FWM 2013 01

Winter 2013

What’s Your Love Language Being an Emotionally Attentive Parent

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“Like us” on Winter 2013

5 Being an Emotionally Attentive Parent

By Jonice Webb, PhD

6 What’s Your Love Language?

By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MA, MFT

8 Compulsive and Impulsive Buying:

Reigning in Mindless Materialism

By Dr. Marty Martin

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs 12 Therapy Programs 14 Parenting Support and

Independent Living Skills

By Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta

18 Ten Tips to Help You or Your Child

Love the Gluten-Free Life-style

By Dottie DeHart

To Remodel or Not to Remodel

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What’s with the Silent Treatment

by Gary Derenfeld, MSW RSW

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Tom Boss & Patty Garbarino named Heroes of Marin

by Lew Tremaine

16 PURPLE Crying

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By Dottie DeHart

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Editor & Design: Lew Tremaine Copy Editors: Pat Saunders

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Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org

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Sponsorship Information: Katherine Arnsbarger Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: community@familyworks.org

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Being an Emotionally Attentive Parent

By Jonice Webb PhD

The way a child is treated emotionally by his parents determines how he’ll treat himself as an adult. For example, a child who does not receive praise and attention for his small accomplishments, and the pride he feels, may grow up with low self-regard and little confidence in his own abilities. If you ignore your child’s emotions, your child will feel ignored on some level, no matter how much attention you pay to him in other ways.

eyes, and so that she can see how well you know her.

For example, “I see your math homework seems really frustrating,” or “You sure do love that stuffed animal, don’t you?”

Continued on page 10

Emotions are part of your child’s biology, and necessary for forging the strong parent-child bond of love and connection. If you help a child develop his emotional intelligence, it’s been shown to be more valuable to his success in life than general intelligence. It’s your job to teach your child how to name, use, and manage emotion, as well as how to deal with it in others.

Being an emotionally attentive parent is challenging, for three reasons. The first is because emotion hides behind behavior. It’s easier to get angry with a child who is sulking and being stubborn, for example, than to look for the underlying emotion that’s causing the behavior, such as fear. Second, if a parent is not emotionally aware herself, it’s difficult for her to perceive what her child is feeling. Finally, speaking the language of emotion doesn’t come naturally to children. Emotion can be powerful, complex, and confusing. Both parents and children often find it easier to simply ignore it.

A parent doesn’t have to be perfect to make the child feel emotionally cared for. If she or he works a little bit at a time to be more emotionally attentive, it can make an enormous difference in the adult child’s happiness.

Here are seven ways to do it.

Pay attention to who your child really is. Your job is to see your child’s true nature--and reflect it back to her. What does your child like, dislike, get angry about, feel afraid of, or struggle with?

Feed these observations back to your child in a nonjudgmental way so that your child can see herself through your

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What is Your Love Language?

by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MA, MFT

Much has been said about love including how you know you are in love, whether love is real, and whether you can trust love to last. Equally important to know about love is how we can show the other that we love them and how we can feel and believe that we are loved in return.

Have you ever been in a relationship in which no matter what you did to show your love - the other person said they did not feel loved by you? Have you ever felt empty, separate, and unloved, even though the other person said that he/she loved you deeply?

Gary Chapman, the author of the bestselling book, The Five Love Languages , helps break the barriers which can keep us estranged from those we love. As Gary says, “He sends you flowers, when what you really want is time to talk. She gives you a hug, when you really want a homecooked meal. The problem isn’t your love- it’s your love language.”

Tips:

• Find out the words your partner most longs to hear • Share the loving words you have been saying and find out if the words feel loving to your partner.

• Start and end each day with a compliment or words of appreciation.

• Say hello and goodbye with warmth, looking into one another’s eyes.

Chapman discusses five love languages.

1. Words of Affirmation 2. Quality Time 3. Receiving Gifts 4. Acts of Service 5. Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

The old expression, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is really off the mark. Words are incredibly powerful. The timing, the tone of your words and your body expressions when you speak - all need to be considered. Relaxed and open body language, which says, “I care how you feel and I respect you,” is the first step in building a positive relationship.

Sarcastic, contemptuous or shaming statements erase paragraphs of affirmations.

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• Compliment your partner in front of others.

• Write a love note or poem.

Quality Time

Each person has a different definition of “quality time”.

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For one it may be sharing a sporting event, for the other going to a play. For one it may be sitting in the same room reading a book or listening to music. For the another - it may be working on a project, going for a hike, or looking through travel magazines to plan your next adventure. In any case, quality time does mean being present and available to one another. Without a doubt, it is important to have “me” time, but for love to flourish, “we” time is essential.

