FWM 2013 04 by FamilyWorks Magazine

Magazine Spring 2013

Where Did My Sweet Little Darling Go?

Power vs. Shared Influence Published by This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

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fiance e D Goes Silent

“It amounted to a huge step backwards,” says Dr. James Sutton, psychologist and founder of The Changing Behavior Network. “I encouraged a young lady to be more direct in expressing her unhappiness with things like school work and chores, rather than remaining silent and doing nothing. When she did make an effort to express her feelings to her mother, however, her mom, called her ‘mouthy’ and was so tough on the girl that the youngster’s right back to her silent defiance of doing nothing at all. “She’s now failing EVERYTHING in school,” Sutton concludes. “It’s like honesty is being punished.” Room to Complain?

There’s no question that the friction between a parent and a headstrong child can create much more heat than light. But if there’s no room for a son or daughter to EVER complain, behavior can go underground. Result: A silent attack that can drive a parent to medication. What’s the solution?

Although a nationally recognized child and adolescent psychologist, author and speaker, Dr. Sutton deeply values his first calling as a junior high school teacher. Today he is in demand for his expertise on emotionally and behaviorally troubled youngsters, and Jump-start a Dialogue his skill for sharing it. Dr. Sutton is the “Silent defiance is the toughest founder and host of The Changing Bekind of behavior to resolve,” Sutton havior Network, a popular internet rasuggests. “Although circumstances dio program supporting young people differ, one thing remains absolutely and their families.He publishes The unchanged: If we can manage to keep Changing Behavior Digest, offering the youngster talking to us, that IS a tips on managing issues with children start.” and teens. Resources (and others) Mom wants Mary to do her home- are available at no cost through his work immediately when she gets website, http://www.DocSpeak.com. home from school. Mary resists, claiming her concentration (especially familyworks.org

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for homework) is not the best when she first comes home. Mom could insist, but Mary could bomb the homework. There’s no winner in that battle - only losers. Could Mary’s attitude in the WAY she communicates with her mother grate on Mom’s overstressed nerves? Absolutely. But it is Mom who can settle things down and perhaps take the first step in turning the situation around. “Mary, I really DO understand,” Mom could say. “We’re all pretty tired, cranky and a bit stressed-out when we first get home. But I’m so afraid that if you don’t do your homework right away, it won’t get done. Your grades aren’t giving you any room for error. So what is YOUR solution, Mary?” Mary might say, “I’d like to have a snack and just “chill” for half an hour, and then do my homework.” What does Mom have to lose by giving Mary a chance to act on her own solution? Wouldn’t Mary be more apt to keep a bargain SHE suggested? Besides, it would make for a much more pleasant evening, right?

Spring 2013

r a e d h S I s u n s r e f v l r u e e n w o ce P by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MS, MFT

Then: “When we first fell in love, we thought everything our partner said was clever, funny, smart, and engaging.” Now: “He thinks I’m stupid.” “She always criticizes me.” “No matter what I do or say, I’m put down.”

Why the Power Struggles?

When we were in school, we expected to be corrected or given advice. At work we expect suggestions from our co-workers. But before long, in an intimate relationship, sweetness sours. We are disappointed and often feel betrayed because that loving man/woman seems to have changed. Perhaps their attitude has changed because their expectations are different. In the early stages of a relationship, not only are we on our best behavior, but we are focusing on one another and having fun. When the honeymoon phase is over - all the challenges of everyday living are upon us – and then some. Particularly when pregnancy and children come along, life REALLY changes. And, if we believe statistics, parents state that their marital satisfaction goes down after children are in their lives. No one is really prepared for the sleepless nights and the constancy of being a mom or dad. Few realize that no matter how hard we try or how loving we are, the children will be sick, upset, or angry with you, their friends, and their life. The satisfaction that you receive from becoming a parent, in the long run, far outweighs our work world, but we may have to wait until we are grandparents, or when our children are in their 30’s, to feel that sense of pleasure for any

