FWM 2014 10 by FamilyWorks Magazine

Magazine

Fall 2014

Getting a Jump On the Holidays Prepared for Disaster?

Your Baby and Separation Anxiety Published by

Therapy & Life Skills Center familyworks.org 415-492-0720

agazine This seal ofMapproval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

familyworks.org

Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime

Fall 2014

“Like us” on

Magazine

3 6 8

Fall 2014

Getting a Jump On the Holidays by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MFT

Tips for Parents of Twins & Multiples by Heather Lewis

Breaking Bad News: 4 Steps by Ross Bonander

APPLE FamilyWorks 10 APPLE Update 11 Parenting Services 12 Adult & Family Therapy Services 13 Child Therapy Services/Mommy Time 14 Developmental Disabilities Services 15 16

Mental Martial Arts Tips to Make Studying Easier (and Fun!) by Edwin G. Brown Prepared for Disaster? by Belinda Mooney Your Baby and Separation Anxiety by Heather Umphrey

Four Things to Look for When Buying Her First Bra by Ginny Grimsley The Leading Cause of Relationship Stress: Money by Dayana Yochim

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Associate Director: Editor & Design: Copy Editors:

Website: Web Publisher:

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Michael Diehl Lew Tremaine Pat Saunders Diana Wilkins Cynthia Roldan Renaissance Graphic Design Renaissance Graphic Design

Printed by:

S.W. Offset

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information: Michael Diehl Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 229 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: Michael@familyworks.org Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org

Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries in five Marin Scope Weekly Community Newspapers, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2014 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.

awarded to

Magazine

Getting a Jump On the Holidays

by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MFT t amazes me that so many of our holidays fall within a threemonth period. Clearly the holidays were not planned by those responsible for the core aspects of these celebrations. Just ask any woman (or man) who plans the parties, gifts and cooking about the dread that begins to build around Halloween.

Setting Priorities

One way to cope is to just procrastinate. Deal with the costumes and parties for Halloween and then relax a bit until Thanksgiving. After all, we’ve got almost two months and this year we’ll make it simpler. Procrastination has never worked well for me, because I get cranky when overwhelmed with lots to do at the last minute. So setting priorities makes sense even when I’d rather be spontaneous.

Here are Some Things For You and Your Family to Consider:

Why do you celebrate the holidays? (example: tradition; religious beliefs; guilt; fantasy of recapturing childhood: pleasing others; fear of trying something new/different; enjoyment of being with family; great opportunity to do good works/give to others). Ask each family member to list ten activities that are important to them during the holidays. (examples: get a fun and safe Halloween costume; plan a Halloween party; put on a Thanksgiving celebration; decorate for each holiday; help at a homeless shelter, food bank, toy drive; set up the Hanukkah Menorah; buy, address & mail greeting cards; buy a Christmas tree; trim the tree; shop for presents; wrap presents; attend holiday parties; go to a special place for a holiday; give a New Year’s party.) If the children cannot write a list, then create one together. Rank your ten activities in order of importance. Which activities are most important to your parents/in-laws? Are there any tasks that can be shared or eliminated? Continued on page 4

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.

Magazine

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Getting a Jump on the Holidays continued from page 3

Celebrate Relationships

Some people have a natural talent for putting on parties. They find it fun and very satisfying. Others feel overwhelmed by the many details and do parties out of obligation and then rarely. They have high standards and make themselves crazy trying to please their guests. Many of us find that it can be more fun going to a friend’s home for a potluck meal, one where the work is shared. Working in someone else’s kitchen is a novelty. And many find it great fun to be as casual as possible. Hanging out at the park, going for a walk and a picnic, going for a drive and having snacks at a deli, all require minimal effort and leave lots of room for talking and sharing.

really meaningful to family members we may discover a better way to spend the last quarter of the year. We may feel a terriﬁc sense of freedom and relief. We have friends who go for a hike and picnic each Thanksgiving. Some families adopt the tradition of soup and sandwiches, buffet style, or a simple spaghetti dinner. Small children are too excited for a formal meal anyway. Some love to go on vacation. Other families prefer staying close to their homes. We rotate homes for the major holidays so everyone gets a turn being near their own hearth. Of course, as our family grows, our children also spend time with the in-laws, so we don’t

