Fall 2011
Fall 2011
4
Too Much Togetherness?
By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith MA, RN, MFT
16 Celebrate the Holiday Season
3 Helping Kids Cope with Loss
During the Holidays
By Pat Saunders, MA, MFT
18 Wet No More
7 Separated Parents and
2011 Great Dickens Fair
Mutual Antagonism
by Renee Mercer, RN, PNP
22 School Directory
By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
8 Delicious Foods Organic and Affordable
By Sheila McNulty
APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs 12 FamilyWorks Interactive Therapy 13 Therapy Services 14 Developmental Disabilities Services
Read us on-line at familyworks.org/magazine
FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Editor: Lew Tremaine Marketing: Doug Silberstein Art Director/Website: James Wright Web Publisher: Art Severe Printed by:
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FamilyWorks® Board of Directors: Anjana Berde, President Paul Ricken, Vice President Mark Clark, Secretary Maria Villani, Treasurer Blake Pennington Vicky Smirnoff Rita Trumbo
2 Fall 2011
APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information: Doug Silberstein Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: community@familyworks.org Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org
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By Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT Patricia Saunders is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in families, parenting, and co-parenting. She is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks.
Helping Kids Cope With Loss During the Holidays
“’Tis the season to be jolly”…or is that an expectation that doesn’t match the realities for your family? This has been a tough year for many. Some families have experienced losses that make it difficult to feel the excitement of the holiday season. Perhaps there has been the passing of a loved one or a beloved pet. Maybe a family member lost a job or their home to unmanageable mortgages. And, under the burden of these losses, some marriages may have broken down. The impact of these losses meant change that was difficult, leaving feelings of joy out of reach.
W
hile adults may readily recognize and expect to experience grief, it is important to be on the alert for signs of grief in your children. Mistakenly, some people assuming children are too young to experience the “complicated” feelings of grief. In reality, children and adolescents feel things every bit as deeply as adults and need care and sup-
port to navigate their way through the experience of loss. They may, however, show their grief in different ways.
How Children May React to Loss:
d
Acting out is a way of externally expressing feelings like anger and guilt is actually an attempt to manage the painful situation that the child cannot change or control. Be on the alert for violent play or dangerous risk-taking/ destructive behaviors.
d
Confusion and inability to concentrate making it difficult for the child to focus and accomplish his/her schoolwork.
d
Regressing may have a child asking to sleep in the parent’s
Remember that grief is a process, not an event. Allow the child to grieve in the time and way that works best for him/her.
continued on page 6 familyworks.org
Fall 2011
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Too Much Togetherness? By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is the founding executive director of APPLE FamilyWorks.
I love friends. I love family. I love my spouse, children, and grandchildren. I am grateful to have so many people in my life and I look forward to all our gatherings. All that said, sometimes I just want to be with my husband, a friend, or, heaven forbid, alone. But I sometimes notice feelings of guilt creeping in at those times when I need “alone-time” Over the years, working as a therapist with individuals, couples and families, I have found that I am not alone in feeling guilty. In fact, I have found that a lack of taking alone-time is a root cause of a great deal of tension and misunderstanding in many families, particularly if you are the one who wants alone time and the other person, or group, wants you to join them. How is it that in a world that values individual choice, that so many of us face this dilemma?
IT’S THE HOLIDAY SEASON: HALLOWEEN, THANKSGIVING, HANukkah, KWANZA, CHRISTMAS. WHO CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN? COULDN’T WE HAVE SPREAD OUT THE TOGETHER TIME JUST A LITTLE BETTER? Time for oneself, is even more elusive when the holidays arrive and family from around the planet come to be with you. I have found that, when we are fac4 Fall 2011
ing a lot of “together- time”, it is very helpful to ask ourselves these questions: How much time do I want to myself? How much time do I want within any group – with friends of the same gender, the opposite gender? How much time do I really want to spend with one individual? – How much togetherness is too much?