Spring 2013

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length of time. But let’s go back to before we have children, if we do at all. Why is it so particularly difficult today for couples to feel they are appreciated – and respected by one another. My theory is this: women’s and men’s responsibilities and pressures are so much greater than those experienced by their parents. Top that off with the wide-spread dissatisfaction and lack of trust in our future and our leaders, it stands to reason that adults (and children) feel uneasy and at risk. They then take this unsettling feeling back home, where decisions need to be made, complex schedules interwoven, and some attempt at relaxation be found. Sadly, home is often not an oasis, but a place that more tension and a sense of hopelessness is found. Before my thoughts depress you, I want to say: all is not lost. The fact is – we become frustrated and upset with one another because we focus outward on all the media saturated doom and gloom. We notice what we do not have, rather than what we do. It is easy to overlook our good fortunes and the potentials to enjoy our relationships. Rather than turn on or turn away from those closest to us, we need to find safe ways of releasing our discontent, rather than taking it home with us. When we feel powerless in the outside world, we need to be careful not to try to enforce unwieldy power at home.

Moving Toward Shared Influence

I would like to introduce a new way of thinking about suggestions or differing viewpoints offered by our partner. First of all, welcome them. They are not intended to be put-downs, even though they may sound like it. If you feel drawn to snap back, take a big

breath and postpone the conversation. “It sounds like we feel strongly about this. (Or I’m feeling uncomfortable right now.) Maybe we can talk about it when we’re more rested? How about at 9 pm?” The best way to settle tension is to avoid defensiveness to the other’s comments. Practice saying to yourself “s/he wants to be helpful.”

Listen

Review what you think the other person thinks and feels. “So, you think I should . . .? I’ll consider that.” “That’s an interesting way to look at that.” “So, you don’t want to . . . but you’d rather . . .? “Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that.” “Good to know.” “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Be Respectful and Avoid Interrogation

“Who told you?” “Where did you read that?”

Put-downs: “You’re wrong.” “How could you say that?” “Don’t be ridiculous.” “That’s stupid.”

Arguing

“It wasn’t the 12th, it was the 13th.” “No, he didn’t say that.”

Negative Body Language

Smirks, grimaces, eye rolling, huffing, tight fists, pointing fingers, glaring, arm waving, etc.

Be Gentle

When the other person feels heard, then respond with conciliatory, appreciative phrases: “Honey, what would happen if . . . ?” “I’ve been thinking it would be nice if we . . .” “Perhaps we could take turns (choosing a movie, restaurant, putting the kids to bed, washing the car, cooking dinner, etc.)” “I can see several approaches here.” “Another point of view could be . . .” “I’d like to think of it as . . . “ Realize your partner is feeling just as disempowered in the world as you. He/she also doesn’t feel listened to or appreciated. Allow your partner to influence you. In this way you are listening and considering various approaches. Each of you can maintain your self-respect without power struggles and avoid feeling wrong, small, discounted, unappreciated, and unloved.

When we feel powerless in the outside world, we need to be careful not to try to enforce unwieldy power at home. familyworks.org

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Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.

Spring 2013

Where Did My Sweet Little Darling Go? by Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT

Parents of preteens have said to me that they woke up one morning and their sweet, compliant, delightful child was gone – replaced by an angry, defiant imposter who responds sarcastically, bickers about everything, and has mood swings that put a trapeze artist to shame! Welcome to the teen years! WHAT IS HAPPENING?