Focus on Those Less Fortunate

It is easy during the winter months to get caught up in the three ring circus A special highlight of my holiday preparation is working with the FamilyWorks staff to gather about ﬁve hundred toys, games, books, and clothing items for the very low-income families that APPLE FamilyWorks serves each year. Gift items start coming in after Thanksgiving. We dedicate our community room to the gift gathering and sorting activities. Then at an early holiday party our staff that serves these families gather up just the right gifts for the children. Most families are single parent families and have three or more children. Consider this Holiday Makingit a Family Project to: • Clean out the closets and give away nearly new but under-used items • Have each member of your family choose one gift for an under-privileged child their age. • Choose at least one activity in which your family directly participates in giving to the less fortunate. Contact the county’s volunteer service for lists of opportunities. • Simplify one of the usual activities and give the money that you save to a favorite cause. • Invite the neighbors to a simply pot luck gathering sometime during the next three months.

Make New Traditions

It is hard to try on new traditions. We don’t want to hurt others feelings and we don’t want a ﬂop. However, if we get a jump on the holidays and ﬁnd out what is

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

Magazine

always get everyone together. When we do, the cousins are so adorable. That’s the real celebration for all of us.

Spontaneity

While I’m advocating planning and prioritizing to get a jump on the holidays, plan in time to be spontaneous. I don’t want to underestimate the value of leaving time to just “go with the ﬂow”. Sometimes saying “no” to adding one more activity to our busy lives, gives us time to say “yes” to more fun.

Perhaps you and your family can explore the following questions: Write a set of questions down on separate pieces of paper for each family member. Ask them to answer the questions alone ﬁrst, then gather to share each personʼs answer. ( Tip: There are no wrong answers or feelings.) •What do we want the holidays to mean to our children and our family? •What have we done in the past that was painful/unsatisfying? •What fantasies/expectations do we have about the holidays? •What part does each family member play in creating pressure/fear? •Who do we think is watching/scoring our “performance”? •What part can each family member play in building positive experiences? •Which fantasies/fears/wants/desires can we give up? •Can we create some new traditions and rituals that ﬁt our particular family? •What can we do for ourselves and our community that are deeply satisfying and that will last into the new year? The process of discussion itself may relieve tension, increase camaraderie and bring more realistic expectations. Some ideas that have come out of such sharing include: •Draw names for a gift exchange. •Give time or money to a favorite charity in the otherʼs name. •Bring favorite pictures (tell stories about the pictures). •Give food to the homeless. •Limit the dollar value of gifts. •Invest the costs of cards/postage in savings account toward a family trip/event. •Simplify meals (potlucks, soup/sandwiches, picnic). •Write love notes/poems. •Meet with other parents (share successes/fears).

Magazine

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Tips for Parents of Twins & Multiples By: Heather Lewis

iving birth to twins or multiples can be both a blessing and a challenge. I am amazed at how many people will stop me to tell me how cute they are and even how lucky I am to have two. One little boy in the grocery store even asked how did I get two, to which I replied “they were on sale”. I havenʼt always felt lucky, especially when my boys didnʼt let me sleep for the ﬁrst nine months and I felt up to my ears in dirty diapers and dirty laundry.

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

Magazine

It hasn’t always been stressful though. I love when my now-three-year-old twins climb up in my lap and give me a group hug and tell me they love me. The will say the funniest things and are always making me smile. So it no longer bothers me (so much) having to clean up after two very active toddlers or the annoying strangers who stop to ask if they are twins (to which I am always tempted to say no). I have learned a bit over the last few years though and wish someone was there to write this article before I had my twins. So, here are some tips for those lucky parents of multiples: • ALWAYS keep the same feeding, changing, napping schedule. If you change one you change all – that way you never have to try to remember, in the sleepless fog your brain will be in, who did I change last? • It may sound silly but color code everything. I got this tip from a mother of triplets. Each baby had a different color bottle, pacifier, blanket, clothes, etc. If one baby doesn’t finish their bottle, you will know whose it was when pulling it out of the fridge later. It also makes it easier for family, friends, daycare providers, etc., to tell the babies apart. It will even help when years later you look back on those baby pictures and try to figure out who was who. • Make a chart and record changing times, feeding amounts, bowel movements, etc. This is especially helpful when having to administer medications or vitamins. When taking care of multiples it is very easy to completely lose your short-term memory for details like these. • Get older siblings involved. This will keep the older siblings from feeling left out and give you some extra hands when needed. I was lucky enough to have two older daughters before having twin boys. The girls became second mommies to their new baby brothers. Although, you may want to set limits on this. I will always remember when my girls decided to change their wiggly toddler brothers and I had two naked boys running around the house giggling. • Accept help whenever offered and, if not offered, then ask. Even if a friend comes over to visit the babies and you take a nap or a quick walk around the block. Drop the kids off at a relative’s house for a relaxing date night. Spending some time to yourself or with your significant other can help to refresh your mind and body and give you the energy to face another day of diapers and bottles. Magazine

