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Tuesday 30th April 2013
bite bathimpact.tumblr.com
bite Editorial: eternal haze This issue of bite aims to explore, in various ways, the ideas of dream and reality and how our everyday we are consumed with these thoughts. Hi there, my name is Benjamin Charles Hooper (hoops to anyone who agrees that Ben is a boring name). Some of you may not know this, but I have often been accused of tailoring my absurd writing style towards a very small audience of absurd people, those people who almost purposefully destroy their own lives, people who purposefully live in a state of ‘non-reality’. I’m sure those who like to psychoanalyse might relate these afflictions to some repressed childhood issues or absolute fear of actually committing to the rat race. Admitting this fear and committing isn’t scary because you can’t attach yourself to things, but because you can, your fear of eventual detachment encourages you to flee from exactly the thing you want. Ultimately the fear is based within some sort of struggle to find self-worth, the path that you desire and the ‘truth’. The pursuit of these things for me at least, has often struck me as a solitary path; it at least seems much more romantic that way. All these things, these analyses fundamentally are based upon the social constructs we’ve been laden with since birth, supposedly at one point mankind wasn’t faced with this dilemma, but upon the path of enlightenment, or whatever you want to call it, this seems to be a natural process. So we are faced with this environment, the ideas and physical manifestations of straight lines and language we have created. We create things that uniformly represent our desire for uniformity and our language helps us explain all these things. People constantly moan at each
A nibble of bite
other, for being on different paths in life. Those who desire a life as a vagabond as opposed to those who join the rat race, get a sturdy job and raised model children. Alan Watts, part of the universes’ human project, was often concerned that as modern humans we’re locked in to some sort of non-reality, within what we see as reality, and how many humans regard our existence on earth as something wholly unearthly, that we are somehow disconnected and non-related to the earth we live within. He used the example of the common phrase, “I was put on this earth” and the idea that many young children ask their parents “who made me”, as if they aren’t an intricate part of everything. Which is opposite to what Watts ultimately argues, which is that the idea of God being within all of us. His ideas on religion are certainly not that cut and dry and neither is anything he says, so take what I’m saying with a pinch of unicorn hoof. It’s just here to make you engage in the idea, as is the word hoof. My argument needs to come back round to my original idea, I seek out the absurd, yes, yes, probably because of strange dick related Freudian things but ALSO, I have an inherent desire to change things in some way. The thing that blows my mind now, is that earlier today I probably would have rounded this off by declaring I can’t change anything; but after reading Watts’ ‘The Nature of Consciousness’ I know I will have an effect on the grand plan, the human project. Knowing you need to be enlightened is enough to start you upon and enlightened path. Watts likened this human path to an electric current running along a cable, the whole world round – alerting us to the fact, that the current can only
This weeks’s theme is... Dreams and Reality. This week bite reminds the dreamsy students of Bath that they are indeed in a dream world, in fact in some sort of limbo between the dream of secondary school (its foreign equivolents) and the ‘real’ world (and its foreign equivolents) On page 5 Iwan Best explored the ideas of reality in film, Helen Edworthy puts social media’s ‘real’ influence in perspective. Levi Roots gives us an inisight into the world of business and John Barlow, a home grown westcountry poet supplies home grown verse on page page 12.
It’s not goodbye it’s farewell for now, but until summer...
travel if indeed at the other end the cable is connected to itself. So, ultimately, we are connected, eternally to our beginning and our end. The race we are part of is long, but has a higher plane. This is something since beginning to educate myself about the renaissance and other spikes in the general philosophical movements of mankind that I have generally thought that since the digital age, we are on the verge of our next revolution. I’m not sure what it will be yet. I’ll keep you posted. Alan illustrated this point by pointing out that people once believed the world was flat, without much reservation, and concluded that “Well, in a few years, it will be a matter of commons sense to many people that they’re one with the universe. It’ll be so simple. And then maybe if that happens, we shall be in a position to handle our technology with more sense. With love instead of with hate for our environment”. Anyway, enough of the brain destroying stuff and on with the issue. On page 2 Tom Gane explores some less ‘wet’ stuff with a reality check, and on the ensuing pages Helen Edworthy and Iwan Best explore similar ideas about dreams and our reality in terms of the things that we create. I hope you enjoy the first issue of my tenure and I look forward to seeing you all again in September.
To get involved in bite and hear the playlist for this issue, head over to our facebook group at www.facebook. com/bathimpactbite Or email us at impact-bite@bath.ac.uk
Blog of the week: http://stuffonmyrabbit.tumblr.com/ Ever wondered how many you people you could entertain by just taking pictures of ‘stuff on your pet’ and blogging it? that questrion is unanswerable, but this blog has 27 pages worth of good times. Some of the best rabbit-topitems bite’s seen are: Plastic comestibles: tick. Pancake: tick Collander: tick. Calculator: tick. Banana: tick. Ice cream cone: tick. Ample christmas themes: tick. WMD: NOT YET.
Things to... Watch: Vikings ! (The History channel’s encomium to legendary Norse hero, Ragnar Lodbrok) That’s all! Read: Ghana Must Go by Taiye Selasi, a fictional tale of a Ghanaian family struggling to make a life in America. The Democracy Project by David Graeber: current thought on the anti-capitalism Listen: Early John Martyn’s first two albums and Nick Drake‘s only three and only albums are sure to put you in a dream like state and have no bearings on reality
It’s the last issue of bite ALL SUMMER, the guide is limited as far as the entire summer is concerned, so we’ve had to pick the creme of the crop. Check out the guide for worthier exam procrastination than Facebook. Also, if you’re free on May 24th, get to The Exchange in Bristol, for some good old fashioned happy go lucky pop punk for the quite recently refomed Allister.
Best quotes from our heads
New Release:
“Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the “good life”, whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.”
Fall Out Boy explore a new sound on Save Rock and Roll
It’s been a good year at Bath, let us go forth and multiply? Actually, remembr what Hunter S. Thompson said (above) use contraceptives. bite bids farewell to it’s outgoing editor and welcomes in a new era. Let us rejoice.
Their long awaited fourth album, Aptil 29th
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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We’re forever blowing bubbles bathimpact.tumblr.com
Written by Tom Gane
Just as that guy at the new years party sang over and over again “slip inside the eye of your mind, don’t you know you might find a better place to play.” Or was it Wonderwall?
