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Magazine Spring 2014

The Strength Within

Stop the Fighting

Published by Magazine This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

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“Like us” on

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Winter 2014

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The Strength Within

by Akilah C. Thompson

Stop the Fighting

by Sharon Nolfi, MA, MFT

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The Fabric of Family

by Lane Elizabeth Dooling Child Behavior Problem?

by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

How Do You Know When You are Done Parenting

by Eric Lauber Ph.D.

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 APPLE Update 12 Parenting Services 13 Adult & Family Therapy Services 14 Child Therapy Services/Mommy Time 15 Developmental Disabilities Services 16 Four Ways Posture Affects Appearance

and Functionality

by Dottie DeHart

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Associate Director Editor & Design: Copy Editors:

Website: Web Publisher:

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Michael Diehl Lew Tremaine Pat Saunders Diana Wilkins Renaissance Graphic Design Renaissance Graphic Design

APPLE FamilyWorks®

Printed by:

S.W. Offset

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org

4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information: Michael Diehl Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 229 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: Michael@familyworks.org

Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries in five Marin Scope Weekly Community Newspapers, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2014 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.

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This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.

awarded to

Magazine

The Strength Within: Tips on Building Self-Esteem

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By: Akilah C. Thompson

reate a list of words that describe you. Some of them might be unique, beautiful, and strong. Low self-esteem is one of the major challenges people face every day. Images projected through television, music, social media and magazines have caused us to glorify celebrities and want to imitate them. However, a lot of what we see is not reality and does not reflect true beauty.

Technology has made it possible for celebrities to look perfect with Adobe Photoshop, cosmetic surgery, and professional makeup. But why would you want to be a copy when you can be an original? We are all made with differences ranging from the color of our skin, to the shape and size of our body. True beauty lies within.

Here are a few tips that will help you build your inner confidence.

Daily Affirmations

Start every day by saying something positive about yourself. Affirm your strengths! Positive reinforcement is important, and will create a mentality and atmosphere that will allow you to be productive and seek goodness in what you do.

Reward Yourself

Celebrate your success! It takes hard work and dedication to set goals and accomplish them. Grab some friends and head out for a night on the town or have a dinner and a movie at home. Either way, sit back, relax and enjoy your achievements. Remember, it is not easy to stay focused and complete a goal. So give yourself a pat on the back!

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Break Barriers!

One of the biggest obstacles faced when building self-confidence is fear. Fear is mental!

It is defined as F-alse E-vidence A-ppearing R-eal in your mind. The best way to overcome your fears is to step outside your comfort zone and not be afraid to fail. If you are terrified of public speaking, one way to overcome that fear is to walk up on a stage, stand behind the podium and speak!

It may take a few attempts, but eventually you will feal comfortable. Simply volunteering as a host in a school production, joining a Toastmasters club or even being on the debate team, can help you begin to build inner confidence. You will wake up one day and realize that an area you used to be afraid of has become one of your strengths.

Sometimes, overcoming our fears can lead us to future passions and ultimately our purpose.

Positivity is Key

Life will undoubtedly have its ups and downs and mistakes will happen. However, dealing with disappointment is being able to tell yourself, “everything will be okay.” Self-motivation is essential. Positive self-talk will help you push through any obstacles, when your subconscious tells you “I can¹t do this.” Keep a circle of positive people that give off good vibes, keep you motivated and want to see you succeed. With an “I CAN” attitude and supportive friends, you will be equipped to overcome many obstacles in your path.

Treating your body right

Eating healthy and exercising is another way to boost your self-confidence. Feeling good about the person in the mirror starts with exercising and eating right. If you look better, you will feel better about yourself. Eating fruits, vegetables, Continued on next page

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The Strength Within

continued from page 3

good carbs and a variety of lean meats allows your body to maintain strong bones and gain energy. Exercising keeps the body actively working to the best of its ability. Exercising, does not necessarily mean getting a gym membership. You can go for bike rides, jog around in your neighborhood, go swimming or even pull up a Zumba video on YouTube. No matter what activity you do, looking and feeling good will be the end rewards. Taking the pledge to make healthy eating choices while staying active will boost your confidence.

Loving You

BE YOU! Nobody’s perfect, we all have flaws and faults and that’s what makes us human. Your ideas, gifts, perspectives, voice and physical features make you one-of-a-kind. Let your voice be heard and showcase your talents.

