FWM 2013 10 by FamilyWorks Magazine

Magazine Fall 2013

Remembering Family Traditions

Approaching the Holidays in an Empty Nest Published by This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Magazine Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

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Mastering the Art of Healthy Relationships by Dotty DeHart

Easy Season: Fall Gardening Spells Success by Joan Casanova

Approaching the Holidays in an Empty Nest by Lew Tremaine

Fall 2013

Passive-Aggressive Family Members: There is a Win/Win Solution by Dr. Deanna Brann Life After “Til Death Do Us Part by Ginny Grimsley

A Wake-up Call on Domestic Violence By Penny Lauer

Remembering Family Traditions by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Agency News 12 Temperament Services 13 Therapy Services 14 Developmental Disabilities Services 15 Parenting Services FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Associate Executive Director Robb Ollett Editor & Design: Lew Tremaine Copy Editors: Pat Saunders Diana Wilkins Website: Lew Tremaine Web Publisher: Art Severe Printed by: S.W. Offset

APPLE FamilyWorks® Board of Directors: Anjana Berde, President Rita Trumbo, Vice President Mark Clark, Secretary Maria Villani, Treasurer Doug Woodward

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APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information:Robb Ollett Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: robb@familyworks.org Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org

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Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical ofﬁces, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2013 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonproﬁt agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.

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Mastering the Art of Healthy Relationships

Building Life-Changing Connections by Dottie DeHart

et’s face it, relationships can be tough and some even debilitating. Although relationships are a fundamental aspect of the human experience, our dealings with friends, family members, significant others, co-workers and superiors are often riddled with strife and consternation. In fact, research by Cornell University estimates that there will be a whopping one million divorces in the United States in 2013, alone. Beyond marital challenges, difficult personal and workplace relationships are far more than a nuisance, as they can cause anxiety, burnout, clinical depression and even physical illness. What’s more, highly toxic workplace affiliations can undermine your professional success and threaten your livelihood at large. The bottom line is this: the right relationships can propel you to great heights of achievement; the wrong ones will tether you to mediocrity and mire you in disappointment. With this in mind, in striving for rewarding connections with others, it’s essential to evaluate relationships intelligently: What makes a great relationship? How do you keep a relationship great? What are the warning signs of trouble? While it’s so very easy to blame the other person in a distressed relationship, it’s far more effective to consider and assess the situation objectively and build your Relational IQ-- the mindset that helps us to better understand and control our personal and professional relationships to maximize happiness and realize life-

changing success. Relationships are an art, and most of us lack the skill and mastery to help break—or all together avoid— destructive patterns, disrespect, and deception. Far too many people also lack the ability to have productive connections with others—those that help you achieve goals, sharpen your mind, and generally uplift and enrich your life. There are, in fact, fundamental principles for living and interacting with others in the complex and ever-changing dynamics of today’s culture that, if adhered to, can best assure relational success in all aspects of life—at home, in social circles, and in business. Choose not to and suffer the consequences. Naysayers might ask, “Is it really possible to master relationships?” The answer is an unequivocal “yes”— if you’re willing to learn skills and proactively apply tactical techniques, that is. To help kick-start your Relational IQ so that you can better navigate, and

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begin to master, your own personal and professional afﬁliations, here are 10 pitfalls to avoid when seeking a meaningful and genuine relationship that will result in a richer, more fulﬁlling life:

Be Authentic: While secret identities might be fun in the movies, a person who harbors secrets, and hides their fears, and beliefs from others will never be able to enjoy an authentic relationship. Being real with others and even making yourself vulnerable from time to time can foster tremendous emotional connections, including all-important trust, and forge unbreakable bonds.

Share Values: There’s an old R&B lyric that says, “If it don’t ﬁt, don’t force it.” Despite the poor grammar, it is quite insightful in its simplicity. Relationships that create positive synergy through mutual respect and shared values are worth your investment.

Learn from the Past: The past should not deﬁne a person and there is no reason to keep looking back. While previous events and actions might be a life lesson, the nature of every journey is to move forward. Don’t repeat those actions that did not produce the intended results; instead, focus on new choices that will effect a more desirable outcome.

Be Honest: Studies show that 10-30% of applicants admit to “tweaking” their resumes. That’s certainly no way to start an engagement with a new employer. Whether at work or at home, lying— even small white lies—will do nothing but undermine and compromise any relationship. Instead, even slightly altering the truth is one of the most destructive forces that can permanently damage a personal or professional relationship.