If parents understand that the normal and natural job of the preteen is to move toward independence, it can make the transition much easier for everyone. The preteen enters this transition with the goal of becoming a separate and unique individual, but the birth of this new autonomous person can be tough on the family. CAUGHT IN PUSH-PULL

It helps to keep in mind that the teen is caught in a dilemma that we call “PushPull”. They want you to both go away and to come close – on their terms. On the one hand, they think they are invincible, can do everything for themselves, believe your rules are very stupid, and feel they can do whatever they want. Simultaneously they feel scared, need you right now, ask for guidance, and feel confused about which direction to go. When we get caught in their push-pull, it leaves parents feeling hurt, angry, and wondering what to do. One pitfall that parents and preteens fall into is what we call “H.O.T.” Communication, which stands for Hostile, Op-

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positional, and Tiresome dialogue that springs from the child and, most often, is returned in kind by the parent. “H.O.T. Communication occurs when we are in a part of our brain that makes us feel that we must either fight, flee, or freeze. Unlike the preteen, adults have learned more about self-regulation and can more quickly regain composure. This will take some time for the preteen because hormones are soaring and peer pressure is jacking up their feelings. The signs of “H.O.T.” Communication are both verbal and non-verbal. In fight mode, the verbal sounds like, “I hate you” while the non-verbal can look like body tension, a red face, or clenched fists. In flight mode, the verbal can sound like, “I’m out of here”, while the non-verbal is often someone walking away, eye-rolling, and refusing to talk. In freeze mode, the verbal sounds like, “Whatever”, while the non-verbal often results in arm-folding and silence. WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO H.O.T. COMMUNICATION?

When working with parents and families at APPLE FamilyWorks, we suggest that the parents shift to “C.O.O.L.” Communication: Coach, Open Up, Optimize and Liberate.

COACH

Until now, you have been your child’s manager, providing direction and managing most of their decisions. With a preteen, you make an important shift to being their coach – a less direc-

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Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. She facilitates our parenting classes and specializes in working with couples and families. Call 492-0720 to schedule an appointment.

“C.O.O.L.” Steps Coach

1. Calmly state the principle or value that is the basis of your discussion. Open Up

2. Help the preteen sort out solutions through listening to him/her without judgment. Optimize

3. Make the “When…Then” statement, joining the positive, expected behavior with the positive outcome. Liberate

4. Make the “If…Then” statement, clarifying the consequence of choosing not to do the positive behavior. Hang in there! This can be a time of great potential as your child grows and learns the self-regulating and problem-solving skills necessary for a happy and productive life.

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Spring 2013

Caregiving for a Family Memeber Who Is Severly Ill Avoiding Financial Trials and Traps  by Deborah J. Cornwall

Cancer is an expensive disease that’s fraught with uncertainties. Financial wellness in the face of cancer care requires caregivers to have their eyes wide open in understanding, planning for, and managing cash flow in otder to avoid surprises and moderate caregiver stress. Formal interviews with 86 cancer caregivers and patients and dozens of informal conversations described key factors that caregivers need to anticipate: potential employment disruptions, health insurance, treatment and drug costs, collateral costs (for transportation, child care, lodging and meals if patient care is distant from home, and so on), and financial record-keeping. 1. Employment

Diagnosis and treatment are timeconsuming, with unpredictability about “when” and “how long.” For 10

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people who don’t control their own work schedules, whether caregivers or patients, cancer’s physical and time demands may jeopardize income or even employment itself. The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) allows patient or caregiver to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave if they work for a company with 50 or more employees. Regardless of your employer’s size, talk with your supervisor directly to learn what kinds of schedule flexibility might be arranged and whether your company has an employee “sick leave bank” you might tap. Two useful resources for information and possible help are the Patient Advocate Foundation (www.patientadvocate.org) or the Cancer Legal Resource Center (www. disabilityrightslegalcenter.org).  2. Health Insurance

The Affordable Care Act, passed in

2010, contains a number of provisions in effect now to help cancer patients ensure that they have ongoing coverage that cannot be terminated as a result of a pre-existing condition and face no lifetime reimbursement limits. By January 1, 2014, all Americans will be able to get coverage with no annual reimbursement limit, and coverage for approved clinical trials. Get a copy of the patient’s health insurance policy and review it in detail to learn: Questions to consider to determine what kinds of services for cancer diagnosis and treatment are covered: • For the services that are covered, what qualifiers exist regarding the setting/location where they are covered (inpatient? outpatient? radiation center?) and what reimbursement level Continued on page 18

