brought to you by bathimpact Issue 2
www.bathimpact.co.uk facebook.com/bathimpact
Tuesday 27th September 2016
01225 386 151
BREAKING: One Fresher, Eighteen holes Fresher’s week is not known for sporting exploits, but one lucky fresher really got to taste one of the 18 holes. This particular brave Birdie managed to sink a hole in one on the golf course, already, going above and beyond the call of duty. But when you consider that the balls he was busy polishing belonged to his boss’ son, his accomplishment becomes all the more impressive. Let’s just hope his boss doesn’t see the scorecard, because I’m not sure that she envisioned her son getting this high of a score within his first 3 days at university. One might say that the residents of Quads get a bad wrap. Sure, they are spoiled, have no concept of the value of money and have their own personal butlers, there’s nothing wrong with being rich, right? One Fresh-faced chap from Quads made sure to put other, less privileged freshers in their place, likening his short 2 week stay in Westwood to a Gulag. Come on guys, Show your Colours is all about being true to yourself, and we love it when freshers do just that.
Rather than pretending to be something he’s not, a certain Quads fresher strode in, brown brogues a-polished and coloured chinos a-swinging, hefting a bottle of Moët for pre-drinks. There really is something refreshing about a gentleman who is so oblivious to social stereotypes that he is willing to fulfil every one with gusto. He still got laid though. The Quad Squad have also made the bold claim of having the ‘best bants’, for which we got no evidence. “We don’t have to share a bathroom” isn’t the best bants. Quads, stick to what you know, mood lighting and stealing each other’s furniture. As if that wasn’t bad enough, poor chat usually implies poor pulling skills. It didn’t take long for the residents of Quads to finally admit that none of them have any real game, Dan the Man was particularly open about his lack of success with the line ‘Are you a polar bear? Because you’re gonna break the ice’. Does that even count as a chat up line? I’m pretty sure that’s a joke social pariahs use to try to make friends. Having said that, his mate
Body builder emasculating our Editor-in-Chief #feminsim
The Quads or as we like to call them: Fuquadss Chris admitted that if he could he would leave his girlfriend for Dan the man, but maybe Chris needs to do some soul searching (or cottaging) and face up to these feelings. From what we’ve gathered, you Freshers (excluding Quads obviously) have been rather naughty and have had no qualms with sleeping around, that is, except Charlie who got fucked, but not in the good way. He ended up being carried home from town. You know what, I commend his friends, I can barely be arsed to carry a backpack up the hill, let alone and drunk person I only met two days ago. Anyways, we’re happy to see that Minty Fresh is back on the Fresher’s Week radar as Bath Uni’s most exclusive popularity contest and that you all want to get your sweaty faces in the next issue. One Norwood fresher begged us for a first-name mention, which would have happened had he not been so unimaginative. Oh you had anal this weekend did you? I have anal most nights not that interesting mate.
Today’s Timetable 11am - 4pm Inflatables Archery Field/ University Lawn 12pm - 6pm City tours Meet at Bath Spa train station 7pm - 9.30pm Film night - The Avengers 3East 2.1 8pm - 11pm Postgrad Cocktails Opa 10pm - 2am Main Event - Welcome to the Jungle
founders Hall
Show Your Colours mintyfresh... fresher than sucking on a popsicle
U R -Party of the Night b
Okay, not that we condone self-promotion or anything, but URB’s pre drinks - or URPres as the kids are calling it these days, were arguably the highlight of the evening. If your tiny little hungover brains can remember anything from last night, let’s hope it’s not the hour and a half between 8 and 9.30 where our DJ was dancing with himself - and not in a cool Billy Idol way. It didn’t take long for the multicolored crowd to come down from their messy kitchens and appreciate the sick beats URB put togeth-
Fresher of the night
There are few people who can keep mintyfresh’s attention, but by god, Levy from Quads 3 was an absolute baller and we were entertained by him all night. A real knight in shining armour, he would literally pick up girls. Also he regaled us with a tale that all his flat took a communal bath together on Saturday. They must’ve taken the FW logo as a challenge. Levy also gave us the name of the hottest fresher at said #BathTime but we don’t believe it was a fair challenge as we weren’t there and we rock a naked sexy off.
er though, and we’d like to give our special thanks to the sweet fresher from wherever who let everyone know UR-Pres was also his birthday party (even though it definitely wasn’t, URB doesn’t really give a flying fuck about you, soz.). Here at Bath Media we pride ourselves on our ability to play cupid, and we are especially proud of our mate Eugene from Quads B, who found love with not one but two lovely young ladies at the UR-pres in less than 30min. Congrats, we wish this threesome the best of luck.
Hall of the Night
After not letting us in last night, Solsbury decided that they would be fun today by wearing hard hats. Well fun is a stretch but we do appreciate the dedication to yellow. Now we aren’t the fashion police (who are we kidding, the Editor is gay, we are going full blown fashion police) but channelling Bob the Builder probably wasn’t the best move. However, they were more interesting than most of the other halls who only wore their penis covered halls T-shirts, so kudos Solsbury, you rock that Bob the Builder couture.
Nothing says welcome to Bath like rain. If mintyfresh were religious, which we only are when it comes to free Tea and Toast from the Chaplaincy (let’s be honest, if Hell existed we would be first in line, we are twats), we would think that the Freshers’ Week Event Managers had communed with God to give their “Bath time, make a splash” rhetoric that much needed extra hammering home. GET IT GUYS, LIKE A BATH, LIKE WE ARE IN BATH, APPRECIATE OUR MAGNIFICENT MARKETING PROWESS. So when Campus Challenge came around today, the drizzle made it that much more of a mission for student groups to show freshers that they are the cream of the crop. Bake Soc (which we assume were there, we didn’t check) got a few soggy bottoms. But, throughout all of this, the student groups endured God’s fuck you to student engagement. Showcasing that, no matter the recurring shitty weather, student groups can do anything. Well except for bar crawls, because the SU can’t be seen to promote drinking (student groups have to call them tours or some shit). And except for drugs, because why try to educate students when you can’t just have a blanket ban. Fuck your testing kits and keeping students safe, let’s just be all Tory about it. And initiations, the sport “Welcome Socials” need some good old fun policing from the SU. So apart from the SU acting like your mum, student groups have shown their mettle. They will still prop up this event no matter the weather.
mintyfresh highlights Quotes of the night ‘Small penis, big disappointment’ Sorry Harry, guess you shouldn’t have been showing off/lying about your bedroom skills.
Pick-Up Lines ‘Red in the sack, but yellow at heart’ No matter how many Quad birds Ronnie sleeps with this year, he’ll always end up marrying a Solsbury gal.
Trust is Earned “Don’t trust media” Paranoid Eastwood A Fresher. Well fuck, have you read the spiel we make? You should never trust us. We are like that creepy uncle, but hotter.
Science graduate “I swear I got drunk on non-alcoholic beer” I don’t know how good you are at your degree, but it isn’t looking well for you.
More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the bathimpact page on Facebook at the following address: www.facebook.com/bathimpact