• Most important of all, don’t forget to smile! If you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, it’s okay to ask for help. You need to take care of you so you can better take care of the babies. So don’t forget to laugh often, live well, and love much, and enjoy those babies while you can!

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Breaking Bad News: 4 Steps by Ross Bonander

in the evening so that the person has the emotional freedom to deal with the news in a place of comfort to them. A phone call isn’t ideal unless it’s the only means you have. E-mails and other impersonal forms of communication are not acceptable - ever. The following 4 steps to breaking bad news are built on the premise that a face-to-face discussion is possible.

reaking bad news is an event we all dread. Even homicide detectives, who routinely confront long hours, violent offenders and horrendously brutal crime scenes, almost without fail, cite that the hardest and worst aspect of their job is having to tell a family that their loved one has been the victim of a homicide. In general, one should always break bad news to someone in person, in a private place, at a quiet time (for example, not in the car on the way to work) and, if possible,

Get Ready to Feel Horrible

The first step you’ll want to take when you break bad news is to prepare yourself to feel horrible — really horrible. Yes, of course the news you’re about to deliver will hurt the other person a lot more than it will hurt you, but that presents a not-so-hidden danger that after you give the news you’re so shocked and surprised by how awful you feel for this person, whose life has been turned upside down, that you wind up hedging the bad news with something that’s not true in order to make them — and yourself — feel better, undermining the point of breaking bad news in the first place. It’s a common and very human reflex, but it’s one you have to resist. Even doctors with experience delivering bad news can be guilty of hedging that news with something meant to make the person feel less awful. A recent study revealed

Join Us In

ps... i h s n o i t a l e R ng i n e h t g n e Str

T ers’ Gro New Moth

ups

Temperam e

nt Assess m

ent

a Therapy

seling

nd Coun

familyworks.org 8

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

Magazine

that as many as one quarter of oncologists — cancer specialists — will inform a patient of a particularly bad prognosis and follow up by saying something to subvert it in order to soften the blow, regardless of whether it’s fully accurate or not. It’s human nature to want to make a person feel better, but it’s not always the right thing to do.

Drop a Warning

The next step to breaking bad news is to preface the news with a brief but adequate verbal warning that you’re about to drop a bomb on this person. Let’s face it, informing someone that a loved one has died is the kind of news that nobody can possibly prepare for adequately, especially if the news is totally unexpected, but a basic early warning is better than simply blurting out the news with no such warning. By saying, “you might want to sit down” or “I have something serious to tell you” you grant that person a brief few seconds to try to prepare themselves for what’s coming, even in the event that there’s no way they could possibly truly prepare. In short, a brief moment is better than nothing. But don’t tarry; drop the warning, and only wait a beat or two before breaking the bad news.

Use Plain Language

For the third step to follow when you break bad news, it’s relevant to refer back to those homicide detectives who almost universally use very plain language and never

Teen Life S k

ills

Parenting Classes

Disab

beat around the bush when they deliver bad news. It’s an important lesson to remember, since the use of vague or euphemistic terms may feel better to you but they only breed confusion, uncertainty and desperate follow-up questions that could have been avoided if you had used plain, simple language. To this end, you would be best off preparing precisely what you’re going to say in as few words as necessary, and not deviating from it when you actually break the bad news. The people getting the bad news are likely to remember this moment for as long as they live; the more clarity you provide off the bat, the better for everyone involved.

