brought to you by bathimpact Issue 3
www.bathimpact.co.uk facebook.com/bathimpact
Wednesday 28th September 2016
01225 386 151
Out of the Gutter, into the Jungle The first night of freshers everyone is so keen to get into the main event to queue, and queue and more queueing to see the chip shop boys, AGAIN. One fresher decided that if she was going to queue, she was going to queue hard. She was such a queue baller that she managed to break her ankle before even getting into the event. Talk about first year efficiency. Why have a great night watching pyrotechnics not go off when you can spend the evening regretting your life choices in A and E? There is a trend going on with you lot it seems, with another fresher from Eastwood deciding that instead of paying for expensive plastic surgery, she would instead fall over flat on her face to get that nose job, courtesy of the NHS. Hey, whatever it takes to be pretty and get laid is fine by us, we are ALL about the body positivity. Remember our quote for the first mintyfresh on having their first kiss and we called bullshit? Well the flat in question D3 decided that one lie wasn’t enough. “We snorted whatsits” and “Everyone got their dicks out
except me as I have respect” isn’t going to make us believe you any more. However there are some facts you gave us that we can’t deny, and “Harambe died for our sins” from Banana-Sam is definitely one that we can all agree on. Banana-Sam didn’t stop at just idolising a gorilla, he also took us on a whirlwind journey of his many strong feelings on the #Brangelina divorce, as you should. Forget the Clinton v Trump debate, a celebrity divorce is WAY more important. Not content with just expressing his sadness, he decided that he would put pen to tissue and spread his “inner feelings” around the flat. Everyone needs a hobby I suppose and it makes a change of most freshers favourite activity of sleeping with their housemates. Hugh from Conygre managed to stumble back to his flat after way too many jagerbombs, take off all his clothes, and crawl into - yep, you guessed it, the wrong bed in the wrong bedroom. In harsh daylight the embarrassment proved to be too much for pour little Hugh, who ran out of there so fast
Shout-out to the boys of Norwood floor 8 who came back to their flat striding with pride from what seemed to be a very successful first Freshers Week night, full of booze, blonds and beerpong. Nothing looks as good as that glow you get after getting laid for the first time at university. Unfortunately for Norwood 8, celebrations ended at breakfast thanks to some lovely words of encouragement on the University of Bath Secret Admirers’
Facebook page: “To the person from Norwood floor 8 I had last night, get some practice in, my vibrator has a better hip motion”. Brutal, but to the point, we like it, do you write for mintyfresh? When asked about this one guy promptly replied ‘we are just going to say it’s Jake’, yeah mate, cause THAT doesn’t sound guilty at all. We suggest that the best way to practice guys is to get your own vibrator, yeah its a pain in the ass but you will love it.
he left a fresher-shaped hole in the door, and all of his belongings behind - including his clothes - and restlessly stumbled around Westwood’s ugly grounds until he could put two neurons together and figure out where it is that he lives.. Also, you are in Westwood, you are next to a nursery, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! And you know mintyfresh, we are all about protecting the younglings from your many, many , many bad choices!
Norwood Needs Sex Ed
Today’s Timetable 10am - 4pm Sports Day Parade 7pm - 10pm Murder Mystery Claverton Rooms 7pm - 10pm Film night 3E 2.1 10pm - 2am Rock/Metal Night The Plug and The Tub 9pm - 2am Main Event Founders Hall “It’s Bath Time”
Welcome to the Jungle mintyfresh... fresher than sex with an Polar Bear
URB Thought of the Night
Picture this: You’re wandering, lonely as a cloud, hungover munchies long satisfied by that oh-so delicious free BBQ. You’re alone, not a friend in sight. Through that thin flip flop you feel a tiny vi-
bration. You strain your ear. A beat, so fine, so deep, so melodic that you can’t help but drop your peas, your beans and gravitate towards it. Before you know it, your feet are carrying you away, away
Fresher of the night
from the warm, warm bed you have been dreaming about in the drizzle all day. Nothing matters any longer. As you walk, the music gets stronger, your feet get faster, your route is set. Your arms begin to involuntarily move, a sudden jerk with your face buried into your elbow, the music is too much, it takes hold. You hurry through a small walkway, entranced by the warm inviting glow at the end and suddenly you emerge, out in the clearing, blinded by the brightness. Shielding your face you see a stark headphoned silhouette carved into the light. Your mates, being the absolute legends they are, are waiting for you, welcoming you with arms open wide. You’ve found your mecca. You’ve found URPre.
Hall of the Night
mintyfresh highlights What animal would describe you in bed?
“A donkey as I will disappoint you emotionally” Don’t be ridiculous frehser, you’ll disspoint us physically too.
“A fish as I will forget your name by morning” This guy is an absolute catch.
Everyone has a funny story now and then, but no one will have disappointed their parents more than Jack from Derhill. Jack decided, after no sleep and sit ups at 8 am, that the best way to meet and greet a bunch of school children by the nursery in Westwood is to do Vodka shots. When the inevitable security came a-knocking, jack handed in his belt rather then his library card, probably because he wanted a good spanking for being such a bad boy. He also took an excursion into town, giving the taxi driver a nice head massage along the way. Giving head and spanking, Jack you are well deserving of Fresher of the night.
Apart from the unoriginality of dressing up in the most clichéd animal, Halls of the Night go to the Tigers of Derhill 2. After the quads chatted shit about Westwood yesterday, these felines decided they would get their revenge by “trading” (or as we spell it: s-t-e-a-l-i-n-g) some of the coveted Quads beanbags, to the soundtrack of quado’s yelling “WE PAID FOR THIS SHIT”. Come on now Quads, Mummy and Daddy paid for that shit. They also seem to have been the centre of all gossip, much to the delight of mintyfresh. Remember this freshers, never trust a pussy.
“A Stallion” Well this Crew member obviously has a high opinion of himself, you do realise you’re not allowed to sleep with the fresh right?
More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the bathimpact page on Facebook at the following address: www.facebook.com/bathimpact