Magazine Winter 2014
Coping with Adversity TV in the Bedroom: Friend or Foe?
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Give Your Teen Freedom by Ginny Grimsley
Share & Tell by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MFT
Coping with Adversity by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
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Reduce Lyme Disease Risks
Setting Limits and Boundaries Without Saying “No” by Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT
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TV in the Bedroom: Friend or Foe? by Eric Sorenson
By Joan Casanova
APPLE FamilyWorks 11 APPLE Update 12 F.I.T. 13 Therapy Services 14 Developmental Disabilities Services 15 Parenting Services 16
Make Reading the Center of Your Children’s Universe by Dottie DeHart
FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Editor & Design: Lew Tremaine Copy Editors: Pat Saunders Diana Wilkins Website: Lew Tremaine Web Publisher: Art Severe Printed by: S.W. Offset
APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org
APPLE FamilyWorks® Board of Directors:
Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org
Anjana Berde, President Rita Trumbo, Vice President Mark Clark, Secretary Maria Villani, Treasurer Doug Woodward
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Sponsorship Information: Patricia Saunders Phone: (415) 492-0720 x303 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: patricia@familyworks.org
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Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2014 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.
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Give Your Teen Freedom Without Destroying Your Peace of Mind by Ginny Grimsley
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eenagers pose many dilemmas for parents, and one of the biggest is determining how much freedom to allow. “There’s such a fine line – they have one foot in childhood and the other in adulthood, so you can’t completely trust their decision-making. And yet, you need to allow them some independence because in a very short time, they will be adults,” says George Karonis, a location-based services specialist. “And, let’s be honest, life is better when your teen is happy. It’s nice to see them looking forward to something like a friend’s party or a weekend camping trip.” Figuring out how to balance their need for a measure of freedom and independence against a parent’s concern for safety can be difficult. “It is important for teens to be social, but as teenagers, they have a tendency to test their Magazine
boundaries, which can lead to trouble. The good news is, there are ways to give your teen the freedom that he or she needs, and the peace of mind you require,” Karonis says. He offers the following solutions for parents: • LiveViewGPS, Inc.: This new service temporarily turns any cell phone into a location device. It’s an economical solution for families that occasionally need to be able to pinpoint someone’s location but don’t want to download software to their phone or spend a lot of money on hardware, says Karonis, who is the founder and CEO of the company. The service requires the permission of the son or daughter whose phone would be tracked, which adds an element of honesty and transparency. Users pay a minimum of $19.95 for 30
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Share & Tell by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MFT
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little known secret to relationship success is the courage to express your feelings and thoughts. Yes, it may seem an overly simplified approach, but follow me through some familiar examples of how failing to ask does not build positive relationships, and how sharing and telling does. Kathy works an early shift at the hospital, so her husband, Carl gets the children dressed and takes them to school each morning. She picks up the children from school and manages after-school activities, homework, fixing dinner, grocery shopping, play dates, and making
purchases for the children. She manages the finances. Carl does the dishes, helps with showers and putting the kids to bed, coaches soccer, does yard work, and manages repairs at the home. Kathy is aware that Carl does a lot more with the
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Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.
children than her father did. She also remembers that her mother was a full-time homemaker. Kathy doesn’t remember the piles of homework and activities that her children seem to have. She is grateful for Carl’s help, but she is increasingly resentful of what seems to be
inequity of responsibilities. Lately, when Carl arrives home Kathy is in a grouchy mood. When he says, “What’s for dinner?” she feels like making a caustic remark like, “Why don’t you fix it yourself?” He seems focused on his job and they rarely have time together. She feels guilty for her attitude and her exhaustion is getting in the way of their intimacy. Kathy talks to her girlfriends about the situation. Their comments include: “You’re lucky that Carl takes care of the kids in the morning.” “Men just expect to be waited on.” “Women always get the short end of the stick.” This further discourages her and she begins to get headaches and pull away when Carl touches her. He, in turn, seems to ignore what she says. The situation seems hopeless. When Kathy gets up the courage to say something to Carl, things go from bad to worse. Carl had just come home and plopped down on the couch. She is making dinner and the kids are fighting over TV shows. Kathy says, “Carl, I’m sick to death of having you come home and expecting to be waited on. Why can’t you do your share?” Carl just stares at her and then growls, “What? You don’t think I work my ass off? Look at what a nice continued on page 8
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Setting Limits and Boundaries –
Without Saying “No” M by Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT
any of us have a difficult time saying “no” to the requests from our children and often find ourselves wishing that we had. There are lots of reasons why we say, “yes” instead of “no”. Often it is because we are afraid of: • Being seen as a mean, uncaring parent. • Ending up feeling guilty that we are depriving our child. • Making the child unhappy. • Not doing what “all the other parents” are doing. • Facing a tantrum or endless manipulative attempts to change our “no” to “yes”.