Provide Relief

Finally, the last step to follow when you break bad news is to be more than just the messenger. To the extent that it’s appropriate, be ready to offer yourself in a supportive way in an effort to provide them with some measure of relief, however minor, such as “I’ll be here for you.” or “If there’s anything I can do in the coming weeks, give me a call.” Just knowing that they aren’t being left abandoned and alone in this hideous time can be very reassuring. Just remember not to offer anything you’re not prepared to give. Rather, be ready for the reﬂex to mitigate their feelings by offering more than you can provide by having something prepared to say, since going any further will put you in a difﬁcult spot down the road.

ilities

Servic

enting Co-Par

Services

For a Lifetime Magazine

familyworks.org

familyworks.org Fall 2014

UPDATE Thanks to All Who Made Film Night 2014 a Great Season APPLE FamilyWorks, would like to take this Sunshine Bicycles, Tamalpais Pediatrics, Zamari opportunity to thank everyone who has supported Film Solari Bradley Real Estate, Alan Cascio DDS, Dr. Night in the Park. The season ran through September Freeman, Broken Drum, Comforts, The Coffee 27th and included wonderful films, terrific gatherings Roastery, Culture Shock, Fairfax Variety, Gathering and fun times for families and neighbors in Fairfax, San Thyme, Hairfax, Lincoln Park, Whytes Booksmith, Rafael and San Anselmo. On the One Merchandising and San Anselmo Gelato. Thanks also to those who donated at the films. All this APPLE FamilyWorks graciously acknowledges our support allows APPLE FamilyWorks to continue our Presenting Sponsors, Marin Clean Energy and Marin Sanitary Service, as well as our Festival Sponsors the core mission of helping people build essential life skills Marin County Board of Supervisors, Red Hill Shopping to strengthen relationships and enhance personal wellCenter, Golden Gate Tutoring Center and Good Earth being. Our work would not be possible without your support. Natural Foods for their generous contributions. We would also like to acknowledge the businesses that For more information about Film Night and the Park pitched in to ensure we could provide family, friends and and APPLE FamilyWorks please visit our website, neighbors the opportunity to gather in beautiful outdoor familyworks.org. settings, enjoy quality movies, and build a strong sense of community. Thanks to Taco Jane’s, Anacker Family Foundation, Bradley Real Estate, Dutra, Flour Craft Bakery, Linda Gridley and Mary Edwards with Coldwell Banker Realtors, Garcia and Associates, Ghiringelli’s Pizza, Jeff Kroot Architect, San Anselmo Optometry, Photo courtesy of Fast Forward 10

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

Magazine

Therapy and Life Skills Center At APPLE FamilyWorks, we know that parenting presents many challenges and can sometimes leave parents scratching their heads for new ideas. Our parenting classes teach an approach that makes the job of raising children fun and gratifying while reducing the tensin and frustration often experienced.

Parenting Today We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: • Increase cooperation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Enjoy time with your family Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Using the “New Time Out” • Giving effective directions • Setting clear consequences

• Receive respect & appreciation • Get chores & homework completed • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities • • • • •

nlin

po gn-u

r si

o Call

Listening completely Turning opposition into cooperation Knowing abilities & Temperament Applying “When...Then” Creating charts & reinforcements

Tuesdays Jan. 20 - Feb. 10, 2015 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Co-Parenting Today Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Manage constantly shifting • Deal with each other respectfully schedules • Increase cooperation • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Design consequences that work • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • End rudeness & backtalk

Tuesdays Jan. 20 - Mar. 10, 2015 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

familyworks.org Magazine

(415) 492-0720

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Therapy and Life Skills Center Adult and Family Therapy

Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, personcentered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT. The result is reduced stress and conﬂict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conﬂicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect

• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce

familyworks.org 12

Fall 2014

• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence

(415) 492-0720

familyworks.org

Magazine

Therapy and Life Skills Center Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens ﬁnd new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

Homevisits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

MommyTime Groups Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details. For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week. • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

For information, email mommytime@familyworks.org

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon NOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays English Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon Call for time and location.

familyworks.org Magazine

(415) 492-0720

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction

“When it comes to parenting support and education, APPLE FamilyWorks is

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting

• Early intervention in postpartum depression

• Development of social support systems

• Positive and peaceful discipline

• Linkage with others services

the gold standard.” GGRC Case Manager

Independent Living Skills • Academic growth

• Housekeeping

• Behavior management

• Transportation skills

• Stress Reduction skills

• Community access

• Injury prevention

• Employment readiness

• Nutrition

• Financial management and budgeting

• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care

• Development of social support Systems

Serving 11 Greater Bay Area Counties

CPR & First Aid Classes Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certiﬁcation upon completion. Saturdays, Nov. 15, 2014 & January 10, 2015 • CPR 9:30 a.m. - 1: p.m. • First Aid 1:15 - 4 p.m.

