January & February, 2010
6 Sportsmanship is Not
Just a Noble Idea
By Greg Williams
3
8
7 Activities for Kids of All Ages By L’Tanya Durante
4
Strengthening Relationships: Keeping Love Alive
10 Eleven Ways to Teach
By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith MA, RN, MFT
5
Collaborative Parenting: Kids Should be Seen AND Heard
Your Kids About Money... Especially Now!
By Dottie DeHarte
16 Hitting Hurts
By Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT
7
Safe Routes to School Launches Green Ways to School Campaign
FamilyWorks Brings Holiday Cheer to 119 Children
APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs 12 Counseling Programs 13 Family Interactive Therapy 14 Special Needs Programs
By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
18 2010 School Directory 19 School Spotlight:
San Domenico
FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Editor:
Lew Tremaine
Marketing:
Doug Silberstein
Art Director/Website: Christine M. Astin Web Publisher:
Art Severe
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Marin Sun Printing
FamilyWorks® Board of Directors: Amy Whitelaw, President Maria Villani, Treasurer Mark Clark, Secretary Anjana Berde, Board member Paul Ricken, Board member
FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Read FamilyWorks Magazine on-line at www.familyworks.org
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Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org Circulation: This major family magazine is published bi-monthly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 200 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2010 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org www.familyworks.org
Family Activities for Kids of All Ages Here are seven activities that children of all ages can enjoy. As the number of divorces, re-marriages, and blended families continue to increase, so does the likelihood that members of these families will be children who are born several years apart; children who rarely enjoy the same… anything. This modern day generation gap can throw a wrench in family fun. Finding those activities that will satisfy children regardless of their ages can be challenging, but not impossible. Lisa Hanson and Heather Kempskie, parents and co-authors of The Siblings Busy Book: 200 Fun Activities for Kids of Different Ages, anticipated the challenge. “Research shows that having positive experiences early in life with your siblings creates lifetime bonds. We created this book to help parents find simple ways to entertain children of different ages,” explains Kempskie. According to child and adolescent psychologist, Kristen Wynns, Ph.D., spending quality time together “gives kids a sense of security.” Family activities also invite spontaneous conversation. “It’s a good time for kids to open up and tell you things they wouldn’t at other times,” says Dr. Wynns. These are just a few ways family members of any age can enjoy the same activity and bridge the generation gap. As you come up with your family’s favorites, why not start a written list and post it inside a cabinet or on the refrigerator? Then when boredom strikes, you will be ready. L’Tanya Durante is a freelance writer and the mother of two boys, ages 14 and 4.
Watch Them Grow
Start a children’s container garden. Pick containers or plants that express each child’s personality. While younger children marvel over growing purple broccoli or golf ball-sized carrots, older children can nurture herbs grown in a teapot for their own special blend of tea. To keep your plants healthy, be sure to drill drainage holes in the bottom of the containers before you plant.
Bake Together
Sure, baking can help children learn patience, enhance their reading and math skills and boost their self-confidence, but there is also something about kneading or rolling out dough that just feels good. Alicia Cohen, mother of three children (ages 15, 11, and 11), and a baker for her all-natural cookie company, enjoys the simple pleasures of baking cookies with her children. “The oldest directs while the younger ones collect and measure ingredients. They all take turns with the cookie cutters. Of course, the best part is eating them,” says Cohen.
Serve the Community
Volunteering can strengthen both your family and the community. It also sends a powerful message to children about responsibility and tolerance. Schedule a family meeting to come up with ideas about those you would like to help. Empower children by including them in the discussions to find social issues that match your family’s interests and passions. Search Volunteer Match, www. volunteermatch org. to find kid-friendly opportunities.
www.familyworks.org
Take a Vacation by Train
Since your vacation begins as soon as you board, traveling by train eliminates the need to answer the universal question, “Are we there yet?” The U.S. Travel Data Center reports that 24% of vacationers believe that one of the benefits of traveling by train is “not having to deal with bored children.” Children have the opportunity to play games, move about the train, and likely meet other families with children.
Visit the fair
Even if children are not tall enough to ride the roller coaster or cannot stomach the thought of eating fried dough, they can still enjoy the events at the local or state fair. Games, concerts, animal petting, and tractor pulls are a few common fair attractions that appeal to fairgoers of all ages. Plan your trip in advance by checking the events calendar.
Plan a Game Night
Create lifelong memories by scheduling a family game night. Tia Hall, mother of three children (ages 16, 13 and 6), makes sure she picks board or card games that are just the right pace for her children, where strategizing is not important. Encourage fair play by carefully selecting teams. “I let my youngest child be on my team. That way the older children don’t get bored, but the youngest feels like she’s playing too,” says Hall.