Stay Alert: Understand that a relationship is a journey with changes in direction, twists and turns, and roadblocks along the way. It’s imperative to pass through certain experiences and navigate through difﬁculties to learn from these situations and create a healthy outcome. Resist the desire to take shortcuts or race through certain aspects of a relationship. Even if it is painful or boring, embrace it, knowing that it offers a healthy purpose for the big picture of a relationship.

Give More: All relationships involve give and take, so it is important to recognize when each relationship could use more of a giving spirit. When we think about what we can do for others instead of what they can do for us, we get to the very heart of healthy, successful interactions. In a strong relationship, both people willingly give, far more than they take.

Make Good Choices: Unfortunately, sometimes we make a poor choice and enter into relationships that will never be healthy no matter what actions are taken. Part of Relational IQ is knowing when and how to end a toxic relationship. If someone is not able to accept a change in the status or direction, is not loyal and stable under pressure or in the face of challenge, or had once been dependable but now is unreliable, these are strong clues that the relationship may not be worth saving. Don’t let feelings of misplaced guilt or sympathy get in

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the way of making good personal choices.

Build Resilience: There are situations, particularly in the work environment, where healthy relationships with unhealthy people are necessary. Developing a higher level of Relational IQ will help to identify those unhealthy people and harness personal power to not let those people hurt, disrespect, or transmit negativity such that you are affected by these attempts. Instead, personal power can be used to turn the tide on those unhealthy people and maintain your resilience and composure to stay the course.

Look for Good Fit: The most valuable people in life aren’t always the most visible. People of true value bring fulﬁllment, not frustration. All too often, those taken for granted or overlooked are veritable lifesavers or ones that silently help us achieve goals, provide encouragement or offer important insights and connections.

each one lifts you up or weighs you down. They move you forward or hold you back. They help you or they hurt you. Only by cultivating your Relational IQ—knowing which is which and how to turn the tide on those that are negative—can you then take the appropriate action. Not to be taken lightly, these actions and decisions can make the difference between a great, happy life or one that is riddled with disappointment, failure and regret. Field expert Van Moody is the author of The People Factor (an upcoming release by publisher Thomas Nelson) and a motivational speaker who advises on matters related to relationships as they pertain to friends, family, signiﬁcant others and the workplace. He is a “People Scholar” who helps others build their “Relational IQ” to achieve success at home, in their social circles, and in business. He may be reached online at www.vanmoody.com.

Be Selective: The people in your life right now are setting the course for next week, month, year and possibly the rest of your life. Accordingly, there must be a qualiﬁcation and selection process for friends and others you choose to surround yourself with. Blocking the wrong people from your life is the only way to make room for the right people who help you achieve your dreams, enrich your lives and create a happy, satisfying life experience.

Understand that a relationship is a journey with changes in direction, twists and turns, and roadblocks along the way.

Fundamentally, every relationship you have inﬂuences your life. There are no neutral relationships;

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Fall 2013

Easy Season: Fall Gardening Spells Success

by Joan Casanova

crumptious, healthy veggies, hefty harvests and a break on your grocery bill – many appealing advantages draw people to growing their own vegetables. If you’ve never gardened before or you’re a green thumbed, garden-guru, you’ll soon ﬁgure out that fall’s a great time to get growing your own produce. Cooler temperatures and milder sun can spell success for any gardener who takes up the trowel as autumn approaches. Favorable fall conditions mean growing cool weather crops is comparatively easy, with less watering and care needed for a successful garden. Cool crops will start out strong, growing quickly and then slow their growth as days become shorter and cooler. You’ll also need to work less to protect your garden from pests, as both insects and animal populations will taper off in fall. And since weeds will germinate less frequently and grow slower, weeding won’t be a time-consuming task. Finally, more rain and less sun and heat mean you’ll need to water less. If you’re ready for gardening success, now is the time to grab that hoe, break some ground and get growing. Tips to get you started: Pick your plants Start with transplants, rather than seed. A shorter, gentler growing season means you need to get started right away. Many local garden centers will have a selection of transplants from producers like Bonnie Plants that will grow well in your geographic region. Transplants will be six weeks older and give you a jump start. You’ll be able to harvest sooner than if you start from seed and skip the volatile, sometimes unsuccessful, seed-starting process. Bonnie’s transplants come in earth-friendly biodegradable pots, making planting easy, preventing transplant shock and sparing the use of much plastic. As the pot biodegrades, it’ll add nutrients to your soil, too. Choose cool crops that your family likes to eat. 6