familyworks.org 14

Fall 2014

(415) 492-0720

familyworks.org

Magazine

Four Things to Look for When Buying Her First Bra

Expert Shares Tips for Parents and their Tweens developing breasts in first grade has tripled since 1997. “Another choice is shops like Victoria’s Secret, a place most parents don’t feel comfortable taking their young daughters to shop,” O’Brien notes. But there are options. Once you’ve found a comfortable place to shop with a good selection of choices, O’Brien offers these tips for ensuring your daughter is comfortable and happy in her first bra. • One size does not fit all. If your tween is average sized, bras labeled “one size fits all” may work. If you’re looking at bras with cup and band sizes, you’ll need to measure. For the band size, wrap the measuring tape around your daughter just under the breasts, where the band sits. Add 5 to that number, and that’s the size. (Tape says 23 inches, band will be 28 inches.) For cup size, measure around the fullest part of the chest and subtract that number from the band size. The difference is the cup size – 0 to 1 inch is an A; 2 inches is a B. • Check the strap length. Straps are very important to consider for fit -- especially if your tween is petite. If the strap is a traditional adjustable strap, such as those girl’s first bra is a rite of passage for both her and on most women’s bras, be sure it can be shortened her parents – and one that’s occurring at younger sufficiently. Elastic or stretchy straps are usually a safe and younger ages. For some girls, it’s a turning bet. point fraught with anxiety; for others, it’s a celebration. • Consider a lined bra – it’s not about making her look Either way, parents have a hard time ensuring their more developed than she is! Generally speaking, tween daughters have good memories of shopping for and padding is not meant to increase cup size. If a tween bra wearing their first bra. appears to have some padding, it’s typically a thin layer “Trying on your first bra in a big discount retail of foam used to smooth over the nipple area so nothing store can be unnerving for an 8- or 9-year-old who is visible under the shirt. It’s a modesty measure that may already feel shy about the experience,” says Kelly also helps some girls feel less self-conscious. O’Brien, a lingerie specialist whose experience with • Camisoles and sports bras are popular options for young customers led her to launch LingerTween (Tween. shy girls who worry a bra will call attention to them. A ShopLinger.com), the first ecommerce site dedicated short or full-length camisole provides a bit of coverage to undergarments for tweens. “And those stores have and isn’t as noticeable under a blouse. For the same limited selections, both in sizes and styles.” reason, some girls like to start with bras cut in a sporty The average Caucasian girl now enters puberty, style that don’t feel like a traditional bra. which is marked by breast development, at 9.7 years “In my shop, girls will come in with their mother old – about 4 months younger than just 17 years ago, and often their grandmother – buying that first bra is a according to an ongoing study as part of the Breast big deal!” O’Brien says. “This is a rite of passage for Cancer and the Environment Research Program. For everyone involved, and we can make it an experience black girls, the age is 8.8 years and the number of girls that’s fondly remembered decades later.”

by Ginny Grimsley

Magazine

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

The Leading Cause of Relationship Stress: Money

By Dayana Yochim hether you’re rich or poor, young or old, there’s one thing one-third of all couples have in common: They fight about money. Sniping about spending, saving, bills, budgets, and secret purchases cause more relationship stress than kids, in-laws, and -- you guessed it -- intimacy, according to the latest American Express Spending & Saving Tracker survey. Nearly half of overall survey respondents (45%) said that their money talks devolved into money arguments. Tiffs were most common among young professionals (under 30, college-educated, with household income of $50,000 or more), with 72% saying they squabbled about money. And, yes, even affluent couples (defined by American Express as those with more than $100,000 in household income) don’t always see eye-to-eye on the family finances: 44% fessed-up to feuding about finances with their betrothed. It’s no wonder we’re all fighting about finances and hiding our spending flaws: Fewer than half of Americans even remember having a conversation about money before marriage. And 12% say that they’ve never had a money talk. Ever. Then again, even if you and your partner are on financial speaking terms, are you sure she or he is telling the truth? How to commit financial infidelity One of most common lies among couples is not that those jeans actually are unflattering, but what those jeans really cost. It’s not uncommon for twosomes to disagree over purchases (46% of respondents say they have). Plenty admit to fibbing about the amount they spend (more than a quarter of couples do). Others go so far as to deny any existence of the purchase in the first place: 30% say they’ve bought stuff completely on the sly. Stealthy shoppers are creative about concealing the evidence. Here are some of the ways they said