Take ‘em Out to the Ball Game
Having a love for baseball is not a prerequisite for enjoying a Triple-A baseball game. On the field, the mascot’s energy alone is enough to entertain children. The young and the restless may prefer the giveaways, entertainment, and play areas found off the field. Who knows? They may even learn a bit about baseball. FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
Keeping love alive is much like gardening. Searching for a love relationship starts out similarly to searching for a special plant. In your mind’s eye you picture a plant which is beautiful and fragrant, needs little watering, withstands harsh weather, requires no special feeding, and basically requires little care. Yet when you consult the nursery professional you find that each plant requires certain conditions to thrive, including the right kind of soil, light, humidity, water, and fertilizer. You find that most plants do not bear fruit or bloom all year long. You must obtain the proper tools and knowledge to keep the plant healthy. We often search for the perfect partner. And in the beginning we think our loved one is perfect. Abundance flows and life is good. But when you consult a marriage and family therapist you find that each of you is very unique in what you need and want. You find that failing to nurture your relationship is why it is “dying”. You find that just because the other “loves” you (the feeling) does not guarantee that they know how to love you (the action). Feeding Your Relationship
Find time to find out what each of you need and want. Listen. Exchange lists. Make plans. Take at least as much time as you do planning meals, shopping and cooking as you do to feed your relationship a balanced diet of sleep, continued on page 17
Strengthening Relationships
by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.
FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
www.familyworks.org
A Dozen Relationship Roses Flowers are lovely to receive. So are the relationship roses below. Write down the reasons you are/were attracted to the other person. State those attributes out loud. Tell someone, while the other is listening, how special she/he is. Say “hello” and “goodbye” with warmth and a smile. Bring breakfast in bed... for no reason. Place a treat with a note in the lunch bag or briefcase. Call from work just to say, “I love you.” Make surprise plans for an outing. Learn to say, “Thank you for helping; that was thoughtful.” Ask specifically, for what you need. (No one has a crystal ball.) Put a sweet poem or cartoon on the bed pillow. Celebrate your relationships. They are life’s roses.
Children Should be Seen AND Heard! Don’t be silly!” “That’s not a nice thing to say.” “You’re too young to know what love is.” “Now you’ve made Sally angry. Go apologize.” “
These are some of the responses that children often hear when they try to express their feelings. The experience tells them that their emotions aren’t all that important or that some of those emotions are “bad” and should not be shared. They might get the message that they are to be “seen and NOT heard”. Parents today have much more information about the importance of encouraging children to express their feelings and that those feelings be acknowledged by those who care about them. When children’s feelings are heard and validated, it results in a child feeling safe, loved, understood, and more concontinued on page 17
Collaborative Parenting by Patricia Saunders MA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Patricia Saunders is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in families, parenting, and co-parenting. She is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services. www.familyworks.org
1. Stop what you are doing,
gain eye contact at the other’s eye level, and give your full attention. If you are in the middle of something, ask for a little time to finish and then reconnect – multi-tasking is not part of patient listening.
2. Look at the signals your
body and the other’s body is sending as you listen (non-verbal communication). Relax your body; open your eyes, posture, and heart. What is that quivering lower lip telling you? Why is your child clenching his/her fists? These are all messages about how they are feeling, so watch closely.
3. Listen to the meaning
behind the words. This is the time to put away any tendencies to analyze or form a response or opinion. Remember, you are listening – problem-solving comes later.
4. Reflect back the feeling
you believe is being expressed (not the thought). For example, “It sounds as though you were embarrassed, (angry, frustrated, etc.).” You might have mis-heard, so encourage feedback. “Am I understanding?” Remember that when your child corrects you about their feelings, this is a positive step in better understanding your child and in helping them to articulate what is going on for them emotionally.
5. Rephrase what you
understand the feeling to be and ask to hear more about it. “Uh, huh. And then what happened?” or “So then you felt . . .” will encourage more dialogue and will help the child to process the experience in a safe and accepting way. FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
Sportsmanship is Not Just a Noble Idea Part of the reason we want our children to become involved in organized sports is so they can learn how to behave in a sportsmanlike manner. What does this mean exactly?
By Greg Williams Sportsmanship Defined
Sportsmanship can be thought of as playing fair, showing courtesy to the other players, and displaying grace no matter what the outcome of the game is. Playing Fair
Playing fair is something that makes sense whether you are deciding how to conduct yourself at work, in your personal life, or on the basketball court. If you are confident that you have treated the other people you are interacting with in a fair and reasonable manner, your relationships will be more harmonious. We all have enough stress in our lives as it is; why add to it by treating the people in our lives badly? We can’t control how other people choose to behave, but we can decide how we are going to react in any given situation. When we choose to take the high road and behave in a sportsmanlike manner, we are setting the tone for the other people around us.
We can’t control how other people choose to behave, but we can decide how we are going to react in any given situation. When we choose to take the high road and behave in a sportsmanlike manner, we are setting the tone for the other people around us. FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
www.familyworks.org
Showing Courtesy
Being courteous and respectful of other people is always in fashion. Public figures, including professional athletes, sometimes get known for their lessthan-polite antics, both on the basketball court and off, but there are some others who impress by the fact that they can be counted on to be a class act all the way. Whether they picked up this strategy while playing or from the way they were brought up isn’t as important as the fact that they have developed this mindset. By behaving in this manner, they are more likely to be able to have positive relationships with other people. If you had to come into contact with someone in business or in your personal life, would you rather be around someone who treats other people well, or someone who tries to get what they want by bullying, belittling, or steamrolling other people? The person who is able to treat others uniformly well, will do well for themselves, no matter what they set out to do. They will quickly find that other people are more than willing to step up and be part of that person’s “team”. Showing Grace
No matter how well prepared or skilled you are, there will be times when you won’t get the results you are hoping for. Each time two teams meet on the soccer field, basketball court, or hockey rink, one is going to win the game and one is going to lose. That doesn’t mean that each team didn’t try its best or that they have no business being there. How a person handles defeat is a good indication of their character. Playing sports like basketball teaches the participants how to behave well, whether they win or lose. A good sport understands that on a different day, their team may be the one offering congratulations to the winners.