It is important to remember that it is the parent’s job to set and keep limits. When children’s requests are turned down, they learn about prioritizing, managing disappointment, tolerating frustration, accepting that they don’t always get what they want, and building their resourcefulness. Setting limits with your kids is also good for you. When you sometimes turn down a request, you are most likely valuing your time, modeling your principles, showing your commitment/determination, minimizing your stress, leaving yourself available to say “yes” to the things that really matter, or just doing your job as a parent who wants to keep his/her children safe and healthy. Ways to Say “No” Without Saying “No”. Establish a balance between “yes’s” and “no’s” – too many of either ”yes’s” or “no’s” can have a negative outcome. A child who always hears “yes” will not learn to live with disappointment or frustration. Too many “no’s” and kids will give up asking and just go ahead without permission – something you don’t want.
Be kind and empathic – Your tone when setting limits can be soft and also firm – if you are feeling angry, it is best to take a break and come back when you feel calm again. In fact, it works better if we show compassion about the probability that having a request denied will be disap6
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pointing. Always speak to your children in a way that lets them know that you like and respect them – even when you have to say “no”. It is also important to be aware of your body language and facial expression, which should reflect compassion and openness.
Consider options besides “no”. There are ways to turn down a request without using the word “no” (see chart on next page). In APPLE FamilyWorks’ Parenting Today class, we share key approaches to handle the pushback we often get from our kids when we turn down their requests. Our Executive Director, Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, wrote an article in our APPLE FamilyWorks Magazine with a few examples of how to avoid the dreaded argument: • “I understand that your friends may do things differently. In our family we …” • “I know this is really important to you, but this time we have to …” • “This is not a matter of trusting you; it is a matter of using my adult judgment to keep you safe. That is my job as a parent.” • “I’ve (we’ve) given it a lot of thought and the subject is closed.”
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Rather than…
Try…
“No cookies before dinner!”
“It is almost dinnertime, so please wait for a cookie until after dinner.”
“Time for bed. No more TV.”
It is time for bed; you can finish the movie tomorrow night”.
“No throwing the ball in the house!”
“You can throw the ball outside or roll it inside.”
“No, you cannot have a toy.”
“Today we are just buying groceries.”
“No, I will not buy you a video. I don’t have any money!”
“Buying a new video game will have to wait until next month.”
“No ice cream!”
“You can choose an apple or cheese.”
“Don’t hit your sister!”
“Use your words.”
• “I can see that you are angry (upset, sad, frustrated, etc.), but it is my job to make difficult decisions.” • “The subject is close.”
Give yourself time to think it over – Sometimes we say “no” to our kids because we feel rushed or pressured. It is important to take the time to think about your response so that you don’t say “no” automatically. An answer to their request might require calling the other parents to see if the request is okay with them, or checking with your calendar to see if you are free, etc. When children demand an immediate response, I remind them of our family principle of respecting each other’s time and say, “If anyone insists on an immediate answer, the answer is ‘no’.” While we all want a harmonious and happy relationship with our children, it is far more important that we teach children resilience and self-discipline. If we are afraid to say “no” to our kids, they will find it hard to say “no” to themselves.
Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. She facilitates our parenting classes and specializes in working with couples and families. Call 492-0720 to schedule an appointment. Magazine
Parenting Today &
Co-parenting Today Call:
(415) 492-0720 or get more info at
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Share & Tell continued from page 5
home we have. I’m not your slave.” Kathy then calls Carl an unpleasant name, slams the kitchen cabinet door and stalks off to their bedroom, slamming that door, too. Things escalate. It isn’t pretty. The next day, Kathy calls her best friend. Kathy and her friend conclude that men are hopeless. Sound familiar? What went wrong? Was the timing effective in order for Kathy to speak so that Carl could be receptive to her concerns? Did she approach Carl the way she would have a member of her nursing staff if she wanted behavior change? Did she engage Carl in solving the problem? I realize that these questions may be frustrating and annoying. You may ask, “Why does Kathy have to mince words?” Simply put, if either party wants change they need to set a stage in which the change can take place. Kathy and Carl are playing the “blame game”, pushing one another away by not exploring their own feelings and thoughts that influence their perceptions and behavior. 8
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Working Toward Resolution: Both Kathy and Carl notice they are feeling miserable. Each realizes that letting their frustrations build up and then blowing up, is making their situation worsen. One or both take the time to identify fears and thoughts by writing them down. (If they are working with a therapist they might make an appointment to explore their issues in a supportive environment.) Implementation: Kathy and Carl agree to hire a babysitter and go to a neutral place where they can gently share their feelings. They take turns listening and letting the other know he/ she is heard by repeating what has been said. There is no judgment given. “I feel” messages have no “you” statements, which could place blame. They end their time together sharing why they fell in love with the other person. Their next time together begins with sharing what stuck with them about the other person’s feelings. They allow time to receive feedback or clarification of what they understood. When energy remains calm and empathy is building, they may then share one fearful thought balanced by one positive thought. Time should end with hopeful phrases and appreciation for the other being open and empathic. These sessions will continue
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until feelings are shared and each negative thought is balanced with a positive thought. Explore some small steps to rectify specific concerns. Recreate a Loving Setting As soon as possible the couple will a set up specific times to be together without the children and away from home, to avoid competing pressures and interruptions. During “us time” discussion of problems, personal or child related, will be avoided. Focus on just having fun. If each party has interests that differ from the other, taking turns is essential. Mark on the calendar whose week it is to choose AND plan the activity, including getting childcare. All relationships are like gardens that require tending: watering with ample and predictable time, fertilizing with tenderness and fun, and pruning by eliminating toxic feelings and actions. When anger, frustration, or anxiety overtake your “garden”, weed out the fears and negative thoughts that are choking healthy growth. And enjoy your relationships.
Kathy and Carl are playing the “blame game”, pushing one another away by not exploring their own feelings and thoughts that influence their perceptions and behavior.
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Give Your Teen Freedom continued from page 3 locates and when they need to find the phone – and the person to whom it’s attached – they simply log into the website where tracking is instantaneous and displayed on a satellite-view map. • Reward Responsibility: If your teen has already proven himself or herself to be reliable and punctual with multiple responsibilities – completing schoolwork in a timely manner; diligent with extracurricular activities like sports, band or theater; or has responded well to after-school employment – it’s time to give him or her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to fun. Make it clear, you are trusting them to use good judgment because they’ve earned that trust. But trust can also be lost. • Set the example of consistency: Predictability is good when it comes to raising children, especially in terms of personifying virtues like honesty, punctuality and reliability. Teenagers are keenly aware of hypocrisy and are liable to use a parent’s contradictions against them in rationalizing bad behavior. The “Do as I say, not as I do”
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rule may be convenient, but teens see through it. Use a calendar, perhaps on your refrigerator or synch schedules on your family’s smartphones, to encourage everyone to show up at expected times. If someone is going to be late, have a system in place for sending appropriate notification. • Don’t be strangers: Most parents assume they know who their child is, but teens are our most rapidly changing family members. They’re eager to establish their own identities and try new experiences in their run-up to adulthood. Who are the most relevant people in their lives, and do you know his or her friends? The more a group of friends knows the teen friend’s parents, the more responsibility those friends will feel in honoring the parent’s rules. George Karonis has a background in security and surveillance, and has specialized in location services since 2005. A self-professed computer geek, one of his chief concerns is balancing the usefulness of tracking with the protection of individuals’ privacy. He is founder and CEO of LiveViewGPS, Inc. (www.mobilephonelocate.com)
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UPDATE APPLE Opens New Office In Santa Clara We are delighted to announce that APPLE FamilyWorks has opened its South Bay office in Santa Clara. The new office, headed by Developmental Disabilities Services Coordinator Adriana Cazares, will serve as the headquarters for Developmental Disabilities Services for Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Monterey and San Benito Counties. “We are very excited to open our South Bay facility,” Adriana said. “While it will initially serve as home base for our DD program in the San Andreas Regional Center
service area, we look forward to adding therapy and parenting education services similar to those provided in our San Rafael facility.” APPLE Familyworks serves consumers of Regional Center Services in the Golden Gate, North Bay, East Bay and San Andreas Regional Center service areas. The reach of DD program extends from Healdsburg, in the North Bay, to Sea Side and Soledad in the South.