We may have a poor diet or use alcohol and other drugs to “fix” our malaise. Our heart speaks with skipped beats, high blood pressure, and heaviness in our chest. Our mind goes into primitive “dinosaur brain” mode to seek reasons why we feel trapped, anxious, unfulfilled, frustrated, sad*, annoyed, angry, and hopeless. (* Please note that prolonged feelings of sadness and hopelessness can indicate clinical depression and should be addressed by a professional.)
Societal Expectations
Should/Ought Traps
As we grow up, it is a natural part of our socialization to want to “fit in” to societal norms. As a result, we tend to overlook or neglect what feels right and good for ourselves. It’s not that we don’t have some thoughts and feelings on the subject -- it’s just that we are more likely to make our choices based on what we liked and didn’t like in our family, group, or culture of origin and be guided by what we have been led to believe we “should want” or “should do”.
Messages from our Body
In the long run, if we ignore our own needs, our body will send us signals of distress: Our stomach, head, and muscles ache. Our immune system is compromised by cortisol and norepinephrine coursing through our bodies. familyworks.org
When we too often ignore our own needs for those of others, we might project our angry feelings outward on others or blame ourselves as being fundamentally flawed, selfish, demanding, and uncaring. “He/she never...”
Remember the lack of interest in complying and cooperating? During these times, when our needs and those of our partner, family or friends don’t mesh, our building annoyance at being disrespected spills over onto our partner.
Duck Dependency Disasters
“He/she always ... “ “I can’t...” “He/she won’t let me... “ “No matter what I do it is never enough.” When we are caught in “dinosaur brain,” should/ought traps miss the big picture and often cause us to repeat the same behaviors that are creating our sense of doom. Are there any should/ought traps below that are familiar to you or your family of origin? • If he/she cared about me he/she wouldn’t be away.
• I should wand to be with friends and family.
• A loving parent should focus all his/her time on family.
• Devoted partners should enjoy working side by side all day and evening.
• If he/she really loved me he/she would help me work out my problems.
• If someone really cares about me, he/she should know what I need.
• At night, I should easily shift from my work role as an authority to an equal role with my partner, room mate, or spouse. • I shouldn’t be selfish and take a full day to myself.
Varying Needs
It is often hard to understand why someone so close to us may want and need something so very different, but it is more common than you may realize. Some people thrive on being in the company of several other people. They love group activities, and have little need for one-on-one time with another person, or time by themselves. Others find it draining to be in a group for more than an hour or two. They prefer one-to-one conversations, or they may prefer solo time most of all. What is important to know is that these differences don’t indicate a poor match between partners, friends, and/or family. These differences just indicate different relational styles.
Duck Dependency Acknowledge Relationship’s “Threes” and “Teens”
Early on in relationships, pleasing the other person comes naturally. We adapt to the dependent nurturing needs of the other. We compromise. Every relationship has its “teens” times in which independence and personal power are core issues. Think back to when you or your children were teens and their demands for independence.
The key to healthy relationships is a balance between dependence and independence in the relationship, so that healthy interdependence (sharing, collaborating, compromising) is possible. When it is clear that you need more respect for your independent thoughts, feelings and actions, here are some tips to duck dependency disasters: • Assure your loved ones Clarify that your desire for more independence does not indicate that you fail to care about the other person. Help him/her to understand that, when people take renewal time, everyone feels more “whole” and time together will be enriched.
• Avoid Should/Ought Traps For your own sake, write down in positive language your thoughts/beliefs that counter the thought traps. Have an open discussion about the traps, allowing each person to thoroughly share their viewpoint before the other takes their turn. Know that you will not necessarily be in agreement, and that this is fine. Neither agree nor disagree with the other’s thoughts. The reason for your tension often resides in trying to suppress or eliminate these differences. • Dare to Dream Have each person answer a series of questions about how he/she would spend time outside the relationship or family and write down the answers. Begin with a large chunk of time and then jot down your dreams for successively less time alone (one month, 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week, 3 days, 1 day, 4 hours). Then ask the same time frame continued on page 21
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Fall 2011
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Helping Kids Cope with Loss continued from page 3
bed, wanting to be held more, or having trouble with tasks that, before the loss, they could handle easily.
