Tri-State Horrorscopes

TRI-STATE

HORRORSCOPES

NO MATTER YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, THINGS AREN'T EXACTLY LOOKING UP THIS MONTH

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

The FBI will unexpectedly raid your home and uncover your extensive frog dissection collection for all the world to see. Just go ahead and become a serial killer, already.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)

Despite a complete lack of political experience, you will be approached to run as a candidate in the midterm elections. Actually, you should fit right in - doesn't matter which party.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will be kidnapped and taken to a remote location where your captors will demand that you name all 18 songwriters credited to the creation of Beyoncé's "Alien Superstar" off her new album Renaissance or die. Nice knowin' ya.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You will also be kidnapped and tasked with trying to stay awake for all nine innings of a Major League Baseball game or face execution. Start picking out your burial plot.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Completing the tri-fecta of kidnappings this month, you'll be required to read a Mitch Albom book from beginning to end without retching; otherwise, it's lights out. Be sure to tell your family and friends that you loved them.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Much like the prime minister of Finland, you will be criticized for dancing at a party. Unlike her situation, it's because you have exactly zero moves like Jagger. But plenty like Elaine Benes.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You diligently follow current events. Sadly, while that keeps you in the loop and impresses those around you, it also means you can't escape Yahoo's inexplicable coverage of Ashlee Simpson's every move. This will have a cumulative detrimental effect on your health this month and doctors won't be able to save you. She sends her condolences, though.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)

In front of a close group of friends and colleagues, you will clumsily misread a headline aloud about a Tacoman who committed a terrible crime and is on the run, informing said group that an armed and dangerous "Taco Man" is terrorizing the Northwest. You will not be close with these people much longer.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)

This will be a very bad month for you. No particular reason.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)

Your significant other will get on a big-ass fuchsia kick - no other color will do. Any suggestion to the contrary will not end well for you. F-YOUchsia!!

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox will be named your godparents. Dear god.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)

On a trip to the Northwest, you will come faceto-face with the dreaded Taco Man. A rather crunchy conclusion to a life well-lived.