Receiving Gifts

Take a breath. This does not mean spending a lot of money.

The gift may be something tangible and very small - a homemade card, wild flowers, a book, some special food item – something that shows you know the person well and were thinking of him/her enough to take the time to find it - and give it lovingly. And giving the little remembrance, when it is not expected, is key. (E.g. at times other than birthdays, holidays, etc.) Also, giving the gift with a bit of flourish shows the tender intention behind the gift. The gift can also be a spontaneous gift of yourself - at a celebration or in the time of loss or sadness.

(When your loved one says, “I really want you to be there”, take the statement seriously.

Not showing up may send a message that is not easily forgotten. Of course all gifts need to be freely given - with no expectations/strings and no later reminders of “after all I’ve done for you”.

Acts of Service

Do you feel the most loved when your partner brings you a cup of coffee in the morning, cooks a special meal, fixes the fence, washes the car, writes the bills or mails the package?

For many, sincerely offering to do a chore that is usually the other person’s job makes many brownie points. Ask your partner to write a list of 10 acts of service that are important to her/him. Then ask that the list be prioritized. Each week choose one or two of these acts to willingly perform. You may be surprised by the list (we often assume that what is important to our partner is what is important to our parents or to ourselves. Not necessarily so).

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.

Physical Touch

Physical touch may not be the primary language of love for one of the partners. While it is a basic human need, some need it much more than others – and in different ways. Some want a gentle touch, a stroke on the cheek, apat on the back, or spooning at bedtime. Others prefer a firm hug, or a back, hand or foot massage. For some, physical touch is embarrassing in public or when exhausted/irritated, yet others welcome touch regardless of time or social conditions. For most, touching on a regular basis makes more intimate love-making even more comfortable, acceptable and desirable. It is important to know the when, how, how much, and how often quotient of your partner. And be sure to avoid any touch, which makes your partner uncomfortable.

Each may have a very different physical touch love language.

There is no one right language of love. It is not at all uncommon for each partner to have very different preferences and priorities in which they are able to hear and feel that the other person really loves them.

Enjoy talking over these ideas with your partner and then each list your order of preference of receiving caring and feeling loved. In addition, consider picking up Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages”.

You’ll be glad you did.

Do you feel the most loved when your partner brings you a cup of coffee in the morning, cooks a special meal, fixes the fence, washes the car, writes the bills, mails the package?

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Compulsive and Impulsive Buying: Reigning in Mindless Materialism

By Dr. Marty Martin

Mark, a financial services executive, frequented a hobby shop which sold cars and trains. Over time, Mark had many apologies to make to his fuming wife who waited to eat dinner with him, waited for him to put his son to bed, and wondered why he kept buying these cars and trains.

Mark tried to explain, but it really did not make sense to him or to those in his life. He promised that he would be more dependable, but then he would find himself once again at the hobby shop searching for a shiny new car or train at the wrong time.

Lisa, while rubbing her blistered, tired feet thought to herself, “Why don’t I just paint and enjoy time with my children instead of wasting my time shopping and returning clothes after work every single day?” She felt guilt and shame because she was a mental health professional working with children and adolescents often guiding them to rid themselves of bad habits. Lisa was finding that as her debt grew so did her exhaustion as she would nearly sprint out of work to begin her grueling second job: shopping...and returning.

Psychiatrists and psychologists describe those who shop and spend without restraint as suffering from Impulsive– Compulsive Buying Disorder (ICBD). Is Mark an impulsive shopper? Yes. Is Lisa an obsessive shopper? Yes. Can a person be both? Yes, though they typically lean toward the impulsive or compulsive side.

Mental health professionals have detailed the effects on compulsive and impulsive shoppers and spenders as the following: • Buying unneeded things • Storing too much stuff in shrinking places • Personal distress • Impaired relationships • Job problems • Financial strains If you tally these effects, then disturbances in sleeping may be added to the list as well. In extreme cases, chronic impulsive and compulsive shoppers and spenders turn to crime; not purse snatch8

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ing, but white collar crime such as embezzling.

As a family member or friend, it hurts to watch a loved one lie to you time after time, deceive themselves, and make false promises day after day. You quietly wish or loudly plead for them to get help, but denial is a powerful drug.

It numbs our senses to the reality that all is not well in our life…in this case, our financial life.