FamilyWorks Brings Holiday Cheer To 119 Children
APPLE FamilyWorks Parent Suport Specialists teamed up with the Salvation Army and Vallecito School to bring Holiday cheer to 119 children in the FamilyWorks Special Needs program. The Salvation Army provided a toy for each child, who is either developmentally disabled or has a special needs parent. Students at Vallecito School in Terra Linda, prepared an individual stocking, full of goodies, art supplies and personal notes to each of the children. “These families are among the lowest income, and for many, there might not have been any gifts under the tree,” explained Special Needs Program Coordinator Katherine Arnsbarger. “We appreciate our partnership with the Salvation Army, which comes through for our families every year. “And there are no words to expresss our appreciation for the efforts of the Vallecito students, who packed so much love and holiday spirit into each stocking they filled and decorated.” www.familyworks.org
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
Safe Routes to Schools Launches Greenways to School Campaign
Marin Community Foundation Provides $175,000 Grant While world leaders debate agreements to lower global carbon emissions, parents in Marin will be able to act locally, while benefiting their schools with an infusion of cash. Marin County Safe Routes to Schools (SR2S) has received an $175,000 grant from the Marin Community Foundation to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by increasing the number of students taking green trips to school by walking, biking carpooling or using bus transit. The Greenways to School Campaign will feature an inter-school challenge, classroom competition and a new SchoolPool TripShare program. SR2S will be giving out cash to not only fight greenhouse gases, but as a recession buster to provide schools with some much need revenue. The Greenways to School challenge will award from $500 to $2000 to the schools that show the greatest increase in green trips to school by the end of the year. In addition, this spring each participating school will be asked to run the Go for the Green classroom competition in which students will be tracking their green trips by placing leaves on a tree poster in their classroom. The class in each school that posts the most leaves will also win a cash award. The SchoolPool program is a web-based program that will provide parents with opportunities to find others who live along their routes to school so they can carpool together. Those who live closer can find neighbors so that they can walk or bike together.Walking in groups provides safety in
FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
www.familyworks.org
Q: True or False: Marin County residents care deeply about the environment.
A: True Q: True or False: Marin has a lower carbon footprint than the national average.
A: False – Marin’s carbon footprint is higher than the national average *
Q: 62% of Marin’s greenhouse gases are
caused by: a. Energy Use b. Transportation c. Desalination Plant d. All of the above
A: b. Transportation ** *source: Global footprint Network, report to the county of Marin **source: Marin County Plan
numbers as well as providing socializing time on the way to school for both the children and for the parents. Carpooling can save on gas and provide parents needed time off from driving their children to and from school. While Marin County has a reputation for environmental stewardship, its carbon footprint exceeds the national average. A full 62% of carbon emissions in Marin are caused by the transportation sector. The program will be unveiled on January 21 at 4 p.m. at the Marin Connections Center. Marin County Superintendent of Schools Mary Jane Burke will open the event, and Edna Maguire Principal Lisa Zimmerman will be honored for her school’s success in showing a 50% increase in the number of green trips to school. Attendees will get a tutorial in how to use the SchoolPool program. Refreshments will be served. Marin is a nationally recognized leader in the Safe Routes to Schools movement, which encourages children to walk and bike to school. In the past ten years, they have increased the number of children walking and biking by 29% and grown from nine schools to over 50 schools, including high schools and private schools. Safe Routes to Schools has also assisted public agencies in winning over $10 million in grants to upgrade sidewalks, bike lanes and paths and increase police enforcement near schools. The result is less traffic around schools and healthier children and communities. Safe Routes to Schools is a program of the Transportation Authority of Marin.
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FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
Eleven Ways to Teach Kids About Money... Especially Right Now!
Eric Tyson says the current economic slowdown is a great time for kids to learn smart money habits.