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riends. Colleagues. Esteemed gentlemen and ladies of Gondor. We live in a bubble. A bubble full of 3am library sessions to meet deadlines. A bubble in which the alarm clock goes off 15 minutes before our first lecture and if we don’t wake up we are chastised only by our ever diminishing consciences. A bubble in which we get to dictate our work around our drinking and dictate our drinking around how much of our free money is left. To many this may seem ridiculous. To many we are simply grafters. Taking advantage of our so called education, to get a free ride for a few years. A few years that will mostly comprise of sleeping, drinking, dancing and, for those without troubling issues such as my face, my body and my personality, sex. However, we also serve a valuable purpose. Who else would the older middle class chastise when they get bored of the working class? Who else would keep knock-off jäger sellers in business? Who else would blindly and ignorantly shout loudly about left wing issues, purely so we could keep ourselves in Hollister clothing to be instagramned on our smart phones? I guess as usual, I took the joke too far, but the point stands. We are incredibly lucky to be living the life we live. Just last week three people died in Boston because they decided to cheer along those who were completing an arduous task for charity. The families of those people who died in the bombings had their lives changed forever. Those who were falsely identified as suspects (see our editorials for more information you lecherous dogs, we know you just go straight for the horoscopes and the puzzles) also had an incredible amount of stress put on themselves and their families. Even just focussing on this disregards the countless others who died in similar situations in all corners of the globe because they needed to get water, or buy food, or go to worship the God of their choosing. As a country, neigh, as western civilisation we are too often guilty of taking our situation for granted. For assuming that clean drinking water and plentiful, albeit Tesco Value, food is a given. That each of us will be granted an education. That each of us will be allowed to worship our deity of choice. That we can go where we want to go, curse who we want to curse, fuck who we want to fuck. As a western culture we are always guilty of this, but within it we are also incredibly out of touch. Andrew Lansley, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove are ignorant posh boys who live in a little Eton flavoured world in which their actions have no consequences, and Gideon is their smirking overlord (I’d include DC in this list, but I think that he honestly believes he’s doing the right thing, he’s just misguided). I’m pretty sure that most of George Osbourne’s dreams involve him wield-
ing a sceptre that rips the souls out of anyone who’s not from a Russell Group and then feeds them to his dogs, Richard and Littlejohn (that’s not a Robin Hood reference, ironically it’s literally the exact opposite). The recent changes to Welfare were horrific. They demonised those who had no way to defend themselves. The main focus of the debates has been how it affected those were unemployed and those on welfare, but I’m not going to focus on these areas (that’s not to say they aren’t important, it’s just there are many articles readily available written by people who are far more articulate than me and also far more knowledgeable about the subject… Jesus Lana, read a book), but I’m going to bring up something you guys may not know of. The disabled are being shafted by the Tory’s. Shafted like the miners were shafted by Thatcher (too soon isn’t a thing and who cares, it’s a pun). I apologise if this seems as if I’m portraying the disabled as a group that can’t fight for themselves, in fact the reason I’m aware of this are people on Twitter such as Francesca Martinez (a disabled comedian) making me more aware, but it is just an issue I feel has been unrepresented. These cuts create a lethal cocktail for the disabled, a sharp fall in housing benefit, the closure of the Independent Living Fund, reductions in benefits and the end of many essential local services. Iain Duncunt Smith has stated that he’s “not scared to light the fuse on disability reform” and that “the system is riddled with abuse and fraud”. I’m sorry, but what the fuck does he know? Has Iain Duncan Smith ever been on benefits, disabled or otherwise? Other than a few numbers that were obtained from studies, that given recent revelations about what the Tory’s believe to be credible (this is a shout out to you Reinhart and Rogoff) are probably bullshit, what real world information do they have? The issue is that none of the cabinet has any ideas about what being on any sort of benefits is like. How difficult it can be to find the enthusiasm to better yourself when, according to your government, you should be ashamed of yourself? How working hard to get good grades in Eton is a little less hard than working hard to get good grades in Liverpool? It’s not necessarily the current cabinets fault (although they are still cunts); it’s a general issue of our political structure. The people who rise to the top were born to rise to the top. The people creating policy have no experience of how the policies actually affect people outside of a spread sheet. They’ve been living in a dream world. How many of them have had to actually struggle to get where they are today? How many have been on benefits? Fuck that, how many have even been on minimum wage? Admittedly, neither have I, rendering this whole process rather pointless. “No!” I hear the NUS cry out! “We are here to represent the
students! The left! The common man!” Bullshit. Not to sound like Hemmingway, but I was at the last demo and it was pretty fucking pathetic (you weren’t there man, you weren’t there, you don’t understand). There was a protest and there was a reasonable amount of people protesting. The problem was that people weren’t entirely sure what they were protesting for. The problem was people weren’t sure who they were angry at. The problem was that most people were instagraming pictures of the protest in just the right sort of way that you could just about see their Hollister hoody and Starbucks latte along with their socialist fury! “Fuck the Torys! Fuck the corporations! Fuck the system… although give it a few minutes, I’m only one stamp away from a double shot half soy caramel Marxiatto”. That’s the issue. We’re a fucking embarrassment. The fact we’ve even had a referendum on the NUS shows it’s gone too far. We’re out of touch. We’re as bad as the Torys. We live in a little dream world in which we think a few retweets and angry blog posts will make a difference. That shouting for a few seconds about something that briefly captured our imagination will do anything other than provide a bridging gap between cat pictures. We’re detached from a lot of society. Don’t get me wrong most university students are, but I have the feeling that we here at Bath are particularly guilty of it. “I don’t get what everyone’s complaining about, I haven’t noticed a difference in my Bath home or my Guildford Home”. We’re a little studenty bubble inside a city wand encased in a country sized box which on a truck that encompasses western civilisation and it’s headed towards a mushroom cloud sized clusterfuck. Put our campus in parts of Wales, Scotland or the midlands/the north and I’m pretty sure people would change their tune slightly. Put one of us in somewhere like Somalia and we’d be so eager to sell our story that we’d agree to spit roast Baroness Thatcher’s corpse with Harry Styles if it’d get us on the front page of The Mail. By the way, I’m just as guilty of it as everyone else and I fucking hate myself for it. I’m not saying you’re a bad person. I’m not saying you should drastically change how you live. What I’m saying, as this article suggests, is fuck all. I’m just saying be aware. We live in a dream bubble in a dream bubble in a dream bubble, and we should probably pop it and wake up. What you do when you wake up is up to you. Donate a shit load to charity. Think about it all next time you’re going to complain about a deadline. Hook yourself up to a vodka IV drip. Whatever, I don’t give a fuck. Just wake up.