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Therapy and Life Skills Center Parenting Today We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, n-up practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: g i S • Receive respect & appreciation all or • Increase cooperation C • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed • Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Turning opposition into cooperation • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then” • Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements

onli

4 Mondays: April 15 - May 6, 2013 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Co-Parenting Today

Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Deal with each other respectfully • Increase cooperation • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • Manage constantly shifting schedules • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Design consequences that work • End rudeness & backtalk

Seven Evenings: Mondays April 15 - May 20, 2013 Tuesday May 28, 2013 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

MommyTime Groups Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details. For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week. • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

For information, email mommytime@familyworks.org

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon NOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays APPLE FamilyWorks: English Speaking 10 a.m. to Noon SAN RAFAEL: Tuesdays

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Therapy and Life Skills Center

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy ® (FIT)

“I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand”

Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals. FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills. You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, which may include state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions (with audiovisual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change). You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

Separation and Divorce Support Group Join other women in a supportive environment to help one another through the stages of the divorce process - from contemplation, to separation, to divorce, to “what’s next”. Explore: • Overcoming hurt and anger • Managing anxiety and depression • Reducing stress • Handling difficult co-parenting relationships • Developing a support system Call Julia Whitelaw at (415) 492-0720, ext. 314, or email transitions@familyworks.org, for more information. When: Wedneday evenings March 24 through June 12, 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Location: APPLE FamilyWorks, 4 Joseph Ct. San Rafael, CA. $25 per session. 8 week commitment necessary.

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Therapy and Life Skills Center APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect

• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce

• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence

Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional wellbeing, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development. Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

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(415) 492-0720

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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems • Linkage with others services

Independent Living Skills • Academic growth

• Housekeeping

• Behavior management

• Transportation skills

• Stress Reduction skills

• Community access

• Injury prevention

• Employment readiness

• Nutrition

• Financial management and budgeting

• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care

• Development of social support Systems

Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties

CPR & First Aid Classes Saturdays: CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PM First Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM April 13 or June 8, 2013

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

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Individualized

Parenting Guidance Parenting Consultation 4U &

Co-parenting Consultation 4U Call:

(415) 492-0720 or get more info at

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Autodesk proudly supports APPLE FamilyWorks. Making a Difference At Bank of Marin youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.

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Member FDIC Spring 2013

Busting

u h s o t Ab My

By Patty Tucker, PA-C

Healthy sleep is an essential need in all of our lives, and with it, we are healthier and happier. The Family Sleep Institute busts five sleep myths to help families get better sleep in 2013. Lately we’ve all been hearing and reading a lot about how to get better sleep; and that’s a good thing. Sleep is important. Right up there with exercise and good nutrition, sleep rounds 16

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out “The Big Three” of how to stay healthy and live a long time. We’ve been told over and over that our bedrooms should be cool, dark and quiet. We know we should have a routine and to go to bed at the same time each night. We know we shouldn’t eat a big meal too close to bedtime. We know these things by now -- don’t we? But there are other things about sleep we think we know that may not necessarily be so… Here are 5 Sleep Myths we’d like to bust right now:

p e e l tS

“Falling asleep before my head hits the pillow is a sign of healthy, normal sleep.”

Not necessarily so. Normally it takes 10-20 minutes to fall asleep. Falling asleep immediately is more likely a sign of sleep deprivation, a signal your body needs more sleep than you’ve been getting lately.

“I sleep great; like a log, never moving or waking once during the night.”

Actually, waking 1-3 times during the night is normal. A night of healthy

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sleep is composed of four to five sleep cycles. Between each of these cycles, we naturally come very close to waking or actually wake up completely. We may roll over or adjust the covers. Often, the time we are awake is so short we don’t notice or remember it in the morning. Other times we are more aware. Waking in the night is only considered a “problem” when you have regular difficulty getting back to sleep; again in 10-20 minutes or so. “I don’t get much sleep during the work week but I make up for it on the weekend by sleeping in and taking long naps.”