Bella Vista Foundation Renews Funding for 2014 Continued funding from San Francisco’s Bella Vista Foundation will allow Spanish speaking expectant and new mothers throughout Marin to receive esssential emotional support to prevent postpartum depression and to enhance infant and child development, at no cost to participants. The grant funding will allow APPLE’s free Spanish language MommyTime/ Explorando la Maternidad Juntas to meet at Marin Community Clinic. The program serves over 70 mothers, grandmothers and children (0-18 months) through weekly group meetings, phone and home-visit support. “We are grateful that these important support groups will be available for another year,” stated APPLE FamilyWorks Executive Director Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith. “The information these mothers receive, and the support that
they get and give to each other is truly life changing. The benefits to their children is immeasurable. Mothers learn about nutrition, language development, baby’s non-verbal communication as well as essential mood regulation and stress reduction skills. The key to the group’s effectiveness is the facilitation by Leticia Jimenez and the supportive mother-child community she fosters. ” she continued. Groups are held from 10 to noon Tuesdays at the Marin Community Clinic in Novato, and Thursdays at the Marin Community Clinic in San Rafael. For more information about APPLE FamilyWorks’ MommyTime groups, call (415) 492-0720.
APPLE’s Patricia Saunders named President Elect of Marin CAMFT Patricia Saunders, the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks, has been elected as President Elect of the Marin Chapter of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 2014, her role as President Elect will be to support the new President and contribute to the public relations of the chapter. She will assume the role of President in 2015. In the third year of her term, she becomes Past President – quite a commitment to the profession. Magazine
At APPLE FamilyWorks, Patricia is a Marriage and Family Therapist and parent educator. She is instrumental in program design and curiculum development. Congratulations to Patricia!!!
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Therapy and Life Skills Center EBD Caregivers Support Group Tuesdays, beginning January 14, 2014 9:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. Facilitators: Patricia Saunders, MFT and Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, MFT. APPLE FamilyWorks, Therapy and Life Skills Center, announces a weekly support group for caregivers of children of all ages with emotional and behavioral disorders (EBD). Recognizing the exhaustion, frustration, fear, isolation and confusion of caregiving for an EBD child, we are offering a forum facilitated by two licensed marriage and family therapists who lived in the EBD world. This weekly group will provide an opportunity for mutual support, problem solving and resource exchange in a safe and empathically guided atmosphere at APPLE FamilyWorks cozy “family room” in Terra Linda. (Individual, couple and family counseling,as well as parenting and co-parenting series are also available at APPLE FamilyWorks. (www.familyworks.org) Sliding scale fee. Eight week commitment requested. Group size limited for benefit of participants. Please call for information and to secure your place: Ask for Patricia Saunders: 492-0720 x 303.
MommyTime Groups Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details. For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week. • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress
For information, email mommytime@familyworks.org
Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon NOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays English Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon Call for time and location.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect
• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce
• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence
Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, personcentered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.
Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional wellbeing, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development. Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities
Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline
• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems • Linkage with others services
Independent Living Skills • Academic growth
• Housekeeping
• Behavior management
• Transportation skills
• Stress Reduction skills
• Community access
• Injury prevention
• Employment readiness
• Nutrition
• Financial management and budgeting
• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care
• Development of social support Systems Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties
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Therapy and Life Skills Center At APPLE FamilyWorks, we know that parenting presents many challenges and can sometimes leave parents scratching their heads for new ideas. Our parenting classes teach an approach that makes the job of raising children fun and gratifying while reducing the tensin and frustration often experienced.