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Tuesday 30th April 2013
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A world wide dream world world
bathimpact.tumblr.com
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he thing is, we all know how to use the internet – and if you don’t, you are kidding yourself. Granted, there is still the odd person who types Google into Google when they’re already on the website itself, but even this stems from a basic knowledge of what search engines are for. I would argue that it is basically impossible to manage not to have worked out how to use the internet at this point. The question is, however, when it changes from being able to use the internet effectively to being related to everything you do. I, for one, am guilty of needing the internet for everything, and basically don’t know how to function without it. Wake up? Internet. Going to bed? Internet. Five second span of time wherein there is nothing to do? Internet. You get the gist of what I’m saying. Everyone’s heard the horror stories of kids who never go outside and only play World of Warcraft or Minecraft or Diablo 3 every minute they can, but playing a single game for hours on end is something that can get pretty boring after a while. What nobody seems to talk about is the fact that everybody is online constantly – at least, if you have a smartphone. Which most people do, at this point. People may make fun of others who feel the need to be attached to their laptops at all times, but if you have twitter or facebook on your phone then you’re the same. Beyond that, however, is the question of whether people present themselves on the internet the same way they do in real life. I know that I am personally guilty of being much nicer on the internet than I generally am in face-toface conversations. This might be as a reaction to being so disappointed that people use being online as a rationalisation for just being flat-out rude. Even being guilty of this, however, I don’t quite know what the motivation behind presenting myself differently is, other than the fact that when it started, it was a natural thing. My reputation of perma-sarcasm has followed me for just about forever, and the thing about text is that you generally can’t convey tone of voice. As such, I had to be nice – otherwise, I would have just been straight-up abrasive. The internet is very provocative in that sense – you have the ability to present yourself any way you want, and almost create a cult of personality around yourself. This prospect is especially inviting if you are a shy or awkward kind of person; it’s difficult to talk to people if you struggle with eye contact, and the internet safely takes the possibility of this away. The hope is that before you’ve grasp, that you can manage to have perfectly lovely conversations with people without realising how awkward you would have been before. All because you’ve had the buffer of the internet as a safe space to be able to learn to make contact with other people, about things you are interested in. This is the upside of spending so much time on the internet; you have the chance to mould yourself in a positive way, and you learn to be yourself. The flip side is, however, the point at which you can only interact online, and begin to spend all of your waking hours in this detached, almost dream-like state of yourself where you are allowed to present yourself any way you wish. To a point, it’s a good thing. It’s when this is the only way you know how to be, to the detriment of interacting with anybody else – to the point where you are scared and nervous to be away from this ‘support group’ for any length of time – when you have to take a step back and wonder if you are taking part in life at all. The problem is that you begin to exist as a separate being, almost, and the reality you have chosen to be constantly interacting with is removed, and intangible, and never good enough. Living in this one-step-removed dream state is good for a while, but it can never quite fully replicate the reassurance you could get from a person who could talk to you face to face. I’m not trying to suggest friends you meet online aren’t real, but there does come a point when you need to tell yourself that you need something more. Dreams are all well and good, but I can say from experience that reality can offer so much more.
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Thomas Gane
written by Helen Edworthy
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Helen did actually once fall asleep and wake up in the internet, or at least she thinks so, it could have been XL
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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Forget everything you know bathimpact.tumblr.com
WHO GABBY??????
written by Iwan Best
Imagine a world in your mind where unicorns would be more common than Jeremy Kyle who would always present his show on horeseback, or unicornback. whatever!
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eing eleven years old is much more fun than being twenty-three. Okay I get to drink, but eleven year old me got to chase make believe monsters with water pistols in the back garden and pretend he was in a bobsleigh team, riding his skateboard down the drive on his arse (he was a lonely-only child). Did you wish all those things were real? That the goal posts at the end of the garden really were at Wembley? I did. How many times did you ever try bending a spoon using the power of your mind? Use the force to pass the TV remote / cup / lightsaber? Wake up early because you’re so sure that today is the day you’ll get your Hogwarts letter? Real life is so boring. Not least as a student in the weeks leading up to exams. I mean, did Harry ever actually do any studying? And didn’t Dumbledore just cancel exams all together one year? Would Harry have even realised that you’re not supposed to use rhetorical questions unnecessarily? It’s not exactly like they actually had any English lessons, or any lessons vaguely relevant to life beyond fighting Dementors. Your life will (almost certainly) never be that interesting, easy, or lived in such close proximity to Emma Watson. Would you change that if you could? And would it matter that it wasn’t real? I’ve always found these ideas interesting and while that could have led to a successful academic career in philosophy, it has instead led to having watched the Matrix more times than is normal. I, like Neo, am sure that there is something wrong in the world but unlike him I think they could best be summarised as ‘animal cruelty, One Direction and George Osbourne’. If only I could be unplugged from these. Neo on the other hand becomes a physical manifestation (or not physical?(“what is real, Neo?”(my head hurts))) of George Berkeley’s ideas about philosophy. Berkeley tells us that there isn’t even an external world anyway, just our ideas of it, and calls it ‘subjective idealism’. If you can make yourself look past the fact that he basically made it all up because Newton had just effectively disproved the idea of any kind of God (“what is real, Neo?”) and, as a Bishop, this upset Berkeley significantly, then it makes for fascinating reading. Summaries of his theory could easily serve as Empire’s 1999 review of the Matrix, but having actually read Empire, I’d imagine it read something more like ‘Special fx good. Use lots of green.
That’s art. Recommended for fans of: Die Hard’ Berkeley would have said that the most interesting question that the film provides us with is ‘would you want to be unplugged?’ For the uneducated (watch it, I promise it’s better than whatever Rob Schneider is releasing this month (just checked - ‘InAPPropriate Comedy’, 2.3/10 on IMDB)) there is an important scene in which Cypher (who’s a total dick) sells out Neo & co in exchange for being ‘plugged back in’ to the matrix. It means that he’ll go back to living in the computer generated false reality where he’ll be programmed as a rich and famous dick, which he finds more appealing than remaining ‘free’ as a poor and hungry dick (was that really so hard now Morpheus? “No one can tell you what the Matrix is” my arse). The idea that if we could create a perfect reality and enter it forever in a dream-like state where we thought we were awake, would we? I mean, what do you think William Shatner really used the holodeck for? I’d like to think that I’d naturally desire freedom over the perfect illusion. But maybe then I’m just doing exactly what the architect knows I’ll do (what is real?). Would it be worth it? Whilst on one hand it could be a world in which Americans don’t arrest people in front of the whole world without even reading them their rights and Everything Everything aren’t headlining the summer ball (seriously, Cancer Bats are playing Moles the same night, do you really want to see the Chip Shop Boys again that badly?). Having said that what if the ‘real’ (what is real?) world doesn’t have cats? To be honest, unless I’m Neo, I can’t say I’d be massively keen on the whole unplugging thing. It looks painful, and nobody else gets to fly across a sort of green New York accompanied by a Rage Against the Machine soundtrack. The question posed is not a new one, but is certainly asked more directly here. Luke knew that ending his training and flying to Cloud City to save Leia was a really bad idea. The illusion he has created where he would save the day and defeat Vader was so strong that despite the wisest Jedi of all time telling him it will mean the end of all of his kind and hand victory to the Emperor, he heads off anyway. He definitely still wanted to bang her. Leonard in Memento (SPOILERS) knows what he’s doing when he refuses to let himself remember the truth and SURELY somewhere deep down Juliet
would have thought “well I really like Romeo, he’s sort of a cool guy, but I’m fourteen and I’ve known him for like two days so maybe I shouldn’t drink this poison”. The desire in films and literature, especially for love, is strong enough to ignore what we deep down know to be true. Can the same be said for the real (what is real?) world? Robert Nozick devised a thought experiment (an experiment for lazy people) to show that “ethical hedonism was false”. He basically created what scientists (should) call the ‘William Shatner Sticky Holodeck Conundrum’ which asked if scientists invented a machine where you could have your brain ‘stimulated to induce pleasurable experiences’ but weren’t aware that it was an illusion (what is real?), would you? He claimed that it is not rational to be plugged in. To be honest, the whole thing sounds a bit untoward anyway. Just in case I’m one away from the ‘most unnecessary popular culture references in one bite article’ award, I feel like I should close this out like Stan would. I learned something today. Maybe sometimes life is shit. Revising for exams is difficult because for the last year when I should have been studying I was watching the Matrix over and over. Maybe life for some of you is really really shit right now, and the troubles you deal with every single day, without any due recognition, is a testament to your strength. Because you could unplug yourself really. Free will exists somewhere because I don’t believe the oracle really exists. They are, and must be, mutually exclusive. You could run, hide, leave university, leave the country, ignore responsibilities, apply to be an extra on Vikings (one more to be safe) but you don’t. Because freedom doesn’t have to mean the ability to run and hide. Sometimes freedom is the ability to see what’s really there, to assess what you want to do and to actually do it. Not because you have to, but because you want to. But then again, maybe I’m saying this because I have to. Shit. P.S. I just looked up the Hogwarts exams being cancelled. It was because Salazar Slytherin let loose a Basilisk in the plumbing. A quick glance at candidates from our alumni suggests Millwall fc’s chairman as probably the best option. Maybe we could ask him to get some of their ‘fans’ to fight amongst themselves in the library. Glynis would have to do a Dumbledore then.