The point here is not to label, but to identify the signs of such behavior, and, more importantly, learn how to tame compulsive and impulsive shopping and spending. What are the signs that the behavior is now regarded as compulsive and impulsive rather than within normal limits?

within the boundaries of the law, you can only shop and spend as long as you have money in the bank and a balance on your credit cards. After you’ve depleted every penny that you can access legally, you may be tempted. like an addict, to steal, rob, embezzle, or commit fraud to feed your addiction, while at the same time rationalizing your behavior. You don’t have to be a criminal to commit a crime; you only have to step across a legal boundary one time.

Now is the time to acknowledge that you are suffering from impulsive and compulsive shopping and spending, and now is the time to get the help you need.

• Failed promises to stop engaging in such behavior • Feeling of vulnerability in specific stores and around certain individuals • Patterns of a lot of shopping and spending around certain time periods • Inability to limit your own behavior even after making a pledge to yourself to stop or cut back • Experiencing guilt or a negative emotion after the purchase and feeling a “buying high” right before and while purchasing the product or service • Hiding purchased goods to avoid confrontation with others.

• Known by others as a shopper or spender

Dr. Marty Martin has been speaking and training nationally and internationally for more than 30 years. Currently, he is working on Taming Disruptive Behavior, published by The American College of Physician Executives (ACPE) in late 2012. Dr. Martin is the Director of the Health Sector Management MBA Concentration and Associate Professor in the College of Commerce at DePaul University in Chicago, Illinois and practices at Aequus Wealth Management.

For more information on Dr. Martin, please visit his website at http://www.drmartymartin.com.

If many of these signs apply to you, ask yourself the following question: What do I do to tame this out-of-control behavior? There are three simple initial steps to take: • First acknowledge that you are not in complete control of your shopping and spending.

• Then, accept the fact that what you’ve been doing has only enabled you to dig deeper into debt and despair.

• Finally, admit that you need support to make a positive change, not just in how you shop and spend, but how you relate to money. Consider these seven steps before you make an impulse purchase: 1) What need or want is being fulfilled?

2) What is the price and do I have the cash money to pay for it?

3) If I waited one day, would I still want to buy it?

4) How will I feel when I go home with this item?

5) How will I react, if I decide to charge it, when the credit card bill comes in the mail?

6) Where am I going to store this item?

7) Will I tell anybody that I bought this item or keep it a secret?

As an individual, you must recognize that impulsive and compulsive shopping and spending has limits. To stay

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Being an Emotionally Attentive Parent continued from page 5

Feel an emotional connection to your child. Strive to feel what your child is feeling, whether you agree with it or not. When you show that you understand your child’s emotion, he will feel an instant bond with you.

Put the feelings into words for him and teach him how to use his own words to express it. For instance, if he spends a lot of time alone, you might say, “You seem sad to be all alone on a beautiful day. Is it lonely not to have a friend here with you?”

Respond competently to your child’s emotional need. Don’t judge your child’s feeling as right or wrong.

Look beyond the feeling, to the source that’s triggering it. Help your child name and manage her emotion. Give her simple, age-appropriate rules to live by. For example, if your child grabs her brother’s toys in order to anger him, you might talk about how frustrating it is to have a younger brother and have to share everything.

Talk to her about how important it is to get along in a family, how we don’t want to hurt each other, and ask her what she might do instead of taking his toys from him. Then hold her accountable for her behavior if she repeats it.

Teach self-forgiveness by modeling compassion. When your child makes a poor choice or mistake, help him understand what part of the mistake is his, what part is someone else’s, and what part is the circumstance. That helps him figure out how to correct his mistake without feel10

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ing blame from you or automatically blaming himself.

Show your child that you like as well as love her. It’s vital that your child not only knows but feels that you like and love her. Warm, caring hugs, laughter, and truly enjoying your child’s personality all go a long way toward conveying that feeling to your child. Knowing that she’s loved is not the same as feeling loved.

Don’t miss small opportunities to give attention. Childhood is composed of many small emotional moments, and the more of these that you share, the better off your child will be when he or she grows us. Spontaneously give your child a hug when you notice he looks sad. Ask her if she’s okay if you think she might be upset.

Spend extra time with your child when you feel he needs it. If your child is going through a transition or difficult phase, e.g., starting school or moving, talk about it with her and do something special with her to show her you know what she’s going through.

Help children care for themselves. Adults who experienced emotional neglect as children often report that they never learned how to care for

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themselves--to get adequate sleep, eat regularly and healthfully, and exercise. As a parent, you can help your child learn self-discipline by teaching him to care for himself.