Parenting Today We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: • Increase cooperation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Enjoy time with your family Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Using the “New Time Out” • Giving effective directions • Setting clear consequences
• Receive respect & appreciation • Get chores & homework completed • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities • • • • •
line
or Call
on n-up
Sig
Listening completely Turning opposition into cooperation Knowing abilities & Temperament Applying “When...Then” Creating charts & reinforcements
Tuesdays January 21 - February 11, 2014 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
Co-Parenting Today Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Deal with each other respectfully • Increase cooperation • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably
• Manage constantly shifting schedules • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Design consequences that work • End rudeness & backtalk
Tuesdays January 21 - March 11, 2014 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
CPR & First Aid Classes Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion. Saturday January 25, & Saturday March 29, 2014 CPR 9:30 a.m. - 1 p.m. First Aid 1:15 -4 p.m.
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Make Reading the Center
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of Your Children’s Universe by Dottie DeHart
anguage arts teacher Donalyn Miller has a suggestion: Give your children the gift of reading! “If you can spark a love of reading in your children, you will be giving them a gift that will serve them well in school and in life,” says Miller, author along with Susan Kelley of the new book Reading in the Wild: The Book Whisperer’s Keys to Cultivating Lifelong Reading Habits. “And if you choose books with consideration, you can maximize the odds that your children will read their gifts cover-to-cover—and ask for more!” According to Miller, children need only a few positive reading experiences to get hooked on books—and you have a built-in advantage during the holidays. “This time of year is so thrilling for kids that giving them a book now—as opposed to some other time during the year—makes that book seem more exciting and special,” she points out. “If you play your cards right, the holidays elevate the status of the book, and by association, reading itself.” Book ownership is important for kids, says Miller, a Texas educator whose students read 40 or more books a year and regularly score high on the state’s standardized tests. (Indeed, while Reading in the Wild has great tips for parents as well, it’s actually aimed at teachers.) That’s because owning books goes hand in hand with a love of reading—something that’s increasingly lacking amongst youngsters, but is very important. “Studies show children who love reading are most successful in school,” Miller shares. “Later in life, readers have better job prospects, enjoy more professional success, and are more socially and civically involved in their communities.” 16
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If you’re ready to begin book shopping, read on for eight things to consider when giving the gift of reading:
Paper or plastic? These days, the word “book” doesn’t necessarily denote a paper-and-ink object. It can also refer to a digital file on an e-reader! “As a parent, it’s important to think about which format to buy,” Miller says. “Neither is inherently better than the other. What’s important is that your child gets into reading, period—whether she’s looking at a page or a screen! However, one format might be better suited to your particular child.” Here are several things Miller suggests you keep in mind when making this decision: • Don’t assume that gadgets are the only way to go, or worry that print books will soon be obsolete. “While there is a focus on gadgets these days, elevators didn’t put stairs out of business,” Miller notes. • Not all e-readers are created equal. In addition to enabling users to read books, some support web browsing, game playing, and more. “You know your child and will
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have a good idea of how these extra capabilities might affect him,” Miller points out. “If you think he’ll be easily distracted, choose a device that’s an e-reader only and doesn’t have all the other bells and whistles.” • Ask your child what she prefers! “My daughter was very clear about the fact that she preferred physical books to an e-reader,” Miller shares. “Yours, too, might also have firm preferences already in mind.”
Match interest to ability. Finding a book your child will enjoy isn’t always an easy task under the best of circumstances, but it can be especially difficult if your child reads below grade level. If he believes many of the books that he can easily read are “boring,” “stupid,” or “for babies,” he’ll develop a negative opinion of reading in general. “It’s definitely more difficult to find books that match developing readers’ ability and interest,” Miller acknowledges. “But fortunately, it’s not impossible. Publishers are starting to recognize the gap that often exists, and to address it. So even if it means putting a little more effort into your book search, try your best to find something at your child’s reading level that he’ll actually want to read. You may be able to get some good leads by talking to his teacher. Remember, it’s crucial to promote the notion that reading is a pleasure, not a chore.”