Fall 2014

they kept their partner from discovering their ﬁnancial cheats: Ensuring the item arrived when their partner was out of town. Concealing purchases in grocery bags to bring the camouﬂage contraband into the house. Sneaking out at night to make the acquisition (and then hiding it under the bed). Burying purchases in the backyard.

How to handle money with your honey

Want to live financially happily ever after? Fudging the numbers or trying to bury your money problems in the backyard ain’t gonna cut it. Managing your money relationship is a twoperson job. You’ve got to take equal responsibility for keeping your joint finances on track, even if one of you does most of the heavy lifting. (If that’s the case, I suggest the other person volunteers to be the permanent dishwasher.) Here are six ways to keep things happy on the home front: 1. Set a formal date to sit down and discuss finances If this is a prickly topic in your household -- and it is for 91% of the Americans Amex surveyed, who said they avoid money talks -- you really don’t want to try to have this conversation on the fly. Or in public. After your first talk, set up quarterly meetings to track your progress.

2. Don’t dwell solely on the downer stuff.. like credit card debt, spending, or your ravaged investments. Instead, pick money goals that get you both excited, such as buying a home, a car, planning a big vacation, buying a new couch. Set short-, mid-, and long-term priorities and set achievable milestones (and a reward for achieving them) for each goal. 3. Establish ﬁnancial ground rules Set money rules so that not every little thing is an issue. For example, give each other spending space by setting

familyworks.org

Magazine

a weekly amount each of you can spend on whatever you want without consulting your partner. (In other words, institute a spouse allowance.) Also, set limits on what you can spend on household purchases without consulting your partner. That dollar threshold for the average American, according to the survey, is $275. That said, with around one-third saying they circumvent that rule by lying, you’ll want to... 4. Be careful about mingling your credit reputations While there’s no such thing as a “couples” or “joint” credit report, if you both are listed as joint account holders, any mismanagement will mar both of your credit ﬁles. Even if you’re each pristine borrowers,

maintain some credit autonomy (having a card in your name alone; keeping your oldest account from your single days active).

5. Hire a neutral third party A trusted ﬁnancial advisor (make sure they’re fee-only, not paid by commission) can be a relationship saver: They can help identify issues, map out a plan of attack, and, best of all, take the role of “bad cop” so you can keep the peace at home!

6. Deal with financial infidelity And finally, if you’re not going to fess up to past money blunders, at least vow to put all your cards on the table from this day forward until death do you part.

Managing your money relationship is a two-person job. You’ve got to take equal responsibility for keeping your joint finances on track, even if one of you does most of the heavy lifting.

Magazine

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Mental Martial Arts Tips To Make Studying Easier (and Fun!)

By Edward G. Brown

fter a summer of students letting their brain go where it wanted, when it wanted, now it’s time to focus on schoolwork again. It’s time to teach the brain how to “Focal Lock.” That’s just my term for abjuring distractions and interruptions in order to bear down on the subject on which you want to concentrate. You probably saw the same news story I did about the study that found some students can’t concentrate on their homework for more than two minutes without distracting themselves by texting, emailing or turning to social media – even when they were trying to concentrate. How discouraging is that? Many seem to think students should be good at concentrating just because it’s important. But you can’t expect someone to be good at math, or soccer, or the piano just because you ordered it. However, there is a specific pathway for your brain to learn these skills. And these six tactics will help:

the librarian’s shushing, or the chilly temperature, just call on your mind to move to another more pleasant or useful topic. After all, you are not a thermometer, obliged to rise when it’s hot and drop when it’s cold. You are not programmed to be irritated by interruptions. You have the freedom to choose to think about something cheerful instead: “I’m glad I took good notes to study from.” Or “This is an interesting book.”