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Tuesday 30th April 2013
Lad culture’s growing accptance
bite
written by Jessica Walsh
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t’s a common sight on a night out, a group of young men surrounding a lone girl on a night out and offering her drinks, if she refuses she is considered to be frigid and is often continually harassed with men seeing her as a challenge. The worrying aspect is that many girls now consider this the norm and accept crude sexual comments and touching as a normal part of a night out. It is after all only seen as ‘banter’ and nothing serious. This is something I have experienced first-hand, despite identifying as a lesbian. Although most men are respectful, it is guaranteed that at least once during a night out a man will ask to be involved in a threesome, or offer to ‘convert’ me to heterosexuality. In one instance during a night out in Bristol I was followed into the female toilets by man and this continued all night. This sort of intimidation cannot simply be accepted as a part of life. Sexism can often be linked to ‘lad culture’ which is prevalent around most universities. This culture is fuelled by excessive consumption of alcohol and an attempt to gain ‘lad points’, which often come from sleeping with as many girls as possible. This has led many male students to embark on nights out with the intention of pulling as many ‘sluts’ and ‘whores’ as possible, seeing them as merely a means to gaining points. I have even spoken to a few girls who are reluctant to attend the club night Score, an event for sports teams, due to the predatory nature of some sports clubs who focus rather aptly around ‘scoring’. This culture is emulated in Facebook pages such as Uni Lad which represents women as mere sex objects, often judging their worth on how aesthetically attractive they are, with little consideration for their intelligence or other attributes. This culture is not only a problem for females, but also affects male students. Polly Williams, a Senior Policy Adviser for the Equality Challenge Unit stated how “a dominant lad culture may also damage the experience of many male students who either feel they have to conform, or become disengaged from campus life to avoid it.” The study ‘That’s What She Said’ by the National Union of Students underlines how these views are quickly becoming ingrained in university culture. The study claims that 50% of students have been exposed to sexist attitudes, harassment and lad culture. The NUS findings reported that nightclub owners often promoted lad culture in students within their establishments in order to promote their image. This sexism was also seen to go beyond the clubbing scene and evade everyday life, with many students reporting sexist and misogynistic conversation as the norm. Even more shocking were the findings of the ‘Hidden Mark’s’ study, a nationwide report investigating female students experiences within universities. It found that 68% of participants had been a victim of sexual harassment on campus during their time as a student and that students were overwhelmingly the majority of perpetrators. Olivia Bailey the NUS Women’s Officer claimed that “Women students can be left feeling like they are to blame for the violence committed against them.”. Lad culture no doubt helps to contribute to this as women are left feeling as though sexism at university is normal and are not encouraged to report harassment. Despite this, many people consider sexism to be a thing of the past and deem feminists who continue to campaign against inequality as ‘feminazi’s’, a highly derogatory term. The Everyday Sexism project was launched as an attempt to expose how sexism evades everyday life. Thousands of experiences have been submitted by women around the world. The project unveils sexism in all walks of life, including university and the clubbing scene where one woman stated that she couldn’t count the number of times she’s been groped in a club. It is shocking that many students see this as perfectly acceptable behaviour, even acting to encourage it at times. For many people, university is considered the place where teenagers are able to grow into adults and are shaped into the people they will be for the rest of their lives. If this underlying sexism is allowed to continue it will not bode well for the future of women’s rights. So if you ever go out with the intention of adding to your ‘slut chart’, think about how that reflects on you as a person!
Charlotte May Godfrey
bathimpact.tumblr.com
Are the boys already corrupted, or is it lad culture that’s creating a breeding ground for socially accepted sexism?
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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The ever present news cycle
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tigerlillyshop
written by Lily Morris
B
ecause we can now get every tiny detail of ongoing events, it is tempting to sit and stare and watch as things unfold. Twitter, CNN, and Reddit all showed themselves to be unreliable sources of news in the week following the Boston marathon bombing, so following the minutiae of tragedies often doesn’t even help with understanding them. Likewise, even if you listened into the police radio scanner, at times the police didn’t know what was going on – and left listeners feeling dazed and confused, and above all scared. And that’s not good. The easiest way to not let these kinds of events get to you is to stay away from the news. Get a trusted friend to pass onto you the important details, but without the soundbites of explosions or photos of gore. This makes it easier not to dwell on things: words can be a lot less emotional or triggering than seeing and hearing events over again, and it is easier to move on with your day. A week or two after an event, there will be more impartial analysis around the internet, and less emotion. If you’re still curious about a story, that is the time to start reading, but in moderation. Anywhere from one to five years after the event, depending on its complexity and severity, the official reports and investigations will start to publish their results and findings. At this point, you can be sure that instead of reading breathless speculation you have real facts at your hands, and these reports often include changes to be made moving forward, which can be comforting. If hearing for the first time about the Kings Cross fire of 1987 freaked you out, reading the latter part of the report which makes safety recommendations for things to be changed, and then the long list of things which are now done differently can make you feel a lot more positive. In twenty-five years, we will no doubt have improved public security systems, just as fire safety on mass transit has improved immeasurably. The truth is, for every bridge that collapses and kills ten people, or every freak rainstorm that ruins people’s livelihoods, there are thousands of bridges that don’t collapse, and thousands of livelihoods that aren’t ruined. It’s easy to forget the good news, because it doesn’t make it to the news. But that doesn’t make it irrelevant. So instead of endlessly scrolling through your favourite online news networks, go and look at cats smiling on YouTube, browse Gives Me Hope, or pick up a copy of bite for your fortnightly dose of laughter and sarcasm.