Offer the option to listen along. Maybe you’re concerned that no matter how compelling it might be, your child just won’t be able to settle down with a book long enough to become interested. Perhaps her attention tends to wander, or maybe she’s not a very strong reader. If that’s the case, Miller suggests taking the story into multimedia territory. “Consider giving your child an audio and text version of the same book,” she explains. “Being able to listen along will help developing readers to ‘read up’ and focus on comprehension, and it will help to lengthen all children’s attention spans. Listening to audio books also teaches children to love stories, which is just a hop, skip, and jump away from loving books.” Leave your child hanging. Every month, it seems, a new children’s or young adult series attains popularity. (If you’re skeptical, just take a stroll through the nearest book store!) Not only is this good news for the continued survival of reading in general; it can also be good news for you as you try to hook your child on books. “Consider buying the first few books in a series, but not the whole thing,” Miller suggests. “If your child gets hooked, she’ll want to buy the rest of the series to find out what happens. You can turn the resulting bookstore trip into Magazine
an opportunity to explore more authors, too.”
Make a book budget. If your children normally receive money for birthdays, etc., talk to them beforehand about how it will be spent. Specifically, consider asking them to earmark a certain percentage of it for books, then take them to the bookstore for a fun outing. “Thinking about and planning which books to buy with the money beforehand will be fun, too,” Miller comments. “With luck, your kids will want more books than they have money for right now!” Give books all around! Don’t leave the bookstore with a gift for your child only. Consider exchanging books with your spouse, your parents, your family friends, etc. “When everybody reads, you’re modeling a great habit, and your child will be more likely to adopt it,” Miller promises. “Plus, reading books gives you and your kids more interesting topics and ideas to talk about with each other.” “Book” a later bedtime. While your kids are out for winter break, consider allowing them to stay up later than usual—but only if they use that time to read. “Kids love the thrill of forbidden pleasures, like staying up past their bedtimes!” Miller points out. “Why not link that thrill to reading while you don’t have to get everyone up early for school? Just be aware that this temporary privilege might lead to illicit reading under the covers with a flashlight once classes start back. But if you’re anything like most parents, this is one rule you’ll be secretly glad your child broke.”
Enjoy this gift together. Chances are, you read aloud to your child on a frequent basis until he learned to read himself. Then, if you’re like many families, storytime gradually fell by the wayside. That’s why Miller recommends giving your child at least one book that you can read together. You might choose a book that you yourself enjoyed growing up, the first in a series you can continue to enjoy, or even a nonfiction book about a topic in which you’re both interested. “I’m a huge advocate of reading aloud,” Miller says. “Not only does it support developing readers, it reinforces the notion that reading is enjoyable. Try to find climactic stopping points when putting the book away after each session. You’ll be amazed at how often your child will beg you to read a little more!” Reading in the Wild: The Book Whisperer’s Keys to Cultivating Lifelong Reading Habits (Jossey-Bass, 2013, ISBN: 978-0-470-90030-7, $22.95) is available from all major online booksellers.
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TV in the Bedroom: Friend or Foe?