You may be able to pay off a little of your accumulated sleep debt this way, but it’s still not the same as getting adequate sleep on a regular basis. If your body needs eight hours of sleep and you get only six each night of the week, you are 10 hours in debt by Friday. Most sleep experts agree that you may be able to pay off sleep debt by adding an hour or two of sleep to your nightly quota on a regular basis for awhile, but sleeping in huge chunks is just as likely to disturb your circadian rhythms, making it even harder to maintain regular schedules in the future. Imagine if you ate nothing but salads Monday through Friday and then gorged yourself on everything in the cupboard on the weekends. You might average out your weekly calorie

count this way, but could you really think it is a healthy way to eat? Sleep is like that too… “The sleep aids you can get at the drugstore -- usually called Something PM -- are safe and effective.”

the chaos created during the average day. Genetic research has shown that only 3% of people truly thrive on six hours of sleep or less. The rest are merely “getting by…” Is that what we’re striving for? Getting by?? Or do we want to grow, thrive, and excel? For that we truly need the foundation of sleep – seven to nine hours of it every night. Children and teens need even more. So, tonight as you follow your bedtime ritual, tend to your cool, dark and quiet sleep sanctuary and slip gently into your slumber, you can rest more easily knowing you now know the difference between many sleep myths and sleep truths. Before morning comes, let’s see what else we can dream up! Best Wishes for Peaceful Sleep!

Most over the counter sleep drugs contain an antihistamine, usually diphenhydramine (Benadryl(R)). Diphenhydramine can certainly knock you out, but it’s not the same as normal sleep. From time to time, it may be better than nothing, say if you have severe allergies keeping you awake, but regular use of these products can rob you of the repairing, restorative sleep process you really need. Also, antihistamines can leave you groggy and fuzzy headed during the day. They increase the risk of falls in the elderly. They can lead to urinary retention or Patty Tucker, PA-C, Sleep Coach stress incontinence. There are other and Consultant and Adjunct Faculty of bothersome side effects and taking them regularly can become habit the Family Sleep Institute, is a graduate of the Stanford School of Medicine forming. Physician Assistant Program. The “I get by just fine on six hours Family Sleep Institute is the very first of sleep.” comprehensive yet affordable child We frequently hear this myth spoken sleep consultant certification program out loud; predictably by busy entre- based on 15 years of experience by the preneurs or active social butterflies. leading Child Sleep Expert, Deborah The truth is the typical human body Pedrick. The Family Sleep Institute requires between seven and nine lives up to its name, as it is truly a hours* of sleep time each night to “family” to all graduates who go repair the damage done, restore the through the program. chemicals depleted, and rebalance

Sleep is important. Right up there with exercise and good nutrition, sleep rounds out “The Big Three” of how to stay healthy and live a long time.

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Spring 2013

Caregiving for a Family Member Who Is Severely Ill continued from page 10

exists for each? Verify down to the level of the individual practitioner and the specific service location, since occasionally coding details may make the difference in whether a particular service, at a particular location, by a particular practitioner, is or isn’t covered by a given insurance company. • What pre-authorizations might be needed and from whom for a service or drug to be covered? What requirements or restrictions about where to obtain needed drugs (Cancer Center, oncologist, pharmacy, mail order, other)? For example, if an oral chemo drug is prescribed, ensure that it’s covered before filling the prescription because coverage policies vary widely. • What deductibles and co-pays might be required from you to accompany the insurance payments? A comprehensive list of questions to guide insurance fact-finding can be found at the website for the American Society for Clinical Oncology (www.ASCO. org), under the tab for Managing Costs of Cancer Care. Some disabled individuals may be covered under Medicare (Call 1-800-MEDICARE and ask for transfer to an ombudsman.), and low-income patients may be covered under Medicaid (www.medicaid.gov). 3. Treatment and Drug Costs