Review: Hit the Deck Fest While informative, 24 hour news can create a lot of stress amongst their viewers
it The Deck is an annual pop punk and hardcore festival which had its maiden Bristol date this year. Originating in Nottingham, the one day festival takes place in venues all around the city and in Bristol took over the O2 arena, The Fleece, The Thekla and The Exchange. Starting at an ungodly 12:30, the first massive band to take the main stage were Mallory Knox. Having experienced a surge in popularity since their debut full length Signals was released in January, the already packed O2 weren’t disappointed. Sonic Boom Six then got the room bouncing before Attack Attack! showed why they were the hardcore scene’s sole main stage representatives. Out of the main stage bands I caught, the show stealers were undoubtedly We Are The Ocean, showing why they’re being tipped as the next big stars of the UK alternative scene. Roaring through massive hits from three incredible albums, they sounded like a band far beyond their years, they made it hard to believe that they weren’t headlining shows like this yet. Heading over to the Thekla I caught the end of pop punk veterans Army of Freshman’s set before heading upstairs to the Acoustic Stage. It was here that the beauty of these events was to be found. Vinnie Caruana, lead singer of the awesome I Am The Avalanche and now disbanded Movielife delivered a show stopping set which had every single person in the room gripped to every word from start to finish. Incredibly though, there were only twelve other people in the room. With this in mind, I momentarily gave up on commercially successful music and decided not to walk back to the O2 for We Are The In Crowd and headliners Don Broco, but stayed at the Thekla for Pure Love. Who were shit. Just shows you can’t win them all.
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written by Iwan Best
bite’s picks: Pure Love - Classic rock and roll from ex-punk Frank Carter. Listen to: Bury my bones, Handsome Devils club. Don Broco - Rising stars of the alternative scene and festival headliners. Listen to: Priorities, Whole Truth WATO - Post punk band from Essex with an incredibkly energetic live show. Listen to: The waiting room, Bleed Vinnie Caruana - Ex punk turned solo singersongwriter from America. Listen to: The drinking song, Somehow the world keeps turning Sonic Boom Six - Ska punk rockers from Manchester who combine multiple genres into a cacophony of awesome. Listen to: Piggy In The Middle, Keep on Believing
Ex-Gallows frontman Frank Carter with new band Pure Love at Hit the Deck Festival
Tuesday 30th April 2013
Bath Beauties:
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Trends Caught On Campus Written by Sophia Guilfoyle
JACKET WITH COMBINATION SLEEVES ZARA £59.99
Photographer: CalebWheelerRobinson
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bathimpact.tumblr.com MONOCHROME BUTTERFLY LUREX CHIFFON SCARF ACCESSORIZE £12
This blonde beauty is rocking a look that makes her look fabulous and chic. I love the combination of sophisticated black trousers accessorised with pale neutral tones, it really compliments her pale hair. Her sheer top is elegant and feminine which contrasts with her sassy wedged boots. This look is easy to achieve, matching a light jacket would transform this into the perfect Spring look.
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his week I went scouting for fashionistas on campus to show that students at Bath really do have great taste. I found an abundance of ladies who looked chic and sophisticated in their high-street (and sometimes designer!) outfits and accessories, and boys who prove that picking the right clothes really does make a difference!
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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NEON CLOUDS SWEATSHIRT BELOVED SHIRTS $59.00
VINTAGE SURPLUS 90’S STEAM SUNGLASSES URBAN OUTFITTERS £16
COMBINED WEDGE ZARA £49.99
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Swedish beauty Caroline looks refined and classy in her ZARA blazer – a real favourite. The delicate pale green tone works wonders with her blonde hair and Caroline continues this theme of soft colours by matching her blazer with a very pale silver shimmer jumper from River Island and accessorises with a SNO beaded necklace with silver and white tones. A very feminine look, we will all be eternally jealous!
Yuanita Noviana caught my eye with her unique style. And I was right about her individuality – Nita makes her own clothes! Nita designed and created her bespoke striped top, and lucky for you she doesn’t keep all of her creations, she sells them online too! Nita looks glam with her leather jacket (from Indonesia), her knee high wedged boots, and of course of Louis Vuitton sling bag.
BLOCKPRINT SKINNY TROUSERS H&M $42.00
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50-50 OVER KNEEBOOT KURT GEIGER £395.00
Carolina, another fashion-hungry Swedish blonde, shows off her casual look with her high-waisted playful trousers from H&M. A great buy for the summer months to come as they’ll keep you cool and comfy, they provide the perfect alternative to having too much leg out with shorts! I love the print on these trousers, Carolina creates a really individual look. She perfects her outfit with a Kurt Geiger scarf and a leather jacket from Acne. Bag the featured Block Print Skinny Trousers from H&M for £42.00 this Spring. They will spice up any outfit! I think I scared Chris a little with my enthusiasm for his outfit, but he looks edgy and outgoing with his red and black jazzy ASOS jumper. He’s a high-street enthusiast with his striped TOPMAN shorts, his Diesel belt and his Fred Perry bag. But he’s got the look down to a tee as he was also spotted for Mariannah Vintage’s best dressed page, so he’s clearly in the know! Check out the amazingly creative BELOVEDSHIRTS website. They’ve found a niche in the market with those hipsters out there. They take awesome high resolution photos and print them onto sweatshirts, hoodies and iPhone covers! This zipped bag from TOPSHOP I absolutely love, big enough to keep your wordly possessions safe on a night out, but small enough not to be a nuisance, it is the perfect bag! Grab some wedges for the summer season - not too girly and flowery like most summer wedges on offer, these will keep you looking classy and fabulous all summer long!
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DIESEL BAUSY SERVICE CINTURA BELT BLACK GREY LEATHER £40
WOVEN BOX CHAIN BAG TOPSHOP £30.00
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Tuesday 30th April 2013
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Review : Tape Deck Heart
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written by Robert Page
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ton College. Some of you may have visited it, some of you might celebrate it, some of you may resent it and, because this is Bath, some of you may have even been educated at it. Whatever your opinion happens to be there can be no argument that the famous old school boasts alumni that our country can be really proud of. We have Eton to thank for George Orwell, Ranulph Feinnes, Spencer Mathews and Boris Johnson, amongst many others. There is however another Old Etonian, a lad from Hampshire who attended Eton on a scholarship and who we should celebrate as an example of what this country is really all about, what it is we do. His name is Frank Turner. Tape Deck Heart is Turner’s fifth studio album, although it doesn’t have the feel of an album from such an experienced artist. Widespread success has only been on the cards for Turner since the release of his last album ‘England Keep My Bones’. By their 5th LP, most artists have gone a bit ‘experimental’ but not so with TDH, if you love his previous work than this is an album for you. If you’ve never heard his work before, the album is free of the sense that you’ve missed out on the narrative somehow by not listening to his, rather extensive, back catalogue. With 18 tracks in total, this is not an album lacking in depth, indeed this is the main problem with the album. There are two albums worth of material stuffed into one here and with an artist such as Frank Turner that means its two albums worth of message packed into one. Not a good thing. It’s confused, after listening your left unsure what the album is about, if it even has an underlying message at all. There is too much fragmentation between ideas, it is clear how opinionated Turner is and that’s not a bad thing in itself but there are songs here about love, loss, alternative culture, tattoos and absolutely everything in between. As individual songs, they are all outstanding, but grouped together as an album the songs just don’t really click (although that said this issue is more prevalent in the deluxe edition, with the 12 track standard album focusing much more intensely on love, loss and self-reflection). Highlights include lead single ‘Recovery’, the sentimental ‘The Way I Tend To Be’ and, for me, the outstanding song on the record ‘We Shall Not Overcome’. For days the lyrics “The bands I like don’t sell too many records and the girls I like don’t kiss too many boys / The books I read will never be best-sellers but come on fellas at least we made our choice” have been going round and round my head. Frank Turner is an outstanding talent only now getting the recognition he deserves. Tape Deck Heart is a really good album but the problem is, it’s actually two really good albums, instead of one truly great one.