Don’t be defined by others.

Embrace the person in the mirror because you are the way you are for a reason. Laugh louder and smile wider because you have something to offer the world. Be comfortable in your own skin and accept both your external and internal beauty.

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Confidence brings light to your inner self.

Define what makes you different and create your own personal brand. Remember, there is no one like you and you should love being who you are.

Live life and be grateful for each day, continue to see the beauty in yourself and shine the light on others.

One of the biggest obstacles to building self-confidence is fear. Fear is defined as : F-alse E-vidence A-ppearing R-eal The best way to overcome your fears is to step outside your comfort zone.

Akilah C. Thompson is a Summa Cum Laude graduate of North Carolina A & T State University where she earned Bachelor of Science degrees in Accounting and Business Economics.

She is an IRS Enrolled Agent, Certified Life Coach, Licensed Zumba Instructor, and Inspirational Speaker. She is the Founder & CEO of her trademark company ACT Inspires, Inc. and nonprofit, Generations Inspired, Inc. Akilah is also a model, actor, and author. For more information, please visit actinspites.com.

Live life and be grateful for each day, continue to see the beauty in yourself and shine the light on others.

Teen Life S k

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Parenting Classes

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For a Lifetime Magazine

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Stop The Fighting!

10 Solutions to Sibling Rivalry

By Sharon Nolfi, M.A., MFT

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any parents wonder why their children fight with each other.

All of us are hurt and stressed by the level of nastiness that sometimes passes between brothers and sisters. The good news is that you can reduce sibling rivalry by understanding its causes and addressing the issues it raises.

“Sibling rivalry” is the formal term psychologists use to describe the normal squabbles among children in the same family. Every child craves the individual attention of each parent, and each wants to be the child loved most by Mom and Dad. Children lack the mental maturity to understand that a parent’s love expands with the birth of each additional child so that each child is loved equally.

Each of your children views her siblings as rivals for first place in your affections.

Many fights that seem to be about particular issues are really about trying to win the exclusive love of one or both parents. It’s common and normal for a child to wish occasionally that his siblings simply didn’t exist. These feelings may be intensified in stepfamilies, because children feel they are competing with the 6

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stepparent as well as step-siblings for parental attention.

You will never completely eliminate sibling squabbling.

Your goals should be lessening its intensity and reducing its frequency. Follow these tips to increase peaceful coexistence in your family:

Accept Your Child’s Negative Feelings. Accept that anger, envy, and even temporary hatred are normal and real feelings experienced between siblings. Respond to these outbursts by first acknowledging that you can understand how he could feel as he does, and that you accept it. You can suggest solutions after your child has calmed down.

Alone Time With You. Spend some time completely alone with each child on a regular basis. Plan an activity for just the two of you, or just sit and snuggle. Whatever you do together, give that child your undivided attention and really listen to her.

Individual Recognition. Be ready with praise for individual achievements. All family members should behave this way. Every child does something well, so celebrate even small accomplishments.

Family Sharing. Have a designated time each day or week during which each child shares his successes and receives praise from other family members. Dinner is the traditional time for family sharing, but if individual schedules prevent this, set aside a regular meeting time when everyone is free, at least weekly. Teach you children to praise each other.

Special Spaces. Many sibling disputes are “territorial,” as one child disturbs another’s belongings or enters his space. Every child, like every adult, needs a space exclusively his, no matter how small. Everyone should

Magazine

respect the room, corner or desk set aside for each family member.

Stop Teasing. Even well intentioned teasing can quickly turn into emotional abuse. Recognize that children can be deeply hurt by repeated teasing. Some people tease as a way of giving affection, but there are more direct and positive ways to show you care.

Forbid All Types of Physical Aggression. Pushing, hitting, biting and other kinds of physical attacks are abuse and can quickly escalate into actual injury. These behaviors have no place in a healthy family. Restrain yourself and make sure you employ non-physical solutions to disagreements.

Be A Good Role Model. Treat each family member with respect. Settle disputes with fairness. Your own behavior is the best teacher of all.

Help Children Design Solutions. Show your children how to calmly settle differences on their own, keeping their focus on problem behaviors instead of personalities.

Help them learn the skills of active listening and mutual compromise.

Align on Parenting. Discuss and agree on a consistent approach to sibling disputes. All strategies work better when both parents react to discord in the same way.

