund
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FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
17
Peddle Your Way to Weight Loss Of all the exercises that can help you lose weight, cycling is one of the best. If you want to lose weight or if you’re looking for a great calorie burning exercise to improve your fitness or add to your exercise repertoire, this article is for you. We’ll discuss why cycling is so special, what it can do for you, what you need to get started and provide a list of hints to help you to cycle effectively and safely for the rest of your life. 18 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
The Benefits of Cycling
If you want to lose weight, there are many reasons for you to consider cycling as part of your daily exercise regime. Cycling is one of the easiest aerobics exercises to start with because it offers a very wide range of training intensities, including very low levels of intensity. Cycling can be a non-weight bearing exercise so it is easy on the joints, muscles and tendons. Cycling burns a lot of calories (300 to 500 per hour at a moderate pace for someone weighing 170 pounds). Cycling can be a relatively inexpensive activity to participate in. Cycling can be a very social activity and is easily performed in a group or with family and friends. Cycling can be done indoors or outdoors. Cycling provides aerobic training (for the heart and lungs), resistance training (for leg muscles) and isometric (static) resistance (for the arms and other muscles in the upper body). Cycling can be done relatively safely at almost any age. Cycling is a perfect cross-training exercise for running, swimming, skiing, etc., and can add variety to any exercise program. www.familyworks.org
Cycling is becoming safer as state governments and local city councils invest in dedicated bike tracks and designated bike lanes on city and country roads.
What You Need To Get Started
One of the greatest things about cycling is how easy and relatively inexpensive it is to get started. Of course there are those of us who really get into cycling and spend a small fortune on fancy equipment, but for those who just want to get started and lose weight, here’s a list of the absolute essentials you’ll need as well as the optional extras you should consider to make your riding more enjoyable.
The Essentials:
Here’s what you’ll need to start outdoor cycling: • A bike!
• A bike helmet. • Spare tube
• Tire levers
• Bike pump.
• Water bottle and water bottle cage for your bike. • Sunglasses and sunscreen.
Ten Great Cycling Benefits...
1) Help you burn excess calories and lose weight. 2) Improve your cardiovascular fitness and gain more energy.
Optional Extras:
Although classed as optional extras, if you can afford them we recommend you strongly consider: • Bike shorts with a good quality chamois sown into the seat.
• Bicycle gloves with padded palms. • Speedometer (to monitor your distance and speed).
• Heart Rate Monitor (to help you regulate your intensity).
• Mobile phone (to call help if you ever get into trouble).
Helpful Hints For Effective, Safe Cycling
Here are some hints to help you get the most out of cycling: Bike:
An inexpensive bike with few features is OK to get started but we recommend, as a minimum, you get a bike with quick-release wheel hubs so you can get the wheels off easily without a spanner when you get that inevitable puncture during a ride. Getting the right sized bike for you is very important, so visit your local bike shop first and ask them what size bike is right for you.
tween. Which style of bike is best for you depends upon where you are going to ride the bike, whether you want comfort or speed and how much you have to spend. For those of you wanting to ride just to lose weight and who will do most of your riding on sealed roads and bike paths, we recommend a hybrid bike with road tires. Hybrid bikes tend to have slightly wider wheels than pure road bikes and have a much more comfortable upright riding position. Setting up your seat height is very important. You know your bike seat is at the correct height when your leg has a slight bend in it at the knee when the corresponding pedal is closest to the ground. If you buy your bike from a bike shop, make sure they adjust your seat height for you. When it comes to bike costs, be prepared to pay more for bikes that are lighter in weight and have better quality fittings like gears and levers, etc. continued on page 23
There are many types of bikes available from road racing bikes to pure mountain bikes and all sorts in be-
3) Help you avoid lifestyle diseases such as heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes. 4) Help you to increase your exercise intensity in a slow and controlled manner. 5) Help you combine exercise with spending time with your partner, children or friends. 6) Help you meet people (by joining a cycling club for example). 7) Help you add variety to your current exercise routine. 8) Help you combine exercise in the fresh air with exploring new places and enjoying new scenery. 9) Help you tone, strengthen, and shape the muscles in your legs, bottom, and arms. 10) Provide you with exercise with which you can easily build progression (faster and/or longer rides) and intensity variation (varying your riding speed and distances).
Cycling can be a very social activity and is easily performed in a group or with family and friends. www.familyworks.org
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
19
Making (and then breaking) New Year’s Resolutions is a venerable American tradition. Each year, about 100 million of our fellow citizens promise themselves that they will make important changes. Most of us break our New Year’s Resolutions within three months.
By John Koening
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email sue@NuBeginning.com www.NuBeginning.com 20 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
Some “resolutions” don’t even survive the morning after the enthusiasm of a New Year’s Eve celebration. Would you like to escape this endless cycle of resolution followed by remorse? Hypnosis can definitely help. And you can make your resolution to change anytime 365 days a year. These five simple steps that definitely improve your chances of success. These proven strategies help people make important personal changes from smoking cessation and weight loss to dozens of specific, individual issues. If you make a firm commitment to follow them to the best of your ability, I know your New Year’s Resolutions have a good chance of becoming your next year’s reality. STEP ONE
Get serious. Begin by looking carefully at your values and the challenges you’ll face in the coming year. Know what you really want before you declare you will spend the next year achieving it. To be successful your resolutions must reflect your true desires, not someone else’s wishes for you. People who say, “My husband or wife wants me to quit smoking/overeating/or whatever so I’ll make that my New Year’s Resolution,” are usually disappointed. They and their loved ones are left with feelings of failure.