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by Eric Sorenson
ids are immersed in media these days. And while the use of computers, smartphones, and other mobile technologies continues to grow, television still dominates children’s media lives. You could call TV the staple dish in their media diet. But with research linking the presence of a TV in the bedroom with heavier media use and more severe fear responses, how should parents respond? Is it time to pull the plug on TV in the bedroom? SOME FINDINGS ABOUT FEAR Research published in the Journal of Children and Media, focusing on children’s experiences of “media-induced fright,” found that 76% of the children in the study reported instances of fright, with many of those coming in response to G or PG rated movies [1]. In this study, having a TV in the bedroom was the best predictor of the severity of the child’s fright. The most common theme associated with fear involved the supernatural. Very young children have difficulty differentiating between fantasy and reality, so it’s quite understandable that these fantastical (and scary) scenes in movies are contributing to the child’s fear. These findings make sense when you consider bedroom TV time compared to watching in the living room or other common area. When a parent is present they are able to help the child cope by providing reassurance if the content on the screen becomes too scary, or they can turn off the TV set. Another factor is that children who are watching TV in their bedrooms will be able to access content that their parents might not necessarily approve of, so the kind of shows they are watching may contain “mature subject
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matter.” What else does having a TV in the bedroom mean for kids? SCREEN TIME OR BEDTIME? In the 2010 Kaiser Family Foundation study on media use, they found that those who have a television in the bedroom were among the heaviest media users. The report also found significantly less media exposure in households that had some kind of rules about the use of media. So what do these finding mean for parents? First of all, having a TV in the bedroom is associated with more severe “media-induced fright,” which in turn can lead to anxiety and sleep disturbances. Also, children with TVs in their bedrooms also consume more media than those without TVs in their bedrooms. Finally, children who watch TV in their bedrooms are able to access content that might be inappropriate, and they are typically watching alone. WHAT’S A PARENT TO DO? Having rules and guidelines about appropriate media use
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is important, particularly for younger kids. This doesn’t mean you need to strictly limit their time, but rather make sure that whatever your expectations are, they are clear to the kids as well. Whether you allow for one, two, or ten shows each day, simply having house rules in place is associated with reduced overall media consumption. Co-viewing is another method parents can use when it comes to managing their child’s screen time. When parents are watching television with their kids they can comfort their children if they become distressed, skip through any scary parts, or even turn it off and break out the crayons. Every child is different, so you’ll have to find the right balance for your family. But when it comes to TV in the bedroom, there’s strong evidence that it’s time to pull the plug. [1] Cantor, J., S. Byrne, E. Moyer-Gusé, K. Riddle. Descriptions of Media-Induced Fright Reactions in a Sample of US Elementary School Children. Journal of Children and Media 4(1) p.1-17.
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In the 2010 Kaiser Family Foundation study on media use, they found that those who have a television in the bedroom were among the heaviest media users.
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Winter 2014
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Coping with Adversity H by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
umpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again.
It takes a nursery rhyme to tell us that not all tragedies can be repaired. Relationships go afoul; jobs are lost; illness encumbers; lives are lost – all part of the human condition. No one escapes the vagaries of life. At some point we all face a seemingly insurmountable loss. Some people more so than others. What does one do then, when things cannot go back as they were before? The concept is resilience. Resilience is the capacity to cope with life’s challenges. It is the capacity to manage in the face of adversity to survive and thrive. Several key ingredients play into resiliency, including: An appreciation that hardships, loss and indeed trauma are all factors in life. The value of this appreciation is that when faced with a hardship and although reasonably affected, we understand that such makes up the fabric of the human condition. We are humbled by life as opposed to being simply overwhelmed and believing we are either above it or not subject to it. Thus we cope with difficulties beyond our control realizing that the bad is just as much a part of life as the good. There is no wallowing in pity, although to grieve from loss would be normal. That even though we do not have control of everything, we maintain a sense of control over ourselves and our response to adversity. Thus with things
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Resilience is the capacity to cope with life’s challenges. It is the capacity to manage in the face of adversity to survive and thrive.
seemingly out of control, we take responsibility for ourselves, our role in life and our reactions to it. We are still active participants where at times, we must show flexibility to adapt and ability to change course in view of matters outside of ourselves that otherwise alter our plans or trajectories. We chose how we adapt and therein we can gain some sense of control in a world over which we have limited influence. An understanding that we are social creatures, dependent and interdependent on one and other for survival. If left truly to our own devices, few amongst us would ever have all the necessary skills for survival. We need each other be it for the most concrete of things such as food, water, shelter and clothing; to more abstract needs such as comfort, care and belonging. The degree to which we can avail ourselves of the support of others, the greater the likelihood we can adapt and survive. Thus resilience is as much a social construct as emotional and cognitive. If you are having difficulty coping with a life event
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consider using these strategies to increase your resiliency: Ask for help. No one person can shoulder the weight of every burden. Sharing the weight makes the burden light. Put your event into a larger perspective even if it is seemingly a meaningless incident. Sadly, bad things do happen to good people. That too is a fact of life; Take whatever small steps you can to manage in the situation. Something as seemingly trivial as self-care when overwhelmed can be a hardship. Do something, anything for yourself. Start where you can to bring some sense of control to yourself in a world that may otherwise seem chaotic. These are only a few aspects of resilience, the key ingredient for coping or overcoming adversity and upset. Practice these. For more, consult a therapist – also a reasonable strategy to facilitate coping, survival and thriving.