You will never eliminate sibling rivalry, but you can reduce its frequency and intensity. This benefits everyone in the family, now and in the future. Siblings will find it easier to forge strong long-term relationships that can continue into adulthood, and you will enjoy a more peaceful home.

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When Are You Done Parenting?

5 Ways to Find Out

By Erick Lauber, Ph.D.

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or many parents, when their children enter the teen years, things get more confusing. When the kids were younger it was kind of easy, or at least simpler.

Keep them safe. Make sure they eat healthy. Let them know they are loved, etc…

But when the kids are teens, “good parenting” gets harder and harder to define. Are you supposed to step in and fight their battles for them, or hang back and let them figure it out on their own? Can you prevent heartbreaks or must you only provide counseling afterwards? And does anyone know exactly what to do about sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll? When are you done parenting?

If you survey your friends about this question you might get responses like, “when your children are independent,” or “when they can take care of themselves.” But how shall we define “independent”? When are our kids grown up?

Does it magically happen one day, perhaps, the day they

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graduate high school or move out? Those seem like arbitrary dates and not all kids mature at the same rate, right?

If we focus on what really worries parents, that their children will not grow up happy, healthy and wise, we are lead in a different direction. For example, most - if not all - parents have been focused on taking care of their child’s “future self,” not just the present one. Responsible parents have been denying their children candy in the grocery aisle, getting them up for school every day, and making a thousand other decisions knowing that these choices will be best for their child in the long run.

So, one answer to our question is “when the young adult starts making decisions that are in the best interests of their future selves, not just meeting their current wishes or needs.”

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So what does that look like? How shall we define a “happy, healthy and wise person” and how will we know when our children are headed in the right direction?

Wellbeing

Fortunately, these questions are somewhat answerable.

The Gallup organization has been studying life satisfaction and individual happiness for many, many years.

Their concept of the good life is informed by millions of survey responses and top notch social scientists. Their results support our intuitive notion that we all want basically the same things. Gallup has combined these few universals into a concept called “wellbeing.” When we are doing well in each of these categories, we give ourselves very high scores on wellbeing.

For our purposes, these five categories allow us to break down the question “is our child headed in the right direction?” into five more specific questions. Our child will do well in life and have high wellbeing down the road if they are taking care of themselves in the areas of career, social, physical, financial and community wellbeing.

Career

The Gallup organization has discovered that the single most important element of one’s wellbeing is a person’s self-evaluation of their career wellbeing. This question is not about how much money you make, but instead about how much you enjoy what you do on a daily basis. Part of our job as parents is to help our children select and get into a career they will enjoy. This doesn’t mean we have to find the right job for them, or even select their college major. It means we have to help our children understand enjoying your work is very, very important.

As they understand themselves better and better, they have to be responsible for making their careers, and thus their lives, enjoyable.

Social

Similarly, we cannot make relationship decisions for our children, but we can pull back on parenting when we can see they are taking care of themselves and their future selves in this arena. Are they forming strong bonds with people at work or school? Does it look like these relationships will last for years? Are they able to navigate brief disruptions in those relationships? Are they forward-looking in their choice of a spouse?

If you survey your friends about this question you might get responses like, “when your children are independent,” or “when they can take care of themselves.” But how shall we define “independent”?

When are our kids grown up? Does it magically happen one day, perhaps, the day they graduate high school or move out? Those seem like arbitrary dates and not all kids mature at the same rate, right?

Physical

We as parents have been taking care of our children’s physical health for quite some time. How are they doing in that department? Are they doing the day-to-day things that will lead to a long term healthy life style? Are they avoiding major risk factors that could create catastrophic results for their health and wellbeing? We might disagree as parents in the specifics, but if we step back and assess the overall pattern, is our child on his/her way to being a healthy, productive adult?

Financial

Can our child manage money? Many parents will “test drive” their teenagers’ financial decisions by either giving them their own money, maybe as an allowance, or encouraging them to get a part-time job. Though we won’t Continued on page 10

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When Are You Done Parenting? continued from page 9

Parenting Today & Co-parenting Today

agree with every buying decision, we want to know is our child learning about the importance of money, and whether or not they can save for big things instead of spending it all right now.

Community

Finally, the Gallup organization has found a significant correlation in an individual’s self-reported wellbeing and their involvement in their community. Volunteering is a significant contributor to our happiness and can inoculate us from stress and other negative emotions. Does our child show any tendency toward this kind of sacrifice and involvement? Do they belong to clubs or service organizations? Do they understand the importance of volunteering?

