Mom’s Super Bowl Lingo Moms are often stereotyped as being football-illiterate. First down? Red zone? Fullback? But in the spirit of the Super Bowl (aka “Wife-on-Her-Own Day”) on February 6, here are 16 football terms that have double-meanings in the context of raising kids -- meanings that endure well beyond an over-hyped three-hour period on an otherwise useful Sunday afternoon:
O
a ou hold d take a y n e h W an e hand r. n o h t i w the h the o call wit
ine fensive L
wn! First Do clamation tal ex
o Paren ger of tw n u o y e h after t ep. oes to sle g s g n li ib s
Of
!”
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e Line
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u run o When yo ull one. f a e iv g to
ou Wh left the h e ’v u o y r afte acifiers. p le p m a without
int Extra Po
al mechanic f o it f e n s. The be ypical #2 t r e v o s pencil
n d Positio the park, l e i F d o Go pot in dog y picnic s
tection
Pass Pro
and A shad children r e h t o far from poop.
in
it s like Des ie n a p m eps co ess. What ke e in busin n li e s a V and
January & February, 2011
Th on unging o l n e h w bed. child’s
ic Wh t-menu t . n a r u a t s tie first re ends in a e m a g e tac-to
of the issue t le t t e s o ie bu How t ree cook he f e n o g nt gettin hildren o c o w t g it. havin ing over t h ig f f o verge
e
ly icker Flea-Fl ly dog, especial e fami your
eplay Instant R ens when the at happ
Halftime
Red Zon
e first!” she hit m
ut d Time-O time n o c e S 30 ut of
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ception kid crying
d Re ne-Han
er Turnov t at which one e poin ter-
Th wa llotted nds and a ’s d l i e ch period n i a t n u fo ns. r’s begi e h t o n a
Strong
Safety
ha at whic and! t n e m The mo s “Hold my h say ot!” parent arking l p a n i We’re
ur when yo , n a iv in ne In the m the left la u o y s ll e child t is clear.
d Tight En
k hild’s soc c a f o t r n. The pa t to put o s e d r a h that is
familyworks.org
Joel Schwartzberg is an awardwinning essayist and author of “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad” (www.bookfordad.com)
January & February, 2011
6
The Year of No Regrets
2
by Dotie DeHart
18 Don’t Focus on
Mom’s Super Bowl Lingo By Joel Schwartzberg
4
Your Child’s Happiness
By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
Demystifying Therapy
By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith MA, RN, MFT
APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs 12 Counseling Programs 13 Family Interactive Therapy 14 Support for Individuals
15 APPLE FamilyWorks
Toy Drive a Success
16 School Spotlight:
Marin Country Day School
22 Dollar Snacks
By David Boesch
FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Editor:
Lew Tremaine
Marketing:
Doug Silberstein
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Circulation: This major family magazine is published bi-monthly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 200 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2010 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org
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January & February, 2011
Demystifying Therapy
Individual Group
Old School versus 21st Century Healing Freudian... Object Relations... Psychodynamic... Rational-Emotive... Control Mastery... Cognitive... Behavioral... Bowenian... Rogerian... the list goes on...
by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & by Mary Jane Family Therapist DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a
Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is specializing in couples, parenting a renowned family educator. Learn and co-parenting concerns. She is a more great parenting skills in her renowned family Parenting educator. Learn more Positive & Peaceful class. great parenting skills Call (415) 492-0720 to signinupher or Positive an appointment for class. counseling &make Peaceful Parenting Call services. (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services. January & February, 2011
Child
Couples Language and Labels
What do we need to know about these labels? Each profession has a unique language, just as people in all different types of groups have their own sayings to communicate a larger concept or belief. Sometimes this short form of language is helpful for us all. Sometimes it excludes us from participating or understanding. In some cases it even creates an unhealthy division between people who ideally would be working together for a common goal. I invite you to follow along as I share the changes that have occurred in the healing professions, by way of my path to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). In this way, together, we can demystify therapy. Old School
My education at the University of California Medical Center’s School of Nursing focused on “total patient care” – mind/body/spirit, but the medical climate was a top down system. Step up - and your job was in jeopardy. I noticed that patients would be bewildered about what was “being done” to them. Nurses familyworks.org
were restricted as to what information they could offer. Too often the patients were bewildered - feeling that perhaps they were not smart enough to be let in on the treatment, or that the illness was too devastating to know the truth. The patients truly had to be patient to get enough information - to even begin to participate in their healing. In those days the notion that women could participate in childbirth was very new, but U.C.S.F. was a pioneer. I was delighted to complete the training at U.C.S.F. to become a certified childbirth educator. The approach was holistic. I guided the woman and her partner to utilize healing visualization, progressive relaxation, movement, positive self-talk as well as knowledge of the mind/body connection. It was my experiences with hundreds of families that provided the impetus for founding APPLE FamilyWorks in 1978. We knew that the labor began after the birth. We were pioneers in providing childbirth and parenting education programs, for at that time - mothers clubs, or new mothers groups did not exist.