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Popular fall favorites include: * Lacinato Kale- A cold-hardy vegetable, kale leaves sweeten after frost. Kale is a super food, and Lacinato leaves extend excellent health benefits, lowering cholesterol, fighting cancer, and decreasing inflammation. * Early Dividend Broccoli – Many greens love the fall, and broccoli is no exception. Plant stalks 18 inches apart and get ready for an easy, hearty harvest. Broccoli is high in fiber and calcium. * Cabbage – The quintessential fall vegetable, Bonnie’s hybrid cabbage grows large, round blue-green heads. From salads to stews, cabbage adds a punch of flavor and nutrients like beta-carotene, vitamins C and K, and plenty of fiber. * Romaine Lettuce Romaine packs a big punch with more vitamins, minerals, fiber, and phytonutrients than other popular types of lettuce. Rich in fiber, vitamin C, and beta-carotene, romaine is especially good for heart health. Space transplants 18 inches apart. Once you know what you’ll be planting, it’s time to get the ground r e a d y.

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Remove any garden debris from the past season’s garden and remove weeds before they go to seed. Size up your soil. Loosen compacted soil, fluffing it up with a garden fork. Soil test and amend if necessary. Adding a 2-inch layer of bagged compost is always good practice. You can also spread a balanced fertilizer, such as 10-10-10, according to labeled instructions, for added nutrients. Plants will need an inch of moisture per week, either through rain or supplemental watering. You might want to consider raised bed planting; beds are easy to build or buy and allow you to start out with good quality soil. Plus, you’ll bend less come harvest time. Position your plot and let the sunshine in. Most vegetables need full sun – at least six hours per day. Finally, don’t fear frost. When frost threatens, cover plants with floating row cover, cold frame or a cloche. Or, you can grow fall veggies in a container and move pots to a protected location on frosty nights. Whether you’re working in the backyard, a raised bed or in containers on a deck, you’ll see how easy and successful fall planting can be. Start now to ensure you enjoy a healthy, plentiful and fulfilling fall harvest. For more tips on fall gardening visit www. bonnieplants.com

Fall 2013

Approaching the Holidays In an Empty Nest by Lew Tremaine Managing Editor

For me, October holds two meanings. First, I get homesick for Pennsylvania. The smells of Autumn and the colors of the leaves are all in full splendor by now. And as much as I love living in Fairfax and as deeply rooted as I have become in my community, October brings a longing for my childhood home. Second, the Holiday Season is well in view. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas (Chanukah, Kwanza, take your pick) have always been my favorite holidays, and they are practically upon us. As I enter this Holiday Season, I must admit, I am feeling a little lost. These will be my very first Holidays alone. It will be a sharp contrast from last year, when my home was full of young adults. Living with me at this time last year were my sons, Ben and Mark, Ben’s fiancé Lizzie, and my sons’ best friend Big Steve (who never officially moved in, but was always there and very much a member of the family). The spirit of the season was palpable, despite not having room for a tree or decorations (though Lizzie, the queen of all crafts, did make a wonderful wreath for the door. We celebrated Thanksgiving on the Sunday after, to accommodate the kids’ social and family calendars. The only thing I enjoy more than cooking Thanksgiving dinner is watching my boys and their friends eat it. 8

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Alas, this past March, the lot of them moved into a house across town, owned by Lizzie’s family. At the time, I was ecstatic (an emotion made possible by the fact that the kids are a ﬁve minute walk away). Getting to move into both bedrooms, arranging the living room and kitchen just the way I want them, and the ongoing peace and quiet, have been pure bliss. I’ll admit, I do miss coming home wondering what odd show Lizzie will be watching on the TV (I have not seen a second of Project Runway or Say Yes to the Dress since the kids moved out) and Magic the Gathering tournaments in the middle of the living room. Not hearing the almost constant sounds of computer video games certainly took some getting used to. I love my kids (all of them). We had a remarkably drama free household and I enjoyed them living with me. Now I enjoy when they visit me, or when I visit them. And I enjoy not having to worry about anyone’s schedule but my own. But, as the Holidays approach, I can’t shake this melancholy feeling, or the sense that it will only deepen, as Halloween turns to Thanksgiving,