To answer the question “when are we done parenting?” we must have a goal in mind. Wellbeing is at least one way of answering and describing what we want our children to achieve throughout their lives. As Call: we begin to think about when our jobs as parents might be winding down, we can use the five categories of the or get more info at Gallup organization’s wellbeing index as a way to ask familyworks.org more specific questions about whether our child is not just taking care of their present needs and wants, but also their future selves. Though all of us know our roles as parents will never really be over, it is completely acceptable to say the job can evolve.

The kind of parent we want to be is someone who can celebrate, from the sidelines, our child’s happiness Building confidence, character, and wellbeing.

(415) 492-0720

and emotional intelligence, one feeling at a time!

Fun Family Activities Educational Curriculum

Professional Development Workshops

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Erick Lauber, Ph.D. is an applied psychologist and faculty at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. He speaks and consults on personal growth and development, life balance and change. He has won 19 educational TV/film awards and is published in numerous journals and psychology conferences. For more information, please visit www.ErickLauber.com or call 724-464-7460.

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UPDATE Libby Pischel, Doug Woodard Join APPLE FamilyWorks Board

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ibby Pischel, of Larkspur and Doug Woodard, of San Rafael have been elected to the APPLE FamilyWorks Board of Directors. They join President Anjana Berde, Vice President Rita Trumbo, Treasurer Maria Villani and Secretary Mark Clark to head the Therapy and Life-Skills Center.

Libby is a public relations professional with 30 years of experience. Since 1990, she has served as the Public Information Officer for the Marin Municipal Water District.

Her career has taken her from New York City, to Burlingame, San Francisco and Marin.

Libby received her BA in English from Westminster College in New Wilmington, PA. She also attended San Francisco State’s College of Extended Learning and holds a certificate in Core Strengths Coaching.

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Film Night Torch Passed to APPLE FamilyWorks

fter 20 years as the Producer of Film Night in the Park, Tom Boss will be passing the torch to APPLE FamilyWorks for the 2014 outdoor summer film festival.

For the past 13 years, APPLE served as Film Night’s non-profit sponsor, managing accounting and providing the festival with non-profit status under its 501(c)(3) Lew Tremaine, APPLE’s liaison to the Film Night project for the past 13 years will fill Tom’s role as producer of the events, 22 of which are planned for the coming summer in San Anselmo’s Creek Park, Fairfax’s Contrati Ball Field, San Rafael’s Peacock Gap Park and at China Camp State Park.

Tom will serve in the capacity of Sponsorship Consultant for the coming season, transitioning outreach duties to APPLE FamilyWorks Associate Director Magazine

Doug is a partner in the Penwood Partners consulting firm in San Rafael, which counsel’s business leaders, couples and individuals to realize their spiritual potential.

Doug Received a JD degree from University of Cincinnati College of Law, a Masters in Public Policy and Administration from University of WisconsinMadison and a Bachelors in American History & Political Science from Washington International College.

“We are delighted to add these two community leaders to our Board,” said APPLE FamilyWorks founding Executive Director Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith. “Their talents and creativity are a perfect match for the rest of our outstanding Directors.”

Michael Diehl as the season progresses.

“We will continue the Film Night Tradition, providing families and neighbors the opportunity to gather in a beautiful place to enjoy quality movies and build community.” Tremaine explained.

The 2014 the line-up of films will include two “Tribute Weekends”, One will honor Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain, featuring The Apartment and Moulin Rouge. The other will honor Sidney Poitier, featuring To Sir with Love and Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Other films will include: The Croods, Monster’s University, Iron Giant, The Butler, Fifth Element, Money Ball, Despicable Me 2, Crazy Stupid Love, Silver Linings Play Book, Hercules, Legally Blond, Homeward Bound, Frozen, 20 Feet to Stardom, The Sapphires, Pacific Rim and Up.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center At APPLE FamilyWorks, we know that parenting presents many challenges and can sometimes leave parents scratching their heads for new ideas. Our parenting classes teach an approach that makes the job of raising children fun and gratifying while reducing the tensin and frustration often experienced.