Review: The Place Beyond the Pines M
written by Ron Morrow
ost times I leave the cinema I’m the chattiest man on the planet, talking nonstop about the bits I enjoyed, the bits that annoyed me, and everything in between. Sometimes though, I leave the cinema speechless. This was one of those times. The Place Beyond the Pines is a great film, and for better or worse the way it’s story is told is unlike anything else. Ryan Gosling plays Handsome Luke, a man with incredible skill on a motorbike, a questionable past, and more tattoos than most would find acceptable. After discovering that a past fling (Eva Mendes) had his child, he drops everything in a misguided attempt to provide and be there for the baby. After failing to generate enough money on minimum wage, bank robberies become a much more appealing option. Fresh faced street cop Avery (Bradley Cooper) steps up in an attempt to bring Luke down, subsequently becoming the star of the show. TPBtP’s story isn’t nearly as simple as it appears on the surface. While granted the robberies Luke commits form a centric part of the plot, the main themes can be much better described as paternity and transference. Both Luke and Avery have young children and the film touches heavily on how the interactions between father and son heavily affects their outcome. The film spans a good number of years in total, in effect telling three different stories instead of one three-act story. While this does work, creating an engaging and interesting plot, the set up required to introduce each new section slows the pace dramatically. The end result being a long film with some sections that can’t hold attention spans long enough. While no particular character can be said to have enough screen time for any one performance to dominate, both Gosling and Cooper give brilliant renditions as mirrors of one another. The duality that exists between them works very well and both capture the mood effectively. The shooting style adapts to reflect each section too, with some very impressive extensive single shots. The Place Beyond the Pines suffers something of an identity crisis, being unsure whether to focus its attention on the characters themselves or the links that connect them. However, it still stands tall as an example of what can be achieved when the standard model is disregarded. It makes for an interesting watch and gives the viewer just enough to spark their critical thought process. 7.5/10
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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Nicole C. Kilbert
bite meets fergie10
The Guide
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Levi Roots!
It’s been a few years since you slayed the dragons and the Reggae Reggae brand just keeps going from strength to strength. Forgive the pun, but what’s your recipe for this success? We are fearless and we have a great team. That’s what business is about. A lot of people tend to see the entrepreneur as a sort of lone wolf, but it’s not, the real entrepreneur will tell you that it’s all about building the right team around you that let you see what you need to do. And we have a fantastic team around us so because of that we know that the future is bright. I have a brilliant mentor, one of the best, in Phil Jones from Dragons Den so with him and the team around me we all know that the future is really bright for us and for the brand.
We’ve got a very large business department here at Bath, do you have any tips for any budding entrepreneurs out there?
Music
Film
Dave Hause, Friday 3rd May at Exchange, Bristol. Tickets: £9
Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D., Sunday 5th May, 14:45 at Little Theatre, Bath. Tickets: £5.50
The loved ones vocalist/guitarist is kicking off a summer of gigs and festival dates with this gig at the atmospheric Exchange. Look out for his awaited 7” singles on coloured vinyl.
“Peter Cushing stars as the eccentric Time Lord in Flemyng’s second Who adventure. Introduced by author and renowned Dr Who expert Cavan Scott, who will be signing his brand new book Who-ology.” Littler Theatre
The Twang + Cast, Friday 10th May at O2 Academy, Bristol. Tickets: £16
From the Wings Over America Tour, Wednesday 22nd May, 20:30 at Little Theatre, Bath. Tickets: £5.50
Birmingham’s fated sons The Twang co-headline with Brit Pop legends: Cast, who Noel Gallegher once dubbed as “a religious experience”. The two bands both have an urban anthemic rock sound which really grip a live crowd.
A concert film of Wings’ 1976 tour of the US, directed by Paul McCartney and publicly unavailable until recently, the film features 30 songs from four concerts.
Dave Hause has been touring the with Gaslight Anthem and is a seasoned act, with a great folk rock sound
Beans on Toast with Oxygen Theif, Thursday 16th May at Moles, Bath. Tickets: Free ‘til 12 Beans ‘Jay’ on Toast brings from Essex his unique, and brilliant drunk-folky-political-slurs, supported by the energetic folk punk soloist Oxygen Theif.
This House, Thursday 16th May, 19:00 at Little Theatre, Bath. Tickets: £5.50 A critically acclaimed fictional account of machinations in British politics leading up to the vote of no confidence in James Callaghan’s government in 1979, set in the palace of Westminster.
Well, the immortal tip from me is always about mentoring because I feel that is a very valuable point. You always need someone who knows more than you and give you some advice, whether that’s professional advice, legal advice or business advice and it’s about getting these things in place before you even start your business plan so they can guide you. So that would be my mine piece of advice is to get yourself mentor, a real proper one. And as we’ve seen today, you’re not just a businessman or a cook, you’re also a musician. So are you a cook who plays music or a musician who cooks? [Laughs] That’s a good question! I don’t really know what I am, man. I just like doing both things, although I’m glad you said cook and not a chef as I’m definitely not a chef. I’m just somebody who just enjoys cooking and because Caribbean is such a new cuisine I seem to be the guy that is at the forefront of it in the UK, but there are many other Caribbean cooks out there who could call themselves chefs. I would tend to think that I am more of a musician, and then the cooking comes after. Your live shows are quite different to what a lot of people might be used to, is it odd bringing the sunny music of the Caribbean to rainy Britain? It’s a contrast and this is what reggae brings, this free spirit that allows it to land whether ever it goes and I think it creates a very chilled vibe. Then I also always have my daughter singing with me and I always say it’s about family values. My daughter was with me iwhen the sauce was developed and she’s always on stage with me and that’s how we want it to be. It’s all about the family, man.