People were isolated. Personal computers were very rare and the Internet was non-existent. We did not live in a global economy. Few thought “green” or about interconnectivity. With no MRI’s, PET scans, or digital imagery neuroscience was in its infancy. Sterilization and schedules were the rule. Germs were the source of illness. Lifestyle was peripheral. Mind/body medicine? What was that? Mental Health and the Media
Too many movies portray therapists as goofy folks with messed up lives, no boundaries, illicit fantasies about their patients, and unprofessional conduct. Go further back to Freud in Vienna, and it’s not surprising that the public may think that therapists are wacky. Freud believed that all mental imbalance was to be blamed on the mother-child relationship. Psychological problems were a result of the conflict between primitive sexual urges (the Id) and the conscience (the Superego). The psychiatrist of those days based practice on decoding the symbolic meaning of dreams to uncover the struggle between the three “parts’ of the psyche. Patients (with money to spend) worked with their doctors three times a week for years. Now we know that no such mental topography exists (no brain map with Ego, Id, and Superego), but in the early to mid 1900’s – such beliefs were widespread. Schizophrenia was the result of “refrigerator mothers” – cold, uncaring women who failed to nurture their children. Depression was the result of self-centered people failing to appreciate their good fortunes. Imbalanced neurochemistry, genetic predispositions, and societal stress were not seen as causes of mental distress. Choose a better mother, be self-discipline, or become institutionalized. Take your choice. (Of course I’m oversimplifying here, but you get the drift.) FlewOver Overthe the Cuckkoo’s Cuckkoo’s Nest OneOne Flew Nest exposed the mistreatment taking place in mental “hospitals”. Later famous actors revealed their struggles with mental
illness and began to educate the public about its neurochemical underpinnings. More recently movies, such as AA BeautiBeautiful Mind, Mind, revealed the devastation that neurochemical imbalances have on brilliant minds. By accident, Lithium (a natural salt) was discovered to help people with manic depression (now called Bipolar Disorder). In the past five three years, outstanding breakthroughs have taken place to help those with serious mental disorders. Sadly, the press leaps on opportunities to discredit psychoactive drugs without offering a balanced view. An example of life-saving benefits of medication, include women with pre and postpartum depression who are now able to nurture their infants and their families. New School Begins
In the late 1950’s Virgina Satir (a social worker) and others, introduced the concept of Family Systems into the lexicon of the therapy world. Her book, “Conjoint Family Therapy” showed the effectiveness of looking at the entire family and including them in the healing of the member who was the “identified patient”. Individual therapy continued, but even when the “unit of treatment” was one family member, therapists wished to understand the interrelationships of family, work, culture, ethnicity and more. With increased ease of travel and improved global communication, eastern thinking became introduced into our society. Buddhism, Meditation, Accupuncture, and inspiring physicians like Deepak Chopra came on the scene. Heart disease was no longer just about the organ and vessels. It was about lifestyle. The “scientific method” joined with (or competed with) theories, which embrace the mind/body connection and the opportunity to “heal thyself”. Holism was here. Health Maintenance Organizations, such as Kaiser Permanente, include patients in creating their own wellness. Preventing illness is a goal, which serves the patient and the provider. When I was in nursing school I familyworks.org
could not see myself as a psychiatric nurse. In that era, Freudian Psychiatry was the rule. But by 1990 things had changed. The Masters of Psychology program, which prepares one to become a therapist, had evolved to include many different skills from many theoretical approaches, approaches including including Family Systems. I eagerly anticipated joining a profession in which healing was a shared endeavor between client and professional. I loved seeing the interactive process unfold where guided self-discovery and problem solving was the rule – not the exception. As a therapist I could be a catalyst to create awareness of patterns and interpersonal dynamics, to create opportunities for clients to celebrate diversity, to understand gender differences and family individual temperaments. As a Family therapist Therapist I learned to help individuals, couples, and entire families identify and then build on their strengths, try out new skills, grow stronger in self-confidence and build effective family systems. 21st Century Therapy
There is no “right” kind of therapy. At FamilyWorks we offer opportunities to utilize a variety of modalities, sand-tray, art, movement, and more. Therapy is not a “one size fits all” endeavor. Individuals learn and grow in their own unique fashion and it is the professional therapists’ job to discover what works best for each client, to discover the client’s own series of connections, ecology, and sustainability. At APPLE FamilyWorks, we believe that counseling and psychotherapy should not be a mystery. Our therapists work with clients to achieve the client’s goals, to educate and encourage, and to enhance clients’ lives. We encourage you to ask your therapist to describe or define core terminology or diagnostic language that may interest you, and to explore ideas about how people grow and thrive. Modern therapy is an active process. It is engaging and it is liberating. What better way to grow a healthy family than to invest in body/mind health? January & February, 2011
The Year of
No Regrets
By Dottie DeHart
We all have regrets. And we all wish that we could erase them. Well, say Andrea and David Reiser, you can’t change the past—but you can shape the future so that your life reflects what’s really important to you from now on. (Can you think of a better New Year’s resolution than that?)