d
Deep feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, while common and expected, need monitoring to rule out and manage the possible development of depression. Be on the alert for threats to hurt themselves or others.
d
Shock can sometimes look like a lack of feelings, but the feelings are there. It is often a way to avoid the overwhelming pain. Be on the alert for total withdrawal from people.
dAsking a lot of questions, or the
same questions repeatedly, is an attempt to integrate a situation that is almost impossible for the child to believe or accept.
dExperiencing physical symptoms
such as, eating a lot or too little, inability to sleep, or sleeping more, nightmares, tummy aches, or urine/bowel accidents are common. If worrisome behavior lasts for a prolonged period, seek professional advice.
Helping a Child Suffering a Loss:
dBe honest with your children:
Children are smart and sensitive to what goes on around them, so being honest with them will help them through their transition. Keep information at a level that the child can understand. Let them guide you about what clarifications or additional information they need. Remember, each child is different and his/her view of the world is unique.
6 Fall 2011
d Encourage
their questions: Be respectful and willing to help the child find the answers to their questions. Give them the opportunity to tell you how they experience what has happened–be a good listener. Read stories to children and allow them to project their feelings onto the characters -- this opens up a dialogue that is important to their process. Play can be very helpful – clay, drawing, or imaginary play allows the child to make the feelings more real.
d Allow adequate time for grief:
Remember that grief is a process, not an event. Allow the child to grieve in the time and way that works best for him/her. Give them the time, space, and encouragement to share their feelings with you. The greater the extent of the loss a child or adolescent suffers, the harder it may be to process and recover. It can be exhausting for parents, especially when they are managing their own grief. Engage the help of extended family in establishing multiple support options for the child – and for you.
d Stay loving and playful:
No matter what kinds of loss, hugs and kisses can ease the pain (honor what kind of touch the child wants and honor their boundaries). Remember to make some time to “clown” around; laughing releases good endorphins.
d Take care of your own need
to grieve: You’ve heard it before whenever you take an airplane trip: Put your oxygen mask on first and then put it on the child. Adults will be far more able to help children work through their grief if they get help themselves. familyworks.org
Things You Can Do To Help with Loss Through the Holiday Season Loss of a Loved One or a Pet
Keep a picture on the mantel or in the family room and decorate the frame for the season. Create an altar decorated for the season that honors the loved one/pet.
Loss of Finances
Create “homemade” gifts for friends and family – perhaps baked goodies or works of art. Create coupons of “service’ that the child can do for others – doing dishes, mowing the lawn, running errands for family members, etc.
Loss of a Home and Contact with Neighbors/School Friends
Take some of the homemade goodies to the old neighbors and friends. Make and send seasonal cards with your child and write personal notes in each. Get a group together and go around the old neighborhood singing carols.
Loss of a Marriage
Whenever possible, keep in contact with the extended family and allow the child access to the other parent and grandparents.
BY
EL D, LCS W
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SEPARATED PARENTS AND MUTUAL ANTAGONISM
A child, unsatisfied with RE the other I parent’s dinner meal, Y D complains of being starved. Next, R GA
C h i ldren of these parents go back and forth between them. They are the emissaries. They provide the fodder for parental complaints. Their secret mission is to keep the parental relationship alive and even though in conflict, parental conflict still signals a parental connection. As these children inform each parent of the goings on with the other, neither parent is apt to redirect them from delivering their messages. Thus both parents can claim that the messages are non-solicited and certainly not coerced. Being children, and particularly when young, the messages are distorted and reflect a child’s perspective. However, the parents take the messages as gospel and the child’s perception as clear and accurate statements of fact.