by Dottie DeHart
Financially speaking, it’s a tough time to be a parent. While the economic turmoil may be behind us, many companies have frozen pay raises and bonuses while others have faced layoffs, and as a result some families are still strapped. So if you’re feeling guilty because you can’t buy your child that video game system he desperately wants for his birthday or if you’re asking him to choose between playing basketball or taking karate lessons this winter, Eric Tyson has one word for you: Don’t. In fact, he says, now is the perfect time to teach your kids some valuable financial lessons. “Kids are surprisingly aware of what’s going on in the world,” says Tyson, author of Personal Finance For Dummies®, 6th Edition (Wiley, ISBN: 978-0-470-50693-6, $21.99). “And if they don’t know that times are a little bit tough and that Mom and Dad have to watch their spending, it’s time to tell them. Sheltering kids from financial realities does them no favors.” Indeed, the opposite is true, says Tyson. A good grasp of personal finance is one of the most valuable life skills a person can have. And while previous generations may have been raised with the constant admonishment that “money doesn’t grow on trees,” too many of today’s parents neglect that lesson. It’s time to change that—and the severe recession we’ve been through provides a great incentive for doing so. “In many ways, a long-term financial slowdown can be a 10 FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
blessing in disguise,” admits Tyson. “It forces more families to make a budget and stick to it. It forces them to be conscious about how they handle money. That’s good for kids. It shows them how the world is supposed to work.” Ready to get started? Tyson offers the following helpful hints:
1. Tell them the truth. Kids are perceptive. If you’ve
been acting anxious and on edge lately, they’ve noticed. Rather than let them wonder why Mom and Dad are working so much lately or constantly talking about money, explain (on their level) what’s going on in the family’s financial world. “Obviously, you don’t have to get into the details of your stock portfolio,” says Tyson. “But you can explain that what’s going on in the economy means that some changes
www.familyworks.org
Continued on page 15
Therapy and Life Skills Center Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime Parenting Programs Child-Centered Co-Parenting
Positive
& Peaceful
Parenting
Parents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:
Learn Keys to Increasing: • Cooperation • Self-esteem • Responsibilty • Communication • Respect • Discipline
Exploring Free! Motherhood For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to 9 months). Spanish speaking group: Tuesdays, 10 a.m. to noon at Marin Community Clinic in Novato. English and Spanish speaking groups Thursdays 10 AM to Noon at Marin Community Clinic in San Rafael. • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress • Reduce anxiety and depression
• Deal with each other respectfully
Viewing Life Today • Being a Proactive Parent • Identifying Your Universal Principles
• Increase cooperation • Make co-parenting decisions calmly
Growing Great Kids • Understanding How Kids Work • Ensuring Goodness of Fit • Making Work Fun
• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • Manage constantly shifting schedules
Listening and Talking • Listening Effectively • Decreasing Impulsive Behavior
• Stop tantrums and dawdling
Problem Solving that Gets Results • Using the Magical “When...Then” • Designing Charts that Get Results • Revamping “Time Out”
• End rudeness & backtalk
Feeling More Confident • Being Positive and Persistent • Sharing Successes • Setting Positive Consequences
• Design consequences that work Seven Tuesday evenings: Jan. 12 - Feb. 16, 2010 Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.
Four Tuesday evenings: Jan. 26 - Feb. 16, 2010 Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.
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415-492-0720 FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
11
Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime
Therapy and Life Skills Center
Therapy with Children
Family Therapy and Couples Counseling Concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through: • Managing Child Behavior • Resolving Hurts and Conflicts • Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Addictions • Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play • Managing Anger • Creating Cooperative Responsible Children
With Child-centered “playrooms,” and a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance and emotional regulation.
Individual
Therapy with Teens
Utilizing a variety of theoretical approaches, FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including:
FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood. Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.
• • • • • • • •
Life Stage Transitions Anxiety Abuse Depression Anger & Conflict Improved Self-Esteem Grief & Loss Stress
Assessment
Using temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential. Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available. Adjustable Fees
www.familyworks.org 12 FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
www.familyworks.org
415-492-0720
Therapy and Life Skills Center Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime Family Interactive Therapy F. I.T Services: When Family members want to improve communication and learn problem solving skills, Family Interactive Therapy at FamilyWorks, offers a unique program. Initially the parents share concerns with their therapist, followed by an opportunity for the entire family to set and meet their goals. Then, individual family members may be interviewed. An action plan is designed to meet the needs of each individual and the entire family.
Family Meeting
Individual Counseling Families may choose to benefit from the one way mirror option, in which child development assessments are made and family members can practice the skills they are learning with the assistance of a FamilyWorks Therapist. Parents may receive guidance through an ear bud as the therapist observes interactions through the one-way mirror.
One-way Mirror Option
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415-492-0720 FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
13
Therapy and Life Skills Center Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime Support for Individuals with Disabilities Parenting Support Services • Parenting and Co-Parenting • Childbirth Education • Child Development and Family Planning • Behavior Management and Stress Reduction • Early Intervention in Postpartum Depression • Positive and Peaceful Discipline
• Injury Prevention, Nutrition, and Exercise • Household Management, and Transportation • Financial Management and Budgeting • Development of Social Support Systems • Linkage with Others Services
• Family Health Promotion and Hygiene
Independent Living Skills • Academic Growth
• Hygiene and Self-care
• Behavior Management
• Housekeeping
• Stress Reduction Skills
• Transportation Skills
• Injury Prevention
• Community Access
• Nutrition
• Employment Readiness
• Health Promotion and Exercise
• Financial Management and Budgeting
• Development of Social Support Systems
CPR & First Aid Classes Saturday, January 16, 2010 Saturday, March 6, 2010 CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PM First Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM
Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive
www.familyworks.org 14 FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
www.familyworks.org
a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.