Breakthroughs in treatment and improved quality-of-life are advancing through the research pipeline every day, but they’re quickly increasing potential costs. Once you’ve settled insurance coverage questions, be sure to investigate financial resources that might be available to help cover treat-

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ment co-pays, deductibles, and drugs. The first place to look (after asking your medical care team about possible local resources) may be the Partnership for Prescription Assistance, created by pharmaceutical research companies, which catalogs 475 public and private programs, including nearly 200 provided by pharmaceutical companies themselves. These can be accessed online at www.pparx.org or by phone at 1-888-4PPA-NOW.   4. Collateral Expenses

teer drivers to provide transportation. Call 1-800-ACS-2345 or go to www. cancer.org to schedule rides.  For parking and meal support, some major cancer centers provide financial assistance or discounts, which can be accessed through the patient navigator or social work departments. Housing for those traveling to distant locations is often a major challenge. First, check with your physician’s office and the cancer center’s patient navigator or social services department to see if there is an American Cancer Society Hope Lodge (1-800-ACS-2345) or other free housing facility that can be booked through hospital channels. Other housing resources may be found through National Hospital Hospitality Homes (1-800-542-9730), Joe’s House (www.joeshouse.org/lodging), or religious organizations in the target city.

Collateral expenses are usually a function of how far you must travel to reach the cancer center where treatment will be delivered. Even a 20-mile commute into a major city can incur significant expenses in the form of gasoline, parking charges, and onsite caregiver meals. One significant resource to tap (especially for routine chemo or radiation visits) is the American Cancer Society’s Road to 5. Personal Record Keeping   Recovery Program, which taps volunHowever well healthcare providers familyworks.org Magazine

coordinate in delivering professional services, their billing practices will remind you that they’re administratively distinct. You will receive bills and insurance statements from or about individual providers (surgeon, oncologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, hospital for facilities and equipment, and so on) whose names you don’t even recognize. The volume of mail you’ll receive as you’re juggling a flurry of hands-on care-giving activities may tempt you to leave the pile for later. Experienced caregivers say, “Don’t!” Not only might you miss a time-sensitive communication from an insurer that could influence whether or not coverage is sustained or a particular service is covered, but the more you let the paperwork pile up, the more difficult it will be to get it under control later. Think “Flood Warning!” and start bailing as soon as the flow of paper begins.  Experienced caregivers also recommend that you set up files, computer spreadsheets,

and a notebook for keeping track of each service in terms of (at least): • Date • Provider

• Cost, amount billed to the insurer, amount of your co-pay (for tax purposes), remaining balance (if any). • Date submitted to insurance and date you received explanation of benefits.

• Mileage/parking costs (recorded in a small spiral notebook kept in the car, again for tax purposes).  Most of the statements you receive will be informational only (called EOB, or Explanations of Benefits) and won’t be invoices, at least at first. You will want to group paperwork for the same procedure and service date together to make it easier to match the explanations of benefits (from insurer) with the bills you’ll receive later. In addition, you may want to keep a separate record of all household bills

that are paid online, together with the website, log-in name and passwords, credit card number used for each, and so on, so that another member of the care-giving team or a friend can keep the routine bills paid for you if for some reason you can’t do it yourself.   Cancer care is costly, stressful, and unpredictable. Knowing what financial factors to plan for can reduce one source of stress and help minimize financial shocks. That’s what financial wellness is all about. Deborah J. Cornwall is an experienced advocate on behalf of cancer patients and their families, working with the Cancer Action Network, the legislative advocacy affiliate of the American Cancer Society. She is the author of Things I Wish I’d Known: Cancer Caregivers Speak Out. For more information or to purchase the book, go to www.thingsiwishidknown. com.