unsatisfied with the bedtime, a child complains of cruel punishment, being sent to bed early. Sometimes innocuously, a child merely comments or muses about the behavior of a parent’s new partner and the other parent is racked with fear about the goings on of the other. Mountains are made of molehills. Sinister plots and outcomes are seen in every instance and one parent cannot resist intervening on the other for the sake of the child. The intruded upon parent however, seeks privacy and certainly denies any and all allegations. The fight is on and while the parental connection is kept alive, the children are subject to anger, hostility, and conflict. Making matters worse is when one parent leads his or her life with a sense of entitlement. Not only is what I am doing fine, but I am entitled to parent as I see fit and I am certainly entitled to be happy, date, develop new relationships, expose my kids to my new relationships, and enjoy the company of new companions by day and by night. So, on the one hand we have a parent who is self-centered and on the other hand, a parent who cannot resist taking the bait and escalating matters. The dynamic is toxic and as familyworks.org
one antagonizes the other, they escalate their respective behaviors and the child lives on a diet of acrimony. The challenge from a therapeutic point of view is to get both parents to disengage, to leave each other alone, recognizing it is the antagonism that drives them both and that is the truly toxic part to the child. While parents may concern continued on page 21
Fall 2011
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Delicious Foods Organic & Affordable By Sheila McNulty
Would you like to know how to stretch your food dollars and become organically frugal? With some planning and careful shopping, buying organic food can fit in a modest household budget. Begin by making a list of all the staples you do have and look through your cookbooks, or go online. To help you with meal planning, check your favorite resources for recipes. Once you know what food is in your kitchen and have an idea of what you’re shopping for, here’s how to buy organic foods on a family budget: 8 Fall 2011
1. Eat in Season Organic produce bought in season is priced lower, travels a shorter distance, and tastes better.
2. Cook at Home It’s less expensive than going out to eat. If you have children, think of allowing each child to be the family chef once a week. Take her/him shopping for organic ingredients, watch them cook, and enjoy being served. It’s fun, saves money, and helps kids build great life skills, too!
3. Buy in Bulk Buying organic in bulk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re purchasing in huge quantities. On the contrary, you can buy as little or as much as you need. Getting just the right amount reduces waste, thus reduces expense. Plus, bulk is more affordable and uses less packaging. Tip: reuse your empty glass pasta jars and fill with bulk organic oatmeal and organic raisins to make your kids an affordable, wholesome breakfast.
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4. Check Out Good Earth’s Re-pack Section
5. Make Animal Protein the Side Dish
We buy in large quantities from our suppliers and re-pack in smaller sizes to pass the savings along to you. Dried organic mangos are a kid favorite!
Serve pasture-raised, grass-fed meats, organic poultry, and sustainable seafood in smaller amounts with a larger portion of organic vegetables and organic grains. It’s more sustainable for the environment and your budget.
6. Check Monthly Sales Sheet Stock up on non-perishable organic items which are on sale.
7. Comparison Shop Compare fresh, frozen, dried, and canned varieties of organic food for the best price.
8. Eat Leftovers
Revamp organic leftovers and try to use everything you cook. We hope these tips help and thank you for choosing to eat organic! Good Earth Natural Foods (currently located at 1966 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., Fairfax) will be opening its new store at 720 Center Blvd., Fairfax, in January. For information go to genatural.com; 415454-0123.
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• Songs • • Chants • • Movement • • Instrument Play-a-longs • • Mixed-age classes • (Infant - 4.5 years)
MUSIC TOGETHER OF MARIN® Mill Valley • Corte Madera San Anselmo • Ross • Tiburon San Rafael • Terra Linda Call Beth at 415.456.6630 www.musictogetherofmarin.com
Making a Difference At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.
www.bankofmarin.com
10 Fall 2011
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Member FDIC
Therapy and Life Skills Center ©
Positive & Peaceful Parenting Classes We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: • Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed • Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation • Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then” • Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements Four Tuesday evenings: Oct. 11 – Nov. 1, 7-9 pm Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
Exploring Motherhood Groups For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week from 10 to noon at a Marin Community Clinic NOVATO: Spanish speaking: Tuesdays; English speaking: Fridays SAN RAFAEL: Spanish speaking: Thursdays • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress • Reduce anxiety and depression
Child-Centered Co-Parenting Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details. Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Manage constantly shifting • Deal with each other respectfully schedules • Increase cooperation • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Design consequences that work • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • End rudeness & backtalk Seven Tuesday evenings: Oct. 11 – Nov. 23, 7-9 pm Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
familyworks.org (415) 492-0720 familyworks.org
Fall 2011
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Therapy and Life Skills Center FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT)
“I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand”
Ancient Proverb
FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals. FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/ or practice time-tested and effective skills.