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Tuesday 30th April 2013
To be Jon Hamm
written by Benjiman Butcher
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e meet in the same bar every night. The bottles scattered across the shelves, the oak panelled walls blackened by the smoke, dampened by the humid sweat. On the stage, the greasy haired pianist lulls the patrons into a trance, anticipating the tips his weary audience never leaves. As usual, the rugged man by the bar spares his drink the attention and looks up at me. As usual, a reluctant wink and a melancholy smile is all he can muster. It’s been a rough day for us all. This was never the life any of us wanted. This was never any of our dreams to end up in a sorry little bar like this. I approach the bar and make a hazy hand gesture, but the bar-tender understands. He pours me a drink. A whisky. Neat. I mutter my gratitude, he returns the grumble. For five straight minutes, I stare at my liquor; it never goes down well, but it’s the best thing this bar sells. Then, it happens. Then she enters the bar. I don’t look at her at first, even though everyone else does. They have to. She pulls up the stool next to me and I catch her in the corner of my eye. I see her pitch black hair and her perfect curves. I can feel the velvet of her dress as if it were touching my own skin. I smell her perfume as it runs up my nose. She catches the barman’s attention with a similar hand movement. I can’t resist: “Let me get that drink for you.” The whole room holds its breath. The pianist stops. The barman’s eyes dance between both of us, mouth open. “Gracias.” She replies. The music continues and our audience returns to their conversations. A couple mutter jealousies amongst themselves. “Gringos,” they say, “first they take our pride, and then they take our women”. I turn my head for the first time almost in harmony with this beautiful creature sitting next to me. Her hair falls back revealing her face. The dark brown eyes, the red lipstick, the perfectly tanned skin; it’s all the same. So is the conversation. “What’s a broad like you doing in a bar like this?” “I see pain behind those eyes.” “The only cure for heartbreak is to fill it with passion”. Within minutes we fly out of the doors into the humid air. The buildings loom over us, watching us two, the young lovers, as we begin our ascent to pleasure. We run home laughing, skipping in our glee. I burst open my door and throw her on the sofa, ripping off her velvet dress like it’s a godforsaken rag. Her lips never leave mine, the sweat running off our bodies as they collide together in an ecstasy of tumbling. I feel her perfect skin, as she strokes my glands with flawless rhythm. She gasps as we fall into other; the connection pure bliss. She moves up and down on me, never stopping for a moment. I throw her on her back and take the reins; she was never one for mucking about. Our lust is unstoppable. Our passion unbridled. For what seems like a lifetime we are lost in each other. We never stop to think about the consequences, our desire only ending as we climax. This is it. This is life. She rolls back towards me, the hair covering her face. “It was everything I could’ve wanted it to be” As she falls off my softening cock, we pause for a moment. Exhausted, I force out the few words I can. “How was that?” I smile. A smile I haven’t done before in a long while. I lift my quivering hand and pull her hair back:
“MUM!” I shoot up. Not again. Not fucking again. Every time. Every time the dream gets good, she appears. How many times does my subconscious fool for it. I’m not in South America. I hate whisky. Bars with that much smoke in them make me nauseous. I may need to get those mother issues sorted though. An hour after waking from my dream and shamefully putting my sheets into the wash, I’m on campus. God, Bath is so much more boring than Buenos Aires. The Plug doesn’t match up to my imaginary bar much at all. The women aren’t quite the same either. There’s fat ones, skinny ones, preppy ones, slutty ones, clever ones; they’re just all too real. I’m smoking now. When I smoke, I imagine I’m a 1960’s ad-man in New York City. It helps me process the cancer a lot better. After all, Don Draper smokes, drinks and pops aspirin all within minutes of each other and he married January Jones. It’s aspirational television. I just feel like when he does it, it’s a lot cooler. When I do it, it’s cold, I’m alone and the only company I have is a ravenous seagull who only joins me when there’s food left on the Parade tables. Life is a lot more exciting when we pretend. It’s a lot more exciting when others pretend with us. When I was younger I could get away with convincing my parents I was an astronaut or a fireman or a zoo vet. Now I can’t convince anyone of anything. The only people I can convince of stuff are the people in my dreams, but they have to listen to me. I’m their life source. They say that everyone we see in our dreams has, at some point, crossed paths with us in reality. That worries me, because at some point I have met the Latina lover of my dreams. It means that at some point I walked past her and didn’t notice her. I didn’t get the chance to meet her, or woo her, or fuck her. What would I do if I was to see her again? The more I think about a fantasy, the more it hurts. What would I do if I spoke every language? How would I react if I was told I had one week to live? Where would I run to if I finally murdered that girl who refuses to acknowledge me? The more I think about every possible option, every possible destiny, the more I realise that I am simply escaping the thing I fear most: reality. Reality is a bitch. I won’t marry that Latina girl. Chances are I probably vomited on her during a coke-filled night in Argentina whilst traveling. I’ll end up marrying a perfectly fine brunette girl, she’ll have BA from a fine university, she’ll be fine at speaking Spanish and she’ll get on fine with my family. I won’t learn every language. No matter how bad I treat my body, I’ll probably just die in a car crash with no predetermined warning. I won’t murder the girl, and will never have to opportunity to watch her bones dissolve in my bathtub. All these things exist in the caves of my imagination. They are a nice place to escape to when I’m bored with myself, but there is no portal that will transport them to the forefront of my life. Unless we find said portal, I am stuck in this very real world till the day I die. But what would I say if I did see the Latina girl again?
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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Ever Dreaming written by John Barlow
Prone in fields of blue Shadow floating free Eyes closed, earth quick leaving Clock melting, Time slow seeping Lost like years ago Grin cradled golden grass such a state Suns gaze melts worlds Realities meet in hazy eyes Breathe in. Open wide That shell That husk you call man Start tune and listen Strings, brass, wood and wind Breaks though mist Sets true mission Enthralled by squall By body rapture Letters and words Merge and mash Collide, yet never fail to capture Now Shadows pass The grass does weep The soul still stirs Ripples spread round heavy feet Rhythm owns the second The minute owned by Rhyme Why bother counting days When music holds all time So embrace the vision; Safe haven yet coffin. Open ears, Embrace love, Come; Join the Restless dead. Become the ever dreaming.
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Tuesday 30th April 2013
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff, but you won’t
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written by bite’s sex columnist
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Dear Lucy and Edie,
Dear Lucy and Edie,
It’s my dream to write an erotic novel based on sports, but I’m struggling to get metaphors and innuendos in there. Any help would be really appreciated.
I have really vivid sex dreams to the point where things often end embarrassingly in the morning. I’m going on a weekend trip in a few weeks with some new friends and we’re all sharing a room. I’m really worried that I’m going to have a really intense dream while we’re away and that everyone will discover my secret. Please help!
Thundershead That isn’t a balloon, the balloon is in her mind, balloons are so patriarchal!