January & February, 2011
Have you ever noticed that we Americans have a tendency to put things off? Sure, you have goals, desires, and good intentions. You want to pay off the mortgage, spend some quality time with Grandma while the chance is still there, and find a job that’s actually fulfilling, to name a few. The thing is, you keep putting it all off, waiting on a “someday” that never comes. Meanwhile, the humdrum years keep rolling by—and suddenly you realize you’re at the end of your life, left with a bevy of regrets. It’s a dismal fate for sure—one from which Andrea Reiser, 44, was rescued by the unlikeliest of saviors: the discovery of her BRCA-1 (breast cancer) gene. Having lost her mother to the devastating disease and seen her sister undergo treatments to remove a (thankfully) microscopic tumor, Reiser made the courageous decision to undergo a prophylactic mastectomy in 2007—which changed her family’s lives forever. As she emerged from her surgery, Reiser says, she could practically see the headline “Life Is Short—Choose to Live the Life You Want” flashing before her in bright lights. “I had long measured opportunity using the ‘regret factor’—as in, ‘If I pass up this opportunity, will I regret it?’ recalls Reiser, who, along with her husband, David, is co-author of the new book Letters From Home: A Wake-up Call for Success & Wealth (Wiley, 2010, familyworks.org
ISBN: 978-0-4706379-2-0, $27.95, www.ReiserMedia.com). “But after I awoke in the hospital after my mastectomy, I think I truly understood and appreciated just how short and precious life is—and also for the first time, I asked myself honestly if mine looked the way I really wanted it to.” Inspired by Andrea’s revelation, the entire Reiser family—Andrea, David, and their four school-age sons—relocated to a new community within three months: one that offered a variety of professional, social, cultural, and educational opportunities they had long wished for. And they haven’t looked back since. In fact, the many rewards they’ve reaped from taking this initial risk inspired Andrea and David to write Letters From Home. Written in the form of letters to the authors’ sons, it explores fifteen basic American virtues that built our country and that foster individual regret-less success. Each chapter includes profiles of exceptional “real people”— the authors’ wealth management clients, friends, and neighbors—who truly walk the walk. “People often don’t want to face it, but we’re all going to die someday,” David points out. “And the fact of the matter is, life is just too short for regrets.” It’s true—and you don’t have to wait for a big, life-changing moment to, well, change your life. You can decide to do
Thirteen Steps to a More Fulfilled Life it right now with tools that are already at your disposal—and the fresh New Year that’s just around the corner is the perfect clean slate to start on. Read on to discover thirteen things inspired by Letters From Home that you can do in the next year to truly live up to your potential. You’ll also encounter some excellent real-life examples of changed lives: Brush the Dust off of Your “Dirty Little Secret”
No, we’re not talking about skeletons in the closet—we’re talking about what you really want out of life. Often, we’re afraid to admit to our heart’s desires, dreams, and purposes because they aren’t “practical” or “safe.” It’s time to stop that kind of defeatist thinking. This year, take a step toward your heart’s desire. If you want to change careers, for example, enroll in a night class that will beef up the skill set you’ll need. If you want to move to a new place, take the plunge and put your house on the market. “Our friend Alysa Mendelson Graf is a perfect example of following your heart,” recounts Andrea. “She left a successful law career to become a rabbi—which, at the time, seemed crazy to a lot of people who knew her! You know what, though? She’s never been happier, and she’s changing the world to boot.”
Do Something that Makes You (not your mom or your husband or your best friend) Happy
Who’s happiest that your life looks the way it does? Hint: If it’s not you, something’s wrong. Often, our choices and circumstances are very heavily shaped by what (often well-meaning) friends, family, and coworkers want for us. No, you shouldn’t be living a selfish life that’s influenced only by your own needs and wants, but you do have the right to mental peace and fulfillment. “Take a good long look at your job, your hobbies, your priorities—even the way you dress and what you eat,” encourages David. “If the choice to go down one of these paths isn’t one you made yourself, it’s time to change course.” Put Five Things you Want to Do this Year on the Calendar
Take a good long look at your job, your hobbies, your priorities—even the way you dress and what you eat. If the choice to go down one of these paths isn’t one you made yourself, it’s time to change course.
It should take you about five seconds to think of five things you’d like to see happen in the next year. Whether that includes a trip to the mountains with your kids or accumulating twenty-five new clients, assign dates and deadlines. It’s a mistake to just let things “happen,” because they rarely do on their own. “Ever notice that ‘someday’ never comes?” asks Andrea. “That’s because there isn’t a date attached to it! Unless you proactively plan what you want to continued on page 8 familyworks.org
January & February, 2011
Make every dollar count. Starting now, figure out exactly what you have, where it’s going, and what you’d like for your finances to look like twelve months from now.
do and when you want to do it, you’ll lose a lot of time puttering around or floundering about in indecision. If you actively plan the life you want, you’ll be much more likely to live it.”