415-492-0720
the powerful money messages you’re sending your kids. If your financial habits are poor, overhaul them now. You owe it to your kids.”
Teach Kids About Money
4.
continued from page 10
will have to be made at home. For instance, they may have to understand that the holidays will be leaner this year, or that the annual ski trip may not happen. Helping them understand what it all means will lessen the anxiety they feel as a result of seeing their parents worrying over money.”
2.
Explain to them how much things cost. Some parents are surprised to find out that their kids don’t have a very good grasp on what things cost. A great handson way to open their eyes is to take them on a “money tour” around the house. For example, kids might not understand that hot water costs more than cold water, or that bumping up the heat results in higher power bills. This exercise will teach them how they can conserve and thus help the family save money. You can also pile up all of the bills for the month and have them look at the amount on each one. Show them what the family’s cost of living is and again reiterate the areas in which they can play a part in reducing the costs.
3.
Realize that kids learn what they live. It may sound like common sense, but you—Mom and Dad—are your kids’ most influential teachers. When you ring up a barge-load of credit card debt, take out exorbitant mortgages or car loans, and fail to save anything, that’s what your kids come to see as normal. If you are modeling unhealthy financial habits, you can’t realistically expect your kids to “do as I say, not as I do.” “Over the last year or so, we’ve been seeing what irresponsible spending can do to the economy as a whole,” says Tyson. “And for many families, the results on their personal financial situations have been just as significant. Adults who are extravagant with money and who fail to save for the future can expect to raise children who are accomplished spenders and poor savers. Be honest with yourself about
Deprogram them. Kids are constantly bombarded with information about what things cost, whether it’s the fancy sports car they like or the wardrobe of their favorite athlete or actor, not to mention the 40,000 commercials that the American Academy of Pediatrics estimates the average American child sees each year. What they aren’t bombarded with is knowledge concerning how to manage money effectively. And while schools are increasingly incorporating money issues into the existing curriculum, the broader concepts of personal financial management still aren’t taught. Frightening though it may be, some schools rely on free “educational” materials from the likes of VISA and MasterCard! “These credit card titans provide materials that implicitly and explicitly support carrying consumer debt as a sound way to finance significant purchases and living expenses,” says Tyson. “In fact, VISA and MasterCard school-supplied resources endorse spending upward of 15 to 20 percent of one’s monthly take-home income to pay credit card and other consumer debts! Explain to your kids that such spending puts a lot of money directly into the credit card companies’ pockets, so of course they’re going to offer that advice…but that smart people don’t listen to it.”
5.
An allowance is a great teaching tool. You don’t have to break child labor laws to find great ways to help your kids earn their allowances rather than just have the money handed over to them. A well-implemented allowance program can mimic many money matters that adults face every day throughout their lives. From recognizing the need to earn the green stuff to learning how to responsibly and intelligently spend, save, and invest their allowances, children can gain a solid financial footing from a young age. “A great time to start is when your kids reach the five-toseven age range,” says Tyson. Teach them to value taking care of their room and their hygiene with star charts and activity
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continued on page 20 FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
15
Hitting Hurts...
So Does Exposure To It As A Kid by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children (1)
16 FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
Although this is an old statistic and we know violence can be perpetrated by both genders, there is a sad truth that remains: In addition to being abused directly, children are exposed to violence between the caring adults within their home and that hurts too. Children’s exposure to domestic violence ranges from seeing physical altercations and attacks between their caregivers in the home; to hearing the screaming and yelling; to seeing objects thrown or broken; to seeing doors broken and fists through walls; to smelling flesh as burns are inflicted; to witnessing the aftermath such as a distraught parent or blood or bruises or physical destruction of
poor attachment to their caregiver. Preschoolers exposed to violence at home may also be overly aggressive or overly passive. They may avoid age appropriate exploration or they may show regressive behavior, such as toileting accidents and problems. They may also begin to show traits of oppositional behavior. School age children may present with learning problems, difficulty with attention, and symptoms of anxiety. They may appear fearful of other adults or alternately overly friendly, so as to minimize their perceived risk of upsetting the adult and exeriencing wrath. Teenage children can appear anxious or depressed. They may have
It is simply a myth that children only exposed to violence between their caring adults are not affected by it. The truth is they are affected by it. The issue is how much and what can be done about it. belongings. The effects of such exposure on children can be devastating. Depending on the age of the child, the effects can vary. Babies can present as inconsolable and have difficulty sleeping or feeding. Toddlers may have problems with language development. They may be overly aggressive or overly passive, or they may demonstrate www.familyworks.org
significant school problems and attendance problems. Teenagers may surface with drug and alcohol problems. As they form relationships, boys are at risk of using harmful control strategies to maintain the relationship, whereas girls may be passive in their relationship thus tolerating abusive behavior. It is simply a myth that children only exposed to violence between
their caring adults are not affected by it. The truth is they are affected by it. The issue is how much and what can be dome about it. How much a child is affected depends upon the age of the child and the type, severity, frequency, and duration of exposure to violence between their caring adults. With regard to what can be done, the first rule is always to provide for the safety of the child in a manner that eliminates the risk of further exposure. This may require their caring adult to find safe shelter. In the absence of such, it may require intervention by child protection authorities to relocate the child to a place of safety. If this is the case, care should be taken to ensure continuity of relationship with their non-offending caring adult and continuity with their school and community. Relocation should avoid dislocation, as the child would then have to endure multiple losses that can contribute to other challenges in the treatment process. Once the child and hopefully non-offending caring adult are secure, the next steps involve facilitating as normal a routine and structure as possible for the
child and then attending to their counseling needs. Wherever possible the more seamless the transition between these steps the better. It is every child’s birthright to grow up free from harm and also free from exposure to the harm of others. Such exposure can have devastating effects on the child and can contribute to their experiencing similar problems as adults. Intervening in a way that promotes safety while preserving relationships and attending to their needs will go a long way to reversing harmful effects and improving their future. (1)Strauss, Murray A, Gelles, Richard J., and Smith, Christine. 1990. Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations.