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and then Christmas. It feels a bit early to start scheduling gatherings, but I almost feel compelled to do so, thinking that it will make me feel better. I know that I will see my kids many times over the Holidays (they are, after all, only a ﬁve minute walk away, and Ben and Liz both work right downtown). My place is going to be very quiet…too quiet. I get a little sad thinking about the things that will be missing: the bustle of Halloween costumes being pulled together, the hilarity that ensues when I “dance” the Turkey before dressing it for the oven Thanksgiving morning, and the excitement of gift opening ﬁrst thing Christmas morning. Wow, I am going to miss that! The peace and quiet I have come to enjoy is beginning

to feel like a bit of a curse. I tell myself that these feelings will be unique to this Holiday Season (mostly…I hope) because the empty nest is all so new. But then I remember, that my October homesickness for Pennsylvania has not abated one degree, even after 33 years in California. When it comes to parenthood, the empty nest is part of the deal. And like everything else, the empty nest has its up and down sides. Until October rolled around, I hadn’t really considered the down side. But, this too, shall pass. I can always console myself with visions of Ben and Lizzie’s wedding this July, and of future Holidays with the grandkids. Ummmm...no pressure Ben and Lizzie.

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Remembering Family Traditions by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

Every family has their own traditions. The ways they manage regular occurring events such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even losses. The tradition dictates how these events are to be practiced and who is to attend. Built in to the tradition is the expectation that those involved will continue to be involved and follow their same roles and implicit rules. The family tradition makes for a shared experience and history between family members. The experience of the family tradition gives family members a common ground, a basis to their relationship. The family traditions are the glue that bind families together over time and space. In short, family traditions give meaning and speak to the nature of one’s family. There is an inevitability with family traditions and just like the apple that must fall to earth, so too do family members feel the tug of their traditions. 10

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For many persons the anticipation of the family tradition is met positively, with warmth and acceptance. For these persons there is a comfort in the family tradition. The family tradition provides for a sense of safety, familiarity and certainty. Whatever else is going on, whatever else is happening, many people can count on the family tradition to offer respite from the storm of life and a sense of belonging and harbour from life’s storms. Even in view of family conﬂict, for many the family traditions, dictating roles, rules and responsibilities, help structure even fractured relationships. Whilst one may not be pleased with the conduct of others, at least the tradition organizes the conduct of other’s so that at the very least there is a comfort with predictability – knowing what may be coming, whether wanted or not. At least one will not continued on page 22

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APP 1400 ofﬁce ordina for D Santa “We Adria for ou

UPDATE APPLE FamilyWorks Is Here for You

It is hard to believe that 2013 is drawing to a close. As the Holiday Season draws near, the stresses of this complex and challenging world will be ampliﬁed by increased social activity, increased family contact, and for some loneliness and isolation. APPLE FamilyWorks is here for you, as we have been for the past 35 years. Our mission is to provide compassionate and affordable services to help build essential life skills and improve relationships.

We invite you to join us in enriching your and your family’s lives, be it through our temperament, counseling and therapy services or our support groups, parenting and coparenting classes.

The APPLE FamilyWorks Administrative Staff

To make our services available to those most in need, please visit us at familyworks.org and look for the “Donate Now” button on our home page, or sponsor us through United Way at your place of work. Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MA, MFT

(seated) Diana Wilkins, Mary Jane DeWolf Smith, Robb Ollett and Patricia Saunders. (standing) Michelle Corona, Candace Fraser, Lew Tremaine, Adriana Cazares and Cynthia Roldan

Welcome Aboard, Robb Ollett APPLE FamilyWorks welcomes Robb Ollett, MFA to the staff. Robb serves as Associate Executive Director/ Director of Development and Marketing. In his position, Robb provides leadership and strategic direction to the agency’s community outreach, marketing and fundraising efforts, and serves as liaison to donors, community organizations and government agencies. His 35-years of non-proﬁt experience has spanned social and healthcare services, performing arts and conservation agencies, community colleges and universities campaigns. His recent local projects include the Marin

Agricultural Land Trust (MALT), Canine Companions for Independence, Petaluma Health Center, Mentor Me Petaluma, Novato Human Needs Center, and Clausen House in Oakland. Robb holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Business Administration and Sociology, with a Masters of Fine Arts in Mass Communications. Robb and his wife, Jerri, have lived in Sonoma County since 1996 and enjoy North Bay wine country living with their two boxer dogs.