Figure Out What You’re Good At and Make it a Part of Your Life
So, you’re a whiz at organization…or gifted with the ability to write movingly…or able to make a garden bloom in the most blasted of soils. Now, are you utilizing those abilities on a daily basis? No? Then it’s time to start. Instead of shoring up your weaknesses or existing at the intersection of mediocre and mundane, dare to live in your strengths. “This year, strive to identify at least one thing you enjoy and are good at, and incorporate it into your life regularly,” urges David. “This might mean starting a new hobby, using a talent to voluntarily help others, putting out feelers for a new job, or even taking steps to start a small business of your own. Remember to measure your life using the ‘regret factor’—if you don’t do these things, will you regret it?” Work Hard at the Mundane Things
They’re paving the way to exciting things! The majority of the time, big goals aren’t achieved through one heroic effort or stroke of genius. They’re reached a little bit at a time through a series of very small victories. If you want to get from “here” to “there,” you need to understand that no task or responsibility is too small or insignificant not to deserve your full effort. If you neglect the little things, you’ll never gain enough ground to make the big things a reality—and you’ll always be left wanting more. “Take a look at your daily routines
January & February, 2011
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and run-of-the-mill tasks, and ask yourself if you’re really giving them all you’ve got,” suggests Andrea. “Our boys have learned what hard work looks like partially by watching Eli Zabar, who is a walking billboard for what a strong work ethic can accomplish. He has become an icon of the New York City gourmet food world through his proprietorship of numerous markets, restaurants, and other operations. What got him there, though, is the fact that he considers every job to be important—plus, no detail is ever beneath his notice.” The Next Time You Get Knocked Down— Whatever You Do— Don’t Stay There
Sometime in the next year, things aren’t going to go entirely your way (disappointment and failure happen to everyone!). Being human means that you can’t always stop bad things from happening; however, you can choose how you respond to them. The next time you face a disappointment or setback, ask yourself how you can best move forward from your current circumstances—then do it. “Sure, picking yourself back up is easier said than done…but again, will you regret wasting the time you spent feeling sorry for yourself?” David asks. “The answer is almost always ‘yes.’” This year, take a cue from New Yorker Patrick Ciriello and cultivate resiliency. Ciriello, whose story is told in Letters From Home, lost his commercial mortgage banking job and a large portion of his savings in the recent Great Recession, but he didn’t wallow in his misfortune. He streamlined his family’s finances, and when no new positions appeared on the horizon; he decided to blaze a new professional trail as a financial advisor.
Get Conscious of Where Your Money’s Going
Make every dollar count. Starting now, figure out exactly what you have, where it’s going, and what you’d like for your finances to look like twelve months from now. Once you’ve got those “basics” out of the way, plan a realistic budget and stick to it. “Remember, financial freedom looks different for everyone, but no one gets there without careful planning and disciplined spending,” reminds David. “I’ve certainly been inspired by our friends Amy and Howie Blustein. They constantly utilize self-restraint, prudent spending, and thoughtful goal setting to ensure their quality of life, now and in the future. It’s mighty impressive that they save their raises and pay their credit card bills in full each month!” Realize that “Balance” Doesn’t Refer Just to Your Checkbook
You’ve got a job, a family, friends, hobbies, a house to care for, and perhaps a place of worship to attend, to name just a few portions of your life. It’s essential to make sure that no one area is sapping your time and energy, to the detriment of the others. Write down what the major components of your own life are, and (hearkening back to an earlier piece of advice), look at your calendar, and figure out how each is going to fit into your days, weeks, and months. In their book, the Reisers point to San Franciscan Stefani Phipps as a prime example of someone who has figured out how to balance her obligations and interests. She has created two very different selves: “Work Stefani” (a highly successful banker) and “Life Stefani” (a woman who plays the harp, dances, has been to culinary school, and travels often). What’s more, Stefani has woven Work Stefani and Life Stefani together into one unique and fulfilled individual.
“You can do the same,” insists Andrea. Learn Something New
The fact that you have a diploma doesn’t mean you know it all. In fact, a key part of growing as a human being is constantly acquiring new pieces of information, new skills, new ideas, and new experiences. This will keep your curiosity piqued, your appetite whetted, and your horizons expanded—all of which keep you from stagnating or backsliding. “Depending on your interests and preferences, come up with a ‘syllabus’ for yourself,” suggests Andrea. “For example, resolve to read one new book a month. When you hear an interesting news story, find a co-worker or friend to discuss it with. Sign up for a new kind of exercise class at the gym. Choose a new place to visit, far or near. The possibilities for growth are endless!” Replace Your Two Hours of Evening TV with Something Productive
What a radical notion, right? Give it a try, though, and at the end of twelve months, you’ll be glad you did. Whether you commit to keeping the screen blank a couple evenings a week or every day, you’ll find that you’ve found the extra time you didn’t think you had. “When you nix a television show or two that—let’s face it—you didn’t care that much about anyway, you realize that there’s no excuse for not cleaning out the garage, volunteering in your community, or taking the kids to the park for some fresh air,” points out David.