You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, including state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions with audio-visual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change. You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home. *Therapists are FamilyWorks Positive and Peaceful Parenting© as well as Child-Centered CoParenting© practitioners. Triple P® materials are also available.
familyworks.org (415) 492-0720 12 Fall 2011
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Therapy and Life Skills Center APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect
• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce
• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence
Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.
Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional wellbeing, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development. Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.
familyworks.org (415) 492-0720 familyworks.org
Fall 2011
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities
Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline
• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems • Linkage with others services
Independent Living Skills • Academic growth
• Housekeeping
• Behavior management
• Transportation skills
• Stress Reduction skills
• Community access
• Injury prevention
• Employment readiness
• Nutrition
• Financial management and budgeting
• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care
• Development of social support Systems Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties
CPR & First Aid Classes Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011 CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PM First Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM
Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have
hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.
familyworks.org (415) 492-0720 14 Fall 2011
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Strengthen Families and Relationships In Our Community! Sponsor
(415) 492-0720 • community@familyworks.org
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Fall 2011
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Celebrate the Holiday Season at the 2011 Great Dickens Fair
A
s the bustling streets of London, immortalized for all time by the mighty pen of Charles Dickens, form the living backdrop of your excursion into Christmas Past, visitors become part of a Victorian Christmas card come to life!
A Bay Area tradition since 1970, the Great Dickens Christmas Fair returns to the San Francisco Cow Palace Exhibition Halls for four weekends in 2011 (including the Friday after Thanksgiving) from Friday, November 25 through Sunday, December 18, from 11am ‘til 7pm. Created by Novato’s Ron & Phyllis Patterson, the fair is now produced by Kevin & Leslie Patterson & Red Barn Productions, who continue the family tradition of theatrical excellence through authenticity, participation, and playfulness.
Entertainment At FEZZIWIG’S WAREHOUSE, young Scrooge’s employer, Mr. Fezziwig holds his holiday celebration, and all patrons are invited to join the Dance Party! Bangers & Mash provide lively ballroom and English country-dance music, with reels, jigs, polkas, and waltzes. You might even see young Ebenezer Scrooge dancing with his sweetheart. The Siamsa Scottish Dancers are there as well, with lilting Highland tunes and stirring steps, joined on occasion by visit-
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ing dance troupes sporting seasonal bells. When the bands pause for a well-earned rest, visitors can join in a lively round of “Wink” “Stagecoach,” or other Victorian parlour games. The grand VICTORIA & ALBERT BIJOU MUSIC HALL provides visitors with a wealth of entertainments from which to choose. Once a day, the stage is graced by a 60-minute adaptation of Gilbert & Sullivan’s hilarious satire on English society and manners, The Mikado or The Town of Titipu. Twice daily, astounding theatrical feats are presented in a classic Christmas Pantomime entitled Aladdin & Cinderella Meet the Monkey King. familyworks.org
Also twice daily, all will marvel at the amazing feats of The West End Illusion Show and, once a day, Robert Browning tells the story of The Pied Piper of Hamelin. The scene changes at 5:00 to ‘Dickens After Dark’, when grown-ups will appreciate the more adult fare of the artistic, yet provocative Saucy French Postcard Tableaux Revue (18 and over only, please). At the FATHER CHRISTMAS STAGE, sweet caroling rings out from The Coventry Carolers and Father Christmas himself holds court beside a great toy-bedecked tree, jovially inviting young lads and lasses to join him for a lasting holiday photo memento. Children’s fare abounds
with the arrival of the Toy Parade and continues with Tales from Mother Goose, and Tea with Alice and Her Friends. On the first weekend, experience the magical Word Pictures - Storytelling for All with the beguiling Mark Lewis, and on weekends 2-4, the zany antics of The Daredevil Chicken Club. Beyond the Corinthian Rose Sporting Club, you will find the ODYSSEY THEATRE, where sensational swordplay takes the stage as Albion School of Defense presents a rousing production of The Three Musketeers! Marvel at the astonishing juggling feats of The Kondor Brothers. Cheer the hero and boo the dastardly villain as the Crummles Theatrical Company presents the melodramatic adventures of The Outlaw Duke. Music and dance from around the world grace the SILK ROAD STAGE, where you might hear caroling or the sweet strains of a harp one moment, and see lively Irish, Middle Eastern, or Morris dancing the next.