Keeping Love Alive continued from page 4
recreation, intimacy and exploring your relationship world. Protecting Your Environment
Keep your home a haven. Fill it with play and peace. Discuss - not fight, yell, threaten or shame. Providing Space to Grow
Balance closeness with individual expression. Welcome your loved one’s need for “me” time. Set reasonable expectations and give your partner room to breathe.
Cultivating Relationships
Make friendships with other groups and people. No one relationship can fulfill all your needs. (It takes more than one plant to make a garden.) Weed and prune
Evaluate how your relationship is growing. Eliminate the “weeds” of discontent and “prune back” ineffective habits, patterns and activities that keep you from spending meaningful time together. www.familyworks.org
Collaborative Parenting continued from page 5
Your good listening skills will encourage your child to return to you for your support and understanding and even problemsolving. fident. When emotions are shamed or discounted, children may express them in other ways, by acting them out (yelling, hitting, biting, etc.) or holding them in (often resulting in sadness, over or under eating, physical ailments, or increased stress and anxiety). So, how do we hear and acknowledge our children’s feelings? We learn to be “Patient Listeners”. When we ask parents in our Positive and Peaceful Parenting class to raise their hands if they think they are good listeners, almost everyone puts up a hand. Once we look at the steps to be a truly patient and focused listener, most realize that there is room for improving in the use of this important tool. Your good listening skills will encourage your child return to you for your support and understanding and even problem-solving Last, but not least, remember how important it is to be a role model for your children. Practice accepting your full range of emotions and expressing them appropriately. Demonstrate daily that listening produces creative thinking and action and builds stronger bridges of understanding and mutual acceptance. Happy Listening! FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
17
2010
School Directory The German Language School of Marin We provide students with affordable, yet highly qualified instruction about the language, customs, history and culture of German speaking countries. Classes are given on Saturdays from 9:30 am 12:00 noon and are open to anyone interested in learning German. www.germanschoolmarin.com LycÊe Français La PÊrouse The LycÊe Français is the only total immersion French school in the Bay Area. The college preparatory school welcomes children from pre-K to 12th grade on three campuses, where students follow the authentic French National Education program. The school is ideal for engaged, active learners who are not afraid of academic challenges. www.lelycee.org Marin Country Day School Marin Country Day School is a warm, inclusive, diverse community continued on page 22
Consider a Change of Pace...
Marin Country Day School
Sixth Grade Information Evening For current fifth grade students and their parents Thursday, January 7 6:45–9:00 p.m. at MCDS 5221 Paradise Drive, Corte Madera 94925
(Infant - 4.5 years)
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RSVP to admission@mcds.org
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School Spotlight Beat the Clock: The Time to Learn San Domenico School
By Kathy Glass San Domenico School, Marin’s oldest independent school serving pre-kindergarten through eighth grade boys and girls, has withstood the test of time by cherishing its heritage, embracing the present, and actively planning for the future. Not too long ago, the San Domenico community made a space in time to stop and reflect, to consider where the future may take it, and, most importantly, what is truly—uniquely—San Domenico. The list was long; some items were rooted in tradition while others reflected modern influences, such as brain research and technology. But what both startled and pleased the group, was that in a world where the fast pace often crosses the line to frenetic, San Domenico still cherishes the gift of time it can bestow on its students. That discovery is illustrated in the statement, “At San Domenico School, we don’t see a necessary distinction between high achieving and happy, well balanced children. We know from experience that schools—and students—come in more than two speeds.” Time is certainly recognized as a key factor in nurturing children’s social, emotional, and spiritual development but time as a factor in the process of learning is often seen as a scarce commodity, one that has to be efficiently filled. Students and teachers become engaged in a race with the clock with students studying—not to learn but to ace a test, and teachers delivering a stream of information in order to “cover” course material. Current research shows that the fast pace fails to sustain the natural curiosity of children; they learn there is no time for “What if…?” or “Why not?” or “Can I?” Going quickly, the research concludes, makes for inert and unengaged learners. At San Domenico, recent refinements in curriculum have changed teacher paradigms and practices so that time is used in a more deliberate manner, and this abets the learning process rather than limiting it. Principles embedded in the literacy movement— continued continuedon onpage page2222 www.familyworks.org
FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
19
Teach Kids About Money continued from page 15
reinforcers. Then for special household or outdoor projects, set a per/activity completed rate. Clearly, younger children will complete smaller chores and thus earn less money. Avoid the danger of fixed wage per hour or per week. By paying for the “piece work” the child is encouraged by seeing a part of the job completed, and various portions of the job can be met out to different aged children. E.g. Racking a garbage can full of leaves - $2.; sweeping the driveway, and deck - $3.; washing and vacuuming the car - $5.; folding and put away a load of wash - $1.; placing stamps on 20 envelopes - 25 cents. “Start them on some household chores, and explain to them that they will be paid for their work. Of course, the size of the allowance should depend, in part, on what sorts of expenditures and savings you expect your child to engage in and, perhaps, the amount of ‘work’ you expect your child to perform around the house. I recommend paying $0.50 to $1.00 per year of age. So, for example, a six-year-old child would earn between $3 and $6 per week.”