Show him how healthy food makes him feel good, and junk food makes him feel lethargic and bad. Help him find physical activities that keep his body fit and his mood buoyant. And enforce a regular sleep schedule that creates energy and good coping skills the next day.

Dr. Jonice Webb is a pioneer in the field of Childhood Emotional Neglect and its negative impact on adult behavior. She has written a new book that offers insights, advice, and solutions for adults, parents, and therapists, called Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (Morgan James, 2012). Learn more about her and her work at http:// www.drjonicewebb.com/.

Therapy and Life Skills Center ©

Positive & Peaceful Parenting Classes

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We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, ignS practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: r ll o • Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation Ca • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed • Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation • Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then” • Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements 4 Tuesdays: Jan. 22 - Feb. 12, 2013 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. or Friday March 22, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Child-Centered Co-Parenting

Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Deal with each other respectfully • Increase cooperation • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • Manage constantly shifting Seven Tuesdays: schedules Jan. 22 - March 12, 2013 6:30 - 8:30 p.m.

• Stop tantrums and dawdling • Design consequences that work Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included • End rudeness & backtalk

Exploring Motherhood Groups Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.

For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week.

• Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon NOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays APPLE FamilyWorks: English Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon Tuesdays

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Therapy and Life Skills Center

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy ® (FIT)

“I hear and I forget.

I see and I remember.

I do and I understand”

Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals.

FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills.

You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, which may include state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions (with audiovisual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change). You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

Separation and Divorce Support Group Join other women in a supportive environment to help one another through the stages of the divorce process - from contemplation, to separation, to divorce, to “what’s next”.

Explore: • Overcoming hurt and anger • Managing anxiety and depression • Reducing stress • Handling difficult co-parenting relationships • Developing a support system Beginning on Tuesday, February 26 from 9 to 11 a.m. The group will meet 8 consecutive weeks. Ask about other times and dates.

Call Julia Whitelaw at (415) 492-0720, ext. 314 for more information.

Location: APPLE FamilyWorks, 4 Joseph Ct. San Rafael, CA.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life.

We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect

• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce

• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions

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Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional wellbeing, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline

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CPR & First Aid Classes Saturday: Call for schedule CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PM First Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

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Making a Difference At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community.

We invite you to get to know us.

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PURPLE Crying: A New Way to Understand Your Baby’s Crying Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta

Sometimes healthy babies can cry for hours at a time and can’t be soothed. It’s called the Period of PURPLE Crying and it’s common in the first five months of life. The good news is that it is a particular “period” in the child’s life which will come to an end.

The characteristics of this time of increased crying are explained by the acronym PURPLE: P- Peak of Crying - Happens during the second month.

Your baby is likely to be crying less in months three to five.

No matter how long a baby cries, be gentle.Never try to stop crying by shaking the baby, which can cause serious and permanent brain and neck injury.

R- Resists Soothing- Your baby may not stop crying regardless of your efforts.

U- Unexpected - Crying can come and go with no apparent reason.

P- Pain-Like Face- A crying baby may look and sound like they are in pain, even though they may not be in pain.

L- Long Lasting- Crying can last on and off for as much as five hours a day.

E- Evening- Your baby may cry more in the late afternoon and evening.

Soothing may calm your baby and is wise to use even when your baby is not crying. This list is not all-inclusive, as there are many other things you can try to calm your baby’s crying. While many of these techniques may work frequently, nothing works all the time and that is understandable.

Tips to Soothe Your Crying Infant

1. Determine if baby is hungry/ thirsty. Consider spooning a bit of warm water or check with your pediatrician about giving your baby a dropper full of chamomile tea or a drop of lavender oil in baby’s bath water.

2. Sing softly to baby or play soothing classical music.

3. Check to see if your baby needs changing. Hunger is the main reason a baby will cry but many babies hate to be wet or have stinging skin when soiled.

4. Hold baby skin to skin, chest to chest, as you breathe slowly and deeply.

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5. Burp your baby with gentle strokes or pats with his chest near your shoulder.

6. Take your baby out into fresh air in a stroller or baby sling.

7. Massage your baby’s tummy, using a question mark stroke starting on her right side, and ending in the bottom of her stomach in the mid-line.

8. Make eye contact with your baby while whispering “Shhhh” rhythmically, or turn on a sound machine replicating the sounds in the womb.

9. Take your baby for a ride in the car.

10. If you are breastfeeding, reduce or avoid eating any food family members are allergic to, as well as gas forming or spicy foods, shell fish, and large

quantities of citrus or dairy.