t’s all coming to a head. After a cocktail or two, talk often turns to tales of cock. Blow jobs seem to be one of the most discussed topics among girlfriends, and, of course, their male counterparts. Whilst the majority of men see the blow job as the Ferrari of sex, women don’t seem to be as eager. That said, I appreciate that not every man enjoys getting head, and not every woman dislikes giving it. The question is: what makes women protest so much about giving oral sex? Many women have argued in the past that giving oral sex is degrading and goes against the values of feminism. ‘Servicing your man’ has been criticised by feminists the world over because it implies female inferiority and suggests male dominance. Some women are quick to argue that, despite being comfortable with giving blow jobs, they feel that it’s unjust that they get nothing in return – blow jobs are the subject of many male conversations, with jokes about gagging and facials to the unfairness of the once-a-year ‘birthday blowie’, but there is rarely talk about pleasuring your female partner in the same way. Feminists cite this as the main problem: giving is fine as long as you get something back. They are striving for equality, after all; and what better place to start than the bedroom? Interestingly, a lot of women see giving head as their chance to prove that they have the upper hand. Instead of seeing it is a vessel of male dominance, women see themselves as the superior; forcing their man into submission through sexual desire. It’s often argued that men have untameable sexual urges, so, despite being on your knees, you have complete control over whether or not those urges get fulfilled. NEW LINES!!!! If giving head is your choice, surely that counts as a feminist action? As women, we make thousands of decision every day: a lot of us choose to wear makeup and dresses and heels – not because we are submissive to society and the ‘female’ silhouette and stereotype that has been created for us, but because we want to. A lot of women choose to give head because they want to. And, if anyone’s going to be accused of being submissive, it should be the man involved – after all, their most vulnerable body part is at risk of attack by your incisors! So is it all just a question of politics or is there something more to the female resistance to giving head? Women with no particularly strong feminist views seem just as hesitant to go down as the Emily Pankhursts among us. Is it the taste, the sensation, the fact that we do actually have gag reflexes or just the fact that it’s a penis and it’s in the wrong hole? Or is it maybe the fact that we’re scared of doing it wrong? There seems to be an opinion that men take longer to learn how to please women, and, more importantly, that that’s okay. When it comes to pleasuring a woman, a lot of the work seems to come from the woman herself: it’s perfectly fine to teach a man how your body works; to show him what you like and to give him time to learn how to hit the spot, and, often, where to actually find that spot. But when it comes to giving your man what he wants, it seems that you’re somehow meant to know exactly what he likes. It often feels like you’re expected to go in there, nipples blazing, porn-star noises at the ready and give him the best blow job of his life. So far, so unfair. Maybe it is a feminist issue, or a question of religion, or principles, or taste-buds. Or maybe it’s simply the fact that men are allowed to be bad in bed but women aren’t. At the end of the day though, sex is sex, and you can say what you like about the great ‘to give or not to give’ debate. Just remember not to talk with your mouth full.
Agony Aunts Lucy and Edie Lots of love, Alex
Soggy-sheeted Anon
Dear Alex,
Dear Anon,
We too have that dream and so have a few pre-prepared sports-related sexual anecdotes. The most obvious one relates to balls, so make some kind of reference to ‘holding balls’; ‘ball bags’ and ‘humungous balls’. Try out a few lines to do with badminton, or ‘bad-menton’, as you should refer to it from now on. Word plays around shuttlecocks are always hilarious and sexy, much like us agony aunts. Our personal favourite has to be: ‘I’m going to shuttle my cock right in your face right after badminton practice, you minx’.
I could just tell you that this kind of thing is normal, that everyone goes through it and that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But we both know that that won’t help. Sleep is scary in that we never really have full control over our minds and bodies. So why not try lucid dreaming? It involves controlling your dreams whilst you are asleep and might really help you to stop having such wild sex dreams. Or you could try switching up your diet and seeing if not eating cheese or drinking alcohol makes a difference. Or, of course, you could just embrace it. Your new friends might be surprised. But they might also be really impressed.
Happy writing! Have fun and let loose, Lucy and Edie Lucy and Edie
Tuesday 30th April 2013
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Real Dream Desserts written by Lily Morris
When essays and problem sheets and exams get you down, one of the easiest ways to remember that life isn’t all against you is to eat something delicious. Here are two of my top picks.
The best ever flapjacks This is a recipe that has been handed down through my family: the flapjacks that result are gooey and delicious and so much better than the ones you can get from a supermarket.
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Heat 100g caster sugar, 100g butter or oil, and 100g golden syrup in a pan over a gentle heat. Don’t boil the liquid: you just want to melt the sugar and butter. Keep stirring, to make sure nothing burns to the bottom of the pan.
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Press into a lined square tin – a 20cm square brownie tin works but so does a roasting tin. Bake at 140˚ C for 20 minutes, and then leave to cool. Cut into portions and hide from your housemates!
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Take the pan off the heat, and mix in 225g oats and a handful of dried fruit, nuts, or chocolate chips if you want them until all of the oats are fully coated.
For all you chocolate lovers out there, you can also drizzle in (or pour) chocolate for that extra bit of decadence.
Kentberry Says
Banana bread Lots of recipes for banana bread use huge amounts of bananas and eggs, which really defeat the point of it as a way to use up leftovers in your fridge. This recipe uses American cup measures, which are roughly equal to 240ml – if you have a small (250ml) mug it will work just as well.
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In a large bowl, mix together 1 large banana (the riper the better), 1 egg with enough milk added to it to make 1 cup of liquid in total, 1 cup of butter or margarine, 1 teaspoon of cocoa powder, 1.5 cups of flour (and 1 teaspoon of baking powder if you used plain flour), and one cup of sugar.
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When it’s fully mixed, add a crapload (technical term there…) of chocolate chips, and put into a standard 2lb loaf tin (I use a silicone one which makes the washing up process easy) and into an oven at 180˚C for 50-55 minutes. When it’s done, a knife or skewer put into the cake will come out clean – or very nearly clean.
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Leave to cool or serve warm, tastes great on its own or with something spreadable like butter, but before you do that, stick a banana in the top and discuise it as a shark to really scare the rest of the gang in the bread bin.
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Tuesday 30th April 2013
bite
Puzzle Corner Sudoku
Horoscopes bathimpact.tumblr.com
CalcuDoku
Taurus
April 21 - May 20
Great happiness and relief will soon be entering your life, praise be for laxatives
Gemini May 21 - June 20
bite would just like to offer apologies to anyone who does believe in astrology and has been offended by our PAHAHA I can’t even finish it. Fucking idiots
Medium
1
Leo
July 22 - August 22
Dingbats
You’ve been tempted Leo but be strong. A crack habit can be debilitating and take over your life and ...have you get any? Seriously dude, I’ll suck you off, work the pipe , cradle the balls, swallow the load, just give me a hit, man, one hit
2
3
June 21 - July 21
You’ve been restless because you’re not sure if you’re satisfying your partner, but fear not! They don’t love you and have been sleeping with their flatmate so you can sleep easy now
Hard
Word ladders
Cancer
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
I know it seems like the end. That nothing will ever compare to it and there’s no point living anymore. Everything looks dark. But in a few years they’ll run out of track suit money and JLS will be back
Libra
4
September 23 - October 22 As Mars enters your sector it is crossed by Venus moving in and out and it shakes it all about, and that’s the Hokey Cokey and you turn around. That’s what it’s all about
Number ladders
Cartoon Corner
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
A lot of people have commented that your horoscopes have been pretty dark Scorpio but puppy cancer
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Your evil plan is coming to fruition, the devil applauds you, just remember, avoid crosses and holy water or you’ll melt... Oops, sorry this is George Osbourne’s horoscope
Capricorn
December 22 - January 20
You’ve always had commitment issues when it comes to sex and relationships Capricorn, but I think this Herpes is something you can really stick with
Aquarius January 21 - February 19
Worried about your friends thinking you’re drab and dull, well maybe you just need to introduce them to your new friend, Mr. Cutty Knife, and we’ll see who’s dull
Aries
Pisces
February 20 - March 20 She doesn’t love you
March 21 - April 20
by Xtreme Mad-Man
You’ve been worried about your grades Aries but fear not, we have a plan for you. All you need is £5000 and a replica gun....