• You can transcend your environment. When you really need to cram for tomorrow’s exam, but you keep getting distracted by unwanted interruptions (siblings, parents, friends, etc.),

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

• You can strive for constructive acceptance. There’s another way to handle those disagreeable things that tempt your focus away from your study. Instead of experiencing them in a negative way, you accept them in a constructive way. “I’m glad the librarian tries to make this a good learning environment. I’m glad my family/friends need me.” Accept that this is your study situation, acknowledge that it is not making study impossible and get back to the books.

• You can visualize the ideal. If constructive acceptance is hard to come by, then try its opposite (almost): Visualize the ideal versus the real. The reality is you are sitting in a cold room surrounded by annoy-

Magazine

ances that make it hard for you to concentrate. What’s the ideal? It might be visualizing yourself steadily making your way through the text, page by page, jotting down key points, and ﬁnally reaching the end. Or, visualizing your test coming back with a high grade. I promise you, you cannot remain annoyed by your surroundings when you are visualizing perfection.

• You can give yourself positive afﬁrmations. Try telling yourself something positive to replace the negatives that keep entering your mind. “I can get through this. I like studying. I like knowing that it’s all up to me.” Yes, at ﬁrst it might sound a bit silly – it did to me when I started doing it. But stay with it long enough for it to develop meaning and utility. You’re striving for two things: to program your subconscious with a positive conscious thought and to give yourself an adrenaline rush. You know about Pavlov and his dogs, right? The thought can create a physical change. • You can try a powerful psychological counterpunch. There’s a great technique that does with your mind what the great boxers do with their punches. When a counterproductive thought like, “I can’t stand this cramming – I’m going to bed.” threatens your focus, you throw up a mental counter-punch: “You won’t sleep well if you quit now.” And then you immediately follow it with your own best punch: “You’ll feel great in the morning if you stick with it now!”

Proud Sponsor of APPLE FamilyWorks 1050 4th St. San Rafael • (415) 457-6990

• You can change your internal “chip.” The human brain is like a computer memory chip. Once a pattern has been embedded into that chip, you can’t just will it to change. You have to replace it with a new one. If you have a negative habit, cultivate one to replace it. If you approach cramming with fear, replace it with good cheer. Open the book with a smile. When your concentration is interrupted, chuckle and put on headphones. If your pattern has you constantly checking to see how much more you have to study, instead check to see how much you’ve ﬁnished.Try these techniques, see which ones work best for you, and enjoy your studies! Edward G. Brown is a father of two, the author of The Time Bandit Solution: Recovering Stolen Time You Never Knew You Had and co-founder of the #1 ﬁrm in culture change management consulting and Cohen Brown Management Group. For more information, please visit, www. timebanditsolution.com and connect with Mr. Brown on Twitter, @EdwardGBrown.

Magazine

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Prepared for Disaster? By Belinda Mooney Earthquake, flood, or fire – disasters can happen to anyone, at any time and anywhere. And while we may not be able to prevent a disaster from happening, we can lessen the impact by being prepared with an emergency preparedness kit in our home. Keep in mind the special needs of family members and pets. Complete a first aid and CPR course.

Understand Your Area

Know which disasters are most likely to happen in your area. Some situations, such as ﬁre and ﬂood, can happen almost anywhere. But there are disasters that are unique to where you live. (E.g. hurricane’s, tornadoes, ice storms). You will want to know which radio stations carry continual weather updates, especially during bad weather season. Keep items in a visible and easily available location. Place perishables in plastic bins or coolers with a bright yellow label. Place all food that is usually boxed in waterproof bags.

Fall 2014

Food, Water, and Utensils

The American Red Cross states that in your emergency preparedness kit you should have enough food and water for three days.  Crackers and cookies  Cereal (dry)  Canned meat – tuna, chicken, sandwich spreads  Instant meals – the kind that need no refrigeration  Energy bars or snacks  Milk not needing refrigeration  Extra formula and baby food for baby  Bottled drinks – juice, energy drinks  Canned fruit and vegetables/soups  Water – for drinking  Water – for cleansing  Paper plates, cups, and ﬂatware  Manual can opener

familyworks.org

Magazine

Hygiene       

Diapers Toilet paper – include a roll in each personal kit Baby wipes (for cleansing) Disposable cloths Paper towels and disposable dishcloths Bucket as a substitute toilet Garbage bags