When the crying becomes overwhelming and you’ve tried everything to soothe your baby, it’s important to take a break. If a trusted caregiver is not available to help with the baby for a while, put your baby in a safe place and take a few minutes to calm yourself for five or ten minutes doing things that will relax you, such as listening to music, talking with a friend, or having a cup of tea. Join a gym that has childcare to give yourself a break and well-earned grown up activity.

Sometimes baby stops crying and even falls asleep. Whew!

The early months of parenthood bring some of the most exhausting and overwhelming days of your life, along with amazing moments watching your baby grow. That first smile is priceless.

For more information on the Period of PURPLE Crying, visit www.

PURPLEcrying.info. For more information on PURPLE in Georgia, visit www.choa.org/dontshake. Credit: The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome, www.dontshake.org.

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Parenting

Learn to: • Improve Children’s Cooperation • Increase Kindness & Respect • Enrich Family Connections • Reinforce Positive Behaviors

No matter how long a baby cries, be gentle. Never try to stop crying by shaking the baby, which can cause serious and permanent brain and

• Nurture Children’s Development See Class Schedule on Page 11 Call:

(415) 492-0720 or Register Online at

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neck injury. familyworks.org

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Ten Tips to Help You or Your Child Love the GlutenFree Lifestyle

by Dottie DeHart

If you’re feeling resentful or unhappy about your gluten-free lifestyle, Danna Korn has some welcome tips to help you change your mind…and expand your menu.

If you’ve been diagnosed with celiac disease or you’ve adopted the diet to simply become healthier, you know that you have the knowledge and willpower to stay away from gluten. But liking, much less loving, your new diet?

Well, that’s another matter entirely. Many individuals who live a gluten-free lifestyle find themselves missing their old diets, and they especially dread being taunted by friends who seem to gobble gluten at every turn.

If this sounds familiar, Danna Korn has some welcome encouragement: Hang in there. You can learn to live—and love—this lifestyle. “Going gluten-free is a physical transition, yes—but it’s also a psychological one,” says Korn, author of Living Gluten-Free For Dummies® (2nd Edition,Wiley). “It’s natural to experience feelings of loss and jealousy regarding ‘forbidden foods,’ but the good news is that you can learn to think of your gluten-free lifestyle in very positive terms.”

If you or a family member must live gluten-free and you’re ready to see your lifestyle in a whole new light, read on for ten of Korn’s tried-and-true tips:

2. Expand your culinary horizons with adventuresome alternatives. Many of us tend to eat the same types of foods over and over and over again—so living glutenfree is a great opportunity to try new ingredients, tastes, and dishes.

“A bold, gluten-free world awaits you, filled with foods some people have never heard of,” Korn confirms.

“Quinoa, amaranth, teff, millet, buckwheat, acai, kefir, and sorghum top the list of my faves. If you’re a parent, don’t underestimate your kids’ willingness to try new foods—they may broaden their horizons with surprising ease.”

3. Enjoy ethnic fare. Unlike Western culture, many societies around the world live practically gluten-free without even realizing it.

“Let your taste buds take a world tour,” says Korn.

“Many Asian cuisines, including Thai, Vietnamese, and Korean, are often gluten-free, as are many Mexican and Indian dishes. You can do some research on the Internet or explore cookbooks featuring recipes from around the world.”

4. Control the diet. To some extent your gluten-free lifestyle will determine what you eat, when and where you eat, with whom you eat, and even how you eat—but

1. Focus on what you can eat. When your brain is focused on gluten, it can seem to be surrounding you even more closely than oxygen molecules. However, looking at the big picture will show you that the list of things you can eat is a lot longer than the list of things you can’t.

“Focus on the foods you can eat and put a special emphasis on those that you especially enjoy,” Korn suggests. “Try to think outside the box and explore foods you may not have otherwise tried, or figure out how to make your favorite glutenous meal into a gluten-freebie.”

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you’ll have a lot more control if you are knowledgeable and plan ahead.

“Educate yourself on menu planning,” suggests Korn. “This will help you to shop smart, and it will also help ensure that something’s always available for you when you’re hungry. A crucial part of being in control of the diet is being able to get out and about and know that you can eat safely when you’re not at home. This is true for children as well—people usually underestimate kids’ abilities to follow the diet on their own.”

5. Eat to live; don’t live to eat. Your body is designed

to use food as a fuel, not as a comforter, pacifier, stress reliever, or partner replacer. Make sure that your relationship with food is a healthy one.

“Sure, food has become a huge part of society and interpersonal relationships, and by definition, social functions usually revolve around food,” agrees Korn.