Parenting Today We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: • Increase cooperation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Enjoy time with your family Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Using the “New Time Out” • Giving effective directions • Setting clear consequences

• Receive respect & appreciation • Get chores & homework completed • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities • • • • •

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Listening completely Turning opposition into cooperation Knowing abilities & Temperament Applying “When...Then” Creating charts & reinforcements

Tuesdays May 6 - May 27, 2014 6:30 - 8:30 p.m.

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Co-Parenting Today Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Manage constantly shifting • Deal with each other respectfully schedules • Increase cooperation • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Design consequences that work • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • End rudeness & backtalk

Tuesdays May 6 - June 17, 2014 6:30 - 8:30 p.m.

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

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Therapy and Life Skills Center Adult and Family Therapy

Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life.

We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect

• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce

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• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions

• Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence

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Therapy and Life Skills Center Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood.

Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

Homevisits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

MommyTime Groups Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.

For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week.

• Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

For information, email mommytime@familyworks.org

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon NOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays English Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon Call for time and location.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction

“When it comes to parenting support and education, APPLE FamilyWorks is

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting

• Early intervention in postpartum depression

• Development of social support systems

• Positive and peaceful discipline

• Linkage with others services

the gold standard.”

GGRC Case Manager

Independent Living Skills • Academic growth

• Housekeeping

• Behavior management

• Transportation skills

• Stress Reduction skills

• Community access

• Injury prevention

• Employment readiness

• Nutrition

• Financial management and budgeting

• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care

• Development of social support Systems

Serving eleven Greater Bay Area Counties

CPR & First Aid Classes Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

Saturday May 17, 2014 CPR 9:30 a.m. - 1 p.m.

First Aid 1:15 p.m. - 4 p.m.

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How Posture Affects Appearance and Functionality

by Ginny Grimsley

“To some extent, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the things we consider beautiful usually share certain characteristics, with symmetry and vitality being chief among them,” says CEO Bill Schultz.

“The human body is an excellent example,” says Schultz, president of posture innovator AlignMed, www.alignmed.com, and recent recipient of a special Congressional Recognition certificate for his contributions. “The people we view as physically attractive are usually healthy and symmetrical in appearance. That’s not a coincidence; postural symmetry and good health go hand-in-hand.”

“Good posture – holding the head, shoulders and trunk in perfect alignment – creates balance, which allows our many physiological systems to function optimally, “ Schultz says. When we habitually sit, stand or walk in a less than fully aligned position, muscles stretch or contract to accommodate. This can result in chronic imbalances that can lead to pain.

Studies dating back to the 19th century also suggest our posture affects mood, energy and self-confidence, all of which affect how attractive we appear to others.

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“ Y o u don’t see supermodels, A-list actors or the rest of the ‘beautiful people’ slouched over as they strut down the runway or red carpet,” Schultz notes.

“Think about the importance of posture among the most challenging sports; for track runners, ballerinas and gymnasts, optimal posture is essential,” says Schultz, who explores four ways in which posture is part of the beauty-health connection.

• It’s not just sitting for hours on end that’s bad for you; it’s how one sits. The dangers of sitting have garnered plenty of attention in recent years, especially since we have become a society of sitters. Sitting for long periods comes with many health risks, including obesity and cardiovascular disease. But sitting with less than perfect posture – most frequently, sitting with the head and should in a forward position over a desk -- can cause significant neck pain, which involves muscles and nerves from the neck down. Proper posture can prevent neck and spinal damage.

• More than 116 million Americans, or a third of the

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population, suffer from chronic pain at some point in their lives. That’s according to a recent report from the Institute of Medicine. Chronic pain means that a sufferer has anywhere from 30 to 60 days of lasting pain, and this massive problem is estimated to cost Americans $635 billion dollars. For many, treatment and/or prevention is out of reach, however, a reliable and easy way to prevent chronic pain is to maintain good posture.

• A strong, well-functioning core is crucial for training and optimal health. The bulk of a body’s mass is located at and around one’s core, including the trunk and pelvis region. Today’s fitness fanatics firmly grasp the importance of a healthy core. Surprisingly, however, much of the health-conscious population today is muscle-centric and does not fully appreciate the importance of posture,

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even though proper posture facilitates core strengthening, especially while exercising.

• Using passive therapy can continuously improve posture. To feel and look your best, it’s important to maintain good posture throughout the day, but that’s difficult, especially for sedentary people. Posture-enhancing apparel such as MyLign by AlignMed, worn by professional athletes including NBA player Dwight Howard, offer neurologic biofeedback that constantly remind the skeleton and muscles to self-correct. AlignMed founder Shultz says the shirts are not compression shirts, which squeeze the body and are primarily worn for aesthetics. “The shirts map muscles in the same way kinesio tape – used to reduce inflammation, relax muscles and enhance performance – assists world-class athletes,” he says.