To get started, focus on the blessings in your life. Think about the people you truly love and value, and write them letters telling them what they mean to you.
Start Speaking Up
Whether you feel badly about not expressing well-deserved gratitude, say, or wish you’d found the guts to stand up for yourself to the workplace bully, continued on page 10 familyworks.org
January & February, 2011
No Regrets continued from page 9 chances are you know what it feels like to want a communication do-over. Very often, our regrets center on not saying what we need or want to say in our relation ships with others. This year, promise yourself that you’ll nip the “wish I’d said” in the bud. “To get started, focus on the blessings in your life,” suggests Andrea. “Think about the people you truly love and value, and write them letters telling them what they mean to you. They, as well as you, will be uplifted and inspired. Then, move on to the conversations that you haven’t been looking forward to. It won’t be as pleasant, but you’ll be glad you discussed with your coworker how his procrastination negatively affects your own work, for example, or told your friend how her backhanded compliments hurt you.”
obstacle—so learn from the experiences and advice of those who have been there before.” “When we look at the people in our own lives—family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances—who live fulfilled lives, we’re able to identify most of these habits and traits in all of them,” conclude the Reisers. “No, there’s no way to guarantee a successful, happy life—but you can create a best-odds scenario! This year, commit to making your life one that you really enjoy living. After all, life’s too short not to.” The Reisers practice what they preach. They are proud to contribute 100 percent of royalties and other income from the publication of the book by supporting three personally meaningful charities in the following proportion: 50 percent to Share Our Strength (www.strength.org), 40 percent to Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (www. mskcc.org), and 10 percent to FORCE (www.facingourrisk.org).
Find a Way to Give Back
It doesn’t matter how much money you make, what your job title is, or how many square feet are in your house. By themselves, those things a happy life does not make. You’ve also got to acknowledge and appreciate your blessings, and use them to give back to others. Believe it or not, the purest and most lasting joy you’re likely to experience will come from helping someone other than yourself. “This year, find a way to consistently add positive value to an individual, group, or community,” David advises. “You might forgo one or two nights out a month and donate the money you would have spent to a charity you feel strongly about, for example. And for a milestone birthday or anniversary, suggest to friends who wish to honor the occasion that they make a donation to a favorite charity instead of giving you a gift. Also, remember that your time and talents are just as valuable as money and can be donated in countless ways: Deliver a meal to a neighbor who’s just undergone surgery. Spend two hours tutoring underprivileged children. Or accompany your child’s class on a field trip as a chaperone. ”
• Tech Support, Installation & Design • Home Theatre / Media Center Installation • Training & Instructional Materials Marintellect listens to your needs, makes sense out of all the techno mumbo-jumbo and provides you with a down-to-earth proposal that will be easy to understand.
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Get Rid of Something That’s Weighing You Down
You know that bad habit that constantly nags at you? This is the year to kick it. Whether your sticking point is smoking, gossiping, treating your spouse disrespectfully, splurging whenever you have a tough day, sneaking a stack of Oreos late at night, or something else entirely, figure out how you can leave it behind once and for all. “If willpower isn’t enough—and with ingrained habits, it often isn’t—proactively seek out a friend who can provide accountability and support,” Andrea offers. “Also, dig around for books or websites that offer strategies on reaching your goal. Chances are strong that you’re not the first to face a particular 10 January & February, 2011
Precision Landscaping
Precision and Detail
Going Above and Beyond
• Monthly Maintenance • Tree Work • Rough Cuts • System Checks & Repair • Fencing • Design • Hauling
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Parenting Programs Child-Centered Co-Parenting
Positive
& Peaceful
Parenting Learn Keys to Increasing: • Cooperation • Self-esteem • Responsibilty • Communication • Respect • Discipline
Exploring Free! Motherhood For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to 9 months). Spanish speaking group: Tuesdays, 10 a.m. to noon and English speaking goup Fridays from 10 a.m. until noon at Marin Community Clinic in Novato. Spanish speaking group Thursdays 10 AM to Noon at Marin Community Clinic in San Rafael. • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress • Reduce anxiety and depression
Viewing Life Today • Being a Proactive Parent • Identifying Your Universal Principles Growing Great Kids • Understanding How Kids Work • Ensuring Goodness of Fit • Making Work Fun Listening and Talking • Listening Effectively • Decreasing Impulsive Behavior Problem Solving that Gets Results • Using the Magical “When...Then” • Designing Charts that Get Results • Revamping “Time Out” Feeling More Confident • Being Positive and Persistent • Sharing Successes • Setting Positive Consequences
Parents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Deal with each other respectfully • Increase cooperation • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • Manage constantly shifting schedules • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Design consequences that work • End rudeness & backtalk Seven Tuesday evenings: Jan. 11 - Feb. 22, 2011 Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.