November 25, 2011
Characters on the Street
Londoners who you may meet include: Scrooge and Marley or Bob Cratchit and Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol; young Oliver and dastardly old Fagin or Bill Sykes and Nancy from Oliver Twist; the noble young Nicholas and poor pitiful Smike from Nicholas Nickleby; dashing David and evil Uriah Heep from David Copperfield; Pip, Estella, and Miss Havisham from Great Expectations; or, jolly Mr. Pickwick and his Sporting Club from Pickwick Papers - not to mention the great Charles Dickens himself!
Food from Great Briton and Beyond
Bring your appetite when you visit The Great Dickens Christmas Fair - there is ever so much to eat and drink. Feast on fine foods from the British Empire and beyond! Or, enjoy a traditional English High Tea with Scones and little sandwiches - anytime is teatime in Britain!
Tickets are $25 general admission, $21 for students, seniors or members of the military and $12 for children under five. The Cow Palace is located at 2600 Geneva St. in Daly City. For information and directions visit cowpalace.com or dickensfair.com.
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Wet No More
Nine Tips to Stop Bedwetting—SOON! Renee Mercer, RN, PNP
If your child stays dry during the day but wets at night, the situation is likely to be confusing and frustrating for everyone involved.You’re wondering if you’re doing something wrong. Your child is embarrassed, and you’re all missing the sleep you’d like to be getting instead of cleaning up middle-of-the-night messes. In addition to the immediate consequences, there are other ramifications: Your child may not be comfortable attending sleepovers, sleep-away camps, and some vacations, and his or her selfesteem might end up suffering. Still, you figure, what can you do other than wait it out? According to Renee Mercer, you may be able to do more about nighttime wetting than you think. In fact, your child may be able to experience dry nights in as little as a few months! 5 “Many parents think that bedwetting is something that can’t be controlled and that their child will just have to grow out of it—or they blame themselves or their child for the recurring problem,” says Mercer, a certified pediatric nurse practitioner and the author of the new book Seven Steps to Nighttime Dryness: A Practical Guide for Parents of Children with Bedwetting, Second Edition. “And because many parents don’t talk to 18 Fall 2011
their children’s pediatrician about bedwetting, they don’t realize that all of those assumptions are false.” “The good news is, you can start treating bedwetting and potentially decrease how long it lasts by years,” promises Mercer. “Through a series of easy-to-tackle steps and with the help of a bedwetting alarm, you can work with your child to achieve dry nights in as little as ten weeks. So if you start now, you’ll both be able to rest easy much earlier than you ever expected.”
Make Your Job Easier Now
If you aren’t already doing so, decrease your workload by using disposable pants, waterproof pads, vinyl mattress covers, etc. “In addition to buying products that make life just a little bit easier, you can also get into some helpful habits,” Mercer says. “For example, familyworks.org
you may occasionally wake your child and take her to the bathroom before you go to bed—especially if her pullups tend to leak. Also, place a clean pair of pajamas and underwear by your child’s bed to make middle-of-the-night cleanups easier.”