“But that doesn’t mean food is the social function, nor does that mean you have to eat the food that’s there.”

6. Remember: You’re different. So what? If you’re on the gluten-free diet, your bread may look a little different, and you may sometimes appear to be a tad high maintenance at a restaurant. So what? You’re not alone, and there’s no real reason to feel embarrassed.

“Lots of people ‘customize’ a menu,” reminds Korn. “Vegetarians skip a huge portion of the buffet line. Some people don’t like chicken, others don’t do dairy, and some can die if they eat the wrong foods, like peanuts. Luckily, your diet happens to be both healthy and delicious.”

7. Go ahead—enjoy a (gluten-free) splurge. Whether

they are supposed to stay away from a certain ingredient or severely limit their portions, many dieters eventually begin to resent these restrictions, sparking a return to eating habits that feel more fulfilling.

“Give yourself a break occasionally,” urges Korn.

“Indulge from time to time in your favorite gluten-free extravagance, whether it happens to be a sweet treat or a baked potato loaded with sour cream and butter.

Finding and maintaining a good balance is an important part of any lifestyle.”

8. Tune in to the benefits. If you’re going to stick

with anything long-term, it helps to know the positive “whys”, rather than just blindly following a set of rules.

“If you think it would be helpful to write down all the good things about being gluten-free, do it,” says Korn. “Post the list on the fridge, if you want a daily reminder, or keep a list in a journal on your desk. When you focus on the reasons being gluten-free is a good familyworks.org

“You may even look back fondly on your gluten-free transition as one of the most positive menu-expanding events in your life!” thing in your life, you can gain a new or renewed appreciation for the lifestyle itself.”

9. Turn away from temptation. Avoid putting yourself in tempting situations whenever you can, saving your strength for when you have no choice in the matter.

“No, you probably shouldn’t take that job at the bakery,” confirms Korn. “And don’t think you’re building character by holding a slice of pizza to your nose and taking a big whiff. This world has plenty of gluten in it, and you’re going to run across some ‘forbidden foods’ whether you look for them or not.

So don’t purposefully set yourself up for temptation and frustration.”

10. Deal with it; don’t dwell on it. If you’re mad, sad,

grief stricken, confused, frustrated, agitated, and ticked off about having to live without gluten, that’s okay.

Lots of people experience those feelings, especially if they’re forced to embark upon an entirely new—and sometimes very different—lifestyle. However, it’s important to deal with those feelings and move on.

“Call on your friends, family, and support groups; share with them how you’re feeling and let them help you work through the feelings,” instructs Korn. “If you need professional help, get it. Not wallowing in the negativity of your circumstances is important, because your thoughts may intensify and can even end up causing other physical and emotional problems.”

“Ultimately, when you educate yourself on the realities of living gluten-free and get your mind in the right place, you’ll be surprised by how much you’re enjoying each meal,” concludes Korn. “You may even look back fondly on your gluten-free transition as one of the most positive menu-expanding events in your life!”

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To Remodel or Not to Remodel: Questions Homeowners Need to Ask

by Dottie DeHart

The thought of a new kitchen or added bedroom may be tempting. But before you begin any type of remodel, Dan Fritschen says you should consider the project from several different angles to make sure it’s best for you, your relationships, your home, and your wallet.

In the age of HGTV, home and garden magazines, Pinterest, and more, the thought of remodeling your home might be tempting. After all, there’s a lot to love about redesigning, updating, and maximizing your space. Plus, whether you’re thinking of joining the doit-yourself crowd or prefer to let hired professionals do the heavy lifting, any number of popular TV programs and encouraging articles make home remodeling look like a piece of cake. But before you start measuring walls and making demolition plans, Dan Fritschen encourages you to stop a moment and really consider what you’re about to jump into.

So before you launch into your own project, ask yourself these questions: Which are we more excited about: Hawaii or hardwood floors? Yes, that updated living room you bookmarked in a magazine looks fantastic. But in the grand scheme 20

Winter 2013

of things, how much joy will it bring you? For instance, would you be happier with a trip to (and later memories of) a pristine white sand beach or with brand-new flooring?

“It may sound elementary, but give some serious thought as to whether you’d rather spend your time and money on a vacation or on a new and improved living space,” Fritschen advises. “Even if you don’t end up booking your trip immediately, leaning toward ‘vacation’ over ‘remodel’ is a good barometer for determining how important an updated home actually is to you. And the truth is, unless a specific renovation really is your heart’s desire, you’d probably be better off traveling than pouring money into an alreadyfunctional room.”