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FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy ® (FIT) “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand” Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals. FamilyWorks trained therapist, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills. You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, which may include state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions (with audiovisual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change). You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

MommyTime Groups Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details. For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week. • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

For information, email mommytime@familyworks.org

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon NOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays APPLE FamilyWorks: English Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon SAN RAFAEL: Call for times.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conﬂicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect

• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce

• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence

Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conﬂict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional wellbeing, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development. Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

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Fall 2013

Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems • Linkage with others services

Independent Living Skills • Academic growth

• Housekeeping

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• Stress Reduction skills

• Community access

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• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care

• Development of social support Systems Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties

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Therapy and Life Skills Center At APPLE FamilyWorks, we know that parenting presents many challenges and can sometimes leave parents scratching their heads for new ideas. Our parenting classes teach an approach that makes the job of raising children fun and gratifying while reducing the tensin and frustration often experienced.

Parenting Today We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: • Increase cooperation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Enjoy time with your family Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Using the “New Time Out” • Giving effective directions • Setting clear consequences

• Receive respect & appreciation • Get chores & homework completed • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities • • • • •

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Listening completely Turning opposition into cooperation Knowing abilities & Temperament Applying “When...Then” Creating charts & reinforcements

Friday December 6 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Co-Parenting Today Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Deal with each other respectfully • Increase cooperation • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Design consequences that work • End rudeness & backtalk

Please Call for Schedule Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

CPR & First Aid Classes Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certiﬁcation upon completion. Call for dates and times.

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Fall 2013

Passive-Aggressive Family Members:

There is a Win/Win Solution by Dr. Deanna Brann

Do you have a mother-in-law or a daughter-in-law who says she is “fine” or who says nothing at all, but then starts in with obvious pouts, loud, heavy sighs, and those undermining “accidental” oversights? No matter what she says or doesn’t say, her actions are screaming the real truth: She is not happy with you. This is called passive aggressive behavior, and it’s not your imagination--it’s very real! Dealing with this behavior (passive and unassuming on the surface, but nastily aggressive toward you underneath) can be incredibly difficult, draining, and frustrating. Fortunately, I have some specific strategies for dealing with passive-aggressive mothers-in-law and also with passive-aggressive daughters-in-law--and even with passive-aggressive husbands/sons. So read on to get the tools you need for the results you want. For Daughters-in-Law Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Mothers-in-Law Even though it doesn’t feel like it, you really do have an advantage. I tell you this not so you can best your in-law, but so you can feel less helpless and start to see the situation in a different light. The following two tips work because they allow you to both alter her behavior and feel better in spite of her actions. After all, it takes two to play, so if you change the rules on your mother-in-law, it’s impossible for her to keep up her frustrating behavior. 16

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Here’s how to shake things up: 1. Shift the power from her to you with humor. When she tells you she is “ﬁne” but then goes into drama mode, give a good-natured chuckle or laugh in that inside-joke kind of way that tells her you know exactly what she’s doing, but you’re going to ignore the behavior. This allows you to give her a message loud and clear without outwardly challenging her. 2. Play naïve. Take her at face value. Assume that unless she says something directly, she really is ﬁne with whatever you said or did. After all, she can’t assume you’re a mind reader, right? When she can no longer count on her behavior to get her way, she will be forced to either admit how she feels or to sit back and do nothing about her contrary views. For Mothers-in-Law Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Daughters-in-Law Here, you’re probably dealing with either hurtful, stinging comments that are hard to defend against or the malicious subterfuge of the undermining “accidental” oversights. For example, your daughter-in-law may not include you on special family events or she may go into the other room whenever you come by (or never come out of the other room when you show up). Here’s how to create a more balanced sense of power: 1. Take a few emotional steps back. Realize what she’s doing to you is, for the most part, not personal. She probably behaves this way with everyone she is upset with

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because she feels she has no power. After all, if she felt conﬁdent enough to deal with people directly, she wouldn’t resort to this behavior, right? 2. Be a role model. Instead of slinking away or showing your anger, help her see that having feelings is okay. Help her learn how to express her feelings and get results that are a win-win for both of you. 3. Acknowledge her feelings even when she won’t. If she doesn’t feel it is okay to talk about “bad” feelings, help her see that feelings are just feelings. Stating to her in a calm, compassionate way what you think she’s feeling brings those feelings out into the open. 4. Help her see you really do want to understand. When you show her that she matters enough to listen to her feelings, you start to create a neutral environment, allowing you to build a stronger relationship. For Mothers and Wives Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Husbands/ Sons Husbands/sons can certainly use passive-aggressive behavior to add fuel to the ﬁre of a stressful mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law relationship. They allow things to happen and can even set it up to some degree, yet when it is brought up to them, they act as though they are helpless to change anything. A typical example is when a mother tries to talk to her son about how her daughter-in-law shuts her out of their family life. His passive-aggressive response is, “What do you want me to say?” or “I don’t know what to say,” which only makes his mother feel more helpless. When the wife tries to talk to her husband about her frustration with what she sees as her mother-in-law’s lack of respect for her and her family, all he says is, “I don’t know what to say to my mom. You know how she can be.” Because the wife is protective of her husband and tired of the drama his mother’s visits seem to create, she decides to handle the situation herself by shunning her mother-in-law--and her husband just goes along for the ride. The passive-aggressive “helplessness” of the husband/ son here is setting up an ugly situation between his wife