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The Fabric of Family

by Lane Elizabeth Dooling

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ooking back, I have always been aware of how special family traditions are - as a child, teenager, young adult and now full circle as a parent. I remain a bit amazed at the power of simple family traditions how the smallest practices seem to have a special meaning to be long remembered. Even more amazing is that they can be interwoven into the fabric of dysfunction that sometimes defines the backdrop of family life. I have known many people who did not have easy childhoods but were able to come through them possibly clinging to the happiness and familiarity their family traditions brought, even if limited. I can’t help but conclude that these reoccurring events or customs offer hope, comfort and optimism - gold sparkles amidst cloudy days .

I was reminded of my dedication and gratitude to family traditions when I was helping my son with an English paper a few years ago. I briefly skimmed an excerpt from the book by Marie Winn entitled, Television: The Plugin Drug. After reading the author’s thoughts on family

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rituals, my deep connection of traditions was vindicated - I suddenly understood why they are so important.

Ms. Winn writes, “Ritual is defined by sociologists as that part of family life that the family likes about itself, is proud of and wants formally to continue. The development of a ritual by a family is an index of the common interest of its members in the family as a group.”

She defines these rituals as, “the frequent, dependable, regular happenings that give a sense of belonging. These rituals are not material in nature but social and cultural.

These rituals create a bond and interaction between family members. Rituals make the family feel good about itself.”

Although there are a wide gamut of dynamics in family life, I believe family rituals and traditions act as the glue and buffer to keep families bonded and rise above negative components. And, I agree with Ms. Winn in that they don’t have to be expensive or over-the-top experiences. Over the years, I have talked with many people about childhood traditions and have always noted

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that most of them were simple and sweet yet remained very sacred to them. I remember a family down the street that went camping every month or so along with being very close to extended family - there was always an aunt or grandparent at the house (and it didn’t matter that they were a little “kooky”). I’ve known people who headed to the lake for a month in summer to beat the heat living in a rustic cabin and loving it. In my own childhood that had its share of dysfunction, I can look back at the seasonal activities that we always did - filled out Valentine’s Day cards, dyed Easter eggs, attended fun classes in summer school, played ping pong and swam at the neighbor’s pool (and raided the freezer in search of mini frozen Snicker bars reserved for the parents), back-to-school shopping (even though it was always too hot to wear what we bought the first month or two of school), school Halloween parade and trick-or-treating (dumping out the candy after and trading with my sisters), eating my grandma’s homemade pumpkin pie with “real” whipped cream at Thanksgiving, excursions into San Francisco for Christmas Shopping (for quality shopping at the now closed Woolworth’s!), my grandmother visiting from Grand Junction, Colorado and anticipating seeing the

white box with gold lettering from Enstrom Candies which contained the best English toffee ever (still available!). And, for many years, the sight of the Sear’s Wishbook in early December symbolized the holiday season. Although I did receive gifts from it - it was less about the materialism and more about tradition and fantasy surrounding the holidays.

I believe the one main memory that resonates with my family and our small extended family was the annual vacation in August to La Jolla in the San Diego area.

We packed up the car and headed down Highway 5 for a two-week stay in rented apartments or a house located near the beach. Our grandparents joined us from Philadelphia, along with my aunt, uncle and cousin.

In addition, a few other families vacationed there at the same time so we saw them every year. Although we did fun excursions to tourist attractions, it was the simpler things that made it so special. Every morning we would take a beach walk - before the beach came alive with the crowds and the scent of coconut sun tan lotion floated through the air. To this day, whenever I smell the buttery coconut fragrance of Hawaiian Tropic continued on page 22

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Child Behavior Problem?

by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

M

aybe it’s to do with toilet training, maybe concentration at school or perhaps it’s concern for drugs and alcohol. It may have to do with not listening, breaking curfew, escalating conflicts or perhaps about sex. Whatever it is, at some point you may seek help for a child related concern.