Are we the Joneses? It’s a fact of life: Everybody wants to keep up with the Joneses. (In fact, Fritschen says, that’s a very popular reason for deciding to remodel!) Before you hit up the hardware store, though, take a moment to consider whether or not you are the Joneses. Is your home already one of the biggest or nicest in the neighborhood? If so, it’s likely that the addition or remodel you’re planning will end up being a lot of work that won’t significantly increase the value of your home.

familyworks.org

“If you really want to remodel because you love the design and remodeling process, then go ahead,” urges Fritschen.

“But if all you really want is a bigger or nicer home and you already have the biggest and nicest in the neighborhood, it may make more sense to move to a new home that has all the features you want in a neighborhood full of larger and nicer residences.”

Is our income secure? For obvious reasons, if you aren’t sure of your income stream, spending all of your savings on a remodel isn’t a smart choice—especially when the economy isn’t exactly stable and thriving.

“If you aren’t sure about your job or other source of income for the next few years and have just enough in savings to pay for the remodel, think about waiting,” says Fritschen.

“For your peace of mind, and perhaps the outcome of the project, it’s worth waiting until you have saved more or are 100 percent confident that you will have a steady income in the future.” (Ed. note: Do you have the equivalent of at least 6 months expenses in savings.?)

Can we really afford this? Even on sticking-to-a-budgetthemed renovation shows, the main emphasis is on the work being done and not on the financial decisions being made.

So what many homeowners fail to fully understand is that remodeling usually costs a lot, even when you’re going the DIY route and looking for bargains. (Ed. note: Remodels often go 25% over initial estimates.)

“If you’re not exactly rolling in the dough, don’t write off your remodel entirely,” Fritschen advises. “There are smart, financially savvy ways to remodel, including using money from savings, using a 203k mortgage, or refinancing and getting cash back on your home. However, if the only ways you can pay for your remodel are to tap into retirement accounts or use your credit cards, then the cost of remodeling increases significantly and is then much harder to justify. If you can’t pay for a remodel the ‘smart’ way, then it is better to wait a few years and focus on saving up the money you’ll need.”

Is the finished product worth the stress and mess? Again, this is an area in which TV shows can be misleading. Think about it: All of the chaos, frustration, debris, and stress are compressed into a 30-minute or hour-long slot. (And magazine or internet articles might not address these factors at all!) In the real world, though, even the most mellow and easy-going people can find remodeling to be a difficult process.

“The decision-making, the expense, the mess, the interruption to routines…it all makes remodeling a potential nightmare,” points out Fritschen. “So carefully consider everyone’s response to the turmoil of remodeling. If you familyworks.org

suspect that some in your household won’t be able to effectively deal with the stress, then deciding against remodeling—or putting it off—could be a better decision.”

How long will we be in this house? If there’s a chance you may be moving soon, Fritschen says there are two very good reasons not to remodel.

First, remodeling is a lot of work. And secondly, in many cases, the cost of updating your home often exceeds the amount your home appreciates after the work is finished.

“In each of these cases, the only way to justify a remodel is by quality of life improvement—but if you are moving a few months or even years after the remodel is done, then you might never be able to truly enjoy the updated home enough to justify the costs,” he shares.

Is this a good investment? As Fritschen has pointed out before, in many cases, the cost of a remodel might exceed your home’s overall increase in value once the project is complete.

“I want to stress that it’s very important to know going in that you might not make money, and to be okay with that,” he emphasizes. “Do your research before making any commitments so that you’ll have a fairly accurate idea of what to expect in terms of cost and your home’s updated value. If the numbers aren’t promising and the thought of not making a clear profit when you eventually sell your home horrifies you, you might want to rethink your renovations.”

“Always make sure you have an accurate perspective on when a remodel makes sense and when it doesn’t,” Fritschen concludes. “Remember, the project should improve not only your home, but also your happiness and quality of life—without breaking the bank or driving your family around the bend.

So, how can improvement-oriented homeowners determine whether remodeling is a good idea or not?

“The good news is, remodelormove.com has just made deciding if you should remodel or not a whole lot easier,” shares Fritschen. “The Should I Remodel?

Online Calculator asks 15 pertinent questions that range from personal preference to the hard numbers of your financial capabilities and compiles the answers. A recommendation (yes, no, or consider the question more carefully) is then provided based on the homeowner’s goals.”

Visit http://www.remodelormove.com/should-youremodel.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center

Couples Counseling & Family Therapy Counseling, concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored.