Four Tuesday evenings: Jan. 11 - Feb. 1, 2011 Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.
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415-492-0720 January & February, 2011
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Therapy Programs Therapy with Children With a wide variety of child-centered expressive arts, includingspecialized sand-tray materials, children bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface allowing the child to build self-esteem and enhance emotional regulation.
Individual Family Therapy and Couples Counseling Concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through: • Managing Child Behavior • Resolving Hurts and Conflicts • Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Addictions • Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play • Managing Anger • Creating Cooperative Responsible Children
Therapy with Teens APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood. Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.
Utilizing a variety of theoretical approaches, APPLE FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including: • Life Stage Transitions • Anxiety • Abuse • Depression • Anger & Conflict • Improved Self-Esteem • Grief & Loss • Stress
Assessment
Using temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential. Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available. Adjustable Fees
familyworks.org 12 January & February, 2011
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415-492-0720
Therapy and Life Skills Center Family Interactive Therapy
F. I.T Services: When Family members want to improve communication and learn problem solving skills, Family Interactive Therapy at FamilyWorks, offers a unique program. Initially the parents share concerns with their therapist, followed by an opportunity for the entire family to set and meet their goals. Then, individual family members may be interviewed. An action plan is designed to meet the needs of each individual and the entire family.
Family Meeting
Individual Counseling Families may choose to benefit from the one way mirror option, in which child development assessments are made and family members can practice the skills they are learning with the assistance of an APPLE FamilyWorks therapist. Parents may receive guidance through an ear bud as the therapist observes interactions through the one-way mirror.
One-way Mirror Option
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415-492-0720 January & February, 2011
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities Parenting Support Services • Parenting and Co-Parenting • Childbirth Education • Child Development and Family Planning • Behavior Management and Stress Reduction • Early Intervention in Postpartum Depression • Positive and Peaceful Discipline
• Injury Prevention, Nutrition, and Exercise • Household Management, and Transportation • Financial Management and Budgeting • Development of Social Support Systems • Linkage with Others Services
• Family Health Promotion and Hygiene
Independent Living Skills • Academic Growth
• Hygiene and Self-care
• Behavior Management
• Housekeeping
• Stress Reduction Skills
• Transportation Skills
• Injury Prevention
• Community Access
• Nutrition
• Employment Readiness
• Health Promotion and Exercise
• Financial Management and Budgeting
• Development of Social Support Systems
CPR & First Aid Classes Saturday, January 22, 2011 CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PM First Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM
Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have
familyworks.org 14 January & February, 2011
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hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.
415-492-0720
APPLE FamilyWorks Holiday Toy Drive a Success With help from the Salvation Army, The San Francisco Fire Department and the students at Vallecito School, 145 children received holiday cheer this past December. TheVallecito students made and filled stockings for each child.
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January & February, 2011
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Many parents strive to have happy kids. In their efforts, they are loathe to see their children upset and seem to do anything to allay the child’s consternation. So, what child wants, child gets. What child doesn’t want, child doesn’t have to do. There is a belief by these parents that their children will be naturally appreciative and hence will behave inordinately well. However, when their children do not behave as hoped or expected, the parents will admonish the child, advising of how well the child has it and hence should act more reasonably. Typically, the child shrugs off the lecture and the parent feels more beholding to the child for upset caused by reasonable expectation and the parent winds up seeking to undo the child’s distress by giving in to the greater demands of the child. A vicious cycle ensues and eventually the child acts with a tremendous sense of entitlement, is out of control and increasingly is doing less and less in terms of reasonable expectations such as helping around the house or taking care of school work. The child does what he or she wants and literally nothing else. The parent feels impotent – helpless to do anything about the situation. In truth, in the pursuit of their child’s happiness, parents forget to hold their child accountable to reasonable expectations. (P.C.) Rather than being concerned by the child’s objections to reasonable expectations, the parents need to concentrate on helping the child learn to tolerate frustration and learn to delay gratification and most important, learn to be responsible. Parents must understand that they cannot purchase their 16 January & February, 2011
By Gary Direnfeld
child’s happiness, nor can or should they spare them from feelings of frustration. A child’s frustration is the life lesson that they cannot get everything they want as they want it. Some things they may never have and other things they may have to plan for. Learning these lessons, the child learns that life does not revolve around just themselves, but around others as well. Thus, they learn to cooperate and get along with others in the pursuit of needs and wants. Further, the child learns that he or she cannot escape responsibilities and that the managing of responsibilities is tied to life’s rewards. If you really want your child to grow up happy, the best thing a parent can do is concentrate on supporting their child to act responsibly. As your child is responsible in behavior and responsible in taking care of chores, schoolwork and activities, then the child develops skills and learns how to cope in the world. Further, this child stays out of trouble, cooperates with others, and completes tasks in a timely fashion. This child gets to reap the rewards of their responsible behavior. They learn to cope with frustration and plan for things or events of interest. They also learn to cope with not obtaining everything they
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may want or desire. If your child learns this kind of responsibility, then your child can be truly happy. This is the kind of happiness that comes from cooperation with others, intact relationships, and earning life rewards by one’s reasonable actions. So, don’t focus on your child’s happiness. Focus on helping your child become responsible and happiness will be the outcome. Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations Several APPLE FamilyWorks therapist are certified Triple P (Positive Parenting Program), parenting educators. They are available to work with parents to enhance their parenting skills, leading to cooperative and responsible children. 415-492-0720.