It is important to note that there are many issues that can give rise to behavior problems. Some of those issues include: a learning disability; attention deficit disorder, distraction by problems at home and with parents (domestic violence, child abuse, parental alcoholism/drug 20

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abuse, financial struggles); prior academic absences due to recurring illnesses creating gaps in learning; prior concussions; inadvertently permissive parents who don’t hold the child meaningfully accountable to expectations; victimization by bullying, undiagnosed auditory processing issues; undiagnosed eyesight problems; limited structure after school to enable and encourage homework and/or access to too many electronic distractions. And these are only a few of many more.

Because there are so many different underlying causes to the same observable behavior problem, to be most

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helpful, the right underlying cause must be targeted for intervention. The way to figure out the right underlying cause is through a bio-psycho-social assessment. That means meeting with a mental health professional who will assess the issue from multiple perspectives. In short, the assessor will wonder about biologically determined issues, psychologically determined issues and socially determined issues including family, school and community.

A bio-psycho-social assessment is conducted by meeting with both parents ahead of ever meeting the child. Only both parents can advise as to the child’s developmental history as well as their own history as a couple and their respective family of origin. Typically, clues to the child’s present day behavior problems will be discovered, the result of this assessment and then the appropriate treatment protocol can be established.

For instance, the child who had mysterious stomachaches was referred for assessment after numerous medical investigations couldn’t determine a cause. It turns out the child made up the stomachaches whenever his parents were in an argument in order to divert their attention from their fight. In another situation, the 8-year-old child who was

thought to have ADHD, turns out to have had an auditory processing disorder when the assessment revealed numerous ear infections as a toddler, affecting higher order auditory processing development. Focusing only on the observable child behavior issue would not have uncovered a child worried about parental conflict or may have seen a child placed on medication, when other educational compensatory strategies were required.

If you are seeking counseling on a child related matter, both parents should attend at least the first meeting together and without the child (regardless of age). It just may be that in meeting with both parents, obtaining a history, yet never meeting the child, the mental health professional can offer guidance appropriate to the assessed problem. That alone can lead to the alleviation of the child related concern and if not, it can lead to a more appropriate course of action.

Better assessment equals more appropriate treatment.

Gary Direnfeld, LCSW is a social worker in Ontario, Canada.

Canadiain Courts consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters.

Child, Youth & Teen Services Temperament Assessment Using temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential.

Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings.

Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available.

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Therapy with Children In APPLE FamilyWorks’ child-centered “playrooms,” skilled therapists create a safe and accepting environment for children to share their experiences and express their feelings through a guided, self-healing process. Using a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance.

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Therapy with Teens APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood.

Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater selfesteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

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The Fabric of Family continued from page 19

, I am instantly transported back to “our” beach. We would spend the afternoons at the beach - hanging out, rafting, body surfing and then walk to the “Speedy Mart” for a slurpee or ice cream treat. Towards the end of our stay, we would have the annual family art contest - we made creatures out of things collected at the beach (and some Elmer’s Glue). Thank goodness my Grandmother helped me since I did not inherit her artistic talent. My Uncle was the MC and he had a good time hamming it up. After two weeks in La Jolla, my grandparents stayed with us for two weeks making this a very sacred time. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that one of the big reasons La Jolla was so special to me was that it was really where I got to know my grandparents since they lived on the East Coast until my sisters and I were teenagers.

Ms. Winn’s concerns of her book were originally centered on the distraction television caused families.

Her main points centered on how television changed the focus of family and traditions...and how it got worse with multiple televisions in homes since this allowed family members to watch different programs separately. Things as simple as family gatherings changed since there was less interaction (kids “playing”) and adults talking with television now being the center of attention. Flash forward numerous decades, with so many pressures and distractions (many more “screens”) vying for children’s attention, it is even more imperative for families to try hard to create solid traditions and rituals. Yet, it seems that parents feel like technology has taken over - games systems, texting and online games are far more interesting to their kids than things like board games, outside activities or even being on a sports team. And, to some degree, it seems like parents can take responsibility since many are also plugged into their own technology - cell phone, Facebook, laptop, etc. This is very noticeable at kids’ games or activities parents are texting or talking on their cell phones (it isn’t just the teenagers!). A few years ago, my daughter asked me why parents bring a pile of paperwork to the soccer or baseball game...or talk on their phone the whole game.. and said rather sadly that maybe they just shouldn’t come.

Unfortunately, with the entire family plugged in, the end result is a lack of effort and awareness and subsequently, 22

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a loss of traditions.

