brought to you by bathimpact Issue 1
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Monday 26th September 2016
01225 386 151
Freshers’ Week is finally here, FWuck It’s that time of the year again, when a million little babies take their first step into pretend adulthood and move into those horrifying buildings we call accommodation. Aaah, don’t you just love the smell of awkwardness and sexual tension in the morning? On a scale of one to Usain Bolt, how quickly did you get rid of your mum so that you could go flirt with that hot girl in the room next door, who has already bought a gym membership AND does cheerleading? Speaking of sex, we’re glad to see that the social hierarchy imposed by choice of halls doesn’t get in the way of romantic aspirations. The girls from cheap(er) ol’ Solsbury’ B block were desperately trying to get the posh Quads B residents to come over last night for pres - and can you blame them? Quads rent is 153 a week, so imagine how much daddy makes in year! Half an hour of strategically placing post-its on the kitchen window later, the message was received. Let’s be honest their mothers probably won’t approve, but it’s all very Romeo and Juliette guys, and we wish you the same happy ending. We’re particularly curious about news from a certain
source who informed us that some crew have a date with the Vice Chancellor (may god have mercy on their souls, which she will inevitably devour). Apparently it’s a bright idea to climb out of a window onto the roof of quads with your freshers. A good example, boys and girls, of when you shouldn’t behave like a fucking idiot for the sake of a few laughs. Their isn’t a parkour society yet, maybe you can start one before you get expelled #lads. On the topic of the Vice Chancellor, we were really dissapointed to learn that Glynis didn’t show up for her specially reserved DJ set in the Claverton Rooms. Luckily some Freshers’ Week crew and captains were on hand to help out and lay on some sick beats, you fucking legends. Rumours abound on her no show, maybe she had more important things to do, or maybe she left her couldron on. Freshers have been known to bring some interesting things to campus, like a vegan bringing a cheese grater (just in case she needs a nice anecdote to bring up the fact she is a vegan). But nothing tops the ‘sex machine’ that Sophie from Woodland sneaked in. She may protest that is a horse riding machine,
“Horse riding machine” is the new Netflix and chill
Solsbury freshers trying to get some “mood lighting” action well she got the riding part right. We heard that the Brendon Court residents despise you all so much already that they have begun to fraternize with the enemy. “What?!” we hear you cry? Well, one fresher thought that the fuckton of first years moving in this weekend wouldn’t provide enough entertainment, and so decided to invite some of their “home friends” for the night, and you thought your were the popular one eh? These slightly disoriented Loughborough University students (I mean seriously? Loughborough?) were super excited for one last night of drinking, dancing, and more drinking with their besties from six-form. That is until all of them - and I do mean all of them - managed to displace all of the essentials. I’m talking phone, keys, ID, wallet, the whole package. Brandon Court never leaves a puppy out in the cold though, and generously let the freshers from another mother sleep in the communal area. They were a sight for sore eyes in the morning - the crew loved it.
Today’s Timetable
10am - 3:30pm Wristband collection The Tub 11am - 5pm Campus Challenge All over campus 7:30pm - 10:30pm Film night 3E 2.1 8pm - 11pm Pop Punk Night The Tub 10pm - 2am Launch Party Founders Hall “Show your colours!” 8pm - 10pm URPres Quads
ARRIVALS WEEKEND mintyfresh... fresher than a dildo made of ice
Let me take you Backstage
mintyfresh highlights Quotes of the night “Fuck the points I’ll draw a penis on my shirt” - The sesh master in Woodland Someone is obviously over compensating for something.
First Love If you’ve spotted people running around, wearing black, and pushing heavy cases then you have been witness to one of the rare gems of Freshers Week - a Backstager in the wild, having fun nights with freshers (No not that - get your mind out of the gutter you dirty fuckers). A site rarer than the Vice
Chancellor moonwalking into The Plug - which happens after each newspaper university ranking is published (except for the NSS, someone is slipping, Glynis) - the Backstager is normally a nocturnal being. No not the nocturnal crew who are only in it for the club nights, but the nocturnal being who still
Fresher of the night
Hall of the Night
Everyone loves a good bit of Disney but this one fresher has taken this a bit far into a realm no one wants - a fetish. Having brought a rabbit with a massive dick that would make the hyper masculine fuckwits envious to university, this westwood fresher decided re-enacted the opening lion king scene. You know, the drematic raising of a cub on a big ass rock. Like that, but with less children and more dick. Us at mintyfresh applaud his attempt to put the D in Disney, just no-one tell the furries.
Whilst a close second goes to the Solsbury flat who elected (probably wisely) not to let us in at all, hall of the night goes to Woodland. Who knew that the main issue for freshers is whether Smirnoff Lime tastes like Dettol? Having that one dude who gets a hard-on over describing in detail how “totally fucked” he is having had “about half a bottle of voddy, mate” can get pretty boring, but we can gloss over that, this time. They seemed to having a good night and not leaving to head to town like a lot of you, you traitors.
lives with their mum drinking mountain dew playing WOW. Fuelled entirely by caffeine, sugar, and a raunchy fetish for sexy tech talk, the students of Backstage Technical Services have been working all summer to prepare for Freshers Week thanks to a number of phone calls so high that it would make a sex line jealous - and we know ALL about sex lines… I mean what? Shut up I have a girlfriend. BTS have spent arrivals weekend preparing the venues in time for launch night on Monday. You’re welcome. Whilst the chief pyrotechnician has been ensuring that her ”flashy flashy bang bangs” (I’m pretty sure she’s qualified) are in the right place, the head of sound continues to make sure that her subs aren’t going to send Freshers flying like skittles when the beat drops which to be honest, would be quite funny for everyone not involved. Let’s not forget the light guy, quietly sobbing in the back after seeing the location of the aforementioned pyrotechnics. To sum up nicely, we are exhausted and you better not set fire to our fucking set, that’s the pyro’s job. Enjoy freshers week and if you want to express gratitude, bring a stiff scotch (the alcohol or the hunk, both work) to 1E 3.4.
“I had my first kiss last night” - Westwood Womancer LIES! You are a fucking lier, no one has ever kissed you.
Over Sharing “Never have I ever shagged someone over 44” Bit awkward when this Brendon Court Fresher was the only one to drink, well at least the MILF’s know where to party.
Crew Awards The award goes to all the crew that already have had their wristbands cut off. Well done, you are idiots.
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