Warmth and Safety        

Spare batteries (for radio, ﬂashlights, cell etc.) Candles Flashlight and lanterns Battery operated radio Matches Duct tape Blankets or sleeping bags Plastic sheeting

First Aid                

Aspirin Tylenol (children’s pain reliever) Ibuprofen Antibiotic cream Cold & cough medication – children’s and adults Gauze and tape Tweezers Thermometer Insect repellant Disposable gloves Antiseptic wipes Toothache medication Small scissors Sandwich bags – to make ice packs Sewing kit Bandages of various sizes

Magazine

Personal Supplies

Place in waterproof bag, then a backpack- to be picked up at a moment’s notice:  Three extra sets of clothing for day and nighttime  Warm shoes, coat, gloves, and hat  Personal items such as feminine products as needed  Comb or brush  Prescription medications (one month’s supply)  Vitamins and minerals  Toothbrush & toothpaste  Razors  Shampoo  Soap  Additional pair of glasses or contacts

Stay Calm

Staying calm is key in any type of crisis. Having an emergency plan and disaster preparedness kit on hand can bring you the peace of mind you need to handle a disaster. Take the time to make a plan – where you will meet as a family and who is in charge of getting the kit or the kids – will prevent everyone from panicking. Consider putting a buddy system in place. Everyone is responsible for someone else. You and your partner only worry about each other. That prevents needless searching and hysteria if someone is missing.

familyworks.org

Fall 2014

Your Baby and Separation Anxiety By Heather Umphrey

e all know that having children is such a rewarding experience and that it is very easy to get caught up in parenting and have your child consume all of your time. As much as we love our children it is very important to make time for you and your spouse. I would recommend a date night at least once every two weeks. Leaving your child for a night can be tough as is, but if your child suffers from separation anxiety it can be even harder to get away. A child can experience separation anxiety for a number of reasons, whether due to a traumatic change such as weaning or a family move.

Fall 2014

Other times, the child is fully aware that when you leave you are still around but not with them which can cause their distress. Anxiety usually occurs after 6 months but can last well over a year. If you are faced with this issue, here are some techniques that you might ﬁnd helpful in diminishing your child’s distress and attaining that much needed quality time with your spouse. First, communicate with your child. Do not assume that they are too young to understand. Let them know what you are planning to do and for how long. It usually helps to give them a couple of days to process the information. Explain to them that it is only for a short while and that you will always come back. It is important to do this because it builds faith and trust in you as a parent, keeps them in the loop and creates a positive experience. Second, try to keep things as normal and familiar to your child when you leave. For instance, have someone come to your house to watch your little one rather than them going over there. Try to ﬁnd a sitter that your child knows and trusts, such as grandparents or family members. If at all possible, try to keep your child with his/her siblings. And it is helpful to have their favorite blanket, toy etc…All of this is a routine that your child is accustomed to and will create a more relaxed and comfortable environment. Third, always say “Good Bye” to your little one before leaving. This allows them to be fully aware of the transition of you leaving. By doing this, you can potentially avoid a meltdown once they realize that you are gone.

familyworks.org

Magazine

Some other things that might be helpful is leaving something behind for them that reminds them of you, like a picture, video or scarf. This can be a comfort for them knowing that some part of you is still there. Another technique would be to call your child on the phone during your outing, just to check in with them and let them know that you are out but will be home soon. This could help establish a train of thought that even though you are not there physically, you can still be there in other ways. This could create a security that they will hear from you and see you soon. It can also create a routine that once you call, they know that you will be home soon. However, use this technique at your discretion. Although this may work for some children, it can also have the adverse affect of reminding your child that you are not there and give them anxiety all over again. Either way it is important to keep these two things in mind…communicate and preparation. Different techniques will work for different children. Do not get frustrated, it is your child’s way of saying that they love and need you and with a little time and patience, your child should outgrow this stage sooner or later.

First, communicate with your child. Do not assume that they are too young to understand.

Making a Difference At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.

www.bankofmarin.com

Magazine

familyworks.org

Member FDIC Fall 2014

. s r u o nd farm e a rv ge, e es rita mily r p e fa h s ie ral nity t e ri ultu mu m c ri co r

ag ou

L A C M O L O C O I L N R A I E G H R

Open 8am to 9pm Every Day 720 Center Boulevard, Fairfax 415.454.0123 www.genatural.com

Fall 2014

familyworks.org

Magazine