6.
Start them saving and investing early. It’s never too early to start saving, and the sooner you can instill the importance of saving money into your kids, the better. After they start earning allowances, have your kids save a significant portion (up to half) of their allowance money toward longer-term goals, such as college (just be careful about putting money in children’s names as doing so can harm college financial aid awards). Tyson recommends that children reserve about onethird of their weekly take for savings. As they accumulate more significant savings over time, you can introduce the concept of investing. “Rather than trekking down to the boring old local bank and putting the money into a sleepy, low-interest bank account, I prefer having kids invest in mutual funds,” says Tyson. “Another option is for kids to buy individual stocks. Kids can learn more about how the financial markets work and understand stocks better by sometimes picking individual stocks rather than using funds. Just be careful to keep transaction fees to a minimum and teach your kids how to evaluate a stock and its valuation, and not to simply buy companies that they’ve heard of or that make products they like. The money they are able to save and invest will be a huge help to them later on in life.”
7. Reduce their exposure to ads. The primary path to re20 FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
duced exposure to ads is to cut down on TV time. When kids are in front of the tube, have them watch prerecorded material. You can direct the television viewing of younger children in particular toward videos and DVDs. And for older kids, if you use digital video recorders (DVRs) such as TIVO, you can easily zap ads. But when an ad does sneak under the radar and set the kids to begging, address it. Explain to your kids that there’s never a good time for frivolous impulse spending—but it’s especially harmful when money is tight. “Invest the necessary time to teach and explain to your kids that the point of advertising is to motivate consumers to buy the product by making it sound more wonderful or necessary than it really is,” says Tyson. “Also explain that advertising is costly and that the most heavily promoted and popular products include the cost of all that advertising, so they’re paying for it when they buy those items.”
8.
Find entertaining ways to teach good money habits. You’ll probably face an uphill battle when teaching kids about personal finance. That’s why it’s so important to find entertaining ways to instill good financial habits in them. For younger kids, Tyson recommends age-appropriate books like The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies. For late-elementary-school-aged kids, Quest for the Pillars of Wealth by J.J. Pritchard is a chapter book that teaches the major personal finance concepts through an engaging adventure story. You could also get them a subscription to Zillions, a kids’ magazine from the publishers of Consumer Reports, which covers money and buying topics. “Another great opportunity to teach your kids about personal finance and get to spend quality time with them in the process is through board games,” suggests Tyson. “Monopoly and Life are two games that are very effective at getting your kids to think about the best way to manage money and plan whether they should spend or save.”
9. Teach them how to shop wisely. Family shopp
ing trips, whether for groceries or something else, are likely to be your kids’ first encounters with spending. They’ll see you make decisions based on what the family needs, watch you use coupons when possible, and observe how you pay. These trips are a great time to teach them lessons about money and the value of product research and comparison shopping. “Take your kids to the mall and ask them to pick out three pairs of shoes that they really like without looking at the prices,” suggests Tyson. “Chances are they’ll come back with at least one expensive pair and at least one affordable pair. This is a great way to show them that just because they really like something, it doesn’t necessarily cost a lot of money. Demonstrate how to identify overpriced and
www.familyworks.org
10.
Introduce the right and wrong ways to use credit and debit cards. Those plastic cards in your wallet offer a convenient way to conduct purchases in stores, by phone, and over the Internet. Unfortunately, credit cards offer temptation for overspending and carrying debt from month to month. Teach your kids the difference between a credit and debit card, explaining that debit cards are connected to your checking account and thus prevent you from overspending as you can on a credit card. “Explain to them that credit cards should be used sparingly, and then practice what you preach,� says Tyson. “Wean yourself off of using your credit card, and tell your kids why you’ve decided to do so.�
necessary purchases like DVDs or cool clothing. “I had an extensive newspaper route for a number of years, and I cut lawns and did other yard work during high school and college summers,� says Tyson. “By holding down such jobs, kids can learn about working, earning, saving, and investing money. It also provides welcome relief for parents to not continually be the source of spending money. Working outside the home does raise some safety issues, so by all means be involved in ensuring that your child has a safe work environment.� “Besides the learning opportunities it presents, there’s another positive to the recession, says Tyson. It forces families to be more thoughtful about how they spend their time—and this often leads to the stunning realization that money really doesn’t buy happiness.� “Often, all those unnecessary things we buy for ourselves and our kids are simply distractions from the people we love,� he says. “They send the message that it’s necessary to spend a lot of money in order to have a good time. It’s not, of course. The best things in life—friends, family, quiet evenings at home just being together—really are free. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded of that.�
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11.