Get the Whole Family on Board
This isn’t just your child’s challenge to overcome—he’ll need your continued help, support, and encouragement. Keep in mind that you’ll be waking up during the night as your child learns to establish a nighttime routine, as well as helping him get used to any alarms he might use and monitoring his food and liquid intakes before bed. “Committing as a family to getting over bedwetting is crucial,” Mercer confirms. It’s a good idea to make sure that siblings know what’s going on (and not to discuss it with their friends or to tease), and to enlist grandparents, or perhaps an aunt and uncle, to help with ‘practice’ sleepovers.”
Establish a Bedtime Routine
Some children are more likely to experience a pattern of dryness when they have a regular nightly routine. To the extent that it’s possible, try to start working toward dryness at a time when no disruptive events such as holidays, vacations, moves, the birth of a sibling, etc., are on the horizon. “I recommend eating dinner at the same time each night and drinking only water afterwards,” instructs Mercer. “Don’t restrict fluids entirely; just stay away from soda and sugary drinks! Children should also urinate twice before bedtime and be involved in any pre-bed rituals such as placing extra pajamas behind the bed and attaching the bedwetting alarm.”
Refrain From Punishment
It is crucial to realize that kids do not wet their beds voluntarily. Bedwetting can be caused by a multitude of factors, including genetics, small functional bladder capacity, food sensitivities, high nighttime urine production, and even constipation—but a wet spot in the morning is not a result of your child be-
ing too “lazy” to get out of bed. For this reason, punishing a child for bedwetting is ineffectual, and potentially harmful. “Children very, very rarely wet their beds on purpose,” confirms Mercer. “In fact, most feel frustrated, embarrassed, and upset when they wake up to wet sheets. Punishing your child for not having a dry night will only compound these feelings and hurt his self-esteem. Being encouraging and supportive is always the route to go!”
Invest in an Alarm…A Bedwetting Alarm, That is!
Unlike conventional alarm clocks, bedwetting alarms don’t ring at a preset time. A moisture sensor triggers the alarm, which wakes you and your child. At this point, you can make sure that your child gets up and goes to the bathroom. And after a few weeks of associating the alarm with the need to urinate, your child’s brain will begin to understand the feeling of a full bladder, and she’ll wake up on her own. “In my opinion, a bedwetting alarm is crucial if you’re serious about stopping bedwetting,” There are many different types and styles of alarms, ranging in price from around $60 to $200. Your goal is to find one that your child likes and accepts, and that works reliably for her.
Bedwetting Myths • You have to wait for your child to outgrow bedwetting. • Most bedwetting children have mental or physical problems. • If a child is a sound sleeper, a bedwetting alarm won’t work for her. • If your child doesn’t tell you he’s bothered by his bedwetting, he probably doesn’t care if he’s wet. • My child is alone in having this problem. • Bedwetting occurred because I left my child in disposable pants too long. • Parents should restrict privileges or punish their children. • Puberty will end bedwetting. • Medication is a sure cure for bedwetting.
Record Your Child’s Progress
During your efforts to achieve nighttime dryness, track your child’s progress from the time you start to use a bedwetting alarm. As accurately as you can, record the frequency of his bedwetting episodes, the size of the wet spot, the time the alarm sounds, and the number of dry nights in a row he achieves. Also, keep a log of what he eats and drinks, how tired he is, and if he’s sick—these things can help you identify possible bedwetting triggers. Tracking these things can help you continued on page 20 familyworks.org
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Wet No More Continued from page 19
identify patterns and seeing progress in writing can be a great motivator for you and your child!
Create a Reward System
A little incentive never hurt anyone, and when it comes to bedwetting, having a reward system in place can keep your child motivated and help her to persevere when she becomes discouraged. Set up a system that acknowledges both cooperation with your evening and nighttime routine (something your child can control) and dry nights (something she can’t). “I recommend tailoring your reward system based on your child’s age,” Mercer shares. Younger kids, ages six to seven especially, respond well to visual rewards like stickers on a chart. Older kids might prefer a mutually agreed-upon reward every week or so for the effort that they put into using and responding to the alarm.