STEP TWO
Keep your goals reasonable, specific and challenging. Avoid general statements like, “I will lose weight in the next twelve months.” It is far more motivating to set a specific date and weight target. Another trap to avoid is trying to be too ambitious. It may sound wonderful to resolve to regain the waist size you had when you were on the high school soccer team, but is it realistic given that you are approaching your 25th class reunion? Probably not. The problem with this type of resolution is they are really nothing more than empty pipe dreams. It is clear from the start that you never intend to achieve the superhuman goals you set. This makes it easy to decide to not even bother to try.
www.familyworks.org
STEP THREE
Plan a strategy. Decide how you are going to support the change you want and begin to establish short-term objectives. The clearer you are about how you intend to carry out your resolution, the better your chance of success. Include a way to keep your resolutions on the top of your mind throughout the year. You won’t turn your New Year’s Resolutions into realities if you can’t remember them. We all live one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. A year is far too long to wait before revisiting your annual objectives. Commit to look at your resolutions once each day and you’ll stand a much better chance of achieving them.
STEP FOUR
Go public. Share your resolutions with at least one other person. Once your resolutions are out in the open they assume a life of their own. People expect you to take action or at least watch how
well you do. Breaking a promise to a spouse or friend is more difficult than breaking a secret commitment to yourself. Naturally, going public adds a greater risk of being sabotaged by the negative thinkers in your life. But there is also a chance you might find a committed partner or coach to keep you moving forward. STEP FIVE
Start developing your New Year’s Resolution and its implementation plan today. Don’t wait till 11:59 PM on December 31st. People who wait till New Year’s Eve to make their resolutions usually don’t keep them very long. John Koening is a Hypnotherapist in Warwick RI. He uses hypnosis to assist people with keeping their New Years Resolutions.
Most Popular New Year’s Resolutions Exercise regularly
37%
Work harder or smarter
23%
Eat a healthy diet
13%
Stop or reduce smoking, drinking, caffeine or the use of other drugs:
7%
All others:
20%
Source: University of Washington Psychology Department
Hypnotherapy Rapidly transform core issues blocking goals and success Supportive & Compassionate Inner Child Specialist
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FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2009
21
Introducing a New Partner Continued from page 16
a change in behavior. As the child sorts out their anger, he or she may try to get the parents to reconcile. The child’s attempts may only be in their own head by harboring thoughts, or by action. As their attempts are unsuccessful, the children may feel thwarted, impotent and underpowered. Introducing a new partner prior to the child’s adjustment causes the child to recoil against the new partner. The new partner is seen as a threat to the child’s secret wish for the parents to reunite. To intensify matters, the degree to which the new partner is thrust upon the child, the greater the child’s recoil and resentment. While the parent may see the lack of acceptance as mean spirited, the child is simply coping with an assault on their
Introducing a new partner prior to the child’s adjustment causes the child to recoil against the new partner. The new partner is seen as a threat to the child’s secret wish for the parents to reunite. 22 FamilyWorks Magazine - January & February, 2009
adjustment process. The child is not far enough along the adjustment process to tolerate any new partner, regardless of the qualities that partner brings. Demands for the child’s respect or obedience to the new partner only makes matters worse and runs the risk of a lifelong fracture, not only between child and potential stepparent, but also between the child and that parent. To minimize the risk of these conflicts, parents are advised to wait to form new relationships until after the child has adjusted, easily over a year post-separa-
If you have already gone too fast, too soon, try to slow down and back off. Forcing a relationship likely didn’t work for your first marriage; so don’t expect it to work for your new partner and your child. Adjustment takes time. Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work.
To minimize the risk of these conflicts, parents are advised to wait
• Songs •
to form new
• Chants •
relationships... tion. If a new relationship has been formed prior to the child’s adjustment, expect the child to take at least a year to several years, before the he/she is fully able to accept this new person. Resist early introductions to be sure the new relationship is in fact stable and ongoing. Resist cohabiting within the first year to minimize the risk of the child feeling overwhelmed and confronted by the change. The new person should also resist assuming a parental role until the child has adjusted to the parental separation.
• Movement • • Instrument Play-a-longs • • Mixed-age classes • (Infant - 4.5 years)
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Dental Services John T. Smith, DDS
915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo (across from Red Hill Shopping Center)
453-1666 www.familyworks.org
Peddle to Weight Loss
to moderate intensity (60 - 80% of your maximum heart rate).
continued from page 19
Use indoor cycling when raining or to compliment your outdoor riding.
Ride the right sized bike and make sure your seat is at the right height. Drink regularly when riding.
Riding
Here are some tips to make your riding safe and effective:
Stick to dedicated bike paths or designated bike lanes wherever possible.
Consult your doctor before starting cycling or any new exercise program.
Listen to your body; if you need to take a break during your ride take it.
Start slowly and keep distances short initially and slowly build up your distances and then speeds.
Plan your route and communicate it and your estimated ride time to your partner or someone else so they know where to look if you are delayed for any reason.
If riding on a shared path, warn walkers and other riders when approaching from behind using your bike's bell.
Use hand signals to indicate that you intend to change lanes or turn corners on your bike. Obey all traffic signals when riding on public roads.
Make riding fun by including friends and perhaps stopping for a drink and snack along the way or afterwards. Change your riding route for variety.
Mix your riding distances and intensities for maximum longterm weight loss and fitness. Seventy percent of your riding should be done at an easy
Need someone to talk to?
Of all the possible exercises there are to help you lose weight, cycling is one of the best. If you want to lose weight and are looking for the perfect exercise, or if you’re looking for a great calorie burning exercise to add to your exercise repertoire, cycling may be for you. Now you know why cycling is so great and what it can do for you, what you’ll need to get started and keep cycling effectively and safely for the rest of your life there’s only one thing to do. Give it a go. Cycling is sure to help you become a happier, healthier you. Have Fun! © Copyright Ultimate Weightloss.
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