Parents must understand that they cannot purchase their child’s happiness, nor can or should they spare them from feelings of frustration. A child’s frustration is the life lesson that they cannot get everything they want as they want it.
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January & February, 2011
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School Spotlight Marin Country Day School 5221 Paradise Drive Corte Madera, CA 94925 (415) 927-5900 Lucinda Lee Katz Head of School
Fall in love with going to school
18 January & February, 2011
In 1956, an adventurous group of parents and educators from Marin County and San Francisco joined together to found Marin Country Day School. They believed that learning is a joyous and lifelong process and that each child’s unique gifts should be nurtured. They valued equally the development of mind, body, and spirit, and believed that members of a diverse school community could contribute immeasurably to the well-being of one another. The founders sought an environment that drew no attention to itself, but was closely linked to nature; one that allowed room for study and laughter, noise and quiet, thought and action; where children would “fall in love with going to school.” School opened at the Bothin Youth Center in Fairfax in September 1956 with 70 students and 11 teachers. Funds were scarce but determination was abundant, beginning the longstanding tradition of MCDS parents pitching in where needed. The Paradise Drive property was located and, that spring, MCDS received an anonymous donation which enabled its purchase. When it became clear in late summer that temporary buildings wouldn’t arrive in time, school opened in five circus tents, with construction pallets for walkways and Davis Rents for plumbing. Fifty-four years later, the student body has grown to 560 with about 130 employees, and the school has just completed an extensive campus renovation. Curriculum has evolved and been fine-tuned, many of the early traditions remain and some
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new ones have been invented – but what hasn’t changed is the hard-to-define MCDS spirit, the willingness to take on new challenges, and the careful attention to community. A hallmark of the school from its inception has been a blending of traditional and progressive educational models, coupled with an outstanding faculty who constantly examine their practice to identify areas in which they can grow. MCDS is an adult-rich environment in which differences among children are valued; teachers serve as role models and work to support both personal and academic development. The academic program is rigorous yet broad and balanced with athletics, music, art and outdoor education. The school seeks to provide a safe environment in which to strive and to soar. Teachers work collaboratively in developing an active program that encourages students to question, to reason and to make connections. The classroom atmosphere is highly participatory, with teachers acting as coaches who encourage students’ exploration, discovery and reflection. The school believes that every student should have unusual opportunities to grow and thrive in and out of the classroom, and that girls and boys have much to learn from each other. Strong and enduring friendships are a tradition at MCDS. All students are encouraged to participate actively in every area of school life. Inherent in the school’s ambitious mission is the challenge to help students become skilled learners – young people who possess not only a strong background in skill and knowledge, but also the ability to think in a variety of ways and to apply their skills confidently in a rapidly changing future. Similarly, the school seeks to support its students by incorporating the core values of respect, responsibility, and compassion in their daily lives. MCDS hopes its graduates will understand and embrace the unusual opportunity and capacity they have to work toward a better world. The 35-acre campus is bordered by
A hallmark of the school from its inception has been a blending of traditional and progressive educational models, coupled with an outstanding faculty who constantly examine their practice to identify areas in which they can grow.
San Francisco Bay and a large nature preserve. The open and beautiful space gives children a chance to experience the environment as both an inspiring classroom and an expansive place to explore and play. MCDS enjoys a tradition as a participatory place. Parents continue the legacy of the founders in working to familyworks.org
make the school even stronger for their own children and for those who will follow. Perhaps the school’s most enduring characteristic is its vibrant spirit – of families, teachers and staff engaged in working together to make MCDS a place where children still fall in love with going to school.