Encourage older kids to get a job. An allowance doesn’t have to be the only way for your kids to earn money. Your child’s initial exposure to the work-forpay world can start with something as simple as a lemonade stand. Depending on age, he or she might do yard work for neighbors or offer babysitting services. And the fact that we’re in a recession makes it all the more appropriate for older kids to “help out� by getting a part-time job—especially to fund un-
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shoddy merchandise. Show them how to voice a complaint when returning defective products and go to bat for better treatment in service environments, two additional tasks that are part of being a savvy consumer. “Finally, if you have elementary- or middle school-age children, you might also engage them in a coupon clipping contest. Sit them down at the kitchen table armed with the coupon section of the newspaper, any advertisements you’ve received in the mail, and some scissors. Tell them that whoever finds the most coupons for products you regularly use in the home will receive a little extra allowance that week. It’s a great way to, once again, show them what items really cost and to reinforce the importance of shopping wisely.�
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FamilyWorks Magazine -January & February, 2010
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2010 School Directory continued from page 18
guided by core values of respect, responsibility and compassion. Children develop into excellent learners and good people through a broad-based, highly participatory curriculum. The vibrant spirit of all involved engage to make MCDS a good place for children. Primary points of entry are at kindergarten and grade 6. www.mcds.org Marin Waldorf School Pre-K through 8th grade. Our curriculum provides a rigorous academic education including foreign languages, arts, music, movement, and community festivals. Our program fosters critical thinking, emotional and social intelligence, and physical activity. Marin County’s only accredited Waldorf School. Open House
November 14th 10am – noon. (415) 4798190 x 102. www.marinwaldorf.org Montessori de Terra Linda Montessori de Terra Linda offers a Montessori education for children ages two through twelve. In addition to a strong, academic curriculum we offer Spanish, Orff Music, and Art. Physical Education is taught to all Elementary students. A Gardening Program, After School Specialty Classes, and Summer Camp programs are offered for all levels. 415-479-7373; www.mdtl.org; admissions@mdtl.org St. Isabella School Dedicated to achieving the spiritual, intellectual, physical, and social growth of our students, we foster academic
excellence in a nurturing, communityfocused environment. Faculty specialists in science, math, technology integration, Spanish, P. E., music. educating tomorrow’s leaders in K-8th grade for over 40 years. Call Kathy Adams, 479-3727 for more information or to schedule a tour. Near Highway 101. www.stisabellaschool.org San Domenico School Parents: Have you ever felt forced to choose between a competitive school and a supportive one? At San Domenico School we don’t see a necessary distinction between high-achieving students and happy, well-balanced children. Find out more by touring our beautiful San Anselmo campus. Call 415-298-1905 or go to www.sandomenico.org/visit
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Strengthening relationships... for a lifetime... 22 FamilyWorks Magazine - -January & February, 2010
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San Domenico continued from page 19
championed by educators such as Harvey Daniels, Stephanie Harvey, Ellin Keene, and others—work well across all disciplines. Such principles call for learning experiences that are specific in focus and go deeper. It nurtures metacognition, the awareness of thinking processes such as analyzing, synthesizing, creating, probing and investigating. Robert Sternberg, educator and researcher on the nature of intelligence, emphasizes that people achieve expertise through purposeful engagement. The teacher’s role becomes not only to teach the needed skills in math, science or reading but to model strategies and techniques for thinking and problem solving.
Such an approach means that these strategies are applied across the curriculum and to increasingly difficult problems. Students are given time to explore the strategies, and even to fail. Both Sternberg and Carol Dwek, author of Mindset, identify times of challenge, effort, and struggle as highly productive for learning provided students are given time to try again and to overcome the initial frustration of an unsuccessful endeavor. To provide these kinds of purposeful learning experiences, teachers are using a variety of tasks and projects. Students may engage in long term projects of their own interest such as the third grade reports on historic Marin sites, or civic issues pertinent to their particular county district, which are then shared with classmates. Fifth grade students undertake a similar endeavor with the year long study of a state. Art, music, and writing all provide venues for students to pursue a particular interest or
to apply new skills in a novel way. Collaborative learning in science, math or reading lets students exchange ideas on what they understand, how they came to understand it, or how they might solve a problem or extend their learning in a particular content area. Together they can try novel approaches, take creative risks, evaluate their efforts and become aware of what it takes to succeed. Students become less dependent and more empowered as learners. The amount of information now available to learners far surpasses any student’s capacity to “know� it. Fortunately, technology makes the knowledge accessible for use. The best tools students can be given are thinking strategies and the time to develop them. Time well spent now means learning that lasts a lifetime. Call 415-298-1905 or go to www. sandomenico.org/visit.
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