These concerns can be transferred to the powerful effect of the newer technology that has caused a lot of separation and isolation for both children and adults. Yet, with conscious effort, I believe it is possible to resurrect family ritual making, especially if children are put at the top of the list (which might mean parents have to forgo their own interests to some degree). When I talk to families, I enjoy hearing that there has been a resurgence of playing board games (interestingly enough - they are the same games I played as a child), riding bikes, taking hikes, heading to local football or baseball games, participating in community service, helping out at school/sports teams, along with participation in Boy Scouts (in its 103rd year) and Girl Scouts (in its 102nd year). Perhaps it is how time

I am instantly transported back to “our” beach. We would spend the afternoons at the beach - hanging out, rafting, body surfing and then walk to the “Speedy Mart” for a Slurpee or ice cream treat. Towards the end of our stay, we would have the annual family art contest - we made creatures out of things collected at the beach (and some Elmer’s glue). Thank goodness my grandmother helped me since I did not inherit her artistic talent.

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is managed or the possible impact from the downward economy that helped families get a bit back to basics. For our blended family, our annual trip to the Lair of the Bear family camp in Pinecrest, CA, has become my La Jolla memory for my children, stepchildren and husband - it is treasured all year long and is its own oasis when we are there every June. The beach activities I did as a child have been replaced with ghost stories and s’mores, Blue Review, boating, disco bingo, pool parties, Capture the Flag, campfires, mountain air...and the wonderful friendships that grow richer every year. Just as we talked about La Jolla all year round growing up, it is priceless to hear our children talk about the Lair year round...their own “jewel” in the middle of the woods!

Time is precious and, in a blink of an eye, another year has passed by...it is time to take hold of whatever time we have and make the small moments add up...because those will be the little nuggets of gold that will be remembered, cherished and passed on.

Making a Difference At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community.

We invite you to get to know us.

www.bankofmarin.com

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Make Your Own Clean Cleaners Instead of using conventional cleaning products that pollute, select from Good Earth Natural Food’s green cleaners, or do it yourself! Make your own clean cleaners using simple ingredients that are just as effective. You’ll save money while protecting yourself, family, and pets from off-gassing toxic fumes, and our environment from hazardous chemicals.

All Purpose Cleaner Mix 2 cups water, 1 cup hydrogen peroxide and the juice of 1/4 lemon into a spray bottle.

Consider reusing an old spray bottle to keep it out of landfill.

Dusting Use microfiber cloths. If needed, a little olive oil makes a fine furniture polish.

Disinfectant Forget bleach! Mix 2 cups of water, 3 tablespoons of liquid Castile soap, and 30 drops of tea tree oil in a spray bottle.

Drain Cleaner When your drain becomes slow, pour 1/2 cup of baking soda down the drain followed by 1/2 cup vinegar. Wait 15 minutes and pour a kettle down the drain. Repeat if needed. (Use only on metal pipes, not plastic).

Windows and Mirrors Mix 2 teaspoons of vinegar with warm water in a spray bottle. Spray on windows and mirrors not in direct sunlight and wipe with newspapers. Works much better than commercial glass cleaners.

Bathroom Mold Mix 1 cup hydrogen peroxide with 2 cups water. Spray on mold, wait one hour and scrub with bristle brush.

If you reuse old bottles, be sure to re-label them and keep all supplies in a basket with these recipes. If you hire cleaners, think about sharing your homemade cleaners and instructions. Thank you!

Carpet Spots Mix until foamy 1/4 cup of liquid Castile soap, 1/3 cup water and 10 drops peppermint essential oil. Rub foam into soiled area and rinse with vinegar.

Oven Cleaner Fill an ovenproof dish with water, heat in a 350˚F oven and let steam soften any bakedon grease (approximately one hour, or until most liquid has evaporated). After oven cools, spread a paste of equal parts baking soda, salt and water. Let sit overnight. Remove gunk with spatula and scrub with steel wool. Rinse and wipe clean.

Shopping List __White Vinegar __Baking Soda __Hydrogen Peroxide __Liquid Castile Soap __Essential Oils like Tea Tree, Peppermint, or Lavender __Lemons __Steel Wool __Microfiber Cloths

720 Center Blvd. Fairfax, CA • 415-454-0123 genatural.com • Open 8am to 9pm

720 Center Blvd. Fairfax, CA | 415-454-0123 | www.genatural.com | Open 8am to 9pm Every Day 24

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