San Marin Drama Scores Four Medals

San Marin Advanced Drama’s hard work paid off with two gold medals and two silver medals at the 57th annual Lenaea Drama Festival at Folsom Lake College (Feb 1-3 2013). Gold Medal winners, Kyra Nilsen (monologue from

Cast members of Novato’s San Marin Advanced Drama

The Laramie Project by Moises Kaufman) and Julia Raven and Jack Tooley (scene from Biloxi Blues by Neil Simon) presented their outstanding work in front of 1200 participants at a Command Performance Sunday night, February 3. Silver Medals were awarded to Liam Hoefer and Roslyn Myr (scene from Proof by David Auburn) and Kali Grimaldi (monologue from Pterodactyls by Nicky Silver ) for their excellent performances. All 23 students performed their one-act play, CSI:Neverland by Wade Bradford to an enthusiastic audience who couldn’t stop laughing. San Marin Drama teacher, Linda Kislingbury says, “I am so proud of all these students. They have been perfecting their scenes, and monologues, and play for several months.” Don’t miss this talented group of San Marin Drama students in this spring’s drama production of Kaufman and Hart’s, The Man Who Came to Dinner May 3, 4, 6, 10, 11, 13, 2013.

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Spring 2013

5 Super Powers Available to Teensâ&#x20AC;¨ Heroic Abilities Arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Exclusive to Comics

Spring 2013

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Cynical adults may sneer when they say, “Youth is wasted on the young.” But young world-traveler Ryan Pearson sees a more positive message in George Bernard Shaw’s often repeated quote. “I see it as meaning that youth is an opportunity to seize direction, enlightenment, significance and to expand one’s powers,” says Pearson, author of “Green Hope” from “The Element Series,” (www. theelementsseries.com), about a teenager blessed with wealth and fame who discovers he has the added responsibility of super powers. “It’s sad that so many teens get sidetracked by trying to fit in with a crowd, or worrying that they don’t measure up somehow. At a time when they should be enjoying a new sense of independence and capabilities, they’re often paralyzed by self-doubt.” Pearson says all teens have super powers – they just need to recognize them: • Your inner “mutant”:

Many teens like to make a big deal out of not caring what others think about them, precisely because they care about what everyone thinks of them. This can make them sensitive and anxious about how they express themselves and what they enjoy, from what they wear to the music they like to the grades they earn. Embrace what sets you apart! No one else in the world is quite like you. Explore your interests and find what you love – whether or not it’s what other teens love. You’ll get a head start on developing valuable skills.

• “Punisher” fitness training:

You don’t have to be built like the renowned vigilante from the Marvel universe, but you’ll look your best – and feel your best – if you establish a good

exercise routine now. Not only will working out give you a nice physique, it’s a good way to reduce stress and it even gives you a natural high thanks to the release of endorphins ( chemicals that make your brain happy). • Batman’s first rule in fighting:

Despite the fact that it would make his crime fighting much, much easier, the Caped Crusader absolutely refuses to use guns. That’s because a deranged criminal with a gun, shot and killed Bruce Wayne’s parents when he was a child. The result is that his fighting methods are more moral and creative, and he always knows what to do when a quick decision is needed. Getting into the habit of making your own decisions based on your values and your understanding of right or wrong, instead of following the crowd, will help make even the hardest choices easier.

• Cultivate your “spidey” senses:

Teens are naturally impatient, impulsive and impetuous. Slow down! Take your time on the road, in relationships, during confrontations and when contemplating big decisions. Part of why Spider-Man is so fast is that time slows for him during tense situations. Likewise, teens who can slow down emotionally-driven decisions and better understand their consequences, much like a “spidey” sense, will make wiser ones.