January & February, 2011
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Family Dental Care
John T. Smith, DDS 915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo (Across from Red Hill Shopping Center)
415-453-1666
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(415) 492-0720 familyworks.org
January & February, 2011
21
Dollar Snacks In May, 2007, shortly before we left for a year-long trip around the world, our three children—Joe (13), Tommy (9), and Cami (7)—cleaned out their savings accounts and put all the money onto pre-loaded debit cards for the purpose of buying gifts and souvenirs along the way. By David Boesch
22 January & February, 2011
As we towed our camper from Arizona to Vermont whenever we stopped for gas, the kids descended like vultures into the convenience store. They would look up and down the snack isle and study each item individually. After what seemed like half an hour, they would return to the van to feast on Pringles, Sno Caps or Flaming Hot Cheetos. My wife, Jill, and I figured the children would tire of this after a few days, but it only got worse. The seatback pockets were sticky from Slurpee cups, M & M’s accumulated between the seat cushions, and the floor crunched with each step. One day, Tommy picked out a large bag of Bugles, Joe was considering a “Moon Pie,” and Cami moved from pintsized to quart-sized Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. We had to do something. First we tried logic: “If you spend all your money at the Quickie Mart here in Iowa, you won’t have any money left to buy sou-
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venirs when we get to Africa.” Surely they would understand the importance of delayed gratification. This sound logic was met by a blank look that every parent knows well. Being Catholic, we tried guilt. “You are spending money given to you on Jesus’ birthday. He died for your sins, and I don’t think he would want you to be buying junk food. Furthermore, there are people starving all over the world while you are overeating.” This was met by more empty stares followed by, “Dad, please move. You’re standing in front of the gummy bears.” Drastic action was needed. My wife and I came up with the idea of a “dollar snack.” The rules were clear and simple: Each child was entitled to one snack per day as long as it was under a dollar and less than three hundred calories. Furthermore, we would buy the snack for them, and if they didn’t want a snack they could simply save the dollar to use on a non-food purchase. This approach would keep the children from eating too much junk food, which was our goal. The kids liked the idea, because they were sure to have a daily treat, and without spending their own money. Having solved this problem in
such a wise manner, we congratulated each other on our sublime parenting skills and slept the sleep of the innocent that night in the camper. It was a winwin solution. What could possibly go wrong? The following morning we stopped for gas. Jill and I were standing at the cash register when Tommy approached us carrying a big cellophane bag: “These pork rinds are on sale for a ninety cents but they are over three hundred calories, they are actually seven hundred. So can I eat 2/5 today, 2/5 tomorrow, and 1/5 the next day—and then take my dollar for the next two days?” Jill, who had been teaching math to Tommy, said, “Sure, no problem. By the way, good use of fractions.” I said, “Wait a minute. That’s a violation of the spirit in which the rules were made. Put them back and get something else.” Joe approached us next: “What about tax?” “What do you mean?” I replied. “Well, these cream-filled raspberry Zingers are a dollar, but tax will bring them up to $1.06.” Jill said, “Sure, no problem.” But I said, “No way, it’s a dollar total.” And Joe stormed off to join Tommy back in the van. Our generosity, it seemed, was not appreciated. Once we left the country our kids became currency conversion experts, quickly learning how much local currency they were allowed to spend on their dollar snacks: 6000 shilling snacks (Tanzania), 111 new Turkish lira snacks (Turkey), 40 rupee snacks (India), and 30 baht snacks (Thailand). The tax issue disappeared because every other country includes sales tax in the purchase price, but attempts at rule bending continued; Cami would select a food with marginal nutritional value, and, while giving me a hug and batting her big blue eyes, she would make the case that “chocolate milk shouldn’t count for
my dollar snack because it has lots of protein in it and that’s good for you.” Tommy tried eating all but a bite of a chocolate bar before announcing, “I hate this”, and asked if he could get a different one. We didn’t cross the International Dateline until April, but Joe began negotiating for an extra dollar snack three months earlier. (Jill and I gave in on that one.) Now that we have been home for two years, whenever we leave town the kids always remind us to stop for dollar snacks while pining for our days in Argentina, where four pesos bought the most delicious treats on earth. David Boesch is the author of a new touching and humorous new memoir, Pins on a Map: A Family’s Yearlong Journey Around the World, which follows this families year-long adventure around the world filled with laughter, unforgettable moments, surprising discoveries, and a priceless education for their children. Starting with the family’s careful preparations, the book follows
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their visits to nearly every continent on earth, from the first three memorable months spent in a travel trailer discovering hidden treasures across the US, to their sojourn through Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia and South America. For more information about the author, please visit www.pinsonamap.com or www.boeschfamilytravels.com. Pins On A Map: A Family’s Yearlong Journey Around the World can be purchased on the author’s site, www.borders.com or www.barnesandnoble.com. Ed. note. While few families can travel the world, as Author David Boesch’s family did, the age old struggle between parents and children and short term gratification versus common sense is familiar to us all.
January & February, 2011
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From the Good Earth Kitchen
Holiday Menu Our Kitchen is Offering Three Thanksgiving Dinners and Four Yummy Pies! Organic Turkey Dinner Hand-sliced Turkey Brest Turkey Grravy Sage Stuffing Mashed Potatoes
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