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Winter 2014
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Reduce Lyme Disease Risks Keep Tick-carrying Deer Out of Your Yard
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by Joan Casanova
older weather’s arrival means homeowners across the country brace themselves for the battle against bold, foraging deer. But with recent reports that Lyme disease – transmitted by ticks that live on deer – is even more prevalent than health officials once thought, keeping deer away from your backyard is not just a cosmetic or financial issue any more. Your success at deterring deer could directly affect your family’s health. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently estimated about 300,000 cases of Lyme disease are diagnosed each year. Only about 30,000 of those actually get reported to the CDC. Many more likely go undiagnosed since Lyme symptoms can mimic other ailments and even disappear altogether for a time. Lyme disease is now the most common tick-borne illness, according to the CDC, and its health consequences can be severe. Lyme disease is named for the river-side Connecticut town where it first emerged in 1977. A number of children in the area began exhibiting arthritis-like symptoms, a hallmark of the disease. A bull’s-eye target-shaped rash at the bite location may be the first indication that a person was bitten by a tick carrying Lyme disease, but not everyone will see or develop the rash. Symptoms such as joint pain, headaches, neck stiffness and heartbeat irregularities may get mistaken for flu or other illnesses. On the Pacific Coast, blacklegged ticks (who also like 22
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traveling on deer) spread Lyme disease, the CDC says. Year-round, especially during fall and winter, you should check your own body, children and pets for ticks. Deer ticks are often so small you won’t even feel their bite, so visual inspection is important. If you suspect you’ve been bitten, talk to your doctor right away. The CDC says that reducing your exposure to ticks is the best defense against contracting Lyme disease. While you can’t vaccinate your family against Lyme disease (the vaccine maker stopped production in 2002, citing lack of
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consumer demand), you can “vaccinate” your backyard against deer that carry Lyme-bearing ticks. Keeping deer away from your backyard can help reduce your chances of encountering ticks in your home environment. Look for a proven effective, natural deterrent that has been independently tested, like Bobbex Deer Repellent. The topical foliar spray uses taste and smell aversion ingredients to deter deer and elk from browsing and causing other damage to ornamental plantings, shrubs and trees. Safe for use on even the most sensitive plantings, as well as around children and pets, Bobbex works in any climate and will not wash off after heavy rain or snow. The Connecticut Department of Forestry and Horticulture tested Bobbex Deer Repellant against 10 top competitors and found it to be 93 percent effective, second only to a physical barrier, such as a fence, in keeping deer away. As part of your deer and Lyme prevention efforts, keep these facts in mind: * Prevention is easier than cure – in both cases. Even after treatment with antibiotics, 10 to 20 percent of Lyme patients have symptoms that last for months or even years, the CDC reports. Once deer move into your yard, they can be difficult to evict, and they can cause hundreds of dollars in damage. It’s easier to keep deer away – and avoid Lyme altogether – than to rectify the problems created by deer and the ticks they carry. * A single whitetail deer can consume 8 to 12 pounds of foliage a day. * Home remedies rarely work for keeping deer away, and trying to treat Lyme on your own can have severe health consequences. Untreated Lyme disease can cause arthritis, severe joint pain and swelling, and even chronic neurological problems such as numbness, tingling in the hands or feet and short-term memory problems, the CDC says. * Even though many plants, bushes and trees will lose their leaves during fall and winter, it’s important to continue applying deer repellents year-round. Remember, deer forage aggressively when food becomes scarce, fall and winter are the times when they’re most likely to enter your yard – bringing their disease-carrying cargo with them while ravaging your foliage, trees and shrubs. For more information on repelling deer, visit www.bobbex.com Magazine
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Winter 2014
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GOOD EARTH Sustainable Business Award
Visit Our New Website! 720 Center Blvd. Fairfax, CA • 415-454-0123 genatural.com • Open 8am to 9pm
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