• Know your kryptonite:

Some kids just seem to have it all: academic excellence, athletic accomplishments, popularity, and a clear complexion to boot. But everyone has his/her limits, like Superman’s kryptonite. Knowing your limits and learning how to work around them (or strengthen them) is a lifelong challenge for everyone. After completing a Bachelor of Laws degree at age 21, Ryan Pearson took a leap of faith by leaving the beautiful beaches of Australia to travel the world. Eventually, he landed in Montreal for several years before returning home to write about his adventures. He overcame many challenging personal experiences and now embraces an audacious new lifestyle. Pearson writes about his own character arc – involving a supernatural and overzealous way of life – via character Reagan Jameson.

familyworks.org Magazine

Spring 2013

Volunteering at Your Child’s School

By Tiffany Doerr Guerzon

love seeing Mommy or Daddy interacting in their own class, and as a parent, this can be a valuable opportunity to put faces to the names of the kids your child talks about at the dinner table. Other benefits include seeing how the classroom operates, how your child interacts with others, and getting a sense of the teacher’s style. Getting to know—and be known—by the school office staff is helpful as well. Middle school

Schools are always in need of parent helpers in the form of volunteers. But with employment and parenting pressures, it can be difficult to take the time to cut out fall leaves for the Kindergarten classroom. But volunteering for your child’s school does more than help out a busy teacher and give you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Many studies on the effect of parental and community involvement in school have shown an academic benefit for students. The evidence is consistent: students whose parents volunteer in the school setting have been shown to earn higher grades and test scores, have better social skills, and tend to pursue higher education. “The importance of parents volunteering in the classroom is that it helps the child know that the parent is interested in him/her and invested in the child’s education,” said Jim Groth, a member of the California Teachers’ Association Board of Directors and elementary school teacher. Parental involvement in the school does change according to the age and grade level of the student, from helping with craft projects in elementary to selling popcorn at the high school football game. Here’s a breakdown: Elementary

In elementary school parent volunteers can often help directly in the classroom. Kids of elementary school age

Spring 2013

When children enter middle school, parents often stop volunteering in the school. Opportunities are still available, but are different from elementary school. Classrooms are usually closed to parent helpers at the higher grade levels. (Not to mention the fact that many tweens and teens would be mortified by Mom or Dad showing up in their classroom.) In middle school, help is still needed in the areas of fundraising and in parent-teacher organizations. Just by being involved, you show your child that school is important. Plus, by being in the school, you can pick up information to help in guiding your child.

High School

Once children enter high school, parents are relegated to a more supportive role. Volunteering at school events or being involved in fundraising, shows that you care about your child’s world. Volunteering also models community involvement. Parents who lead by example tend to have kids who grow up to be involved in their own communities.

Tips for volunteering

• Spend your time with students equally; try not to favor your own child. • Respect the teacher’s rules. If your child or another student asks to go to the bathroom, etc., refer them to the teacher. This is important for safety. The teacher needs to be aware of where students are at all times. • Minimize disruptions. If your child wants to run up and hug you or crawl into your lap, gently guide

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them back to their assigned task. Avoid texting or answering cell phone calls unless absolutely necessary. • Sign up early if possible. Most schools have a background check and/or paperwork that must be completed before parents are allowed to interact with students. • Confirm with older kids, the level of parental involvement with which they are comfortable. Many teens and tweens regard school as their turf, and they may be happier if you stay behind the scenes. If you are unable to volunteer during school hours: • Check with teachers or office staff about tasks that can be completed at home. Teachers often need help with daily tasks, or you could help with the school newsletter or website.

• Attend parent-teacher conferences and open houses. Nothing can replace face time with your child’s teacher. • Join the PTA or Parents Club. Meetings keep you in touch with what is going on behind the scenes of the school and you can voice your opinion on school matters. • Be involved at home by talking to your child about school, helping with homework and monitoring after school activities. • Offer your talents. If you work in marketing, maybe you can help with flyers. If you are an artist, perhaps a teacher could use a hand with art projects. Are you a great cook? Offer to organize a potluck dinner for teachers and staff on the nights they work late for conferences or donate cupcakes to the school bake sale. For more information: www.PTA. org

Tiffany Doerr Guerzon is a freelance writer and mother of three school age children. Read more of her writing at www.TDGuerzon.com. familyworks.org Magazine

Spring 2013

familyworks.org Magazine