and his mother. Instead of saying something, he allows the drama and tension to continue. The worst part of this is that both women see him as the victim! Here’s how to put the responsibility where it belongs: • Wives, learn to work as a team. Make sure the two of you decide together the best way to handle a difficult inlaw situation. Let him know that regardless of who does the talking, the two of you must be together, side-by-side, presenting a united front when addressing his mother about what you’ve decided. If you are the one talking, he needs reflect in his words, body language, and so on that he agrees with and supports you. • Mothers, learn to get clarity. The next time your son expresses helplessness, ask straight out, “Do you agree with [your daughter-in-law]?” Also, when you discuss something you’re struggling with, such as getting to see the grandkids, talk to your son and his wife together. If he doesn’t give direct answers, point out the discrepancy between his words and his actions. It’s vital that wives and mothers make sure that the man in the middle is always part of the equation. As helpless as he appears, believe me, he is not! Of course, talk with him from a place of love, compassion, and even confusion instead of a place of anger or frustration. This will prod him toward having more honest and real relationships. The more you practice these tips, the easier it will get, and the faster your passive-aggressive in-law relationship will turn to one of mutual respect--and who knows, maybe even affection. Deanna Brann, Ph.D., is a leading expert in the field of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships. She has over 25 years experience as a clinical psychotherapist and ran her own private practice for more than 18 years. Based in Knoxville, TN, Dr. Brann is a sought after speaker, author and seminar leader. She is the two time author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets To Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law Say the Darndest Things. www. drdeannabrann.com

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Fall 2013

Life after ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ Real-Life Tips for Widowhood from Former Romance Novelist by Ginny Grimsley Perhaps the only bad thing about a lifelong romance is, eventually, someone has to die. Short of an unnatural occurrence – a violent crime, a suicide pact, a plane crash – a wife or a husband will be forced to go on alone. After decades of shared life, love and happiness with her husband, Ralph, Thelma Zirkelbach says surviving “till death do us part” can be like wandering lost in a foreign wilderness. “Ralph has been gone for 7½ years now; when I ﬁrst lost him I had no idea that I’d have to get used to an entirely new lifestyle,” says Zirkelbach, author of Stumbling Through the Dark, (www. widowsphere. blogspot.com), a memoir about an interfaith couple facing one of life’s greatest spiritual challenges. “ W h e n you’re grieving – whether your loved one is suffering from a terminal condition, or he or she has recently passed – practical things like funeral arrangements, short- to long-term ﬁnancial issues or even what’s for dinner can seem very conceptual, abstract and far removed from what you’re feeling.” “But the biggest challenge is having no one with whom to share your life,” she says. “Family milestones, major news stories and technological changes are just a few things Ralph has not

Fall 2013

experienced with me,” says Zirkelbach, a grandmother, speech pathologist and Harlequin Romance author. She offers five areas in which couples can prepare for both the process of dying, and life after death: • At the hospital: We tend to take our health for granted until we don’t feel well. Sometimes, it’s something we can’t shake; for Ralph, flu-like symptoms would prove to be leukemia. At one point during her life at the hospital with Ralph, Zirkelbach kissed her husband before he was sent off to isolation as part of his treatment; it would be the last kiss for an entire month. When a spouse gets sick and requires extended hospital treatment, be ready for a shortage of parking, general uncertainty and an irregular schedule. Z i r k e l b a c h ’s sanctuary during Ralph’s time at the hospital was the hospital’s café, where she “gorged on smoothies and cookies – sweets are my comfort food,” she says. • Finances: This can be one of the most difficult areas because, too often, couples don’t prepare for the eventuality of a death well in advance. While older couples are more likely to be financially prepared for a death, younger couples are often caught blindsided by the loss of a spouse. Consider getting professional assistance from a financial expert.