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Do a Sleep-Away Trial Run
Once your child has achieved dryness, consider doing a “trial run sleepover” with grandparents or another trusted relative before leaping right into overnight birthday parties and camps! In many cases, this allows children to get used to sleeping in an unfamiliar place without worrying they might slip up and have a wet night. “During this trial run—and anytime your child sleeps away from home if she’s not confident she’ll remain dry—pack disposable pants and a waterproof sleeping bag liner so that the outside of the bag and the floor will remain dry if she has a wet night,” advises Mercer.
Stay the course!
Your child will probably experience some victories as well as some setbacks on the journey to dry nights. Remember that each child progresses at his or her own rate, and that most continue to wet nightly and have little, if any, independent response to the
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alarm the first few weeks. Don’t be discouraged—eventually, you will see a decrease in the frequency of wetting episodes. And remember that before you stop using the alarm, your child should have fourteen consecutive nights of dryness with nightly alarm use, and fourteen additional dry nights using the alarm every other night.” “Ultimately, each child and each family is unique…but there is hope that wetting can be ‘put to bed’ once and for all,” promises Mercer. “Be patient, remain informed, and continue to encourage your child. And sooner than you ever thought possible, your child’s bedwetting can be solved. Here’s to positive, dry nights!” Renee Mercer is a certified pediatric nurse practitioner specializing in the treatment of children with enuresis, or bedwetting in Enuresis Associates, in Elkridge, Maryland. Renee has more than twenty-five years of experience in pediatrics.
To Much Togetherness continued from page 5 questions regarding spending time with your partner, another adult, or a group. Bypass the “Yes... Buts.” Regardless of how impractical or impossible your dreams may seem, take a leap and take time for each of you to do this exercise on your own. Think big and be a little goofy. This gets your juices going.
• Make Time: Review your dream list and write a number next to each desire based on your priority. Next circle three “dreams” that seem like do-able baby steps. Finally, imagine how you might make this possible. This may mean that one adult may need to increase their responsibilities to accommodate the other. Taking turns may be required. Know that it is your responsibility to make your free time happen. Calendar the time, check in and confirm with the resources that make it possible, and have a back-up plan. If your partner is unable to manage the home, work activities, or children, find a substitute. Join a baby-sitting cooperative or trade with a friend or co-worker. Remember, being a refreshed and happier partner makes it all worthwhile.
Separated Parents and Mutual Antagonism continued from page 7
themselves with the standard of care each provides and/or the moral role model each presents, the outcome for children of separated parents is determined more by the parental conflict than the behaviors at issue. As the parents disengage, they must also help remove the child from the role of emissary. Comments about the other parent are not to be implicitly reinforced by letting the child prattle on, but rather parents should redirect the child to other matters, more notably, issues of the moment with the present parent. The objective is to limit escalation by facilitating better boundaries, recognizing that given the self-centered nature of any parent, the likelihood of getting that parent to change their ways is quite remote and relative to the behaviors in question. In most cases, it is the parental conflict that
will be more destructive to the children’s psychosocial development. The goal is to extricate the child as emissary and to limit the toxicity of the family experience. In the end, you have a happier, better-adjusted child who, when older, will better understand the respective behavior of the parents and make choices for themselves. If you are the parent who continues to worry about the moral role model of the other, concentrate more on your behavior as a role model and still limit conflict. That way you are not drawing more attention to the very behavior you may find objectionable and you offer your child a range of experiences from which to draw. Gary Direnfeld, LCSW is social worker specializing in Divorse and custody issues. Visit him at mysocialworker.com
• Enjoy and Appreciate: When you return from your alonetime, let your partner, roommate, family, and/or workmates know how much you appreciated their support and what a difference it made for you. Work on overcoming any feelings of guilt from “should/ought thought traps”. Make plans to return the favor as soon as possible. Encourage others to celebrate taking time to grow strong by creating a healthy balance of work, play and spending time alone and together. Notice how much more you can enjoy your togetherness when you feel refreshed and renewed. familyworks.org
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