The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through: • Sharing Child Rearing • Dealing with Anxiety • Managing Child Behavior • Resolving Hurts and Conflicts • Managing Anger • Managing Depression and Addictions • Understanding Child • Planning for Play Sliding Scale Fees

(415) 492-0720 22

Fall 2012

What’s up with the Silent Treatment?

by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

Some relationships are marked by overt expressions of anger; yelling, shouting and the like. There are also those conflicted relationships that are marked by silence.

Silence though, doesn’t mean the same thing in all situations. Silence can mean at least four different things: Some people go silent amidst an interpersonal conflict to upset their partner even more then he or she might already be. When someone is waiting upon a response by the other, keeping silent is an effective way to punish or wreak vengeance for a perceived wrong. The silent treatment or withholding, keeps the other person on the hook, so to speak, waiting to settle some matter. This is indeed nerve wracking for the person awaiting the response. This is retaliatory behavior, the goal of which is to discharge anger by making the other person upset. This is not necessarily meant as abusive behavior, but may speak to an immaturity or limited capacity on the part of a person to effectively express anger appropriately.

In these situations, if the non-silent partner has been guilty of untoward behavior, silence may be the silent partner’s only available means of response, but it will be ineffective in the long run unless the untoward behavior is actually addressed. If the silence and the behavior both continue, both partners will continue to be distressed.

The silent treatment can also be used as a form of bullying in that it is used to manipulate an outcome in favour of the one engaging in the behavior. Not with the goal of discharging one’s upset, but causing the other person to acquiesce to one’s preference, this form of bullying works because the victim cannot tolerate the other person’s withdrawal. The victim feels abandoned and likely has their own issues of self-worth which in turn makes this an effective strategy for the bully. The victim, needing to feel connected, acquiesces to the demands of the bully to abate the silent treatment. These relationships are often lop-sided in favour of the bully. The bully gets what he or she wants, but at the expense of a wholesome relationship.

Some folks go silent amidst an interpersonal conflict because they either cannot cope with the conflict or are no match in a verbal battle with their partner.

Seeing the futility of arguing, this person goes quiet to avoid an escalation of conflict or to resist being overwhelmed by the other person’s verbal repartee.

In these situations, the silent treatment serves as a means of self-preservation.

In situations such as these, it is common to see the other party as excessively

verbose, often defensive and certainly with much to say. Given the difficulty of getting these people to listen and stop arguing their case, their partner simply withdraws.

This is most like giving up. These persons are often more sad than mad.

In some instances, both persons go silent towards each other.

This mutual silent treatment is like a Mexican stand-off with each seeing who gives in first. The mutual silent treatment is almost childlike in appearance with stubbornness and pride at the root. With neither party willing to back down, these situations can go on indefinitely typically creating even greater distress for those friends, neighbors and loved ones who likely see the folly of both persons’ ways.

Regardless of why a relationship is marked by the silence always spells some sort of difficulty resolving conflict. Be it to wreak vengeance, a strategy to bully, a means for selfpreservation or pride, silence in a relationship is indicative of unremitting conflict.

Silence as a strategy to manage either one’s feelings or another’s behavior is self-defeating. In lieu, people are encouraged to find their reasonable voice and learn to express their needs, wants and issues verbally, non-judgmentally and informationally.

Like we tell our kids, use your words.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker.

Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, and parent-child relations.

Film Night Partners Tom Boss & Patty Garbarino Receive ”Heroes of Marin” Recognition

by Lew Tremaine

Tom Boss and Patty Garbarino, have been collaborating for eight years, bringing classic and family films to parks throughout Marin County. Both were recognized this year as “Heroes of Marin” by the Pacific Sun newspaper.

Tom, the founder and Producer of Film Night, was recognized for “Community Spirit”, having shown over 300 films over the past 20 years (the last 11 of which as a project of

APPLE FamilyWorks).

Patty was recognized for “Innovation,” for her and her father’s pioneering work in the recycling movment.

Since 2004, Patty’s Marin Sanitary Service has been the Festival Sponsor of Film Night in the Park, so it was fitting that the two were honored by the Pacific Sun in the same year.

“We are so proud of both Tom and Patty,” explained APPLE FamilyWorks Executive Director Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, “They are both dear members of the APPLE family.”

“We have very much enjoyed our collaboration with Tom over the past 11 years, bringing families and neighbors together throughout Marin at Film Night’s screenings,” she continued.

“Patty has been a long-time supporter of both Film Night and APPLE FamilyWorks. She chaired our 25th Anniversary Celebration in 2003 and we honored her family with our 2005 Family Friendly Business of the Year Award.”