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• Spirituality: What is often put aside as secondary in daily life can quickly become the primary thought for someone who is grieving. Zirkelbach and her husband were an interfaith couple – he came from an evangelical Christian background and she is Jewish. Ralph was admitted to the hospital as Jewish; he had planned to convert, but as his condition worsened and his family became more involved, he stuck with Christianity. This was emotionally confusing to Zirkelbach during an already stressful period. Understanding each other’s views on matters of life and afterlife before a loss is helpful. • Bad things can still happen: When Ralph got sick, Zirkelbach’s mother was also beginning a rapid decline, and ultimately died before Ralph. “Just because a terrible thing is happening to you doesn’t cancel out the possibility of another one happening,” she says. “There’s no credit limit for misfortune, which is all the more reason to show love, regularly, to the people you care about the most.” • The journey of letting go: Zirkelbach quotes Mary Oliver’s poem “In Blackwater Woods”: To live in this

world / You must be able … To love what is mortal … knowing / Your own life depends on it; / And when the time comes to let it go, / To let it go. “I had no idea I could survive all by myself; it seemed like I needed help with everything,” she says. “But I’ve learned a very important lesson -- I’m much more resourceful, much stronger and much more independent than I ever thought I was.” Thelma Zirkelbach received a b a c h e l o r ’s d e g re e i n speech pathology from the University of Texas, a master’s in speech pathology and audiology from the University of Houston and an education doctorate in curriculum and instruction with emphasis on reading disorders from the University of Houston. She has been in private practice in speech pathology, specializing in young children with speech, language and learning disabilities, for many years. She began her writing career as a romance novelist, publishing with Harlequin, Silhouette and Kensington. Her husband’s death from leukemia in 2005 propelled her to creative non-ﬁction.

To live in this world / You must be able … To love what is mortal … knowing / Your own life depends on it; / And when the time comes to let it go, / To let it go. familyworks.org Magazine

Fall 2013

A Wake-up Call on Domestic Violence This Silent Epidemic Knows No Bounds By Penny Lauer

Outside her home, Jess exuded beauty, charisma, success and confidence. Among the friends that she was permitted to keep, there was respect for her and maybe even envy. After all, she seemed to have it all: a big home filled with valuable antiques and silver-framed photographs, an education from a wellknown Eastern school, and three beautiful children. Her husband made sure that she had the most expensive trappings his money could buy, praised her and their children in front of his family and colleagues; and walked proudly beside her at his company’s functions. And when he had a bad day at work, drank too much vodka, felt that his wife and children weren’t sufficiently impressed by what he had accomplished or endured any given day or was unhappy with the way the dinner table was set, he beat her unmercifully. Jess is what we call a “woman of means” and a victim of domestic violence. Her husband used the same methods to inflict pain that the abusive men on the other side of town used on their wives. All fists and feet hurt the same when used against another person’s body. The difference was that Jess’s husband knew to punch and kick where the bruises wouldn’t show. The impact on children who see their mother being abused is horrendous. By day, Jess and Steve’s children went to the best schools and clubs and malls in town; at 20

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night they hid in the corners of their closets or slid with their blankets under their beds to escape the cries and groans of their mother and the threats and curses of their father. They frequently suffered from headaches, struggled with thoughts of running away or worse, and wrestled with the guilt of not being able to protect their mother. And, even though they were desperately afraid of their father, they continued to need his love. Their emotions were the same as the boys and girls in the poorer schools, and, just like them, they “kept the silence” and went out of their way to please in order to stop the hurt. Violence in the home has nothing to do with education, wealth, social status or cultural background. Don’t think for a moment that it couldn’t happen to people like you. Abuse is all about one person’s need for power and control over others. Every victim – young or old, wealthy or poor – suffers the same. Surprisingly, women with advanced educations and greater wealth will often endure the belittling, degradation, beatings and rapes longer. The scope of domestic violence is staggering. One in four women will be abused by her partner at some point in her life – regardless of her social status. Look around you and think about that statistic when you’re in church, at a restaurant, in a shopping center, walking through your neighborhood or having dinner with your sister, daughter or granddaughter. Domestic violence has a domino effect. Most abusers were abused as children. Their sons are likely to follow

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their examples. Young girls who see their mothers abused are more likely to marry or live with men just like their fathers. Children who witness abuse will likely be sick more often than children in normal families and will often struggle in school. They could be the bullies. They show signs of deep depression and are more likely to have thoughts of suicide. Witnessing abuse often causes a young girl to turn to prostitution. Domestic violence is one of the leading causes of homelessness. We have to find a way to stop the cycle. Steve’s violence against Jess began with slurs and accusations of inadequacy and stupidity; progressed to sexual dominance; and finally, close to the birth of their first son, evolved into violent beatings. After fifteen years, because of the intervention of a good friend and the support of her parents, Jess and her children finally escaped with only the clothes on their backs. Others aren’t so fortunate. Every single day in this country, five women die at the hands of their husbands because they don’t understand that there is a way out. Violence in the home impacts all of our communities with less productivity at work; drug and alcohol abuse; homelessness; bullying; burgeoning costs for police and first-responder training , attorneys, counselors and visits to emergency rooms. It must be stopped. What can you do to help? Learn about domestic violence. More than likely, someone you know is being abused. Be aware of the tell-tale signs. If you are a victim, understand that you don’t have to live the way you are. Understand that you are not at fault. Understand too, that abusers seldom change and all of your attempts to keep the man in your home happy or to try to change him are not going to succeed. There are shelters for you and your children with all kinds of resources to help you escape and get you started on the way to a healthy, safe life. Reach out today to someone you can trust and begin the dialogue. If you suspect that someone else is a victim, help her help herself by showing concern and offering to listen. So often, all a victim needs to begin the journey to safety is someone who is aware and who cares enough to reach out to her. Suggest that she call a shelter for help or

refer her to an attorney or counselor who you can trust. If she is a family member, don’t judge. She is a victim. She’s frightened. She is emotionally and physically exhausted and has no sense of self left. She needs your understanding and love. And she needs your help. Teachers, doctors, and nurses need to know the signs of violence, to record their suspicions and begin communication. Each of us has a role to play with violence in the home. Care enough to help break the silence and save lives. Penny Lauer is an author, motivational speaker, and writing consultant for memoirs. She spent several years working with abused women. Her latest novel, Skipping Stones, tackles the subject of domestic violence in an upscale community. Visit her website www.pennyslauer. com or contact her at penlauer@hotmail.com for further information.

Seek Guidance Before Leaving

It is critical to remember that the most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence is when they decide to leave and act on that decision. The abuser, faced with sudden loss of control, can become desparate and deadly, Abuse victims who have decided too leave should seek professional guidance to create a safe escape plan for themselves and their children.In Marin County, such professional guidance can be found at the Center for Domestic Peace. Their Hot Line number is (415) 924-6616.

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Fall 2013

Remembering Family Traditions Coontinued from page 10

be taken by surprise. The family tradition offers a sense of certainty, whether for a good expectation or not. In such situations, the family tradition may seek to be avoided, but in many situations, the pull is greater that the repulsion. We go, we tolerate, we may even ďŹ ght, all as per the tradition. And so we are all bound by our family traditions with whomever we consider to be our family. We move through the calendar year organized by life events and holidays. We carry on by ourselves only to be brought back to the vortex of the family. We are as bound to the family tradition as moths to the ďŹ&#x201A;ame until one day a change occurs that threatens or alters the inevitability of the family tradition. That change may occur from within the family or outside the family by circumstances beyond our control, aging, death, birth, marriage, divorce, separation, or relocation. The integrity of the family tradition is compromised and the force to maintain it is pitted against forces of change. Uncertainty reigns, confusion sets in and roles and rules break down. Forces to maintain things as they were, ďŹ ght against the push for reorganization. There is a period of confusion as the family tradition either withers and dies, or transforms itself to carry on in news ways like the caterpillar changes into the butterfly. Not necessarily something better, but something different yet with the same DNA. In these situations, the tra22

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dition lives in on new forms with new guardians who pay homage to the past and contributing tradition. At times, the new tradition is not the changed version, but a melting of two or even more unrelated traditions. Some new traditions must accommodate to new demands, changing times, cross-cultural marriage, blended families, or new countries of living. Time moves on, family traditions change or die. The survivors are either the groomsmen or pioneers. Generations past the torch to either be extinguished or rekindled, but inevitably, things change. None-theless, we remember our family traditions. Ramadan, Rosh Hashana, Thanksgiving, Christmas. The fall is upon us and we are remembering our family traditions. This unites us in our humanity. Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, and parent-child relations.

We are as bound to the family tradition as moths to the flame...

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